#dutch bros sorcery

[ghostlynimbus]

Steve & Robin move to California together.

And one day not long after the move they spot a drive through coffee place on the way to work and decide to try it.

Neither of them is prepared to handle the bizarre magic that is Dutch Bros employees and they leave the drive through with no idea what drinks they ordered and already half in love with employees Billy & Heather. (Heather took their order, Billy handed them their drinks).

It becomes a Thing.

Steve & Robin are barely making rent on their shared apartment but they find room in the budget to get Dutch every work day (and some days off too if they end up going out).

The Dutch Bros sorcery works on them regardless of who is on shift, but Steve & Robin are especially effected by Billy & Heather are working.

They try to logic their way out of it. Like sure Billy and Heather are good looking, but so are a lot of people. And yeah they’re nice to talk to, but it’s not like they’re saying anything particularly special. Its fine.

They can get coffee and not want to ask the employees out.

It’s not fine, it’s never fine.

One day, on a day off, Steve and Robin end up finding a stray dog on the beach. They ask around for the dog’s owner and don’t get any answers so they plan to take the dog to the shelter. But they decide to get some dutch on the way to help fortify them for the Difficulties of having to see a bunch of adoptable shelter pets and not take any home.

However when they get to the drive through and all the employees (including Billy & Heather) absolutely love the dog and lavish it (and Steve & Robin by association) with so much extra attention, Steve and Robin decide then and there that they are keeping the dog.

The dog becomes a regular part of Steve & Robin’s dutch bros trips, getting lavished with attention and treats every time. Heather & Billy pout whenever Steve and Robin show up without the dog and take to saying stuff like “where’s our boy/girl? 🥺” whenever the dog isn’t with them and absolutely destroying Steve & Robin bc of their big stupid crushes.

[neon-vocalist]

day 6: hot cocoa: fetch

Originally written November 14, 2021

Gretchen doesn't usually consider her girlfriend a heathen. But this is crossing the line.

"It is DECEMBER!" Gretchen yells, alarmed. Karen only smiles and meets her eyes as she takes another sip of her drink. "WHY ARE YOU DRINKING A BLENDED... CHOCOLATE... THING?"

"It's tasty," Karen replies, laughing at her girlfriend's emotionally distraught (and very loud) state. "Hot chocolate has a weird aftertaste."

"Not if you do it right!" Gretchen sighs and throws a hand dramatically over her forehead. "I cannot date you any longer, you Hellhound."

"You're the Hellhound here, Gretch. You drink blazing hot tea in the summer. I'm more of a... mm... ice queen."

"Yeti," Gretchen challenges. Karen shrugs.

"Fine, yeti. I think a Hellhound is objectively worse."

"Was that the correct use of that word?"

"Probably not."

So Gretchen sets off on her quest to get Karen some good hot chocolate and put her off these demonic blended drink ideals. First stop: Dutch Bros. She knows what Karen means about the Starbucks cocoa aftertaste, but not all hot chocolate tastes like that.

"Here," she says, nearly throwing the cup at Karen in the passenger seat, who takes it and takes a tiny sip.

"Hmm."

"You like it?"

"It's sorta flavorless."

"It has more flavor than your chocolate infused ice chips!" Gretchen snatches back the cup.

"Hey!"

"I thought you didn't want it!"

"I don't want it," Karen says, looking at the cup, resigned. "This is simply proving my point."

"Your point is invalid!" Gretchen gestures out the window at the snowy roads. "Your drink is the same temperature as the outside world!"

"And? What if I like to freeze my soul and my two remaining brain cells?"

Gretchen just shakes her head as they continue driving down the road.

"Where are we going now?" Karen asks after a while.

"McDonald's," Gretchen replies.

"McDonald's?" asks Karen. "Come on. That's really gonna prove my point."

"It's on the way to Dunkin'."

"Ah, yes, Dunkin Donuts, the place everyone goes to for their hot chocolate," Karen teases. Gretchen swats her gently on the arm.

"Hush. I'm doing this for you."

"You're doing it so you can have bragging rights."

"Maybe."

McDonalds disappoints them both. "Point for you," Gretchen admits, wrinkling her nose. Karen grins and takes the cup from her, taking a huge sip and quickly regretting it.

"Point for me," she agrees, nodding. They end up throwing the full cup in the trash, giggling in the car all the way to Dunkin Donuts.

The drive-through ends up closed off, so Gretchen, having lost the last round, has to go inside and order while Karen waits in the car. After a few minutes, she emerges from the door, holding a cup and a bag.

"They were having a buy one get one free sale on glazed donuts. Here." Gretchen removes a donut from the bag and passes it and the cup to Karen, who takes a substantial bite.

"Mm. 'S good."

"Yeah?" asks Gretchen. Her eyes go wide when she takes a tiny nibble of the donut and proceeds to shove nearly half of it into her mouth. "I haven't had one of these in months."

"Try the cocoa, Gretch." Karen hands the cup to Gretchen. "It's sort of a letdown after the donut."

"Oh yeah?" she asks, taking a small sip. "Oh. Yeah. It's still good, though."

"It's pretty sweet," Karen observes, taking another bite of her donut.  

"Care Bear, you're literally eating sugar bread covered in more sugar sauce. I don't think you get to talk about your cocoa being too sweet."

"Fair." Karen takes the cup back from her girlfriend and dips what's left of her donut in it. "That is good. Try that." Gretchen nods and does the same.

"It is good. Did I win this one?"

Karen shakes her head. "The hot chocolate was good, yeah, but blended's still better."

"You disgust me."

"I love you too."

"Frozen drinks in the middle of December. What sorcery is this?"

"Thank you for all the cocoa."

"Oh, I'm not done! I won't be done until you get your head in the game."

"Okay, baby. Love you."

"Frozen cocoa. A disgrace."

Karen just laughs at her excitable girlfriend as they set off toward Caribou Coffee. "Look it up on Yelp, would you?" Karen nods.

"Already on it." It takes a few attempts for her to find the right keyboard, but she gets there in the end. "People seem to like it. The only complaints are about the actual coffee bit, so I think we're in the clear."

Gretchen nods. "Alright. Could you pull up some directions? I don't really know where I'm going. I don't come to this side of town often."

"Yeah, definitely. There's one in two miles and one that's five miles but closer to home." She peeks over at Gretchen for her opinion.

"Go for the five miles," Gretchen says, looking over at the phone before speeding back up. "Thanks, babe. I love you."

"Love you too."

When they arrive at Caribou, they're faced with a choice. "Would you like milk, white, or dark?" Gretchen glances at Karen, who just shrugs.

"All three?" she asks hesitantly.

"Sure."

"All three," she repeats to the cashier, who doesn't even react. She can't help but wonder how often this happens.

They head back to the car after a bit of waiting for their drinks. "Okay," says Gretchen, "since all the rest of the cocoas are milk chocolate, I say we go for the dark and white first."

"Sure," Karen says again, popping one of the lids off to figure out which one's which. "I've got the... white chocolate, I think."

Gretchen does the same. "I have the dark. Perfect. Cheers." They tap their paper cups together.

"Okay. That is good."

"Oh my God, yeah, it is."

"It's not too sweet?" asks Gretchen, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, it's white chocolate."

"No, it's really not! Here. Gimme." They trade cups, and Gretchen's eyes somehow go wider.

"That tastes really good," Karen admits. "I think you won."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You win."

"Well, Care Bear, I already won."

"What do you mean?" asks Karen, confused.

"I won the minute I met you," Gretchen says softly, and pulls Karen in for a chocolate kiss.