#da qing would pull pranks

[lisatelramor]

Sucker Punch

I apologize in advance, I had a thought and had to follow it through. Dick Jokes occurred. I’m not actually that sorry. Guys, really this is your own fault for getting me to watch a show with a flirtatious protagonist with an oral fixation. :P I’m inflicting this on you. @vulcansdarkest

***

It was supposed to be a joke. The team all knew what Lin Jing slipped into Zhao Yunlan’s desk. (And everyone but Zhu Hong found it at least a little funny.) Da Qing had found them. After years of living with Zhao Yunlan, he had a bit of a habit of noticing certain kinds of sweets. Especially after Zhao Yunlan stopped smoking. He hadn’t been looking for it of course. He’d just been on a walk, and maybe pestering one of the local shops for scraps because he knew they had a soft spot for cats. And he’d maybe mentioned it offhand later to Lin Jing. But he wasn’t the one to but it.

That dubious pleasure went, of course, to Guo Changcheng. And he only bought it because the concept had almost made Chu Shuzhi audibly laugh, which made everyone pay attention, which led to Da Qing sarcastically saying they should give it to Zhao Yunlan, and then somehow Guo Changcheng was nominated as the sacrifice on acquiring the goods.

(He couldn’t look anyone in the face after that for hours. They almost felt guilty.)

Of course then they almost didn’t put it in Zhao Yunlan’s desk because it could, in a way, be construed as harassment. But as Da Qing pointed out, Zhao Yunlan had no shame and none of their ragtag group had anything resembling deference to him except maybe Guo Changcheng because he wasn’t as much of a misfit as the rest of them.

Which led to everyone holding their collective breaths as Zhao Yunlan sauntered in at a fashionably late time.

“Ah?” he said looking at everyone at their work stations for once. “So quiet and diligent today.” He sounded terribly suspicious. “What expensive thing did one of you break?” Zhao Yunlan looked at Lin Jing.

Lin Jing looked back, wide eyed. “What? I didn’t break anything! Don’t go cutting my pay before I’ve even done anything!”

Zhao Yunlan looked at Da Qing next. Da Qing, who was in cat form, had the perfect excuse for not saying anything. Zhao Yunlan’s gaze landed on Guo Changcheng, who couldn’t lie for shit.

Guo Changcheng hurriedly looked down at his notebook.

Suspicious. Zhao Yunlan narrowed his eyes. “Alright. Well whatever you did better not reflect back on me or none of you get your bonuses this month.” He went into his office.

Outside, Da Qing twisted around, ears pricked toward the door. Habit dictated that in the next few minutes, Zhao Yunlan would reach into his desk for a lollipop. He waited. And waited. Nothing.

“No response?” Lin Jing asked in a loud whisper.

Da Qing shifted human. “Nothing,” he confirmed.

“Not even a laugh?”

They all looked at the door. Nothing.

“How well did you hide it?” Da Qing asked.

“I put it on top of his lollipop stash where he’d see it right away!”

Silence.

“I said we shouldn’t have done it,” Zhu Hong said.

“M-maybe he just had a lollipop on hand already?” Guo Changcheng said nervously.

The phone rang and that signaled that they had to actually do some work instead of waiting.

The prank was temporarily forgotten as they got dragged into yet another string of mysterious deaths and no one had time to think anything of it for at least the next forty-eight hours.

By the third day, it was written off as a loss as clearly it hadn’t hit as humorously as intended.

The fourth, Shen Wei was visiting, as he so often was, there to do more research into the Hallows, or perhaps just visiting Zhao Yunlan (not that any of them would say that out loud). Zhao Yunlan was in his office finishing up a phone call or his sixth sense for the professor would probably have kicked in by that point and he’d have been out there pestering him.

“Tea?” Lang Zheng offered Shen Wei.

“Thank you,” he said with a well-practiced polite smile. It was the one pulled out in most social situations as far as Da Qing was able to tell and entirely different than the ones Zhao Yunlan coaxed from him. It was all very mushy and gross and Da Qing was glad he’d managed to avoid too much of them making eyes at each other. “Has it been a busy day?” Shen Wei asked, glancing at Zhao Yunlan’s office.

“Not for us. Higher ups have been calling all day though because the bill for the cleanup of the last case went through,” Da Qing said. He was entirely unsympathetic. What, did they expect facing Dixingren with woken powers would be easy and destruction free?

“Ah.” Shen Wei’s polite smile edged toward sympathetic. “I apologize for not being more help to end that quicker.”

“You’re a consulting professor,” Zhu Hong said. “No one’s expecting you to do our jobs.” She might not like that Zhao Yunlan made eyes at Shen Wei, but Shen Wei made it really hard not to like him at least a little bit. He was polite, which was a novelty in and of itself with everyone in the SID. “Besides, Zhao Yunlan can pull his weight for once in handling the higher ups.”

“I am sure he’s doing his best,” Shen Wei said diplomatically.

Zhao Yunlan’s door banged open and he strode out with his typical dramatic flair, lollipop tucked in his cheek and a frown on his face. The frown melted away instantly when he saw Shen Wei. “Ah! A dull day just got brighter!”

Da Qing rolled his eyes as Shen Wei seemed to actually enjoy the dramatics if the tiny smile on his face was anything to go by. They were so obvious toward each other it was embarrassing.

Zhao Yunlan tossed himself onto the couch beside Shen Wei like he thought someone else might take that space. Or maybe he just wanted to be close. “All of you,” he said, “should be thanking me because I just saved your paychecks.”

“Thank you, Chief Zhao,” Guo Changcheng said earnestly.

Da Qing gave out a little sarcastic, “Yay.”

Zhao Yunlan wrinkled his nose at them. “All of you are fired, Xiao Guo’s the only one of you with a sense of gratitude. Normally we’d be celebrating a closed case, bu—ut, that was a sad team effort, let’s do better next time.”

“I mean we could celebrate it being over,” Lin Jing said.

“We could!” Zhao Yunlan said agreeably. “Only if one of you are paying for it.” He pointed with his lollipop at the group. There was a three second pause as everyone looked at what he had in his hand before Shen Wei choked on his tea. “Are you okay?”

“I’m… Fine.” Shen Wei’s face was turning red.

“Oh my god,” Lin Jing said.

“What?” Zhao Yunlan popped the candy back in his mouth and Shen Wei started having another coughing fit. “One of you put these in my drawer; did you think I wouldn’t eat them?”

“Oh my god.”

Da Qing started cackling.

Zhao Yunlan’s lips quirked up in a smirk. “I’ll admit, that’s a pretty creative way to tell your boss to go suck a dick.” He pulled the lollipop out, examining its phallic shape. “I didn’t even know they made this sort of thing.”

“Why,” Lin Jing asked, “are you eating it?”

“Because I can?” Zhao Yunlan said with an innocent expression. “I mean it’s not actually a—”

“Yunlan!” Shen Wei choked.

Zhao Yunlan gave his team a disappointed look. “I hope you’re proud of yourselves. You broke Shen Wei.”

Da Qing snorted. “No, that’s all you.”

“Ah but you’re the ones who gave me a bag of dick-shaped lollipops. They’re peach flavored, by the way, interesting choice.”

Chu Shuzhi looked torn between smirking and guilt, eyes flicking between Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan. Guo Changcheng wrung his hands next to him. Zhu Hong looked done with everything and Da Qing would feel a little bad about the whole thing except it was still pretty hilarious. From how Zhao Yunlan’s eyes glinted with amusement, he also found it funny instead of insulting. Their senses of humor did run along the same lines a lot.

“Maybe,” Shen Wei said, “you could choose a different lollipop for the moment.”

“But Shen Wei, if my team is going to group up to tell me to suck a dick, how can I possibly refuse?” He winked. It was painfully over the top and Shen Wei looked like he was dying inside just a little.

“And I’m leaving,” Zhu Hong said. “Have fun if you decide to have a party.”

“Hey, don’t just leave us here with this!” Lin Jing protested.

“You dug the hole, lie in it,” Zhu Hong said unsympathetically.

“Such a power move,” Zhao Yunlan said in fake lamentation. “Such a statement. Telling a man to suck a dick and giving the means all in one action.” He tilted his head. “Do you think I could get away with—”

“No,” Shen Wei said.

“But if I—”

“No.”

Zhao Yunlan sunk back on the couch, pouting. Da Qing had a feeling that the bag of lollipops were going to go missing under mysterious circumstances. Not that this was a problem because if Zhao Yunlan was serious about offending people with them, Da Qing would wholeheartedly acquire another bag.

“…Are we…having a party?” Guo Changcheng asked tentatively.

“Sure,” Zhao Yunlan said. “And I conveniently have dessert to share with all of you.” He pulled out a handful of the phallic lollipops from his pocket.

Da Qing collapsed into laughter again at everyone’s horrified expressions. Ah, another day in the SID.

***

The exact thought that inspired this was my brain going "Hey. You know they make dick lollipops. That would mean you could tell someone to go suck a dick. Then give them one. In a complete power move." ... "Somehow this would relate back to Zhao Yunlan. Poor Shen Wei. The thirst is real." If anyone was wondering, you can really buy penis shaped lollipops, or molds if you want to make them yourself. I’m not linking to them tho, haha

[miss-ingno]

Got tagged by @elenothar and @buriedbybooks! Thank you both :D sorry it took me so long! Rules: List the LAST lines of the last ten (10) stories you published.  Look to see any patterns you notice yourself, and see if anyone else  notices any. Then tag some friends.

1) Special Occasion (Weilan, M for smut, fluff)

Shen Wei bit back the fond smile threatening to spill out and went about properly distracting Zhao Yunlan from his thoughts. 

2) Can’t Just Wait With Lives At Stake (pre-Weilan, T, Shen Xi lives canon divergence)

After all, it would be a shame to be unable to draw his attention to Zhao Yunlan's mouth. 

3) Taken A Turn (Li Qian & Zhu Hong, G, vampire AU)

The moment those eyes turned away from him, he fled the windowless room, into the dark of the night.

4) No Man Left Behind (bg Weilan, Zhao Yunlan & Ye Zun, T, YOHE canon divergence)

Surely Ye-zun will be up for any prank to be pulled on his brother, truly the only blessing to come from his trip to the past.

5) this is how the war is won (Kunwei, E for smut, a/b/o YOHE au, alpha!Kunlun, omega!Shen Wei, Plot with Porn, WIP)

With a small smile gracing his lips, Shen Wei nodded off.

6) Larger Than Life (Da Qing & Fu You, G)

It was always good to remind his human why he should feed Da Qing more dried fish.

7) Shen Wei, Accidental Lesbian Whisperer (Shen Wei & Cheng Xinyan, Shen Wei & Zhang Ruonan, Shen Wei & Li Qian, T for themes, canon compliant)

She couldn't disappoint him now.

8) Turn Up The Heat (Weilan, Lanzun, pre-Weilanzun, E for smut, modern a/b/o, omega!Ye Zun, alpha!Shen Wei, beta!Zhao Yunlan)

"Together," he echoed, and Zhao Yunlan fell into a dreamless sleep with a smile on his face.

9) In The Middle Of The Night (pre-Weilan, Shen Wei & Li Qian, M for violence, vampire AU, casefic)

From the roof, red eyes watched unblinkingly as the car drove off.

10) Dark Stars, Burning Hearts (Weilan, T, time travel fix-it, ep 20 onward)

And the whole future is ahead of them, problems and promises and all.

Tagging in @itskaysno @ganglylimbs @sorcererinslytherin @shadeofazmeinya @sailorbryant @kahnah23 @sasamelons @fornhaus @crystalinn if you’d like to!

Things I noticed about my endings:

I have a tendency to end with one character thinking about another

red eyes are apparently a Must if it’s vampire au xD

people falling asleep with a smile on their face

generally, I’d say I end on an optimistic note, unless it’s vampire au, in which case the ending is all about building the background plot tension and emphasizing the ~mystique lol

but yeah, definitely a strong tendency towards ending on a relationship note, one way or another. and an outlook towards the future, hinting at what is to come next (and that it’s gonna be Happy; unless, again, vampire au, where it makes sense to ramp up the dun dun DUN vibe)

also you can’t tell WIPs apart from actual endings, which makes sense too -- Lesbian Whisperer is one-shots packaged into one collection by theme, so each story is self-contained. And my goal for tihtwiw was to end on a happy enough note that readers won’t mind the time it takes me to update again (although I didn’t foresee the last chapter fighting me for so long, I knew it was gonna be a hard nut to crack and I was too busy irl to write while posting the first four)

[eirenical]

For the fic meme: beyond the end of the story and #3, 5 and 11

:D Thank you, @elenothar! I'm glad you asked about this one, because it's one of my favorite things I've written lately. ^_^

[If anyone else would like to send asks, here are the questions!]

beyond the end of the story

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

OK, so this is less narration and more dialogue, but it's still my favorite bit of the entire fic, so here you go. ;D

"Lao Zhao, you're not listening. We tried to return it. We gave it back to An Bai. We watched him release it back into the sky… and then it was just gone."

"What do you mean 'gone?'"

"I mean 'gone!' The place is still lit up, but the Lantern is gone."

"Dead Cat, I swear if this is—"

"Lao Zhao, after the week you've had, do you really think I would pull this kind of a prank on you?"

A sigh. "No. No, I don't. But… fucking hell, how are we going to explain this without causing an inter-world incident?"

"I don't know, but that definitely sounds like a 'you' problem."

And honestly, I think it's mostly because the rest of the fic that came before it was SO stressful for like... the whole thing, and this part here was such a burst of relief to write, so it holds a special place in my heart. And if you haven't listened to @flamingwell 's podfic of this one... 1) it's amazing and you SHOULD and 2) their rendition of this section is HILARIOUS and still makes me laugh out loud. XD

5: What part was hardest to write?

I wrote this fic all in one sitting in practically a fugue state. XD So I honestly don't know how to answer that question. Like, I don't remember writing distinct parts of it at all? It just all poured out of me one night and then it was DONE and I felt hungover. XD

11: What do you like best about this fic?

Even though this was intended to be mostly Weilan, I LOVE the moments between Da Qing and Shen Wei. I love the way this situation brought their relationship front and center, because Da Qing was the only person who could reach Shen Wei to help him even a little. Because I am honestly a huge sucker for ANYTHING that does that. Because Shen Wei and Da Qing didn't really have time in the Guardian drama narrative to become proper friends, and they SHOULD HAVE HAD. So, yeah. Probably that. ^_^

And on a meta-narrative note, I also have to say that another favorite part of this fic was the AMAZING time I had tossing it back and forth with @treemaidengeek, who is an AMAZING beta. Just talking process and details and wording choices and medical things was a real treat, and I was almost sad when I said, "OK, I think that's it and it's ready to post," because I wanted to keep talking to her about fic stuff. So. Yeah. That, too. ^_^