#diet logan can suck my left nut

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls Season 1, Episode 21 ("Love, Daisies, And Troubadors"). Part 1

WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS EPISODE: We're on the last episode of Season 1! Luke "Fixes Lorelai's Porch Rail" and wakes the neighbors. Lorelai asks Luke to Pound One More Thing while he's out there. Lorelai has a dirty conversation at work with Max. Max watches Lorelai suck on a ring pop. Luke breaks in Lorelai's back door. Clara Forrester needs a foster home. Rory pours her heart out at a town meeting and everyone pity claps.

"Ms Gilmore, I'm here to fix your porch rail.* "Well, my porch rail does need a lot of screwing, hammering, nailing, and pounding Mr Danes." *porny music begins playing* (disclaimer: this conversation did not actually happen). "You're gonna wake the neighbors." (this was actually said)

STOP LOBBING ME SO MANY SOFTBALLS! If you keep making all the dirty jokes for me I'll be out of a job reviewing a 22 year old tv show to 3 people on a dying social media platform! Luke disappears as Rory shows up causing Lorelai to loudly exclaim "He was banging on something!" about 4 times. You wish.

Michel Wisdom: "I've made peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner and usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui." Max calls Lorelai at work and they have a converation insinuating some kind of roleplay situation recently took place and they also talk about having sex withdrawals. Remember the time Max called Lorelai at work and they had a conversation about removing each others pants? Poor Sookie, already suffering from ennui, and the rest of the kitchen staff have to hear Lorelai and Max talk about how someone should write a novel about their Sex. Does she know about Archive of Our Own? Does she know that in the future a number of people will have written novels about her Sex with Luke? But not ol Max Medina.

Oh no, Rory found the DeanBox that she told Lorelai to throw away. Of course Lorelai didn't throw it out. Let's be real. Who's the one who really wants to hang on to pieces of Dean here? Lorelai explains that Rory "Is gonna want some of that stuff one day, when you're old and married, and you can look back and say "I certainly had an interesting life!" I'm sensing a theme here, which is that Dean's lot in life is to make Rory's life more interesting for her mother. Sure, Rory is going to want to keep her Dean box until she is old and married. Girls always keep boxes of their high school boyfriend's random shit for decades. "You can pull out all your old boyfriend boxes." I DON'T CARE THAT HE'S STILL 5 EPISODES AWAY, WHERE IS THE JESS BOX?! What was in the ChristopherBox? The box of expired condoms that led to Rory? I KID. I KID. Contents of the DeanBox Full Of Garbage Pointless Crap were as follows: Idk what the first thing was supposed to be-a dress? A stuffed chicken. Box of corn starch. Quarter on a string ("medallion"). OH WHAT PRECIOUS MEMORIES!

I love the Caboodles case in the background. When you're all grown up and married to your StepCousin Jess and open up your Deanbox, maybe the quarter will have appreciated in value. Rory is hesitating to enter Doose's because Dean will be working there. We're STILL doing this? Boycotting small businesses, hurting the local shopkeep every time you break up with a boy? Oh, the shopkeep here is Taylor, carry on not giving him your money.

Lane starts jumping up and down OMG'ing and freaking out just because Rory is going into the market. She didn't even have a plan yet. Everyone in this town has rotting fish carcasses for brains. The "this" is Dean & Rory getting back together. God help me. Time and time again, we see the primary lesson of Gilmore Girls is this: Don't date someone who lives in your small town. After your inevitable break up, you'll be doomed to wander the streets, unable to enter any businesses, and eventually you will starve to death. Don't shit where you eat, as Milo would say.

Honestly though I love Lane. How could you not? Taylor accuses Rory of looking like a shoplifter. The nerve! Like Rory would ever steal anything!

Mikey's an improvement from Dean! Go for it Rory! "He took Thursday afternoon off. He must have met one of those Thursday afternoon girls. They're slutty girls who get guys to switch their Thursday afternoons with another checkout guy so they can go do slutty Thursday afternoon things." It's fine if you want to calling hypothetical girls you don't know sluts, so we'll just keep calling you Mary, it only seems fair. Rory: Lane, you'd tell me if you ever saw Dean with another girl at school? Well, she never told you when Jess stopped showing up for class, so idk how reliable this girl really is.

"Suck my left nut" is my catchphrase of the week, and Diet Logan can suck my left nut.

Classic Diet Logan. DL lies to Madelyn and Louise by telling them Rory agreed to go with him to the PJ Harvey concert, which enrages Paris, who is still infatuated with Tristan, apparently, for some reason.

Shut up Rachel, can't you see there is a dalmatian behind you? Show some respect. Rachel: Luke's been at your place alot. Lorelai: Yeah, well, he's been fixing some things. The porch rail. Some roof shingles, then the porch rail again. Luke's been spending an awful lot of time "fixing the porch rail" Eh? Eh? Heh heh.

A Troubador War is a brewin'. Luke scares Lorelai when she unexpectedly finds him in her house. The following exchange requires no further commentary from me: Lorelai: How'd you get in here? Luke: I came in through your back door. Lorelai: My back door's locked. Luke: Well that's why I came through it. Your back door lock was broken. Lorelai: My back door lock is fine. Luke: Your back door lock is cheap. (this exchange goes on way too long). #BackDoor Nitpick Time! My favorite time! Same episode:

Lorelai Gilmore, Milk Denier. And a cracker denier as well. (She once said she didn't keep crackers in the house when a box of Saltines was clearly visible in her kitchen in the same episode). "I'm a loner." "I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner." "Some guys are just natural loners." "Yes, lonely guys." "Independent guys." "Sad guys." "Maverick guys." "Lee Harvey Oswald." "John Muir." "The Unabomber." "Henry David Thoreau." "Jess Mariano." Okay you got me. I made that last one up.

Being a Milk Whore is more honest than being a Milk Denier, Lorelai. But is being a Milk Whore more respectable than being a Thursday Afternoon Supermarket Slut?

The House Of Forrester. House of The Damned.

Sure she's annoying as hell, but how did Dean's parents spawn an otherwise normal child? Honey, I have some news. I think you were adopted.

Apologize at once, Rory Gil. Poor Clara didn't ask to be born a Forrester. She doesn't need you traumatizing her too. Lorelai's bringing Max to a town meeting to pop his Town Meeting cherry. And oh boy, it's gonna be a good deflowering.

You have to admire MaxMedina's earnest enthusiasm about Ring Pops, like he just discovered the wheel. I was eating Ring Pops in the early 90's. Stars Hollow is at least a decade behind the times for everything, so I guess it checks out.

A sea of weirdoes. I'd say that if you packed any more oddballs into that tiny room you'd open up some kind of vortex to another dimension, but Stars Hollow is already not of this Earthly realm.

The American political landscape.

Piece of literal human garbage. I haven't dunked on Dean in a bit so I had to let it out. I get all backed up otherwise. Subjecting minors like poor Clara to one of these meetings should be classified as child abuse. Anyone want to open up their home to an incredibly annoying but sweet foster child?

Boring old MaxMedina just soaking up the weirdness and sipping his drinkydrink.

How does a Town Troubador make a living? Is this a volunteer gig he takes too seriously? Taylor somehow didn't know he existed, so this is not some local government-sponsored initiative. Clearly no one is going to pay him in tips. No one even pays for their food at the beloved local restaurant. Taylor asks him "what do you do for a living"? to which he responds "I don't want people to know those things." Ah yes the old Jess Mariano approach. A gigolo? A WalMart worker? A "messenger" for a guy named Todd? Miss Patty: He doesn't accept money. I tried. So not a Gigolo then. Taylor: This troubador act is a money making scheme! Prett-y rich coming from Taylor Doose who spends 7 years putting together "Fundraisers" to repair a tiny wooden bridge and is totally not pocketing the money. Taylor's the type of guy who says things like "no one wants to work these days!" but then this nice gentleman is out there trying his best probably hoping for a few bucks thrown into his guitar case, which is a pipe dream since this is Stars Hollow and no one pays for anything, and Taylor calls him a vagrant and a scammer. Taylor: Watch out Morey, after that anatomically explicit epithet your wife yelled at me earlier, you're both on probation. Oh Babette! I'd love to know what she called him. A cocksucker? A dickhead? Did she tell him to suck her left nut?

Pervy old Max Medina only bought Lorelai a ring pop for one reason and he's thinking he got his money worth.. Looks like Lorelai returned the favor and bought him a hot dog to suck on. The speech to follow is one of my all time favorite Rory moments and I truly enjoy it (ironically). Enjoy. "I have something to say!" *awed hush falls over the town hall* "Sometimes you have something to say but you can't because the words won't come out! Or you get scared or feel stupid! If you could just write a song and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot of yourself! All of us can't be songwriters, we'll never be able to say what we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again! Ever!"

I was about to type "And then everyone clapped" as a joke. And then everyone actually clapped.

Honestly, Barfbag's puzzled reaction to Rory's speech is the most reasonable one. Where the fuck that did come from Rory Gil? She took one look at that soiled mattress Dean Forrester and suddenly a prepared speech comes flowing forth?

Yeah. Everyone briefly pity-claps for Rory. Lorelai gives her a small hug. No Babette yelling "you go Sugar!" or anything of the sort. We see another brief shot of Dean looking confused. The meeting concludes. I applaud Rory's lack of social anxiety. If I gave an impromptu speech like that in front of what I would expect was a supportive crowd and no one even reacted, the humiliation would be a debilitating weight I would carry around for at least the next 15 years.

"Let's go home and you can suck on my Ring Pop." Tumblr only allows you to post 30 pictures per post, but just like Rory Gil, I have a lot to get off my chest, so I will continue this in a second post/ part 2. See you soon...

[whataboutmyfries]

Hey! welcome to my very first smut fic ever :)) ngl to you guys, it’s probably gonna be rusty so constructive criticism is always appreciated.

characters belong to the wonderful @lumosinlove

~

Leo was pissed. You could practically see the smoke coming out his ears. The team had been playing some stupid prank where they pretended he wasn’t there; You know, your average juvenile shit that the lions did. 

What bothered him was that someone— or rather, two someones— had decided to continue the game after they’d left the locker room. They’d been especially infuriating on the way home, what with all the cheek kisses and loud singing and hands on thighs. Leo was going to implode.

What was worse though, was that Finn and Logan had decided to watch a movie, something mushy and adorable that Finn had picked. Logan had just shot Finn a look and Finn had grinned mischievously, the two boys flopping down on either side of Leo, holding hands in his lap.

That’s how they’d landed up in the position they were in now, Finn and Logan kissing right in front of Leo’s face, Leo being able to do little but watch.  

Finn had changed into a pair of gym shorts, the fabric hanging low on his hips as he walked into the kitchen, tugging his tank top free of the waistband.

“Lo, want some ice cream? I think I might have gotten an extra tub….”

Leo froze. No, Finn wouldn’t. He wouldn’t dare. Leo loved ice cream and had somehow talked himself into a diet where he’d been forbidden from even looking at the damn thing. He’d finally finished the diet plan yesterday and had immediately gone out and gotten himself an enormous tub of Ben and Jerry’s.

Unfortunately for him, his boys had talked him into saving it for tonight, so they could all curl up on the couch to watch a good movie with their ice creams.

Big mistake. 

Because now Finn was walking back to the couch, ice cream in hand and a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Logan’s eyes flicked to Leo’s before quickly looking away, a shit-eating grin splitting his lips. 

That’s it. He couldn’t take this anymore. 

Blue eyes met Hazel as he rose to his feet, stalking over to where Finn stood,  the redhead yielding a step at the intensity crackling in the pale blue irises. 

“L-Lo, I think there’s a little breeze somewhere, can you feel it?” Finn stuttered, trying valiantly to ignore Leo’s smirk. Finn knew he was fighting a losing battle, and Leo knew it too, grinning wider as he backed Finn against the kitchen counter. 

Finn heard a vague “oh fuck” from somewhere on the couch as he lifted his head to look Leo in the eye, the weight of the taller boy pinning him to the marble. 

“What was that you were saying about the ice cream Harz?” Leo casually brought his hands to rest on the counter, conveniently caging Finn in. 

Finn gulped, his hands shaking around the cold in his palms. Leo’s eyes trailed down before he reached out a finger, catching a drop of ice cream as it melted.

Leo locked eyes with Finn, raising an eyebrow as he put his finger in his mouth and sucked, his tongue flicking out between his lips. 

Finn’s breath caught, even as he saw Logan touching himself out of the corner of his eye, his snapback knocked out of place by the couch. 

“What Ice cream? I-I was just getting these for….all three of us.” 

Leo hummed, his eyes tracing a path down to the bulge in Finn’s shorts before walking back to the couch, his breath rushing out of him at the sight of Logan; spread out on the couch, head tipped back, hand down his sweats. 

Leo’s looked back over at Finn,  who was now leaning heavily on the counter, eyes fixed on Logan. 

Leo just smirked, getting on his knees in front of the couch. “Want me to get that for you Tremz?” 

“Merde, Nut. Je te veux tellement.” 

Leo smiled, tipping Logan’s chin up, he shot Finna a look before kissing Logan, with a bruising intensity, his hands sliding up to pin Logan’s to the couch, pausing to flick his snapback off on the way. 

A whispered “holy fucking hell” had Leo smiling into the kiss, Logan’s lip quirking up at the corners. Leo bit Logan’s lip making him gasp, his hips involuntarily bucking up. Leo smirked, climbing on top of Logan, a hand sliding down his torso to slip under his shirt. 

Logan gasped at the icy fingers that trailed under his shirt, featherlight touched that had him panting as Leo’s lips stole the breath from his lungs. Leo used the leverage to pull his shirt off, tugging it up to tie his wrists together.

“Better be good for me Tremzy” Leo whispered, leaning down to kiss his neck, licking and sucking at the sensitive skin. 

The sound of footsteps had him sitting up, pressing a finger to Logan’s lips as hazel eyes met his. 

Leo let out a low laugh, “Oh no Bambi, I have plans for you.” He beckoned the redhead over, watching his throat bob as he gulped.  “Sit on that chair. You’re not allowed to touch yourself. You can’t come until I say so. Understand?” 

Finn swallowed, but obeyed, a heady combination of lust and frustration swimming in his eyes.

Logan’s emerald eyes trailed Leo’s cold fingers down his body, the former hissing softly as Leo’s cold fingers slipped under the waistband of his boxers, wrapping around his cock. 

A strangled moan ripped out of Finn’s throat as he watched Leo strip Logan bare, the blonde pausing to rip his own shirt off and blindfold logan with it. 

Leo’s eyes didn’t leave Finn’s as he slid down Logan’s body, pressing open-mouthed kisses to his thigh, his hands slowly working Logan’s dick. 

Finn let out a moan, biting his lip as he reached over his shoulders to grip the back of the chair, his muscles straining with the grip he kept on the chair. His eyes screwed shut as he tried not to come in his pants. 

To his eternal surprise, he heard a choked gasp from the couch, his eyes snapping open to see Leo staring at his arms, mouth hanging open. Finn grinned to himself, letting his head fall back as he groaned. 

Leo was practically drooling before he saw the little smirk on Finn’s lips. He grinned, a mischievous glint in his eye as he lowered his mouth to Logan’s cock, never breaking eye contact as he took him in deep. 

Logan’s legs jerked around Leo’s head, and Leo laughed breathlessly around his length, taking him in further. 

Finn was going to implode, he was not going to last, the sight of Leo sucking logan off too much for him to bear. He was about to tell Leo as much when the blonde beckoned him over.

Finn groaned, walking over as Leo pulled Logan in for a kiss, his hand pumping Logan’s cock in between their chests. 

“Bet you wish you’d been a good boy before hmm?” 

It was taking every ounce of self-control in Finn’s body to not come right there, especially as he saw Logan panting, bound and blindfolded next to him. 

“Fuck me”

“Oh, I plan to mon cheri.” Leo purred, tugging Finn in for a savage kiss. “I can’t resist those fucking Bambi eyes”

Logan gasped, tugging against his binds. “Merde, Leo touchez moi” 

Leo grinned. “Impatients, sommes-nous?” 

Logan just groaned,  struggling against his binds. Leo looked at Finn, raising an eyebrow. 

Finn needed no further prompting as he leaned forward, his lips crashing into Leo’s while he climbed into the taller boy’s lap. Leo groaned, a hand sliding down Finn’s back to grip his arse while the other reached to pump Logan’s cock. 

Finn groaned aloud as Leo’s mouth trailed kisses down his neck licking and sucking as he went.  The sight of Logan on the couch while Leo kneaded his ass almost drove Finn over the edge. 

Leo’ hand slipped around his cock and Finn jumped. 

“Fuck Leo, Your hands are freezing!”

Leo laughed against Finn’s neck, his hands picking up speed as he groaned, Finn’s fingers pulling his cock free.

“Come for me, mes amours”

The sight of Leo and Finn orgasming, their heads thrown back as they thrust into his hands, had Leo gasping, thick ribbons of white falling over Finn’s fist. 

“Merde.” Logan gasped, his legs falling limp while he gasped for breath, arms and eyes still bound as his body went slack, sinking against the cushions.

Finn let out a breathless laugh, his head tucked into Leo’s neck, his fingers twined in the blond hair. 

“Damn, Nutty. I have got to steal your ice cream more often”