#esp bc i feel awful a lot of the time bc of mental health problems

[ggumjjun]

sorry this is so random or whatever but really, thank u for reading my shitty writing and even if u don’t leave feedback or anything, just knowing someone took time to read something i wrote is so crazy

so thank u for reading smth i put time into haha

[drpeppertummy]

it's not just a want but a NEED. a lusty, dusty desire I have for Dark Sunny Lore

You Sicko . The Dark Sunny Lore [warning for illness death suicide self harm child abuse/neglect etc]

his dad never wanted him bc he only wanted 3 kids & sunny was an accidental #4. was always very open about not wanting him bc hes a shitty old bitch

additionally sunny was sick all the time & frequently in the hospital (asthma + other respiratory ailments) & dad was resentful bc he never wanted this sick kid taking up all his time & money

his mom was super loving & wonderful but she died when he was like 12. she died from some kind of respiratory situation & the question of Was It His Fault And Will It Kill Him Too is always in the back of his mind

not long after mom died his dad tried to passively let him die too by refusing to take him to the hospital when he was really sick. his sister giuliana finally took him after coming home from school one day & seeing how awful he looked

was good about being in the hospital as a kid & was always like the nurses little darling bc he was such a sweetie but now has a medical phobia bc in his brain its associated with all that misery & pain & fear

outside of his home life pretty much everyone always liked him & he always had a lot of friends & was popular etc but nothing ever made up for the damage his dad did to him mentally

he knows people like him on a superficial level bc he knows hes cute & charismatic on a superficial level but hes scared that if people get close to him theyll realize hes just annoying & hate him

secretly terrified that his friends hate him & are just tolerating him

prone to bouts of depression, often spirals into a terrible mental state if he stays up late. Night Brain hits hard esp when its mixed with rsd

when he was in college he tried to kill himself by taking a bunch of random medications with a bunch of vodka & it made him sick & knocked him out for a while but miraculously didnt kill him

he woke up in the same spot he left himself in & realized nobody found him or noticed & therefore nobody could care. wanted to tell someone so bad bc he Needed somebody to care & hug him & say they were glad he was alive but he was scared to bc he thought theyd get mad at him or think he was too much or not care since he was "fine" so he just peeled himself off the floor took a shower & went to class like nothing happened. his professor scolded him for coming in hungover

(he eventually told gray about it years later & gray held him & gave him that years-awaited love & care & it was like a soul-healing moment for him)

(gray knows more about him than anybody & he worries about him a lot & sunny feels bad for worrying him but he also appreciates that grays always there for him)

as a kid he would bite himself a lot if he was upset/frustrated/overstimulated & he still does sometimes but only when hes alone. its almost like a reflex & if anyone saw hed be mortified

once in a while tho he like actually cuts himself. if someone asks what happened he gives some absurd excuse like "i got mauled by a bear" & refuses to elaborate bc hes scared & ashamed

hes trying to get better but he almost certainly will attempt suicide again someday. he wont succeed but he Will be so so terrified that his friends are gonna be mad at him for it when he comes to (spoiler: they wont be mad at him)

apart from gray his friends dont know the extent of his mental health problems bc he tries to keep it to himself bc he doesnt wanna worry them & bc hes ashamed & afraid they wont want him anymore. the most they really see of it is him being moody sometimes

once in a while somebody will see him break down over something & they know his dad sucks & they know he misses his mom & they can piece together that hes gotta be hurting but hes usually so bouncy & bubbly & cheery that they dont realize how bad it is

[mementofloreo-archived]

//vent post but it's under a cut- I just need to Unload a little abt life in general so no need to read this or anything, esp if mental health talk would be stressful for u-

hi im exhausted and so weary of being alive and having to trudge through every day :')

at this point we know that staying here at our current home isn't a healthy option even with mold remediation. And yet, we also know now that we can't even afford the mobile home move option bc while the home itself is within budget, lot rental fees are absolutely NOT.

so.

we can't(or at least shouldn't) stay here if we want mom's health to ever improve again. but we don't have any other options.

my physical health problems are also multiplying, but I'm so stressed and high strung that even the THOUGHT of making the calls I need to make for scheduling appointments(orthopedics, therapy, dentist, ear/nose/throat clinic, emailing my doctor bc my sprained ankle is getting worse again and never fully recovered-)

My hygeine is suffering, my self care is suffering, I'm having trouble remembering to take my medications, at this point every day just feels more painful and burdensome than the last. Even when I'm able to sleep I've been waking up crying from stress nightmares on occasion.

I don't have any energy left to even fight against all the awful thoughts I'm having either. The self loathing, the 'everyone hates you and wants you gone', the weirdly Non-Specific terror/fear of being alone or forgotten or left behind or grown out of or-

everything is just. it's too much. and idc if it's death or sleep or any other thing i just desperately, desperately want/need a way out now. i just want it to stop. i want to stop being in pain all the time. i want my life to stop being one traumatic trainwreck after another, because that's really all it's ever been, and if the only hallmark of my existence here is going to be pain, suffering, enduring abuse, being completely alone and unwanted and unneeded, why the fuck was I born? I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to exist.

i don't have a wrap up comment I Just. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

[advice4smartgirls]

Ive never had any problem with my weight bc I've always been thin? Like I eat okay ish and I exercise and it's never really been a concern. In the past couple weeks I just gained some weight esp in my stomach and it's making me feel awful about myself? Like I've cut back on eating a lot and I eat healthier and I exercise more and it's not doing anything? I'm kind of worried bc I never really noticed how much my self worth tied into my appearance until I felt bad abt it and idk how to lose weight

Hi! A lot of people struggle with having their self esteem strongly tied to their appearance or weight, so you’re definitely not alone. It’s a hard association to break, and it does take a lot of work. Re-wiring how you think of yourself isn’t something that you should totally go alone, I really recommend talking to a friend, family member, or even a counselor about this. 

Self-acceptance can be really hard. Set aside time just for yourself every day if you can, and start to work through some of the negative thoughts you have. Do you think your legs are too big? Remind yourself that they’re strong, and healthy, and can carry you for miles. You gained a little weight in your mid section? It’s ok! Remember that your weight will fluctuate as you grow, for your entire life. Stomach weight is natural, it’s there to protect your organs! As long as you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about. If you recently gained weight, it will take a little while to come off. Keep working at it, stay healthy, and pay attention to your mental health as you go through it. Best of luck!

claire :-)