#especially considering that my sister is convinced we wont get another year here because the dog is so badly behaved

[milkweedman]

It's really something to hear my sister talk about how much moving was a mistake. Given that she is the only one who wanted to move and it was supposed to decrease her commute which it did not at all, and also cost me my entire life savings and a semi functioning knee. Like wow. It was a mistake you say. That's crazy bro. If only someone had told you this multiple times and tried to talk you out of it. Fucking alas.

[panicked-nights]

Be my husband, I’ll be your wife {SIREN}

Things get a little serious on New Year's Eve.

Triggers: None

@attina-the-responsible​

PANIC Honestly Panic and Attima had more bad luck at town celebrations than they had good luck at them. That of course didn't stop them from dressing warm and heading out to see the acorn drop like it did every year. And just like every town celebration nothing stopped people from going out and seeing what there was to offer. It didnt stop Panic from tucking a small box into his jacket along with his phone either. Nor did it stop him from taking his girlfriend's hand and treating her to hot chocolate when they got closer to the stand. And it didnt stop him from kissing his girlfriend sweetly in front of everyone.  "This year is the year everything changes. New year different bullshit and better bullshit?" Panic teased taking her hand back into his.

 ATTINA: Attina loved New Year’s. Despite her rather pessimistic, anxious attitude, she was actually rather optimistic on the whole. And New Year’s was always a time to start fresh! That’s how Attina saw it. It was a time to leave the year before behind and look ahead. And there was plenty to look towards with excitement— Most prominently took the shape of Attina’s ever growing stomach, tucked up in layers tonight but still slightly visible if one looked closely enough (which was potentially on purpose.) She walked with a spring in her step, despite the unbalanced equilibrium, and smiled into the kiss when it was offered. "That sounds about right," she agreed with a little laugh, giving his hand a squeeze. "I am hoping for the better bullshit but you can never tell in this town. Any new year’s resolutions?"

 PANIC One could only hope for better bullshit and it wasnt like Panic could whisk Tina away like some people did. He would if he could. Convince her to explore the world and see everything she may have once dreamed of. He wished she could. As it was. Where she was was his home. "I'm just hoping for better bullshit tonight to be honest. I'd like a nice calm acorn drop.... wow did that actually come out of my mouth." Panic pretended to shiver pulling Attona closer. "Oh no I'm becoming sentimental."

 ATTINA: Attina laughed, stumbling into Panic’s side. "Oi, you’re going to make me drop my hot cocoa," she pouted at him, though she was still smiling and took a pointed little sip. "I don’t know if it is too sentimental to want things to go calmly. I always prefer that to the alternative." As she thought, briefly, of those alternatives, her free hand strayed down to the curve of her stomach, as it had been wont to do the past weeks.

 PANIC Panic isn't even hesitate as he steadied Attina. Her balance was off and he knew that and well she was precious in general but considering she was pregnant Panic was a lot more cautious as well. "At least dont drop it on me. I quite like this jacket." Panic teased putting one hand in his pocket flipping his phone around in his hand. "I think its sentimental when it never mattered to me. Most people expect the demon to thrive in chaos."

 ATTINA: Attina snorted and rolled her eyes a bit. Panic and his ~cool leather jackets. (Not that Attina didn’t like a good leather jacket, no no, they were very sexy.) "Well, most people think you-know-whats are monsters too, so—yay us! breaking stereotypes!" She rolled her eyes again, though this time not at Panic but at the world. It was the reason, in the end, it didn’t matter to her that Panic was a demon. Only in the confusing, technical, navigating a relationship with two people in one body kind of way did it matter. But otherwise: Panic was Panic. He’d showed her his heart and she trusted it.

 PANIC Panic grinned at her snort. It was very silly he knew but it made him smile nonetheless. Even if she was muttering about their stereotypes. There wasnt much that could be done about that. Panic wasnt someone who wanted to change the world. Just live in it peacefully. "I'd say we could be monsters together. But I feel like that doesnt sound as romantic outloud as it does in my head."

 ATTINA: Attina laughed at that, a proper out-loud kind of bark, gigglesnort-thing that had people looking at her from nearby. It wasn’t romantic, not really. A little over a year ago, she wouldn’t have laughed at all. She would not have found it very funny. But what were you supposed to do, when you lived in a world where you and the person you loved couldn’t reveal your identities for fear of swift and merciless persecution? "You’re starting to sound like Andrina," she warned him with a chuckle. "I think it could be romantic in its own way, I suppose." She tilted her head to the side as if thinking about it, but really she was just resting her head on Panic’s shoulder now. "Except I don’t think either of us are monsters. The world isn’t that black and white."

 PANIC Well at least if he wasnt being romantic he was being funny. That was all worth it. The funny thing was while Tina might not have seen them as monsters. Panic had grown up thinking he was one. Even now he thought he was one. "Please never tell her that I dont think either one if us will survive knowing we sound like one another." Panic joked though he moved his attention to the acorn drop. "I'll have to up my romance game then."

 ATTINA: Attina snorted a little, rolling her eyes for a third time. Of all her sisters, she was least concerned for any animosity that Andrina may harbor towards her boyfriend. And yes, she knew it existed. They were both very good at pretending it didn’t. Besides: Andrina knew Panic made Attina happy and that he was good to her. And, as far as Attina knew, Andy and Panic were on decent enough terms. It wasn’t like Attina’s past boyfriends, where everyone had commented on how terrible they were and predicted their inevitable doom. (To be fair: Paul has also escaped such venom.) But the thing was: Attina had always been aware her boyfriends were shitty. Being treated well was still a novelty to her and she did not take it for granted. Especially not now, when she knew she had to tread carefully and not demand too much of Panic, lest he collapse under more weight than she’d ever put on any of her previous boyfriends. It was partially this fear that made her hesitant to criticize Panic’s romance. Not that she would anyway—despite her hopeless romantic tendencies, Attjna didn’t demand much. She knew she was a basket case and also easy to please. A surprise bouquet of flowers would sate her romantic appetite for at least a month. And she did think Panic did a very good job, so it was only partially in interest of placating him that she disagreed. "I think your romance is just fine," Attina told him, snuggling against his arm. "Just give me a New Year’s kiss and I’ll be good until Valentine’s Day."

 PANIC Oh Panic didn't like that. He assumed it was a joke, but that didn't mean that he liked it all that much. He would never let up on the romance. Not when they had their daughter on the way too. "I'll let you think that's all I'm doing and then surprise you with something else." Panic planned on a lot of surprises in the future. Attina deserved the world and while he didn't know if he could give it to her, he would try. "Do you have any resolutions for the new year?" Panic asked turning them to walk among all the New Years decorations.

 ATTINA: Attina raised her eyebrows, but she wasn’t going to complain about her boyfriend insisting on being romantic. She wasn’t going to expect much romance—or try not to anyway—but she also wasn’t going to say no. "Alright, I suppose that’s acceptable," she teased him as they started walking. They strolled, Attina distracted by all the twinkling lights that had been up since before Christmas, until Panic spoke again. "Hmmm," she hummed. "Travel, maybe. Though, I suppose that’s not realistic with a baby in tow. But even just up to London might be nice, I haven’t traveled in so long. And—be a good mother, I think. I don’t know how to...quantify that but I want to try." She tried not to worry about being a mum too much, and she didn’t, not really, because she really had done it so much and knew she had a mothering nature, but it was already so different. "What about you?"

 PANIC Panic hadnt really cared about twinkly lights before honestly his and Pain's apartment hadnt had a christmas tree the other yeara they were here either. But twinkly lights at Christmas that were still up at new years was perfect. And people disbursing to stay warm or get closer to the acorn drop just made the moment more perfect for them. "I want to be a good Father too." Panic started nodding at the very idea however they quantified it. At least they would be making a difference in her life. "We will have to try and make a trip out to Percy's family. They will want to see her as weird as that might be so there's some traveling." But things just for him. "I want to try learning a new skill. I'm not sure what yet but something I just do." Not connected to Pain or Percy.

 ATTINA: It was weird, but at the same time, Attina kind of liked the idea of it. She was used to a big family. And she wanted her daughter to be surrounded by people. An extra set of grandparents never hurt anyone. So, she just smiled and nodded a little at that and his next resolution too. "Ooh, that’s a good one. Like what? If you want to learn an instrument my family has you covered." She didn’t mention she could teach him, because she very rarely ever talked about her own musical talent. "Or Mellie has you for artistry. If you want sports, Aqua. Lana could teach you photography. Andy can show you how to hack. We’re a regular Von Trapp family." A joke she made a lot. What? It was true!

 PANIC That was a lot of options. Ones he hadnt even considered. Well I already started to learn BSL with Adella so that wouldnt count. Maybe something calm like drawing would be interesting. I dont even know what instrument would be fun to play and Idont want to be the typical man who only learns the guitar cause it looks cool." PANIC explained getting them finally to the perfect place where the lights dipped around a park bench. A lovely little halo of lights. "Do you wanna sit at all? We will be on our feet for the rest of the night at this rate. "

 ATTINA: Attina could give him a whole list of options: piano maybe most suited to those dexterous chef fingers, but there was nothing wrong with a solid guitar. There was also more complicated choices like a sax or harp, but those were instruments you grew up with. Ones that you understood with the innate sense of a native language. "Uhm, hm—maybe. I’m not incapable of walking long distances yet, though." She said this even as she took a seat, pulling him down next to her. She kissed his cheek. "We can’t see the ball drop from over here, we’re going to miss it." Even though it was still a while off, Attina didn’t know the exact time, she’d been ~living in the moment. Another, more secret, resolution of hers.

 PANIC No Tina of course wasn't incapable of walking distances yet but he wanted her sitting so he'd pretend if he needed to. Still he sat with her glancing around and once down at his phone careful to keep the box where it was. While he couldnt make sure everyone was where they needed to be he had the right time and he had to trust that everyone else would as well. "I think we've got a solid hour at the very least till we need to get closer. Do you wanna know another resolution of mine?"

 ATTINA: Attina briefly glanced down at Panic’s phone as he pulled it out to check the time. He was right, they had plenty of time. Which was nice, both because the decorations were beautiful and also, okay, maybe her feet hurt a little. The dreaded swollen feet soon on the horizon. Attina had made a pact with herself not to complain about the maladies of pregnancy post-morning sickness finishing. Good Vibes Only. And, really, she didn’t much feel like complaining anyway. She thought it was pretty amazing, even if she would detest the stretch marks and ultimate damage. She was not immune to mermaid vanity. However, she wasn’t really thinking about that—or much at all—simply enjoying the quiet and the buzzing anticipation of the new year. At Panic’s question, Attina tilted her head a little, for the first time sensing something might be up. "Of course," she told him, curiosity glinting in her eyes. "What is it?"

 PANIC Honestly Panic had this ring for a few months now. Had glanced around even sooner than that. Just in case something perfect came up. It wasnt hard to get Attina's ring size. Not when she had 6 sisters and he knew all of them. So he was prepared. He just wanted to make it special and it felt pretty special having it done just before new years with Lana ready to take pictures and the most if not all her sisters hovering somewhere in the general vicinity. He had done all that he could to make sure it was as special given the current situation. So with her question Panic twisted around so he was kneeling on one knee infront of her and finishing out the box from his jacket pocket opening it to a simple gold band with green and white gems. "I was hoping I could be a good fiance as well. I know we've done a lot of things backwards but Attina I've known you're the one for me since the moment we met and we were fake married for a week. I know I would have proposed to you given the chance and I know I want you in my life for however long that might be. I love you with all my heart and everything that I am. Will you marry me?"

ATTINA: For someone who had imagined this moment her whole life, when it finally came, she was a little slow on the uptake. In her defense: she was expecting a resolution, not a proposal! The reality dawned on her a little late and for the first few seconds, she only stared at Panic, then dropped her gaze down to the ring, which twinkled prettily in the festive lights. When her gaze flicked back up, her eyes were shimmering with tears and she covered her mouth with a hand. The words Panic spoke were somehow perfect—leaving not an ounce of doubt in Attina. Not in that moment. Her insecurities had slipped away like a school of fish, spooked by the surety of Panic’s love. She smiled and then nodded—and then, forgot to say anything. "Oh! Right! Yes! Yes, definitely yes!" she told him, her legs bouncing slightly with excitement before she leaned forward to throw her arms around his neck, almost knocking them both off balance.

 PANIC Panic had learned a lot of things about his girlfriend in the months they dated. Broke up and dates again. He knew the quirks and he knew sometimes how her mind worked. He knew that she would say yes. Even as the seconds slipped by waiting for things to process in her mind. ( of course he knew she would say yes he wouldn't have mentioned it to her family if he wasnt) He was quick to wrap his arms around her when she hugged him. Now that was the reaction he was expecting. Or well he was expecting to be knocked on the ground by her. "Well let me put this ring on your finger then so the whole world knows you've said yes."

ATTINA: For the record: under other circumstances, Attina definitely would’ve knocked Panic to the ground, but she couldn’t exactly do that at this angle from sitting on the bench—she was already smooshing her stomach enough just leaning over to hug him. Not that it was painful or anything, the angle was just wrong for a full on tackle-hug. However, she liked to think she squeezed him tight enough to make up for it. So intent on the hugging was she that Attina had forgotten about the ring, honestly. Which was part pregnancy-brain and part oh-my-neptune-I’m-engaged!-brain. But Panic was right, it wasn’t official until she got the ring on her finger. As soon as he mentioned it, she popped back and smiled wide, tears now bubbling over the lids of her eyes. She’d like to blame this on hormones too, but absolutely no one would believe her. She wiggled her fingers at him until he slipped the ring on and she held it up to admire it in the light. Attina loved her jewelry, she wore plenty of it: rings and bracelets and necklaces and earrings. Jewelry was a large part of mermaid culture and engagement and wedding rings were actually something the human world and mermaids shared. (Though both sexes wore them and on a different finger.) She’d never worn something on her left ring finger, though, leaving it for that special piece of jewelry. It felt a little funny on her finger but she just twisted her hand about in the light, admiring it. “Ooooh, it’s perfect!” she declared and then leaned over to kiss him, her left hand coming up to cup his jaw as she did so.

 PANIC Panic loved the blubbering tears in Attina's eyes. She was emotional and he was her rock. But that didnt stop his eyes over with tears as he smiled at her. Admiring the ring on her finger before taking her face in his hands so even if she hadnt brought him in for a kiss he would have kissed her. "Fair warning your sisters are around here so play nice." Panic whispered when they separated glancing around for them briefly before returning his gaze to his fiancee.

 ATTINA: The kiss was sweet and good. Full of promises and resolutions and the future. All things good. Even the quirk in all her furious planning (now she had to add a wedding to buying a house and baby stuff!!) wasn’t a problem. Not at all. If anything—it made her excited. She could easily make room for being a wife. For having a husband. When the kiss broke, she was still smiling and crying and giggled a bit as she caught sight of the tears glistening in Panic’s own eyes. She scrunched her nose playfully at him, her smile getting even wider. Her sisters were here?! "They knew?! Those bitches,” she hissed, but didn’t mean it at all. She leaned in and kissed Panic again. “Oh!” The kiss broke. “Are there pictures?!" She gave a delighted squeal and popped up off the bench, dragging Panic with her. “C’mon! We’ve got to go look! Oh! And tell Daddy! And tell Alex and Piper and Simba and Nala and Ella and—post on Instagram!" she said all in one breath.

[tumblunni]

also wtf who designed rune factory 4 this way THIS IS MY ONLY COMPLAINT IN AN AMAZING GAME why are all the romance routes entirely random?? even after youve reached the relationship milestones its COMPLETELY RANDOM whether the event will start every day same for every friendship event and town event and even some plot events you just have to sit there at your bed constantly skipping days for multiple years til the random number god gives you the marriage scene you did EVERYTHING to earn this marriage scene and you have nothing left to do but wait and youll never see any new events with that character until it happens, and you have a very limited amount of dates to go on while youre waiting, and they all do NOTHING except raise the relationship bar over maximum which does nothing. doesnt even increase the chance of the random event?? why even LET me increase it over maximum if it does nothing? thats just tricking me into thinking i havent unlocked the marriage event yet! when I HAVE and i just need to WAIT A BAZILLION YEARS OF RANDOM

anyway i finally got Leon’s random marriage quest and it was Awesome and So Many Tears and now im even more conflicted on who to marry gahhhhh its such a shame you cant resolve everyone’s plot unless you date them, i feel so bad dating all these people when im not able to marry them all, just cos i wanna fix their lives and make them happy but then theyre gon be sad that we didnt get married aaaa

and Leon is especially saddddd

now cos his whole plot is that he had a depressing scenario with a friend as a kid. She loved him but he saw her as just a little sister, and he jokingly promised to marry her once when they were too young to understand. And he didnt know she took it seriously until after he DIED and reincarnated as a fox monster person centuries later too late to do anything about it. And he’s crushed full of guilt that he somehow led her on, and he was never able to apologise, and he’s scared she spent her whole life waiting for him to come back. and then you get this very cool series of sidequests thatre a realistic look at translating languages, and its really motivational how leon is able to help bring knowledge of a dead language back to life and preserve the ancient culture that people thought was lost BUT THEN ENDLESS FUCKIN TRAGEDY kiel accidentally finds an old diary of leon’s friend (WHAT ARE THE ODDS) and he has frickin detailed anxiety attacks unable to even hold the damn paper cos he’s shaking so much and you go on a big treasure hunt to find all the pages and he’s just CRYING SO MUCH mr playboy man! mr flirty asshole! mr stoic! he’s fuckin crying and he cant hold a book without your help and aaaa and his whole story is about how he isnt really the negative stereotypes of a flirty character, he really REALLY values love and he feels depressed he cant love everyone who loves him, so he tries to fake it. And he tries to push people away whenever it seems genuine, but also like... entertain them enough that they dont feel he doesnt love them, i guess? and no matter how promiscuous a person is, they still cant love EVERYONE, you cant just force a relationship on them and say they must be asking for it cos they date other people and enjoy sex. its so depressing that he considers his biggest flaw that he wasnt able to force himself to love someone he didnt, especially when he did care about her, just as a best friend instead! if theyd just talked about it, it would have saved all this heartache for both of them! so then we start piecing together this book and it looks like his worst fears are confirmed, she spent her whole life waiting for him and hating him and its really fucking EXPLODINGLY SAD and then the quest is a bit confusing so i spent several days stuck on this point not knowing who to talk to next, going through random dungeons in case that somehow helped. turned out i did find the right spot but the quest just doesnt progress until you talk to the right person first GAH! stuck for five days on crying leon scene!! NOOOOOO but I finally got past it and CLIMACTIC HAPPY END or bittersweet end more like we find out we mistranslated one bit which was actually PAGE NUMBERS, and we were missing a page all along! and then the final page reveals that she actually moved on and found a new love and had a happy family and grew old together, and her only frustration with leon was imagining that he couldnt find the same thing, worrying that she’d betrayed him. So this wasnt a diary, it was actually a letter she wrote for him to find, having confidence he’d wake up someday and have another chance at happiness! She just wanted him to know that she kept his memory alive and she’s sorry and she was happy and AAAAAAUUUGH im tearing up again the bit that really got me was that we find out that leon’s favourite romance novel was actually written by her. It was so popular it survived into the modern day as a literature classic, and it convinces him that she really was happy with her new boyfriend if she could write something as beautiful as this. And he wants to embody the spirit of the book with you, and keep his new promise to her to have a happy family of his own :) ... AGHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH why cant i marry everyone why do so many of them have plots where it seems like they wont be happy unless i love them... even now i dont really think the leon pairing is my favourite, i wish i could have had this plot as a friendship route! i think it would have resonated just as much since the whole backstory is about him being friends with someone who had unrequited love for him. i wanna be leon’s bestie and ultimate wingman! I like him a lot but I dont really think i wanna marry him! IM SO SORRY LEON AAAA he’s such a soulful beefcake dammit I’m sure he’d find a bazillion better lovers! I’m sure a lot of players did marry him! WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY AAAAA its not fair, aaaa arthur was the first one i dated and i also really care about him but in his case his way of acting in the romance isnt very different to when youre just friends so i dont think i wanna commit to that relationship maybe? it might change when i see his final random event but i dont get much ‘he’ll be happy with you’ vibes, its just strengthening their powerful brotp that they had from the start of the game. he feels like someone protagonist would indeed date, but theyd part again on friendly terms after it didnt work out, and then be amicable exes who still care a lot about each other. and I just feel like I wanna marry dylas even though he’s had the least tragic events so far. gahhhh! he just seems SO HAPPY dating you, and has loads of character development since it started, unlike the other two ive seen the dates for. he feels like he’s actually getting something out of this that he wouldnt if we were just friends? its so hard trying to weigh up the pros and cons of romance options in games when im inacapble of actually being attracted to anyone, its just ‘i care about you all and i wanna give you the best possible ending’. I haaaaate when games have it so that romance is always the best possible ending for every single character and they all suffer forever if you dont pick them :P and I havent even seen the romances with the other three dudes yet! GAHHHHH!! Theyre all the ones I wasnt immediately interested in dating, but that opinion could totally change, i could end up with a six way tie :P ... ALSO RANDOM BUT is anyone else really uncomfortable with the queerbaiting in this game? there is a LOt, a LOT of ‘lol maybe gay’, sometimes so clear that it seems the game is outright canonically stating this character is gay or bisexual yet you have no option to marry them unless youre the opposite sex. It gets REALLY uncomfortable with Dylas, he just,,, does not express any interest in women at all unless the player pursues him. And his mutual crush with doug is CONSTANTLY REFERENCED, and called out very clearly for what it is. IOf the game didnt keep pointing it out i would have been able to shrug it off as just accidental chemistry from a failed rivalry plotline or something, but we have EVERYONE saying ‘oh a lover’s quarrel’ and ‘be honest about your feelings’ and ‘i bet you wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and ‘gee i really wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and IT CANT BE ANY MORE CANON THAN THIS. And.. like.. Dylas even says he DOESNT wanna see women in swimsuits, he’s just here at the beach cos Doug might come along. He does not express any interest in women at all except the protagonist! It makes me feel SO uncomfortable! it feels like he’s actually gay, when with most other characters they seem bisexual?? I dunno how to explain it, thats just how it comes off to me. Why is there no option for him and doug to date, why cant i date him as the male protagonist?? His romance route is so totally gender neutral, i did the postgame protagonist swap cheat and it just feels more in-character for him this way. if im gonna steal him away from Doug i dont want it to be a weird gay conversion therapy type thing, it just feels so WEIRD. The one and ONLY stated crush he has on another character, and its gay, and theres NO OPTION FOR IT TO HAPPEN and then he suddenly becomes 100% straight and never talks about doug again if a fem protagonist dates him. SO WEEEEEIRD... I’m just gonna sit here on the non-canon bonus feature dylas x male protag train and never leave. If you cant have doug you shall have the transitioned me! Its funny cos he’s like the only batchelor i very vehemently cannot ship with fem protag, yet do with male protag :P but GAHHH leon deserves a family and i could give him a child and aaaaa SO HARD TO CHOOSE also i am sad that the postgame cheatmode lets you switch to any character but if its not one of the two protags its only your overworld model and not your face portraits. Its weird because every batchelor and batchelorette has the exact same full set of emotions and costumes, so why cant i access that?? its also a shame cos it means i cant roleplay my doug and dylas marriage properly :P CMON MAN WHY U EVEN TELL ME THEY IN LOVE IF THEY CANT BE IN LOVE :P they have the best portmanteau ship name too! douglas! :P

[jackoshman]

#BellLetsTalk

let me introduce myself for those not close to me: i’m josh, a university freshman from a middle-class family. a middle-class home in a middle-class neighborhood. i’m a white jewish cis male so, you know, the world is pretty much set for me to succeed - i’d like to start this by explicitly making note of that. i live on treaty 1 land, the land of the dene, anishinaabe, oji-cree, metis, ojibwe, cree and dakota nations (although the dakota never signed treaty 1). no matter my problems, there are many that inherently have had it much tougher simply because of their skin colour, religion or sexual orientation.

all that aside, i write this with hopes that i can reach 1 person who is going through something similar to my life. i’ve been reading a lot of articles and stories from people that are experiencing the same adversities, and i’ve found a lot of comfort in seeing that i’m not alone. 

i wont beat around the bush. lets get right to it.

my mother has struggled with a crack/cocaine addiction for approximately 12 years. it has been generally swept under the rug, as most families with addict-parents and small children do. until last year. after spending a lot of time at my girlfriends house and seeing how other people live, i convinced my mom to join narcotics anonymous. this was one of the hardest conversations i’ve ever had to have.

although she struggled to stay sober for months after her first NA meeting, the dialogue opened and i have been able to start my healing process. i’ve realized my deeply-rooted anxiety problems and just being able to be open about this has been such a free-ing experience.

i know there are many questions. how did our household function? what was it like?

right off the bat i’d like to mention my mother never used in front of me until this last year, which was another huge step towards pushing me to get her help. for over a decade she was able to keep me pretty sheltered. in 10+ years i only spotted strange men leaving my garage maybe 4 or 5 times. i only saw the lingering, distinctly thick smoke a handful of times. i rarely came face to face with a pipe and never the actual substance itself. my mother really did make a conscious effort to make sure my sister and i were never completely traumatized. for me personally, the events i look back on as traumatizing (seeing the smoke, dealers, my mother high) only have emerged as traumatizing this year, when i actually realized they were traumatizing. many childhood memories are tainted with the idea that my mom was likely either high, about to use, or in the process of using, just across the hall from my bedroom.

to give some more context, i’ll go a little further back.

my mother’s sister committed suicide on halloween in 2006. i was 7 and my sister was 9. this sent my mother spiraling into a deep depression and so her use increased. by the time i was 9 and my sister was 11, we were used to my mom being locked in her room for hours each night. because we grew up with friends who lived across the street and loved playing outside for as long as we could, we definitely used this to our advantage and got to stretch our curfews more than a few times. -

- this is an incredibly common thing among children of addict-parents. because an addict’s behavior is so dramatically different depending on what amount of substance is in their blood, the rules of the house get bent or changed basically at complete random. this plants a seed of mistrust in the child; a lack of trust between the child and their parent, and generally all figures of authority.

in november of 2008, i was in the 5th grade. i remember waking up one day and instantly knowing i was late for class - this was a frequent occurence in our house, another product of our complete lack of real structure. sometimes when i noticed i was late, i would just lie in bed and wait for my mom to wake up and yell at me and then go to school for the afternoon or whatever. this was one of those times.

the hours went by. it was almost lunch time and my mom hadn’t come to yell at me, so something felt strange. i left my bed to go see if she was still sleeping. her bed was empty. i looked out the kitchen window to see if she had left but the car was in the garage. i checked the living room, nothing. and then i checked the basement. the light was on, which my mom always got on us about turning off. when i go down the stairs i see my mom asleep on the couch. a little unusual perhaps, but nothing that extreme. i walked over and began to lightly shake her to wake her up. nothing. no response at all. i shook her harder. still nothing. it was at this point that i went upstairs, got dressed, woke my sister up and filled her in with what was happening. we both went back down and shook her at the same time. my moms eyes briefly opened and she made out a few unintelligible sounds. after maybe 10 more minutes of this my mom finally gained enough consciousness to assure us she was fine and sit herself up. within 10 seconds she was completely slouched into her own lap. we shook her again. she fell to the floor and went completely limp. i ran to the phone and dialed my baba. my grandfather picked up and i did my best to explain what was happening. although clearly confused and unclear about what was happening, he came over within about 10 minutes. it was when we lead him down the stairs to her that i actually noticed something weird. there were pills scattered everywhere (my mom was on a plethora of anti-depressants, pain-killers, etc.). my grandfather dialed 911 and luckily she made it and spent the next 2 weeks in the ER and psych ward at the hospital.

it wasn’t the hospital visits that were the most difficult. after the ambulance came to get my mom, i was dropped off at school and all my friends rushed to me to ask why i was late. i had no idea what to tell them. i had no idea what the fuck just happened. the first responders explained to me that my mom must have accidentally taken too many sleeping pills. even though i always considered myself the smartest person in my class, i completely believed thats what happened. but i was too ashamed to even tell my friends that; i just walked away holding back tears until i could get to the washroom and let it out. the rest of the day i avoided the question and all the kids, as kids do, got something else to be excited about. - 

- a few follow ups to this story: i didnt understand my mother attempted suicide until years later. looking back i have absolutely 0 idea how it took me so long to realize this, but what i’m finding is that it’s extremely common among children of addict-parents to have distorted ideas of reality. because children are often given a sugar-coated version of stories, children of addict-parents are at an exponentially higher risk to confuse what they see with what their told and so they have trouble wondering what’s real and what isn’t. their external and internal realities often exist separately. are they crazy? is it their judgement that’s flawed? obviously it’s easy to see that the child is rarely delusional, but for the child that may be difficult to see, especially if they have nobody to talk to about this problem, which nicely ties in the 2nd follow up to this story: living with an enormous family secret is one of the toughest things a child can experience. mainly, the shame is unimaginably overwhelming. a child of an addict may avoid friendships with other children and may feel they cannot invite their friends to their house, because their parent might be at home high, coming down from the substance, in the process of getting high or drunk, and the parent will embarrass them. another result of a major family secret is fear and/or paranoia. a child of an addict lives in constant fear of having their truth revealed to someone outside the house. the child is constantly worried they might be taken away from home and put into the foster system, and that their parent could go to jail for their addiction.

after reading x many articles theres definitely a lot of the same things i’m noticing between the stories and experiences of children of addicts. heres a small guide that can help u understand ur trauma if u are a child of an addict, or a guide that will help u offer better support for those u know who had a strange childhood:

lets talk about “normal”. i briefly eluded to this before but i want to be more clear. children of addicts have no idea what the fuck normal is. let me tell u. generally speaking, normal shouldn’t include instability, fear, or any form of abuse. for children of addicts, this is literally new information. normal for us is taking care of your household, your siblings, your parent(s), and very rarely yourself. this is a major reason that many children of addicts are seen as pushovers or unable to stand up for themselves. we’ve learned forever to put other people before ourselves, because nobody has put us first. ever. an addict parent, to be very blunt, puts their addiction before their children all the time, whether they mean to or not.

fear. fear is an instinctive feeling that everyone experiences at some point or another. everyone is afraid of something. but it’s very different for children of addicts. we live in fear most of the time. and the fear is hidden — sometimes very deeply. we’re afraid of the future, specifically the unknown. the unknown has been our reality for many years. we may not have known where our parents were, or when they’d return. we might not have known if there would be a pleasant family dinner or awkward silence through the whole house. while we may know now that we no longer have to worry about our households because we’ve moved out or some other reason, life can still be terrifying. coming home and not knowing what to expect (at all), all through your childhood, is a major factor in making us incredibly anxious people. this fear or anxiety may express itself in a number of ways, everything from anger to tears. we probably won’t recognize it as fear or anxiety without professional help or doing our own research. so read as much as u can!

we feel guilty. about everything. we don’t understand self-care. we don’t have clear-cut boundaries. if we stand up for ourselves, we feel guilty. if we take care of ourselves, we feel guilty. our life is built on a foundation of i give to you and receive nothing. we don’t know how to receive. this is a super tough thing to learn for us and can take a really long time to understand.  it was very difficult for me to move out for this reason. how could i not be there to help my mom? shes kinda fucking crazy and doesn’t have many friends. what is she gonna do without me? eventually you have to hold your addict parent accountable, solely for your own mental health. you didn’t make them an addict. get yourself some space and distance. you can tell them to join AA or NA (which aren’t that helpful for a large % of people, sadly) or some other rehab program, but at the end of the day the addict has to want to get better. and that is only on them. nothing to do with u. at all. trying to empathize and work with an addict will drive u insane cause their brain doesn’t work properly anymore.

obviously, we had no peace in our childhood. we don’t know peace. chaos, stress, unrest: these are comfortable for us. we feel at home in these circumstances, not because they are healthy, but because they feel normal. we develop different survival tactics that people shouldn’t need until much later in life. we have trouble planning things and managing our time. many of us would rather live without a schedule. nothing in our households have ever been consistent. and so we learn to deal with random fucking shitstorms all the time.

after a month and a half of detox and rehab programs, my mom is now a few months clean and i am living at home. things can always get better. that being said, getting here has been the toughest thing i’ve ever had to do in my life, and by no means is it over. addiction is a struggle my mom will have to deal with daily. i have panic attacks. but reaching out to others for support has been instrumental in getting my life in order.

i know i talked about this already but having to keep a secret like this from your friends and other family members is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and after over a decade this manifested in me into anxiety, depression and paranoia. because i couldn’t explain this problem to anyone without explaining the root of it, nobody knew what i was going thru for over 5 years. opening up to my closest friends, some of over 15 years, has been the toughest but best thing ive ever done (they have been wonderful so i’d like to thank them here for that). i’ve cried more in the last year of my life than the other 17 combined. it has been sooooo worth it and i can’t stress that enough. i was never able to have any sort of real relationship before i sorted my brain out, and this is often the case for those struggling with mental illnesses and/or trauma. there is nothing more important than than your own mental health. put yourself first for just a bit. sharing your experiences opens the doors for yourself and others who are struggling to come forward.

this is also (maybe obviously) why i’m so hellbent on doing away with the war on drugs - and capitalism as a whole but i’ll leave that for another day - because i’ve literally been on the dark side of it. the war on drugs, though ADMITTEDLY a war on poor (black) people, has failed massively as a detterent away from drugs. treating addicts like criminals is the worst and most damaging thing we can possibly do. my mom was scared of getting help for all of those years, and partially, rightfully so. coming forward with two young kids could’ve sent me and my sister away from her, could’ve put her in jail, not to mention the massive public shame she would feel from the jewish community, and our local community. keep in mind were just a middle class family in winnipeg manitoba. the damage the war on drugs has taken onto marginalized communities across the USA (especially) and the world is beyond measure. what we know concretely, is that this system of prohibition doesnt work. it never has over the course of modern history. what does work is decriminalizing, best showcased in Portugal where money once spent on harrassing and imprisoning addicts has been redirected into rehab programs and subsidies for companies willing to hire addicts. this is what progress looks like!!! their overdose and addiction rates generally have plummeted since decrimnalization. the choice here is simple.

anyway thanks for reading my rambled story. thank you to everyone voicing their issues today. dialogue is our best medicine. be kind to each other and think about where people may be coming from before you jump to conclusions about them.

love, josh