#does anyone else get it…….. gripping sink staring into mirror etc

[mausolealdrift]

macking cheese from the michael wave……. i don’t know why fnaf has me in a chokehold yet again but im having fun w it. i also think we should let michael afton listen to a little bit of metal as a treat. just a little bit

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 54

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47 || CHAPTER 48 || CHAPTER 49 || CHAPTER 50 || CHAPTER 51 || CHAPTER 52 || CHAPTER 53

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: this is the break-up from his POV. next chapter will be the very last one and im super excited for it but stressed also. so any love, comment, question, etc, that you send me makes me so happy i cant even explain how much :)

Chapter 54 : His chapter

NIALL

I was done with work earlier than usual, perhaps because I couldn't seem to concentrate or do anything good. The words didn't want to come out and if someone had just met me, they could believe I had never touched a guitar in my life. I closed my eyes when I got out of the building and inhaled deeply. I had stopped trying to forget the words Olivia had told me. They kept hitting the sides of my brain like a fucking screensaver and it was torturing me.

"I can’t stop loving you, no matter how hurt I get. No matter how sad you make me. No matter how tough this is. Because it’s so tough dating you, Niall. I never thought it would be so hard."

I had never stopped myself to think about how hard it was to date me. In fact, I never cared before and I never stayed with someone long enough to think about it. All I really understood with her words was that I kept hurting her and making her feel like shit, and that despite that, she still loved me and would stay with me. It should be a relief, but it actually brought a constant feeling of guilt and pain inside me. What kind of monster does that? What kind of person was I if I just kept her around while hurting her? What kind of person was I becoming and how would I be able to look at myself in the mirror after that?

I felt something stir in my stomach and started walking in the city without a specific destination. I didn't want to go home and I was not sure why, I pushed my hands in my pockets, my mind still on my girlfriend and everything we had gone through in the past months. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I loved her. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and I knew i'd never feel like that for anyone else.

"Love is not everything." I let out in a low voice, repeating her words as I tried to let them sink in. "But it should be, Olivia, shouldn't it?"

I sighed, knowing i'd never be able to tell her that face to face and stopped walking for a few seconds. I breathed in and out, focusing on the air in my lungs but despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop my heart from beating hard against my rib cage. It was ridiculous. I wanted to be with her, I wanted our story to last, but the simple thought made me feel uneasy. Heidi was right, I didn't want this to be the last experience i'd have, whether it was emotionally or sexually, and I was not ready to commit, at least not the way Olivia was. I held my breath wondering if I was lying to myself about the guilt and pain I felt knowing that I kept hurting her and that maybe it wasn't the real reason why I wanted out but I just shook my head and opened my eyes. Both reasons were real but they felt very opposite. Letting go of her because I kept hurting her and I wanted her to be happy looked like abnegation, but wanting to protect my freedom was selfish as hell.

I stopped at a cafe that was almost empty and ordered one before sitting alone at a table. I grabbed my phone to send my girlfriend a text message but quickly changed my mind. What could I tell her anyway? I was not going to break up with her in a text message and just sending her 'we need to talk' is a torture she clearly didn't deserve.

I started looking at pictures of us together and frowned a bit, swallowing hard. She had been nothing but a great best friend and a good girlfriend that did all she could to adapt to the lifestyle I was stuck in and I was about to break her heart. The sudden realization that I was really going to leave her came to me and made my whole body throb. I felt nauseous and I gripped the sides of the small table until my fingers turned white. I didn't really want to do this and at the same time, I knew I had to, and not only for her, but also for myself.

I stared at the dark color of my coffee for a while, hoping I was actually drinking something a bit stronger. I was not going to, though, if only to be sure I wouldn't be intoxicated when i'd get back home to tell her. I owed her that, didn't i? Plus, I was sort of expecting her to fight back or beg me to change my mind, and I knew it was going to be hard resisting, but changing my mind would only mean postponing the whole thing.

I sighed and brought my hands together as I played with my fingers. It was ridiculous to be nervous for that but at the same time, being totally zen about it would be even weirder. I got up quickly and threw my coffee in the bin, suddenly impatient to get rid of this discussion but after a very quick walk, when I stood in front of my house, I was not so impatient anymore.

It took me half an hour to walk in and I only knew because I actually counted the seconds in my head. My hands were sweaty, my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest by my throat, and something was permanently stirring in my stomach.

I stared at the doorknob for a while before turning it and walking in. She was sitting on the couch and when she turned to me, my eyes fluttered as well as my heart. She waved at me, a small smile playing on her lips, and I felt my heart swell with love. I sent her a small smile, trying to contain my feelings inside, and just went to get changed into more comfortable clothes. I stopped by the bathroom, staring at my reflection for a few minutes, thinking about how much of a coward I was, and when I came back in the living room, I just sat next to her without sending her a glance. She immediately cuddled me and I felt my heart twist in my chest. It felt good to be close to her and I desperately wanted to take her in my arms, but I couldn't stop telling myself that no one can have everything. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I felt her lips brush on my jaw and it felt incredible. I remained tensed and motionless but when she grabbed my hand, I couldn't handle it anymore. I quickly got up and walked quickly to the kitchen. I heard her voice calling my name twice but I ignored it until I felt her closer.  Instead, I grabbed a beer in the fridge to ease my nerves. When I turned around to lean against the counter, I noticed she remained close to the exit as if she didn't really want to have the discussion we were about to have and frankly, I didn't really want to have this discussion either. That's when the worst words ever created came out of my lips.

“Look, Liv, we need to talk.”

I looked at her facial expression change into fear and it hurt me so much that I had to look away. I bent down to take an other beer and opened it before handing it to her. It took her a few seconds but she walked closer and grabbed it from my hand, her fingers brushing against mine. Why did her touch always make me feel like that?

I took a few sips from my drink as I repeated the same sentence over and over in my head without really wanting to say it out loud. I made sure I was not looking at her but when I finally gathered enough courage, my gaze finally met hers.

“I think we should break up, Olivia.” I let out firmly even if deep inside, that was not how I felt. “At least, for now.”

A feeling of relief washed over me as these words dropped but it immediately left me completely when I saw her face. Her beer slipped out of her hand and ended on the floor but I just kept staring at her like I didn't notice.

"No..." her voice was low and I could swear I heard it crack slightly. "Why?"

I pushed myself off the counter and passed my hand in my hair nervously. I didn't want to explain everything to her and telling her I was doing that to stop hurting her felt stupid even if it was one of the reasons why I was breaking up with her, just not the only reason. I also didn't want her to blame herself, what good would it bring? I'd rather be the bad selfish guy, perhaps it was going to help her get over me quicker.

“I’m just not ready for a relationship.” I just pointed out, raising my shoulders. “I don’t want to commit, be official, and everything.”

“I’m.. i’m not the first girl you date. You dated Maya before me? And a few other girls?”

I was a bit surprised by her question because to me, the difference between her and all these other girls was very obvious. How could she compare herself to girls I never really wanted to be with? Girls I never really loved?

“I didn’t love any of them, I knew I wouldn’t stay with them.” I explained, putting my beer on the counter and walking up to her slowly, scared she was just going to run away. As I feared, she took a step back. “But what we have is real.. it’s deep, I mean, it could last forever.”

It was scary how I meant every word I had just said. I knew I was going to end up with her but I also knew it wasn't going to start now. Our love story couldn't continue for now but it would, at some point. I had never been more sure of anything else in my life.

“That makes no sense.” she whispered to me. “What are you talking about?”

I was a bit hurt that she didn't understand and somehow, I realized that she didn't see things the way I saw them. She didn't believe we'd end up together in a few years. She didn't understand why I was breaking up with her now and why I had stayed with the other girls I dated, even if I hadn't dated any of them for as long as I dated her. How was I going to explain that to her?

I walked closer and felt a small relief when she didn't back away. My eyes roamed on her face as I brought my hand to her cheek, brushing my fingertips on her soft skin. I looked at her fondly, and held my breath. She was beautiful, and It was unbelievable that I hadn't noticed just how much before we started dating. I was so blind before but now, I could see her. I could really see her. Perhaps it was simply because I was in love with her but who was I trying to fool? There's nothing 'simple' in 'being in love"... and I was. I was madly in love with that girl. My eyes dropped to her lips and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss her. I wanted to feel her mouth against mine for the last time in a very long time. Her lips parted and my heart jumped in my chest. It took so much strength not to bend down and kiss her when every fucking fiber of my body told me to do it.

“I’ve never been in love before and I knew whatever I had with them wouldn’t last. But you and me? It’s different. We could spend our lives together.”

“And we were supposed to.” she argued as tears fell slid on her cheeks. “But you’re ruining it.”

I felt my heart jump up in my throat at the sight of her tears and had to twist the bottom of my shirt to make sure I wouldn't take her in my arms. She looked so sad and I felt like shit knowing I was the one making her feel like that but at the same time, I knew it was one big deception that would lead to her being happy again. Happy without me.

“I’m sorry, Olivia.” I apologized again, shaking his head a bit as I stared at her. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It wouldn't fair of me. “I know it’s selfish but i’m just not ready… i’m not ready to accept this as what i’ll go through every day. We fight and we make up and then cuddle on the couch… this is not what I want for me, this is not what I want for us.”

“Don’t fucking lie, Niall. You’re just not ready to accept that you’ll only wake up to me every morning, that you won’t get to see an other naked girl dress up and leave your room at dawn and that you’d have to call me to tell me you’ll stay late at the bar with your friends. It’s your freedom you’re saving over our love. It’s your fucking freedom that you don’t want to lose. And clearly you love it more than you love me.”

The truth behind her words hit me deeply and it opened a wound inside me, making me realize that my fears were real. I was a selfish person and there was no reason for me to deny it or argue with her about it. She was right and it hurt like hell to know I was not the only one thinking that.

“I love you so much. So fucking much.”

I didn't feel like I had the right to say it but I did it anyway. I was already seen as the selfish guy I was, and I was going to say everything I want to tell her no matter what. I pressed my hand on her warm cheek and her lips parted. I wanted to run my thumb on her bottom one before kissing her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her.

“Don’t you fucking touch me, don’t you fucking dare tell me you love me!” she said angrily, breaking my heart even more. “You don’t love me! I love you!”

“But I do! Olivia I do love you!”

It seemed like she was too mad to hear in the tone of my voice that I was begging her to believe me. I was not sure why I needed her to believe my words, though. Perhaps, an other silly whim of a selfish man.

“D'you want to know where you can put that love, Niall?”

My face twisted in pain again as I tried to keep my tears in.

“Don’t say that Liv, please…”

This time, she was crying so hard I had to turn around to hide the grimace I made as I teared up.

“Oh fuck off, Niall!”

She stormed out of the kitchen and I started sobbing low to make sure she wouldn't hear. Holding my tears and my sobs made my throat hurt and I wiped the tears quickly, just in time to hear her push the door of our bedroom roughly. I breathed in, trying not to show that I cried, and walked back to the living room. Her eyes met mine again and I had to swallow to make sure I wouldn't beg her to stay. Once again, we stared at each other for a while like we were both waiting for something but after a while, she just shook her head.

“I’ll pick the rest of my stuff later.”

She walked past me and my eyes fluttered at her scent. She still smelled of honey and vanilla and it made me want to grab her arm and pull her close to be able to smell it a bit longer. I didn't though, I just let her walk to the door and when her hand reached for the knob, I tensed. If it was the right thing to do, why did it feel like the worst mistake I ever made?

“I love you, Olivia. I always will. You’re the love of my life.”

I meant every word and more, I just didn't know how to express them. Not yet and not in words, but a bunch of lyrics came to my mind as she opened the door even if making something out of them would take time. She walked out and left the door open but it took me a few seconds to walk up to it. I saw her walk up to the street slowly, her bag on her shoulder. She disappeared in the rainy night and I lost her, maybe forever.

                                                      ------

I could barely hear the music around me or the people talking, laughing and sometimes screaming. I just focused on the pen in my hand and the way it moved on my napkin as I scribbled my thoughts and feelings. I didn't even get changed or anything. After Olivia left, I remained standing under the door frame for a long time just watching the rain pour hard on the cement until I realized that my tears were blurring the sight. Then I sent a text message and grabbed my coat to drive to the pub. It smelled like beer, cigarettes and cheap perfume but somehow, it comforted me and I sat on a stool to start writing. It's crazy how pain can inspire the human kind, and very sad at the same time.

I grabbed my beer and took a long sip of it before putting it back roughly on the counter and quickly write more words. They had to come out now or I knew they'd keep hurting the same way the tears that I kept it when I broke up with Olivia had hurt me.

"I knew you'd call me, didn't think it would be so soon, though."

I breathed in and my eyes finally moved up only to see Heidi smiling at me. My eyes roamed on her dress and normally, it would do something to me. Not tonight. My eyes moved back to my napkin and I felt her sit next to me and order a drink but didn't give her more attention. I should feel bad since i'm the one who called her but I think I just didn't want to feel alone. I thought about calling Louis instead but I had the feeling he was with Liv.

"So, your place or mine?" Heidi asked, putting her hand on my arm.

Her fingers brushed on my skin and instead to make me shiver like it should have, it made me frown.

"I didn't call you to fuck, H." I pointed out, my eyes meeting hers again. "I just needed a friend."

She kept running one of her fingertips on my skin and I licked my lips, glancing down at her hand.

"Come on, Niall, you're finally free." she insisted with a small shrug. "There's gotta be some perks."

Her words made me think of Olivia and as much as I wanted to take my arm back, it felt like I was frozen with pain. I felt half-dead without her but the part of me that was still alive was never going to give up. It was a small part but it really wanted to survive the pain I purposely put it in.

"Not tonight." I let out after a while, shaking my head.

"You think she's not shagging someone right now? Which friend of yours is she close to again? Louis yea?"

This time, I shook my head harder with a small smile. It was a ridiculous to even consider that option.

"No, no way." I chuckled. "He wouldn't do that, he still loves El. Olivia wouldn't that either I mean, we just broke up."

Heidi rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink as she shook her head too.

"No, you broke up with her, which means she doesn't owe you anything anymore, and you don't owe her anything either."

I looked down with a frown and stared at the paper I had in hands, re-reading the words I had written. Olivia and I were going to end up together at some point, I could feel it, but it wasn't now. I felt my whole body throb suddenly and I felt a bit dizzy at the thought of losing her forever but quickly cleared my throat and looked up at Heidi.

"I'm sorry I called you, I'm not ready for that."

Her facial expression changed but she sighed a bit too loud and nodded.

"Alright then, can I have a ride home?"

I took my beer and swallowed what was left before searching through my pockets for money to pay for both our drinks. Heidi got up too and grabbed the napkin with my song on it as I finally put a bill on the table. I saw her reading it and frowned, snatching it from her hand quickly.

"That's personal." I just let out, pushing it deep in my pocket and walking past her to get out of the bar.

I heard her follow me quickly outside and noticed that she wasn't wearing heels on that day, which was quite surprising. We both got in my car in silence and she waited until we were almost at her place to turn her head my way with a frown.

"You really believe the words you wrote or do you simply think it'll make a good song?"

I sighed, not giving her a glance, and kept my eyes on the road.

"I believe every single word." I explained after parking in her driveway and turning to her.

She sent me a weird look and a sorry smile as brought her hand to my cheek.

"Niall, don't be delusional." she let out in a whisper. "We're not in a fairy tale, this is real life. In a few weeks you'll feel differently anyway, I promise you'll be over her."

I moved back slowly, feeling her fingers slip off my face and it was her turn to sigh.

"I'll be waiting for your call." she just pointed out before moving closer to kiss my lips.

It took me by surprise and I held my breath as my heart jumped against my rib cage. Why did that feel like cheating?

"Goodnight, Niall."

"'Night."

The ride home was short but I couldn't seem to slow down the beatings of my heart. I brought my hand to my mouth a few times, trying to wipe Heidi's kiss from my lips and felt myself tear up when I realized she was now the last person who kissed me. It was not Olivia anymore, and it really hurt like hell.

I rushed inside and grabbed my guitar, putting the napkin on my coffee table before sitting on the floor. I started singing a bit, trying to find a melody to this song as my fingers slid gently on the strings of my guitar. I was also trying to to let tears out and to just concentrate on the song I was creating but had to stop after a while. My eyes kept moving on some of the words I had written. I had passed with my pen on the words over and over again and the sight of it made me swallow. By re-writing them over and over, it made the ink darker and ripped the paper a bit. I was wondering if I did it because I really believed my words or because I wanted to make them real.

"I can promise it I can guarantee At the end of the road I see you with me"

[ill-skillsgard]

Dirty Demons, Part 3- Axel Cluney/Zeitgeist

Title: Dirty Demons

Description: It's nice to have a companion on the road to total self-destruction - a continuation of Sweet Demons

Warning: 18+ for sex/language/violence/drugs/kinks of all sorts etc.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

He looked me straight in the eyes and I smirked when I noticed again that one of his irises tended to slide out of place from time to time. It was always the starting point of my analysis of Axel's face. The scar that dashed his cheek stood out right after and led my gaze across the summits of high cheekbones to a nose that turned up more innocently than what should have been allotted to a man of his perversions. Aside from his wandering eye, his face was entrancingly symmetrical with lips a shade shy of rose red. Down his neck, I fixated on the vulgar tattoo that he had marred his pale skin with long before we had ever met. Eat shit and die. The only thing about Axel that seemed different was that he didn't sport as many metal rings. His choice of fashion was still unsettling and he had an undeniable aloofness that only seemed to melt away in the face of... Well, me. He was a chin-up, take-no-shit-from-no-one menace to society that liked to spit in the eyes of authority and enjoyed drawing attention to himself in the worst ways possible yet somehow, I still found him exquisitely cool and magnetic. Being with Axel was like carrying around a polished loaded pistol. Equal parts empowering and terrifying. I couldn't deny that I was still paranoid that word would get out about Axel's return and that somebody would decide to collect the bounty of having put a bullet between the eyes of a deserter. When we rode together I found myself checking my mirrors more than what was necessary just to make sure nobody was tailing us. After the encounter we had had at the Four's clubhouse I was almost certain that we would run into trouble somewhere along the line. Maybe not immediately and maybe not soon but something screamed inside of me that danger would find us on our journey. Axel did his best to distract me but I could tell that he was overcompensating for his unwillingness to let me in on the details of the last two years of his life. Sex was always his weapon of choice and I had to admit that it did work on me for a little while. The first thing we did when we got into our hotel room- proceeding a long and drawn-out argument about where we should stay- was drop our bags and our pants again. Axel had fountains of stamina and an unrelenting libido that my body was constantly being charged with. To be on the receiving end of Axel's remorseless fucking was not without its benefits though and he never neglected my pleasure for too long. Bouncing on his lap or being forced up against a wall, taken from behind, on top of the hotel bureau, in the shower and everywhere he saw fit to sully became the altar of ceaseless passion. The hotel room sheets didn't stay fresh or crisp for long and by the time we took a breather they could have used a changing. When Axel stared at me with his assaulting eyes it was easy to pick out the flecks of nebulous green and slices of dull blue. I drew back to better take in his expression. It looked like a thousand different things scrambled to pour from his mouth but the only thing he managed to ask sent me reeling. "Marry me," he whispered. "Axel... What the fuck?" I laughed but he did not crack a smirk. "Don't laugh." I couldn't help but giggle in anticipation of a smile that never appeared. It wasn't until he drilled me even harder I realized he wasn't just kidding around. "You're not serious," I scoffed. "Does it sound like I'm fuckin' joking?" "No, I guess not." "Well?" Fleering still, I let another laugh slip from my throat and it only served to knit his eyebrows together more tightly. "Are you going to lay there and laugh at me or are you going to answer me?" "Axel... We can't get married." "Why not? Don't you love me?" "Oh my god, Axe... Where is this coming from?" He sat up in bed with a huff of frustration. "What does it matter where it's coming from?" "You don't strike me as the type to let yourself get tied down so easily." "Easily?" He grew tired of my derision. "Angel... You think it was easy for me to find you? You think it was fuckin' easy for me to endure months and months of self-discipline and torture just so I could finally say with confidence that I'm not scared to murder somebody by accident?" "Torture? What torture? What do you mean?" "The shit I had to do to harness control of this... This fucking curse was worse than anything your spoiled ass could ever possibly imagine." When I reached out to touch his arm he flinched away but I did not surrender to his flaring emotions and chose to instead grip him harder and pull him down to the bed again. "You're a fucking asshole, Axe. We argue all the time. Why would you want to... Do that?" I asked. Axel gripped my face and kissed me hard before pulling away, "I like it. You're not afraid. You're not scared of me even though you should be. I'm scared of myself." "Why are you scared of yourself? I thought you had everything under control?" He relaxed back into the bed, sinking into the fluffy hotel pillows and sighed as his gaze rolled to the ceiling. "I do. At least... I think it's under control. You're certainly testing my fucking limits though, woman. If anyone's going to make me choke up a ball of acid, it'll be you." We laid there in silence for a couple of minutes, Axel no doubt reliving his past traumas and me biting my tongue and mulling over the thought of us becoming an old married couple. When I looked back over at him exhibiting the same look of unease, I squeezed his tattooed bicep to take his attention back. "What happened after you left?" I pressed. Axel continued to stare up at the ceiling as though the peaks of stucco were revealing secrets to him. He shrugged his shoulders and I watched the bones shift beneath his pale skin. With his right hand, he raked his hair back and heaved out a sigh. "I killed somebody. That amount is true. We were at some party. One of the other clubs was hosting this big bike show and some kid got in my face. Guess he didn't like the way his woman was staring at me." "Oh, of course, this is about a woman," I huffed. "No. It wasn't like that. Trust me. I was on my best behavior. I was still thinking about you and imagining breaking your neck for trying to ruin my chopper. This kid was just another biker wannabe looking to stir shit up. I saw him egging people on all night until he finally got to me. It all happened so quickly that I hardly remember a thing. All I can remember was the smell of burning flesh and the way it looked when his face started melting away from his skull. I watched his fucking eyes drip out of his sockets like egg yolks, Angel." "My god, Axel. That's disgusting!" He shot me a grave look as if to assure that I had no idea exactly how bad it was to be present for the carnage he inflicted. "He was a recruit. No patch or anything... But still. If it weren't for Max, I would have been hung on a hook and used for target practice. He somehow managed to work that Sweet charm and got me out of there, bullethole-free." "What happened after that?" Axel sat up in bed again. He couldn't get comfortable as he readied himself to tell the rest of the story. "The club sort of turned on me after that. Nobody wanted to come near me. Even Max was afraid to get close to me. I was 'volatile' as they liked to put it. They pretty much had me quarantined. So I left." "But you didn't tell Max, did you?" "Not until I was already gone." "So you did desert them then?" "I had to. I don't expect anybody to understand me or my reasons for leaving but I wasn't going to hang around while everyone flinched the moment I walked into a room. They were waiting for me to get pissed again. They were counting down the seconds until I went off and killed somebody else. I got sick of being the fucking carnival freak." "Where did you go?" "Down South. I had heard about this woman who could take away certain afflictions of the body," Axel rolled his hand. "I thought it was just some witch doctor voodoo bullshit but I'd have tried anything at that point. I met her but she wasn't anything even close to what I thought she would be. She wasn't a shaman or a witch and it wasn't as easy as me asking to be healed. She made me stay and surrender everything I had otherwise she wouldn't help me. I thought she was just going to brew up some potion shit and I would be on my way but it wasn't like that at all." "What happened? What did she do to you?" "She practically beat me to death with sticks and dowels. This weird woman. She had these, I don't know... Henchmen, I guess? Big fuckers and dumb too but they did whatever she told them to and they held me down while she hit me with rods and shit until I got so angry that I... Y'know... Let loose.  Every single day she would make me so fucking pissed that it would just come up. She had me locked up in some kind of barn like a fucking animal and every day she would come down with these two huge bastards and they would just push me and push me until I couldn't be pushed any further. But I realized what she was doing after a while." "What was she doing?" I pried. "Forcing me to control myself. At first, I thought she was trying to kill me but I knew that couldn't be it. She kept me too well-fed." "And did it work?" "Yeah... I think so. Eventually, it started getting harder and harder for her to trigger me but that just meant that she busted my ass even harder. It was straight up torture. They tied me up and... Did shit to me that no person should ever have to endure." "Wow. Axel... I had no idea." "Of course you don't. Nobody does! Nobody has any idea that I went through Hell just to be able to come back here confident enough to know that I'm not a ticking fucking time-bomb." "So are you... Cured?" "There is no cure for what I have. I only have control of it now. It comes only when I want it to. As much or as little as I want it to." A presage of a smile plucked at the corners of his mouth. "Which means I'm that much more dangerous." "Axel... People will start looking for you. What are we going to do if the wrong person catches wind of where you are? What if somebody tries to kill you?" Swallowing hard, the smile that ghosted over his lips caught on and he looked up at me with those peculiar eyes twinkling. "I'd love for somebody to try." "I could kill you in your sleep, you know," I reminded him. "As long as you agree to marry me first." "Fuck you, Axel." "I'm not hearing no." ~*~ The haul up North was long, scenic and punctuated by piss breaks and pulling into truck stops so we could find something to eat, smoke and drink. The food selection on the road was unimpressive in between cities and we happened by possibly the shadiest bar that we possibly could have to break for burgers and beer. The only two patrons in the tavern looked like they could have been related to the bartender and provided us with uncomely sneers when we went in holding our helmets and making noises with our boots that cut into the old twangy country music crackling over two long-lived box speakers. Luckily the bar was so unwelcoming that we ate our food, chugged down a pitcher of beer, rolled joints in the bathroom and took off before anyone of them thought up a reason to assail us. I tried to get used to the fact that no matter where we went, somebody would have mean looks to give to Axel. He was a walking visual punching bag for the greater majority of people but it made me cling to him even more. He didn't know it but I silently swooned over my big, tall, inappropriately dressed lover who had ridden across countries just to find me and had subsequently and unceremoniously asked me to marry him. I refused his marriage proposal only because I knew it wouldn't be the first or last time he would ask. If we made it to Mumby and Lovesick Park without tearing each other's throats out and he could survive a meeting between my mother and me, then I could entertain the idea of us being together permanently. For Axel had his own problems and I knew nothing was going to prepare him properly for what was to come next. There was an emotional eruption surging beneath the crust of my skin and finding my mother could become the tectonic shift that caused me to burst. I feared for the hour of reckoning as a hundred undesirable scenarios taunted me. Landscapes of broiled orange, searing red, golden yellow and green sprawled for miles as we rode through roads carved from great hills of jagged stone. We sailed bridges overlooking vast lakes that shimmered in the selective sun. It was a cloudy day that changed a little bit with each small municipality we passed through. Sometimes it was clear and bright with blue skies dusted in wisps of scant clouds and other times it was grey and threateningly windy. The trees always responded to the atmosphere by shaking and shedding leaves or standing tall and vibrant in the Autumn air. The air whipping at me aroused all of my senses and I sped up, unable to keep myself from smiling as I gained momentum. The further we got from major cities the more beautiful the land became and I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to buy farmland and live away from the constant blathering of urban life. Axel could have his own shop and I could have acres of the forest all to myself to disappear into whenever I didn't want to be found. I had spent most years of my life dreading the thought of settling down and becoming a wife but when I glanced ahead at the back of the Widowmaker and saw Axel's face clothed with a black bandanna in his mirrors and the sunlight glinting off the dome of his helmet, I couldn't deny that it was crossing my mind. He could have been the one to change it all. Then I remembered all of the time and labor my father had put into the Motorcity Clubhouse and the bike shop that was home to years of tradition. I could hear his distant voice in my head shouting at me for even thinking about selling my childhood home and the one asset that set us apart from the rest of the world. Dad had spent too much time holed up in his garage tinkering with bikes or fixing cars for his friends and the locals for me to contemplate stripping it down and selling it off. I shook my head and tried to let all thoughts of my parents melt away. At least until we breezed by a big blue road sign welcoming us to Mumby Lake. Population: 2,045. ~*~ We didn't reach the park until night had fallen and the streetlights illuminated a big arcing sign with painted red letters that spelled out the name Lovesick Park. The quaint little trailer park was fenced away behind a thick stone wall and rows of fragrant pines to ensure the privacy of the park's residents. We rode through the entrance and followed a narrow dirt road that swiveled between trees and trailer lots until we saw what looked to be an administration office beside a large empty pavilion. The chugging of our bikes roused the attention of the lone attendant who had been sitting down with his dirty work boots propped up on a simple wooden desk. The kid had a fresh-out-of-high-school camp councilor look about him and when we walked in he dropped his feet to the ground and stood up, nervously eyeing Axel as though he was afraid of having a knife pulled on him. He shuffled from side to side and I could tell he was having trouble deciding whom to direct his attention to. The kid was tall but not as tall as Axel and just growing into his looks despite being smudged with dirt and sweat. "Hi there. I was wondering if you would be able to give us some information?" I cut right to the point to alleviate the obvious internal struggle the teen was having. "Sure. What can I do for you?" He answered. "I was wondering if you would be able to tell me if someone is in this park or if they have been here recently." "Oh," the kid's voice lowered. "I don't think I can help you with that." "Well, you see darlin'... I've been looking for my mom. Her name is Darlene Lockley. Goes by Dar-dar by those that know her well. We've been riding a very long way to find her," I pressed myself up against the desk with my arms tucked underneath my chest to draw the kids eyes downward. Axel watched his troubled brown eyes drop down to my cleavage then shoot back up to my face. Blinking as though he had looked into the sun, he let out another nervous chuckle and tried to avoid Axel's lethal stare that he could probably sense was beginning to burn into him. "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't really talk about the people that come and go here to strangers." "Can't you just look it up on your little computer there for me? I really need to find her. Like I said... We've come a long way looking for her. It's very important that I locate her as soon as possible." The kid wrung his hands and shuffled his feet again. "I don't have access to those kinds of records, ma'am. I'm sorry. It's all password protected, all the records and stuff. I couldn't look if I wanted to." "Somebody around who might have the password?" Axel piped up. "N-no. Sorry. Just me for the night." "What's your name?" I asked. "Greg," the kid replied. "Okay, Greg. My name's Angel and this is Axel. We came a very long way, as I already told you. Any information you can give to us would be extremely helpful. She rides a motorcycle. Probably had dark hair like me. She's a very difficult woman to miss. Can't you just tell me if you recall seeing somebody like her? I'm kind of getting desperate here. She's been missing and I've been doing everything in my power to find her and... if you could give me anything I will be extremely grateful. Think of it this way... if your mom went missing, wouldn't you appreciate any and all help you could get to try to find her?" "My mom's dead but... Yeah. I'm real sorry ma'am. I don't recall." I squeezed my fists and clenched my jaw. Greg was going to be of absolutely no help. He watched dumbly for our reactions in hopes that we would concede and leave him to continue watching whatever garbage television program was playing on the old tube TV perched on the corner of the desk. The dead end that we had hit suddenly blinded me and I could feel anger begin to boil in my gut. There was nowhere left to go. "Very sorry to hear about your mom, Greg. I suppose... If you really have no information at all, our search ends here." "How much for a campsite?" Axel sighed heavily, making his annoyance known. "Campsites are reserved only for trailers. You need a trailer and you have to complete the registration to station one here," "Damn, Greg... You're really a stickler for the rules, huh?" Axel scoffed. "I'm sorry. I just work here." "What if I said that we do have a trailer? Then would you let us rent a site?" Greg leaned over and peered out the screen door, saw our bikes glinting in the moonlight and then looked back at us. "But... You don't." "Whatever, Axe. I'm too tired for this. It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted. This really has been one shit pile after the next." "We have to find somewhere to sleep for the night, Angel. Let's go. We'll come back tomorrow." Greg grimaced as I turned away from the desk. "Wait... I'm... I'm really sorry. I wish I could help. But, I might be able to give you a place to stay the night. Maybe." "Maybe? What do you mean?" I asked. The kid peered through the screen door again and smirked when he saw our bikes still parked where we had left them. "I might be able to let you stay in one of the abandoned trailers if...-" "If what?" Axel pushed. "If you let me ride that green bike," his voice quickened with excitement over the thought of getting on the Widowmaker and taking it down the road. Axel nearly howled with sarcastic laughter. "Dream on, kid!" "Just around the park? Once? I know how to ride one. I ride dirt bikes all the time." "Dream. The fuck. On. Nobody rides the Widow unless they're on the back and have a pussy. Now, I'm not one to make assumptions but unless you have a hole and not a pole between your legs, it ain't fuckin' happening!" "Come on, Axe. Just let the kid ride it." "No! He can ride yours." "I don't want to ride the pink one." "Hey! My bike is just as good as his. Colours don't make it faster!" "Like fuck! No. No, no, no. We are not having this conversation. Now come on, we're tired. Just let us stay in one of your sites and I won't keep contemplating ripping your eyeballs out of your skull for staring at my woman's tits!" "What? I wasn't-" "Or even better... You tell us if you've seen Darlene then give us the keys to a trailer and maybe I won't duct tape you to your chair and set the building on fire!" Axel bumped into the counter threateningly, warning the kid that there wasn't much separating them and that he was crazy enough to make good on his promises. I watched the kid's eyes grow wide and the swift movement sent him reeling back, kicking away the rolling chair that he had been sitting in further away. "I like you Greg, but I don't have a tonne of patience left. So what's it gonna be? Are you going to let us stay here the night or are you going to make us get back on our bikes and leave? Because you know, I could really use a good sleep right about now. Might make me a little more open to suggestion tomorrow. Maybe I might feel a little more generous after a solid eight hours. Hm? Catch what I'm trying to say?" "Okay. Yeah, all right. Let me just go grab the keys," Greg poked his thumb over his shoulder. "Atta boy," Axel clapped his gloved hands together once, victorious over the teen. I sighed when Greg came back with a single key attached to a bent metal ring. He looked back and forth between us like he had another disappointing thing to say. "It's not going to be very welcoming but... There's electricity," he explained. "There a bed?" Axel asked. Greg gave a portentous nod that rose our suspicions about the state of said sleeping quarters. "Good enough for me then," Axel shrugged. We were led down a dirt road flanked by trailers that had been permanently affixed in their lots by solid wood awnings and decks that had been built around the portable homes. Some of them looked more like cottages and less like trailers and no two were exactly alike. Some were rusty and the tin sidings still had flakes of old paint spelling out names like "Predator Junior" or "Tundra Eagle". Lawn chairs and fire pits were abundant at first but the longer we walked down the road the less cozy everything looked. There was an old tube trailer that looked like it could have been housing a drug lab or the den of a deranged sex pervert and I held my breath in silent hope that it wasn't the trailer Greg was leading us to. I only let my breath escape me as we walked on by but I couldn't see much else besides the edge of the stone wall that wrapped around Lovesick Park. That was until we turned down the road and saw a squatly dilapidated trailer no bigger than a camper van and tall enough that the top of Axel's head may have scraped it if he wore his boots in. The roof was concave and about ready to collapse inward. The glass shutters were opaque and dirty, incapable of letting in much light, not that there was any to be welcomed. It made the silver meth-lab trailer look a lot more appealing by comparison. "Wow, Greg. Looks like there's been a whole lot of rape and ritual sacrifice performed in there," Axel chuckled. "Sorry, I know it doesn't look very appealing but... You can at least sleep on a bed." "A bed of nails, maybe. When was the last time someone was in there?" Axel kicked at the overgrown grass shooting up around the perimeter of the trailer. "It used to be my uncle's. He ran the park for a while." "We're not going to be expecting him back any time soon, are we?" "Nah. He's long gone. Bought a park out East after he sold this one to my dad. He used to let the groundskeeper stay in here for free." Axel and I stared at each other, unease permeating between us until he turned back to Greg with a smirk. "And the groundskeeper is now where?" Greg held out the keys for Axel to take. "He's gone too. We have a team that comes in every week now. They just come in with a big van, do their thing and then take off." "Well, that's nice. I'm glad Lovesick Park is making improvements," Axel handed the key to me with an amused grin. "Axe... Our bikes?" "Yeah. Give me your keys. I'll bring the bikes over. You go on inside and spruce up the place for us, okay, honey? Turn this little shitbox into a nice, livable little temporary home. Chase off the raccoons and you know, dust off the cobwebs and shit," Axel joked. "Greg and I will ride the bikes down." The kid's face lit up so much I could see it despite the streetlight barely reaching over the parapets of pine trees standing guard along the edge of the park. I accepted the key and once Axel clapped his hand on Greg's shoulder and started off towards the pavilion to get our bikes, I stepped up to the locked door of the trailer and shoved the key in. The lock resisted being opened and it took two hands for me to get it to budge. Once it finally turned I pulled on the handle and the door opened with a nasty ringing of old rusted springs. Scowling into the darkness, I felt a shiver go up my spine. I wanted to wait for Axel to come back before I set foot inside but I also didn't want to stand at the edge of the entrance for too long staring into the gloom of the forlorn trailer. Musty air and waterlogged wood panels were all I could smell and taste as I stepped inside and let the screen door slam shut behind me. The roof was so low it made me feel claustrophobic and I ran my hand along the walls to find a light switch. Once I located the switch I flipped it on and immediately wished I hadn't. The front of the trailer had a small table built into the wall opposite the entrance and one white plastic lawn chair tucked away underneath it. There was a glass ashtray filled to the brim with yellowed peeling cigarette butts and chalky ashes that had spilled over onto the surface. The many uniform nicks in the wood looked like they had come from the point of a blade and dust clung by the inch to everything from the blinds to the floor. When I took another step in, my boots crunched over dried leaves that formed a less-than-romantic path into the shallow depth of the rest of the trailer. The tiny kitchen was barren and I peered over into a little metal sink that a fat spider had turned into prime real estate. Tiny fruit fly carcasses were trapped in it's netting while it made quick work of wrapping another dead thing up in its silken threads. There were cupboards overhead but I dared not rifle through them for fear I might come across bigger skeletons than just beetles and flies. The bed was in the back and although it was big enough for both Axel and myself to sleep on, that was about the only thing about it that didn't give off a forbidding aura. Swathed in an old knitted blanket and bedecked with outdated throw pillows, I frowned and found myself wishing for a motel room of all things. I heard the sounds of two blaring engines approaching and went to the front of the trailer to see Greg riding the Widowmaker up the dirt road and Axel riding my bike behind him. As they pulled up and touched down to park, I could hear the kid laughing heartily. I didn't blame him for wanting to ride Axel's bike. The Widowmaker looked like a toy that a nine-year-old kid would design for themselves come to life. Greg gave it one more rev for good measure before turning it off and handing the keys and helmet over to Axel. "All right, junior. That's enough fun for tonight. Might want to get back to your post, eh?" "Yeah. I guess so. Well... Have a good night," I heard Greg call out. "See ya tomorrow, champ," Axel concluded, pocketing both my keys and his before securing our helmets. He opened the trailer door after locking our helmets and peered in with as much caution as I had. "Honey!" Axel exclaimed as he stepped inside and immediately noticed that he would have to duck to fit. "I thought I said spruce up the place?" "I think this is as spruced as it's going to get, husband." His eyes darkened lustfully at me before he scooped me off my feet and walked me down the narrow hall to the back room. The heaviness of his footsteps set the whole trailer rocking and I squealed when he tossed me onto the bed. "God, it looks like the spirit of someone's grandma lives in that fucking bed," he grimaced as he took in the image of me sitting on the shabby slab of a mattress with clouds of dust settling around me as I ran my hand over the wool blanket for him to join. "How many people do you think fucked and died on this bed?" I asked with a teasing smirk. Axel dove onto the bed beside me and rolled around until he had me completely encircled by his arms and legs. "Who knows. We'll probably be next," Axel gave a casual shrug. "I thought you weren't going to let that kid ride your bike?" "I know, I know. Small price to pay for such a luxurious accommodation though, right? I mean... Look at this place! Mold on the ceiling... These fine linens that definitely don't smell like old piss. And I don't even want to see how nice the bathroom is! It's so roomy! We should just stay here forever." "You know how I love the taste of dust," I mused. "Exactly! And look," Axel pointed to the crushed leaves littering the warped linoleum floors. "You get the rustic look all year round!" We giggled and made our jokes about the state of the little trailer until Axel rolled onto his back and sighed dreamily. He clutched at my hand for a moment before realizing his gloves were still on. After he peeled them off and set them on the checkerboard-sized table at the side of the bed, he resumed holding my hand until that bored him enough to pull me closer. "I could be happy here," Axel joked. "We could build a port for the bikes, get friendly with the neighbors. We could become permanent residents of Lovesick Park. Doesn't that sound nice?" "Hell no... If we ever get a trailer, it's going to be one of those big ass Winnebagos with everything in it. Smart fridge, microwave, leather seats, fifty inch TVs, king-sized bed in the back. Everything!" "Oh yeah? And where is all this money gonna come from, missy? You got seven figures in the bank?" I squirmed on the bed until Axel let me loose from his grip. I turned to face him so I could speak seriously and not have him fondling my tits while pressing his half-hard dick into my ass. "It's kind of weird for me to actually say this out loud but... Yeah. I have millions now, Axe. My dad left everything to me." "That makes sense." "No! It doesn't make sense! It makes no sense. Up until the last year he was around he had it in his will that the club and the property would go to my mom. I thought that's how it stayed. He knew that I didn't want anything to do with his shop or any of the bikes. Hell, I was supposed to go back to school." "But you didn't." I placed my hand on Axel's chest and toyed with the distressed neck of his shirt, pulling it down so I could properly read his tattoo again. "After he died, I got a call from his lawyer. I didn't even know he had a lawyer." "A good outlaw usually has a good lawyer." "My dad was hardly an outlaw in the end. Maybe more of a town mascot." "He was a legend. He is a legend." "Anyway, he must have had the will changed without me knowing because the lawyer told me I had a bunch of shit to sign and when I asked he said it was to sign the property over to me." "So how does your mom fit into all of this?" "I just need to know, y'know? I need to know why she just jetted and I need to know why she didn't come to his fucking funeral. My dad's exes from high school came to pay respect. Once I have both sides of the story, maybe I'll feel more comfortable owning a world-famous club." "Or less comfortable," Axel remarked. "I'm sitting on a gold mine. The property value is huge. If I sold it we could get that million-dollar motorhome and just cruise. We could go everywhere. Anywhere we wanted." Axel blinked rapidly, "wait, wait, wait. You're thinking of selling the club? Your house and the shop?" "I don't want to stay stuck in the Port like my dad was. Fuck... After he couldn't ride anymore he never left that place once and I just... It's full of bad memories and ghosts. I don't want my life to revolve around one or two fucking days of the year. I just want to be free and just fucking... Ride. I don't want to be tethered to an old tradition that my dad invented with his drinking buddies." "That doesn't mean you have to sell it. What about... What's his face? Bird-man? Your fuckin' loverboy back home running the shop," Axel snapped his fingers to help jog his memory. "Braun?" "Yeah. He already knows his way around. Why don't you just let him run the show? Isn't that what you're doing right now?" "See, that's where this fucking paradox comes in and makes me think about how I don't want anybody else to run my dad's business. He left it to me. Me! When he knew that I wanted nothing to do with the club for years. I can't neglect it. It would be such a slight on his name if I dumped all the work on Braun and collected the cheques." He stretched his long limbs out over the bed and gave a great yawn. I was feeling tired too but it felt good to finally talk to him about the inner struggle I had been toting around with me for months. Staring at me with his unforgiving eyes, he smiled and I felt like no matter which route I took, everything was going to be fine. I had him back and whether we were on the road or cozied up in a derelict trailer that barely blocked the wind, he would protect me. Axel would have my back. "We'll figure it out. Not right now though because I'm tired. But we will. We'll figure all our shit out and then... Then we'll get married and buy a fuckin' Winnebago and a trailer for our bikes." "I love you, Axe." "I know," he snorted "I love you too, brat."

[antisocial-mochi]

Fake Love Mv Analysis + Theory

HOLY SHIT I CAN’T EVEN! There’s so much to cover. I’m going to do things a bit out of order, but if you’ve watched the mv, you’ll know what order everything’s in originally. This is going to be a bit long, so please bare with me.

First off, when they’re all standing in the line formation, it’s very reminiscent of  an unraveling DNA strand. 

It’s almost like after Jin closed the curtain, it was like he closed himself off from everyone and everything. 

Then Jin’s huddled around the smeraldo flower shown in the beginning. Like he’s trying to preserve what’s left of himself. However, once it’s gone, it’s like Jin had nothing left to lose, therefore he disappeared. 

 Or the flower could be a metaphor for the secret of him hitting Jungkook and putting him in the hospital. It’s almost like his ‘fear’ is lack of control in situations. 

It’s almost like Jungkook observing Jin from a crack in the door.. (It’s seems he’s observing all the guys in some way, shape or form. I’ll list them as we go along.)

Then he’s running, trying to catch up with him. at one point, he’s running through the hallway that was used in both Awake and BST Japanese ver. and the floor is falling out behind him. It’s almost as if everything is disappearing because Jin’s gone and now Jungkook in the process of leaving.

(Which both of them have used the same room or a very similar room in recent times. Jin’s room is very similar the Jungkook’s room in Begin. Then at the end of this mv, as seen in the one teaser, the room with the hooded figure and coat racks is almost identical to Jin’s room; after it was destroyed.)

Then we see Taehyung with a phone that disintegrates to ash. It’s not real. Plus, all on the walls, there’s phones everywhere that later turn on. It’s like saying that even though you get all this love and attention, it doesn’t mean anything if it doesn’t come from yourself first. (Plus we have Save me/I’m fine written behind him.)

Towards the end of the mv, Taehyung is seen walking away from the hallway plastered with phones and looking up at “Save me” on the wall.

 Could that be him realizing he doesn’t need the love, nor the opinions of others? Is he beginning to see that he doesn’t have to stay in the box he’s been put into for so long because of who he is? Does he realize the only person that can truly keep you stigmatized, is yourself. Then in turn, he’s leaving it behind(?) 

Maybe he’s ‘fear’ was himself because, he killed his father in I Need U. Then when Namjoon didn’t come to his aid, maybe he felt like his actions weren’t as justified as he first thought. Therefore, he began to question his values/morals as a person; was he a good person? 

There’s also the possibility that the reason the phone is the center of Taehyung’s fear or darkness is because, he felt betrayed by Namjoon. If you remember they have a whole history behind them. They get in trouble together, promise to always have each other’s back, etc. Then when Taehyung needs him most and tries to call him, Namjoon doesn’t answer. Now whether the betrayal is intentional or not, is another ball of wax. At that point, it depends on what theory thread you want to follow. Namjoon could represent Taehyung’s ‘fake love.’ An unreliable friend, who knows things about you, things most others don’t.

(We also have this shot of Jungkook standing directly above Taehyung’s room.)

We also have Hoseok, who when he was first shown in the mv, he was surrounded by carnival rides/props. Not to mention, the merry go round. (Which is where his mother abandoned him as a child.)Then he’s laying in a huge pile of Snickers. His ‘fear’ is being abandoned, and his ‘fake love’ was his mother. 

It’s almost as if he’s being consumed by his truth/darkness. That or he’s acknowledging it, finally.

(Here’s Jungkook’s way of observing Hobi. Which feels very familiar to the clip of Jungkook looking into the keyhole in teaser 1.)

We have Namjoon kind of at odds with his reflection. It also seems like Namjoon’s ‘room’ is like a giant shipping container. Which, that would sort of make sense because, Namjoon’s been either in, on, or near shipping containers. Like in clips from the Run mv and the Epilogue mv.

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the handgrips behind Namjoon reminded them of the grips in buses. Much like the the bus he was on in the LY:Her highlight reels. The same bus he bumped into his girl on. Maybe because he wanted to impress her, he put on this other persona, or mask. But because he kept that mask on for so long, he began to lose or forget who he truly is and what he’s done.

Hence making his love for not only himself, but others around him, fake. Maybe his ‘fear’ is having to let go of that other persona, in order to find himself again. Or his ‘fear’ IS in fact re-finding himself, but not being happy with what he has to look at in the mirror everyday.

(And here’s Jungkook’s outlet to observe Joon.)

Now we have Yoongi. First we see him in a decrepit room, sitting in front of a brown piano. Notice the guitar beside him. Could that be the one his girl had in the LY:Her Highlight Reels? (He also throws it. )

Once Jungkook gets to the end of the hallway, it’s a dead end. However, there’s a boarded up opening in the wall. When he looks in, there’s Yoongi  all alone, sitting in a chair, staring at the boarded up fireplace. 

Then we see a flash of fire outside the room. Almost as if it were like a passing thought in his mind. Fire seems to represent Yoongi’s darkness/truth. So, it’s like he started thinking about it and the more he thought, the more aware he became. 

then he smiled, as if he were content with realizing/ acknowledging his truth.

Someone mentioned to go back into the HYYH notes and read Yoongi’s. There’s we’re told that Yoongi’s mother dies in a fire. So maybe the room he was in, was her room at one point.

Even though Yoongi was shown so much love by his girl in the reels, maybe he still felt like it wasn’t as real as his mom’s. Maybe he felt like her love was the only true love there was. What if he felt like his girl was going to try and use him. 

Maybe his ‘fear’ is being used/being depended on.

Maybe that’s why he pushes Jungkook away and even fights him. he afraid of having people need him.

In his most recent notes, they talk about him having a flashback to when he watched his house being burned to the ground. When he was asked if there was anyone else in the house, he said no. 

Maybe his mom was sick and depended on him, way more then was should be expected of from a child. Maybe he was tired of it and wanted to be free. However, then as he’s gone through life, he’s carried this guilt with him. That could explain why he attempted suicide, by setting his room ablaze. 

He wanted to go out the saem way this all started. Maybe he was hoping the fire would engulf him in the room, since it didn’t work the first time.

Moving onto Jimin. As talked about in past posts, Jimin is associated with water, much like Yoongi is with fire. 

We see he’s in the room, alone (yet again, keeping up that trend of him always being alone.) and looking around, obviously unhappy. At one point, we see him turn off the faucet of the sink behind him. Almost like he’s  had enough and stops the endless circle that is his lie, dead in its tracks. Or that could be Jimin bottling up his feelings,  (Hence with the water bursts from the walls.) 

Then, after the few scenes with Jungkook, (Which I’ll get to in a moment.) we’re shown the drains on the wall behind Jimin start to overflow and burst. Literally like the flood gates open and either side of him. Is that an indication of Jimin acknowledging the darkest parts of himself? (This is also at the same time Yoongi’s room goes up in flames.)

(There’s also a flash worth of a scene where Jimin has in hand covering his mouth. If you go back in my posts and read “Analysis of Lie Mv,” I talk about my theory as to why he does that. )

Jimin’s ‘fear’ is either death, or being left behind. We’ve seen throughout the storyline that Jimin seems to be ill. I’m thinking it’s most mental than physical, but I could be wrong.

He always seems to like living in the moment, rather than worry about the future.He doesn’t want thing to change because, if things change he could be written out of the equation.

Jimin seems to have the closest relationship with Hoseok, yet he’s replaced multiple times. First it was with the girl from the highlight reels. Then it was Taehyung in Euphoria.

It seems as though Jimin depends on Hoseok a lot throughout the universe. Hoseok keeps him grounded, keeps him from doing something stupid. The problem is, Hoseok doesn’t really know Jimin’s relying on him so much. So, while he’s looking out for others and running to other people’s aid, he’s unknowingly leaving Jimin out in the cold.

(I also want to point out that this is/could be Jungkook observing Jimin from above,not Jin like I initially said.)

Now for the scenes where Jungkook is looking at the waterfalls, it’s a little interesting. We see the wall of waterfall(s). We also see a pile of dust/ash/sand on the ground, along with the glass container that once held the Smeraldo flower. 

When Jungkook kneels down to pick up some of the ash/dust/sand and as it’s falling back down to the ground, we see the shadow of flower petals flying away. As we know, Jin’s always linked with flowers, more specifically lilies. However, the petals in the case aren’t lily petals, but still the point still stands. Then it pans out, and there’s petals floating through the air. 

Some have said that the flower could represent time. So,when we see the sand that means time’s caught up with Jin and the truth’s out. 

My question is, is Jin gone? Did he complete what he set out to do, or did something happen; like a sort of loophole that made his time run out? Because it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to leave, or ready to have things come crashing own around him. Hence why he tries to protect the flower.  

When Jin loses the Smeraldo and all that’s left is a pile of ash and the empty container, that could support the theory of him being gone. Or, maybe his spirit per say is moved to that all black room from Euphoria, where there was only a bed and the curtains. 

Maybe that’s like a limbo type of place he’s moved to, in order to save him from completely vanishing. Then maybe from there that’s when he tries to go back in time and fix things. (As discussed in a past post.)

Taehyung’s also been associated with the Smeraldo flower. In Singularity, he’s seen holding the flower in front of his mouth. Again, the truth that was untold. So, when the flower turned to sand, maybe Jin’s truth wasn’t the only truth finally brought to light. 

Somebody said when Taehyung was looking at the phone, it looked like he was looking and the Smeraldo flower.(I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s very hard to tell by the slight reflection in his eyes.)

Also doesn’t the first picture with the shadow of the petals feel familiar? This is a shot of what looks to be Jin’s shadow, releasing flower petals into the air.