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pumpkinpaix · 4 years

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Pleeeeeeease get into the class one at some point because I very much want to understand the class dynamics happening in the story but I have yet to find a meta that dives into it

god anon you want me dead don’t you alsjdfljks

referring to this post

okay, so -- my specific salt about class interpretations in mdzs are very targeted. I can’t pretend to have a deep understanding of how class works in mdzs generally because uhhhhh yeah i don’t think i have that. i’m just not familiar enough with the genre and/or the particulars of chinese class systems. but! i can talk in general terms as to why I feel a certain way about the class dynamics that I do think I understand and how I think they relate to the themes of the novel! i’m gonna talk about wei wuxian, the daozhangs, xue yang, and 3zun with, I’m sure, a bunch of digressions along the way.

the usual disclaimers: i do not think you are a bad person if you hold opinions contrary to my own. i may disagree with you very strongly, but like. this isn’t a moral judgment, fandom is transformative and interpretive etc. etc. and i may change my mind. who knows what the future will bring!

OKAY so let’s begin!

here’s the thing about wei wuxian: he’s not poor. I think because characters use “son of a servant” kind of often when they’re trying to insult him, a lot of people latch onto that and think that it’s a much stronger indication of his societal status than it actually is. iirc, most of the insults that fall along the “son of a servant” line come after wei wuxian starts breaking severely from tradition. it’s a convenient thing to attack him for, but doesn’t actually indicate anything about his wealth. (exception: yu ziyuan, but that’s a personal familial issue) this is in direct contrast to jin guangyao who is constantly mocked for his family line, publicly and privately, no matter what he does.

so this, coupled with all the jokes about wwx never having any money (wei wuqian, sizhui’s “i’ve long since known you had no money” etc.), plus his like, rough years on the street as a child ends up producing this interpretation of wei wuxian, especially in modern aus, as someone who is very class conscious and “eat the rich”. but the fact of the matter is, wei wuxian IS rich. aside from the years in his childhood and the last two years of his life in yiling, like -- wei wuxian had money and status. he is gentry. he is respected as gentry. he is treated as a son by the sect leader of yunmeng jiang -- he does not have the jiang name, but it is so very clear that jiang fengmian favors him. wei wuxian is ranked fourth of all the eligible young masters in the cultivation world -- that is not a ranking he could have attained without being accepted into the upper class.

wei wuxian’s poverty does not affect him in the way that it affects jin guangyao or xue yang. he is of low-ish birth (still the son of jiang fengmian’s right hand man though! ok sure, “son of a servant” but like. >_> whatever anyways), but for most of his life he had money. he, jiang cheng, and their sect brothers go into town and steal lotus pods with the understanding that “jiang-shushu will pay for it”. this is a regular thing! that’s fucking rich kid behavior!!! wei wuxian is careless with money because he doesn’t have to worry about it. he still has almost all the benefits of being upper class: education, food security, respect, recognition etc. I think there may also be a misconception that wei wuxian was always on the verge of being kicked out by yu ziyuan, or that he was constantly walking on eggshells around her for fear of being disowned, but that is just textually untrue. i could provide receipts, but I admittedly don’t really feel like digging them up just now ;;

even in his last years in yiling, he was not the one who was dealing with the acute knowledge of poverty: wen qing is the one managing the money, and as far as we know, wei wuxian did little to no management of daily life during the burial mounds days -- mostly, he’s described as hiding in his cave for days on end, working on his inventions, running around like a force of chaos, frivolously making a mess of things -- it’s very very cute that he buries a’yuan in the dirt, but in classic wei wuxian fashion, he did Not think about the practical consequences of it -- that A’Yuan has no other clean clothes, and now he’s gotten this set dirty and has no intention of washing them. is this a personality thing? yeah, but I think it’s also indicative of his lack of concern over the logistics of everyday survival, re: wealth.

furthermore, i think it is important to remember that wei wuxian, when he is protecting the wen remnants, is not protecting common folk: he is still protecting gentry. fallen gentry, yes! but gentry nonetheless. wen qing was favored by wen ruohan, and wen ning himself says that he has a retinue of people under his command (the remnants, essentially). their branch of the family do not have the experience of living and growing in poverty -- they are impoverished and persecuted in their last years, but that’s a very different thing from being impoverished your whole life. (sidenote: I do not believe wei wuxian’s primary motivation for defending the wen remnants was justice -- i believe he did it because he felt he owed wen ning and wen qing a life debt, and once he was there, he wasn’t going to stand around and let the work camps go on. yes, he is concerned about justice and doing the right thing, but that’s not why he went in the first place. anyways, that’s another meta)

after wei wuxian returns, he then marries back into gentry, and very wealthy gentry at that. lwj provides him all the money he could ever want, he is never worried about going homeless, starving, being denied opportunities based on his class and accompanying disadvantages. who would dare? and neither wei wuxian nor lan wangji seem to have much interest in shaking up the order of things, except in little things like the way they teach the juniors. they live in gusu, under the auspices of the lan, and they live a happy, domestic life.

were his years on the street traumatizing? yes, of course they were, there’s so much delicious character exploration to be done re: wei wuxian’s relationship to food, his relationship to his own needs, and his relationship to the people he loves. it’s all important and good! but I feel very strongly that that experience, while it was formative for him, did not impart any true understanding of poverty and the common person’s everyday struggles, nor do I think he ever really gains that understanding. he is observant and canny and aware of class and blood, certainly, but not in a way that makes it his primary hill to die on (badum-tss).

this is in very stark contrast to characters like jin guangyao and xue yang, and to some extent, xiao xingchen and song lan. I’ll start with the daozhangs, because I think they’re the simplest (??).

I think both xiao xingchen and song lan have class consciousness, but in a very simplified, broad-strokes kind of way (at least, given the information we know about them). we know that the two of them share similar values and want to one day form their own sect that gives no weight to the nobility of your lineage and has no concern with your wealth. we also know that they both disdain intersect politics and are more concerned with ideals and principles rather than status. but, I think because of that, this actually somewhat limits their perception and understanding of how status is used to oppress. as far as we know, neither of them participated on any side in sunshot and they demonstrate much more interest in relating to the commoners. honestly, i hc that they were flitting around trying to help decimated towns, protecting defenseless villages etc. I ALSO think this has a lot of interesting potential in terms of xiao xingchen and wei wuxian’s relationship, if xiao xingchen is ever revived. regardless of whether you’re in CQL or novel verse, xiao xingchen really doesn’t know wei wuxian at all, other than knowing that he’s his shijie’s son. he knows that cangse-sanren met with a tragic end, like yanling-daoren before her, and that he wants to be different. but here is cangse-sanren’s son, laying waste to entire cities, desecrating the dead. I would very much like to get into xiao xingchen’s head during that period of time (and i think, if i do it right, i can write some of it into the songxiao fixit), but that’s neither here nor there, because i’ve wandered off from my point again.

i would posit that song lan is used to an ascetic lifestyle, and xiao xingchen probably is too -- but that’s different from poverty because there’s an element of choice to it. I also think that neither of them is particularly worldly, xiao xingchen especially. he lived on an isolated mountain until he was like, seventeen, and he came down full of ideals and naivete about how the world worked. I think that both of them see inequality, that they are angered by it, and that they want to do something about it -- but their solution is neither to topple the sects, nor is it to reform the system. rather, it seems to be more about withdrawing and creating their own removed world. I think that the daozhangs embody a kind of utopianism that isn’t present in the minds of any of the other characters, not even wangxian. honestly, baoshan-sanren’s mountain is a utopian ideal, but one that is not described. it exists outside of and beyond the world. i have a lot of jumbled, vague thoughts about utopianism generally, mostly informed by china miéville and ursula k. le guin, and I don’t think i have the ability to articulate them here, but i wanted to. hm. say something? there is something about the inherent dystopianism contained within every utopia, that utopias are necessary, but also reflections of the existence of terrible things in their conception. idk. there’s something in there, I know it!! but i suppose what I want to say is -- i do not think the daozhangs understand class and social hierarchy very deeply because they don’t see a need to examine it deeply. for their goals, the details aren’t the point. they’re not looking to reform within the system, they’re looking to build something outside of it. I think they spend a lot of time concerned with alleviating the symptoms of social oppression, and their values reflect the injustices they witness there.

regardless, even if their story ends in tragedy and there is a certain amount of critique re: the utopian approach, i think the text still emphasizes that xiao xingchen left a utopia and that he thought that people mattered enough for him to try, and that was an incredibly honorable, kind, and human thing to do.

YEAH SURE THE DAOZHANGS ARE THE SIMPLEST ok ok RETURNING to class and moving forward: xue yang.

i also don’t think xue yang has class consciousness lol, or not in any way that really matters, but I do think poverty impacted him in a much stronger way than it impacted wei wuxian. wei wuxian spent some years on the street as a child. xue yang grew up on the streets. chang ci’an’s horrific treatment of him was directly due to his class and social standing: chang ci’an is a nobleman and xue yang is not even worth the dirt beneath the wheels of his cart. what I think is the seminal point though, is that this does not make xue yang think particularly deeply about systemic injustice, because xue yang is so self-centered, self-driven, and individualistic. he is not even slightly concerned about how poverty and class might affect other people -- they’re other people. what he takes away from his experience is not an anger at being wrongfully cheated by a system, but an anger at being wrongfully cheated by a specific man.

xue yang is not particularly concerned with the politics of the aristocracy -- he has no obvious ambitions other than, “i want to eat sweets whenever i please”, “i want to hurt anyone who wrongs me”, and “i want to be so strong that no one can hurt me”. like, he just doesn’t care -- it’s not the kind of power he wants. he sneers at people for like, personal reasons, not class reasons -- “you think you’re better than me” re: xiao xingchen and song lan. to him, all people -- poor, wealthy, noble, common -- are essentially equal, and they are all beneath him. after all, what does he care what family someone comes from, how much money they have? everyone bleeds when you cut them. some of them might be harder to get to than others, but xue yang does not fear that sort of thing. it’s just another obstacle he needs to vault on his way to getting revenge and/or a pastry.

ANYWAYS onto jin guangyao (wow this is hm. getting rather long ahaha oh dear): I would argue that the two characters with the most acute understanding of class/societal politics and the injustice of them are jin guangyao and lan xichen. i’ll start with jin guangyao for obvious reasons.

where xue yang took the damaging effects of poverty as personal slights, I think jin guangyao is painfully aware that there is nothing personal about them, which is, in some ways, much worse. why are two sons, born on the same day to the same father, treated so differently? just because.

he watched his mother struggle and starve and work herself to the bone in a profession where she was constantly disrespected and abused for almost nothing in return, while his father could have lifted her out of poverty with the wave of a finger. why didn’t he? because he didn’t like her? no -- because he didn’t care, and the structures of the society they live in protect that kind of blase treatment of the lower class.

“so my mother couldn’t choose her own fate, is that her fault?” jin guangyao demands. he knows that he is unbelievably talented, that he has ambition, that he has potential, and that all of it is beyond his grasp just because his father didn’t want to bother with it. his mother’s life was destroyed, and his own opportunities were crippled with that negligence. it isn’t personal. that’s just the way things are. your individual identity is meaningless, your humanity does not exist. when he’s kicked down the steps of jinlin tai, it’s just more confirmation that no matter how talented or hardworking he is, no one will give him the time of day unless he finds a way to take it himself and become someone who “matters”.

jin guangyao’s cultivation is weak because he had a poor foundation, and he had a poor foundation because he was denied access to a good one. he copies others because that’s all he can do at this point, and he copies so well that he can hold his own against some of the strongest cultivators of his generation. he’s disparaged for copying and “stealing” techniques, but -- he never would have had to if only he had been born/accepted into the upper class. the fact is that i really do think jin guangyao was the most promising cultivator of his generation that we meet, including the twin jades and wei wuxian: he had natural talent, ambition, creativity, determination and cunning in spades. in some ways, I think that’s one of the overlooked tragedies of jin guangyao: the loss of not just the good man he could have been, but the powerful one too. imagine what he could have done.

jin guangyao spends his entire time in the world of the aristocracy feeling unsteady and terrified because he knows exactly how precarious his position is. he knows how easy it is to lose power, especially for someone like him. he’s working against so many disadvantages, and every scrap of honor he gets is a vicious battle. jin guangyao fears, and I think that’s something that’s lacking in xue yang, wei wuxian and the daozhangs’ experiences/understandings of poverty. i think it’s precisely that fear that emphasizes jin guangyao’s understanding of class and blood. jin guangyao exhibits an anxiety that neither wei wuxian nor xue yang do, and it’s because he truly knows how little he is worth in the eyes of society and how little there is he can do to change that. to me, it very much feels related to the anxiety of not knowing if tomorrow you’ll have something to eat, if tomorrow you’ll still have a home, if tomorrow someone will destroy you and never have to answer for it. it’s the anxiety of knowing helplessness intimately.

moreover, jin guangyao is the only person shown to use the wealth and power at his disposal to take concrete steps to actually help the common people typically ignored by the powerful -- the watchtowers. they’re described in chapter 42. it’s a system that is designed to cover remote areas that most cultivators are reluctant to go due to their inconvenience and the lack of means of the people who live there. the watchtowers assign cultivators to different posts, give aid to those previously forgotten, and if the people are too poor to pay what the cultivators demand, the lanling jin sect pays for it. jin guangyao worked on this for five years and burned a lot of bridges over it. people were strongly opposed to it, thinking that it was some kind of ploy for lanling jin’s personal benefit. but the thing is -- it worked. they were effective. people were helped.

i believe CQL frames the watchtowers as an allegory for a surveillance state/centralized control (i think?? it’s been a minute -- that’s the hazy impression i remember, something like a parallel to the wen supervisory offices?), but I personally don’t think that was the intent in the novel. the watchtowers are a public good. lanling jin doesn’t staff them with their own sect members -- they get nearby sects to staff them. it’s a warning network that they fund that’s supposed to benefit everyone, even those that everyone had considered expendable.

(did jin guangyao do terrible things to achieve this goal? yeah lol. it’s not confirmed, but his son sure did die... suspiciously...... at the hands of an outspoken critic of the watchtowers........ whom he then executed....... so like, maybe just a convenient coincidence for jin guangyao, two birds one stone, but. it seems. Unlikely.)

lan xichen is the only member of the gentry that ever shows serious compassion for and nuanced understanding of jin guangyao’s circumstances. lan xichen treats him as his equal regardless of jin guangyao’s current status -- even when he was meng yao, lan xichen treated him as a human being worthy of respect, as someone with great merits, as someone he would choose as a friend, but he did so knowing full well the delicate position meng yao occupied. this is in direct contrast to nie mingjue, who also believed that meng yao was worthy of respect as a human being, but was completely unable to comprehend the complexities of his circumstances and unwilling to grant him any grace. you know, the difference between “i acknowledge that your birth and status have had effects upon you, but I don’t think less of you for it” and “i don’t consider your birth and status at all when i interact with you because i think it is irrelevant” (“i don’t see color” anyone?)

to illustrate, from chapter 48:

大抵是觉得娼妓之子身上说不定也带着什么不干净的东西，这几名修士接过他双手奉上来的茶盏后，并不饮下，而是放到一边，还取出雪白的手巾，很难受似的，有意无意反复擦拭刚才碰过茶盏的手指。聂明玦并非细致之人，未曾注意到这种细节，魏无羡却用眼角余光扫到了这些。孟瑶视若未见，笑容不坠半分，继续奉茶。蓝曦臣接过茶盏之时，抬眸看他一眼，微笑道：“多谢。”

旋即低头饮了一口，这才继续与聂明玦交谈。旁的修士见了，有些不自在起来。

rough tl:

Probably because they believed that the son of a prostitute might also carry some unclean things upon his person, after these few cultivators took the teacups offered from [Meng Yao’s] two hands, they did not drink, but instead put them to one side, and furthermore brought out snow white handkerchiefs. Quite uncomfortably, and whether they were aware of it or not, they repeatedly wiped the fingers they had just used to touch the teacups. Nie Mingjue was not a detail-oriented person and never took note of such particulars, but Wei Wuxian caught these in the corner of his eye. Meng Yao appeared as if he had not seen, his smile unwavering in the slightest, and continued to serve tea. When Lan Xichen took the teacup, he glanced up at him and, smiling, said, “Thank you.”

He immediately dipped his head to take a sip, and only then continued to converse with Nie Mingjue. Seeing this, the nearby cultivators began to feel somewhat uneasy.

all right, since we’re in full cyan-rampaging-through-the-weeds mode at this point, i’m going to talk about how this is one of my favorite 3zun moments in the entire novel for characterization purposes because it really highlights how they all relate to one another, and to what degree each of them is aware of their own position in relation to the others and society as a whole.

1. nie mingjue, who is a forthright and blunt person, sets meng yao to serving tea and is done with it. he notices nothing wrong or inappropriate about the reactions of the people in the room because it’s not the sort of thing he considers important.

2. meng yao, knowing that his only avenue is to take it lying down with a smile, masks perfectly.

3. lan xichen, noticing all this, uses his own reputation to achieve two things at once: pointedly shame the other cultivators in attendance, and show meng yao that regardless of others’ opinions, he considers him an equal and does not endorse such behavior--and he does it while taking care that no fallout will come down on meng yao’s head.

is this yet another installment of cyan’s endless lxc defense thesis? why yes it is! no one is surprised! but this is my whole point: both meng yao and lan xichen understand the respective hierarchy and power dynamics within the room, while nie mingjue very much does not. this is not because nie mingjue is a bad person or because nie mingjue is stupid--it’s a combination of personality and upbringing. nie mingjue is straightforward and has no patience for such games. but then again, he can afford not to play because he was born into such a high position: that’s a privilege.

to break it down: meng yao knows that he is the lowest-ranked person in the room, sees the way people are subtly disrespecting him in full view of his general who is doing nothing about it. in some ways, this is good -- nie mingjue’s style of dealing with conflict is very direct and not at all suited to delicate political maneuvering. after all, the way he promoted meng yao was actually quite dangerous to meng yao: he essentially guaranteed that his men would bear meng yao a grudge and that their disrespect for him would only be compounded by their bitterness at being punished on his behalf. (it’s like, why often getting parents or teachers to intervene ineffectively in bullying can just be an incitement to more bullying -- same concept) meng yao’s reaction during that scene shows that he’s pretty painfully aware of this and is trying to defuse the situation to no avail. nie mingjue gives him a bootstrap speech (rip nie mingjue i love u so much but. sir) and then promotes him, which is pretty much the only saving grace of that entire exchange, for meng yao at least.

lan xichen, on the other hand, understands both that meng yao is the lowest-ranked person in the room and that any direct attempt to chastise the other cultivators in the room will only serve to hurt meng yao in the long run. he knows that if this were brought to nie mingjue’s attention, he would be outraged and not shy about it -- also bad for meng yao. so he uses what he has: his immaculate reputation. by acting contrary to the other cultivators’ behavior, he demonstrates that he finds their actions unacceptable but with the plausible deniability that it wasn’t directed at them, that this is just zewu-jun being his usual generous self. this means that the other cultivators have no one to blame but themselves, nothing to do but question their own actions. there is nowhere to cast off their discomfort. meng yao didn’t do anything. lan xichen didn’t do anything -- he just thanked meng yao and drank his tea, isn’t that what it’s there for? he doesn’t disrupt the peace, he doesn’t attack anyone and put them on the defensive, but he does make his position very clear.

i know this is a really small thing and i’m probably beating it to death, but I really think this shows just how cognizant lan xichen is of politics and emotional cause and effect in such situations. certainly, out of context I think the scene reads kind of cliche, but within the greater narrative of the story and within the arc of these characters specifically, I think it was a really smart scene to include. it also showcases lan xichen’s style of action: that he moves around and with a problematic situation as opposed to moving straight through.

not to be salty on main again, but this is why it’s very frustrating to me when I see people call lan xichen passive when he is anything but. his actions just don’t look like traditional “actions”, especially to an american audience. it’s easy to understand lan wangji and wei wuxian’s style of problem-solving: taking a stand, moving through, staying strong. lan xichen is juggling an inconceivable number of factors in any given situation, weighing his responsibilities in one role against those in another, and then trying to find the path through the thicket that will cause the least harm, both to himself and the thicket. lan wangji and wei wuxian are not particularly good at considering the far-reaching consequences of their actions -- again, not because they are bad people, but because of a combination of personality and upbringing. they’d just hack through the thicket, not thinking about the creatures that live in it. that is not a terrible thing! it isn’t. it’s a different way of approaching a problem, and it has different priorities. that’s okay. there are advantages and disadvantages on both sides, and where you come down is going to depend on your personal values.

okay we’ve spiraled far and away from my original point, but let’s circle back: i was talking about class.

I think it’s undeniable that class, birthright, fate etc. are some of the driving forces of thematic conflict in mdzs, and the way each character interacts with those forces reveals a lot about themselves and also about the larger themes of fate, chance, and what it means to be righteous and good and how that is and isn’t rewarded. a lot of the tragedy of mdzs (the tragedy that isn’t caused by direct aggression on the part of one group or another) stems from the injustices and slights that people suffered due to their lot in life. it isn’t fair. none of it is fair! we sympathize with jin guangyao because we recognize that what he suffered was unconscionable, even if we don’t excuse him. i sympathize A Lot with xue yang as well for similar reasons, though I understand that’s a harder sell. this is a story focused on the mistakes of an entrenched, aging gentry and the effects that those mistakes had on their children, and a lot of it has to do with prejudice based in class and birth status. whether the prejudice was the true reason or whether it was just a convenient excuse, the fact remains that the systems in place rewarded and protected the people in power who used it to cling to that power. mdzs is also a story of how the circumstances of one’s life can offer you impossible choices that you cannot abstain from, and it asks us to be compassionate to the people who made terrible choices in terrible times. it’s about the inherent complexity in all things! that sometimes, there are no good choices, and i don’t know, i’d like to think that people would show me compassion if I had to make the choices some of these characters did. not just wei wuxian, mind you, every single one of them. except jin guangshan because I Do Hate Him sorry. and i guess wen ruohan. i think that’s it.

good. GOD this is clocking in at //checks notes -- just over 5k. 8′D *stuffs some weeds into my mouth like the clown i am*

(ko-fi? :’D *lies down*)

2K notes · View notes

writingwithcolor · 3 years

Text

Space based story with prison camps: problematic parallels?

Trigger warnings:

Holocaust

Unethical Medical Experimentation (in the post and resources)

ivypool2005 asked:

I'm writing a sci-fi novel set on Mars in the 25th century. There are two countries on Mars: Country A, a hereditary dictatorship, and Country B, a democracy occupied by Country A after losing a war. Country A's government is secretly being puppeted by a company that is illegally testing experimental technology on children. On orders from the company, Country A is putting civilian children from Country B in prison camps, where the company can fake their deaths and experiment on them. (1/2)

My novel takes place in one of the prison camps. I am aware that this setting carries associations with various concentration camps in history. Specifically, I'm worried about the experimentation aspect, as I know traumatic medical experimentation occurred during the Holocaust. Is there anything I should avoid? How can I acknowledge the history while still keeping some fantasy/sci-fi distance from real experiences -- or is it a bad idea to try to straddle that fence at all? Thank you! (2/2)

We are far from being the only people to have suffered traumatic medical experiments..

--Shira

TW: Unethical Medical Experimentation (in the post, and all of the links)

Medical experimentation in history

Perhaps without intending to, you have posed an enormous question.

I will start by saying that we, the Jewish people, are not the only group to have unethical, immoral, vicious experiments performed on our bodies. Horrific experimentation has been conducted on Black people, on Indigenous people, on disabled people, on poor people of various backgrounds, on women, on queer people... the legacy of human cruelty is long. Here are some very surface-level sources for you, and anyone else interested to go through. Many, many more can be found.

General Wiki Article on Unethical Human Experimentation

US Specific Article on Unethical Human Experimentation

The early history of modern American Gynecology is largely comprised of absolutely inhumane experimentation, mostly on enslaved women (with some notable exceptions among Irish immigrant women)

An Article on Gynecological Experimentation on Enslaved Women

I also recommend reading Medical Bondage by Deirdre Cooper Owens

The Tuskegee Experiment

First Nations Children Denied Nutrition

Guatemala Syphilis Experiment

Unit 731

AZT Testing on Zimbabwean Women

Project MKUltra

Conversion Therapy

Medical Experiments on Prison Inmates

Medical Interventions on Intersex Infants and Children

Again, these are only a few, of a tragic multitude of examples.

While I don't feel comfortable saying, as a blanket statement, that stories like this should never be fictionalized, it feels important to emphasize the historicity of medical experimentation, and indeed, medical horrors. These things happened, in the real world, throughout history, and across the globe.

The story of this kind of human experimentation is one of immense cruelty, and the complete denial of the humanity of others. Experimentation was done on unwilling subjects, with no real regard for their wellbeing, their physical pain, the trauma they would incur, the effect it would have on families, or on communities. These are stories, not of random, mythical "subjects," but of human beings. These were Black women, already suffering enslavement, who were medically tortured. These were Indigenous children, who were utterly powerless, denied nutrition, just to see what would happen. These were Black men, lied to about their own health, and sent home to infect their spouses, and denied treatment once it was available. These were Aboriginal Australians, forced to have unnecessary medical procedures, children given brutal gynecological exams, and medications that were untested.. These were inmates in US prisons, under the complete control of the state. These were prisoners of war. These were pregnant people, desperate to save their fetuses, lied to by doctors. These were also Jewish people, imprisoned, and brutalized as part of a systematic attempt to destroy us.

The story of medical torture, of experimentation without any meaningful consent, of the removal of human dignity, and human rights, is so vast, and so long, there is no way to do it justice. It is a story about human beings, without agency, without rights, it's the story of doctors, scientists, and the inquisitive, looking right through a person, and seeing nothing but parts. This is not some vague plot point, or a curiosity to note in passing, it is a real, terrible thing that happened, and is still happening to actual human beings. I understand the draw, to want to write about the Worst of the Worst, the things that happen when people set aside kindness, and pick up cruelty, but this is not simply a device. This kind of torture cannot be used as authorial shorthand, to show who the real bad guys are.

On writing this subject - research

If you want to write a fictional story that includes this kind of deep, abiding horror, you need to immerse yourself in it. You need to read about it, not only in secondhand accounts, and not only from people stating facts dispassionately. You need to seek out firsthand accounts, read whatever you can find, watch whatever videos you can find. You need to find works recounting these atrocities by the descendants, and community members of people who suffered.

Then, when you have done that, you need to spend time reflecting, and actively working to recognize the humanity of the people this happened to, and continues to happen to.

You have to recognize that getting a stamp of approval from three Jewish people on a single website would never be enough, and seek out multiple sensitivity readers who have personal, familial, or cultural experience with forced experimentation.

If that seems like a lot of work, or overkill, I beg you not to write this story. It's simply too important.

-- Dierdra

If you study public health and sociology, it is often a given that the intersection of institutional power and marginalized populations produces extreme human rights abuses. This is not to say that such abuse should be treated as an inevitability, but rather to help us understand, as Dierdra says, how often we need to be aware of the risk of treating our fellow humans poorly. Much of modern medical history is the story of the unwilling sacrifices made by people unable to defend themselves from the powers that be. Whether we are talking about the poor residents of public hospitals in France during the 18th century whose bodies were used to advance anatomy and pathology, to vaccine testing in the 19th century, to mental asylum patients in the 20th century who endured isolation, lobotomies, colectomies and thorazine, one can easily see this pattern beyond the Holocaust.

Even when we shift our focus away from abuse justified by “experimentation”, we have many such incidents of institutionalized state collusion in abuse that have made the news within the last 20 years with depressing regularity. Beyond the examples mentioned above, I offer border migrant detention centers and black sites for America, Xinjiang re-education sites and prisoner organ donation in China, Soviet gulags still in use in Russia, and North Korean forced labor camps (FLCs) for political prisoners as more current examples. I agree with Dierdra that these themes affect many people still alive today who have endured such abuses, and are enduring such abuses.

More on proper research and resources

Given that you are going to be exploring a topic when the pain is still so fresh, so raw, I think you had better have something meaningful to say. Dierdra’s recommendation to immerse yourself in nonfiction primary sources is essential, but I think you will also want to brush up on many established works of dystopian fiction featuring themes relating to state institutions and the exploitation of vulnerable populations. While doing so, read about the authors and how the circumstances of their environments and time periods influenced their stories’ messages and themes. I further recommend that you do so both slowly and deliberately so you can both properly take in the information while also checking in with your own comfort.

- Marika

#holocaust #holocaust tw #prison camps #oppression #tragedy exploitation #torture tw #resources #death tw #abuse tw #asks #history

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mooncaps · 4 years

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The parallels between Catra and Glimmer keep sticking in my mind. They don't quite mirror each other exactly, visually or thematically, but there's a lot of overlap. They're similar in so many ways, but the inverse of each other in certain ways as well. Their natures are so alike that if their circumstances had been swapped, they'd probably just become each other.

So, I guess I’m picking up my shovel and digging into this. I wanna examine the ways they’re alike, the key ways they differ, what shapes each of them, and why their intersecting journeys are significant. There’s a lot to unpack and this is gonna be a long post, but if the subject matter sounds interesting to you, then read on.

Their parallels are most evident in Season 4, but are also woven throughout the show. I'm thinking back to 1x07 when Adora explains to Bow and Glimmer what being raised by Shadow Weaver was like and Glimmer, without missing a beat, says: "Okay, sure, Mom stuff." Completely nonchalant, with a casual shrug, as if nothing sounded out of place. All of these characters are impacted by being embattled in a militaristic conflict, of course, but Catra and Glimmer are both getting particular parental experiences from their mother-figures, the only parent in either of their lives. Notably, they don't have the same experience. Angella's a much better mother to Glimmer than Shadow Weaver is to Catra. Shadow Weaver is abusive, manipulative, power-hungry, and especially cruel to Catra above all others. Even when Angella is harsh, she's constructive and supportive.

But both of these children end up with a strong desire to prove themselves on the battlefield. Both want their mothers to be proud of them, to recognize them as worthy. Catra spends the early part of her life suppressing the urge to prove herself, pretending not to care about it while secretly being deeply upset when she finds herself overshadowed by Adora. Glimmer, on the other hand, openly thirsts for opportunities to be a great commander and earn recognition for her accomplishments. They both have somewhat of an inferiority complex as well. Catra comes to decide she doesn't want to be the sidekick. Glimmer is insecure about being the princess who has to recharge.

In 1x08, Glimmer's jealousy toward Bow and Perfuma is essentially a microcosm of a key dimension of Catra's arc for the show. But Glimmer is much quicker to learn the lessons and grow. Due to her experiences, Catra's walls are much harder to break down. I'll swing back around to that point later.

As Season 1 draws to its close, Glimmer and Catra both gain a little more independence, though they do it in very different ways. Catra does what Glimmer wanted to do at the beginning of Season 1. She presents valuable tech and a valuable ally to her commanding officer. Glimmer gets closer to her mother and they both start to understand each other better. Catra defeats her mother-figure in combat. Glimmer and Catra both gain favor in their respective armies and get the much-desired chance to prove themselves in the Battle of Bright Moon.

In 2x02, Glimmer and Bow take Catra hostage and the ways in which these two characters differ are really highlighted. Glimmer is tempted more than once to be as ruthless with Catra as Catra would be with her, but Bow talks her down when push comes to shove. "We're not them." Catra doesn't have a person in her life who talks her down. Not anymore. Catra sees the reliance on friendship among the Rebellion as a weakness. "It's why you're never going to win."

With the environment she grew up in, Catra's understanding of concepts like friendship and love are primarily in relation to power and manipulation. She's quick to seize upon the closeness between Glimmer and Bow as a way to force Glimmer to use up her magic. Catra's own love for Adora is, in the early days, selfish. She doesn't want to share Adora, whether with friends in the Horde or friends in the Rebellion. And it's why she believes that Adora doesn't feel the same way. If Adora wouldn’t take things to the same selfish extremes, then she must not feel what Catra’s feeling. This is what Catra believes because her experiences have given her this very specific, and flawed, understanding of love.

Glimmer's relationship to love is different. She comes from a more supportive environment and even in the rare instance when she does trend toward selfish love, she's more able to accept and understand the flaws of it.

But focusing on 2x02: Glimmer and Catra push each other's buttons. Each of them instinctively knows how to hurt the other one, though Catra is more willing to inflict that hurt. They’re both paying attention and learning each other’s vulnerabilities. The one moment where Glimmer touches a nerve with Catra is: "How did Adora take years of this? She didn't run away from the Horde. She ran away from you." And Catra immediately pushes back: "You think she's not going to leave you behind too, Sparkles?"

It's somewhat telling that Catra sees Glimmer as having taken her place in Adora's life. Again, similar, but not the same. The relationship between Adora and Glimmer is different to the relationship between Adora and Catra, but Catra, with her limited and warped understanding of love, can't tell the difference anymore than she could when Adora first befriended Lonnie. Catra sees Glimmer as having the same place in Adora's life that Catra used to have. And as much as Catra wants, at this point, to tell herself she's over Adora, she's still angry.

So we’re kind of flipping between parallels and inversions, but a key factor starts to become clear at this point. What Catra and Glimmer hate in each other is what they fear in themselves. Glimmer hates that Catra took her as a hostage, but she's also frustrated that she can't be just as cruel when she has Catra as a hostage. She wants to be cruel, and yet she hates herself for wanting it. Catra hates seeing Glimmer step into the role of Adora's sidekick and she mocks the Rebellion for "the power of friendship" because she hates how vulnerable she felt after opening her heart to Adora. She wants a loving relationship, and yet she hates herself for wanting it. Catra and Glimmer see their own perceived flaws, weaknesses, and shortcomings in each other, which is why there's so much friction between them. It's really an interesting concept that develops further as the show goes on.

The next minor point of interest is 2x04. Glimmer sees the primary conflict as being between herself and Catra. It’s not much, just a little look into how Glimmer is thinking about things.

Seasons 2 and 3 are paired together in terms of themes in a way that other seasons aren’t. At the end of Season 2, or midway through the story threads, Catra loses her mother-figure. At the end of Season 3, Glimmer loses her mother. Once again, the circumstances differ. Angella is truly gone, but Shadow Weaver has simply switched sides. Glimmer’s arc going forward is very much driven by Angella’s absence, whereas Catra’s arc is driven by Shadow Weaver’s presence...as an enemy combatant.

And Shadow Weaver doesn’t just join the Rebellion, she starts working her way into Glimmer’s life. Her opening pitch that gets Glimmer to free her plays on a familial connection - the fact that she taught Glimmer’s father. They go to the Fright Zone together and of course they run into Catra, who discovers Shadow Weaver quite literally taking Glimmer by the hand.

All of this sets the stage for Season 4, where the Catra and Glimmer parallels are at their strongest. The two of them become much more similar to each other in this season. Glimmer is now receiving guidance and familial connection from the very person who shaped Catra into the person she is.

Both Catra and Glimmer effectively take control of their respective armies. Glimmer literally becomes queen and, in the very same episode, Catra seats herself on Hordak’s throne. Glimmer is reluctant to take the throne, Catra is eager to. At the end of the episode Catra says to Hordak, “I think you and I are going to do great things together.” This line echoes what Shadow Weaver said to young Micah and baby Adora. And of course Glimmer is also stepping into her mother’s role.

From there, the two of them find themselves on similar paths. In 4x02 they both have the same idea to recover Mara’s ship. In 4x04 Glimmer wants to think like Catra and asks Shadow Weaver to teach her. Glimmer ends up in a fight with Catra and Catra marvels at Glimmer’s tactical decision to use Adora as a decoy. Where Glimmer was previously unwilling to be like Catra, now she’s determined to do anything for victory. And of course the idea to use Adora as a distraction came from Shadow Weaver and Catra’s recognizing this change in Glimmer’s tactics without quite realizing why it should feel familiar.

Some things happen at different times for these two, but there’s so much overlap. Glimmer starts the season dealing with boring meetings and itching to be out in the field, jealous of her friends. For Catra, she starts the season in the field, but as her plans advance she finds herself stuck in the Fright Zone while Hordak does the field work.

Both of them are focused on success, no matter the cost. They both become so stubbornly obsessed with winning the war that it fractures their friendships. They reject all counsel and push away the people who care for them. In spite of being hurt by losing the trust of their friends, they both double down on trying to win, expecting total victory to be the thing that brings them peace of mind, the thing that makes everything worth the cost.

There’s a push and pull between the two of them throughout the season. Neither can succeed in their chosen path without destroying the other. And yet they can’t seem to destroy each other without losing themselves. Metaphorically, destroying each other would mean destroying their own shortcomings, and both of them want those weaknesses and doubts erased, but neither of them can manage to strike the final blow.

Catra gains the upper hand in the war by having Double Trouble work the cracks in Glimmer’s friendships. Glimmer gains the upper hand by having Double Trouble drive a decisive wedge between Catra and Hordak. Double Trouble’s duplicitous allegiances and feigning of friendships are key developments on both sides of the battlefield and their services are weaponized by both Catra and Glimmer to target each other. Double Trouble essentially acts as a messenger, sent from both of these two characters to tear the other one down. Catra and Glimmer personify to each other what they fear in themselves and Double Trouble gives voice to the doubts of both characters, acting on behalf of each of them in turn.

Double Trouble gets to Glimmer by suggesting that Adora is undermining the queen’s authority. They work from an understanding of Glimmer’s genuine desire to be a great queen. However, and this is a key point, when Double Trouble confronts Catra, the tactic is completely flipped. “You try so hard to play the big bad villain, but your heart’s never been in it, has it?” They work from the understanding that Catra’s apparent desire to lead the Horde to victory is not genuine. As opposed to Glimmer, whose heart has always been in it; her heart’s so in it that she becomes blind to the risks of her plans.

Part of Double Trouble’s speech to Catra can apply to Glimmer’s insecurities as well. “They didn’t believe in you, didn’t trust you, didn’t need you, left you. But did you ever stop to think, maybe they’re not the problem? It’s you. You drive them away, Wildcat.” Obviously it applies to Catra, but it also describes what Glimmer has just been through with Bow and Adora. Glimmer and Catra have so many overlapping fears and this messenger sent by Glimmer to throw Catra off balance ends up making this statement that labels Glimmer’s recent mistakes just as accurately as it does Catra’s.

The key difference between the two of them comes down to their hearts being in it. For all the similarities between Catra and Glimmer in Season 4, this climactic moment emphasizes that, for Catra, a lot of it is an affectation, a costume.

Which brings me to an element of the visual storytelling. I recently read an interesting post about the thematic significance of Catra’s mask. I also made my own post about the change to her hair in Season 4. The visual storytelling has many facets in this show. This post is about parallels though, so what I’m focusing on now is the fact that Catra and Glimmer both change their costumes in Season 4. The first scene of 4x01 features the reveal of Glimmer’s new look and the last scene of 4x01 features the reveal of Catra’s.

One of the first things I noticed about Catra’s outfit is that her new black sleeve and shoulder armor are covering the area that was damaged in the portal reality. At a guess, I’d say she wants to guard against feeling whatever that felt like again. Again though, my focus is on parallels. Let’s have a look at their outfits side by side.

Glimmer’s is essentially an evolution. She’s growing more into herself. She now has both shoulders covered. Hard to say if these shoulder pads are decorative or could serve a protective function. They kind of look metallic. Her legs are newly covered; her neck and chest are newly exposed. There are a few changes to Glimmer’s outfit, but not a lot that’s truly new to her.

For Catra, there are a few new elements in her outfit. The single sleeve, the fingerless gloves, and at the shoulders she seems to have upgraded from fabric to something that looks more like it could be armor. Her legs are more covered than they were in her previous outfit, but there are still small exposed gaps. Her feet were never covered before, but now there’s a partial covering. And there’s also what fandom has dubbed the “boob window,” though this show isn’t one that gives focus to things like cleavage. The new elements for Catra bring her outfit a little bit closer to Glimmer’s.

I’ll be interpreting exposed skin as representing vulnerabilities. Of particular interest to me is the fact that they both wear single sleeves now, one white, one black, and they cover opposite arms. Glimmer has no mask on her face; Catra has no cape covering her back. Glimmer’s boots seem especially enforced at the heel and toe. Catra’s heels and toes are exposed. You know how I’ve been saying that they see their own shortcomings in each other? Now Catra is visibly vulnerable where Glimmer is guarded and vice-versa. The particular asymmetry of the sleeves brings to mind ideas of imbalance, both internally and between them.

Catra’s sleeve looks durable; Glimmer’s sleeve looks decorative. Glimmer’s sleeve leaves a gap of skin exposed below the shoulder pad; Catra’s sleeve covers the full length of her arm. On Glimmer’s unsleeved arm, the glove barely covers her hand; Catra’s glove covers a portion of her forearm. Remember 1x08, that point I said I’d come back to? Glimmer’s quicker to learn the lessons. Catra’s walls are harder to break down. Now it’s visually represented in their outfits.

I’ll reference the visuals as I go on, but let’s get back to thematic analysis. As the Season 4 finale draws to a close, Catra and Glimmer end up together and both have been brought low. Double Trouble has just seen through all of Catra’s walls and read her for absolute filth. Glimmer has to reckon with the fact that her own hubris nearly got everyone she’s been fighting for destroyed. Both have come closer to total victory and closer to total defeat than they’ve ever been. Coming off a string of mistakes and pushing away the people who care about them, they end up together.

Glimmer has the chance to attack a willingly defenseless Catra, but spares her. Moments later, Glimmer is threatened by Horde Prime, but Catra’s intervention saves her. It’s a layered action from Catra, certainly not altruistic, but it saves Glimmer nonetheless. I think something in each of them feels hesitant to see this person, in whom they see their own flaws reflected back at them, destroyed.

And now they’re stuck with each other, quite literally cut off from everyone else. They’re each wrestling with the weight of their own failures and shortcomings, so of course they’re both trapped with the metaphorical representation of everything they never wanted to face in themselves.

They’re together, and yet they’re separated. A barrier stands between them. Catra is at liberty to move about the ship, but there’s nowhere to go and no escaping the watchful gaze of Horde Prime. She’s frustrated by this illusory liberty: “If I’m a prisoner, you might as well make it official.” Glimmer, on the other hand, is in a cell and she wants out, even though there’s nowhere to go. For a brief moment, the barrier is taken down when Catra and Glimmer are invited to dine with Horde Prime. One very effective way to bring people together is to give them a common enemy. They’re only physically together when they’re united in defending themselves against him.

Horde Prime understands the similarities between the two of them and breaks through both of their walls at the same time with the same tactic. “You Etherians are all alike. Such strong connections to one another. It’s what makes you weak.” It’s the unguarded vulnerabilities in Glimmer that poke holes in Catra’s plan of “parsing out information like a bargaining chip.” Though Catra and Glimmer have a common enemy now, they’re not yet coordinated and working with each other.

So we return now to the scene from 5x03 at the top of this post. Even the way it’s framed is significant. The scene could presumably have been presented from the other side, but seeing it from this angle allows me to infer some things about what’s being communicated.

They start out facing each other and we see their sleeved arms. Neither is quite ready to trust the other, so their walls are up. When they stand face-to-face with what they fear in themselves, they put their guards up. They’re both more-or-less equally guarded and equally vulnerable, but the guarded side is what the show’s creators are showing the audience, as well as what Catra and Glimmer are showing to each other in this moment.

The scenery around the two of them shows a stark contrast. Glimmer’s cell is brightly lit with simple architecture. Much of the space around Catra is dark and complicated.

As they open up to each other emotionally, they turn back-to-back and we’re shown their unsleeved arms. When they look away from what they fear in themselves, they let their guards down. Both of them lay a hand on their unsleeved arms, almost as if they’re subconsciously worried that they might need their walls at any moment to defend these vulnerabilities.

Their body language relaxes, though only fractionally in Catra’s case. Glimmer is a little more at ease, but Catra won’t let herself be quite as open and unguarded. Her fingers remain on that unsleeved arm, alert and ready to defend at a moment’s notice.

I’ve talked a bit about walls and defensiveness, but the way these two came to construct their walls is also important. Glimmer and Catra have both experienced hardships in their lives. Both of them grew up with only one close friend. They both felt pressure and a desire to prove themselves and they’ve both endured great tragedy in their young lives. Glimmer has developed more of the emotional tools to work through her pain and begin to heal. Catra is only at the beginning of the healing process and her pain comes from a very different source.

Glimmer spent the majority of her young life believing her father had been killed and then she lost her mother as well. Catra was either given up or orphaned and then taken in by an abusive family. Both experiences were surely traumatic. Catra’s walls are tougher for a reason though. A few reasons. The primary reason is that the source of her fear and pain was also her mother-figure.

Being traumatized by someone who should be on your side is different than other sources of trauma. And because Shadow Weaver is her parent, Catra also bonds with her and wants her approval. This is emotionally confusing and compounds Catra’s issues. Wanting love from Shadow Weaver is one of the reasons Catra hates herself for wanting love at all.

Not only is Catra traumatized by her parent, she also lacks any other parental guidance to help her process her trauma. Glimmer, even after losing her father, still had her mother. It’s after losing her mother that Glimmer really starts to lose balance emotionally. Though Catra had Adora, that kind of comfort is not the same as having the calming influence of a supportive parent to help a child cope with their trauma and assure the child that things will be okay. Further to that are the wedges that Shadow Weaver (and later Light Hope) employed to ensure that Catra and Adora would doubt each other. Then finally, Adora left the Horde and whatever comfort Catra had received from her turned poisonous. This was the thing that threw Catra’s sense of safety into chaos and unraveled any semblance of emotional balance. For much of the show, wanting love from Adora is one of the reasons Catra hates herself for wanting love at all.

This is all a roundabout way of explaining why Catra’s walls are so much thicker than Glimmer’s and why everything around her is dark and complicated. Glimmer has her own walls and coping mechanisms, but they’re constructed differently. Catra is largely driven by defensive panic responses. Glimmer is reactive and even reckless at times, especially after losing Angella, but she’s generally more able to slow down and sort through her feelings. Glimmer’s walls are constructed in such a way that they don’t impede her ability to grow and heal. Glimmer’s walls don’t keep as many things away, but her capacity to let the right people in is the trait that serves her best. The contrast between these two characters speaks volumes.

Season 5 is where Catra and Glimmer begin to learn from each other. They get past the initial reaction of simply being disgusted by seeing what they fear in themselves. They both make some appeals to each other for information and help. The barrier between them comes down again and Catra enters Glimmer’s space.

The audience is shown both sleeved arms. Walls are up. Catra uses both hands and takes Glimmer by the sleeved arm. The cake is in her unsleeved hand; it was an appeal to her vulnerable side. The full appeal from Catra that acknowledges Glimmer’s walls is the one that actually reaches her and gets Catra the information she wanted. It’s an appeal so strong that it can reach Glimmer through her walls, not just some simple ploy to prey on her softer side.

“You can’t tell him.” Glimmer uses both hands and takes Catra by the unsleeved arm. This is an appeal to Catra’s vulnerable side. And it echoes something that has previously frustrated Catra. “It’s always the same with you, Adora. I have to do this. Oh-oh, we have to do that.” This appeal to her softer side isn’t enough.

“Do one good thing in your life.” Glimmer uses both hands and takes Catra by the sleeved arm. The audience is shown both of their unsleeved arms. They’re both vulnerable here. It’s this appeal, which acknowledges Catra’s walls, that reaches her. Catra still reacts in fear, a response pattern that runs deep with her, but the message reaches her through her walls.

After processing some of her emotions, Catra returns, offering Glimmer her unsleeved arm. This is a vulnerable action from Catra.

Glimmer takes Catra’s hand with her sleeved arm.

This is the turning point. They represent each other’s insecurities, each vulnerable where the other defends. Glimmer has the tools to balance out Catra’s vulnerabilities. Glimmer’s sleeved arm meeting Catra’s unsleeved arm is like saying: “I’ve got your back.” If they’re confrontational to each other, or if they ignore each other, they’re both equally defended and equally vulnerable. But if they stand side by side...

...they can compensate for each other’s vulnerabilities. They embrace and understand the insecurities they were afraid of and together they have the tools to present a balanced front that can protect them both. Neither one of them was going to be able to succeed alone, but together they can accomplish more.

Catra knew where the teleporter was and could have escaped on her own, but that would not be success. As Glimmer pointed out, even if Catra runs away it won’t matter when Horde Prime destroys the universe. As Catra pointed out, Adora would still come to rescue Glimmer. It’s their combined knowledge that leads to the solution.

Getting Glimmer out is the key, but Glimmer is unable to do this alone. Catra has the knowledge of the teleporter, Catra has the knowledge as well as the physical combat skills necessary to overpower the clones, and Catra has to be the one to take down the barrier that divides the two of them. Only Catra is in a position to achieve this. In terms of emotional metaphors, Glimmer is ready to let Catra in, but that fact alone isn’t enough. Catra has to be willing as well.

And the plan succeeds. It’s Catra’s most vulnerable action yet and she stands willing to sacrifice herself. Catra sends Glimmer, this metaphorical representation of her own insecurities, to Adora. This action is the very thing that ultimately saves Catra. She’s stuck with Horde Prime and her defenses are all ripped away, but it’s this show of vulnerability that affords Adora and company the opportunity to come in prepared and save this defenseless cat. Glimmer’s willingness to forgive Catra is significant for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that Catra is the party most responsible for the conditions that led to Angella’s sacrifice, and Glimmer cites Catra sacrificing herself on Horde Prime’s ship as the reason she’s willing to help Adora go back and save Catra.

And once she’s saved, when Catra next gets the liberty to determine her own outfit, as she treads a path of vulnerability and learning to follow her heart...

...the sleeve and fingerless gloves are gone. The costume she put on when she took her seat on Hordak’s throne has fallen away. That’s not who she wants to be anymore. Now she’s ready to start on the path of growing more into herself.

The push and pull contentious relationship between Catra and Glimmer has reached its conclusion, but there are still a few moments of interest. In 5x08, there are several instances where Catra questions what seem to be tactically unsound decisions from the Rebellion and they shrug off the concerns. Near the end of the episode, it’s Glimmer who questions the tactics and Catra who shrugs it off. This shows that they’re both getting more comfortable with each other and also both getting more comfortable with the parts in themselves that make them similar to each other.

In 5x10, when Catra finds herself in trouble, trapped and confronted with rising water, she calls Glimmer, knowing now that Glimmer is someone she can trust when she comes up against the limits of her own vulnerabilities.

In 5x12, Catra goes to Bow and Glimmer, looking for Adora. Glimmer informs Catra that Adora left them behind. Catra says: “Of course she’s gone. That’s what she does, isn’t it?” Glimmer was caught off guard by this, but Catra has recognized this vulnerability in Glimmer since Season 2. “You think she’s not going to leave you behind too, Sparkles.” This time Catra’s not just here criticize; she’s here to help. She warns Bow and Glimmer about Horde Prime’s plans and volunteers herself to take over helping Adora. Glimmer comes up against the limit of her vulnerabilities, but she can tag in Catra to help her now.

In the literal sense, this shows the value of letting other people in. In the metaphorical sense, it shows the value of accepting oneself. Learning from others, finding the common ground, gives us a fuller understanding than we can achieve on our own. No one can do everything alone, but working with people who are skilled where we come up short, guarded where we are vulnerable, and open where we are closed off is what unlocks the potential to accomplish things that would have otherwise been impossible.

I love that message, but I also love the metaphorical message. Glimmer and Catra have repeatedly seen in each other the things they were afraid of in themselves. Hating each other is tantamount to hating themselves and their acceptance of each other is tantamount to accepting themselves, which makes both of them more well-rounded and helps them to move forward.

And those lessons, to me, are among the most significant things about their intersecting journeys. They accept the differences in each other, they recognize the similarities in each other, and they come together to build each other up. It’s at once a journey of learning to accept others and a journey of learning to accept themselves. They learn that greeting their shortcomings with anger is ultimately self-destructive, ignoring these vulnerabilities is perilous, and it’s only through acceptance that they can begin to understand themselves, compensate for their limitations, and better themselves.

They each look into a mirror, see their own insecurities staring back at them, then decide to give that person a hug and say: “I’ve got your back.”

#SPoP #Catra #Glimmer #long post

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thekitschdiet · 3 years

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the kitsch diet part II

part one alr posted!! this chunk is about 3,000~ words long... let me know what u think :-) thank u all for all the luv already!!! looks like I really will hit 31 followers by easter!!!!!!!!

Who is the Kitsch Girl?

I think this is more loosely defined, but The Chic Diet did a truly admirable way of reducing a girl to her YSL bag and her really skinny legs. Now, that implies an archetype, or a population in a specific location. I think kitschness is kind of the niche you fill when you’re not really much of anything else, sort of your own conglomerate of mainstream-specific. One major requirement, though, is being a little too into something somewhat uncool. And the whole illusion falls apart if you have any sort of outward insecurity. See, the Kitsch Girl is somewhat undefinable because she is so much of everything. She exists in multitudes, in a way that is also quite simple to understand; think of a list of axioms, or principles to live by. And now add a section to each one that says “but…” to make a collection of verified exceptions. Say, the kitsch girl will never wear jeans. But she thrifted this pair of vintage flares she just loves. She doesn’t reply to texts efficiently, but sometimes she will within a couple seconds. No mascara, no dinner forks, candles are to be collected not burned; but that was a gift, or something. It’s not personal, of course, those are just the contradictions she exists in. Don’t try to understand it, the enigma is essential to the facade. Or maybe she just lives like this, and her character is so homogenous with her inner world there’s no sense in trying to separate it. You have to have a little bit of an individuality complex about the whole ordeal, which is normally so eugh, but if you’re kitschy enough it works on you. Trust!The Kitsch girl is not someone unlikeable, but amiable and well heeled. I double checked that last one, assuming it meant liked by most, but apparently means affluent. I suppose that is an aspect of the kitsch girl too, having seemingly endless frivolous expenses with no real strain, but that’s not important right now. People that don’t like her think so out of jealousy, or something. Envious that her clothes are all kind of shake-it-up-esque and her highlights desperately need touching up, but she still seems so enthralled with the whole of life… How does she enjoy her own company so much when other people want to know her better? Doesn’t she feel weird about blowing people off to make a joke about reading Kafka in the bath? Why would she document her cluttered, unexciting life on Instagram so delicately, so vibrantly? Of course, no one would say this to her face because they are really baseless claims. She’s nice, generous, and valuable to have as a friend. Trade-offs exist, as they do with anyone. But I like thinking it’s easier to overlook a forgotten birthday when your kitschy best friend gave you a multi strand pearl necklace to celebrate the welcome breeze of June. Or some other made-up holiday. She is so unassuming if you’re not really looking. Girls want in on her inner circle. Or they just don’t care. Nothing wrong with being liked or thought of naught, for the most part. Boys are either enthralled or repulsed by her. Her doctor knows her as something of a hypochondriac, but only minorly. It’s just carpal tunnel, don’t worry… The sales staff at CVS turn a blind eye when she slips an eyeliner pencil into her tote bag. She shoplifts on occasion, just to see if she still knows how. But she is not a shoplifter. $9 here and $6.45 there doesn’t really add up to much. Everywhere she goes, she makes a tertiary friend or two. The term of friend is loosely used here, of course. But it is nice to tell a stranger you like her earrings. Or her phone case is so fun, is it Wildflower? The kitsch girl has an eye for this kind of detail. Simply put, she is sort of unspectacular. But in a way that makes you sort of wish you knew her better.

Phone cases

The phone case is, like, religious for the kitsch girl. Sorry, but there’s just no other accessory as flippant and expensive and single-purpose as a trendy little iPhone case with some semitacky stickers plastered over the design. I used to have an iPhone XS- extrasmall- with like, 18 phone cases. It was kind of a sordid affair. I jest, but really… owning that many phone cases was kind of sick. We get it, you are frivolous and spontaneous and sooo stylish! Stop posting mirror selfies on your Instagram story, your crush isn’t going to see it. Kidding again. Having an extensive collection of phone cases is just so fun because while attainable, most people just simply do not partake in it. That makes you kitschy and unique. I really thought I had more to say about the IDEA of the phone case, but I guess in practice it is all very, very simple. You can slide your driver’s license in the back of a clear case. At what point does it stop being cool to have legal operational control of a vehicle? I don’t display mine because I don’t really like the photo. I look round. In the eyes but also just in general, swollen, unglamorous. Whatever. Not like I drive a Nissan or anything. I drive my *Mom’s* Nissan. Playing Bladee in the car seems sacrilegious. She would hate it.Back to phone cases. Sonix ones are cute but kind of overpriced retail- unless you have like, an iPhone 12 Pro Max or whatever the fuck is new this year, just go to Winner’s. They always have Xs and 11 cases. I had a cherry one for my previous phone, like the exact one Lana Del Rey had? Thank god I sold it before she got outed as a copfucker or whatever. Casetify is for an inadvertent flex. Flexing your lame, lame taste. Sorry, I know you bought it because you liked it, but what you failed to consider is just how un-Kitsch they are. SO common, and they advertise on Instagram. Sorry, I just can’t get into it! Kind of how I just never liked the Brandy Amara tanks. Or lowtop converse. Otterbox is just distressing. Like, if my boyfriend gave me an otterbox phone case I would probably break up with him because somebody clearly isn’t paying attention- one of my favorite, potentially overused joke is how Otterbox cases are the equivalent of orthopedic insoles. Sorry but if you have poor arch support or whatever, but no pain is worth giving up a good pair of Margiela slingback tabi heels. Obviously I couldn’t afford that right now because all loose income goes directly to Wildflower and my cig boy. But like, one day. I hope you want to punch me in the face a little bit after reading that. If Wildflower isn’t your thing, at least have the decency to get a beaded phone strap. But not from String Ting. Pray tell you aren’t keeping score, but they are one of my several parasocial enemies. That should have been ME collaborating with Wildflower! Should have been ME mailing shit to Caroline Calloway (more on her later, but she is the only blue check I follow. I adore her! I was on her patreon for a bit I thinkl!!) …. Side note. Phone cases are cute but there is no way to properly protect your laptop without looking just absurd or colossally lame. The foam sleeves… ick.

Having the shittiest music taste ever

So like, here’s the thing. I’m an Apple Music user, which sort of reinstates my status as an unironic My Bloody Valentine Hyperpop Death Grips kinda gal. Read; volcel. My most recent conquest ended up being a huge L on my part, but also… I totally dodged a bullet. The guy had an iPhone 11 (female trait) and didn’t know who Rei Brown was, which just seemed suspicious given his Niche. I just know he had a “making out playlist” comprising entirely of like, Joji. Which isn’t a bad thing I guess but so unembarrassing it horseshoes back to being humiliating.Like I said. Having the worst music taste. It’s nice how subjective and deeply personal your music taste can be; no one really Needs to know you’re a die hard drainer. But there’s also no point in being a die-hard drainer and Not capitalizing off it somehow. I added it up and I have well over 150 hours of just Bladee and Yung Lean. Which is so yass? The more I write, using myself as a case study, I realize just how desperately jobless I am. And Yogenfruz isn’t even hiring! UGH!I think there is something very kitschy about liking hyperpop in the least ironic, least obnoxious way. Sort of feeds into a “I’m not like other girls” thing, but I mean… That’s kind of the idea of kitsch, isn’t it? Be a little different but also the very same as your lipgloss brethren?!Side note. If you make monthly playlists I am genuinely kind of afraid of you. That is just so organized!! I just make playlists with esoteric titles and then make a new one when I’m sick of the stuff on the last. I have exhausted most genres but I think my favorite is the “I’m wearing f****ng air forces and my teeth are SO white”. Guess what genre it is. Or don’t, but it’s probably what you think is. Okay, moving on….

Curating a scent

I like thinking I smell like mango and peach, Glossier you, whatever citrus is in that Lush shower jelly and mint 5Gum. But of course it is probably less distinct and just kind of generally fruit-floral-mint. Anyway. I think Glossier You is the perfect scent for anyone with a rather elementary understanding of the whole.. Perfume business. Every bottle of intentional fragrance I own was made via aesthetic choices… it really helps that Glossier You is so cute And so universal. Now, Glossier is kind of interesting to me because it really is at the intersection of cheugy and kitsch. Kind of basic, overplayed, unspectacular. But also…. Often popular things are popular because they are good. Glossier has excellent customer suurv, they ship SO fast (and no import duties! W!) and their stuff is just so sweet and nice if not unoriginal, in kind of the same way strawberry ice cream is. Which is still my favorite, of course, especially if there’s a vegan option. I was talking about Glossier. What the hell! It’s really worth trying out. A huge principle of kitsch is just… having as many possible layers and appendages to your composure as possible. And adding a signature scent just really completes that! When curating your own, I say this as a complete amateur, know-nothing; make it something that comes kind of naturally to Your Character. Like, I’m just not a Chanel No 5 kind of girl. Odds are you aren’t either. My bottle (before she asked for it back when I told her I didn’t use it, in exchange for a Nordstrom’s gift card) was from my grandmother. Ummm.. Yeah, I really have no expertise in curating a scent. But it is nice to have a signature. And having a bottle displayed on your dresser next to your aughties McDonald milkshake themed beanie baby and a handful of lip products is just way too fun! This is the kind of girl I am, everyone! Cluttered, but prioritizing pretty-delicate things!

Cheugyism

Cheugy is a relatively new word that has unfortunately wormed into my vocabulary to replace “uncouth”. Which I use to mean graceless or tacky, but if that isn’t what it means…. Don’t tell me. That would hurt more than weighing myself after a “feast” slash pastry binge at my dear Grandmothe’s house. Like I was saying. Cheugy. It’s sort of a fucked up concept to me because it is a critique on consumption, but not the pace or volume or magnitude of it. But rather… the idea of not being “good” enough at engaging in microtrends, or involvement in the fast paced fashion cycle. Don’t get me started on TikTok, or do, but… yeah,. No. That will require a cigarette because I’m so sorry, but writing a thinkpiece on social media is so lowbrow I would need to find about six ways to aesthetically counteract it…. Moving on. I think the idea of cheugy is good, we really do need a word to simply and efficiently define “out of date/uninspired/lame”. But the way it is used to shame others for not liking the same trends or whatever is kind of gross. If you use cheugyism to put other people down and not as a neutral identifier umm… you will become what you fear. Sorry, that’s what happens. Some things that I think are cheugy or embarrassing, or just not part of my stylistic lexicon are… 1. Hooded or zip up clothing, or things with a large graphic on the back. Bingo if it's all three! I just can’t get behind it. Side note, my summer home outfit is brandy sweats and a tube top (Urban Outfitters tank I ripped the straps off) and a large cardigan that should have belonged to a stoner, but probably didn’t. I can dunk on bulky, uninspired clothes because I would honest to God NEVER be caught DEAD out of the house wearing any of it. I’m so serious. Next segment should be about the kitsch girl’s inadvertent affinity for diuretics. Remind me….. One of the ports of my laptop is dead. Not really sure what to do about that.

Eye makeup and what it means to me….

Personally, I am one of those people who never wears foundation and kind of has a complex about it. The kitsch girl wears fluffy eyelashes and owns a plethora of sparkly eyeliner. Or maybe she doesn’t, but she has something distinct and a little ritzy, if not haphazard. We all saw Euphoria and it like, totally imprinted on us. The way glitter sits on your face after a long day is so resplendent. When it’s shining and a little bit melted off from your long, semi-productive day… ugh! Just made for film. Pictures on film. But not the Prequel app. I keep getting fucking ads for it. But it’s so embarrassing. Like, isn’t the whole point of film the authenticity of the moment? The texture of the afternoon? Why would you fabricate that? Prequel is just so cheugy. More on that later. But anyhow. Wearing a ton of eye makeup kind of fits with the idea of film too I think. Like, look at you, in the moment. With your strip lash falling off! It’s all so tres-chic. Plus, for whatever reason, it’s kind of unique or notably dedicated to ~Pull up to the function~ with more eye makeup on than everyone else. Sorry, but it really doesn’t take that long! But yes I will gracefully accept your praise… it’s kind of like the dropshipping of complements if you think about it. Easy to source with little to no effort in the curating. Side note, lashes are like $20 for 40 weeks if you cut them in half and use each pair about 5 times. You could probably do more but I lose track. How the fuck is it almost June? I was trudging through the snow to check the mail for my Online Ceramics shirt just last week, I swear. The trick to cutting your lashes (the way I do it anyway) is pretty simple. Get out two lashes that are symmetrical. Find the middle and cut one slightly to the left and one slightly to the right. This means you have two sets (one set is a little more dramatic than the other but at least they are symmetrical) with longer outer edges. Glue this to the outer corner of your eye and you will look so Composed… obsessed with how this layers with three eyeliner tails (one traditional one pointing up and one pointing down directly below it, sort of like the tail light on a 2019 Lexus UX) and one below your eye, like a clown. Fun, irrelevant fact, is the first time I added this third tail to my eye makeup, my dad had just gotten home from the hospital because he was sure he had like appendicitis or something and it was actually.. Not that. Typical indie hypochondriac. He made me bring him cottage cheese on a plate with a teaspoon that evening. I put black pepper on it for flair, which he hated. Walking up and down stairs with a plate of cottage cheese is much more imprinting than most of the multiplication tables. Don’t forget to use a bright shimmer eyeshadow in your inner corner. It really opens up your eyes. I recommend Too Faced. One time I got a little bit too high and tried to film an “editorial” makeup tutorial. You will never, ever, ever see that video. But I essentially covered my whole eyelid in the ABH shadow “palermo” and smudged out the edges with a tan Tartelette Toasted shade, coupled with my long-expired Milk Makeup holographic stick. Lopsided lashes and near-blinding eyeliner experience aside, it was kind of cool. My point is, you really cannot go wrong with an arsenal of shimmers, taupey mattes and a good eyeliner pen.

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septembriseur · 3 years

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I was talking to a friend recently about the differences between "old" and "new" fandom, and we decided it came down to whether or not you engaged WITH canon or VERSUS canon, and I think either mentality extends to your approach to fanon, where either you all have to be on the same page or everyone is kind of bouncing off each other (obviously I'm generalising in both contexts). (1/2)

(2/2) I don't want to be disparaging of how other people approach fandom spaces, but as someone who is firmly in the VERSUS camp, I don't understand how WITH fandom can operate on a large scale or longterm? As you say, if you view fandom as a transaction with specific expectations, how are you going to enforce that? To me it takes the focus off the creative works and on inter-community policing.

lol sorry one more point! I ascribe the rise of "new" fandom to heightened corporate interest in fandom generally--it seems like once at least certain media companies realised they could capitalize on fandom they were more deliberate in giving people what they wanted, thus diminishing the need for reinterpretations of canon. I also think that bc canon gay ships are so prioritized, any other interpretation is strongly discouraged by these "new" fandoms.

It’s taken me ages to answer this because I’ve just been so mentally weary. Sorry!

The concept of “versus” fandom is very interesting to me. Part of what interests me is that there is not actually a huge practical gap between my world and the worlds of creators. Like, I know some creators/actors/etc; I know more people who know creators/actors/etc; it’s perfectly possible that at any given turn I could interact with a given creator. And yet I do view fan work as operating in a different sphere from canon, and I’m not particularly interested in the intersection of those two spheres. That’s not to say I’m anti- fan writers crossing over, as many do, or anti- fan writers writing for canon, and in fact I’ve been working on a project for a canon line. But my writing for canon looks nothing like my fan writing, and I have no impulse to try and “adapt” my fan writing to canon. That’s just not my understanding of what fan work is, or does. Fan work is a practice that is versus canon, or maybe just in response to canon. It’s the other half of a conversation in which there are two voices. (Half-formed thought here about dialecticism, prompted by me reading the intro to Gershom Scholem’s book on Jewish Mysticism on the train— this might be where I would ultimately end upcoming up with something intelligent to say re: your point about polyvocality, which I think is probably essential and key.)

I don’t know if I agree, though, that fanservice diminishes the need for reinterpretations of the canon, precisely because of this sense that fan work is a response to what’s there. The fact that, historically, fan work has prioritized the exploration of gay ships doesn’t mean that the presence of gay characters or the acknowledgement of subtext is going to obviate the urge towards response. I mean, for instance, if Marvel makes Bucky Barnes bisexual, that doesn’t diminish the richness of interpretations in which Bucky is Jewish, or in which Bucky is the survivor of sexual trauma. It doesn’t even actually diminish the richness of interpretations in which Bucky is bisexual, because a lot of the appeal of such interpretations has always been: “Okay, but what would that look like outside of the text? What is his daily life like? What if this other thing happened?” Maybe that’s where a lot of the polyvocality does come in! Like: there is no One True Interpretation of a character; there’s not even a fixed interpretation. And fanwork has always been about the “what if...?” — which is what makes it such a powerful site for people to explore questions of identity. What if Bucky had a traumatic brain injury? What if he was epileptic? What if (as in a story that I once co-wrote 10,000 words of with @prettyboysdontlookatexplosions he filed a personal injury suit against the US government and ended up a billionaire? These are all just different what-ifs that allow the exploration of different problems. And, to me, that’s what fanwork has always been about.

#saga replies #justanotherbildungsroman

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tricktster · 4 years

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Is TST for the satanic temple

It is merely a happy happy happy coincidence, but don’t take that to mean that they don’t have my full-throated support and admiration.

Since you kids are on tumblr, I’m guessing a lot of you already know that The Satanic Temple (TST) is not, in fact, a group of people who worship Satan. For those of you who might (understandably) have TST confused with an an actual Satan-worshipping entity, rest assured - supporting TST requires no actual Satan worship - or anything worship, it’s a “non-theistic religion.”

So, you might be wondering, what’s the point of a purported Satanic church that explicitly does not believe in, nor worship, Satan?

Great rhetorical question! Thank you for the invitation to geek out! In this essay I will explain why The Satanic Temple is an incredibly clever maneuver to protect the individual rights and liberties of people in the United States of America, and why you should all, regardless of religious belief, stan them. I am sorry! This is going to be a long one! I’m going to use a page break!

(Apologies if anything I say here is really basic obvious stuff that you already know. I will probably cover some familiar ground, but I didn’t get taught about any of this in high school beyond a few throwaway paragraphs in a textbook, so I’m writing with an audience of ‘me in high school’ in mind.)

As you know, the founding fathers did some pretty wild shit when they decided on what the United States of America was going to look like, and among the wildest was the decision that America would not have a state religion. I cannot express to you guys how significant this decision was in shaping American culture... soooo I won’t try because it’s beside the point and this is already going to be way too long. All you really need to take away is the following:

The U.S. constitution provides both that religion and government are to be kept separate, and that the free exercise of religion is a fundamental individual right, and those portions of the constitution have pissed a lot of people off over the last 244 years.

So there’s actually three parts of the bill of rights that are in play here. In the First Amendment, we have the Establishment Clause, and the Free Exercise Clause:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion [The Establishment Clause], or prohibiting the free exercise thereof [The Free Exercise Clause]; or abridging the freedom of speech [...]”

These clauses were the only part of the Constitution that touched on religion until the 14th amendment was ratified in 1868. For those of you who are curious about the timing of a new amendment in 1869 and are as bad with significant dates as I am, the Civil War ended in 1865, and, as such, it’s worth noting that the purpose of the 14th Amendment was to guarantee equal civil and legal rights to Black people. I am not the first person to note that uh, we are clearly still working on that.

Anyway, for our purposes, the pertinent part of the 14th amendment is the Equal Protection Clause:

“No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

Okay, very broadly, here’s what each clause actually does:

The Establishment Clause says that the US government cannot sponsor any religion, or involve itself in religion to the benefit of one religion over another.

The Free Exercise clause says that the US government cannot stop someone from holding a religious belief (or force them to adhere to another religious belief)

The Equal Protection Clause prohibits discrimination on the basis of religious belief

These all look pretty great on paper, but in practice, enforcing them has been wildly hit or miss. I’m going to discuss why, so I’ll say up front that none of this should not be construed as an attack on Christianity. Religious faith is intensely personal, and I want to emphasize that I am in no way advocating for adherents to the Christian faith to be unable to practice that faith. I am a sincere advocate for everyone to be able to freely practice their own religious beliefs (or lack thereof), and that’s exactly what’s at issue here - when one religion is positioned above all others, anyone who does not believe in that particular religion is impacted detrimentally.

So with that caveat in place, it’s important to recognize the following: the United States is, and has always been, a majority Christian nation. 65% of Americans identified as Christian in 2019, which is a historic low. Even ten years back, it was closer to 85%. In accordance with the demographics of the US, Christianity is, if anything, over-represented in US government. 85.4% of US congressmen identify as Christian. 82 out of the 100 senators identify as Christian (I’m not counting members of congress or the senate who identify as members of the Church of Latter Day Saints in those numbers). Furthermore, every single president has identified themselves as Christian - the spiciest America has gotten in re: the religious beliefs of a POTUS was JFK, who was, you know, Catholic.

This is important, because it directly impacts how we interpret what “separation of church and state,” “free exercise of religion,” and “nondiscrimination on the basis of faith” actually mean. When a country is predominantly comprised of people who share the same faith, that faith becomes part of the shared cultural concept of national identity: even though the US is, in practice, relatively diverse in terms of ethnicities and religious faiths (as far as countries go), if you ask someone on the street to imagine an American, they are probably going to imagine a white dude who loves Flag and also Jesus. That national identity is reflected in the country’s chosen representatives, and in return, in the legislation passed by those representatives and the behavior expressly condoned by the government as a whole. The end result of all of this is that in the United States of America, Christianity and the exercise of government frequently intersect.

Take the late forties and early fifties. WWII is over, and two global superpowers have emerged that are at diametrical positions; there’s our old capitalist pal the US in one corner, and in the other, the godless, socialist menace of the USSR. I’m being silly and hyperbolic here, but not about the godless bit: the USSR was officially an athiest state, and the government forcibly converted its citizens to atheism. So, the US squints at this and swings hard in the opposite direction; this is a Christian nation, we are sticking “under god” in the pledge of allegiance, we are putting Ten Commandment sculptures in front of our courthouses, we are mandating prayer in school, and if you have an issue with any of that, you are not a patriotic American.

Some of that stuff from the 50s still exists today (“under god” is still kicking around), but a lot more of it is essentially outlawed thanks to the branch of government that I haven’t mentioned yet, the federal judiciary. How this played out was essentially that someone would be impacted by state-sponsored Christianity, they would sue, and their case would eventually be appealed up to the level of the Supreme Court, who would look at the Constitution, admit that it’s pretty unequivocal about the whole separation of church and state thing, and bar the state sponsored religious practice at issue, or at the very least ensure that the state was not sponsoring one faith to the exclusion of others. So, to return to our ten commandments in front of the courthouse or nativity scene outside of a government building; (I’m really simplifying things here but this is the gist) the court has repeatedly decided, those are fine, as long as you give fair play to any other religion that wants to erect their own religious display there too. It’s either that all religions have an equal opportunity to be represented, or no religion does.

I know, this is supposed to be about why The Satanic Temple is cool. We’re getting there.

Let’s jump ahead to the early 2000s. Bush Jr. is president, thanks in no small part to massive evangelical Christian support, and those evangelical Christians have some demands: they want schools to teach creationism, they’re gunning directly for reproductive rights, and they have had enough of this whole gay nonsense. A lot of legislation gets passed during the Bush era that gives the Evangelical base what they want, and among those big evangelical wins was on teaching intelligent design in schools. This didn’t happen everywhere, but some states basically said that intelligent design could be taught alongside evolution in public school science classes, and that evolution and intelligent design had to be portayed as equally valid theories.

Obviously, a lot people were upset about this, because... well, it’s science class. Among the people who thought this whole thing was bullshit was a guy named Bobby Henderson, who wrote an open letter to the Kansas Board of Education in 2005. Referencing the Supreme Court decisions I discussed earlier (either all religious beliefs get equal play or none of them do), Bobby demanded that along with evolution and intelligent design, Kansas schools devote equal time to teaching the creation story of his religious faith, and if any of this is sounding familiar, that’s because Bobby described his religious faith as “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.”

The memetic potential of this argument was basically designed for the internet era, and it wasn’t too long before purported adherents to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was filing lawsuits that challenged all sorts of government practices that obviously skewed Christian. They were making classic reductio ad absurdum arguments; if it was ridiculous that the government should promote the message of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a given sphere, it was equally ridiculous that the government should promote the message of other religious faiths in that same sphere.

The whole pastafarian movement had one major weakness, however - it was expressly, deliberately silly. Nobody could mistake a Flying Spaghetti Monster argument to be made in good faith, and the courts used this to basically ignore FSM challenges that would otherwise be valid. Here’s what the Nebraska federal district court decided in the big Flying Spaghetti Monster case, Cavanaugh v. Bartlet:

“The Court finds that FSMism is not a ‘religion’ within the meaning of the relevant federal statutes and constitutional jurisprudence. It is, rather, a parody, intended to advance an argument about science, the evolution of life, and the place of religion in public education. Those are important issues, and FSMism contains a serious argument, but that does not mean that the trappings of the satire used to make that argument are entitled to protection as a ‘religion.’”

That’s the Pastafarian problem in a nutshell. They had great points, but they weren’t actually a religion, and that left the courts free to disregard their arguments by saying that they lacked standing. “Standing” is legalese for the concept of who is able to bring a lawsuit based on a particular act or law. This sounds esoteric, but it makes logical sense: If your neighbor gets hit by an ice cream truck, is injured, and is now hundreds of thousands of dollars in the hole for medical debt, he has standing to sue the ice cream truck driver. He suffered an injury that was caused by the ice cream truck driver, and the court has the ability to direct the ice cream truck driver to pay for his medical bills and pain and suffering etc. If you, on the other hand, decide to sue the ice cream truck driver because they ran over your neighbor, well, did you actually get injured? Would it being about any sort of justice if the ice cream truck driver had to pay you money? If the answer is no and you try to sue anyway, the court’s going to kick that lawsuit out.

Constitutional challenges often die because the person suing doesn’t have standing to bring the case. Remember how I mentioned earlier that “one nation under god” is still in the Pledge of Allegiance? A case about that actually got all the way to the Supreme Court, before it was tossed out for lack of standing - the problem was that a student’s father had brought the lawsuit, instead of the student herself. Likewise, the Flying Spaghetti Monster cases usually went nowhere because the courts would say “okay, you’re claiming that this law is trampling on your right to practice your chosen religion, but your religion is deliberately ludicrous. Your holy book was published in 2006 and heavily features a beer volcano. You don’t actually believe in any of this, so you haven’t actually suffered the harm that you’re claiming this legislation caused.”

So, uh, how the hell does an athiest challenge the constitutionality of laws like the FSM movement tried to without just getting tossed out for lack of sincerity?

Okay. Okay. We’re finally here. Let’s talk about The Satanic Temple.

In 2013, after witnessing how the FSM movement failed to accomplish meaningful change, Lucien Greaves realized that even though the basic concept of what FSM was trying to accomplish was solid, the issue was in its execution. If you wanted to challenge laws that unconstitutionally favored Christianity, you couldn’t be joking around about your fake religion; you had to play it absolutely straight.

What Greaves came up with is incredibly clever. He set about constructing a new religion for the purpose of using the FSM playbook without falling into the same judicial pitfalls. He made sure that the new religion would constitute an actual belief system in the eyes of the law, which involved identifying the mission and core articulable tenents of the religion. I’m quoting them both below because they’re cool as hell:

The Mission of The Satanic Temple

“The mission of The Satanic Temple is to encourage benevolence and empathy among all people, reject tyrannical authority, advocate practical common sense, oppose injustice, and undertake noble pursuits.

The Satanic Temple has publicly confronted hate groups, fought for the abolition of corporal punishment in public schools, applied for equal representation when religious installations are placed on public property, provided religious exemption and legal protection against laws that unscientifically restrict women's reproductive autonomy, exposed harmful pseudo-scientific practitioners in mental health care, organized clubs alongside other religious after-school clubs in schools besieged by proselytizing organizations, and engaged in other advocacy in accordance with our tenets.”

The Seven Tenets of The Satanic Temple

1. One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.

2. The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

3. One's body is inviolable, subject to one's own will alone.

4. The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.

5. Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.

6. People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.

7. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

Tenets aside, though, this next bit is what just delights me to my core with how crafty it is: Instead of making up his own religious text and history, he went directly to the Bible and said (I’m paraphrasing) “the historical foundation of The Satanic Temple is the exact same as the historical foundation of Christianity. We share the same holy book, and our faiths are grounded in the same tradition. Here’s the only difference: We believe with all sincerity that the character in that book who said ‘hey, try the apple, the pursuit of knowledge is worth rebelling against authority for’ is actually the good guy in the story, and although we are not a theistic organization, it is our sincere religious belief to comport ourselves in the manner espoused by the literary character Satan.”

Holy shit, guys. Holy shit, that is smart. He set up his religion so that you couldn’t attack it for being fake without also attacking Christianity for being fake! Simultaneously, he designed a religion that would reliably produce the perfect reductio ad absurdum argument- you want to display your ten commandment statue on public land? Okay, chill, but per the Constitution, we get equal play, so if you want those ten commandments, you’d better be cool with them sitting right next to our 3000 lb bronze statue of children gazing adoringly up at Baphomet:

Oh, wait, you don’t want to have that statue on government property? Cool. Totally fine. Just take your ten commandments slabs away too, and we’ll call it a truce.

The Satanic Temple exists to protect individual constitutional rights. Regardless of your own religious sentiment, it’s hopefully easy enough to see how incredibly shitty it would be to have your elected government promote religious beliefs that you do not share, to have religious sentiments that you find abhorrent expressly condoned by the government, or to have your own rights of expression and against discrimination constrained by a government that expressly santions only the religious beliefs of the majority, in spite of the concepts expressed in the United States Constitution. The only way to challenge an unconstitutional law is to sue, and it takes a lot of time, effort, and most of all resources to see a constitutional lawsuit through. Organized religion and government entities have a much easier time defending those cases than an individual does in suing them; by supporting The Satanic Temple, you’re directly evening the odds.

P.S. I know I talk a big game about how cleverly The Satanic Temple was designed, but you know how you can tell that it’s actually brilliant? The IRS granted it tax exempt status as a religious entity in 2019. Yup. Even with the IRS directly under the thumb of Donald J. Trump, a man desperate to maintain evangelical support, the IRS finally had to concede that they could not find any reason why The Satanic Temple shouldn’t be treated the exact same way as any other church. Angry that a Satanic entity doesn’t have to pay taxes on its income? Well, buddy, get ready to learn what megachurches get away with.

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dornish-queen · 4 years

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Pedro Pascal on Fame and ‘The Mandalorian’: ‘Can We Cut the S— and Talk About the Child?’

By Adam B. Vary

Photographs by Beau Grealy

When Pedro Pascal was roughly 4 years old, he and his family went to see the 1978 hit movie “Superman,” starring Christopher Reeve. Pascal’s young parents had come to live in San Antonio after fleeing their native Chile during the rise of dictator Augusto Pinochet in the mid-1970s. Taking Pascal and his older sister to the movies — sometimes more than once a week — had become a kind of family ritual, a way to soak up as much American pop culture as possible.

At some point during this particular visit, Pascal needed to go to the bathroom, and his parents let him go by himself. “I didn’t really know how to read yet,” Pascal says with the same Cheshire grin that dazzled “Game of Thrones” fans during his run as the wily (and doomed) Oberyn Martel. “I did not find my way back to ‘Superman.'”

Instead, Pascal wandered into a different theater (he thinks it was showing the 1979 domestic drama “Kramer vs. Kramer,” but, again, he was 4). In his shock and bewilderment at being lost, he curled up into an open seat and fell asleep. When he woke up, the movie was over, the theater was empty, and his parents were standing over him. To his surprise, they seemed rather calm, but another detail sticks out even more.

“I know that they finished their movie,” he says, bending over in laughter. “My sister was trying to get a rise out of me by telling me, ‘This happened and that happened and then Superman did this and then, you know, the earthquake and spinning around the planet.'” In the face of such relentless sibling mockery, Pascal did the only logical thing: “I said, ‘All that happened in my movie too.'”

He had no way of knowing it at the time, of course, but some 40 years later, Pascal would in fact get the chance to star in a movie alongside a DC Comics superhero — not to mention battle Stormtroopers and, er, face off against the most formidable warrior in Westeros. After his breakout on “Game of Thrones,” he became an instant get-me-that-guy sensation, mostly as headstrong, taciturn men of action — from chasing drug traffickers in Colombia for three seasons on Netflix’s “Narcos” to squaring off against Denzel Washington in “The Equalizer 2.”

This year, though, Pascal finds himself poised for the kind of marquee career he’s spent a lifetime dreaming about. On Oct. 30, he’ll return for Season 2 as the title star of “The Mandalorian,” Lucasfilm’s light-speed hit “Star Wars” series for Disney Plus that earned 15 Emmy nominations, including best drama, in its first season. And then on Dec. 25 — COVID-19 depending — he’ll play the slippery comic book villain Maxwell Lord opposite Gal Gadot, Chris Pine and Kristen Wiig in “Wonder Woman 1984.”

The roles are at once wildly divergent and the best showcase yet for Pascal’s elastic talents. In “The Mandalorian,” he must hide his face — and, in some episodes, his whole body — in a performance that pushes minimalism and restraint to an almost ascetic ideal. In “Wonder Woman 1984,” by stark contrast, he is delivering the kind of big, broad bad-guy character that populated the 1980s popcorn spectaculars of his youth.

“I continually am so surprised when everybody pegs him as such a serious guy,” says “Wonder Woman 1984” director Patty Jenkins. “I have to say, Pedro is one of the most appealing people I have known. He instantly becomes someone that everybody invites over and you want to have around and you want to talk to.”

Talk with Pascal for just five minutes — even when he’s stuck in his car because he ran out of time running errands before his flight to make it to the set of a Nicolas Cage movie in Budapest — and you get an immediate sense of what Jenkins is talking about. Before our interview really starts, Pascal points out, via Zoom, that my dog is licking his nether regions in the background. “Don’t stop him!” he says with an almost naughty reproach. “Let him live his life!”

Over our three such conversations, it’s also clear that Pascal’s great good humor and charm have been at once ballast for a number of striking hardships, and a bulwark that makes his hard-won success a challenge for him to fully accept.

Before Pascal knew anything about “The Mandalorian,” its showrunner and executive producer Jon Favreau knew he wanted Pascal to star in it.

“He feels very much like a classic movie star in his charm and his delivery,” says Favreau. “And he’s somebody who takes his craft very seriously.” Favreau felt Pascal had the presence and skill essential to deliver a character — named Din Djarin, but mostly called Mando — who spends virtually every second of his time on screen wearing a helmet, part of the sacrosanct creed of the Mandalorian order.

Convincing any actor to hide their face for the run of a series can be as precarious as escaping a Sarlacc pit. To win Pascal over in their initial meeting, Favreau brought him behind the “Mandalorian” curtain, into a conference room papered with storyboards covering the arc of the first season. “When he walked in, it must have felt a little surreal,” Favreau says. “You know, most of your experiences as an actor, people are kicking the tires to see if it’s a good fit. But in this case, everything was locked and loaded.”

Needless to say, it worked. “I hope this doesn’t sound like me fashioning myself like I’m, you know, so smart, but I agreed to do this [show] because the impression I had when I had my first meeting was that this is the next big s—,” Pascal says with a laugh.

Favreau’s determination to cast Pascal, however, put the actor in a tricky situation: Pascal’s own commitments to make “Wonder Woman 1984” in London and to perform in a Broadway run of “King Lear” with Glenda Jackson barreled right into the production schedule for “The Mandalorian.” Some scenes on the show, and in at least one case a full episode, would need to lean on the anonymity of the title character more than anyone had quite planned, with two stunt performers — Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder — playing Mando on set and Pascal dubbing in the dialogue months later.

Pascal was already being asked to smother one of his best tools as an actor, extraordinarily uncommon for anyone shouldering the newest iteration of a global live-action franchise. (Imagine Robert Downey Jr. only playing Iron Man while wearing a mask — you can’t!) Now he had to hand over control of Mando’s body to other performers too. Some actors would have walked away. Pascal didn’t.

“If there were more than just a couple of pages of a one-on-one scene, I did feel uneasy about not, in some instances, being able to totally author that,” he says. “But it was so easy in such a sort of practical and unexciting way for it to be up to them. When you’re dealing with a franchise as large as this, you are such a passenger to however they’re going to carve it out. It’s just so specific. It’s ‘Star Wars.'” (For Season 2, Pascal says he was on the set far more, though he still sat out many of Mando’s stunts.)

“The Mandalorian” was indeed the next big s—, helping to catapult the launch of Disney Plus to 26.5 million subscribers in its first six weeks. With the “Star Wars” movies frozen in carbonite until 2023 (at least), I noted offhand that he’s now effectively the face of one of the biggest pop-culture franchises in the world. Pascal could barely suppress rolling his eyes.

“I mean, come on, there isn’t a face!” he says with a laugh that feels maybe a little forced. “If you want to say, ‘You’re the silhouette’ — which is also a team effort — then, yeah.” He pauses. “Can we just cut the s— and talk about the Child?”

Yes, of course, the Child — or, as the rest of the galaxy calls it, Baby Yoda. Pascal first saw the incandescently cute creature during his download of “Mandalorian” storyboards in that initial meeting with Favreau. “Literally, my eyes following left to right, up and down, and, boom, Baby Yoda close to the end of the first episode,” he says. “That was when I was like, ‘Oh, yep, that’s a winner!'”

Baby Yoda is undeniably the breakout star of “The Mandalorian,” inspiring infinite memes and apocryphal basketball game sightings. But the show wouldn’t work if audiences weren’t invested in Mando’s evolving emotional connection to the wee scene stealer, something Favreau says Pascal understood from the jump. “He’s tracking the arc of that relationship,” says the showrunner. “His insight has made us rethink moments over the course of the show.” (As with all things “Star Wars,” questions about specifics are deflected in deference to the all-powerful Galactic Order of Spoilers.)

Even if Pascal couldn’t always be inside Mando’s body, he never left the character’s head, always aware of how this orphaned bounty hunter who caroms from planet to planet would look askance at anything that felt too good (or too adorable) to be true.

“The transience is something that I’m incredibly familiar with, you know?” Pascal says. “Understanding the opportunity for complexity under all of the armor was not hard for me.”

When Pascal was 4 months old, his parents had to leave him and his sister with their aunt, so they could go into hiding to avoid capture during Pinochet’s crackdown against his opposition. After six months, they finally managed to climb the walls of the Venezuelan embassy during a shift change and claim asylum; from there, the family relocated, first to Denmark, then to San Antonio, where Pascal’s father got a job as a physician.

Pascal was too young to remember any of this, and for a healthy stretch of his childhood, his complicated Chilean heritage sat in parallel to his life in the U.S. — separate tracks, equally important, never quite intersecting. By the time Pascal was 8, his family was able to take regular trips back to Chile to visit with his 34 first cousins. But he doesn’t remember really talking about any of his time there all that much with his American friends.

“I remember at one point not even realizing that my parents had accents until a friend was like, ‘Why does your mom talk like that?'” Pascal says. “And I remember thinking, like what?”

Besides, he loved his life in San Antonio. His father took him and his sister to Spurs basketball games during the week if their homework was done. He hoodwinked his mother into letting him see “Poltergeist” at the local multiplex. He watched just about anything on cable; the HBO special of Whoopi Goldberg’s one-woman Broadway show knocked him flat. He remembers seeing Henry Thomas in “E.T.” and Christian Bale in “Empire of the Sun” and wishing ardently, urgently, I want to live those stories too.

Then his father got a job in Orange County, Calif. After Pascal finished the fifth grade, they moved there. It was a shock. “There were two really, really rough years,” he says. “A lot of bullying.”

His mother found him a nascent performing arts high school in the area, and Pascal burrowed even further into his obsessions, devouring any play or movie he could get his hands on. His senior year, a friend of his mother’s gave Pascal her ticket to a long two-part play running in downtown Los Angeles that her bad back couldn’t withstand. He got out of school early to drive there by himself. It was the pre-Broadway run of “Angels in America.”

“And it changed me,” he says with almost religious awe. “It changed me.”

After studying acting at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, Pascal booked a succession of solid gigs, like MTV’s “Undressed” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” But the sudden death of his mother — who’d only just been permitted to move back to Chile a few years earlier — took the wind right from Pascal’s sails. He lost his agent, and his career stalled almost completely.

As a tribute to her, he decided to change his professional last name from Balmaceda, his father’s, to Pascal, his mother’s. “And also, because Americans had such a hard time pronouncing Balmaceda,” he says. “It was exhausting.”

Pascal even tried swapping out Pedro for Alexander (an homage to Ingmar Bergman’s “Fanny and Alexander,” one of the formative films of his youth). “I was willing to do absolutely anything to work more,” he says. “And that meant if people felt confused by who they were looking at in the casting room because his first name was Pedro, then I’ll change that. It didn’t work.”

It was a desperately lean time for Pascal. He booked an occasional “Law & Order” episode, but mostly he was pounding the pavement along with his other New York theater friends — like Oscar Isaac, who met Pascal doing an Off Broadway play. They became fast, lifelong friends, bonding over their shared passions and frustrations as actors.

“It’s gotten better, but at that point, it was so easy to be pigeonholed in very specific roles because we’re Latinos,” says Isaac. “It’s like, how many gang member roles am I going to be sent?” As with so many actors, the dream Pascal and Isaac shared to live the stories of their childhoods had been stripped down to its most basic utility. “The dream was to be able to pay rent,” says Isaac. “There wasn’t a strategy. We were just struggling. It was talking about how to do this thing that we both love but seems kind of insurmountable.”

As with so few actors, that dream was finally rekindled through sheer nerve and the luck of who you know, when another lifelong friend, actor Sarah Paulson, agreed to pass along Pascal’s audition for Oberyn Martell to her best friend Amanda Peet, who is married to “Game of Thrones” co-showrunner David Benioff.

“First of all, it was an iPhone selfie audition, which was unusual,” Benioff remembers over email. “And this wasn’t one of the new-fangled iPhones with the fancy cameras. It looked like s—; it was shot vertical; the whole thing was very amateurish. Except for the performance, which was intense and believable and just right.”

Before Pascal knew it, he found himself in Belfast, sitting inside the Great Hall of the Red Keep as one of the judges at Tyrion Lannister’s trial for the murder of King Joffrey. “I was between Charles Dance and Lena Headey, with a view of the entire f—ing set,” Pascal says, his eyes wide and astonished still at the memory. “I couldn’t believe I didn’t have an uncomfortable costume on. You know, I got to sit — and with this view.” He sighs. “It strangely aligned itself with the kind of thinking I was developing as a child that, at that point, I was convinced was not happening.”

And then it all started to happen.

In early 2018, while Pascal was in Hawaii preparing to make the Netflix thriller “Triple Frontier” — opposite his old friend Isaac — he got a call from the film’s producer Charles Roven, who told him Patty Jenkins wanted to meet with him in London to discuss a role in another film Roven was producing, “Wonder Woman 1984.”

“It was a f—ing offer,” Pascal says in an incredulous whisper. “I wasn’t really grasping that Patty wanted to talk to me about a part that I was going to play, not a part that I needed to get. I wasn’t able to totally accept that.”

Pascal had actually shot a TV pilot with Jenkins that wasn’t picked up, made right before his life-changing run on “Game of Thrones” aired. “I got to work with Patty for three days or something and then thought I’d never see her again,” he says. “I didn’t even know she remembered me from that.”

She did. “I worked with him, so I knew him,” she says. “I didn’t need him to prove anything for me. I just loved the idea of him, and I thought he would be kind of unexpected, because he doesn’t scream ‘villain.'”

In Jenkins’ vision, Max Lord — a longstanding DC Comics rogue who shares a particularly tangled history with Wonder Woman — is a slick, self-styled tycoon with a knack for manipulation and an undercurrent of genuine pathos. It was the kind of larger-than-life character Pascal had never been asked to tackle before, so he did something equally unorthodox: He transformed his script into a kind of pop-art scrapbook, filled with blown-up photocopies of Max Lord from the comic books that Pascal then manipulated through his lens on the character.

Even the few pages Pascal flashes to me over Zoom are quite revealing. One, featuring Max sporting a power suit and a smarmy grin, has several burned-out holes, including through the character’s eye. Another page features Max surrounded by text bubbles into which Pascal has written, over and over and over again in itty-bitty lettering, “You are a f—ing piece of s—.”

“I felt like I had wake myself up again in a big way,” he says. “This was just a practical way of, like, instead of going home tired and putting Netflix on, [I would] actually deal with this physical thing, doodle and think about it and run it.”

Jenkins is so bullish on Pascal’s performance that she thinks it could explode his career in the same way her 2003 film “Monster” forever changed how the industry saw Charlize Theron. “I would never cast him as just the stoic, quiet guy,” Jenkins says. “I almost think he’s unrecognizable from ‘Narcos’ to ‘Wonder Woman.’ Wouldn’t even know that was the same guy. But I think that may change.”

When people can see “Wonder Woman 1984” remains caught in the chaos the pandemic has wreaked on the industry; both Pascal and Jenkins are hopeful the Dec. 25 release date will stick, but neither is terribly sure it will. Perhaps it’s because of that uncertainty, perhaps it’s because he’s spent his life on the outside of a dream he’s now suddenly living, but Pascal does not share Jenkins’ optimism that his experience making “Wonder Woman 1984” will open doors to more opportunities like it.

“It will never happen again,” Pascal says, once more in that incredulous whisper. “It felt so special.”

After all he’s done in a few short years, why wouldn’t Pascal think more roles like this are on his horizon?

“I don’t know!” he finally says with a playful — and pointed — howl. “I’m protecting myself psychologically! It’s just all too good to be true! How dare I!”

#pedro pascal #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #variety magazine

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lookingforhobi · 3 years

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♡ tour ♡

TOUR (Part Two)

Summary: It was just a tour with your friends to explore Seoul. But life gave you Namjoon. Yes, Kim Namjoon, the leader of a world-renowned group BTS.

Author’s Note: This is originally planned as ONE-SHOT but some comments were asking for it. Long overdue because life happens but here it is finally! Please don’t reupload or make YT content without my permission. This is purely imagination.

Click the link for the part one on my Youtube channel

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x reader

au/genre/warning: too much heartbreak; mentions of self-harm, mental health issues; pregnancy warning, unprotected sex; aggressive

Word Count: 12.9k

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Your hands are shaking as you shuffle through the set of keys to your new apartment. This has been the biggest leap of faith you ever did so far. Well, aside from your craziness and dating Kim Namjoon! But you try your best not to think of him and remember the promise you made yourself not to reconnect with him anymore. You are here because finally you’ve gotten the offer in the University to teach- a dream that happened before you started knowing Kim Namjoon better, not just as idol but the real Kim Namjoon. You sighed when you finally open the door and immediately shut it behind you. It feels different and home sickness starts to creep in. The last time to set foot to this country was with your friends, with the goal just exploring what the place has to offer, but Seoul gave you Joon. “Here you go again with Namjoon, Y/N,” you sighed to yourself. Sometimes you wish you are in different world, in parallel universe. Maybe there, things would’ve worked out. Or maybe in another life, you’d be in the same world and life would be better. “Suck it up!” you told yourself. You can’t live in what ifs and what not’s. You’re here, now. That is what matters.

You picked up your phone and dialled your Mom’s number. Living away from home, with no friends around, in a place where your what ifs are, are kind of tough. You swallowed hard when your mom picked up. She was supportive of your dreams, but when she learned you’re going to Seoul she got worried. She knew about you and Namjoon, though confused what is the real reason of the breakup, she knew you’re in for another heartbreak once your ways intersect again.

“My sunshine, how are you? How’s the apartment? How’s your flight? Have you eaten yet?” your mom worried as ever. “I’m good, Mom. Apartment’s nice, but I haven’t unpacked yet. I just got here. The flight? Urgh, I slept before the plane takes off so…” You laughed. “that’s good. Do you have food there? At least eat something before resting. You can unpack later" You smiled at her remarks, you’re going to miss her sweet nagging and the way she babysits you sometimes. “Mom, I’m a grown-up woman. A strong independent woman. Okay? Don’t worry. I got this handled like a queen!” you chuckled. “Like me,” she added. The call run for what it feels like forever, as you talk about your goals and schedules and anything, you started unpacking your stuff. Placing the family photos carefully and making sure your apartment feels like home one way or another. You smiled seeing your friends’ photos. It was the greatest adventure that winter. It was unexpected, the events were unplanned, it left a big impact of your life..and to think about it, it is one of the reasons you decided to pursue your dreams. Partly, Namjoon pushing and keeps on bugging you to, but mainly because this is where you dreamt of settling way long before you knew BTS exist. Your fascination to South Korea, the culture, tradition, and history of the place made you fall in love, added the amount of KDramas you grew up with- being Goong on top of the list because of the historic and cultural twist of that rom-com.

“Rom Com,” you laughed to yourself. The word that got Namjoon puzzled the first time you talked about favourites. He made a lot of funny poetic thing out of those words, clearly making a big deal of flexing his brainy ass! You smiled to the memories of your dating journey. But as soon as you realised, bitterness and sadness took over again. It has been 3 years since the breakup, and you can’t still take it out of your system. You blamed yourself for being a weakling, a coward. Overly dramatic and pathetic. Well, that is what other fans told you when they found out he’s dating someone. Great thing is BigHit got to intervene before people starts digging into HER that makes Namjoon’s heart flutter and inspired. Writing the song HER in record-breaking time. You can’t bear to hear it now without crying your eyes out for days. It teared you out completely, leading to issues that needs professional help. He didn’t know about that, of course you would never say it. You ended the relationship without further explanation. You dropped it like it doesn’t matter anyway. “It was just a fling.” That was what you said. But you know clearly it was not.

Of course, it’s hard dating an idol. The moment you stepped into the airport when you left after your Seoul getaway, you knew it won’t work. You cling on to the promise that he’d make time to visit you secretly, or make sure you can come to their concerts if your schedule permits. But as life gave you Namjoon in an unexpected time, fate decided to give you the bitter reality. He missed your calls, he forgot your birthday, he’d text once a month. You tried to understand all of that. He clearly has dreams to chase, and you can’t expect him to be with you-especially with their growing popularity. All the concerts, and pressure of producing new tracks, is too much for him…and you came along. Another added stress to what is already on his shoulders. He pleaded to make it work, but you knew it won’t. The biggest part-lack of human touch. You crave for it. You needed it. You needed to be reassured, and you consider touch as your love language. And it is very impossible for two people living miles apart. Heck, worlds apart! At first, you find ways. But virtually, is nothing compared to what you’ve shared back then. The amazing touch, sounds you never knew existed, his deep voice moaning your name… You shake your head once more. “Not gonna happen again. 3 years, Y/N. He moved on. You broke the poor man’s heart because you’re weak. So let him go. Let go!” you say that every day, like a mantra that keeps you going through the whole day.

You opened your SNS to check up on your friends and update them of everything. They are already planning of visiting you. Unlike with them, they did not break Yoongi and Jimin’s hearts. They made it clear after that triple date not to get involved emotionally. They knew better, you did not listen to them, hence they named you “the hard-headed, heart-breaker”. You love their honesty though, and the way they put up with all your drama and crying and making sure you’re attending therapies. It’s not that you’ve attempted to end your life though, you just didn’t find any more reasons to do the things you used to love. You started drifting away from everyone else, shutting doors even to your mom, your blank stares , and the forgotten ways to find happiness. They were the first to notice you drifting away from life. They initiated therapy sessions, made sure you were never alone but still maintaining your independence, and still respecting your privacy and preferences. They are your lifeline. And without them here, it is a tough journey. But you know, you were never alone really. You found your ways of dealing and living with it, you know the pre-warning signs. You grew stronger through it all.

By the end of the day, your apartment is tidied up, all your stuff are organised, and you felt yourself starving. You decided to have a walk around the neighbourhood, looking for essential spots around the area. You found your way towards one convenience store, and that is when it hits you. Looking straight ahead, his face is plastered everywhere- even on drinks! You wish you could just have amnesia and forget you ever met. If you could just start over, you would not let a strange man jumped into your taxi from the airport. You sighed as you try to ignore his grin from the coffee canister. You picked Hoseok instead. Their group has gotten huge that if you meet people from the outer space, they will certainly know about them, too. The idea made you smile, and as crazy as it sounds. But that what Namjoon has always manifested- their message transcends to everyone. Not just being popular but creating an impact that could change one or two lives. Yet he clearly cannot see how one group touched millions of people, and continue touching and attracting positivity to every homes. You are so proud of what they have become. Not that you have personal history together, but because before you’re HER, you’re an ARMY first. You look back to the moments when you have been struggling and how the group manage to lift you up. Ironically, the leader became one of the reasons for your confusion and heartaches for the last 3 years. If there’s an advice you can give to your younger self- DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH AN IDOL.

Weeks by, and little by little you get to adopt and create a system of how you’re going to survive this new beginning. You have also met some friends which are so lovely, even some from your country. Luckily, when Hallyu wave is the topic, you can manage to explain the true reason of you coming to South Korea- which is their rich cultures and amazing landscapes. You’ve also visited the places on your bucket list with the guide of your friends, particularly Felix. He has been very accommodating and welcoming and would give you amazing trivia about the places. You spend a lot of time together and sometimes he’d pick you up at work. He’s a nice guy, and you’re starting to like him but you know you’re not ready for anything yet. You made that clear the first time you talked about relationship, but not revealing the identity of the reason.

Days rolled to weeks, turned to months and before you know it it’s been almost a year since you’ve moved. You have been thriving and surviving, managing to build a wall between you and all BTS-related stuff. It has been quite a struggle because they are everywhere but you were able to filter the Namjoon you dated, pretend he’s a different guy from the BTS leader. Because from what you’ve learned, he is really different from RM. Namjoon is real, RM is just a tiny speck of Namjoon.

Fate must’ve been really bored one day you went to a coffee shop after work. It was an unexpected get together with your friends when a familiar face appeared. Your heart begins to race, you feel blood draining from your face, and you hold your breath. “Seems like you’ve seen a ghost” said Ligia. You can’t speak, you just stared at Manager Sejin and Namjoon entering the café. “You said you’re not into KPop?” asked Jenna. You can’t find answers, you can’t think. All you want is to bask in Namjoon’s ethereal presence. He still has that effect on you. The photos from everywhere is nothing compared to the actual Namjoon. Photographers don’t do justice no matter how they try. The man’s beyond aesthetic. His hair, that silver hair you always compliment…and did he hit the gym? He clearly did, his shoulders… his chest…oh that veiny arms who used to wrapped around your waist. That chest you used to sleep on. You’re longing for his touch…. You sit there staring at him, not minding all the questions and commotion from your friends. Not until…

“Y/N?” His voice, his heavenly voice, waking you up from your frozen state. “Oh my. You’re here? Here, here?” he walks towards you and all hell lose. You looked at your friends and strangers looking blankly at you two. Manager Sejin manages to warn anyone not to take photos, bodyguards started coming in. But you, everything seems to be moving slowly. “Ba---” he was about to say it, as if it’s the most natural thing to say. “Nam—Namjoon. H-hi" you finally found your voice, shaky and whispered, but still manageable. You didn’t know how but your friends seemed to be nowhere. It’s just you and Namjoon now, even Manager Sejin seems to have left. “Why? How? When?” he asked. Not sure how to answer, you just shook your head. “I’m sorry. I can’t, I… I don’t know how to explain.. not now, Joonie" you whispered. He smiled but you know he’s confused as well. You stood there for what it feels like eternity. You longed to touch him, you wish you could. But reality is creeping in. If you do it, it’ll ruin your Namjoon. It’ll ruin him and the guys. You cannot afford to do that. You kept your composure and bowed, attempting to walk away. Because any second, you’d burst crying and it’ll be no turning back. Your friends will start asking questions, social media will be filled of your photos, articles will be put up, heck Dispatch has its own ways of finding even your whole information. No, you must leave now!

“Can I at least call you?” he suddenly whispered. “I deserve answers, Y/N" he begged. You looked at him, he’s devastated as well. Was he struggling for the past years too? Trying hard to hide his true emotions, putting up a show for the whole world to know he’s doing great? You nodded. “Same info", you replied. “Thank you. It’s great to see you" he bowed, too formal, too stiff. He walked away first from the back door as Sejin walked past you. You bowed to both at them as they make their way out. When they’re gone, the store reopened but you chose to go home immediately leaving your friends with all their questions and worried looks.

You turned everything off- phone, SNS, laptop…anything that could connect you to the outside world. Right now, you just wanted to be alone. Soak in your own tears and begin hating yourself again. He was few feet away, so near…yet so far. You pinched yourself to make sure you can still feel anything except the emotional pain. Any pain, anything that could divert you from the thoughts of what if’s. “fuck it!” was all you can say while opening another bottle of beer. Sometimes you question how you get so lucky that Namjoon knows your existence. Yet cursed because every move means you could destroy him. “I just wanted a normal life! Date a normal guy! Hold his hand in public! Kiss him in front of the crowd!” You started shouting, over and over until you get exhausted. Curse.

You’re woken up by loud knocking. You checked the clock and it’s 4am, you only had 30 minutes of rest and whoever this is means it’s urgent by how heavy the knocks are. You remembered turning off all your connections, your friends must have been so worried. You peeked at the door, a tall guy’s silhouette stands there. “The fuck you want? Who are you??!!” you yelled. Beer breath coming out and you’re starting to get really dizzy. “open up Y/N" he whispered. “Namjoon? How the fuck did he managed to find me? You asked yourself. “Sorry, wrong house" you answered. “You can’t fool me. Let me in, please. It’s freezing" he begged. “Fuck Namjoon, it’s 4am what the hell are you thinking?” you asked him as you opened your door. You have enough beer in your system to act brave as you face the inevitable questioning. His scent was the first you caught. And God knows how much you missed that scent. 4 years since you’ve last smell that, and it brings back all memories. But now is not the time to think about those memories. “You’ve been drinking?” he has a hint of annoyance in his voice. You chuckled “duh!”. He sighed and sit himself down. “Why are you not answering?” now he seems concerned. “Disconnected outside world" you managed to reply as you tried your best to walk straight. “Jeez, Y/N! You’re wasted. This is not clearly the time" he remarked. “Yes, Kim Namjoon. This is not our time! There will never be our time!” you hissed in anger. He froze by your reply, hurt perhaps, and you started sobbing yet again. “In another lifetime, perhaps" you cried before everything turned black.

You woke up with the worst hangover headache. Everything feels heavy, and the sunlight is not helping at all. You groaned as you roll over your bed and noticed your clothes on the floor. Sudden gush of shock rush through your system as you try your hardest to recall the events from yesterday. NAMJOON! You immediately looked for signs of Kim Namjoon in your room. Aside from clothes on the floor, you’re also wearing new set of pyjamas. “Oh no no no no no no!” you prayed nothing happened between you. It will be a disaster, and you can’t let it ruin your lives again. You quickly run towards the kitchen and notice that the bottles of beer are now neatly packed by the kitchen counter, the living room tidy and not a single evidence of mess. “Joonie?” you asked. But no answer. You can’t be dreaming. No matter how drunk you were last night, you know he was here. He was, and the note on the table confirmed it.

Took the liberty to cook you breakfast. Also have medicines for headache. Lemonade on the fridge. Answer my messages/calls.

-NJ

You asked yourself how can he act as if nothing happened? Like you didn’t break his heart and tore him to pieces? Are you that irrelevant? Worth forgiving without even asking for one? How can he move on so easily? You did this, and your suffering for it but he acts cool and pretends to be okay. You pushed the food aside and went on to get the lemonade, which another note was attached.

Food first before medicine.

You rolled your eyes. And sighed as you open your phone. Messages came flooding through. From friends, your mom, voice mails, and notifications. But above everything, an unknown number with lots of missed call logs. You debated whether to call back that number, as if you don’t have a hint of who owned this number. Like on Cue, the number begins calling you. You were startled and almost dropped your phone. Your heart racing and skipping a beat at the same time.

“Hello?” you greeted.

“Finally!” Namjoon groaned.

“Why?” you asked plainly. “Nothing. Just making sure you’re up and eating.”

“Yes, I saw the notes. Thanks" you sighed. Then followed by silence.

“I have to go. But I'll call you again" he said, and ended the call.

What’s new? You mumbled to yourself. It was like that. It started with calls like that. He was always busy, you get it. You let him be, talk to you whenever he can. You never asked directly or demanded anything from him. His free time means writing new tracks, and talking to you at the same time. You were okay with it. His voice calms you down and brings comfort. He would send surprise gifts, too, with the help of Abi and Maigne.

You decided to call your friends.

“Whattt??? He went to your apartment? What was he thinking???” Maigne freaked out. “I don’t know, I didn’t get the chance to ask.” You answered. “Y/N! You didn’t…..did you?” Abi asked with questioning look. “No!.... I don’t know! I woke up with different set of clothes” you looked down, trying to recall everything but to no avail. “You…aiissshhh!!! I don’t know. How are you though?” Maigne asked, concern taking over. You shrugged because honestly, you don’t know. “Is there…is there any news? You know, SNS?” you waited patiently as both of them tried hard not to spill the tea. “Hmm. Nothing so far. Clear from dispatch. Comeback goals…, few buzzed about Namjoon and mystery girl at a coffee shop.. nothing much.” Abi said, as she scrolls absent-mindedly through her feeds. “Yeah, same", added Maigne. They were busy scrolling that they did not catch your reaction from the last statement. “Coffee shop". “What?” they asked in unison. “That was me" you swallow painfully. “Why would you leave that detail???” Maigne asked. “I was pre-occupied with him barging in my apartment. But yeah, that is how we met.” And you filled them with all the details you can remember. They are confused as well, and have different opinions on how to deal with Namjoon. “We’ll be filing our vacation leave soon. Hang in there, okay?” Abi reassured and you smiled as you ended the video call. You didn’t bother calling your Mom about Namjoon, she’ll just worry and you know she’s had enough of you getting your heartbreak.

You let go and ignored the urge to text him again. Besides, you learned that they’re preparing for their comeback. What you need to prepare is how to answer your new friends. Of course you can’t tell the truth. “I attended couple of album signing and other events for BTS. They have very sharp memories,” you lied. They didn’t bugged you again, as it has become a norm for the fans to attend public events. Days pass and you decided to focus on your work instead of basking around the idea of Namjoon, or reaching out to him. But then you receive a message from him:

Namjoon: Can we meet?

You: Outside? IDK Namjoon. It’s all over SNS

Namjoon: I’ll pick you up. The guys wanted to see you, too.

You: Is that even a good idea?

Namjoon: They missed you

You: Should we be talking first? I don’t want them to get the idea that I’m coming back

Namjoon: ok

You know it hurt him, just as much as it hurts you. But it is for the better. They might get the wrong impression of you coming back to Namjoon’s life just because you’re here now. They might protect you, they can protect you. They have been always supportive of you and Namjoon. But the main concern here is- will you be able to protect them especially Namjoon? You’ve put him in so much stress and heartbreak already, you can’t let that happen again as much as you missed him. His image is more important than anything. It’s the best you can do.

You: you can come here. We can talk here.

You were fixing your dinner when you heard someone knocking. You are not expecting anyone, except Namjoon. You furrowed your brows, it can’t be… But when you opened the door, it is him.

“Hi. Wasn’t expecting you. I thought we’d schedule or something,” you stuttered. “Oh, did I catch you in a bad time?” he hesitated. “No, no. I just thought you’re busy. Come in,” you try your best to calm your nerves. Seeing him here, miraculously you’re sober this time, makes you want to cling yourself around his arms. Feel him, touch him. It took all your might not to do that. “I’m preparing dinner. Do you wanna…join?” you can’t hide the awkwardness, but he smiled. The most reassuring smile. “Sure,” he attempts to stand up but you signalled him not to. It’s like you’re both testing waters, trying to hold back everything. “So, how are you?”, he asked while looking at the photos on the table. You scoffed “Surviving”. He nodded and smiled a little. “You?” you asked. “Album prep’s going on nicely.” “No, Joon. Namjoon. You.” You insisted. “I like it when you call me that. And yeah, I guess I am trying to survive, too” Then silence followed. You know it’s time to talk about what happened, but you don’t want to ruin dinner. Stalling, you’re good at it. Prolonging your agony perhaps but at least you’re buying a little more time to look at him. The man who was once you called home. “Dinner’s ready. Wine?” you want to kick yourself for offering alcohol when you want to talk about serious stuff. He nodded, showing his dimples. Your favourite…one of your favourite parts of him.

Dinner was fine but awkward. He tried to lighten up the mood by talking about the new album, the past concerts, the craziness of the guys, and how they get full schedule for the whole year. You are very proud of them, how they handle everything together all at once. “How are you, Y/N?” he suddenly asked. “I told you, surviving.” You replied. He nodded. “Listen..” you inhaled deeply. He sighed; he knows it’s THE TALK you’re going to have. “I’m sorry for bailing out.” You dropped your gaze on the floor, not wanting to see how devastated he is. “I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve... I should’ve fought harder. But I just couldn’t. I had to let go,” your tears begin to pool in your eyes. Your vision becomes blurry. He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. So, you continued, “You were the nicest guy- RM or Namjoon. And I just can’t be with you. I can’t ruin you, Joon. I won’t forgive myself if that happens. I can’t defend you. I can’t…” “please, stop” he sighed. “It’s not on you, Y/N. I was too busy I forgot about you, your needs. My promises” he sighed. “I knew it won’t work. But at least we tried?” you whispered, sobbing. “We did,” he whispered too, voice starts to crack.

Months past, you focused yourself and everything into work that you never had any chance of thinking about what happened during that night. It was all dramatic but freeing. You stopped questioning everything and decided to move forward instead of dwelling in the past. He is doing well, too. You started to follow them on SNS again, started watching their new MVs and interviews. You smile once in a while, and ironically, their new songs comfort you. You were back being ARMY. Whatever happened in the past is far behind your control and concern right now. Besides, you are an ARMY first. You also started going to the places you once visited with Namjoon. Your favourite place to unwind and de-stress is the restaurant near Han River where you went on a dinner date. It was awkward at first, memories came flushing. But every time you set foot, it becomes your comfort zone. Plus the view is really relaxing and heavenly. One hell night, you were rushing to get away from all the stress of work, you drive all the way there only to be told that the whole place is reserved for VIP visitors. To your dismay, you sighed and stayed outside for a little while. While you were about to go home, someone called your name. “Y/N? Is that you?” You turned around and you were immediately enveloped into his hug. “Oh my! It is you! Wow!” Jimin giggled. “Jimin! Hi. Um, what…you’re here?” you asked in panicked. “Yes, the boys are inside. Come!” he pulled you. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Chim.” You said shyly. “Oh don’t worry with Namjoon. He’s cool, he’s moved on. We know.” Your heart pains by his remark. “Yeah. But… I don’t know.” You hesitated. “Just drop and say hi then I’ll let you be. I promise. We just missed you having around.” He looked at you with puppy eyes, and who would not fall for that trick? Especially coming from sweet Jimin! You sighed and you let him lead you inside. “Look who I found outside!” Jimin screamed. They all looked at you, mouth wide open. You can’t bear look at them but you turned your gaze to Namjoon. “Y/N?” he stood up and walk towards you. “H-hi. I was about to go home. You guys enjoy the night.” You bowed to them and walk away, but Namjoon caught your arm. “No, no. Stay for a while. Join us. Right guys?” he asked them and they all nodded. You caught Yoongi’s eyes and he looks at you with angry look. You move your gaze to the floor, trying to contain your tears. “Yeah, Y/N. Join us” he said plainly. You know Namjoon felt the intensity of Yoongi’s words, too, but he shook it off. You smiled a little, unsure about Yoongi’s reaction. “So, Y/N. What have you been up to? Are you staying for good? Or you gonna run again?” he asked bitterly. “Hyung. Let’s not.. please drop it” Namjoon interrupted. The guys fell silent. You inhaled sharply, you were put in a hot seat, might as well give them what they want to hear. To hell with all the inhibitions and pretentions. “Look, I messed up, big time,” you started. “Y/N, we’re good. You don’t have to explain. We’ve already talked” he whispered. “No, Joon. We talked, but they didn’t hear me. They also need to know. What happened was not just between you and I. They were affected, too. I know.” You sighed. “I messed up. You’ve been so protective of me, of us. You did everything to keep my identity away from spying eyes. You protected me in a way I can’t protect you. I… I felt useless, I felt like a hindrance. I can’t come near you because I’m too afraid to be exposed. I can’t let myself ruin your career.” You swallowed hard before continuing.. “Namjoon went through a lot, I know how it feels because I got my heart broken too, you know. But you were there to console him, you have full schedule to at least help him get off his mind from me. I have nothing. I always had you to comfort me, but when it all happen, I can’t even listen to a single song nor can’t bear to say your name. You were my comfort, and I broke you. It’s selfish. I’m sorry. I will leave you be.” You started crying hard. Not giving a fuck of what you look like in front of everyone. You let your heart out, you’re

standing there vulnerable and looking pathetic but you don’t care anymore. You wanted to scream, you wanted to say you still care but you didn’t. You didn’t want to hurt them again especially Namjoon. “You know we are ready to risk everything just to see Namjoon happy again. He was doing well. Now, you’re here again? Why?” Yoongi asked without any emotions. “They offered me a job here. I know I should’ve rejected it. It’s dumb. But don’t worry, I will not get in your way.” You answered back. “That’s not what I meant, Y/N” Yoongi softens. He looked at you and to Namjoon. “Is there a tinge of hope when you accepted the offer, that Namjoon is part of why you accepted it?” he asked. You looked at Namjoon and started sobbing again. Because yes, you knew Seoul is home. You knew he was here. You didn’t expect nor look for him, but you let fate decide. You readied yourself of the possibility of bumping into him. Namjoon was about to hug you but you stepped back. “I can’t do this. Not again. I’m sorry” you bowed and run as fast as you could. Away from them. You opened up another wound, you did this. But you also felt relief for having the chance to explain to the guys why you did what you did. It’s for the best. Hopefully.

“So, since you’ve fully admitted to be an ARMY, can we please please please attend their concerts?”, begged Ligia when they announced the concert details few months after the storm within you had settled. “Concerts? You mean not just one day?” you asked bewildered. “YES! I’ve been saving up and finally getting enough money to go worldwide!!” she exclaimed proudly. You shook your head, “I don’t know. I have to look at my schedule first.” She screamed with excitement. “No promises!” you replied laughing. You fixed your schedule the next day you went to work, great thing concerts are scheduled during weekends. The ticket selling was nerve-wracking though! All your friends-ARMY or NOT, help you buy VIP tickets for both days. But Ligia seemed to be wanting more so with her constant nagging, you both applied for soundcheck for both days as well. And life gave you what you’ve wished for- both days with soundcheck privilege. “You’re one lucky, bitch!” she screamed when you told her you got them, unluckily for her she was not chosen. “Well, it was your idea!” you laughed, “I’ll sneak a photo or video for you” you tried to console her. “Namjoon,” she replied. All of a sudden, you gasp. “What??? I said I like Namjoon. Have photos or videos of him doing Bapsae please!” she begged. The memories of your first night came rushing on you. He was indeed great in that movement. You blushed as you tried to contain the giddy feeling taking over you. “Sure,” you managed to answer with cracking voice.

The day of the concert and you and Ligia were too excited and messy all at the same time. Her enthusiasm got over you as well as you both giggle with the posters you made and the outfit you’ve chosen for each other. You were planning something comfortable but Ligia won’t drop the lace and harness the boys were wearing during the previous concerts and concepts. “I’m not sure about this. We’ll be standing, screaming, dancing and crying in these tight outfits for 2 hours!” you screamed. “As long I catch Namjoon’s glimpse, I don’t fucking care!’” she screamed harder. Namjoon, looking at other girls with these outfit. Bitterness takes over. You sighed and let go. You’re not in any position to complain. He’s heavenly, and his dark gaze would turn anyone into feelings not known even to themselves. You shake your head to dismiss another thought of him. The que is outrageous as expected! But one thing that is amazing- ARMY strangers turn into friends the moment you’re in the que. They are all friendly and giddy and for a moment you know you’re part of something big, a family, a universe. And for what it feels like forever you are glad you’re alive in this lifetime witnessing history made by BTS. Ligia decided to come early even if she’s not part of the soundcheck, she wanted to meet all the ARMYs and started distributing gift and tokens to her new found family. You smiled and waved at her when it’s time to enter the soundcheck area. Adrenalin pumping all over your system, like it’s your first time seeing them. You smiled, trying to recall the happy memories you personally experience around the guys. One by one, the guys showed up. Hyping ARMYs and the crowd goes wild. You were screaming as well, and then he saw you. Out of all the crowd, his eyes dart on you. He looked at you from head to toe, and back to your face. You suddenly stopped and bit your lips. The boys were busy saying something to ARMY but here you are locking gaze with their leader. You saw him mouth WOW while looking at you- in a black tight leather mini skirt, mesh stockings. Red lace bralette topped with black leather jacket, choker and harness all over your body. You were cursing Ligia for making you wear such outfit but seeing Namjoon’s reaction made you feel glad. He liked it, clearly. Then Hoseok went to him and bumped him, signalling they’re about to start the soundcheck. Hoseok saw you as well and waved at you with wide eyes and silly smile. Only then you heard ARMYs screaming and you’re taken back to your senses. You pinched yourself and tried not to be too obvious with what’s happening in your body every time Namjoon looks at you. He’s sending butterflies, making your heart beat faster, taking your breath away. You remembered your promise to Ligia and took the risk of getting your phone out. It is prohibited though, but you don’t care anymore. You’re doing this not just for Ligia but for memories of what is happening to you, to him, right here. Like he knows what you are doing he went near to your area, winked sending all the ARMY screaming. Then for a moment, they rested and talked. Hoseok laughed and looked at you and all the members nodded. Jimin went to talk to the producers and Yoongi talked, “Okay this is not in the setlist but guess what?” and on cue, Bapsae played! “Shit” was all you can say as they disperse taking their own places in the stage. And a tease as he is, he chose in front of you. Your eyes widened and he showed his smirk, and you swore as you almost dropped your phone. He was at it- hard and wild. Making you sweat, swallow, squirm and trying to compose yourself. You reminded yourself once again of the reasons why you both decided to stop trying. You were fine, but damn Namjoon teasing you like this. You can feel the heat on your cheeks as he dances in front of you, locking gaze subtlety. He’s enjoying this, and whatever it is you are teasing him as well biting your lips and parting them with a sigh. He laughed and shook his head when the song ended. “WOOOOOOWWW! Amazing! See you later ARMYs!!!” screamed Jungkook. And that marks the

end of soundcheck. Before they went back, he glanced at you one more. You smiled.

You were out and showing the video to Ligia when suddenly you received a text. You quickly grabbed your phone away from her just in time the pop-up notification shows.

Namjoon: Wow. Lace and leather huh?

You: Ligia made me wear it.

Namjoon: Suits you well, Y/N.

You: Stop. I’m not going for the soundcheck tomorrow anymore!

Namjoon: you got 2 days? Just my luck

You: Rest.

Namjoon: See you later.

You furrowed your brows to his last reply but dismissed it anyway. “Who was that? You’re blushing!”, exclaimed Ligia. “No one.” You quickly deleted the messages and hand her your phone, “You want to finish the video or what?” She giddily takes it and melts in her own world.

After the concert, you felt as if you’re drained. Every time a concert ends, it’s like it brings you to a state of separation anxiety where you don’t know what else to do except re-live every moment. It goes like that all the time. You hang in there till the next time you get to hype with them, and longing starts to creep in. They were beyond amazing tonight, setting standards for concerts to the highest. Ligia was so happy and can’t stop talking about them, now confused more than ever between who her real bias is. “So, who’s your bias? I was too focused and I lost count how many times I swerve lanes tonight!” she exclaimed on your way to your apartment. “I don’t have one,” you answered honestly. “They all hit you in different ways, you know? So I threw that bias list and hype up to whoever that gives me the most feels in different situations.” She nodded. “So glad I was able to see them live. We’re lucky” she remarked. Yes, you are. And to your luck, you noticed a car parked outside your building. Great thing Ligia lives on the other building so you went separate ways. “See you tomorrow! And be sure to wear the outfit we’ve chosen or else..!” she bids as she runs to her building. Your eyes started to linger on the car parked. You don’t want to get your hopes up but who would park there with an unreleased Hyundai Palisade?

You dismissed the thought and continue walking towards your door.

Namjoon: 2 minutes

You ignored the message and decided to reply later as you settled in your couch to rest. But your rest was disturbed at exactly 2 minutes. When you opened the door, Namjoon entered quickly, looking back if someone saw him. “Shit, took you so long to go home,” he remarked. “Are you insane? Why are you here, Namjoon! Fuck, there are people outside! You’re trying to get Dispatch expose you, huh?” He laughed and sighed, basking in the sight of you and your concert outfit. Suddenly you became aware of what you have done to him. “No. Hey, this is fun. But Namjoon, we talked about this.” You tried to calm yourself but your voice is failing you, cracking because of how intense he looks at you. “Why did you go to the concert?” he asked. “I’m an ARMY and I missed seeing you perform.” He chuckled. “I- I mean all of you. Pft, not you alone! You know.. you and the boys, and..” you are shaking under his gaze. “Yeah, and why dressed like that? You know you’re attending soundcheck and it’s not crowded” he whispered. You swear his low, dark voice, would be your death. “Ligia’s fault.” “Hmm” he replied and walk closer to you. You tried to walk back, you really need to walk away. This is going to be messy and you made mental note of how this would ruin you and his career. You know better, you have to. But your body froze, your heart beats fast, your breath shallow in anticipation. The butterflies went swirling and your heart just keeps on failing you. You blame your hormones for being too wild tonight, for letting it take over the moment your eyes lock during soundcheck. The intense gaze while dancing, the memories of you having wild sex that winter. The urge, painful urge of longing for his touch. The feelings are all too overwhelming. He feels it, too. That is why he is here, risking everything just to see you. It’s not lust, it’s not just mere body craving. It’s the longing you both have been trying to contain. You both tried ignoring it when he went for closure. You know how much he strained himself not to touch you, kiss you. But tonight, all of the what if’s and risks are slowly fading. You crave for him. God knows how much you miss caressing his silky hair, kissing his soft velvety lips, playfully poking his dimples. Seems like he can read your mind, he sighed. “Y/N,” he whispered and touch his forehead to yours. “what are you doing to me?” “Joonie, I think…” you can’t finish your sentence. You just want to grab him and kiss him like it’s your last day on earth. “Baby, I want you back” he whispered, longing voice, almost begging. “I need you, Y/N. I need my yellow. When you left, I struggled a lot. I am good at hiding, but this time, seeing you here. I am willing to take the risk. Please, come back” he hugged you tight you can feel his heart beating fast. “Namjoon, we’ve talked about this. It’s a big risk for you and the whole group” you cannot deny the fact that you wanted him, too. You wanted him and willing to do whatever it takes, but what if you ruin his image? The group worked hard to where they are now. You can’t just take it away from them just because you are deeply in love with their leader. “We are all adults, we are humans. We are not perfect just as the society wants us to be. We need love, too” he whispered. You melted, like a butter your heart melts away. Who are you to deprive the love Namjoon deserves? Who are you to take his yellow away? You are coward, and you’re making him look pathetic to be begging for you. “Baby, I want to. You know how much I love you. But what if…” he didn’t let you finish. You admitted that you’re still in love with him through these years is enough for him. He slowly dip his face towards you, inch by inch you can clearly see him brightening, gaining his own beam of light. He loves you, you love him.

Whatever it takes, you throw all your worries away. You kissed him. You let your love and adoration to Kim Namjoon take over. The kiss was surprisingly slow, no rush despite the years of being apart. You take it all in, passion and pure ecstasy. His lips as soft as ever, his hands caress your back delicately as if afraid this is not real. It’s like your hand has a mind of its own, you caress his soft silver hair. His hands travels from your back to your waist and before you know it, he’s carrying you to the couch. You sit on his lap, aware of all that is happening inside his trousers and the heat building up between you. You need to feel him, you want him so bad you deepened the kiss. His tongue gently asking for permission, and you let him in. Soft moans and gasps are all you can hear in the silent living room. Before you could go any further, you break it. “Why?” he whispered. “You still have concert for tomorrow, Baby. And as much as I want you to spend the night here, I do. God, I really do. But I want to-“ “Let’s take things slow” he finished. He smiled sincerely and kiss you again, more passionate than ever. You nodded and he pulled you into a tight hug. “Oh how much I miss you, Y/N. I don’t want to let go.” He chuckled. “Me, too. So much that it hurts. But for now, you are RM. And as RM, you have to be at your 101% tomorrow. Today, you’ve been so rough and full of energy. I don’t want to have that energy all to myself tonight.” You teased. “But what about your outfit? I wanna ruin it, rip it off. Replace that choker with my hands” he whispered. “I love that. But not today” you teased back. He grunted but brings you into a tight hug. “So this means, you’re mine. Right?” he asked. “Silly! I am always yours, Kim Namjoon. Always.” You kissed him once more, savouring the feeling of being enveloped into the arms of your man once more. You were enjoying the comfiest hug when his phone buzzed. He answered but still holding you close. “Yes. I’m here at Y/N’s apartment. Shut up! No, I’m going back later. Let me fucking enjoy my girlfriend, Hoseok! STOP CALLING ME!” he laughed as he ended the call. “What was that?” you asked. “He keeps on asking if I’m coming home tonight or if I want to meet them at the stadium tomorrow instead” he chuckled. “Hoseok and his cuteness!” you giggled. “They missed you, you know. They saw you today, and they keep on bugging me to bring you there” he looked at you, asking for permission. “I missed them, too. But we’ll work it out. After what happened to Yoongi, I don’t know if I’m even welcome anymore,” you admitted. “Hey. Babe, it’s fine. When you left that night, we had discussions. They fully understand now. He even asked about you today. He saw you, too” he explained. “And…?” you bit your lips, bracing for a heart-break. “He wants to make up. So please come with me after the concert tomorrow?” he showed his dimples, acting cutely. “What if someone sees me?” you are worried and questions are starting to pile up again. “We got it covered, just like the old times. Besides, we’re adults. We’re all going to date one day, it just so happens that I got you first” he chuckled. You rolled your eyes on him, setting your head on his broad chest. “You’ve gotten big” you teased. “Wait till I show you. Now?” he whispered. “Not today” you laughed.

Your next concert outfit was the complete opposite of yesterday. You choose to wear BT21 pyjamas, complete with headband and other accessories. Since Ligia is wearing Koya, you chose to wear Chimmy. When Namjoon saw you at the soundcheck, he can’t stop laughing and even pointed it to Jimin, to which he almost rolls on the floor with too much laughing. It was fun seeing them doing the things they love, and seeing Namjoon so happy today. Others also noticed it by the amount of SNS updates of how he was looking so fine today and his dimples deeper than ever. To your surprise, they change some of the song line up for day 2. They added Outro: Her. You have mixed emotions over that song. The song he has written for you in under 20 minutes. You were on the phone then, and suddenly he interrupted you. “Wait, baby. I have something… stay on the line” The next thing you know, he was singing. His vocals that soothe you, and the sweet humming while he tries to put it all together. When it was complete, he let you hear it. “You’re the first to hear this demo. My HER” he said excitedly. “Also, your tear?” you asked sweetly. He chuckled, “yeah, my start and end”.

And now, hearing it after the breakup and now reconciliation, it hits you. All to different places but most importantly in your heart. He is so sincere and innocent and pure, and your heart swells with pride. Kim Namjoon, the philosopher, all yours. You look at him while he’s singing on the stage and it seems like he’s looking for someone- YOU. You were in barricade, so you are very near the stage. You screamed so loud even Ligia was startled. “KIM NAMJOON! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU!” And just like that, he saw you. He beamed and went to you, continue singing. To others, it may seem normal as the boys usually do that-even to the point of taking videos of themselves using ARMYs phone. But to you, it’s different, it is special. He sit, looking at you while singing. You stood there, calmly crying while Ligia’s looking at you then Namjoon then back to you, while her eyes wide open and mouth dropping. It hits her. She knew. But you don’t care anymore. You only cared about Namjoon. Your universe. When the song ended, they did their ending spiel. One by one they thank ARMY for two amazing nights and promising to see ARMYs again. They are set for world tour and you brace yourself for another rollercoaster ride.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” Ligia shouted after the concert ended. “What was what?” you pretended to know nothing. “The fuck! Tell me the truth! How’d you know Namjoon? First the coffee shop, then random texts, and now HER?” Ligia interrogated. “You have to stop reading fanfictions! Jeez!” you tried to shake it off by laughing at her reaction. “Oh don’t give me that shit, Y/N! Truth, now” she demanded. “Look, I am so tired. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” you smiled reassuringly. “You were flirting with him on the stage! And..” she gasp. “What?” You look at where Ligia is looking. “Babe,” Namjoon called you, walking towards you. “What is happening. I’m going to pass out! You… he..” she can’t finish her sentence. “What in the world, Namjoon?” you scolded him in front of your frozen friend. “It’s taking too long. I had to steal you away from…?” Namjoon looked at Ligia. “L-Ligia” she answered like she’s under a spell. “That’s enough drooling over my man, Ligia” you jokingly warned. “What the fuck, you traitor! He’s my bias!” she said jokingly but internally screaming. “What about you two get in the car before dispatch comes here?” Namjoon whispered. You pulled Ligia with you, who is clearly still in shocked. You were both greeted by the security, no other BTS members. They must have been too tired or having after party. “Where to?” asked one bodyguard. “The restaurant near Han River please” Namjoon replied, enveloping you into tight hug and kissing you on your forehead. Ligia shriek by Namjoon’s gesture. “So.. you two? If you don’t mind me asking?” interrogated Ligia. The security answered, “All information about personal life of BTS members must be kept in private. Should there be breached with the member’s personal life, please know that you are held liable and may be called to address in the court.” “Holy shit. That strict huh?” Ligia replied. You and Namjoon chuckled, and the body guard cleared his throat. “You’re in this mess, girl. Sorry” you laughed. “I still have a lot of questions though” she insisted. You shook your head and smiled. “Shit, I should’ve went straight to my apartment!” she sighed. “I trust you. But by this time, Bighit might have your information. Shhh. So” you joked around. “For fucking real? I don’t want my visa to be revoked over this relationship.” She laughed. “We’re kidding. And yes, Y/N is my girlfriend” Namjoon answered. “Lucky you! I might start crying now” she replied, literally teary-eyed. “Hey, I’m not gonna take your bias-RM, away. Kim Namjoon is mine, RM is for all ARMY” you replied. He tightened his hug around you, “I think I’m the lucky one.” He kissed you in the forehead once again.

The dinner went well, with Ligia talking and asking about how cool being the biggest boy band right now, the groups plan for the future, and keeps praising them and thanking them for all the music and inspiration they give to everyone. Namjoon feeds her with details about the preparation from the concerts while subtly keeping his hands tightly wrapped around your waist. He doesn’t want to be rude but you know he wants to rest now. When Ligia run out of things to say, she finally retreats. “so, how am I going home now?” she chuckled. “We’ll drop you off your apartment.” Replied the bodyguard. “What about you, Y/N?” she asked. “Oh she’s coming with me.” Namjoon replied casually. Her eyes wide and smirked, “oh..” You shake your head with her reaction. “Seems like you both are ready to bed, wearing pyjamas at concerts.” Namjoon chuckled.

After dropping Ligia, you went to your apartment to get some stuff. You decided to visit the boys and celebrate with them before they go to intense rehearsals for their upcoming world tour. They’re going to the US for couple of months and you have decided to stay rather than go with them, besides work needs you here and you haven’t had time to file your leave. You’re okay with it. You have manage more than a year without seeing each other, what is months compared to it. At least now, you know he’s just literally around the corner when they’re back home.

The boys greeted you one by one. They are as welcoming as ever, and unlike the previous encounter at the restaurant, Yoongi came in hugging you and ruffling your hair. “Welcome home, Y/N” he said. “Oh Yoongi, I missed you. Sorry about-“ he didn’t let you finish. “Let’s forget about it. It’s done. We’ll start anew!” He pulled you in and you settled beside Namjoon as they set up their table for after party. “Oh shit, we have VLive schedule! We promised ARMY!” reminded Jin. “Oh okay, no worries. I’ll leave you guys alone. Will just roam around Namjoon’s room” you said goodbye to them and settle in his room, opening your Vlive as if you’re not in the same house with them. When they started the live feed, you noticed your bag near Namjoon. “Shit!!! ARMY eyes!” you immediately texted him informing about the bag. He stood up and clumsily took your bag away. Comments came rushing on VLive asking about the bag and Jin trying to find a perfect excuse. “I am fond of bags” Hoseok saved him. “You want to see what’s inside my bag? Maybe I’ll do that on the next VLive.” He added. Namjoon came running inside, giving you your bag. “I’m sorry” you lowered your gaze. “Hey, it’s all good, Baby. Just an excuse to kiss you, I’ve been dying to kiss you!” He kissed you passionately until you hear the boys shouting for Namjoon. He immediately ran out, hair dishevelled and Taehyung almost choke laughing. “Hyung, your hair. A mess! You must’ve-” the boys cut him out and he realized he almost spilled the tea. They all laughed and being silly talking about everything they love about ARMY, the concert, and how excited they are for the upcoming world tour. They promised to go on live during their breaks and will go home as soon as it’s over. “We know you will be waiting for us, we will come back as soon as possible!” Namjoon promised. “In an instant, yeah hyung?” teased Taehyung once more, sending Namjoon blushing, and his eyes nowhere to be found. “Gosh, these guys” you laughed.

After the VLive ended, you went out and joined them to their after-party. He couldn’t take his hands off of you, drawing circles on your lower back. They are already getting drunk- Hoseok turning into tomato red, Seokjin louder than ever, Yoongi being savage but turns out he is really funny, Jimin can’t barely open his eyes from too much laughing, Jungkook dozing off, Taehyung started to sing every song on their new album, and your man whispering how excited he is to be finally introducing you to his family. You almost choke at his plan. Meeting his family is a big deal especially in their culture. You can’t just bring someone without being sure of your future with her. “You’re probably just drunk. Come on, let’s go!” you tried to pull him up but his stronger. He pulled you on his lap and start kissing you. “So this is what were witnessing every day?” Taehyung remarked. “Hmm mmm” Namjoon replied, mouth still exploring yours. “AISSHHH! Get a room!” Yoongi shouted. “That’s hot!” remarked Hoseok. “Oh my god! Stop! I’m getting turned on!” joked Jimin. You laughed and tried to push Namjoon away but he deepened the kiss. “Show off! Just clean up after your mess. Not a single drop in the our common area!” Seokjin exclaimed. “Baby-stop” you managed to finally free yourself from Namjoon. He laughed and you can now clearly see the expressions of the members. They have their phone on both of you, probably taking photos and videos for blackmailing. “Stop it, you guys!” you said embarrassed. You covered your face and they all laughed. “We’re just happy you are finally here, Y/N. Really. Namjoon’s glowing again. And he’s writing tracks more than ever” Hoseok commented. “I’m never leaving. I’m here to stay” you reassured them. “You’re gonna live here? Great! But I’m serious about the rule- if you’re going to do it in all common areas, please clean up” Seokjin commented. “No! Just learn how to knock in my room and even my studio, especially you Jimin and Jungkook” Namjoon replied. They both nodded, and the night ended with more laughter and more beer.

You woke up with a very bad headache and it took you minutes to make up where you are. Too many KAWS figures, bonsai plants, paintings… “Namjoon?” you immediately called out his name but he’s nowhere to be found. You went out and the boys greeted you, the living room smells like pancake and the maknaes running around chasing after the last banana milk that Jimin is holding. “Where’s Joonie?” you asked Jin while helping him prepare the table for breakfast. “RKive I think” he replied. You went there and smile at the sight of your man. Brows furrowed, lips plumped, he’s clearly in the zone of making another track he didn’t even noticed you walked in. “Baby, do you want to have your breakfast here?” you politely asked, trying not to disturbed him. “Oh, sorry I didn’t notice you, babe. Good morning, sunshine!” he enveloped you into tight hug and kissed your forehead. “What are you up to?” you asked, noticing the emptied coffee cups on his desk. “Working on new tracks. There are so much to do, I don’t want to miss the ideas that came rushing this morning” he pulled you into his lap and wrapped your arms around your waist. “Breakfast first, please? I don’t want you get sick especially you’re going away” you pouted. “Hmm, what about dessert first?” he whispered. You furrowed your brows, not sure if you have the same meaning of dessert. “What dessert?” you innocently asked. He pointed at his groin, which you notice a big tent. “Oh, need help with that?” you replied playfully. He winked and in an instant you pulled yourself up from his lap, turned his chair around and dropped on your knees. “Fuck,” he chuckled while quickly letting his fleece shorts drop. You are still amaze by the sight of Namjoon’s huge dick despite having to ride it many times before. The years without him, you haven’t forgot this amazing view and you’d relive it a million times. But right here, right now, you can’t help but be thankful of following your heart rather than living in what if’s. “Are you just gonna stare at it?” he chuckled. “You’re a god.” You managed to reply before slowly running your tongue along his shaft. You could hear his deep moans. He grabbed your hair to have better view of how you beautifully you suck his dick. You take it all in, tasting his sweet-salty precum. You circled you tongue on his tip, gently running from side to side, trying your best to please your man. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re so fucking hot!” he managed to say in between his gripped teeth. Jaw clenching, and clearly trying not to go deeper to hurt you, you gathered all the courage and deep swallowed him whole until you can feel it at the back of your throat. His eyes were wide and he tightened his grip on your head “Shit baby! You’ve been a practicing?” he has a tinge of annoyance in his voice. You’re taken back to that night when you first had sex, it was still new to you. “hmm” you replied, sending the vibrations to every inch of his thick manhood. You let go for a second to catch your breath. “No, sir. It was you, only you!” And that’s the truth. No matter how intense your longing for him or any human touch, you’ve never bed a guy even after your break up. You can’t think of sucking other dicks except Namjoon’s. “Such a good girl,” he managed to reply before you started sucking him again. Namjoon’s moan is all you can ever hear in his studio and you start bobbing your head faster, determined to make him cum in your mouth. “Shit baby. I’m cumming… fuck.. Y/N ahh” he filled your mouth with his warm, heavenly juice. You looked at him and swallowed, making sure no drip on the carpet. You suck him clean! “Fuck that is so freaking hot!” he exclaimed while guiding you back to his lap. “Your turn, baby” he whispered. You bit your lips and gently shook your head. “What? Why? I want to make you feel good.” He pleaded. “Tonight, my love. You have full access” you teased and bit his earlobe. He groaned and laughed, pulling you closer to him.

You went out after Jin keeps on knocking, telling the food is getting cold. They were all shocked and started laughing when you emerge. “What the hell are you laughing at?” Namjoon answered. “You realized your door was not closed yeah?” Hoseok exclaimed, chuckling. You buried your self in Namjoon’s back in embarrassment, prayed that a UFO is real and that they’ll suck you up any second now. “Shit sorry” chuckled Namjoon. “Pft, it’s alright. It’s not like Hoseok has been silent during sex, too” Taehyung respond. “Hoseok?” you looked at his innocent smile. “Shut up, Taehyung. It was a one-night stand!” he yelled back laughing. You shake your head over their mischievousness, somewhat it comforts you. They are adults, indeed. And they need skin ship, too, like everyone else. Sometimes, seeing them playfully talk about adult stuff and just being their own selves inside their house makes me feel like they have another persona. Being an idol must’ve been tiring, especially they started too young, and society has been very keen to each move they make. You settled down and joined them for breakfast, thinking about how lucky you are to be spending these days with them.

World tour preparation was tiring, even for you. You decided to go home that night but Namjoon asked you to come back. “I really wanted to make up to you, spend the days here before we go for the tour. Please, baby?” he whispered with his cute little puppy eyes. You can’t help but say yes to his cuteness. He giggled like a playful kid before calling the security to drive you up in your apartment and pick few clothes and stuff. On your way back, you decided to buy the boys some ice cream cake and banana milk. It’s a small gesture as a thank you gift for welcoming you again in their home and being so supportive of you and Namjoon. Jimin yelp in joy when he saw the ice cream cake, and Jungkook immediately take the banana milk, carefully labelling each for the members. Jin continues to impress you with his cooking skills, making you feel embarrass for not cooking deliciously as he does. “Aish, Y/N! You will learn through the years. Even if you and Namjoon get married, you will still be with us so I can teach you all the cooking skills!” he said proudly. You blushed at the thought of you and Namjoon and marriage, but it’s too early to tell. You’re still starting over, testing waters,, though you are quite sure you can see him in your future. You noticed him missing again, while the guys are gathered up for a movie marathon. And then suddenly, Vlive notified you that BTS is live. You opened the notification and you see him showing off his new collections in his studio. You smiled proudly as he talks about the future plans of BTS and the new tracks he’s working on. Somewhere though, in the middle of his VLive he showed a pair of baby shoes. He said it’s for his collection, accessory of some sort. The tiny brown baby shoes! “Wooopppss, someone’s planning for the future.” Laughed Taehyung. “Oh my, you’re pregnant Y/N????” asked Jimin. “NO! no no no no no! Oh my god no!” you said blushing. “You can tell us. Are we going to be fathers?” insisted Hoseok. “No….I don’t know. No!” you said laughing. It is impossible, you haven’t had sex yet. But of course, you can’t say that to them, a little privacy is precious especially living with them. You immediately sent him a message:

You: Kim Namjoon, are you out of your fucking mind? The boys are grilling me now asking if THEY ARE GOING TO BE FATHERS?! WTH does that even mean?

You saw him on Vlive reading something and he laughed. You are not sure if he’s reading vlive comments or he’s reading your message. Either way, you have forgiven him for such silliness, especially seeing him how he brightens up when he showed the baby shoes. One day, someday, Joonie you promised yourself. When the VLive ended, you stared at him trying to look mad. He laughed and scooped you from your sit, twirling you around before sitting and putting you on his lap. You saw Taehyung grinning as if thinking of mischievous things. “So, baby shoes huh?” he started. “Taehyung, stop. I am not pregnant” you laughed. “Well, not for now.” He replied making you shake your head. “When that time comes, we will let you know, Tae” Namjoon reassured, “But for now, Y/N are going to bed. Might as well you guys too. Long day ahead tomorrow. Meeting with Bang PDnim and the tour team.” He added. The guys all had mischievous smiles as they say their goodnights to you.

“Urgh today’s tiring, and I missed you!” he whined. “I was just out to get my stuff, you missed me already? What will happen to you when you’re in tour?” you asked. “Come with me?” His question came as a surprise. “Baby you know I can’t do that. People will start to wonder.”

“But what if Bighit hires you?” he insisted. “As what? Translator? You already know English. You’ve been doing it since then.” You laughed at the idea of being their translator. “No, no, baby. You’re needed. I’ll talk to Bang and-“you didn’t let him finish. You put one finger on his mouth to make him drop the topic. “Baby, I’m okay with my work now. And if you ask Bang PDnim, he might refuse. Code of conduct, all the policies..you know.” You sighed. “But you’re my girlfriend before they hire you, so technically we didn’t breach employee policies?” His being a smart-ass on this one, he has a point though. “I would love to stay by your side all the time, but it will look like a huge favour and special treatment especially I am your girlfriend” you insisted. “Just please try?” he kissed your forehead. He’s not going to drop this of until you sighed and nodded. He smiled sweetly and kissed you. It was a sweet, passionate kiss at first but the moment you hold unto his neck, you can feel the heat throughout your body. It’s been too long, way too long, that you’ve been wanting to feel him. You cannot hold on any longer so you deepened the kiss. You heard him let out a moan, a cue that he wants what you want as well. Tongues teasing, lip-biting. His hands roamed around your body, tightened his grip on your waist and gently laid you on the bed. “Lock the door!” you reminded him. He jumped as quickly, almost tripping which made you giggle at his clumsiness, and in less than 5 seconds he’s back on top of you. “Oh finally! All mine!” he whispered, almost ripping his shirt as he struggled to get off. You can feel your core getting hot, with every kiss and touch. He bites your lips teasingly, making you moan. You deepened the kiss getting as aggressive as he is. He found your sweet spot on your neck, sucking and biting, leaving marks as he goes down to the curves of your breast. He removes your dress in one swift motion, leaving you in your lace bra and panties. His gaze turning dark as he roams his eyes through your breast down to your core. “So fucking gorgeous! And all mine!” he whispered as he licks your cleavage making you tighten your grip on his hair. “and fucking taste good, too" he added. You prepared for this night, wearing a front-lock red brassiere that screams fuck me daddy. “Strip for me", he commanded. “Hmm, all bossy are we?” you teased. “Do it or you’re not gonna have any of this" he grinned while removing his boxers. His dick hard, reddish, and ready. You bit your lips and stood up. “Don’t make a move, don’t dare touch yourself “ you commanded. Two can play this game, you thought. He grinned and positioned himself on the bed frame. You slowly pull one strap, so slow he groaned. You are basically eye-fucking him, if there’s even a thing. To his surprise, you started slow dancing as you unlock your bra. Throwing it in front of him. You can hear him groaning and trying hard not to touch himself with your own little show. “Fuck, baby. I can’t wait to slide my cock on that” he growled. “hmmm I’d love that. Can’t wait to feel the friction here…” you touched your nipples and slowly caress your breast. You glide your hands on your stomach, “and here, too. Your hot mouth sucking, biting…” You slowly, soooo slowly, shake your hips to get out of your lace underwear, “your tongue, fingers, and your hard cock here" you were about to touch your self but he grabbed you, spinning you around, dropping you on the mattress. You moaned by his aggressiveness and eagerness. “Oh Baby, can’t wait to fuck you hard, you’ll be sore for days!” he whispered as he playfully bite your nipple. “oh shit, Joon!” you moaned. You can feel your core dripping. You needed some friction. You started grinding getting ready to take whatever Namjoon’s going to offer. “Look at you so needy" he suck your breast so hard you know it’ll leave marks and bruises the next day. You tried pulling him, scratching his porcelain skin. “Baby, pleasssee" you beg. “Say it. What do you want, Princess?” he grinned. “touch me! Fuck Namjoon. Or…or thighs! Friction. Now!” you

almost scream. He chuckled and pulled you, making you sit on one of his thigh. “You asked for thigh. Thigh is all you get" You take it, whatever that could satisfy your longing. You grind, not minding the mess and juice scattered on his precious well-tone thigh. “fuck, I can feel your wetness! You’re wild!” he chuckled. “shut up, suck me" you guided his head on your neck. You want him to leave marks all over your body, a mark that signs you’re his and he’s yours. And he did. You moaned by the intensity of each bite, but it’s not enough. “fuck me, baby. Hard" You’re almost begging. “thought you’d never ask" he replied.

He guides you and you slowly sink into his long, thick, hot rod. Your wetness helping you both settle, adjusting to each other. “shit your tight. And wet..god Y/N” he moaned. With each grunt and moan and sucking he does, it gives you more courage to be rough at him, too. You started circling your hips, and he let’s you do as you please. He tightens his grips into your waist and pumps you until you both find your rhythm. “baby, I'm cumming" you bite his shoulder to muffle your own moan. “Go ahead, baby. Cum for me. You’re a hot mess and fuck I love you so much!” he continued going deeper and deeper until you reach your high. “Turn around, hold here" he guides your hands to the bed frame and lifts your butt, slapping it before sinking in real deep. “fuck Namjoon!” you yelped with the sudden sting, but it feels you nice you have to ask again. He circled his hips, hard and deep, one hand on your waist and the other in your boob. Too much sensation, overwhelming and with every thrust you can hear the bed frame creaking. You had to try not to scream with each thrust, so you suck on Namjoon's finger instead, biting it at the process but he didn’t care. He’s too focus riding you and making sure you hear his praises about you and moaning your name. “baby, where do you---" you didn’t let him finish his question, you tightened your walls around him making him moan louder “inside!” you replied. You reach your high at the same time, moaning each other’s name. He gently pressed and massage your navel as you come to stop, making you feel good as you both calm down. “Wow baby!” he chuckled as you both collapse to the bed. He flips you over and kissed your forehead, then your lips. As sweetly, passionately, and heavenly. “I love you, Y/N” he whispered on your lips. “I love you, my Namjoon" you replied, making him blush.

“I missed fucking you that hard,” he chuckled, as you both catch your breaths. “We have all the time, baby!” you responded, enveloped in his arms. “But… how are we going to explain the ripped sheets?” you added. “We might need to stock up linens here from now on,” he replied.

After cleaning up, he went out to look for fresh linens. Luckily, the guys are all asleep now, more like you prayed they’re really asleep now, realizing how hard and loud he made you cum. “Baby, please consider joining us in our tour? Even just this leg? I can’t bear a day without you..not again?” he whispered when you’re both settling to sleep. “I promise. I’ll take a vacation leave and if it’s approved, I’ll come. Don’t get your hopes up just yet. I’m not going to drop my work; I’ll just try being your translator for this leg.” He made a cute face, the one that his dimples are showing, eyes closed, and then getting shy right after. Your heart melts every time he does that and wonder how lucky you are to have him in your life. Yes, you are never going to let go. Not anymore. He deserves the world, he deserves someone who he can share the real Namjoon with, someone who will be his shoulder through ups and downs. Someone who can accept all the flaws and cons of dating someone like him. You are ready to fight for him, against all odds. You are ready to give your life to Kim Namjoon.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Author's note: Planned to end it here but I guess I'll be making Part Three soon 😂🤷‍♀️

#kim namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon imagine #RM #BTS #Namjoon #bts imagine #bts smut #bts ff #bts fanfic #thirsty fic #bts rm

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