#especially cuz life always does the unexpected and you are likely not prepared for change lol

[eccentricwearsgoggles]

about to open up about some personal stuff briefly. the purpose of doing so, is so that others who feel similarly have a positive reminder or just like, idk not feel alone about it. but I guess it's also cuz I don't always talk about it, but it's on my mind at times.

anyway. Growing up into my teens and even after, I had low self esteem and thus, didn't think I'd ever have like...any kind of steady relationship that would build up into marriage and it gave me a lot of bad and negative emotions. (Which, idk I'm pretty sure my parental issues were super evident, especially once I really figured things out later.) Thoughts like, "I'm never enough. No one's going to love me like the way I'd love them. I'm no good, I don't deserve it. What's wrong with me?"

Those are all some pretty self-deprecating thoughts. Especially when you look around and feel like everyone's got it figured out more than you do- which to say, might not always be the case as much as you think it is. Which, sometimes can be hard for me a lot of my acquaintances and friends, either younger or older are in serious relationships or married.

That's some of the difficult stuff, because you're wondering why you don't have that. I've mostly kind of come to terms with being single currently, it's not what I envisioned for my age. But like, there's probably reasons why it's this way, and not necessarily for negative reasons. I now understand there's nothing wrong with me, I choose to remain this way. Maybe we don't always feel like we choose that. But frankly I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't take me seriously or share important values/goals as I do.

There's underlying reasons as to why I wanted companionship while I was depressed. A lot. self worth and esteem issues, problems with home life, work, and perspective on life and circumstances. The main thing I was missing was the foundation I've found through my faith, as well as having the help to understand /why/ I was feeling how I did. I've needed true friendship in my life. I've started really building on that in the last couple of years and it's helped me a lot.

NGL I doubt it's going to go away entirely, cuz it's natural. I still would like to marry, but I'm a lot more accepting of the fact if it doesn't happen. But now that things are more stable in my life, and I've got a clearer head... I do want that. And that's okay. But doesn't mean there's something wrong with me if it doesn't happen. We just have expectations because of perspective and when we look at what others have or don't have. Everyone reaches goals or attain things at different paces, and when you do, hopefully you're able to look back and appreciate the growth you've made.

so like, hope you find strength and support in your family and friends that you have.

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he’s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

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Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

———————————————-

Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

————————————————-

Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[rontufox]

trans ask game taken from here!

How did you choose your name?

I wasn’t gonna change it initially.  I like my given name.  but I don’t like attention or talking irl, especially about myself.  so I figured I’d have a simpler time if I changed it to something more people considered masculine  

my new name had to start with B so my initials could remain BLT.  I also wanted a “white” name cuz although I’m biracial, my given name was white, and it just feels weird to have a name of totally different feeling, in that regard

the only B names I liked were already associated with people I knew, which I didn’t want.  so I kinda stopped.  I wasn’t motivated to find a name LOLOL.  one night, my cousin asked what I’m changing my name to.  when I was like “idk man I can’t find any I like” he pulled up a huge list of B names on the internet and just started reading them off the whole night lolol.  a few resonated with me, but Brian really felt right.  

I like how it sounds out loud, the feeling it gives.  I like its meaning (strong, virtuous, and honorable or hill/noble).  it’s Irish, which I am, so that was perfect.  and, amazingly, the strokes involved in writing it are actually really similar the ones I use for my given name

in the end I’m even more glad I changed my name, for feeling so much more of a self-made person.  it was kind of a new start, where I could decide anything.  I chose my own name.  I could choose anything else in life I wanted.

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)

my dysphoria stopped after I got top surgery and transitioned socially ✌🏼

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

in college.  that’s when I fully learned the term.  I always knew what I was since I was 5 or 6.  but college is when I learned there’s a term and community for what I was.

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

just, being able to be myself, freely.  

How would you explain your gender identity to others?

trans guy

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? 

I thought I’d stay closeted irl forever honestly.  it always seemed something I’d never be capable of.  coming out as trans was something incredibly strong people did.  people who were wiling to change their entire life.  well... I eventually became that person.

I first came out to my online friend Bsumo.  that was easy cuz they’re amazing, and we talked about gender so much anyway.  then I came out online, only on tumblr (I’ve been stealth online all my life).  after that, I personally told a few people irl I really trust.  next in line was my parents.  I had no idea how that would go.  but I was prepared to be rejected.  it went okay

then I had to come out at work.  I wanted to do that before making an announcement to my extended family via facebook to avoid anyone at work seeing it.  and that, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I’m very fortunate to work in a progressive organization, so I knew I’d be okay.  but it was hard.  I first told the CEO and our HR person.  it’s really, really hard to let the words out.  but I did it.  and the second I did, it was like... a floodgate.  like, there was absolutely no turning back at that moment and I loved it.  I told the rest of my coworkers in a meeting a few weeks later.  I gave them my new name and the pronouns they should use for me.  the older generation staff members had trouble getting the hang of it, but I didn’t meet any intentional resistance

I will say, you receive allyship and rejection in very unexpected places when you come out.  people you thought would support you that don’t.  people you thought would avoid you, reach out and advocate for you.  it was all quite an interesting experience.  

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

none

What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

tried binding a few times before I had surgery.  I couldn’t stand to wear it more than 3 minutes.  it triggered a fight or flight response in my body for some reason.  like the panic you feel when your finger or limb gets stuck in something and your life flashes before your eyes as your mind overreacts thinking you’ll never escape.  I even cut a binder off with scissors once cuz I felt like I needed to get it off NOW.

Do you pass?

yeah, unless it’s over the phone lol!

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

top surgery and T.  I woulda still been miserable to this day if I hadn’t gotten top surgery.  but I kinda took T on a whim.  see if I’d like it.  I’m glad I did, I really enjoy it.  out of all the changes I love my sideburns the most!

How long have you been out?

3 years!

How does your family feel about your trans identity?

frankly I don’t care lolol

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

I’m kinda in the middle.  I’m open about being trans online.  I pass irl so I’m pretty much stealth there to strangers.  but if anyone ever asked if I was trans, or if a trans discussion ever came up, or if I was just talking bout my past where it’s relevant to the story, I’d be fine revealing I’m not cis

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

1) that no, people don’t secretly see you as a guy, 2) the term trans,  3) that you can get top surgery without any therapy involved (I thought I’d never be able to get it because of that, I resigned to that fact for so many years when I could’ve been arranging it!)

What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

lol I’m not sharing that

What do you wish cis people understood?

I honestly don’t think about that much

What impact has being trans affected your life?

it didn’t affect me much til puberty.  before puberty I sorta deluded myself into thinking everyone around me secretly regarded me as a boy but weren’t allowed to show it.  when puberty came my life ended.  dysphoria really made me suffer all through my 20s.  and I always hated being seen and treated the way people did.  I’ve never ever disliked being trans.  it’s always been me.  but now I live so fully and happily.  I love being trans

How do you feel about trans representation in media?

I really do not want it unless a trans person is the one creating it.

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

can I say myself? lolol

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

making/reblogging trans posts is the extent of what I do.  I did do a few things irl--helped carry a huge trans flag during pride once.  it was an amazing experience, but way too overwhelming for me lol.  tried going to our trans masculine group at my local lgbt center but had a bad experience with one of the members there, and he later became the group facilitator so lol

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

same as I do now

What trans issue are you most passionate about?

trans youth having all the info they need to be aware of themselves and make decisions about their own lives

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I’m aroace and it’s amazing!  I love being ace!  being both trans and ace made me wonder how the heck my life’d pan out in terms of having a partner.  cuz I did always want one.  but I thought I’d have a pretty low chance of finding someone I liked (I don’t like many people LOL) who also embraced and understood both my transness and aceness.  and who made it simple and easy for us on both ends.  maybe the chance was low, but I got the perfect partner now ❤

How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was just painful.  there’s not much more you can say

[keyboardpunk]

I’m Not Drunk, You’re Drunk

Chocobros x Fem!Reader

Drinking headcanons... for science and cuz I need this in my life.

Be warned that lots some of these are sexual; so, mature content ahead! Also, immature humor cuz I’m a horrible person. Also, second warning because these suck and I’m sorry about that.

Thanks for reading and hope ya’ enjoy!

Noctis Lucis Caelum

He likes coke spiked with some variation of whiskey or rum. It’s a nice mixture of sweet innocence from the soda and hard bitter from the strong alcohol.

Noctis has a tendency to over-estimate his ability to hold his alcohol. He probably just doesn’t care and will drink as much as he wants. Sometimes, it’s just one and he’s loosened up. Other times, he’s definitely drunk and needs to sit the fuck down.

Gladiolus and Ignis babysit when he gets drunk. If you’re around, they’ll push that responsibility onto you, as well. Because drunk prince is a dangerous prince, especially if Prompto is teetering on the edge of drunk, as well.

They get a little wild. Like shitty karaoke cuz they’re not even trying and can’t stop laughing. Don’t let them wander the streets. Who knows what will happen. Probably nothing bad. They’ll just make a lot of noise and talk about how much they love their girlfriends and it’s kinda annoying.

Aside from Prompto’s ability to make him playful - which is true when he’s sober, too - Noctis is mostly just completely relaxed when he’s been drinking. The stress of being a king at such a young age... the weight of a kingdom’s fate resting upon his shoulders... the responsibility pushing down on him... Alcohol makes it all seem so much easier. He doesn’t feel particularly light headed or airy, just calm.

He wants to do stuff with you, though. Not anything exciting, but like slow dance in front of the fridge while you make sandwiches at two in the morning. Or go outside and look up at the stars because he just doesn’t pay attention to little things like that. Oh, and play with your hand. Like, admire how much smaller it is compared to his, and your adorable fingers.

Alcohol makes Noctis want to eat... a lot. Anything he can get his hands on. He can go through a whole pizza in less than fifteen minutes.

He won’t stop talking. Not annoying or unwanted talking, but holy shit is he possessed? His sentences aren’t exactly complete, though. “Hey, you-... What? I was just thinking... Remember when we fell in the lake fishing last sum - nnnhahaha... It was funny. You were mad, too... I like it... when you get mad... You look so cute. You do, now, too... Nah - beautiful... Co’mere... let me kiss you... Mah breath stinks? Mmm - don’t care...”

Smiley, a little giggly... and so damn cute. He wears a small smile when he’s drunk, evolving into a toothy grin when he retorts, “I’m not drunk,” every time you call him out for it.

At some point, he’s lounging on his bed, his pants are falling off and his shirt is hiked up. Though, you immediately realize it’s intentional, especially when he starts undoing his belt and sliding it slowly through the loops. It looks like just lazy undressing. But, when he lets the belt drop to the floor and starts slowly peeling his jacket off-... Is he seriously strip teasing right now? That bastard.

Like a good girlfriend, you try to reason with him. ‘Noct, you’re definitely too drunk to consent to anything right now.’ He just grins and continues his slow strip, purposely spreading his fingers over his six pack before finally peeling his shirt up and over his head. “You can take advantage of me.”

He doesn’t even finish stripping, just gropes himself through his pants, blatantly taunting you. What an evil, manipulative little twit... But, no sane person could possibly say no to that face. Must be some kingly hereditary thing.

Unlike when he’s sober, Noctis doesn’t immediately roll over and fall asleep. Perhaps the most startling thing alcohol does to him is keep him awake. Until he sobers up, he just can’t sleep. He’ll lay in bed, atop the sheets, completely still, yet completely awake. Secretly, he hopes you’ll stay up with him, but doesn’t dare ask you to.

Needless to say, the next day is hell. Even if his hangover isn’t particularly terrible, by four AM, he’s sober and passed out. Chances are, Ignis is going to wake him in two hours. Be prepared for red eyeballs, eye bags, and a horrid frown. He probably won’t say anything all day. Not that he’s mad... he’s just fuckn’ tired.

He never learns.

Prompto Argentum

You can bet your ass Gladiolus teases him about this. Prompto doesn’t care for beer or whiskey or any of that hard stuff. He likes what most would describe as women’s drinks: margaritas, spiked lemonade... his favorite being long island iced tea. Don’t be fooled. He can handle more alcohol than most give him credit for. In fact, his long island iced teas are no joke.

Will have a beer if that’s all there is and everyone else is having one. Grimaces through the first half and is fine through the rest.

Prompto usually doesn’t drink himself drunk. He does, however, have no qualms about getting tipsy. For him, tipsy is a pleasant, albeit slightly dizzy, high. He feels more confident than usual, and perhaps a little stupidly so. He feels energetic, a little light headed, and giddy for no goddamned reason.

Then suddenly has to pee. Like really freakin’ bad - get the fuck out of the way. But afterwards fine for the rest of the night.

Alcohol makes him a music enthusiastic. He suddenly feel like listening to things he doesn’t when sober. For example, vibrating club music isn’t so bad all of a sudden; and, the soft jazz Ignis plays - that he usually doesn’t care for - is suddenly majestic ear pleasure.

He gets really touchy, which is hardly surprising. He’ll throw his arms over Noctis, Gladio, or Ignis’ shoulder, going on about how much he appreciates their bromance. He tends to do this the most to Noctis, even getting teary eyed sometimes. “Dude, you’re my best friend and you mean SO much to me...” “Prompto, drink some water...”

Of course, he especially gets touchy with you. Lots of embracing, squeezing hips, and accidentally groping your behind. He doesn’t like unnecessary fighting, so he just wraps around you like a blanket to ensure other men know you’re his. Slides his hands in your jeans pockets and wants to ensure your legs are always touching.

Assuming he’s not too intoxicated to move without falling over, he’ll also ask you to dance. By ask, I mean... take your hand and lead you to the dance floor, begging as he drags you along. “Pretty please, babe. I love this song!” He’s literally never heard this song before.

Dances better after some drinks, merely because he doesn’t worry about looking good enough to be next to you on the dance floor. Rather, he just moves with you, and is smiling, freckled cheeks red from the booze and breath frankly smelling strong, but its okay. He looks too precious.

When you get home, he’s all over you. “Babe, you’re just so beautiful - I can’t help it!” His hands never leave you as soon as you walk through the front door. Kissing and walking is a thing, but mostly kissing and stumbling because he won’t let go.

But, truth is, you have complete control over how the night ends.

If you wrap him up in a blanket burrito and put on some soft acoustic guitar melody, he’ll pass out immediately, drooling on his pillow. After a night of drinking, he’s guaranteed to sleep like a Noctis.

But, if you let him do as he pleases, he’ll probably put on some soft jazz, assuming the CD is still in the bedside disc player from last time, and put on the most devilish smirk you’ve ever seen. “I want you...” He’s not particularly aggressive, but doesn’t let you get up until he’s thoroughly done with you: as in, your legs are trembling, heart hammering, and vocal box teetering. He wants to hear you scream.

Alcohol is liquid courage, after all.

Ignis Scientia

Ignis is a good boy and doesn’t get dru - haha kidding!

Ignis’ taste for alcohol is the most diverse of the group. He can enjoy a well crafted beer, especially ones from overseas with some aromatic fruits or unique flavors added. He doesn’t mind the finer whiskeys, and even fancies scotch from time to time. His favorites, as no surprise to anyone, are coffee-infused beverages. He enjoys the bitter coffee flavor mixed with sweat creams. Definitely not for the faint of heart, however.

Most people can’t tell when Ignis is drunk. His friends, and especially you, will notice the subtle changes in his tone and behavior. He speaks with less control, letting less filtered thoughts fly free from his lips. He walks with just the slightest edge, less formality and more... dominance.

These are all subtle things. But, one thing is for sure. When Ignis gets drunk, he gets possessive. Not to the point of being frightening - for you, anyway - but will carelessly toss his manners out the window if anyone dare asserts themselves over you.

You’ve heard them all threaten to kill a man before, even Prompto has made his fair share of threats; however, Ignis’ threats, when he’s downed a little too much alcohol, are enough to make even the most hardened of men tremble. Perhaps, it’s the accent, or how he removes his glasses and rolls up his sleeves.

It’s likely not just for his opponent, but a show for you, as well.

That possessiveness also exposes his insecurities. He always needs to be in control, aware of everything, and without fault or error. He’s pretty flawless in that regard when it comes to Noctis and the guys; however, it’s quite different with you. You’re the wild card, unexpected draw, in his perfectly planned deck.

When he’s calmed down, thanks to the mere look in your eyes, he, not so surprisingly, wants your attention. His glasses are missing. They’re in his pocket, but he forgot to put them back on. “Love, you’re staring...” He can’t really be drunk enough to not notice his lack of specs, right? Of course, you find his glasses charming; but, there’s something naughty about his naked face.

He’ll kiss you in front of the guys. Usually, he does well to restrain himself. It’s ungentlemanly, after all. But, when he’s downed a little too much, he forgets to care. It’s not sloppy or inelegant, but romantic: as in, tilting you back and kissing you like it’s the last time. Hearing the guys cheer him on doesn’t embarrass him, but rather inflates his ego. Something that surprises his sober self.

His hands never leave you. You can feel one against the curve of your lower back... and then requesting the honor of lacing with your fingers... a subtle squeeze to the thigh... gently pushing strands of hair away from your shoulder...

You can’t recall when he removed his gloves, or undid the second button on his dress shirt. His jacket sometimes goes missing, and his shirt mysteriously is no longer tucked into his pants. If you’re home, alone, he steadily loses more and more articles of clothing: his shoes, his socks, his belt, his shirt...

When sober, Ignis is all about sweet talk and romantic mumbo jumbo. Intoxicated, he’s more on the quiet side. That doesn’t mean he’s tame, however. With less vocals also comes more dominance, capturing you with his eyes like a bird of prey. His hands and his movement do plenty of talking.

When all is said and done, he’s still a gentleman... in some ways, anyway... taking extra care of you before drifting into the abyss of drunken sleep.

Gladiolus Amicitia

It takes a shit ton of alcohol to get this big guy drunk; so, the chances of actually witnessing him this way is pretty slim. Drinking himself to a dumb stupor just isn’t in his interests. He’s also got a legendary metabolism. So, even if he was drunk, he’ll be sober pretty soon.

Gladiolus is an old fashioned beer, whiskey, or pirate-style rum kind of guy. Pirate style meaning straight up and bitter as fuck. However, he’ll totally finish your girly-ass drink when you wuss out.

When he’s been drinking, he’ll often let you do things he normally wouldn’t, like... pull his hair into a man bun. Prompto has pictures to prove it. There was also that time he fell asleep and you put little warrior braids in his hair. Also pictures. He wasn’t amused when he woke up.

He likes to rough house. He already likes doing that when he’s sober, so now imagine an intoxicated mountain crashing down on top of you. Of course, he’s much more gentle with you than the guys. Choke hold with Prompto. Pinning Noctis to the ground and telling him to man up and escape. Of course, he can’t trap Ignis. Man knows every soft spot and escape route.

You... he’ll trap in his arms, or pick you up and laugh at the sight of you squirming, unable to escape. Threaten to sit on you just cause he can and your panic is pretty amusing. He might do it, though, so better safe than sorry...

Contrary to what one might assume looking at him, Gladio doesn’t get violent when he drinks.The scar on his face is the result of a citizen’s drunken stupor. He would never want to invoke such fear and pain onto someone else, not when he’s intoxicated and not in full control.

Temptation is present. The guy who accidentally fell on you and accidentally felt you up in the process? He wants to rip the guy’s arms off and hit him with them. But... that isn’t what the king’d shield does... and not what your lover does... He’ll just have to settle with a shove and subtle death threat.

He’s never been against PDA, especially in front of the guys; however, it takes a twist when he’s drunk. “Hey... co’mere. Sit on my lap... Heh. What’s with that face? Just wanna be close... Kiss me... Haaah what do you mean my breath stinks? So...? More... I don’t care who sees. Show ‘em how much you want me...”

He’s a dominant man, no questions asked; but, alcohol makes him want to push your dominant side. He wants to see you come onto him like an unstoppable force of nature.

Random trips down memory lane. “Hey, remember that time...”

Sober Gladio is a good dancer; but, when he drinks, he forgets how to. He’s not stumbling over and tripping like a drunk fool, but just loses all sense of rhythm and grace. It’s actually kind of hilarious.

If he can, he’ll sweat talk you into riding him on the couch. His butt has already hit the cushion before you locked the door. “Babe...” while groping himself through his pants. If you dare, he’s very docile, as in just siting there and letting you control the rhythm and do what you want. Letting you take the reigns every once in awhile in a rare treat, especially for him.

Even if you try, you won’t be able to get him up. He’s definitely power napping on the couch. He’ll wake up in about an hour, chug a bottle of water, and contemplate a jog at 3 A.M. But, maybe, your cute self half-asleep on the couch beside him will lull him into bed.

[cuntbliss-blog]

Auckland City Limits 2018 review

I made a very last minute decision to buy a ticket for Auckland City Limits. I had enjoyed a windfall and felt a deep sense of FOMO. Within half an hour of gate’s opening, I purchased a ticket from the Ticketmaster Box Office in Aotea square.

Seeing new up and comer Jed Parsons who opened the festival was a real drawcard for me. Unfortunately public transport caused me to arrive a little late. But hearing the opening notes of his absolutely stellar ‘Get Lost’ seemed like a very good omen. I caught two more songs, and it appears as so this young lad is rapidly ascending to the mighty mantle of other local greats like Ruban Neilson. He has roots in the traditional formulas of rock and roll songwriting, mixed with funk and psychedelia but also inflects it with tasteful modern production. His recently formed band were solid, Parsons was a friendly, seemingly unpretentious and generous entertainer. I look forward to seeing more from him. 

I was astounded upon arrival and over the course of the festival as to what an ideal and world-class public venue Western Springs can be. Two main stages to the East at the entrance, a small Golden Dawn stage across the bridge alongside the lake and of course two ‘main stages’ inside the stadium/speedway itself. It meant that a punter never had to feel boxed in or claustrophobic and could still enjoy the music at a reasonable distance. Grass abounds, there are trees to find shade beneath, not to mention a natural body of water! It really is quite perfect and massively superior to Mt Smart Stadium. The food mostly came from very classy inner city eateries, but I had to save my money for beer, which given that it was 2.5% ABV I had to really throw them back. 

Second for me was Alien Weaponry. I see they’re gaining a lot of local attention and accolades and while I find the use of Te Reo lyrics in their music intriguing, I didn’t see the music itself as being much more than a fairly derivative mash-up of Thrash, commercial 90s metal and maybe the vaguest prog flourish. I also find overt political righteousness of any variety (no matter how well intended) in music to be irritating if not unnecessary. I understand they’re very young though, and it was difficult to fault their musical competency.

Next were Head Like a Hole a band who don’t exactly cater to my tastes but I’ve always had an unexpected fondness for. Rocking up on stage looking like a team of mechanics from Te Atatu (they could be for all I know, oops nah they’re Wellingtonians) frontman Booga Beazley is well versed in the theatrics of rock’n’roll buffoonery.  They have too much groove to be metal, but are a little too heavy to be lumped into the hard rock label of the early 70s. They really just carry themselves so well, seem so confident in what they do given how long they’ve been doing it. Their cover of ‘Immigrant Song’ was for me a highlight of the entire event. 

Next up I thought I’d check out the Golden Dawn stage across the bridge. Nicely secluded and shaded by trees, this relatively small stage still enjoyed good sound. So, thumbs up to the engineers involved. I saw Simon something or other. Restrained indie pop but very confidently delivered. Almost teetered on Slowdive-esque shoegaze at times, I thought. I wasn’t madly keen but it was resolutely competent.

By this stage I thought I’d consider giving Carseat Headrest another go. I can’t say I’ve been impressed by the recordings I’ve heard - I frankly can’t stand vocalists who mumble or murmur, unless they’re Kevin Shields. I find the overtly jammy song structures uninventive and a bit tedious, frankly. With the large band set up, two drummers, and aforementioned jamminess, they remind me superficially of Pavement. But Pavement they are not. Although the knotty segues in their songs can make it difficult to predict where a song begins and ends, the progressions tend to be formulaic, albeit drawn out, just with the unexpected, appended additions to structure. These songs generally erupted into ‘whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah, tonight we are young esque’ call and response sing alongs. I know the guy writes heaps of lyrics and I always respect that, but frankly I couldn’t really hear them. Yeah kinda fuck this band tbh.

Next, between two of my frequent panic attacks, over-exposure to the sun and the proper ABV beer I enjoyed at the Golden Dawn stage, I retired into the shadows of the hills, regrettably missing most of Thundercat’s I was assured (and I am sure) excellent set. 

Next up were the Libertines. Who were poised to be a highlight for me. I really enjoy their first album especially. There he was - Pete Doherty. Looking surprisingly healthy. Or maybe it was the make up from a distance. The only two people I bumped into and knew during the entire festival are about 21 and both wrote it off as ‘old guy stuff’ within a few songs. Yikes. I’m only about 5 years younger than them. They reminded me heavily of the Clash in terms of their sing shouty choruses, vague 1950s rockabilly/early rock’n’roll rhythmic undertow and general vocal style. The rhythm section might secretly be the best part of this band - the bassist showing effortless dexterity and the drummer incorporating vaguely Afro-beats at times. Something just wasn’t right. It didn’t help that Doherty’s guitar was out of tune for the first few songs, but something just felt off. Like it has just become a job for these guys. The Libertines are creative songwriters but their stage-show felt underwhelming for me, fostering cheesy showmanship that seemed to compensate for substance.

What happened next? Fuck. Not sure. Was pretty drunk and stoned at this point and freaking out again. I saw the D4. Whyyyyyyyyyy. Ok I’m being a total dick, the D4 play with impressive energy and proficiency but their songs just don’t do it for me. ‘Get up and get out and get loose?’ No thanks, I think I’ll just do the getting loose part then curl up like the neurotic sociopath I truly am. 

The Avalanches I was somewhat looking forward to. Because of that ‘Boy Needs Therapy’ song. Well. I genuinely didn’t realize they were a band. I thought they were electronic. Avalanches was very 50/50 for me personally. Whoever took charge of sound wasn’t doing a great job - too much bass, too little vocals. I didn’t really enjoy the bunch of really obvious songs they sampled into the music. At some point during the late 90s people discovered computers and DAWS and samples and decided that inserting great music into electronic tapestries was tantamount to genius. I’ve never quite understood this. Avalanches were still enjoyable, but I can’t say I loved it. 

Then I started freaking out again and walked back to the Golden Dawn area. The most violent, obnoxious, obstreperous bass I have ever fell victim to seemed to penetrate the entire complex. The trees were trembling, man. Must have been some hip hop guy. How can they even sing over that shit? What is it with you humans and excessive bass? I hate it. 

So then I got my shit together (popped some sedatives, had some more low alcohol beer) and prepared myself for Grace Jones. I’m not a Grace Jones fan in any huge way, but the second she graced (hah) the stage in an outrageous space-age costume replete with golden helmet and red laser beam eyes, her voice, her charisma, her band and her sheer sound production out shined everything which came before (and after). I was a bit far back cuz I’m a nervous freak but someone I know claimed she changed costume (11!) times. But I must not begin to let this sound like it was all about the stage show (which was dazzling, inventive and spectacular). Graces’ breed of mutant post-funk disco is at once entirely artificial and yet somehow primordial, spiritual even. Her voice is commanding, rich, full and doesn’t even have the vaguest shred of elderliness to my ears. ‘Do you feel the life’ Grace asked the audience ‘I love my life was her response.’ I’ll bet she does. What a fucking lady. Every younger band at that concert could take an encyclopaedia  of knowledge and wisdom from the glorious uniqueness and pure charisma that is Grace Jones.

Then I saw Beck. Fuckkkkkk. Beck was 50% of the reason I came to this fucking gig. Beck’s set was A) too quiet B) lacking energy, conviction, enthusiasm C) too top heavy with his more recent stuff which is frankly barely distinguishable top 40 tripe and D) well I’m a cunt. Anyhow. I’m being overly negative. Perhaps Grace simply set the bar too high and I was getting too sedated. There were some highlights. For some reason the Chimpmunk funk of ‘Mixed Bizness’ from Midnite Vultures turned out to be an unexpected highlight for me. We also got to hear Devil’s Haircut and Loser. Yeah they were good. But I dunno. Amidst the awkward attempt to get people to sing along to ‘Raspberry Beret’ and the massive screen projection of him, I sensed the vague whiff of scientology in all its epic soul destroying creepiness. I left early.

But I had fun. Seriously. Auckland City Limits is fucking awesome. Make sure you go next time.