#edgar evernever

[wolfofansbach]

BEING A LIST OF THE THIRTEEN GREATEST RIVERDALE LINES, ON THE OCCASION OF THAT SHOW'S TERMINATION

As our much loved/hated show comes to an end, I feel compelled to record, for posterity, the greatest thirteen pieces of dialogue to spring from the pens of RAS and his henchmen. It was, of course, originally a top ten list, but I simply could not exclude a few of these treasures. Without further ado: 

13. 

“I dropped out in the 4th grade, to sell drugs, to support my nana.” 

“That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” 

Spoken by: an inmate of Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, and Archie Andrews. 

In: 3 x 2 

Yeah, okay, this one had to be on the list. It’s funny, I’ll admit. It’s a great example of the overwrought semi-sincere melodrama that helped make this show so special. It’s low on the list largely because The Normies got their hands on it, so every time I hear someone make a reference I get all “do not cite the deep magic to me, witch.” 

12. 

“No! No! What are we supposed to do now? I’m horny as heck!”

Spoken by: Archie Andrews 

In: 7 x 16

Season 7 is undeniably dreadful, and yet there are diamonds in the rough. The occasion is the failure of a projector, just as Archie and Reggie prepare to watch a pornographic film. The utter desperation with which KJ Apa delivers this line is exquisite. One is made to feel they are witnessing a genuine tragedy. 

11. 

“Tonight, they’re making an exception and debuting a cover of the song my parents claim they were listening to the night Jason and I were conceived.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom. 

In: 1 x 1 

Really a fantastic line. A wonderful encapsulation of the casual absurdity of Cheryl’s character, and a foretaste of the lunacy we would plumb in later episodes and seasons. 

10. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones

In: 1 x 10

A genuine classic. “High school football” before “high school football.” One is never entirely sure just how sincere the line is meant to be, both on a meta-level and in-universe. A perfect illumination of Jughead’s pretentiousness. It is made all the better by the occasional cuts to Lili Reinhard’s agonized face. 

9. 

“At the last dance, multiple students were murdered.” 

Spoken by: Principal Holden Honey. 

In: 4 x 2

Delivered as an explanation to Toni and Cheryl, as to why there would be no school dance this year. Principal Honey is in fact supremely rational in the cancellation of this dance. This being Riverdale, he is of course treated as an unreasonable tyrant. 

8. 

“Bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.” 

Spoken by: Archie Andrews (evil version)

In: 6 x 5 

Spoken as evil Archie reveals his evil plan to keep the parallel universes apart. KJ Apa’s delivery once again makes this line. He is comically sinister. Strangely, he sells it. 

7. 

“A Vughead kiss, right now, in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead from imploding.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones. 

In: 2 x 14

One of those lines that both makes me laugh and makes me genuinely angry. This was a fairly early season, and this may have actually been the first line to get me asking, ‘did they genuinely write and deliver that?’ Extra points for use of the atrocious ‘Vughead’ portmanteau ship name rather than ‘Jeronica.’ 

6. 

“I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho bitch.” 

Spoken by: Betty Cooper

In: 4 x 14 

Just delicious. Another one of those lines that leaves you somewhat unsure whether or not the writers understood how genuinely hysterical it was. “The Nightmare from Next Door” sounds like an announcer hyping up a wrestler. Spoken with a raw sincerity by Lili Reinhart. Also points for the heavy homoeroticism between Betty and Donna. 

5. 

“For I am Cheryl Blossom, Queen of the Bees.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.

In: 5 x 16. 

This one really doesn’t require any elaboration. 

4. 

“Elijah ascended…and I will, too.” 

Spoken by: Edgar Evernever.

In: 4 x 5. 

Admittedly, this one is only spectacular with context. But in context—the context being that Chad Michael Murray delivers this line while dressed like Evel Knievel and standing in a cartoon rocket right out of a Warner Bros cartoon—it becomes utterly magnificent. 

3. 

“It’s not queer baiting, it’s saving the world.” 

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 6 x 22. 

It’s actually hard for me to decide whether this one is funnier with or without context. Without context it’s wonderful, but it possibly becomes even funnier when you know that the context is that Veronica needs to kiss Cheryl to transfer superpowers into her body so she can turn into a Scarlet Witch knock-off and stop a magic comet summoned by Sephiroth an English wizard who is also the Devil. 

2. 

“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.” 

Spoken by: Kevin Keller. 

In: 3 x 12.

One of my personal favorites. This is a perfect line because like #3, it requires no real elaboration. There is absolutely no context in which it isn’t hysterical. 

1 .

“Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest, their ‘princes,’ as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys.

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 2 x 20. 

This is, in my opinion, the all-timer. Every word is perfect. The rapid-fire alliteration. The use of the word ‘demimonde.’ The entirely unnecessary addition of ‘as it were.’ This is borderline Dr. Seuss. The fact that Camila Mendes delivered it without cracking a smile should have won her an Emmy. No. An Oscar. This line is Riverdale. 

[liege-of-the-bees]

Screw everything else, what I really want is the return of Edgar Evernever, homophobic PTA Dad edition

[apomaro-mellow]

edgar evernever has matthew mcconhaughey energy

[peachestoon2016]

WAIT SO YOU’RE TELLING ME TRISTAN DUGRAY AND EDGAR EVERNEVER WERE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR

[wearelondonhq]

(maisie)! welcome to london, EDGAR EVERNEVER! did anyone ever tell you that you look just like RYAN GOSLING? well, no matter, we hear that you are 38 and working as a LEADER OF THE FARM. we also hear that you currently HAVE your memories from RIVERDALE and have a tendency to be CONNIVING as well as HOT-TEMPERED. 

(maisie!) welcome to london, EDWARD “EDDIE” BROCK! did anyone ever tell you that you look just like TOM HARDY? well, no matter, we hear that you are 41 and working as a JOURNALIST. we also hear that you currently HAVE your memories from MARVEL and have a tendency to be DEDICATED as well as STUBBORN. 

— WELCOME TO LONDON, edgar evernever & eddie brock! you look very familiar, do we know you from somewhere? anyways, take your time settling in because whether you want to or not, it looks like you’re going to be living here for awhile! // welcome maisie, please be sure to follow our checklist here!

[fourlynchclover]

at any given moment i am thinking about edgar evernever and his rocket

[frauleinfunf]

Rewriting the Evernevers bc God were they wasted potential

Me actually talking about Riverdale Season 3 in the year of our Lord 2022 bc I'm petty and also egotistical enough to think I could do a better job (actually that's not egotistical a two year old hamster could do a better job)

Edgar grew up in a Quiverfull-like Evangelical cult

He married super young and his wife got pregnant super fast like most people in those cults

His wife died from trying to self induce an abortion bc before she got pregnant she was planning to run away and like many women in those cults she would've rather died than be trapped for the rest of her life

Instead of confronting the ideas he was raised with, Edgar became too extremist for his extremist cult and started his own

Sometime later, Evelyn's mother joins the cult as a pregnant teenager who was just kicked out and abandoned by her boyfriend

As Evelyn grows, Edgar thinks she starts to bear a striking resemblance to his late wife and starts grooming her

When her mother finds out and tries to leave with Evelyn, Edgar poisons her and tells Evelyn she died of an illness

He formally adopts Evelyn

He starts to poison her food, not enough to kill her but enough to make her a sickly child and convince her she has the same kidney disease as her mother, bc she starts asking questions and he needs her as dependent on him as possible.

I probably would've had the narrative treat her as a snobby and judgemental when she first appears, as she would've been raised to treat people who are "of the world" like that

Slowly there would be hints at how abusive Edgar is, with the Heathers episode really starting to explore it with Kindergarten Boyfriend and Betty starting to realize that Evelyn is a deeply manipulated abuse victim (I esp imagine a scene where Evelyn is being dodgy about how she broke her arm, and Betty is suspicious and interrogates her until Evelyn shamefully admits she disobeyed her father by keeping a teen magazine Josie gave her. She then hides in the bathroom, wonders why she keeps disappointing Edgar, and that's where Kindergarten Boyfriend comes in)

Also Josie I feel like is the only one of the teens with any emotional intelligence whatsoever (as well as intelligence in general) and is the first to realize how fucked up Evelyn's situation is and actively tries to reach out to her. This makes her storyline parallel Veronica better, thus giving her meaningful screentime in the Heathers episode and also like actual impact on the story

Evelyn slowly comes out of her shell after the Heathers episode, becoming friendlier with the Riverdale High student body, and eventually develops a crush on Chuck (bc you know what he deserved a storyline where he wasn't the bad guy or the scapegoat)

One night they kiss, and Edgar finds out

Edgar tells Evelyn that she has sullied herself kissing a boy, and one who is worldly at that, but he'll marry her out of the kindness of his heart to save her purity by entering a Godly marriage.

I would've had Alice being a mole revealed way earlier (like idk she tells Betty before doing all that shit like donating her college fund to the cult or sending her to the Sisters) and she's the one who tells Betty about this

There would've been this big dramatic climax with Betty stopping the wedding and all that, and at some point they find out about Edgar poisoning Evelyn and her mother (like idk how but it's Riverdale I don't have to be scientific or believable)

Evelyn turns on Edgar after finding all this out (obvs I would have her starting to internally doubt what Edgar has told her her whole life as she starts interacting with kids her age, and this would be the moment when it all came crashing down)

In the aftermath I'd have the Keller-McCoys take her in bc they're the best parents on this show and tbh the only ones I'd trust with a deeply traumatized child (I'd trust Fred too but that poor guy already has to house every other wayward child in his two bedroom house he deserves a break)

[srijellyfishtempura]

WHY IS THE VILLAINS NAME FUCKING "EVERNEVER" THATS SUCH A FUCKING COMICAL NAME

[sillysymbol]

to be completley honest i have zero idea what riverdale is. the last time i properly thought about it was a few days ago when i heard it ended and i was shocked because i thought it ended in like 2016. all i know is like umm. ok so i may not have actually absorbed anything. ok theres jughead. i think. and hes like weird. i think. hes a weirdo you know. ummmmm maybe some sort of murder happening???? pretty sure there was lesbianism... but maybe not??? in my heart there is. i KNOW there was um. archie was there. is he gay for jughead? was he gay for someone else????

ok ummm so now i have to admit that most of what i know about this show is like. guessing based on a family guy episode. i used to watch a lot of family guy begrudgingly and there was one episode where they like parodied teen dramas for part of it and i think a bit of riverdale was in there??? ugh im canceling this whole ask. im intrigued and faccinated by this riverdale stuff that you post but much like a grampa old enough to have fought in the war i dont quite understand. in my beautiful mind they all get adopted by a ghost or something. maybe start some sort of pyramid scheme. but i willst never understand...

no i cant watch it i have so many important things to do. i draw old guys. that takes up so much damn time.

there is So Much More

[maddy-ferguson]

One tree hill?

Favourite character: brooke but haley was my favorite character the first time i watched the show and i still love her a lor. also nathan.

Funniest character: he's not the funniest character but i wanna give a shout out to my friend chris keller because i think he's very funny...

Best-looking character: brooke

3 favourite ships: naley brulian and peyton and jake maybe but i also like leyton when i don't hate them

Least favourite character: lucas i'm a lucas hater and i mean that

Least favourite ship: brucas i'm a brucas hater and i mean that

Reason why I watch it: it's fun. very dramatic. love a good car crash

Why I started watching it: two of my friends kept having conversations about it and i wanted to be included

[turnallthemirrors]

I'm at the organ harvesting cult, I'm at the rocket ship suicide, I'm at the combination organ harvesting cult and rocket ship suicide

[inutaffy]

[good-things-do-happen-dean]

oh you got gay kevin to join your cult? congrats on brainwashing the most brainwashable person in the world

[bettycooper]

It’s the epic highs and lows of high school football, serial killer genes, Serpent/Gargoyle/Rat King, creating a cult for organ harvesting, palladium mines, the Room of Wigs, disarming a bomb using a bobby pin, my speciality is ice, Julian (Doll’s Version), serial killer making fun of another serial killer for being a bad serial killer, product placement, Bingo, town-wide seizures, Shein Scarlett Witch, singing so much bad singing, the great trench warfare of 2020, the Holy Grail, is it football/wrestling/basketball or music, iconic beanie and ponytail, snake facts, alien maple syrup mothman, Edgar Knievel Evernever, where in the world is Toffee Cooper?, floating babies, The Bear, Queen of the Bees, Serpent/Warrior/Gargoyle/Prom Queen, a kid is dead Archie!, Stonewall Four, Reggie’s mullet, being in the mood for chaos, Red/Dark Circle, inventing red, 7 years past but still 2020, tickle porn, Jason’s corpse just hanging out giving fashion advice, and I’m weird, I’m a weirdo for me.

[wearelondonhq]

hello !!! can i please drop namor ( marvel ), arthur harrow ( marvel ), cal hockley ( titanic ), june moone ( dc comics)? thanks!

(maisie) welcome to london, EDGAR EVERNEVER! did anyone ever tell you that you look just like RYAN GOSLING? well, no matter, we hear that you are 48 and working as a LEADER OF THE FARM. we also hear that you currently HAVE your memories from RIVERDALE and have a tendency to be REMARKABLE as well as OBSESSIVE. 

— WELCOME TO LONDON, edgar evernever! you look very familiar, do we know you from somewhere? anyways, take your time settling in because whether you want to or not, it looks like you’re going to be living here for awhile! // welcome maisie, please be sure to follow our checklist here. welcome to the group!

* please note that namor ( marvel ), arthur harrow ( marvel ), cal hockley ( titanic ), june moone ( dc comics) are now reopened for applications!

[wolfofansbach]

Personal thoughts and meditations upon the occasion of the Riverdale series finale. 

Probably like four people are going to read this but I feel compelled to write it out anyway. This show has genuinely been a massive part of my life. I watched the first episode because some high school friends encouraged me to (IRONICALLY, BRO). I was in high school when I started this show. Those friends of course long ago fell away, unable to continue, unable to wacth anymore, but I have kept the faith. All seven seasons. Every. Single. Episode.

I’m not even entirely sure what captivated me so much about the show. I loved the atmosphere of season 1. I genuinely wanted to find out who killed Jason Blossom. Was genuinely fucked up by episode 1 x 12 and the first season finale.

I have such fond memories of watching the first season. I distinctly remember a road-trip I Tok with my friends the summer of 2017, and joking about  maple syrup drug empires and the “weirdo” line back when that was the wildest scene on the show. Joking about how sick of the song ‘Believer’ by Imagine Dragons (2017) we were. 

And then I decided to get involved in a fandom for the first time in a couple of years, and so I revived my old Tumblr, and I began Posting. And reading posts.  

That was my last summer after high school and I was so nervous about college but this show and this fandom helped me get through it. My freshman year I lived in a dorm, and if you wanted to watch TV you had to go down to this common room, so every Thursday I would go down there like an hour ahead of time and occupy the place to make sure the remote was in my hands by 7 PM. A few times I failed, and I missed an episode because of it. But rarely! 

I remember that slowly dawning feeling as season 2 progressed. Scrolling my Tumblr feed and slowly seeing people come to the realization: “wait…is it just me or does this show actually suck.” Was kind of frustrating at the time, realizing that the writers just like…were bad, but in retrospect? Beautiful. Incredible. Legendary. 

And you could even say that’s where the fun really began. Yes, there’s plenty to hate, but also Riverdale is brilliant. The show of all time. For real. No other show has done it like Riverdale. They just haven't, and they never will. The age of the cable television teen drama is ending, and what a hell of a last hurrah Riverdale has been.

The Red Circle. Jingle Jangle. The Gargoyle King. Edgar Evernever and his fantastic rocket. Bret Weston Wallis and Donna Sweett (genuinely cannot say their names without giggling). Jughead getting hit in the head with a rock and faking his death for like…some reason? I genuinely can’t remember, something to do with the Hardy Brothers idk. Tabitha sprinkling the devil with the tears of the Virgin Mary. The normies can laugh all they want about “epic highs and lows” but do they remember the even funnier lines like “if there’s no wedding, that means the gargoyle king has won” or “word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance…” THEY NEVER WILL. ONLY THE TRUE FAITHFUL UNDERSTAND. 

And is silly as it all was, I have genuine affection for these characters. Like Betty, Veronica, Jughead, Archie, Cheryl, Toni, actually mean a lot to me. YES they’re fake but I want the best for them (and for Beronica to be canon but you know we can’t win them all). I’m genuinely grateful that this show has existed and been a part of my life for the past six years. 

Moreover, I credit this show for seriously getting into writing. I’ve actually written almost a million words of Riverdale fanfiction. Much of it will never see the light of day, but it exists. Maybe I even have one or two left in me, I don’t know. At the very least I’d like to finish a few uncompleted fics. But I’ve also branched out. Since I started seriously writing in 2017, I’ve also finished several original manuscripts, and who knows, maybe one day I’ll get one published. Stranger things have happened. 

So, thanks Roberto.

And thanks to all of the very cool people I’ve run into in this fandom. I honestly wish I’d gotten to know most of you better, but them’s the breaks. Hopefully this isn’t weird but I’m going to tag a few people in particular. 

@village-skeptic. I know you’re not in the fandom anymore (lucky you), but thank you for, once upon a time, reading every one of the 200,000+ words of a 17-year-old kid’s turgid, indulgent, Riverdale Spanish Civil War fan fiction. I never, ever would have finished that story without you, and I credit it with giving me the confidence to keep writing, and in fact to write everything I’ve written since then. You’re brilliant and awesome. 

@satelliteinasupernova. Thank you for also reading Interbellum (are we noticing a pattern), and more importantly for all of your wonderful drawings. INCLUDING fanart of some of my fics. You have no idea how happy that Strange Death of Elizabeth Cooper piece made me. You rule. 

@sullypants. You were a perennial presence on my feed. Always wonderful to see. I love your taste in art, and I love those ‘penguin classics’ covers you made for a few of my fics. Thank you also for beta reading a few fics for me back in the glory days. And thank you for chatting with me a couple times over the years, including a few times when I was in quite unhappy places. 

@stillhidden. I’m not sure if we’ve ever actually talked, but you like or reblog everything I post and it makes me feel like I’m not just shouting into the void. Same goes for @frauleinfunf Thank God for dutiful mutuals. 

@sonyascomet. I can’t remember when I started following you but you have a really good sense of humor. And I’ll always remember when you kept posting about “Greg” for Succession and I, not knowing anything about Succession, kept imagining Greg Heffley. 

@stillhidden thank you for your world-weary Riverdale posts. You truly understand fandom like few others.

@halcooper. Your devotion to the neglected parents of Riverdale is truly admirable. Every time I see Lochlyn Munro in some weird low budget horror movie I’ll think of you.

I hope I didn’t forget anyone who would be offended by my forgetting, but I doubt it. 

All this to say this show has been a genuinely huge part of my life for six years. SIX YEARS. I graduated college, my God. I wish I could say I became a millionaire or a successful author in that time, but nah. Maybe one day, but for now I’m just kind of vibing. And unfortunately, I’ll have to vibe without Riverdale from now on. 

But as I sit myself down to watch the very last episode of this show, I remind myself that we’ll always have the memories. And I’ll always be an unapologetic Riverdale enjoyer. As a great man once said, snakes don’t shed their skins so easily.