#eddie: ooooof course they do

[chickensoupleg]

Me: I should continue writing my witch AU.

Also me: Hey wouldn't it be mad funny to write Jason in the Pokemon universe and its just a meet cute with Eddie.

[revvywevvy]

Well... I went and wrote Claire and Dwight's 'not-date'! <:) Tagging @mogships bc ik they wanted to see this <3

Non-Entity AU (The Not-Date)

Claire sat on her bed, staring idly at her phone screen. She had said a few weeks ago that she wanted to make up for the injury that Dwight had sustained the night they’d bumped into each other. Every day since then, she’d been texting him without fail, checking in to ensure he was fine while also tossing in some friendly chit-chat at Eddy’s suggestion. Through that chit-chat, Claire and Dwight had found some common interests, and they were quickly going from strangers, to acquaintances, to friends. On top of that, Dwight had mentioned days ago that he’d checked in on the injury with a doctor, and that, luckily, his nose wasn’t broken, even if it had been close. He was fine, and they were on friendly terms, so… the pit Claire felt in her stomach at this moment felt ridiculous. That day had come for her to make it up to him, and they were to meet up at a cozy café Dwight had picked out which was just a few blocks away. Hell, Claire had even gone to the place ahead of time to check it out, and it was great! So, the usual suspect, anxiety, was the only cause she could pin down for such dread.

“Hurgh… stupid brain… you’re really gonna pull this shit now??”

She flopped back onto her bed, sighing heavily when she could feel her heart palpitate and her hands start shaking.

“...Ooooof course you are. Oh, goodie.”

She jumped a bit when her phone pinged, Claire quickly pulling the device up to look at it. The shaking in her hands only seemed to get worse as she read the text Dwight had just sent.

「 Heyy, im about to leave my place, should be @ the cafe in like.. 30 mins. U still gonna be there or do u wanna reschedule? <:-] 」

Claire’s frown deepened. She forced herself to sit back up, knowing if she stayed laid down she’d stay there for the remainder of the day. She set her phone in her lap, bringing her hands up to her face and lightly slapping her cheeks in an attempt to snap out of the spiral.

“Okay Claire, c’mon. No ditching your pal, that ain’t cool. Just… suck it up, girlie. You can do this, you’ve done this before. It’s just… lunch at a potentially busy café. Where you can risk publicly humiliating yourself like you’ve done five bajillion times before, ooor even worse lose your first in-person friend in years. Nothing new!”

She put on a fake smile, hoping she could fool herself, but it immediately drooped back into a disappointed frown.

“...Man, not gonna lie, your pep-talks kinda suck.”

Claire yipped in surprise, eyes shooting over to her door where her brother stood, leaning in the doorway. He had a small frown on his face.

“C’mon, dude, you gotta have more faith in yourself than that.”

Claire fiddled with her hands at that.

“Yeah, I know… it’s really hard though, man. Especially when it feels like my heart and lungs’re about to explode into a million pieces, haha…”

Eddy narrowed his eyes at that comment.

“Alright, scaredy cat, I get it. Take ‘yer rescue ‘n take a sec to chill, ‘kay?”

Perking up at the suggestion, Claire immediately went to doing that, her phone practically falling right onto the floor as she quickly reached over to her nightstand and grabbed her inhaler.

“So, did Dwight give a time?”

Claire was silent for a second, holding in her inhaler before shakily breathing out.

“Yeah, uh, 30 minutes and he’ll be there if I give the okay. I… don’t wanna flake out last second.”

Claire went and took a second puff of her inhaler as Eddy responded.

“Then don’t. I know it’s easier said than done, but y’can’t just let this stuff dictate your daily life forever. Who knows, if you do back out then you may miss out on a fun time!”

She exhaled once more, tapping her foot. She set her inhaler back on her nightstand before turning to her phone, grabbing it up once more and looking at the screen.

“Y-Yeah, you’re right. Just… gotta give it a chance. Dwight’s a nice guy so far, this’ll be fine..!”

Eddy smiled and nodded.

“There we go, that’s the spirit! You got this, man.”

Claire gave Eddy a passing glance, quickly moving to respond to Dwight’s text. She can do this, she can do this..! Albeit shakily and with some typos, she wrote out a quick response and sent it.

「lol ofc im gonna stillb e there!!! gonna be a lil late tho, todays goin a bit sour but i’m still chillin sdghsdghs」

Dwight was quick to respond back.

「Oh fr?? Man that sucks, tyt gettin here, no rush!!!」

Claire felt a little bit calmer reading that, thankful that he was being patient with her. Taking a second to take in some deep breaths, she tried her best to relax before getting up from her bed.

“Okay, I gave him the green light. Looks like I gotta get goin’, now.”

“Alright, you have fun and stay safe now, yeah?”

“Yeah, Eddy, I gotcha.”

Claire offered a small smile to Eddy, and he nodded in response. Eddy stepped out of the doorway, heading back into another area of the apartment. Claire sighed, walking over to her closet and grabbing her bag, checking to ensure everything she needed was there. Once she knew she was good to go, she made her way to the apartment door, before leaving the building.

[...]

Dwight was already at the café, sitting at a random booth and fiddling with a menu. His face was already burning with embarrassment, and Claire wasn’t even there yet. He’d thought he was doing a good job at holding it back, but, honestly, he was absolutely terrified about this. Dwight had never, ever been out like this before. Sure, he’d been invited to random company parties a long time ago, and had a few family outings here and there, but a one-on-one like this was a first for him. At least before he could blend back into the crowd and do his own thing, but this time, all the attention was on him, and he had no idea what to do. He’d stood in front of his bathroom mirror all morning practicing the most mundane of sentences and trying to keep his composure, and now that prep was all falling apart. In the midst of that terror, there was another thing that had him feeling like an absolute mess.

The fact that Claire was so consistent with texting him was baffling enough to him, and at first, he’d assumed it was just out of pity and that she’d flake on him. However, upon receiving a quick text that she was down the street and would be there in a minute or so, he finally accepted that she was being serious, and that this was really happening. It was much easier to cope under the impression that this’d be for nothing, but no, it was something.

‘Ohhh boy, oh geez… I can’t believe I actually agreed to this, I can’t believe she’s actually sticking to this!! Crap, I’m going to make myself look like an idiot, aren’t I???’

Dwight reached up to his face, grabbing his glasses and fixing them up once he’d noticed just how much they’d fogged up, before realizing just how badly his hands were shaking. He sighed, trying to give himself some sort of internal pep-talk, eyes trailing to the entrance of the café. His breath hitched when the door opened, and in walked Claire.

‘Woah, okay, she’s actually here! Okay, okay, relax Dwight, just stay calm… shit, say something, she’s coming over here!’

Claire had spotted Dwight on her way in, and waved at him with a nervous smile before approaching the booth and sitting opposite of him.

“H-Hhheyy, Claire..!”

Nice one, Dwight. He mentally facepalmed at the horribly awkward delivery. Claire’s face shifted for a quick moment as she took in the awkward greeting, but offered a sympathetic smile to cover up her own fiddly expression.

“Hi, Dwight! Um– h-how’ve you been? Was the drive here fine?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, it was okay. Uh… t-traffic was a little ‘eh’, but otherwise… um. Good. Yeah.”

After that response, both of them went quiet, an embarrassing and highly awkward silence befalling the two. Claire’s lips pressed together into a thin line, eyes widening a bit as she stared down at her own menu, fumbling with it in some attempt to seem… alive? Interesting? Something, she didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Though, peeking up at Dwight for a split second, she felt horrible. It wasn’t long before she realized she couldn’t get away with being quiet forever, sighing and letting her menu drop onto the table with a small ‘plop’. Dwight immediately looked at Claire, sweating nervously at the sudden move.

“Claire..? Y-You okay?”

Claire, with her elbows on the table, leaned into one of her hands, a defeated expression on her face.

“No, not one bit. Hhf… I’m sorry Dwight, this is probably a total disaster for you, huh…? Talk about a dodgy way to pay someone back for fucking up their face.”

“...Huh?”

“L-Listen, I, ah… I know I probably seemed way more chatty and… extroverted… over text, but, uh… I suck. At talking to people. In person. N-Not to mention it seems like this is really awkward for you, too. Ughh, I don’t know what I was thinking with this, now I’m just going and wasting way more of your time.”

“Wh– w-wait, no, I wanted to come out here, this wasn’t a waste of time! I just, uhm. I’m not very good at this kinda stuff either. Err… honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever done something like this. I wish I was kidding, but, uh, nope. To be honest I was only fine until now because I kinda just… assumed you wouldn’t actually show up? Wait, shit, that’s not something I should’ve said, uh–! Yyyyyikes…”

Dwight’s face exploded into a huge flush, and he looked away, rubbing his arm anxiously. Claire paused, looking at Dwight with a semi-surprised expression, seeming to brush off the last bit for the time being.

“Wait, you, too..?? I thought the lack of talking was just me turning out to be this, uff, massive disappointment in person???? L-Like the sudden ‘personality’ switch made you not wanna be here anymore? Wait, that means…–”

Once it fully clicked that Dwight was just as much of an anxious mess over this as she was, she huffed out the biggest sigh of relief, letting her face plop against the table. Dwight flinched at that response, but settled the smallest bit upon hearing what she’d said next.

“Oh, thank fuck, I wasn’t the only one nervous as all hell about this!!!”

Dwight blinked dumbly at the statement, both of them failing to notice the weird stares from other diners who were currently being disturbed by their game of ‘loner’s first social interactions’. Claire couldn’t help but laugh, shaking her head and finally looking up at Dwight.

“Geez, and to think we got all worked up over this, ahaha..! This whole time, ha, thinking I was this total idiot, ahaha..!”

Dwight awkwardly laughed as well.

“Hehe, right, I uh. I’m actually kinda glad I’m not the only one, either..? Ahaha, man, and to think I thought I was some joke of a guy and that you’d flake, aha!”

“Haha, yeah, may be an odd thing to be happy over, but knowing it’s not just me makes me feel so much better about this, oh man..!”

Though, Claire’s smile immediately disappeared once she fully registered what he said.

“Ayo, what??”

“Uh– w-what???”

“That last part, t-the joke of a guy and flaking part??? You thought I was gonna flake..?”

Claire’s expression went a little sad.

‘Damn, didn’t think I gave people such low expectations..’

“W-Well, I mean… that’s normal anyway, isn’t it??”

Claire was not expecting this rollercoaster of emotions, going from nervous, to happy, to sad, to completely baffled in such a short frame of time. Even with the lack of positive relations she’d had since childhood, she’d never seen someone think that was normal. She sputtered and practically choked on her own spit in shock.

“Wh– Uguh??!? No??? That’s not normal at all?? Wait, oh my god that’s– how often does that happen to you?!”

“Wuh– Uhm, this is the first time I’ve been out with someone one-on-one before..! So I guess, uh… a-always???”

Now Claire was just downright offended on his behalf.

“I– what?! No fuckin’ way, that’s– bloody hell, people really never fail to be complete pieces of shit, huh..? That’s so messed up!! Like, not even when you were a kid?? Like in elementary, middle, highschool, all that jazz??”

Dwight frowned, looking away with an embarrassed look.

“N-No.”

“I… wow.”

Claire’s expression softened sympathetically.

“Oh, geez, Dwight… that’s awful…”

Her brows furrowed and her face shifted to a look much more determined. She thought back to that small talk with Eddy. Of course she had to have more faith in herself, she’s got this! No pussyfooting about, no backing down. Her hands slammed on the table.

“Man, y’know what? Fuck those guys! I may be a total mess and suck at talking to people, but ain’t no way I’m letting someone be alone like that. It’s official, we’re friends now, got that, Dwight? No more bein’ ditched, flaked on, alone, nunna that!!”

Dwight’s head flicked right back up, eyes wide at her declaration. Though, before he could respond, one of the waitresses cleared their throats loudly, letting them know they were getting too wild. Claire curled in a bit, expression sheepish.

“O-Oops… sorry..! B-But, uh, like I said..!”

She quickly shook it off and looked back at Dwight.

“Wh- what?! R… Really..?”

“Yes, really. I’m bein’ a hundred percent serious here! We’re bros now, bro!”

Dwight snorted a bit at the cheesy delivery, but was still shocked at the declaration.

“F…Friends…”

“Yup, absolutely my dude! My pal, chum, home-slice bread-slice, frienderooski–”

“Pfft..! O-Okay, okay, I get it, ahaha..!”

Claire smiled triumphantly at his laughter, mentally fist pumping. Though, she paused when her stomach very obviously growled. Dwight went a little quiet as well, before letting out a small giggle. Claire smiled a bit, scratching her cheek with one finger.

“Oh, right, gotta eat, ahaha. All this freaking out has me hungry, ehe..”

“Right, we should probably order something before we get kicked out for loitering, haha…”

“Mhm!”

Claire finally took a proper look at the café’s menu, eyeing all of the options. She was surprised at how many options the menu had besides the usual café options, but she chalked it up to this being a bigger place. Luckily, being hungry made it much easier for the usually indecisive woman to pick stuff out of the large menu. Though, Dwight could only sit there staring uncertainly.

“Um.. Claire?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Uh… I dunno what to order, I don’t wanna make you spend too much money.”

“Bah, I could care less about that right now. I came over-prepared, so go nuts!”

“...You sure..?”

“Sure as I can be!”

Dwight relaxed a bit more, hearing the affirmation making him not feel as bad over this. Eventually, a waiter walked over. Dwight ended up ordering a chicken pesto sandwich and hot chocolate, and Claire a fettuccine alfredo with chicken and apple tea. Though, being a little overzealous she’d added in a basket’s worth of hash browns, too, to Dwight’s amusement. When the food eventually arrived Dwight found himself giggling some more.

“Wow, are you gonna be able to finish all that?”

“What, the hash browns? Nah, bruh, we’re sharing those! Man, these browns look crisp as hell… I bet they’re gonna be great!”

“Aha, well, I dunno if we’ll be able to finish all that… though, I will say I agree with that last part.” “Weh, if it comes down to it we can always get a takeout pack.”

Without much more delay, Claire dug into her food, letting loose and really just enjoying herself. Dwight went about eating as well, feeling a lot better now that the atmosphere settled into one of calm and contentedness. At one point, though, Claire’s phone pinged and she perked up.

“Oh, oops, forgot to turn that off, lemme just…”

She paused, looking at the notification and eyes widening as she read it.

“Ayoo..????”

“Huh? What happened?”

Claire had the biggest smile on her face.

“Oh man, I know we had this convo like… a week or so ago, but Studio King just announced the release date to the next installment of Spirit Blade???”

Dwight practically choked on his food. She remembered their conversation??

“W-Wait, really??” “Yeah!! Oh man, and look, they announced that Zeleste is gonna be the protag!!! Isn’t that great?! Lucky day for you, huh? Ahaha..!”

Claire smiled, showing her phone to Dwight and he looked at the announcement discussing it, eyes quickly scanning the screen.

“Holy crap! Oh, that’s amazing!! Oh man..! W-Wait, you remembered my favourite character, too??”

“Well, yeah, Zeleste is sick as hell, man! You’ve got great taste in characters, haha. Oh hell yeah, and Cyra’s a base character in this one, too!! Man, I was so mad when they made her DLC in the last one! I can’t wait to see what they end up doing with her in this one..!”

Dwight smiled wide, Claire’s excitement rubbing off quickly. He hadn’t really put his thoughts through the filter before speaking.

“Ooh, you know what we should do Claire?? When the game comes out we should play it together, wouldn’t that be awesome? I dunno whether it’d be at your place or mine, but…”

Dwight trailed off, realizing what he’d just suggested. He overthunk it a bit, worrying that the offer came off as an actual date proposition. Though, before he could even think of getting red in the face, Claire’s face lit up. She shook her fists in giddy excitement.

“Oooh!!!! Yeah, we should, we should, we totally should!!! Ooohoho, that’d be so fun, man!!”

Dwight’s smile immediately returned, and he couldn’t help but feel fuzzy at the joy in that response. He wasn’t sure he was going to get used to having an actual, legitimate friend now, but he already felt amazing so soon!

“How about at my place?? Eddy ‘nd I just set up a new couch the other day and it’s so comfy!! It’d be great for gaming, for sure! Ooooh, and, and, since I’ve got summa those movies I suggested to you the other day, we could watch those, too!!!”

Dwight felt his face heating up for sure this time.

“Oh, r-really??”

“Yeah, man, I bet you’d love ‘em, they’re so funny!!”

That fuzzy feeling felt ten times more intense now.

“Yeah…”

His smile softened.

“...That sounds great! Oh, but we’d have to schedule around my job, though.”

“Alrighty, sounds easy enough… hopefully! Hope your schedule isn’t too wild, haha.”

As the two continued eating, they went about planning their next hangout. After that, they found themselves going on and on about their hobbies and interests, the rest of their lunch turning out to be a blast.

[...]

A couple of hours later, Claire and Dwight were both back at their individual apartments. Clare practically skipped into her bedroom to put her things away, Eddy noticing right off the bat how joyous she was.

“So, guessin’ it went good?”

“Hell yeah it did!!!!!!! We’re gonna hang out again in a few weeks and play the next Spirit Blade game together!!! Oh, and we’re gonna watch some movies, and maybe some other stuff too, I dunno??? But oh man, I’m so excited!! O-Oh, wait. You’re okay with Dwight coming here, right..?”

Eddy smiled brightly at his sister.

“Yeah man, I’m chill! Judging by your vibes right now I’d say he’s hella cool, so he can come over whenever, just so long as he ain’t marchin’ in without knocking first, haha!”

“Eeeeeeeee!! Thanks Eddy, you’re the best!!!!!!”

Eddy laughed at that.

“Geez, you say that like I’m a parent givin’ ya permission for a sleepover or sumthin’! ‘Sides, can’t be hoggin’ the guy all to yourself, I wanna get to know him more, too!”

Claire laughed at that, turning on her heel and heading into the kitchen to get some water, her tone lightheartedly sarcastic.

“Nah, he’s my bestie, I saw him first!!”

“Pfft- haha, no fair, dude!”

“Yes, fair!! I get first bestie privilege!~”

The siblings laughed amongst one another, the two continuing their day like normal from there. Claire felt more than giddy for the remainder of the day, her energy being soft and warm for the continuation. Her Syncord friends didn’t fail to notice the change, and were happy to tease away about Claire’s new friend. Claire couldn’t care less, feeling fuzzy over the day going so well for once. She’d missed having in-person friends, and was more than happy to have that luxury back in her life.

[thedesperatehousehusband]

Oscar. 92 years young.

It’s time for the BIG ONE. The one we’ve been waiting for all season. The Academy Awards. The 92nd Oscars. The whole awards “season” culminates with tis slog of a night. Let’s see how this works without a host. It’s the second time they’ve done it and I didn’t hate it last year.

The show kicked off with a performance from Janelle Monae singing about “It’s Time to Come Alive”. I don’t know what the song was about it but I love her and her queer, African American self. Billy Porter made an appearance. He’s been strutting it allllll these shows. He looked batshit at the Grammy’s but tonight he looks normal, for him.

Steve Martin and Chris Rock DID NOT CARE. When people don’t give a shit, I love it. The Director category is missing vaginas. There were no black nominees in 1929. There’s one in 2020. Progress. Good shit. Eddie Murphy’s under the stage. Oooooh. They DO NOT CARE.

Regina King is butter. She looks amazing. Of course and as expected, Brad Pitt wins Best Supporting Actor for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. He’s won 100% of all the awards all season so this is the icing on the cake. Nice speech. I love him. I love this movie.

I love Mindy Kaling’s dress. She looks outstanding. Of course and as expected, Toy Story 4 wins Best Animated Feature. It really was incredible. Buzz & Woody are legends and now we can include Forky in that list of animated legends.

Josh Gad…..Idina Menzel. Pronounced just like it’s spelled. Take that, John Dumb-Ass Travolta. And that was kick ass. I totally loved the international take on Into the Unknown from Frozen 2.

Why, Diane Keaton, why? Isn’t it done with the whole Annie Hall thing? But the banter with Keanu Reeves was really quite funny. HOLY SHIT BALLS!!! Parasite wins Best Original Screenplay. Is this a sign of things to come?? I REALLY thought Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was going to clean up tonight. But maybe not. Is it going to be a Parasite night??????

What is Timothee Chalamet wearing? Is that a tracksuit? At the Oscars? Dude. What are you doing? I know you’re all fashion-y and shit but I’m not into it. Taika Waititi wins for Best Adapted Screenplay for Jojo Rabbit. A movie which I simply loved and adored. It made me laugh and cry.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig decided to go with the craziest thing they could find at the store. At least they’re funny. Because they look nuts. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood wins for Production Design. And that makes sense to me. It really looked amazing.

Loved the a cappella medley of clothes songs for Maya and Kristen to sing in advance of Best Costumes. Little Women wins. At least it won something because that’s likely going to be it. Normally the winner looks out of his/her mind when they walk on the stage. This woman looked downright sane.

What is this song that Chrissy Metz is singing? I have no idea what it is but she sounds really good.

I would like to thank Mark Ruffalo for just wearing a goddamn tux and looking fucking fantastic in it.

I absolutely hate Laura Dern’s dress but I love me some Laura Dern. She’s cleaned up all season so cap it off with the Oscar, why don’t ya? Of course and as expected. I don’t know why but it makes me teary-eyed EVERY time Laura Dern thanks Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern. I just love it that she thanks her parents and references them as her acting inspiration each time she collects an award.

Ummmmm. What is HAPPENING?? Eminem didn’t show when we WON the damn Oscar for writing this song but he gon show up for a fucking montage??? What is HAPPENING???? I love this. Every fucking thing on the stage right now is unbelievable. THE AUDIENCE IS STANDING UP. THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE INCLUDING MARTIN SCORSESE IS STANDING UP. Eminem, motherfuckers.

Sound Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I’m unclear on what sound editing is.

Sound Mixing goes to 1917. I’m unclear on what sound mixing is.

Jesus Christ. Randy Newman is starting to look really fucking old. He still sounds like Randy Newman though, so I guess that’s good.

Thank you for Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Will Ferrell for making some jokes. 1917 wins Best Cinematography. I’m going to remind you how little I care about 1917. In my shallow and small mind, it’s just basically Saving Private Ryan in World War I. That’s probably over-simplified but that’s what I get from previews.

Best Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I can dig it with all the car scenes. Thank GAWD it didn’t go to The Irishman. Because that movie wasn’t edited because it was 400 hours long. It was TOO fucking much.

Zazie Beetz looks AMAZING. Her dress is killer.

Cynthia Erivo is an amazing singer. She’s not going to win Best Actress so her only chance at the EGOT is Best Original Song. I’m not particularly feeling this song but strange things have happened.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as cats from Cats. They don’t care. 1917 wins Best Visual Effects. Who cares?

I love that Ray Romana got bleeped. I do love when people get bleeped. Bombshell wins for Hair & Makeup. Which makes sense. John Lithgow isn’t exactly an overly attractive person but making him look like Roger Ailes, who is more or less the earthly embodiment of Jabba the Hutt, is worthy of an award.

Why is it now Best International Feature Film as opposed to Foreign Language Film? Of course and as expected, Parasite wins Best International Feature Film or Foreign Language Film. I guess that Bong Joon-Ho really likes the name change and what it symbolizes.

I know this is terribly un-LGBTQ of me but I just don’t care about Elton John and this song isn’t good.

Ummmmmm. Sigourney Weaver looks INCREDIBLE. If she’s had work done, it’s both discrete and expensive. It’s a testament when you stand next to people like Brie Larson and Gal Gadot and hold your own at nearly 70. Get it done, Sigourney.

Love this Icelandic woman winning Best Score for Joker. Love, love, love, love. There’s more than Bjork in Iceland. Great speech.

Elton John wins for Best Original Song and I don’t care.

OH SNAP. Bong Joon Ho wins Best Director for Parasite. Y’all, it’s looking good for Parasite. Solid, solid speech as delivered by this translator who DID NOT step it up for the Oscars. Still just a smart suit. I was hoping for more, girl.

I want so hard to get Billie Eilish. And I just don’t. But I always enjoy the In Memoriam. Kirk Douglas, 103 years old.

Olivia Colman must have got a deal on all that velvet. Ooooof. But, dammit, she’s hilarious. Of course and as expected, Joaquin Phoenix wins for Joker. He’s not right. His speech was insane. Art imitates life……

Of course and as expected, Renee Zellweger wins Best Actress for Judy. This Texas accent has been present this whole awards season. I don’t get it and I don’t know why. Her speech isn’t meaningful at all. It’s just names. Blah. Well, now, we’re trying to make it meaningful but I’m not sure it’s working.

Let’s stand up for Jane Fonda, shall we? She’s a fucking movie star. She looks REMARKABLE. Don’t get me wrong. She’s 81 years old and has been sliced and diced every which way but loose but still….she looks bananas amazing. Best Picture, y’all. What’s it gonna be???? The anticipation is palpable!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd the Oscar goes to: PARASITE!!!! I mean at this point it’s no surprise. First non-English movie ever to win Best Picture. I’m into it. I love it. The speeches are wonderful. I loved that Tom Hanks and Charlize were all like…Bring the light back up. Let them speak!

Peace out, Oscars. It’s time for bed.