#eg. educational posts or talking about your body to other trans people where knowing what anatomy someone's working with would be useful

[fabulouslygaybean]

i reeeaaaally hate how the trans community has circled back to perpetuating yet another gender binary with afab/amab. it's like we've done a 180 and all of a sudden trans people are basing their opinions of other trans people on their fucking genitals, just like transphobic cis folk do but in a different, more "progressive" flavor

[rotationalsymmetry]

commenting on without reblogging (which is taking a lot more willpower than usual):

Sometimes trans people with weird identities latch onto a way of describing that experience that is problematic. They encounter the term "two spirit" and it seems to fit but they're not native american and they don't have the context to fully and accurately understand what that means. Or they use "transgender" as a gender identity rather than a modifier of a gender identity. Or they use outdated language. Etc.

(Or, in this case, an afab person feels like a trans woman. What does that mean? I don't know. But I sure hope she figures it out. I too sometimes identify more, in specific ways, with transfeminine people than with people who share my assigned gender at birth. Specifically, and I don't think this is what this other person was saying, I'm about 100% sure that if I was born into a male body I'd identify as a crossdresser, because as it is I want to be seen as masculine (or at least not actively feminine?) in my everyday life and feminine for sex, and that's a common enough thing for amab people, and I've never encountered anyone else expressing that as part of their sense of who they are who is afab. Maybe there are more people like that, maybe it gets just written off as "well, I'm a feminist, of course I don't want men sexualizing me in my everyday life" idk. I don't think it's just that though. And at this point I'm sure that gravitating towards femininity in a sexual context isn't just socialization, it's actively part of who I am, at my core, in a way that not all people are.) (There's an older book called GenderQueer: Voices from Beyond the Sexual Binary that I strongly recommend for anyone who finds themselves resonating with this. It's nearly 20 years old and from well before the modern idea of "nonbinary" crystallized.) Trans people (and people who aren't entirely sure if they're "really trans" but whose identity is more complicated than "100% and exclusively identify with the gender everyone else thinks I am") have the right to try to figure out what their deal is, and figuring it out is more important than using the precise right wording for our own experiences. That isn't to say you have to grit your teeth and ignore it when a trans person says something painful, but it does mean that before you step in and tell them they're wrong, you should check yourself. Do I know this person, and do I have the sort of relationship where they'll welcome feedback from me? Am I sure about the correction/call out I want to make? Can I do it with compassion? Am I able to differentiate between what this person is trying to say and how they're saying it, so that my criticism comes across as "phrasing!" and not as "you are bad and wrong for talking about this/for having the identity you have." I got into a weird online fight with a cis person online one time for trying to express that bisexuals should be able to explain our orientation in words that make sense to us, and some of my words came out in a way that was Not Great because there was context I didn't understand. But my concept was right: bisexuals (and m-spec people who use other labels like pansexual) should have their ability to express feelings and thoughts about their own identity, that that should be given a higher priority than using the exact most PC language. (This is also an issue for intersectional identities: class and educational background, english as a second language, developmental disabilities can all create barriers to using the "right" language.) That's also the case for trans people looking around for the best way to explain what they are in a world that is fundamentally hostile to trans people and doesn't want to give us words to explain ourselves. The last thing trans people need is to be shouted down and told to be silent by our own fucking community. To be told that unless we can say things perfectly according to someone else's standard, then we shouldn't say anything at all. Again, not to say you can't ever call someone out for questionable/problematic language use. But be kind. And don't suppress people's attempts at self-exploration and self-understanding, because that's more important than getting the words right. (I mean, technically I can't determine how important it is for non-indigenous people to keep our hands off culturally specific terms? But I don't think the occasional non-binary person misusing the term "two-spirit" as they're trying to figure out what they are, is the worst problem here.) (Plus...sometimes people aim for

cultural appropriators and hit people who are actually from the culture that is supposedly being appropriated. It's a concept that has to be handled with some finesse, and balanced against the basic principle of "be careful about telling other people they're doing it wrong.") (And no, I still don't think that a bisexual getting told they're wrong for expressing their orientation in terms of genitals* is more important than a bisexual figuring out that they are bisexual and communicating that, in whatever words come most naturally to them. And I still don't think a bisexual telling a family member or whoever "I'm bisexual, that means I'm attracted to men and women, I don't switch orientations every time I switch dating partners" is remotely a problem. It's not the most precise language. And some bisexuals are not attracted to both men and women. But someone who doesn't get what bisexual means is also going to have difficulty understanding nonbinary people, and it often makes sense to have those awkward conversations separately, and the person with the confused relative gets to make that call, not the entire freaking internet.) (Also, it is so bad that whenever I want to have a conversation online with bisexuals about bisexuality, we invariably get derailed by the great bi/pan wars and how bisexuality should be defined and I hate that, that actively interferes with us understanding ourselves and finding community, it is not OK.) (*This does happen. There is a hugely popular FB group nominally about bisexuality, and whenever a bisexual expresses their orientation in terms of genitals or uses language that implies that there are only men and women, that person gets dogpiled by dozens of other group members. Even when it's eg a post about coming out to that person's parents, or something else vitally important to that person's personal life. A situation where that person should be centered, and using the exact right language for another marginalized group that happens to overlap a lot with bisexuals should not be. This happens. And it's wrong.)

[cassolotl]

Gender and sex are [not] different

Content note: Article refers to transphobia, TERFs, sex essentialism.

~

I have recently seen nonbinary people, even high-profile nonbinary people like Asia Kate Dillon, saying that gender and sex are different. This is bothering me a lot, for reasons I’ve struggled to articulate, but I’m gonna try anyway damnit.

Disclaimer: This is just the way I see things. I’ll back up my assertions where I can, but please do understand that I am the internet equivalent of some dude you met in the pub last week.

~

AN OVERVIEW / SOME CONTEXT

Sex and gender are both social constructs, which basically means they’re ideas that humans created. A penis is just a penis, but only a human would say that a penis (or a person with a penis) is inherently male.

The definitions of sex and gender are broadly agreed to be subtly different: sex is purely anatomical, whereas gender is an experience, a combination of physical, behavioural and psychological things that no one is really able to pin down.

I live in the UK, and here there is no legal difference between sex and gender.

The “sex” marker on your birth certificate can be changed with a gender recognition certificate (hormones and surgery not compulsory), and birth certificates are not connected to medical records at all. Getting that sex marker changed is very difficult and expensive.

You can legally have a different gender or sex marker on all your state-issued IDs and at most it’ll cause some bureaucratic confusion.

You can put any title on any record and some people will probably frown at you if you put Mrs if you’re an unmarried person but those people are legally speaking in the wrong.

Basically anything is legal as long as you’re not doing it to deceive or commit fraud, and the Gender Recognition Panel is way outdated and about to be dismantled anyway.

To put it another way, what the UK calls “legal sex” is actually just legal gender, misnamed. Even the sex marker on medical records is a gender marker misnamed.

To add to the confusion, linguistically speaking sex and gender are generally described in the same way - because until very recently, English-speakers have largely been unable to change their bodies and therefore unable to change the way the world treats them. Words like “female” can describe someone’s body and/or someone’s gender, while also describing the reproductive capacity of non-human lifeforms, the shape of the connecting end of a computer cable...

Because of the body/mind distinction, people who say that only we can define our genders will often comfortably say that sex can be objectively determined by an educated professional.

Doctors generally agree that sex is defined by:

the number and type of sex chromosomes;

the type of gonads—ovaries or testicles;

the sex hormones;

the internal reproductive anatomy (such as the uterus in females); and

the external genitalia.

Since finding out someone’s sex chromosomes takes months and is very expensive and largely unnecessary for most people, unless your doctor has found a pressing reason to test your chromosomes (such as signs that you may be intersex and it may affect your physical health in some way), you do not know your own sex. Yes, you. You have, at least, a (probably but not necessarily accurate) guess based on the information you have unequivocal access to: external genitalia.

This blog post assumes that misgendering people is harmful. It may not harm everyone, but it harms enough people that it’s a good idea to behave in a way that prevents that harm.

~

SEX AND GENDER ARE THE SAME

1: Sex --> gender

The idea that gender is defined by sex is an obvious wrong thing, so it seems like a good place to start. That’s the idea that your gender comes from your body. If you were born with a penis and testicles, you are a man, whether you like it or not.

Who does it: Some people (eg: TERFs) say that hormones and surgery simply “mask” your “true” sex/gender, and you can’t change your chromosomes or the way you were born. Some people (eg: some outdated gender recognition systems) say that your body must be changed in order to change your gender.

Why it’s harmful: It sucks for trans people. Either you can never be correctly gendered by other people, even when you pass, or you can only be correctly gendered by other people once someone has inspected your genitals or judged your facial hair or whatever.

What to do instead: Don’t say that gender is irrevocably tied to one’s body. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their gender is.

2: Gender --> sex

Who does it: If you’re on Tumblr you’ve probably read blog posts that say things like “I am female, therefore my penis is female.” A lot of us feel this way about our own bodies, and taking ownership of the language used to describe your body is a very positive thing. In the UK it’s supported by the medical system, which lets you change the gender/sex marker on your medical records just by asking the receptionist.

Why it’s harmful: It’s not - unless you start to impose it on others. It’s not universal. Some of us strongly feel and identify with the sex of the body; for example, Asia Kate Dillon is nonbinary but strongly identifies their body as female.

And then there’s Big Freedia, who says she’s a man because she has a man’s body. Her name and pronouns and presentation, everything that we use as gender cues, are decidedly feminine - but she is very open about her body being male.

What to do instead: Don’t assume stuff about people’s bodies or the language they use to talk about their bodies based on their gender, pronouns, presentation, etc. Don’t say that in general, for example, a body is female if it belongs to a woman. Respect everyone’s right to bodily privacy. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their sex is. But like, don’t ask, okay? Don’t even hint. It is none of your business.

~

SEX AND GENDER ARE UNCONNECTED

This is the one that’s been bugging me lately.

Who does it: I’ve seen nonbinary people go out of their way to correct people who equate gender and sex (or man and male, woman and female), and in doing so they state that sex and gender are never connected.

And it’s understandable! The idea that someone can be born in the wrong body has been central to the campaign of visibility and understanding aimed at cisgender people for quite a long time now. It counters the idea above, that sex defines gender, that has been socially prevalent for basically all of living ciscentric memory. A lot of us probably learned about what being transgender is by hearing the idea that your mind can be one gender while your body is another, and said, “damn, that could explain a lot for me.”

Asia Kate Dillon takes this to an extreme. I mentioned above that their gender is nonbinary and their sex is female, but they have also stated that sex and gender are entirely unconnected, for everyone. They insist that male and female are words used to describe sex only, and that it harms them when trans women call themselves female. They said that sex is defined by those five characteristics I listed in the overview, and if any of those characteristics doesn’t match the others then your body stops being male or female at all; a person who’s had a hysterectomy can no longer be called female in terms of sex.

Why it’s harmful: When people say to a trans person, “well you might be a man but your body is not male,” they are implying that someone’s biology would be relevant to anyone but themself, the people they may be physically intimate with, and maybe their doctor. On this level alone it’s personally very intrusive, in a way that no cis person would have to tolerate.

On a practical level, it allows people to exclude trans people from gendered spaces in which they belong on the basis of aspects of their body that may never even be visible, because their body is somehow more relevant (to gendered spaces like toilets and changing rooms) than who they are, and cis people can’t possibly cope.

There are two common excuses for excluding trans people from these spaces.

Random cisgender humans will accidentally see a weird body and be needlessly alarmed or frightened. (Frankly, not our problem?)

Some people are incurably violent or harmful because of their bodies; even someone seeing their bodies may cause harm. (That’s, at very generous best, insulting. In reality, if you are perceived as a serious threat when you walk into a room you become a target.)

What to do instead: Don’t make sweeping statements like “trans people were born in the wrong body” or “gender and sex are different and unrelated.” Support and respect people when they tell you about their own experiences of their body and gender. Encourage cisgender people to take responsibility for their emotional issues, improve and increase resources for victims of sexual violence, advocate for partially gender-neutralising spaces, and welcome trans people into gendered spaces where possible - and it almost always is possible.

~

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS

Always respect people’s right to bodily privacy. Always.

If you feel like your sex is defined by your gender then great but it’s not true for every trans and/or nonbinary person. Similarly, if you feel that your gender and sex are independent of each other then that’s fine but don’t impose that on other people.

Barring unusual phobias, there is no need to ever consider the impact of someone’s sex on you personally. Unless you’re a doctor or you’re about to have sex or something.

In reality, there is a relationship between one’s body and one’s gender for a lot of people, otherwise gender dysphoria wouldn’t be a thing. What the connection is we may never fully understand, but that doesn’t matter. There is a connection for many people and it feels different for everyone, and that needs to be acknowledged and respected. At the same time, for many people there is no apparent connection between their gender and their body, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be one or that deep down everyone else is just wrong about themselves.

Gender and sex are complex individually, and their relationship to each other is complex too. Trying to logic it and sort it into boxes and make a flow chart of it just isn’t going to work. We can stop trying to teach each other, and start supporting each other instead.

[hedonistink]

HedonistInk’s Guide To Writing Trans Men Having Sex

I wrote this up in response to another post but it really should have its own post here on my blog. The topic? Sex scenes involving trans guys, how to write them, and how not to write them.

There’s been a lot of trans male headcanons popping up in fandoms lately. And that’s awesome! As a trans guy myself, I love seeing trans headcanons by both cis and trans people! And there’s been a lot of fics & art involving trans dudes having sex popping up lately. And that’s awesome too! Hell yeah we can get down and do the do! Unfortunately... many of these headcanons, art pieces, & fics don’t portray trans guys, their bodies, and their sex lives accurately. And that’s... not so awesome. There’s some pretty icky stereotypes and commonalities going around. So I’m here to shed a little light on trans men and how we get down.

First, I’d like to start by saying this content is of a mature nature, please exercise reader discretion before deciding to read it and follow your local laws & restrictions regarding such content.

Second, I’d like to note that my ask box is always open to questions if anybody wants to fact-check their trans fic with an actual trans dude. I’m more than willing to help educate.

Now, on to the lesson!

HedonistInk’s Guide To Writing Trans Men Having Sex:

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Trans guys come in all sexual orientations.

If a trans man is having sex with a man, whether that man is cis or trans, that is gay sex. They’re both men. Having gay sex.

If a trans man is having sex with a woman, whether that woman is cis or trans, that is straight sex. It’s a man and a woman. That’s straight sex.

Trans guys can most often be found fucking: gay men, bi/pan men, straight women, & bi/pan women. In other words: People who are attracted to men.

TERMINOLOGY: My number one issue with people who aren’t trans guys (eg: cis, nb, etc) writing about trans guys having sex is the words they use. Topping the chart: CALL IT A DICK, NOT A CLIT. Seriously.

Up top: The most standard term for talking about a trans guy’s chest is ‘chest’. A lot of pre-op & no-op trans guys are really not okay with having the lumps on their chest called ‘breasts’. So if you’re writing about trans men getting some action on their torso, you’re better off talking about his chest and nipples than his breasts and nipples. 

The pole: It’s a dick. It might be a small dick but almost universally every trans guy I’ve met calls it a dick or cock and either dislikes or is actively squicked by it being called a clit. I’ve had so many conversations with other trans guys where we salt about seeing cis people writing trans guys in fic & calling it a clit. Sure, there are exceptions, trans guys who use the word clit, but there’s also gay men who use the f-slur to describe themselves. That’s a personal use. It’s not the standard. It’s not the common term. It’s not okay if you’re someone who isn’t a trans dude writing about a trans dude having sex. It doesn’t matter if you’re cis, nb, or any other identity, call it a dick. It’s a dick. Call it a dick. It doesn’t matter if they’re pre-T, on T, or if they’ve had some sort of genital surgery. It’s a dick any which way. He is a man. He has a penis.

The hole: There is no standard term for what a trans guy is probably gonna call the hole he’s got in front. I know guys using: Cunt, vagina, pussy, front hole, front door, boy hole, bonus hole, and so on. Personally, I like cunt, it’s gritty and abrasive and feels the most ‘masculine’ to me personally. That said, whatever term you use, try to be respectful in using it and understand that not all trans guys want sex to involve that body part.

TO REPEAT: DO NOT CALL A TRANS DUDE’S DICK A CLIT.

COMING OUT: Coming out as trans is usually scary. Coming out as trans can be dangerous.

Trans guys who pass, meaning they are perceived as men by people they meet, will at some point have to come out to romantic and/or sexual partner(s).

Usually these conversations will take place well before anything gets hot and heavy but sometimes things get a little carried out of hand and things need to pause so they can talk.

The last place most trans guys want to be when disclosing they’re trans is in the bedroom with someone’s hand down their pants as an “oh, by the way”. There have been many of cases of trans guys getting attacked in these situations if their partner freaks out over it. General rule? Don’t write your coming out scene as happening in the bedroom.

BODY BOUNDARIES: Trans people in general have a different relationship to their body from cis people by virtue of being trans. So since we’re focused on trans guys, let’s get into that.

Not all trans guys have sex the same way. Not all trans guys are okay with using some or all of the body parts they have during sex. We each have different body boundaries.

I know guys who won’t get shirtless, guys who won’t take off their binder, and guys who strip shirtless without worry. I know guys who don’t want their chest touched and guys who are really into receiving nipple play.

I know guys who love getting blowjobs and guys who don’t want a mouth down there.

I know guys who don’t want their cunt touched, guys who are okay with only fingers in there, and guys who are all about taking things in the front door.

I know guys who don’t want any penetrative sex, guys who don’t care where you put it, guys who only want it in the front, guys who don’t want anything in their ass, and guys who are fine as long as it’s only going in their ass.

I know guys who exclusively top, never bottom, and have gorgeous collections of strap-ons to fuck their partner(s). Yes, that’s right, trans men can top!

These are just some examples and there’s no standard. Every trans man will have different body boundaries that they need to discuss with their partner(s).

BODY CHANGES: The body changes a lot on testosterone. So let’s get into some of those changes.

CHEST: Chest fat does lessen on testosterone, but not usually by much. That said, they do become a lot more limp due to binding over the years. Binding makes breast tissue basically wilt, break down, and go floppy. If a trans guy binds, his chest fat will become more limp over time. Easier to compress flatter, but also deteriorates skin quality for future surgery.

BODY HAIR: Holy hairy nipples, batman! Trans guys often get chest hair, just like cis guys. I’ve never once seen a fic talk about a trans guy’s chest hair. Trans guys also get happy trails, facial hair, thicker hair on our legs and arms, etc, and generally develop average male body & facial hair patterns. 

DICK: This is one of the most noticeable changes on T, and also the fastest. Most guys begin to notice their dick starting to grow within a few weeks of starting T. Most grow to around 1″-2″ when erect. There are many cases of guys getting as much as 3″ but these should be considered outliers and not average. It’s the trans dude equivalent of a cis dude with a 10″ dick: possible but uncommon. Wait, erect? Yep! It gets erect. You can definitely see when a trans guy has a boner if you’re looking at his dick! You can also notice that it has a foreskin just like an uncut penis! The labia may also become more coarse and similar in texture to a cis guy’s balls.

FLUIDS: Not all trans guys get dry downstairs on T. Some do. But I know a lot of guys who’ve gotten a lot more wet since starting T. It happens a lot. It’s a 50/50 shot, really. Bodies are weird. There are some sloppy, messy, slick trans guys and some trans guys who have to use lube daily so they don’t chafe or even use an estrogen cream down there.

SMELL: On Testosterone, the smell of a trans guy’s junk changes. You get Man Musk™ within the first 6 months. Anyone who’s been near a cis guy’s dick knows what I mean by that: that really sharp, earthy dick smell.

TASTE: After about 6-8 months on testosterone, a trans guy’s fluids down there stop tasting like going down on a cis girl and they start tasting a hell of a lot more like a cis dude’s precum. It’s a hormone thing. So giving a trans dude who’s been on T for a while a blowjob is gonna smell & taste a lot more like blowing a guy with a really leaky dick than going down on a girl. Cause that’s exactly what’s going on. 

ORGASMS: Orgasms also change on testosterone. Guys who could previously get multiple orgasms pre-T often can’t once they start testosterone. But they do usually report them being stronger and more intense. 

HAVING SEX: Trans men definitely don’t have sex like cis women. Because they’re not cis women. They’re men. They’re just men with a slightly different tool set in their tool belt.

Like I said under Body Boundaries, we use our bodies to have sex in many varied ways. Blowjobs, handjobs, rimming, vaginal fingering, anal fingering, vaginal sex, anal sex, I could go on for ages.

If a trans guy is taking a cis dude’s dick in his cunt, it’s still gay sex, not straight sex, and needs to be treated as such.

SAFER SEX & PREGNANCY:

Trans guys can get STDs like any other guy and should use condoms accordingly. Trans guys having risky or unprotected sex with cis men may be prescribed PrEP, an HIV-prevention medication designed to lower the risk of contracting HIV. 

Speaking of STDs, people can get gonorrhoea & chlamydia in their ass or throat via anal & oral sex. This will not show on a standard pee test. There are special swabs for the ass and throat. Most doctors do not routinely perform these tests. They really should. But, back to the point.

Some people think trans men can’t get pregnant. This is a myth. Some men think trans men can’t be on birth control. This is a myth. These myths are dangerous.

Trans men who are having sex with cis men can get pregnant unless they’ve had a hysterectomy. The risk of pregnancy is decreased but not eliminated by T.

Trans men on T cannot get estrogen-based birth control but they can be on progesterone-only birth control. Most large trans-affirming health clinics will recommend this for trans men who have sex with cis men. Generally, this comes in two forms: a daily pill known as the ‘minipill’ or a 12-week injection known as the ‘depo shot’.

MEDICAL PROCEDURES: There are many routes trans guys can take in terms of medically transitioning.

For most trans people, the first step is hormone replacement therapy (HRT). For trans guys, this involves Testosterone therapy. Testosterone is usually administered via injection every 1, 2, or 12 weeks, depending on which kind, or via a daily cream/gel. 1 & 2 week shots are self-administered while 12-week shots are done by a professional. Trans guys who come out as kids or young teens may be prescribed hormone blockers to prevent or halt puberty until they can start T when they’re 15-18 (age varies with local laws & doctor’s discretion).

Another step for trans guys is usually top surgery. Guys with tiny chests (small B or less) can get periareolar (’peri’) or keyhole surgery. This leaves only a tiny scar around the nipple. Guys with larger chests usually get a double incision (’DI’) surgery which involves larger scars along the bottom of the pecs and nipple grafts or, less commonly, an Inverted-T or T-anchor surgery which involves the same scars under the pecs but an additional vertical scar from there to the nipple while eliminating the need for nipple grafts.

Trans guys usually get a total hysterectomy, removing the uterus, ovaries, cervix, and all the bits in between. A trans guy who has his ovaries removed must be on some form of hormone therapy (eg: testosterone) or else risks bone loss & osteoporosis.

Some trans guys may opt for genital surgery. These procedures and the reasons why some trans guys might or might not want one surgery or another is a whole complicated topic in itself. But if you’re curious, look into metoidioplasty (’meta/meto’) or phalloplasty (’phallo’). Tread carefully.

So, I’ll wrap this up with my most important point, again: If you are anything other than a trans guy (eg: if you are cis, nb, etc), DO NOT CALL A TRANS DUDE’S DICK A CLIT. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SMUTTY, CALL IT A DICK.

And, as I said, anyone can feel free to message me if they have questions about writing trans guys having sex.

Tl;dr: Just be respectful and know your subject matter.

[Edit: 2018/02/21 - Updated Title to Current URL]