#did a bit more on twt and found out they had a tumblr account and posted art on there of the characters

[horse-shit]

i am. losing my mind

[nyoggets]

Some thoughts on fandom, burnout, process of creation and never feeling good enough.

(it is now 4am and I've given up on sleep)

So I've avoided ever talking about this on twt because? The platform is such a mess, people use it to liveblog their feelings but it's also got that usual socmed feel to it - only show the good, funny, relatable or glamorous stuff.

I like art, obviously. Love it even, it's been the one constant in a life of switching hobbies and obsessions on the weekly. But it's also been so, SO difficult at times. I draw, so gotta share it on social media, right? The first time I shared my art online was when I was 9, on a ratty, now defunct forum.

I don't recall many responses aside from "I don't think she's ever been to the hair dresser". Instagram was released in 2010, and I made the switch, continued to post my drawings in earnest, participating in art contests that were super popular at the time. Obviously I never won any, I was just learning, starting out. Winning wasn't my goal, my goal was to get a spot in the honourable mentions or likes and attention from the bigger artists hosting these. When that didn't work I tried to game the algorithm before I even know what an algorithm was. I also made some friends this way, most of which had a higher follower count despite our (in my mind) fairly evenly matched skill. I entered more contests, I begged friends for collars, I drew things I dislikes because I saw them being popular. Nothing worked, I became obsessed over numbers, a drawing was only worth something if it got enough likes, which it never did. I tried for a while longer, then didn't pick up a pen for almost 2 years.

Eventually, because I just couldn't leave art behind I started again, focusing on original works and punching myself for losing 2 years of practice time. Things were fine, I stayed away from social media aside from Tumblr but never really posted anymore, stayed quiet. Of course, I still resented those artist friends a bit for their ever growing following, but what right had I? I'd given up and spent 2 years moping.

Eventually I got really into Love Live and with it finally a new ship I could sink my teeth into and draw - ChikaRiko. Inevitably, I wanted to feel part of communities again, I didn't have anyone in real life to share my obsessions with. I was very much the weird quiet kid, and as much as I craved being around people, being deaf with my hearing steadily dying away even further without anyone noticing, talking to people was just Hard, so so very hard. But online, where I could read, didn't need to be able to listen? It was easy, besides, my only friends so far had all been online. What's the harm in dipping my toes back into fandom?

So, I created a twitter account, discord, found people to chat and share my art, pretty much exclusively ChikaRiko, with. And things were fine again! People were reacting to what I posted, engaging, asking questions, providing advice. Then... I opened twitter back up, looked at numbers, compared them, and became angry at myself again. Comparison is the thief of joy indeed. Several years ahead, fire emblem three houses comes out and with it dimilix hits me like a sack of bricks (affectionately). Another new ship! And the fandom was active, I could fit in here, maybe! And I'd like to believe I did, if only because the fandom is just so truly relaxed, given my unfortunate decline of my mental health it was probably the only sort of fandom environment I could exist in. Still, I kept comparing myself, kept being dissatisfied with the direction my art was taking. I had all these symbolic ideas, things I wanted to try, wanted to be more like the artists I looked up. Wanted to do my own stuff, original art, instead of confining myself. But any time I did do so the reception was lukewarm at best, nonexistent at worst, so I stuck to fanart that became increasingly removed from the canon. Which, still super fun and honestly we were all just screaming into the void of time between the two years until three hopes came out, delusional fanon felt very much encouraged. Again, loved and still love the general vibe of the dmlx community (stares lovingly at DTF and For Years). But still, I wasn't satisfied with what I was doing, and my motivation to draw at all regularly died off for months at a time, which really isn't ideal when you're trying to feed the all-devouring behemoth that is the algorithm.

This October I tried something I hadn't done since 2018 - inktober. Back when I did it it was just 31 days of increasingly delusional ChikaRiko (are we seeing a pattern here), this time around I wanted to be "self indulgent" and draw only original art, loosely oriented on two lists of prompts. Of course, I didn't finish, still haven't, but I'm only missing a few prompts now. But!!! I've drawn!!! More in these 3 months than I have in recent years, and my ideas aren't slowing down yet, I keep coming up with new ones on the daily. It just feels so, so Good to find joy in art again. Best of all, I felt no need at all to share this stuff anywhere but the small discord server I've been nodding for years, with friends who at this point weren't really expecting art from me that matched their interests. I was finally drawing for me and me alone, so the response was of no importance to me, and the moment I dropped a finished piece I started the line art of the next one. Of course, I'm slowly unleashing everything into the void that is Tumblr and while any notes delight me, the number really doesn't concern me much anymore.

Not that all my fanart didn't spark joy to me! I just have too many things I wanna get out of my head that aren't very fanart compatible at all.

Fandom is weird and wonderful and I don't really remember a time in my life where I wasn't in any fandom at all, but frankly, my mental health and self image is a mess, and most social media actively does more harm than good to me, despite the friends I made.

Either way, I'm finally, finally for the first time in years excited to see what the future brings for me and art, how I'll improve, what I'll draw over the next year.