#don't spike your blood pressure over a tv show

[snezario]

Technical Difficulties; Vo//x

A/N: The Ha/zb/in Hot/el hyperfixation continues... For the longest time, I struggled with how snz with a television screen for a head would even work but @stormyweaver solved that instantly ty friend (I don't even talk abt it in this fic lol)... Anyways I'm throwing this out into the world and hibernating for the next year!! Here's some very self-indulgent tv demon Suffering

You’ll have to try harder than that next time, old pal.

Alastor’s last words to him play again in his mind. The pompous freak. Which brings Vox to his current situation, standing in front of the stained glass doors of the Hazbin Hotel. He straightens his bowtie and raps on the door three times. Charlie opens the door just as his hand lifts from the third knock. Her shock at seeing one of the Vees at her doorstep is quite apparent. Vox smiles widely and extends his hand.

“Your majesty, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Vox, head of VoxTe-”

“YOU! You gotta lotta fucking nerve coming here!” Before Vox can finish, Angel Dust appears by Charlie’s side stabbing an accusatory finger towards him. Ah yes, Val’s favorite little whore. Almost immediately after, Vaggie is also standing before him, scowling. Vox maintains his sharp grin despite the intrusion and scoots away from Angel’s finger.

“I sincerely apologize for our previous interaction, Princess. Val, Velvette, and I have given it some thought and we were hoping to develop a mutually beneficial relationship. You see, the whole reason we even sent Pentious is because of your current sponsor-”

“Alastor?” Charlie interrupts, tilting her head.

Just the mention of his name is enough to send a volatile surge of electricity through his circuitry. Vox quickly unfurls the fist he unconsciously made and smiles.

“Yes, we seem to have got off on the wrong foot so to speak. Alastor (Vox says his name with such venom that Charlie shrinks back slightly), and I haven’t always quite seen eye-to-eye, but that’s no reason for the two of us to have any quarrel. In fact, we have a few ideas that we’d like to run by you and modernize what you’ve got here.”

Little Miss Bleeding Heart’s eyes light up, her positivity and compassion almost makes him fucking vomit, were he capable of such human vulnerabilities.

“Ohmygod, we would LOVE to have more Overlords on board with the Hazbin Hotel. Come in, come in! Let me show you around,” She beckons him in while Vaggie continues to glare at him suspiciously as he steps over the threshold, pointing her spear at him.

“One wrong move and I’m shoving this spear through your chest,” she threatens.

This is actually the first time he’s stepped foot in the building. It’s not nearly as hi-tech as his VoxTek building, probably that radio fucker’s influence. Husk flips him off from the bar in the back. A small black cat weaves between his legs, purring before settling in on a nearby couch.

Before he can comment on anything, an unmistakable shadow glides along the floor before his rival manifests in front of him. Vox’s blood pressure spikes as he stands face to face with Alastor. The radio demon is wearing his almost patented grin (the smiling freak), seemingly unperturbed by the Vox’s presence at the hotel.

“Ah, if it isn’t my so-called ‘rival.’ Trying your hand at redemption?” Alastor smirks, twirling his staff nonchalantly. Vox’s hypnotic eye swirls with momentary fury. He takes a deep breath and instead of rising to the barb, Vox flashes his own demonic fangs.

Charlie begins the tour in the foyer, showing him every minute detail. Of course, he’s not really listening at all. His attention is momentarily diverted when he feels an unusual tingling in the back of his screen. It passes just as quickly as it appeared. Not giving Vox much time to contemplate it, Charlie drags him off to another room in the hotel.

As they walk around, Princess Morning Star continues chattering excitedly about having sappy conversations in the parlor. Despite Alastor’s insistence that he has better things to do than babysit his media rival, Vox can feel him following close behind them. Not only that, but it’s becoming more clear to him that something is wrong. The fuzzy feeling is starting to become more than just a minor inconvenience. He tries to ignore the rising wave of panic in his chest. He just updated his software not too long ago.

“Soooo what did you think?” Charlie’s looking at him with puppy-dog eyes. He looks around and realizes that they’re back in the lobby. Apparently they made an entire loop of the hotel and now Charlie is expectantly awaiting a response. He opens his mouth to speak but it’s at this moment that the fuzzy feeling becomes outright unbearable. And, unfortunately for him no amount of ignoring it seems to do the trick. The buzzing sensation crests and the veneer of self-control crumbles. His screen glitches out as his body snaps forward as he is overcome by the feeling.

hh’ZZZSHH’uhh!

The hotel lights dim during Vox’s expulsion, causing the residents to glance around in confusion. As the lights flicker back on, Vox realizes that the hotel has fallen completely silent. He finds that he’s also teleported 5 feet from where he was previously standing. Everyone is staring at him, their facial expressions a mix of annoyance, bewilderment, and amusement (from Alastor, the bastard). Angel is the first to speak.

“What the fuck just happened?”

Vox mentally repeats the same question to himself. What the fuck did just happen? Did he just… sneeze? He didn’t even think it was possible, at least not in his new form.

“Seems like our little video friend is experiencing some *technical* difficulties.” Alastor chimes in, the pleasure he seems to have derived from Vox’s predicament is quite apparent. Smug piece of shit. What he wouldn’t give to punch him in his perfect teeth.

His resolve wavers as he senses another prickle at the back of his head. Sparks generate along his frame as Vox tries to fight another surge of the unwanted feeling… to no avail. Vox’s screen dims as he involuntarily sucks in a sharp breath.

hh’zZZSHh! ihh..ihh’ZZSSHhoo!

The outburst causes another surge of electricity in the hotel, as well as leading a couple of the overhead light bulbs to explode. By the time he straightens up Niffty has already sprung into action, sweeping up the shards of glass that now litter the hotel floor.

“WHATTHEFUCK,” he spits out, unable to maintain his composure despite the fact that he had an audience.

“Hmm, persistent,” Alastor muses, thoughtful tapping his slender fingers on the top of his staff. While everyone else is still processing the most recent events, Alastor surveys the damage to the hotel. As scans the lobby, his gaze falls on KeeKee. Realization dawns on him. Ohoho, this could be quite entertaining, best he keep this bit of information to himself for now.

“I– ihh… I have to go,” Vox manages to say through clenched teeth. The less he said the better his chances were if he were going to keep the feeling at bay. He prepares to teleport out, but not before the sneeze he was so desperately trying to hold back, slips out.

ih’ITZZSSHhh! Godfuckingdamnit. To save himself what little dignity Vox has left, not that there’s much remaining at this point, he departs in a flash of light.

“Talk lat-” Charlie trails off as she realizes that Vox has already electorported out of the hotel.

“Well that was quite interesting,” Alastor spins his staff around before magick-ing it out of existence. He seems to have something on the tip of his tongue, but ultimately decides to keep the thought to himself, humming nonchalantly as he walks away.

Sitting on his couch, Vox groans and flops back. Well not only did that fail miserably, Vox embarrassed himself in front of the entire Hazbin Hotel family. He sinks deeper into the couch cushions as the entire fiasco plays in his head. His rumination is interrupted by a straggling tickle.

huh’zZZCCHh!

Dragging a hand down his screen, he sniffles (really?! this just got better and better) and sighs. This was quite an unpleasant experience, one he would not like to deal with again anytime soon. Somehow he felt this was Alastor’s doing, no he knew the radio demon fuck definitely had something to do with it.

[rynnaaurelius]

2 for the end of year asks!! :]

(Ask post HERE)

Hiiiii <3

2. favourite fic of the year 

I read too much fic. Hmm. Shit. We're turning this into Ryn's AO3 Wrapped: The Non-Embarrassing Version (Not An Exhaustive List At All). These were generally judged by how many times AO3 says I chose to re-visit them at 1AM and sob.

For screenreaders: Titles are hyperlinked, I'm @'ing the authors if I know they're on tumblr)

If they choose to see this: Hi. I think you're awesome. I'm just tagging you so people can find you #OnHere. I hope your Friday is rad. :)

Give him time by @obiwanobi personally came and murdered me when I went on another Star Wars kick back when Kenobi came out in June. Loosely canon-compliant, Obikin, and for big fans of characters who decide to re-work reality to bring the person they love back. Also, tragedy.

Accidental Baby Acquisition, which is basically What We Do In The Shadows + Baby. Carries the show tone off really well, is funny as hell, and features one of my favorite OCs ever in later installments in the form of Guillermo's sister Valentina.

The Uses of Adversity because I fell down The Sandman rabbithole like everyone else and "Crime Master!Hob", and this somehow became a comfort fic? He rescues Dream while imprisoned by Rodrick's son and it all spirals from there. Great characterization, great OCs, and there's a sequel happening!

Viable Alternatives, a House of the Dragon AU where Laenor exists to be more than a sad gay and artificial insemination exists! Big fan of how Rhaenyra doesn't get softened here and the Velaryons get more to do.

Time is a River was a real surprise to find, it's a time travel PJO AU that I thought was really fun--it makes Percy/Hermes work for me, which was a shock--and I kinda hope the author finds a sequel in them some day, (No pressure, of course; it was a gift to someone else, but also, it's rad and I want more).

I started reading Preserve or Raze by @foxyatlas before 2022, but the list doesn't feel right if I don't put it on here. It's a PJO AU where Percy winds up at Camp Jupiter, post-the original series, but I feel like it's cheating if I reveal the additional twist. Suffice to say, it is epic, has lots of shenanigans and worldbuilding, and I'd recommend it over Blood of Olympus anyday.

a girl who sees it all is super short, but it's a great Annabeth Chase bit, and I gotta include it.

Space Between is a Star Trek AOS one-shot in which Jim ruminates a lot in first person POV (I know! It's great! It works!) and looks pretty with his shirt off while Spock saves the day--as canon tends to go. Eventual love confessions ensue.

Went on a biiiig X-Men movies kick this year, which is the excuse for The Tower and the Hurricane being on the list. Set in a post-X-Men: First Class world where Magneto proves right and human-mutant war has ensued, and Xavier takes the school to his sanctuary. Lots of pining and tension set against a potential apocalypse, it's good times.

shoulder the sky (and the fic it inspired) is a fucking amazing Star Wars series featuring a lot of Obi-Wan whump, lot of pain, and a lot of the clones doing their best as the Jedi try to keep their shit together. 12/10, would watch everyone suffer again.

and we're gonna sing it again and again is the best Our Flag Means Death fic I have read, go argue with a wall.

kidnapping bruce wayne 'verse by @frownyalfred makes me laugh every time I read it, and is basically what it says on the tin: Bruce gets kidnapped a lot, he inevitably grows on the henchmen who are always contracted to kidnap him. There's a lot of unreliable POV in regards to A, the fact that Bruce is Batman, and B, Bruce is getting railed by Superman on a semi-regular basis, and it is prime comedy.

I regret nothing putting hand in unrebloggable hand (we go down together) on this list. Enjoy.

i won't be shamed by you is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer is except Spike is really into reality TV and gradually infects the Scoobies with it. Background canon relationships, but the point is that Spike is invested in The Bachelor.

let not time deceive you (you cannot conquer time) is a modern The Old Guard AU where everyone is still immortal but Nicky is a millennial college student, with a lot of pining, lot of grad school and Catholic Church criticism, and a lot of angst. Also, Quynh shows up towards the end and she's a fucking delight.

I am not just recommending as wise as heaven and crueller than hell just because one of the stories was gifted to me by you. It's also fucking amazing PJO and possesses superior Nico and Luke characterization.

[ageless-aislynn]

Spoilers for Halo 1x08

I’m saying that a lot today, lol. This is just a text thing, though. I’m still doing my next set of GIFs but I’ve seen this a bunch today so wanted to talk about it.

I do my best to not read comments in places like Twitter or Youtube about Halo  because it just gets me all frothed up for no good reason. People are allowed to dislike a show, I’m fine with that. But my goodness, the things that get some of these people RAEGING is scary. Just today I stumbled across such sheer anger over this last ep because...

Master Chief is supposed to be a virgin forever!

🤷‍♀️

(Yes, I legit read that line with my very own eyeballs. I can’t make myself go back and find the quote and screenshot it for you, sorry.)

Well, I’m pretty sure there’s a reason why he’s not stopping for some lovin’ in the game because, well, it’s not that sort of game, my good dudes. 🤷‍♀️ A TV show is an entirely different medium. Also, Chief in the game doesn’t have the same sort of hormone pellet that Chief in the show has that he removed. If game!Chief suddenly was flooded with all of the hormones and feelings that have been suppressed in him all these years, there’s no telling what he might be down for. I’m just saying. 🤷‍♀️

(Thanks to @mrtobenamedlater for pointing out that in-game John does have a form of a pellet, check the notes where he elaborates on that further. 😎👍 I edited my statement to say that show!Chief and game!Chief don’t have the same sort of pellet since I’m presuming that game!Chief’s couldn’t be removed as easily as show!Chief’s was. Though I could be wrong again, lol!)

But, but, but, Chief would never fornicate with a spy! He’s going to bring about the fall of Reach because he couldn’t keep it in his pants!!!1!11!!!

Again, my good dude, you’re reaching *heh* a bit there. Yeah, I suspect the fall of Reach might start in the finale. Makee now can give the Covenant their address after all. And none of that has to do with her relationship with John. She was giving humanity the benefit of the doubt because of her feelings for John, it was being tased and tortured and the like that flipped her back.

And then it finally dawned on me just WHY so many of these dudes might be upset: the sex scene was a love scene.

Thank you to @ladyknightskye for pointing that out! 😎👍

And as that it was a love scene, the focus was on feelings, not jiggling, naked body parts. We’ve seen both John and Makee naked in the show but here, we don’t. This scene was about two damaged people finding each other, not about them bangin’ like a screen door in a hurricane.

I’m pretty sure that if this would’ve been presented with a more typical “wild, screaming monkey sex” where they destroyed the room and the camera is crawling all over her naked body 99% of the time, these dudes would’ve been more, “Yeah, get it, Master Chief!”

Some of these people aren’t upset that Chief had sex. They’re upset that it wasn’t violent or even degrading (to Makee, of course). Or at least, that’s how it sounds to me. 🤷‍♀️

The rest of them can’t seem to grasp that Silver Timeline is not the game timeline and that the characters here are different than the game characters. They keep raging that they’re ruining Master Chief. My dudes, this was presented to you from the start as an alternative version of Master Chief. Things are different here, backstories are different. So therefore the characters will have some differences, they’re not going to copy/paste the characters from the game.

Like, did they miss Cortana being implanted directly into John’s brain instead of into his Mjolnir helmet? You don’t think that would give them a different relationship just on that alone than what they have in the game? Silver Team is not Blue Team. The Spartans were not told about their families in the show vs knowing in the game.

I mean, maybe it’s because I like writing a billion different versions of the same character, seeing how things change when you change the circumstances, that it doesn’t seem so impossible to get that distinction. 🤷‍♀️

Let me conclude by saying, of course, it’s fine for you to not like any sort of romance for Chief. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, a lot of people aren’t shippers and that’s extremely valid. Or maybe you don’t like John with Makee, also totally valid. Maybe the entire scene just annoyed you, valid again. This is just in response to people who just seem determined to scream about the show not being the game or who were just mortally offended that we didn’t get a “manly” sex scene instead of a “lovey-dovey” one. Dude, that’s fine for you not to like it. But you don’t have to come scream at the people who did. That’s not cool, not at all. Let people like what they like, let people dislike what they like. At the end of the day, we’re all fans and we should show each other some basic respect.

I’m sorry if you’re not getting the version of Halo you wanted, I really am. But if this show is making you this enraged, then don’t watch. Cut it out of your life like a toxic friend. Go enjoy the game. Go find a different show to enjoy. Just don’t boil in hatred so much. It’s not good for you. 😕

Okay, stepping off my soapbox now, sorry. 😉⭐

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, March 15

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Tiger Woods' car crash

Page 2: Bruce Springsteen has beaten the DUI charges leveled against him after federal prosecutors couldn't find a drop of evidence he had been drinking over the legal limit -- with an acceptable blood alcohol level of 0.02 well below the 0.08 threshold at the time of his arrest in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, prosecutors backed off two of their charges for drunken and reckless driving -- the rocker did plead guilty to a third charge, admitting he had two small shots of tequila on federal parkland and for that, he was fines $500 plus $40 in court costs

Page 3: Patrick Dempsey's dreamy return to Grey's Anatomy was a big hit with fans but his well-received cameo left series star Ellen Pompeo seething with jealousy -- Ellen may have permitted Patrick to revisit his old stomping grounds in Meredith Grey's fever dreams in season 17 but she doesn't want him coming back permanently and swiping her hard-earned glory and she considers herself the anchor of the show and thought she was rid of this guy after making the show her own, but now fans are begging for him to be brought back and Ellen is furious -- it's no secret Ellen hated the first 10 years of the show when Patrick was the star and she feels the series got better after he left and she became a big-shot producer, something she'd been demanding for years -- she likes being in control and calling the shots and clearly thinks she got this deal on her merit alone but it's also because she's the star who's lasted the longest; most of the original cast had already left and bosses had to cave in to keep her -- unfortunately being in charge hasn't amounted to better ratings and show has been slipping consistently in recent years and the main reason they brought Patrick back on was to spike the ratings, which it did and now producers are considering offering Patrick a full-time gig but Ellen will do everything in her power to prevent Patrick from stealing her thunder again

Page 4: Home reno gurus Chip and Joanna Gaines are clashing over his wild spending, and she's desperate to rein him in before they land in the poorhouse -- Chip and Jo are rich on paper and worth $20 million in property and assets but they were hit hard by the pandemic like everyone else and recovery has been sluggish to say the least -- they're just getting back on their feet and under a ton of pressure to get their Magnolia network off to a running start but Chip, as usual, is casual when it comes to money and it frustrates Jo to see him buying things they don't need, like new tools and equipment when the old ones work just fine and overpaying on lumber and masonry -- Chip is always shopping and not always for the house; he's got a boot fetish and has dozens of pairs, plus he treats the crew to free cappuccino and treats from their coffeehouse several time a day and Chip wants the best of everything for himself and everyone else

* Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are ready to welcome baby number four through adoption -- the couple who are parents of daughters James and Inez and Betty hope to find their next child in South America and they've invested time and money sponsoring immigrant children and they're warming up to the idea of providing an orphaned baby or toddler with a forever home -- a 16-year-old girl they sponsored through the Young Center for Immigrant Children's Rights was deported back to Honduras and they were heartbroken, and Blake and Ryan are now determined to provide a child with a happy home and opportunities he or she wouldn't have in their native country

Page 5: Newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Dan Hayhurst are itching to start a family and are already trying for a baby of their own -- 53-year-old Pam tied the knot with the 40-year-old handyman on Christmas Eve at her Vancouver Island home and she's been telling pals they hope to have happy news soon -- Pam wants to build a whole new clan with Dan and he's on board even though they each have kids with their exes and Dan's two kids from a previous relationship are living with the couple at Pam's pad -- the couple love the idea of adopting or going the surrogate route and it's not something they want to waste any time over

Page 6: Weary Kelly Clarkson is juggling her skyrocketing career and brutal divorce battle with estranged husband Brandon Blackstock on less than six hours sleep a night and Kelly has also been pushing to sell her homes in Nashville and Encino, while running her L.A.-based talk show and recording new music -- she's been running herself ragged for months and she's feeling the burn in a big way but despite her exhaustion, she can't sleep and nothing she tries works and the most shut-eye she catches is two, three hours at a time; she lays awake in bed at night worrying and crying

* Suddenly remorseful Kanye West has spiraled into depression and despair since soon-to-be ex-wife Kim Kardashian filed for divorce -- for all their problems, Kanye realizes she was the one person who was there for him whenever he went off the deep end and now he knows he's alone and seriously doubts he can hold his life together -- without Kim and her family to keep his wild impulses in check, he may succumb to the poor judgment and wild mood swings that have marked his chronic bipolar disorder as they were the ones who reminded him to take his meds and steer clear of recreational drugs and now all he has is a circle of yes-men he doesn't listen to anyway -- since the split, Kanye has shuttled between his ranch in Cody, Wyoming and a hotel in L.A. near the sprawling mansion he once shared with Kim and he's been blowing up her phone to beg forgiveness, but she won't take his calls and it's driving him off the deep end again

Page 7: Kourtney Kardashian is fed up with Shanna Moakler's online barbs and is plotting her revenge against the ex-wife of her new squeeze -- since Kourtney and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker went public with their romance last month, former pageant queen Shanna has been throwing social media shade and Kourtney's tired of taking Shanna's crap and she's going to fire back soon and Kourtney's using her wide network of contacts in Hollywood to bad-mouth Shanna and she's placing calls to casting directors and perspective suitors to put as many potholes in her love rival's path as possible and she plans to make Shanna regret messing with her

Page 8: Nearly two years after Johnny Depp was forced to exit Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean franchise following ex-wife Amber Heard's allegations of abuse, the company has kicked him while he's down by considering her for a plum part -- Johnny is fuming over news that Amber is reportedly in contention to play fairy-tale heroine Rapunzel in the studio's upcoming live-action remake of Tangled -- for Amber to be in the running for a Disney pic is the ultimate insult to him especially because he believes the company made millions of dollars off his name

Page 9: Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle had a whopping $500 million motive to betray Queen Elizabeth -- outraged at being cut loose by the British royals, the couple retaliated by secretly negotiating backroom Hollywood megadeals and going public on TV -- Harry and Meghan see themselves as victims of an out-of-touch monarchy and want revenge and selling out Harry's family is the way to get it and cash in big-time; Meghan's convinced they'll have deals totaling $500 million by the end of the year but they better act fast because Hollywood is a fickle town where even royalty can be chewed up and spat out

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Amelia Hamlin stuck to the shore while pink-haired beau Scott Disick made waves in Miami, Steve Martin nibbled on a pretzel while filming Only Murders in the Building in NYC, Floyd Mayweather turned 44 and celebrated with a birthday bash in Miami, Bachelorette reject Tyler Cameron showed off his toned tummy in Florida

Page 11: Drew Barrymore feels deeply for dad-controlled Britney Spears because she's been there: she said her mom locked her away in a loony bin for over a year when she was just 13 -- Drew said it's hard to grow up in front of people and she empathizes with Britney and Paris Hilton and any star who can't escape the glare of celebrity -- Drew's mom put her in a place that was a full psychiatric ward and says she used to laugh at those Malibu 30-day places because she was in a place for a year and a half called Van Nuys Psychiatric and you couldn't mess around there and if you did, you would either get thrown in the padded room or put in stretcher restraints and tied up

* Eddie Murphy famously bragged he has never changed a diaper in his life despite having so many kids and now he's set on having another baby with fiancee Paige Butcher and this will make baby No. 11 for Eddie -- he says his genes are incredible as ever, so why stop; he's super fit and Paige is in amazing shape at age 41 and wants at least one more baby so they're going to go for it and are already trying

Page 12: Straight Shuter gossip column -- CNN could blitz news veteran Wolf Blitzer as the network revamps its lineup and TV is a young person's game and no one knows that better than Wolf and after 31 years at CNN, he sees new faces getting promoted and knows his days are numbered and Jim Acosta and Poppy Harlow are the future of CNN, not Wolf -- although Wolf's airtime has been cut as Jake Tapper's role expands, he isn't bitter or angry but instead he's grateful for an amazing run

* Love It or List It star Hilary Farr is moving on to her own show and leaving partner David Visentin in the dust -- Hilary's new show is basically the same one she and David have been doing for years, with him edited out and David was blindsided by the news and he knows HGTV has sent out a casting notice for the new show and he's hurt and angry especially because Love It or List It hasn't been renewed yet

* Sacked Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron has reached out to Chris Harrison after he stepped away from The Bachelor amid a racist scandal -- Tom wasn't fired over a scandal, but he knows exactly what Chris is going through because both of them thought they had a job for life, but nothing lasts forever -- Tom is a good guy and wants Chris to know he's around if Chris needs anything

* Tom Felton, who played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films, spruced up for the camera (picture)

Page 13: Brooke Shields isn't letting a busted leg keep her down but she's taking her recovery one step at a time -- she shared an Instagram video showing her cautiously hobbling on crutches and explained she broker her femur and she was beginning to mend -- she didn't reveal what caused the unlucky break

* Outspoken actress Rose McGowan is living a charmed life in Mexico and the Harvey Weinstein accuser has headed south of the border and vows never to return to the United States -- she got her permanent residency card from Mexico and is grateful to have it and says it's a really healing land and it is truly magical -- she moved at the dawn of the COVID-19 pandemic because she knew it was going to get really bad in America and she had a moment to figure out where she wanted to be

* Picky perfectionist Blake Shelton listens to around 300 songs to choose what to record for each of his albums, according to his longtime producer -- music pro Scott Hendricks said he wades through nearly 3000 tracks by professional songwriters to select tunes for Blake to consider and then Blake methodically whittles down the nominees until he's certain which songs he wants to record but Scott admitted that process is more difficult for him culling the 300 from the 3000 -- Scott, who has worked with Blake for most of his career, said of their close professional relationship that the chemistry works and they have recorded several hundred or more songs together and they are getting ready to go do some more

Page 14: Crime

Page 15: Killer kingpin Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman's busted beauty queen bride will be marked for death behind bars -- if Emma Coronel Aispuro snitches to the feds about the bloodthirsty Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel long run by her caged husband, she'll put a big fat bulls-eye on her back -- according to a federal complaint, Coronel was intimately involved in her husband's multibillion-dollar drug-running racket and acted as his criminal agent while he was on the lam and the mother of El Chapo's two young daughters helped mastermind her spouse's daring 2015 tunnel escape from a Mexican prison and also paid him $100,000 for another failed bust-out a year later -- they are going to put the heat on her to spill more details on other top operatives in the cartel and take them down, too, but if she spills, it will be open season on her on the inside

Page 16: Dr. Dre appears to rap about estranged wife Nicole Young in a song filled with angry, explicit lyrics calling someone in his life a greedy bitch -- DJ Silk previewed part of a new track from Dre full of digs presumably at Nicole, with whom he has been locked in a nasty divorce -- his lyrics include: Trying to kill me with them lies and that perjury/ I see you trying to f--k me while I'm in surgery / In ICU death bed on some money s--t / Greedy bitch take a pic / Girl you know how money get

* Hollywood Hookups -- Lorenzo Lamas is set to wed for the sixth time to model Kenna Scott, Justin Hartley and Chrishell Stause are officially divorced, Adam Rippon is engaged to Jussi-Pekka Kajaala

Page 17: Former Home Improvement kid Zachery Ty Bryan has pleaded guilty to two felony counts of domestic violence -- Zachery, now 39, has been sentenced to three years of probation and will also have to take part in a batterer intervention program

* John Mayer has dated a succession of famous singers including Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and Halsey and he hopes they write chart-topping songs about him and admitted he'd be jazzed if his exes enshrined him in song, saying sometimes a song is so good he hopes it's about him and he even scours their lyrics for clues -- Taylor already has several tracks that have been linked to John including Dear John

* Ruthless chef Gordon Ramsay said he's cooked up his own plan to keep his kids humble -- he has five kids with wife Tana: Megan, twins Holly and Jack, Tilly and Oscar but said he plans to leave most of his reported $200 million fortune to charity -- Gordon explained his kids must tidy up after dinners, can only fly coach and are expected to learn how to cook for themselves and he's forbidden them from taking costly taxis and the foulmouthed foodie insisted they don't swear

Page 18: American Life

Page 19: Roseanne Barr was blindsided by a humiliating new scandal after risque photos from the early '90s recently emerged which appear to show her teenage daughters licking her boobs -- Roseanne posed for the shots with her two youngest girls at a Glamour Shots studio in Iowa more than 25 years ago and the photographer who claimed he snapped the fake lesbian lovefest but did not want to be named dished Roseanne and daughters Jessica and Jennifer who are now in their mid-40s happily hammed it up for the camera but decades later Roseanne and her daughters are all mortified and embarrassed by these pics; they were horsing around years ago and never thought they'd see the light of day

Page 20: Cover Story -- Still recovering from agonizing back surgery, Tiger Woods was pushing himself to the limit when he flew off a California cliff into a career-crushing car accident -- lawmen said the golf legend was lucky to be alive after the horrific wreck that shattered his right leg -- the accident only added to Tiger's physical problems; his movement has been restricted since a fifth back operation in December and he was unable to play golf despite an appearance at a local tournament the weekend before the bloody wreck -- at a press conference days before cheating death, Tiger admitted he was worried about his physical condition and his ability to play again, saying a lot of it is based on his surgeons and doctors and therapist and making sure he does it correctly and he doesn't have a lot of wiggle room left -- Tiger could barely move, and it seemed to get him down and his back rehab has been brutal and he was hobbling around and distraught but he refused to give into his condition and his tough-as-nails mindset could have contributed to the crash: when a person is overwhelmed by physical pain, that dominates everything they do and if you're behind the wheel of a car and in physical pain, it can distract you and likely lead to this kind of disaster -- Tiger was eager to get to a TV taping on the morning disaster struck and he seemed impatient when he left the Terranea Resort in Rancho Palos Verdes, an L.A. suburb, just after 7 a.m. and although traffic cameras show he was driving within the speed limit, his Genesis GV80 SUV crossed the center median onto the opposite side of the road and flipped -- authorities said Tiger appeared lucid to first responders and there were no signs the recovering addict was under the influence of alcohol or drugs and they did not request a blood test when Tiger was rushed to the hospital from the crash site and the incident was an accident -- Tiger was taken to nearby Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, where doctors said his broken bones protruded through his right leg and they put a rod in his leg and used screws and pins to stabilize the break and his ankle -- it will take three to four months to heal and then eight months of physical therapy and it is unlikely he will ever run again and he may have a limp and in terms of golf, just walking for extended periods of time will be a big deal and recovery will be agonizing; it's a very real possibility that Tiger's taken his final swing

Page 21: Addiction experts warned Tiger Woods' recovery will test his sobriety after his stint in rehab for prescription painkiller use and it is very, very common for a patient in recovery to relapse after a trauma like the one suffered by Tiger and exposure to painkillers administered directly or prescribed after a physical trauma is highly likely to trigger a relapse -- Tiger will probably need painkillers to get through this, but he'll also need to be connected with like-minded people to keep him away from his old thinking that pills are the solution to his problems

Page 22: Desperate Ghislaine Maxwell has offered to renounce her British and French citizenships in a new bid to get out of jail -- the disgraced socialite's last two stabs at freedom including one package offering $22.5 million as bond money were rejected by a judge who deemed her a flight risk -- now according to her lawyers, Ghislaine will formally commence the procedure to renounce her foreign citizenship to satisfy any concerns the court may have that she may try to seek a safe haven in France or the U.K. -- Justice Department officials were concerned Ghislaine would flee to France, where she was born, since the country has no extradition treaty with the U.S.

* Woody Allen claimed his own words are being used to attack him in the bombshell Allen v. Farrow documentary -- Woody has repeatedly denied adopted daughter Dylan Farrow's claims he sexually abused her when she was seven at her mom Mia Farrow's home -- Woody blasted the documentary which rehashes the claims as a shoddy hit piece and a hatched job riddled with falsehoods adding the filmmakers stole from his autobiography

Page 26: Twice-divorced Ricki Lake's engagement to California attorney Ross Burningham has insiders fearing she may suffer yet another heartbreak -- she announced her happy news on Instagram but Ricki has seen far more than her share of bad luck in the romance department and everyone is praying this final shot at love doesn't end in despair and it's never Ricki's fault, but she's never found a man who could keep her happy

Page 28: A lurid landscape of drug-fueled orgies, suicidal thoughts and fake sexual enthusiasm will play out in a new television series based on model and reality star Holly Madison's X-rated confessions from her shocking 2015 biography Down the Bunny Hole -- Madison first exposed the sleazy details of how she and other young women were plied with drugs and coerced to participate in sex parties with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner in exchange for acting as his girlfriends and getting to live inside the iconic L.A. mansion along with a weekly $1000 stipend -- the limited series will star actress Samara Weaving as Holly, who was a member of Hef's harem between 2001 and 2008 -- Holly, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt became the notorious stars of the reality show The Girls Next Door which debuted in 2005 and focused on their seemingly glamorous life with Hef but glossed over the dark secrets behind the scenes -- in her bombshell confessions, Holly revealed the 22-bedroom manor was actually a foul pigsty filled with stained mattresses where Hef's live-in ladies were forced to perform weird bedroom rituals and look excited by it

Page 29: Jack Osbourne has listed his sprawling California home for rent at $16,500 a month -- the 35-year-old son of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne is offering the five-bedroom, 5600-square-foot home in Studio City unfurnished -- Sharon was recently seen outside the home with moving vans helping Jack prep the property -- Jack, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, bought the home in 2014 when he was married to Lisa Stelly; the couple divorced in 2018 and share three children: Andy, Pearl and Minnie

* Heidi Klum has snipped all threads tying her to dad Gunther Klum after the cosmetics and modeling honcho skipped her wedding -- Heidi dumped her manager dad after he snubbed her August 2019 ceremony in Capri with guitarist Tom Kaulitz of the band Tokio Hotel and she has also ended her German enterprise Heidi Klum GmbH, originally overseen by Gunther -- Heidi and her dad had a falling out over Tom and Gunther never really approved of him and was dead set against the marriage and it drove a wedge in their relationship

Page 32: Health Watch

* Ask the Vet -- an African Gray Parrot with a feather-picking problem

Page 34: Barack Obama broke a buddy's nose over a racist remark -- he revealed the two classmates were playing basketball when his friend hurled a racial slur and he popped him in the face and broke his nose, Obama told Bruce Springsteen on their podcast Renegades: Born in the USA -- Obama said he doesn't think his pal even knew what the word meant, just that it was meant to be hurtful

* Country singer Keith Urban has shrunk to 140 pounds as the former addict is hooked on a bizarre diet of nuts and berries and even worse, the five-foot-ten crooner appears to be growing thinner and friends are worried the stress of his demanding career and his desperate desire to be a good husband to Nicole Kidman may push him over the edge -- no one sees him eating much more than handfuls of raw almonds or sunflower seeds and berries washed down with gallons of water -- though he's been sober since 2006, pals fear the struggle to avoid giving in to temptation as well as hearing Nicole purportedly mended fences with ex-hubby Tom Cruise may be weighing on the star -- despite his bony appearance, Keith thinks he looks great

Page 40: Evil ISIS terrorists are using the COVID-19 pandemic as cover while they rebuild their network and mastermind new attacks and both Iraq and the U.S. are in their crosshairs -- because the West has been focused on dealing with the pandemic, ISIS and new groups sprung from their shattered forces have been reloading and plotting revenge, according to Ryan Mauro of the terrorist-monitoring Clarion Intelligence Network -- the pandemic has brought decreased confidence in Western governments, which has emboldened the terrorists to launch sleeper cell attacks on foreign soil

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Anya Taylor-Joy

[words-writ-in-starlight]

you know what also pissed me off about supernatural, though? the inability to commit to their own worldbuilding. even while clinging to a static paradigm, where The Masquerade is in full effect, they couldn't be consistent about what sort of underground magic communities do and don't exist. I know this can be blamed on multiple writers and all, but it drives me up the wall. f.ex. witches are All Evil and tend to work alone, until that episode with the familiars when you find a bunch of nice(r)

witches who go to witchbars and hardly ever poison each other’s drinks, oh and also familiars are athing. a while later spike and cordelia are witches who’ve had a tempestuousrelationship for… centuries I think, aka witches can live for a really longtime, so there’s no way the bigger/older ones don't all know each other. thereought to be SOME sort of witch ‘society’, even if it’s just loosecommunication. but no, after this you never hear of witches ever again, muchless familiars or witch

bars. then you’ve gotBela, who caters to rich people who know magical artifacts exist, but there’sno exploration of what that could MEAN – if Bela can hold down a job, thenenough of the country’s elite own and exploit magic stuff that it could –SHOULD – have at least some effect on US politics, as in who gets power.there’s never a whisper of that, but okay, this isn’t exactly the winchesterboys’ social scene. but failing that, some of these magic-obsessed rich peopleshould turn up for a

few episodes, eitherhaunted or else guilty of inflicting a monster-of-the-week on someone. heck,one of them could be a recurring vaguely-helpful character that the boys stopby and menace a bit whenever they need access to some excessively obscureartifact. you already mentioned the mess of all those Alpha Monsters who werepowerful and unkillable and stuff, and had their own dread agendas withpotentially far-reaching consequences for their respective species, and thenjust… vanished. I don’t

even remember how. andthen there’s the hunter community, which is the most inconsistent of all. firstit’s just these two and their dad, and then they start finding out their dad’sold friends were all actually hunters or oracles or whatever. so far so good;these are just Mysteries Of Our Father’s Past, and valid character/plotdevelopment stuff. but there’s Bobby, who Knows Everyone, and Ellen, whose barevery hunter in the country frequents sooner or later, and this means huntersknow each

other, know about eachother, they have a network of communication and they share intel, gossip, tradesecrets. but the moment the bar blows up there’s just no network, noconnection, nothing at all binding hunters together, even though Bobby stillknows everyone and Ellen and Jo are still around and plenty able to found a newbar if they wanted to, or at least keep in touch with at least half of thepeople who used to swing by their bar. oh and also the demons! they talk aboutcomplex politics

happening in Hell, theyhave some sort of prophesied demon queen who takes the body of a young girl andhas glowing white eyes (I don’t even remember what happened to her), they havedemon religion and spirituality to the point where Lucifer is basically DemonJesus – I’m pretty sure this is explicitly stated, Lucifer is to the demonswhat Jesus is to really devout Christians, semi-mythical status and prophesiedsecond coming and everything – and the show makes an effort to flesh out itsdemonic

characters, give thempersonality and desires and drives, and it shows distinct differences in howdifferent demons feel about humanity, and about what they do, and all that. yetdespite all this, the only demon we meet who doesn’t immediately try to murderthe boys is Ruby. no one tries to bargain honestly with the boys, no one butCrowley tries to aim the boys at their own enemies, no one begs for mercy orlies about repentance. nothing. can you imagine if those demons who told Sam totake up

his antichrist mantleand lead a demon army decided that, since their Chosen One was unwilling, theyought to convince him? what if a bunch of demons had started discreetly tailingthe boys, showing up sometimes to rescue them from really bad fights or offerup dead monsters like housecats offering dead birds? ‘hey chosen one, we caughtyou this demon who’s high up in Crowley’s hierarchy, do you want to torture himfor information yourself or do you want us to do it?’ they solemnly swear that

that they’ve stoppedkilling humans, they keep quietly growing in number, and they always scrambefore the boys are conscious enough to kill them properly. sam and dean havemany arguments about whether they were REALLY too concussed to stab theirlatest demonic rescuer and get absurdly angsty and argumentative about it. Iknow my rant has gotten pretty thoroughly disorganized and this is moving backinto must-have-a-static-paradigm territory, but I am a little bitter.

THIS IS ALSO SUCH A GOOD POINT there is just so much to be bitter about with this show, like, good god, you’d think that sooner or later they’d run out of basic narrative rules to fuck up.

Speaking of rules, I think this is a manifestation of one of Supernatural’s wider problems, which is that they just DO NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES OF THEIR OWN UNIVERSE.  Like, all they’ve REALLY nailed down is that demons can be exorcised, but anything that isn’t a demon is pretty much at the mercy of the plot for A) how powerful it is, B) how hard to kill it is, and C) how ‘human’ it’s considered.  Like, everything from werewolves to wendigos are stated to be at least PART human, but basically their ‘humanness’ and subsequently the amount of sympathy accorded to them is predicated on how benign (or how attractive) they look in their human form.  The magic of this universe is wildly unpredictable--the Winchesters sometimes do/dabble in magic themselves, but we never really learn how magic works.  Does it require a focus?  Does it require badly-pronounced Latin?  Is it an expression of the user’s willpower?  Is it similar to what demons do (implied when All Witches Are Wicked for the first few seasons) or not?  Does it require natural talent or can anyone learn it?  THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT ARE TOTALLY IGNORED.  THEN there’s the question of societies in this supernatural underworld.  Like, I think I’ve expressed in my John Wick comments how much I like functional underworld societies with rules and systems, but honestly it’s CRITICALLY necessary if you’re doing what SPN does and having the society Matter.  I cringe every time I think about how clumsy and slapdash the hunting community was in Supernatural, because it had SO MUCH POTENTIAL, don’t talk to me about it, I made it work better when I wrote my spite novel.  I’m sure I can think of fifty million more incomplete universe rules, but I can honestly feel my blood pressure rising right now so I’m going to stop.

OH MY GOD GUYS, please, if you’re a writer, let me beg you right now in person to figure out the rules of your universe and then commit.  Here are some pointers.

Magic should work in a conceptually similar way to gravity: its rules should be consistent and should be able to be broadly extrapolated from the general effect, and if you’re going to BREAK those rules you’ve got to have a damn fine reason.  

The sliding scale of ‘humannness’ should...slide less, to be completely honest, work your shit the fuck out EARLY or make working your shit the fuck out a plot point (please see Stormdancer for a good example).  

If you’re dealing with questions of what makes someone human (@SPN FOR LIKE FOUR FUCKING SEASONS) then you should actively question like “Hey, my dude, can we morally kill this person for something they have no control over” unless your character took the trait ‘Callous’ somewhere in their history (which is also fine).

If you have an underworld society--or any society tbh???--WORK YOUR SHIT OUT.  How do they work together (ex: hunters pretending to be ‘the boss’ when someone calls the number on that fake business card)?  How do they support each other (ex: safehouses? maybe? this is never discussed in SPN? and I hate it?)?  What are the things people differ on (ex: whether or not to murder the Winchesters, which, like, I know you’re supposed to be against that because they’re the protagonists, but by the time I bailed I def wanted someone to shoot them)?  Is there an assumption of free exchange of favors or is there a strict financial/bargaining system?   How much does one person vouching for another matter in the community?  ANSWER SOME BASIC QUESTIONS FFS

Finally, most crucially, for the love of all that is good, Pick A Plot.  One plot.  It can have subplots (example: an overarching plot broken up by smaller missions, a la your average TV show) or multiple acts (as in a play, where you’ve got a couple major pieces that assemble into the main plot, like Much Ado where you’ve got (roughly) the matchmaking, the wedding, the vengeance, and the resolution), but it should be One Plot and you need to tie up those motherfucking loose ends.

This has been “Hey look turns out that 6K later I have Even More Complaints about Supernatural” with Moran.