#commodifying lol hard word

[laicademar]

hello! I'm searching from resources about technomancy, anyone practices or has any books, manifestos, blogs, githubs, etc? ^^ 

[goresevraq]

about your comment in that yellowjackets ask: tai isn't shown to be wealthy in the 90s tho unlike lottie and it seems that she had been having visions since before the plan crash. i feel like the show did try to say something about the structure of society (also from the writers own words) in season 1, what with jackie being the first one to die and be eaten, but there hasn't been much since; none of the girls seem to feel specially guilty or grossed out about the cannibalism or blame themselves or each other for one of them dying. it kinda feels like stuff happens and they react to it and then move on. like the birds that fell from the sky, apparently they ate them and moved on.

sorry for ranting in your inbox lol! but idk season 2 has been kind of disappointing so far because there has been little conflict among the girls that would lead to them turning into rival clans, their main dispute rn is lottie's cultish antics instead of everything else going on. it feels like whatever the writers set out to say about society, that girls could do lord of the flies and all that seemed to have stopped in season 1 so far.

anon, tumblr deleted my entire long response to this and i cannot retrieve it. hellsite. anyway bullet point response

imo it's pretty key to tai's character that she embodies a specific dream of middle class upwards mobility. it's both a result of her glaringly middle class upbringing (esp in comparison to van and tai's home lives) and her like, 'hard work get things done' attitude. there's a pretty distinctly racial context to that (i.e. black women are pressured to work twice as hard to get half as far, etc), which the show explicitly points out and problematises. see: "you're like a queer kamala", tai bringing up representation rhetoric in her chat w the intrusive rich white lady, nat constantly pointing out her money and connections, etc. in a literal diegetic sense she has more to lose than her white peers (in money, status, etc).

where it gets interesting & where i hope the show will go is what this means for tai's relationship with wilderness and civility. like you said, she's had visions/hallucinations for years, and this is p explicitly set up as 1) a condition her grandmother shares and 2) thematically yoked to caretaking and old age. what this means for 1) is that the wilderness is a uniquely hereditary sort of haunting for tai--it's the sort of vast terror that precedes her and can't be silenced with hard work and a bootstrap mentality. + tai struggles acknowledge her sleepwalking self unless it's through memories of her grandmother or secondhand accounts (she seeks external confirmation a lot, e.g. "you know how bad it gets"): in both cases her interaction with her alter is facilitated by care and external recognition.

what does it mean that this wilderness obstructs tai's ability to care for her wife and son, but provides the basis for a connection with her (white) ex? idk man but it's fascinating

WEB du bois' double consciousness comes to mind as a (possibly on the nose) reference.

she practiced land use law. she tried to leave the wilderness behind by exercising influence over how land would be portioned and commodified through the legal system. fuck!!! yellowjackets is not a subtle show and we love that for her.

haven't caught up on s2 yet but that's really disappointing to hear! it sounds like they're pulling punches when they should be pushing the tension, which. ugh. why do prestige shows always trip into this pattern lmao

afaik the only black woman on the main writing team did not return for season 2, so. hmm. hmmmmm

wait one more. can we talk about how in death tai's grandmother became the vision that she feared in life? that her grandmother joins the ranks of those haunting her?

and that tai is biracial and this is very specifically her maternal grandmother?

i love taissa turner sorry lost the plot of your ask there anon

[buckttommy]

2022 writing review

tagged by: @rosesau. honestly? i'm pretty sure other people have tagged me but i wanted to wait until the very last day of december to do this because i knew i still had one more fic (101 Ways) in me so! i am sorry if you tagged me in this towards the middle/beginning of december, i forgot but i still ly

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 14

2. Word count posted for the year: 90,600

3. Fandoms I wrote for: 9-1-1

4. Pairings: buck/eddie

5. Story with the most: 

kudos: hear me now (1733) bookmarks: also hear me now (506) comment threads: aaaand here me now again (83)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): bite your tongue to watch it bleed was just a stream of conscious thought turned into fic. I put Eddie on Frank's couch but it was mostly therapy for me.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): CATWS au because it was the most disingenuous thing i have ever written lol

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received: I've returned to Charlie (@safeashousespdf)'s comments on the bullet in my gun several times and think about them often

SHUT UPPPPP SHUT UP OKAY THIS IS SO GOOD. The use of flashbacks, the way there are all these different bits and bobs and styles all gnarled together and how it reflects all the chaos of Eddie's thoughts and his conversation with Frank and then it all just-- Freezes. Like I physically felt time slow down. Idk how you did it but that whole long flashback about Alex and high school and all of that stuff, I could literally feel it taking place between seconds. And the DIALOGUE of Eddie and Frank just having a go at each other like this?? Oh what a serve. I love when it's busy at the therapy appointment and the closeted gay men get mean <3 ALSO** RAMON AS A LONG HAUL TRUCKER WORKS SO WELL AND IS SOMETHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED..... ALSO SIDE NOTE: "Careful with that body, boy. People will see everything you don't want them two." I'M SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THIS LINE. I love when author's address characters directly for a brief moment because it's like, who is speaking?? Is Eddie saying this to himself? Is his father? Is it someone else? Are we breaking the fourth wall by acknowledging Eddie as a character, trapped within a narrative that doesn't want him to be happy??? IS IT ALL OF THE ABOVE??? And the way you refer to his body as a secondary object: something he owns rather than something he is. Something that he can commodify, he can sell it to the military or to his father or manipulate it so that nobody can see who he really is. That also fucked me up. Anyway this was incredible, Jack.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: Buddie Big Bang was one the worst writing experiences of my life. Will I probably do it again? Sure. But I hated it in the moment.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Writing smut in CATWS AU and Bittersweet and Cruel. I've never wanted to write smut, and still don't want to. Hated every second of it, never doing that again.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: Honestly? I have quite a few lines that had me shook, like, purely just cannot believe they came from my brain. But the first two bits that came to mind are

across our great divide:

El Paso has a way of drawing blood, all hometowns do. That's how your roots grow, after all, right through the soil upon which you bled and then back up under your skin, forever tying you to the land that birthed you.

speak in the silence:

[...] As if love is a currency, a bartered exchange between two distant parties. Hell, maybe in his family, that is all it will ever be. But that is not is not love. Love is a garden that leaves blossoms on your tongue and teeth, planting seeds every time you kiss the cheek of someone you adore and cradle. Love is soot under your nails and smoke in your skin, because love always leaves the ninety-nine to save the one. Love is the giggle of your son pressed against the cotton of your shirt, and a rosepetal birthmark above a strong brow set in a kind face, and a home-cooked meal spread out on a long wooden table. Love, Eddie knows now, is an action verb; it is not just an inkstain in Merriam-Webster's; it lives and breathes and weaves and anchors. It exists, even if it runs dry within the walls of his parents' home.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: I finally became more settled into my identity as a writer; I know what I like. I know what I don't. I know what ways I still want to challenge myself, what things aren't for me. I took risks with enormous payoff and I took risks that I maybe shouldn't have, but I did them and that's what matters most at the end of it, since the past cannot be rewritten.

13. How do you hope to grow next year: Not sure! I guess I'll figure it out as the opportunities come along.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc): @kitkatpancakestack @malinaa and @rosesau, you guys challenge and inspire my writing all the time so thank you <3

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: *gestures wildly at bite your tongue*

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: You will never, ever, ever write like anyone/everyone else. Even your favorite authors, so please stop trying. Embrace who you are as a writer and, if you don't know who that is, explore it. You are the only one who can/will ever write like you so don't hide behind trying to write like others; it won't work and it'll only make you miserable.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: Most of my projects are for IRL writing, but! My goals are to: finish the second draft of my {REDACTED NOVEL}, explore the bounds of an idea I have for a short story collection in the same universe, and publish a few fun fic things along the way :) :) :)

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read. @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels @extasiswings @sabitchhh @kitkatpancakestack @kirkaut @rewritetheending @raisesomehale @malinaa <333

[karpedayam]

Day 53: July 13

Today started in a very ... interesting way. Kuann left early to go on the mobile health unit and she latched our door from this outside, so Laura and I were stuck for a bit LOL. I didn’t make it to the hospital in time for rounds, so I decided to check out the labour ward. Sandra and Riya were there and guess what: a woman named Prema just came in and was expected to deliver in an hour!! Speaking things into existence really has a way of working here. I was super excited but also wanted to let Dr. Abhignya know so she wasn’t looking for me, so I went up to the Panchakarma centre where everyone was huddled around the table where Dr. Abhignya was working on the caladium powder, just dipping the wicks in castor oil in preparation for their burning. I talked with the Panchakarma therapy students a lot and learned everyone’s names and they taught me some Kannada and I taught them some German and French and it was cute, they’re so lovely. Madhu started working on wrapping some of the wicks in gauze apparently to make a “herbal cigarette” which is traditionally used. Interesting stuff. 

I went back down to the labour room and waited with Riya and Sandra (pic #4). We talked a lot about their program - it’s 5.5 years and they get no vacation except like 5 days for Christmas. I’d been thinking about studying Ayurveda here but that’s pretty intense, plus I don’t think the BAMS degree is recognized in Canada. Then I asked Sandra about my pulse theories and turns out I was kinda right! It has to do with irregularity and stuff and what’s super cool is it’s also about where the pulse is the strongest. You use your left arm because it has a more direct route from the heart, and place 3 fingers. The one closest to your hand is Vata, then Pitta, then Kapha. So wherever the pulse is the strongest is your Prakurti constitution. So I asked her what mine was and she said Vata/Pitta which is right haha. Cool stuff. 

Nurses were in and out checking on Prema, her water broke (I think). I went upstairs as I was getting kind of impatient and Dr. Abhignya and I went for tea. She’s leaving tonight to go on a hike in the Himalayas called “Valley of Flowers” and it’s just like tons of flowers. Can you imagine? She’s amazing. I want to be her. I wish I didn’t have a plane ticket booked back I would’ve went. Also, Kuann and Laura invited me to go to Thailand in 2 weeks which is what I really wanted and had a feeling would happen which is why I didn’t wanna book a ticket home but oh well. Gotta get home and work! I’m missing home a lot less here though. I truly do love it here. My heart is in too many places. 

Anyway, I went back to the labour room and she was just starting to push! Juliana and Joanna were also there. It was incredible and horrifying. Like I’m still kind of cringing honestly thinking about the procedure, so I guess you could say my OB/GYN pipe dream is going to remain just that. After about a half hour she delivered, and the baby was so limp and not crying when she came out I was so nervous. They hit her on the back a bit and then she started to cry a bit and then I started crying LOL. God I’m emotional. It was AMAZING. It was especially special since it was Joanna’s birthday. We just had so many feelings about the experience I truly don’t have words. I’m glad I did it because now I know it’s not for me. It’s amazing, truly, but I don’t want to be the one behind the mask for the short procedure I want to be the person who supports people along in their lives holistically. I’ve known this since I was like 12 I don’t know why I keep doubting myself. 

 After this we ate lunch (Puri!!!! Yay!!) and we just were on such a high. What an absolutely beautiful day. We talked about music, and Simran joined us and we all played music in school which was neat and talked about how much we love playing in a group. I suggested we start a band LOL. 2 violins, a cello and a clarinet is a good mix right? Haha. 

After lunch, I went back to Panchakarma centre and Dr. Abhignya was there tending to the burning caladium wicks. The setup is really neat, the wicks burn in the oil under a supported clay tile, the ash falls to the ground and then the black material that sticks to the tile is scraped off and used as Caladium for the eyes. So interesting. It was nice just doing that with Dr. Abhignya, the Panchakarma centre is much more my speed, I feel so at home there. I really don’t want to leave. The Panchakarma students came back after their lunch and they sat with me and we talked for awhile. They’re mostly around my age, and they were testing me to see if I remembered names and I remembered Madhu’s and he put his hand on his heart and like “fake fainted” it was funny. He’s always being silly, and he said he’s a yoga teacher and could teach me some and some tricks to be happy which was cute. They left for class and I talked with some of the certified therapists for a bit telling them about Canada and stuff. I had my final facial procedure done by Hassina and we talked a lot during it. She went to university in Bangalore and did a 1-year program afterward about Panchakarma. The students here are in a 6 month program. Honestly, I’d consider doing that if Naturopathy falls through. It’s mostly in English, and I love being in Sargur and the people are so funny and welcoming. So many beautiful things keep happening to me here, it’s incredible like why wouldn’t I want to stay? Hassina is Muslim too which is interesting because I’ve associated Ayurveda so much with Hinduism, but I really don’t think that link is as close as I thought, especially now. 

I found Laura after my procedure as she was waiting for a consultation with Dr. Abhignya and so we had the consultation in the Panchakarma centre. We then talked for the last bit of Dr. Abhignya’s time at the hospital before leaving which was nice. I got to ask most of my questions and she agreed with me about many things but had a lot of new perspective to add too. The combinations of medicines used in Ayurveda, it’s not known why these combinations work butit’s just known that they work together. We talked about the commodifying of alternative medicine as just about herbs (which I’ve seen in research) and how this isn’t fair as it doesn’t take into account the combinations necessary to make everything work and that just because it’s herbal doesn’t mean it’s good - herbs can be toxic too. It’s kind of like that complementary farming idea I learned about from Dr. Vombatkere a few weeks ago - plants growing together support each other and where one fails the other makes up for it; where one herb is toxic an interaction with another one neutralizes it. What’s super interesting is that Dr. Abhignya said practices such as yoga and ayurveda became more popular in India after “the West” became interested in them. She said Indians are very easily influenced as we’ve seen in history, and that even in schools it’s only Western biomedical sciences that are taught - no one learns about Ayurvedic theory and concepts. She talked about how it’s not just about being a doctor, and the broader you start thinking, the better. It’s a hard concept to grasp. 

I asked some more specific questions about the prayer that was said before procedures, and about the idol in the centre that’s always adorned with flowers and candles. It’s Lord Dhanwantari, the lord of medicines. I’ve never heard about this so I’d love to research it more! I told her about wanting to do the Panchakarma program and she said it’d be a good idea to get my naturopathic degree in Canada, and if I think it’s necessary or there are gaps, to then fill it in with Ayurvedic practices. I talked a lot too about not wanting to appropriate and what’s at stake in transferring the tradition to the West in that I feel like a lot of the practice is informed by a specific worldview that we generally might not have in the West. Maybe it’s not that complicated, Dr. Abhignya understood where I was coming from though but said it’s just important to keep the concept in mind - when you ignore that, problems arise. 

Anyways, after this I had some cake for Joanna’s birthday and Laura and I went downtown. I got a nice nose ring and some packaged stuff to make Jamun and Sambar. We came back and I finished my presentation, went to dinner with Ana and Joanna and the power went out during dinner. It was a scary walk back so dark but it was the first time I could see more than 2 stars so that was AWESOME. We got back and had more gourmet dorm room banana splits, and talked a lot about colonialism (surprise) and language. Really cool conversations about the Caribbean specifically in that colonizers adapted specific words from Indigenous languages and they got adopted into Spanish. Also apparently the Bahamas was originally called “Bahamar” which if you think about it, that translates to shallow sea. 

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye