#detectivesvu

[detectivesvu]

Flirtatious Fate

Rafael Barba x Fem! Detective! Reader Tags: Near smut. Lots of flirting. Barba and Reader almost get caught. Sonny being a great advice giver. Word Count: 6.5k "And what if we are? Would that be such a bad thing?"

It wasn't at all uncommon for the counselor to work overtime.

Rafael more than likely worked more overtime hours than any of the attorneys in the whole building. He lived for his work, so it was no shock that it was nearly 8:00 o'clock and he was still buried in his work with no intention of going anywhere anytime soon. Most of the building had thinned out. All the people who were much better at maintaining a work-life balance had left hours ago - leaving Rafael as practically the only one left. Not that he minded, he could always work better alone.

But he didn't mind having some company. There were a few faces that he always was always welcome to and would always make time for...especially one in particular.

His attention was stolen away from his work when there was a knock on his open door, obviously indicating that someone was there to see him. Clearly, he wasn't the only one who pulled a lot of overtime hours.

He knew exactly who was at his door just by the specific sound of the knock. He wasn't sure how he knew, but he did - and his heart fluttered at the knowledge of the person at his door.

Their relationship was complicated, although neither of them realized that the way they acted toward one another made things a gray area. They simply believe they were colleagues...friendly colleagues at best. Somehow, neither of them really realized that their dynamic came from a much more personal and emotional place.

Nonetheless, he was happy she was there...even though he didn't realize it.

"Come in, detective." He said, without even giving a glance up from what he was working on.

A genuine smile was on the detective's face at the sound of his invitation. She entered the room with a cup of coffee in each hand, her foot kicking the door closed behind her as she entered. She was alone in her entrance, and the fact that her partner wasn't with her let him know this wasn't a business visit.

“Counselor,” She greeted. “Do you have time for coffee and a chat?”

If there was any single person in the world who could outdrink Rafael Barba when it came to coffee - it was [Y/N]. She could drink coffee at any time of day and could put down at least four cups a day. That was one thing they shared - they worked a lot and ran on nothing much pure passion for their job and heavy amounts of caffeine.

Rafael looked at her then, curious and intrigued. He wondered where her partner was, considering she was still dressed in her work attire, which also let him know she wasn't done working for the day.

"Be my guest," He gestured to the chair opposite his desk, leaning back in his own seat knowing he was about to be distracted completely. "What brings you here?"

She approached him, handing him a hot latte that was fresh and just to his liking. As coffee connoisseurs, they had entertained plenty of coffee conversations in the past. He wasn't really at all shocked that she knew his preference in coffee. He watched her from over the rim of his cup as she sat down with her own drink, clearly very comfortable in his presence.

"Carisi is upstairs talking to someone, so I figured I'd stop by and say hello." She said casually, but the sparkle in her eye let him know she had come by for more than a quick greeting.

A small smirk appeared on his face when he caught that look in her eyes. He knew her too well. She was here for a bigger reason. They were always usually very to the point with each other. They saw no reason to waste time when she was here with a purpose.

"Is that so? You came all this way just to say 'hello' to me?" He asked, a hint of playfulness in his normally dry tone.

She shrugged, a knowing grin appearing on her face as she ran her finger absentmindedly around the lid of her cup.

"Well..." She began. "I might have something interesting to tell you."

Now this made more sense. The coffee, the late visit, the giddiness. She was here to gossip - a habit that she frequently and flat out denied that she ever took part in.

"Okay," He nodded, his smirk now turning more curious. "Don't keep me in suspense."

She set her coffee down on his desk, now sitting up completely straight as she used both her hands to talk. He knew she had something big if she was this focused.

"You know how I'm kind of friends with the secretary on the fifth floor of the precinct?" She asked, jogging his memory. "Remember how I was telling you she had been acting strange?"

Rafael's eyes darted around the room as he racked his brain. mentally sorting through hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations the two of them had shared until he placed it.

"Yeah, you said she was acting secretive or something like that." He remembered, albeit vaguely.

"Right! You know I'm not one to gossip," She said, and Rafael had to fight the urge to roll his eyes at that comment. "But she's pregnant!"

Let the records show, Rafael had never met this said secretary before. The only things he knew about her were things that [Y/N] had disclosed to him, but evidently she had shared just enough with him for him to be all in on this revelation.

"No way," He tilted his head. "How do you know?"

"She told me!" She remarked. "I really couldn't believe it. I knew something was different about her. I had to come tell you when I could because you were the only person who agreed with me that something was up."

His heart fluttered again at that. It was purely just convenience that had brought her to his office that night, but it still made him shudder to think she had reserved a conversation solely for him.

"It seems we were right then," He took another sip, his eyebrows knitting together when he realized something. "Didn't you tell me she was single?"

There was a brief silence as she only shared a certain look with him. Her silence answered his question completely.

"Ah, so that's the crux of it all," He said, figuring he might as well fully emerge himself in this gossip session. "So, I'm guessing you have information on who the father is?"

"No," She shook her head. "I'm still working on that one...but I have a few guesses."

"Let's hear them." He encouraged her.

Normally, it would've been so unusual for Rafael to engage in this kind of talk. He didn't rightly care what a stranger to him had going on in their personal life...but he didn't like them the way he liked the detective sitting pretty in front of him, genuinely enjoying conversing with him on any given day.

"The rumor on the fifth floor is that it's a cop over in narcotics..." She took a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was listening. "But that said cop has been gone for nearly six months. I don’t think the math adds up.”

Rafael considered her statement, nodding in agreement and urging her to continue.

"My other guess is a bit far-fetched, but not unreasonable," She said. "A few weeks ago she went home to Chicago to visit her family, and I remember her mentioning to me that she was thinking about paying an old flame of hers a visit..."

"Oh, that's interesting...and certainly a possibility, I suppose." He replied. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all I got," She shrugged. "I am being unfair. I shouldn't be making a conversation out of her business."

Rafael chuckled, shaking his head.

"Well, we all indulge in a little nosy talk here and there." He said, feeling a pang of disappointment knowing this conversation was coming to an end.

“I know, I know. That’s really all I know," She reached for her coffee cup again. "But enough about me. How are things going here?”

He chuckled when she changed the subject, noticing her eyes lingering on his. He should've known she had something else locked and loaded.

"Things here are…as expected," he said, gesturing to the stacks of files on his desk. "Too many cases, too little time." He picked up his coffee, taking a sip before continuing. "But I always manage, one way or another."

“That you do, counselor.” She grinned. “This case has been a tough one…how are you holding up?”

He leaned back in his chair, a weary smile on his face.

"You know how it is." He said, and that was all he needed to say for her to completely understand.

"That I do," She sighed. "After all these years, I've never quite mastered dealing with everything we see."

"It's not easy, that's for sure," He said. "But I must say, you've handled yourself quite well in difficult situations, detective."

“I try my best,” She shrugged. “Some days I wonder if I should've stuck with my college job."

"Which was...?" He probed.

"Bartending," She confessed. "Also a stressful job, but nothing like doing police work."

This was new information to him. He actually didn't know that about her. He chuckled, imagining her in a bar apron, wiping down tables and listening to drunken rants.

"I could see that." He teased, a playful smile on his face. "But then we would be missing out on your skills as a detective."

She gave a small laugh, but didn't respond just yet. They sat in a comfortable silence, the conversation fizzling out before a new one blossomed.

"Maybe I need a vacation." She said in a way that seemed random, but this was usually how their conversations went. They would start on one topic and then end up somewhere completely different within minutes.

He took the opportunity to tease her, something that was also very common for their interactions.

"From SVU or from me?" He joked, the playful banter coming easy between them.

"Oh, never from you, Rafael." She matched his tone, his first name sliding off her tongue like it was something she said often.

He felt a brief flash of surprise when she used his first name, but he quickly recovered and played along with the banter.

"Careful, detective. That sounds almost affectionate." He teased.

She scoffed at that, an entertained smile on her face.

"We work for the law. We hardly have time to be affectionate in any regard." She said, and it was completely true.

"Yet here we are, two busy people making time for each other." He took a sip of his coffee, then looked at her with a more serious expression. "But you're right, it's not easy to balance work and personal life. Especially in our line of work."

“I can relate. Somehow you and my co-workers are the only people I really talk to,” She spoke, her voice soft. “Not…that I mind talking to you. Who else is going to tell you the neighborhood gossip?”

He smiled, genuinely flattered that she considered him one of her few friends.

"I must admit," he said, a hint of jest in his voice. "I do enjoy hearing your neighborhood gossip. It breaks up the monotony of the legal jargon."

“I imagine it does,” She returned a smile. “Maybe eventually we’ll figure out how to balance work and personal lives. Figure out how to do something other than work.”

Clearly they often toed the line between being professional, being casual, and being flirtatious. This was their norm. Everybody who knew them wouldn't even bat an eye at this conversation between them. But what Rafael said next would've raised a few brows. He wasn't sure what made him say it. Maybe it was the late hour or the moment just felt right, but he made a remark that couldn't have been confused as anything other than personal.

"Maybe we will. It's about time we started making time for ourselves." He paused, then said with a teasing smile. "And each other."

Her gaze fixed on him, her eyes slightly squinted as she smirked at him. She wasn't sure if he was being serious or not. Neither of them had ever crossed this line before. They were both aware that this was a new level of comfort with one another.

“Counselor, are you flirting with me?”

A sly smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he held her gaze.

"And if I was, detective?" He retorted.

“Mark me as surprised,” She said. “But flattered.”

They were both confident people...stubborn at times too. There would be no backing down from this. He chuckled, enjoying the back and forth banter. He leaned a bit closer in his chair, his smile growing wider.

"Is that so? You're not going to accuse me of being unprofessional?"

“That would make me a hypocrite. Me waltzing in here and gossiping about my coworker is unprofessional,” She leaned forward. “I consider this a flirtatious and pleasant conversation.”

He raised an eyebrow, intrigued by her words. He leaned closer as well, his voice a little lower now.

"Just a pleasant conversation, hm? You're not going to tell your other coworkers about this little chat?"

This situation was turning and it was turning fast. It had gone from casual to playful, and now they were trodding in a territory they had never ventured to before. This was different, but neither were backing down.

“Not at all, Counselor, if the thought of someone knowing bothers you so much.” She stood from her chair, eyes locked on him.

His smirk grew wider as she stood up, his eyes never leaving hers.

"It doesn't bother me at all." He assured her, rising to his feet as well. He moved around the desk, closing the distance between them. "In fact, I quite enjoy these little chats of ours."

“If we aren’t careful, we might become the precinct gossip.” She looked up at him, eyes sparkling.

He chuckled, finding the idea of being the source of gossip in the precinct strangely amusing. He took a step closer, his voice a low murmur as he spoke.

"And what if we are? Would that be such a bad thing?"

“Well, I would be getting a taste of my own medicine I suppose,” She said, realizing their noses were nearly touching. “Amongst other things.”

He let out a soft exhale, feeling his heart rate quicken at her close proximity. The air between them felt electrified.

"And those other things would be?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Whatever you suggest we do to ‘make time for each other’?” She said smoothly. “What did you have in mind?”

He chuckled, his gaze locked with hers. He reached out with a slow, tentative hand, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. The feel of her skin under his fingers sent a shiver down his spine.

"I have plenty of ideas," he said, his voice low and filled with promise, "but we should probably discuss them somewhere more… private."

“Are you thinking private thoughts, Counselor?” She replied.

He leaned in a little closer, his voice dropping to a sultry whisper.

"What do you think, detective?" His hand moved to her cheek, his thumb tracing a gentle line along her jawline. The proximity was intoxicating, and he couldn’t resist the urge to toy with her a bit more.

“I’m thinking a couple of drinks over dinner,” She said, her voice supple and sultry. “Dessert at my place.”

He chuckled, his eyes darkening with desire at her words. He lifted his other hand, gently cupping her face, his thumbs brushing against her cheeks. He leaned even closer, his lips grazing against her ear as he whispered.

"Sounds like a perfect plan."

“Don’t you want to know what you’ll be having for dessert?” She asked, her control getting close to wobbling.

His lips curled into a sinful smile, the double meaning behind her words and the shiver in her voice were all the invitation he needed. He moved even closer, his breath hot against her ear, his voice huskier than before.

"Show me, detective. I’m absolutely starving."

She smiled an awfully sultry grin, her teeth toying with her bottom lip as she whispered.

“You’re looking at it.”

His eyes darkened with a mixture of restraint and desire, a low growl rumbling in his chest. He was losing control, his hands gripping her face a bit tighter now.

"Careful, detective. If you keep talking like that, I'll have you right now on this desk."

Fire was burning between them. Their minds were racing and hearts were pounding with the knowledge of where this was going. Neither cared to try and figure out how this was happening so fast. Neither of them needed to. They just knew something between them was mutual and it was coming out in full force.

He backed her into the desk, the backs of her thighs pressed against the edge of the desk. Her hands came to start working on getting his tie off, his hands planted high on her thighs underneath her skirt. Her lips brushed against his as her breathing became heavy, the two of them mere milliseconds from going at it when there was a knock on his office door and it creaked open.

Both Rafael and the detective froze, the moment shattered by the intrusion. Rafael took a moment to compose himself, his face flushing with a mix of annoyance and embarrassment as he attempted to conceal the fact that they had been just seconds away from being intimate on his desk.

He cleared his throat and took a few steps back, allowing some space between them. They both were quick to readjust themselves, totally coming back to reality of what just almost happened. Her heart was hammering away in her chest, her cheeks tinted pink as she adjusted her skirt. The intruder was none other than her detective partner, Sonny Carisi, who was blissfully unaware that he was just barely seconds away from walking in on his partner and his squad's counselor going at it.

Sonny stepped into the office, his expression serious. However, he hadn’t yet noticed the tense atmosphere in the room or the telltale signs of intimacy that were still evident on Rafael and the detective’s faces. He approached Rafael, his eyes fixed on the district attorney.

"Counselor...we have an issue with one of the witnesses in the case. Can I have a word?"

She was trying to hold her composure, acting like she wasn’t just about to get down and dirty with the counselor. Rafael took a deep breath, attempting to compose himself. The interruption had cooled the heat between them a bit, but the tension in the room was still palpable. He cleared his throat and addressed Sonny, his voice slightly strained as he tried to keep it together.

"Yeah...w-what's the issue with the witness?"

She could hardly stand to be in the room anymore. She was having a hard time processing how an innocent conversation turned so hot so quickly. Rafael had never expressed that kind of feeling with her. They had never gotten that close before. Sure, they faintly flirted, but never so outright before. She was overwhelmed, and now she felt like she needed some air.

“Sonny, you finish up here,” She said, her voice a bit shaky from the adrenaline. “I’m…I’ll meet you downstairs.”

Sonny's eyes flicked between Barba and the detective, sensing that there was more going on than he was aware of. He was puzzled by her shaky voice, and something about the tension in the room felt odd, but he didn’t have time to question it. As the detective made her way out of the room, Rafael's gaze followed her, a mixture of disappointment and concern etched on his face as she left.

Rafael had never shared that kind of moment with her. To be honest, he wasn’t sure where it had come from. Sure, he liked her and favored her, but he had never made a move on her before. But in all fairness, she had never reciprocated quite like that.

Rafael couldn’t deny that the moment with her had been explosive, a spark igniting between them that he hadn’t expected. He had always liked her, but this was a whole different level of attraction. Her response to him had triggered a deep, intense desire that he couldn’t ignore. As Sonny continued to talk, Rafael struggled to focus on the conversation, his mind going back to the moment they had shared just moments before.

He just wanted to help Sonny and get him out of his office so he could handle this. But of course, Sonny always needed to know everything.

“Is…everything alright between you and her, Counselor?”

Rafael flinched, snapped out of his thoughts by Sonny's question. He blinked a couple of times and cleared his throat, trying to hide his preoccupation.

"Yeah, everything's just fine, Carisi," he said, his tone a little guarded. "Why do you ask?"

“I’ve never seen her run out like that. Especially when you’re around,” Sonny remarked.

Rafael shifted uneasily in his chair as he sat down, the observation not being lost on him. He tried to play it off as nonchalantly as possible.

"I suppose she just had something to take care of. She seemed… in a hurry." He said, his words sounding unconvincing even to him.

Sonny didn’t believe him. He knew his partner, and he could tell when someone was lying. Something had happened in this office before he came in.

Rafael realized that Sonny wasn’t buying his response, and he silently cursed himself for not being more convincing. The air in the room felt heavy, and he knew he had to change the subject or risk further questioning.

"Is there anything else you needed to discuss regarding the case, Detective Carisi?" Rafael asked, trying to sound as impassive as possible.

Sonny caught the way Rafael changed the subject. He wasn’t getting anything from Rafael, so he decided to try his partner, who was downstairs waiting for him.

“No...alright…” Sonny said. “We’ll…we’ll be in touch.”

Rafael nodded, a slight look of relief on his face as Sonny seemed to accept the change in topic. As Sonny turned to leave, Rafael couldn’t help but feel a pang of worry about what might happen once he spoke to the detective.

He took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts, but his mind was still buzzing from the encounter that had just taken place, and the uncertainty of what would happen next gnawed at him. Sonny wasted no time getting to the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Sure enough, she was standing just outside on the sidewalk, her hand resting over her chest as she took slow deep breaths of the cold New York air.

She let the cold air of New York City fill her lungs, the chill helping to clear her mind. She tried to steady her rapid heartbeat, still shaken by the intensity of the moment she and Rafael had shared. The thought of what might have happened if Sonny hadn’t walked in sent a shudder down her spine. What was she thinking?

She was so distracted by her thoughts that she didn’t notice Sonny approaching until he was standing beside her.

“Sonny.” She nearly gasped, her heart lurching in surprise.

Sonny chuckled at her reaction and raised an eyebrow, a sly smile on his face.

"Whoa, easy there. You almost jumped out of your skin." he teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m sorry, you scared me.” She sighed. “Are you ready to go?” She gestured toward the SVU car they had taken.

Sonny nodded, and as they headed toward the car, he shot her a sideways glance, curious about what had just transpired upstairs.

He wasn’t a detective for nothing, and he could sense that there was more to the story. Something was off, especially given her demeanor and the flushed look on her face.

She slid into the passenger seat, feeling a bit less shaky now that she had a few minutes to calm down. Her mind was still reeling, but she didn’t feel like she was going to pass out anymore.

Sonny walked around the car and got behind the wheel, his gaze flickering to her every now and then. As they started driving, he decided to go for it and ask the question that had been on his mind since he walked in on his partner and the Counselor.

"So, what was that all about? You left his office looking like you’d seen a ghost." He said.

She took a subtle deep breath, trying to center herself for a round of questioning that was no doubt coming.

“It was nothing really,” She responded as coolly as possible. “I’m just tired, I think. I just needed a second to gather myself.”

Sonny gave her a skeptical look, her response only adding to his suspicion. She was obviously trying to brush it off, but he was not convinced.

"Come on. You know I wasn’t born yesterday," he said, his tone laced with mild irritation. "Something happened up there."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” She said, reaching for her phone that vibrated in her pocket.

As she checked her phone, Sonny gave her a knowing look. He could sense that she was dodging the question, and it only fueled his suspicion further.

"Oh, really? Then why won’t you look me in the eye?" he asked, his voice a bit challenging now. "Who’s sending you text messages, huh? The Counselor?”

Her heart dropped, because despite the fact that Sonny’s question was a joke — he was right. She stared at the text message that had just come in from Rafael.

A sly smile crept onto Sonny's face as he spotted the change in her expression, a clear indication that he hit a sore spot.

"Bingo," he said, his tone dripping with smugness. "That’s what I thought. What did he say?"

Sonny glanced at her, his curiosity piqued. He could tell she was reading a text message, but he couldn’t see what it said.

"So, are you planning to share that text with me, or are you just going to keep me in suspense?" he said, his voice filled with playful annoyance.

She didn't even really mean to, but she read the text out loud for herself and Sonny to hear.

Call me when you can. Please.

Sonny raised an eyebrow, a smirk spreading across his face. He couldn’t help but feel a little amused by the situation.

"‘Please?’" he repeated, a hint of mockery in his voice. "Sounds like the counselor is desperate to talk to you."

Sonny had her cornered, and she knew it. There was no getting anything past Sonny, especially since they worked so closely every single day.

“Sonny..." She whined, knowing he was more on to her than she realized.

Sonny chuckled at her response, thoroughly enjoying the teasing. He knew he had her now.

"Come on," he said, feigning innocence. "Don’t sound so surprised. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other when you think no one’s watching."

“Now I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” She huffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sonny took his eyes off the road for a moment to shoot her a sidelong glance, a knowing smile on his lips.

"Oh, please. You really think you’re discreet?" he said. "The tension between you two is so thick, a blind man could see it."

She rubbed her eyes stressfully, unsure of how to respond to Sonny, and even more unsure of how to proceed with Rafael. Seeing her stressed out, Sonny’s playful tone softened slightly. While he enjoyed teasing her, he could see that the situation was weighing on her.

"Hey, relax," he said, throwing her a gentle smile. "It’s just me, alright? You can talk to me, you know?"

“No, I can’t…” She sighed. “Not about this.”

Sonny’s smile faded slightly at her response. He could tell that whatever had happened in Rafael’s office was more serious than he initially thought. It wasn’t just some harmless flirtation between her and the district attorney. He cleared his throat and spoke with a more serious tone now.

"Why not? Come on. You and I have been friends for a long time, haven’t we? You can trust me."

“I trust you,” She said. “It’s not that, it’s just…complicated.”

Sonny furrowed his brow, his interest piqued even further. The way she said ‘complicated’ made it clear that there was more to this than he initially thought. He knew there was something she was holding back, but he wasn’t going to let it go that easily.

"Complicated, huh? In what way?" he asked, his voice calm but filled with genuine curiosity.

At this point, she knew Sonny wasn’t going to let this go. Sonny could keep a secret better than anyone, so she figured she might as well give it up. She told him the story, leaving out a few graphic details, but she told him enough for him to get the picture.

Sonny listened intently as she spoke, his expression stoic as he absorbed the details of what had transpired between her and Rafael. He didn’t say a word as she recounted the encounter, his gaze steady on the road ahead of them.

When she finished her story, he was silent for a moment, considering everything that had been said. Then, he spoke up, keeping his voice neutral.

"So, let me get this straight. You and the Counselor got hot and heavy in his office, but things got interrupted, and now you don’t know what to do next?"

“That about sums it up,” She sighed again. “If we had gone all the way…I don’t even know. I don’t know where to go from here and I don’t know if I can ever work with him again…”

Sonny exhaled softly, his jaw tensing slightly. He hadn’t been expecting it to be that serious. He could sense the internal struggle she was having and understood her confusion. He knew it wasn’t easy, juggling personal feelings and professional responsibilities.

"Whoa, whoa. Hold on," he said, trying to get a grip on the situation. "First of all, it didn’t go that far. Nothing…happened, right?"

“It was close,” She admitted. “But no. Sonny, Olivia will kill me if she finds out. She would flip if she found out I got cozy with the counselor…”

Sonny nodded slowly, processing her words. The fact that she was worried about Olivia’s reaction spoke volumes about how seriously she was taking this. He respected her devotion to the job, and he knew how highly her superiors thought of her.

"Okay, first of all, Olivia’s not going to ‘kill’ you. Besides, this isn’t exactly the first time a relationship has happened between coworkers."

“Yeah, but it’s different. It’s…me. You know how she is with me. I’m the youngest on the squad,” She took a deep breath. “If she knew Rafael made a move on me…”

Sonny could see the weight of the situation pressing heavily on her. He understood her concerns.

"I get that you don’t want to disappoint her," he said in a reassuring tone. "The thing is, this whole thing with Barba…you didn’t exactly pursue him, right? He’s the one who made a move. And as far as I can tell, it sounds like it was completely out of the blue for you."

“It…wasn’t really out of the blue,” She confessed. “I mean, I didn’t go in there expecting what happened but…like you said we’re pretty…flirtatious. And I didn’t push him away.”

Sonny chuckled slightly at her confirmation that she hadn’t exactly shut down whatever had been going on between her and the Counselor. He knew they’d had a spark.

“So, let me get this straight: you and Barba have been flirty with each other for a while, and eventually, things got heated in his office. Is that about right?”

Sonny nodded when she confirmed it, the situation starting to make more sense to him now.

"And now you don’t know what to do because you’re worried about your job, your relationship with Olivia, and whatever might happen next with Barba?”

“Right,” She replied. “It happened so fast…I don’t know how I got here.”

Sonny chuckled softly as he listened to her concerns.

"You got here, because you and Barba have chemistry," he said bluntly. "The question is, what are you going to do about it?"

“I don’t know what to do about it,” She read the text from Barba again. “How do you even move forward from something like this?”

Sonny shot her a sympathetic glance, understanding her anxiety.

"Hey, it sounds like you’re feeling a bit out of your comfort zone here, and that’s alright." He said reassuringly. "You’re usually more reserved, and this situation’s a bit more intense than you’re used to. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It could mean that something about Barba really does it for you."

“Yeah, I could’ve told you that. I guess I need to respond,” She stared at her phone. "He wants me to call him later. So he will probably reject me and tell me it was a mistake and it never should’ve happened and then things will be awkward and then I’ll have to leave SVU and then I’m back to making traffic stops-“

Sonny reached over and grabbed her arm firmly, stopping her mid-rant. He chuckled slightly at her panicked ramblings.

"Slow down there," he said, a hint of amusement in his voice. "Take a deep breath. You're getting way ahead of yourself."

“Maybe…” A smile appeared on her face without realizing it. “I’ll just…tell him I’ll call him when I can.”

Sonny chuckled along with her, enjoying the lighter tone of the conversation. He was glad to see that his teasing had lifted her spirits, at least a little bit.

"Hey, you never know," He said with a shrug and a smirk. "Stranger things have happened. Maybe Barba’s completely smitten with you and can’t wait to see you again."

“Alright, alright…” She replied. “One step at a time. Let’s finish this workday.”

Sonny chuckled at her response, sensing her determination to get through the last couple hours of their long workday and not let the situation with Barba consume her. He nodded in agreement.

"You got it," he said, his tone back to business. "I've got your back, no matter what happens next."

___

They returned to the precinct, tying up their loose ends for the day so they could get the day finished. She tried to put Rafael in the back of her mind. She just needed to get through her shift and then go from there. She hoped she would feel better once she and Rafael talked, no matter what the outcome was.

Sonny shot a few glances at her, sensing her attempt to keep her mind off the situation with the Counselor. He knew she was struggling to focus on work when her mind was preoccupied.

As the day came to an end, Sonny casually looked down at his watch and spoke up.

"You know, we're just about done for the day. You…uh…have plans for the rest of the night?"

She gave him a look.

“I’m going to call him as soon as I leave,” She said. “If he’s still at his office, I might swing by.”

Sonny gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder, his eyes filled with genuine concern.

"You're gonna handle this, one way or another." he said, his voice firm and steady.

“Okay,” She nodded. “I’ll text you when it’s over.”

Sonny waved her goodbye, and she didn't waste any time getting out of the precinct. She dialed Rafael's number on the way out of the building.

The phone rang a few times before the familiar voice of Rafael Barba answered on the other end.

“Hey.” His tone was calm and composed.

“Counselor.” She greeted as calmly as she could.

There was a hint of surprise and relief in Rafael's voice as he recognized her on the other end of the line. He had been hoping she would call.

"I wasn’t sure if you’d call." He said plainly.

“Of course I did,” She let out a silent sigh. “Are you…still at your office?”

There was a slight pause before Rafael responded, the anticipation heavy in his voice.

"Yes," he replied. "Do you…want to come by?"

Her heart fluttered, there really was no turning back.

“Yeah, I figured I would come by so…we could talk. I can be there in 20 minutes…”

They sorted out the details before the call ended, and she knew this was going to either be a pleasant or brutal talk. She knew she might be losing one of her best friends by the end of the night. She had never felt more unsure, but she couldn't even deny that maybe she was curious to see how this developed...if it developed at all.

Her mind raced as she made her way to Rafael's office. She thought of every possible outcome in this scenario...the best case, the worst case, and everything in between. She felt the knot of anxiety in her stomach getting heavier by the minute. She laid eyes on her destination and knew it was now or ever. She needed to compose herself and pull it together. She wanted to walk out of this situation with him still an important part of her life.

The building was closed down for the night, all the offices dark and closed...except for his. It was now or never. If there was ever a moment where she felt like she was about to seal her fate...it was right now.

She took the elevator to the floor of his office, her brain actively controlling her breathing to be as calm and slow as possible. Her heart was pounding away, and she wasn't sure if it was the nerves or the knowledge of seeing him again after what had happened.

His office door was closed, but a glow of light was shining from behind the closed blinds on his windows and under the door. She gave a light knock on the door, a slow exhale escaping her as she waited for him to answer.

She heard some shuffling from behind the door, knowing he was undoubtedly trying to quickly straighten up his desk before he allowed her inside. A few seconds passed before he opened the door -- his tired eyes meeting hers with the same look of anxiety and curiosity of what was about to happen. There was no turning back now, and they both felt like they were prepared.

But little did they know, their night was about to get far more interesting than they planned for.

—

Part 2 !

[detectivesvu]

Mike Dodds could come back as a ghost and I would be like, “Cool. Let’s go.”

If Law & Order: SVU brought back Rafael Barba and Mike Dodds and just acted like they’d never left, I would go along with that. I wouldn’t even question it.

[vicarfelix]

Felix Millstone

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

My main blog: @allixiler​

My other side blogs: @detectivehannibal , @detectivesvu​ , and @cowboymorgan​

☆ means smut

✶  means my personal favorites

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

One-Shots

Incompetence - He may not know what the word means, but he knows he loves his Captain.

A Team Matter - The Captain has a lot of stress on her shoulders, but Felix never lets her take all the hits.

At the End of the Day ☆  - Felix can’t help but worry about the Captain when she’s gone....

[thefanficfaerie]

The Weekly Reading list is back as the Reblog Challenge. The list is posted every Wednesday showcasing what stories and art I have seen throughout the week. In the past, there were stories from AO3 on the list. That will not be the case this time unless the link is on a Tumblr post. I also will still not be reblogging stories that don’t have a keep reading.

Day 302 (Oct. 28)

Seraphim Part 11 by @tilltheendwilliwrite Steve Rogers x OFC  Which is your Favorite by by @eternal-sunshine00 Chris Evans Neighbors Part 4 by @thatesqcrush Rafael Barba

Day 303 (Oct. 29)

Festival by @steves-on-a-plane​ Tony Stark  The Invitation by @thatesqcrush Rafael Barba 

Day 304 (Oct. 30)

Halloween Crafts by @steves-on-a-plane​ Tony Stark 

Day 305 (Oct. 31)

Being Alive by @the-hopless-haze Rafael Barba  You’re the One That I Want by @theycallmebecca Chris Evans

Day 306 (Nov. 1)

Surprise by @kittenofdoomage Steve Rogers 

Day 307 (Nov. 2)

No story 

Day 308 (Nov. 3)

Her Everything by @storiesofsvu​ Rafael Barba  A Woman of Style by @detectivesvu Rafael Barba 

[detectivesvu]

Sharing Secrets

Mike Dodds x Fem! Reader Tags: Brief mentions of child abuse. Word Count: 3.6k "I just...hope I haven't completely messed things up."

The air of the SVU victim interview room was completely still.

It wasn’t uncomfortable per se, but it was definitely quiet and not much conversation to fill the air. After all your years at SVU, talking to victims and hearing their stories still stung just as much as your very first day on the squad.

Of course, as time went on and you had more experience under your belt, you were more confident and comfortable talking to victims. You knew that in some cases, you were the only person in their corner. You were the only person who understood what they were feeling and what they were going through. Work experience helped, but it didn’t put even a dent in the way it still made your stomach turn to hear such traumatic events day in and day out.

And certainly, adults were one thing…kids were entirely another.

Too often, SVU was handed cases of kids being assaulted and abused…traumatized and scarred for life. With the adults, you always managed to move on, but kids? Kids’ cases stuck with you forever. Hearing small, meek children tell you that they had been touched or beaten…almost always by someone they knew and trusted. It was impossible to get used to hearing and seeing that every day…it was inconceivable to believe that anyone could lay their hands on a child.

Today was no exception.

He hadn’t hardly said a word since he sat down. He was practically trembling with anxiety as he did everything he could to avoid looking at you and your detective partner sitting directly across from him. If he did sneak a glance, his eyes tended to go to Detective Dodds, who only returned a quick soft smile each time he locked eyes with the 5-year-old.

His eyes were trained on the numerous pieces of paper strewn in front of him, a variety of different colored crayons scattered there as well. He was doodling away with the different crayons, silently dreaming up and sketching multiple pictures as a way of entertaining himself…and distracting himself from the two of you attempting to speak with him.

You and Dodds had been trying to get through to him for nearly half an hour. Each question you asked only earned a meek response and an uncomfortable body movement.

He was scared to death no doubt. Confused as to why two police officers were asking him so many questions that he didn’t want to answer…and even more confused about the situation that landed him here in the first place.

“That’s a really nice picture,” Your voice — soft and full of warmth — spoke to the young boy sitting across from you. “Do you like to draw?”

He said nothing. His eyes — full of fear and yet still so full of innocence — only flickered to you for a moment as a physical show that he had indeed heard your question. His left eye was swollen and a grisly shade of black and blue…evidence of what he had endured that landed him at SVU. His head barely nodded up and down as he set the crayon in use down, his cheeks tinting pink under your gaze.

Mike studied the picture that the child was currently working on. It was no Picasso masterpiece by any means…but even Mike could put together what it was supposed to be.

“Are these your favorite foods?” Mike asked, noting that he could spot a variety of foods that were universally kid friendly.

The child gave another small nod. Eyes now focused on his hands fiddling in his lap. This boy had been through hell and back, so it was no surprise he wasn’t interested in chatting about what foods he liked with two adult strangers. If that boy knew anything for sure, it was that the adults that were supposed to love you could hurt you beyond comprehension…so trusting an adult he didn’t know was not an option unless they gave him a reason to.

It was odd though. The boy had been much more talkative when Sonny picked him up and brought him into the precinct. He hadn’t been a chatterbox by any means, but according to Sonny — the kid wasn’t so clammed up like he was now. Something was making him uneasy.

“Pizza, ice cream, sandwiches…all really good stuff. I like all of that too,” Mike said, trying to establish some kind of common ground with the kid. Mike pointed to one particular image on his picture, a rectangular shape with a symbol on it that he identified to be a certain type of fruit. “Is this a juice box?”

The boy nodded once more, shrinking down into his seat as Mike continued.

“If you want, we can get you a juice box. We have some around here.”

For the briefest moment, the boy perked up. His eyes glimmered just long enough for you and Mike to catch it and know that you were making some progress.

He cowered and shrank into himself again when he locked eyes with you, and that’s when it clicked for Mike.

“Detective,” Mike turned to you, a small, reassuring smile on his face. “Would you get my friend here an apple juice?”

Mike had a look on his face, a look that let you know he had something in mind. You and Mike — a dynamic duo as work partners — understood one another. Your thoughts often flowed together smoothly and with ease. In many ways, your bond went well outside of work. The two of you didn’t just blend together as partners…but as people. If Mike needed you to leave, then you trusted him.

“Sure thing,” You retreated from your chair. “I’ll be right back.”

Mike kept his eyes on the kid, who allowed his own eyes to follow you as you exited the room and disappeared behind the wall. He released a long breath once you were gone, unbeknownst to him that you would be watching from the other side once his promised juice box was retrieved. Mike let the silence simmer for a few minutes, not wanting to immediately start asking more questions.

It wasn’t until the boy snuck another glance at Mike that he decided to try and press further.

“So…let me ask you something. Does Detective [L/N] make you nervous?”

The boy’s wide brown eyes locked with Mike’s for only another moment as he nodded, fiddling with his small hands.

“Can you tell me why she makes you nervous? You didn’t seem to like her being here," Mike asked. "I'm your friend. You can tell me."

The boy was clearly wrestling with himself. Not wanting to give in to Mike’s question…but deep down knowing that he wasn’t here to do anything other than help him. The boy then spoke for the first time in half an hour. The tiniest bit of comfort filled his senses as he finally began to answer Mike’s questions.

“She’s pretty…” He gave the tiniest, shyest grin with a small voice.

Mike couldn’t help himself. His laugh was light and surprised, but genuine. This was the first time he had said anything, and he chose to say that.

You yourself gave a small laugh, cradling the beloved apple juice in your hand to be delivered once Mike made some decent headway in this conversation.

“He’s getting through to him.” Olivia, who was standing to your immediate right, said aloud. “Even if it’s at your expense.”

You shook your head and shrugged, completely unbothered.

“I don’t mind,” You answered. “Mike knows what he’s doing.”

Mike could tell the kid was warming up. He didn’t want to lose momentum now while he was on a roll.

“Is that why you didn’t want to talk with her in the room?”

The boy nodded and surprised Mike by posing a question of his own.

“Do you think she’s pretty too?”

Suddenly, the questioning at your expense was getting a bit personal. Mike shifted in his seat a bit -- he wasn't going to lie to this boy, but he also knew you were listening. Right now, this kid was his priority.

“Yeah, bud. I do.”

The boy brightened up, clearly interested in this ordeal. Mike didn't mind. If it distracted him from what he had been through, then he was more than willing to dish out his personal business.

“Are you boyfriend-girlfriend?” The boy straightened up, now having no trouble keeping eye contact with Mike.

“No, we’re not boyfriend-girlfriend.” Mike chuckled again at the phrasing of the youngster's question.

“Why not?” He tilted his head slightly with curiosity.

Mike's eyes widened at that question, a sly smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He wasn't expecting that question, and it caught him off guard. Mike was too far down the road of this conversation to turn back now. If he lost this kid's trust, they might never really know what was happening to him. He turned his attention back to the child, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

"It's a bit more complicated than that," Mike admitted, trying to maintain his composure. "We're partners...but not the kind that dates."

It seemed that suddenly the boy was very invested in your and Mike’s relationship because he continued to press on like he needed to know for his own personal reasons.

“But if you think she’s pretty, why don’t you date?” He asked. “You like her don’t you?”

Mike chuckled again, amused by the boy's curiosity and keen eye for detail. He leaned back in his chair, contemplating his answer for a moment before speaking.

"Well...you're right. I do like her," he admitted, a smile on his face. "But it's not always that simple. We work together every day...and sometimes," Mike said, hesitating for a moment, "Work can get in the way of things."

“Oh…” The boy said quietly, thinking for only a moment before continuing. “So you don’t like her more than a friend?”

Mike pondered on the question. It really was a difficult one to answer. Because the feelings he had for you weren't just that of friendship. They were stronger, deeper, but he didn't know how to articulate it to a 5-year-old child. He leaned closer to the boy, his voice serious but still friendly.

"I do like her more than just a friend. A lot more," He confessed, his smile still on his face. "But it's a bit tricky when we work together. Does that make sense?"

The boy picked up on Mike’s quiet tone, and he matched his whisper when he spoke next.

“Yeah but…why don’t you tell her you like her?”

Mike was caught off guard again by the boy's insightful question. He shifted in his chair, feeling a pang of guilt and regret in his chest. The simple truth was, he had thought about expressing his feelings to you more times than he could count. But there was always a reason not to.

He sighed, his voice low and conflicted.

"It's not that easy. If I tell her how I feel...it could mess up our friendship."

Mike realized he was probably oversharing with him. In no way was his feelings for you the child's responsibility...but the boy didn't seem burdened in the slightest -- this was the most interested he had been in talking all day. A slight smile appeared on the boy’s face as he leaned over the table, whispering even quieter to Mike.

“I think she likes you too.” He grinned.

Mike kept his expression unchanged, but his heartbeat was beginning to quicken in his chest. He knew there was no turning back from this now. He leaned in toward the boy, mirroring his whispering tone.

"What makes you think that?" He asked in a hushed voice.

The boy shrugged, but his eyes were completely lit up at this conversation.

“I don’t know…” He giggled. “I can just tell.”

Mike knew this conversation was getting way off track. The purpose of this interview was to get this boy to tell him about what he had endured at his daycare center, and how he ended up bruised and beaten — but at this point, Mike figured it was valuable to finish it out.

“You’re a smart kid,” He said. “You can tell me. How can you tell?"

Mike was impressed at how observant and perceptive this kid was. At such a young age, he had an astute sense of things that many adults didn’t even pick up on in their own relationships. The boy scrunched his eyebrows, thinking hard. Mike chuckled at the sight and waited patiently for his answer.

"Well," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "She smiles at you a lot. And she listens when you talk. Like...she really listens."

Mike was speechless. He could tell this kid was observant, but this was beyond impressive. It seemed that this five-year-old was beyond smarter than he was.

“But I won’t tell her if you don’t want her to know you like her,” The boy said. “I promise."

Mike knew that it wasn't a secret anymore, given that you were probably watching from the other side and had heard this entire conversation. Still, Mike admired the kid's loyalty. He leaned forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face.

“Thanks, kid. Let’s keep it just between us for now, okay?”

Mike knew you had to have been watching and listening this entire time. His stomach was in knots knowing that you had just heard him spill his liking for you to a child. He hoped and hoped that this kid was right, and that your friendship and partnership wasn’t over.

As if on cue, the door to the room opened — revealing you with two small boxes of the promised apple juice. The boy shrank into his seat slightly when you entered, but shared a knowing glance with Mike.

Mike's eyes darted from the boy back to you, trying to keep a casual demeanor despite the wave of nerves that washed over him. He could sense the boy's slightly timid behavior as you entered the room, and the knowing glance the boy shared with him was both reassuring and foreboding. He tried his best to act natural, standing up to take the juice box from you and set it on the table in front of the boy.

"Perfect timing, thanks." Mike said, his voice betraying a hint of tension underneath.

She knew Mike was going to try and continue the conversation with the boy now — and get the full story of the abuse he had endured. She wouldn’t be sticking around - just long enough to give him his juice.

“I brought you a second one…just in case you were extra thirsty.” she smiled at the boy, her heart pounding at the new knowledge of Mike liking her so much more than she ever realized. “If you want anything else, let Mike know, okay?”

The boy took one of the juice boxes, unwrapped the straw and punched it into the hole.

“Okay,” He gave her a shy smile. “Thanks.”

The thought of you potentially knowing Mike's feelings for you — the fact that he may have given away his secret to you via a 5-year-old — was almost overwhelming. But he pushed it aside, needing to focus on the task at hand.

As you excused yourself to leave the room, he shot you a quick nod, a silent thank you for the juice and giving him and the kid some privacy.

“Okay, buddy…” Mike said calmly, trying to shift gears. “Can you tell me about your daycare teacher?”

For the next hour or so, Mike and the boy talked back and forth. The boy told Mike all the details of how his daycare teacher abused him and other kids in his class — and gave SVU enough reason to question and potentially arrest her.

Through the boy's detailed and sometimes-heartbreaking account of the abuse he and others had suffered, Mike listened intently, his heart breaking a bit more with every new piece of information. He jotted down notes as the boy spoke, making sure to capture as much information as possible for the investigation. The more Mike learned about the daycare teacher's treatment of the children, the more determined he was to bring her to justice.

When the boy was out of things to say and SVU had enough information, Mike stood from the table and held his hand out to the boy.

“You’ve been very brave and helpful to us,” He said, smiling once more when the boy walked around the table and took his hand. “Thank you for helping us.”

The boy nodded, walking out of the room hand-in-hand with Mike — entering Olivia’s office where you, Olivia, and Carisi were waiting. Olivia wore an expression of curiosity, Carisi looked as if he was about to explode to go tell the entire squad room what just happened, and you were looking at Mike...purely in awe as he stood in front of you.

Mike squatted to meet the boy’s height, gesturing toward Carisi with a grin.

“I need to get back to work now. Detective Carisi is going to take you now, okay?”

The boy nodded again, leaning in to whisper one more thing to Mike before going with Carisi.

“I won’t forget our secret.” He said, and Mike patted his shoulder affectionately.

Carisi took the boy with him, leaving Mike alone with her and Olivia. As Carisi led the boy out of the office -- no doubt going to tell Fin and Rollins about this -- Mike stood up and stood stoically, now facing you and Olivia, his nerves mounting. He avoided your gaze, focusing instead on straightening out the notes he had taken during the interview. The silence in the room was deafening, and Mike's heart was hammering in his chest.

"I'm going to call Barba," Olivia said, which was Olivia's way of saying she was leaving the room. “I'll send Fin and Rollins down to that daycare center."

Mike nodded in acknowledgement as Olivia relayed the news about the teacher, his heart racing even faster at the impending prospect of being alone with you. He swallowed hard, bracing himself for the conversation that was to come. Olivia swiftly left the room, closing the door behind her.

Mike stood frozen for a moment, mustering up the courage to finally look over at you. He took a deep breath, his gaze meeting yours. It wasn't like Mike to be so nervous. Mike was always confident...super focused on work. But right now, he was terrified that your partnership and friendship was ruined.

He could tell you weren’t angry with him or anything of that nature. If anything you looked…relieved.

“So…” You couldn’t help but flash a small grin, his chest fluttering at the sight. “You think I’m pretty?”

Mike let out a nervous laugh, a mix of relief and anxiety coursing through him. Seeing your small grin made his heart skip a beat. He couldn't deny it now - he was about to see the outcome of his confession.

"Guilty as charged," he admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "That kid wasn't wrong."

He paused for a moment, the weight of his feelings for you heavy in his chest.

"I just...hope I haven't completely messed things up."

“Come on, Mike…” You took a step closer. “You know it would take way more than that to mess things up between us.”

Relief washed over him as you took a step closer. The distance between you guys was shrinking, and he could feel the tension in the room growing. He studied your face, searching your eyes for any hint of rejection.

"I was worried that you'd think this completely changed everything." He said, his voice quiet but firm.

"Well…it certainly does change things…in a good way." You smiled.

Mike's head was spinning. This was certainly not how he expected his day to go...and for the first time ever, he was distracted from the current case at hand.

He took a cautious step forward, closing the distance between you guys even further. His eyes searched yours, looking for any sign of doubt. He saw nothing but genuine hope.

"The kid was right after all," You said. "But this is a conversation we can have when we get this case figured out. We need to get him taken care of."

He gave a slow nod, his gaze locked on yours. As much as he wanted to blurt out everything he was feeling, he knew you were right — there was work to be done first.

"You're right," he said, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "We need to focus on the case. But when this is all over…"

"When this is all over..." You finished his sentence for him. "We will see where we go from here."

The promise of "what's to come" overwhelmed him like no other. It had been so long since he had something other than work to focus on. He took another step forward, the urge to be closer to you nearly overwhelming him. But he stopped himself, knowing that until the case was closed, he couldn't act on any impulses.

"Right," He agreed. "How about dinner at my place?"

Your smile grew, and a slight heat rushed your cheeks.

"It's a date."

The matter was put to rest for now. They had work to do and a case to solve. But neither of you could deny that it sat in the back of your minds for the rest of the day. The day had taken an unexpected turn after all, and a most welcome one at that.

Mike was patient, and he knew with a little more time you would be able to see where this would lead.

Although, you both already had a pretty good idea of what that would be.

[detectivesvu]

Exhaustion and Affection

Sonny Carisi x Fem! Reader

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 2.4k

“Of course. You need a decent meal that isn’t just a cup of coffee.”

Sonny hadn’t meant to fall asleep. Sonny was tired. 

He felt the fatigue all the way to his bones as he shuffled to the front door of your apartment. The travel from his office to home had felt like an eternity, and sometimes with New York City traffic, it might as well have been. Sonny had the weekend off (technically – but there was always the chance of the infamous Olivia Benson phone call), and he was desperate for it. The past few weeks had been long for the esteemed counselor. He was strung out and spread thin with work, and he just didn’t have much juice left to give.

He had shed his blazer before he had even left his office for the night, and his tie had been loosened on the cab ride home. His hair that was usually neat and styled was wrecked on his head from his hand running through it throughout the day. He had officially clocked out until Monday morning (or unless prompted sooner). 

Sonny felt a rush of relief when his feet landed at the mat in front of your apartment door. That was his signal that he had indeed made it, and his weekend off had officially begun. He reached for your spare key that you had gifted to him in his briefcase. Sonny felt like he never spent any time at his own apartment anymore.

He rummaged through papers and files before recognizing the cold brass on his fingertips. The key was rather worn for a spare, but it wasn’t surprising considering he used it practically every day. He put the key in the lock and turned it, alarmed when the click didn’t sound. There was hardly any real panic of a response because this was a regular occurrence. 

Sonny scoffed under his breath, tossing the key back into his case and opening the already unlocked door. He entered your apartment, which offered warmth from the cool October air outside. He then noticed a certain smell, one of his favorite smells, that brought an audible rumble to his empty stomach. He closed the door (being sure to lock it behind him), and set his belongings by the front door. He followed the heavenly smell into the kitchen, and he was presented with a sight that nearly catapulted his heart out of his chest.

He saw you standing over your well-used stainless steel pot that was reserved for any and all pasta dishes that you knew how to make. He saw a separate pot with a lid over it, which he knew good and well was a tomato sauce. He knew the smell of good pasta, and he especially knew the smell of one of his mother’s recipes.

He noticed that you were still in your own work clothes, which let him know that you hadn’t been home very long yourself. The clicks of Sonny’s shoes hitting the tile caught your attention, and you turned around to greet him.

You gave him a happy hello, but he decided to get the hard business out of the way first.

“Sweetheart, you gotta start locking the door….even when you’re home.” Sonny warned, and this was not the first time that he had done so. 

“Ah. I forgot. I need to start leaving a note on the inside of the door to remind me until I get in the habit,” You shrugged. “But even then I’d probably forget to look at it.”

“I know this is a well-secured building and all. And I know your neighbors are clean but-”

“-you never know.” You finished his sentence, and he couldn’t help but grin.

“Yeah. Exactly.” 

Sonny’s concern came from a good place. He had seen too many horrific things to not notice the small things that could potentially put you at risk to the evil of the outside world. It only made sense that he was so concerned.

“Now. How about a proper greeting?” You smirked. “Hi.”

“Hey, doll.” He laughed. 

“You’re home somewhat early.” You noted, glancing at the clock that read 7:30 p.m. on the dot.

“I couldn’t take it anymore. There wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait until next week,” Sonny groaned. “Besides, I have the weekend off so why not start early?”

“Mm. Agreed.” You elbowed his side playfully, and he continued to peer over you as you stirred the spaghetti noodles.

“What are you making?” He asked.

“Carbonara. Nothing special,” You shrugged. “I just figured a simple dinner for tonight would be best. If you want something else, I can order takeout for you.”

“No, no. Carbonara is perfect,” He kissed your temple. “Smells great.”

Sonny really was hungry. It seemed that he had fallen into the ways of a real New York criminal prosecutor by skipping meals in order to get more done. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning, and he had used the last of that energy long ago. 

“I hope it tastes okay too. This is only the third time I’ve tried your Ma’s recipe.” You chuckled.

“It was delicious last time. Dare I say that it was….better.” He whispered the last word just below the shell of your ear, and your face ran hot.

“Dominick!” You gasped. “That is nearly blasphemous.”

He laughed a genuine, hearty laugh that brought some life back into his tired body. 

“All I’m sayin’ is that my mother has taught you well.” He snickered. “You need help finishing up?” 

“I don’t think so. Do you want to get washed up?” You suggested. 

“You read my mind,” He joked. “Be right back.”

Sonny left the kitchen and took slow steps to the bedroom. He removed his shoes before stepping on the carpet, setting them next to the dresser so they would be out of the way. His socked feet felt better after being released from the confinement of Sonny’s leather work shoes. They had served him well, but no matter how much he wore them, they still weren’t the most comfortable shoes in the world. 

Sonny’s blazer and tie were officially abandoned on the bed, and he’d be sure to take his jacket to be dry cleaned. He removed his belt and unbuttoned his shirt, stripping his clothes to prepare to change into something more comfortable. He was more than happy to change into a t-shirt and sweats, and he was even more glad that he didn’t have to wear his usual business professional attire until Monday morning. 

Sonny padded into the bathroom, stopping at the sink and turning it on. He lathered his hands with soap, noticing how tired he visibly looked in the mirror. He knew that he had been working hard the last several weeks, so he wasn’t shocked that it had caught up with him. He rinsed his hands and splashed cold water on his face to wake himself up. All he wanted was a good meal and a night of leisure. God knows he needed it.

Sonny returned to the main area of the apartment, his excitement peaking when he saw that you had already plated dinner for him and were just finishing setting the table. Sonny sometimes felt guilty when you doted over him like this. He didn’t feel like he deserved it most of the time, but it made him only adore you more than he already did.

“You’re too good,” Sonny gushed, walking over to you for a quick kiss. “Thanks, doll.”

“Of course. You need a decent meal that isn’t just a cup of coffee.” You told him.

You were always on Sonny’s case about eating legitimate meals every day. You didn’t like when he came home late every day after skipping lunch. And even then Sonny usually only settled on a measly dinner. 

The two of you sat across from each other at your dining room table. Sonny never complained, but he was far too tall for the small table. You had been meaning to search for one that didn’t cause his knees to be pressed up against the bottom of it. Sonny couldn’t have cared less though because he was only focused on the plate of pasta that was screaming his name.

Sonny barely even waited for you to sit before he began to dig in. Sonny was usually very polite and well-mannered at the table, but with the way he was slurping down his noodles – you would’ve thought he’d never been taught dinner table manners. He was chewing through the heat and hardly even chewing before he swallowed. 

“Sonny, honey!” You stopped him from literally choking himself to death. “It’s not going anywhere, and I assure you I’m not going to take it from you.”

Sonny paused to actually chew his current mouthful and took a moment to compose himself before he spoke again. 

“Sorry,” He chuckled, a little embarrassed. “I’m even hungrier than I thought.”

“There’s plenty more. Promise,” You caressed the calf of his leg with your foot from under the table. “How is it by the way?”

“Incredible. As expected,” He smiled. “Best meal I’ve had all week.”

“How would you feel if I told you that I have a coconut cream pie for afterwards?” 

Sonny’s fork his hit plate with a clink, and his eyes went wide with surprise. 

“You’re lying.” He gawked. 

“I swear. I didn’t make it though. I bought it on my way home.” You admitted.

Sonny went quiet for a second. His eyes squinted in thought as he racked his brain. 

“Did I miss something? Not our anniversary, not my birthday, not your birthday….” He listed off.

“Not at all,” You giggled. “I was saving it for tomorrow since I knew for sure you’d be here for dinner….but since you’re here now, I don’t see why we can’t have it tonight and tomorrow.”

Sonny was overwhelmed with love. It wasn’t that you didn’t shower him with affection like this often, but it definitely made it extra special considering he had been so rundown recently. Sonny was happy as could be sitting at that tiny dining room table, enjoying your food, and catching up with you. Sonny had missed seeing you and spending time with you — and it always reminded him how work could drag him away from you.

Once dinner was finished, and your chilled pie was being served, Sonny felt completely at ease. He had absolutely nothing to do until Monday morning, and he wasn’t even sure what to do himself.

“How’s the paperwork coming along?” You asked, scraping the last of the sweet cream from your dessert plate.

Sonny couldn’t help but groan.

“Babe, if you don’t mind, let’s not talk shop tonight,” He chuckled. “Please.”

Sonny’s request hadn’t been an irritated one. If anything, he was amused. He was usually more than willing to talk about work with you (considering that it was a great opportunity for him to vent to someone who could understand), but tonight he wanted to get as far away from it as possible. He was passionate about his work, but even then he could only take so much. 

“I’m sorry,” You laughed. “Just a habit. Do you want more?” You asked, standing to retrieve his empty plate.

Sonny stood from his own chair, refusing to let you clean up alone. 

“No, love. I’m good,” He kissed the crown of your head. “Thank you.”

Sonny helped you with the dishes, washing and drying and putting away to leave the kitchen clean for the night. Cleaning up with Sonny usually took double the time that it should’ve because he had a tendency to get distracted. You found it rather amusing because that was just how Sonny was. When the dishes were cleaned and stored away, Sonny pulled you into his chest for a kiss.

“You’re the best. You know that?” He hummed.

“I’ve been told a time or two.” You smiled against his lips. 

Now that you were looking at him up close, you could see just how weary he looked. The lasting effects of stress were clear on his face.

“You’re tired.” You pointed out, burying a hand in his graying hair to scratch at his scalp.

“Very,” He nodded, his voice gone groggy. “How about a movie?” He kissed you again.

“Sure. Can you stay awake for it?” You asked.

“Very funny. ‘Course I can.” 

Sonny had meant it. He wanted nothing more than to snuggle up with you on the couch under a blanket and spend the rest of the night doing nothing in particular. Sonny felt like he had been stuck at his desk or in the courtroom for weeks. Your apartment felt like the safest place on Earth to him right now. Sonny smiled lazily when you took his hand, prompting him to follow you into the living room. Sonny crashed on the couch, the plush pillows were a celebration to his tired muscles. He needed the rest.

“I’m going to change. How about you pick?” You suggested, offering the TV remote to him.

“Sure. Don’t be long.” He winked.

You tottered off to the bedroom to change into your own lounging attire, leaving Sonny in the silence of your living room. Sonny stared at the black screen of the television. The remote remained still in his hand. He hardly even had the energy to lift his thumb to hit the power button. It seemed ridiculous, but the thought of scrolling through Netflix to find a movie just seemed like too much work to him. 

Sonny was sunken into the cushions, nearly being swallowed by the sofa as he stared at nothing. It was so quiet in the room. So still. So peaceful. He heard you rummaging around in the bedroom, but it was like white noise to him. Before he knew it, his eyelids were growing heavy, and his breathing was reaching a slower pace. Images of the last few weeks danced around in his head. The fast pace of his career had suddenly come to a stop, and he was basking in relief. Sonny had come home to a happy girlfriend who had fed him and taken care of him in his exhausted state. He had never felt more loved. And that was the best feeling to dream about.

When you returned to the living room clad in your most comfortable clothes, you weren’t surprised to see Sonny snoozing. You had a feeling that he wouldn’t have made it long once collapsing on the couch. He worked hard to pursue his passion, and that was something you never got in the way of. It wasn’t surprising that his work caught up to him at times. If anything, it was a reminder of how hard he worked.

It didn’t bother you in the slightest. Sonny needed the sleep.

After all, you knew that he hadn’t meant to fall asleep.

[detectivesvu]

Emotional Support

Rafael Barba x Fem! Reader

Warnings: None.

A/N: This is a fic based on S15 Ep5!

Word Count: 2.7k

“Maybe we should ditch this city.”

He was quiet. Too quiet. 

Rafael Barba was the most sarcastic and talkative man that you had ever met in your entire life. He could talk about anything and everything for as long as his mouth could open and close. It was only natural of course. He was a criminal prosecutor after all. The majority of his job required talking, arguing, and other various forms of discussion. He would even dare to say that he actually enjoyed talking, and that he didn’t just do it for his career. To sum it up, Rafael was a talker. 

So the fact that he had hardly said a word since he had arrived home from work was concerning. 

It wasn’t uncommon for Rafael to straggle in the door without much sound at first. He was often beat when he returned home from a long day of work, and he was usually pretty sluggish until he was able to settle in at home. He’d walk in and set his briefcase and his pocket belongings by the door to be sure to get them when he was to start the process over the next morning. 

He’d disrobe his blazer and remove his shoes to be able to breathe for a few minutes. He would enter the kitchen or living room first, depending on where you were located at that time. He’d offer you a kiss, some days they were longer than others depending on the kind of day he had. That was when he’d sit and chat with you. He would always take the time to catch up with you 

This was the standard procedure for Rafael. It was a routine that he had become accustomed to, and one that he actually quite liked. He found so much comfort in being able to come home to a calm, serene environment so he could rest his fried brain. He never took that for granted, and that was the reason that you first suspected that something was wrong. 

He entered the front door like a twister. The door was shut behind him just as fast as he had opened it. He whisked into the living room without even checking the kitchen first. He made a beeline for his office (that was originally intended to be a spare bedroom) and sat down at his desk -- blazer, shoes, briefcase, and all. 

You had heard his rushed entrance and his movement to his office. It was an immediate tell that something was up, and you wasted no time investigating. Startling him or worsening his behavior wasn’t your intent. The footsteps that you took towards his open doorway were careful and tender as you approached. He already had a spread of documents and files in front of him that he was rustling through furiously. 

It seemed as if Rafael had evidently brought work home with him, which was something that he tried very hard not to do. Home was home. Work was work. He attempted with every fiber of his being to separate the two. Was it a fruitless attempt? Sometimes. Because it was inevitable that the two would mix.

“Hi, Rafael.” You greeted with the most amiable tone you could sound out.

“Hey, mi amor.” He returned the greeting, but didn’t spare you a glance nor a smile. 

Rafael didn’t tell you much about his cases until after they were over. Some of his cases were sickeningly horrifying, and he felt as if telling you afterwards kept you from worrying so much. 

“How was work today?” You questioned, hoping to get an answer to his demeanor without actually asking. 

“It was fine. Just working on this case.” He replied. 

That wasn’t much of an answer at all. That hadn’t told you anything. It was clear that he didn’t want to talk about it with you right now. His tense shoulders and his stiff frame made that very clear. You backed off for now. There was no sense in pushing him.

“Dinner is almost ready if you want to eat before you get too busy,” You offered. “Only if you want.”

The meek tone in your voice actually made him stop and managed to shine through the fog that had clouded his head. He had been brought back down to Earth simply by hearing your voice. He knew that he needed the break and the nourishment, as well as a little time with you. 

He removed his blazer as he stood from his seat and draped it over the back of his chair. His movements had significantly slowed now, which brought you some relief to know that he wasn’t as frantic now. If he was going to spend all night holed away in his office, it would at least bring you some comfort to know that he had a good meal in his belly.

Rafael took himself to the bathroom to get washed up while you set the table for two. The dinner menu for that night consisted of one of Rafael’s favorites. It was a Cuban dish from his childhood that never failed to satisfy him. His mother had given you a copy of her recipe, and with a few successful practice attempts (and a few failed ones) -- you had mastered it. Something in your chest had told you when you had arrived home to prepare that dish for dinner, and now you were glad that you had listened to your intuition. 

Rafael joined you at the dining table with his shirt now untucked and his belt removed. It also looked as if he had run a hand through his hair to tussle it based on the way that it was sitting more loosely on his head. While he looked relaxed on the outside, you could still tell that he was reeling on the inside. This case must’ve really been something to have him worked up.

Rafael didn’t utter a word during dinner. Dinnertime was usually accompanied with an endless stream of conversation, from both you and Rafael. His reluctance to speak made it difficult for you to initiate a conversation. He clearly wasn’t interested in anything but this case that he was plagued with. It was hard to tell how he was feeling. He wasn’t showing much at all.

His eyes never left the food that was in front of him. He didn’t seem to have much of an appetite, because his fork was pushing his food around the plate rather than delivering it to his mouth. He took an occasional bite here and there, but dinner was the last thing on his mind. 

“If it isn’t good, I can call for takeout.” You spoke to Rafael, and his eyes flickered up to yours.

“No, no. It’s great, mi amor. I’m just not hungry.” He replied honestly and with a weak smile.

He waited until you were finished before standing from the table and clearing his placemat to set his dishes in the sink. Rafael never didn’t offer a helping hand in cleaning up after dinner. This time, though, he made a dash back to his office to get back to whatever he was doing. So much for getting him to eat a good dinner.

Once you washed, dried, and put away your plates -- you returned to your previous position by standing in his doorway. He knew you were there watching him, trying to figure it out without asking. Rafael appreciated that you weren’t trying to pry or push him for answers. But he knew that you wanted them, so he would give them.

“Alejandro.” He replied sternly without any context.

There was a pause between his response and your answer, because you didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.

“What?” You asked.

“I keep trying- I just can’t believe it,” He stuttered. “I’ve known this man practically my entire life. W-we grew up together. There’s just- there has to be a mistake.” 

“Hey, hey,” You spoke, suddenly realizing that he was getting worked up again. “Slow down. Tell me what’s going on.”

Rafael swallowed hard as he continued to scan over the photo evidence that he had looked at a thousand times already.

“Alejandro Muñoz. You know Alex.” Rafael clarified.

You did indeed know Alex Muñoz. He was one of Rafael’s childhood best friends that you had met on a few occasions. Neither you nor Rafael were graced with the chance to see him very often. Alex was all wrapped up in the world of politics. Between being a state senator and now being the front-runner for mayor of New York City -- he was a busy man that didn’t have much time for leisurely catching up. 

Alex had been all over the news lately. The election was just around the corner, and Alex had been doing all kinds of events and press for his campaign. He was a huge advocate for fixing the New York City school system, as well as creating more affordable housing. He was a fan favorite, and his success was looking promising. 

For the most part, this election was expected to be a landslide. You didn’t imagine that Rafael’s upset had anything to do with the predicted winner of the election. 

“What about Alex?” You raised a brow.

Rafael didn’t answer your question, but instead posed a question of his own.

“If I were to tell you that Alex could potentially be involved in a sex scandal, what would you say?” He asked.

“No way,” You replied. “Alex would never.” 

“Right. That’s what I thought.” Rafael sighed with frustration, but it wasn’t directed towards you. 

That was when you decided to press him for real answers, because now you felt involved. You fully entered his office, standing at the side of his desk to make him look at you.

“Raf, come on. Tell me what’s really happening here.” You persuaded him.

Rafael sighed again and sat back into his chair. There was no sense in keeping this from you now. Within the next 24 hours, it would be all over the news and you’d find out soon enough. Rafael started his story from the beginning.

He told you about Alex showing up at his office asking for a personal favor for their childhood friend Eddie Garcia who had been accused of rape. Rafael had begun working with SVU through their investigation, and the situation became worse with the more that they found. 

They discovered that the “victim” wasn’t actually a victim at all, and that she had a history of extorting big, powerful men. It became clear that Eddie wasn’t the target at all, but instead it was Alex. 

Rafael explained the explicit photos that Alex was caught red-handed sharing in the middle of one of his events on a fan page website that Rollins had created. Rafael told you how Alex was caught with sexual pictures from a 15-year-old high school sophomore with no real explanation or reason. It was a shock. A sickening surprise that was tearing Rafael to pieces. 

“He believes that I have a vendetta against him. He claims it’s a Wall Street setup to keep him from winning,” Rafael shook his head. “He could be charged with possession.” 

The churning in your stomach wasn’t pleasant. Never in a million years would you have thought that Alejandro Muñoz would be involved in something like this. Eddie and Alex were both in some very hot water.

“So if you go after him now it’s a political hit,” You crossed your arms, looking over the papers on Raf’s desk. “If you wait until after the election, it’s a coverup.” 

“More or less,” He grumbled. “It’s out of my hands now. I’ve turned the photos and evidence over to a special prosecutor.”

“So you’re still involved because…?” You began with hoping that he’d fill in your thoughts. 

He blinked slowly. He was tired, and you could see it. These kinds of cases were never easy and usually much more complicated than other kinds. The fact that the center of the case was one of Rafael’s best friends only made it that much worse. 

“This isn’t over. I gave him a chance to go free, and he likely won’t take it,” Rafael answered. “He’s been my best friend since we were kids. Mami always told me to stay close to him. I just…I just can’t make myself fully believe any of this.”

Rafael was confused as to how this could’ve happened. He was hurt that his best friend wasn’t who he thought he was. Someone that he was motivated by and looked up to was no better than the thousands of internet perverts that Rafael dealt with almost weekly. He felt guilty for doing this, but he also knew he’d feel guilty if he hadn’t done it. 

Rafael was calm again. It seemed that talking about it and retelling it from the beginning had assisted him in putting it all together. The realization and the acceptance was setting in -- and it didn’t feel good. The room was still. Your voice and Rafael’s voice were both hushed and careful.

“It’s...not the first time that something like this has happened.” You said cautiously. 

“It’s not. It happens more than people think,” He agreed. “Alex was just...I never would’ve...”

“I know,” You replied. “Is there something I can do for you?”

He tilted his head slightly, and he offered a halfway upturn of his lips.

“Yeah. Come here.” He extended his arm to invite you to sit with him.

Your feet carried you the two or three steps that it took to meet him at his chair. It took some maneuvering, but you managed to get settled into his lap comfortably. His arms wrapped around you, keeping your chest pressed against his and your head tucked underneath his chin. He kissed the crown of your head with a hum and yet another sigh. He found immense comfort in having you here, and sympathizing with his situation. 

Maybe he should’ve told you about his cases more often. 

“Maybe we should ditch this city.” Rafael’s chest vibrated against the side of your face as he spoke. 

“Yeah. Sure. And go where exactly?” You snorted with knowing that he was completely kidding. You both had far too much tied up in New York City to just up and leave. 

“Wherever we want. I’ve heard that upstate California is nice.” He said

“It’s also on the opposite side of the country. We’re not made for the West Coast.” You remarked.

“Perhaps not. I think we could adjust with time.” Rafael went on.

“That wouldn’t solve anything. You’d only be running away from it with me as a tagalong.” You proclaimed. 

Rafael chuckled at that. He knew that it wasn’t a serious suggestion. Rafael could never leave New York behind. However, it was nice to dream about it every once in a while. 

“Yeah. I know.” He uttered.

The two of you fell into another silence. There wasn’t much else to be said. What could be said? Rafael had just been backhanded across the face with the cold, harsh truth that his lifelong best friend wasn’t at all who he thought that he was. Someone that he admired and idolized was nothing but a slimy creep. Even as a grown adult, that was hard to take. Everybody had been wrong about Alex, and that was what bothered Rafael the most. 

“I think I’m going to settle down for the night,” You shifted in Rafael’s lap to sit up straight, brushing a strand of hair from his forehead. “Come to bed when you’re ready.”

Before you tried to get up, Rafael’s hands squeezed your waist as a request not to leave. His eyes sparkled with desire and anticipation when he looked at you.

“Don’t go yet. Please,” He begged. “Just another minute.” 

The pleading in his expression was unmistakable. He didn’t just want you right now -- he needed you. You obliged to his request and you returned to snuggle against the front of his body. Your warmths were radiating off of each other in the most soothing way. If only you could stay like this forever. 

“I love you,” Rafael professed, encouraging you to raise your head so that he could kiss you. “Thanks for always being there for me.”

“Always. I love you.” You returned. 

Rafael was strong. With time and patience, he would be able to move on. He would heal from this and would learn from it. The day would come where it wouldn’t suck this bad. That day wasn’t today, tomorrow, nor the next day. But it was coming. 

You’d take it hour by hour or minute by minute if you had to. His healing was your priority. 

Until then, you’d be by his side.

[detectivesvu]

Decisions

Rafael Barba x Fem! Reader

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 4.3k

“How are things at home?”

Yet another splitting headache was beginning to creep its way to the front of Rafael’s skull as his eyes remained trained on the mounds of papers piled and spread out in front of him. There was no amount of cups of overly caffeinated coffee that would soothe the ache of his mind. As long as he was sitting at his desk in the ungodly late hours of the night, continuing to prep and stress over this case, that painful pound in his head wasn’t going anymore. 

The pressure in his chest was unchanging, and each sigh that he released in an attempt to relieve it grew heavier and heavier. His jaw was likely to be sore within a few hours due to the way he was clenching it, and his shoulders would be stiff and slow to move from the way they were tensed nearly to his ears.

Rafael was far from comfortable as he sat at his desk, working away to the point that he couldn’t possibly focus on anything else. He practically had tunnel vision, and all he could see was his work. He couldn’t see the fact that everyone else in the building had left long ago and at a reasonable time. Rafael, though, had really only just been getting started.

Carmen had been one of the last ones to leave, and Rafael had noted that she had left just as the sun had set, which gave him about half of a second to process that he was working late.

Carmen was Rafael’s saving grace more often than not. She had been his assistant/secretary long enough that she knew him backwards and forwards. She knew that waiting for him to leave was usually a bad idea, considering that he sometimes didn’t leave his office at night. She had briefly poked her head into Rafael’s office, telling him to text her if he needed her assistance. Rafael had given her a slight wave and an even shorter goodbye, not even breaking his trance as he continued to work himself to death.

That was nearly seven hours ago, but in Rafael’s mind it had only happened within the last half hour. Rafael always seemed to lose all track and any concept of time when this happened. When he fell into this rabbit hole (which happened more often than it should’ve), he had zero comprehension of seconds, minutes, or hours. It never registered in his mind just how much time had passed until he finished his work and took a moment to look at the clock. He let time slip by with ease, and this current case was no different.

The trial was beginning in two days. In the last week, it had become the victim of the media, the news sucking it empty and beating it to death before it even really got started. Rafael was bait for this broadcasted feeding frenzy, and those sharp teeth and aggressive sharks that he often called the media were swimming closer and closer with each passing day.

Rafael had the next 48 hours to prepare his opening statement and to ensure that all of his evidence and witnesses were credible and ready to go. He had a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it. This case had been taking a toll on him...significantly more than cases usually did. He had been drinking his well dry and grinding his bones to nothing more than dust for the possible guaranteed success of this trial. 

Maybe it was because he had lost the last two cases, or because he felt as if his career had hit a dry spell and he was losing his touch. He refused to accept that maybe he wasn’t the best of the best anymore. He was the Rafael Barba. His name was one of Brooklyn’s former and Manhattan’s current best criminal prosecutors that would ever go down in history. He wasn’t ready to give up on himself. 

He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening. Whatever it was, it was taking an explosive toll on himself that was burning him alive.

And it was beginning to affect more people in his life than just himself.

In the middle and in the midst of his descent into paperwork madness, there was one other singular thought that was spinning around on the record disk in the back of his mind. Up until this point, Rafael had been harboring the remorse and keeping the guilt that he felt at bay. He didn’t have time to feel the shame and regret right now. An apology could wait. It could come later when Rafael wasn’t busy with this trial.

But the reason that Rafael couldn’t let it go was because he knew that was wrong of him to think that way.

He hadn’t seen much of you this week. In the last few days, his interactions with you had been slim to none. It had been a half-hearted kiss when he left early in the mornings (if he had even come home the night before), and brief text messages once or twice a day that at least let you know he hadn’t keeled over from exhaustion. 

You knew that a busy and unpredictable schedule was part of his job. It was one of those things that just came with the territory. He maintained a high stress career that dealt with a lot of high stress people and situations. You knew this, and you had become accustomed to it over the last couple of years. He would nearly run himself into the ground until the trial was over, and then he’d bounce back within a few days. He’d work and assemble a few more cases over the course of the following months, and he’d be perfectly fine until the next big case came along. 

It was a monotonous routine that he had gotten himself into. His life had fallen into this rhythm and remained in this steady pattern for so long that he barely remembered a time where he wasn’t working. But it was his life, and he was content with it.

From the get go, you knew that he had taken this new case to heart. You knew he had a streak of losses that was well on its way to forming, and you also knew that Rafael didn’t always take losing well. He would be damned if he allowed himself to lose a third case in a row, and you had watched him get himself to this point. 

You knew that the trial was beginning in just two days, and that now it was crunch time for him. It hurt you to see him like this. It was the worst feeling in the world to know that your lover was so burnt out and so run down. You hadn’t expected him to come home that night, but when 8 o’clock had rolled around and you had yet to hear from him that day, you became worried. The cell phone in your hand felt heavy as you went to pick out his caller ID from your recents folder. Your intentions were purely innocent as you called him, and all you had wanted was to check on him. 

You held the phone to your ear, listening to the ringing on the other line as you waited for him to pick up. He did pick up after the first three rings, but you were NOT met with the greeting that you had anticipated. You didn’t expect him to be all bubbly and in a good mood by any means, but you surely weren’t prepared for him to be angry that you had called to check on him.

Rafael didn’t even allow you to get a word in. He tore into you like he was a hungry tiger on a fresh piece of meat. Just as fast as his finger had slid across the screen to answer, he was unloading a week’s worth of stress, insecurity, and frustration onto you in a matter of seconds, all because you had innocently interrupted him.

Before you could even process anything that he had said, the other line went dead and you were left back in the silence of your living room. Very rarely did Rafael ever get angry with you. Irritated and frustrated, yes -- but the amount of times that he had been genuinely pissed off at you, you could count on one hand. 

This was out of character. Something was definitely not right. Perhaps it was natural instincts or just how well you knew Rafael Barba, but you were certain that he needed you. You spent the next hour getting ready and calling in a late night to-go dinner order to be picked up on your way to his office. You knew this was a bit of a risk, because based on the way that Rafael had reacted over the phone, he was probable to act just as hostile when you got there.

But you were just as stubborn as he was, and at least bringing him dinner and laying eyes on him would offer you some peace of mind. 

So maybe this really wasn’t such a great idea. 

Against your better judgement, your knuckles rapped on the wooden door of his office to alert him of your presence. A few moments passed with no response, and there didn’t seem to be any audible noise coming from inside. That didn’t mean he wasn’t there, however, considering that Rafael was always silent when he worked. You knocked again, a bit louder this time. Another few moments went by with no response. You could see the dim light creeping from underneath the door, letting you know that he was indeed inside. 

Your hand involuntarily went to the doorknob, the cold metal chilling the inside of your hand as you turned it. Pushing gently and quietly, you opened his office door to allow yourself inside. You were met with a dark interior, any source of light being sucked out due to the absent sunshine outside. The lighting was nearly absent, minus the steady burning lightbulb from Rafael’s desk lamp. The warm lighting cascaded over Rafael’s tired body, his features looking so much more aged and run down than usual. 

Any sliver of anger or hurt that you held from his previous behavior was gone in an instant at the sight of him so vulnerably tired. If you were being honest, he looked terrible. The dark circles under his eyes were visible all the way from where you stood at the door and the anxious bouncing of his leg under the desk vibrated his entire body. 

His eyes were glued to the notepad on his desk that was surrounded with crumpled pieces of paper that you knew to be discarded rough drafts of his opening statement. The lined pages of his notepad were nearly blurry at this point for how long he had stared at them. His hand gripped his favorite black ink pen with no intention of letting go anytime soon, scribbling notes and words onto the paper that he was hardly even comprehending. 

Rafael was flying on autopilot, and his years of training and experience were taking over. He hadn’t heard the door open, nor noticed you standing at the front of his office. If you were going to bail and avoid possibly getting screamed at again, then now was your last chance. But you didn’t leave. The thought didn’t even cross your mind.

Because he needed you too much.

“Rafael?” 

His head snapped up at the sound of your voice. The sweet voice that belonged to the woman that he loved most. The woman that had been there for him through thick and thin. The woman who had changed his heart for the better. The woman who had shown him that there was much more to life than he was allowing to happen. 

His saving grace.

He was stunned for a moment from being abruptly brought back from his trance. He stared at you for a moment, noting how you were standing rigidly with anticipation for a reaction from him. He saw the worry in your face, and the desperation of just wanting to help him. 

And suddenly, he felt like a complete jerk.

He realized how badly he had treated you just an hour or so before. He had taken out his feelings on you. He knew that wasn’t fair, because of all the people in his life, you were the one who cared about him the most.

For the first time in hours, Rafael’s shoulders relaxed and his face rested. He released his writing utensil, the cramping muscles in his hand settling as he did so. His entire body gave in, finally allowing itself to rest. That was the kind of solace effect that you had on Rafael Barba. And that was really saying something.

“Mi amor...” He greeted in his softest voice, half in surprise and half in adoration, “You’re here.”

His legs were sore and tense as he stood, considering that he had not been on his feet since before Carmen had left around dinnertime. His calm response granted you access inside, your free hand closing the door behind you as he met you halfway in the middle of his office. Despite his much more amiable demeanor compared to earlier, you were careful with your wording and replies.

“I...I figured you hadn’t eaten yet.” You offered a generous smile, the grip on the to go bag of food tightening.

That was when he noticed the scent of his preferred Chinese cuisine, a personal favorite of his when it came to working around the clock. As if on cue, his stomach rumbled audibly in response to the smell of the food. He was practically starving, because he hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning...and even then it wasn’t much more than three cups of coffee and half of a bagel.

Rafael couldn’t seem to form words. A thank you just seemed so menial. Here you were at his office at God only knows what time of the night, just to bring him dinner to make sure he was taken care of. He owed you much more than a thank you. You deserved so much more than that. No amount of statements of appreciation would ever suffice for all of the things you had done for him. 

Still, words of appreciation fell from his tired mouth.

“Thank you, angel.” He said simply, taking the warm brown paper bag from your hands. He had to say something else to let you know he wanted you to stay. He didn’t want you to leave. “What time is it?” He questioned.

You turned your left wrist to look at your watch, reading the arrows to see where they pointed.

“A little after 1:30.” You announced.

Rafael only groaned. He had known it was late, but he didn’t realize that it was that late. He had lost track of how long he had been working, but it didn’t seem to matter very much at this point. 

Neither of you said anything else. You only continued to look at one another with eyes of uncertainty and avoidance of what really needed to be said. Rafael hadn’t addressed what he had done, and you hadn’t told him how it had made you feel. Was it worth mentioning now? You had forgiven him just as fast as it had happened and he felt a huge amount of remorse for it. But Rafael’s number one rule was that he never, ever let tension go undiscussed or unresolved.

“Have you eaten?” Rafael asked, deciding to work his way up to that conversation.

In your worry about him and then your mad dash to get to his office to follow, dinner had slipped you by. You shook your head at him as a no.

“No, I didn’t eat.” You answered.

“I’ll split mine with you.” He gave his signature half grin.

“Oh, Raf, I can’t. It’s all for you.” You declined, knowing that he needed the energy more than you did. 

“Come on. You know me. I can never finish a whole carton on my own,” He remarked, walking back to his desk and gesturing to one of the chairs in front of it, “Stay with me.”

Stay with me. The words rang into the air and floated around in your head for a few seconds longer than usual. There was so much more weight to them than what was on the surface. Rafael wasn’t telling you to stay. He was begging you to stay.

Because he needed you to be there with him. 

The familiar chair was just as stiff, yet comfortable as it usually was. It was where you normally sat when you visited him at his office, and you had grown to actually quite like it over time. Rafael pushed his work aside, because if he had read the words he had written any more, he might’ve fainted. He opened the bag, revealing three neatly arranged cartons containing one of his favorite dinners. 

He divided the food evenly, giving you half and keeping half for himself. He ate like a starved man, putting a dent into his portion before you even had a chance to take a single bite.

“How’s the case going?” You questioned, stifling a giggle at his ravage eating, “And swallow before you answer. I don’t want you to choke.”

Rafael himself chuckled, swallowing dutifully and slowing his motions to keep from getting food lodged in his windpipe.

“It’s going. I’ve still got a ways to go,” Rafael answered, not even giving his work another look over, “How are things at home?”

Home. Rafael almost laughed as soon as the word left his mouth. Who was he to ask you about home? The place that he should’ve been, but wasn’t. Home had been so under his radar that he hadn’t even given home a second thought. The two of you had worked extremely hard to make your home a safe space. A place of comfort and rest, and a place to safely lay your head down at night. 

But home wasn’t home when you weren’t both there.

Rafael knew he was being unfair. He had robbed you of the full experience of being home by his absence. He was the missing piece of home that he knew that you had been missing. And yet, you cared about him, loved him, and respected him enough to not even utter a single word about it.

“Quiet...lonely,” You admitted, keeping your eyes trained on the fork that you were poking at your food with, “I miss you.” 

His heart shattered into a million pieces. The guilt washed over him like a summer ocean tide. The guilt wrapped around him and squeezed to the point where it was the only thing he could feel. He knew that he could do better than this. He had to do better than this. Even though you had bestowed upon him all the patience that you had to offer, he knew that patience would run out eventually.

And he’d never forgive himself if he let you slip through his fingers.

“Mi amor...” He breathed, setting his own food container down from the sudden lack of appetite, “I’m sorry.” 

On the surface, it wasn’t his fault. His work was beyond important. He valued his job and his career, and you respected those feelings. Rafael had a mission in life to bring justice to those who deserved it, to those who needed the closure. As much of his life that revolved around work, Rafael had always known that his life wasn’t work. The part that was his fault was the fact that he sometimes chose work over the part of his life that mattered more.

And that part was you.

It was a conscious choice that he had to make each time. He had to make the decision of where his time and his attention belonged. Did his energy belong at his office desk, or at home in your presence? It was a choice that he had made over and over again, countless times had he been presented with this choice. And there had been far too many times where he chose the wrong one.

“It’s okay, Raf. I get it.” You looked at him with a gentle smile, but he could see the hurt behind your pools of beauty.

“It’s not okay,” Rafael stood from his desk chair, slowly walking to the front of his desk to be closer to where you sat, “I haven’t been fair to you. You don’t deserve this.” 

Rafael was right in the sense that you would never really tell him how it made you feel. You’d always choose to spare his feelings and be reluctant to speak. The catch was that Rafael knew you. He had learned how to gauge how you felt without you saying it. One good look into your storybook eyes, and Rafael could see the full picture. 

And right now, you were hurt.

“I’m not the only part of your life,” Your foot came to playfully nudge him in an attempt to ease the atmosphere, “I understand that.”

“No, but you are the most important,” Rafael returned, holding his hand out to you, “Come here.”

Your hands slid into one another perfectly, like they were exquisitely molded together for the other. Your skin was still rather chilled from the wintery New York City air outside. His warmth from the safety of his office spread into your hold, the lightest of sighs exhaling from your chest as he guided you up from your seated position. 

He couldn’t fathom how he had gotten so lucky. How had he been graced with the best woman to ever walk into his life? He didn’t deserve you. He wasn’t worthy of your abundance of patience and love. All the things you had done for him and all of the things that you had allowed him to see and experience. He’d never understand how he had been so blessed. And he still sometimes didn’t take the time to be grateful for it all. 

The metal clips of his suspenders were cold on your forearms as they rested just below the tops of his shoulders. His planted hands were firm on your waist, keeping you pulled in close to him to savor the feeling of you.

“Rafael, I’m not mad.” You giggled quietly, pushing a loose strand of hair from his forehead.

“I know, but you should be, angel. You should be absolutely furious with me.” Rafael replied, disappointment in himself written all over his features.

His heart nearly melted at the way your eyebrows knitted in innocent confusion. He was such a fool for letting even a single moment go by without making you feel loved. He had to do better, because he knew that he could do better.

“Why?” You asked.

“Because you deserve more than what I’ve been giving you.” Rafael admitted.

“Oh, Raf. I’m happy with us. I’m happy with you.” You grinned, toying with one of the buttons on his shirt.

You were so much better than him. He’d never let himself forget that. No amount of grand apologies would make him feel resolved for the way he had been acting. All he could do was let you know that he was sorry, and do everything he could to be better to you.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting upset with you and for hurting your feelings,” Rafael apologized, “I’m sorry for not being there.”

Holding a grudge had never been your style, especially when it came to Rafael. You were soft for him, and definitely sweet on him. You could never stay mad at him, if you were ever mad at all. You loved him too much to waste time being petty over something that wouldn’t matter in ten years. You wanted to use all the room in your heart to love him. 

And love him, you did.

“You’re here now. And that’s all I want,” You smiled.

He kissed you then, maybe rather abruptly, but kissed you nonetheless. It was the most meaningful kiss that you had shared in weeks. It was passionate, careful, and amorous. Your lips were supple against his, and your mouths danced together in perfect harmony. He had missed all of you. He didn’t want to have to ever miss you again. 

And he knew that was up to him.

“I love you. I really do.” Rafael professed, his forehead falling to yours.

“I love you,” You returned, “How about we finish dinner and then head home? Or do you need to stay here?”

Rafael knew he shouldn’t have had to think about it, but he did ponder his decision. He really did have a lot more work to do...but he wouldn’t be able to do it efficiently knowing that he had sent you home alone. That would’ve been too far, even for him. 

This was his first step in his whole “be a better boyfriend” philosophy. He wanted to treat your relationship as if it would vanish into thin air if he didn’t take it more to heart. Because he knew, at some point, that would hold true.

Loving you was the easy part. Loving you was what he wanted to do every day for the rest of his life. If he could have it his way, then every hour, minute, and second he would spend wrapped up in you. He knew that wasn’t possible, but he made it his mission to take every chance he was gifted to be with you.

Because you were a chance that he did not want to lose.

“I’m all yours, mi amor.”

[detectivesvu]

A Pause in the Night

Rafael Barba x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Violence. Mentions of death. Profanity. Hostage situation. Mentions of rape.

A/N: So I’m sure that there’s some factual errors in this. I’m not familiar with the whole “what to do when a police officer is being held hostage” thing. This is more for the angsty, romantic drama. So please forgive me if some of these details are a bit inaccurate LOL.

Word Count: 6.4k

“I’ve loved every moment of getting to know your heart.”

It was one of two phone calls that he never, ever wanted to get. 

The first call he never wanted to pick up was one that told him that you had been killed. That was a thought that kept him up at night, and a thought that haunted his dreams. 

The second call that he never wanted to get was the one that told him that you were in an ongoing situation where you could POSSIBLY be killed.

It was something that he tried not to think about, because it was just as unimaginable as it was unsettling. Rafael would admit that he worried about you a lot. Working for the NYPD put you in countless high stress situations, and most of those situations were just as dangerous as they were stressful. He tried not to worry so much, because he knew you grew irritated when he doted over you. A strong, independent, and brave woman was exactly what you were. Handling yourself was no problem, and he knew that. 

That didn’t stop him from totally being concerned.

He thanked his lucky stars that he hadn’t been having a busy day. He would’ve never forgiven himself if he hadn’t been able to pick up the phone that day. The morning had started out as business as usual. You and Rafael were up early to get to work, the two of you going through your morning routines and talking about what your days had in store. Little did you both know that your days would intersect, and be completely flipped on their heads.

He had been sitting at his desk, burning through some monotonous paperwork that he definitely would’ve rather not been doing. The thought of skipping out for an early lunch had been bumping around the back of his mind for the last thirty minutes. He remembered that neither of you had eaten breakfast, and he thought that maybe you could find a free hour or so to get a bite to eat with him.

It was then that his phone rang, just after 11:00 AM or so. Rafael set his pen down to pick up his cell phone, glancing at the bright screen to see who was trying to get in touch with him. Usually, he wouldn’t have been fazed to see that Olivia was calling him. He figured that SVU had picked up a new case and needed him to come into the precinct to hear what they had so far. 

But this time he felt a suffocating feeling of dread that made him instantly nauseous when he saw Olivia’s name at the top of his screen. Your face involuntarily came to his mind, and that’s when a flush of panic surged through him.

Something was wrong.

Rafael heard rushing and chaos in the background of the call. He heard radios, scattered chatter, sirens, and the sound of Olivia’s frazzled voice. Olivia was a relatively calm woman. She was calm, collected, and rarely ever lost her cool. However, Rafael could hear the slightest bit of franticness in her voice, and that told him that something bad was happening. 

“Barba.” Olivia had said the moment she heard the line pickup.

“Lieutenant, what’s wrong?” He asked when the nausea in his gut only grew worse.

“It’s [Y/N].” Olivia disclosed to him.

His blood went frozen, running like an icy stream through his veins. A million thoughts went through his head at once. The use of your name in that tone could mean a lot of things. It could’ve meant that you had been shot or beaten or...

“Liv, is she...?” He trailed off, his throat tightening in refusal to even finish his thought.

“No, no. She’s alive, counselor,” Olivia clarified, “But she’s being held hostage.”

A hostage situation? He was having a nightmare. He had to be. He had to be at home, in bed, and having possibly the worst dream of his entire life. He’d wake up at any moment, drenched in sweat but relieved to see you sleeping soundly next to him. But that thought was destroyed just as fast as it had come when the realization of reality hit him even harder.

You were in trouble. 

Rafael practically rocketed up from his chair, forgetting his paperwork in an instant. He scrambled around his office, snatching his jacket off of the back of his chair and throwing it on haphazardly. Olivia had been light on the rest of the details, but only because Rafael dropped everything to get out of his office and to get to where you were. 

Rafael didn’t even remember getting to the scene. He had tunnel vision the whole way there, and it was quite possible that he didn’t stop at a single red light. His heart was thumping with every pump of blood that ached at his pulse point. His mind was racing and reeling and coming up with a million different scenarios for how this could’ve happened. 

You were always careful on the job. He knew that you took every precautionary step to ensure that you came home untouched and unharmed at the end of the day. This was out of character, because you were the last person he expected to be caught up in this.

Rafael didn’t snap back into the present until he was right in the middle of everything. Just as he had heard on the phone, it was an absolute zoo. It was a fairly suburban neighborhood, definitely not one that you would’ve just been around for no reason. The entire neighborhood was shut down and the street was closed and blocked off, refusing any entrance or exit.

There were swarms of NYPD officers and SWAT teams, most of them waiting around for further instruction. Naturally, SVU was taking the lead on this, but it would be snatched from their hands if things escalated. 

He scanned the sea of people, his feet bursting into a scurry when he spotted Olivia and the rest of the squad. Rafael was trying so hard to remain calm. He knew that panicking wasn’t going to solve anything, and he didn’t want anyone to have to calm him down when you were the one they needed to be worried about. That didn’t stop the worry from filling his voice and being plastered on his face.

“Liv, what the hell happened?” Rafael demanded, his hands trembling so hard that his shoulders had a slight shake to them.

The house was surrounded by cops, so it was a guarantee that whoever you were stuck in the house with wouldn’t be getting away unnoticed. Olivia took a deep breath before she spoke to Rafael, understanding that he was afraid for you. Olivia has suspected for a while that things had turned romantic between you and Rafael. She had questioned both of you gently on separate occasions, and respected your wishes to keep things on the DL. She knew how Rafael felt about you, and she knew that he was losing his mind.

“We’ve been in contact with her. She’s not hurt,” Olivia said first to try to ease his nerves, “Our prime suspect has her hostage.”

“Suspect? She’s in there with your prime suspect?” Rafael questioned, his cheeks flooding red at the mere thought.

Olivia went on to explain how you had gone into the house on a warrant to search the house and to question the prime suspect of SVU’s current case. You and Carisi checked the house, thinking that your suspect was gone. It wasn’t until Sonny exited the house into the backyard when you realized that your suspect wasn’t gone. 

That was when things went sour.

The suspect had attacked you, disarming you and getting you to his mercy. Sonny had heard the commotion, trying to get back into the house, but to no avail. The suspect had managed to barricade all the windows and doors, leaving Sonny with only one option but to get the rest of the squad and the NYPD there as fast as possible. 

Sonny felt terrible. Never in a million years would he have left you in a suspect’s home alone if he had known the threat was still there. Sonny’s guilt wasn’t helped when Rafael pounced on him.

“You never should’ve left her.” Rafael hissed at Sonny, pushing past Olivia to march towards him.

“Barba, we thought it was safe. I never would’ve left her if I had known.” Sonny pleaded with Rafael, his face full of remorse.

“How could you just leave her? You knew how dangerous this guy was. You’re a cop, Carisi. You knew better,” Rafael growled, “If anything happens to her, it’s on you. And I sure as hell won’t let you forget it.”

Olivia mediated the situation, separating Rafael from Sonny. No one was really questioning Rafael’s sudden passion towards your safety, but it definitely raised a few flags to be dealt with later. Fin gave Amanda a certain look, but they knew that now wasn’t the time.

It was true what Rafael said about the suspect being dangerous. The squad had been working this case for several days, and had done extensive research on this guy. He was nothing but filth, and had been accused and linked to at least five reported sexual assaults in the last week. His criminal record went back at least a decade, but it seemed that none of his previous charges had stuck. He had done anything and everything as gruesome as you could imagine.

The worst part was his unpredictability. There was no telling what his next move would be.

“Have you heard from her or the suspect?” Rafael asked Olivia once he was sure that his blood pressure wasn’t going to cause him to collapse.

“He’s been in contact with us on and off. The last call was about twenty minutes ago.” Olivia explained.

Rafael let out a shaky breath, his eyes diverting to the surrounded house before looking back to Olivia.

“Liv, what does he want with her?” Rafael asked, his voice both terrified and infuriated.

Rafael didn’t like the way that Olivia hesitated. Most of the time with hostage situations, the suspect usually wants something of value and only uses the hostages as bait. Most suspects never plan on hurting the hostages. But with this guy, Rafael had a sinking feeling that this guy had nothing but harmful intentions.

“He hasn’t said. We think he’s holding her as a threat to the NYPD.” Olivia answered.

“What do we do to get her out of there? God only knows what he’s doing to her or has already done to her.” Rafael spoke, his words getting caught in his throat as he said them.

Rafael had said the one thing that everyone was trying not to think about. This man was a serial rapist with no remorse. It was a possibility that the unthinkable had already happened. There was no noise coming out of the house, and it was possible that he had assaulted you. 

“You can’t think like that. We need to focus on getting her out alive.” Olivia corrected his thinking.

This was unbelievable. Just this morning, you and Rafael had been getting dressed in your bedroom and chatting about potential dinner plans. Now your life was on the line and he couldn’t do anything but wait and worry. This was the most helpless he had ever felt, and he feared that this morning was the last time he’d ever see you. 

“Olivia, what if-”

Rafael was cut off when Olivia’s phone rang again, your name appearing at the top of the screen. Rafael’s eyes went wide, but he knew that it wasn’t actually you calling. The squad gathered around when Olivia answered, her finger hitting the speaker button.

“Hello again, Lieutenant Benson,” A grisly male voice greeted, “I have to say that your detective here is one tough cookie.”

Rafael suddenly saw red, and if it hadn’t been for Rollins and Fin giving him looks of reassurance, he would’ve gone into that house himself. Rafael was thinking the worst. He was convinced you were dead or close to it. Even if the suspect had a gun that would easily be heard if it were to go off, there was no telling if he had killed you in another way.

“I want to speak to my detective. I need to hear her voice.” Olivia told the man just as she had the last time he called.

The man’s sinister laugh made Rafael’s fists ball up. This man was sick in the head. He was torturing you in more ways than one. Rafael needed to hear your voice just as much as Olivia did. It offered him the shortest bit of relief when he heard your familiar voice.

“I’m alright, Lieutenant. I’m still here,” You croaked, raising your head from being lowered.

Your hands were tied in front of you, and he had backed you into collapsing into a corner of his living room. Your face was bruised and cut in various places, but so far you were relatively unharmed.

The squad released a collective sigh, but one that would build itself back up just as quickly as it had been let go. Rafael’s hands came to his head, his legs wobbling with terror.

“Are you hurt?” Olivia questioned.

“No, I’m not hurt. Lieutenant, I-”

The sudden sound of a hard smack echoed through the phone, and Rafael’s stomach turned cold. 

“You heard her, she’s fine.” The man sneered before abruptly ending the call.

Olivia let out a harsh sigh, her hand falling to her side with her phone in hand.

“That’s the extent of our contact. He calls, lets me speak with her and then hangs up.” Olivia explained.

“The son of a bitch knows he’s done for. He’s just holding on to her to scare us.” Fin piped up, his expression as serious as usual.

“Well, it’s definitely working.” Rafael proclaimed, his chest sucking in a heavy inhale, “Liv, I never should’ve gotten that search warrant. If I hadn’t gotten the warrant-”

“Counselor, you didn’t know this would happen. You can’t blame yourself.” Amanda tried to offer her comfort.

Olivia’s hands came to Rafael’s shoulders, her fingers gripping him firmly. He looked into his eyes, seeing the fear and the terror of what was to come. Olivia knew that he wasn’t one to show his feelings, but she knew how he felt about you. She knew that this was the most scared he had ever been. She knew how it felt to be terrified of losing someone you loved to the hands of another.

“Barba, you have to be strong for her. We’re going to get her out of there, but you have to hang in there with us.” Olivia persuaded him, because the last thing she needed was for Rafael to shut down now.

Her words resonated with him, and it clicked in his mind that it was all hands on deck to get this moving in the right direction. He just wanted to see you again. He wanted to scoop you up and take you home and love all over you until he was reassured that you were okay. But for now, he couldn’t do that. 

He had to hold on to every ounce of hope and courage that he could muster. He hated that feeling. He hated the feeling of being so helpless when the person he loved the most was in danger. He had to put his trust into the squad and the rest of the NYPD to bring you out of this. 

And he hoped that this wasn’t how things would end.

___

Hours had gone by. 10 hours and 12 minutes to be exact. There hadn’t been a peep from inside the house, other than the occasional phone call from the suspect to ensure that you were alive. The calls were becoming less and less frequent, and the squad was beginning to fear that they were about to lose all contact from where they stood.

It had been a painfully long stakeout. It was a waiting game and getting as much information on this guy as possible. With a criminal as dangerous as this one, they didn’t dare try to forcefully enter the house. He was far too trigger happy for them to take a chance on racing that trigger reflex. 

Everyone was tired and had grown impatient, but they weren’t giving up. Not as long as you were alive in that house. There had been longer stakeouts than this, and for you they’d wait as long as it took. It was well into the night at this point. The sunny skies had gone inky black, and the January air had grown colder since the sun had set. 

Rafael had anxiously paced back and forth all day, his nerves never settling once. His mind was stuck on an endless loop of thought, his praying and wishing for you to make it out unharmed being burned into his memory. He was petrified of the thought of living without you. He couldn’t imagine going home to an empty apartment every night and he mentally couldn’t think of walking into the squad room and not seeing you perched on your desk and chatting up a storm with Carisi or Rollins. 

The longer he went without seeing you, the more and more the walls of his life began to chip away. It was suddenly very clear to him that he would be lost without you. His life would change completely without you around. He was growing more and more fearful with each passing minute, and even the squad was getting visibly nervous.

“Liv,” Rafael cracked, “It’s been too long. We haven’t heard from them in almost 2 hours.” 

Olivia knew he was frustrated. Truthfully, she was too. But she knew that the best chance of your survival was waiting the suspect out. He had to give up eventually...or decide that [Y/N] wasn’t worth his time anymore. She sincerely hoped that it wouldn’t come down to the second option, but she knew it was a possibility. 

She just hoped they’d get to you in time before he did something irreversible.

“I know. The snipers are looking to see if they can get a shot through any of the windows. Even if they’re barricaded, there might be-”

Olivia’s phone rang, and the cold air suddenly felt nonexistent. The squad gathered around again when Olivia slid her finger across the screen to answer.

“Lieutenant. You people are persistent.” The suspect grumbled in a way that was both amused and aggravated.

“You know we can’t just let this go. You’ve got one of our own,” Olivia told him, “Speaking of, I want to-”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” The man sighed.

A brief silence filled before your voice was heard.

“I’m still okay, Lieutenant.” You told her, but your voice was gravelly and exhausted. 

You had hardly moved all day. You were still confined to the same corner, your body trembling from the cold. Your muscles were stiff and sore, and your throat was so dry that it hurt to swallow. You were exhausted, and you could see it in the suspect’s eyes that he wasn’t interested in holding you anymore. You knew that he wasn’t just going to let you go. You were far past that point.

“There’s got to be something that you want.” Olivia said to the man, the squad leaning in closer in hopes of there being some sort of negotiation.

You looked at the man with the gun to your temple, his slimy grin and shake of his head was your answer. He didn’t respond to the statement, but he did answer in a different way.

“You know, Lieutenant...this one’s a bit too pretty to be a cop, yeah?” The suspect drawled, “Such a shame she’s wasting her life this way.”

The man ran the barrel of his gun through your hair, the cold metal brushing past your ear as he did so. You cringed and squirmed away from him, desperate to get away. Rafael couldn’t bear to hear any of this, he was already a nervous wreck, and this only made it worse. He was a sickly color, his complexion turning multiple different shades. He couldn’t imagine how someone could do this. No matter how dark and despicable someone may be, he couldn’t process that anyone could be capable of torturing and holding someone hostage just for the sake of it.

Rafael could only (but didn’t want to) imagine what sort of unspeakable things the suspect was thinking about. Sonny, though, seemed to sum up what everyone was thinking.

“That sick son of a bitch...” Sonny cursed under his breath, his face going ghostly white at the insinuation.

Olivia knew she needed to redirect the conversation, and she needed to keep him on the line for as long as possible. 

“[L/N], is there something that he wants?” Olivia asked, hoping she could buy more time.

“No...no, there’s nothing,” You said faintly, “There’s nothing you can do.”

The squad shared concerned looks, because the way you were talking wasn’t normal. Everyone’s behavior changed when you began to speak again.

“Fin and Rollins, you’ve been the best partners to work with. Not a day went by where I wasn’t grateful to have you on my side.” Your voice said, causing anxiety to appear on Fin and Amanda’s faces.

They were all shocked silent, because they were NOT giving up on you just yet. Amanda and Fin scattered to get their vests on, because they knew that Olivia might have to make the call to enter the house and take that risk.

“Sonny, please don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault,” You spoke next, your voice quivering, “I promise you that it’s not your fault.”

Sonny’s eyes brimmed with tears, his throat tightening up and sealing off any chance of any words getting out. His fingers trembled as he secured his vest. You had been a best friend to Sonny, and it destroyed him to know that he hadn’t been there for you. It didn’t matter what you said. He’d blame himself until the day he was six feet under if something happened to you. Sonny began to panic, knowing that this really might be the end.

“Olivia, you’ve been much more than a friend to me. I couldn’t have asked for a better mentor. I owe everything to you,” You sniffed, tears brimming at your tired eyes, “Liv, I...I need you to promise me something.” 

Olivia’s own hands began to shake, because nothing good ever came out of a cop saying their goodbyes when in a situation like this. Olivia knew that you could read the situation better since you were in the middle of it, and that things were about to take a turn for the worst if you were talking like this.

“[Y/N], come on. Don’t give up on us now.” Olivia warned, her tone growing desperate.

“Olivia, please. I need you to promise me that you’ll do something for me.” You spoke into the phone, your head falling against the wall behind you,

There was a brief silence before you spoke again, because Olivia’s silence meant she was granting you permission. You were trying to keep yourself from crying, because you knew that wouldn’t do you any good.

“I need you to tell Rafael that I love him.” 

A hot surge of electricity shot down Rafael’s spine. Olivia, Amanda, Fin, and Sonny looked to him for a reaction. His expression was blank, but his eyes told it all. He knew that he actually might lose you.

And he’d be damned to let another moment go by without telling you that he loved you back.

“[Y/N], it’s me.” Rafael suddenly cut in, not able to hold his tongue anymore.

“Rafael?” You hushed out in a squeak, “You’re here?”

His heart swelled at the sound of you whispering his name. He thought of all the times that his name had rolled off of your tongue: in the moments of a lust, the moments where tempers flared, the moments where your heads hit the pillow every night.

“Yes, mi amor, I’ve been here all along.” He remarked, his own voice quaking with each word he spoke.

“I guess I interrupted the beginning of your lunch break, huh?” You joked, a weak laugh emitting from your chest.

“Oh, I don’t care about that. Just hang in there, princesa.” He said, trying to keep you calm as well as himself.

Rafael’s eyes were heavy, and he knew the tears were soon to come. He didn’t want this to be the end. He always imagined the two of you growing old together, living a simple domestic life to make up for all the years you spent being worked to the bone. This wasn’t part of his plan. This was never supposed to happen.

“Rafael, listen. If this doesn’t go well-”

“[Y/N], please don’t. Don’t start this now, stick with us.” Rafael meant to be stern, but it came out more as a plea.

He cursed you for being so stubborn. If there was one thing that had caused the two of you to collide over the course of your relationship, it was the fact that you were both hard headed. You didn’t fight often, but when you did, the fights were always dragged out because neither of you would allow yourself to give in. He was astounded that even in a life or death situation, you were just as stubborn.

“Raf, this doesn’t end well, I...I want you to know that I care about you. Every moment we’ve shared has changed my life for the better,” The tears welled in your eyes, “I’ve loved every moment of getting to know your heart.”

Rafael felt like his entire life was flashing in front of his eyes. His entire body was over the threshold with panic and fear. He took the phone from Olivia, gripping it so hard that his knuckles went white.

“Baby, you’re going to be fine. I promise you’ll be fine.” He choked on a sob, his lower lip quivering. 

“I love you, Rafael. I always have.” You squeaked out, your breathing getting heavy and erratic.

Rafael didn’t know what to do. He feared that he’d seal your fate if he said it back. Maybe if he didn’t get that closure, then life would spare you. But he knew better than that. He knew that time, life, and fate were often unreasonably cruel. He knew that no matter what happened next, he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t say it back.

“I love you.” He returned with a stream of tears down his cheeks.

And not a second too soon.

The sound of a single gunshot pierced the atmosphere. It rang through the air and filled every set of ears. Everyone went stoically still for a few extended seconds, the SWAT teams going to rush the house. Rafael felt his entire world stop spinning. He felt every atom in his body explode and shatter into a million pieces. 

This wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening. There was no way that you were gone. He was frozen in time, his eyes set on the door of the house. His life was over as far as he was concerned. He knew there was no way he could go back to living the way he had before you came alone. 

He couldn’t spend his life in the same loneliness from before. He’d work himself to death if you weren’t around to remind him to take a break. His purpose for breathing had just disappeared in an instant. The love and the warmth of his soul had just vanished and slipped through his fingers.

Or so he thought.

The SWAT team was stopped in their tracks when the front door of the house slowly opened. All weapons within thirty feet of the front door were drawn, but the order to hold fire was called when no one appeared in the doorway. There was zero light coming from the house, and the open doorway was an entrance to darkness. The only light sources on the street were from the street lamps and the red and blue illumination of police car lights, but there was no way to see inside the house. The squad held their breaths, expecting the suspect to emerge with a snide grin and a boastful expression. But their expectations were not met. 

Because you suddenly appeared into the light.

With glacially slow steps and with your empty hands held up, you exited the house with deep breaths and a sluggish frame. Your face was beaten and cut, and the way you were standing indicated that your side had been bruised. You had puffy, teary eyes and your hands trembled with shock. You looked terrible, but you were the most beautiful sight to see.

You were alive. And Rafael’s life suddenly re-entered himself all at once.

The squad was set into motion at once, their feet running to you to help guide you away from the house. Rafael stood back, still stunned to where his feet were planted. They were all talking at once, but you could still decipher who was saying what.

“You’re alright, [Y/N], you’re okay.” Olivia comforted softly.

“Thank God you’re alright. We’ll get you cleaned up.” Amanda referred to the suspect’s blood on your hands.

“You’re safe, [L/N]. Are you okay?” Fin questioned as he and Sonny carried you to the ambulance on scene.

“[Y/N], I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Sonny apologized, his voice thick with guilt and relief.

You weren’t really registering anything that was being said, because you had yet to hear the once voice that you wanted to hear. You didn’t see him in the crowd of people swarming by you, heading to the house to close it off as a crime scene. You searched frantically for him, because despite your state of shock, you knew that you didn’t make it up that he was there.

“Liv, w-where is he?” You stuttered out, the shock and adrenaline beginning to set in.

Sonny and Fin sat you on the back of the ambulance so you could be checked over. Your watery eyes meeting with the relief that rested in Olivia’s. The medics draped a blanket over your shoulders, which offered some aid for your shivering frame. They cleaned the blood from your hands, as well as the blood from under your nose.

“I’m going to go get him. You stay here, okay?” Olivia assured you, asking Sonny to stay with you.

You looked at Sonny, his eyes wide and worrisome. He didn’t know what to say, but he was thinking anything and everything at once.

“[Y/N], I’m...I’m sorry, I never should’ve left you,” He apologized, taking your now clean hands into his, “I swear I never would’ve left you if I had known.”

Your skin was icy in Sonny’s hold, and the warmth from his was relieving.

“It’s okay, Sonny. We both thought it was safe.” You told him, reassuring that you weren’t at all upset with him.

“I know, I know. But I never should’ve left, even if we did think it was safe.” He went on, his head dropping in disappointment.

“Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I’m okay,” You said again, “If nothing else, we’ll use this as a lesson learned.”

Sonny felt a bit better from seeing your smile, but it didn’t completely rectify things. He wrapped you in a hug, holding you tightly until he was convinced that you were really okay. Sonny knew he owed you big time for this, and he was pretty sure he’d never be able to make it up to you. 

Your eyes suddenly had taken a new focus on the man approaching you. The way he practically shoved Sonny out of the way indicated how badly he needed to touch you.

He felt his heartbeat in his throat when he looked at you. You were battered up something awful, but the steady rise and fall in your shoulders reminded him that you were breathing. You had made it out alive and relatively unharmed. You were safe in his arms. 

Rafael buried his face in your hair, his arms keeping you close to him and offering warmth. Olivia and Sonny tiptoed away to the rest of the squad so they could join the investigation inside the house. They knew that you and Rafael needed a moment alone.

“Rafael, I can’t believe you’re here.” You said once he had pulled away.

“Of course I’m here. I came the moment that Liv called me,” He brushed his thumb over the pad of your bruised cheek, “You look awful.”

You knew that he was only joking, which is why your laugh bursted out suddenly at his comment. Rafael wasn’t the best in tense situations, and oftentimes it was humor that kept him from falling apart.

“You don’t look so great yourself, Counselor.” You returned with a slight giggle.

Rafael looked positively ghostly. He was visibly frazzled, and you could see that he had worried himself sick. It was very slow and gradual, but now that he had eyes on you, Rafael began to feel himself return to normal. The nausea in his stomach was fading away, and his head didn’t feel like it was going to explode off of his shoulders. 

He couldn’t look away from you. He didn’t want to look away from you. If he could have it his way, he’d look solely at you for the rest of his life. Because what he could see couldn’t be taken away from him.

“How did you get his gun from him?” Rafael asked about how you managed to kill the suspect.

“I knew I had to do something. He was going to kill me if I didn’t,” You explained, “I knocked the gun out of his hand and grabbed it before he had the chance to get it back. It wasn’t the smartest move, but...I didn’t see much of a choice.” 

Rafael exhaled, his eyes closing for an extended blink. He couldn’t imagine having to go through that kind of thought process. It was either do nothing and be killed or try something and MAYBE be killed. The odds had definitely not looked good, but by some miracle they had been in your favor. You had escaped from the hands of a serial rapist/murderer. 

“[Y/N], did he...” Rafael tried to ask, but couldn’t manage to get the words out. 

Your eyes flickered before they diverted to the tips of your blood splattered shoes. He felt his heart sink to the pavement below.

“No.” You answered.

Rafael’s hand came to gently persuade your head back up so you were looking at him. He was trying to read your expression, but it was so blank that he couldn’t get anything.

“Are you sure? [Y/N], if he-”

“He didn’t.” You answered again.

Your defensiveness made Rafael nervous. Part of him told him that you just didn’t want to talk about what could’ve happened, while another part of him told him that you didn’t want to talk about what did happen. Rafael was sure that you wouldn’t let something like that go untold, but he wasn’t exactly sure what kind of headspace you were in now. 

You caught his distracted attention, your hands reaching for his. 

“Hey...I’m fine, Raf. I’m really fine.” You told him for one of the many times that night.

His head lolled up and down in a nod as if he were understanding what you were saying. It was hard to miss the way his eyes brimmed with tears again, his throat tightening as he tried to speak.

“You scared me, angel. I thought...we all thought that-”

“Shh. Don’t say it,” You jumped down from where you sat on the back of the ambulance, “This is just one of those things. We just have to get back up and keep marching forward.”

Just one of those things. Being held hostage for 10 hours by one of New York City’s most wanted and most dangerous criminals was “just one of those things”. Rafael was pretty sure that was not in the job description. This was one of those fine print things...the things that no one tells you about until you’re in too deep to back out. 

“You don’t understand. If that had been it for you, I don’t think I would’ve been able to live without you.” Rafael confessed, a tear rolling down the apple of his right cheek.

Your hands came to his face, the cold of the night air stinging his skin. 

“Rafael...” You hushed, “I’m sorry that this happened. I didn’t mean for any of this.”

“I know. It’s not your fault. I just...” He sighed, his hands coming to lightly grasp your wrists, “I love you.”

“I love you. Like I said, I always have.” You smiled, catching him in a shaky kiss.

His kisses were warm and secure, and reminded you once more that you were okay. With time, you’d both recover. You’d return to your normal lives and things would be as they had been. For now, though, Rafael planned on doting you with all of his attention.  

He pulled away from the kiss, catching your head in a more playful manner.

“Promise me that you will never, ever, EVER do that again.” Rafael said half as a joke, but half as serious as he had ever been. 

The chuckle that came out of you was both amused and knowing of the fact that you couldn’t really control the situations that work often got you into.

“I will try not to,” You replied, “Now I really wish we could go home.”

“Soon, mi amor. I don’t think Liv would appreciate me stealing you away after the events of today.” Rafael told you.

He encouraged you to sit back on the ambulance until Liv came back, because he wasn’t sure that it was a good idea for you to be meandering around. He sat next to you, wrapping you back in the blanket and pulling you into his side. He pressed a kiss to the crown of your head, a pressurized sigh leaving his chest when your head landed on his shoulder. 

“I love you.” He whispered in your ear with another kiss.

“I love you too.” You returned with a light grin.

He’d keep you close for the next several days to come. He’d ask you a million times over if you were okay. He’d cater to your every need and grant your every wish. He’d shower you with care, affection, and love until he was absolutely sure that you were okay.

And with time and patience, he knew you would be.

[detectivesvu]

Victorious Silence

Rafael Barba x Reader

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 2.3k

“I don’t mind it. I’m just not used to it.”

Completely silent.

That was the only way you knew how to describe the current state of your living room. The silence was thick, like fresh honey straight out of the jar. You had always heard that the densest silences are often the loudest. You hadn’t really ever given it much thought until now, the lack of noise in the room now creating a certain ringing in your ears that would have been a bit maddening if you had given yourself the chance to actually think about it. Not even the ceiling fan above was turned on to create a sense of a whirring white noise. The room, as well as the entire apartment, was noiseless. 

Total silence.

It was a strange feeling as well, to be in the midst of such quiet. While it was somewhat believable that the inside of your apartment could have managed such peace, it was the outside that you were having trouble getting a hold of. You had been lying there for at least twenty minutes, and you hadn’t heard the first sound from the raging city just outside the walls of your home. 

You hadn’t heard so much as the honk of a car horn, a bicker between salty New Yorkers bumping into each other on the sidewalk, or even the monotonous beep of a construction vehicle. There had been nothing. The silence was all around, and there seemed to be no indication of interruption whatsoever.

And Rafael was loving every second of it.

The past few months had been long, to say the very least. Rafael had been spreading himself too thin, running around trying to build a solid case that would hold up in court. That had always been Rafael’s biggest challenge when it came to work: building a case that was (or at least CLOSE to) bulletproof. As the years had gone on, Rafael was more willing to admit to the toll that it could take on him. His career was not for the faint of heart, and it definitely wasn’t for those who tended to crack under pressure. 

While this case hadn’t exactly caused him to crumble, it was the closest he had ever come to collapsing altogether.

It had hurt your heart to see how this case had affected him. He was running himself into the ground, spending all of his free time working on this case. He had begun to spiral at one point, getting dangerously close to crashing and burning. He stayed holed away in his office, eyes trained on documents on his desk and fingers scribbling away at his prosecutor’s notes. His office very quickly became his second home, but even in the middle of a career defining case, he knew he’d have to go to his real home at some point.

For the duration of the case, home didn’t really feel like home. Night after night he had made a beeline for his office to continue where he had left off. Practically every night he had fallen asleep at his desk, the restless kind of sleep that didn’t offer any kind of recharge or refreshment. 

He barely allowed himself time for meals, and he was practically running on endless cups of coffee and the occasional bite or two of whatever you had stocked in the fridge. You had tried your absolute hardest to help him, to make this process even the tiniest bit easier. You offered to make him his favorite dinner or call in food from his favorite delivery place. You rubbed his shoulders when you could practically see the tension radiating off of them. You spoke sweetly to him when his head fell into his palms because of how badly it was throbbing. 

Most of all, (and the thing that Rafael was most grateful for) you had offered him every ounce of patience that you had to give.

Rafael knew how unfair this was for you. He’d never deny that with every case like this, it swam around in the pools in the back of his mind that he was neglecting your needs. It pained him to know that you had been eating dinners alone and going to bed by yourself at the end of every day because he was lost in his own world. He knew that you didn’t deserve a boyfriend who was possible to become distant at any given moment. And, yet, you never once lost your cool with him.

That had made him fall even more in love with you.

Even though you were patient, you still gently begged him to take a break on various occasions. You pleaded for him to take even a measly ten minutes to stop. It wasn’t out of selfishness, but out of the pure fear that he’d work himself to death. Despite this, Rafael declined each of your requests, continuing to work himself deeper into this God-forsaken rabbit hole.

You couldn’t understand how anyone could want a job like this. The endless hours of work, pouring your heart and soul into a case knowing that it might not produce the outcome that you’re busting your tail for. You swore that Rafael’s hair grew grayer after each new case. It was shaving more and more minutes off of his lifespan with each new trial. You just didn’t understand how he wanted this. But you did understand that this job was his biggest passion.

That was perfectly clear.

So, to say that you were overjoyed when the case was over was an understatement. Rafael had actually slept in your bed the night before the final day of the trial. While you knew that he hadn’t slept well, it offered you a bit of comfort to know that he at least didn’t spend the night curled at his desk. He had left the apartment extremely early, long before you even could subconsciously think about waking up for your own job. He had gotten dressed quietly, tip-toeing around the room to keep from disturbing you.

Even in your sleepy daze, you registered the warm feeling of him leaving a kiss to your temple before he left, whispering a near silent “I love you” before heading to his office for any last minute preparations. You had been a jittery wreck the entire day, anxiously anticipating the news of a decision to be made by the jury. Rafael had mentioned in passing a few times during this whole process that he felt as if it were a 50/50. He felt like the jury could’ve easily gone either way. Those were the worst kinds of cases, because the feeling of being balanced on a tightrope was sickening. The relief that you felt when you received the fateful text from Rafael was indescribable.

We won.

It was short and simple, but it held more weight than you’d ever be able to comprehend. You were thrilled for him, knowing that he had this all behind him and that he could wind down, even if it was just for a few days. He needed it badly. 

You had only just gotten home from work when you got the message, just barely having time to set all of your things down upon entering. You knew that Rafael would be headed home just as soon as he could, so you made it a point to have something ready for him when he arrived.

You got to work in the kitchen, cooking one of his favorites that you knew would satisfy him. You knew to expect him to be completely exhausted. You wouldn’t have been surprised if he had gone to bed straight after dinner, likely to sleep well into the early hours of the next afternoon. 

A smile appeared on your features when you heard Rafael’s key enter the lock from outside the door. A huge congratulations was in order, as well as a much needed sit down chat for him to vent and go on about everything that had happened. You half expected him to come barreling into the kitchen, throwing his things off to the side and excitedly rushing in to tell you all about it. 

But you were pleasantly surprised at his entrance. 

His footsteps were slow, the sound of his keys carefully clattering into the bowl you kept by the door were heard. He entered the kitchen with grace and ease, the softest of relieved smiles was evident on his face. He didn’t speak yet, but his heart melted at the sight of you smiling back at him. 

He approached you softly, and wrapped you in the gentlest hug that he could manage. It was much more than a greeting embrace. It was a desperate one that said nothing short of “I missed you”. Rafael’s face buried itself into your neck, taking in the scent of you that he had longed for. He kept you close when he pulled away, his forehead resting against yours as he finally spoke.

“Hi.” He said just above a whisper.

“Hi,” You echoed, “I’m so proud of you.”

He chuckled, thanking you for the praise and bringing his head back to kiss your forehead. You stayed like that for a minute, just soaking up each other’s presence. Eventually, you interrupted to tell him that dinner was ready for him. It was still hot, and you didn’t want him to wait until it wasn’t anymore to eat. 

Dinner was comfortable, the two of you sitting at the dining room table and talking. Well, he did most of the talking. He told you all the ins and outs of what had happened, right down to the moment that he heard the verdict. It joyed you to hear him be so enthralled with how things had turned out. You never wanted him to be disappointed with himself.

Rafael cleared his plate, which made you feel good to know that he had actual nutrition soon to be absorbed by his body. You washed the dishes quickly, wanting to give your full attention to Rafael. He had retreated into the living room as you did so, and you were a bit...shocked when you saw him lying on the floor of the living room.

He was sprawled out on the floor, almost in a starfish position as he remained there. His breathing was calm and slow as he kept his eyes closed towards the ceiling. You weren’t sure what compelled him to rest there as opposed to the couch or the bedroom, but you were just glad that he WAS resting.

“Rafael, what are you-”

“Shh...” He had interrupted, not once moving or opening his eyes, “Don’t ask. Just come here.”

You did as told, walking over to him and shifting to lie down next to him. The hard floors were cool underneath you, and they were surprisingly comfortable. You didn’t speak a word, and neither did he.

That was how the intense silence had ensued.

Your head turned slowly to the side to peer over at the man you loved, relief washing over you like a wave to see that he was okay. His eyes were still fluttered closed as they had been for the duration of this...experience. He had shed himself of his blazer, draping it over the chair to leave him in just his pants, suspenders and one of his usual work shirts. 

He looked so peaceful and so serene. It was almost a foreign concept to you. Assuming he had fallen asleep, you brought your hand to his face, gingerly tracing your knuckle along his jawline. He had accumulated a beard over the last few months, truthfully being so slammed that he hadn’t even given shaving a thought. It looked wonderful on him, but the extra gray hair was another testament to his stress.

You had missed seeing him like this, in the moments where he wasn’t completely drowning in his career. 

“Don’t worry. I’m going to shave it off.” Rafael suddenly spoke, his voice a bit groggy with exhaustion.

You withdrew your hand, your cheeks growing hot at being caught staring at him. Rafael’s eyes remained closed, but you could see the hint of a smirk on his expression.

“I like it. It suits you.” You told him, leaning up on your elbow to look down at him. 

He laughed under his breath, bringing his own hand to run through it.

“I don’t mind it. I’m just not used to it.” He claimed, his hand setting back down and entwining with yours.

“A little change is always good.” You stated, your thumb dragging along the back of his hand.

“I guess it is.” Rafael nodded with a grin, before falling into another round of silence. 

The two of you sat there for a few moments in the quiet, reflecting and not having the slightest idea what you were going to do the next day. That in and of itself was exciting.

Eventually, Rafael’s eyes opened and he looked at you. His eyes held a certain luster behind their tiredness, the same eyes that belonged to the Rafael Barba that you knew and loved.

“Thank you.” He said in a rasp, his hand squeezing yours just ever so slightly.

You smiled, but quirked a brow at his phrase of appreciation.

“For what?” You queried.

He leaned over, kissing you sweetly and passionately.. 

“For being you.” He clarified, his nose brushing against yours.

Your heart swelled with love and care, knowing that this was how you wanted to spend the rest of your life. Completely wrapped up in the presence of Rafael Barba.

“I don’t know how to be anyone else.” You giggled, careful not to break the mood.

“Fine by me.” He replied, kissing you once more.

And that was how you spent the evening. It was a bit odd to someone on the outside. The two of you lying on the floor of your apartment in extended quiet, sharing the occasional kiss and “I love yous”. But it meant relief and happiness for Rafael.

And for that, you never minded the silence.

[detectivesvu]

Dark and Light

Sonny Carisi x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Language. Mentions of violence. Mentions of insanity. Mentions of rape. Mentions of murder.

A/N: This is based off of this week’s SVU episode. For future readers, it’s Season 22, Ep. 14.

Word Count: 1,037

“I have to say that it’s kind of growing on me...”

“Sonny,” You breathed out, horrified at the state of the side of his bloodied head, “Your head!”

Sonny only set his blazer over the back of the chair in your living room, a casual shrug emitting from his shoulders as he entered. He had expected this reaction after the initial shock of being attacked had worn off.

“It’s actually my ear,” He corrected, “And I’m perfectly fine, doll. He missed my eardrum.” 

You closed the newspaper in your hands with a light rustle, but your current demeanor was anything but light. 

“He missed your- wait, who missed your eardrum? And what was he trying to do?” You gawked, hesitating to touch the bandages around his ear.

Sonny grumbled. Not at you, of course, but at the entire situation. It had taken a massive toll on his day, and for now he just wanted to sit down in the comfort of his home at the very least.

“Can I at least get a kiss first? Since when did you stop greeting me with kisses, baby girl?” He questioned, a sly smirk popping up on his face.

“Since the day that my husband walked in with a hole in the side of his head.” You bantered back, but obliged to his request with a sweet kiss to his lips.

Sonny crashed onto the couch, slinking down and spreading his long legs out as far as they could go underneath the coffee table. Despite the fact that Sonny really wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, he knew that you’d worry yourself over it until he explained. He couldn’t say that he didn’t blame you.

“Does the name Henry Mesner mean anything to you?” Sonny queried, resting one of his hands on your legs once you got comfortable next to him.

“I can’t say that it does. It doesn’t ring a bell. Why?” You admitted, racking your brain of any reason that you should’ve known that name.

“Mesner was put into juvenile detention when he was 10. He turned 18 this year and the court released him,” Sonny explained, “He went on a killing spree and murdered his family, attacked the family that his sister was staying with.”

“Christ...” You cursed, “How did SVU get involved?”

“SVU picked up the case before I was a detective there. Mesner’s first attack after his release happened when he raped and tortured the daughter of one of his psychiatrists,” Sonny answered, “Mesner had been stalking the daughter and then approached Jesse in the park with Amanda...”

You could tell that Sonny was getting stressed out by just talking about it. The vein in his forehead was beginning to show and his cheeks were flushing red. You gently rubbed your hand up and down his arm to try to soothe him, not wanting him to get overly upset.

“How did he get put into detention in the first place?” You wondered.

“He abused his little sister, drowned his friend’s dog, and shot Amaro in a standoff,” Sonny rattled off, “Long story short, he never should’ve been released. He outsmarted all of the psychiatrists there. He’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” Sonny admitted, rubbing the bridge of his nose to try and prevent the incoming headache.

“And your ear...?” You pressed carefully, trying to see how Mesner came into the equation of your original concern.

“Oh, he stabbed me in court today. I guess he was trying to prove that he was unfit to stand trial...despite that he is fit to stand trial.” Sonny went on, loosening his tie around his neck.

“He stabbed you?” You asked, your jaw falling open.

“Well, yeah. How else did you think I got this?” Sonny prompted as if it had been the most obvious reasoning in the world.

“I don’t know, but my first thought certainly wasn’t that you were attacked by a teenage psychopath,” You remarked, eyeing over his injury once more, “I thought when you started working for the DA’s office, you’d be less likely to have stuff like this happen.”

“Life’s full of surprises. Isn’t it, lovebug?” Sonny grinned, lifting his arm to invite you to cuddle up next to him.

“I suppose it is,” You replied, “You’re okay though, right?”

He nodded, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“Yeah, baby. I’m okay,” He confessed, “But if I’m bein’ honest, a night in is really sounding good right about now.”

You giggled as you wrapped your arms around his slender torso, the sound of your laughter bringing some of the weight off of Sonny’s chest.

“Sounds like a plan to me. I was kind of hoping you’d say that.” You admitted.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Sonny questioned, “Another Golden Girls marathon?”

“You know me so well,” You laughed again, not surprised that he was able to dish out your reasoning for wanting to stay home, “But I know it’s not your favorite so we can-”

“No, no, doll. I’m good with that. As long as you’re here then I’m good.” Sonny cut you off, pulling you even closer, “I have to say that it’s kind of growing on me...”

With that, you scrambled for your phone to order a pizza, followed by the remote, turning on the TV and flipping to the correct channel. You maintained conversation, but much happier topics. You caught him up with all the drama you were enduring at work (which amounted to just gossip between coworkers), told him about the new book you were reading, as well as any other menial things that he loved hearing about.

Sonny managed a chuckle to himself. Even after all these years, your innocence always made him smile. You didn’t always see the dark side of things like he did. Sonny had seen his fair share of horrific things during his time working as a detective...and even still as an ADA. He always considered himself to be the darkness and you to be the brightness in the relationship. Polar opposites that just fit so well. He found relief when he came home to you every day. You were his release, his comfort from everything he had seen.

And you’d be his relief from all the things that he had yet to see.

[detectivesvu]

Permission to Rest

__

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Language, Sexual reference.

Word Count: 1,348

“What’s in the news today?”

__

“Hey, Raf?” You called for the second time from where you sat in the living room.

You were curled up on the sofa as you held a copy of the morning newspaper. He often teased you about how you were one of the only people who still read a handheld copy of The New York Times. You just preferred it that way. You were off from work for the weekend and Rafael had been required to take some time off after a long, hard case. It was a relaxing weekend...or at least, it was supposed to be. Rafael could never really leave work at his office, which was why he had a home office and an office office. 

Working from home could be difficult, considering you were always wanting to talk about something. He didn’t mind, he liked talking to you. 

“Yes, mi amor?” He called back from the next room.

You tapped the pencil in your hand on your temple as you continued to brainstorm the final answer to this crossword puzzle you were working on;

“What’s a ten letter word that starts with ‘S’ and ends with ‘D’?” You asked, beginning to feel stumped.

You heard his chair squeak, a sign that he had leaned back in his chair to think. He was silent for a moment before responding;

“Category?” He asked.

“Mode of transportation.”

He was silent again for a bit before replying;

“Skateboard.”

Your face brightened with delight at the solved puzzle that you had spent an hour or so working on;

“Oh! Thanks!” You responded gratefully.

He smiled and shook his head, returning his attention to his work in front of him. You set your pencil aside and thumbed to the next page. The title of the article caught your eye;

East Side Rapist Walks Free After Jury Finds Him Not Guilty: What We Know.

You grimaced at the remembrance of the hard loss that Rafael had taken just two days earlier. He had really taken it hard, considering he had spent so much of his precious energy on it. You scanned the article, recalling some of the details that Rafael had told you about. It was gruesome, violent, and horrifying with what had happened to those poor women. You couldn’t even imagine.

He suddenly entered the room, so you quickly folded the paper and tossed it on the coffee table in front of you. He was clad in sweatpants and a flannel that he didn’t even bother to button up. 

“God almighty, I swear if I never had to go into the office again, I’d be a happy man.” He proclaimed, rubbing his face stressfully.

“You know, you don’t have to work from home. That’s why it’s called a day off,” You corrected; “Most of your stress is self-inflicted.”

He snorted at that. He was a hard worker (a little too hard in your opinion) and he rarely let a day go by where he didn’t work in some form or another.

“Things don’t get done when I’m not busy.” He replied.

“Your gray hairs grow faster when you are.” You fired back, matching his tone.

His jaw dropped slightly, he was amused but a little offended;

“Hey, I don’t have that much gray hair.” He retorted.

You pursed your lips into a smirk. He was usually clean shaven and didn’t let his facial hair grow out more than a little bit of stubble. Whether that was because he didn’t want more gray hair to show or because he just preferred it clean shaven, you weren’t sure. 

You’d been with him for ten years, married for the last seven. But only in the last three or four had you noticed his appearance change. It seemed that the older he got, the harder he worked. Not the other way around. Not that you minded these changes. He was still just as handsome as when you first met him.

“Nothing wrong with a little silver in your hair. I find it rather attractive myself.” You purred.

He was more flattened and sunken into the couch, he looked over at you fully now;

“Is that so? Well, then maybe I should start working overtime to speed up the process.” He smirked.

You laughed lightly, leaning down to kiss him. He kissed back with a happy hum. Maybe he didn’t always love his job, but it afforded him most weekends off, which he was so grateful to have that time with you. He caught a glimpse of the paper on the table, picking it up.

“What’s in the news today?” He asked, opening it up.

“Uh, Rafael. I wouldn’t-”

Before you could finish your thought, his face drained of all color at the headline. He skimmed over the column before you plucked it from his hands. He looked to you with defeat in his eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked, setting the paper off to the side.

He sighed heavily, his shoulders drooping.

“I just thought we had it. I spent so much time on it. It was clear cut...” He said softly.

“You did the best you could. You all did.” You said truthfully.

“I know, I know,” He said, dropping the conversation; “So, what’s on the agenda for the day?” He asked once you pulled away.

A blankness came into your head. You hadn’t really gotten that far;

“Uhh..” You trailed off.

He laughed;

“I like the sound of that. We haven’t had a lowkey weekend in ages.” He praised.

“What happened to your whole ‘things don’t get done when you’re not busy’ motto?” You recalled.

He shrugged;

“Believe it or not, there are exceptions. Baseball games and my lawfully hot wife.” He grinned proudly.

“Oh, well I am honored to be up there with the best of the MLB.” You joked back. 

He blushed at his poorly worded statement, rubbing your leg with care;

“You know what I mean. I’m just glad to have some time off with you.” He claimed.

“Me too. Maybe we’ll finally get around to watching that movie that your mom keeps telling me about.” You suggested.

“Oh my God. Cariño, for the sake of us both, don’t watch anything Mami recommends. I grew up with her and I can confirm that I have watched more terrible films than good ones.” He criticized.

It was true. Rafael’s mother had horrible taste in films. 

“I admire her for trying to advise something notable. We should have her over for dinner tonight.” You suggested differently.

He had moved now to where his head was in your lap, his eyes closed as you ran your fingers through his previously discussed hair;

“Hell no. I just saw her two days ago. Even a momma’s boy needs a break,” He ranted; “You know that all she talked about the entire time was grandkids? That woman has grandchild fever.”

You laughed sweetly;

“Did you tell her that we’ve only been trying for a few weeks?” You questioned.

He scoffed;

“Of course I did. You were right. We should’ve waited until after you got pregnant to tell her, not before,” He confessed; “Because now it’s all she talks about.”

“Awh. Let her be excited, Rafael. She just loves you a lot.” You bantered.

He opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling;

“I know. She’s just a passionate lady I guess,” He ended that conversation, beginning a new one; “Speaking of trying…”

You shook your head;

“No, no, no. It literally hasn’t even been an hour since the last time.” You laughed as he sat up and pushed you into the sofa cushions.

“Alright, so this classifies as a round 2.” He cheekily said.

You laughed as he kissed you, your hands going to the waistband of his sweatpants. He stopped for moment to look at you before continuing;

“I love you.” He purred.

“I love you too, Rafi.”

The kisses continued and the rest of the weekend went by without a hitch. It was a perfectly warm and well deserved break.

A weekend that could warm even the coldest of hearts.

[detectivesvu]

Morning Coffee

__

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Language.

Word Count: 1,644

“I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater.”

__

Waking up to the smell of hot coffee and homemade pancakes was Rafael’s preferred way to begin his Saturday. It didn’t happen as often (or really ever) as he would have liked. He was coming off one of the best nights of sleep that he had ever had, feeling more refreshed than he had in years. 

He was confused for a moment when he woke up, not immediately recognizing the bedroom he was in. He lifted his head from the squishy pillow, only sighing in remembrance when he identified the white, clean sheets of your bed. He had spent the night in your company for the first time the night prior. He would be spending the next week or so off from work. No cases, no evidence to review, no statements to produce. 

He hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with himself.

That’s how he ended up taking you out to a nice dinner and a lovely walk in the park afterwards. You invited him to stay with you for the weekend, figuring that getting away from his office and apartment would do him some good. After watching some cheesy movie and a night of love, Rafael was able to get the best sleep of his life. And now he had breakfast to welcome himself too when he decided to get up. He let out a content groan, and allowed his head to collapse back into the pillowcase for another few moments.

His eyes peered at the digital alarm clock on the bedside table closest to his side. It was 8:00 AM on the dot. He smirked and let out an incredulous laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept later than 6:00 AM. Eventually, the delicious smells coming from your kitchen had tempted him long enough. He sat up in bed to stretch his tense muscles and crack his unpopped knuckles, it was always his first step in getting out of bed every day.

He pushed back the white duvet, wincing at the feel of the cool air hitting his skin. He made his way out of your bedroom, following the aromas of what he knew to be maple syrup and dark roast coffee. His padding feet stopped short when he saw you turned at the stove, clad in his cream colored sweater that he had worn the night before. He felt a heat creep onto his cheeks. He loved this picture.

You sensed his presence, turning around and smiling at him.

“Good morning, counselor,” You said teasingly; “Did you sleep well?’

He returned a grin, continuing his entrance into the kitchen. He gawked at the sight of the buffet you had prepared. A stack of pancakes with syrup, a fresh pot of coffee, bacon, and sliced fruit. It looked almost too good to eat. His rumbling belly proved otherwise though.

“Very well. I have to say that your bed is a hell of a lot more comfortable than mine.” He admitted, resting his hands on the sides of your arms. 

He let his fingertips feel against the familiar material of his sweater. It was one of his favorites to wear this time of year. He liked it a lot better on you though. You flipped the last pancake in the pan, Rafael’s mouth watering at the golden brown disk.

“I just thought that a breakfast that’s more than three cups of coffee might be good for us both. I’m sorry if I woke you, I-”

“No, no, mi amor. Don’t be sorry. I’m partial to waking up this way all the time.” He drawled, his voice still thick with sleep.

He pressed a kiss to the side of your head, just below your temple. He eyed the small, purplish marks on your neck. There were at least three or four of them, he felt a little rush of pride at the sight. Images of last night flashed in his head, almost getting him riled up again. 

You placed the last pancake onto the plate, finishing off the tower of fluffy goodness. You decided not to even worry about the dishes for now. You had all day to get them done.

“Breakfast is served. These pancakes smell heavenly, if I do say so myself.” You humbly bragged, turning and handing him a plate. 

His eyes fluttered in delight as his stomach rumbling audibly this time. He gladly took the plate from your hands, ready to dig in.

“You’re too good to me.” He purred.

You laughed sweetly as he loaded his plate greedily. Poor guy was starving despite the rich meal you had the night before. You were pretty sure he hadn’t been eating well for a while. He let work consume him more often than not. He spent more time in his office than he did at his own home. You hated seeing him run himself dry like this. You didn’t want him to forget how wonderful and exciting life could be. 

The two of you sat at your dining room table that was just large enough for the both of you. Rafael generously lathered his pancakes with butter and poured a stream of the sticky syrup. You kept a giggle to yourself when you saw the way his eyes rolled back into his head at the taste. You were even more impressed at your pancake cooking abilities. It was a home run in your books.

Rafael slowed his ravenous eating after the first few bites. He decided he wanted to savor the taste instead of inhaling it all down like it was his last meal or like he was late to a meeting. He had involuntarily trained himself to consume his meals quickly. His brain and body were always on the go all the time. It was nice to take it slow for once. 

Rafael watched you from over the rim of his coffee cup, sipping the rich beverage slowly. He relished the taste of his preferred morning pick-me-up. He watched your every move. The way you delicately picked up your glass of orange juice and how you carefully cut your pancakes into bite sized triangles. Your entire demeanor comforted him. In just half a year, he had found more of a home with you than he ever had with anyone else. 

His heart did a little happy leap when you walked into the room. His green eyes glowed brighter when he looked at you. He had fallen undeniably in love with you.

You had just stabbed a fresh strawberry onto your fork when you caught Rafael’s stare. You paused, looking to him with curious eyes and laughing nervously.

“What?” You questioned.

He blinked to break his trance, setting down his coffee mug. 

“I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater.” He confessed, his foot nudging yours under the table.

You looked down at the sweater. You had truthfully just grabbed it off the floor when you got up that morning because he had looked so good in it. It was soft, cozy, and reminded you of him. You were still getting used to seeing him in such casual clothing. When you first met him, the thought of ADA Rafael Barba wearing sweatpants seemed foreign. You adored seeing him so comfortable with you.

You sheepishly grinned.

“Oh, I just put it on. It’s super soft,” You explained; “But you can have it back if you want.”

He shook his head, beginning to feel himself get full.

“Keep it on. You look good in it.” He complimented, smiling again.

Your face grew hot, shoveling fruit into your mouth to hide your shyness. He went back into his pancakes with a chuckle, but he would just barely finish them off. You slid down into your chair shortly after, signaling that you couldn’t finish another bite.

“That was so good,” He said, resting a hand on his midriff; “Thanks for making it.”

You stood from your chair, taking his cleaned plate. You leaned down and kissed his head as you passed by.

“Of course. A counselor’s got to eat well. There’s more to breakfast than coffee and contemplation, Rafael.” You address him truthfully.

He gave a sarcastic scoff as he stood and followed you back into the kitchen. He topped off his cup, sipping it again.

“Oh, I know. If I had the time or luxury to afford a meal like this every day then I’d take it. Trust me.” He noted.

You felt sympathetic at that. Everyone who worked as hard as he did deserved something as bare minimum as a decent meal. You had been at a point where things like that weren’t always guaranteed. You knew what he meant to an extent.

“Well, as long as you’ll have me, then I think you can expect that.” You replied.

He set his cup off to the side, standing next to you to assist you in washing the dishes. He hummed thoughtfully.

“I might just take you up on that promise.” He responded jokingly.

You leaned your head on his shoulder, scrubbing your plate gently. 

“Good. You deserve it.” 

He felt overwhelmed with care and love. No one he had ever dated before had taken so much time and spent so much energy on making sure he was taken care of. He could take care of himself surely, but it was nice to let someone else willingly do it every once in a blue moon. He’d never not return the favor, he respected you far too much for that. 

With the dishes clean and appetites satisfied, you had a clean slate for the rest of the weekend. You collectively agreed to lay low and forget about the raging world outside. Rafael knew one thing for sure.

He was one lucky guy.

[detectivesvu]

The Last Piece

__

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 1,705

“It was always you.”

__

He had almost given up in all honesty. Day after day went by, and he didn’t feel any closer to you becoming his forever. Every hour, minute, and second of every day he longed for you. He wished upon every star and silently begged to God that your souls would intersect. His heart beat for you. His heart longed for you. His heart loved you.

But he just couldn’t seem to get that in return. 

Over the years, as your friendship blossomed, so did his admiration for you. He seemed to fall more and more in love with you with every moment of his life that passed him by. Suddenly, you were the source of his every other thought. When he picked up his coffee order at his favorite shop every morning, he recalled your preferred brew of coffee. When he had time to go on a morning run through Central Park, he thought about how you always adored the beauty of the vegetation and man-made nature. 

The longer time went on, however, the more discouraged he felt. He had seen guy after guy enter and exit your life; none of them being the right match for you. He saw the way they didn’t treat you the way you deserved to be. He listened to your disappointment every time a relationship didn’t work out.

It always seemed that you had a new excuse whenever it didn’t work out. It was always “Well, he’s nice but...” or “I just didn’t feel a connection anymore”, but yet you still found yourself in these dead end relationships.

Whenever you came to him after an abrupt end to a relationship, he wanted nothing more than to blurt out how he loved you. How he wanted to spend every spare second of his life with you. He always offered his shoulder for you to cry on, because he’d always be there for you.

He would lie awake most nights, positively exhausted from work but far from sleep, and think about you. He hated how he was letting his life pass him by like this. If he really wanted to, he could go out and find a woman that he cared about. They could get married and have a family, and live a content life. But he knew that wouldn’t be fair.

Because he’d never truly love anyone the way he loved you.

He was beginning to fear that he’d never settle down. No one would ever satisfy him...if they weren’t you. That was his least favorite thing about love. It was the most confusing, draining thing on the planet. He often wondered if it was worth waiting. Should he just accept something that would never be and just carry on through life, always missing the most important piece of his life’s puzzle? When his time came, would he regret waiting around for you, or regret that it never came to be? 

Despite all these burning questions, he still valued the relationship you did have. He liked grabbing a nightcap with you or having dinner after a long day. He enjoyed your presence wholeheartedly. He just wanted there to be something more to it. 

He was shocked when he heard a knock on his office door on a seemingly normal Tuesday night. It was well into the night now, Carmen had left hours ago along with everyone else in the building. Rafael wasn’t ready to go home just yet. At least if he was here, he had his work to keep him silent company. 

His head shot up when he heard the soft rapping on his door. He paused his progress on the paperwork he had been working on. He got up from his seat, his right brow quirked as to who was paying him a visit. Maybe Liv had gotten a piece of evidence in their current case, or maybe Carisi was coming to ask questions about the LSAT. His question was answered when he turned the knob to reveal you standing at his door. 

His heart did a surprised leap. He wasn’t expecting you at all.

“[Y/N]?” He wondered out loud; “What are you doing here so late?”

He noted that you were absolutely drenched in rainwater. He had been so submerged in work that he didn’t realize that it had been raining for at least thirty minutes or so. He could see that your eyes were puffy and red, like you had been crying. 

He unfroze himself and pulled you into his office, closing the door behind you. He took your wet jacket off, ignoring the puddles that were currently seeping into his carpet. He was worried immensely. It wasn’t like you to come to him so late, at his office by any means. Something was up.

“How did you...” He began to ask how you got into the building so late, but he decided he probably didn’t want to know; “Is everything okay?” He asked instead.

You nodded with a smile and a soft laugh, yet a sniffle was audible. Either you were having a huge emotional reaction to something, or you had finally lost your mind. He was a little apprehensive to touch you, but he eventually rested a hand on your arm in a soothing way. A fresh set of tears brimmed your eyes and you didn’t even fight them, allowing them to spill down your cheeks. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m great, actually.” You admitted.

While he was relieved that you weren’t in danger or anything, you sure didn’t look fine. He turned his head to the side in a curious kind of way. His eyes narrowed a tad.

“Then why are you crying?” He queried gently, not wanting to push you further. 

He brushed your dripping hair aside, hating the way it was uncomfortably sticking to your skin. That seemed to be the last thing on your mind. 

“I...I don’t really know, because I’m the happiest now that I’ve ever been.” You explained, giving a small laugh again. 

He was so beyond confused. He had no idea what you were talking about.

“Why, what happened?” He pondered, trying to get you to tell him before his heart exploded with anticipation.

You took his hands into yours, he internally winced at how cold the rain had made your skin. He was looking into your eyes. The very same ones that were so beautiful and glittered as if they had stars trapped inside of them. 

“You. You’re what happened.” You confessed.

In that moment, he felt as if time had stopped. The planet stopped spinning and his heart stopped pounding. What did that mean? Had he done something wrong? If he had done something wrong, then why were you claiming to be so happy?

“I don’t understand...” He prompted you to go on.

You let go of his hands, bringing yours to the sides of his face. He felt a rush of cold flutter through him, but he didn’t care. He was loving the way you were looking at him.

“All those others...I couldn’t love them. I tried so hard to. I did everything that I thought I could to make myself fall in love with one of them, but I never could. I was so angry at myself, because I couldn’t figure out why. But then...it just hit me,” You spoke, Rafael’s lungs weren’t taking in any air as he waited for you to continue; “It was always you.”

The coldness surging through him from your hands converted into a warmth. He was hot all over as his head tried to process what you were saying. His heart, though, got the message much quicker and spoke for him.

“You love me?” He breathed finally.

You nodded again, yet another round of tears flowing from your eyes. His hands were wrapped around your wrists, not letting you remove your hold from his face.

“Undeniably. It’s taken me forever to see. I was so blind to what was right in front of me the whole time,” You described; “You’re the one I’m supposed to love.” 

You knew he loved you. Why else would he be around so much? Why didn’t he ever make an attempt to be with anyone else?

He felt like he was getting smacked with an incomprehensible amount of feelings at once. His heart was soaring for joy, his head was scrambling for what to say, but his lips seemed to have made up their mind. He crashed into yours, passionate and needy kisses were exchanged. He had never imagined in a million years that it would play out this way.

He thought about how every decision he had ever made in his life led him to this moment. If he had made one menial different choice, would this have never happened? Either way, he was glad for whatever choice brought him here. He always thought that he’d eventually come crawling to your doorstep pleading for a chance and begging for a shot at your love.

He never knew that he had it the entire time.

He pulled away first, forehead pressed against yours.

“I love you. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to tell you.” He said, catching his breath.

“I do know. I just hate it took me so long... I just-” You said, feeling a twinge of guilt when he cut you off.

He shook his head, not even caring that the front of his shirt was splotched with water.

“Shh. No, don’t think about that. That doesn’t matter now.” He replied.

You smiled softly, kissing him again. Nothing felt real, but everything felt real at the same time. It was a weird, amazing feeling. You couldn’t pinpoint how this moment felt, other than indescribable bliss.

“Are you saying you want to spend forever with me?” You laughed as he wiped away your tears.

He answered immediately, not missing a beat.

“Forever and more.” 

A new sense of solace was overtaking him now. It was a feeling of pure satisfaction as he felt that last puzzle piece of his life click into place. His picture was finished. He always said that he would know the moment that his life really began.

That moment was now.

[detectivesvu]

The End of the Line

__

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Angst.

Word Count: 1,122

“If you go, then I’ll know you never loved me.”

__

They'd been fighting for hours. Over the course of the night, they'd gone from harsh whispering to ear-splitting screaming. She was furious, and he was enraged. They were both too stubborn to put an end to this fight, but the fight wasn’t what was really about to end. 

He had forgotten about her over the last several months. The woman that he loved so dearly suddenly wasn't his number one priority anymore. He still loved her, make no mistake about that. She still took his breath away when she walked in a room and he still found himself to blush when he talked to others about her. He still wanted her, but she just hadn’t been his #1 for a while now.

He used to make monumental efforts to go out of his way to make commitments with her. By hell and high water he would do everything he could to make that coffee date or dinner reservation. Now it seemed like he never hesitated to call and cancel the second he thought it might not play in favor to his schedule. He had become too comfortable that she’d forgive him. Over and over and over again had she brushed it off and looked forward to the next encounter rather than sulking on the lost one. However, it was becoming more and more difficult to let this go.

She missed him. That was the long and the short of it. She missed the way things used to be. She was tired of eating dinner alone and coming home to an empty apartment day after day. She was sick of only seeing him on the off chance that he had a free minute to spare. He didn’t care for her the same way he did before. It hurt her.

So, here they were. 9:30 PM and they were beginning to feel the strain in their throats. They hadn't reached a compromise, and she was beginning to see that they might not at all. 

“I’ve already said it, Rafael, I’m just tired of being your second choice.” She expressed to him.

He was confused and irritated as to why this conversation had come up. In his mind, he hadn’t noticed the way he had been shutting her out. He didn’t see how she yearned for him. He was blind to the fact that he just wasn’t putting in the effort he was before. 

“You’re not my second choice. You’ve never been a second choice.” He snarled.

“I am your second choice. I'm beginning to think I’m not a choice at all anymore.” You said, feeling your heart sting at your words.

That alone was enough to break you. The thought of not even being worth his love anymore. She still loved him. She was convinced there wasn't anything in the world that could change that, but she still had self-respect and dignity. She knew that she deserved something better than this. Her heart was exhausted and worn out from fighting for someone who wasn’t fighting for her.

“Are you even listening to yourself? What is going on with you?” He growled.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She just wasn’t getting through to him.

“I don’t want this anymore if you can’t see what’s happening here.” 

That got his attention. He froze so hard that it rattled his bones almost. Every muscle from his neck to his feet tensed up at what she was implying. It wasn’t over. It couldn't be over. Was there really something he wasn’t seeing?

“What?” He asked to confirm what he was hearing.

“I can’t do this if this is how it’s going to be. This isn’t how we used to be.” She explained.

She had rocked his world with two sentences. Never in a million years did he see this coming. She didn’t want to end it, but their relationship would never move forward if he didn’t start paying attention to what was important. She had to leave. Maybe, she thought, they would end back up together when the stars aligned again. But until he was able to get his priorities straight and his heart in the right place, they wouldn't last. 

He didn't say anything. He was too shocked to even move. She walked away from him, putting on her jacket and her shoes. His eyes followed her. She wasn’t leaving now, was she? She grabbed her car keys, answering his rhetorical question. 

His head was positively spinning. Here he was, trying to cope with everything that had been going on, and suddenly the love of his life was about to walk out the door. He was still angry. Furious even. He tended to say hurtful things that he didn’t mean when he was angry. He always considered it a fatal flaw. However, this time he regretted his words the second they left his mouth.

He didn’t want her to leave. He wanted this to work. He had become so attached to her in more ways that he could ever understand. He just couldn’t bring himself to fight for her. He couldn’t understand why. Maybe it was the way of him being told that this needed to happen.

Her hand had just landed on the handle of the apartment door when he fatefully spoke. His voice half full of rage and desperation.

“If you go, then I’ll know you never loved me.”

She paused for a moment, looking back at him with sad eyes. He knew he didn’t mean that. She knew he didn’t mean that. Still, he had said it. It made the situation so much worse, and painfully easier for her to walk out the door. Of course she loved him. She adored him the way he adored her. They were soulmates, connected by love and care. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Soulmates weren’t supposed to fall apart this way. She figured that maybe that was why she wasn’t fighting the urge to walk away.

Maybe she knew that they’d end back up together one day.

“Goodbye, Rafael.”

And with that, she opened the door and left him standing alone in the middle of the living room. Any sense of love, care, purpose, or joy seemed to be sucked out the moment the door closed behind her. It wasn’t home without her. He didn’t know it yet, but he had a lot of thinking to do. He had to get himself and his life figured out to where she would always be cared for by him. She was the center star of his galaxy. He had truly lost sight of that. He had to work on himself to get her back.

And he needed to do so before the flame completely burned out.

[detectivesvu]

A Christmas Wish

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Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader 

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 1,093

“I have to do better. You deserve more than what I’ve given. I realize that now.”

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He was a busy guy. She would never deny it and he surely couldn’t deny it. He was always spread too thin, having responsibilities here and there and everywhere. He often was needed by multiple people at the same time, which sometimes meant he had to play favorites. She just wished that he showed that favoritism towards herself a little more often. She didn’t hold it against him when he had to cancel dates or dash out late at night. It wasn’t his fault...most of the time. 

Still, she longed for him more than usual, given that it was the holiday season and Christmas was less than 24 hours away. She just wanted to spend the beloved holiday with her lover, even if it was only for a moment. She had learned to cherish even the split seconds of their interactions, because sometimes they felt few and far between. 

She had expressed to him how she wanted him around for Christmas. She told him how she had been feeling excluded from his life and her only desire this Christmas season was to spend a little time with him. She missed him dearly. She couldn’t hide it from him anymore. He didn’t react the way she expected. He borderline lashed out at her, angry that she felt the need to eject her emotions onto him. He snarled that she wasn’t being fair and making his job harder. He said things that he didn’t mean and things that weren’t true. He was exhausted with frustration and he was taking it all out on the most steady, secure person in his life. The person who, of all people, didn’t deserve it.

He had left their apartment late that fateful Christmas Eve, furious and annoyed. He left her behind, regretful that she had even brought it up. Regardless, it didn’t make what she had said any less true. She longed for him. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but how was she supposed to do so when she could barely get through to him? He stayed holed away in his office for most of Christmas day, desperately trying to divulge himself in his work. However, there seemed to be a common trend that continued to plague his thoughts. 

His beautifully perfect fiancée that was currently spending Christmas home alone.

He found himself pausing every few minutes to think of her. Her dazzling eyes, her gentle personality, the way she cared for him. He had never met anyone quite like her. He was so drawn to her. As in love with her as he was, he was sure quick to brush her off. He suddenly realized just how unfair he had been. He was guilty for the things he said and the way he undoubtedly made her feel. He thought about how his Mami would have definitely smacked him upside the head if she had witnessed the encounter that had gone down the night before. He needed to make things right. No matter what. He glanced at the clock on the wall that read 11:23 PM. He could still make it home for Christmas if he hurried.

He rushed out of his office, grabbing his belongings and coat as fast as he could. It had begun snowing now, the white fluff sticking to the sidewalks of New York. He couldn’t remember the last time they had a white Christmas. He basically ran through the oddly empty streets, desperate to get home to her. The cold was evident on his cheeks, but his adrenaline drowned it out. He only slowed once he got to their apartment door, unlocking it and allowing himself in. He smiled at the sight he saw before him. She was standing at the living room window, a cup of some hot beverage in hand. She was clad in her favorite red sweater, the one she only wore in the month of December. 

His ears were graced with the smooth sound of Silver Bells being played through their home. The only light source coming from the candles around the room. She heard his footfalls, turning around to face him. He felt his heart skip a beat. She looked so perfect. 

“Rafael,” She breathed out, unsure of what to say.

Was he still angry with her? She wasn’t sure and she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out. He set his things down, along with his coat that he hadn’t even bothered to put on before leaving. 

“I needed to see you,” He confessed; “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t say anything, still scoping out the situation. He walked to meet her, the gentle music still faintly playing. She set her cup down, allowing her to rest her hands on his shoulders. He had expected her to be furious with him. She had every right to be. But the way she was holding him now, proved the opposite. She understood that he wasn’t angry with her. She was patient and kind enough to let it go. He grasped her sides, keeping her close. She winced at the icy feel of his fingertips.

“Oh, Raf, you’re freezing.” She said just above a whisper, fluffing his hair to get the remaining snow out of it. 

“It’s okay. I’m used to it by now.” He grinned.

They stood like that for a while before he kissed her. He tasted the hot chocolate that she had been drinking. Of course, he thought to himself, he expected nothing less. She pulled away first, savoring the moment before it passed her by.

“I’ve missed you.” She said, basically repeating what she had told him earlier.

“I know. I’ve missed you too,” He confessed; “I have to do better. You deserve more than what I’ve given. I realize that now.”

She was enlightened by what he was saying. Maybe they did have a chance at a real future. The chance was right under her nose, and she’d be a fool to miss it. 

“I want to have the rest of my life with you,” She admitted; “If only you’ll have me.” She joked.

He laughed lightly, careful not to disturb the moment they’d created.

“Are you kidding? I should be worried about you having me,” He retorted, kissing her again shortly; “I love you. Merry Christmas, cariño.” 

She glanced at the clock for a brief second. 11:58 PM. Looks like he had made it in just the nick of time. 

“Merry Christmas, Raf.” 

They kissed again, leaving her enthralled that she had gotten her Christmas wish after all.