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kritzkrieg-kiss · 3 years

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When the mercs went in a undercover mission in a coffee shop.

Did someone say COFFEE SHOP AU?!

Mercs undercover at a coffee shop! ☕

Word got to Pauling that BLU's intel was lifted to a secret location somewhere in downtown Teufort. After careful research, it was pinpointed right in the local coffee shop!

Scout: *Triple shot mocha, extra mocha, extra whip* Walked in thinkin' he was gonna be the one to find the intel but immediately got distracted by the chalkboard walls. Without thinking, he erased the faded writing, picked up a broken piece of chalk, and went right to work. He created an entire mural corner to corner, complete with dragons, knights, castle walls, the whole shabang. It looked like it belonged in a museum. Heck, it only took him twenty minutes, which was exactly the amount of time it took the baristas to notice and throw him out for erasing the menu they spent three hours putting up.

Soldier: *Americano, 3 inches of steamed half n' half, eight sugars* Soldier was last in the line of mercenaries walking in the front door. He was about to walk in himself when a small, weak voice called up to him.

"E-excuse me, mister?"

Soldier turned around to find five girl scouts no older than 7. The first one spoke up again.

"Would you like to buy some shortbread cookies?"

Soldier bent low and got right in her little face.

"Would I like some shortbread? WOULD I LIKE SOME SHORTBREAD?! Small maggot, for the sake of all that is good and holy you will drop the act of feeble inquiry and strategize your marketing like a MAN! By god look at you! If I didn't know better, I'd say there was a jailbreak from the local daycare commune, and I will have none of it infecting the streets of this SACRED COUNTRY DOYOUHEARME!" The little girls fell into a straight line, standing at attention. "The wealth and economic well-being of this great nation rests upon the golden edges of these calorically dense sugar delights! SO LET'S SEESOMEHUSTLEOUTTHERE! GO-GO-GOOOO!"

Without a second thought, the new privates picked up as many boxes as their little arms could carry and scattered all across the block, forcing transactions on strangers to the best of their abilities. They set a new record for cookie sales in a single day and Soldier was named president den mother.

Pyro: *Triple shot, chocolate green-apple raspberry coconut frappe, 3x each flavor, whip on top of the lid, sprinkles* Pyro had never been in a coffee shop before, and there was good reason for it too. The idea of liquid sugar for sale ought to have been kept as far away from him as possible. But with the mission at hand, it slipped the minds of the others. The guy started hoppin' and a-boppin' after the first sip, and buzzing enough to concern everyone around him after a few more. By halfway through it, it took Heavy and Engie holding down his limbs to keep him from setting the whole place ablaze. However, their attempts soon prove futile and he wiggled his way out of their grip, grabbing the drink and making a beeline for the door. By the time they made it outside he was already out of sight. Eh, the town had a sufficent fire department if anything actually went wrong. They figured he'd head back to base when he got sleepy and let him go.

Demo: *Breve cappuccino, cinnamon on top* Demo had the idea of claiming he was there for an interview, he figured that should at least get him in the back room for a few minutes before he could slip out undetected. What he wasn't expecting was the general manager to shake his hand with a smile and whisk him on back to fit him in an apron. Welp, add that to the resume I guess. He was taken through a ten minute crash course in basic barista training, by the end of it he could make a really nice latte art blob! He had all but forgotten the mission, the only thing on his mind right now was making coffee and making it good. He may not have been very skilled at it, but even with only ten minutes of experience he still made it with all the love he had. Didn't taste half bad either! And hey, if mercenary work didn't pan out forever, now he's got (another) fallback!

Heavy: *Caffé misto, teaspoon of honey* Poor Heavy felt so crammed in the tiny shop. Worried that he might knock something over, he sat down in the nearest seat at a readily set chess table. There was a man, maybe in his early 70s, dozing off across from him. He awoke with a start as Heavy plopped down with a noticeable thud.

"Sorry." Heavy mumbled "Heavy not mean to frighten you."

"D'oooooh, it's quite alright there good sir." The man reached out and moved his pawn a space "Why it's been quite some time since I've had someone willing to come and battle over the ol' ivories with me."

"Chess is good game." Heavy responded "It show quiet man can be smart like loud man." The old man chuckled

"Aye there chap, though I would a wager a gander that a loud man may not always be a smart man. Why, back when I was in her majesty's navy..."

The game and old man went on for another hour. He told of war stories on the Atlantic, how he and his fleet sank the Bismarck, how he fought in the amphibious attack on Normandy, the sweet, sweet relief of V-E Day, and all the naval shenanigans in between. Heavy remained silent through it all, drinking in the stories of an all too familiar war told from the other side of the alliance. The game ended with Heavy's pawn toppling the man's queen, putting him in checkmate. The old man straightened up with a grin. His chair scraped loudly against the hardwood as he stood up.

"Well then my good fellow, it seems men who hold their tongue may be the wisest of us all."

Engie: *Chamomile tea latte, 2x vanilla* Engie hadn't expected so much action to arise in a coffee shop of all places. He tried to keep Scout off the chalkboards but Scout was having none of it. He tried to get Soldier away from the girl scouts but Soldier was down the block before he could do anything. He figured he'd just keep the others in line as best as he could, though he gave up on even that after Pyro's great escape. Throwin' his hands up with all the chaos, he took his tea latte over to the far corner of the shop away from everyone. Perched up on a little stool on a low-set, humble platform, he tucked his latte behind his feet and picked up a guitar that had been left alone on a stand next to him. He plucked the strings at a volume barely audible, rummaging through memories of old songs he learned through the years until he remembered one clear enough to be played out loud. The notes hung in the air like fireflies on a summer night down south. His voice chimed in after a few measures.

"I've waited, waited so long..."

Instantly, though small and almost undetectable, something in the air shifted.

"For your kisses, and your love..."

No one looked up from their coffees, no one turned their chairs in his direction, it was as if no one seemed to acknowledge there was an actual person behind the music. But as they sank deeper in their seats, as they drew in deeper breaths of steam from their mugs, they felt their hearts melt like the whipped cream that topped the beverages that warmed their hands. Even the other mercenaries felt a wave of sudden calm wash over them.

"Please come, come to me... From up, from up above..."

Medic: *Quad shot in the dark, light roast, steamed half n' half, half raspberry, half white mocha, lite whip* He figured it would be an easy job. Get in, get the intel, and get out. Medic had been through a particularly rough morning and just wanted some caffeine in his system and the day to be over. He was the last one to figure out what he wanted so he was still waiting on his coffee. Trying to enjoy a moment of calm in the atmosphere, he leaned back and listened to Engie's gentle song when it was suddenly and sharply cut off. The door swung open and in staggered a visibly ill Pyro, a fluorescent rainbow dripping from his mask. His shivering arms reached straight for Medic but he could only manage to flop face down on the floor.

"Nieeen!" Medic exclaimed as his face scrunched and he pinched the bridge of his nose "Not AGAIN!"

In one fell swoop, he scooped up Pyro and flung him over his shoulder, dead-man carrying him as he sprinted out the door. He plopped the poor guy in a sugary mess on the nearest patch of grass he could find and ran back inside to grab a cup, a plastic straw, peppermint syrup, salt, used coffee grounds, and a few various chemicals from the behind the counter, ignoring the baristas' objections. Grunting and groaning in a vile fit of German cursings, he mixed a near-fatal remedial concoction, jammed the straw through Pyro's mask and forced him to drink. Pyro sputtered and shuddered for a few moments before relaxing completely in Medic's arms. Still cursing under his breath, Medic softly layed him down to nap in the grass and walked back in. He picked up his coffee from the counter and chugged the whole thing in one go. He flung the cup in the trash, told Engie to pick up Pyro on his way out, and stormed out the door back to base.

Sniper: *Drip, black, in a well-stained ceramic mug* Sniper was getting a bit of cabin fever back at the base so it was nice for him to get out if even just for a little bit. He knew he was supposed to be locating the intel but a bookshelf quickly caught his eye as he walked in. He would have ignored it and moved on, but nestled snug between two thick volumes was a small, hardback copy of The Wind in the Willows, a book his parents used to read to him at bedtime when he was really young. Forgetting the mission, he found himself nooked in a corner with his coffee, flipping through the chapters like memories in an old scrapbook. He tried to hide his wide, toothy grin from the world, slowly letting his heart melt in childhood nostalgia. His trance would soon be broken however, as an angry man started yelling at a barista for something or other. Sniper would have normally looked the other way but being jarred from something so loving and innocent by someone actively deciding to have a bad day and make everyone's worse along with it upset him deeply. Without enough time for anyone to process what had happened, the man's coffee was suddenly wooshed from his hand and pinned to a wall by an arrow. Everyone gaped. They looked back but saw no bow, no weapon, no evidence of anything that caused what just happened. Just Snipes tucked up in a corner, his nose in a book, and a smile on his face.

Spy: *Ristretto doppio macchiato* Actually found the intel, nothing that a quick cloak and slip can't take care of. It was hidden in the back room in a burlap sack of beans. This all went on well until he bumped into Demoman, who was holding a fresh latte, spilling it all over Spy's cloaking watch. The thing crackled a little bit and Spy instantaneously appeared with the briefcase in-hand. He was about to go off on poor Demo but the manager walked up before he could get a single word out. The guy accused Spy of theft, threatening to sue while trying to take the case from him. Without breaking a sweat, Spy simply straightened his tie and said he was the district health inspector. That alone was enough to get the man off his back and scampering into the back room. Spy knew he ought to have left then and there, and he did, but not before pulling himself a doppio macchiato and making off with a pound of Guatemalan beans.

Well that was fun. Hope you enjoyed it ☕💛

#tf2 #tf2 headcanons #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy

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