#episode coda: second contact

[loulou-land]

8x10 coda

bucktommy fix-it (sort of), emotional hurt/comfort, hopeful ending | cw: angst, dissociation, mild descriptions of a panic attack | 1.5k words

(Buck’s face at the end of that episode got me in the feels and I had to get these words out of me. Thank you @fuselsstuff for making me feel better about my writing and my endings 😘❤️)

As Buck watches Eddie drive away, something inside him crumbles, another piece lost to the wreckage that has come to be his life. He stands frozen in front of what used to be Eddie’s house—his house now, technically—but the words don't sit right. 

His house.

They feel foreign, misplaced. Like a title handed to someone else by mistake. He knows he chose it, knows the reason why he did it, yet what seemed like a good idea at first now feels like a crushing weight around his shoulders. 

He doesn’t know how long he stands there. Staring at nothing. His head filled with static noise. All feeling draining out of him, until emptiness is all that surrounds him. Distantly he’s aware of his clothes progressively getting soaked as the gentle drizzle grows into a steady downpour. But he can’t seem to make himself move, staying rooted to the spot. 

Eventually, however, the cold seeps so deep into his bones that it forces him into movement. Buck turns, steps inside and shuts the door behind him. And is promptly at a loss. He feels like he took a wrong turn somewhere and forgot where home was. It’s a disconcerting feeling. 

Buck makes his way to the bathroom, peels his wet clothes off and steps into the shower, turning the heat up as high as it’ll go. It skalds his skin, but even then, he’s still cold. It’s like it’s burrowed deep inside and refuses to let go. He pulls on a hoodie, refusing to think about whose it is and why he picked that particular one. 

By the time he stumbles into bed, his limbs feel heavy, weighted down by something vast and shapeless. His mind is scarily blank. Whatever thoughts flicker into his mind are gone too fast to take hold of. Maddie almost died. Eddie’s gone. And, why won’t they listen to me? Why can’t they see I’m drowning? Everyone has something, someone. And what do I have? What am I left with? 

Nothing. It’s always nothing.

I am nothing. 

For once, the thought doesn’t hurt. It barely registers at all. It’s just a fact—objective and empty. He notes the detachment like he’s reading about someone else’s life. It should scare him, but he doesn’t feel much of anything right now. I don’t like this, Buck thinks distantly, I don’t like this at all. 

He sees his hands move as though from far away, outside his body. His fingers close around his phone. It takes a few seconds for his eyes to focus, to process the screen in front of him. He scrolls through his contacts, searching for Dr. Copeland. That’s who he meant to call. That was the hazy plan he’d formed in his head. 

But somehow, Tommy’s name is the one he presses. 

The phone rings. One. Two. Three times. 

The sound should make his heart pound with anxiety. Instead, he finds himself being soothed by the repetitive sound. His mind latches onto the rhythm, following it like a thread in the dark. The longer it rings, he starts to fill each pause with a thought. Of course. He won’t pick up. You don’t matter to anyone. He didn’t want you. 

And then—

“Evan?” 

A pause, a quiet breath. Then softer, “you okay?” 

It shatters something in Buck. The numbness that had settled in him disappears. The concern, the familiarity, the way Tommy has never been anything but honest with him—hearing it now, when everything else has started unraveling In him, it’s too much. 

His breath is knocked out of his chest. His throat closes up. He feels a tingling in his hands as his heart rate picks up. He wants to speak, to explain, to say something, but all that makes it out is a choked, heart-wrenching sob that feels like it’s been ripped right out of him. 

“Sweetheart,” Tommy says, instantly alert. “Evan. Talk to me. What’s wrong? Where are you?” 

Buck tries to breathe, tries to push the words out, but they’re trapped behind his lips. He can’t speak and that drags him deeper into desperation. He clutches his shirt, as though if he grips it tightly enough, he’ll be able to keep himself together and he’ll remember how to use his words again.

His whole body shakes with the force of it, and it’s humiliating, it’s embarrassing, it’s—

“Okay, okay. I’m on my way,” Tommy says, voice steady but urgent beneath it. Buck hears the sound of an engine turning on, the rush of movement on the other end. “Just breathe for me, baby.” 

“Eddie’s,” Buck finally manages to croak out. 

“What?” Tommy asks, slightly distracted. Buck hears car horns and the shift of gears. 

“I’m at Eddie’s.” 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The words come quick, sure, no hesitation. 

And Buck appreciates that Tommy doesn’t ask any more questions. He just keeps talking, filling the silence with warmth. You’re okay. I’m here. Breathe for me, sweetheart. Just like that. You’re doing good. You’re so good. Just hold on, I’m almost there.  

Buck clings to every word like a lifeline, tucks them inside himself. He tries to believe them. After all, Tommy doesn’t lie to him. 

His sobbing has slowed, but now something worse is creeping in—the weight of reality pressing back down. He called Tommy. He’s on the phone with him right now. He’s crying like a fucking baby. 

“I’m sorry.” Buck rasps, voice raw. “I—I shouldn’t have called you. Shit. I’m sorry.” 

“Evan.” Tommy says his name like it’s a prayer, like it’s something precious. Like it means more than Buck ever let himself believe. Like it means love. 

Buck inhales sharply, stomach twisting in knots. He’d missed that. God, he’d missed hearing his name spilling from Tommy’s mouth. 

Tommy’s voice softens. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. It’s okay. Whatever it is…I’m here for you.” 

He can’t accept that. “No—no, I…you were probably busy.” Buck’s voice cracks. “I didn’t mean to pull you away from anything important.” 

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Tommy says, simple and reassuring. Then, quieter, “And, even if I was…I’d still come.” 

Buck should feel comforted. Instead, it makes something ugly rise in his chest. A sick, gnawing pit of self-hatred. Sharp and precise. 

Why does he always do this? Always need too much? He feels everything so loudly, and then drags people into the mess of him, makes them carry it when they shouldn’t have to. 

He lets out a dry, broken laugh. “There I go again,” he mutters, bitter. “Bucking it up. Making it all about me.”

Tommy exhales roughly through the line. And then, firm but gentle, “Evan. I don’t know what’s going on, but it's okay to feel things. And you’re more than allowed to be upset and want to talk about it. It’s okay to need people.”  

Buck closes his eyes. His whole body hurts. He wants to argue. He wants to tell Tommy he’s wrong. That everyone else thinks he’s too much. That Buck’s needs  are a burden. 

But before he can—

“I’m here. Can you open the door for me, sweetheart? 

Buck manages to drag himself out of bed and down the hall. His breath hitches once he reaches the front door, hands trembling slightly, his mind still caught between panic and exhaustion. 

He opens the door. 

And there’s Tommy. 

Standing on the other side, rain-damp and breathless. There’s concern written into every tense line of his body. His shoulders are squared, his jaw set, like he’s ready to take on every single one of Buck’s battles without hesitation. 

Buck swallows hard. “Tommy.” 

So much weight in a name, in a single word. 

Tommy doesn’t say anything. He just opens his arms. 

And Buck simply falls into them. No second-guessing or uncertainty. He clings to Tommy like he’s a safe haven, fists gripping at the fabric of his hoodie, pressing in close until there’s no space left between them. And still, Buck wishes he could crawl inside Tommy, just to be even closer. His mind quiets, the storm inside him calms into a single thought, repeated over and over again. 

Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. 

He breaths him in, the familiar scent anchoring him. Slowly, he matches his breathing to Tommy’s. And, in that moment Buck is entirely convinced their hearts are beating in sync. As one. 

Tommy holds him just as tightly, one hand cradling the back of his head, the other cradled protectively against his spine. He starts to run soothing circles up and down Buck’s back, murmuring lowly in his ear. 

“Shh, I got you. I’m here.” 

Then, gently, hesitantly, Tommy presses a kiss to the side of Buck’s head. Soft. Careful. Like he’s afraid he’s not allowed to touch Buck like that, but still feels compelled to, needs to do it. 

Buck lets out a shaky sigh, melting further into his arms. 

He knows eventually they’ll have to talk. About the break up, about them. About what had set Buck off.

He’ll have to untangle the mess inside him, sort through everything he’s buried deep. There will be therapy. There will be hard conversations. 

But not right now. 

Right now, he lets himself believe Tommy—that he’s here, that he means it—and decides to go from there. 

“Can I come in?” 

“Will you stay?” 

They speak at the same time. 

And then—

Yes. 

For the first time that day, Buck feels a genuine smile break across his face. 

It won’t be easy.

But he thinks that maybe—just maybe— things will be okay. 

[theghostofashton]

I would love to hear more about the 5x09 coda! One of my favorite episodes and I loved your first coda for it 💛

hi anon! this is so sweet, thank you 💛

so this second coda is primarily going to be about carlos telling andrea that it was bridges who murdered gabriel. i doubt we would've ever gotten that in canon but i was desperately missing some mention of andrea and how everything had impacted her, and i've wanted to write it ever since. i'm also adding in a conversation between tk and carlos, there's some stuff i want to get into from 5x08/5x09 and canon has conveniently left me an opening with the time jump from carlos being in the hospital to the scene at gabriel's grave. mostly just trying to figure out how to tie both together and wrap things up with this, so here's a snippet:

It isn’t until he’s been in the hospital for a couple hours, that it dawns on Carlos that he has to explain all of this to his mom.  Nestor and Campbell and Bridges, how close he’d been for months, spinning in circles and thinking he’d reached a dead end, and how one lead had changed everything. Thrown everything he thought he knew into question, everyone he thought he could trust. When he was so sure that it was the Rangers last year, he never could have imagined that the very one who spoke at his father’s funeral, who consoled his family through the worst moments of their lives, would be the one responsible for all of their pain. The realization sends a cold sweat washing over him, fading all the sound in the room to a low buzz. He doesn’t realize how tense he is until TK’s worried voice breaks through the fog, has him coming back up to the surface as his husband moves gentle hands from his abdomen to cup his cheeks and look him in the eye.  “I’m okay,” he whispers. TK doesn’t seem like he believes him. “Baby,” TK murmurs. He looks so concerned, that same terror in his eyes Carlos has seen since they made eye contact a few hours ago. Carlos woke up to a very familiar feeling, a very familiar hand in his own, and it almost felt right, TK so close, until the events of the past couple of days came flooding back.

[trombonechurchill]

Tag Game: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six

Rules: Give us the links to your fics with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the fewest words.

tagged by @gothwizardmagic thanky I feel like I can actually do this now that I have a few properly finished fics on my account oop

One - The Most Hits

Watching the Credits [9-1-1 - 8,859 Hits] my beloved, my longest and only chapter fic to date so not surprising it's the most hits haha esp since I took like 5 months to write it

Two - Second Most Kudos

Contact [9-1-1 - 362 Kudos] For a while there this was my most popular fic for some reason ahaha. Honestly still shocked this fic got nearly as much attention as it does considering I wrote it like in like 20 minutes mostly as a joke but I'm glad people enjoy it 🥰

Three - Third Most Comments

Quiet Light [9-1-1 - 36 comments] The power of episode codas means we all have a lot of feelings to cry about in the comments 🤝

Four - Fourth Most Bookmarks

To Show I'm Thinking of You [9-1-1 - 38 Bookmarks] I'm still really pleased people liked this one, I still love the concept of it

Five - Fifth Most Words

Cutting Out the Middleman [9-1-1 - 1,154 words] My impatient ass loves to post my lil short fics but yay rarepairs yay femslash

Fic with the Fewest Words

Conversations [9-1-1 - 410 Words] Ahh, my first ever 9-1-1 fic! I still think about expanding this into a "proper" fic but I kinda love it how it is so we'll see.

Leaving this an open tag if you read this 😘. Pretty sure everyone I know already did this awhile ago but here's your chance to do it again or get in on it if you missed out. Plug. Those. Fics.

[mceproductions]

MCE Best of 2023: Honorable Mention

TV Shows: Star Trek Lower Decks and Strange New Worlds (Paramount+)

On the TV Side of things we come back to Star Trek.

With the growing pains of Discovery the second season of that show would bring in Christopher Pike and Spock to assist the crew.

Proving popular the spinoff would begin to explore the period right when the prime directive became prevalent with the early adventures of the original USS Enterprise.

Along with intended first officer Una Chin Riley and nurse Christine Chapel the homages to the original explorers and their own adventures were prevalent.

With the Musical episode being chief among them.

And a finale that sets up the Gorn as the overreaching character that will likely carry through the series.

The 8th episode is where this entry comes into play as on the animated spectrum we get a more comedic take.

Lower Decks focuses on the supporting crew of a second contact ship named Cerritos.

Beckett Mariner has lived in the shadow of Starfleet, and her intention of staying down at the bottom of the rung clashes with her best friends, Brad Boimler, D’Vana Tendi, and Sam Rutherford.

Only the crew led by her mother Captain Carol Freeman and First Officer Jack Ransom still see the value of grunt work to give these ensigns.

The fun is had here with cameos and callbacks aplenty.

Our shows would end up crossing via a portal that Boimler activated sending him 120 years back in time. As Pike and company ponder the future he knows but is specifically told not to mention Mariner ends up joining him as both Jack Quaid and Tawny Newsome manage to take their animated counterparts and blend them well into live action.

Also comes with nice Coda at the end showing a possible reason into the mindset of the lower deckers.

Both shows mange to evoke what was insightful about Star Trek for many.

While Picard righted a ship, both Strange New Worlds in the past and Lower Decks in between managed to show off all the possibilities that still could be found.

And boy does it work.

Moopsy.

SUM 22: Led by a crossover both of these Star Treks mange to bring some levity back into boldly going where none went before.

[therealaves-blog1]

I want the void to see my takes on Star Trek: Coda

They vaporize the site from orbit and the attack stops. Everyone counts their dead and Chen a friend of Taurik morns him but realizes he might have left some knowledge in her brain when they accidentally pseudo melded earlier.

The Aventine arrives with the DTI B team from Watching the Clock while Tom Paris and Belanna Torres back on Earth meet with the head of the DTI and big wig admiral (apparently a prior adventure had them remember Year of Hell, which is cool) so they can give time advice.

Dax and co beam over and everyone interrogates the prisoner whose in some kind of insane transporter prison thing due to being a time ghost. He confirms hes Devidian and is basically puppeting the time ghost body around. They find out theyre trying to kill anyone who can interfere, like Wes, but seem to imply the various god beings are sitting this one out to see how it lands. Wes confirms this as the orgainians, among others he tried to contact are gone. the time ghost mocks him, implying they’ve killed all the other travelers which upsets Wes. They get to admit that the intentional diverging of timelines and subsequent destruction is a stress test for their big idea. The time ghost disconnects and basically dies. But Wes manages to get an idea of where they might be hiding. In sickbay Picard and Beverly worry about whether Rene can be returned to his correct age and list off two separate episodes where that shit happened. Rene is apparently mumbling in his sleep. Wonder if that will become relevant later.

Wes, Picard, Chen, the DTI, and others hop on over to the Aventine where the more cool and based ship’s better tech can be used to time travel. Which they then do to that planet Picard and Wes saw, but this time to some few thousand years in their relative future. Whole section has a vibe of ‘Picard’s in charge here’ which sucks cause this is Dax’s ship and crew. Show some damn respect old man. Planets lit up with time bullshit and they go down in a shuttle finding some crystal bullshit. They go inside and its like a hub for access to different timelines and shit and is one of many installations networked together. Theyre attacked and start trying to hold them off while Wes does space magic to connect to it.

The Aventine is also attacked but because they are better than the Enterprise they hold them off more effectively. Theres a breach and attacks continue but they buy enough time to let engineering do a energy wave that kills everything. on the surface a ton of people die before another ghost shows up and is talking mad shit before it gets 86d by the security detail. Chen is injured and starts old aging, one of the DTI and most of the security team are killed before Wes finishes and they get beamed back up.

We skip ahead to their return to the Enterprise to learn that the end of the chapter where Dax was under attack? that oh yeah that was her fucking dying. We learn this from her sad second in command (now acting Captain) Sam Bowers, as he talks with Picard about how sad it is that Dax is dead. Host and worm.

BOOOOOOOOO, fuck this, how dare. Ezri deserved better, cant believe they’re just trash canning her before she even got to talk HER GOOD FRIEND WORF OR CAPTAIN SISKO OR KIRA. OR EVEN FUCKEN BASHIR. HOW DARE SIR HOW DARE. 

I’m okay, im normal about Star Trek and can be trusted with material. Worf has another weird dream about fighting in the Ent D with the time ghosts and watching a security officer die. Hes weirded out but feels its important somehow and opts to discover it on his own. Its clearly Riker’s D that got got (teehee). Worf you have been through so much cosmic bullshit, I feel like not bringing this up straight away is a failure on your part. Your cool commanding officer (Sisko) straight up had religious visions and you were happy to engage with them. Now is not the time to revert to pre DS9 neuroses Worf.

Wes goes over the data and is like ‘Good news, we know what they’re up to. Bad news, oh fucking shit fucking good god no.’ So they’ve built a ton of those hubs across time space and different realities time and space. and they use them to funnel energy back to the main nucleus thing. They started with going into busted up timelines that were already near their end and triggering natural decay but this has expanded to higher and higher branch points along the timelines. with places that have natural time anomalies being inherently less stable. Wes muses whether this means that their branch can even be saved or if he’s done this many times on lower branches and this is just the furthest any version has gotten. Everyone is bummed out and they head for Earth to meet up with ol Bill Riker. End of book.

WORF DOESNT EVEN GET A REACTION TO EZRI’S DEATH. THAT IS BOTH HIS CLOSE FRIEND AND THE CONTAINER OF HIS LATE WIFE MEMORIES. HOW IS THERE NOT LIKE EVEN A MOMENT FOR HIM TO MOURN AND RAGE. BOOO. BOOO I SAY. BAD DEATH. EZRI DESERVED BETTER.

Next time, book 2, which opens with Sisko so Im already back in.

[marjansmarwani]

3x09 Coda - Marjan

1.2k || ao3

Marjan deserved a coda after all that, so here it is.

I believe in always giving credit where credit is due, so it’s necessary to tell you that a good portion of the thoughts from this came from @justaswampdemon​ as we were debriefing after the episode across timezones when I should have definitely been asleep. Thanks Liddy!

-----

For the third time in two days, Marjan found herself crying in her car. 

It had been one hit after the other. Hearing the doctor start a timer on her best friend’s life had been the first. That fear, which had been wrapped in frustration and despair by Paul refusing to do anything but accept it, had been the second. 

Now, this. 

The adrenaline of finding her friend unresponsive on his floor had long since faded. She had left it somewhere in the waiting room as she sat alone, waiting for updates. She had told the others what had happened but had asked them not to come in the way they usually did. He’s going to need some time to process, she had said. Maybe it would be better if it were just me when he wakes up. 

She had sat there alone for hours, waiting and praying. She had talked to the doctor, done her best to follow all the technical updates so she could answer all of Paul’s questions later on. She had been alone in her relief with no one to steady her as she had fallen back into her seat with shaking legs, and that was okay. She had done it all because Paul was her best friend and she would do anything for him, and she would do it again. 

But then he had hurled awful, hurtful words at her and had sent her away; so here she was, again. 

She wiped furiously at her eyes and forced herself to take a deep breath. Logically she knew this had nothing to do with her.  She knew Paul was upset and felt blindsided. She knew that he was just lashing out and that she happened to be the closest target. She understood all that because she knew him. 

That didn’t make it sting any less. 

She pulled her phone from her pocket and stared at it, unsure what to do. Normally she would call Paul, her ride or die. Normally he would be there for her, a shoulder to cry on or a willing ear for a colorful rant. But this time she couldn’t, for so many reasons. But she couldn’t shoulder this alone, so she pulled up her contacts and hit a different number. 

The sound of the call connecting filled her car until a familiar voice answered, the cheerful tone standing out amongst her misery, “Hey Marj, how’s Paul doing?” 

“He’s awake,” she managed to get out, but not before another sob ripped its way through her defenses. When Nancy responded her voice was different too, now dripping in concern. 

“Marj, what’s wrong? Is Paul…” 

All the background noise that had filled the call before had stopped as Nancy spoke and Marjan forced herself to swallow her tears. 

“He’s awake and he’s going to be fine,” she repeated because physically, he would. The rest of it would take time but he would get there. It would all be fine, eventually. 

“Are you?” 

The question was asked bluntly and after a moment of consideration she gave the only answer she could, “No.” 

There were more voices in the background before Nancy spoke again, voice gentle “I’m at TK and Carlos’s place right now. I can come get you or—” 

“I can make it there,” she assured her, cutting off any argument to the contrary. She could do that, at least. “I’ll be there in about 10, if that’s okay.” 

“Of course it is,” Nancy replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?” 

“No,” Marjan assured her, “I’ll be fine, see you in a bit.” 

She ended the call, furiously wiped at her eyes, and sighed. She didn’t know what she was going to say to them when she got there. There was so much of this that felt like it should be kept personal, private between just her and Paul. But she couldn’t carry the brunt of this on her own. If she tried she would crumble, and that wouldn’t help anyone. So she started her car and headed towards downtown, to her friends’ loft. She parked and let herself into the building, taking a deep breath as she rode the elevator up to their floor. She hesitated as she reached their door but she had made it this far, there was no point in turning back now. So she raised her hand and knocked, only to have the door opened by a worried TK not even a moment later. 

She didn’t even have time to say anything before she was being pulled into a hug and she let herself sink into the familiar embrace, blinking against the tears that threatened to rise again. She let herself be held for several moments, not making any move to break the embrace before TK did, stepping back and running his worried gaze over her. Nancy appeared at his side as Carlos stepped behind her, pulling the door shut and enclosing them in this safe space. 

“Hey guys,” she said lamely, “I’m sorry for crashing.” 

Nancy rolled her eyes, “Please, don’t even start.” 

“It’s no bother at all,” Carlos assured her squeezing her arm gently as he passed, heading back to the kitchen where she could smell something delicious cooking. 

“Something smells good,” she noted, desperate for something to say to distract them all from looking at her like that. 

“Carbonara,” TK explained, gesturing for her to take a seat. 

“With turkey bacon, Carlos added from the kitchen as he switched off the burner and began to transfer the pasta to a serving bowl. 

Marjan felt her eyes water again at the simple gesture and felt a hand on top of her own. She looked over to find Nancy watching her, a soft smile on her lips and eyes still full of concern. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently, and Marjan shook her head. 

“Not just yet,” she replied as Carlos and TK approached the table with the pasta, a salad, and a bottle of iced tea for her. She needed to, she knew that. She couldn’t keep carrying it on her own. But after everything, simply being here and being welcomed and loved without question was exactly what she needed. Right now she needed a distraction, and a reminder that there were people to catch her too should she fall. 

A reminder that even though she may be losing her best friend, she wasn’t alone. 

Nancy squeezed her hand and Marjan knew they would talk about it later. She knew they would ask and she would tell them. She knew that she could share this burden and that they would help her shoulder it, and maybe find some sense she wasn’t seeing through her fear and pain. But until then she was here and she was family, and that was exactly what she needed. 

So she gratefully accepted the plate of pasta handed to her by TK and squeezed Nancy’s hand back as she thanked Carlos for the food. Nothing was going to be solved in a day, and it certainly wouldn't be solved tonight. But for now, this was enough. 

[maybe-theres-hope]

Those Four Words

So yeah I JUST finished Desperate Measures and I literally had to get this out before I could sleep. 

5.03 Coda | 1.6k | Summary: How I would love to see them get their shit together. Title from the episode, referring to Eddie saying “We need to talk” because YES YOU FUCKING DO. *puts on clown nose*

Buck finds Eddie sulking on the bench in the locker room. Because this was becoming a pretty common occurrence as of late, he takes it on himself to do the best friend thing he always does, and walks in to sit beside him. 

The fact that Eddie doesn’t automatically look up at him with annoyance--like he has most of the time Buck has done this in the past few weeks, when they both know what the conversation is going to sound like--is unsettling but not off-putting.

“Hey,” is his opener. Quiet and courteous of Eddie’s obvious pain. Buck’s good at this best friend thing. Had a lot of practice lately.

He gets nothing in reply for long, long moments. He waits it out. Eddie’s a closed-off guy at the best of times, but when he’s hurting, it’s like a steel wall is up between him and the world. Buck’s taken a sledgehammer to that wall a few times and it hasn’t ended pretty. Lately he’s been just simply knocking at it, hoping the man on the other side can hear that he’s not alone. That’s all he can do. 

Then, “I broke up with Ana. Like. Officially.”

Buck is quiet for a moment. “Was there an...unofficial breakup before that?”

“I don’t know. Probably when I panicked twice in front of her at the mere mention of us as a family. Think that set off a few warning bells in her.”

Buck very carefully remains silent. 

“Well, actually. I don’t know if it did because...she was pretty devastated when I told her it wasn’t going to work. Like she didn’t see it coming after all.”

“What did you tell her? At the official breakup, I mean.” Buck doesn’t move, doesn’t speak above a low tone that barely breaches the two-foot divide between them. 

“Not the truth, that’s for damn sure. But. Something maybe close to it.” Eddie still hasn’t looked at him. His hand is half-over his eyes, fingers pressing at his temples like he’s trying to stave off a migraine. Buck’s presence is sometimes migraine inducing, he knows, but he doesn’t think he’s ever done it to Eddie.

...Maybe?

Nah. 

Hopefully not.

“What’s...something like the truth?” he asks.

“Basically that I thought I could grow to love her eventually. I tried hard to do that, but...it’s never going to happen. I know it’s not.”

Buck remains silent, waiting.

“She...she’s not stupid. She figured out that what was sending me into...whatever was happening to me--”

Buck very pointedly does not point out that what was happening were full blown panic attacks, Eddie--

“--was triggered by the thought of a future with her. It’s not even that she’s a bad prospect. She’s perfect, actually. In every way except that she’s not... Nevermind.”

“So, she was good with Christopher, right? I mean, you said she was--” Buck’s concern is hard to hide. If she did anything to hurt Christopher or make him feel...any type of way, Buck will be livid. But he doesn't think that’s the case. He even likes Ana. She’s nice, friendly, caring. She’s just...

“She’s just not for me.”

Buck can clearly see this is distressing Eddie to the nth degree, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s never had to save a relationship before. And is that what he should be doing? Sure, he’s great at this best friend thing and he wants his friend to be happy--more than anything in the world--but he’s at a loss as to what the actual problem is here.

“But Eddie, you said yourself she’d make a great mother for Chr--”

“He doesn’t need another mother! He had one, and she’s gone. He doesn’t need another.” The raised voice makes Buck pause for a moment. It’s the loudest either of them have spoken the entire time, and he’s sure it has a lot to do with the Shannon of it all, but...it doesn’t seem like that’s the whole thing. 

“I don’t know why I tried to force it. I knew it wasn’t going to work from day one. But she’s just...she was the best alternative.”

“Alternative to what? Eddie, what--”

“I’m in love with someone else! Okay? And I know I should have told her that, but I couldn’t. I can’t even...” he cuts himself off with a huff, but for the first time, he looks up to meet Buck’s gaze. His eyes are shining, but he’s not sad. He’s frustrated. Buck’s learned to tell the difference over the years. 

Best friend and all.

He weighs his options, because this is brand new information to him, which is saying something, and he’s not quite sure where to go from here.

Sure, he absolutely knows where he wants this to go, but. He’s also learned over the years that that’s just...not in the cards. Not for Buck, anyway.

Finally, he opens his mouth again. “I...didn’t know you were seeing anyone else besides Ana. Thought you two were, like, a serious thing.” Understatement of the year. How on earth was Eddie seeing someone that Buck didn’t know about? They practically lived out of each other’s pockets half the time. 

Eddie huffs out a small, horrible laugh. “I’m not. Seeing anyone. In that sense, anyway. Though we do see a lot of each other. A disgusting amount, if I’m being honest.” The laugh he lets out here is not horrible. It’s almost...fond. 

“O...kay.” Somewhere inside, Buck’s heart falters. “So, what’s the problem? Do they...not feel the same way?”

Another huff of a laugh. “Dunno. I never asked.” Eddie’s back to rubbing his temples again, almost hiding his face on purpose. 

“Alright, well, that should probably be step one.” Buck can’t keep the hint of scolding out of his tone, but he can see that it makes Eddie smile. “I can help you, if you want?”

This makes Eddie smile even wider, but it turns sad in an instant. “I know you would. But you can’t.”

Buck takes a moment--or several--to consider himself. To weigh all his options and arrive at a logical and sensible conclusion.

Who is he kidding? Buck opens his mouth on impulse, praying to every deity he’s ever heard of that he’s not wrong and he’s not about to ruin everything.

“I can try.” Another small laugh from Eddie in response, a hopeless, resigned one. “Eddie.” When he gets no reaction, he tries again. He really needs eye contact for this, no matter how much he knows Eddie hates it during emotional conversations. “Eddie.”

Slowly, Eddie’s eyes meet his. Buck goes for broke. 

“Step one. Ask.”

Eddie stares at him for a moment, no discernible change in his features. Buck’s eyes plead with him. And then, it’s like Buck can watch the switch flip behind his eyes. When he catches up to what’s being said here. 

Buck holds his breath for what feels like ages and feels his skin grow cold with shame because he was wrong, he was wrong, he was so so wrong--

“Are--” Eddie begins, strained. Buck’s heart stops. “Are we--” Buck’s sure his heart can’t actually stop twice, but it definitely does at this addition. 

His eyes are glued to Eddie’s, though. Like magnets. Pulling in the only direction they can ever go. The way the universe wills them. 

Eddie seems to come back to himself for a moment, flicking his eyes to the glass. Buck’s eyes tear themselves away to look at what’s caught his attention. The entire B shift and some of the A are still milling around outside. 

“Are we really going to do this here?” is the question Eddie actually poses to him. But, when Buck’s eyes snap back to their target, he sees something that kickstarts his heart again, and he lets out the breath he’d been deliberately holding for the last 45 seconds, give or take. Eddie’s tiny, timid smile seals the deal. 

“We could go to my place?” Buck offers. Tries desperately not to think about what could happen. What he wants to happen. 

“I need to get home to Christopher.” Eddie’s standing, grabbing his duffel. Buck’s nodding, because yeah, that’s true. He scrubs his mind of the...thoughts that were just playing through it.

“And so do you,” is what’s tacked onto the end, just thrown out there, like it’s the most normal, logical thing in the world. Eddie’s face is still a little timid when Buck looks up, but his own face must give away his heart because Eddie’s smile after that is radiant. He hands Buck his own bag, also giving him a hand up off the bench.

Yeah, his legs are a little wobbly. Good best friend actions, Eddie. Thanks. 

Though. Buck doesn’t know if that term still applies. Are they friends? Are they more now? But they haven’t talked about anything so, like, they’re not anything yet, right? But Eddie said he was in love with--

His thoughts halt when Eddie lands a small kiss to his lips, there and gone again in a nanosecond and wow, that had no right to be as earth-shattering as it was, it was just a peck, for Christ’s sake, and--

“Buck. Get your shit and lets go, yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.” Smooth. 

But Eddie’s smiling. For real this time. Buck will take that.

lbr, the show wouldn’t acknowledge Taylor during this conversation. It’d be wrapped up the next episode and she would storm out and never be heard from again. Definitely NOT how I’d want that to go, but. We all know it would. *honks clown nose*

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Hiiii. My mind is buzzing now with all kind of things! About Beth-Meggie- Leah AND that music box! What do we know? It is broken, while she is loking at it. But what do we see, at least two times? That we have the ballerina which is lighter in shade (Beth) while her reflection in the small mirror is darker, too dark imo(Leah). Leahs pullover this episode is similar to Beth's when they "die" only, Leah's is darker in shade. Back to the music box (part 1)

I love your hype! And this is a super interesting analysis of the music box. I never noticed that the reflection is darker or that there are times we can't see it. I just never thought of that.

But I agree. My theorists peeps and I were just talking the other day about how, especially the way Leah's arm is lying when she dies (like Beth's) it actually looks a lot like the cast Beth wore on that same arm, except that it's black where Beth's was white. So, I really think you're right about this.

And I DO believe we needed to see Leah die before Beth could return, and that we should see her very soon, now. (Hopefully as a coda in 11x17).

And there's actually a lot of precedent for this in the show. As I pointed out HERE, there was Mitch back in 4x08. He was an evil, anti-Daryl and we saw Daryl kill him right at the end of the episode. Directly after he did that, Beth ran up behind him. So, I kind of think Beth should be figuratively running up behind Daryl any second now.

Similarly, we had Andrea die in 3x16, and Beth came front and center with Daryl the very next episode in 4x01. It felt like there was a large gap there at the time, but it was only because we had to wait for the next season to come around in the normal cycle of the show. But really, it was the very next episode.

Another example of thought of is Rick. Back in S3, after Lori died, he saw hallucinations of her. But it wasn't really her. It was Rick's guilt over how they left things that made him see that. And even after he stopped doing his crazy-town-out-in-the-field thing, he continued to see her periodically throughout the season. He would look up at the bridge over the prison and see her looking down at him. Which just showed that he hadn't moved past his guilt yet. He hadn't put her to rest for himself.

Then (I'm going somewhere with this, I promise) in the finale, after Andrea died and he brought all the survivors of Woodbury back to the prison, he looked up again, and she was gone. Which meant he'd finally laid her to rest in his own mind and moved past the guilt of what happened.

And the VERY next episode, we see the first real evidence of Michonne, Rick, and Carl acting like a family. You could even argue the fact that exactly 2 episodes after Lori died, Michonne showed up and the prison and she and Rick had a little...eye contact.

I'm just saying they often show a character putting their past to rest and directly after, embarking on a new romantic relationship that ends up being healthier than the previous one.

The third time they did this with Richonne was after Jessie, which was a very unhealthy relationship for Rick. The very episode after she died, Richonne went canon. Similarly, Carol and Zeke didn't actually go canon until after Tobin died, and Carol had talked to him and gained some closure over the relationship.

So yeah, all this is just to say I agree and, from a pattern standpoint, it would just make perfect sense for Beth to show up in some way in the next episode.

Thanks Dear! Xoxo! ☔️😘

[bamfbuddie]

I just don’t see how they could have been together officially before the Red episode. Buck’s in his head about having no one to go home to outside the job. I think they were teetering in the cusp of something the entire season, but there were a number of derailments. Buck not being a guest at Eddies is more about them being so close, but not necessarily them having crossed that line. I just don’t believe the Red episode makes sense if they were already together.

This is also true. However, I feel everyone has their own takes. Personally, I feel like every episode in the second half of season 3 was an episode where there was an opening and a possibility of Buck and Eddie getting together. There were spaces within or after the episodes where they could’ve easily established a relationship.

3x15: Eddie watching the news coverage after rescuing the little boy and seeing how devastated Buck was to maybe realize that Eddie was dead and his realization of how all his flashbacks involved Buck. Him realizing how worried Buck was for him and maybe him talking to Buck about it and confessions come out.

3x16: Eddie realizing how lonely Buck is feeling during that pool game when he asks them if they would ever lose contact and reasssuring Buck that it would never happen to them because they’re family. There was a chance for some realizations there as well.

3x17: Eddie and Buck waiting in the hospital to hear some news about Athena’s condition and Eddie coming over to comfort Buck and asking him if he’ s okay and Buck being all I don’t think it’s me you need to be asking that and they look over to Bobby who has Michael comforting him and Eddie answering with he has someone to ask him that and I’m asking you. Buck just burying his head in Eddie’s chest and trying not to cry. Cue more realizations and emotions coming out.

3x18: Buck finally getting the closure he needs to finally move on from Abby even though it was a half assed explanation and not the apology he should’ve gotten and deserved. Him making his way over to Eddie’s house because he knows that Eddie is probably lonely and worrying over Christopher. Them once again talking about their feelings and Eddie asking him how his meeting went with Abby and Buck reassuring him about Christopher even though he also secretly worried. Cue the realizing how well they just understand each other and know what’s going on in the others mind without them having to say anything.

Also yes these are my coda episode ideas but they work.

[lambourngb]

For the WIP game: fossils

This is my coda to 3x04 where I dealt with Alex not being in the episode and my early thoughts about Deep Sky, and the Lockhart Machine... not sure if it holds up now. The danger in not finishing a coda before new canon airs...

****

All hell broke loose in the Deep Sky headquarters when the Lockhart machine turned on and then stayed on for forty-seven minutes. After the old song from 1941 had finished playing, the frequency changed on the machine, and suddenly, instead of continuing music it started broadcasting military call signs and aerial checkpoint chatter.

Ramos, after his initial shock over the change, had fumbled with his cell phone to start recording the new information, as the crowd near the machine grew around them. Alex had half-second to wonder what the previous operation 47 days ago had been like.

Alex frowned after a few seconds of listening, something wasn’t right according to his memory of air traffic control. Then he blinked hard, and spoke up, “That’s not NORAD broadcasting, that’s-”

“It’s from 1947!” A technician called, rapidly typing in their computer. “It’s the night of the crash in Roswell, holy shit-”

The machine played for forty-seven minutes the conversations from Strategic Air Command of the Army Air Force pilots encountering falling objects in the sky. A ship, then another pilot confirmed multiple contacts in the airspace over New Mexico. Alex had listened with a sick fascination at the mobilization of forces targeted on Roswell. Orders regarding the containment of a foreign enemy. Aliens.

The excitement in the room was not focused on the reveal of aliens, Alex had noted with a dawning discomfort, but on the section of the recording where a pilot had reported a returned signal from the unidentified craft. A broadcast had been sent from the ship, presumably a distress beacon as it lost altitude, but it was not in any intelligible language. It was sent in a series of clicks and blasts of noise. That had everyone in the room talking excitedly.

After the machine had finally fallen silent, Ramos appeared next to Alex’s elbow and had eyed the piece of turquoise still clutched in his hand. “I need to know the origins of that rock, Alex.” Ramos had held out his hand, his dark eyes were serious, letting Alex know that it wasn’t a request but an order to hand it over.

“I went out for some air to look at the sky, like you said, and I tripped over it on the ground. I picked it up because it was pretty. I didn’t realize I still had it in my pocket,” Alex had lied, any mention of Michael swallowed down deep where all of his secrets lived. Reluctantly with no other option, Alex placed the stone in the other man’s palm, keeping all signs of wariness far from his face.

Ramos never stopped studying his face, his nearly black eyes were apparently weighing everything Alex had ever said to him. He turned away with an unimpressed look to hand the stone off to a waiting scientist. It wasn’t clear to him if Ramos had bought the idea that Alex was the type to pick up “pretty rocks” on a whim, but the new glut of information from the Lockhart machine had kept him from interrogating Alex further.

Now, almost twenty-four hours later, he stared up at the plain white ceiling in a barracks room and wondered if he had made a mistake in joining Deep Sky. It was just a job offer, he had told himself. Secrecy had been a part of his Air Force career; his entire background had been vetted not long after he had shown proficiency in cyber security. He had felt zero guilt in leaving Michael Guerin off his list of associates, and no one, except maybe his father, would have questioned the gap at the time. Forrest warning him that the organization required social isolation had felt a little histrionic to Alex.

It wasn’t going to get that far, not with his short-term goals in place.

[emisfritish]

Our gift to the world - Episode 2

Pairing: Pang/Wave (The Gifted/The Gifted Graduation)

Summary: Episode codas of an established Pang/Wave in The Gifted Graduation.These can all be read as standalones, but they fit into the same canon-compliant universe. Episode 2 -  Scene set at the end of the episode after the whole talk with Time. 

Previous parts : Ep 1.

Next parts : Ep.3 / Ep.4 / Ep.5 / Ep.6 / Ep. 7 / Ep. 8

Series on Ao3

Notes : Okay, and that’s the coda for episode 2 ! Enjoy this weird mix of angst and fluff, all into one fic. 

Later in the evening, once The Gifted students have answered all of Time’s questions and after Wave’s continuous monitoring of school cameras to make sure that the group of Anti-Gifted students were found and picked up by school staff for what they hope will be severe disciplinary actions, Pang finds himself back in his bedroom, sitting on his bed. 

Today has been exhausting, he thinks to himself, as he lets his head fall backwards until it hits gently against the wall behind him and closes his eyes, trying to hold off the migraine he can feel building within him. The evening definitely hadn’t gone down like they planned, and although the mission had been a success and no one had gotten hurt in the end, Pang still feels uneasy with how close a call it had been, and the many thoughts and questions still plaguing him. 

First, this was all his fault. Sure, he disagrees with everything the Anti-Gifted stand for right now and he hates the way they go at things, but he’d also been the one to bring them into the fold, to impress upon the other Gifted students that it was a good idea. Blinded by his ideals, he inadvertently created them, and every single action they do now indirectly falls back on him. 

Which leads him to the second thought that is currently so imposing it almost paralyzes him in fear… Was he repeating the same mistake with Time ? 

Sure, Time looks like his heart in his the right place and he only wants to help make things better too, but that’s exactly what Pang thought when he first introduced the non-gifted students to his friends, and one only has to look at the situation today to see how bad that particular decision had been. 

Pang hates the idea of potentially putting even more people in danger by bringing Time into the fold. The idea that the decision he took by not forcing Time to forget everything that’s happened recently could ultimately harm his friends, could harm Wave… he doesn’t think that’s something he could live with. Not again.

“I can hear you overthinking things from all the way over here,” a voice suddenly cuts into his thoughts. 

“You don’t read mind, that’s not what your gift is,” Pang says as he lifts his head to look towards his boyfriend who is currently leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom, studying him. 

“Trust me, I don’t need it to be my gift to be able to read you like an open book right now,” the other boy answers, before he pushes his way forward to make his way into the bedroom. 

“Move over,” he orders once he reaches the bed, prompting Pang to scoot to the side to leave enough room for Wave to sit next to him, which he does instantly. The immediate comfort coming from the warmth of their sides being pressed loosens Pang’s shoulders a bit.

Neither of them say anything for a couple minutes, and Pang can feel Wave’s stare burning into the side of his face, his boyfriend studying him intently before he finally breaks the silence. 

“Are you okay ?” 

Wave’s voice when he asks the question is low and soft, in a way it so rarely is, and even in the midst of everything going on, Pang takes a second to appreciate that he’s one that gets to see this Wave, and appreciate this softer side of him. 

He shrugs in answer, not quite knowing how to put all of his feelings into words, and Wave nods back, as if that reaction was to be expected. 

“Talking about her never gets easier,” Wave confesses, looking away from Pang to look at the cupboard sitting in front of the bed, where they both know a picture of Ohm, Pang and Namtarn is hidden from view, safely taped on the inside of the door.  

Namtarn.

His discussion with Time and the rehashing of the past has left a sour taste in his mouth, and even after all these months, talking about her and what she’s been through never gets easier. The fact that most of the school seem to think that him and his friends are to blame for hurting her, for hurting one of their own… well, that just makes it even more painful.

Of course Wave would know that Pang’s head has been filled with memories and thoughts about her ever since his talk with Time earlier. If anyone outside of him and Ohm understands the feelings of loss, it would be Wave. Both because he loved her as much as Pang himself did, and because he feels the same sense of guilt at what happened to her. 

They rarely talk about it, but the fact that they were the ones to ask her to go back into the room where they knew a bomb was, the room where she got hurt, is something they’ll both have to live with for the rest of their lives. In that way, no one understands him the same way Wave does. 

“She’s okay by the way,” Wave says, pressing his thigh a little closer to Pang’s, his own version of physical comfort. 

“You texted her ?” Pang asks his boyfriend hopefully, turning towards him, and he sees Wave nod in answer. 

Because they were paranoïd about their phones being tapped and about people finding out Pang had regained his memories, they’ve set a rule that Pang isn’t allowed to contact her directly, not unless he was sending a message through Wave’s secure phone, for both of their safety.

And of course Wave, knowing Pang the way he does, he would have known the only way to ease Pang’s mind a little tonight would be to hear from their friend. Trust his boyfriend to cut right to the root of the issue and find a pragmatic way to fix it.

“You can text her later, if you want. She said she likes her new school, and that she’s met some nice people,” Wave continues, and a little bit of the sadness that had been weighing on Pang for the last hour chips away at the words. 

“Of course, I’m fairly certain they’ll never hold a candle to us, but you can’t have everything. Not everyone is as great as I am,” Wave says with a cocky smirk, and Pang can’t hold the small snort that escapes him in the face of his boyfriend’s arrogance.  

“Thank you,” he says after a second, appreciating the fact that Wave took the time to reach out to her to ease both of their minds, which causes Wave to shrug in response.

“Well, this night certainly turned out differently than I expected.”

There’s no judgement in the words, but Pang still feels guilt and doubt swim at the bottom of his stomach. 

“Do you think I made a mistake telling him all of this instead of forcing him to forget and stay away from us ?” he finally asks the question that has been lingering on his mind all night. 

Wave stays silent for a couple seconds, thinking over his answer, before he turns towards Pang and shrugs again. 

“I think you did what you thought was right,” he ends up answering.

“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake though.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Wave tells him, direct as ever. “It doesn’t mean it was a mistake either though.”

“If you were me, you would have used my gift to make him forget,” Pang affirms, knowing his boyfriend enough to know it to be the truth. 

“I would have,” he answers back, not denying the words. “But I’m not you.”

Simple as that. 

Because he’s right, it is an answer. In many ways, Wave and him are nothing alike and have very different ways of solving problems, but that was also their strength. That was why they worked so well together to begin with, both when it came to shutting down a corrupt system, and in their personal relationship. 

“I know you think I’m an idiot for trusting him,” Pang continues, and Wave turns towards him and frowns. 

“I don’t think you’re an idiot,” he replies, and Pang raises an eyebrow in disbelief. 

“Okay, I think you’re an idiot sometimes,” he amends, which makes Pang smile, very used to being an idiot on many subjects when compared with his math and technology genius of a boyfriend. “But I don’t think it’s the case right now.”

Pang nods at his words, thinking them over. If there’s one thing he could trust Wave with, it was brutal honesty, even when it came to things Pang didn’t necessarily want to hear. Knowing that Wave doesn’t think him trusting Time was totally stupid eases his mind a little. 

“It’s just… I truly think he could help,” Pang explains. “I know you think he’s a liability.”

“Oh, he definitely is a liability,” Wave cuts him off. “He’s a naïve idiot, he believes what everyone tells him too easily, and we can’t predict where he’ll go and what he’ll do, which makes him dangerous. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand why you wouldn’t use your gift on him.”

Of course. Wave is the only one in their group who knows just how scared Pang is of one day turning into someone he doesn’t recognize anymore. Of one day being so power hungry with his ability to control people, that he becomes just like the director, if not worse. 

“Plus… he may turn out to be more useful than I initially thought he would be,” Wave continues, and Pang feels another weight being lifted off of his shoulders. 

“So you don’t blame me for not forcing him away ?” Pang asks in a small voice, and Wave turns towards him again.

“How could I blame you when you being this way is precisely the reason I lo…” he stops mid-sentence and swallows nervously, which makes Pang smile, before he nudges his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. 

He knows Wave won’t finish the sentence, the words being difficult enough for him that he very rarely says them out loud. It doesn’t make it any less true though, and Pang doesn’t need to hear the words to know that he means them with every fiber of his being. 

Seeing the way Wave has changed and opened up since they got together, the way he’s sometimes softer and kinder, while remaining the same Wave that drove him absolutely insane last year, is enough proof for Pang to know exactly how his boyfriend feels. 

“My boyfriend is a softie, I got used to it,” Wave ends up saying with a shrug instead of the words that had started to come out. 

Pang turns towards him and smiles brightly, which he didn’t think would be possible after the evening they’ve had. 

“You convinced him to trust me tonight,” Pang reminds him, remembering the words Wave told Time earlier and how they warmed his heart. 

Trust isn’t an easy thing for Wave to give away, not after everything he’s been through when he was younger. So for him to choose to put his trust in Pang, over and over again… let’s just say the significance isn’t lost on him. 

“Don’t let it get to your head,” Wave says dismissively with a roll of his eyes, which causes Pang to snort again. 

God, his boyfriend could be so dramatic when he was trying to keep up his cold front. 

“I trusted you, and it turned out pretty well for me,” he continues his thought, prompting Pang to turn towards him, fake outrage written all over his face even as the words warm his heart again.

“Pretty well ? Pretty well ? I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you, don’t even try to pretend otherwise,” he teases him, only to stop when Wave turns towards him and looks at him seriously.

“You are,” he says simply, and Pang feels his breath catch in his throat at the words. 

Before he has the time to say anything in response, a grin lights up Wave’s face. 

“What is that Mr.Sermrittirong ? Is that you blushing I’m seeing right in front of my eyes ? What, the king of cheesy lines himself can’t take a little flirting ? I guess I win again,” Wave teases back, cocky smirk in place. 

God, Pang had clearly been a terrible influence on him if this is what Wave uses his newly found confidence in their relationship to do. 

“Are you seriously trying to win at flirting ?” he asks deadpan, which only causes Wave to laugh. 

“Oh, I’m not just trying. I think I’m succeeding. Quite easily actually.”

It’s funny how things change, Pang thinks to himself. How Wave, of all people, had managed to steal his heart when Pang was expecting it the least, and how easily they fit together. 

This boy that can go from being cold and calculating, to cocky, flirty and yet sweet the very next minute. This boy that can be so very arrogant, and yet so insecure at the same time, always keeping Pang on his toes. 

Yet, as Pang looks at his boyfriend now and sees the cocky grin the boy is wearing, he can remember that particular expression from the very first day he met Wave, and the predominant thought in his mind right now, is a very familiar one. He would like nothing more than for Wave to shut up.

Some things do change, but others remain exactly the same. He just has way more enjoyable ways of shutting Wave up now, which he puts to use right this second, pushing forward to kiss Wave and get him to stop talking for a while. 

“Maybe everything with Time will turn out okay and he won’t cause any issues,” Pang ends up saying wistfully a while later, after shutting up Wave for a few good minutes. 

“Oh, he’ll definitely cause us trouble. Mark my words,” he boyfriend negates the thought, and Pang turns towards him. 

“And even knowing that, you don’t blame me for not using my gift on him ?”

Wave bumps their foreheads together before reaching forward to grab Pang’s hand in his. 

“I trust your judgement,” he ends up saying, causing Pang’s heart to beat double time in his chest, before he looks up at his boyfriend gratefully.

“Besides… I kind of have a thing for naïve idiots anyway.”

[fanfic-corner]

Under 10,000 Words

16/12/20 - I can never figure out what my favourite length of fic is, but I think it depends on my mood. Sometimes I want a huge, 200,000 word journey, and sometimes I just want a quick drabble. Anyway, here are some fics which are all between 2,000 and 10,000 words, organised by the word count.

Sleep Deprivation by Honey_Honey on AO3. (2,313 words).

Tags: Cute, First Kiss.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: The one where killing monsters leaves Dean without a week of sleep, and Cas has to deal with the consequences.

Notes: This was so fluffy and cute and I can totally imagine Dean overthinking everything while Sam just finds the whole situation hilarious.

That One Time Sam Winchester Googled Something Weird and It Had Pretty Awesome Results by quitepossiblyjanuary on AO3. (2,587 words).

Tags: Romantic Fluff, First Kiss, Stars, Humor, Courtship, Short & Sweet.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Sam Googles something and his curiosity doesn’t kill the cat. Or him. Or anyone. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.

Notes: This was so adorable! Gabe was so sweet, and his mind reading skills made me laugh.

What Can’t Be Seen by destieldrabblesdaily on AO3. (2,639 words).

Tags: Soulmate AU, author!Cas, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Written for this prompt: Soulmate AU where you first see color after eye contact: Cas is a famous best selling author and he’s promoting his book, so he’s talking to a crowd of people and suddenly his world is in color, and a lot of his fans pretend to be his soulmate. A Cinderella type situation ensues.

Notes: This was really cute and such a sweet and funny idea.

The Tea is Decaf by mnwood on AO3. (3,673 words).

Tags: POV Castiel, Fluff, Sign Language, Castiel in the Bunker, Canon Compliant, Sharing Clothes, Asexual Castiel, Gentle Dean, Non-Explicit Sex, Domestic, Established Relationship.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Based on this text post from thebloggerbloggerfun: “Listen, imagine Eileen sneaking out of Sam’s room at night to go to the bathroom or something and steps out into the hallway in one of Sam’s shirts only to see Cas trying to quietly leave Dean’s room while wearing one of Dean’s shirts and they both just stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds before trying to muffle quiet laughter and now they have a late night club where they talk about life and gossip about the Winchesters in sign language"And this anon I received: "what if Eileen and Cas discover there are some things Sam and Dean both do in bed because Dean jokingly gave Sam pointers when they were younger and Sam took the advice”.

Notes: This has to be one of my favourite fics of all time, even though the first time I read it I hadn’t even met Eileen yet! I’m still so pissed off that she wasn’t in the finale (unless we’re counting Blurry Wife?).

surely heaven wants for you by cenotaphy on AO3. (3,782 words). 

Tags: Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Heaven, Coda, Post-Finale, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean, Outdoor Sex.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Cas doesn't come to him. Dean can't really argue with that, given the circumstances. In all the history of balls in courts, he thinks there might never have been a ball as thoroughly in a court as this one is in his. He drives for what feels like a long time but might just be a single sunny afternoon, or maybe years (time's funny here, Bobby had said), just enjoying the music, the shifting landscape outside his window, the hum and creak of the engine. Finally the forest opens up and the road narrows down in a way that he's fairly certain wouldn't typically happen on any kind of earthly interstate, and he glides the car to a halt at the edge of a lake.

Notes: This was so beautiful and such a interesting exploration of Dean’s feelings!

a quick salt and burn by xylodemon on AO3. (4,609 words).

Tags: Episode Related, Cemeteries, Case Fic.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: "Fuck," Dean mutters, wincing as pain throbs in his shoulder and neck. After the ghost chucked him into the hedge, he hit the ground like ton of bricks and clipped an exposed tree root so old it was practically petrified. "So much for a quick salt and burn."

Notes: This is adorable and hilarious, so a double win.

Funny Bone by PallasPerilous on AO3. (4,933 words).

Tags: Fluff and Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Skeletons, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Alternate Universe - No Angels, Canon Divergence, Mild Gore.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: It wasn’t even a particularly creepy skeleton; it was in kind of a “just chillin’” pose on the floor. One ankle was still locked up in a heavy iron cuff, at the end of a short chain leading back to the wall. Snoresville, as dead stuff goes; Dean’s seen worse at Disneyland. It was the skeleton’s comment about Dean’s ass that really livened things up.

Notes: This has to have been one of the funniest fics I have ever read, but oh boy did I feel bad for poor Cas.

Grace by july_19th_club on AO3. (5,164 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Resurrection, Reciprocated Confession.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: A man dies. What happens next will shock you. [script]

Notes: This was written beautifully, and now I really want to see this filmed! So much better than the ending we got.

(un)conventional by imogenbynight on AO3. (6,100 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe, mechanic!Dean, Writer!Castiel, Conventions, Fluff.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Spec Lit Con--Speckly Con, to it’s regular attendees--is an annual weekend-long event held in Chicago, dedicated to science fiction, fantasy and otherwise speculative literature. This year Dean's favorite author, C.J. Novak, is appearing as a panelist. Naturally, he shells out the cash for an all access pass.

Notes: This was so adorable that I nearly screamed in the corridor outside my computer science lesson. Plus, the writing was absolutely gorgeous! I miss conventions :(

La Vie A Plus by K_K_TiBal on AO3. (6,260 words)

Tags: Punk Castiel, Asexual Castiel, College/Uni AU, Roommates, oh my god they were roommates, College Student Dean, College Student Castiel, Pining, First Kiss, Misunderstandings, Art Student Castiel, Love Confessions, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Tattooed Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester is hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with his best friend and roommate, Castiel. Castiel - with his blue hair, and his tattoos, and his artwork, and his perfect everything. Dean never stood a chance, really. It only sucks because, as far as Dean can tell, Castiel is definitely not interested. But love, much like art, has a way of being unpredictable. Even if you think you know where you’re going with it.

Notes: The angst is strong in this one! Again, I feel like many aces have had this conversation or that fear that people (allos, especially) may not want to be with them.

Event Horizon by Winglesss on AO3. (6,442 words).

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Dean, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Past Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Texting, Sharing a Bed, Happy Ending, Veteran Dean, Doctor Dean, Writer Castiel, Strangers.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Castiel couldn't have helped his sister. That's why being offered a chance to help somebody else dealing with suicidal thoughts he took it without hesitation. When he gets the first text from someone who needs his help, nothing goes as he expected.

Notes: I don’t know if that kind of suicide prevention scheme exists, but this fic is very sweet.

I Think That’s Mine by palominopup on AO3. (6,804 words).

Tags: Fluff, AU, Reporter!Dean, Writer!Cas.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: A mix up at the Atlanta Airport places Dean Winchester's laptop in someone else's possession. A series of calls and texts bring two men together.

Notes: This was so cute, Cas was so sweet, and Dean was an icon.

Nothing Equals the Splendor by RurouniHime on AO3. (7,865 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief, Explicit Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Declarations of Love, Canon Compliant, Minor Injuries.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Maybe it’s the cynic in him. The hunter, always under the surface of any quietude he ever found. Or maybe it’s just that he has always had trouble with blind faith. But after a while (a blink? A decade? A century?), Dean raises his eyebrows, looks around, and says—

“Uh. No.”

It’s so close. Just so slightly imperfect. And maybe, he analyzes, maybe that’s the final knell of this bell called contentment. Dean’s experience with happiness has always been that last rise in the road, right before it turns. Right before fate comes barreling around the corner head on. He turns in his spot on the bridge, and suddenly Sam is like a cellophane film through which he can see the light streaming, and the taste of cheap beer on his tongue is much, much older a memory than it should be.

“Oh, you’re good,” he says, and means it.

Notes: What a great idea, and written so well! I always thought the show could have done so much more with djinns, but never mind.

In the House of the Rising Bun by imissmaeberry on AO3. (9,046 words).

Tags: Bakery and Coffee Shop, Baker Dean, Barista Sam, College Campus, Poet Castiel, Mutual Pining, Daddy Issues, Background Sam/Jess, Past Balthazar/Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester only has three rules concerning the cafe he and his brother Sam own, “House of the Rising Bun”.

1. Any and all opportunities to make a pun will be taken. 2. Free regular coffee with your student ID (If you want some of that fancy nonsense you gotta pay, sorry kids). 3. Anyone and everyone is always welcome.

Between Dean running the shop full-time and Sam helping out whenever he isn’t in class, there really isn’t a whole lot of time for romance for either of them. But that all changes when they gain a new regular - some writer from London - who may or may not have the bluest eyes Dean’s ever seen.

Notes: First of all, the puns were amazing and I am willing to fight people on that. Secondly, that was so sweet and funny I am afraid I might have to disappear under mysterious circumstances and open my own cafe…

I hope you enjoy these! I haven’t read any new fics for this list and even then there were way too many to put on one list, so expect a sequel at some point in the future!

[daffietjuh]

can you write something based on yesterday’s episode or your not really into codas?

I don’t think I’ve ever written a proper coda before, but I shall give it a shot. 

‘Oh, hey!’ Alex stopped at the voice behind him. He turned to find Forrest Long jogging after him. Michael had already hopped in his truck. ‘Alien dude’s friend, wait up.’ Oh man, had they not even introduced themselves? That was rude of them. 

‘Alex. My name is Alex.’ He said because the guy had fed them, it was the least he could do.

‘Awesome, that’s kind of what I was fishing for.’ Forrest said with an easy grin. He seemed so warm and nice it was hard to believe he was related to a scumbag like Wyatt Long. ‘I was also kind of hoping you’d spontaniously offer if you and alien boy are dating.’ Alex could feel his heart stutter in his chest. 

‘His name is Michael, and no, we’re not together right now.’ 

‘But you were?’ Forrest asked and Alex could feel his face go tight. ‘Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. Sometimes my brain-to-mouth filter doesn’t work all that well.�� Forrest let out an awkward little laugh. ‘I just- well- I, uh. So, I am not good at this.’ Alex blinked at him. 

‘I can tell.’ 

‘Right, sorry, I’ll just-’ Forrest waved over his shoulder with a pained expression and started to backtrack. Alex suddenly felt really bad for him. 

‘Wait, what exactly where you trying to ask?’ He tried for a friendly smile. ‘Maybe I can help?’ Forrest stopped walking away and his face went painfully hopeful. 

‘Well, I know we just met and everything, but you’re like, the most attractive guy I have seen in a while, so uh- yeah.’ Alex blinked at him for a second. He wasn’t really expecting that. He was kind of bracing himself for Forrest to ask for Michael’s number or something. ‘And I’m clearly way off base here, so I’m just going to find a shovel and start digging.’ 

‘No, wait. Sorry, I was just surprised.’ Alex held out a hand. “I could, uh, give you my number? Maybe we could text? Get to know each other beyond “oh he’s cute and he has blue hair”?’ Alex asked and Forrest grinned. Warm and sharp and excited. 

‘Yes, absolutely.’ His hands scrambled for his phone. ‘Here.’ He handed Alex his phone and Alex ignored his trembling fingers as he added his number to Forrest’s contacts. 

‘There.’ 

‘Thanks, I will text you.’ 

‘You do that.’ Alex tried to hide his grin as he climbed into the truck. Michael looked at him a little funny, but Alex wasn’t willing to dive into that look right now. He waved at Forrest as Michael started the car and headed back to town. 

[shittyelfwriter]

Stay Alive

Pairing: established Castiel x fem!reader

Word count: 3100-ish

Summary: After the events of a day that is a strong contestant for the worst of your lives, you and your partner take a moment to process some of the damage. Coda for 15x01 “Back and to the Future”.

Warnings: Angst that is consistent with the episode, mostly hurt/comfort

A/N: Obviously this episode wreaked havoc on my poor Cas loving heart. Was he a badass? Yes. Was he treated like shit? Also yes. Is the title a reference to the Hamilton soundtrack because while I was writing this I thought of the Stay Alive (reprise) and drew death-of-a-child parallels? Also also yes. I wrote this in half an hour, hopefully it’s not crap but the fire of my emotions really got me going and I went into a frenzy.

More of my writing (masterlist)

You saw the moment that Dean approached Cas from a distance. You’d just tossed your FBI jacket in the back of the Impala and broached the practical subject with Sam of finding something for dinner when you saw the few terse moments of interaction. You only caught the tail end of it, had seen rather than heard Dean say good, and then that was all. No comfort was offered, no physical reassurance, none of the warmth or solidarity you’d seen him and Sam exchanging earlier. Granted, they were brothers. Perhaps that just came with the territory. But you knew Dean was shunning Cas, you knew why, and you were internally furious with the man. You wanted to scream at him up and down the street for the way he was treating the angel, who had just experienced perhaps the most emotionally tolling loss of his existence, barring his falling away from Heaven and its tenets.

You’d lost Jack. Again.

Cas had lost his son, you all had, and here was Dean, still holding a grudge over Castiel’s head like a weapon. You knew that losing their mom was a hard hit. Mary’s death had been Jack’s fault, one way or another, and Cas had been protecting Jack. Dean was unwilling to forgive that mistake—if you could even be so bold as to call it that. Could protecting your child from the ire of another adult (and one likely to take aggressive action at that) really qualify as a mistake? It seemed like something any parent would do, especially when the matter of blame wasn’t really a clear cut thing.

Dean was grieving, obviously; and so far, he was coping with that by treating Cas like dirt and shunning him in all the ways that mattered. You needed to all pull together, to be a team in every sense to face what you were up against— dealing with three billion ghosts wasn’t going to be any sort of cakewalk, and then there was the fact that you were all hoping that Sam’s theory about Chuck dipping out of your universe were true, and that he wasn’t cooking up some fresh bullshit somewhere on Earth, under the radar.

But Cas was grieving too, and why Dean couldn’t see that and understand and maybe grant a little bit of mercy on the angel who had given so much to be standing at their side in the face of the wrath of his own father and creator was just a little too much for you to choke down. And to top it all off, a slap in all of your faces was the fact that as the gates of hell were opened, a demon had hopped skipped and jumped right into Jack’s still warm corpse.

And then Dean—and Sam, which made it suck even more—had insisted that Cas wasn’t allowed to chase the damned thing out. Nor were you, you were quickly told, when you’d bristled alongside your partner. To add insult to injury, the demon, who apparently went by Belphegor, was overtly cheery and made every attempt at camaraderie—which was just uncomfortable and grating, considering whose face he was wearing and under what circumstances. Both you and Cas were on edge every time he was around, but rushing away from what looked like Jack felt foreign, wrong. It was awful.

You weren’t gonna pick a fight with Dean, not today. Even though part of you wanted to chew the man out and give him a good piece of your mind, you yourself were exhausted. You’d been running on air for days, the only thing keeping you going had been fresh adrenaline and the need to keep moving. You had two days within the barrier Belphegor—if that really was who he was—had raised around the town before the real feds showed up. That was long enough to allow a few hours of rest, you figured, striding over to the angel before he could slink away from the scene feeling completely unwanted and alone.

You slipped your hand in his, and squeezed gently. “Hey.” It was a simple greeting, far too simple, but it was loaded with meaning. I saw. I know. I’m on the same page with you. You’re not alone.

A slight moment of hesitation later and he squeezed back, your heart warming at his attempt to reciprocate. “Hey,” he replied, voice even more gravelly than usual—a tell tale sign of emotional overload. His attention immediately focused in on you, as if grateful for a distraction from everything hurting him. “Are you alright?” He asked, other hand moving to rest on your arm, as he looked you over for any injuries he might have missed on his last visual inspection after the chaos had settled, anything he could heal. Anything he could fix, something he could make better for you. You offered him a small, watery smile.

“No,” you replied softly, and he knew you meant more than just a physical pain. He could see it in your eyes, the loss that he felt mirrored there. “But neither are you,” you added, a hand slipping up to his cheek, smoothing a thumb over his jaw. You saw that look flit through his eyes, the one that meant he felt like he didn’t deserve your sympathy, that he was beginning to believe that Dean’s anger was righteously placed upon him. Don’t do that, you prayed silently at him. Don’t you dare take his cold shoulder to heart. He’s hurting too. We all are. Give him time.

He drew a shaky breath, stepping into you, pressing closer like he needed the contact as reassurance. “I just…I can’t…” he fumbled for words, casting a glance over at the demon wearing your son’s body as a vessel, his expression distraught and angry and broken. You knew how he felt; it was a cruel taunt for Jack’s body to be walking and talking and filled with something so unholy when you’d lost him so recently—so recently, that you hadn’t even had a moment to slow down and process it.

“I know.” Your voice broke, tears filling your eyes. “I hate it too, Cas. I hate it so much.” You’d both lost Jack before, the first time he’d died. You’d grieved him, commemorated him, and you’d done it as a family. Now, it seemed that that wasn’t a luxury that would be afforded to him a second time, whether it be because Sam and Dean were too angry at his involvement in Mary’s death or the functionality of his body playing host to an unexpected freeloader. It was cruel, and impossible to fully come to terms with. You felt tears burning behind your eyes, a thick lump in your throat. He had deserved so much better.

You took a deep breath of your own, and a step back. “Come on, angel. I’ve got zombie guts on me and we’re gonna need to set up a base of operations. Let’s go.”

Whether it were just the example of a universal constant or instead the ever present influence of Chuck’s handiwork was unclear, but there was a motel just down the street from the high school where the rest of the town was holed up. It was just as mediocre as any motel you’d been in over the years, but it might as well have been the Ritz-Carlton because it was safe and quiet and had running hot water. Sam and Dean were wrapping things up with the locals and law enforcement and then making a stop wherever they could to scrounge up some food stuffs, and the demon—and more importantly, Jack’s body—would be with them until they got back. The only upside was that it left you with a short while alone with Cas where rude comments or just general harshness wouldn’t be flung at him.

Throwing the lock on the door and tugging yourself out of your jacket was thankfully routine, because you were barely even functional at this point. You felt like you were in a daze, like none of this were real; perhaps just a bad dream, wherein you were drained, completely and emotionally wrecked. Cas didn’t seem much better off, standing in the middle of the room like he didn’t know quite what to do with himself. You couldn’t blame him, but it still broke your heart when you saw him casting his eyes around, like a bird trapped in a cage. He wanted to run, to find something to fight, to get away from what he was feeling, it it wasn’t really what he needed. You knew him well enough by now to know that. Because as much as he wanted to escape it all, he didn’t want to be alone, either.

You tugged him by the hand when you went to shower, gently inviting him in with you. He didn’t need to, obviously, and it wasn’t going to be glamorous after the week you’d had, but it was a routine of your relationship, a little bit of constancy, normalcy. Being close was a comfort, one he needed too, and some privacy after all that had happened was welcome. You weren’t surprised when halfway through the shower your tears started free flowing. Even once you were clean, he just held you in his arms under the warm water, the two of you anchoring to each other in the middle of the storm. Nothing was said; neither of you were ready yet, your hearts too heavy. But by the time you’d pulled on clean clothes and tumbled into the shitty motel bed together, curling into one another like you couldn’t be separated, you found some.

“I know it’s stupid to say ‘it’s not fair’.” Your voice was soft, even in the quiet. His face was buried against your neck, breathing soft against your skin. He was holding onto you like a lifeline, like you were all that was keeping him tethered to reality instead of tumbling headfirst into his grief. Maybe you were, but he was doing the same for you. “But it’s not. And I hate it. And maybe we were never meant to win, or be safe, or be happy in Chuck’s story. But dammit.” Your voice broke, tears strangling you as you clenched your trembling hands. “I wanted Jack to have better than this. I didn’t want him to be just another person we cared about and lost, because he was so much more than that.”

“It’s my fault.” The words rumbled through you, and you felt your chest tighten. “I was supposed to protect him, and all I ever did was fail at it.” He let out a huff, a slight sardonic attempt at a laugh. “I lost him once and swore I’d never let it happen again, and I still failed.”

“No it’s not. It’s not your fault,” you countered, insisted. “It’s not. Do you honestly think there is anything we know of now that we could have done to protect him from Chuck? From God, himself? We were completely blindsided. We thought Dean was the threat.”

“We were wrong.” You knew Castiel had given up on his father a long time ago, but this was the kind of wound that took that to an entirely different level.

“I hate him.” You didn’t have to say who, you knew Cas could feel your intent. Chuck, God, whatever you called him he was a cruel, sadistic motherfucker and you wished you’d never had the misfortune of meeting your Maker. You could also tell, with the way Cas’ arms tightened around you, that he agreed, and that scared him a little.

“It should have been me.” Even though it wasn’t the first time you’d heard him say that, especially about Jack, it still it made your pulse skip a beat in panic. “If anyone deserved to die, like that, it’s me. I’ve done things to be worthy of my father’s wrath. Jack was”—his voice broke, and your heart shattered into even smaller pieces, fresh tears poring from the corners of your eyes—“Jack was so young. He was just trying his best. All of this, what he is—was—was so confusing, overwhelming. People tried to take advantage of him left and right.  Lucifer, Dumah, even Dean…” You could feel in his words how betrayed he still felt by Dean’s choice to try and lock Jack away. “He was just a child. He was meant for so much more.”

“That doesn’t mean it should have been you.” You felt him nuzzle deeper into your hair, hiding his face from the world. “Cas, listen to me. I would have taken a bullet for that boy myself, any day of the week. I would have gladly died to keep him here, with you.”

“Don’t say that.” You could heat the panic lacing his voice, even in a whisper. “Don’t you dare say that, don’t even think it.” He drew back enough to fix you with a pleading look, and you were shocked to see his eyes swimming in tears. “For a moment I thought that he was going to—you were standing right there, not even six paces from him and I was so afraid that he’d just snap again and you’d be…”

That he’d kill you, too.

You hadn’t even paused to consider he might have been afraid of that.

“Oh, Cas.” You took his face in your hands, pressing your lips to his. I’m sorry, you amended in prayer. I didn’t mean it like that. He kissed you back, desperate, hands grasping at your hips and pulling you into him. Like he couldn’t be close enough, like he needed you very, very near to be sure that you were still actually there. “When he said ‘story’s over’ I thought he was going to kill us all right then and there,” you confessed, when you broke for air.

“I thought he might, too,” Cas agreed. His eyes fell away from yours. “I almost don’t know what to do now that he’s just…left us here.”

“We’ll figure it out,” you told him, smoothing a hand over his shoulder. “We always do. We’ll find a way to get through this.”

There was a long pause, wherein he didn’t argue with you but he didn’t agree, either. When he glanced back up at you, there was a strange look in his eyes.

“Promise me something.”

“What?” You asked, concern grabbing at your heart as you hoped he wouldn’t ask something impossible. Something like don’t sacrifice yourself for me, because you didn’t know if you could stop yourself, if it came down to it.

“Promise me you won’t start to hate me, too.” It surprised you, but he seemed serious.

“Why on earth would I hate you?” You asked, bewildered and almost exasperated in your state of exhaustion. “I love you, Castiel. I trust you more than anyone, more than even Sam and Dean—especially with the way they’re treating you right now.”

“Because that’s what happens when I care about people.” He held your face in his hand, the gentle caress of his thumb serving to make you even more sleepy. “Maybe it’s because of what I am. Maybe angels really aren’t meant to love anyone, because it always seems to end badly when emotions are involved.”

“I think that’s just part of being alive, love,” you told him, your eyes fluttering closed as you leaned into his touch. Some part of your chest felt hollow with that familiar feeling of loss, but with him by your side, you didn’t have to bear it alone. “It’s not your fault. Life is just unkind like that sometimes, and people make choices that can hurt you.” You sighed, and looked up at him. “I’ve loved you long enough, through enough, to know that I’m not going anywhere, angel. If there’s one person you don’t have to worry about losing, it’s me.” You paused, and you could literally feel that you were both thinking the same thing. “Not by choice, anyway,” you added quietly. Death was an eventuality, you knew, but for tonight, you’d like to think it would come later rather than sooner—in spite of the odds of your current predicament, which didn’t seem to lend much to that hope.

But a promise was what he had asked for, not for you to defy fate. He nodded, seeming content for now with that answer. There was only so much reassurance could do for either of you at that moment, anyway. Part of you wanted to promise him that you’d get Jack back, that you were family, that you’d done it once before and you’d do it again. That the two of you together would move Heaven and Earth if you needed to, to fix this. But could you? Could you repair what had been done, when you were up against the Creator’s will?

It was all too much, far too much for your muddled, sleep deprived brain. You found your eyes kept slipping shut of their own accord, despite you willing yourself awake to keep your partner company. But he knew better than you did how exhausted you were, and he rolled over beside you, pulling you to rest on his chest, your ear over his heartbeat.

“We have just about two hours until Sam and Dean return with something to eat,” he told you, and you didn’t have it in you to argue. You reached for his hand as he pulled the blanket up over your shoulders the way you liked it. “Sleep while you can, and I’ll watch over you.”

You murmured your thanks, sending a wave of love his way in lieu of words. You felt his other hand cradle your head, a kiss pressed into your hair. As you drifted into unconsciousness, you thought you heard him quietly say something about protecting you at all costs, that you were the only thing he had left—but maybe that was just your exhaustion getting the better of you, one thought lingering in your mind as sleep rushed to greet you with the sweet promise of relief from your heartache.

We’ll keep each other alive.

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[absandersons]

Arizona (15x07 Coda)

Pairing: Lee Webb/Dean Winchester

AN: I loved this episode very much and this is very sad I’m sorry

Warnings: Angsty af, breakup fic, mentions of violence

Words: 1231

Read on AO3 here!

Arizona is probably always hot, but in the middle of the summer, when all there is are rough hewn mountains in the distance and heat-baked, deadened shrubs and rocks and sand and cacti dotting the landscape, it was like hell on earth.  But fortunately for Dean and Lee, hell on earth is a small price to pay for freedom to hunt on their own. 

Dean doesn’t even know what they’re hunting.  Lee had said there was something in this area, some creature was tearing its vics to shreds, and so he and Dean had hopped in Lee’s shitty pickup truck, telling John that they would meet him in Grand Junction in two weeks.

They drive with the windows down, mostly because Lee’s truck didn’t have any air conditioning, but the breeze on the highway was nice, with nothing but blue sky and cracked grey asphalt in front of them.  They sing through every cassette tape Lee has, until their throats are raw from singing and laughing.

The heat sears their necks as they walk from the truck to their shitty hotel room, paid for with hustled pool money, collapsing on the beds and turning the little AC unit so low that it rattled persistently, liable to break at any second.

“I don’t want to leave this room,” Dean sighs, sprawled out on the bed with his shirt hiked up, the hot skin of his back resting on the cool duvet.

“Then how’re we gonna catch this fucker?” Lee asks, staring at him from in front of the TV, where he’s trying his damndest to get the thing to find a non-staticy channel.

“We’ll have to be like wolves, only hunt at night.”

“Where’d you learn your predators?  Wolves don’t only hunt at night, idiot.”

“Only the cool ones do.”

Lee laughs at that, and Dean grins, letting his eyes close and his head drop back onto the bed.  It had been a long run from Wyoming, the Tetons still etched in his mind.  He and Lee would have to go back there someday, not to hunt, but just to see the mountains, maybe hike them, reach the peak of one of them, stand on top of the world for a minute.

“We takin the night off or what?”

Dean’s eyes open and Lee is standing over him, having given up on their lost cause of a TV, static still buzzing from the tiny screen.

“Got a dud there?”

“Eh, I guess, I got nothing else to give her, she won’t even give me the news.”

“Like you’d watch the news, anyway.”

“I’d rather watch you.”

And Lee has that look on his face, the one that’s soft but hungry, telling Dean what he wants but never pressuring him into it, just like the first night, that night when they were hunting on their own, and had forgotten the monster to get shitfaced, John mercifully catching them when their clothes were on, throwing all their hard-earned whiskey down the drain, but never erasing that night from Dean’s mind. 

He reaches up and balls his fist in Lee’s t-shirt, pulling him down on top of him, and they don’t think about the monster for a while.

They still don’t know the name of the thing they’re hunting, but they think they know what kills it, simple enough, they think.  They stock up on gasoline at the little hardware store on the corner, the old man giving them judgemental eyes the second they walk in the door.  They ignore him, instead they find themselves giggling, Dean, putting Lee in a headlock when Lee points out the hickies on his neck.

Staking out the thing’s lair is where it becomes more complicated, because it’s not a lair, it’s a house.  With a family inside.  And they know that going in too soon is good for nothing but a bail-out call to John and six hours of screaming at them in the car.  So they wait in Lee’s truck, listening to the same cassette tape over and over, humming along in spite of themselves, the music carrying them away, carrying them too far away, so they’re in the back of the truck before they know it, completely forgetting about the creature and the innocent family inside.

It was a mistake.  By the time they kick the door in, the family is shredded, and the creature is curled up on the floor, stomach full to bursting.  Dean cries when he sees the children’s shoes on the floor, because this is their fault, this is all their fault.

They burn the thing, because that’s what their supposed to do, and they make a pact to never tell John what happened.  The hotel doesn’t seem as welcoming anymore, with mussed sheets and empty condom wrappers nothing but a reminder of what they had just caused.  Lee stands in the doorway, hands against the frame, refusing to take a step into the room.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Dean.”

“What do you mean?”

“That one.  What we found, what that thing did, those kids, man.  I, I think I need a break.”

“Okay, okay.  Let’s take a break then.  I’ll call dad, tell him we’ll meet him at the next stop.”

Lee looks at the ground, the smile on his face more sad than anything else, and Dean’s head knows what’s coming, but his heart hasn’t caught up yet.

“I think it just needs to be me.  I need some time.”

Dean stops breathing.

“Away from me?”

Lee sighs, looking away from Dean, when normally he couldn’t look away.

“I guess.”

“What am I supposed to do without you?”

Lee still won’t look at him, even though Dean is fighting to meet his eyes, because if they just locked eyes, if they just saw each other, Dean could convince Lee to not do this.  Don’t do this.  Don’t do this.

Don’t do this.

“I’m sorry.”

Lee leaves Dean to hitchhike to Grand Junction, and he leaves the sun-baked earth behind him, pressing his face to the window of the truck he’s in, half hoping he’ll see Lee’s truck pull up next to them, that this is all a dream, that it isn’t real.  Because it can’t be real.

John sees the look on Dean’s face when he gets to their meeting place, and he doesn’t ask questions.  They move on, erasing Lee Webb from John’s contacts.  Dean never mentions him again, because some loves like that are just too painful to lose, and even more painful to think of later. 

In the years that followed, Dean only allowed himself to think about Lee in the dead of night, when John was off drunk somewhere, when Sam was dead asleep, or when he was alone in the Bunker.  He would think of his too long hair in his face, his clear blue eyes, the way he sounded when he cracked a high note in a song, how his lips felt against Dean’s.  These thoughts would only deepen the ache, but the ache made him feel alive, reminded him of his biggest mistake and his biggest regret.

Lee Webb’s eyes never left him, not for the rest of his life, and every time he sang too loud in the car, it was almost like he was there with him, hot wind hitting their faces, Arizona promising freedom, promising everything.

[destiel-love-forever]

15.3 Thoughts

Damn... 

This episode was really well done, but it destroyed me. I still haven’t fully processed, but I figured I needed to get myself in gear and at least try to put out some thoughts/write a CODA. 

Here are the things I liked (& my feelings didn’t mind):

Bel looking like a surly, bored teenager with his sighs/yawns/etc. in the background all the time. 

Rowena’s GORGEOUS dress

The mention of Lilith: I thought it was pretty cool that something from so early on was factoring back in. 

Dean calling Chuck a glorified fan boy 

When Jack said “that’s the longest you’ve ever looked me in the eyes” and Cas says “you don’t have eyes”: I giggled. 

Cas just shoving Bel down the rupture

Dean’s R.I.P. Hedwig

Bel explaining Cas’ anger to his demon friend - “Yeah, he’s really on edge”

CAS SINGING

Bel’s “Great timing, right, because I heard there was a vacancy” when telling Cas he’ll be the new God

Yaaay the bunker! I’ve missed you, bunker <3 

Here are things I liked (but hit me right in the feels... hard)

Ketch’s redemption: ‘Not at any price’ - FINALLY showing his loyalty. Then getting his damn heart ripped out like the writers ripped ours out </3

Cas beating the crap out of Bel & then smiting him 

Yes, I know it was awful that he had to do that to Jack, but it was still satisfying. However, that shot of Cas on his knees afterward, looking so scared and lost and sad, killed me. He was so devastated. 

The whole Rowena thing. As awful as it is to say, her death got to be pretty damn epic (I mean... that dress alone, am I right?). Plus, the whole prophecy/magic thing coming into play with Sam being the one to kill her. 

I cried like a baby hen she gripped Sam’s chin and said ‘that’s my boy’. UGH. 

The boys back at the bunker, Dean pointing out that they finally won/beat Chuck (obviously they haven’t, but they don’t know that) and both boys are so emotionally wrecked that neither even look happy or relieved about this. 

Things I 100% hated (& won’t forgive Dean Winchester for in a long, long time)

Dean nominating Cas to go to hell 

Using the ‘you’ve been to hell before’ excuse and Cas giving him that look of betrayal, because YES, DEAN I WENT TO HELL TO SAVE YOU. && then Cas’ small little, ‘Well, looks like I don’t have a choice’ & Dean ROLLING HIS EYES and barking, “Good.” Just... what an asshole. Since when do they EVER volunteer each other for dangerous jobs? That’s hell. He has no idea if Cas will be able to even get back in time. 

Bel pointing out twice that Cas’ friends/so called ‘family’ don’t care about him

First, when he pointed out that his friends may never see him again. ‘Funny, but they didn’t seem to think twice about it’

Second, when they’re down in hell and Cas tells Bel that the boys are just using him. Bel throws that truth bomb out, saying Cas learned that from experience, and the look of pure GRIEF on Cas’ face hurts... It hurts so bad. 

DEAN JUST TOSSING THAT FUCKING BOMB IN, NOT CARING THAT CAS IS STUCK DOWN THERE

And then Cas showing up, and instead of Dean being at all relieved, he’s just pissed, biting his head off.

THAT WHOLE FUCKING SCENE AT THE END WITH DEAN/CAS. 

The way Dean looks over at Cas, slowly looking over at him when he asks about Sam, then sauntering over to him. And that awkward finger tap on the table that he always does when he doesn’t want to talk about something serious. 

Dean raising his voice at Cas, not even caring or listening to him (but what’s new, right?)

When Cas says the thing about plans changing, ‘something always goes wrong’ and you can hear the strain in Cas’ voice, he’s close to crying, and there’s this tremble, this crack, to his words. & Dean’s been avoiding eye contact for DAYS but chooses this moment to stare Cas straight in the eye so he can look at him when he asks, ‘Yeah, and why does that something always seem to be you?’

UGH and that look Cas gets after this. He’s always worried about not being good enough for them. He’s always been so hard on himself. And there Dean goes, confirming his worst fear. 

& Dean KNOWS how much he hurt Cas, because he has to look away from Cas. And Cas looks off to the side, and his chin trembles, and he looks SO DAMN CLOSE to crying.

Cas looking so defeated. “You used to trust me, used to give me the benefit of the doubt” and laughs at himself. “Now you can barely look at me” & Dean being an ASS and staring him down, that mask Dean wears so well firmly in place.

“My powers are failing, and I’ve tried to talk to you, over and over and you just don’t want to hear it, you don’t care, I’m dead to you” AND DEAN ROLLS HIS EYES. And he doesn’t correct Cas, and he nods when Cas says he still blames him, still unable to look at him.

& side note, Cas probably tried telling Dean that his powers are failing at the end of ep. 1 when Dean asked if he was okay, and he says, “Yes, but-” and Dean cut him off, not caring. 

& then Cas does that little head nod as he processes that this is really happening, Dean doesn’t even care about him, doesn’t even try to tell him he’s wrong, doesn’t argue that Cas is dead to him. 

Then Cas forces himself to look up, to look at Dean even though he’s clearly a breath away from breaking, and says, “Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say” & continues to stare at him for a few seconds, just BEGGING for Dean to say something. Anything. Needing Dean to LOOK at him. To STOP him. An then he turns away. 

& Dean (A.K.A. the asshole) asks (in an angry voice, which he doesn’t really have a right to have) “Where you going?”

And Cas looking so defeated. Feeling worthless. Because Dean doesn’t need him. Dean doesn’t want him. 

And Cas says, “I think it’s time for me to move on” and he darts his eyes around before finally looking at Dean, and Dean’s looking back at him confused and hurt and still angry AND IF YOU PAY ATTENTION, DEAN’S HOLDING HIS FUCKING BREATH RIGHT NOW. 

& the way Dean stares down at the floor as he processes this, face crumpling, eyes darting around, his mind clearly sending off alarms ‘no, no, that’s not what’s supposed to happen’ and then he does that final glance up, almost like he’s checking to see if this is really happening, if Cas is really going to leave him, hoping he turns around, but Cas leaves, and Dean’s left to just sit there, frozen as Cas slams the bunker door. 

OH I’M SORRY, IS THAT ME SOBBING LIKE A BABY WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SCREAMING AT DEAN IN WHITE HOT ANGER. 

*** I just want to add that even if you don’t ship Destiel, Dean Winchester’s behavior in this episode (hell, this season) is 100% unacceptable. Whether he sees Cas as a lover, a best friend, a brother, whatever, this treatment is wrong. It’s really wrong. It’s abusive and cruel and I could go on but I won’t because I’ve honestly been sick over this. Castiel deserves so much better. So so so much better. 

       **   You can read the CODA I wrote for this episode on Tumblr: HERE && AO3: HERE