#chronicpainistakingovermylife

[justalittlejess]

There’s not really one specific reason I’m crying right now. I think everything has gotten to be a bit too much and I’m overwhelmed; with emotions, pain, and decisions. I’ve tried letting my control go, but now that I have, people are asking me to make decisions about my future. I think I’m mad because I never see my mom anymore and I see my brother more than I’d like to. I miss having days off-days to do laundry and wear whatever I wanted without the pressure of an upcoming appointment. My employer is running me ragged and then they wonder why it was necessary for me to take six months off. They ask me who hurt me when I’m cranky because of the amount of pain I’m in. I don’t want to say it’s their fault because it’s not. They’re trying to run a business. It’s my fault because I’m stupid enough to keep saying yes before thinking of how I’ll feel when I get home that night without being able to walk around my house. I resort to my crutches that I keep by the front door and walk out the next morning as if nothing happened; as if I feel no remaining pain from the day before. I hate myself for hiding all of this and not letting people help me like I know they would. I miss my friends. I hate that I keep seeing snapchats of everyone moving into their dorms and have to act like I don’t want that life because that’s all I wanted for college. I wanted to live like a normal person but I can’t because of this lurking shadow that might consume me soon. If anybody has any tips for living like a normal person even with chronic pain, please help me. I could really use it

[justalittlejess]

Here’s the thing...

Okay, life is grand. I see it. It’s beautiful and everything you want it to be, if you just try. But that beauty is also out of reach, for me and many others because of medical issues and I want everybody to realize how unfair this is. Media in general really enjoys advertising fun vacations that a normal person can take. But me? I have to sit here and not fully know if I can travel two hours to see my grandparents until about an hour before because so many factors other than my want determine whether I can do something or not. I was supposed to be in Nashville right now but I may never be able to go and do the things I want there because of my chronic pain. And all of this isn’t fair. I want to fix it. I really do, but at 17 years old, what doctor will listen?