#eh fuck it. ill see if they have appointments today or Monday

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Shout out to waking up at 6am and giving yourself an absolutely jacked haircut lol

[trainingismyboyfriend]

Monday, January 21 - Sunday, February 3

Condensing two weeks again because I forgot last Sunday.

Most of my running involved catering to my RunBet these last two weeks. I came back from Marscon with Con Crud. On top on that, I was scheduled to have a wisdom tooth extracted Monday afternoon. I got there, and they lost my appointment and were too overbooked to squeeze me in. I was pissed. By the time I was done there, booking another appointment for Wednesday afternoon, it was dark. Plus I was feeling a little bit ill, and was trying to fend off Con Crud in it’s early stage. 

The next morning, I woke up still with a sore throat. I had a bad day, and in the afternoon the dentist office called me up about RESCHEDULING the appointment I had just made the day prior. After they’d already lost my Monday appointment and wasted my time Monday. They kept suggesting times very early in the morning and I’m like, “no, I’ll be at work.” “No, I’ll be at work.” Over and over again until they were finally just like, “ok, I guess we’ll keep you at 4.” I get a call back 5 minutes later again asking me again to reschedule, that 4pm can’t happen. I literally just made this appointment yesterday. Finally, since no morning times worked for me, they suggested I come in late today at 5:45. I figured fuck it, that works for me, and gets it done and over with. I went for a quick run of the bare minimum mileage (1.5 miles at this point) in the time I had before I had to go to the dentist, since I knew I wouldn’t be up for it after and I didn’t want to lose many of my remaining rest days to recovery. It was extremely cold that day, in the 20s with a wind chill lower, and I was in such a mood after those calls that I went out in exactly what I was wearing. I came back and my hands felt like they were on fire for about a half hour from not wearing gloves. Then I went to the dentist. It had turned out that the dentist had to get his teenage daughter to a lesson out in Chesapeake Wednesday evening and the girls forgot when scheduling appointments for him, so he just decided to stay back late that day and get everyone done that could come in a day early. Eh, it happens. Honestly not even that mad, shit happens, and I’m just glad to have gotten it over with. 

(Just sayin.)

The next morning was terrible. I should have known better than to keep my tooth extraction scheduled for that week when I was already showing signs of fighting off a cold. When I woke up, the tooth extraction recovery had sent my little throat tickle into full blown Feel Like You’re Dying sick. I considered calling in to work, but tried to tough it out, and immediately asked my boss if I could leave when another girl came in. I made it through two hours at work before leaving and spent the rest of the day in bed. Obviously, another rest day used. 5 used, only 2 remaining, we’re getting into worrying territory. 

Thursday morning, I tried again to go to work, and only made it through about 4 and a half hours before requesting and being granted permission to go home and rest the rest of the day. Since the minimum pace in the run bet is so slow (18 minutes/mile) I was able to go for a walk and still meet the criteria for a run and not use up another rest day. 

By Friday I was finally starting to feel better and was able to make it through the day at work and from here out, I did not use a single rest day in case I were to need the 2 remaining rest days at some point. I did all of the remaining runs on the treadmill at the gym, and they were all 2 miles or more (did 2.5 a few times, just cause I felt like it.) I finished my 21st run on Friday, February 1st, with two days to spare and won the RunBet. 

As of right now, people still have the rest of the day to finish a last run, and they have I think 48 hours to sync their running app to RunBet, so official results wont be in until then, but as of right now only 237 of the 288 players remain eligible for the pot, and the number can only lower. But even at 237, my $30 has become $36.45. It’s not exactly getting rich off of betting on my running, but $6.45 is still more interest than $30 would get in 28 days in my savings account. And having money on the line kept me SO motivated to hit the gym, many of those 21 run days wouldn’t have been run without that motivation, and it really made me realize how many excessive lazy days I give myself. The running has helped me drop weight for DietBet too. 

I’m going to sign up for another RunBet, just because the motivation is so good. I’m debating between doing a repeat of the Make Running A Habit game or another game where the rule is you run 4 times a week for 30 minutes and have 3 rest days a week. On the one hand, I enjoy the challenge of the nearly daily running required of the Make Running A Habit game even if the distance isn’t challenging, and with the low distance you start at (0.5 miles), I could really focus on going short and fast and bringing my speed up. But on the other hand, the 4 30 minute runs a week could be better for calorie burn, plus the 4X30 game currently has more players (thus a higher pot and more chances for someone to drop out, though with 3 rest days a week, it seems hard to drop out of.) I guess I’ll see how they each grow in the next day and decide. 

On the DietBet front, the first month of my 10% in six month dietbet ended and I weighed in Friday at 131.8, below my round one goal of 3% or 132.5lbs thereby winning the round. Since the round isn’t finalized yet, I don’t know what my share of the pot with be. My goal for round two is  6% or 128.4lbs. Apparently the way 6 month dietbets work, only half of each month’s bet goes to that month’s round, and the other half goes to the big pot at the end of the 6 months. So worst case scenario and everyone wins round one, I get back $12.50 instead of $25, as the other $12.50 is for the big 6 month prize. I’m pretty ok with that because while I’m sure a lot of people have the motivation to make it through the first month, not as many will make it the whole six months. 

My other dietbet, the 4 week one, weighs in tomorrow and I need to be 131.1 for that one (4% down is the goal on the 4 week games) which I should have. Thinking about replacing it with another 4 week 4% diet bet. 

[wisteriadaisies]

therapy 3/16/17

had a very good session today! and i am here to talk about it😄

highlights:

-first we talked about my wisdom teeth surgery! how i survived and whatever. she asked me about how i was after our last appointment (as that was the day before i got my wisdom teeth out), which my anxiety was pretty high and so i took two ativans and that helped! and i told her how my surgery went and whatever and how the next few days went.

-i had NO anxiety and depression from after my surgery until sunday. in a comfortable bubble for a while. then monday happened and i was like, “okay, you can’t use this as a crutch anymore” and i then overwhelmed myself a lot. and with it also being spring break, i just felt really out of whack. she understood all of this, saying i was out of my norm. and then we talked more about this but honestly i don’t remember what the fuck else about this topic

-we talked a little about me applying for a summer scholarship and for the four year college i plan on attending, and scholarships in general. she asked me to tell her the pros and cons of applying now. really the pros are getting access to the specific advisor, signing up for spring classes early, and i guess getting it over with? i just HATE applying for things and like what if i won’t get in and she’s like you will get in!!!(she’s right i will i have a 3.075 I’ll get in just anxiety messing with me) and i said why would anyone want to get me money when they are people who do all of these things and activities??? she told me that there are scholarships for everyone, and told me this site that she recommended before. i said that the only ones that related to me were mental illness ones. and she’s like ???so?? you would still be getting money! but my issue was how i have nothing else but she said that i DO have other things, hobbies that i enjoy (and even though i don’t tell her about them she was right….SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT GUYS)

-i mentioned how i’m turning 20 next week and she was like ahhhh tuesday is the day!!! and i was like 😵 and so that began our in depth discussion on birthdays. how they are so fucking weird. i really shouldn’t go on a tangent about this….bc it’s basically pointless. i feel like we got kind of philosophical about birthdays and such😅bbut she reminded me that the day is supposed to be celebrating your life. and to me…..that’s hard to handle(which she knows) and i said well it’s a good thing i share my birthday with my twin so i can focus on celebrating him instead of me

-andddddd that started a whole other topic with my issue of trying to love myself. i voiced how i worry that i will never get there. she said instead of thinking of the big picture, think of it in small ways to love myself. just treating myself with kindness and such. and just continue to let myself grow, that loving myself is a process that won’t happen overnight.

-and at some point of our session we discussed my need to always compare myself to others. and since i feel like that is always talked about idk what to say(lol my bad) but this kind of parted with me telling her that i wanted to do well to make other people proud, to not disappoint. and she said “well what about yourself? what about making yourself proud? that’s the most important thing” and again, it made me realize another part of me that doesn’t put myself first

-my mom wanted me to talk to amy about how i don’t dance in front of her(my mom) and she wants me to let loose. basically amy just said well that will come with time. obvi bc it’s not that big of an issue(her words) but it could benefit me as well!

-one of the last things we talked about was how i make “lists” sometimes but it’s very infrequent and also i feel rushed 24/7, that i will never get anything done BUT ironically, i don’t even do anything!!! i have so much time!!! SO MUCH!!! anyWAYS i said that i would have exact times for my list but then i would worry if i would need more time and then mess my schedule all up etc etc. And that i do better with lists when other people make them for me, as i now have other people’s expectations. i joked that i needed a bootcamp…..she took me seriously. said that she is going to do a “behavioral bootcamp” for me next week😂😂and have stuff for me to do lol. anyways, i’m going to ask my mom what she wants me to do and write it down AS SHE IS TELLING ME!

-idk how we got on the topic but i ended up talking about the past some and brought up the fact that before i used to have freak outs every month my senior year (and prior to that year as well) and my mom would always go “i’m signing you up to see a counselor!!!!!” But i refused and we never followed through(she thought it was amusing) and how when i think about that time, i was very scared about college and leaving high school. and back then if i would imagine life two years from then, i would have imagined like hell, fire and pitchforks. but i’m doing relatively fine now. i’m in college, getting okay grades. mental illness still sucks ass but i’m still here! living! not in hell! and i awkwardly was trying to give myself credit but at the same time not giving myself credit bc i HATE being nice to myself but my therapist was like…….you are doing so many things right now that you couldn’t before. you have been through so many stressful situations. you didn’t think you could make it, but you are still here. Thx amy OH I REMEMBER NOW we got onto this topic because we were talking about how hard it has been these past couple of months because of my fucking mind and how i am constantly questioning and challenging and overthinking!!!! but i am not as reacting outwardly as much as the past(cue me talking about the past)

-oh she also asked me what i have planned the next three-ish days before i go back to school. i said i don’t really want to think about it bc it overwhelms me and i put pressure on myself. but i mentioned homework and how i have an ecology test on monday and im nervous about it. she asked me if i’ve studied and i said…….sort of? and then she asked me HOW i study and i was like….idk (studying and i have a complicated relationship) and i said i look at stuff but i just have these expectations of myself when it comes to studying. like other people take hours out of their day to dedicate themselves to ONE class (at this point she was like kayla!!! those!!! are!!! other!! people!!! you are different from them!) and then i said maybe i should study only like 15-20 minutes a day to take pressure off of myself and she thought it was great idea and that i should do it when i get home and guess what i did BOOM

oh also i said my eating has been eh(wisdom teeth influence) and getting to sleep has been harder bc racing overwhelming thoughts and she was like.....that's when you take an ativan. point of reference 4 me