#even more so since the first time reality & library versions met they fought to death (fusion)

[deathspremonition]

after a month i have xkit here. yippie

[imaginedxlan]

Miscommunication (Neville Longbottom)

a/n: first #harrypotter imagine look at me, told you I would have some random things coming to this account. I have and always will be a simp for Neville Longbottom so heres that

Being friends with Draco and his minions is never easy, especially when you have a secret crush on a certain Gryffindor that you know they’d never let you hear the end of if they knew. When your roommate confronts you about your feelings for one of your closest friends, you’re forced to spill.

warning(s): cussing, sexual allusions

Part 2

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Pansy walks into the library in a huff. This isn’t out of the ordinary, she can be quite dramatic, but today her huff seems to be heftier than the other. She drops her things next to a table close enough to you where you can see her making a ruckus and plops in a chair, burying her face in her hands. Usually you let her sort out her thoughts before she inevitably complains to you about whatever Goyle said to her that day or Hermoine calling her pugface again, but not today. She’s actually crying.

“Pansy?” You ask, but she doesn’t lift her head. “Are you alright?”

She doesn’t even bother to move her face from her hands before she says, “Like you care.”

This was out of the ordinary. Pansy has been your roommate as well as best friend since the two of you met on your first ride on the Hogwarts Express. You stand up from your cross-legged position on your chair to sit in the empty seat at her table

“Pansy, darling, how could you say such a thing?” You ask, genuinely confused and slightly hurt by her accusations. “You know I care about you.”

She turns her head to look at you, her eyes red and her sleeves stained beneath her. She doesn’t change her face, still scowling at you, you’re not sure what you’ve done but you know she can’t be mad at you for long.

“Would you tell me what I’ve done so we can talk about this?” You plead with her, you hated when the two of you fought, it always created a weird tension in your lives.

“You must love the way he looks at you,” She starts, sniffling all the while she’s reprimanding me. “Draco just can’t get enough of you, huh? You know how much I like him, y/n, did you have to go after him too.”

“What in Godric’s name are you on about?” You ask, more confused than you were before. “Draco? Pansy there is no reality where Malfoy and I have feelings for each other.”

“I see the way he looks at you.”

“Babe, he’s looking at you!” You exclaim, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly. “Malfoy doesn’t want me. Even if he did, I don’t like him like that one bit. You know I don’t like his type.”

Blood purity this, death eater that. It all got fairly boring quickly when you spend as much time with the miniature Malfoy as you do. Truth be told, you were at first obsessed with the blond, following his every move through your first few months at Hogwarts, but after a while his constant complaints about Harry Potter and his threats about his ‘father hearing about this’ hindered you from ever entertaining the thought of being with Malfoy in any sort of romantic sense.

Everyone you associated with in your house was very similar to Malfoy, just a slightly less whiny version with less daddy issues. Crabbe, Goyle, Theo and Blaise, they all had their hang ups, so you started to look outside of the Slytherin common room. You hadn’t planned to fall for a Gryffindor, you had hoped for a Ravenclaw at least being the intense hatred your friends held for the red and gold clad students, but it just happened.

You’re quite smart, just second to Hermoine Granger in many of your classes, all except herbology. That’s when Neville Longbottom entered into your life. After going to Professor Sprout, hysterical about your most recent marks in the class, she decided to take pity on you and employ her best students to help you.

You could tell you made him nervous, the whole time you were asking about mandrakes and gillyweed his cheeks stayed the same shade of crimson they had from the minute you walked into the library and gave him your signature Slytherin smile. You like the way he looked at you, the way he hung on your every word, the way he wasn’t condescending in the way most of the male friends you have made at Hogwarts are. Neville is kind just for the sake of being kind, it was something you weren’t used to.

“No, y/n, I don’t know that.” Pansy says, not in a mean way, more pleading than anything. “You never tell me about anything when it comes to boys, you always just let me go on and on about Draco, there has to be someone.”

You let out a deep sigh, Pansy is your best friend, she should be the one to know about your little crush on the Gryffindor, but you can’t help but dread the day she accidentally lets it slip to her beloved Malfoy.

“Pans before I tell you I need you to know I am not even remotely embarrassed about liking him, I just haven’t told you because the gits we call our friends would ruin him, alright so you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

Pansy sticks out her pinky and waits for you to link yours with her. You interlock both of your little fingers and kiss your thumbs before pressing them together, solidifying her promise. You take a breath and turn your head to look a little further back in the library where you see Neville explaining some phenomenon to Harry Potter who looks bored out of his mind. Pansy’s gaze follows your before she gasps, smacking her hand to her mouth. 

“Merlin, y/n, you like Potter?” She whisper screams, making your head snap in her direction, widening your eyes at her.

“No you idiot, the other one.” You clarify before turning to look at him again. The way he is so deep in thought, obviously about something he’s passionate about, is so intriguing, makes you fall for him a little more every time you catch him in this state.

It’s not before Longbottom can feel two pairs of eyes burning into the side of his head. He cautiously looks to his left to see the two Slytherins looking his way. When he catches your eyes, he immediately blushes but doesn’t look away, neither do you. You simply give him a gentle smile and a small wave before turning back to Pansy who can’t contain her growing grin.

“You really like Neville?” She asks and your nod, seemingly not able to wipe the smile off your face either. “Y/n, I think thats lovely.”

“You know, I didn’t plan on liking him, but after he tutored me in herbology I just couldn’t keep away,” You gush, you can tell your face probably looks like it’s in a dream state but you don’t care. You snap back to reality to tell her again, “You see why you absolutely cannot mention this to the boys. Especially Blaise.”

You didn’t mean to add that last part, you’re cursing yourself for it actually. You hadn’t meant for anyone to find out that for a brief period of time, solely out of desperation on your end, you and Blaise had been each others extra curricular activity so to speak. It ended the minute you realized you actually had feelings for Neville, you never told Blaise the true reason but if he knew it was Neville he may well murder him.

“Blaise?” Pansy ponders, a knowing grin forming on her lips. “Don’t tell me Zabinis been in your lady parts.”

You gag at her choice of words before nodding sheepishly. “It was a year ago and it was purely out of frustration, I promise. I wanted to tell you but he made me promise to keep quiet since I was the one who ended it. I told him I liked someone else, he thinks it’s Theo. He wasn’t mad because I think he thinks Theo is the best looking out of them. I obviously disagree because I didn’t let Nott in my pants now, did I?” You realize you’re rambling and Pansy is taking in all of this information while stifling a laugh. You shake your head before continuing. “But if Blaise knew it was Neville all along he would hex him or something. You see the way Crabbe and Goyle shove him in the hallway and Draco torments him, and I don’t want Blaise joining in on it okay Pans? I really like him.”

“You’re secret is safe with me, don’t worry.” She assure you with a kind smile. “Have you snogged him?”

You shake your head, “I haven’t even spoken to him about it, we don’t talk outside of herbology. I don’t know why, I feel like I can’t muster up the courage around him.”

Her jaw drops before smacking the table in front of us, “Y/n, you are hottest sixth year in this place, quite possibly the hottest witch to walk these halls ever. I know for a fact you’re the hottest bitch to show Longbottom that kind of interest, it’s not like he’d ever say no to you.”

“That’s the thing Pans, I’m not the kind of girl he goes for,” You sigh, letting your chin rest in your hands. The thing about you and Neville is your relationship is strictly academic. If you were to tell him you had feelings for him, ones that he didn’t reciprocate, he’d probably never tutor you again. You’ll take any time with him that you can, even if it’s just to listen to him go on and on about plants. “I don’t want to freak him out, he might never want to talk to me again. I’d be so embarrassed.”

“If he’s stupid enough to take one look at you and think ‘eh, not my type’ then he’d be the one who should be embarrassed.” She tries to assure you, it doesn’t make the thought of telling him any less scary. You never want to see a look on his face when he’s disgusted with you, and you fear that’s what you’d get if you told him. “Do me a favour and look in the mirror, remind yourself who you are. I don’t just mean your face, I obviously think you’re gorgeous, me and half of this school think so, but also right here.”

She points at you heart and smile. You shrug your shoulders and before you know it, Pansy is making a big show of her exit and making the fact that theres and empty seat across from you extremely apparent, calling out as she leaves, “I won’t be back, darling y/n, don’t save my seat.”

You blush and shake your head as she sends you a wink, leaving you alone in the library. You’re not alone for long before you hear a voice behind you ask.

“You mind if I sit here.”

“Not at all.” You reply, knowing full well who it is. “Hi Neville.”

[skullsandwineglasses]

The Legends (2019) Full Review

My review of the first 30 episodes of the drama can be found here. 

This is more of a rant than a review. The drama should have wrapped up at episode 35. I was able to tolerate it up to episode 42 when the wedding was, but by episode 48 it’s a total mess. 

If only this scene was as epic as the picture makes it look. But alas, this was just a dream sequence, and by this point in the finale, I was already bored and scrolling through instagram on my phone. If only they really did have a love-hate relationship. But this is an angst-free drama. 

Inconsistent character arcs

The FL and ML have become incredibly weak, both in terms of abilities and personality. The changes just don’t make sense for their characters. 

Zhao yao is no longer the badass she once was, and I’m actually fine with that. Moving away from her demoness persona is part of her growth. BUT, she no longer has a goal in the drama (except when she finds out that Mo Qing has an inner demon. Then, her goal becomes finding a way to expel the demon). But in the last quarter of the drama, she doesn’t really do anything of importance. She lost her sword, but she doesn’t actively go and find it. Instead, Mo Qing and Jiang Wu are the ones who took initiative to hunt it down for her. And when Lin Zi Yu got away with it, she doesn’t bother thinking about finding her sword again?? I mean girl, you lost your sword. Your only weapon. Why is that not at the top of your list of priorities? Is this the same FL who had risked it all for the Wan Jun sword? 

(I miss the demoness)

Her tolerance level for things that annoy her is just so out of character. Zhao yao used to be someone who always fought back against anything she didn’t like. But when it comes to Jiang Wu, she seems to have unlimited tolerance for him. Yes, he saved her, but owing him does not mean letting him be a menace. Like when Jiang Wu sucked the life energy out of Ah Dai. All she did was try to restrain Mo Qing from attacking Jiang Wu, but she didn’t spring forward to prevent Jiang Wu from killing Ah Dai. I mean, the cause of Mo Qing’s rage was Ah Dai dying. Shouldn’t you go address the root of the problem? Instead, she just sits and stares and lets Jiang Wu kill Ah Dai instead of doing something. And then there’s the scene in the library when she’s asleep, but Mo Qing is wrestling with his inner demon, and then the Wan Jun sword kills the 2 guards on duty. She just sleeps through the entire thing. Wasn’t she once the most feared conqueror/demoness? Isn’t she a warrior? How can your senses not be alert when there’s so much ruckus around you? Someone on MDL said that she became a glorified baby sitter for the ML, and while I don’t agree that it’s as extreme as that, I can see their point. All that Zhao yao does after the wedding is try to reign in Mo Qing to prevent him from going into full-on demon mode. She holds him back, tries to calm him and soothe him, rinse and repeat.

Speaking of Mo Qing, his current personality is just rage and jealousy. At first, it was kinda endearing seeing him jealous, but soon his entire arc was just about him being consumed by jealousy. The writers try to justify it by saying that he’s always had low self-esteem and been unconfident about himself because of his upbringing, and the growing demon energy inside him is exacerbating these thoughts, making him more unlike himself, but you’re telling me that everything that he and Zhao yao had gone through together was all for naught? This would have made sense 5 years ago, but we’ve seen that he has greatly matured since becoming sect leader. During the earlier episodes, he was able to see right through Zhao yao’s mask. He teased her, flirted with her, scolded her, and basically proved he’s her equal in every way, and he did it all with easy confidence. And now suddenly, all of that growth reverses, and he’s insecure and sensitive again. This character progression just doesn’t make sense in the context of everything that’s happened. I would have loved to have seen more of the introverted and unconfident Mo Qing at the beginning of the drama. But instead, we only got a handful of scenes before that part of his character arc was cut short and we skip ahead 5 years later and then another 5 years later to when he’s the sect leader. There was honestly no purpose for Mo Qing’s suffering. He just suffered for the sake of suffering. In other xianxia dramas, characters suffered for a purpose. It was a price they had to pay in order to protect someone they love. But this suffering is just pointless. It does nothing for this character arc. And they kept replaying the same montage of him sleeping on the dragon. As if it’s not already clear from the last 20 episodes that he’s being haunted by his father’s demon. 

Villains and supporting characters

I didn’t really care for the villains? Luo Mingxuan is still alive, but doesn’t do anything until the last 5 episodes. I eyeroll whenever Lin Zi Yu is onscreen. Jiang Wu is the only one who’s interesting and he serves as comedic relief.  

And then there are all the unnecessary deaths. It’s like they’re killing off all the good characters one by one. What was the point of killing off the doctor? He was the only character who could scold both Zhao yao and Mo Qing. The drama felt so empty without him. 

But on a good note, I really liked most of the supporting characters, from Zhiyan to Shi Qi to Ah Rong to Gu Hanguang. They were also the most consistent characters in the drama. 

On a bad note, the drama spent too much time on the backstories of supporting characters. I did not care to watch Suruo mourn Luo Mingxuan and remembering how they fell in love, and this happens for pretty much all the couples in the drama. It’s because Zhao yao and Mo Qing have a very simple romantic arc that’s resolved very early on, so the writers had to throw in fillers to drag out the drama. And the consequence is that our leads end up getting not enough screen time. 

The final 2 episodes

Oh boy. The last 2 episodes were a hot mess. In the final battle, everyone kept attacking and stabbing Luo Mingxuan, but he just won’t die?? He’s like Wolverine. He just comes back stronger. It just kept dragging on and on, and I completely lost interest. And I felt bad for Xu Kai. He was standing on the sidelines for most of the battle, just watching and shooting worried faces at Zhao yao. I hate to say he was useless, but it just felt like the writers did him dirty. Even Jiany Wu, who had already died by that point, was given a brief re-appearance. While Mo Qing, the ML, was forced to sit out on the action. 

I’m also so over the will-he-won’t-he be evil plot. I keep saying this but I’ll say it again. It. Just. Keeps. Dragging. I’ve watching longer dramas, but this one felt to go on forever. We get it. You’re being tortured by your inner demon, but love will conquer all. 

The editing is also weird? Some of the scenes aren’t in chronological order, and there’s no separation between dream sequences and reality. I also never liked the preview at the beginning of each episode. I also hate how they cut some crucial scenes from the TV version that’s on youtube, forcing me to hop onto doboku, which buffers. 

Honestly, the last episode felt like a hallucinated dream sequence. In one scene, they’re all sitting around the table saying that the need to seal the Wan Jun sword before Mo Qing gets out of the control, and then it suddenly cuts to black with a title card that says 5 years later (don’t get me started on how often they overuse the “5 years later” plot device. Why is it always exactly 5 years?) We then see that Zhiyan is now the sect leader, and we’re told that Mo Qing has sealed himself away, and Zhao yao has been waiting for him to return. We don’t see them say goodbye to Mo Qing before he seals himself away. No scene showing a handover to Zhiyan. We’re just forced to go with it and imagine these scenes ourselves. 

Zhao yao, with a new hairstyle and new clothes to signify the time skip, watches Zhi yan and the sect from the distance. She then goes to visit other people, like Sima Rong and Liu Cangling. Liu Cangling and Zhiyan are the only couple who were able to move on from each other, and honestly, good for them. We then see Zhao yao sitting in the cave, pouring wine onto the cave floor, and then it cuts to black again and a sword flies through the air and wedges itself on the bedrock and we hear Mo Qing say Zhao yao’s name in a voiceover. And then it cuts to a scene where they’re both in the cave wearing their clothes from 5 years and Zhao yao has her old hairstyle. You assume this is a flashback to when they sealed the sword. And then we see Mo Qing in another realm where he lowers the sword in to the water, presumably sealing it. And then it cuts to both of them on the street buying food, wearing their old clothes and hairstyles. 

Does this mean he got out of the seal? When in the timeline is this street scene? How did he get out of the seal? Did he just walk out? Was Zhao yao there waiting for him, or did he go and find her? It’s typical for there to be a long period of uncertain separation in xianxia and wuxia dramas, and these dramas usually end either ambiguously where you don’t know if the couple will reunite, or they end with an emotional reunion, like in Ashes of Love, Eternal Love, Love and Destiny, and Love and Redemption, and famously in Return of the Condor Heroes. But what in the world was this ending?? The hell happened? That was so anticlimactic. If the scene on the street really was their “reunion” after he got out of the seal, does that mean Zhao yao changed her hair back to 5 years ago? Why is the costuming so confusing then?

And the last scene where they have the same actors play their kids? Um, no. That’s just plain weird. You built up the chemistry between the 2 actors, and then in the end you make them play siblings and re-enact the scene of when their parents met? For what? To make the audience reminisce about the budding romance between the leads at the beginning so that things come full circle? But, these characters are siblings?? You’re trying to make us emotional over a scene of two siblings pretending to be lovers?

There was just no point in doing that. It doesn’t tell us anything about the characters’ married life now. I don’t care about their kids. I care about the characters and what they’re doing now. What a strange and uncomfortable way to end the drama. Not satisfying at all. 

It would have been better if they had left it ambiguous. The amount of times that Zhao yao came back from the dead showed that they can defy the impossible, so even if it was an ambiguous ending, you’d still be able to believe that they’ll be together again. But this mess just ruined the chemistry. Ugh. I really miss the first half of the drama. 

Overall Impression

I’m mad about how chaotic the last few episodes were. While the beginning of the drama wasn’t without its flaws either, it was still very promising and intriguing. The beginning of the drama felt like they knew where they were going with the story, even if you didn’t completely like the direction that it went. So yes, I echo the other critiques saying that this drama had a strong beginning and a weak end. 

When I got to episode 35, I thought, how bad can this get? When I got to episode 42, I was still holding out hope that maybe other people were just harsh and maybe I’ll actually enjoy it. But no, the final 10 episodes are really as bad as everyone says it is. 

The romance, which was the only reason I stuck to the drama, also felt a little underdeveloped. I wish we got to see more scenes of them pre-episode 30.They were so cute then. Everything post-episode 30 was just them being constantly worried about each other. 

At least there was no angst. And the comedy was great. So there’s that. 

I give this drama a 7/10 for the characters and the premise. The plot is not worth watching due to terrible editing, pacing, and consistency, but it’s also a drama that won’t take you long to watch since you could skip most of it anyway and just go to the scenes with the leads. It’s my first drama watching Bai Lu and Xu Kai, but I’m def now interested in more of their work, like Arsenal Military Academy. 

[deathonyourtongue]

Willow Run | Ch. 4

Summary: On a horse ranch in Texas, life is far simpler than on the streets of Bakubah, but Syverson has a bad habit of taking in strays of all kinds, no matter what demons may be after them. Pairing: Captain Syverson x OFC Word Count: 2K Warnings: Death. Yeah, I said it.  A/N: You guys are the absolute best! I apologize in advance for what I’m about to do (my body count is WAY too high at this point, but a niche is a niche I guess, right?) CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 |

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If pain and suffering were library books, Syverson was way past due. 

Despite all the extra work he’d put in, Sy slept fitfully. Sasha's presence had more than once awoken memories of his past and now, without his consciousness to act as a filter, his mind was having a field day as it dragged him down memory lane. He tossed, turned, murmured and finally cried out in sheer terror as the most horrific image of his life came back in full, breath-taking force.

Syverson sat bolt upright as the moment played out, his body covered head to toe in sweat, eyes wide and wild as he reached for a gun that hadn't been there in years; not since the incident with the window.

He couldn't catch his breath, couldn't block out the image, and even though he looked awake, Sy was still very much caught in the grips of his nightmare; the tears streaming silently down his face and his mouth locked open in a hoarse scream were proof enough.

Though Sasha had taken a bit to get comfortable in a new bed, she’d fallen asleep without much issue once she settled. After only about two hours’ worth of sleep, Sy’s scream jolted her awake, startling her badly until her mind was able to make sense of what was happening. Wearing only the t-shirt she’d grabbed from his laundry and not bothering to put on the shorts, Sasha dashed across the hall, opening the door to find Syverson awake, but not at all present.

She’d never seen a man look so terrified in all her life, and while most would find it emasculating to be so scared, Sasha knew better. This was no ordinary fear; this was a haunting, one that had probably been with him for years. Her heart broke for him as she approached slowly, seeing the tears pouring from his blue eyes. 

“Sy, sweetheart. Can you hear me? You’re having a nightmare, babe. Wake up.” 

Being careful about where she stood, Sasha slowly reached out and smoothed a hand over Sy’s curls, willing that her touch would bring him back to reality. 

Her voice and touch, so calm and soft in the midst of all the violence and screaming in his mind, snapped Syverson out of his nightmare and he took a gasping breath, looking and seeing her as if for the first time. Shaking his head to clear it, Syverson quickly wiped his eyes and tried for a smile to assure her he was okay.

"Hey, sorry. Did I wake you? I'm really sorry," he whispered, sniffling as he opened his bedside drawer and grabbed the black leg brace he hadn’t needed in a few weeks. Syverson's hands shook violently as he strapped the appliance around his leg, everything in his posture screaming of fear. He needed his pills, but they were down the hall and that meant attempting to walk. Syverson felt like kicking himself for being so stupid; the first time he had company in ages and he forgot to prepare the most basic of necessities in order to keep the night quiet for them.

"You should go back to bed, mama. Get some rest. I'll be fine, just need to grab a glass of water, then I'm back to sleep," he added, his eyes pleading with her to accept the bold-faced lie; it was the only area of his life that Syverson ever hid from anyone and he was certain he'd be able to hide it from her as well.

Sasha didn’t wait for Sy to continue telling his version of the truth and instead grabbed his water glass and made her way to the upstairs bathroom, filling it up with ice-cold water straight from the tap. Despite feeling like she was overstepping her bounds, she searched through the medicine cabinet until she found a prescription bottle with a valid date and Sy’s name on it. Relieved that it was Tramadol and not something stronger, Sasha returned and handed both over to Sy, her eyes holding the same sadness his had earlier in the day. 

“You need anything else?” She asked, cupping his face with her hand and  trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. Sasha felt like a chump for opening up to him about her past when it was clear he was unwilling to do the same and felt the need to hide so bad that he would lie about it just to pretend all was okay. 

Her hand on his face caused a hitch in his breath, Syverson nearly losing his composure once again at the gentility of her touch. He fought tooth and nail not to lean into it, rest his head on her palm and just let go as she had earlier; he was a man, and a soldier to boot. Soldiers weren't supposed to cry and they certainly weren't supposed to talk about how they felt or what they'd seen and done in far away countries.

Sitting there with Sasha, Syverson felt like letting it all spill out, laying his soul bare, and facing the consequences head on. His brain got the best of him however, and he kept mum. No use in terrifying the poor girl; she'd done nothing to deserve hearing about the atrocities he'd witnessed and done overseas.

"N-no, you just go on back to bed. No use in stayin' awake on my account," he murmured, the words sounding almost like a mantra; in fact, he had said them on more than one occasion to his own family. They'd all just looked at him with sad eyes, shaken their heads, and left the room. Syverson wasn't sure, but it didn't seem like Sasha would be so easy to shoo off.

His further distancing only opened the fresh wound in Sasha’s heart a little further, making her feel miniscule and stupid for being as candid as she had. It was an age-old double standard, one she’d thought would bypass her interactions with Sy, given how open he’d been all day. Whatever it was that plagued him, the walls he’d built to protect himself were high and steadfast. Sighing, she stood, raking a hand through her hair as she met his gaze.

“If we’re going to pretend that this never happened, that you don’t look like you’ve seen a ghost, then fine. But don’t expect me to open up about anything else in my life, if you’re unwilling to do the same. I’m not a little girl, Sy. I can handle whatever it is you seem so keen to hide away from the world.” 

Turning on her heel, Sasha gripped her stomach, ignoring her baby’s kicking as she began to make her way back to bed, wishing Sy wasn’t so stubborn.

It was the same old song over again and frankly, Syverson was tired of being the one to press play. His face crumpled and he let out a sob without being able to hold it back. When he spoke, his voice came out tinny and weak, but the desperation in it was as clear as the word was simple.

"Sasha!"

Syverson hoped it was enough, hoped she'd turn back and let him apologize, let him give in a little and let go the way she had. It wasn't easy for him to relinquish the control he usually kept so tightly bound on the subject, but he'd seen how his pushing had hurt her and Syverson didn't want to be the reason she walked out the door in the morning, never to come back.

She’d never heard her name called with such need, such distress before, and it stopped Sasha in her tracks. Born with a touch of a stubborn streak herself, Sasha had only planned on standing in the doorway to hear him out, but one look at Syverson’s tear-strewn face, the pleading in his eyes, and she moved as though being pulled by a magnet, sitting at his side in a matter of moments, all thought of being bull-headed forgotten. 

Syverson's tears subsided as Sasha sat down, his eyes red-rimmed and still filled with fear as he took her hand and held it in both of his.

"I'm sorry. I'm not used to havin' people around, especially for this crap. It's not somethin' I like talkin' about and people don't like hearin' it, so I was tryin' to spare ya. Didn't mean to push you away, sweetheart," he sniffled, his thumbs rubbing circles over her knuckles before he kissed them gently.

“Were you dreaming about whatever happened that sent you to the VA? I saw the album downstairs,” Sasha confessed, her free hand stroking through his curls, her face dipping to catch his gaze as Sy lowered his head, shaking it.

“Nah, that was just an IED that I had the misfortune of drivin’ over. It’s why I still have a prescription and a rod in my leg,” he answered, Sy clearing his throat before shaking his head once more, clearing the persistent whispers from his mind that told him to shut up and not talk about it any further.

“My nightmares are only ever about one thing. One little girl, actually. Her name was Zakiya. She was the sweetest lil’ thing. Big bright eyes, so expressive, she just put a smile on yer face immediately.” 

Sitting back against his headboard, Sy held Sasha’s hand a little firmer, his own trembling, although whether from pain or anguish, Sasha couldn’t be sure. 

“We used to drive through her village every time we left the wire. Back then, we always carried candy bars and extra MREs with us, mostly for the kids, but for people in need too. She’d come running every time she saw us comin’ through, like we were the ice cream man or somethin’. Anyhow, she took a shine to me. Would always ask for me to hold her, ‘cause I was taller than anyone in the village and she liked seeing out over the horizon.” 

Sy blew out a breath, his body beginning to rock back and forth as tears shimmered in his eyes once more. Sasha’s concern grew, her other hand covering the one already gripped in her palm. 

“We didn’t speak a lick ‘a each other's languages, but we somehow made it work. She always had a smile and a big ol’ hug for my neck. She wouldn’t let go until it was time for us to move along and even then, she stayed behind wavin’ like it was her favorite thing to do. She couldn’t ‘a been more than five or six.

“One day, we get there and she’s not there, waitin’. Instead, she’s in her father’s arms. He was a village elder ‘a some sort, and for whatever reason, had got it in his head that his wife and Zakiya had both dishonored him by being nice to us. Just for being nice, friendly...normal. By the time we got there, he’d already killed his wife...But he was waitin’ for us to show up before he killed Zakiya.” 

Sasha’s own heart clenched, knowing what was coming would be horror on a level she never hoped to experience first-hand, her sympathy and respect for Syverson going up exponentially as she steeled herself for the end of his worst nightmare. 

Sy kept his eyes on the mattress, his free hand picking at a loose thread in the bedding, terrified that after he told her everything, Sasha would never see him as the same man again. 

“I got on my knees for that man. Took off my helmet, my plates, everything. Told him to take me instead of her. I begged like the world was endin’ and I needed one more day. Our poor interpreter could barely keep up with me, I was talkin’ so fast.”

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Syverson let out a noise akin to a dying animal, folding himself in half for a moment before taking several rattling, deep breaths. 

“You know that famous shot of Jackie trying to catch Kennedy’s brain? He dropped her like a fuckin’ sack ‘a potatoes after he blew her head open, and all I could do was h-hold-” 

As a longing wail loosed itself from his lungs, Sy felt himself wrapped up in the fiercest hug he’d ever received. Sasha cupped the back of his head as her own tears slipped down her cheeks, unable to fathom how Sy had managed to go about his life with that sort of weight in his heart; she’d known men who’d taken their own lives for less.

“I’m so sorry, Sy,” Sasha whispered into his curls, her heart breaking at the way Syverson clung to her as though he were drowning. In a way, he was, Sasha wishing there was more she could do to help ease his suffering, though she wasn’t sure if anyone had ever even gotten this far with him before. 

“What happened to the elder?” She asked as she heard his breathing calm some. 

“I emptied a mag into his face.” Sy said resolutely, Sasha hearing no remorse in his voice, though she couldn’t blame him, given the circumstances. 

“No one in the village ever complained, not even his older kids. Think they were all afraid of him. We did them a favor. You don’t kill kids. Especially babies. You give ‘em kindness, compassion, love. That’s it. End of story. You hurt a child, you murder a child in cold blood like that? I put you in the ground, plain and simple.”

She held onto him, stroking his broad back, carding her fingers through his hair, letting him take the pain he’d held onto for so long and finally let some of it go. Though she knew he’d never truly recover from that day, Sasha hoped that finally talking about it to someone who wouldn’t judge or pity him, would make a small difference. 

His breathing slowed and Sasha gave him another squeeze, realizing something she hoped would help ease his pain further.

“For what it’s worth, Sy? If nothing else, you brightened that little girl’s day each time you saw her. You gave her a smile just like she gave you one. You were with her at the end and that’s what counts. She didn’t die alone. In a perfect world, she wouldn’t have died at all, but in the horror that was her final moments, she knew you were there. She knew.”

[writinginstardust]

After The War | Chapter 4

Pairing: Dorian Havilliard x reader

Warnings: mentions of war and death

A/N: okay so I’ve decided that I’m going to aim for having a new chapter of this out every two weeks from now on unless I miraculously get tons done a lot quicker. I wish I could update quicker but I just can’t at the moment so I’m hoping that this new schedule might actually work out. Um there is a LOT of reader backstory stuff revealed in this chapter which is part of why it’s so long but it’s stuff that I thought up back before I started this fic and I wanted it to be known to both you and Dorian, it’s used to bond and stuff though and I don’t think it makes it boring so it’s there and I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Word Count: 3866

*

Dorian could not stop thinking about the almost-kiss. He was quiet through dinner, replaying the moment over and over and imagining what might have happened if Yrene and Chaol hadn't interrupted. In some respects he was relieved they had, he’d promised himself he wasn’t going to let anything happen between them after all, but he did really, really want to kiss her. That impulse hadn’t quite worn off either and having (Y/N) sat so close was torturous. Curse his heart, why did he have to fall in love as easily as he once fell asleep?

The memory continued to plague him long into the night and he found himself laying wide awake in the small hours unable to think of anything else. Every time he closed his eyes the peaceful image of her sleeping face floated behind his eyelids, the feel of her body resting lightly against him pressed deep into his skin, the electricity that had charged the air between their lips flooded his veins and everything about him somehow became her. It was maddening but at the same time he never wanted it to stop.

Resigning himself to the fact that sleep was going to continue evading him tonight, Dorian groaned and pulled himself out of bed, throwing on some clothes and a cloak and heading out to wander the castle. He leisurely traversed the near silent halls, letting his mind wander where it pleased, less afraid of what it might think up while he was alone and a sleepy hush filled the very air he breathed. His thoughts, unsurprisingly, centred mostly around (Y/N) as they had since she’d arrived, only now he was willing to admit to himself what that meant. That moment in the library had sealed his fate and all the paper-thin walls he’d built to try and stop himself risking his heart again had been burned to ash.

He was pulled suddenly from his thoughts when he caught sight of their subject sitting alone on a bench in the courtyard he was passing. She hadn’t noticed him so for a moment he just watched her, took note of the way the moonlight made her glow, the way the stars had found a new home in her sad eyes, how she clung to her drawn up legs the way a child might to their mother. He wasn’t sure if that last one was from a need for comfort or to fight the slight chill in the air since she was only wearing a thin robe over her just as thin nightgown. From the somber, far-off look in her eyes he decided it was probably the former.

Taking a step into the courtyard, Dorian cleared his throat and the girl flicked her gaze to him in surprise, instantly brightening at her new companion. Dorian tried to ignore what that reaction did to his traitorous heart but couldn’t stop his small smile as he walked over and took a seat beside her.

“Hi.” She spoke softly as if unwilling to shatter the peace of the night.

“Can’t sleep either?”

“No, I slept for a bit but staying awake seems to be the safer option tonight.” Oh.

“You get nightmares?”

“Sometimes, mostly it’s just my own memories haunting me. ...I’m not scared to relive it all, I know how it ends, but...when I dream of it I can feel everything I felt then...the not knowing if I’d live or die. Awake I know it’s fine but asleep I know nothing and it’s terrifying.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke, almost as if she couldn’t bare to, but Dorian could tell she was holding back tears. A wave of sorrow washed through him at the fresh reminder of just how damaged the war had left them all and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and comfort her. He couldn’t do the first part but he could attempt the second if he could only figure out how.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Are you sure you want to know what happened?” She looked at him then, her eyes serious, and he knew whatever she told him was going to be hard to hear. He almost said no, the cowardly part of him didn’t want to have to face the reality of what she’d endured. But he couldn’t do that, what had happened was part of who she was and Dorian wanted to know all of her, if she could trust him with this raw piece of herself then he owed it to both of them to hear it.

“Yes.” He breathed out and the word seemed to say so much more than it was ever designed to. She was silent for a few moments before she slowly uncurled herself to sit normally, her hands braced on the bench beside her and feet planted firmly on the floor as if she needed to ground herself. Fixing her gaze somewhere in the distance again she took a deep breath and let the words come tumbling from her mouth.

Dorian listened in mournful silence as she described the night Adarlan’s troops had attacked her home, her father fighting in vain to give her and her mother a chance to escape, the pain she’d felt when, as just a child, she’d had to split from her mother for safety’s sake. She told him about the threat and fear which had followed her south during her treacherous journey to Rifthold - the last place she wanted to be but her safest option, how for the longest time she’d felt so scared and alone in a world she’d felt she no longer had a place in, a right to be in. She’d had no idea the fates that had befallen her friends and family but no time to truly grieve the losses she knew there had been as she was forced to learn how to survive in the worst of places.

“For so long I thought everyone must have been killed, that I was lucky enough to survive purely for being so unknown to most outside of Terrasen, I never dreamed that I’d see anyone I cared for again… But then one day I was walking through the market and I saw Aelin. I thought I must have been dreaming, my best friend had lived. We cried and talked and she told me about how she was being trained as an assassin and we promised to look out for each other in the city. That was the day I finally had some hope again.” She smiled wistfully and paused her tale for a moment, thinking about how much she felt she owed to Aelin, Dorian assumed.

“So anyway, I managed to find work helping a seamstress who gave me somewhere warm to stay and eventually learned to make clothes myself. Aelin would come see me whenever she could and taught me how to fight, I was surprisingly good at it and she said I could probably be a great assassin myself. I chose not to of course and life went on. We grew up, we moved on as much as we could, just two girls who’d lost everything and only had each other left. ...It felt like a knife to the heart when she was taken to Endovier.”

Everything seemed to still at the mention of that dreadful place and Dorian was brought back to the moment when he’d first met Aelin, a version of her that was all but ruined by a year in the mines. He’d hated that without even knowing her, it was was hard to imagine just how awful that news must have been for (Y/N) who had lost everything else and then had to lose the last bit of home she had left to the brutality of that camp, knowing the horror her best friend would have to endure.

“But then she was back. I didn’t get to see her for a while but just knowing she was alive and in the city was enough. Of course, you know everything that happened for a while after that, life went on as normal for me and I only ever heard whispers of everything that happened in the castle, even Aelin never told me much the few times I saw her. I almost left the city when the Valg started to become a problem but I found out Aedion was here and I knew I couldn’t.

“So even as everything fell apart around me, I stayed. Aelin told me that she’d assumed I’d had the sense to leave so didn’t bother trying to find me after you defeated the King and so I just carried on as normal until the Witches sacked the city. I barely made it out with my life and once again found myself all alone, with no home, stuck in the wilderness after having my life turned upside down. It was like it was all borrowed time and I was being returned to my rightful place...like the world was telling me to just give up.”

Dorian’s heart broke for her, she’d lost everything not once, but twice, before the war even really started but she’d still fought for a world that had done her and those she loved so much wrong, continued to hope when all seemed hopeless and no one would have blamed her for giving up. Her will to go on and refusal to accept the hand fate seemed intent on dealing her, standing defiant in the face of the gods and the wills of the world, was incredible and Dorian didn’t think he’d ever been more in awe of someone than he was of her.

“But I was stronger than that,” she continued. “I wasn’t the scared, broken little girl I’d been last time. I was tired of the world taking everything from me and I vowed I would never let it happen again. I was going to fight for the future I wanted and I’d either get it or I’d die trying.

“It was a logical assumption that Aelin would gather her forces in Terrasen and Erawan would strike there sometime so I made the journey north and got to go home for the first time in 10 years.”

Tears started to form in her eyes as she recalled her homecoming, seeing friends and family she didn’t know had survived for the first time in years, her devastation at seeing the destruction Adarlan had brought to the once great cities of Terrasan, and the hollowness she’d felt at how empty and devoid of life everywhere had felt. It had only got worse as winter fell and Morath began attacking.

“I never could have imagined just how terrible war is. I spent days, weeks at a time running on minimal sleep, pushing myself past the point of exhaustion in that freezing wasteland, watching friends I’d only just made fall beside me over and over... You get used to watching people die but it never stops being painful, every new body in the mud and snow ripped away a little piece of me and every time I rested I had to try and stitch those pieces back together and hope it was enough.

“I got hurt, not bad but enough that there was no way I’d stand a chance fighting for a few weeks, so Aedion forced me to go back to Orynth. Being there, where I was mostly safe, was almost worse than being on the front lines, at least there I was doing something. Waiting for news, not knowing who lived and died and unable to do anything about it was a new form of torture I wasn’t prepared for. The day our army returned felt like the beginning of our end. Doom was on the horizon and there seemed to be no hope left. And then, too soon that doom was on us.”

The memory of what came next was particularly painful and (Y/N) had to take a minute to prepare to tell it. Dorian noticed her distress and reached out to hold her hand, entwining their fingers and squeezing gently to give her something to ground herself with and silently lend her support. She looked down at their joined hands and then up to meet his gaze which had never strayed from her throughout her story, giving him a small, thankful smile before turning her eyes to the floor and picking up where she’d paused, voice quieter than before.

“The siege seemed to last forever, everyday more of us fell and supplies dwindled, there seemed to be no end to the Morath troops. It got to the point where I accepted my coming death, I think a lot of us did, but none of us were willing to stop fighting, however few we could take out gave everyone else less to fight, it would give others a chance. I didn’t want to die, really I didn’t, but I knew I was going to, I knew we all would if no one came to our aid. Hope for the rest of you to do what we couldn’t was all that kept me fighting. I wanted a better world even if my life was the price of it...

“Everyday was the same awful routine until you all turned up. You brought us a hope we didn’t think existed anymore. In that final battle I was on the ground, I refused to be anywhere but the front lines, fighting with my people for my kingdom and our world. I knew I’d have hated myself if I hid away like Darrow wanted me to.” He felt her shudder through their joined hands, clearly remembering a bit too vividly that final bloody battle. In a small attempt to comfort her, Dorian started rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.

“Too many Valg soldiers attacked me at once, they’d singled me out as one of the leaders and wanted to weaken the line. I’m a good fighter but not good enough to hold that many off forever. I couldn’t block or attack them all at once and I got too injured to fight anymore. They must have assumed I’d bleed out eventually and left me to die near the river. I was in a lucky spot really because it was days before anyone found me when it was all over. Without that river for water or the bodies to help keep me warm and their shredded clothes to stop most of the bleeding I would have died a lot sooner. If they’d found me much later I would have died anyway.

“I suppose you know the rest better than I do. I was on the verge of death when they brought me to Yrene and there was so much damage and infection that it took even her days to really heal me and weeks for me to be even close to recovered. I’ve been told it was bad and I’m glad I don’t remember it. It’s a miracle I survived, I never expected to in those days I spent stuck on the battlefield, but I’m happy I did. It was awful but I’d do all of it again for the chance to end up here.”

Silence enveloped them for a while after that, (Y/N) had nothing more to add and Dorian just needed time to process all she’d revealed. He’d known fragments before and had seen enough of her while she’d been healing to guess at what happened but he’d never managed to truly understand until now. Everyone had suffered so much in the war, all in different ways and to varying degrees, but he didn’t know their stories like he now knew hers, didn’t now feel all their pain and loss as his own like he felt (Y/N)’s. She said she’d do it all again if she had to but Dorian couldn’t help wishing she’d never had to in the first place, that someone else, him even, could have done it for her.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a few minutes silence, unsure of what else he could.

“For what?” She turned to look up at him. “It’s not your fault any of this happened, you’ve been through hell too. Don’t go feeling responsible for what others have done.”

“I know, it’s just hard not to feel guilty seeing all I have when it was my kingdom and my father who played the biggest part in it. No one should have had to suffer so much, least of all you.” She frowned at him and gripped his hand tighter as she held his gaze with a fierce determination in her eyes.

“You’re not your father and you can shape your kingdom into something better. You need to stop punishing yourself for things in the past that you had nothing to do with and focus on making this place better than it’s history. We learn from what’s happened and we grow, it’s a piece of your past and it may not be a piece you like or want to remember but it’s an important piece that’s made you who you are. I didn’t tell you my story because I wanted pity, I told you because it’s what makes me who I am and I want you to know me, all of me. There are times when I wish things were different but I wouldn’t be me without going through what I did and neither with you. We all love this you so don’t beat yourself up about the things that happened to bring you here.”

Dorian couldn’t help the few tears that escaped his eyes at that, it wasn’t the first time someone had said something similar but somehow coming from (Y/N) - who would have every reason to hate him for what his family did, who had lost and lost and lost again, who had not long ago been an almost stranger - he finally believed it. Finally felt that maybe he could stop blaming himself, that him being happy wasn’t an insult to everyone whose lives had been destroyed, that he deserved to be able to move on. He couldn’t thank fate enough for bringing this girl into his life and finally letting him feel truly free.

“Thank you.” His voice was barely even a whisper but she heard anyway and the smile she gave him on top of her words made him feel lighter than air.

“You don’t ever need to thank me Dorian.” She yawned and stretched, the action causing him to realise just how tired he too had become thanks to their rather emotional conversation. “I’m going to try and get some sleep, you should too.” She paused, thinking about her next words carefully. “...Thank you...for listening, I haven’t told anyone some of that but it’s nice to have it in the open.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Good night, Dorian.” She pressed a feather-light kiss to his cheek before standing with a smile and walking back inside. He might have over-analysed what that meant if he hadn’t seen her do the same to their friends on multiple occasions, he still might have anyway but no one would ever need to know that.

“Good night, (Y/N),” he whispered as he watched her leave.

The night returned to its former stillness and it was almost as if (Y/N) had never been there. He wondered if it had all been an elaborate dream or an apparition but the slight warmth on his cheek and hand reminded him it was real. This wasn’t how he’d expected his night to end but it was how he’d needed it to without knowing. (Y/N)’s company had calmed his mind and he finally felt like he could sleep, the fact that she could do so with such ease was a strange realisation but one that he received fondly. He fell asleep quickly after finally returning to bed, a smile on his face and a warmth in his chest he’d never speak of to anyone else. He was beyond thankful to have met her.

*

Dear Aelin,

I’m writing this in the middle of the night because I just have to get this out now or I might not be able to bring myself to say it. I think I might be falling for Dorian. That’s not good is it? That shouldn’t be happening, I shouldn’t be letting it happen. I always knew he was attractive and suspected he was a great person at heart even before I knew anything about him other than his public face but he’s an even kinder, more caring and thoughtful person than I’d ever imagined or you’d suggested. I know you know I had a crush on him all that time living in Rifthold even if you were nice enough not to bring it up, until you knew him better yourself at least, but I thought it had passed, I thought I’d be fine coming to stay here. You could have warned me it would be really easy to fall for him!

It’s alright though, I promise I’m not letting it get in the way of anything and I’m not going to do anything about it so you don’t have to worry. I mean it’s not as though he feels the same way anyway. Maybe it would help if I spent less time with him but that’s a bit difficult now we’ve become such good friends and I really enjoy his company, I don’t want to lose the friendship just because my heart decided to do something ridiculous. Why is this so hard? Was falling for Rowan this difficult for you? Honestly, I don’t know why I’m asking, I probably won’t even send you this letter, I just needed to write it down. It almost feels like actually talking to you and that’s always helped.

In case I do end up sending this, you’re probably wondering what exactly brought this on. Well I had trouble with sleep tonight so I went outside to clear my head and then sort of spilled my whole tragic past to Dorian and he was really sweet and calming and I realised that it just feels right being around him. I usually don’t like telling people as you know but for some reason I wanted him to know and to be honest that scares me a bit. Oh and I almost kissed him earlier so all this feels a lot like a crisis and I needed to just tell someone before I actually do something stupid.

The King and Queen of Eyllwe will be here in a day so everyone will be busy with them, hopefully that will give me some breathing room to figure out the mess my emotions have got caught up in. There’s a welcome ball though so probably not.

I’ve got so much more to tell you but I still haven’t decided if i’m sending you this letter or not so I’ll put that in a different one. For now that’s all I suppose.

Love,

(Y/N)