#english is my first language i just am slightly neurodivergent

[vogelmeister]

omg your tags on the reblog of my post - that's word for word how i feel and i HATE it, things have felt artificial to me since 1989, reputation was better but ever since lover it's felt like that 1000x more idk.. it just sucks but yeah you're not the only one feeling that way :')

THANK YOU! It's really nice to see that someone else has been feeling this way and I really begun to think deeply into why I feel like this. And you're right, it has really been since rep that it has felt... idk, less authentic.

I remember during the red and 1989 era, taylor was doing a lot of shit that actually showed how much she loved us. And by all means, she didn't have to, but it was little things such as the hidden notes in her album lyric books that made me feel a bit more connected to her. Not to mention stuff like swiftmas, the secret sessions and of course t-party all made us feel like one big family and that she was actually thankful for us. She didn't gain anything out of this, it was all "for the fans" and it made being a swiftie loads of fun, especially those hidden messages, which lbr costed nothing to keep doing. (1989 was her last i think)

Nowadays, when she does it, it feels more calculated and less authentic and I get maybe it's a safety thing that she can't do secret sessions and swiftmas etc anymore, but now even when she does things for the fans, it's stuff like releasing loads of versions of the one album so we all buy it (see, the midnight clock), and because we have this relationship we built up with her, we feel we owe our loyalty. It feels like she does these things to show she cares, but she wants our money in return. And believe me, there's other ways you can show it. The wiping of her social media defs slightly killed her authenticity, I think. Even though I understand why she did it, it certainly didnt help her relationship with the fans or it's authenticity. I do believe she still is thankful for us, but I can't help but notice the business aspect creeping in, and I just wish a lot of swifties knew you don't have to buy in to it. She's human, she has flaws, you don't have to always defend her, or buy her merch. It's almost business at this point, and I hate it.

I hate it. And I hate it more because I almost understand why its like this.

[russellsppttemplates]

You have me (Charles Leclerc)

Note: english is not my first language. This is, again, particularly special because this is a topic that I feel huge responsibility writing about and I feel grateful that I'm trusted enough to have it be requested. This is a neurodivergent!reader piece and while I, like I said in the other one I wrote, like to see everything as we are all the same and I hate the idea of labelling, I tried to do this is the most respectful way with help and knowledge that I gathered over the years. These are a few little moments but they are in no way representative of the whole spectrum! And please remember, there are 5 fingers in a hand and they're all different and we need them all, there's no need to spread hatred or mean words to someone just because they're "different" than what is socially expected as the norm 🩶

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm not taking requests, but I am writing some blurbs when I can (usually at nighttime when I can) so if you have any ideas or concepts that can be written in a small amount of sentences and you want to share, feel free to do so!

If things had been going smoothly with Charles, right now they had taken a bad turn. You did not usually get that bothered about people commenting on how you sometimes behaved differently when compared to other people, but when you noticed a few more accounts that supported your boyfriend and his racing team point out how you usually stayed back and did not get involved directly in the celebrations, how all the other drivers had gone to an after party and you and Charles had stayed behind in the hotel and how apparently you had been keeping him from the world, nastier words flying around about you like they weren't directed at a human. Sure, there had been the odd comment here and there but usually people had been very respectful about it, even when it came to people approaching you and Charles on the street during your walks around the city, they respected your space while still being kind and understanding, but it seemed that online they had taken their thumbs to a new level, the posts even so much as going to make fun of things like how you tended to tap your fingers on top of the counter in the Ferrari garage or how you rarely ever took off rhe headphones as the noises around you bothered you a lot. Deciding that it wouldn't do you any good to keep looking at what other people thought about you, you locked your phone when you heard the front door unlock, youe boyfriend coming in as he dropped his training bag in its usual place, "Mon coeur, I'm home! I showered at the gym too, so I don't smell bad. Are you up for a hug?", he said as he crossed the corner and sat next to you on the sofa, already noticing your nervous stance, "is everything alright?", he asked worriedly, "is something bothering you that I can help with?", he finished carefully as he tried not to approach you too much, knowing you liked your personal space if you were feeling particularly sensory overwhelmed, "it's not what you think it is, everything is fine on that", you said simply, "but people online have been really mean. And without any reason for it. It's not my fault", you said as you felt your lip tremble slightly, hearing a sigh on Charles' part, "I also saw it this morning, I was genuinely hoping you wouldn't see it. I never meant to hide it from you", he apologised as he tentatively reached for your hand, your own hesitating before latching into his, "I know you didn't. And I don't want to hide from it either. But it also doesn't make sense as to why they're doing it, because it really isn't nice", you admitted as you seeked for more comfort in the for of running the zipper up and down on your boyfriend's sweatshirt jacket material, your head snuggling into his chest, "I was thinking, with your permission obviously, about posting something. Doesn't need to be very structured but I want to show them that I do not support that whatsoever. I love you so much beyond whatever they are pointing out. All of it is part of you and I am madly in love with every single part of you and will not tolerate this behaviour towards you", he said as he kissed the top of your head, "that'd be good, yes", you admitted, "I love you too, handsome".

.

"I'm going to play some games with the guys, okay?", Charles said as he placed his hand on your shoulder, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as he excused himself from the living room where you stayed in reading your book. You flicked through the pages quite quickly, the plot holding your attention until you decided you wanted to take a bath, the position you had been in from working on your laptop for university making your muscles tense and a bit painful. Grabbing the usual products you use, you carefully let them soak in the water for a bit before it was at the perfect level for you to get inside, your muscles welcoming the warmth while you got the rest of your body submerged, just enjoying the peace and quiet as only the water swooshing around was heard.

Charles had lost yet another battle with George as they raced on the game, "honestly, Charles, will you ever win?", Alex asked as Pierre could only laugh, "I'm trying, I really am", he said as he managed to restart the game, racing eachother like they did on track until he heard a rhythmic noise, almost sounding like a bang, and he was up before the gears fully turned in their head, "I have to go, guys, bye!", he said as he followed the noise, the inkling he had that it came from your shared bathroom proving to be true as he heard you inside, opening the door as he announced his presence, "mon coeur, I'm coming in!", he said as he walked inside, his hand coming to the edge of the bath where your head had been banging on, "Hey, gentle, gentle", he urged you to stop, "all good now?", he said as he grabbed a towell, with his other hand, ready if you wanted to leave, "sorry, got distracted", you mumbled as you looked up at him, "No need to apoligise, just don't want you to hurt your pretty head. Do you want to stay for a bit longer?", he asked, your head shaking no as you accepted his help to get out, your foot tapping on the drain piece so the water would go while you let your boyfriend wrap the towell around your body, kissing your shoulder once he had you in his embrace, "you smell nice", he said as he guided you both back to the bedroom, "it's my new scent, the one I chose with your mother as my birthday gift", you revealed, Pascale being attentive to the scents that you did and didn't like. While you got ready in the bathroom, Charles offered to make dinner, "Ma belle, dinner is on the table", he announced as you got up from the sofa, joining him at the table for your meal, "this is really nice, I like this recipe", you said, "you do? That's great, means I can cook more often for you", he beamed, happy to have made something you liked, "so definitely nothing like the pie I made last week?", earning a giggle from you, "it was okay, Charles, just not my favourite though".

.

While sitting on the hospitality's outside area, you and Charles enjoyed the sunset while he spoke to Carlos and the engineering team about the upcoming race, your thoughts leaving you to distract yourself and you started running your hands through your hair, grabbing a strand and twisting it along your fingers, doing it without minding it much until you felt a knot forming, "here, mon coeur", you heard Charles whisper quietly as he placed your hand on the nape of his neck, your fingers quickly finding the longer hairs in there that he had yet to get cut and running your fingers there, "merci", you whispered as you took the opportunity to look at how his eyes looked even more beautiful against the sunlight that was painting the sky, "I'm here for you, always. You have me.".

[nefkyo]

Guys can I write down some weird things I do and you guys tell me if you relate and then say if you're neurodivergent or not? I'm tryna see something

I hyperfixate on everything that interests me. Not just "fixate", I mean completely dunk my head in and never leave. There is no space for anything else until I say so.

I see the most random detail in my day-to-day life and immediately associating it with OCs/the hyperfixations from point 1/music/stories I've never written...

I make random dramatic pauses while just. Talking normally. Like I just did.

I can only work while listening to music, but also I can't work if there's noise, but also just 3 hours of white noise are fine, but also I want to snap my headphones in half for ruining my life, but also they are the only thing holding me together

I make weird movements with my body, like doing jazz hands but pointing downward when I get very excited but not doing it unless I'm alone

I have a powerful hatred for people who don't pay attention in class and goof around when they're supposed to listen, but also cannot pay attention for more than 5 minutes consecutively

Knowing how to read and write Enderman and Piglin. The fictional languages from Minecraft. I can even vent using them. On paper. OH MY GOD I DID THE PAUSING THING AGAIN

If there's too much noise I have to cover my ears and do absolutely nothing until it goes away, otherwise I will scream.

I act upon random urges to buy things and then forget them after a while. Same happens for food, except I have to eat it because I can't hide it anywhere in my house.

Chew and bite so many things. Just a lot of things. Pens, pencils, necklaces, coins, hoodie strings, paper, plastic, my own nails and cuticles... Wait I think that's called pica

I have slept on the floor more than a person with a bed ever should.

Small objects and trinkets are awesome.

I like science facts but don't know how to explain science at all. Same thing goes for most school subjects I like

I get side tracked fast, even while just talking to myself.

By the way, is it normal to talk to yourself and record the whole thing and then relisten to it even when it's like half an hour long?

I don't say anything when I get hurt, but I make little noises and "aah"s when I almost do.

I have terrible body coordination and reflexes.

If I start talking to someone and get really engaged, I will walk tremendous lengths before I remember we were supposed to stay where we were.

When someone tells me something that happened to them I reply back with a similar experience I had and then feel like I made the conversation about me.

Every accessory I have ever worn in my life, I have basically only worn to fidget with.

I am unnecessarily loud and talk over everything, especially movies.

I don't know what my face looks like on most days. Like I don't register that I'm looking at me when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. In my head I don't look like anything.

I zone out constantly but sometimes I'm not even thinking about anything. I just fixate on a random spot in the room and stand there doing nothing for 10 minutes. Sometimes I'm even doing something, like filling a water bottle on riding on the train, and I just disconnect.

I usually think people can tell when I'm being sarcastic, but they don't. Instead, I just seem to be very funny while trying to be serious.

Did I mention English isn't my first language? Yeah for some reason I can express myself better in my second language than my first. Like, I can talk about so much more stuff, even serious mental health shit and politics.

If there's an object/food that has a slight imperfection, I am going to tear the whole thing to shreds starting from that imperfection. The sticker on a book cover is slightly coming off? I'm tearing it off. Then the whole page. Then the whole book.

I hate change of any kind. Whether it's my entire environment or just what I listen to music with, it will tip me off.

I keep adding shit to this list, which is worrying me greatly.

I have repetitive phrases and words that change every now and then. The word lately has been "like".

I binge eat all the time. Whether it's cookies of slices of ham or baby carrots or literally crumbs of anything, if I come down to the kitchen I'm taking something.

I'm sure there's one I'm forgetting but it's THERE, like I'll find it at some point.

[everypronoun]

First Person Neopronouns / Fpn / 1stp Flag Design

Neopronouns refer to (in general) pronouns that are not typically accepted in the language they're used in. Therefore, first person pronouns that don't follow the expected I/me/my/myself convention can count as neopronouns. Because "first person neopronouns" is a mouthful, I proposed "1stp" (or "1stp neos") to refer to these. 

Why would someone use 1stp neos? A lot of different reasons! I'm trying to observe as many 1stp users as I can, and what I've seen so far: 

Plurality (For example there are various mixes of "we"+"us" that seem to date back a few years) 

Neurodivergence (Example: A single person who uses "we/us" or "it/its" as 1stp pronouns for reasons motivated by symptoms, etc - Long before I entered "MOGAI" circles I was friends with a psychotic singlet who sometimes used we/us for themself because of psychosis)

Part of a typing quirk, which in turn may be because of neurodivergence/being a headmate 

Getting gender euphoria from these, these as a part of gender expression

Or for just simple self expression! 

The concept of first person neopronouns probably can seem very strange at first, or maybe pointless, but I personally find this expansion of the English language very interesting and am excited to see where it goes. The English language is constantly expanded by those who use/speak it, and many words and conventions of speech become recognized in "official" contexts each year. For example, here's words added to Merriam-Webster's dictionary in 2021. Basically, I view 1stp neos as just another evolution of language.

I'm attempting to list 1stp pronouns over here on the Wiki! I made a template for (hopefully) easier understanding of how these work in a sentence, so if these sound absolutely daunting try looking at some of those examples. 

Requests for me to coin new 1stp sets or to make flags for them are now open over here, BTW! Or, of course, you can use this template yourself to make your own flags. This flag layout has been added to my pronoun flag Canva template.

A mettric shitton of text about why I chose these design elements and more talk about first person neopronouns is under the cut.

Order of flags above:

Greyed out template PNG for easy editing | I/me/mine/myself It/it/its/itself | Mew/mew/mews/mewself

Flag: The design for 1stp flags is directly based on the “standard pronoun template” I made a while back. My fellow mods in the Ezgender Discord helped a lot as I worked through it. What I decided on was more stripes to help it be slightly different, and then a rule that the symbol in the middle should be tilted and should be the same color as the two stripes in the middle. My reasoning for that is that it blurs the boundaries between the symbol and the stripes and that represents how someone is combining aesthetics and other aspects of their identity into their pronouns when they use 1stp.

Feel free to download that grey PNG and recolor it/edit as needed!

I/me/mine/myself: The symbol is a simple curved line that vaguely represents the shape of a person. The colors are an inversion of the exipronouns flag by @anicrossic​ but edited to mesh better + a bluegray from the cisprominal flag by @/beyond-mogai-pride-flags but edited lighter! This flag is also the only one that has an exception to that rule about the tilted symbol thing. Since this is essentially the “exipronouns” of first person pronouns, its symbol lays flat, it’s “average” and “plain.”

It/its/itself: Since I think a lot of folks who use “it” as a first person pronoun do that because of elements of dehumanization/seeking that aesthetic, I wanted a symbol that was simple but seemed “wild.” Hence, this little spiky zigzag. The flag colors themselves are edited from this third person it/its flag by @libragender​ !

Full-size flags: ✨Grey template ✨ I/me ✨It/its  ✨ Mew/mews  ✨

✨ Text version of DNI ✨ PATREON ✨ KO-FI ✨ COMMS ✨ DEVIANTART ✨ INSTAGRAM ✨

[evanescentjasmine]

I’m going to talk about a little pet peeve of mine with regard to portrayal of poc in fic, TMA specifically since that’s what I mostly read and write for. 

I suppose I should first start by saying that, of course, poc are not a monolith, and I’m certain there are other poc who have many different views on this issue. And also this post is in no way meant to demonise, shame, or otherwise discourage people from writing poc in fic if they’re doing something differently. This is just a thing I’ve been noodling on for a while and have had several interesting conversations with friends about, and now that I think I’ve figured out why I have this pet peeve, I figured I’d gather my thoughts into a post.

As a result of the fact we have no canonical racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds for our main TMA cast, we’ve ended up with many diverse headcanons, and it’s absolutely lovely to see. I’m all for more diversity and I’m always delighted to see people’s headcanons. 

However, what often happens is I’ll be reading a fic and plodding along in a character’s PoV and get mention of their skin colour. And nothing else. I find this, personally, extremely jarring. In a short one-shot it makes sense, because you’re usually touching on one scenario and then dipping out. Likewise if the fic is in a different setting, is cracky, or is told from someone else’s PoV, that’s all fine. But if I’m reading a serious long-fic close in the poc’s head and...nothing? That’s just bizarre to me.

Your heritage, culture, religion, and background, all of those affect how you view the world, and how the world views you in return. How people treat you, how you carry yourself, what you’re conscious of, all of that shifts. And the weird thing is that many writers are aware of this when it comes to characters being ace or trans or neurodivergent—and I’m genuinely pleased by that, don’t get me wrong. Nothing has made my ace self happier than the casual aceness in TMA fics that often resonates so well with my experience. But just as gender, orientation, and neurodivergence change how a character interacts with their world, so do race, ethnicity, and religion. 

As a child, I spent a couple of years in England while my mother was getting her degree. Though I started using Arabic less and less, my mother still spoke to me almost exclusively in Arabic at home. We still ate romy cheese and molokhia and the right kind of rice, though we missed out on other things. She managed to get an Egyptian channel on TV somehow, which means I still grew up with different cultural touchstones and make pop-culture references that I can’t share with my non-Arabic-speaking friends. She also became friends with just about every Egyptian in her university, so for those years I had a bevy of unrelated Uncles and Aunties from cities all over Egypt, banding together to go on outings or celebrate our holidays.

As an adult who sometimes travels abroad solo, and as a fair-skinned Arab who’s fluent in English, usually in a Western country the most I’ll get is puzzled people trying to parse my accent and convinced someone in my family came from somewhere. When they hear my name, though, that shifts. I get things like surprise, passive-aggressive digs at my home region, weird questions, insistence I don’t look Egyptian (which, what does that even mean?) or the ever-popular, ever-irritating: Oh, your English is so good!

At airports, with my Egyptian passport, it’s less benign. I am very commonly taken aside for extra security, all of which I expect and am prepared for, and which always confuses foreign friends who insisted beforehand that surely they wouldn’t pull me aside. Unspoken is the fact I, y’know, don’t look like what they imagine a terrorist would. But I’m Arab and that’s how it goes, despite my, er, more “Western” leaning presentation. 

This would be an entirely different story if I were hijabi, or had darker skin, or a more pronounced accent. I am aware I’m absolutely awash with privilege. Likewise, it would be different if I had a non-Arab name and passport. 

So it’s slightly baffling to me as to why a Jon who is Pakistani or Indian or Arab and/or Black British would go through life the exact same way a white British character would. 

Now, I understand that race and ethnicity can be very fraught, and that many writers don’t want to step on toes or get things wrong or feel it isn’t their place to explore these things, and certainly I don’t think it’s a person’s place to explore The Struggles of X Background unless they also share said background. I’m not saying a fic should portray racism and microaggressions either (and if they do, please take care and tag them appropriately), but that past experiences of them would affect a character. A fic doesn’t have to be about the Arab Experience With Racism (™) to mention that, say, an Arab Jon headed to the airport in S3 for his world tour would have been very conscious to be as put together as he could, given the circumstances, and have all his things in order. 

And there’s so much more to us besides. What stories did your character grow up with? What language was spoken at home? Do they also speak it? If not, how do they feel about that? What are their comfort foods? Their family traditions? The things they do without thinking? The obscure pop-culture opinions they can’t even begin to explain? (Ask me about the crossover between Egyptian political comedy and cosmic horror sometime…)

I’m not saying you’ll always get it right. Hell, I’m not saying I always get it right either. I’m sure someone can read one of my fics and be like, “nope, this isn’t true to me!” And that’s okay. The important thing, for me, is trying.

Because here’s the thing. 

I want you to imagine reading a fic where I, a born and raised Egyptian, wrote white characters in, say, a suburb in the US as though they shared my personal experiences. It’s a multi-generational household, people of the same gender greet with a kiss on each cheek, lunch is the main meal, adults only move out when they get married, every older person they meet is Auntie or Uncle, every bathroom has a bidet, there’s a backdrop of Muslim assumptions and views of morality, and the characters discuss their Eid plans because, well, everyone celebrates Eid, obviously.

Weird, right? 

So why is this normal the other way around? 

Have you ever stopped to wonder why white (and often, especially American) experiences are considered the default? The universal inoffensive base on which the rest is built? 

Yes, I understand that writers are trying to be inoffensive and respectful of other backgrounds. But actually, I find the usual method of having the only difference be their skin colour or features pretty reductive. We’re more than just a paint job or a sprinkle of flavour to add on top of the default. Many of us have fundamentally different life experiences and ignoring this contributes to that assumption of your experience being universal. 

Yes, fic is supposed to be for fun and maybe you don’t want to have to think about all this, and I get that completely. I have all the respect in the world for writers who tag their TMA fics as an American AU, or who don’t mention anyone’s races. I get it. But when you have characters without a canonical race and you give them one, you’re making a decision, and I want you to think about it. 

Yes, this is a lot of research, but the internet is full of people talking about themselves and their experiences. Read their articles, read their blogs, read their twitter threads, watch their videos, see what they have to say and use it as a jumping-off point. I’m really fond of the Writing With Color blog, so if you’re not sure where to start I’d recommend giving them a look. 

Because writers outside of the Anglosphere already do this research in order to write in most fandoms. Writers of colour already put themselves in your shoes to write white characters. And frankly, given the amount of care that many white writers put into researching Britishisms, I don’t see why this can’t extend to other cultural differences as well.

[wisteria-lodge]

a bird secondary with a *very* unhealthy badger model

i’m pretty sure i’m using both Bird and Badger secondary tools - i just cannot for the life of me figure out which one’s my actual secondary, and which is the model. it doesn’t help that both of them are at least slightly charred. when i was younger, i was surely a Bird secondary, no doubt.

One of the reasons I ask people for childhood stories is I fundamentally don’t believe that sortings ever change. (Maybe that’s the Lion in me talking.) You can build beautiful models that you adore living in, but important aspects of yourself don’t just... fall away. They change, and grow, and level up. 

i’ve always loved collecting knowledge, i store trivia better than many a fandom wiki, i’ve studied things just because they interested me, i’ve once memorised a big portion of the pokedex just for fun… you get the idea.

I’m going with Bird secondary as a hypothesis, but this doesn’t necessarily say bird secondary to me. Bird of some kind, sure. But it could still be a model. 

when academia kicked my butt (hello, undiagnosed adhd), and i realised my natural talents and good memory won’t help me, i think i burnt my Bird. it really hit me very hard.

That can happen. And it’s brutal. But when a secondary burns from over-use, it’s not gone it’s just... tired. 

i’ve started appreciating kindness and hard work, and i wanted to be a person who - wasn’t necessarily the smartest in the room (because i felt that this ship has already sailed.)

There’s a fun word for someone who thinks they’re the smartest person in the room. And that word is “asshole.” :) Seriously, ‘being the smartest person in the room’ isn’t a real thing, and definitely not something to aspire to.

didn’t help that i’ve also acquired a nemesis who was just as smart as me, but an asshole, lmaoo. 

Like I was saying...

But I thought perhaps I could be the kind one. the patient one. the steady one. of course, that didn’t work for me with my adhd at all, lol. i am physically and mentally unable to reach that ideal of stable, patient, consistent, reliable. and it hit my self esteem real hard again. 

There is some sort of POWERFUL Badger secondary influence in your life, making you believe that you need to be that way too. And you don’t. That’s the entire premise of this system. That there are many ways to solve problems, all equally effective and valid. 

after all, not everyone can be smart, and that’s alright - but everyone can be a hard worker, right? it’s not a matter of any innate abilities.

You think the chip that allows you to settle down and focus on doing a non-preferred task in increments over long periods of time is not an innate ability? This is why I hate standardized tests. They test your ability to take a test much more than they test the material. Not everyone *can* sit at a desk in a silent, windowless room and do math problems for four hours. And why on earth should that be that a desirable, rewarded ability? The end goal is not to graduate and start working in a factory like its 1905. 

my bachelor degree’s taken me a year longer than it should have, because i’ve started just… not doing my work. didn’t come to class, didn’t hand in my homework, didn’t contact my professors. did everything at the very last minute, if at all. and i didn’t know why.

It’s because you struggle with executive dysfunction. Because you’re neurodivergent.

i’ve felt terrible about it, because i wanted to be a good student, you know? i wanted to feel like i earned that degree. i passed, because i’m bright and i can extrapolate based on the knowledge i already have, and i have a lot of knowledge in this wonky brain of mine - but it doesn’t feel like i… deserved that pass. 

for instance, we had this class - literature masterpieces of XX century. we were supposed to read one book each week. obviously i didn’t manage, bc despite reading as if my life depended on it in my early years, i lost that ability sometime during my high school years (when depression hit). so the night before, i’ve sat down, read the wikipedia article on every book and every author on the list, read goodreads’ reviews, sparknotes, whatever i could find. sometimes even fragments of the original text. and i passed that (oral) exam, even with this extremely strict professor. and i felt horrible about it, because i didn’t feel i deserved to pass that. i didn’t read those books! i’ve lied to you! i’ve cheated! 

Listen. I’m a teacher, and I am telling you, you deserved that degree. You got the info, you thought about it, you understood. You didn’t trick your strict professor. Your professor did a good job, and allowed you to think and learn and demonstrate your knowledge in a way that worked for you. (Which is what they’re supposed to do.) I love students with ADHD, their brains are fast and non-linear, and yes they skim the reading, but they make connections and take things to new levels and process things in such cool way, and it just makes me feel alive you know? 

I actually have more trouble with the opposite type, the student who obviously did the reading, but didn’t play with it or connect it to anything else they know, so it just kind of sits in their head like a lump, not doing them any good. But they are really good test-takers.

then again - doing things the right way was (and still is) sometimes just simply unaccesible to me.

There is no right way to do things. The right way to do thing is whatever makes you happy and gets the job done. But that’s a hard one to internalize. I still have trouble truly internalizing that one. But I’m getting better. 

the badger secondary, therefore, is not anything that’s actually… useful to me, most of the time, lol. 

You are crushing yourself under the weight of a Badger secondary model.

unless it’s the ~vibes~ of the badger that make professors like me, most of the time - and because of that liking, they’d often turn a blind eye to just how badly i’d fuck up.

I bet your professors like you because you’re an interested, interesting student who brightens up their day. And if they’re turning a blind eye, it’s because they know that people with ADHD struggle with deadlines sometime. And that’s /fine/

i often seem trustworthy and reliable in the beginning, before my executive dysfunction trips me up, and makes me beat myself up for not actually being that.

My thoughts on secondaries and executive dysfunction. 

it’s the bird that helps me still achieve anything these days - the knowledge i still have, and the things i pick up along the way, from friends or twitter or online articles. i can bullshit my way through many things, because i know quite a bit about a wide range of topics.

It is so easy to pick up on true bullshit as a teacher. We *know* when you don’t know what you’re talking about. When you put together interesting statements and arguments on the fly - when you pull something out of your ass - it’s still coming from you. That’s just an alternate way of thinking. Also, everything you have written is SO BIRD.

but actually applying myself - which i feel is both necessary to succeed 

It’s not.

and the right way to do things

There’s no such thing.

 - is just… out of my reach. sorry for the rant, but i’m just so super confused, lmao. if you have any thoughts on this mess, i’d be very grateful. apologies for any mistakes, too - english is not my first language.

English isn’t your first language??? Your English is amazing. You’re a bird secondary, and a pretty brilliant one by the sound of it. And you are torturing yourself because you aren’t living up to an entirely arbitrary Badger secondary ideal.

[slowlyreadinghouseofmirth]

Page 7

In truth, he had never liked her as well as at that moment -> Selden's affections here are plain to see, made so especially by subordinate clause 'in truth' which conveys an honesty and freshness about his feelings. Most importantly, he likes her when she is being her true self, unconventional, and willing to take risk. It's likely informed by his disillusion with high society and finding commonality in someone willing to disregard its etiquette. This is where Lily is unique.

There's also this sense that Selden likes Lily because she is impulsive and this sparks his curiosity to try and understand why she does the things she does-- understand Lily as a person.

He knew she had accepted without afterthought: -> This reaffirms Lily's lack of hesitancy, which alludes to how willing she is to be in Selden's company. It also shows how comfortable she is with him as she is aware of the rumours that could occur but never merits them with being a possibility, showing great trust.

Alternatively, being aware of the risks and having not afterthoughts could suggest that she doesn't fully understand the risks' depth and nuance as in future the situation at Monte Carlo would suggest, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

he could never be a factor in her calculations -> there's a colon that separates this clause from the previous one which suggests this is an explanation for Lily's certainty. To me this would point more towards Lily not really associating the risk of rumours with Selden because she trusts him so much. i.e she does not think of him when she thinks of the risks. But given that they are going up to his apartment it seems strange that Selden would not think himself a factor in her decision. It's therefore possible that he thinks that Lily does not think of him worthy of great consideration.

Also the noun 'calculations' would suggest a lot of thought had gone into the decision where it was previously implied it was one of impulse. This seems like Selden thinks that Lily is playing an intricate game, which further demonstrates his curiosity about her and need to understand her.

there was a surprise, a refreshment almost, in the spontenaity of her consent -> This further contrasts Selden's perception of Lily's 'calculations' and I think the narration is a fine weave between objective reality--where Lily is impulsive-- and Selden's subjective perceptions-- where Lily appears impulsive but there is something more complex informing her decisions. I think this is meant to show that Selden is blinded somewhat by his affections for Lily, seeing things deeper than what are there or what everybody else sees. Alternatively, we as the reader lack Selden's sight into the complexities of Lily and so she is introduced to us as other people see her, which isn't well at all, and we have to learn how Selden sees her. It's a challenge to care for Lily as he does.

The spontaneity invokes a light hearted and refreshing feeling of being in love which mirrors the honest of truth mentioned earlier.

So there's Selden's surprise at Lily being so spontaneous which draws back to a previous point about she is unique for being impulsive almost reckless. It's like we get a sense of her character and her environment from how the two are at odds with each other. Lily is impulsive; noone else of her class should be like that. In a way that makes her free from the system and yet shows her struggle against it but ultimately her struggle will be more defining.

She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table -> I assume that this is a reference to future letters although I don't know if they would be the same ones. If they were, I don't even have the mental capacity to unpack that. Just the thought that Lily's fall is inevitable, that even when she is happy, having a nice time, an unknown omen lurks within the same room that will bring her sorrow... oh its symbolic, for sure. But I don't want to think about it.

Lily sank into one of the shabby leather chairs -> the verb 'sank' shows how at home Lily really is with this kind of surroundings, how the shabby whilst not fashionable or expensive, is comfortable. From this we and the the pile of letters we get an image of a a slightly disorderly but well-lived in home. This is one of the tragedies where we see the possibility of what her future with Selden could look like where it is unconventional but Lily is comfortable at home even with it.

"How delicious to have a place like this all to oneself! What a miserable thing it is to be a woman," -> I love Lily's exaggerated turns of phrases like 'delicious' and the exclamations; I think Wharton's emphasis on these exaggerations is to capture Lily's innocence through her speech by making it similar to that of a child who is easily excitable.

Again with the exaggeration but this time with 'miserable', we get the sense that Lily has found the world difficult as a woman to live in but miserable seems too strong of a word, certainly at this stage in the book and is sort of hidden within her other hyperbolised expressions. Maybe this creates a kind of cry-wolf situation where, when Lily properly starts to struggle, people don't take notice not only because it wasn't the done thing to do to talk about struggles but also because of her melodramatic personality, everyone thought the same stuff was happening as it had before and Lily was making a big fuss over nothing.

There is repetition of 'miserable' in association to being of female sex further down the page which is another example of Lily's melodrama. But at this point we as a modern audience start to question if she is actually alright (or at least I did). I'm not sure if a contempary audience if the time would have given the strict taboo over discussing any kind of struggle financial/physical health etc. let alone the discussion of mental health. From the impression I get of the time, the only real source of outlet for people struggling with mental health beyond self medication was art, which makes me wonder as to the position Wharton is writing this from.

she leaned back in a luxury of discontent -> The juxtaposition of 'luxury' and 'discontent' raises an important theme that wealth does not equate happiness and that Lily is not happy as a socialite but happy in the company of Selden, and that actually money is the source of Lily's unhappiness. In this specific context, she is lamenting her lack of freedom to live the lifestyle that Selden does.

"Even women," he said "Have been know to enjoy the privaledges of a flat." -> Putting the discourse marker directly after the subject of 'women' breaks it apart from the rest of the sentence and emphasises the extraordinariness of women being able to live independently. But it also raises the possibility of it and suggests that Selden thinks Lily is extraordinary and unconventional enough to achieve the possibility if she chose to.

"Oh governesses– or widows. But not girls– not poor, miserable, marriageable girls!" -> Again we have the breakdown of womanhood into distinct classes like governess, widows, and girls,which creates the idea that there's no intersections between any of them and is a reflection of of societies fixation for categorisation which loses sight the complexity of situations and problems. And it also makes it easier to place social stigmas like those on governesses and widows. Those stigmas are made apparent here but in contrast to how Lily describes girls, being a governess or a widow seems desirable.

In the list of adjectives 'poor, miserable, marriageable', marriageable is equated to these other adjectives and we see that Lily associates marriage with a poverty of kind, of the heart.

It's also interesting that Lily talks about herself as a girl where Selden speaks of her as a woman. Lily plays up her innocence as she has probably been taught to to make desirable marital match, but with that Lily carries around an air of immaturity and naïvity; she's still very child-like. Perhaps that's a part of her that's trying to cling to her youth so she doesn't have to face her future where she will need to marry to survive. Lily sees her adulthood as a constraint on her and her desires whereas Selden sees her potential.

"you mean Gerty Farish," she smiled a little unkindly. "But I said marriageable–" -> Okay so definitely a little tone deaf on Lily's part buts she's honest to a fault and her honesty is refreshing and entertaining.

I'm no expect on autism and don't claim to be but there's something about Lily's mannerisms here that reminds me of people who I know and am very close with who are autistic. And it makes me wonder if Lily was autistic and neurodivergence was recognised in her time if her fate would have been any different.

"Her cook does the washing and her food tastes if soup. I should hate that you know." -> I just love the imagery of the first sentence, it strikes my funnybone. I guess it also illustrates that Lily's privileged upbringing if she thinks this is a bad situation to live in.

Okay I'm going to bring in a bit of a technical term to describe the verb 'should'. So it's a modal verb (expressing possibility based on context) but specifically a deontic modal verbal, meaning that Lily's hate depends on social rules. When she says she should hate it it implies that society wants her to hate it but she wouldn't necessarily hate it. That's what that verb phrase implies in today's english, but language has changed since the time it was written so it may not have been written with this meaning, especially as a signifier of an older text is the use of modal verbs in places we wouldn't today and a lot more of them.

The shift from Selden's reflections to the quick dialogue and short simple sentences of action creates a lively and charged atmosphere that feels almost flirtatious in its rhythm but by the nature of the content is more domestic (preparing afternoon tea). The balanced turn taking feels comfortable in that they both have equal power in the conversation, being allowed to say what they want to and being listened to. It goes towards simulating what a possible future could be and also shows how happy they are in this moment.

[dino-nugget7]

A Manifesto Against The School System

As of writing this I am a second year Public High School Teacher. I won’t be able to live with myself if I spend another year at it. Literally, I feel like a bit of a monster for deciding to finish out this school year rather than quitting right now. But we do what we must to survive, my students won’t be less oppressed because I left, and if nothing else, it gives me an opportunity to strategize about what I can do to aid in revolutionizing school because authentic alternatives to public school exist but none I have found have been intersectional enough to replace public education without excluding the kids who would most benefit from escaping the main school system here in America.

Some of the reasons I did not understand how oppressive school actually is, are that my interests and hobbies happened to align very neatly with the “core” classes, and that even though I grew up very poor and moved around a lot as a kid, we eventually settled and I went to a well funded high school that had just about any elective and/or after school club that I might be interested in trying and then some. During that time, I came to see school as a place where I could explore my passions and escape my home situation. So I figured I would love to pay it forward and go be a teacher.

I recognized at least, the privileged position I came from and decided I wanted to go learn how to teach in settings as different from my high school as possible. Which is why I went and got special permission for most of my classroom placements throughout the teaching program to be at alternative schools. In Colorado at least, alternative schools are small public schools which primarily serve students identified as “at risk”, which is shorthand for “Statistically more likely to drop out than the general population for one reason or another.”

I did not know when I asked to be placed in one, but learned within days of being there that most people that even know alternative schools exist, think of them as the places where “the bad kids” go. I realized very quickly that they are actually places filled with kids who have experienced a lot of trauma in and out of school and don’t respond to that trauma the way adults want them to respond. I came to adore kids at alternative schools because they remind me of my younger siblings.

Like my oldest brother, many of them find school mind numbingly easy and boring and have much more pressing matters to devote their mental energy to.

Like my middle brother, many of them have spent so much time around teachers who do not understand neurodivergence that have been convinced of the lie that they are weird, dumb and/or lazy and because of that, trying to participate in school is like hitting their head on a brick wall.

Like all of my brothers and my sisters, they have a ton of skills that they are brilliant at, but that are not prioritized by the school system, so they never pursue them, such as construction, music, makeup and programming.

Many, if not most of them come from living situations full of abuse and neglect and/or poverty so they don’t have the mental or emotional space to worry about much beyond survival, and not only haven’t learned how to make and achieve long term goals, but have never had the luxury of a stable enough environment for that kind of planning to be worthwhile.

All that being said, something that you only realize if you actually work in a few public alternative schools, as I have done through college and my current job, is that the name is actually an oxymoron.

What started me down the path of considering and researching all the ways school is an oppressive system, was a conversation I had with a student in my first year teaching. He was learning about chemical reactions and safety and asked me the infamous question, “Why do I have to learn about this?” to which I said “Because everything is chemicals and understanding how they can interact with one another and ways they can harm you can keep you safe when you do things like clean or cook.” To which he replied, “Well no offense but I have no idea how this shit relates to cooking and please don’t tell me because its not like I’m actually going to remember it when I am cooking, and I already know how to clean safely because of work. But you’re still going to make me learn this boring shit anyways so seriously, why do we have to learn about this?”

I paused to consider what he was asking. I had interpreted, as the system trained me to, that the question he was asking was, “what value does this knowledge hold?” But what he actually meant was “Why are you making me waste my time learning about this thing that I never asked to learn about?” So I replied, as a sort of test of my new understanding, “It’s part of the physical science curriculum the Education Department thinks is important for high schoolers to learn.” He was taken aback, “Wait, you don’t decide what stuff we learn about? What’s even the point of teachers then? Why don’t they just give us a list of all their stupid stuff they think we should know so we can get on with our lives?” He had a point and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on and growing from that conversation.

Sure, there are some key differences that make alternative schools slightly more tolerable than your standard 800-4,000 kid high school. Class sizes are smaller so students get more individualized help. We get funding to help students access things such as food, clothes, hygiene products, and healthcare and know students well enough that we actually know which kids are lacking these resources. We have slightly more leeway than traditional schools to create innovative lessons. We don’t give out homework.

But public alternative schools are still oppressive in most of the ways that the big schools are. I’m sure none of this will be a surprise to most readers, but I want you to really consider how restricted kids in public school are, how restricted you probably were in school as you read through this.

School starts early in the morning and students have to constantly shift mental gears throughout the day due to a tight schedule of constantly rotating classes and a very short lunch break. Throughout the day, bells tell students when they can’t or must move around or eat. Students have to ask when they need to go to the bathroom or get water and teachers cannot go at all outside of their plan period because students are not trusted to be in the classroom without an adult even for a few minutes. They have no control over who they share space with and very little control over their ability to leave that space if it conflicts with their needs. There is a strict dress code which disproportionately targets marginalized students. Students are expected to be sociable but not given nearly enough opportunities to actually socialize. The school keeps records of everything the student has ever gotten in trouble for, every class the student has taken, every grade they have received, their “class rank,” and every intervention program the student is part of. And like every public school, alternative schools must follow state curriculum standards and by extension, grading, data collection, and required testing. On the surface it might not seem like it, but that last point is actually the most insidious one and its the one that has followed students into remote learning during the pandemic.

According to the people who decide how schools work, there are four factors of student choice: These factors are Time, Place, Pace, and Path. For example, if I am running a unit on plate tectonics, rather than giving students a worksheet and telling them to work on it as we go through a slideshow and turn it in at the end of class, I could put them in groups, give them an online choice board of three different but roughly equivalent projects relating to plate tectonics to choose from, each with different rubrics for completion and tell them they can turn it in at any time in the next two weeks. And then instead of devoting class time to direct instruction, I would give them a variety of resources to peruse and teach them how to research more and let them choose what aspects of plate tectonics to focus on and how to present their information. Now, this is certainly a few steps in the right direction away from making kids sit in rows and listen to the teacher drone on about plate tectonics while they take notes. But it misses the most important factors of choice in my eyes, the things that I would be fired for if I actually gave them the choice about: How students spend their time and what they are allowed to prioritze.

None of this is to say that expecting kids to learn is inherently fucked up or that teaching inherently makes one an oppressive person. On the contrary, authentic teaching and learning are vital to our ability to solve our problems and grow as people. If all students were given the opportunities to spend their childhoods learning things that they were actually interested in, to explore the full breadth of knowledge that humans have compiled at their leisure without timelines or milestones except the ones they set for themselves, to socialize with people of all ages, to authentically participate in society both as learners and as educators, as leaders and as team members, the world wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be a lot less soul crushing.

Now, I mentioned at the beginning of this piece that authentic alternatives do exist.  To get you started on researching what’s out there, I recommend starting with Sudbury schools and the unschooling movement.

But unless these models somehow miraculously become a large and accepted enough presence to get government funding, or money ceases its hold on us all, the public school system will be the only one that most students, especially impoverished students, transient students, english language learners, and disabled students (especially those with profound disabilities) will have access to. Which is a damn shame and a problem I am committed to trying to figure out how to contribute to solving because those are the students whose lives would be most radically transformed for the better if they got the opportunities that these models provide.