#didn’t read over it cuz I’m on VACAY

[save-the-villainous-cat]

okokok how abt a wlw vampire villain x human hero. pls cat. DO IT FOR THE GIRLYS WHO ARE GIRLY FOR OTHER GIRLYS!

The blood was dripping down her fingers and even though she couldn’t help but feel relieved, her hand was shaking. It had gotten worse. She had become more violent. The last little traces of her humanity were slipping through her fingers like sand.

It was horrifying. She looked down at the bodies, three bankers in total who’d been on their way to lunch. Her mind couldn’t comprehend how she’d done it.

How she had ripped out their throats to feed on the fresh blood.

“What a mess…” she mumbled to herself as she went through her hair. Her hand was bloody. “Oh, fuck.”

“Leave the bodies to me.” The vampire turned around upon hearing her voice.

She could count herself lucky that her nemesis was beginning to fancy her. One night when she had captured the vampire, the “imprisonment” had turned into an almost three hour long conversation about mortality and the curse of being a vampire.

The vampire guessed she pitied her.

“No…it’s not your job to clean up after me.”

“I offered to get you some blood donations but I failed to deliver them to you on time. This is on me.”

The vampire shook her head. She felt stronger than a few hours ago and yet, her muscles were aching from the fight.

“No, it’s not the same. Blood from a bag isn’t the same. This is my fault. I need to hunt, I need living, breathing prey. Oh God, I’m so doomed.” She felt the frustration crawl up her throat. She felt like throwing up.

“Hey, deep breaths,” the heroine said. She grabbed the vampire’s elbows and turned her away from the bodies. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner but I can guarantee we’re working on this together.”

“I’m a monster.” The vampire hid her face behind her hands. “What am I doing? Why did this happen to me?”

“Hey, sometimes shit happens and you can’t really—”

“I was a normal girl, I had an office job for Christ’s sake. I deserved a good normal, boring life.” She frowned and her lips trembled. “I didn’t want anything extraordinary.”

Suddenly, the heroine took her hands.

“Hey, I know it’s a lot and you’re still getting used to this. But I believe this happened for a reason. I know you will find a way to deal with this and I’ll be by your side the entire time.”

The vampire lowered her hands and looked at their saviour, little fangs peeking through her lips.

“I’m so scared.”

“There’s no need to be. You’re brilliant. You’re—”

The vampire knew why. She knew why she grabbed the heroine, nails digging hard enough into her skin to leave marks. She knew why saliva gathered in her mouth and why she needed to bite her.

The heroine’s pulse had gone wild when they’d gazed each other. The vampire had heard and felt it.

But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t press her teeth into her like she was some kind of meat. She couldn’t do that to her, she couldn’t kill her like that.

Right before her teeth could scrape her skin, the vampire froze.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Her grip finally loosened and the heroine seemed to breathe for the first time. She was blushing and her heart was beating relentlessly.

The vampire could barely keep it together.

“You— you should leave,” the heroine said. “I’ll, uh, report this mess and take care of it. Call me.”

Unfortunately for the heroine, the vampire knew she’d been a little too attracted to that.

[beecherdrysdale]

Hello my bbs, hope everyone’s ok!.

The amounts of screenshots I took for this....

To start: haha I guess brigid and Dylan are in the same car together, but who’s at the front? Like Dylan better keep his hands to himself of Jamie’s gonna get jealoussssss. And it’s gonna be chaotic and quinton is gonna jump out of the car lol. Unless you put quinton upfront with you? Haha yes you ignore them and just talking to quinton hehe.

Brigid I do that as well, so get ready to lose when the light turns green! Kesh also likes to drive fast so it’ll be chaoticcccc.I am banishing Ryan to the back because I would definitely lose concentration. Quinner or Braden are the only ones that can sit upfront. Preferably Quinner so that I can hold his hand🥺 but I love you too braden. There is so much to see while driving in Canada, so frequent stops will be made. Plus the boys love Canada #nostalgic.

Lmao being in the car together would be so fun!!. Haha Dylan and Jamie braiding your hair would be hilarious, like they get into the biggest knot, why do I feel like Ryan would take a picture of it and post it on his insta story and would write “nice”😂 I do wanna see it tho. but like kesh said they would be giving you puppy eyes because they don’t want you to be mad at them, I’m not sure how you would react tho?. Hehe me pulling over, and quinton and devon just redoing your hair, and then I’d make them do my hair as well:). Ok so driving with the windows down and blasting music is good with everyone, I think we would playing all music lol , country for Brigid and Kirby? I think you like country? I’m playing 2000’s music- like a g6 would be so fun to blast in the car. Everyone is just dancing in the car. Some rap will be played for the boys. Kesh what music do you like? Does anyone else have any music suggestions? Haha cozzy, Devon and Braden just being passed out for the drive and literally not waking up to the music. Late night drives are adorable, esp with the make outs hehe.

Ok so we have decided that kesh is the most responsible on the trip which I totally agree with, somebody’s gotta keep us in check. Cozzy is apparently still sleeping, boy must be tired from all those nhl games hehe. Lmao sending Kirby with us, and you yeeling at Dylan not to buy a tv😂. We would so chaotic in the grocery store, like riding in the shopping cart, but also everybody’s racing to get their food, which would be majority of junk food hehe. Honestly we would buy so much food we are literally on a vacay with hockey players who eat a lot haha. The cash register would be shocked. Awww kesh, you being like “kirbs I didn’t even give you that many directions” but him being totally clueless and just trying to kiss you. him being “hmmmm but we didn’t get a tv, and we got some carrots and veggies” lmao I love that kesh please keep writing those.

Haha you got it right, I would be so confused, like how did we get so much food ?! Brigid, you did go overboard but I love it and we will eat our candy :) Dylan bring a ps5 is the funniest shit ever. Food discussion: yes to all of those candies, all dressed ruffles are delish so imma throw in a few bags. Dark chocolate is a must, hehe we should buy fruit and veggies. I don’t think I last that long with junk food hehe. Oo yess we are go a get an Nanaimo bars and poutine :) ooo and BEAVER TAILS . Those are sooo good. I can buy for everybody, esp quinner so that we can recreated that gif of him eating one.

Haha yes, Ryan and I will be there with the non stop chirps. We love them, but still you and Dylan getting 🥵 is 🤌. Hehe yes I mean Dylan h is gorg as well so quinner better work quick lol. Ooo brigid is feeling up some muscles, we love that. But also yes to the straddling and being soft w Jamie. Kesh they are a blushing mess, because they wanna be with Brigid all the time. We are absolutely recreating those wakeboarding lake pics, we have to witness that again- esp you brigid w Dylannnnn. We love some sunscreen and aloe vera.

Thank you, boats are fun! Yess Brigid is sharing the tube with Dylan and Jamie or just making the boys jealous 😏 and me or Ryan would probably make you intentionally fall off the tube lol. Maybe I can get quinner to go with me. Ryan is just waiting for that moment for Quinner to leave to push me in but I would be to quick and grab him as well 😂. Haha brigid needs a break and is just watching us lol. Haha Braden and Ryan pulling pranks on dyl and Jamie we love that. Aww kesh Quinner is being protective and wants to be with me.oh yes, Jamie and dyl staring at Brigid cuz she’s gorgeous in her bikini. We all look hot tho. Kesh is just chilling w kirbs. Lmao “I feel like we should stop Dylan and Jamie before they hurt themselves” and then kirbs being like “Devon is with them, there goes Dylan and Jamie” I love these.

Awww Quinner following me around 🥺 we’d be cute drunks. Ooo yes, Dylan and Jamie getting jealous, but they wanna be constantly around you, so I understand. Clubbing is a success, we are all pumped up w alcohol hehe. Lmao Devon and cozzy trying to get a girl but Ryan and Braden keep foiling their plans 😂 hehe kesh just chilling and wanting to help dev and cozzy but Kirby is to busy watching quinner, also question who is he doing the body shot on?

Yess the locked room would be not a Lexi and Ryan chaos, aw yes I get to know Dylan better:)) I wanna be friends! He he yes he would start getting jealous but then maybe I’d help him get your attention, but we still gotta let you have your Jamie moments🥺

Awww we do love a body positive Queen, y’all are gorgeous !! Haha yes we need a girls day! Some good shopping will be happening, we gotta get Brigid some summery clothes. The guys would be in awe, esp Jamie Dylan and kirbyyyy !!. I do wanna steal their clothes tho. We got so handsy boys over here!. Aww kesh you would looks so cute in kirbs big shirt but also in a bikini.

Yesss Dylan and Jamie are in awe, like she’s gorgeous. Same with Kirby m.

Aww kesh you’re to nice😭 you made me cry. Me abs Quinner!

Ok imma add more gtg to practice

Xo Lexi

okkkk so i’m finally home from school and practice now so i’m ready to respond. i’m taking notes from kesh and adding a keep reading bc this is gonna be longgggg so be warned to anyone reading this

haha yes i’m keeping quinton up front with me bc i don’t want him to jump out of the car lmao. i’m not going to subject him to the possible sexual tension that would be going on in the car if dyl or jamie were in the front. like if one of them were in the front they would just start touching my thigh or something knowing the other one could see it but couldn’t do anything about it. and then i would get distracted from driving and we wouldn’t win lol. so i’m making jamie and dyl sit in the back so they mostly dyl can just yell at me to drive faster so that we win. and then i’ll just chill and talk to quinton bc i want to annoy the other two lol

haha don’t worry, me and dyl (and jamie and quinton) will dominate once again. like you guys might drive fast, but i can guarantee i drive faster. especially if dyl is yelling at me to go faster lol. haha but yes you’ll definitely have a better chance if you banish ryan to the back so he can’t distract you. so you let quinner sit in the front with you and hold your hand 🥺 but as soon as he tries to put it anywhere else you banish him to the back so you don’t get distracted lol. but we would definitely have to make a bunch of stops for the boys bc they’re back in canada

haha yes dyl and jamie try, they really do, but they can not seem to get the whole braiding thing down. and then it ends up in a huge knot and ofc ryan just laughs at my misfortune and takes pics of my hair to post on his story. haha and i’d pretend to be soooo mad at them, and i can be scary when i’m mad so they’d be freaking out and just giving me puppy eyes and being like i’m sorry i’ll make it up to you. but then eventually i can’t keep up the act anymore and just start dying of laughter and then they would be annoyed bc they were freaking out lol. but then we have to stop so that our hair can be fixed.

yesss i love driving with the windows down absolutely blasting music and then whenever you drive past someone they just turn and look at you lol. i’m really into rap and i feel like a lot of the guys are too, so we have to have a lot of rap lol. and then country for kirby and i like country too, so i’m down with that. and then for lexi we have early 2000s music, which i also like and i feel like the guys would be down with that judging by the fact that they played it in the locker room at wjc lol. kesh any other music suggestions? and somehow even tho the music blasting cozzy, devon, and braden are just out, like nothing is waking them up. omg yes late night drives are so cute 🥰 esp with a make out sesh lol

haha yes, kesh is definitely the most responsible one, bc most of the rest of us just have sm crackhead energy it’s unbelievable. somehow cozzy is still sleeping, like how? idk, but then he’s not coming with and neither is kesh so she sends kirby as the responsible one, and let’s just say that doesn’t end too well. haha us getting a million things, and then i, for once being somewhat responsible, say no we’re not buying a tv or a ps5, that’s so expensive. and they’re just like, but babe we have our nhl salaries, we can pay for it, so then i give in lmao. and everyone in the store would just be judging us bc we would be so chaotic and be running all over the store lol. and riding in the cart too lmao. and then we also have a shit ton of food and the cashier is just like wtf, but yk it’s fine. like we would have sm candy and chips, and then we would also get poutine and nanaimo bars and beaver tails. omg i want to try beaver tails soooo bad they sound so good. and then we can recreate the quinner gif lmao. but then we also have to have at least a little healthy food so we feel better about ourselves since we’re all athletes who are supposed to be following diets lmao

haha yes you and ryan would be chirping everyone for literally everything. but mostly me with dylan and jamie lmao. like literally anytime i even touch one of them you guys are all over us, and i’m just like whatever, but the guys are blushing sooo hard lol. but then since i don’t care i keep doing whatever, so like putting sunscreen/aloe vera on them and i’m straddling them, and ik we’re gonna get chirped, but i just don’t care

haha yes boats are so fun, but us on a boat = chaos. hehe all of us on our tubes, but then we’re all trying to flip each other over. and then when we’re finally being slightly calm on the boat and just sitting on the railing, ryan has to come and push lexi in, and then she pulls him in with her and it’s just chaos again. and then i’d be sitting there laughing my ass off, and then someone else decides to push me in lmao. and we’re all looking hot in our bikinis obviously so our boys are all trying to get our attention the whole time. lmao and then kesh is just chilling with kirby and trying to be the voice of reason to get jamie and dyl to stop trying to show off and then kirby’s like no they’ll be fine. they are not fine

hehe yes lexi and quinner being the cutest drunks, just being super soft with each other and clingy 🥺 but then also kind of wild bc apparently quinner is doing body shots off of you. which also i really want to do. like i don’t care if it’s jamie or dyl, but please can one of them do body shots off me? and then let’s say dyl does it first, then jamie sees him doing it and ofc he’s jealous so then jamie has to do one too. and then kesh is chilling with kirby and she’s like hey you should go be a wingman for devon and cozzy, make ryan and braden leave them alone. but kirby’s too busy watching the rest of us do body shots lmao

yes lexi finally gets to actually have an extended convo with dylan, when they’re not trying to annoy everyone who’s actually trying ofc. but then you notice him getting jealous of me with jamie, so you chirp him at first but then he’s getting really annoyed. so then you have to be like calm down, let them have their moment, you’ve have plenty lol. she likes both of you, you know

haha yes we def need a girls day where we’re not being chaotic for once lol. and then we get a lot of cute clothes and stuff. and then when we get back the guys make us model all of it for them lol. and all of them are in awe. like kirby and quinner are just like 😍😍 about you guys bc they think you’re so cute. but then also they love our clubbing clothes and are getting super handsy when we go lol. but then after clubbing we just steal their clothes and live in them for most of the rest of the vacation and they pretend to be annoyed, but they secretly don’t mind bc they think it’s hot when we wear their clothes, esp if it has their name

overall, yes i love all of this and both of you 💖 sorry it took so long lol

[sssaaavvveeedddd]

—— · ❝「 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀 𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 . 」

who: nicole hampton & andre kendricks

where: las vegas, nv

when: 8/13/2020

TRIGGERS TAGGED BELOW

TAGGED: @andrekendricks

NICOLE

the relief she'd felt just moments ago had, tangled in the embrace of zeke, vanished as nicole wandered down the hall dodging any and all eye contact from the venue staff or handful of friends that actually came to support and stay for the wedding. her heart heavy as she stumbled across the groom's hall. with a clenched jaw she stared at it for a brief period, hands shaking, heart plummeting into her stomach. facing the reality of what she was really about to walk into that very room and do. as guilty as she felt, the idea not being in love with andre the way she was in love with dre didn't seem right. she couldn't promise someone forever knowing that he'd never be the only on in her heart, knowing that every time she turned around she was either wishing, missing, or entangled with the other man who'd just left her bridal hall. taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door once, opening it and letting herself in then closing it and locking it right behind her. the second she saw him tux in all her lip quivered, the tears she'd been fighting during her talk with zeke once again threatening to fall as she stood pressed against the door with no idea how she was going to say what she needed to say, "dre... i need to tell you something..."

ANDRE

sipping on vodka just to calm himself down, dre was trying to keep his cool as he got ready. some of his rap fam flew in and he had face timed his kids, letting them know what was up and what he was doing today. they didn't really understand, but the last thing he wanted in life was anyone to doubt him as a father. with a photo of nipsey around his chest and on a diamond piece, he kept him with him cause that was his best man. that was his brother by another mother who he wanted him by his side for this day. after fixing up his suit and tie combo, he started to make sure his hair was waved and lips were soft. there was this weird feeling in his stomach after his conversation with bird, how this was what she wanted; to marry him. to be his wife and to be his forever. he told her she would always be a big part of his life and heart, but she broke him too much all while nikki cared to pick up those pieces of him to put it back together. and to him, that's what love is. scratching over his scruff, he told his boys to head out as he was entering. "whatchu doing, nicole? i'm not-i'm not supposed to see you." bringing a hand up to cover his eyes, he read about weddings thanks to google and that was some curse or some shit. "if there's not enough of somethin, lemme tell P, he'll handle it." the man said, looking like a dumbass with his hands covering his face like a kid during hide and go seek and his stomach in knots all over again. her voice was concerning him and his vows were written right there on the table, so he wanted to go and hide them but didn't know how to move. "why...why you sad?" he asked, not even having to look at her to know something was off, just feeling her energy and feeling the shift of all the entire day go crazy. but whatever it was, they'd tackle it, right?

NICOLE

even if it pained her, watching dre quickly cover his eyes brought a slight smile to her fallen features as she approached him slowly. "dre, listen to me... please and looking at me wouldn't be a bad start either..." she begged, grabbing the hand he'd used to cover his eyes and holding it in her own. "i want you to know that i love you. i do. i think you're probably one of the greatest men i've ever known. so i can't stand here and lie to you." the blonde paused to take a long breath, praying he'd be able to ignore the fact she was standing there trembling because in all her life she'd never pictured herself in this situation or doing anything like this. "if i told you that i was completely and totally over zeke, that i could marry you with a clear mind and heart... i would be lying to you. you deserve so much better after everything you've been through, all the heartbreak, all the struggle, and i never wanted to add to that. but i can't meet you at the alter and swear myself to you, my future, my life, when i don't have all of myself to give to you... and it breaks my heart to know that, because when i fell for you i did fell with the purest of intentions but i'm in love with someone who never gave me my whole heart back... and i don't want to give you bits and pieces, dre... you deserve so much more than that."

ANDRE

andre felt her hand coming up to take his and he wasn't sure what to make of this. his eyes were squinted as he showed no expression besides confusion at first. "whatchu mean lie to me? bout what?" dre tilted his head and brought his arms back, loosening his tie because this shit just wasn't making sense. here she was, in a wedding dress, moments away from walking down the aisle to say 'i do' but her face showed that might not be happening way before her words did. he had to laugh, he did because it was easier than crying. men like him don't cry. ever. his hand took hold of his chain with nip's photo on it and he gave it a good squeeze, praying for him to give him the restraint needed from not destroying this fucking room and that king kids face. "you here to tell me you still love your ex, that's what you're here to do. that when he asked you to not marry me, you caved and said you wouldn't huh?" shaking his head and swallowing the lump in his throat, he took a seat and grabbed a bottle of dark liquor to chug down angrily. "how the fuck could you say you love me this entire time when your heart belonged to someone else? how the fuck could you say yes to marrying me when you knew you couldn't give yourself to me at the end of the day? i called my kids, i called my sisters. i told bird that you loved me for me, that you wouldn't pull this shit, that you wouldn't hurt me like she did here you are proving her right. bird said you weren't half the woman she was and i defended you. i told her you really wanted to be with me and only me and here you fucking are, in a wedding dress, on what was supposed to be our wedding day, saying you wanna be with some piece of shit who picked another woman to marry over you without even a second damn thought." shaking his head at her, he let his tongue rest against his top lip. "so you lied. this entire time. you wasn't ever in love with me, i was just someone you used to get under his skin while he's here on vacay with someone else."

NICOLE

the act of watching andre put together piece by piece what she was here to say without giving her an opportunity to explain herself was more excruciating then words could even express. turning her face away and closing her eyes as she listened to every ounce of legitimate and very valid anger that spit venom in her direction, flinching at the harshness of his tone. "i do love you, dre... i do, i swear i never meant to hurt you. when i fell for you, i did it selfishly because even with how bad i wanted to be over zeke, i wasn't. i thought he and i were through, and i thought over time i'd be able to move on but then we came out here, and everything with us moved so fast that i... if i married you right know, in 10 years from now you figured out that the day that we got married, the day i swore my loyalty to you that i wasn't a thousand percent sure and i was still in love with someone else you'd hate me. i gave you everything i could give you, but the idea of you giving me all of you when i could only give you all that i had left, give you everything zeke didn't take isn't fair to you! i wanted this... dre, i wanted you... but i didn't know how he felt and knowing how he feels and how i feel, i-i can't do that to you." she tried to gather herself, to keep herself together and break down but it was proving harder to do than she expected. “i may not be half the woman bird is, she might’ve been right, but i’m here to own up to it, i’m here to tell you how i felt, explain to you even as bad as i wanted to be absolutely and completely in love with you i can’t be when i gave my whole heart away a long time ago and never got it back… even if i do love you. you didn’t deserve this, and no amount of apologies are going to make you hate me less than what you do right now… and i can live with that, but i couldn’t live with myself if we got married and it started out on the basis of lies.”

ANDRE

brushing his hand over his scruff, all he could do was shake his head. his entire body fell with how he was sitting & he was hunched over. "you used me, to try n get over that loser." dre spoke out, the words hurting as he processed it all. his heart was so heavy & his lips were twisting in anger & pain. "you never told me we was moving too fast. we had our kids together. i had you meet jami & i had lil z on lock for life. i thought you really wanted to be with me. i thought i was enough & you was...this entire god damn time you was still thinking bout him." bringing his finger tips to tap against his temple, he couldn't fucking believe this shit. "he hates to see you happy. that's what it fuckin' is & you just falling right for it all over again." bitterness was evident in his voice as he felt his leg shaking, voice harsh as he just kept chugging the dark liquor and thought about everything in life that he's lost. "you don't love me. don't try to feed me that bull shit. if you don't even have your heart back, you sure as hell ain't loving me with it." taking in a deep breath with the tilt of the bottle, he was trying to numb the pain with all the liquor but knew he'd need something more soon. "you shoulda said no. you shoulda told me this shit when i proposed cuz i was ready. i explained to bird why marrying you was the right choice, how you would never do this fucked up shit to me after knowing bout everything i've been through. every single thing i lost. yet you is right here in front of me, tellin me you love me, but love him more? i ain't with that shit. i gave you my all, for the first time since bird, i allowed myself to fall for someone entirely. trusted you, believed you when you said certain shit & now you got me looking like boo-boo the fool cuz of a dude who ain't ever picked you or put you first." he was hurt and in so much pain, he stood up and slid off the jacket just to throw it then turned to look into her eyes "you used me n it worked for you two."

NICOLE

knowing too well she was in for a verbal lashing for a lifetime, nicole stood there before andre every beat of his tongue cutting a distinctive piece of her virtue. every word he’d tossed at her knocking the pedestal he’d built up for her. he wasn’t wrong though, zeke had been on her mind the entirety of their relationship, from the first time they’d hooked up in one of the dressing rooms after her show until today, hell even more so after realizing she was going to marry someone else, zeke’s face popping into her mind the second she accepted his proposal should’ve been when she walked away. it selfish, but she never thought her ex felt the same way, she thought it was something she needed to move on from, she truly believed that zeke was a scar she’d always have and that she needed to learn to live and love with the scraps he’d left to her to survive. that didn’t mean she didn’t love him, she didn’t charish the way he nourished her soul, pieced her back together, but she couldn’t marry him when her whole heart wasn’t his. once he’d finished, she slowly slipped the diamond ring from her fourth finger, cautiously stepping forward while her green eyes filled with tears, “andre… i never, ever wanted to hurt you. i never wanted to add to the pain you’ve been through. i do love you, and you might not see it now… hell, you might never believe me but i mean it and i can sit here and tell you how sorry i am until we’re both blue in the face because i am… i’m so sorry. i wanted you, i wanted this to work out… and i truly thought he and i were done, i didn’t expect him to show up, to tell me he loved me… it made everything i was trying to burry impossible. it made me realize, marrying you… would’ve been me lying to you. you should have this,” she said, grabbing his free hand and placing her engagement ring into it. “i’ll go out there and tell everybody that there isn’t gonna be a wedding, but i… i’m so sorry, dre. i hope one day you’ll be able to know and understand how fucking sorry i am, how hurting you kills me.”

ANDRE

andre gave his all to nicole. all of it just to be returned. to given back to him and shown it wasn't enough. he was never enough. for anything. he loved her with everything that he had to give. dre cared about every aspect of her broken heart and tried to piece it back together, but like she stated, he never really had it as it was. it was never even there in the first place, it still belonged to her ex. bird begged for him to not be with nicole, to give him the world, to fix things and he turned her down because he wasn't that guy. when he was invested, he stood his ground and gave it all. never did he ever think this was going to be the outcome. of course he had doubts and fears, none of which he'd ever admit to, but this was his worst nightmare. "don't ever, and i mean ever, try to tell me you love me again." andre said with pain radiating through his eyes and his blood boiling.  "if you love somebody the way you claimed to have loved me, you woulda realized zeke only pulled this shit because he can't bare to see you happy. it took until your wedding day for him to come say somethin' to you. this entire trip, bird has been showing and trying to prove to me that she still loves me. that she wants this, a marriage and love, with me. but do you see her here today? do you see her trying to force herself into the wedding and change everything?" as soon as she placed the ring in his finger, he bounced it up and down a bit, closed his fist before taking a long swig of the alcohol. once the bottle was finished, he put the ring inside of it and moved to throw both out. "i dun care what the hell you tell anybody out there. you don't do this to people you say you love. but im glad i found out now that you still obsessed with zeke now then in a few weeks. it all adds up now. from seeing you naked to you flexing me, it was all for clout. you took a man who didn't put you second to try to get someone else to put you first." andre said, reaching into his pocket for his weed & his pills. popping 2, he grabbed another bottle of champagne that was supposed to be for after the wedding and popped out the cork. grabbing his vows he wrote out,  he took them and used the bubbly to soak over all of them, making the ink run and the paper turn into a wet, shredded mess. "go on, then. go be with that lil boy who is here on vacation with his ex wife. the one he married when he coulda been with you instead. im sure he's hella excited for these next two weeks he'll be all about you til it's on to the next chick that catches his eye." bringing another bottle to his lips, he moved to get undressed and fixed himself into another pair of clothes, not giving a damn what she did. he didn't even mention a damn thing about how beautiful she looked in her dress cause at the end of the day, it wasn't even for him. it was all to make zeke jealous. this entire thing was and he fell right into their ploy. grabbing hold of some of the glass wear, he threw it at the wall, pissed as fuck at the universe and mostly her for using him like this. but maybe here and zeke deserved one another if this is the whole premises of their relationship, the cat and mouse game is how they fall for one another again and use people like they're nothing to find a spark again.

[readysetgaikokujin]

Quick thingum about Office Relationships!

HAHA it’s not quick because I don’t know how to police my own writing. But here we go anyway! Under the cut is my opinion about ALTs fitting into the sea of coworkers they’re dashed from straight off the plane and beyond. I include a helpful list, a bit of side-eye, and my own experience. Read on!

I see a lot of ALTs who complain about office interpersonal stuff. It ranges from a very general “meh”-ness to a very real, culture-shock-like hatred of the Japan they’re in. The reasons why are varied and mostly just... people things, imo. For example....

Their coworkers ask them the same questions over and over. Their coworkers don’t talk to them at all. Their coworkers don’t seem to like them. Their coworkers go to lunch without them, or didn’t tell them about a meeting, or wanted to reschedule their welcome party until a month later, or laugh nervously too often for their tastes.

And honestly, I have to wonder how much of that is the coworkers’ fault, and how much is the ALT in question just... waiting to be liked. For no reason. While they continue to be unlikable.

Now I get it, sometimes you try super hard and it still sucks. I am NOT saying that does not happen, BECAUSE IT DOES. It’s a risk with all human relationships that we take.

That is the worst case scenario, I think, yeah? You put in all the effort, you make the cookies, you answer the questions, you pose the small talk, you try and smile and try and smile and they still don’t really like or include you.

But I’m not talking about that. I think if you’re conscious of trying, you’re most likely someone who has tried and done been trying. And I respect that. And you.

I’m pinpointing the people who complain about their coworkers and how “mindless” or “meaningless” it all is, but then wonder why they’re not talked to at the drinking party. I’m side-eyeing the people who post about how they deliberately tell their coworkers lies about small talk questions because they hate answering them. I’m talking about the people who just sit there silently seething (AT ALT-ONLY EVENTS TOO) and then wonder why a) nobody wanted to talk to them and b) why they are unhappy.

I don’t want to talk to a wet blanket, and we share a language. You have to got to acknowledge that it’s not “Japanese people don’t know how to small talk”, it’s more “I MYSELF AM WET BLANKET”.

I firmly believe that you get love back from the universe that you input into it. It takes time, and effort, and it’s sometimes scary or backfires or is stupid. That’s fine! Do it anyway!

“But Sami,” you say. “I don’t know how to.”

“It’s okay, friendo,” I tell you. “I STILL don’t know what I’m doing, because we’re all just adults bouncing about trying to be good at what we do!”

Seriously.

If you get here, and you’re nervous, here is a small list of ways to ingratiate:

1. go to the party if you can make it 2. MINGLE AT THE PARTY, this doesn’t mean drink! Just talk to people! If you haven’t noticed, they are all ASKING EACH OTHER the same bullshit small talk questions, because humans use a script until they get comfortable with each other, or until someone confident enough breaks the mold. And that is okay!! 3. give little presents. Not necessarily expensive ones, but my crew is STILL talking about when I got apple pie moonshine for them, even though I DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THAT PARTY. 4. bake or make something, if you can do a hometown recipe they’re gonna love having an excuse to talk to you about something other than the seasons, your Japanese level, or the weather. Trust me. Give them more options on the dialogue wheel!!! 5. smile. This is harder when you have a default face that isn’t a nervous smile, I know. My anxious ass smiles all the time =_=;; Just try it out when you give the otsukaresamadesu in passing. I even throw in waves and winks. Someone’s gonna have a stroke someday, I’m sure, but it works. I’ve got a hoard of dudebros who wave back. 6. be patient. With them, with yourself, but mostly with them. You have no idea what kind of ALTs they worked with before you, and some of them might’ve left a bad taste in their mouths. They might have been made fun of for pronunciation in English. They might have been told off for trying to help them look at the schedule. They might feel like all foreigners are prickly, just like you might worry all Japanese people are quiet. Wrong. Give it time and patience. 7. get you some cheddar off of somewhere and make Red Lobster style biscuits 8. involve your JTEs in your self-intro games, so you can learn about THEM too 9. invite teachers to observe your lessons if they seem into English 10. when you get here, see if someone wants to go grab a power lunch with you, cuz it’ll be summer vacay for crying out loud!! If your supervisor doesn’t do that with you, I will drive there myself and take you to kaitenzushi omfggggg

Ten things. Ten things to try.

But the most important thing to remember is this: You are not coming here as the protagonist of your solo story, you affect everyone’s stories you come into contact with. For better, worse, or absolutely neutral. Once you stop thinking of people as accessories to your life, and people with their own thoughts and actions, the world will be your oyster. Nom nom.

It shouldn’t be that hard. But in talking with military friends, non-JET ALTs, and just expatriates living in Japan... the struggle with immediate and unfounded entitlement is REAL, fam. And it gets old for your coworkers as well as your ALTs in the prefecture. Which is why fifth years like me have gummy old jaws where we used to have toothy ones, because we got tired of gnawing down the same bone of “just stop expecting everything to be about you and how great you are omfggggggg just be nice to people”. This dog too old for that now.

Also, anecdote time, because my office is so hot that if I stop typing I will fall the hell asleep:

I came here with NO Japanese. I was memorizing “osaki ni shitsureishimasu” on the freaking airplane. I didn’t know what yakisoba was, or how to eat ramen, or even how to read most katakana yet. Imagine trying to make coworker relationships when you have to both resort to gestures and helpless looks and all that effort on both sides?? It must have been a pain in the ass for my coworkers cuz I know at times it really was for me!

So I started to take the initiative. I would bake a ton, give out some sweets every month or two, and copy the katakana from an online dictionary to say what the ingredients were. I’d ask coworkers to translate ceremony titles for me, then look up words to listen out for in the ceremony itself. I’d go to all the nomikais and nijikais even if I wasn’t drinking, and I would try to sit with new people every time at the after-party! Even if we didn’t understand each other haha. I would smile every time I got nervous, and I tried my best to absorb as much Japanese as I could in my own way.

Fast forward five years. I can speak okay now. I can listen even better. My coworkers, I feel, know who I am, and not just a “that’s Sami” knowing. But they know my hobbies, my drives, my teasing, and how I like to be teased back. They interact with me easily because I put myself out there to be interacted with, in English or Japanese, doesn’t freaking matter. They’re people looking to reach out. I can understand most everything that comes my way because most things that come my way are things I’ve experienced and beaten, like mini-bosses in my Japan RPG adventure. I can make small talk but the beautiful times are when I don’t have to anymore.

Yes I was here five years. Yes you might have shorter time than that. Yes it is still doable.

So like.... you can totally be a part of whatever school you’re going to be placed in. I say this because I hear of so many ALTs saying shit like “coming here without knowing a bit of Japanese means you’re just a burden” and “you will never be accepted as Japanese no matter what you do”. And to that I just say “well you’re right, but also thhhbbbbbbbpt.”

We all have the potential to be burdens or not, and it ain’t got much to do with language ability Sharon. And my appreciation for how Japan does things doesn’t exactly ingratiate me with Americans neither! So have a stick of gum and calm down.

There you have it. Go forth, be merry, and don’t go around expecting people to love you for being a surly, quiet, asshole who doesn’t share any of their personality with their coworkers. I get it. I had a MySpace once, it’s edgy to not care about what people think of you. But it’s fun to have relationships with people and care about what they think, even if this job is temporary.

[conorpmaynard]

All Started With a Song Part 7// Conor Maynard

Word Count-  1852

Summary- conor sees your cover and contacts you

A/n- (feel free to change the friends name I was just too lazy to write y/f/n that may times) so sorry it took so long. i was at my friends and couldnt get time to post. heres part 7. i hope you enjoy. im also not going to lie ot you guys, i have no idea when part 8 will be up. this is laos the longest imagine ive written so far!

~~

You groaned as you rolled over in your bed, the loud noise filling your ears. Your alarm was going off. You slowly reached your hand out from under the blankets and shut it off. You were so tired but you knew you needed to get up. It was currently midnight. You needed to pack everything into the car, get to the airport and get everything checked in by 2:30.

You reluctantly got out of your oh-so-warm bed and walked to the guest room.

“Ali, get up. We have to get ready,” you whispered, lighting shaking the brunette.

You walked to the other side of the bed, “Livy, c’mon. We have to get ready.”

“Why did we stay up last night? We’re so dumb,” Alice groaned, sitting up.

“I regret it so much,” Olivia whined, pulling the blanket over her head.

You laughed lightly, grabbing the blanket and ripping it off the bed.

“You bitch! What did I ever do to you?!” Olivia shrieked.

“Get up you lazy bums. I’m making breakfast,” you said walking out to the kitchen.

“By making do you mean getting the cereal and bowls out?” Alice smiled, following you.

“And the milk!” you retorted.

“Hey Liv, can you bring me some Ibuprofen? My head is killing me,” Alice lightly shouted. A few moments later the blonde came out with a bottle of pills.

“Why did we do that last night?” She groaned.

“Because we’re dumb and immature,” you laughed.

“Not so loud please,” Alice whispered, swallowing 2 of the pills.

“Sorry,” you gave her a smile. “Maybe some Cheerios will help.” You passed her a bowl full of her favorite cereal.

“Oh my god,” she moaned as she took a bite. “God is real.”

You and Olivia laughed.

“Did we take any videos from last night?” you asked, handing Olivia her bowl.

“Let me check,” she took a spoonful of cereal while opening her camera roll. “Oh. My. God.”

“What?” you and Alice asked in unison.

“Look,” she had a weird look on her face when she handed you her phone.

You looked at the screen, mouth wide open.

You were stood on your bed, in an old t shirt and booty shorts. You were clearly drunk and very happy.

“Y/n!” shouted Alice. “Give your bae a quick shootout!”

“Yeah!” Olivia giggled, her grip on the phone shaky.

“I don’t have a bae,” you said sadly. “But I will give a shout out. Shout out to Conor Maynard for being a grade A asshole.” You hoisted the bottle of beer in your hand into the air. “You really know how to treat a girl. Hope your mommy’s proud of you.” You kneeled on the bed and got really close to the camera.

“Oh, and I think I might love you…” you said quietly. And then the video ended.

You stood there, not realizing the tears that had shed down your cheeks.

“Oh babe,” Olivia wrapped you in a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“No. Don’t feel bad. I was drunk, I said something I didn’t mean.” You lied through your teeth, hoping they would believe you. “We’re going to LA in a few hours, we should be happy!”

“Speaking of that, we should really get ready.”

“Oh crap,” Alice said looking at the clock. “It’s already 12:45.”

You three quickly washed your dishes and rushed to the bathroom. You guys spent the next 45 minutes getting ready, jamming out to music and packing your essentials into your carry ons.

By 1:30 you three were stood at your door, making sure you had everything.

“Carry ons?” you asked.

“Check!”

“Check,” Olivia placed her hands around the straps of her backpack.

“Phone and charger?”

“Got them both,” Alice said phone in hand.

“Where’s your charger?” you asked.

“In my bag.”

“Prove it.”

She sighed, “Yes mom.” She took her backpack off, opening the front pocket to reveal her various chargers.

“Olivia?”

“Check and check, “she had her charger in one hand, phone in the other.

“Makeup?”

“We packed all of it into yours.”

“Oh right. I have the necessities, Liv has the snacks and you have the activities,” you pointed at Alice who nodded.

“Suit case?”

“You can see them!” Olivia chuckled.

“I’m just going through the list we made!”

“Computers?”

“Yes! We both have them! Can we please go now?”

“Yes! Let’s go!!” you squealed, shooing them out the door. You placed the key in the lock and turned it. “Hold on, I need to do one more thing.”

“What?”

You ignored their questioning looks as you walked across the hallway, knocking on the door. The door opened faster than any of you expected.

“Mornin’,” said the very attractive young male who just happened to be shirtless.

“Hey Alex, here’s the key. Feel free to eat any food you find and use my Netflix.” You smiled, handing him the key.

“No problem,” he smiled, leaning against the door for support. “What exactly am I doing again?”

You chuckled, “Just making sure no one breaks in.”

“Right,” he straightening himself. “I can do that.”

“Thanks again,” you reach up and kissed him on the cheek. “I owe you.”

He smirked and closed the door. You turned around to two girls gawking at you.

“What the hell was that?” Olivia asked.

“That’s my neighbor Alex,” you said, grabbing your suitcase and beginning the long walk to the elevator.

“Why have you never mentioned him?” Alice asked, following you.

“Never came up, I guess,” you shrugged, approaching the elevator.

“Can we also talk about how its Alex. As in Jack Maynard’s friend Alex.” Olivia trailed off.

You laughed, pressing the elevator button, “It’s not a big deal guys. He doesn’t really socialize with anyone but the boys.”

“Have you guys hung out?” Alice pestered, following you into the elevator.

“Once, but it was when I first moved it last year. He was nice, but then had to leave cuz Abe needed help with someone. We just never clicked,” you shrugged once more.

“Why are you not freaking out?” Olivia questioned.

“Because I wasn’t going to use him to get to Conor, so why try? Yeah he’s nice and stuff, but I’m not that kind of person. Also he’d find out sooner or later that I’m a fan of him and his best friends.”

“You have a point, but I would have been all over that,” Alice laughed.

“Do you want his number?” you joked.

“You have it?” she gawked.

“No,” you laughed. “I just wanted to see your reaction.”

~~

It took you girls a solid 10 minutes to figure out how to get everything in the car, it was like a giant version of Tetris.

The car ride was full of out-of-tuned singing and dirty looks from people who were stuck at the stoplight next to you.

When you finally got to the airport you parked in the long term parking and walked inside. It took about 20 minutes to get through security. You had to stop and beg the security to let you take the snacks on the 11 hour flight, which they eventually allowed.

You stopped by a Starbucks because you were all running on about 2 hours of sleep.

“Guys look!” Olivia smiled, pointing out the large windows that displayed all the airplanes.

“Let’s get a picture!” you giggled.

“Hi, could you please take a few photos of us?” Alice asked a teenage girl.

“Sure!” she smiled a big toothy smile and took the phone.

You guys took some facing away from the camera, some facing the camera and some sitting on the ground. After thanking the girl, you exchanged pictures.

While you were sat at Gate 4 waiting for your flight to LA, Conor was an absolute mess.

~~

“I fucked up mate,” Conor sighed, spreading across the couch.

“And I don’t feel bad,” Jack said annoyed. Conor did this to himself.

“What do I do?” he asked his younger brother.

“Let her go. Bro you lost her, just accept that.” His brother sighed, pausing the game to give Conor his full attention

“I can’t,” Conor sat up, squeezing a pillow tight to his chest. “I like her a lot.”

“Then why did you ‘forget’?” Jack asked, using the finger quotes when necessary.

“Because I was jealous, I wanted to make her jealous. But I regret it,” he groaned, slamming his head into the pillow.

“If you regret it, why did you unadd her on everything?”

“I don’t know, I was upset that I just let her leave.”

“Bro, you’re so fucking stupid.” And with that Jack got up and went to his room.

Leaving Conor by himself while he was sad was a bad idea. He always did things he would later regret. And this time was no different, he opened his phone and went to Instagram. One lil peek wouldn’t hurt.

Yes it would.

He typed in your username and noticed you had a new picture. The picture was of you and two girls, the same two girls from your previous post, in front of a giant window of what looked like an airport. All three of you were in a squatting position. Alice and Olivia had their fingers pointing at the camera and you were in the middle, hands in prayer formation.

His eyebrows knit together in confusion as he read the caption.

@y/i/n/

spontaneous vacay with my besties? i think yes!

Where were you going? Why? Who were you going to see there? What were you going to do? He clicked the picture and went to the brunette’s, Alice, page. He was even more upset after seeing her post.

@aliiibooo

a spoon full of travel makes the sadness go away

Her picture was off you three, once again in front of the giant window. But this time you were in the middle, one arm wrapped around each girl. Alice was throwing up a peace sign and the blonde, Olivia, had her hand on your face, squishing your cheeks together. He once again clicked on the picture, this time going to Olivia’s page.

Her post was of you three facing away from the camera. Conor couldn’t see your face but he knew you looked beautiful.

@oliviaaaaaa

LA, we’re coming for ya ;)

California? Why were you going to California? What was in California that wasn’t in London?

Lots of things you idiot.

Conor was half tempted to message you about it. But then he got a call.

Incoming call: Anth

Anth? Why was Anth calling him?

“Hey bro, what’s up?” Conor asked, curiosity filling him as he laid back on the couch.

“Before I tell you anything, you have to promise not to get mad or do anything stupid,” Anth said slowly.

“What are you on about?” Conor chuckled.

“Promise me,” there was no laughter in Anth’s voice.

“Okay… I promise. Now tell me what’s going on,” he sat up again.

“Y/n is coming to LA to do a cover with me,” Anth said quickly, fear consuming him.

It took Conor a few seconds to respond but Anth never expected him to say what he did.

[ctrl-shift-esc]

Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost. 

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!)  I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense. 

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear. 

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic. 

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money. 

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic. 

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks. 

Until Next Time

Ctrl+Shift+ go Awesome everywhere xox

[danialworks]

Apropos Whatever - 1

I used to think a blog would be a really good idea.  Get some lost writing skills back, connect somewhat facelessly with, well, somewhat of the rest of the world.  It’s a big place, the world.  But words in a blog-- they can go anywhere, be read by anyone.  Most of what I have to talk about is media based, peppered with my sociological commentary, and a bit of snarkiness about politics and world events.  My snarkiness, and my sociological commentary.  Me.  Mine.  I don’t say that because I think I’m wrong.  I say it because I don’t want anybody to feel subliminally bullied by what I have to say.  By what I feel about fiction and modern events.  You know.  Stuff.  Whatever.  Everything.

What I feel most online, though, these days, is that I’m the only one.

The obvious bullies are everywhere.  So are the subliminal ones-- such are even more widespread, if you ask me.  Many, if not most, don’t think/know they are bullying. It’s hard to define, but let’s try this.  Absolutism to counter absolutism is not education.

I don’t like the internet so much these days.  I’m not the most social creature in the world in the first place.

Here I am, anyway.

I could talk about the new series of Doctor Who, or let you know if I think the first episode of Titans is too violent; maybe tell you about the cozy I just finished reading, or what Wheel of Time Book I’m on.  I could go for a couple of pages about DC Comics’ Heroes In Crisis.  Unhappy pages.

Maybe I will.

But nope, not this time.

This time is about a sense of identity.

You see, I’ve joked for most of my life that I’m the world’s worst bisexual.  I bond more easily with women, no matter what the relationship.  That last sentence isn’t part of the joke. It’s my truth. It’s just me.  And I’ll be me, thanks.  And, in this life, I’ve had lots of people tell me that’s not bisexual.  Well, the ones who think of themselves as straight often think that it still makes me bi, and some of the others who use the word straight think my slight wavering towards the male of the species must have some deep emotional trauma deep in this boy’s psyche.  We’ll get back to trauma in a paragraph or ten.  But often enough, those who do not think of themselves as straight think I remain a little too straight to be bisexual.  There are lots of phrases for my condition.  Please feel free to offer up your favorites in the comments below, anyone who happens to find themselves reading this, wherever you are in the world.  And of course, there are loads of LGBT who are fine with me being bisexual.  But the one who got me thinking is the young lady who said she doesn’t think I’m bisexual, but I’m obviously still queer.

That one caught me off my guard.  I’ve never used the word queer in my life.

It sounds like a label.

Okay.  It sounds like a label to me, and for me, it is one.  Millions, I’m told, do not agree.   Some even build a sense of freedom of identity in the word, and that makes it a good and wonderous thing.

Bisexual is just an infrequently used descriptive.

It’s my sense of identity.  I don’t hide it, and I don't flaunt it.

But not so long ago, I found a way to prove it-- more or less without the help of science.  There was this party.  Not a phrase I’ll often use, because I only go to parties to make special someone’s happy-- other wise I’m the guy in the corner sighing heavily and wishing I was home watching Doctor Who.  It was a large party, filled with strangers of all backgrounds and orientations.  The idea was simple.  Look and be looked at-- fully clothed, mind you.  Make connections.  Meet cute if you wanted, one night stand if you wanted-- as long as you kept it going after the party.  Mill, meet, greet who you liked, and move on to mill again.  Eventually, of course, it just kind of turned into an over-sized party-- what did anybody expect?  So... I went to the party, and I followed the rules-- of the party.  I just didn’t follow my rules.  Beauty is a subjective thing.  But what if, for one big gathering only, I objectified freely-- you know-- like a straight guy.   Would I still like the womenfolk over the menfolk if I briefly psyched myself into only seeing the sexy?  The objectively pretty or handsome face? I bet supper with a pal the female of the species would still win-- but the margin would narrow quite noticeably.  The bosomy would win over the pectoral.  Yea.  Not so much.  I lost the bet.  Those who got close enough to start a connection ran fifty-fifty.  Women may hold the title subjectively-- but not entirely-- but in a large space where objectification is part of the point-- in all directions, if you wanted to be objective, or even subjective, you had to be willing to be objectified and subjectified, too-- I really do go both ways.

The word is biSEXUAL.  And if I were a more sexual creature, it would fit me like your best pair of jeans.  But I’m not, and I’m perfectly fine wearing the word like a warm sweater a size too big, but comfy as can be.

My sexual identity belongs only to me.

Oh.  That’s right.  I promised trauma.

How to pick, how to pick.

Oh, let’s throw the man card away--  right at the start.

I don’t need anyone’s sense of an imaginary license to know I am the male of my kind.

Anyway, when I was, oh, say 13, I was deathly ill with a flu-like something, and the parentals went out for the evening-- a somewhat rare occurrence, really.  Only months before, we had moved from a small town to the not so big city, and they still had this problem remembering to lock the front door.  And you see, there was this gang of older teenagers, stoned out of their minds on something.  Now, your minds are filling in the blanks, and you’re going to be wrong.  You’re assuming teenage boys, or at the very least a mixed group.  No.  These were female.  Somehow, word had gotten around that I had gotten into trouble with Mom on a weekend vacay for spending an afternoon with an older girl of some mild fame getting myself... educated, and that I had been sharing this education with some of the girls more my own age.  You know, on request.  All an... exaggeration.  So they came in my house where I was alone, this gang.  Hacking, wheezing, heart already palpitating, I had to hide.  Some of these... people... got chased back out by the dog.  Lots of bark, no bite.  All but one gave up when they got bored and couldn’t find me, and maybe they wouldn’t really have known what to do if they did find me-- as far as going through with it goes.  Live in hope, right?  Oh, but that last one, she was determined.   She found me, tripping over my feet as I hid under the bathroom sink.  Cramped legs won over the need to not be found.  Here’s where it gets tricky.  She thinks she did it.  Sometimes, the whole thing being as messed up as it is-- it’s easy to believe it.  She really did try, but a hacking, shivering child rolled up in a tight, cramping ball has one silver lining-- an armadillo effect.  So this rape wasn’t a completed act.  Too stoned, enough so that she imagined getting her vile job done, and believed it.

I still like girls better.  If you ask me, and if you’ve read this far, you are-- kind of, anyway-- asking me for this next thought: trauma does not usually have a causative effect on sexual orientation.  We really are born who we are in this regard.

And, if you are bullyingly-- wow no spellcheck on that one-- conservative of religion and/or politics-- you likely don’t think that was sexual assault or attempted rape of any kind.  Cuz Imma boy.

ALL SEXUAL ASSAULT IS ASSAULT.

No matter skin color, religion, orientation, country of birth-- oh yea.  Gender.

Assault is assault.

It can’t be understood as anything else.

[iluvtv]

Break Fast with Snack Blankets

I celebrated the Jewish New Year and the masochistic Jewish tradition of atonement by wrapping up season 3 of Difficult People. I had been waiting, savoring, delaying… but can’t seem to hold off any longer.

Finishing a  secular, divisive comedy on the holiest night of the year may seem sacrilege to some but I would argue it is entirely apropos. Much like some choose to fast for their sins, this too is a masochistic “task” as once I finish I will have another ENTIRE lonely year without my dear difficult friends (and that’s counting on another season even being made at all….*).  

In the spirit of the season premiere where Julie found it necessary to medicate just to survive Passover I will wager bets that I may need a tranquilizer (or two) to survive the combination of another terribly sad Yom Kippur along with the end of my annual DP fix. Thank goodness a season premier of Great News will quickly follow. While it is, perhaps a more mainstream, accessible sit-com, it also is fabulous and produced by Tina Fey. Let’s be honest I basically need something fresh to laugh at from either Pohler of Fey at all times. It should be like a law or something that their particular female dream-team is always gifting us with their comedic fruits of labor.  

So, let’s debrief the season (but seriously let’s put the brief back in debrief as I am a little swamped right now, looking at menus from pricey local restaurant in hopes that my exceedingly generous client will treat me to yet another wonderful dinner —and time is of the essence).

We’ll start where I left off…

Episode 3 delves into Julie’s addiction to her Mother. Grappling with her diagnosis Billy asks Julie what the opposite of Endorphins are.

“Judaism” she replies, deadpan.

And of course it is. Hence the desperate need to self-medicate in episode 1.

In episode 4 I can’t help but notice all the subliminal and yet repetitive advertising of shitty restaurant chains (all of which happen to be in serious financial trouble according to my limited research). Why are Quizno’s, Applebees and Subway advertising with such a leftist show?  What is their agenda exactly? Saving face perhaps? Or maybe Julie just really likes sandwiches on terrible bread. And if staring at Applebees doesn’t excite you here are three unbelievably relatable quotes:

Julie: I have plans later

Billy: food or tv related?

Julie: both, I'm curling up with my snack blanket to watch the lifetime movie of all lifetime movies.

Julie (to her doting man): “I need a break from the sweet snack blanket can you grab the savory one from the closet?”

(I literally own both a sweet and savory snack blanket! How am I single?!)

Julie: I know cunt moves, I respect them

And the cunts that move them.

Namaste.

(And that’s literally how I feel about yoga).

And then, of course the episode ends with Billy and his new boyfriend's first kiss taking place in front of Equinox.

And while clearly Equinox and Gay Pride do go together like me and Gay bars (never underestimate a fag hags love of only flirting with the unavailable -- I guess if the “snack blanket” didn’t cinch the deal this might explain things) Klausner and Eichner might be a bit interested in the fact that I (a girl who only flirts with the unavailable) was actually fired from the company on an unfounded accusation of sexual harassment… basically a sexist overreaction to a female saying the word vagina. I know this isn’t really relevant to our debrief but cultural relevance is cultural relevance and basically Equinox isn’t as progressive as you might think....

Which of course, brings me straight into episode 5 where Julie and Billy discover that the part of Central Park which used to be reserved for Gay hookups is now an outdoor Equinox yoga studio. So, it is basically the same thing but with a hefty price tag. Gentrification is everywhere and even fictional butt-fucking in the park isn’t free anymore. Sad face emoji.

This episode is also fabulous for its intense focus on sexism and the tremendous pressure on women to smile at all times.

Julie just can’t do it.

And that’s why we love her.

Then there is episode 6 where there are so many riffs on sex, politics and TV I don’t even know where to start. So, let’s instead discuss OpenTable’s odd arrival to the small screen. First with this quote from a casting agent to Billy and Julie:

We know from your opentable reservations neither of you have NYE plans

(Oh, fuck my life neither do I. Unless, maybe we can count watching the Season Finale of Difficult People on Yom Kippur and call it a day...?)

Later in the episode it is revealed the the aforementioned reservation platform is also “running original content”. And while they may be the one app that isn’t yet doing this I’m sure they actually are close behind. Funny cuz it’s true?

Which reminds me, I must be brief…I have my own OpenTable reservations to make...

But, before we move on I simply must mention one more sexist/tv/food related quote from this episode:

“Like the ad for yoplait where the woman gets so thin she disappeared and the man says, ‘now there's a woman I don't wanna punch’”

If that doesn’t make you lol you’re dead inside.

If you like the recurring theme of how sexist TV is, Episode 7 takes the cake. Julie (thanks to a vision board) is able to try her hand at working in a writer’s room. Clearly though, no matter how hard she tries she simply cannot make the opportunity successful because what we learn from these insiders is TV is written for men by men (though the recent 2017 Emmy’s did prove times are a-changing). The whole episode is perfect but is best summed up with this quote from the writer’s room:

"Oh no I hate women, I got into writing for tv so I could not write for them"

Meanwhile Marilyn decides to “do something for herself” (gasp, I know) and settles on a Bat Mitzvah. And while I (a Bat Mitzvah myself, actually) had no idea, she teaches us you can’t become a woman without a theme. Her theme? “ME”. 

Why didn’t I think of that?

Episode 8 is a perfect representation of modern day city life. Billy and his boyfriend aren’t able to fall asleep next to each other as this quiet act is just far too intimate (I can relate). The lovebirds spend most of the episode trying to tire themselves out in a desperate attempt to move forward with their relationship. Their antics towards exhaustion are, of course, fantastic especially when the most tiring thing Billy can think of to do is calling his cousin and asking her “why she decided to take a break from social media.”

They take part in every boring, typically tourist adventure New York has to offer only to discover that those who visit their city are actually bigger freaks than those who choose to live full-time in New York. Fabulous.

Meanwhile, the two most narcissistic people on the show (Matthew and Marilyn) secretly work to manipulate the other in selfish attempts to steal the other’s identity. 

And if all this wasn’t enough antics, Julie tries to return to improv only to discover she just isn’t the requisite “yes, and” girl of improvisation but does quite well with “a no but girl.” agenda

Me too Julie, me too.

And finally we have episode nine which includes an unintentional ayahuasca trip, a trans-sorority reunion vacay and most importantly a focus on the premise that the opportunity to change on a whim is available to all selfish, difficult people because we don’t have dependents. You’re welcome world.

Here are the most quotable treats:

Billy (who is feeling very over NY) on Bowling Alleys (and I suppose hipsters in general):

"It's like Poor Man: The Ride "

The team’s view of Etsy:

Julie: “Etsy’s a cult "

Billy: "except for with arts and crafts so basically it’s camp"

Yes, OMG, how did I not think of that?!

And then there is the neurotic Jewish Mother’s method of procrastination/anorexia.

Marilyn: “I should have a lemon wedge. I worked out this morning, I deserve one.”

There is one of the best public transportation scenes I have ever witnessed. I won’t even debrief it because I literally just can’t do it justice.

And then we get down to the nitty gritty: the crew accidentally do the trans-sorority girls’ ayahuasca and in a panic of the unknown Arthur finds a step-by-step guide on Miley Cyrus’s website.

Of course.

They all are on board with most of her steps (no-one even flinches in regards to vomiting) but when the thought of confronting their innermost truth they are less than thrilled.

I agree, who wants to do that?

But they do and it seems to be bliss for them all:

Marilyn enters a Marilyn only world

Matthew hallucinates a terribly fat, naked  gay man in a chef’s hat, jumping

Arthur hallucinates Julie taking charge

Billy gets on a tv show and breaks up w/ NYC

And Julie’s crafting persona has a duel with her actress persona

so, basically everyone wakes up glad they did ayahuasca .

Maybe being a difficult person also means you are secretly really well adjusted?

Revelations aren’t easy but they are wonderful from this crew:

Julie reading her closing monologue which is covered in vomit: "because I do comedy I will always be on the misery spectrum...I am an unhappy person but the alternative is being someone I don't know and that, is terrifying."

Motivated to change, Billy starts looking for apartments in LA, but finds the process a wee bit exhausting (even his IMDB page must be submitted— fucking LA).

Meanwhile, the trans-sorority girls recite their pledge:

“never go on CNN to discuss Caitlyn Jenner.”

OH GOD IT’S ALL SO GOOD. 

Shall we mourn it’s passing with a yahrzeit? 

But before we commemorate this tragic, tragic end I’ll have the series finale recap for you shortly....

*sadly since writing this first draft the cancellation of this essential comedy has been revealed