#tootvibe

[beatbawksradio]

Kanto Kids 🔥🍃🫧

alternate take on a kanto trio feat. my OCs Amber, Toot, and Robbie.

some lore for the road, the three of them met as tweens, all being foreigners from different regions, though all knowing the same language. Amber is from Galar (though she specifies that her section is called Gales), Toot is from Unova (raised in Mistralton but bearing a somewhat Driftveilern accent), and Robbie is from Alola (knowing both Alolan and Galish). While the three are connected by language, they still tend to have a bit of a rivalry amongst one another, always challenging and pushing one another to get stronger. Amber is mostly interested in exploring the world and learning new things, Toot is mostly interested in befriending Pokemon, and Robbie is mostly interested in becoming the Champion. Robbie also happened to receive a shiny Squirtle, which inspired Toot to go out and befriend a shiny Bulbasaur as well; he still raised his original one, too, as it helped care for the smaller shiny one like a baby sibling.

[I've been playing lgpe again lately for fun and shinies and its got me all inspired for story things. despite the classic curse and bad rap it gets, sometimes i just kinda miss kanto haha. its far from my favorite region, but ive still got that comforting nostalgia worm in my brain over it. simpler times...]

the three also quickly befriended the classic secondary partner trio, mirroring the Let's Go starters, with Toot growing fond of Clefairy to complete the trio (why didn't we get Let's Go Clefairy waahh). They also brought with them non-combatant partner Pokemon unique to them, with Amber raising Qute, a young shiny Archen that was born in modern day with a Toucannon parent. Toot brought his beloved Spritzee partner Myrrh with him, who he actually doesn't yet know is shiny as he's never seen any other Spritzee's so far, and Robbie brought their trusty shiny Staryu, Proxi, a literal shooting star that Robbie claims fell out of the actual sky the night that they found them.

They're also colloquially nicknamed Red, Green, and Blue by the locals; Amber bc she's a redhead, Toot bc he always wears green in this era, and Robbie bc.... blue starter (and they respond grumpily bc wth they're not even wearing any blue you bozos)

[beatbawksradio]

this cannot go without saying but I've combed thru ur oc profiles and I just want to say I've always loved how you play with themes and how the imagery in your world building is always quite.. idk the word. Representative, physical, visceral, united? Its always so satisfying when dots connect!! Sorry if that's a bit abstract haha its nice to read oc profiles on my off time! I go through them slowly so i dont know it all yet. My oc stuff is always so selfsrrving stashed in a txt file for me never to see the light of day bahaha

Anyway tarot and suits and the remixing of those to be of nature ahhh ahhh yimyum ur mind 😱

cries and falls over, what the heck this is so incredibly nice, thank you so much 😭 I've been working on this world for a lot of years and it feels really nice to finally organize the basic ideas and toss it out there wahh, and tbh i still go back and add little things to the pages every now and then. it really means a lot that you're so interested in my silly little scrunklies and im so glad you like em 🥹 tysm for taking the time to read through everything, and its okay if you don't get through all of it too, i know its a lot and im glad you looked through even a little bit of em 😭 this made my night honestly you're an absolute sweetheart 💞💞

[beatbawksradio]

*ੈ✩‧₊˚Event Horizon✧˖*°࿐

[beatbawksradio]

🐈‍⬛ spooky month 🎃

[beatbawksradio]

╔═•✦❘༻under the bridge༺❘✦•═╗

[beatbawksradio]

reminding myself to appreciate the good things that are here now. life is happy and good, and it wouldn't be this good if i didn't have so much darkness in the past to let me notice and appreciate it

[beatbawksradio]

vent about being the bad guy

i dont ever really want to give anyone the impression that i think im perfect or that im beyond making mistakes or hurting others. having mirror touch synesthesia doesn't make me a saint or a mind reader. i cant predict how someone's going to react to something before they do, i can only understand their reaction after its happened. i think a lot of people get this impression that his hyperaggressive super empathy is supposed to also make me like. absolutely magically perfect when it comes to interacting with others, like bc im a pacfist who cares about how i hurt others, that means that i shouldnt be capable of interacting with people in any sort of hurtful way. and any time i do, then suddenly im not actually the person i say i am, or im just using MTS as a shield from criticism or faking it or whatever. "you shouldve known this would hurt," or "why didnt you think about that before you said/did it". but thats simply not true, and is a gross and ridiculous expectation to put on someone

bc the truth is im just another normal human being, just like everyone else. and i make mistakes just like everyone else. ive honestly said and done some really, really stupid shit in my past that i have no excuse for, but have at least grown from that behavior to know enough to not do it anymore. i havent always been the best at apologizing either, and im trying to do better with that as well. and there have been times when ive just been going through traumatic events that have affected my mood, causing me to be more unstable about my more negative emotions. and sometimes, im simply just callous and thoughtless and say something hurtful without really putting any thought behind how it could be received. it happens

i think its important for everyone to acknowledge that they can fuck up sometimes, no matter how nice of a person they try to be. we all have bad days, we all have bad circumstances that life hits us with, and we all cannot be expected to be perfect 100% of the time. literally everyone has engaged in toxic behavior at some point of their life, and sitting here pretending anyone is 'holier than thou' and has never done any wrong ever is also toxic. maybe the wrongdoing is of different degrees, but everyone has still made mistakes and hurt people in their past. anyone who tries to act like they havent is lying

and sometimes like. youre gonna end up being the bad guy in other people's eyes, too, not just the person you hurt. and thats okay, its good for them to have support when they feel hurt. its good for them to stand up and let you know what youve done. sometimes they might not forgive you, or you might end up being pushed out of friend circles. thats okay too. its important to respect peoples boundaries and their sense of space and safety. yeah its gonna suck ass if things are so bad that people cut you off over it, and yeah its gonna suck if the situation was more complicated than what was told to others

but at the end of the day, the people most important in your life are the ones who are gonna stick with you. theyre the ones who will not only support and forgive you for your shortcomings today, but also want to see you grow into an even better person tomorrow. after all, you can only grow into a better person if you still have people supporting you and helping you heal in the right direction; thats something i have never, ever wanted to take away from someone, no matter how angry ive been at them. i understand just how important it is to have people to talk to, even if i suspect that someone is manipulating their support. that doesnt matter, i cant save anyone from a toxic person's manipulation, and attempting to is a much more toxic move on my part. ive been at the receiving end of smear campaigns far too many times for me to ever want to inflict that kind of isolation and mistrust on another person. loneliness never helped anyone

sometimes, people might just be incompatible with one another. no matter how much we want everything to be a cute happy lil diverse funny group where everyone gets along and forgives one another, sometimes two people just really shouldnt ever be next to each other. you dont need to be friends with every human on the planet to be a good person, its okay to dislike people. sometimes thats bc of their personalities, and sometimes its because of their actions towards yourself or others. disliking or not trusting someone doesnt mean theyre going to be a "bad person" for the rest of their life, unfit for redemption and unfit to ever have any friends ever, it just means youre not compatible to be friends with them and thats okay. i, personally, want the people who have hurt me to find out how to do better on their own and grow as people, both for themself and for those around them, because ultimately i dont want other people to continue getting hurt by them. the only one who can stop that is the person themself; and i also cant be around for that redemption. they can get better, but they can do that away from me, bc im only going to continue hampering their progress and growth. i recognize that it would be the same for the people ive hurt, too. if someone's attitude or behavior just stresses you out, there is literally nothing wrong with simply avoiding that person. just like there would be nothing wrong if someone avoided you for things that are innate aspects of your personality; avoiding someone you dislike is a far, far better option than trying to force a friendship that ends up in a lot of stress or worse

wrapping back around, like... i dont want to ever give the impression that i believe ive never done anything wrong, ever, or that MTS makes me incapable of wrongdoing. i have, i absolutely have. ive been the bad guy to a lot of people in my past, whether justified or not. some of those people might not ever forgive me and thats okay; i dont want to be around someone who ive hurt and whos not able to get past it, bc i know that trying to be around them will only continue to hurt them more. its okay to let people go. and its okay to acknowledge that youve been a 'bad guy,' because it doesnt mean that youre an inherently bad person unworthy of any friendships whos going to keep hurting people forever and ever. acknowledging that youve fucked up is the first step in how you start doing better about it. and you can start doing better literally today, literally right now, you can decide that youre going to change a behavior and be a better person for yourself and those around you. theres nothing like... dishonest or deceptive about changing your attitude or changing your mind about things. its natural, and its what youre supposed to do. change is a good thing. what matters the most is not what youve done in the past, but what youre doing right now, and if youre not hurting anyone anymore in the right now, then thats the accurate reflection of your character, not your worst days. you are who you are today.

turn the page, and dont look back. be better today than you were yesterday

[beatbawksradio]

long post about a conversation i had with my therapist about my Mirror Touch Synesthesia a while back

my therapist: okay so I've done some research since our last session and I've figured out why i and none of the therapists you had before me have ever heard of Synesthesia. it's because its not actually a mental illness at all, it's a physiological brain condition, a mutation in your neural pathways that causes your brain to experience more sensory signals than average

me: well i kinda knew that much. it doesn't change the fact that these sensations are still not real and something i should be able to just get over and not let affect me anymore

my therapist: hold on, let's step back a moment. this is a physiological brain condition. that means that your sensations are not actually delusional or hallucinatory. they are actual, real sensations that are indistinguishable from "real" physical stumuli. this effectively makes them no different from "real" physical stimuli, the damage it does to your brain is identical. i want to emphasize: this is not a mental illness. this is not something that can be cured or overcome. there is no treatment for this. there are no pills you can take or any therapy you can go through that's going to just make these sensations disappear. you will experience this for the rest of your life. what we need to work on is not trying to numb this sensation, but to work on how you can validate and accommodate yourself effectively, and surround yourself with a support system that does the same

me: but what if someone is trying to post about their own pain or injury, and i ask them to at least hide the content so I'm not affected? isn't that selfish of me to try and stifle and claim ownership over pain that they're legitimately experiencing?

my therapist: hiding the content is a very simple ask and if they can't abide that boundary, then they're not someone with your best interests and safety in mind. from what I've learned, in my opinion, i believe someone intentionally posting images of injury where you can see it while knowing about your condition, could medically constitute physical assault against you

me: im sorry, but no one is ever going to take me seriously if i try to argue that my echo of imaginary pain is anything similar to the real physical pain or assault that they've gone through. claiming that images can physically assault me is ridiculous

my therapist: only people who don't care about you in a real way will treat you like that, and I'm saddened that you've never been given that validation before. you can still care for someone in physical pain while having your boundaries respected. if they refuse to validate your pain and continue to cause you damage, then yes, you are legitimately being physically assaulted by them. anyone who doesnt want to respect that is not someone who is important enough in your life to stay close to. you are more than allowed to cut off anyone who assaults you in this way, just as you would if someone did physically assault your actual body

me: okay... and what of people who have a difficult or impossible time understanding this condition and my boundaries because of it? how would i get through to someone with little to no capacity for empathy without being unfair about it?

my therapist: life isn't always fair. sometimes, people may simply be incompatible. there's nothing wrong with that. and if being around someone, mentally ill or not, stresses you out and causes you to be a victim of physical violence, it is not unfair of you to cut them off and avoid them. if someone isn't capable of understanding what they did wrong, then you won't ever be able to trust them to understand your boundaries. it is what it is. it's much better for everyone involved for you to avoid anyone you don't trust to properly accommodate for you, than for you to repeatedly have your boundaries crossed and your body assaulted over something they also can't control. its not your responsibility to "fix" anyone also struggling with mental illness who can't understand how they're hurting you, and realistically i don't know if you'd ever be able to get through to them on your own anyway. if they're not willing to accept or validate your condition, they're more likely to cause more problems for you by inciting distrust through claiming that your condition isn't real, claiming that you use your condition to be selfish or manipulative, or otherwise claiming that you're not good or kind enough to deserve your boundaries being respected and this condition being taken seriously

me: hit the nail on the head with that....

my therapist: its what I've observed by what you've been through and the way you talk about your Synesthesia. it seems like you've been targeted by a lot of toxic people who see you as a reputational stepping stone to make themselves look better, only to "expose" you once you realize what's happening and try to stand up for yourself. i can't imagine how exhausting it must be to constantly have this thing you undeniably feel and can't control called into question at every turn. that's why i think it's so important to make sure we're validating this as a physiological condition, and not a mental illness, because that changes things a lot. its not just "all in your head," its not just being "too sensitive and needing thick skin," and it's not just "get therapy and stop letting affect you." You're stuck with this, forever, and the people around you need to understand that just as much as you do. they need to accommodate for you with the same effort that you accommodate for yourself, bottom line. if they can't do that, then they can't be in your life. you deserve to protect yourself from physical assault. you deserve to remember that this is physical assault, physical abuse that we're dealing with, not simple discomfort or anxiety or hallucinations. i think your life will improve significantly once you and your support system understand that

[beatbawksradio]

hm

[beatbawksradio]

me: i think all of the world's problems could be solved with love and kindness. i just want to be nice, even to mean people, bc i want to show them that there's a better way to live and hopefully they'll learn to be nicer, too

my therapist: BACK UP. THATS A FAWNING RESPONSE. YOU WERE ABUSED IN CHILDHOOD. THERE REALLY ARE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD JUST AVOID ACTUALLY

me: but what if they go on to continue hurting other people? what if i could do something to change that? what if they're not aware that they're being hurtful?

my therapist: while trusting that people want to generally do good is a healthy mindset, its unfortunately not an absolute. there are people who just straight up choose to be abusive, and neither their actions, nor the hurt they cause others, are your responsibility. you do not need to "prove" to anyone that you're a good person by being friends with or even being nice to everyone on the planet. there are people you simply shouldn't be nice to. the simple fact that you want to be as nice as you possibly can is what drives your decision-making and inherently makes you a good person, full stop. thats not something that needs proving

[beatbawksradio]

agsgdhsjak love that my tag on ur bloggy seems to "fish for ples :)" love you muah muah

it keeps on quick suggesting me when i start typing fish so im just "oh yeah that's it that's the vibe"

fish for you :)

[beatbawksradio]

something ive been doing a lot with myself lately is like... running through the scenarios in my head that cause me anxiety/anger and just responding to it with smth like, "okay, so the worst case scenario happens. now what? how do you deal with that?"

and it kinda helps ground me and zoom out from the situation a bit. even if problems happen, i develop a general strategy for how i could respond to it in a healthier way. it takes a lot of the ambiguous voidness out of the thing causing me anxiety and helps me control the doomsday thinking in a bit of a braver way. instead of being lost in the "im too scared to think about how much this would suck," i start focusing on like "its fine if it sucks, bc i have a plan and now i can enjoy whats happening in real time." that way, instead of constantly thinking between the past and the future, i can let myself pay better attention to the present. its been helping 💜

[beatbawksradio]

im gonna self love appreciation positivity in public and you cant stop me

i just really genuinely love how much I've been getting outside this year and doing better with my overall health waahh 💞 ive lost a total of 80lbs and my freckles are finally starting to come back after covid/social isolation 🥹 ive honestlt never felt more beautiful in my life 💜

[beatbawksradio]

[beatbawksradio]

self love isn't about being full of yourself or putting yourself above others. its not about selfishness or stepping on others to better yourself. its not about needing the spotlight so everyone can see how great you are.

its about taking care of yourself the same way you'd take care of someone you love. its about being patient with yourself, comforting yourself, and forgiving yourself. its about appreciating your body and this beautiful opportunity for life you've been gifted, and giving yourself the chance to experience the things that make you happy and feel good. its about validating your own pain, and also not letting it consume you, because you love yourself, you don't want to see yourself stressed out for no reason, and you want yourself to heal. its about not needing an extra spotlight, because you're already comfortable and secure about who you are, and enjoy seeing others have their moments to shine. its about accepting who you are, exactly as you are, flaws and all.

once you learn how to give that love to yourself, you'll know how to give it to others, too

[beatbawksradio]

a kind soul cannot heal a corrupted soul, no matter how hard they try. the sole duty of the kind soul is to heal their own corruption, for that is their only responsibility. all kind souls will find themselves on the path of healing, of doing away with their own corruption, of their own volition, driven by their own courage. kindness finds company among those who have also healed themselves, not through creating company by shouldering someone else's responsibility.