#cause zephrine sure do

[spaceokase]

so my girl wrote a letter to her mom and it’s recently ended up biting her in the ass b/c a crime lord got hold of it lmao

And since it’s been put it out there, I thought I’d share it here! I’m always pretty wary about sharing my writing as it’s not something I’m super experienced with, but I was encouraged to do so this time. And in general. 

“Dearest Maman, 

I hope you are doing well! It has been a while since I’ve written, I know. But, not without reason! A lot has happened and it has been hard putting it into words.  But, I will try my best. 

Before you worry, I am doing well. I’m healthy, I’m happy, I have been sleeping and eating properly, I’ve made numerous friends and I’m surrounded by people who care about me. 

Most importantly, I found the friend I was looking for! Though truth be told she is my love, my partner, my heart, more than a friend. I am sorry I didn’t say so sooner, as at the time I wasn’t entirely sure where our relationship stood. I knew how I felt, but with what Lemaire had done, I wasn’t sure how Therila felt at the time. I know now, though, and she loves me, too.

That is her name, by the way. Therila Varghast. She’s lovely. Sharp and witty, passionate and wise… she keeps me grounded, but never weighs me down. She lifts my spirits, lifts my soul, makes my heart soar and even as I write these words down I feel like they could never do her justice. Even through everything, she’s been nothing but supportive and wonderful.

I just know that you’ll love her. I hope that you will get to meet her soon. I want you to. She’s even the reason I’m writing this to you. Not the reason I’m writing! Nothing could stop me from writing you for long, as you know. But she is the reason, or part of the reason, this letter is going to get... particularly lengthy. She has encouraged me to be honest with you.

You see, Maman, I have not told you everything about what I’ve been doing while I’m here. At first, I just wanted to avoid making you worry, but then it became… well. I need to tell you now. So much has happened while I’ve been here.

When I said that I came here to find Therila after Lemaire did what he had, that was the truth. I did also hire a mercenary, as I said. I do not believe I told you before, but her name is Surina, and at this point I view her as a friend. She’s a force of nature and everything that phrase entails, and she’s wondrous and sweet even if she doesn’t admit it. She stuck with me until Therila was safe, when anyone else in her shoes would have left long before. I was, as it turned out, a terrible employer.

Even before we set sail, I wouldn’t let Surina just do her job on her own. When she boarded the slaver ship, I went with her, pretending to be a buyer. When we got to Nyx, I chased up leads with her. When we ran into trouble, I fought alongside her. Or I attempted to, anyway. Strangely enough I was not a particularly good fighter, magic or no. Still, it felt wrong to just stand idly by and let her get hurt on my behalf. It felt wrong to just do nothing when Therila’s life was on the line.

Looking back on it now, I think I did more harm than good at first, but ultimately I’m glad I took a more hands-on approach. My magic has improved tenfold, for one! I’ll have to show you the next time I see you, but I’ve been able to do things I’d never thought I’d be able to. And not a single exploding bird! But more importantly, with the friends I’ve met and made here, I’ve been able to help people and I’ve slowly been finding out a lot about myself.

There’s been a lot going on in Nyx since I’ve arrived here. There were disappearances, for starters. Caravans were getting attacked, and people vanished. There was a plague, there’s been slavers. It’s been kind of a mess. I’m still not entirely sure what caused the disappearances, but I suspect it’s to do with the people who’d started the plague. It was something that was made by a group of wererat cultists who are really disgusting and like to spread disease and death wherever they go, and… I realize this probably sounds ridiculous, but I promise it’s true. And my friends and I ended up getting involved, and we, for now, stopped them from spreading the plague they’d made. We also stopped a group of slavers from selling off a bunch of innocent townspeople, saved a town from a hag... We’ve even saved and made friends with a local noble, Lord Victor Garland, whose estate I’m currently writing from. We also went through the Feywild at one point. Yes, that one. It’s okay, we made it out perfectly fine!

I’m hoping you’re starting to realize why I did not write to you about this earlier. Writing this out makes me feel like a crazy person, even when actually I lived through all of it. I cannot imagine how it feels to read this all the way in La Rochelle.

I suppose what you really you want to know, though, is why I’ve been putting myself in these situations.

Before you worry too much, Maman, I want to emphasize here that my friends have kept me safe, and I trust them to keep doing so. I’m not alone and I don’t see myself being alone anytime soon. There’s been a lot to process, but they have been and will continue to be here for me.

I’m sure you’re wanting to know who they are, and I’ll do my best to not turn this into more of a novel than it already is. Currently, with our group, there are five of us who work together, myself included. There’s Encore and Rask, who have been with me since the last time I sent you a letter, and now there’s Helena and Koda. Helena’s a cleric of Sarenrae, who I worked with briefly before the plague business really took off. So I’ve known her as long as Encore and Rask, really, though our time together has been more on and off. She’s sweet. She reminds me a bit of Anton, but more religious. Koda is new, and I don’t know him as well, but he’s a bard, very skilled with a sword, and most importantly an absolute sweetheart. A little nosy, but a sweetheart. 

Rask and Encore have been here the longest, and although we don’t always agree on things, they’ve always been here for me. They, along with Surina and a mercenary named Myra, were the ones who ultimately saved Therila from the person who’d held her captive for months. I’ll be forever grateful to them for that. 

Rask is from a remote tribe in the Wilds of Haldis, and was a warrior when he was there. He left to redeem his honor, for reasons I haven’t asked about, but I personally don’t feel like he has anything to redeem himself for. Although he can be fierce in battle, and sometimes I think he has trouble seeing the bigger picture, he has been nothing but sweet to me. Encore is currently working for the local Merchant’s Guild, and like Koda, he’s a bard as well. A talented singer, for sure, and a good dancer. (We even won a dancing competition together!) He’s also rather clever, and sweet as well, but should you meet him, don’t tell him I said that.

I know you’d probably like to know more, but I think it’d be best to meet them in person someday. I’d like you to meet them. They’re an odd bunch, but I’m part of that odd bunch and they’re all worth protecting, loving, and fighting for. There is not a doubt in my mind about that.

They have helped me a lot, and I’ve tried to do the same for them. I’ve also tried to assist the people we find who would not have help otherwise. I guess that is what I have been doing, in general? Finding people who need help, and helping them, making things better for them. It’d started with helping an information broker, Torvald Silverbelt, with finding his missing daughter, then it turned into investigating the plague in Nyx, stopping the people responsible for creating and spreading it… At the time, and even now it simply feels like it was the right thing to do. I never thought I’d be able to make a difference, before, but now that I’ve seen that it’s possible… I feel like this was what I was meant to do. It feels right, and it feels meaningful. It feels like, for the first time, I have purpose. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Which leads me to write what is perhaps the hardest part of this letter. When I mentioned that I have been learning things about myself since coming here, I was referring to several small things, like the fact that I enjoy getting people out of trouble and making things better for them, but also, there is something much larger. It’s not… unrelated. It ties in with making things better for people, I believe.

It started when, not long after meeting Encore, Rask and Helena, we stayed at an inn outside the city. When we were there, I apparently awoke in the night in a trance. I don’t remember much of what happened aside from waking up, floating in the air as a mark manifested itself on my arm, and collapsing to the ground.

That’s what the mark looks like. Or it sort of looks like that. You can better tell they’re dragons on the mark itself, and they’re made up of my scales, but differently colored. It’s not a burn or a brand, but a part of me, and as you can see, it’s a mark of Tiamat.

Before you freak out, I’m fine. I’m okay, and I’m still myself. I was understandably upset and scared when it appeared, and at first I was hoping to get rid of it somehow. As I’ve learned more about it and about Tiamat herself, though, I no longer want that, and I am no longer afraid. 

You know how the less you know about something, the scarier it seems? It’s kind of like that. I had prioritized saving Therila at the time, but as soon as I could, I bought a book about Tiamat and the people who worship her. I thought whatever I found about her would be bad. Initially, I only thought to use the book to find a way to get rid of the mark. What I ended up finding, though, eventually made me not want to get rid of it all. The mark itself at this time also started helping me. It would warn me of incoming dangers, it helped translate text I couldn’t read normally, it amplified my magic. It saved my life, and my friends’ lives, on multiple occasions. Then, I realized it wasn’t really the mark at all that was helping me. It was Tiamat herself.

I know this sounds crazy. This entire letter sounds insane, and this part sounds the craziest, but I promise you that it’s true. You know that I have never been the religious sort, Maman. I’ve left the occasional offering to Sehanine and given the occasional prayer, but you know that I’ve always felt that people are what influence the world in the way that matters, not the gods. 

But she appeared to me, and she spoke to me! It was through my dreams, at first, and initially I was not sure it was her trying to reach me. The first dreams were very cryptic, but were usually a warning of some sort, or a hint of what I should do. I am still unsure what some of the dreams meant, but others were very clear. She warned me of several things I ended up running into and without her advice, I am not sure how well I would have fared. She also insisted, both indirectly and bluntly, that I should seek her out if I were to get answers.

Because of course I had questions! What was the mark? Why was it on me? Why was she helping me? What did she want from me?

When I mentioned her insistence, what the mark had done ,and the dreams I’d had to my friends, they were rightfully skeptical and scared for me. They warned me not to channel the magic from the mark, and they assured me they would find a way to stop it. I didn’t agree that it was something that needed to be stopped. I felt there was more to this than me being some unwitting puppet of a supposedly evil god, but looking back I should have explained myself better.

I also should have told them before I eventually tried a ritual to contact Tiamat, but I did not. It was stupid, and reckless. I regret not telling them, but I don’t regret doing it.

When I contacted Tiamat, she had answers to the questions I wanted to ask. She was more forthcoming than I expected, yet more vague than I wanted.

I am, as it turns out, the next Hierarch. Yes, that Hierarch. The one in Tiamyra that people try not to speak of.

The mark on my arm is my physical connection to Tiamat, a part of her that is now a part of me. It is both a symbol to show others who I am and a means of channeling her divine energy. No more, no less, though why it’s on me specifically is rather interesting.

Tiamat claims my parents offered me to her before I was born. I don’t know why. I wasn’t given a reason, but was told it wasn’t something they did lightly. I want to believe her… or more, I do believe her, but I find it hard to wrap my head around. I cannot imagine what could possibly drive them to offer up their child to a god. Like most things regarding my parents, I am just left with more questions than answers. I suppose it ultimately doesn’t matter.

What does matter is what I intend to do with this. Tiamat says that she wants me to invoke change in the world. She says that her people hide away as the world fears and reviles them, and they do themselves no favors with their isolation. She says the upper echelons of society have grown complacent and indolent, and that the common people suffer for it. She says I am what they need, and that I can change things and lead her people to a better future.

I would have to see Tiamyra in person to know for sure what it is like, but I have seen enough through my travels elsewhere  to accept the possibility that these things are true. I have seen enough suffering, I have seen nobles abuse their power and their people,  I have seen the people who commit acts of cruelty and I have seen the people that ignore it. I don't see why it would be different elsewhere.

But perhaps, you want to know why it is that I felt even remotely inclined to believe the goddess of deception.

It all culminated in one of her temples that I eventually visited. I wish I could show you what I saw there. Even with all the beauty in this world, in the places I’ve seen, nothing could compare to what I witnessed in that temple. I had seen glimpses of it in my dreams, but even as breathtaking as it was then, nothing could compare to seeing it in person. It was grand and old, maybe even ancient, hidden away underground and long forgotten, yet not only still standing, but in absolutely incredible condition once I entered the main doors. Impeccably. carved and crafted, with pillars at such a scale that from the ground they seemed endless. Flowing water, all around, waterfalls carving into the natural cavern surrounding me. Purple flames lit, unwavering, lighting everything around me in their pale arcane  glow. On the walls of the long halls inside were carvings of all sorts, intricately and lovingly detailed, each telling a story. I saw dragons, and monsters, I saw beloved kings, horrible tyrants, I saw people like you and people like me, and everywhere I saw change. I saw common people overcome tyranny, I saw new rulers rise and old ones fall, I saw people take fate into their own hands and I saw the goddess, ever-changing herself, one moment the fearsome five-headed beast we are taught to fear, but as a protector, the next a more subtle form, almost indistinguishable from a large dragonborn, being a guide, an inspiration for her followers to take matters into their own hands.

As incredible as it was, though, seeing her, the actual her, was infinitely moreso. When she appeared to me, it was not as the five-headed dragon, but as the elegant dragonborn... half-dragon? She was tall and imposing, yet refined, seemingly flawless. Every movement she made felt both calculated and natural, as it seemed effortless yet perfectly precise. And her eyes… her eyes were like looking into infinity, made of magic and stars and time itself. Her presence was invigorating, refreshing like a breath of fresh air, or a cool breeze on a hot summer day. I was in awe.

In the moment I saw her, I knew she was infinitely more than what I’d been told, and I knew then that her mark was not a curse, but a blessing, a connection that felt utterly priceless. I was excited, I was elated, relieved, loved… I had found... faith, I suppose. It felt right, in a way I can’t even begin to describe. It felt so incredibly right.

Tiamat gave me the option to walk away, but I stayed. Our connection strengthened that day, and I made a promise to inspire, to change things, to make a difference in the world and to be her Hierarch and all that entails.

I don’t regret it.

Admittedly, now that I have had more time to process it, I realize that I have a lot to do and am not entirely sure where to start, but I don’t regret it. I believe I can use the opportunity I have been given to make the world a better place. I believe I can use my connection with Tiamat to help people, and I believe it is also what she wants me to do. She is not the horrible monster I and many others have grown up believing she is. Her spheres include deception, yet I have found deceiving terrible people to be useful on my journeys. She encompasses magic, and is ultimately where my magic comes from, and exploding birds aside, I have never felt ill towards my magic. Most importantly, though, she represents change, and people taking their fate into their own hands, and I think that is what I believe in most.

I believe the world needs change, and I believe it needs it especially right now. There is so much beauty, such beautiful people, and so much potential… and there are other people who wish to hoard it for themselves or crush it entirely. There are the nobles who get fat, who squander everything they’ve been given while the common people starve. There are people like the chevaliers, who have the power to do good, yet they abuse that power to hurt others simply because they can. There are those who watch while this happens and do nothing because they feel it isn’t their problem.There are slavers, criminals and cults running rampant, those who hurt and kill and abuse because they believe in something darker, or they enjoy it. Then, there are those who see all of this, all of the darker, unjust, horrid aspects of the world we live in, and feel utterly hopeless. 

I want to, and intend to give these people hope, but I intend to do more than just offer them weak platitudes. I want to actively make the world a better place. I want to protect the innocent, bring justice down upon the wicked. I do not want to simply tackle these problems one at a time and hope for the best, I want to make sure they do not happen again. I want to end suffering before it begins. I want people to have the opportunity to grow and change, regardless of their status. I want a world where people do not have to worry about simply surviving and getting by. I want them to prosper and thrive and be the most they can be. I want to do more than simply distract people from their suffering.

Although… I must admit, I am not yet entirely sure exactly how I am going to change the world. It is a rather lofty goal. I am sure it seems both daft and extreme. If it is any assurance, I know that in reality, I can only change so much. I have not lost my mind entirely, Maman. I promise.

That said, I do not know how much I can do until I actually do it, and my ideals, utopian as they are, are important. They are dear to me and someday I hope they are dear to others as well. I want to give people a brighter future to look forward to.

Try not to worry about me too much. As I said before, I am not alone. I have friends, and support, and currently a very fancy roof over my head. Also, despite all of my grand and lofty claims and ideals, I am taking things one step at a time, and starting small, by helping people as they need it. No grand attempts at changing society just yet. Just a bit of adventuring which I am now infinitely more adept at than I ever was.

Again, I am sorry I was not honest with you before. I got so wrapped up in not wanting you to worry, that I failed to remember that you only worry because you care. Also, that you tend to be able to sniff out when I’m hiding something and really, I should always be honest with you regardless. I promise to be honest with you from here on, though I will warn you now, Maman, that I… well, no. You already know I have a habit of getting into trouble. I will try to get into less of it if I can help it, though. For you.

Giving you grief aside, I hope someday soon I can see you again. It has been far too long. I know I won’t be able to immediately, as I have responsibilities here in Nyx, and I think my friends need me, but I promise you I will find a way to visit as soon as I can. I miss you, and I love you. My heart yearns for the day I can hear your voice once more, for the day I can hold you in my arms and see your face again. You are always, always in my thoughts. 

Love you, love you, love you,

Zephrine”

[spaceokase]

Peace

It was quiet.

Before this morning, before leaving Nyx, leaving the Iron Hearts, there had been quiet moments, but they were often tampered with a persistent, niggling anxiety. Zephrine hadn’t been able to admit it to herself until now, but while there was no immediate danger that she knew of, she couldn’t help but feel a looming dread so long as she stayed in the Old Stone Villa.

While she was there, there was a constant sense that, at any moment, something was going to go wrong and she’d have to stay longer to help fix it. There’d be a scream from the room over, a dagger in her chest as she slept, a doom prophecy in her dreams. An unfamiliar, disdainful glint in the eyes of any one of her friends that didn't belong to them. A furious dwarf coming into her room to yell at her over things she both did and didn’t do.

But Zephrine was gone, now, on the other side of the world, and it was quiet. There were no sounds of combat or friends in distress. No urgent, panicked messages from Helena. Encore was free, truly, to be the best person he could be. Lazuli had found some answers, which lead to more questions, but Zephrine was confident she’d find peace. Surina, she’d seen off the day before along with Valcyis, and they were happy, and in love, and Surina practically glowed, a far cry from when they’d first arrived in Nyx together.

Zephrine realized, there in the rain, that her friends didn’t need her and would be fine without her, and for the first time in her life, Zephrine was content with that.

Things weren’t perfect, of course. There were still things to do. There was always going to be work to do, goals to work towards, problems to solve, things to help her friends with and people to save. But Zephrine was content with that, too.

Right now, she wasn’t focused on her never-ending to-do list. It was hardly in her mind at all. She simply stood there, on top of a forested hillside, looking down at the meadow before her, the town beyond, the inviting castle in the distance, grey stone standing out against a cloudy white sky. Songbirds tweeted in the trees, and rain pattered on the ground and the leaves above. Zephrine let the water wash down her face, sliding smoothly down her dark scales, and closed her eyes.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d stood there before she felt familiar, cool hands touch her shoulders, causing her heart to flutter in her chest. Zephrine opened her eyes and turned her head to look behind her as best she could, and met her gaze with Therila. She’d been smiling already, but she smiled wider at her partner’s presence, planting a kiss on the end of her nose, which was immediately reciprocated. Wordlessly, Therila wrapped her arms around Zephrine, propping her head on her shoulders. White scales contrasted against shiny black as Zephrine put her hands over where Therila’s rested upon her stomach, and together they gazed at the scene before them, bright autumn leaves glistening in the drizzle that fluttered down upon them.

Eventually- neither of them were sure how long it was- Zephrine spoke up, leaning her head against her love’s.

“We should probably get out of the rain.”

Zephrine could feel Therila smile next to her, as she replied, with amusement in her voice, “Oh, I dunno, the rain’s not so bad. It’s basically a druid shower.”

Zephrine not only laughed, but snorted in response. “That’s gross, and also I’m pretty sure I have seen you use soap before.”

Her laughter was airy, lightweight, in a way that it hadn’t been in a long, long time. Therila’s was as well and the two enjoyed each other’s company in a way they hadn’t been able to until now. Together and separately, they had been through a lot, but more importantly, together, they had finally found a moment of true, unabating peace.

[spaceokase]

Flawed

“When I look at you, Zephrine, I see two people.”

The tiefling woman across the room stared her down, and a lump formed in Zephrine’s throat. It wasn’t the first time she’d been called two-faced, yet having one’s flaws exposed was never a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you’d heard it before. Mirella’s piercing, cat-like eyes remained on Zephrine, taking her in, gauging her reaction.

“I see the person your friends see. The one that’s sweet and polite and says all the right things at all the right times,” Mirella explained, more than a hint of disdain in her voice. “Then I see the other person. The one that’s manipulative, a liar. Deceitful. Ruthless.” The last word was said with a particular venom, and though Mirella wasn’t yelling, her tone was sharper, her voice raised just enough, “So tell me, Zephrine, which one is actually you? The real you?”

The intensity of Mirella’s questions made Zephrine pause, even if for a moment. Two-faced, she’d heard, but ruthless was a new one. As she recalled the number of half-melted bodies she’d left in her wake, and unpleasant as the images were, Zephrine couldn’t disagree. Her tongue felt thick and heavy in her mouth, and her words had to make it past her heavily beating heart to be heard.

“Those are… both part of me,” she finally replied, an admission to herself as much as it was to the woman before her. “But I always try to do the right thing. I always have good intentions.”

Mirella folded her arms over chest, eliciting the soft clack of hard leather meeting more leather. She raised a perfectly arched brow, one of the few things about her that didn’t currently look tired and drained.

“Do you? Because I’m sure Mallox thinks he does as well, twisted as he is. What makes you different?”

Zephrine felt a pang of horror as she realized just how low Mirella’s opinion of her was. She knew the tiefling woman was angry, and rightfully so, but the comparison was an unpleasant jolt that rattled her insecurities. It made her think back to Princess Freydis, who caught Zephrine in a lie back at the party and decided immediately she was not to be trusted. Zephrine thought to Yara, way back in the day, threatening her when they were alone out of concern for Helena, because she thought she might hurt her. She thought to the Revered Mother who looked at her with worry and concern, and maybe a tinge of fear, like one would look to a bottle of champagne that had fallen from a shelf. She thought to Helena herself, and the day she told Zephrine that the Church of Sarenrae was considering locking her up for what she was, for her own good, but also the good of others.

These people had either not trusted her, been afraid of her, or both. Now Zephrine wondered if there was something more to it. Was she really that detestable, that worrisome? If she were to be locked away, or worse, would she be deserving of that fate?

Thankfully, the answer Zephrine found within herself was a firm and resolute “No.” Not so thankfully, beyond those insecurities, beyond the part that wondered if there was something more to the mistrust, there was a small part in the back of Zephrine’s mind- entirely hers- that hissed, “How dare you!” And despite her better judgement, that was the part that Zephrine voiced, her temper snaking its way into her words.

“Do you really think I’m like Mallox?”

Mirella remained impassive, pointing at her. “There it is. You’re being manipulative.”

As quickly as it came, Zephrine’s anger shriveled in response. Was she? She hadn’t intended to be, and that alarmed her, just enough to keep her pride in check. Mirella was in her right to be angry and mistrustful. Zephrine took note to remember that. Her voice went quieter.

“I’m sorry.”

“You say that a lot, but are you really?” Mirella replied, no longer leaning against the wall. “How do I know that I can trust you? Tell me, how do I know that if I help you, I’m not just putting some other horrible person in a position of power?”

Zephrine had nothing to say in response, not immediately. Mirella continued her line of questioning, determined to find her answer one way or another.

“Why are you doing this, Zephrine? Because I’ve heard rumors. If this is just for revenge because Mallox imprisoned you partner, or something similarly self-serving, that’s not going to be good enough.”

That, Zephrine had an immediate answer to.

“I am doing this because Mallox has caused nothing but death and suffering.” Zephrine looked to Mirella, her gaze unwavering. “I want a world where people can live without having to worry about their lives being ruined, or being killed, or losing their loved ones.” Zephrine’s eyes grew increasingly fiery and impassioned as she continued, “I want a world without suffering, a world where people prosper, where they can be their best selves. That is what I want. That is what I’ve always wanted.”

As if she were convincing herself as much as she was trying to convince Mirella, Zephrine took a deep breath, keeping a practiced confident, head-on gaze. 

“That is why Mallox needs to die, and that is why I am doing this. I failed you, and I can’t make it right, but I can at least do this.”

It was quiet, or a moment, as Mirella searched Zephrine’s eyes for something, as hers did in return. Then, abruptly, the tiefling pulled her gaze away.Whatever Mirella was looking for, she seemingly found it.

“Alright then, I’ll help you. With this, at least.”

 The relief Zephrine felt was palpable. Despite everything, despite what Mirella had gone through by Mallox’s hand, the tiefling was willing to help. She believed her. Which was good, an incredible burden lifted, because Zephrine meant it. Every word.

For all her flaws, her faults, her shortcomings and imperfections, Zephrine had at least that much to hold onto.