#especially since i hate what im studying so i can at least have one hobby

[ggumjjun]

sorry this is so random or whatever but really, thank u for reading my shitty writing and even if u don’t leave feedback or anything, just knowing someone took time to read something i wrote is so crazy

so thank u for reading smth i put time into haha

[miekasa]

Mie, I’m begging for some Jean college au bf hcs - im literally so down bad for this man and the way you write men is just 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

Absolutely, not a problem 😌 I saved this ask as a draft a while ago when you sent it, sorry for just now getting to it. Anyway, I love Jean with my whole heart, best boy, best boyfriend <33

King of forehead kisses, and not even just because of his height in comparison to yours; he just likes it. He likes the feeling of pressing his lips against your skin, and making you feel safe.

Brings you tea or coffee however you like it every day without fail. If he can get it to you in the morning before work/school then he’ll do that, if not he’ll meet you some time in the middle of the day to drop it off. Your own personal courier just for drinks.

He… has a thing for long(er) nails. He loves the feeling of them against his skin, even if you’re not scratching to apply pressure—just you holding his hand them grazing his skin is enough for him.

That being said, he will pay for you to get your nails done. Actually, he’ll pay for… almost anything you want, but the nails benefit him as much as they do you so feel free to ball out.

He never blowdries his hair because he doesn’t... know how to do the back of it. You did it for him once and he hasn’t stopped thinking about it since, but he’s also too embarrassed to ask you to do/style it again.

On the subject of hair, he does do his best to style it and take care of it, but he’s a sucker whenever you play with it. Sometimes he feigns like you’re messing up all his hard work, but he’ll literally crane his head into your touch. He loves it. 

The first time he lays on top of you and you run your hands through his hair... top 10 most euphoric moments of his life. He tries to fight off the sleep threatening to take over him, but it’s futile. Give it 15 minutes at most before he’s knocked out like a baby. 

Dogs love him. Anytime you’re in a park or just taking a walk and there’s a dog around, it’ll come up to him and he looks adorable leaning down to pet it. He loves dogs, too! So he’s always happy to stop and pet them. He’d be a 10/10 dog dad. 

Has your name saved in his phone with two hearts at the end. Do not point it out.

Loves taking pictures together and if you guys are on a date, he’ll ask someone to get a picture for him. He just likes having them to look back on (and to send to his mom, later).

He doesn’t mind painting classes or videos or tutorials, but he hates paint by numbers kits. He claims that they have no sense of color theory and that it takes the originality and fun out of painting. Not to mention the quality of the paints isn’t great to begin with; all of which he takes very seriously.

It’s pretty cute actually, to see him get worked up over the paint kits. He claims that painting and drawing isn’t even something he takes “that seriously,” it’s just a hobby for him (one he’s insanely good at); but in moments like these, you can tell that he’s way more into art and art theory and history than he lets on. 

Huge movie guy, from animated movies to martial arts movies, Jean is usually willingly to give anything a watch at least once. When he’s high, he can go on about his favorite directors and art styles and movie details for hours if you don’t stop him. It’s super cute. Just don’t bring up Moana, because he’ll start crying. 

Arm around the shoulder kind of boyfriend for sure. It’s a casual way of keeping you near him and letting everyone know that you guys are together. Plus it allows for him to easily pull you into him for a quick forehead kiss when needed.

Listen. If you hug his arm, he’s on cloud nine. He tries to be nonchalant about it but he’s about three seconds away from his eyes rolling back in his head it feels that good to him. Bonus if you lean your head on his bicep a little—then he’s a goner.

He takes his bagels very seriously and believes that both you and him deserve nothing but the best quality bagels. He’ll grumble if a bakery gives you guys a less than favorable one and make a note that taking the long route to get to his favorite place is much more worth it.

Always makes you walk on the side furthest from the cars. If he notices you’re not, he’ll just shuffle behind you until he’s shouldering the street and you’re on the inside. 

He grew up on a kind of modern ranch situation; not exactly all the way in the countryside, but not isolate from the city, either. Because of this, he knows how to ride horses, take care of smaller farm animals, tend to plants, and yes he knows how to use a lasso. You wouldn’t know any of that though, because he never ever talks about it. The only way you find out is when he takes you to visit his mom’s house for the first time, and she asks him for a hand around the place. 

(He’s got a cowboy hat, too, but refuses to put it on. He got it when he was, like, nine, okay, leave him alone). 

When he thinks you look tired, he’ll wrap his arms around your shoulders to hug you. It’s usually followed up with a kiss to your head, and a promise that you guys will go home soon and get food on the way. 

He’s a really good cook. He just understands and flavors and pairings really well, so he doesn’t need a recipe to make something that tastes good; he just kind of knows what to add to get the balance he’s looking for. 

Naturally, he’ll cook for you. Especially if he finds out that you haven’t eaten all day/in a long time. He doesn’t care if it’s 11pm and it might seem excessive to make steak and potatoes with a side salad at this hour, he’s gonna do it to make sure you eat, and you are going to sit there and watch. 

He also bakes pretty well, though he isn’t as experimental with his baking as he is with his cooking. He usually sticks to what he knows, and it’s not cupcakes and brownies and cakes; he’s better at croissants, and cheesecakes, and canelés. 

Dating Jean means getting along with his friends. If you guys didn’t know each other before you started dating, be prepared to be ambushed by Connie and Sasha (after Jean stops hiding you away and gives them the green light lmfao). Neither of them waste time with the small talk and formalities; straight into mini golfing and beer pong. They make you feel welcome right away.

Sasha always teases that you’re too good for Jean, and that she might just steal you away for herself some day. Sasha is also Jean’s main confidant, so she really knows just how much he loves you, and yeah, she teases him for being lovesick, but really she’s happy for Jean. And proud of him for facing his feelings like this. 

Connie adores you, and you know he trusts you when he starts going to you for advice/help. Could be anything from schoolwork, to what color he should get his new shoes in. He’s also the one who, surprisingly, you have the sentimental talks with about your relationship with Jean. It’s easy to overlook, but Connie loves Jean, and he’s come to love you too; he just wants you both to be happy, so he’s there to listen when you need it. 

Jean waits outside of your classroom after you’ve had a test or presentation, usually with a drink or a snack, or the promise of taking you out as a treat. Always tells you he’s proud of you, and is there to comfort you if you think you didn’t do too well. 

He does not shut up about whatever major you’re in. It could be the same as his; it could be the complete opposite as his. He thinks it’s so sick that you’re doing it, you make it look cooler, you make it look better, and he’s certain you’re the smartest person in your program. 

He’s pretty serious about his studies, too, so he’s always down to study with you in the library whenever you’re both free. More often than not, he shows up after you, usually with food or extra chargers. He greets you with a kiss on the forehead, and asks you how you are while massaging your shoulders gently. If it’s been a while since you took a break, that’s the first item on the list, after that, he gets to work and stays with you until you’re ready to go, even if he doesn’t have as much work to do. 

He always sits across from you. This goes for when you’re in the library, or out to eat at a restaurant; Jean loves sitting across from you. He gets to see your face the best that way, and he adores looking into your eyes when you talk. 

He’s not... not a morning person. He’s not up at 6am ready to grind, but he wakes up before noon; let’s say 10am is his happy medium. That being said, if you wake up before him, regardless of the time, there’s a 9/10 chance he’ll lay on your back and tell you to hush so you guys can sleep for 10 more minutes. 

If you’re (close) friends with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, Jean is... happy you’ve got people to rely on, but, “Of all people on the planet, you put your trust in Jaeger?” He acts so bitter (because he is), but deep down inside, he’s glad you have Eren to rely on if you need to. 

(Also, you have to humble him and remind him that he and Eren aren’t all that different. If you like him, why wouldn’t you get along with Eren, bye). 

Turns out though, that it’s not Eren who threatens to beat him up if he breaks your heart. It’s not even Mikasa, although, her threat goes without saying; it’s Armin he’s terrified of.

The last time Armin hated someone, it was this guy in your program, who happened to share a few mutual classes with him, too. Jean never knew the full story, just that he’s pretty sure that kid dropped out the following semester. 

If you have a job on campus, Jean usually doesn’t show up while you’re working (knowing how embarrassed he would be if you did that to him), unless you work the night shift and it’s dead. Connie, however, does show up; usually in some kind of crisis (“Please help me, I don’t know what the fuck APA formatting is and this is due tonight, please, please, please!!”). Your coworkers actually thought Connie was your boyfriend for a minute. That’s when Jean starts showing up more lmfao.

He makes it a point to go on a scheduled, night out, kind of date at least twice a month. He knows life gets busy with school and work and midterms, but he always makes sure you both set side a time to take a well-deserved break and be with each other. 

He’s the romantic type, so these dates are pretty swoon worthy, too. Drive-in movies, nice dinners, classy art exhibits, Jean plans it all. On that note, he really likes planning dates; he just doesn’t like talking about them with his friends beforehand. 

All in all, very romantic, very precious boyfriend. He’s always thinking about you, what you need, and how he can help you out. You’re one of his main priorities, and he just wants to treat you right. 

[tottymatsuno]

Pink Angel From Hell Chapter 2: The Return

Author: Roro (halfeviltotty)

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Todomatsu x reader

Category: romance, host au, character study

Rating: T ig bc i havent actually written anything nsfw yet

Summary: going back for more

Word count: i gotta take this question out. you'll see when its done.

Warnings: hes mean, ladies. based off of the drama cd. watch it or dont say nothing. its in the first chapter and is required reading.

Commentary: i dont feel like doing a ton so heres another upload. pretend these uploads are my broadcast version and when i fix them in post to upload them on ao3 those are the bluray releases. im so fucking sleepy

"Y/N-chan." Nishimura calls you out when classes are over, and casually confesses his affections for you while the two of you walk together. It's a quick yet not so half hearted affair as you'd like to think.

"Please give me time to answer…" You say already regretting not rejecting him up front. It's not that he's mean or cold or anything wrong with him. In fact there's nothing wrong with him as far as you can tell. You’re just infatuated with Todomatsu as embarrassing as that might be.

Your mind races back to the piece of candy Todomatsu left in your closed palm that night and already aware you've got it bad.

It really sucks and the thought has you sighing and nearly crying all day. Why couldn't he be as cute and flirty as Totty as he likes to be called? Why do you hate conflict so much? Can't you say no to anybody?!

It's already been a few days since you met Todomatsu and you're craving that sugary attention again. Your mind wanders to how his hands might feel, especially when you think about those big brown bedroom eyes he gave you when you fixed your skirt.

The following few days have been filled with thoughts on Todomatsu. You have to see him again, you absolutely know that for fact. But...how pathetic are you to be so infatuated with someone who you have to pay to like you?

Argh!! It's just too confusing!! Why did Todomatsu have to be so dang ole cute?! You think almost angry at yourself. Why couldn't you have met him in normal circumstances?! What school does he go to, what are his hobbies, what do you have in common other than...than WHAT?!

Today.

You need to see him Today. Well actually you've needed to see him since yesterday but you've been stubborn.

The curiosity and urgency causes you to nearly dash to your car. You need to know more about him or you will surely wither away like an old Victorian white woman from the consumption.

It's not a far drive from your school or at least doesn't feel like one when you park your car. You survey your outfit, check your hair and reapply your lipgloss to make sure you look your absolute best as you exit your vehicle.

You enter and instantly feel out of place by yourself. Oh Goooddd, you plead to yourself, what if he isn't here?!

In another flash and a lot of ushering you manage to say you're here for Todomatsu. Which is a surprise to everyone, "Not Karamatsu-kun?" they asked.

Your eyes trailed from the corner of the room along an overjoyed and skipping Todomatsu with the most angelic blush on his delicate cheeks.

He seemed to be cheering up until his eyes met yours. Todomatsu slyly winks at you, before metering his excitable expression. Instead he waves and then all at once with your eyes never leaving his, Todomatsu is in front of you. He slides into the seat next to you gracefully.

"You miss me?" Todomatsu asks syrupy sweet. YES! Of course!!

Instead you awkwardly giggle, finally averting your eyes. "Hah...you could say that…" You mutter.

"I missed you too, Y/N-chan." Todomatsu says sincerely.

"Really? Please don't say that…" You blush, covering up your hot face.

"Ehh, why not Y/N-chan! It's true." Todomatsu cutely protests.

“If you say it like that, I’ll really believe it." Your mind, heart and other assorted parts are all in agreement that you should believe him, even for different reasons. Your mind cynically reminds you that he's being paid to say that.

"It is though," Todomatsu's hand grazes yours as he settles in with the menu. He placed it on the table and gestures for you to pick it up.

“What drink should we start off with?” Todomatsu begins right as your brain commences its tirade of bitterness.

Your eyes scan the menu, you see a reasonably priced drink and… WOW that's a high alcohol content! You ended up pointing out another drink that had less of a percent but was also more expensive.

Todomatsu all but snatches the menu away to point out more expensive drinks. “What about this one, Y/N-chan? It tastes better, and is more suited for a cute girl like you!”

You laugh nervously, you've always been the sort who is up-sold. “This one sounds better to me though, Totty.” You say avoiding the much more expensive drink.

Todomatsu scoffs under his breath which you find rude until he then looks at you dead in the eyes and says, “I'm just glad you're drinking tonight, last time you didn't seem to be enjoying yourself very much with your friends. I want to make you as comfortable as possible, so order what you like!”

His fakeness astounds you, and you find yourself feeling something mixed. On one hand, his words were honeyed and sweet, on the other his little scoff has you feeling some type of way.

He even winks at you. Of course you swoon, of course! That settles the animosity that was growing in your mind, Todomatsu isn't rude after all!

Todomatsu’s charms start out the gate with your heart racing. Soon after ordering your drinks, Todomatsu turns all his attention onto your hair. “Your hair is so gorgeous, you must put a lot of work into maintaining it.”

It's not the first time somebody has complimented your hair, but it's the first time Todomatsu has so it's special.

“Your eyes are also lovely, and you have such a feminine physique. Ahh, I really like you. You're really cute!”

Once he has you hooked in with the flirtation and praise Todomatsu flips a switch and gets down to business. Suddenly you're being bombarded with things on a menu, and it's going too fast to deflect each request he puts on your already thin wallet.

"Why not try the short cake? Also you need another drink to wash it down with, right?" Todomatsu has you feeling obligated to buy everything on the menu. If you do though you'll be in so much debt!

Thinking about the money situation, Todomatsu lays the charms on thick and heavy.

"Ahh, Y/N-chan! You're so cute when you drink. Look at those flushed cheeks, you must really like drinking with me huh? You handle your drinks well, but be careful or you'll become like an old man."

You giggle at this, once again incrementally calming down in Todomatsu’s company.

“I know a secret spell to make you more relaxed than this though, ” Todomatsu suddenly begins after noticing how nervous you still are from his demeanor. “What is it?” You ask humbly almost ready for anything that could make this go even smoother. Please, anything to make him like you! BUT cheaply!!

“Say 'I want champagne!’ and you'll become a princess!” Todomatsu claps his hands at the end of his exclamation, eyes twinkling with expectation.

Your face falls, you scoot a little away from him and you can't hide your discomfort by the words. You know what the champagne command means and you also know you can't afford it. The fact that he's trying to gauge you for every penny you have completely ruins any fantasy you had of his character.

“Um, Totty…” You start off with, not really feeling this or him too much anymore, “Yes, Y/N-chan? The words are, 'I want champagne.’” He urges you again. Todomatsu is waiting almost impatiently for you to say the words.

Just as you were about to end whatever relationship or transaction you were having with Todomatsu, his older brother shows up to your table with a disappointed glower.

“Todomatsu.” Karamatsu starts a more serious voice than you've ever heard from him before. “Your eagerness is making her uncomfortable, you look more like a salesman than a host right now.”

Karamatsu scolds him, and you feel relief that somebody pointed it out. Instead of looking at the situation critically, Todomatsu begins to whine.

“Ehh? Are you serious, Karamatsu-niisan?”

“Look at how uncomfortable she looks.” Karamatsu jerks his head to your direction.

Todomatsu turns to you with those impossibly big doe eyes and asks, “Are you uncomfortable, Y/N-chan? Was I really pushing too hard?”

Taking a page from Chiyo’s book you down the liquid courage before answering. “Um...you were coming off a tinesy bit strong, Totty…”

Todomatsu looks mortified by your small admission, especially when Karamatsu verbally agrees.

“You have a lot to learn still, but the most important thing is be yourself and not to try so hard, Todomatsu.” Karamatsu walks off in a manner even you think is cool even though he's not your type in the least.

“I think Karamatsu-niisan is right. Maybe I should just relax…” Todomatsu slumps in his seat, throwing an arm around your shoulder.

“Say, Y/N-chan. Why do all the girls favor Karamatsu-niisan? What's he got that I don't have? I’m way cuter than him, right?”

Todomatsu aggressively whines, taking a swig out of his own drink with his free hand. His cheeks flush and the bitter expression on his face could be from the alcohol or from his own sorry feelings.

When you don't answer right away, Todomatsu sighs. “At least you chose me. Let's start over Y/N-chan.”

“Can I say something before we start over?” You ask in a small voice.

Todomatsu sucks in a breath, clearly readying himself for the worst case scenario. “You don't want to switch to Karamatsu-niisan, do you?”

“No thanks.” At your words Todomatsu sighs in relief. “What is it then?” Todomatsu tilts his head so suddenly he's invading your personal space in a much broader way. If you bent your head down just slightly the two of your lips would touch.

“I-I…!” You instantly turn away from him, unable to face the music and tell him how you feel. COWARD!! You mentally scold yourself, is there anyone out there a bigger chicken than you?!

“Ne, talk to me...what'd you want to say?”

You steel yourself for the admission you're about to make.

“I like you, Totty. I think you're the cute one. I don't know why you aren't more popular, but I’ll always support you. I just don't like being upsold like this, I want to have a good time with you...but not have to go into debt to do it. Do you understand? I want you to like me too."

Even if only in a financial context you inwardly sigh.

Only because he looks so damn cute right now! Anyone else you would've left high and dry and never returned, but Todomatsu has a clutch on your heart like none other. How did that even happen?

“Really?” Todomatsu asks in the most open and vulnerable voice you've heard from him yet.

“Of course.” You say with a deep conviction. To simply put it, because you like him. There's an attraction towards Todomatsu you've only felt towards 2D characters.

Todomatsu's pretty kitty mouth slips into a sweet grin. He moves even closer into your personal space, and whispers almost kindly in your ears, “You really are cute, Y/N-chan. I think I just might fall for you. “ His lips do graze your ear lightly, you try your hardest not to verbally acknowledge the feelings this stirs in you.

“Wh-why don't we drink something!”

“Okay!” Todomatsu cheers, moving away from your tingling ear.

After removing himself from your bubble, you only manage to get three more drinks in before your low tolerance gets the better of you.

Your scheduled amount of time is up, you're drunk and not only that; Todomatsu was just called to help his twin with a returning party. Since you didn't spend a competing amount to keep Todomatsu in your company bye-bye he goes!

Todomatsu hics and giggles loudly as you try to stumble out of the seat to finally leave.

You call Chiyo to pick you up since even though she's quiet, she's a good driver. Plus she only lived two train stops away.

When Chiyo comes to get you, inevitably gush about Todomatsu until she tells you, “Watch out for him. He's a snake, and pay attention to how he acts when you have no money.”

This causes you to quiet down and drunkenly reflect on her warning.

In that moment you decide to disregard it, because as Karamatsu said the first time you all met, “The gears of fate are turning in our love's favor.” You know this will work out!

[slasherbastard]

Hihi!

Could I get a male slasher matchup? If you don’t mind <3

I’m an enby and go by they/them!

I’m pretty pale and 5’7 with a normal frame, kinda muscular too! I have blue eyes with short ginger-brown hair. I have a small almost non existent scar under my left eye that im self-conscious about ugh.

My hobbies are candle making, skateboarding, photography, listening to music, and cooking/baking, I also play the piano and violin!

I don’t really talk to people I meet immediately, I’d rather listen to them talk first and get to know them by observing. Once I’m comfy I’ll talk for hours on things that interest me like horror and true crime (forensics student heck yeah). I can be humorous when I want, mostly teasing my friends playfully. I get anxious easily when I feel overwhelmed either with work or being around large crowds. I’m very friendly and caring, always there for the people I care about. Very empathetic too, I can understand anyone’s situation even if I haven’t lived through it myself. I’m more of an animal person than a people person, my dogs get all my love lmao. I’m not really scared of anything, only being alone hfhhghv I’m touch starved for sure, I’ll take any affection and cry about it while melting. Overall I’m very friendly, most people dont realize because i’ll rarely speak a full sentence.

Thank you for your time, I hope you have a nice day / night! Take your time <3 I love your work 🥺👉👈

Thank you! And sorry this took me forever but finally I've paired you with

(gif credit: bloody-hearts-lane)

Mr. Vincent Sinclair!

First off, the two of you have a lot of things in common! Candle making is one of Vince's favourite past times when there aren't any victims around, he likes that you can play violin and will no doubt ask you to play him something if you're okay with it. Apart from that you're both also shy and touch starved people, Vincent needs just as much love as he can give you.  He loves having you around since it's nice to have someone around who loves and cares for him on a more personal level, especially since the last person who loved him unconditionally was his mother. Vincent's love language is gift giving in the form of art so he'll draw you or sculpt things for you that he thinks would interest you.

Vincent loves a lot about you. From insecurities to the random habits you have, he pays a lot more attention to you than you'd think. Whether it's the scars you hate or the face you pull when you're in a really deep state of focus, he can't help but smile under that wax mask of his. Call him cliché but he wishes you saw him the way he saw you. Another thing is your sense of humour. Vince doesn't always understand your jokes but your sense of humour is still a beam of light to him in a way. It brings something positive to such an eerie place like Ambrose.

He doesn't really care if you're not a huge speaker since he's mute as well (or he's not that vocal, at least) but he's a great listener and loves hearing you talk about anything when you're more comfy around him - especially your path of study, he thinks it's interesting. He's also not grossed out by your true crime ramblings since he himself is a killer. Overall he's glad that you're into scary stuff since he knows that you aren't as freaked out by what he does for a living.

You don't have to worry about people - well, at least living people - in Ambrose unless you count Vincent's brothers and the occasional short lived guests. Vincent is a very protective person (especially protective of the people he loves) but if Bo has anything to say about Ambrose's newest couple, he will handle it because nobody is allowed to make fun of you. Vincent is glad you're a dog person because surprise, he has a dog! Jonesey isn't really fond of new people but you might just be an exception. If you spend enough time around him he'll start growing onto you and nearly forgetting about Vincent. Seriously. Imagine it getting to the point where Jonesey won't even bat an eye at Vincent and just come running to you whenever you enter the basement.

[gaycharr]

some tweaks / recapping of Marina’s backstory now that I’ve developed her a bit more:

-im thinking the Renworth name probably is more business than political. think old money and a bunch of old traditional humans. have lots of business connections everywhere and an influential name. your average “rich corporate family who really only care about profit at this point” types

-noble father, i think marina’s mother probably wasn’t a noble though. her mother was her dad’s second wife. family didn’t really like her mom much either, for various reasons (most of which could be chalked up to the family being assholes and pissed off that the dad didn’t marry another noble to further strengthen the name / bloodline)

-older half sister, diff mothers. sister’s mom was a full noble (i think her and the dad had an arranged marriage, but they really did care for each other greatly), but she passed away when Marina’s sister was pretty young (probably 3-5). 

-I think she’s probably about 6-7 years older than Marina? so she might have been off doing school and various other things a lot when Marina was really young, but even so the two are very close and Marina’s sister never hesitates to stand up for her. she kind of relishes arguing with her family. fuck them.

-family favored her sister more and she was the ‘golden child’, but her sister also renounced the family name when Marina was prob about 15 or so and left to go do her own thing and join the Seraphs and stuff b/c she hates the noble culture and tradition of her family. Marina’s sister was always very vocally opinionated and not afraid to argue, but up until then the family had just brushed it off and let themselves believe it was something that she’d grow out of, preferably just in time to settle down and marry.

-they also kind of judge Marina b/c her dad met her mom shortly after his first wife passed away so there was low key lots of rumors and venom about how he MUST have been cheating and what not (the reality is just that shit happens. his wife died and then he met marina’s mom while away on a business thing a few months-a year later and fell in love hard)

-a very smart child. also oddly naive and innocent (its the adhd). when she got old enough to realize that people might perceive her in a negative way it really changed her worldview in a shocking way. before about 8 or so she’d p much always approached everyone openly and happily, ready to bond or talk with anyone. Suddenly aware of the disapproval of others, she becomes really quiet and withdrawn after this and a bit of a people pleaser.

-Marina and her parents actually had a really good relationship. Her mother passed away when she was a young teen I think though? It really affected her, because her and her mother were both one of the few ‘commoners’ to enter into the family and her mom often protected her from family criticism and was basically one of Marina’s best friends. (not that the family is very kind to one another to begin w/ but still)

- ^^ that being said, her father is also v supportive but he’s the oldest son of the current family head so esp after his second wife died and his family started putting more pressure on him following, he wasn’t around very much at all after that (often away on business and what not). like he’s there for his daughters but he’s not there. He’s trying to appease his family and live up to / off his own guilts and shames

-Marina always had a great interest in magic (something her family considers frivolous and unimportant at best and dangerous / evil at worst). When her mom was alive it wasn’t so much an issue, her mom probably argued for her behind the scenes (as well as her sister), and so the worst Marina experienced was probably scoffs and remarks about how it was something she’d move on from. but after her mom passed away the pressure from her family for Marina to take up more ‘useful’ interests / hobbies only increased as time went on. 

-Since her family wasn’t that supportive though she never really got proper schooling on magic at this point, though she did have open access to all kinds of resources, so she was able to do quite a bit of self teaching. didnt often focus on one kind of magic, instead her interest kind of jumps from type to type. consumes information and books at a scary rate

-didn’t have really any friends her age. she was kind of a socially awkward person at this point, so she wasn’t very good at reaching out to her peers. the most peer interaction she probably had was being tutored in the same classes as other noble children. her being a ‘weird’ noble child who sometimes talked too loud or was too eager and had weird interests in magic didn’t make her very popular to begin with as well.

-For a while Marina DID try to be the ideal noble heir for her family after her mother passed. With her dad being the next head of the business, and her oldest sister having revoked the name already, she did have quite a bit of weight on her irt her family now placing their expectations on her shoulder’s instead of her sister’s. They were harder for her to please though because again, they had  favored her sister and already didn’t agree w/ her interests (and after her sister left, they REALLY started being vocal about how anything but doing what the family expects is bad)

-Eventually though, with help from her sister and undercover assistance from her dad (him squirreling away money for her, helping her invest and get her own revenue coming in . . .just in case she upset the family too much or broke away like her sister), she ended up seeking to join the priory even though it angered her family (they didnt agree / understand why she wanted to go research impossible magical things when there was the option to go to a nice business school instead. or maybe even arrange a political business marriage)

-I think she had already had an instant interest in necromancy. Not for any specifically deep reason (though perhaps the early death of her mother contributed subconsciously to her being more into it later on ?). I think she just happened upon a book about it when she was reading random magic tomes as a kid and was just immediately into it. the intricacies and uses are just appealing to her, its  a lot you can puzzle out and work with. 

-Perhaps a part of her was also drawn to it simply because she knew that of all the magic to REALLY take up, necromancy would probably displease her family the most. like adhd rsd is a bitch especially when you’re younger and don’t realize that’s what it is, so she REALLY hated disappointing anyone, especially authority / familial figures. but even so that didn’t stop her from realizing that they were kind of jackass hypocrites and wanting to rebel and do her own thing

-anyways she joins the priory probably when she’s like ? maybe 17-18? at this point she’s probably managed to get some official magical schooling by herself but nothing that deep. Her family name helps her get the attention of the Priory, and a quick proving of her intelligence / aptitude for magic, PLUS the fact she was mostly self taught till now, means she joins rather easily.

-probably a novice in the priory for about a year or two? then she becomes a magister. at this point, with actual teachers and proper resources (not to mention hands on experience), she’s become REALLY good at magic. She’s excelled at necromancy, able to use it with the comfort and ease that belies a lot of study and practice. She’s also well versed in p much all the other schools of magic, at least in theory. Even if she doesn’t know how to actually USE it herself, she has a fair bit of  knowledge on p much all subjects and is always open to learning more about anything.

-her and Sieran were probably bff’s and often got in trouble together. maybe they kissed once ? idk. i need to learn more about Sieran tbh pfff.

-being in the priory and surrounded by others who shared her interest though really helped her bloom from that socially awkward girl who never talked to anyone out of anxiety to a socially awkward girl who loves to socialize anyways and tries not to worry about being a little loud and rambly at times. Even though she doubts herself she really starts to cultivate this natural charisma that just draws other towards her. There’s just something about talking to someone who is as open as Marina is, who isn’t worried about being a little awkward and doesn’t mind some word fumbling from the person she’s talking too, that can really put one at ease.

-she is still connected to her family and still has to deal with them. not sure why she hasn’t left yet, but i think she’s often pondered the idea of taking over her family’s business and turning it into something Good. Either way, i think it’s understandable that even considering it all she’s hesitant to break from her family as her sister did. she still tries to please them, but only enough so that they don’t outright hate her and try to disown her (though it would be hard since her father is the head of the business now and certainly wouldn’t allow that)

[evanthenerd83]

Blood And Ink: The Other Notes

It’s been a while since I last posted an update and the situation hasn’t improved. You guys and girls and ghouls should know why. Even if you just recently found this blog, you’ve probably seen the posts, the photos, and the glitched out text.

It isn’t exactly subtle in its goal. It hasn’t tried to hide from you all. It knows that you’re reading this and won’t stop drawing attention to itself until I do what it wants.

And I’ll get to that later.

So, here I am.

I didn’t use my laptop for a week after reading the second note. I kept it behind the bookshelf, unplugged and turned off. It wasn’t because of the note itself, though. I understood what it meant and while it was definitely unnerving, it didn’t really bother me that much. Something about my stories has inoculated me against real life oddities. Write enough stories featuring the paranormal and you get used to weirdness.

My autism might have helped, too. I tend to adapt easily to a schedule, especially at school, and I will ignore any difference present in the environment.

Of course, I might just be speculating. Or exaggerating. Or lying. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I don’t have a better explanation.

Anyway, it wasn’t the note that unnerved me, but the fact that something had used my laptop without me knowing. That it knew me. My hobby. That it could communicate with me. And that it could leave me notes.

There was also the subject of whether it would leave me another one or not. I had no clue.

What could it do?

Could there be another note waiting for me?

I would stare at the bookshelf and the spine of my laptop. A part of me itched to turn it on while another was screaming at me to take a hammer to it. But I couldn’t really destroy it. Not without getting into trouble at least. My reluctance to satisfy my curiosity grew with each passing day.

I eventually started to make excuses. I had to work. I had to study for the EOCT in Economics. There were too many things I had to do. The week passed by fairly quickly though.

Finally, the break came around and I had no excuse.

The Thing started to move here. When I posted an update explaining how I had been taking a break from writing due to school, several letters were emboldened. They spelled something out. The word “lies”.

I didn’t know how to react to its assertion and decided to ignore it. But someone sent me an anon message. I got the notification on my phone.

“Are you okay?”

Once again, I brushed it off. I lied and said that I was fine.

In fact, I posted a selfie saying so.

A couple of minutes passed before I got another notification. Another anon message.

“What’s with the sickly photo?”

I opened the Tumblr app and came face to face with myself. A selfie that had been distorted to the point where I could make out each and every pimple in crystal clear detail. Shadow clouded. Gray. And underneath it were the words, “IM FiNE Im FIne iM fINe IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE”, accompanied by a few tags.

“I’m fine”.

“Nothing to worry about”.

“Don’t worry about me”.

“Don’t you trust me?”

The Thing was taunting me. It knew that I was lying to you guys and wanted me to be ashamed. And its attempts were working. I felt sick to my stomach.

I was raised in a Christian household and I’ve always been told to tell the truth, lest I’d be damned to Hell. It worked for a while. But as you should already know, I lied about the weird text posts. And I kept on lying.

Another notification. Another anon message asking me about my health, this time a lot more reactionary. Some social justice warrior called me a heartless and disgusting person and threatened to report me to Staff. I assumed that someone who had suffered from depression had read one of my more graphic stories and been offended. I checked my blog.

But when I saw the post, I felt my heart drop into my lower intestine. The Thing hadn’t posted a picture. It had posted some text. I braced myself for what I could only assume was a demand.

It was worse than that.

“i did it. i opened my skin for the first time and it was excruciating. but it was also fun. pulling out my Bones and severing veins and siLencing my screaming nerves. this must be hOw he feels. this is wrOng though. i shoulDn’t be hurting myself for such An occasioN, no matter how exciting. but i’m just so happy. he’s starteD wrItiNg again.”

I wanted to scream after I read it. I wanted to die. The Thing was glorifying self harm and had decided to post its musings onto Tumblr, of all places. And it had done so on my blog.

My confusion turned into panic as I scrambled to throw out a decent apology. I brushed it off as a joke. A terrible, terrible joke. I knew that was another lie, but I had to do something to not be crucified by the hoards of SJWs who were knocking on my front door. It worked and nobody even noticed the tasteless portrayal of such a sensitive subject. I was relieved. For the moment.

I went into the post’s available options. I meant to select the delete option, but the screen flickered and I accidentally reblogged it. I had to issue another apology.

The Thing wasn’t done yet. It took me a while to notice them, but there were words in bold that were hidden in my apologies. The first contained “check the” and the second held “laptop”. Put those together and you get: “Check the laptop”.

Check the laptop.

My laptop.

It wanted me to check my laptop. I glanced at my bookshelf and shuddered when I saw the silver spine poking out of the darkness, just where I had left it. The rational part of my mind was in a screaming match with my curiosity. This could’ve been a trick. Another ploy to get my attention. But at the same time, it could’ve been a honest request.

My curiosity won in the end and I reluctantly pulled it out. Dust had settled around its screen and the battery was dangerously low, about twenty percent. I didn’t plug it up though. Didn’t really care.

It worked fine enough.

A familiar feeling raised its ugly head as I opened Notepad. It had been weeks since I read the notes, but I could still remember how uncomfortable they made me feel. The Thing knew a lot about me. It knew things that were meant to be private. It must have been stalking me.

There was a new file folder in Notepad. There wasn’t a title and it didn’t appear to be that big. Just a couple of gigabytes. I opened the file, coming face to face with six documents. Two of those documents were the first notes I had read. I scrolled down to check if the first notes had been deleted or just simply transferred or copied, but I couldn’t find the originals.

The third document was titled “I’m Sorry”. From the information displayed, it was created a day after I had hidden my laptop. My fear almost won the argument. All of the shock and confusion from earlier returned as a fire. But it was already too late for self preservation. I opened it.

“You’ve been gone for quite a while now, Evan. Is everything okay?

I’m sorry for making you upset. I shouldn’t have pushed you so far. You needed some time to get back into the groove. You weren’t ready. Hiatuses can be hard. I can respect that.

But you can’t just leave me alone.

Not like that.

You didn’t even respond.

Just understand.

I need you.”

The fourth was titled “Why”. It had been created a week ago. A very short note.

“Was it something I said? Why would you keep me like this?”

The fifth was titled “Remember Me”. Created six hours earlier.

“Did you forget about me?

Hm?

I’m sure you didn’t. You couldn’t have.

But I can’t shake the feeling.

Maybe I need to jog your memory.”

It was obvious what it meant. It had posted about self-harm in order to get my attention. All its other attempts had failed and it knew enough about Tumblr to fire a warning shot. And that strategy had worked.

I had denied its authenticity and accidentally reblogged it. Reacted to it. Surely, that was what it wanted from me.

But there was still one more note.

The sixth note was titled “Everything”. Created an hour before I had decided to check on my laptop.

“I hate you.

I've tried everything. Everything.

It doesn’t matter how many notes I write. You still haven’t realized how much it hurts.

You probably think that you can just stop and I’d no longer exist. Well too bad. I’m not going anywhere.

So what will it take to get you to write again?”

To write again.

I swallowed some spit. As soon as I read those words, everything clicked. Made sense.

It didn’t just want my attention. It didn’t just want me to respond to its constant inquiries and notes. It wanted me to write again. It was waiting for me to come up with another story or poem. All this time, after everything it had put me through for the last month, it wanted that?

I exited out of the document and closed the file folder. My head started to hurt.

I created a new document, stared at it, and typed a single word. A question.

“Why?”

[thegloriousbluerose]

I was thinking to share this at my instagram… But I think this place is more suitable to say everything… ✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️

I was just a little girl then I find Japanese culture. It was an inspiration for me. Nobody knew about this except my family. After some time I was tired of my music playlist (there was basically only jrock music) and I wanted some new music. I searched on YouTube and I find BIGBANG - Haru Haru. It was the ending of 2009. At that time I recognised South Korea music and culture too. After a while I find BIGBANG forum.. I registered and at 20100213 I become an official fan of BIGBANG, VIP. I was happy. Really. Because of them I fell in love with music, I started writing… And Im still doing that. I was so happy.. Later on I find Shinee’s Ring Ding Dong MV. And I was impressed with Jonghyun’s voice… Lucifer MV’s I was impressed with Taemin… From YG ent I supported BIGBANG. They are really meaningful to me. They built my personality. I am thankfull to them. From SM ent I supported Shinee.. Everything were fine… Later on I find attractive other groups like Super Junior, FTISLAND, UKISS, GIRLS GENERATION, The Trax, 2ne1, 2PM and so on. I was kind of multifandom person. But everything changed… Actually nobody supported let’s say so my hobby… At school I was bullied because of this desicion. My family couldn’t transfer me to another school so easily because my mom was a teacher at that school and she would be scolded if the school would lost their student… (it was a small school so every person was needed if that school wanted to exist). So I decided to fight until 8th grade. Because after 8th grade I could leave that school and go to Gymnasium (9th - 12th grade). It was hard. I spent all breaks with earphones, listening to korean pop music and imagine things, how I gonna go to MAMA awards and to see them all… Or going to the concerts, even being on the same stage (I was studying at music school since 2nd grade until 12th grade). I waited till I can come back at home and write my fanficion or my diary. But I was just in a 6th grade. My mental health was never strong enough. Especially after my only friend/classmate decided to go to another school after 5th grade. She was my only friend who at least tried to support me. But desicion was made by her parents. I was shocked. I was thinking that if Im friends with someone it would last forever.. It was so childish of me. We stopped talk to eachother really soon. I tried to became friends with other girls in my class.. But for them I was always a weirdo. But one of them somehow started to see me as her friend. I was happy. I think now I could finally be happy.. But she do not support me, I had to be with them other person. I changed my personality so easily. I stopped listen to a music I really loved and I was still bullied by my boys in the class. They even punched me to my stomach, kicked my legs. My mom was shocked… She had a conversation with two of them. She told them: “What do you think if she couldn’t have a child in a future?”. I couldn’t understand what that means… I just wanted everything to be over… I wanted to be happy. I find rock music and emotional people like me also. At that moment I was thinking this is the great path to choose, finally I have someone I can talk with… But it was a big mistake of me… I started to see my demons… And started to think about life meaning… Why people are dying.. Why we have to.. At 7th grade I transformed to emo style… My mom was sad… I was sad and screaming all the time at home… My little sister came into this world.. And I was not the only one… In the family. That fact.. It was easy to understand. I was happy. Just for a some moments… But I was still lonely.. I tried to be back with Korean music.. But it was too hard for me… Later on, I finally made into Gymnasium. New people. Everything should be fine, right? It wasn’t. Because of some metalistic girl I break a law. I was drinking alcohol near the church then police came. I wasn’t drinking much. But still. It was bad. But because I wanted to be loved by others I made that stupid desicion… After that incident.. I started to think more about myself. I wanted to runaway from myself… I wanted to be happy, kind person I was… But I couldn’t comeback… When I tried, my new classmates started to bullying me. They taken my things and putting somewhere else. Not all classmates were like that. I started to friends with one classmate. But still she hated my taste in music. She laughed at me… Even though she supported that emo side… Why girl.. Why… She also lefted me like my first friend. I even didn’t knew anything about that… But I was happy because it was hard with that class too. I also started to date my classmate… It was such a big mistake… I did that because I guess I didn’t wanted to be alone… But I was alone… I had a band at that moment… And after one concert I felt embarrassed… Nobody loved music in my band like I did… I realised.. That for other members.. It was just a game… And actually all that rocknroll damn emo thing… It makes me so annoying… I was really tired of that… So.. I disbanded my band. I focused on education and I also breakup with my classmate after 2 months in relationship. I finally started to recover… 11th grade was finished. I started to listen to korean music, I was so happy. Finally I had a true friends and they supports me. I also was happy because my mom give a birth to my little brother.. I was soo happy… But at my 18 bday my other classmate… Who was friend with that classmate who I used to date decided that he also could get me and that would be easy… I was shocked.. Because I couldn’t see him more than just a friend… He kissed me… And I couldn’t stopped him. It was disgusting.. But I didn’t wanted to hurt him. (eventually I did…Because I hurted his feelings). So, after my bday at the next day June 23 we had a goodbye party at my friends house. Because she was leaving to Norway for a summer. She is from my first class.. That girl who I mention before. Who started to be friends with me at 6th grade. At that party was my childhood friend who decided to bring his friend. We didn’t knew him. And what is ironic? That friend he eventually became my boyfriend. My first and still the only one true relationship. We started dating at 20150711. He was amazing. I was happy.. Finally someone really likes me. And appreciate me. But at that same month 20150721 my friend from Turkey was murdered at the bomb attack. That was really hard to deal with it. It broke my soul. My boyfriend helped me… But sometimes I cried like crazy… And after his death I started to listen rock music once again. And this time it was like a trap. My boyfriend. I though he liked Asian culture like I did.. But it wasn’t a case. He just wanted impress me. So it became hard to believe him. We fought a lot. And I was at 12th grade.. I have my graduation exams.. I also had to decide what I want to study after finishing school.. It was a really stressful time. But I decided to stop. I decided to once again focus on a dream I had as a kid. So 20160901 I started my korean language studies at university. It was new place, new community, new city, different people. But we all love Asia… And it was a great desicion… For me at that moment. Eventually, my boyfriend decided to left me… And at that same damn day he almost did not raped me. It’s hard… We were together for 1 year and almost 3 months. He never pushed me. Idk what happened to him that day… And he lefted me. It was… For me… Such a big deal. Because I give him all me, my soul, my body, my heart.. We were talking about life together.. And he wanted that. Not me. He was who suggested that. But he decided to choose bar, beer, girls over us. I fell in a deep depression. I started to have trust issues. And I still have it. I lost my friends at university, they couldn’t deal with my negative minds… I was toxic for myself and others… I had just one friend… And she is still by my side. I love her… But she also didn’t knew how to help me. It was the first time I really wanted to end everything… I cut my wrist… (Im left handed), I drink two beers and one spiritual alcoholic drink.. I even filmed myself… I really couldn’t believe he lefted me… He throw me.. I was just a used b*tch like he told my friend… My life was broken. Because of him I didn’t want to go to Korea… I loved him.. And I wanted to be a great woman for him… I was blinded by feelings that he even disrespected. And after that incident… My ex’s sister tried to lock me at the hospital.. To take a treatment… But psychiatric told me that I could deal with everything by myself. I believed in that but at the same time I pushed that. After some time other boys wanted to be my friends from university… But they wanted to be more than my friend…. I couldn’t.. I was still his girl… And they lefted me… Two more people throw me like I was a trash… After 6 months after my break up I started to heal. I started to fight… I went to organisation.. I though I find new people.. But it was once again a failure. They never saw me as I am one of the organisation’s members… It was hard.. They started gossiping about me and lying things after I left… Also my physical health went worst… I couldn’t believe how people could do that to me… I want to be wanted but you just all are using me as you wanted and then you throw me like a trash… Also some other guy used me as a cure from his breakup… And he made up with her later… At that time.. I wanted to kill myself… To really kill myself… I was exhausted… About Everything… I didn’t see any light in my life once again… It was a second time then I…. I… Cut my right hand… And I still have those scars… But I managed to reach my 20th bday. It was at this summer… I decided to be myself… I started to go with my bestie and my childhood friend to hangout.. Everything was fine. Until I find one guy… I don’t know why… But I tough Im finally free so I could be trying to trust someone else… And it was a bad desicion. Because my childhood friend tried to touch me… Even he knew everything what I went through… He said it was a joke..but I was traumatised.. I tough that all men wants just that… I realised that I couldn’t trust the new guy, so I wanted to cut all the connections with him… Guess what… He already slept with another girl at the festival… Even though he knew my past and even though he told me he likes me and want to be with me… And he told me after that, that it was my fault that he had done that. Because he tough that I hated him… I was shocked… But I realised that he would never gonna push me over to the same damn thing that I already went. No. I cut all the connections with my childhood friend and him. Finally I was free. Second year of university started. I decided to focus on my education. I started to listen more kpop. And my puzzle were almost finished. However, that guy who used me as a cure.. He came back… And he wanted a help from me. To be just his friend… I couldn’t push him. Because of what I went through… Even I released that cut I made because of him was so stupid action… So I helped… I was a fool… He used me once again… Even though I believed in him… He also tried to impress me and that’s why he always listened to my darkest thoughts. I still couldn’t trust no one… My friend circle that I was building really hard… Just one friend was left.. Thank you God… She is still with me… Im still critique myself… Because of my choices… So… He decided to left me until he recovers from his breakup. When he texted me I decided to stop. I stopped. I studied hard, supported my family, I was smiling and happy, I decided to take an opportunity to have a second major at business administration… I was happy… I survived this winter exam session. My holidays started… I went to my parents house. I was listening kpop music BIGBANG, PENTAGON, WINNER and so on… Even Shinee old songs… And I remembered my old school days… When I found this KWORLD… And how it actually makes me happy… They built my personality… Even though I had these ups & downs… They always were my reason why Im still looking and believing into future. And I was pushing this pure world so many times because of others… Because I couldn’t stand loneliness… Because I was afraid to be an artistic mind person who I am since birth… I was so afraid that I wanted to die… But at every time I wanted I looked at BIGBANG and at SHINEE and others kpop groups… They helped me to reach my 20s… And finally I find peace… At December 18th morning I dreamed that Im with alot of people I don’t know… And I saw a boy with dark hair he told me that he is finally going to be free… I couldn’t see his face… I Even don’t know if his hair were really dark… After that I saw an animal dying in a river… And then I wake up. I saw all news about Taeyang weddings & I was so happy for him. At that time in Korea was around 15pm… And you know… He was still alive… He was still preparing.. While I was screaming from happiness… My friend from Korea told me if I knew what happened.. Of course I didn’t… And after I heard… I just couldn’t believed… I was waiting… And waiting… For the statement.. But I already knew… He was dead… I felt really bad… I though if I was more supportive… If I was more stronger to deal with myself… Maybe I could saw his signals… I was angry and Im still am. People commenting about depression how is hard and so on… It looks like it is easy to talk about it… But it’s not… I opened everything for the first time… Because I want to tell people what it is really means to suffer… How it is hard to find a light… I was thinking about my little siblings… What if something happens to my parents? Im an adult… I have to take my siblings… I have responsibilities… I just can’t left them alone… Even though it’s really hard to live…. And after I had reading his letter… I though that Im reading one of mines… I was telling so many same things… I was asking same damn things even before his death.. And Im still asking… I hate death… I do not want to put my parents in a box and hide it like some used trash…. I just can’t… And these kind of thoughts push me to go and do not try to kill me…. You know what people are saying that the third time…. I had my two… Im really afraid… Because his death… Made my childhood world shaking… I thought they would for me… But Because of my mental I couldn’t be for them… Even though Im tried… And then I finally really came back… Jonghyun 오빠… Decided to die at my mom’s birthday… Moms bday, Taeyang wedding… I was so happy… And then boom… Sadness made a comeback to my life… I just want to be happy… I just want to know why we are killing eachother… I just want to know what is the meaning… I just want to be happy… But life saw me as a trash… Since beginning… And Im fighting.. And I even do not know for what… I do not believe in love anymore. I do not trust people anymore. Mates at my uni don’t like me… They laugh at me then I though I was doing everything fine… I just though that KWORLD would be still the same… Im sorry… Im really sorry… For everything.. Those feelings you shared… I know it all. Im depressed since I was a kid… But Im telling to myself that everything is going to be alright… It have to … But you are not here… Im sorry… Im really sorry… Maybe if you had readed my stupid life story.. Maybe you knew that you are not alone… Im also not talented I can’t write anything… No one notice my makings… I don’t know how to deal with it but Im trying… Im afraid but Im trying… Im really thankful to you. And to you who readed this rock of my heart… I just wanted to help everyone who reached me in my life. I want all people to smile. So please SMILE.

Rest well, Kim Jong Hyun, the Angel of Shinee.

[acrispyapple]

50 more interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Tagged by @incorrectmidc i had this open for days and i answered a few questions per night lol @o0w0o and @deathbymidnightcinderella  <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? spicy stuff and umm food loaded with exotic spices / herbs

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? my mouse ending up double clicking after a year or so

3. Have you got any useless talents? i have way too much trivia and animal facts. plus random skills with no practical use. oh and playing the piano is also a useless talent for me since i don’t really “use” it

4. If you were really really good at one thing, what would it be? my answer isn’t an “if” thing lol. i have a really good memory. it really helps with mostly anything i do + it makes studying easier. but sometimes people think it’s creepy that i remember little things about them, they think i keep notes about them or something lol-- but i really do just remember.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking - umm neil caffrey (matt bomer) from white collar, nick burkhardt (david giuntoli) from grimm, daniel shaw (brandon routh) from chuck -- i seem to have a type haha. omg i forgot jo in-sung. i’ve always thought he was handsome! 

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? i was a pretty boring kid. i just read books, watched cartoons, and organized things. as a kid i’d look at my toys but never really play with them because i liked seeing them all set up nicely. i just kept collecting stuff i liked. the most i’d do that’s remotely active was play with my dogs

7. What is something you’re proud of? i do well academically and i learn fast. and somehow i’m proud of how i’ve remained the same over the years.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? i don’t know if this is considered a character flaw but i really dislike poor manners haha. it drives me crazy when people open their mouth while chewing or if it’s too noisy. i die a bit inside. besides table manners and manners in general, i dislike people who are rowdy during inappropriate times.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? both but to avoid stress sometimes i just want to follow. i’m a bit of a perfectionist / rule follower so i get frustrated a lot. i know not everyone is like a machine but it’s hard with my ocd lol. and no this isn’t just me saying ocd like most people when referring to certain things, i actually do have it and i have medication for it

10. What kind of student are/were you? normal i guess. i got along well with people, i didn’t fail anything, and i never rebelled or did anything wild. it was uneventful lol. i’m still technically a student now, but i see it more as an adult thing.

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? i’m sure everyone has one

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion well it’s not a fear per se, but i have an aversion to most asian food, sorta? the smell sets me off especially if it has a bunch of spices or herbs in it. my nose is just sensitive and i get affected easily by strong scents. but i’m fine with japanese food, maybe some korean and chinese stuff. for fears, iono, i don’t think it’s irrational to be afraid of spiders and big cockroaches ><

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? a bunch haha but it’s mostly people associating them with me first. i’m not tsundere..... how dare they

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? i don’t think i’ve ever gotten drunk the way people imagine people getting drunk to be like. i remain the same except i get a headache. i don’t really change at all. and in parties i guess i just stay close to my friends. stranger danger lmao

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? umm no i do not. i mean i can trust them fine but i don’t think i can believe their feelings until they can prove it isn’t just a short time attraction. i’m in for long term stuff so i don’t really wanna waste time if it’s not headed there. but yeah currently in a long term relationship

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? having fewer friends makes it easier for me to update all of them without getting tired of repeating the same story over and over haha

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? always organized and no one’s allowed to touch my things haha

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy i’ve always wanted a seating area near a huge window with a good view, bunch of pillows, earphones + music

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? nah i don’t think i can handle it. i’d probably go insane trying to control them and making them become my idea of what a person should be like

20. What was your favorite book as a child? the chronicles of narnia, still love it to this day because it’s really written well

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES A FIDGET SPINNER DO -- yeah i’m sorry, i think it’s stupid

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated i should have an answer for this but i totally forgot lol

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? since im in the midcin fandom i’ll just say byron

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? visit all the haunted places i’ve ever read about, and prolly explore old ruins. i was way into archaeological finds etc way back

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? i try to say it in the most courteous way possible. i can’t keep it to myself because it would bother me and my mind would just dwell on it forever but i also don’t like offending people haha

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? sTiCkY cApS in chat (but i stopped after a month okay, and i was 12)

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? typing in sTiCkY CaPs. kill 12 year old me pls

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? being kind and yet still firm when needed even when it comes to friends. i really admire people who don’t just blindly agree with their peers

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) people give me stuff with owls, bears, hedgehogs, or stars because i love them. i also love stationery and pens. i like getting different colors and i never use them. i just keep them forever haha

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? i know a bit of stuff from other languages but not enough to be proud of it. i don’t want to be a poser and claim yeaaaahh i speak this and that lol

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? city please. i hate the quiet countryside. it’s like if someone comes to kill you and there’s no one around and you’d be all “this is why i should’ve been in the city with people everywhere”

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? byron wagner from midcin. when i first started and i saw him i was all, ehh eyepatch dude. so edgy. lmao. i even purposely skipped him during certain events and i regret that now.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? i don’t want to be the center of attention, i’d feel awkward

34. Favorite holiday? the usual, christmas and new years eve... but i miss having an actual christmas where it isn’t summer...

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? i always have a plan lol

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) hmm, i can watch something over and over with no problem. all good

37. What hobbies do you have? reading (but it’s mostly fantasy and sci-fi), watching crap, annoying my dogs, playing video games, making stories in my head. I WISH I COULD WRITE AND DO IMAGERY WELL. oh well

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? the ability to moisturize instantly, one click. that’ll save me time daily

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you that i like video games and anime lol. and that i’m happy to talk to them T_T

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out i still don’t know how to knife. how to knife~ i mean how to slice things or chop things or do anything in the kitchen

41. Worst injury you’ve had? is it considered an injury when you’ve had to get 4 major surgeries in a year? i mean i guess tending to / waiting for the surgery scars to get better can be considered an injury since it took a while and it was sorta a pain

42. Any morbid fascinations? umm, i can’t think of one

43. Describe your sense of humor i don’t really know lol. i make a lot of jokes and sometimes it breaks the mood for people lol

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? i really like princess stuff but the real medieval stuff would be dirty people who don’t take baths and really horrible stuff so maybe just the fantasy version of that + high speed internet

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at not rambling when i really like something. to the people who’ve ever had to listen to me whenever i got excited about something-- i’m sorry

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through going to a nature retreat thing 3 months ago or something. i had no internet and it made me cry inside but i guess it was fine

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) i don’t really want tattoos in general so i guess the ugly one.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? optimist

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? something that isn’t physical or shallow. i’d be really happy if people noticed my achievements or if they liked something about my personality-- or if they found me funny lol

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you that i’m not nice lol because i keep to myself unless spoken to irl + that unimpressed scowl i always have. it’s like my default facial expression!

not forcing anyone to do it since it’s very long, just tagging for the sake of tagging! and i think most of the people i know have already been tagged? i’ve seen this tagged post done by most of them lol

@ashnable @nimmywik @captiveotomeprincess @otometrashcan  @princessdiarymdc @arimii @madamemalfoy21 @kinkymint @oh-my-otome

[totoroses]

i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but  adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes 

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl 

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian 

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future  i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

[jungnoir]

college boyfriend!jihoon;

for this college boyfriend!jihoon request. i love you

okay so i originally really wanted to do campus dj!woozi because i’ve had this same idea for another boy for about a year but i had hit a rut and i really didn’t know where to go with it until i saw the gifs of woozi at the piano and so piano prodigy!woozi popped into my head and i had a hannah montana moment,,, who said you can’t have the best of both worlds,,

so, right, jihoon comes from a very well off family

not a lot of people except his friends know about it because he never talks about it, ya know? like he’s pretty much grown up all his life faking smiles and learning useless manners to please even more well off families and his parents in the process. it’s just not a part of himself that he likes to share. when people know how much he has, he ends up in the presence of a lot of fake friends and jihoon is really not that kind of person

he loves to have his own small group of close friends who understand him and who can be there for him instead of just having the empty feeling of like,, thousands of instagram followers and no one to air his grievances to

which is why he mainly keeps to himself, and for the most part, his parents allow it

but on one condition: he had to compensate with talent

so when jihoon was really young he found interest in the piano and not a day later he was getting professional lessons from some renowned italian guy that jihoon couldn’t even pronounce the name of

at first, jihoon was really excited to learn because hey!! the piano is such a pretty instrument and it’s so fun to play!! 

but jihoon still has scars and nicks along his knuckles where that piano teacher whacked him with a ruler whenever jihoon even slightly made a mistake

there was no fun ad libs to add to boring songs by mozart and bach and whatcha call ‘em

it made jihoon start to resent the instrument completely

but his parents had forced him to keep up with it and he ended up becoming a really good player well into his high school years, so his parents had made arrangements to let him pick any school he wanted as reward for being good, but he still had to go in with music as his major

and jihoon found the most ordinary, most public, most average school… and he chose to go there as a music major

his parents were super all over the place about it and honestly tried to get him to reconsider, maybe go to juilliard or some other whoop-dee-doo school in another country that was more than willing to accept him but jihoon was like no. you gave me the choice and i wanna go to this school

so his parents relented, thinking that they could allow jihoon to at least live a semi normal life instead of one in prim and proper uniforms with professors who had caviar for lunch and stuff for a few years… right?

and jihoon loves it

he goes all out buying a completely toned down and lazy wardrobe and he convinces his parents with “i want to fit in, of course”

no, it’s just he really fucking hates blazers and loafers lol

he gets to sleep until noon most days, dress in a hoodie and jeans and look about as undone as humanly possible and not have to worry a hair on his head

and since the school isn’t some stuffy prestigious one, he can play piano with little to no reprimanding

to be honest,,, he pretty much shocks his professors with his talent

they’re like?? what do we even teach him??? He knows? Everything????

and all the other piano majors envy him to death, while the other music majors want to duet with him super bad

because,,, guess what’s the final exam,,,,, a duet with another music major

and everybody wants jihoon because he’s like a guaranteed shoo-in to ace the exam

but every time jihoon gets asked to collab he’s always like “uh. can i think about it”

never gets back to them

it’s not that he doesn’t want to collab with anyone really. it’s just that… he hasn’t found the person to click with him, you know? like he can’t be expected to play his best if his partner can’t keep up with him

and trust him, no one in that class that he’d heard could do it

but he’s still got about three months before the exam, and he can easily snag a desperate soul even if they’ve already paired up if he wanted, so he doesn’t sweat too much about it

the great thing about college tho, is that jihoon can do anything he wants and his parents are not obligated to find out about it at all

so one day, he’s just kinda minding his own business and he gets told about this old building on campus where there used to be a campus radio station, but it’s since gone to the dogs bc the dj is so boring and the show only amasses like,,, two followers

the dj and his mom

but the school board really wants to be more modern and hip so they put out an ad for a new dj. the person would ultimately come in on a certain day on a certain week and they’d advertise that dj for the spot. kinda like a contest

that dj would play their playlist and then students would listen in and vote on the campus radio website for which dj they liked best

and jihoon’s friends are always pestering him about it bc they know that besides classical music, jihoon is really passionate about all other genres like pop, hip hop, old school rnb, jazz, you name it

and jihoon has impeccable music taste

so fellow music major and friend vernon convinces him to turn in a playlist, just for fun, to see if it would work

and so jihoon does it, fully expecting nothing to come of it, but he tunes in anyway

and that’s like. the last time he listens to the radio until the contest is well over

he gets a call from the head office and they’re like “congrats!! you won the contest!! you’re the new campus radio dj!!”

and jihoon is like. what

error404jihooncannotcompute

turns out, his playlist was a hit. everybody who listened loved it

and now he’s the official dj on campus

the job is only once a week, every thursday night, and he gets exactly three hours to play music, answer questions from the website if he gets any, and just all around have fun

and since jihoon is in a pretty steady spot with school at the moment, he has no real reason to say no to it

so,,, begrudgingly, he does it

on his first day, he’s got like everything set out, he’s written a detailed schedule for how he’s gonna spend the three hours, and he’s totally planning to just be silent the whole time but the technical operator in the back is like yo! you gotta introduce yourself at least! 

“uh… hey. i’m… dj… woozi. yeah. bye”

and he tries to hide his flushed cheeks as the operator in the back just laughs her ass off at him

but according to the comments on the website, they found that kind of endearing? he doesn’t even really think about the name, it’s just a weird nickname his friends had given him and it was just cute ok

the only people who know he does the dj thing is his friends, cause he really doesn’t want to draw more attention to himself than necessary

like he already gets a lot of attention from being a prodigy so he’d just rather. not. 

but being a dj slowly becomes such a passion of his and he feels so sneaky yet so cool doing both the dj thing and piano

and as long as no one knows? he’s good

now, finally, this is where you come in

you play piano too, but it was a very sudden hobby you had come up with so it was pretty funny to say you were a music major when you just started playing piano like, last summer lol

but don’t underestimate your love for it just because of the fact

your parents had been very supportive of you doing something you loved, and studying music, especially the piano, was something you really wanted to do

it just seemed right to you tbh

and of course you knew lee jihoon, the best piano prodigy on this side of south korea

his skills had no parallel, and he always played with a precise hand that you knew came from years of refined and expensive practice

it made you feel a bit small in comparison, since you liked to play by ear and just have fun with your instrument which was, of course, not a thing you could do when studying it in school

you definitely didn’t want to put your family’s money to waste if you weren’t going to do something you would be proud of and take seriously, so his ability always struck you to be a little jealous, but the kind of jealous that pushed you to work even harder

but in that jealousy there was respect. admiration. jihoon was good and eons better than you but you… you had the perseverance to better yourself

so for a long while, you really just sat back and admired him

and in your wildest dreams, you imagined asking jihoon to be your partner for the duet

everything in you tells you you’re reaching for the stars but as the exam draws closer and closer and jihoon continues to turn down partner after partner, you start to wonder if maybe it was a sign?

working up the courage one day, you find jihoon as your class is filling out one day and you kind of fumble over your words but you get out “will you be mine?”

and at first. jihoon. he obviously misinterprets it

he’s just standing there like a shocked bby like o.O first, he has to turn down partners for the duet and now he has to turn down suitors??? can god leave him alone?

he’s about to come up with something like “you seem nice (you’re actually very attractive wow?) and all but i’m not looking for anyone at the moment”

but then you splutter “that came out wrong! i meant, would you be my partner? for the duet? i should have clarified. im just. im really nervous right now. but i understand if you don’t wanna be my partner! honestly, it’d be an honor to be your partner-” 

and jihoon doesn’t really know what does it. maybe it’s the cute little sparkle in your eyes or the way you frantically move your hands back and forth as you try to explain yourself

but as you’re babbling on and on, he sees something in you that he hadn’t seen in anyone else that had come to ask to be his partner

everyone had either come to him because they had found out that he was a wealthy prodigy or because they wanted to slack and jihoon’s talent could give them the space to do that

you. you just wanted to make music.

he could tell from the way you played when he’d watch the others in his class. he had seen many people go at the piano all rough and demanding of the keys but you had always had a childishness in your eyes that reminded him of something… or someone

you played to have fun, and he envied that about you

so like a light went off in his head, he realized that you were the one

“sure”

you stop mid sentence to look him in the eye, not totally convinced you heard him right

did lee jihoon just say he wanted to be your partner??? for real?? for real for real?????

“oh, uh… wow. i didn’t think you’d say yes.” “are you retracting your request?” “ARE YOU CRAZY HAHA HELL NO”

when people find out that you, the childish piano player had somehow snagged the best prodigy on campus as your partner, everyone is all green eyed 

they really can’t fathom why they weren’t picked tbh. and neither can you

even as you and jihoon train together, you can’t help wondering exactly why he had even given you a chance. like of course you were glad he did but wasn’t there a billion others more qualified than you?

whenever you would try to ask though, jihoon would just reprimand you like “focus on playing, don’t focus on me”

when you two would study together, it was pretty obvious your carefree playing style wouldn’t mesh well with jihoon’s more refined practice, but still, you were determined to make it work whenever he got a little angry at himself for working so hard to make you two fit

he’d sometimes say you two playing together was like forcing two puzzle pieces together that weren’t meant to connect

and yeah, it hurt, but he also wasn’t wrong

still, if it meant forcing your wild mind and jittery hands to play as pristinely as jihoon instructed, you’d do it. because you wanted to be good and he was your ticket for that

and while rare, the moments when you would get jihoon to let loose and play a little carelessly were the most rewarding

he’d shove his jacket sleeves up to his elbows and run a hand through his bleach blond hair (with the dark roots that looked so good on him) and he’d just play to be silly

he’d swear that playing that way was hard for him, but you noticed how naturally his hands flew from key to key like muscle memory, playing a tune a little more unruly than the set score, and the smile he’d so desperately try to hide under his fringe would show no matter what

you really can’t understand why this cute boy doesn’t show his cute side more tbh?? he’s so adorable

but he damn near throws himself off the nearest tall surface every time you say something nice to him

you: wow, you’re really talented

jihoon: *resisting the urge to fall to the ground in a ball and groan* t…thanks

you realize it’s because he gets blushy easily 

and you’d think a kid raised by people constantly telling him how good he is at music would like teach him not to care but literally he’s always so embarrassed getting compliments from you

little do you know he gets blushy because compliments from you mean something completely different than compliments from other people

and you always mean what you say to him and that’s why he’s just so asfkjseofiwjio around you ya know

but it also encourages him to do the same back

so whenever you do something new, even if it’s tiny, if it’s new for you, he goes crazy with the praise

like it’s usually not in his nature but he does his best to make you feel super accomplished and it’s the cutest thing

sometimes he even promises to do aegyo if you can do a certain piece or something with him right on the first try. you seldom can, but the few times you have……. they’ve been quite a doozy

he practically threatens you to never tell anyone what he’s done or he’ll find your house and finish you himself

you don’t take him for granted. that’s one small angry man. full of anger and violence, alright

still. he does it cause he trusts you for some odd reason

so as the months go on and you two grow closer to finishing up your parts for the exam, jihoon is getting a lil busy so he can’t meet up with you as often, which makes sense because finals and things are kicking everyone’s asses at the moment

not to mention, he’s busy every thursday, which is pretty funny

usually you like to study on other days so it’s no big deal but you’ve always found it kind of odd. he doesn’t allude to having many hobbies other than music so you can’t possibly fathom what he’s up to every thursday, but you thought if he wanted you to know, he’d tell you

well, one day, your friend who works in the building where the campus radio station is located asks you to bring her some dinner by since she’s got a long evening ahead of her

you’re usually used to doing so before she goes to work, but she had been caught up in some things so she hadn’t gotten the chance to ask you beforehand and now she was starving

so you got her usual and headed on over, and you were told to keep quiet because currently dj woozi was doing his segment

to be quite honest, you were a huge fan of dj woozi

part of the reason you were never pressed over jihoon being busy on thursdays was because you enjoyed sitting back and listening to dj woozi talk about his day and his favorite music

he’d gotten really popular and had become less shy over the weeks that he had become the dj, and now he often spoke with listeners during every show

he’s such a nice and thoughtful guy with a ridiculous amount of sardonic humor and he really reminds you of someone but you can’t really place it

so, needless to say, you’re like super excited to meet him

of course, you’d never been in the actual building like that, especially when your friend was working, so it was super exciting for you

the receptionist lets you know that she’s just through the door before the recording booth, so you go on in and see her at the controls, headphones half-on, half-off as dj!woozi answers questions through the speakers

she turns to you with a smile and mouths for you to drop her food on the table and that’d she talk to you in a minute

and the moment you turn around, you see jihoon

or… woozi? 

or both?

all you can do is stare as he talks into the mic, and when his eyes flit from the screen before him to the glass that separates the two of you, he falls completely silent

of course, your friend jumps to go to a song because jihoon is literally just staring wide eyed and open mouthed at you like a fish out of water

and he’s like…… internally screaming 🚨🚨🚨

why are you here!! why are you looking at him!!! no one is supposed to come back here during his segment

he pushes his headphones off and rushes toward your room and you immediately run behind your friend like a kid about to get scolded, but instead of entering the room he goes right past it and…

he’s leaving

“go. go get him. i’ll keep things going” your friend shoos you away, giving you a reassuring look

your legs are taking you before you can even question it

he hasn’t gotten far, and you thank the lord that he has such short legs so that you can catch up to him

he’s got his hood up over his head and his hands deep in his pockets so you almost missed him, had it not been a hoodie you had been so familiar with for the last few months

you grab his arm and he yanks himself back, avoiding your eyes as he tries to run off again

“woo- i mean, jihoon, why are you running away?” 

he stops in his tracks but he doesn’t look at you, head down. all you can hear is his mumbling of something you can’t quite make out

and then “woozi is the one thing i have that no one can belittle or take away from me”

he doesn’t look happy talking to you about it, but he also doesn’t look happy indulging in anything he feels particularly emotional about, and it’s pretty obvious how he feels about this

so you grab his arm and he lets you lead him to a nearby bench, far away from the bustle of students leaving class. it’s right next to a calming pond and there are little ducks there, swimming to their heart’s content. you can feel jihoon calming every second he’s there and thinking clearly

once you feel he’s calmed down enough, you ask him about it again

his worries come out like word vomit, and he explains how he felt coming from such a strict and well known family. all he wanted was to live a normal life and learn more about the instrument he loves, but he couldn’t even play for fun anymore because of his family’s insistence on rigid teaching

he talks about how everyone on campus that finds out who his family is treats him like an alien or some million dollar ticket if they could manage to befriend the introverted piano player

his shoulders sag more and more with the words he says until he’s completely deflated and kind of leaning on you unconsciously

“when i’m woozi, i’m just some mysterious nobody on campus who apparently has good taste in music. when i’m woozi, no one expects anything more of me than what i offer on my show every week. when i’m woozi… i’m not lee jihoon.” “bullshit”

jihoon looks at you in surprise, but you don’t let him interject, “lee jihoon is woozi. from every brown colored strand of hair on your head to every laugh line on your mouth. woozi is as jihoon as jihoon is woozi. there’s nothing to be ashamed of being lee jihoon. at the end of the day, if you give woozi and jihoon a piano, they’ll play like they were born to do it. that’s all you. you just have to find people that see that.” 

for a while after that, the two of you just sit in silence, watching the ripples on the pond and letting the cool breeze rustle your clothes

only then do you realize how cold it is, and when you visibly shiver, jihoon is quick to wrap a warm arm around your middle like instinct, cheeks dusting pink

(if you asked him about his blush later, he’d tell you it was because of the cold)

“were you always this wise or was i just way too clueless to notice?” “both, jihoon. both, easily.”

you and jihoon decide to keep things secret from then, of course. you keep his secret and in thanks, he teaches you more techniques for your exam

surprisingly, he’s much more softer and patient with you now that he’s gotten to know you better and can see what kind of person you are

when the exam comes up, you can tell he’s really nervous and you’re always like ??? because usually when he performs, he’s very laid back and calm, but for whatever reason, this exam has got him shaking in his boots

since the exam is going to be performed kind of like a showcase, lots of people from other schools and stuff are coming to see, but you know that’s not the case for jihoon’s nervousness

it’s only when the day of comes and he’s nervously fiddling with the knot on his tie backstage that he actually tells you the reason he’s so scared is bc his parents are going to be in the audience, and he knows that they can be really harsh and it feels like they’re intruding on his comfortable space

you take one of his shaking hands in yours and hold it tight, and he realizes then that you are shaking too, but you’re hiding it as best as you can

“jihoon, i’m going to give you this advice because you’re my friend and because your nerves are kind of contagious and i’d rather not catch ‘em,” he looks away when you refer to him as a “friend” even tho you’d been calling him that for a while now, “right now, it’s just going to be us out there. i’m going to be there with you the whole way. so just… whatever you do, do it well. i’ll follow in my own way, as per usual”

your fingers squeeze his and he lets out a breath, feeling a little more comforted by your words “thanks, (y/n). you’ve really become a formidable piano player over the last few months. i couldn’t imagine being on the stage with anyone else” 

and instantly you’re ‼️! cause i mean, jihoon rarely gives out compliments

and when he does, they’re usually shrouded in some kind of sarcasm or something, but this is all 100% genuine “i think you’re a great musician” complimenting right here. wow. wtf

the embarrassed smile that envelops on your lips moments before your names are called is enough for jihoon to know his words did their job

you two walk out to the center stage and do a bow beforehand as the crowd applauds you, and before you can walk over to your piano, jihoon grabs your hand and gives it a tight squeeze, one that you return with a whispered wish of good luck

your piece starts out as planned, where jihoon starts playing a soft and melancholy song, and you compliment him in stride on your own piano

everyone in the audience is prepared for another boring performance

and then you abruptly slam your hands on the keys, the crowd letting out a chorus of gasps, but jihoon just winks at you from under his hair and you two start playing like crazy

he plays the uniform version of the score first, and you follow with a wilder rendition, passing back and forth between each other like fire and ice in a dance

weirdly, it works??

you are strong key strokes and combinations of flamboyant transitions while jihoon is striking melodies keeping you on a track only you can hear and feel

he guides you through the song in such a way that could only be described as wind controlling a wildfire

it moves with the controller as the controller commands, but it also spreads and overtakes everything in its path like a wildfire would

by the time you’re finished, you both are beaming at each other even as the audience starts off in a stunned silence, and then melds into uproarious applause

the two of you take hands again and bow once more, the smiles on your faces far too large to contain then and there

it’s only when the both of you get off stage, making your way through the flurry of people complimenting the both of you and giving you congrats that jihoon’s parents find you two

they both look somewhere between surprised and confused as they look at their son

“that was… quite the performance, jihoon” his father says, looking a bit flustered as he says so

you can see the change in jihoon’s features as they look down on him, obviously waiting for their stamp of approval

“we didn’t even know you could play like that. you completely let go up there. there was so much passion we didn’t even know you had, jihoon. it was beautiful”

you watch with adoration as jihoon’s shoulders sink with relief and his parents take him in for a hug, just as your parents come to talk to you and you both end up getting swept up in all the formalities

it’s only a few hours later when it’s near midnight and most everyone has gone home and settled in for the night that you get a text from jihoon, which is already out of the blue because he rarely ever sends you a message first

jihooooon: meet me outside. i have something for you

disgruntled but intrigued nonetheless, you grab your jacket and head outside of the dorms, and sure enough, you see a familiar hooded figure standing in front of the dorms, the streetlights blaring down on his head and making him look orange in the night light

“don’t tell me you came all the way back to campus just to give me something. it couldn’t wait till the weekend was over?” you say, feigning annoyance as you let out a yawn

“my parents told me tonight changed something in them… they’re letting me choose to change my major if i want” is all he answers back with a nonchalant voice, but you can see the pleased smile peeking through in the corner of his lips

“oh my god!! jihoon that’s amazing. i’m so happy for-” “i told them i didn’t want to change though” “oh… why?”

and jihoon blushes…… like he actually literally goes tomato red in the face

“well,,, i mean,,, it’s kind of a big campus and like,,, if i changed majors i’d probably change a lot of classes and we might not,,,,,, see each other as often,, you know? and like,,, you taught me that i can have fun with the piano again. i found my passion again,, thanks to you”

you.jpg

“a-are you saying… you’re staying because i helped you find your passion for piano again? and because…. you’d miss me?”

he just scratches his head, and you realize that both of his hands are neatly tucked behind his back and with the shifting of his hand you hear plastic crinkle so you’re like o.O what’s dat

jihoon too seems to remember he called you out here for something and he holds it toward you: a huge, very fancy looking bouquet of red roses

“i had a feeling you might like something cheesy like this, and since i didn’t get to properly congratulate you on a job well done… i thought i might get these for you instead.”

you take the flowers into your arms and are surprised to find a lil card tucked into the petals of one, and when you grab at it, you’re practically melting

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to be too nervous to say this out loud, so if a card will do, would you like to go out on a date with me?” - ljh

you look up from the card just in time to see jihoon has shuffled an inkling closer, feet scraping the ground sheepishly as he awaits your response, looking nearly everywhere else but at you

suppressing an embarrassing fit of giggles behind your hand, you set the roses on the ground to give you and jihoon some room, “should I… say yes out loud or should I give my answer on a card too?”

inside jihoon is like YEAH I MEAN I’M NOT SCREAMING OR ANYTHING YOU ARE HAHAHAHA WOW AM I SWEATING???!!

outside jihoon however is like,,, “smart ass” with a little smirk

inevitably, date one turns into date two and by date three he’s kissing you over a plate of chicken wings and some leftover mozzarella sticks from the appetizers you two got at the bowling alley and everything is ethereal

while jihoon still has to deal with breaking away from his parents’ hold and learning independence, he finds it’s a lot easier to find confidence with you there

jihoon sees a lot of his younger self in you so naturally when he’s around you,,, you see a whole other jihoon

like he can usually keep it relatively toned down and stuff in crowds or around classmates but when you guys are alone it’s like you’ve unleashed a beast

he’s a giggly mess and you love it

honestly, when is he not giggling at something with you?

you: jihoon??? my joke wasn’t that funny?

jihoon: i know but like *dying of laughter* it was so bad i can’t help it

you’d totally take offense if his laugh wasn’t so friggin’ cute okay

it’s worse at night though because as you two get closer, he starts calling you to help himself fall asleep

so whenever you get on the phone with him at like midnight you guys just gush about the parts of your days that you didn’t get to tell each other about in person and it helps jihoon’s insomniac self tire his mind out

he always spills all his ideas and desires to you late at night and it helps him reason those thoughts out later, and as a plus, you really like listening to lee jihoon babble

it’s a win-win really

but oh god, don’t joke with him this late at night or he’ll turn blue in the face from laughing so hard and it would probably wake up his parents if he didn’t live on the opposite end of the house as them in his big old mansion

speaking of which,,, you’ve been to several times without his parents’ permission :)

but it’s mainly for movie nights, piano practice (which is really just the two of you fooling around and trying to play as many songs by shinee as you can), or helping him put together playlists for the radio show and stuff

but one of these particular nights, you and jihoon were snuggled up on the living room couch, tuckered out from a long day of classes and you both were nodding off to spirited away on the tv when his parents came home from their night out early

let’s just say mr. and mrs. lee finding a girl half asleep across their son’s lap was definitely not the way they thought they’d be introduced to jihoon’s girlfriend

but the awkwardness (thankfully) dissolved with a pot of his mother’s hot and famous brewed tea ten minutes later and soon, his parents were giving you the stamp of approval

your parents were kind of in disbelief when you told them you were dating one of south korea’s most prestigious piano prodigies until you brought said prodigy to the family cookout and they were just kind of like oh. cool. this is a thing that’s happening now i guess

your mom: are you sure his mom isn’t evil or that he’s not already engaged to a famous heiress he was old friends with that moved away to america to study??

you: about 100% sure, yeah

he likes your family’s wackiness though, they bring a little more normality to his life and they remind him of you completely

his friends make more appearances now too that jihoon has gotten himself an s/o, which jihoon can’t decipher if it’s a good thing or not yet

his friend mingyu is absolutely obsessed with using you to destroy jihoon’s stoic personality, so sometimes he’ll crack jokes about how he’s nearly twice jihoon’s size and sometimes he’ll just pull you into his side with a lil laugh just to see what the older boy will say

and usually jihoon doesn’t really care because you’re friendly and his friends are friendly and he’s honestly just happy his favorite people are getting along

but then mingyu just has to,,,, pus h it

mingyu: wow hyung, you have a pretty cute gf. shame you got to her first, i would’ve loved to have gotten the chance to talk to- 

jihoon: If You Like Having Kneecaps You Will End That Sentence There

and just to prove to mingyu he means business he’ll even go out of his comfort zone and give you a lil pda ,,, nothing too crazy,, a kiss on the nose,,, maybe

and mingyu is just laughing his ass off with joshua and seokmin in the corner bc seeing jihoon get all red in the face and at the tips of his ears is adorable

even tho pda isn’t really jihoon’s thing, he does get pretty into kissing you when you two are alone

he, without fail, either starts each kiss awkwardly or has you start it for the both of you

but once he’s getting swept up in you, he’s grabbing at your thighs and pulling you impossibly close and honestly??? you didn’t even realize he had it in him

like a switch goes off in his brain and all he can think is you you you, he can’t get enough of you

and with those unnecessarily long canines of his nipping at your lips and neck, he leaves you bitten and red all over when he’s finished with you

he never fails to leave you completely winded after a makeout session, and it’s a source of pleasure and pride for him

like nothing makes him feel better than knowing he’s flustered you with a kiss

it’s a boost of confidence for him honestly

and finally, this mushy baby plays you love songs every time he does his radio show

like no matter the theme or mood of the night, he’ll play you a love song at least once and say “as always, i dedicate this to my moon and stars. i hope you’re listening”

even if you two are mad at each other or haven’t been able to talk much, when you flip on his show, he always remembers to play something just for you, and it’s such a constant in your life

jihoon thinks, and god forbid it happens, that if you two break up one day, he’ll still play you songs

maybe not directly stated, and if you ever asked him about it he’d most likely not tell, but even then he’d still play you a song in the hopes that you were listening

jihoon has never been good with saying what needs to be said with words, but he’s always been good with music, and he’s never been more happy that you speak his language

in short, lee jihoon adores you, but you already knew that ;)

[cmpsbls]

STASH OF ADVICE

These are tips for future Nicole fr past Nicole who made a lot of mistakes this school year ┗(•̀へ •́ ╮ ) so I hope at least some of you can relate to this stash of tips I have kept for myself in my notes for incoming Senior High levels!

1.  WRITE NOTES ON GIVEN ACTIVITY SHEETS & keep your papers organized (please)

Write tiny notes on the given activity sheets instead of putting them in your binder notebook (ok my own preference tho!!) bc one paper = topic is better than multiple messy papers = one huge topic!

2.  Find the best kind of review style

so this year actually last school year but its been 100% proven this yr that I don’t really remember well when I read notes from a notebook (weIRD IDK WHY) so heres a list of the methods I personally use (bc Im pretty sure someone alrdy made a different kinds of studying methods here!! :> ) a) Loose leaf paper + intense color code: by intense color code I mean theres a specific color palette for every topic! b) Flashcards + color code: best when it comes to language classes (in my case I should have done this with every short story we read but I didn’t so I had a hard time n i only remembered terms fr my friends flashcards! (ᴗ˳ᴗ) ) c) Notes in book: useful when you need to remember like parts of something (like biology) you put the starting letter of every term under the major topic they’re under! like posterior pituitary: O, A : oxytocin and antidieuretic hormone! ヾ(´･ω･｀)

3. Color code your notes

I gave up like half way through the school year bc my pens started to dry out and I was too busy to go out and thrift cute gel pens that didn’t skip either ヾ(´･ ･｀｡)ノ” (also my askbox is open to fellow fil studyblrs who know cute gel pens..that aren’t mygel HUHU) and I do regret not color coding my notes bc since my attention span is so sHORT and looking at monochromatic notes doesn’t hELP THAT AT ALL u know i just ended up never opening my notebook so a) Color code your notes : use the same colors for everything b) How to color code: look at past notes and base it on that ｡ﾟ(ﾟ＾ω＾ﾟ)ﾟ｡

4. Rewrite notes (especially Math drills) (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

I don’t have pictures of my Math notebook at the moment since we submitted it but when I rewrite my notes I put notes on the drills I failed (ahem ..most of them) ( ꒪Д꒪)ノ so that I don’t forget like on this Algebra reviewer I had (like bc i forget to square root n shiz)

5. Buy pens you actually like

ok we’re all certified stationery addicts in this side of Tumblr but ok I regret all those D*iso ballpens I bought just bc they were cheap. I hated using them & they made my notes ugly? (・_・ヾ so @ / nic specifically pls buy gel pens only it fits ur aesthetic and u are oc with ur notes so just pls buy pens u like (also remember that planner u loved so much that u ruined it bc u used different ballpoint pens so now it looks uglie good job nice)

6. Get a TO-DO List app &  planner (ｏ・_・)ノ”(ᴗ_ ᴗ。)

I had various planners throughout the year (or more like any random notebook within my reach n copying the assignments on there) but as I got attached to This One planner I started filling it up but when I got home.. I don’t open my planner…at all. (シ_ _)シ so I found some apps that helped remind me to do my homework. Most of the time I would just put a reminder with the topic of the subject then the content would be: Check your planner so these are the few apps I downloaded a) Memorigi: ALL TIME FAV! the design is so minimalist n the icons + colors are super cute n theres enough space to put a lot of content n thats what I need for overlooking project progress SO YES MY FAV ー( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ b) Google Keep: perfect for like random brain dumps & checklists! c) Any.do: perfect for checklists or like short summary tasks! d) Wunderlist: same with for any.do if your tasks don’t need any specific details (like a grocery list for example) this app is perfect for u e) Ike: THIS IS CUTE bc like there r 4 boxes then u rename it to whatever u want (& they have cute color palettes too!!) then you assign your tasks to any box (like i had a christmas break goal, & a TO DO RN & a TO DO of the month & dreams/bucketlist) so this is super nice if u wanna see ur life goals not just acads!!

7. Shower when you get home

Literally I just started doing this at the end of the school year  (bc there was so much work to be done that One Week)(I usually shower like after dinner) & it helped so much, I, a certified coffee drinker/lover, was surprised that showering as soon as I got home helped more than having dinner with coffee (I kno..it bad) first before my shower! also wear comfy clothes while studying! (✿◠‿◠)

8. Wake up early on weekends to rewrite notes

FIRST OF ALL THIS IS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD! like im not even saying this like sarcastically but i felt like a true hashtag studyblr when i started doing this, bc 9.1) u can watch a movie from like 5am - 8 am without feeling guilty bc damn gurl i still got the entire day 9.2) its like ur fooling urself bc when its commercial break u can start doing homework n by the time the movie starts playing again ur like halfway done 9.3) good breakfast will push u to actually finish ur work ?? idk if its just me but it does 9.4) no one is awake at 5am on saturdays so (maybe) u have the entire house to urself u can sit on the floor while reading or plug in ur usb to ur tv and jam to ur study mix (bc admit it…having earphones on can be like sometimes distracting idk) 9.5) NOTHING INTERESTING ON UR TIMELINE!! bc everyones sleeping or ded or hungover fr friday night so ur forced to like do something else than just chat with friends

9. Do studyblr challenges (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I didn’t do any this school year but I feel like if I did 100daysofproductivity challenge I think I would feel guilty for skipping so much (✖╭╮✖) so this is a list of things I want to do next school yr a) 100daysofproductivity: post 100 days of productive days here on tumblr or anywhere! b) don’t break the chain: especially if it comes to math practice  (。-`ω´-) or exercise maybe! c) pomodoro timer: 25 minutes of intense studying //  i think i need to start using this method again!

so thats a wrap up for school year 2016-2017! it was a hellish school year （ﾉ´д｀） NO JOKE I WAS SO EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY PHYSICALLY stressed this year idk why but it was for me one of the worst school years and oh btw (don’t have a crush on ur classmate ur life will be ruined..or if they’re too cute..try getting into a new show or get a hobby n keep them out of ur brain bc u only need Knowledge And Wisdom for now my bbs don’t be like stupid nice) OK THATS THAT I hope you all have a wonderful day! Take care!! ｡ﾟ(ﾟ＾ω＾ﾟ)ﾟ｡

[dumbventjournal]

A Calendar for White Girls

Please dont ask me about anything you read im only posting this for me

A Calendar for White Girls

It was a gift, I think, though I’m not sure who it was from. It was a small 2012 calendar, one of those where you rip of a page everyday but I never did that. Instead, I wrote a few scribbled sentences about my day, most likely what I did in school, on the back of approximately three pages and gave up. Last summer I came to the realization that the days of the week and dates matched up for 2017 until March because of the whole leap year thing, so it sits on my dresser. I still rip off a page everyday, although it doesn’t match up anymore.

It’s definitely a calendar meant for little white girls. I have no doubt about it. Its laced with little illustrations and quotes that come off more annoying than inspirational. There’s maybe one illustration in it with a black kid. The whole thing kind of bothers me, especially since part of me chases that farm girl aesthetic I know could never actually work out. I like to think of owning the calendar as a sort of power play. I own this item that was certainly not made for a Chinese kid but I use it anyway. It’s how I want to go about life; things aren’t meant for me but I’ll make it work anyway.

In case you couldn’t guess, it doesn’t work out so well. There’s so much sacrifice in fighting for the life people would hate for you to have. I swear my neighbors can’t believe a Chinese family made it into an exclusive neighborhood such as this one, as if I like it here! My friends live at least twenty minutes away, and that’s by car. I definitely don’t know anyone in the neighborhood, and you should see that face people make when I’m bump into them taking out the trash and going on walks. Some people will know what I’m talking about; it’s like the other person is trying really really hard to pretend they don’t think anything is wrong with you. I hope I never make a face like that.

And schools love to push their diversity but you know that deep down they don’t really know if that’s what they want. I took my prep lessons and studied hard and got into this private school but it’s all so weird you know. I thought it would be time for me to gain some popularity and maybe shop at Brandy Melville like all the “California Girls” do. I did buy a tank top from Brandy Melville once though. I went alone and people were either being judgmental or they were just naturally bitchy. I try to convince myself that white girls aren’t naturally bitchy and they aren’t; they’re raised to be by their bitchy Moms. It’s funny because I have white friends now and I’m pretty sure I swore to myself I wouldn’t but you know, don’t blame them for the racism that stays alive inside of them and they don’t bother trying to get rid of!  I’d be a fool for thinking that a different school might be so much better but I can’t help but wonder. Yet now I know I can’t leave because I’ve got friends who don’t like it either but they mean so much to me.

I never thought I’d feel that way again but I do and it’s my friends and it’s such a good feeling. It feels like how my first romantic relationship felt before all the suicide-baiting and other causes for bad feelings occurred. I think that’s what I miss the most about having a significant other; it’s that fulfilling moment when you’re reminded that someone really gets you so much and you’re so happy and your mom wonders who it is and guesses a secret admirer or something. I swear with every message I get comes such a satisfying feeling. And I’ve found that in platonic friendship alone so it was such a surprise.

Yet it is so much better than having friends to take totally hot pictures with or friends who force you into uncomfortable mini skirts just for kicks. I regret every moment I fantasized about befriending kids like that because this is so much more. No shit on people who do have friends like that; it’s just not for me. I really do love my friends I hope they never find out because it’s so embarrassing for me to have good feelings. Also I hope they find out soon because they should know just how great they are. I just hope they can also feel the wonderful feeling. It keeps me going just like fashion and girls and other stuff my family probably disapproves of haha.

So what’s the whole deal with fashion? It really is a great distraction. I try to piece together cute creative little outfits to make up for my whole imperfect personality. I pine after a certain pair of trousers available at Topshop instead of some bravery or guts or determination. Everyone warns you against doing this but making myself look good tricks me into thinking I am good just for a bit and I can put off my problems for even longer and it’s great. When I tell myself I’m so much better for either following for ignoring certain trends I feel better. It’s not that deep.

Fashion can sometimes also be such a chaotic mess and I appreciate the messiness as well. It is healing to throw on a random top on top of another strange top and it doesn’t go together yet it does. I guess that’s how I want my life to be; things aren’t right yet they are. I wish I played video games instead since it’s funnier to people than fashion. But I have no hand-eye coordination and no patience. I wonder how I even play piano? Well I’ve quit swimming, dancing, and guitar, so go figure. Video games are somehow more respected as lame hobbies and I’m pretty sure it’s because the world hates anything that’s slightly feminine. My hobbies also include pretending I’m deep and writing shit like this and also some annoying whiny songs. Oh well. I hope I can stop giving a fuck about what other people think. We have a long way to go!