#degree or not i dont have what it takes to remotely make it through life

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

[necrophilemagpie]

why this whole thing has such a grip on the brain

is the oc insert because i am obsessed in putting the dragon in situations? perhaps, but frankly

it's mostly about putting the trio in situations because the canon doesnt quite have anyone who'd provide the exact flavor of sheer identity crisis

[whoops this thing is way too long]

someone that is revealed to, before all of this, to have for a very long time simply kept on living in the human world anyway despite their inhumanity is arguably a description that doesn't... add up cleanly ideologically with how Hellsing operates, does it?

Though, funnily enough, 'ordinary human' doesn't apply cleanly to even any of the actual literal human major characters of the story except for maybe the wild geese.

There is a reason Pip has to give the speech about grieving the burning city and Sir Penwood had to make his strategically important sacrifice. The Iscariots dont read like normal people enough for something like this. Integra may be a sort of messy symbol for humanity narratively but the way the actual story treats her?

She's as much an outsider to humanity as the monsters are.

Been that way since that fateful day since she was 12, depending on how you imagine she was raised, maybe has always been to a degree.

Highly doubt Integra had much of a taste of normal human society. She's clearly not even remotely friendly with the other knights. Sure, she found Penwood amusing but i highly doubt they were in any capacity close. It doesn't appear the woman even Really leaves the manor outside of her job. We see her in civilian attire Once for fucks sake and it felt very 'what are normal people clothes again' to me personally. Walter and the vampires are realistically the only real close relationships she really ever had.

Seras too, has lived through something incredibly traumatic as a child and has been given no community or support, seen as at most a nuisanse. We do not get any mention of an adoptive family or other previous life to come back too, and its a context where in real life omission alone would be very telling.

Through that she has arguably too been robbed of being 'allowed' to be truly human long before she became a vampire. She was around people, sure, public school, foster care, what have you, but I somehow doubt a girl with severe ptsd would be understood much considering the time Hellsing is set in. If you're unwell as a kid you quickly learn just how conditional the care of strangers can be. Even if on paper they're meant to take care of you. She's kept up a mask of humanity with varying success but likely had known very little warmth a human life supposedly entails.

Alucard is strongly implied to believe that his humanity was torn away from him. He openly mourns it, but feels like he's been all but thrown into the grave of undeath by being forced to protect himself, and he's since only dug it so, so much deeper that he can scarcely see the sun anymore.

The very idea of being anything besides monstrous is very ludicrous to him, and he's so very jealous, of anyone who seems to have had even the slightest bit of a choice.

He was impatient and annoyed with how long it took Seras to accept her new nature because to him. It confused him to no end why Integra would never just make it official and admit her humanity was too incomplete to keep.

monsters are one way, humans are the other.

Humans have friends and family. They have homes to come back to, take care of each other, like many other animals they play and express individuality. They love, and love in uncomplicated, unconditional ways.

Monsters are inevitably alone. There isnt really a place for them to belong, they're solitary and must learn to enjoy it. Violence is, if not enjoyable, grimly necessary to a monster. A monster's attachment to others is a laborious, painful thing.

There is a clear line. You can't be both, you can't be one but keep some traits of the other.

But that's just one way of thinking, is it?

The dragon certainly starts out fitting so very neatly into the monster box. Glassy eyes, little priorities, truly alien relationship to the self. Their illness makes them appear like something that Should be dead. The way they seem to rationalize their situation comes off arguably even less human than even Alucard does.

And that would make sense! They weren't human for hundreds upon hundreds of years, in fact they were never human at all. There are some universal human experiences like how most acessible in modernity human food tastes or childhood they are fundamentally external to.

But as time goes on, as they realize that for the first time in the last few years, they're fine to stop running on empty and rest? As they find it safe enough to speak earnestly? The line gets increasingly blurry.

They start to talk of first sensible subjects like music and prose and history, but increasingly you'd find they're not simply 'making polite civilized conversation,' no. They've known some of the histories they speak of first hand, were friends with some of the writers mentioned even. They're intimately familiar with Making music, what goes into a play, and know a surprising amount about notably dated by now music production hardware and software. There's silly stories they have on hand to share.

Community to the degree Integra likely hadn't really ever known.

They've accepted certain few as siblings, they even apparently know how to take care of a child. They are currently the primary caretaker of their mysterious """benefactor's""" child because 'the woman might've wanted the kid but doesn't much care for raising one.' They genuinely care for the kid, and not Just because its someone else hurt by the same person. They seem to have Opinions on what's good for a child that seem to come from experience. It's not their first time around.

The culture to whom the human that caused them to exist belonged to? They still identify with it. Kept track of the family even, for actual hundreds of years they've been the distant relative that visits sometimes.

They seem to earnestly love the people they speak of and miss those no longer alive or who've they been unable to reach for the past nine years, which is most of them.

Family in a way Seras struggles to even imagine having.

Their illness, though something specific to nonhumans, is suddenly rather easy to recontextualize as a collection of individual rather human symptoms. Integra even has similar complaints about her joints. Their sometimes stilted speech isn't hard to accept as a mixture of something like neurodivergence and having modern english be about 5th language they learned. Humans do plenty of these same things with gender and sexuality too, thats nothing too special.

Even their suffering under the control of the woman in red, if you pay closer attention... starts looking a good bit more like plain old domestic abuse.

Yet they're very obviously Not a human, they say as much too.

The way they grieve is from a different angle, from one colored by hundreds of years of losing people, unable to forget even one. The way they love is similar, encasing every moment in amber of their eerily clear memory. They know too much historical context for every aspect of society to take much seriously, looking right for the outsiders of it for something truly interesting.

For fuck's sake, it's barely even blood what courses through their veins, even their internal anatomy is a touch off.

Somehow though, they lack Alucard's characteristic violent self hatred about it. Even in their current situation, having the very 'justification' for their abuse be that they're not human, they are very firm in the fact that being a dragon IS a cornerstone of their identity, that its not something that can be removed or altered, they wouldn't particularly want to be a human, and they're not worse off for it, they just Are who they are.

At peace with their belonging outside of humanity. Something Alucard swore to never be as much as complacent with.

They dont come in trying to challenge anything particularly, they just happen to be the kind of person the trio's worldview hadn't truly been tested against.

If any luck, maybe it'd get them to give some much needed attention to their own traits that have never quite fit the ideology either.

You know.

The real reason Integra had long known she wants Hellsing to cease to exist, at least in the way it does now.

Besides, it's kind of pointless rummaging through the shadows searching for boogeymen when monstrous humans are just as real.

"the woman in red" as the dragon calls her, may just be one.

[lunasootsprite]

I dont use this blog but I will probably starting tomorrow.

Anyways right now I just need to speak I guess. I think people see me as an Idiot. My father especially. Today my car got towed while visiting a friend and I assumed it did bc apartment complexes do that all the time and I got outside to leave and my car was gone. I was horrified and I think in shock to the point where I was very calm

I didn’t know how to handle it but my friends told me it probably got towed, they would call and get me the number so we could get it sorted. So I catch a ride home from them and I tell my dad. He’s asking me why I didn’t call him first and wondering why i think it was towed. He asks where I parked and where I was near and then just assumes it was stolen. He’s getting angry asking why there is no haste in my voice and why I seem so calm. We drive back and as we get there I he makes me take a picture of the towing sign. Driving back he asks me questions about basic things that I had explained earlier and on the way over I mentioned that if for some reason we needed the keys I didn’t have them bc i left them in my room. This confuses him and he asks me to clarify. I do and as I finish I say “ Did you think I left them at the apartment and thats why I didn’t drive home? “ He says yes. I then follow up with I feel like you take me for a complete fucking idiot. He doesn’t deny it instead going well you said didn’t have the keys so i didn’t know what that meant.

He doesn’t see me as smart or an adult or even remotely successful in any aspect of my life. I don’t see myself as an adult either but having other people see you as what is essentially an overgrown 12 year old is not the same as flawed perception. I don’t feel like an adult at all. But that confirms it i guess, he doesn’t see me as one either. I dont think any of relatives do, in fact I think they see some piece of useless shit who has chosen not to grow up. Thats not who I am, im trying but when you come from a family that refuses or just will not help you when you need it in the name of teaching you some existential long term lifelong lesson then yeah you tend to do the easy stuff forever bc the hard stuff has to be done by yourself and no one else effectively increasing the difficulty. They don’t understand why I try to do everything myself but its because if I ask for help I wont get it. Ive tried multiple times over and the people around me refuse to. They claim they do not and that they have never done anything like that but I fucking remember. The other day my father stated that he never spanked or laid a hand on me as a kid. Thats bullshit because I remember being told I was going to be spanked with a belt and i remember being spanked with it. He swears he never did though. Everything I remember is written off as a lie and everything he says is supposedly right. I know its not but even just now I wondered for a split second if those memories were real. That scares me.

I want to attempt moving but it needs to be far and it needs to be permanent. It scares me though. I don’t have many friends and the few I do have live here. Im trying getting out but I haven’t been many places yet because i’ve been busy or i’m just a little to scared to drive there. I have to keep trying though. And Ill try online too because It might be easier there. Im scared and it’ll take time and a lot of money but I also don’t want to run from getting my degree. I can get my bachelors I know it. My associates is in reach just one more semester and my bachelors just 2 years after. Im so close but I don’t know if I can stand it. I have no privacy, no confidence, no ability to try and be on my own. Everything I do is heard or seen or intruded on by them. Its awful and I don’t want to live like this anymore. For too long I haven’t been able to be myself and to this day I still can’t. Small amounts have been able to shine through but not my full self. The small amounts have helped but i think after 22 years wanting to be who you really are is a pretty small ask.

i didnt want to start this blog this way. Its not interesting nor is it necessary but I needed a quiet place to clear my mind and no one knows about this account so it worked out just fine. I would tell some of my friends but I dont want to burden them and the one I would tell wouldn’t side with me. Her parents have done everything for her, her entire life and shes only had to deal with small things. Very few big things. She has support that Ive never had and so she sees the world much differently than me. She would say that well I should have called him first and that I should have double and triple checked where I parked to ensure that didnt happen. I think she would at least. But i’m new to driving and I didn’t know, plus her old apartment didn’t have dedicated visitor parking. I digress though as it doesn’t matter in the end I guess.

Im a disappointment I know I am. I have anime girls over everything I own practically and I sleep with body pillows. I know that my hours spent gaming are not productive but they make me happy and comfortable which is something that hasn’t happened in a while for me. They have always been my passion and hobby and interest. That will never change and I will continue enjoy them and dedicate time and money to them. For some however this makes me a failure of a human being and they begin to grow disappointed in me and what ive become. Too bad I guess. I do my best to love a healthy life and incorporate the things i love but some would rather see me ditch them to live the way they want. I dont want that though. Ive never been allowed to indulge in my hobbies or pursue my interests and now that I can i’m not stopping. I want to do so in peace and around people who I can enjoy them with.

There’s just no one like that here, so I want to run. I want to be as far away as possible and drop contact completely. They had years to try and be caring and understanding. To get to know their own kid to get to know their grandkid in a way that was meaningful and not just oh he likes some anime or something I dont know. Take the time to actually listen when I try to explain whats wrong or why Im mad or sad or just listen in general. But they don’t and i’ve tried too many times. I can be as calm and rational as can be or emotionally unstable but nothing makes it better. They just don’t listen and they don’t listen because they don’t care. They never have because if they did they would attempt they would try they would do their best to understand but they don’t. They tell me well that doesn’t make sense or well i don’t get it and then continue with so i don’t get why you feel that way. I dont either man! Emotions are fucking abstract and I cant always pinpoint why I am a certain way and I explain that im not sure but you demand an answer and I don’t give one because there isnt one and we fight. It sucks and im tired of it. So im gonna leave not now but sometime. Mark my words, i have been getting better and more confident in myself but there is still work that needs to be done and I will begin taking steps to do it. My life should have started years ago but I guess it starts now

Im sorry this is such an emotional and pretty personal post for this blogs first post but I needed a sanctuary and Ive returned to an old one I created. I think i need time to myself for the week. Ill be here and in my own discord server but I don’t want to interact with anyone for a while. If you read my melodramatic post in full thank you I really appreciate it. Its nice to be heard out even when you are just spouting all this information and not making it easy to follow along. Ill be posting art here and my thoughts about whats happening in life and my interests. Hopefully this blog becomes a sanctuary for others as well.

- :3 Josh/Lilith

[theuniversemumbles]

I am so able and ready to blow my top off. Male fragility compared to womens anger. Being with a partner who has fully understood the everday racism of being black, just because of his skin color. He's been more than a bystander, hes been an advocate. He stood up for all and shown so much light in the most beautiful way for his ancestory. I struggle with his lack of understanding that women have gone through some type of unfair struggle. I feel like he knows black history, but he's never studied womens histroy. It pains me in more ways that a man, a black man, can still skirt through these times understanding oppersion, in more ways than just the definition, and over look their female partners. Womens slavery is still alive today. I've had to beg my partner to clean the toilet in our home, to vacuum, clean the sheets. More than that. Our home, we both take part of, I've had to ask to the point of me asking in a way thats not pleaseant. And now I'm the angry one. Now I'm the one the one thats acting out of pleasant character. My blow ups are the problem. Not the one million times I've asked for something. Now my anger behavior is the reason we have issues. I've developed a anger management problem. I'm mad because he doesn't understand the difference in life, our difference in journeys. I'm younger than him, in less debt, and have been living on my complete own. He failed out of college when his mom was willing to pay for it. I dont think he will ever understand how much I wanted that when I was a teenager, just to have a parent that would do that. And he failed out. Then he had to do it on his own and now hes in debt. Working a job that I make more an hour (not full time). But like damn. It pains me to think of where I would have been now with a degree. I would have never slept a second. All I've ever wanted is to be successful. Ive always said if I could go back and re-do anything in my life, it would have always been, and still to this day, will always be to put my brother in a better position. I AM ANGRY. THAT MY PARTNER DOES NOT LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US. OUR UPBRINGINGS. I feel like he thinks his dad being not a good dad is relatable to my dad raping my brother and I. Both my parents being drug addicts. Me only having my brother and my mom, compared to his 20+ family members as the same. It makes me mad. It makes me mad that he can sit at home all day at his remote job, in between playing video games, and still expect me to do the deep cleaning and cooking of our home. I AM ANGRY. At the society dillilusion for the past 7 years of my being white passing, even though I've had to grow up through my linages cumbersome challenges that ended up with my family having no food in the home. I am angry that I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm angry that I've built this life up with food in the kitchen, furniture to sit on, a place unashamed to have people over and my partner sees this as a normal. This is not normal to me. This is a palace. That I've built through grease and grime. I am angry beacuse of the difference of him and I. He will never understand what it means to truly live without food. He will never understand what life is without a backup plan. He and I are different. And I am angry because I get shit all the time about not being black enough, but I have to live through the poverty of my father not being white enough.

[iamtheempress]

A Vegeta x OC Fanfiction (part 5) ¤ ¤ ¤

With this holo map lain out in front of them it was time to plan a first attack. A city not 70 miles away was perfect. 

"You remember what i told you right?" Vegeta asks first, exiting the ship, and moving hair from his face. "Yes Vegeta. When does the moon rise?" He beeps the scouter on his face and looks to the ominous twilight sky. "About 3 hours. I wouldn’t suggest you look to the moon seeing as though you haven't changed into a Great Ape yet.. hideous being but it does its job and it does it well." He comments closing up the holo map and strides right past her

 “Cant wait to actually see it!” Vegeta chuckles “That’s depending on the  and crosses his arms over his chest looking at the slightly shorter Saiyan with an uncurled tail. Excited. Ready for action. Her blood was already pumping!

"We go there. Clear the area. Scout for food or signs of lifeforms and return back. This planet is enormous so i don't see this being a problem for you. As long as you follow my orders." His tone of voice really started to grate her nerves… “Lighten up Vegeta! Were going to be fine! I promise ill listen to you.” She punched his shoulder making him look back at her with an almost annoyed look on his face. It really made her feel a little wary, then she did beforehand.. if that were even feasibly possible..

 "Do you plan on turning into your Great Ape form yet?" He rolled his eyes and squinted a bit, deep in thought, taking in some fresh air before doing anything yet. “You'll see.” He watched her tail winding around her tight waist as she adjusted the suit to fit her more comfortably.  Vegeta scoffed. "Can't believe they made you wear that here…" he grumbled beneath his breath tightening his fist as he blasted from the entryway of the ship. Calamatta followed close behind after closing up shop.

It was now that she noticed the way the sun shone through the atmosphere made it perpetually twilight, it was beautiful and picturesque scenery of a brand new landscape giving way to rolling hills and mountains that looked untouched by anything even closely resembling a bipedal intelligent lifeform. A herd of animals ran beneath them as they made their way to this dystopian cityscape, shrouded in fog and lit up in a bright light.

SHe wondered to herself if this is the type of scenery they would see before terraforming a planet, it was romantic even in a sick and twisted sort of way.

The city came into focus and the time was nigh. To lay waste and do a job. Lives, alive or dead….or otherwise meant nothing. Vegeta landed in a city center. Void of life and anything at all. Overturned vehicles and blown out buildings stretched the alien metropolis. Vegeta turned to Calamatta and nodded.

 "Do the honors, Calamatta.. if we get no action soon ill fall asleep standing up." He told her as he crossed his arms and stood close to her.

The small Saiyan smirked and flicked her wrist pointing up at the sky blowing out the city surrounding them in a hellscape beyond measure. This eruption caused the city to crumble into cinders beneath their feet. Flattening it to molten slag… the hiss of the hot ash settling on the ground earned her a slow clap from Vegeta. "Well done." 

"Learned from the best." She bumped him with her hip, playfully. 

All playfulness flew out the window when she locked eyes with the prince staring out at his scouter, beeping rapidly. 

She looked in that direction and saw 6 lanky arms protruding out of the ground and pulling out a large bipedal creature.. mold colored and large eyes staring back at them opened its maw and croaked like a frog. "Oh hell…" Vegeta cursed and shot up into the air out of reach as it lunged like a spider  to Calamatta earning a loud shriek from the saiyan and a panicked ki beam to the face blowing it to meaty chunky smithereens.  Laying the field with snapped bones and limbs. 

"What the hell was that???" She screamed up at Vegeta pointing at what's left of that thing. "Get the hell off the ground and up here before more come! They croak as a way to communicate!" She gasped and started to fly off the ground. Only to be grabbed by skeletal arms beneath her. Gripping her ankle and leg pulling her hard to the ground beneath, Vegetas look of blind shock was brief but he managed to slice these skeletal hands away as quickly as they clamped onto her meaty thigh. The 7 finger like appendages wrapped fully around her ankle and thigh causing a bruise to take its place. "This is worse then i imagined.. we cant remain on the ground! Stay up here woman i dont need you dying already!" He shouted and two more of those things came from behind a scalded rock, Burnt and mangled but still charging for them.

They ascended further and watched them leap aggressively for their legs. The two Saiyans look at eachother and blast these mindless monsters to smithereens. Their entire bodies turning to ash and flying away in the wind. “Those… are the inhabitants?” “What's left of them.. They’re zombified. Its that virus that took them over and reanimated them.” Vegeta warns turning to the perplexed female saiyan, she simply gulped and met the princes eyes.

 “We wont be reaching any form of diplomacy.. Were only going to have to take them out the old fashioned way…” He growls and cracks his knuckles, his scouter beeps and a small smirk spreads on his face.

 “The moon is almost up and I'm becoming already impatient.” He turns directly to her and places a hand on his hip, puffing his chest up. “We need to speed up this extinction event abit. Don't get in my way and watch your prince in action..” With that he blasts in a direction opposite her, she whips around and shouts after him “Hey!” She charges in the direction of the prince, keeping distance and just all over confused, miles upon miles later Vegeta comes to an incredibly large city. A grin growing on his face when he lands upon the highest building, “Calamatta!” He calls out to her though the scouters mic, she looks to the prince silhouetted against the rising moon and questions out of complete confusion and frustration. 

“Vegeta what the hell are you upto! Didnt you just give me the third degree about 3 hours ago about doing anything drastic..?” She nags in his com, only earning a bark of laughter. 

“Silly woman! You are not yet skilled enough to control your Great Ape form! It would be absolutely idiodic of you to do that! So do yourself a favor and relax and watch the best of your race in action.” He barked harshly at her, his words started to sting more and more and goddamn did she hate it. She crossed her arms and kept her distance as Vegeta turned his entire head to the sky and drank in the power of the full moon beaming down upon him. Igniting the great Oozaru that dwells inside of him like a match in a house full of open gas tanks.

He cranes his head back and roars loudly his entire body morphing from his original height into a massive ape. Calamatta was impressed.. terrified even, by the sheer magnitude of an untamable beast.

Upon hearing his roar of the Saiyan Prince made Great Ape came a cacophony of croaks rapidly approaching and thunderously loud approaching of feet, scuttling rapidly. The Ape turned his head and looked upon the small Saiyan pointing a thumb to himself. “Observe, Woman.” Vegeta boasted and turned back to the city scape back handing the sky scraper over, crushing smaller buildings beneath his boot. Devastating crush for smash the buildings came down and these creatures were being crushed like bugs. Scaling his boots only sealed their fates when he would kick buildings. His maw would open and a beam of chi would explode forth devastating everything within its path. He looked like he was having the time of his life. Leveling city block for sky scraper with a thwip of his tail. 

Everything seemed so simple. Like these creatures only needed the touch of some Saiyans to get the job done. With this thought came that cocky demeanor yet again. Calamatta lowered herself to the roof top of a lower building and marveled at the Saiyan princes destructive wake. His roar enraptured her and made her feel alive… Something small within her that made her start to see what being a Saiyan meant. She hoped she could be exactly like him. Maybe stronger. She considered herself just as strong but didnt fully grasp the sheer magnitude of power she has within her little Saiyan body.

Unbeknownst to her and Vegeta she was being crept upon by an even larger zombie, a loud croak spooked her from her  seated position and she was grasped tightly by this creature around her waist. A shout comes from her throat as she fires a beam of ki into his face only angering it as it smashes her against the side of a building, gaining Vegeta’s attention. He snarls and took one solid leap into the air to come down hard onto its back arms and dead legs. 

“Goddammit you cant stay out of trouble cant you?” He snarls at her as he snaps the arm holding onto her like a pencil in his hands. With his free hand he grabs the croaking monster by the face and crushes it hard in his grip, holding the caged saiyan in his other hand. Giving her full attention with a disappointed face. “C-Can you get me out.” She asked him struggling to pull the fingers from her torso and leg. “Youll only cause more trouble if i do so i will keep you like this till we return back to base.” His booming voice reverberated sounding more and more condescending by the second. 

Calamatta pouted and retorted “This isnt remotely fair!” Vegeta snapped, tired of being back talked. “Its not fair i have to watch over you like an unruly infant so remain still in my hand or ill leave you to die and I will do this goddamned planet on my own!” His teeth bare and foam spills forth from his teeth. The prince is fuming, if his bright red eyes had blood vessels they would have been long burst now. 

Calamatta had heard enough. That one sentence struck a chord in her. It stabbed her right to the core. Vegeta just stared at her merciless in his words. He meant that. She knew it. Theres no question.. She took a breath and nodded, only to earn a single growl and a flash of his canines, as he turned back to the city to continue his onslaught. 

Over 3 hours and the city was leveled entirely. Vegeta had been quiet as well as Calamatta. Her eyes remained fixed upon Vegeta as he finishes his onslaught. 

Not a croak for miles. Not a peep from Calamatta’s pretty lips. “Hear that Calamatta…” 

He says flatly in his godlike deep voice. She listens to the wind and raises a brow confused “No i dont hear any-” “Exactly… Silence. Sweet silence… Now i would like to hear it the entire trip back… and ill release you.” “B-But Vegeta!” “Not a word from you.. This is your punishment for being caught, woman.” She goes quiet and slumps into his hand. “Fine…” Her voice cracks and keeps her head turned away from him Quiet. Solemn. Forfeit…

¤ ¤ ¤

Tags: @memevember @dragonblobz @lizardhipsdontlie @nikabriefs @gonuclear @msgreenverse @fallen--lilith @lilhemmo @supremeleadershitlord @thotful-writing @dragonball-hcs-or-sum-shit @solidsock @jimbobslurpnchug

[triumphorce]

under umbras of bundles  of stars,

canopies of leaves & branches that shatter-scatter sky image held indirect

as a gleam in eyes

as conscious lay in fabricated gardens watching memories, & desires in dream form

from across highway covered by

blue-white, 

yellow,

& orange lights

sound of tires, mufflers, sirens, 

amidst a higher sense 

attuned to

muffled far cries muffled while crossing empty lands

filled with chilling wind howls, stealing hope, 

which

kickstarts the power on survival mode..

ups& downs 

drown the cries further,

that

war, warn, or cheer..

or just sing..

maybe

a hymn made by souls for souls under same umbra to set free to lead to wonder & beauty beyond the surface of senses directly to free to seek love loss between me and me

buried beneath  road of longest journey to reach

turn feet all around

all about a world I have no idea about

just mad ideas about Kept in journals i turn over

to all but from in front of views not yet exploited by value of which is, views are power,  & are the will in word- to-page transaction

self diminished to substantiate

entries from entrails, not shown to be conquered

win or lose is how I never saw things.

win or win, only optionss, only progress..

yet..,always over complicating;

marathon sprints from start to finish

as I choose, If i choose, to continue to choose to overlook slopes in existence, where hides I, in ruins, digging for recognition

contribute to a mind overloading with what I know I owe society, &me,

burden of see-through beast, I see illusions of future thru,mistaken as truth, play victim, get stressed or believe I'm down on luck ,in dumps of depression and slum of beliefs,

 in a slump with headphones on temple and music up, reminisce about the golden olden, me and broseph, SSB, PSO, kanto, johto, cartoon cartoons, many one saturday morning’s, plenty cinnamon toast, fruity pebbles, so many card games at Books-a-million

but when I open eyes from trance

I'm forever face to face with today is today

not then not later...

just

 changes who changed how I changed regret and anger to compensate for blaming everybody but me

now I stare afraid at dilemmas mass effect decisions

 daily in-and-out-terventions

to keep from falling back into resentment.. spite blinding shelves of subconscious-self- disappointed perpetuating judgment of others binding progression, tying tongue, boiling blood because old habits die hard and I continue fucking up, up raging rapids w/o a paddle,   almost 3 decades of failing infinite (according to projections) feel I missed and am missing out on so much, so much world, so many words coiled inside, waiting to explode,

all the time, just like everybody.. everything mind sets sights on turns to target issue     how unfortunate for aforementioned coordinates, for anyone close enough for me to put in poems' , important enough to torment conscious over, used to be everybody, used to be nobody, used to be just some people, now its just me and i dont know him

   attempts to speak, to learn again, to teach me about me       to learn to teach                     myself, to set example for ambition directed toward a better version, better verses, better reimbursement of time given tryna be an extrovert, free from bitter, free from bitch asses, set internal standards to never  get fucked with again, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, i only fucks with a journal & question  everyone,  everything, every word, every whisper, shit ima tell my children every day, breakfast lunch dinner,  do your best and fuck the rest, get it, get lit off enlightenment, fuck rest, save roosting for death, dont look at me, looknat the sky, seize the day in everyway brain permits, dont reach for others' and if anyone tries to take yours, that means they dont fundamentally respect life, so always permeate passion, ignore distractions keeping you from creating, test limits, test intentions, challenge imperfections with wisdom, know that perfect is just cosmetics, but i remain quiet.. remain tied up being alone, wondering..           whether I'm right to do any god damn thing        'cause if I don't do it right..       was I right to think I could, wrong to think I understood

am i wrong not to try?

what of what's sacrificed ?

how do i keep count

how did I end up here       in standby...

standing squeamish & deer eyed in light of opportunities rising in horizon of night skies, to step in to obtain warmth, maintain from days before, to do something, do the one thing, but when will I be ready will eyes be ready to comprehend right or wrong

only me, here. only us, on planet.

only who's responsible? how is who is affected by, afflicted by? when is too late? when is just right, always too soon to tell and.. if I don't do it now, then why expect change..

why, why, why

'cause I expect anything at all

anger toward unmanned vehicles imminent to collide with mine

driven mad up eighty-five degree angled walls during rush hour, sun beaming heat into ride, where i travel on path, thru battlefield of past where fallen intentions decompose to ignorance and wisdom sprouts in the mean time.. I'm in between times, feelin down, down down down down by the way

a trail thru fears past dead ends, rotting trees, looks like fallout hit

a past I try an' forget..

but remember out of reluctance 

to accidentally revisit regret,

stand next to biggest fears,  see if facing them uproots soul

rolls ideas in head, non-stop

like trolls troll under bridges 

to which billy goat gruff temper charges like crono's katana on zenan crossing,

lodes of odes to oaths, lightning loaded, aimed at negative minded sapiens bioshocks via rhythm and syntax, cryo cascades of ideas, locked away in moleskine or computer files to put to rest the rest of an inside in arrest to judgment, in side quest of public playthrough, i feel im on public display, static complaining in front of pretty much strangers   modes of awareness to mental problems i exploit to people who might not think im crazy, who might like what i write, might like to write about the same thing, might see giants in those same nodes i stand near, i hear crisp crackles filling an awkward air as i stare at words on sheets that i might tear, might let collect dust, or share prolly might be quiet, only sound is poetic drafts that fill in under open windows, I open slowly, cool rush, goosebumps, awake aware always, even when mind is a crinkled, crumbled candy wrapper still just construct wrinkles in time via           hairs stand, ovation, and encores to

     helping to cross over doubts, screams of slander, stop it all, right now, shed truth in another light, fed through veins like pen's ink to go over and correct vision of pinheads vane turnin art, free thought to cash and competition, trade purpose blow for blow with obstacles in the name of the next step, over opponents, trade nervous for nerves robust to withstand standing up to stretch and spread chest to stand up for work where time invested is braided circulation    goin in circles,        time wasted pet peeve number 1

    a nowhere never felt before        but something seems familiar.. overlooked,   under yards, under pressure of bone leverage, give life a lift thru cracks of a collapsing effort stretched behind chest and ribs

a heart glows in

hot coal hues hearth warmth under carbon sheets

till blood boils till steam coils from pores to kill the cold along roads

sun or none

no light above, isn't lack of.. 

(look inside)

----

harsh heat of reality hot enough to feel cold

make me go ghost in dark times..

friction strong enough to spark moist..

continue until i sear nerves disembody fromm pain till im felt by meta-form of others

heartfelt arcs between soul and soul-mind 2 mind

light releases thru iris folds spectacle in spectacles----

spectrum wheel of emotions spins &spins to  understand self an urge that intensifies the more  i live life as well as I can Improve every day, no excuse, don't ignore the corners, get behind my ears,every nook and cranny in creative muse-um, uhm, duh, raised on books, nintendo, animation,& wishbone, outside, only myself as playdate, use every square inch as play-scape under every hair in head, a mind uses face and body as way to create 4 fourever& vice versa to escape who ever & know I can do whenever, wherever

wherever i go, a voice in mind goes

that keeps on talkin , keeps me talkin tellin me I've talk--, wrote enough hoped enough to last a lifetime, but that's not enough

and I still got a lifetime

to either solidify or fuck it up

gradually let go of 

to concentrate on life's finest moments i build to build form in appreciation, saying get up, enjoy the sun rays breaching clouds just before dawn; gett off yo butt and do what you know what you taught you to do when you were at multiple low points and you promised you, you'd never fall to end, even if you fall again, again, and again, never stall in the middle of  takeoff stop in middle of road, cant press play if you lost remote, might as well get up and do it, crawl, run or walk away when the times calls to brawl dark-inner energy only honorable mentions defend health during dishonorable discharge of nega, into rivers, into blue sky.. bordered by white clouds and linear silver

a safe place, work space, desk clerk sifting day to day thru file cabinets memories in memos in notebook; written relativity explaining how I see, what I think say what i want like im eight, glad i spent so much time with words and space-bars,   to escape judgment, hatred,

anxious surrounded by bad vibes

above an Earth, below expectations; over a self under surveillance by approval from inside, crazy dimensions, On the fence between people and myself I close eyes, ride waves of nostalgia once more..

see plenty light to traverse pathways, walk fer hours, walk like back in younger days, playin, runnin, completely captivated immersed in games played, tv, roller blades, monopoly, scary stories, trampolines

&10thousand songs later, 10million thoughts later, here I am doing what I made me to.

can't wait for the next chance

supplied energy through lines to hidden gracelands.

[fredenglish]

Hello, #FeatureFriday friends! It’s been a while, but we’re back for an interview with Iclal Vanwesenbeeck: English professor, translator, and world traveler! We talked to her about her time with the department, how her experiences around the world have affected her, and the study abroad program to Iceland that she’s gearing up for. (Admissions are still open!)

1) What do you think the most rewarding part of your time as a professor at SUNY Fredonia has been?

My students. I’ve gotten to know so many beautiful minds. I’ve had the privilege of mentoring students. That’s been the most rewarding part of my life teaching here or anywhere. And I think they have helped me as much as I’ve helped them! 

I have a sense of what I want to teach that semester but it just so happens that the minute you step foot in the classroom, and you see in front of you people with emotions and thoughts and hopes and ideas,  you have to be open-minded and compassionate. And I think in some ways I find my teaching rewarding because I never compromise that. I was always someone who took an interest in students’ wellbeing, who was curious about what they thought, and never tyrannical about “Oh, I’m going to teach you this!” And now, ten years, twelve years later, I still have students who contact me, drive up to have coffee with me, invite me to their weddings. I’m happy!

2) Which of the courses that you have taught do you think students connected the most with? Which do you think you connect the most with?

My favorite subjects to teach are war and love. And I have to say, even though I sometimes hesitate teaching it, love and war in the context of Middle Eastern literature has been an intriguing experience for me as much as it has been for the students. I’ve done some interesting work where, for example, I had US veterans, US veteran writers visit my class. And we read about the Iraq War from the perspective of Iraqis, refugees. And I have to say, in the classes I teach, I have students that have those eureka moments, but never so much as in Middle Eastern lit. Because it’s a generational thing, they’ve grown up with an image of the Middle East. They’ve heard about the Iraq War, they have family members who have fought or  deployed. And it’s been a part of their lives. But for some reason I think, for more than half of my students, that hadn’t been rendered visible. Just how much the Middle East has been a part of their lives, in the post-Cold War era.

So, to render that, to make that appear to students and to ask them to echo an ongoing discourse, and invite them to be a part of the dialogue? That has been intriguing for me. And I applied some of what I do in love, romance literature, and taught exclusively love stories from Middle Eastern lit in order to de-center this idea that Middle Eastern people don’t love, don’t laugh.

That’s a very wordy way of saying: war and love. War stories and love stories.

3) What advice do you have for prospective and/or current English students?

Let’s see… [Pause] I’m not good at giving advice! But I would say to be open minded. Everyone already has something they want to study and yet I see college as an opportunity to also reach out to distant shores. So maybe learn a new language, maybe they want to study literature at Oxford for a year. Aim high, and be idealistic.

4) A big potion of your work as an academic revolves around the translation of historical works. What do you think brought you to have such an interest in translation?

Oh, thank you for that question! Um, personal reasons. And curiosity. And also, my belief in peace, and peacemaking. The reason why I translate the works of some of the American veteran writers, for example, is because I want them to be read in other languages, I want their stories to be told in other languages. Because we need that polyphony to understand war. And it is, I believe, only possible through translation otherwise you have that barrier, since you can’t be face-to-face all the time with everybody who has experienced war. Those stories have to migrate. And I don’t think there’s any other way besides translation.

As I migrate between languages and I travel, sometimes I feel homesick for my native tongue. And that makes me want to sit down and translate, to use that vocabulary. Sometimes I just spend an hour looking through a dictionary, just to see if I will catch a word that I would like to remember. That is important in life, and… [Pause] it helps me. 

5) You’ve travelled quite a bit throughout your life. How do you think your experience of travel has affected you as both a person and as an academic?

I was born in Turkey, and I was raised in Turkey. And I came to the US for my graduate degree program. And I stayed here. And in the meantime, yes, I travel often. And it so happens that my life is an intersection of three cultures and three countries and three languages: Belgium, Turkey, and the United States.

So being in Belgium, or in Ghana, or in Russia or in Iceland… I don’t see those countries as entities with borders that then determine how I should act or interact with people. When I travel, I like connecting with people and landscapes. That’s what I’m interested in the most when I travel.

But I also want to refer back to a Renaissance philosopher that I adore, Montaigne. Something he wrote, has always stuck with me: “The very act of rubbing your head against the head of others.” That you become wise as you travel. I’ve seen in the past that that is not true for all people; in fact, a critical mass of people that I see when I travel are only interested in living somebody else’s Instagram page. They want the same pictures, the same selfies, the same food. 

But for me? It has almost become a lifestyle. And I don’t see how I could give it up.

6) You’re the faculty leader of the Iceland study program. What is it about Iceland that you think makes it such a good location to study abroad?

Iceland is a sub-arctic island. It is quite remote from many locations. It is a country of 350,000 people, most people live around the capital city, so the island is not homogeneously populated. To me, it is a country that brings together modernity and tradition. In terms of landscape, it brings together  extreme urban architecture and beautiful pastoral scenery. On one hand, it has these most progressive laws towards the LGBT+ community and pay equality. On the other hand, it has a committee for baby names. Certain names aren’t allowed for babies. It’s a country that doesn’t have, from what I can say from my own research, a single stolen item in their museums. Not a single item that’s been questionably curated or smuggled. And in terms of problem-solving, and democracy, and lifestyles, it is a country that can help students do comparative analyses. 

In terms of environmental issues, in terms of equality, we have, I think, a subset of global issues that we face. If you go to Bangladesh, you will see them dealing with water pollution. In Flint, Michigan, they deal with water pollution. So we have a subset of global issues anyway. But everybody seems to find different solutions to these problems. And it seems to me that Iceland, maybe because they are a small country, maybe because of the way that their democracy and politics work, maybe because of the culture, their decision making and their problem-solving may help students analyze their own. It’s for that reason that I think that Iceland is a near-perfect place for the students to go to tackle the issues that they have studied in the classroom, and heard about for all of their young adult lives.

One example: my generation did not read about glaciers in the newspaper every two days. Your generation, almost every week there is news about glaciers. They’ve become a part of our political and environmental issues. And we have a glacier hike on the Iceland trip for students — with very responsible behavior [towards environmental impact] — to see the glacier, and understand their life cycle, and what they mean for the planet, and understand that when glaciers melt in the Arctic, we feel it in the Mediterranean. Our world, as Jacques Cousteau said: “Everything is connected.” To get these insights, you have to travel. You have to develop perspective.

For aesthetic reasons, too, Iceland is a special place to study. It’s a breathtaking country. Arresting scenery. Captivating. If you have a poet or a painter in you, it comes out in Iceland. You cannot be indifferent to the Icelandic landscape. And every time we go, from the moment we get on the airport bus, to the second we depart, students are captivated.

7) Finally: what would you say is the most important lesson that literature can teach us?

[Long pause] It hasn’t taught me any lessons. Because, then we have to see literature as almost being didactic all the time. I had questions. And literature has helped me understand my own questions and listen to how others have asked similar questions. You may not feel like you need to read in your twenties, but I bet in your fifties you will feel that urge to read. For anybody who wants to understand existence, it’s there for you.  It takes away your loneliness. It hears your questions, and it gives you more questions. For anybody who wants to understand existence, it’s there for you.

[This interview has been edited and condensed for length, with input from the subject]

[deeeelightfuldee]

What made you happy in the last 24 hours? hmm. uhhh getting to hear voicemails was great for the most part. ummmm whats really weird is not much. i’m almost always a long list full of why im happy but it wasn’t a particularly good 24 hours.

What was the last book you read? I never recall names of books.

What was the most fun thing you did in the last 24 hours? sleep. or this right now, surveys while under a mound of blankets and a good show on. 

Have you done anything adventurous lately? i went out in 7 degree weather to run errands for the family that i def. wasn’t feeling up to. Had to sit in the car for 28 minutes waiting for it to warm up cus we dont have remote start and mom lost the 2nd key. then each of my errands required the use of the window, which OF COURSE was frozen and wouldn’t go down. so I had to get out and coax the window to work. it was a bit of an adventure start to finish

What was the last thing you regretted doing (or not doing)? uhhh probably not taking a lactaid when i should have a few days ago.

What was the most delicious food you ate in the last 24 hours? the freakin food K sent me last night was BOMB. 

Do you like the way your hair looks right now? it looks horrible but its under my hat and its also in a braid so its wuteva. 

Do you think it rains too much where you live? I wish it rained more. 

What color is your laptop? silver

Is your computer slow? Is it having problems? It’s not slow at all. i freakin’ love this laptop its by far one of my favorite presents i’ve ever been given.

Do you worry a lot, or do you live carefree? I am a very low-worrier naturally. 

Do you have a Bible that’s falling apart? haha yes. its very worn -- which makes me happy. 

What did the last pair of earrings you wore look like? big gold hoops.

What is the next fun thing you are planning to do? uhhh probably going out on a date.

Do you suffer from chronic pain? oh yes. lupus & chronic fatigue syndrome

What was the last thing you did outside? I had to run errands for mom and gram in this bitter cold

Do you need to clean your room? just my dresser. i seriously don’t feel well and its driving me nuts that its covered. I just wanna have someone come help me where i can be like hi can you put this here, and that there.

Have you ever read the Bible all the way through? yep yep

What color is your laptop? silverrrrr why are we repeating this

Do you collect mason jars? i do not. not my thing.

What was the last thing you decorated? the house. Gotta tear it all down but thats an overwhelming thought physically.

What’s on your floor? my humidifer... a box of thread i’m organizing.

What was the last piece of candy you ate? m&m’s. I asked mom to buy me chocolate last time she went to the store and she forgot :(

Are you wearing shorts right now? no surprisingly.

Who was your first best friend? either brittany or nea&gwen

Who was/is your last or current best friend? em

Do you have a best friend currently? yea

Are you lonely? i am a little bit. thats kinda crazy of me cus theres no need for that. but i guess i am.

Have you spent most of your life lonely? no.

Did you answer your phone in the last 24 hours? ummmmmmm nope. i ignored a couple calls.

What’s your favorite magazine to read? hmmmm. i miss almost all magazines. 

What color is the sky right now? I imagine dark.

Do you like the name Skye? i automatically think of paw patrol

Do you want to have kids? I do want to.

When was the last time you ate taffy? gosh a long time. not my thing. 

Name three toppings you like on a salad. bacon. egg. cruton.

Do you like pineapple? yup

Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? europe

Do you know anyone who travels all the time? yes

Do you think it’s selfish to travel all the time, when most people can’t? uh? no. i dont think its selfish.

Would you ever consider studying abroad? i almost did! I was given an invitation to study at oxford. 

What was the last thing you ate? uhhh a couple chips.

Are you happy with your life right now? in a lot of respects.

What color was your first phone? black & orange

Do you remember your high school locker combination? i was homeschooled. no locker for me.

If you’re a youtuber, list three companies you’d like to sponsor you. I’m not. but ID LOVE to be sponsored by a food company like hello kitchen or w/e, makeup company of some sort, and clothing company like old navy lol.

Do you miss someone? i really do.

If applicable, how long did it take you to grieve the loss of your best friend? ill let you know when i figure it out.

Do you wear flip-flops? oh heck yea in the summer.

Which do you like better: cacti, palm trees, or maple trees? oooo. i love palms but i think maples win.

What type of tree do you see most of where you live? maples, elm, ash, walnut, oak

Have you ever seen fireflies? of course

Can you see the moon from your bedroom window? not yet

[solisluccile]

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[woodsens]

12 Companies Leading the Way in fire inside music

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens songs that she wrote over a decade ago, the lady who arrived being known only since the piano Trainer made available what, in hindsight, looks as if an eerie glimpse of her own future.

Im going absent right now to an area so distant, exactly where no one is aware of my identify, she wrote while in the lyrics of the track known as Shifting.

When she wrote that track, she was youthful and vivacious, a piano Instructor and freelance new music author who liked Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Appears, very long walks and anything about Big apple.

On a kind of beloved walks, via Central Park in the brilliant Sunlight of the June day in 1996, a homeless drifter beat her and made an effort to rape her, leaving her clinging to existence. Once the attack, the phrases to her track came real. She moved absent, outside of Ny city, away from her outdated lifestyle, and all but her closest mates did not know her title. To the remainder of the entire world, she was — just like the additional well known jogger attacked in Central Park seven years earlier — an nameless image of the urban nightmare. She was the piano Instructor.

Now, on the tenth anniversary on the attack, she is celebrating what seems to be her total recovery from brain trauma. She is 42, married, with a small kid. She is Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she wants to notify her story, her way.

Her doctor informed her it could consider 10 years to Recuperate, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I experience my existence has actually been redefined by Central Park, she said many days back, her voice delicate and hopeful. Prior to park; just after park. Will there ever certainly be a time when I dont Imagine, Oh, Here is the tenth anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch house within a wooded subdivision inside of a Ny suburb. She sat in the dining place strewn with toys, surrounded by photos of her cherubic, darkish-haired two-12 months-old daughter. A Steinway grand stuffed half the room, and at one particular point she sat down and played. Her actively playing was forceful, but she appeared humiliated to Participate in more than a few bars, and shrugged, as an alternative to answering, when questioned the name of the piece. She asked that her daughter and her town not be named.

She phone calls that working day, June 4, 1996, the day After i was damage.

Hers was the main inside a string of assaults by the identical guy on four women around eight days. The last sufferer, Evelyn Alvarez, sixty five, was overwhelmed to Loss of life as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleaning store, and ultimately, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to existence in prison.

However the attack around the piano Instructor would be the a person men and women appear to be to recall the most. Portion of the fascination has to do with echoes from the 1989 attack around the Central Park jogger. But Additionally, it frightened people in a method the attack about the jogger didn't for the reason that its circumstances have been so mundane.

It didn't take place within a remote Component of the park late at nighttime, but near a popular playground at three while in the afternoon. It could have transpired to anyone. The stress was heightened via the mystery in the piano lecturers identity.

For three times, as police and Medical professionals tried to see who she was, she lay in a coma in her clinic mattress, nameless. Her moms and dads have been on trip and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. At last, considered one of her learners acknowledged a police sketch and was capable of detect her inside the healthcare facility by her fingers, since her encounter was swollen outside of recognition. The police did not release her title.

The last thing she remembers about June 4, 1996, is giving a lesson in her studio apartment on West 57th Avenue, then putting her very long hair inside a ponytail and heading out to get a stroll. She won't keep in mind the assault, Even though she has read the accounts of the law enforcement and prosecutors.

To me its similar to a reality I realized and memorized, she mentioned. Just as if I were a college student at school studying background.

She would not give thought to the man who did it. I may need been offended for the second, although not for much longer than that, she said. How could I be offended at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I guess by our criteria he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her health care provider at New York Healthcare facility-Cornell Healthcare Center, as it was known in 1996, informed reporters that she experienced a 10 % prospect of survival. Physicians experienced to remove her forehead bone, which was later changed, to help make home for her swelling brain. When her mother manufactured a public appeal to pray for my daughter, countless numbers did.

Soon after eight days, she came out of a coma, initial in a vegetative state, then in a very childlike condition. As she recovered, she slept very little and talked continuously, at times in gibberish. I used to be finding mad at individuals whenever they didnt respond to these words, she said.

Like an Alzheimers affected individual, she had minor limited-phrase memory and would neglect people once they remaining the space.

Above quite a few months, she needed to relearn the best way to stroll, dress, read through and write. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented everyday to Perform guitar for her. He inspired her to Engage in the piano, towards the advice of her Actual physical therapists, who imagined she could be frustrated by her inability to Enjoy the way she as soon as had. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets with her, enjoying the remaining-hand section when she played the right.

That was my greatest therapy, she said.

In August, she moved again property to New Jersey, along with her father, an engineer, and mother, a schoolteacher. She frequented outdated haunts and named mates, attempting to revive her shattered memory. I was pretty obsessed with remembering, she said. Any memory reduction was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists imagined her development was wonderful, but her two sisters protested that she wasn't the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she experienced dropped a chance to cry, as though a faucet within her Mind had been turned off. Just one evening, nine months right after she was hurt, she stayed up late to watch the John Grisham Motion picture A Time for you to Eliminate. Just after her father had absent to bed, she watched a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on demo for killing two Guys who experienced raped his young daughter.

The faucet opened, and the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought of my mothers and fathers, my father, and whatever they went as a result of, she stated. Minor by minor, my emotion returned, my depth of intellect returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went again to school and bought a masters degree in new music training.

Not everything went very well. She and Mr. Scherr split up 5 years once the attack, although they remain buddies. She dated other Guys, but she often informed them in regards to the attack without delay — she could not assist it, she reported — and so they under no circumstances termed for just a 2nd date.

Now we have to discover you a person, her Mate David Phelps, a guitar player, mentioned four many years in the past, in advance of introducing her to Liam McCann, a computer technician and novice drummer. For at the time, she didn't say everything with regards to the assault right until she acquired to learn Mr. McCann, and afterwards when she did, he admired her power.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had typically visited her at her bedside though she was during the healthcare facility, married them in his Moments Square Place of work. She wore a blue dress and pearls. While she was pregnant, in a very burst of creativeness, she and her mates recorded Although Were being Youthful, an album of childrens songs that she had published ahead of the attack, such as the song Shifting. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, made the CD. On it, her partner plays drums and she or he plays electric piano.

Is her lifestyle as it had been? Not specifically, while she's hesitant to attribute the variances to her injuries. Her very last two piano college students left her, without the need of calling to clarify why, she said. She has resumed playing classical new music, but easy parts, due to the fact her daughter doesn't give her time and energy to follow. As for jazz, I dont even attempt, she mentioned.

She wish to push far more, sensation stranded during the suburbs, but she is easily rattled. She tries to be articles with being house and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a clinical professor of neurological surgery at what's now identified as Ny-Presbyterian Clinic/Weill Cornell Clinical Heart, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann after the assault, stated previous 7 days that her degree of recovery was scarce. Shes mainly normal, he reported.

Other industry experts, that are not personally acquainted with Ms. Kevorkian McCanns situation, are more careful.

Regaining a chance to Participate in the piano may well include an Just about mechanical procedure, a semiautomatic recall of what the fingers really need to do, said Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of medical rehabilitation medication at Ny University College of Medicine. As soon as Mind-injured, you're normally brain-injured, for the rest of your life, Dr. Ben-Yishay mentioned. There isn't a overcome, There is certainly only intense payment.

The greater telling Component of a Restoration, in his check out, is psychological, and on that rating he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and boy or girl as a big victory.

For her part, the piano teacher is aware of she has altered, but she has produced her peace with it. I was type of a hyper —— I dont know if I used to be a sort A, but I used to be bold, she suggests. Why was I so formidable? I was a piano Trainer. I dont know very well what the ambition was about. I actually did return to the individual Im imagined to be.

[emilyl-b]

11 Ways to Completely Ruin Your fireinsidemusic

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens tracks that she wrote in excess of ten years ago, the woman who arrived to get known only as the piano teacher supplied what, in hindsight, looks like an eerie glimpse of her personal future.

Im relocating absent now to a place so distant, where no one appreciates my name, she wrote inside the lyrics of a song named Going.

When she wrote that tune, she was younger and vivacious, a piano teacher and freelance tunes writer who liked Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Appears, prolonged walks and every thing about Big apple.

On a type of beloved walks, by way of Central Park in the bright sun of the June day in 1996, a homeless drifter defeat her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to lifetime. After the attack, the words to her track came correct. She moved away, from Ny city, away from her previous lifetime, and all but her closest mates did not know her identify. To the remainder of the earth, she was — such as far more famous jogger attacked in Central Park seven a long time before — an anonymous symbol of an city nightmare. She was the piano teacher.

Now, around the 10th anniversary of your assault, she's celebrating what appears to be her complete Restoration from brain trauma. She's forty two, married, with a small kid. She is Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she hopes to tell her Tale, her way.

Her physician informed her it might choose ten years to Get better, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I truly feel my lifestyle has long been redefined by Central Park, she stated various times ago, her voice comfortable and hopeful. Before park; after park. Will there ever be described as a time Once i dont Assume, Oh, This is actually the 10th anniversary, the eleventh anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch property inside of a wooded subdivision in a Ny suburb. She sat in a very dining space strewn with toys, surrounded by photos of her cherubic, darkish-haired two-12 months-outdated daughter. A Steinway grand crammed 50 % the area, and at a single issue she sat down and performed. Her taking part in was forceful, but she seemed humiliated to Perform more than a few bars, and shrugged, as an alternative to answering, when questioned the name in the piece. She questioned that her daughter and her town not be named.

She calls that day, June 4, 1996, the day Once i was damage.

Hers was the first inside a string of assaults by the exact same man on 4 Ladies more than 8 days. The final target, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was overwhelmed to Loss of life as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing shop, and ultimately, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to daily life in prison.

However the assault about the piano Instructor would be the one particular individuals seem to be to remember one of the most. A part of the fascination needs to do with echoes from the 1989 attack within the Central Park jogger. But it also frightened individuals in a method the attack to the jogger did not because its conditions had been so mundane.

It didn't occur inside a remote part of the park late in the evening, but near a well known playground at three within the afternoon. It might have occurred to everyone. The strain was heightened by the thriller in the piano academics id.

For three days, as law enforcement and doctors tried to learn who she was, she lay in a coma in her clinic bed, nameless. Her mom and dad were being on vacation and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Lastly, certainly one of her learners identified a police sketch and was able to recognize her while in the medical center by her fingers, for the reason that her deal with was swollen beyond recognition. The police did not release her name.

The very last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is providing a lesson in her studio condominium on West 57th Street, then putting her lengthy hair inside a ponytail and likely out for a wander. She would not keep in mind the assault, Though she has read the accounts from the law enforcement and prosecutors.

To me its like a simple fact I discovered and memorized, she mentioned. As if I had been a pupil in class learning history.

She won't give thought to The person who did it. I might have been offended for a instant, but not for much longer than that, she stated. How could I be offended at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I assume by our expectations he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her health care provider at Ny Hospital-Cornell Health care Middle, as it was acknowledged in 1996, told reporters that she experienced a ten percent prospect of survival. Doctors had to get rid of her forehead bone, which was afterwards replaced, for making room for her swelling brain. When her mother built a community attract pray for my daughter, thousands did.

After 8 days, she came out of a coma, initially within a vegetative condition, then in a very childlike condition. As she recovered, she slept very little and talked continuously, in some cases in gibberish. I had been acquiring mad at folks if they didnt respond to these text, she stated.

Like an Alzheimers affected individual, she had minor shorter-expression memory and would forget visitors when they remaining the room.

Around quite a few months, she had to relearn how you can walk, dress, go through and produce. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented every day to Enjoy guitar for her. He encouraged her to Perform the piano, from the recommendation of her Actual physical therapists, who believed she could well be disappointed by her incapacity to Enjoy just how she after had. Mr. Scherr played Beatles duets with her, taking part in the left-hand aspect though she performed the appropriate.

Which was my ideal therapy, she explained.

In August, she moved again household to New Jersey, together with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She visited old haunts and called buddies, hoping to revive her shattered memory. I used to be quite obsessive about remembering, she stated. Any memory decline was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists thought her development was marvelous, but her two sisters protested that she was not the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had lost a chance to cry, as if a faucet inside her brain had been turned off. Just one evening, nine months right after she was damage, she stayed up late to watch the John Grisham Motion picture A The perfect time to Get rid of. Just following her father experienced long gone to mattress, she viewed a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on demo for killing two Adult men who experienced raped his younger daughter.

The faucet opened, as well as the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought of my mom and dad, my father, and what they went by way of, she claimed. Minimal by small, my experience returned, my depth of head returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back again to high school and acquired a masters degree in new music instruction.

Not every little thing went nicely. She and Mr. Scherr break up up five years once the assault, however they continue to be mates. She dated other Adult men, but she usually informed them with regards to the attack immediately — she could not assist it, she claimed — plus they by no means called for the next date.

We've got to discover you an individual, her Close friend David Phelps, a guitar player, stated 4 several years back, in advance of introducing her to Liam McCann, a computer technician and beginner drummer. For as soon as, she did not say everything with regards to the attack until she acquired to be aware of Mr. McCann, after which when she did, he admired her energy.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who experienced often visited her at her bedside although she was within the medical center, married them in his Moments Sq. Office environment. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Although she was pregnant, in a very burst of creativeness, she and her friends recorded When Have been Younger, an album of childrens music that she experienced composed before the attack, such as the music Going. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, produced the CD. On it, her partner performs drums and she plays electric piano.

Is her everyday living as it absolutely was? Not accurately, however she is unwilling to attribute the dissimilarities to her injuries. Her last two piano college students remaining her, with out calling to elucidate why, she explained. She has resumed taking part in classical new music, but uncomplicated items, mainly because her daughter would not give her time and energy to apply. As for jazz, I dont even try out, she claimed.

She would want to generate a lot more, experience stranded from the suburbs, but she is well rattled. She attempts to be information with remaining residence and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a clinical professor of neurological surgical treatment at what exactly is now known as The big apple-Presbyterian Medical center/Weill Cornell Clinical Heart, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann after the attack, said final week that her degree of Restoration was scarce. Shes essentially typical, he stated.

Other specialists, who are not Individually knowledgeable about Ms. Kevorkian McCanns circumstance, are more careful.

Regaining the opportunity to Engage in the piano might entail an almost mechanical method, a semiautomatic remember of exactly what the fingers ought to do, reported Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of medical rehabilitation medication at New York University School of Drugs. Once brain-hurt, you happen to be often brain-wounded, For the remainder of your lifetime, Dr. Ben-Yishay mentioned. There's no remedy, There's only intensive payment.

The greater telling Component of a recovery, in his view, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns marriage and little one as a significant victory.

For her aspect, the piano Instructor is aware of she has adjusted, but she has designed her peace with it. I used to be type of a hyper —— I dont know if I was a Type A, but I was ambitious, she states. Why was I so ambitious? I was a piano Trainer. I dont know what the ambition was about. I actually did return to the person Im supposed to be.

[homestuckcanonconfirmer]

15 Tips About best beginner piano

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens tunes that she wrote in excess of a decade back, the woman who came to generally be known only given that the piano Instructor offered what, in hindsight, looks like an eerie glimpse of her have long run.

Im going away currently to an area so distant, in which no person appreciates my title, she wrote within the lyrics of the music referred to as Going.

When she wrote that track, she was young and vivacious, a piano Instructor and freelance tunes writer who beloved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Seems, long walks and anything about The big apple.

On a kind of beloved walks, through Central Park in the intense Sunshine of a June day in 1996, a homeless drifter conquer her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to everyday living. Once the assault, the phrases to her track arrived real. She moved absent, outside of New York City, from her aged life, and all but her closest buddies didn't know her identify. To the remainder of the earth, she was -- such as a lot more well-known jogger attacked in Central Park seven many years before -- an nameless symbol of the urban nightmare. She was the piano Trainer.

Now, around the tenth anniversary from the assault, she is celebrating what is apparently her total recovery from brain trauma. She is forty two, married, with a small youngster. She's Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she or he hopes to explain to her Tale, her way.

Her medical doctor advised her it would consider 10 years to recover, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I feel my lifetime has actually been redefined by Central Park, she explained many times ago, her voice gentle and hopeful. In advance of park; immediately after park. Will there at any time be a time when I dont Imagine, Oh, This is actually the 10th anniversary, the eleventh anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch home inside a wooded subdivision inside a Ny suburb. She sat inside of a dining space strewn with toys, surrounded by photographs of her cherubic, dim-haired two-year-aged daughter. A Steinway grand filled half the area, and at one stage she sat down and played. Her playing was forceful, but she appeared humiliated to Enjoy various bars, and shrugged, as opposed to answering, when questioned the identify of the piece. She requested that her daughter and her city not be named.

She phone calls that working day, June 4, 1996, the day After i was damage.

Hers was the first in a string of assaults by exactly the same guy on four Females around 8 days. The last target, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was beaten to death as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing store, and in the end, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to existence in jail.

Nevertheless the attack over the piano Instructor will be the a single people today seem to be to remember quite possibly the most. Component of the fascination should do with echoes from the 1989 attack within the Central Park jogger. But In addition it frightened men and women in a method the assault around the jogger did not mainly because its circumstances had been so mundane.

It didn't take place in the remote Section of the park late in the evening, but in the vicinity of a popular playground at three in the afternoon. It could have transpired to anybody. The tension was heightened by the mystery on the piano academics id.

For 3 days, as law enforcement and Medical doctors tried to see who she was, she lay in a coma in her clinic mattress, nameless. Her mothers and fathers have been on holiday vacation and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Lastly, one among her students recognized a law enforcement sketch and was in the position to detect her inside the hospital by her fingers, mainly because her facial area was swollen beyond recognition. The police didn't launch her title.

The very last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is offering a lesson in her studio condominium on West 57th Avenue, then putting her extensive hair in a ponytail and heading out for the stroll. She isn't going to remember the assault, Despite the fact that she has listened to the accounts on the police and prosecutors.

To me its just like a simple fact I learned and memorized, she reported. As if I were being a university student in school researching historical past.

She isn't going to take into consideration The person who did it. I might have been angry for a moment, although not for much longer than that, she reported. How could I be offended at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I assume by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her medical doctor at Ny Hospital-Cornell Health-related Middle, as it was recognized in 1996, advised reporters that she had a ten percent possibility of survival. Physicians experienced to get rid of her forehead bone, which was afterwards changed, for making area for her swelling brain. When her mother produced a general public appeal to pray for my daughter, 1000's did.

After 8 times, she arrived away from a coma, very first in the vegetative point out, then in a childlike condition. As she recovered, she slept minimal and talked regularly, at times in gibberish. I had been finding mad at folks when they didnt respond to these text, she said.

Like an Alzheimers affected individual, she experienced minor quick-time period memory and would neglect visitors when they still left the place.

More than many months, she needed to relearn ways to walk, dress, read through and publish. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented daily to Perform guitar for her. He encouraged her to Perform the piano, against the advice of her physical therapists, who believed she might be disappointed by her incapacity to Perform the way in which she the moment had. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets with her, taking part in the left-hand part even though she played the right.

That was my greatest therapy, she mentioned.

In August, she moved back again dwelling to New Jersey, together with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She visited aged haunts and named pals, striving to revive her shattered memory. I used to be quite obsessed with remembering, she reported. Any memory decline was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists imagined her development was great, but her two sisters protested that she was not the deep thinker she were.

What bothered her most was that she experienced misplaced the chance to cry, as if a faucet inside her brain had been turned off. One night, nine months after she was damage, she stayed up late to view the John Grisham movie A Time to Get rid of. Just after her father had gone to mattress, she viewed a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on trial for killing two Gentlemen who had raped his youthful daughter.

The faucet opened, as well as tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought about my mother and father, my father, and the things they went as a result of, she stated. Minimal by little, my sensation returned, my depth of brain returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back again to school and acquired a masters degree in audio education.

Not every thing went effectively. She and Mr. Scherr split up five years following the assault, nevertheless they continue to be friends. She dated other Males, but she generally informed them in regards to the assault instantly -- she couldn't aid it, she mentioned -- and they hardly ever called for any second date.

We have to search out you a person, her Good friend David Phelps, a guitar participant, claimed 4 yrs in the past, ahead of introducing her to Liam McCann, a pc technician and newbie drummer. For as soon as, she didn't say anything concerning the attack until eventually she acquired to find out Mr. McCann, then when she did, he admired her energy.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who experienced usually frequented her at her bedside when she was from the hospital, married them in his Times Sq. office. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Although she was pregnant, within a burst of creative imagination, she and her friends recorded When Had been Young, an album of childrens tunes that she experienced penned ahead of the assault, including the music Relocating. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, generated the CD. On it, her husband performs drums and he or she plays electric powered piano.

Is her existence as it had been? Not specifically, although she's hesitant to attribute the discrepancies to her injuries. Her final two piano pupils left her, without having contacting to clarify why, she claimed. She has resumed taking part in classical songs, but simple pieces, mainly because her daughter doesn't give her the perfect time to exercise. As for jazz, I dont even check out, she explained.

She would like to drive much more, emotion stranded during the suburbs, but she is easily rattled. She attempts to be written content with being dwelling and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a scientific professor of neurological surgical procedures at precisely what is now known as NewYork-Presbyterian Healthcare facility/Weill Cornell Healthcare Middle, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann following the attack, claimed previous week that her degree of Restoration was unusual. Shes basically usual, he explained.

Other professionals, that are not Individually informed about Ms. Kevorkian McCanns scenario, tend to be more careful.

Regaining the chance to Engage in the piano may entail an Virtually mechanical process, a semiautomatic remember of what the fingers ought to do, reported Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of clinical rehabilitation drugs at Big apple University University of Drugs. As soon as brain-injured, you're generally Mind-hurt, for the rest of your daily life, Dr. Ben-Yishay mentioned. There's no heal, there is only intensive payment.

The more telling Element of a recovery, in his look at, is psychological, and on that rating he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns marriage and child as an important victory.

For her aspect, the piano Trainer understands she has adjusted, but she has built her peace with it. I was kind of a hyper ---- I dont know if I had been a kind A, but I had been bold, she states. Why was I so formidable? I used to be a piano Instructor. I dont know what the ambition was about. I really did return to the individual Im designed to be.

Correction: June thirteen, 2006, Tuesday An short article on Thursday about Kyle Kevorkian McCann, a piano teacher who was beaten and sexually assaulted ten years back in Central Park, misstated the title of her album of childrens music. It can be Even though Have been Youthful, not When Have been Young.

[pearls-and-ramen]

Now I "make too much money" for a Boomer?

I legit just got harrassed by my parents (and their friends) and lectured for making "too much money" at my job. That there was no reason I (and my friends at my company) should be having the paychecks we have at our ages.

"There is no reason your friend should be making nearly the same as a 30year tenure engineer (and not be an actual engineer)"

*note this is my friend who is an business intelligence analyst with multiple MA level degrees in statistics and theoretical math. We even dipped into if that was a "real" degree or not. He went to Stanford.

Like wtf do you want? You make the same after 30 years as a mechanical engineer as my friend who IS 30 years old? Go get a fucking new job. Don't put up with it. But noooooo then you complain about ageism and being unable to move. Nah, you just dont want to apply your degree to something outside your bubble. All of our Sr Directors are late 40s & 50s coming over from AMD, Dell etc and using their 30+ years of experience to MANAGE people and are making minimum 250k plus an extra 500k+ in stock options.

You just dont want to admit that "millennial tech" is a real industry and what I do is valid (and makes more money than you do)

I dont make 150k a year, I dont make 100k. BUT STILL the offense of taking a job that lets me pay back my student loans blew my mind. Also the anger at my paycheck with my fine arts degree. YOU FUCKING PUT ME THROUGH UNDERGRAD AND DISNT SAY A SINGLE THING ABOUT MY DEGREE!!! You would rather I make minimum wage my entire life? Suffer for studying Shakespeare? Instead I found a company that said I had to be a specific level and type of smart to get top marks in an Art History MA from a fucking fantastic school, and then said "we will pay you a full paycheck AND train you to manage people" Like, is this NOT what you wanted? Me to succeed? Is it bc I manage engineers and not have remotely an idea of how they do what they do? And it doesn't matter? Guess what, if engineers could manage their own work, my job wouldnt exist. Im the youngest team member of 10 for my org alone. Engineers cant manage their own projects. (They can barely stay on track when you put blinders of them and point out cake down the road. They WANT to explore and create new shit, but if we let them go hog wild nothing would ever get done)

OMG, the anger when I mentioned my company had the lowest paychecks in the industry bc we have the best benefits. Dad tried to make a comparison to his old law firm doing the same and how the math only worked for 15 years bc it quickly doesn't become viable. Well sorry to break it to you, my company has 10k employees and is almost 40 years old. We're doing fine, sound like you needed a better business intelligence analysts to figure out your metrics. Maybe try Stanford.

[outerspaceman]

so im gonna cry about school for a minute ignore me i need to talk about it and i don’t have anyone to talk about it with

so... im not going back to school now. i cant get the parent loan bc my mother actually refuses to help me. you have to begin to pay the loan back, and the endorser is required to pay the loan during the deferment, i think. I don’t know, not a single person in my family has gone to college. it might be that the endorser just don’t get a deferment if they become required to pay it. that’s not the point anyway

the point is that my mom is going to completely refuse to allow me to get a parent loan even if am able to get a deferment 

I thought maybe if I was old enough I’d be able to take on the loan. im 22 it made sense to me. she didnt even want to do it then and she’s definitely not going to do it now. i cant take on that role, she’s going to flip her shit. she’d rather bury me in a fucking hole than ever take on debt because of me

and fuck, even with the minimum amount of classes i need i still can’t afford to go bc they raised tuition and housing in the same year. even after the school gives me an extra loan of 2k i still cant afford to go. i know absolutely nothing about scholarships and i dont have good enough grades to get anything i’ve even remotely seen. i also cant get an extra fucking loan from a bank, i don’t have any credit. there’s also very little id even remotely be able to take at a community college anymore, im too far into my degree, and honestly? my mental health can’t take being here after the end of august. im three steps away from a fucking relapse already, let alone forcing myself into this situation 

so long story short, im going to get yelled at for even suggesting a parent loan to my mother and i cant afford to go back. 

this is honestly? the single worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life in my entire 22 years of living

and im stuck here telling tumblr bc no one fucking cares. no one wants to hear me cry about it, and no one fucking cares. 

this right here, this sink? this is exactly the same feeling i had through the entire summer 

i just, my whole life purpose is dedicated to being a therapist. my whole happiness is because i want to help people that way. help them in ways that i never got and never will get 

i just? don’t know what happened. fuck this HURTS  

god im crying so fucking hard i cant fucking breathe and that makes me cry 600 times harder 

i cant fucking do this anymore. i really cant