#didnt pass year 4
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 馃き#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 馃泴#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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i'll be taking a class on persuasion and a class on communication & gender. here's hoping they dont suck ass.
#speculation nation#knocking out the last 2 classes for my communications minor this fall#and hopefully i'll get approved for the 4th class so i can take 4 classes in the fall (easier classes)#so my spring (which will be tech-heavier) will be Hopefully lighter. we'll see.#between tech and com the com classes r much easier to bullshit lol#will i actually learn anything? who knows! i certainly didnt learn a single thing in my intro to com theory class#but i still managed to get a C+ lol. wild considering i didnt go to a single class of that#(online class. i was bullshitting HARD and i still managed to pass. Go Me!)#anyways im ready to fully apply myself to my last year of school etc etc & finally graduate#and say sayonara to this bitch ass place. im SO over it lmfao.
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i miss the era of internet where all we got were anime fansubs made by people who had the time to do what they enjoyed
#translations of everything have started to suck more and more each passing year. everything is rushed out so quick theres no time to#localize literally anything#this is specifically the OFFICIAL dunmeshi anime subtitles saying theres not going to b a duck with an onion or something#ok. that wouldnt have even needed localization. you just didnt translate the fucking thing. you cannot take a saying and directly translate#all the words in it and expect people to get it#also theres a culture of ppl who know a language being like 'uhm. why did you translate it like that when it literally means xyz'#like yeah sure i'm sure translating everything directly ignoring the original prose and flow and meaning is going to be great#yakuza is the only game series i trust to b translated properly tbh. bc of the safe sects joke.#i wish ppl hiring translators a very pay them more and give them more time to work#is this rant even coherent. after ages i managed to fall asleep around 4 am and sleep a whopping 2 hours before waking up#and then i tried to go back to sleep bc i am so incredibly tired but then the clock hit 8 am (i have one of those clocks that chimes every#hour) and i just gave up and decided i need to write down what ive been thinking about for#the past half an hour#though i feel this is missing over half the context i thought of but idk bc im so very tired gdhwbfks
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actually panicking a bit rn
#there was something i was supposed to do before i can get my bus pass for college that i didnt do until literally now#and it can take up to 4 weeks to process#but college starts in a bit over 2 weeks and i cant rlly be paying 拢25 a week for bus tickets until it gets sorted#didnt have to do this last year which is why i hadnt done it til now#i mean i have to enroll onto my course on friday so i can try and get it sorted then but. its just a fucking nightmare
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SO fucked up that when u study languages they also make u study architecture history and ant biology and economy and european politics hierarchy so by the end of the semester i still cant tie a proper sentence in any language but sure i can differentiate the neo gothic style from rococo or tell you what a bull market is
#shut up dave#im tired im tired im tired i dont care abt any of this#i mean i do enjoy architecture and art periods. i dont want to be required to know all of them#i have an exam tomorrow and one on sunday and one on wednesday and one on next saturday#then on monday and tuesday and the following saturday and monday too#and frankly. im only confident i can pass 3 maybe 4 of them#for the rest??? idk ill need to study and im very bad at that#but hey we got the grades back from the first exam!! the one i took last week and i got a 9 yippeee#that is out of 10#it was in german interpreting n like. genuinely. im good enough at consecutive interpreting that i dont think theres a way 4 me to fail#like even if i mess it up i cant do THAT bad#i had to do it 4 english today and i think i fucked up sooo big it was so embarrassing. but then we got to the critique of my performance#and. it was all the usual nitpicks? like few word choices#the occasional discordance with adjectival conjugation. few points that 'havent clearly come across'#in my mind i had missed like a whole half of the speech but apparently it was p good still#now the problem is. same prof who teaches that subject also teaches specialized languages#and im. very bad at that one for simple reason that i have not processed any information all year#um maybe next time dont make your class about the stock market? idk just a suggestion. i dont care for wallstreet or whatever.#tho to b fair i didnt care for the european parliament last year either so ig u just cant win me on those terms#but if we get to specializing on the judiciary field i think i wouldnt be able to keep ignoring it. because of the circumstances#i have two more shirt designs to finish before the month ends but as u can see school wants me dead at the same time#one of said designs is a full 7 character thing :/#and the other. well ive already made 3 thumbnails for it and nothing rly clicks the way i want it to
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i just spent all my treasure geneing a pair ive been planning for over a year and theyre fucking related
#i want to scream#what the fuck#why didnt i check before i gened them. fucking idiot.#flight rising#i want to explode and pass away#i was like oh yeah im def getting back into fr mmmmmm no i think im done actually#fuck shit god damn#THEYRE SIBLINGS they have the same god damn mom and ive had them for over a year unaware of that#i was so excited#ughhhhhhhhhhh#i used to have 4 dragons so that i had like. 2 sets of the pair.#so i must have exalted the wrong 2.#cringe boy -_- im only this peeved bc it means nothing but i was really excited abt them#theyre supposed to be a little jackolantern pair ):#speaking
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nothing will remind you how many people should not be parents like the comment section of a video of a four year old being upset over something.
#i dont get the videos themselves on my fyp i get responses to or discussions about them but its still so. like wow!! please dont have kids!#a few weeks ago it was some little girl who kept trying to open presents under the tree and her dad just kept yelling at her#and all the comments were talking about like. how they think her dad should beat her???????#she was like 3 or 4. explain why we cant open presents and redirect her to another activity. what the absolute fuck is wrong with you.#and then the one that was going around monday/tues with the parents who got their kids a trip to disney for Christmas#but what the kids unwrapped was a suitcase full of clothes with a shirt at the bottom that said they were taking a trip#it was like a7-8 year old and a 3-4 year old and the little kid was disappointed! bc she didnt understand what it was!#and all the comments are talking about punishing her! when its the parents fault! shes a little kid! she cant manage her own disappointment#help her understand what the suitcase means and get her excited dont just film her fucking crying to post online#i understand the eugenics inherent in 'you should have to pass a class to be allowed to have kids' so i dont seriously advocate for it#instead you should have to sit down with me for an hour long interview and i tell you whether youre allowed to have kids.#carly.txt
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oh also! i have like written chapter 1 of the letterbrey and aubrey story based off of that drawing i did and im like planning on just making it a tumblr exclusive story??? maybe??? i dont know if id post it in ao3 cuz well... embarrassment... i dont think if its a good enough story to post in ao3... horribly rusty in terms of writing and the general plot of that one is... something i am terribly unsure of.
#aria rants#wanted to get back into writing and that story became the test subject#and its also smth that im not all that confident at???#its canon divergence mainly!#basically same events as canon pre-main game#the changes will be mostly on aubrey as she wont be alone anymore#and so the gang gets together again way earlier#but then theres the problem with sunny shuttin himself in still#and then the truth of mari's death#so like in that au and story the truth gets known much earlier than 4 years#so like everything is accelerated in a way#time set is basically 1 year after mari's death#so the thing that happened between kel and hero passed#and thinkin bout it now its actually a pretty heavy au cuz they all havent healed properly#but then theyd later known of the truth but like i was thinkin at least it didnt take them 4 years yk???
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i computed my first sem gwa for the first time and it's 1.5 and here i am flopping the second sem away from the 1s and keeping it close to the 3s (ive been getting 2s, a little close to 3 but not 3 but still!). i can just imagine my department head's expression when she gives me my second sem grades lmao i did tell her i cant be her candidate for the latin honors because im really lazy
#in here 1 is the highest and 1.5 = 93/95#im surprised tho wow i cant believe it. i didnt compute it cause whats important is i passed and can move to next sem#and now im struggling huhu#ill get there but i dont think i can raise my grades to a 1 like before and i dont think i even want to hahaha i just want to pass#and not get deficiencies that's all#i just want to complete the 4 years and not extend#cause i still got prof ed and masters and phd on the way :') im going to be an academic yall!!#ako
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i cannot emphasize enough that i ship bbrae in a very trans, very gay, very QUEER way and i just simply cannot relate to the 90% cishet content out there... like have fun but the vibes arent doin it for me most of the time!!!
their vibes are SO specific to me... and ive only encountered a very small handful of people that have had the same view of them ksjdksn....
#raven is nonbinary as hell and likes everyone but tbh prolly unlabeled#she doesnt see a reason to find a specific word to deacribe her ...#but if prompted she would probably say nonbinary or genderqueer#gar is a bisexual trans man but not like 100% a dude either. hes got some special gender juice goin on#like hes every single creature in the animal kingdom.. he doesnt feel fully *HUMAN* let alone fully *male*#and he tbh takes a while to see/accept his sexuality but he does eventually#by the time hes like 19 hes probably accepted the fact that he likes men (and everyone else)#like he always liked guys but he figured it was just... admiration of his cool older teammates#also also gar knew he was trans super duper young so his birth parents knew/accepted him and let him name himself#he of course named himself after his favorite lasagna loving orange cat. bc he was like 4#he kinda regretted it bc garfield is a super dorky name but he likes the nickname gar a lot so he kept it lol#also the doom patrol also knew and accepted him but he didnt actually start transitioning until the titans#galtry knew but did not accept him and usually refused to call him by his chosen name :/#like gar passed well enough at that age so he had to refer to him accordingly to keep face but he didnt ever respect gar in any way#also about the bbraes specifically istg they need to be at least 21 and have know eachother since like 15 to be anywhere close to ready#like if they tried to date amy time before that it would absolutely not go well custheyre both too immature and young to be with eachother#like they could date someone else. someone easier. bc they are not easy to be with. theyre both difficult broken lil bastards#and they need years of maturity and built up trust and friendship and mutual understanding before taking that leap#or else the leap will lead to falling into a giant ravine and dying (metaphorically)#basically they need to be best friends before they make that move bc theyre both too messy for it to work out otherwise...#so theres years of pining and a while where each of them actually KNOWS the other feels the same... but they know neither of them is ready#so i imagine its less of a 'woah theyre together now!!!' and more just... the next logical step when the time arrives#they come together slowly and gently and without fanfair... (until kory finds out and screams so loud the entire tower hears it of course)
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Whats really strange about life and relationships is that someone might not even have done anything WRONG to you, but their actions and impact have rewired your self-image in ways that still is notable even after years has passed, even if it was something minor. Like you can see very clearly how A caused B, even if it doesn't seem proportional and you can still FEEL the effect in your bones.
#amanda rambles#personal stuff#fooled around with one of my closest friends and had some vague period of flirting with him and I#i dont think I ever emotionally got passed it. those half-almost interactions. the unclear vibes.#me kinda wanting to be with him but also not. it was a MESS for sure#would never say he did anything wrong. if anything Im the coward who didnt wanna face him directly abt it.#but it just. left a weird feeling abt myself physically and romantically.#stuck in a world of what-ifs and like#It rly hit ya late a night staring into the mirror IT IS WEIRD#the way it was like 4+ years ago im sure but...yeah
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today is nutty. weather is great tho.
#xoxo#nutty in a semi good way tho. nutty as in we've been finding humor in it.#store manager s. . .we'll call him sms. he wants 2 cc racks on either side. . .#i told him we just dont have the product to upkeep it but he doesnt care abt having to pull from tables he wants smth at thw front.#so ok! he wont complain abt 4 empty tables inside then. . .or 3 1/2. . .i think i can keep like. one table semi full inside but i'm#clearing the 3rd. . .also b and o are on halloween shit and gcf is here and so is z.#had a guy walk in and out twice with shit. theres a baby raccoon stuck in a tree petrified of all the l*wes employees cooing over it.#its been off and on rainy. ive been here for uhhhh. 3 hrs?#planning to work a 5hr i think. have 15 hrs left. blah.#dn from m*t has signage for plants and is like 'another day' ok but what other day dude. . .i'll need to be here prob.#ive cleared all the shrubs finally. all 9 are gone. just the one rack of perennials out front that i cant find space for.#im going to gather annuals for the front door and pass it off to b or o to put out. . .#it was kind of funny bc sms was like. talking abt plants and how stuff would go for the rest of the year.#and i was like ??? yeah ik this. i worked this store last year. and he was surprised.#so that tells him a) hes rly got the wrong picture of me and b) im more 'senior' then he realized bc the one with more years gets more#hours OR gets to stay longer. but in my case the one with one more year than me doesnt do shit so my boss is giving me everything.#still. ik abt mums and christmas wreaths. sir.#at least he was normal abt it. he said he didnt care what it was and that when pog changes i can switch it up but just to habe the rack#fair. that's fine.#b kept talking over me and knew that she was. i was just making sure he knew that we have no annuals. he wss like. yeah ok.#this sat in my drafts from hrs ago but im posting it now lok
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SORRY I NEED TO YELL ABT SMTHN REAL QUICK IGNORE IF U DONT LIKE REFERENCES TO DUDES BEING VIOLENT
thinking abt the time i was waiting outside my science lesson and some kid in my class straight up choked me against a wall (not in the good way. we were 13. and i dont like men) idk why he did it either i think i was being annoying or smthn but like. what the fuck. LMAOOODHASJFHUIA i fully forget abt this so often and then it just like returns to the forefront of my mind and refuses to leave for 8-10 business days.
#this and the dude that wanted me to call him mommy. idk why he said that bc im into women and didnt actually know who he was#anyway choking guy was str8 up obsessed w me like girl why do u hate me That much literally all i did was tell u maybe to stop saying slurs#i was like tiny so he straight up like picked me off the ground by the throat it was actually quite disturbing#and i fully forgot it happened for like 4 years#LMFAOOOO#it comes back to me occassionally and im just hit with like a wave of omg wtaf is wrong with men#tw violence#?#personal#sorry needed to yell abt this somewhere bc i feel like im going insane every time i remember this happened like#wdym some guy i used to talk abt lotr with as an 8 year old fucking throttled me when we were 13#talked w an irl abt this a couple months ago cos i wasnt sure if it was real or not and they were like omg i remember that wtf#lowkey passing this as a joke as if it doesnt make me incredibly uncomfortable LMFAOOJDHFUI its not like super deep or anything but its jus#weird
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slowly voicing my concerns abt being handicapped and iv been treated with nothing but understanding. Everyone keeps tellin me to get on benefits lol cause we are SO lucky to have social security and access to meds and such its just... I already have a handicapped status which I am ashamed of. Anything further paperwork wise is just a valid on INK confirmation that the me from less than 5 years old is dead. That in 5 years I have become. a fucking handicapped bitch !!! Thats litteraly what I am. There are things about me that are wrong. And I have to make do. Great. Fucking great. I used to dream about matching my peers and becoming a wonderful animation student and then master. And I'm learning that my dreams were in vain. That I had no chance to follow up in the first place. That their improvements are constant and exponential but mine take 5x more time. And the worse is that they always did. So I always did 5x the work because i REALLY wanted to be fucking good. I wanted to be Louie Zong man. But I no longer have the energy. If i socialize for more than 5 hours one day I need an entire day break from that. I need immediate silence after idk. overusing my ears or something. I cant look in the eyes anymore im in kaput mode. Meanwhile people my age have an entire portfolio, have worked on multiple projects that have been available online, have build up experience, edited graphic novels .... What the fuck. All I have is yaoi. 馃 there isnt a word to describe how pathetic i feel. I am dust on their boots. If I cant physically follow then why do I still have the same ambitions ? Why cant i fucking give up the desire to become GOOD. not iust GOOD but like NOTEWORTHY GOOD. Wat am i looking for but the love i have lacked while growing up. Its so annoying. wats the point dude. let go. i am average. not even noteworthy bad. just not noteworthy. and 11 y old me is just looking down at me
#i am having ok days#but as soon as i have a passing thought yhat i try to write#it becomes something terribly depressive#sometimes i have tears in my eyes bc im making realisations while typing !!#this journaling thing is kind of reassuring. indont know#not#like ill ever reread any of my posts#but i have been hurting for like 4 excruciating horribly injust years#and its finally coming out#and i have been gravely impacted by these years.#iv always had a MAKE A TONS OF EFFORTS mentality that gave me the energy to attempt to apply to my dream school for 5 consecutivr years#i#never gave up. i got in. bipolar disorder fell#on me and i got kicked out#and i keep thinking abt this all the time. abt how different my life woulda been if bipolar disorder didnt decide to trigger THIS fucking#specific year#or if i was diagnoaed BEFORE i got kicked out#its all been downhill ever since that time#ive beem dramatically fallin up a mountain and hitting rocks in my fall and im still falling#but i no longer have any evergy. and that is the worst of it. i dont have it in me to fight anymore#ive lost my only quality which was a stubborn desire to be good#im empty
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noo way my cousins here
#i dont think he remembers what i look like i havent seen him in like 4 years#well ive seen in in passing#but yk#i had to look him uo in the fucking year book cause my dad keps asking me i see him around#and i didnt know what he looked like#post posting#this is so hashtag awkward
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Oh yeah I remember now! The thing I was supposed to post that I forgot! It was about my dead OC. Turns out I DO have a dead OC, it's Seph's older sister. I'm thinking bout her now and the more I do the more I realize how tragic her life is so now obviously I gotta expand on that. As a treat for the other OCs that'd be affected by the death (something that past Aria forgot to do so I'm taking up the mantle for that).
#aria rants#gotta search up terminal illnesses too. cuz sera (her name is seraphina!) died young due to an illness (died at around 18)#i think its tragic in the way that she didnt get to rlly live out her life fully. she went about living her life as best as she can#in the short amount of time she has. she rlly wanted a younger brother too so having seph was the best thing ever for her#but she didnt even get to spend much time with him anyway (seph was 4 years old when sera died) and seph doesnt even#remember the time he spent with her too cuz he was way too young for it. then theres the parents that went and neglected#seph after sera's death. every part of the house has remnants of sera everywhere cuz the parents couldnt move on#sera's ghost haunting the house long after she died all because of their parents that couldnt let go while practically treating#seph as the ghost... and then theres also alec who was around 11 when sera was 18. sera who adored alec as a lil brother#before seph came. and even after seph was born she still liked being around alec and is always visiting their house while#carrying seph. and then theres alec dragging ray along with him whenever sera visits so she ended up gaining another lil brother#in the form of alec's childhood best friend. sera created a small lil circle to make herself as happy as possible before she died#but even then that wasnt rlly enough. she had so much she wanted to do and dreams she wanted to fulfill but all of that#just vanished... thinkin bout how all the ppl sera gotten close to in the short years she's been alive felt after her death#thinkin bout how sera felt as the days passed by and her illness grew worse. what she thought as her death neared
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