#deploymentdiary

[milsodiary]

I miss...

Those kisses that sneak up when I am cooking or washing dishes.

Unexpected hugs.

That look across a crowded room.

His heart beat as I lay my head on his chest.

Holding his hand just cause.

Grocery shopping.

Car rides.

Quiet silences as we just enjoy each others presence.

Him.

[tuesdayroo]

When you’ve been apart from your person for 7+ months, life becomes one continuous stream of unresolved sexual tension and like, dreams start getting real weird.

[deploymentdiaries]

There we stood. At the gate for his flight for what is to be an almost year long military assignment. The night before there were a lot of tears shed; we both cried that it wasn’t fair to be across the country from each other. We watched all the movies that mean so much to us together, cuddled on the couch, and just content that we’d be around each other. That was a good night that I hold onto the memory of.

Now, in that moment standing there, I couldn’t think about that. All I was thinking about was these were my final moments with him. In the middle of an almost empty airport wearing a mask. Finally, it was that dreaded moment, his group was called and it was that look in his eyes. The misty eyed look that I hated seeing on his face; the last time he had it was when I went to my parents’ house the night before our wedding. This time, we’d be on different coasts. That one last hug felt like the most bittersweet one. Before he took off (my ETA home was after his flight took off), he texted me this: Don’t cry. I am trying to keep it together.

The tears actually started to fall as I drove home. People started texting me to ask if I was okay. I said I was but that was a lie. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball. My heart was aching and it hurt. I had to pull it together; my roommate was home after all. That’s what I did but finally when she left for work, I stopped. There I was on my couch in the midst of an ugly cry session and in sadness overload. I remember that I was watching ‘Westworld’ and by the time that episode was done, I could stop the tears. It was when my husband texted: ‘Eat something. I know you’re not hungry but you need to. It’s not good’ that I felt the pain again. I forgot that he knew that when my anxiety is high, then I won’t eat anything. He called me to say he was at his hotel safe. The crying happened again; that’s when bed time became a good idea (I assure you it wasn’t).

I stared at my bed like it was the enemy; this was my first time not feeling his body heat. There it was again, the crying and the loud sobs. I read an article saying something along the lines of if you’re crying this much on the first night then you know you truly love who you’re married to and that it leaves room for inner strength to grown. Yeah, I didn’t believe in that moment. No, I’d rather have him on his phone with his strong arms wrapping my upper body. Not this. I think I finally fell asleep at 10:30.

This all happened yesterday. Right now, in this time of a pandemic, a new normal is what I was getting used to. The thought that runs through my head right now: Every day and night that goes by brings me one day closer to him giving the warmest hug he can. The next time I’m at that airport is to pick him up and bring him home. There’s still a long way to go before that and a lot of inner strength and growth to develop.

[southernangelbaby]

Deployment is almost over. Only a few more days but they are dragging on!!!

[milsodiary]

Dependa

I have been in the military community since I was born. However, I have never heard of the term dependa until this past week. It was brought to attention by a military spouse and naturally since it is something that I am unfamiliar with, I researched it aka googled it.

According to the seasonedspouse.com, “'Dependa' is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down. Every military spouse is a dependent (unless they are active duty), but to be a dependa infers that someone is useless or stupid.” The second definition that was told to me by the same spouse is a person who posts things on social media to gain attention or sympathy for their service member is away.

Let me start off by saying this, the first definition there is one part that stood out to me. “This is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down”. This is wrong on so many levels. Being on our different MILSO journeys we all have a set of our own challenges. There are already so many external factors that already brings us down, why are we doing it to each other? We, MILSO are a community that should encourage and is there to support each other while our service members are away serving our country. What our loved ones do, it’s scary and carries huge occupational hazards that sometimes cost their lives. We are expected to hold it together on the outside, but really most days I just want to scream. I depend on my little community when times are tough.

The second definition of a MILSO who posts. Many times we are separated from our friends and family due to duty station changes. We deal with time differences, new jobs and trying to make new friends. It isn’t easy, sometimes we only have social media to validate our feelings. Who am I to judge what tools you use to cope. This may be their way of asking for help. Other times such as for me, I use my blog (this blog) as my outlet. A way to lay my whole basket of emotions out rather than taking it out on my soldier while he is deployed. Being this is my first deployment as a MILSO there is a lot of feelings that I am still learning to process. It is different than when my dad was deployed or my uncle. It’s a different situation altogether. I found it easier for me to just write it out and feel better. It’s also there for me to look back on and reflect. This is my process and the best way for me to go on this journey.

I understand that some people believe that dependa give the community a bad name.  But instead of screenshotting and talking behind each other backs why don’t we let them know to their face. Name calling is bullying! Remember we are in this together, so let’s stop putting each other down.

[milsodiary]

My Birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I just can't help but feel a little said that P won't be there tomorrow to help me celebrate. It is going to be difficult as this week we also celebrate our anniversary and his birthday. I miss him so much and although he will be home in months its moments like this that I wish he was here.

[milsodiary]

Homecoming Anxiety

As we edge closer and closer to homecoming it comes with so many different emotions. Mind you it's still months away but I'm a planner.

I am also a researcher and I read lots of books on things. Including the close to ten I read on military/ deployment within the first month of him leaving. Let just say that lead to so much anxiety and stress, so don't do it. But I never learn, so I have been researching homecoming and readjusting to civilian life and it is overwhelming.

I will be welcoming back my solider from a combat zone a year later. He will need time to adjust and I just hope that I will be able to be there when he needs it. There are so many things he isn't able to tell me and I fully understand. But I hope he can reach out when he needs it.

I don't know what homecoming is going to look like but know that he only wants me to pick him up from the tarmac. We are planning a quiet night of just the two of us and getting to know each other all over again. I know he is my love of my life, but he will be coming back a different someone.

There are going to be readjustment and recalibration in our relationship and life. But that's how we grow, evolve and move forward. We can do this.

[milsodiary]

Find comfort in knowing this is your journey. Own it. You are right where you need to be right now. You are doing great!

[milsodiary]

Deployment Slump

I am weeks away from being in the home stretch of this deployment. Time is dragging and I just want him to be home. I am an emotional wreak some days and ecstatic other days. But this weekend has just been practically rough and my mood is just in a slump. I sent all weekend in my pajamas mostly in bed... the weather has been horrible but I should really do something before this mood sticks.

[milsodiary]

Worries.

I'm super worried that the constant distance between us is going to begin to feel normal. Life goes on back home while he is away on deployment. But what happens if we forget how to be together once he gets home. I know we all watch the homecoming videos and see the sparks and everything but what happens a week after the homecoming... I would like to think we will fall back into place but it doesn't always...

[milsodiary]

Tonight just confirmed why I love you so much. You allowed me to be upset and to get angry. But then you helped me to focus on the good that happened today. You refocused me and grounded me. I went from being upset on the verge of tears to smiling all in one conversation. This is why you are my person and why I hope to marry you one day. Because no one else can calm me the way that you do. Hold me the way you do. You are 9,000 miles away and you still ground me and fill my love tank. You are absolutely amazing and the one for me. Thank you for being my person.

[milsodiary]

Priorities

Its heading towards the end of the year. I realized something, ever since my boyfriend deployed I have been so focused on him and his needs. I have neglected my own and put my own feelings on the backburner. I love him and I will continue to wait by the phone for his calls. But I think it's time I start doing things for me and make me a priority for the first time during this deployment. We aren't even halfway there and deployment is a marathon not a sprint. Need to focus on me so that I can be the best for him. Make sure my priorities are straight.

[milsodiary]

December

December is going to be an interesting month. Spending the Holidays with friends and family, while the one person I want to spend it with is thousands of miles away. 

I have taken measures to try my best to make Christmas as special as can be as I prepared his care package this month. Filled with gifts and snacks from home. But as we all know with mail going overseas I have no idea the timing of when the package is going to make it. 

When New Years comes along, I know there is only one person I want to kiss that day. And again with him being so far away, we will need to adjust and wait for that new years kiss to be months delayed. 

No one said this was going to be easy. But he is worth it, this lifestyle is just for the now and this deployment is a drop in the water compared to the rest of our lives that we have together. Just keep pushing, he will come home. 

[milsodiary]

Scent

So for those of you who don't know. My solider and I have always been long distance since the beginning. We are from Hawaii and reside on different islands. Since he left 135 days or 4.5 months ago (who is counting right 🤣) I had not been back to his side of the island. This past weekend I flew in to spend time with my family and his. I slept at his house and it was the first time since he left that I had been back. The house felt so empty without him. So many shared memories in his house together.

All day I avoided the bedroom but finally after sorting out some of his mail from the past months and doing laundry that he left 😑 it was time to go to sleep. His bed still smelled like him. I cried because for months I thought I forgot how he smelled but climbing back into bed it was like he was right there next to me. Grabbed on of his shirts and put on his jacket and fell asleep.

I miss him so much and a yearn for his touch. But we are one day closer and if I got excited about smelling his pillow can you imagine homecoming? Guys, we are one day closer!!!

[milsodiary]

MILSO Holiday Season

Today is thanksgiving. It marks the beginning of the holiday season. It should be a time of joy, excitement and bliss. But for many of us in relationships with the military it is a time of separation. Sometimes it due to training, deployments or stationing.

Separation shouldn't be considered a difficulty but it is a challenge. We are the silent strength behind our relationships which means we can conquer any challenge put in front of us. We keep it together and carry on. Place a smile on our face with a part of our heart missing. We need to be strong for our service member and carry on.

Keep strong. You can do it!

Make sure we keep rising each other up holidays are tough without our love ones but we have each other.

And if you aren't military reach out you will might not realize how much of a challenge it is.

[milsodiary]

Rough Night 😭

I really miss you bad tonight. Weekends seem to be the hardest without you. I miss your embrace. Your eyes locking with mines in a crowded room. You brushing my hair out of my face. Your hand finding mines as we drive. The feel of you just brushing up against me as we walk by. I miss sitting in silence with you. Falling asleep listening to your heartbeat. I miss your smile. I miss you kissing my forehead. I just miss you so bad it hurts tonight. Tears running down my face, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because as much as I am missing you tonight my heart is full. I am loved wholeheartedly by a man who sees my imperfections. Deployment isn't going to break us apart. But I am feeling a little broken tonight and I can't call you to talk about it...