#chootvibe

[beatbawksradio]

ੈ✩‧₊˚🍀Cáel • Créidhe🪷⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

[beatbawksradio]

╔═.·:༺🎶🔥Infernal•Parade💀🎶༻:·.═╗

[beatbawksradio]

*ੈ✩‧₊˚Event Horizon✧˖*°࿐

[beatbawksradio]

something ive been doing a lot with myself lately is like... running through the scenarios in my head that cause me anxiety/anger and just responding to it with smth like, "okay, so the worst case scenario happens. now what? how do you deal with that?"

and it kinda helps ground me and zoom out from the situation a bit. even if problems happen, i develop a general strategy for how i could respond to it in a healthier way. it takes a lot of the ambiguous voidness out of the thing causing me anxiety and helps me control the doomsday thinking in a bit of a braver way. instead of being lost in the "im too scared to think about how much this would suck," i start focusing on like "its fine if it sucks, bc i have a plan and now i can enjoy whats happening in real time." that way, instead of constantly thinking between the past and the future, i can let myself pay better attention to the present. its been helping 💜

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[beatbawksradio]

a kind soul cannot heal a corrupted soul, no matter how hard they try. the sole duty of the kind soul is to heal their own corruption, for that is their only responsibility. all kind souls will find themselves on the path of healing, of doing away with their own corruption, of their own volition, driven by their own courage. kindness finds company among those who have also healed themselves, not through creating company by shouldering someone else's responsibility.

[beatbawksradio]

hums to myself

[beatbawksradio]

see, saying or doing anything that will in any way impact your abusers after you've escaped is unnecessary. you don't need to take revenge out on anyone. don't let yourself fall into that trap. trust people, trust that other good-hearted people will notice, just like you did. maybe other people will get hurt, and you can't control that, you can't stop that, you can't save those people from their abuse. bc it took being hurt for you to realize the truth, and unfortunately that might be what it takes for others to notice, too. but they WILL notice. your abuser will lead the natural life that an abuser does, not only socially but physically and circumstantially, too. and nature is far more cruel than you could ever dream of being. nature will bring them suffering in time, you don't need to inflict that upon them, all you need to do is focus on your healing and your happiness.

and it's okay to be angry, to be disgusted, to be resentful; that's perfectly natural, too. that's the natural, understandable reaction to realizing someone you loved and trusted has betrayed you. you aren't a bad person for being angry. you aren't a bad person for wanting vengeance. you aren't a bad person for expressing all the negative emotions that you've had to keep trapped inside for so long, bc you're abusers always made you think any semblance of discomfort or upsetness was inherently wrong of you to feel. its not. you're allowed to be angry. that's part of healing. you just don't need to take that anger out on others, bc nature can feel your anger. it listens to your anger. and it will bring a natural suffering to them that is beyond your control and you cannot be blamed for. nature is your greatest weapon. trust in nature

[beatbawksradio]

life comes for us all. tragedy will one day be upon you, too

[beatbawksradio]

vent about good vs evil

growing up, i was taught about "good" and "evil." but even at my young age, i had a difficult time believing "evil" could actually exist. it didn't make sense to me. the idea that someone would be hurtful and violent just for the sake of it, or bc they enjoyed it, wasn't a logically possible line of thinking in my innocent little brain. i spent my whole life trying to prove to myself that "evil" people were just troubled, and needed to be shown love and help in order to unlock the good person inside them.

now that I'm older, what I've proven to myself is, in fact, the opposite; that sadistic, selfish people really do exist, and showing them love doesn't actually help them, it only encourages and fuels them to keep up their abusive ways. there are good people in the world, too, who will do better and grow from their mistakes, but the reality is less that all people are good, and more that all people are capable of hurtfulness

its less about "good" and "evil." its more like "flawed and troubled, but still cares" and "sadistic and selfish, who doesn't care." all people will make mistakes and hurt others, and that doesn't inherently make them "evil." It's whether they care about the damage they've done, whether they feel bad for it, whether they work to fix it, whether they'll be honest about their flaws, whether they're willing to sacrifice their own comfort and pride for the sake of making things right. that's what makes the difference. these thoughts have never crossed the mind of someone who's truly evil. once you learn that, it becomes a lot easier to tell the difference. it becomes a lot easier to protect yourself.

[beatbawksradio]

a classic 🎶✨️

[beatbawksradio]

why talk about it when i could just make art out of it

[beatbawksradio]

longing and searching for the peace and happiness you've never known, but plagued and hindered by the misery and negativity bc its all you've ever known

letting go isn't easy when it feels like you're burying and invalidating your own hardship, but standing up is hard when you don't value yourself to feel it's worth the fight

[beatbawksradio]

I'd rather be a kind person who's hated by all, than to be an evil person who's loved by all.

[beatbawksradio]

Be careful how you toy with your puppets, Puppetmaster, else one day they may begin to toy with you.

[beatbawksradio]

vent about being irish diaspora

here i go venting in public again but Man.

there is something very strange about being an irish person born in america, and being subject to this weird "unbelonging" from both sides of life. like... my family came here as a direct result of the great potato famine, and most of them lived up north in canada and such, but my parents moved down south just before having kids. so i was brought up into the world essentially believing all white people are the Same and that i was just as responsible for the horrific historical atrocities as the rest of the white southerners were.

but. but I'm not. my family had nothing to do with that. my family was still in Ireland during all that. we only came here less than 200 years ago, as a result of the same people who colonized this country having subject us to a horrifying genocide that wiped out millions of my people, and ended up nearly bringing our language and culture to extinction. we are just as much victims of colonization and oppression as every other victim of the colonistic white people.

and that's really hard to wrap your head around when you're born southern...

but, the fact of the matter is. im not actually "american." im ethnically European. im Irish. and i dont feel like i belong here, on this soil, with this people, speaking this language. its this existential dread i battle with every day that i wake up and look at the world around me. a world that my oppressors built. a world that ive been assimilated into, bc no one ever bothered to correct me or let me know what my heritage actually meant.

and its strange. bc on one end, i have americans who look at me like I'm a freak and a weirdo for wanting to move to Europe, wanting to learn a second language, wanting to embrace my cultural paganism- why go through so much effort when i could just stay here and survive? but they're all so ignorant, they're unaware of how shit this country is and how shit the situation is for someone like me, given my family's history. as ""free"" as people like to sing the praises about this country, there is nothing "free" about our judgmental society that constantly battles to stifle those who don't want to conform.

but, on the other hand, its also difficult and anxiety-inducing to be accepted by Europeans, too. i often feel like im trapped in a destiny that i didn't have a choice in, bc i was born american and disconnected from the motherland. i want to learn another language, i want to speak like a european person, i wish i had a cool accent from a language that isn't my colonizers language... but trying to actually do that in front of others feels so scary. so humiliating. like I'm pretending to be something i could never be. like ill never be good enough to be european bc i wasnt born there.

doesn't help that I've had a european person say that to me, as well. telling me that ill never be able to understand or belong with Europeans bc im simply not one. my circumstances are too different and there's nothing i can do to change that.

but how nonsensical is that, how absolutely insane is that, when im ethnically a european person myself? europe is literally WHERE i belong, its where im supposed to be, and you're telling me that im just supposed to stay here, stuck in this land my colonizers stole, speaking my colonizers' language? you're telling me that my disdain for the english language is somehow "racist"... when I'm fucking irish?? are you out of your goddamn mind?

im so lucky, and so thankful to be rid of those people, and to be with the wonderful, aupportive, loving, and most of all intelligent european partner I've had the honor of being able to fall in love with. they've been helping me undo all these misconceptions about life and helping validate and support my journey into leaving this country. they're helping me learn their language, being so patient and so understanding and listening to every little weird thing i have to say about what I've discovered about my history. its so refreshing to finally have the support I've desperately needed for so long, and to be able to feel empowered that i really can make a difference in my life, i really can pursue and fulfill my dream of returning to where i belong, and leaving behind this oppressive, deceiving world I've found myself in

because i deserve to be where i belong. i deserve to feel like i belong. and i belong in europe