#even because of his very human flaws and wont weigh any expectations that he be this perfect fairytale hero over his head

[herotune]

so much shadow around us. to think we almost missed the light...

(a belated entry for wyll week day 6! favorite ship...i adore them ok)

[midwinter-fox]

Heartache

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

So, a quick note because I wanna. I've gotten way more people following me and liking my stuff than I thought I would!! It seriously fills me with so many good feels, I cry a little inside with each notification I get. I've been having a rough time keeping up with writing thanks to Life, the Universe, and Everything (not the book, but still a great read) so I was wondering if it'd be too much to ask for some kind of review..? It can be in the form of an anonymous ask, or a comment, or even a private message. I'd really like some motivation to keep going, or I might end up burning out.. Anyway, y'all didn't come to hear me complain, but I might be encouraged to pump out more fic if I can get some kind words. c: My bitching and moaning aside, here is the next chapter!

It was late into the night - or perhaps it was very early the next morning - before the lovers laid in pleasurable bliss, content with the extent to which they'd explored each other. Leonore's head rested on her lover's chest while her fingers tenderly stroked the coarse hair beginning to sprout from his jaw. She allowed her thumb to brush across his lips every so often, and each time she did, he would press a light kiss to it. Though he thoroughly enjoyed their time together, Dettlaff couldn't help the feeling of remorse that began creeping up in him.

He was there to care for her, not rut into the next day.

Eventually the hand that gently pet him stopped moving, her breathing slowed, and her eyes fluttered closed. She was thoroughly spent, especially considering she'd only barely managed to keep up with her vampiric lover and his seemingly endless stamina. She fidgeted only once when he kissed the top of her head, but then snuggled into him as well as she could. The way she cuddled was like she was trying to almost completely consume him, but it pleased him to no end. Were her bed big enough to accommodate both of them, he'd have attempted to embrace her in kind.

This was perfect, he thought. She was perfect. She wasn't Rhena, but he wouldn't have her any other way. The never-ending praise, constant smiles, and perpetual kindness made his heart feel full again - he’d received some when he had Rhena, but never to this extent and never to the point where he almost had to convince her to stop lest she overwhelm him. Though, now that he thought about it, was Rhena's affection ever truly genuine? He'd never know, but he sorely wished she'd have just told him when she had the chance. It would save him the torturous thoughts that still plagued him two years after he killed her. Then again, he did bring this upon himself.

Alone to his thoughts now that Leonore slumbered peacefully atop him, he began to feel the ever familiar aching in his chest that brought the ill twisting in his gut. Hatred for Syanna and what she did to him began welling to the surface, but who he hated most was himself. He didn't know what he'd done to drive his lover away, but whatever it was, he only had himself to blame; it was only about time before that same fatal flaw forced his current beloved to flee him too, was it not? The beast inside him wanted to pace and snarl and lash out, but when he looked down at the mess of brunette hair and the woman it belonged to splayed across his chest, it resorted to sulking and fuming instead. He dared not wake her up with his often violent temper, but his intrusive thoughts persisted.

Why had Syanna used him? Why the betrayal? Why the heartbreak? Why him? If all she wanted was an assassin, she could've had one of her brutes do it or found one for hire. Instead, she took his heart and cruelly toyed with it until she had effectively turned it black. She knew he would go to the ends of the earth for her - and still would though she lay in a crypt - so why would she give him such hope and love only to discard him then come back years later to take advantage of him? Pain unlike any he'd felt before choked him, but still he remained quiet in his mental torture.

The smell of blood hit the air, but Dettlaff recognized it as his own. He'd dug his claws into his palm deeply and could feel the crimson liquid oozing out to drip onto the bedding. Just as quickly as the wound was made, it stitched itself back together. What he wouldn't give to feel a prolonged physical pain to counterbalance the emotional one. He could just as easily rip his own still-beating heart from his rib cage and crush it beneath his heel, but it would regenerate back in his chest where it belonged only moments later.

Unable to lie still any longer, he decided to use his vampiric abilities to his advantage. With a sigh, he let himself fade into his incorporeal form and slip from beneath his lover, allowing her to gently plop down onto the bed that was beneath them. She stirred only slightly, but quickly settled back into a restful sleep. Dettlaff, on the other hand, stood in the center of the room and gathered his clothing from the floor.

Now that he was up and about, he could survey all of the damage he'd done to her room. Feathers from her pillows were everywhere, including the clothing he now gathered. Her headboard was cracked and there were skid marks on the floor where the bed had been forcefully pushed to the side. Holes littered her bedding and now there was blood thanks to his hurting his own hand.

Despite the destruction, he did not regret a single thing they had done that night. In fact, that particular memory would be burned into his mind. He was especially proud of himself for having not harmed Leonore save for a potential hickey or two, but it was hard to resist when presented with such delectable thighs. It was a trial trying to refrain from claiming her like his instincts roared for him to do, but if memory served, that very well could've been what pushed Rhena away. He was too bestial, too monstrous to be considered a conventional lover. He loved like an animal - he knew that much to be true. This fact was the very reason why he tried so hard to show restraint, for he greatly feared that he would drive Leonore to leave him too. Should that happen, he knew not what he'd do.

After dusting as much downy feathers out of his clothes as he could, he put them back on. Buttons and buckles fastened, he sat on the edge of the bed to slip on his boots. The shifting of weight on the bed made Leonore stir, her eyes ever so faintly opening as she tried to fight wakefulness.

"Dettlaff..?"

"Hush, liefje. Sleep."

"Where're you goin'..?"

"I am going out for some air and to speak with Regis. I will return shortly."

"Please don't go.." The pitiful way she whimpered for him made him hesitate in his decision to step out, but he wanted to clear his head before he did something he'd regret.

"I promise to return," he said softly before kissing her forehead. She hummed in sleepy defiance. Then, he remembered what she had done for him when he'd woken from his nightmare and ran his claws through her matted hair. His fingertips gently rubbed at her scalp while he avoided scratching her with his nails, making her groan softly then close her eyes once more. Soon, she was fast asleep again, so he took the chance to finish putting on his boots and stand carefully from the bed so as not to wake her again.

With one last glance to make sure she still slept, he left.

---

Regis was tending to an ill patient when Dettlaff returned to his home, but they elected to simply ignore each other until the mortal was gone. It was simply how Dettlaff preferred it - it brought less attention to him when humans were around. It was odd that someone be there at this ungodly hour, but mortals were wont to demand services when it best suited them and them alone - something he learned the hard way. Since he was there for Regis, he went to his room to wait for the stranger to leave before speaking with his friend.

The room was as he left it when Leonore slept there last. Her scent still lingered in his sheets, so he opened the window to allow for some air. It wasn't that the smell was repelling for him, but it didn't make his internal pain hurt any less. He seated himself on the bed as he waited, but before he could begin his downward spiral into his own thoughts again, Regis stepped into the room.

"How did everything go? I didn't expect you to be gone as long as you were, so when the raven told me of bandits on the farmstead, I daresay I began imagining the worst. How is Leonore faring? Was she unharmed?"

"She is well. A few scrapes and bruises, but she recovered quickly in regards to her emotional and mental state."

"I take it you got there just in time then." Dettlaff nodded in response, so Regis continued. "She's home asleep? Did she at least get to eat the food you brought her?"

Ah.

Damn.

Dettlaff groaned and covered his face with a hand - he couldn't believe that in all that time with her, he still forgot to get her some sort of sustenance.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Her horse ate it."

"Well. That is.. unfortunate. Were you not so disinclined to lie, I'd say that is possibly the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. As is not the case, I sincerely hope the horse enjoyed it at the least."

"She seemed pleased."

"Leonore?"

"Lola."

"I'll assume that's the horse." There was a faint smile on Regis' face, but judging by the way Dettlaff still rested his face in his hands, there was clearly something bothering him. "Is everything alright, my friend?"

"No," Dettlaff sighed, but he didn't move so much as a fraction. Depression was weighing him down, making him feel heavier than even he could carry. "I needed air, so I left Leonore in her bed. I.. need to sort out my thoughts."

Concern now found its way into Regis' expression, and had he been wearing his satchel, he'd be clutching the strap. As such, his arms crossed as he leaned a shoulder against the door frame.

"What happened after the two of you left the farm? I'd like to know everything that transpired."

"It.. Mh.. I dispatched the bandits without difficulty. The farmer and his children sustained minor injuries, but I instructed them to find you if need be."

"I know that much. They came to see me earlier in the day, told me about how a dark stranger came and saved them without demanding so much as a thanks. When I informed them that you were a friend of mine, they all but threw themselves at my feet and begged me to thank you in their stead. I patched them up and sent them on their way, but not before the farmer saw fit to leave me a few extra coins for both my services and yours."

"I do not want it."

"I know, but they refused to take it with them, so I've set it aside for the time being. Now, what else happened? After the farm nearly being ransacked."

Dettlaff was slow to answer, almost as though he was nearly embarrassed to divulge such information - after all, it was his private life that Regis was prying into, and it was not how he'd intended for his day to go. Really, he'd have been happy to simply spend the next few hours in her arms again, but to have been in, on, and around her had been a pleasant alteration to his plans.

"I told her I love her. Then we returned to her home and laid together until less than an hour ago."

"It's about damned time. I'm assuming you two went back to her house to have sex then."

As loathe as he was to admit it aloud, Dettlaff nodded. He didn't regret their intimate night together, but he wished he hadn't been so rash. There was nothing tender about their mindless rutting; it was two years that he'd secluded himself, but he was so miserable in that entire time that he'd never really thought about his body's sexual needs. The pent up frustration had burst forth as soon as Leonore's lips touched his neck.

"I had a moment of weakness."

"That moment lasted for nearly ten hours, Dettlaff. Is she still intact?"

"Yes, and I did not take her nonstop for that entire time, Regis." He didn't mean to snap, but he felt bad as it is. Even to him though, his excuses sounded terrible - like a child coming up with reasons for naughty behavior. "We.. did other things within that time. Talked, held each other, slept."

"So sex and aftercare. Then more sex." To say Regis was amused was an understatement. He was having too much fun teasing his companion like this, for he was elated to know that his dearest friend finally found someone to fill the holes in his heart.

With a growl, Dettlaff stood and turned to face the window so he didn't have to face the other. The ruthless jesting grated on his already tender nerves, but Regis was the only one he could and would speak to about matters such as this. They'd both seen each other at their most vulnerable, and Regis had a wisdom that he valued deeply. Sensing only his companion's growing unease, the mirth left Regis promptly.

"I still find myself thinking of Rhen-" Dettlaff paused to correct himself, "Syanna, when I am left to my thoughts. Now I am.. unsure of whether I acted too rashly. I cannot deny my feelings for Leonore, but Syanna still holds pieces of my heart. I both long for what once was and hate her so strongly." He all but snarled, his fists clenching at his sides. Anger was rising in him again, and he was prepared to leap out the window and take out his fury anywhere that wasn't his friend's home.

A hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing to provide reassurance that he wasn't alone to deal with his worries and frustrations.

"It's not going to be overnight that you heal from such trials. You are perfectly justified in your feelings, though I do wish I could take that heartache from you and bear it myself. It pains me to see you suffering like this, especially when I once knew a time when you were almost happy. Please, Dettlaff, let me know should there be anything I can do to help you."

"I..." For a moment, Dettlaff was overcome with emotion. There was hurt, sadness, anger, hatred, and yet, he also felt the love and compassion of his beloved friend. Were he not also so empty inside, he might feel the faintest bit of the happiness he was once capable of. "I think I need to be alone."

They stood silent momentarily before Regis sighed and gave Dettlaff's shoulder another squeeze.

"So be it. What should I tell Leonore if she comes by?"

"I told her I would return to her, but should that not be the case, tell her I will be back soon. I simply need time to think.”

With that, he let himself fade, his body becoming nothing more than a fine mist. He needed to escape, and so he left for the Brokilon Forest where his kin resided.

---

With the dryads being a constant threat to any who entered the Brokilon, there were few who dared venture into its depths. After so many warning arrows, however, Dettlaff knew where their boundaries lay. His kin was permitted to cross it so long as they strayed from the dryads' settlements and did not disrupt the natural balance of the forest. As such, they were limited in how much they could hunt, but with how much game there was, he doubted that would ever become an issue.

When he entered the forest and the domain of his pack, he was greeted with enthusiasm. The juveniles he'd spoken fondly of were among the first to approach, the three lamb-sized young ekimma bounding up to him with excited chittering. It was hard not to smile when they brushed against him with their soft, downy bodies and demanded his attention with playful nips.

"I missed you, as well," he mumbled affectionately as he ran a hand through the fur of one. They weren't sentient like the higher varieties, but they were still intelligent in their own respects. They understood him just as he understood them, though they were incapable of speech.

After petting one, the other two grew jealous quickly and either tried shoving their sibling out of the way to receive attention or nudging his hand to demand he move on to them. This was what he'd sought when leaving to sort out his thoughts. There was something soothing about being around his own kind, surrounded by those who were not bothered by the trivialities of mankind nor the devastation it brought in its wake. They lived simplistically, and he wished he were not so complex a being so he too could live without worries or cares.

How could humans think such beings to be monsters? In all of his experience, he'd never known them to attack unless their territory is encroached upon, and even then it was in self defense. The stories in which his kind were depicted as hungry, vicious creatures with only the capacity to kill always filled him with dread. Were mortals not so ignorant, so close-minded, they would see that there is so much more to them. Never had he thought himself a monster before Syanna's betrayal, but what she made him do turned him into the very thing he swore not to be. Leonore was right, monsters killed without cause, and while he felt his reasons were justified at the time, they clearly were not once Syanna's plot was revealed. He killed innocent people, some of which had shown him selfless kindness, and he laid waste to them like a monster truly would.

It was a fitting name for him now, he supposed. Dettlaff truly could be a Beast if he wanted to be, and he made that blatantly clear when he ordered the attack on Beauclair. Guilt still wracked him, but he did what he could to make up for his misdeeds by caring for those of his flock that survived.

He shed his coat so he could avoid having it torn, but once set aside, he gave the young ekimma a playful growl, provoking them into a game. They pounced on him, and though he could easily throw them off, he allowed them to overpower him at times then knock them off easily and nip right back. It amused him to no end how they tried to dominate him, but it also gave him a chance to teach them how to use their claws and teeth to their best advantage. Rarely did they learn, but he took the time to both lead and play. It was better than taking his anger out violently on the environment, for he got plenty of exercise and was content to have the chance away from polite society.

Dettlaff spent the better part of the morning letting loose and allowing his feral nature take him where it may. He hunted and cavorted, wrestled and nurtured; he did what a leader should when in command of a flock of beings the world would otherwise deem horrifying and dangerous. By dawn, his body was coated in a sheen of sweat and his remaining clothing was tattered and torn. His overcoat remained intact at least, which was all he could ask for, really.

All too soon, he knew he had to return to civilization to at least make good on his promise to Leonore. She probably wouldn't even be awake by the time he got back, but he wanted to be there when she woke. He knew how it felt to wake to an empty bed when only a few hours prior someone had shared it with you.

---

Sleep evaded Leonore almost as soon as Dettlaff left. The warmth he had been sharing with her was gone, leaving her feeling cold and alone. Why had he left her..? Surely it wasn't something she'd done? Regardless of how much she tried to rationalize everything, her heart still ached. He was gone for only a few hours, but it felt much longer to her. Rather than try to reclaim lost sleep, she sat in bed and sighed in the dark.

Creaking brought her head up from where it rested on her knees, her body curled up and legs to her chest while she waited to see if he'd really return. Booted feet across the wooden floor, nearly silent, brought him into her room. Dawn peaked in through her window, allowing her to see his blue eyes despite the darkness. Without a word, she stood and went to him, her arms enveloping him just as his automatically did her.

"Why are you awake?" his deep voice rumbled through her, and for some reason she felt it sounded like he'd recently been crying. Yet, when she looked up and met his gaze, there wasn't any sign of tears.

"I waited for you. Something didn't feel right and I.. I waited for you to come back."

Heart clenching painfully, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"I am fine. You need your rest."

"No, you're not. Don't take me for a fool, Dettlaff. I know when you're hurting."

Rather than give her an answer, he gently led her back to her bed. When he sat down, she crawled into his lap and hugged him close before he could even try to so much as remove his boots. Her tenderness was soothing to his worn heart, but now he had the growing suspicion that she was feeling his heartache. After all, he left her to wake alone, and though he'd expressed that he would return, it was hours before he came back. As such, his arms found their way around her again, but he had to grit his teeth against the rising lump in his throat.

"I apologize for having brought you concern. I needed to sort out my thoughts."

"And have they been sorted?" she asked, her head not rising from his shoulder.

"No." The admission almost broke his resolve, but he stayed strong. He had to - for her.

Her head rose from its resting place so she may press her forehead to his. The loving gesture was not one he felt he deserved, but he held her close despite his feelings.

"I'm here for you. No matter what happens, no matter what plagues you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you, no matter your weakness or sorrow. Please, do what you must to try to heal, but do not forget me. I wish to be your balm when your hurt still burns you so."

For but a brief moment, he was grateful she'd closed her eyes. He couldn't stand to let her see his silent tears. His face was buried into her shoulder, arms tightening almost painfully as he fought to stop the pathetic quivering in his chest. Tears spilled down her still naked skin, but she said nothing, did nothing besides hold him close.

"I love you, Leonore."

"Hush, love. I know, and I love you too."

[sam-miniature-pigeon]

Personal Life Update/Rant:

I was so happy not too long ago. I got a depression spike and all it was was “Huh, I feel a little sad.” I was doing so well and then something apparently happened and screwed it over for me so now all I want to do is die or rot in the ground until I’m completely forgotten. I went out and bought a guitar and during the days when my family isn’t home, before work, I’m going to dedicate to learning how to play it. Despite its cost and impact on my financial stability, I really feel like it’s going to help my mental state. I love playing music and I love learning to play music. I really miss it from high school. I feel like a guitar is a great change of pace and more opportunity opening that clarinet or flute? I’ve been writing that garbage self-insert fanfiction to feel like my daydreams are a reality. It’s really embarrassing, but I think I’m at 15 pages? I’ve not written in a couple of days.  I started in the new dining room and I’m in there every single day until next Saturday when I go back to my usual dining room. I feel very awkward there. I hate training because I’m so useless and standing in a corner, trying to be helpful, and praying I’m not making the night go worse. Work has been very stressful lately and I’m starting to get burnt out. The new dining room is a change of pace, but it’s so relaxing to work with my usual residents- and then I get snapped out of the relief when I get screamed at from some jerk who thinks they’re in charge of me. Like, no sweetheart, why don’t you worry about your own job before you hound me on mine.  I lost 3 friends just this week! That’s been weighing on me a lot!! At the age of nearly 20, I realized that maybe I should expect to be treated like a human being rather than a doormat. I’ve confronted every single one of them on multiple occasions and they have proven that they don’t care about my feelings. So I cut the one off and she is completely unphased- and then she suddenly broke up with her boyfriend and called me for support. She only talks to me when she needs something, not that I wasn’t as kind as I could be trying to comfort her. But she’s not talked to me since. Nor had we talked nearly a month beforehand. The other girl is asking our friends if I seem aggressive and bitchy. Apparently, she feels this way because I was upset that others had left so much trash in my car that I had cleaned out. And because I shouted at her for being so reckless- wanting to travel half the country away to meet and sleep with a stranger, without anyone going with her to make sure she’s safe. My concern is aggression, I guess. And the last friend is someone I recently fought with in front of everyone. He was hurting my feelings with namecalling and bullying. I was quiet about it, hinted about it, outright told him about it and he said: “I don’t care.” I thought maybe he’d grow out of acting like that. He told me he was using my friends and didn’t see any issue with it. I realized that I can’t keep hoping for him to grow up and that he should know how to treat people. And if he doesn’t, he can be alone. I confronted him in our work group chat so everyone could see so it wasn’t a “he said/she said” thing and it escalated wildly. I came to the conclusion that he has his head too far up his ass and has his pride held so closely that he won’t even attempt to understand why I’m upset. Four days later, today, I was trying to text him. I was typing an apology for yelling in front of everyone because I could see how that could have embarrassed him or hurt him in some way. While I was typing he said, “if your texting me to argue forget it cause i wont.” I sent the apology and he told me he isn’t mad at me (because he doesn’t care) and simply replied “im sorry to.” As if the half-ass apology was supposed to fix months of bullying and plain ignorance of my feelings. I would take an apology over text, but the fact that he didn’t take the time to type out more than the bare minimum, and spell it wrong, tells me he really doesn’t give a shit.  I feel like all of my other friends are turning their backs on me. I feel like no one wants to be around me anymore. So I’m isolating myself and I hate it. I’ve been really trying to make plans with people and they’ll either blow me off or give me the “yeah! let’s totally hang out soon!” with no follow-up. Or I try to hang out and they leave me on read or even unopened all day. I’m at the point where my friend’s lives are moving in such wild directions that I had a conversation with a friend tonight saying “please don’t forget about me.” He says he’ll pinky promise, but I’m worried because every time I want to hang out, he finds someone else to be with. Either hanging out with them instead of me or inviting someone with us before asking, so it won’t just be the two of us.  I don’t know what’s happening. I look like I’m in an alright place. Working every day to save money and pay off school. Passing all of my classes with As and Bs. Impressing my parents with my dedication to my major. Standing up for myself and asking for more hours, opportunities, and respect in my job. Becoming more chill with my boss and other “adults” in my life. Having a more chill and open look. Working out almost daily (been slacking the past few days). I’m really trying hard to look like I’m okay. But I feel bad that I have all these flaws I can’t fix. I feel bad that my mind is so fucked that not even my friends want to be around me anymore. I feel bad that I’m typing out a book “boo-hooing” about my life. I’m just not in the best place right now, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I just want to see my friends. I haven’t seen one of my best friends since February and it’s so hard to even convince him of the idea of coming out. I miss my friends so much. I really feel like I’m never going to be truly happy. I wish I could go back to therapy or something. Or I wish I could just go mute for 90% of the time so I won’t chat people’s ears off and drive them away from me.  I’m getting sick of crying every night. Two of my friends were on the phone with me for a lot of this week, gossiping and talking about life. Now neither of them will answer my calls. As soon as someone gives me any attention, I get so excited because !! human interaction!! I just fuck it up. I just want to lay in my bed and rot, and if I keep feeling like this that’s exactly what’s gonna happen.