#every day I say that Lenin was a BITCH

[swifty-fox]

dude! more history rants, that was great!! I honestly probably learned more in that than I ever have in a history class

dude! Learning about history is SO much better when the person you’re listening to has a genuine passion for it! My Russian prof used to take his shoes off and bang on the table to prove his point, he would imitate historical figures down to the Russian accent (with great skill he lived in the USSR through the entire nineties which if you know anything about nineties Russia that is a FEAT. His wife to be at the time ((now a german history prof at my college)) was offered a ride in a helicopter by the Russian mob. She declined) 

Russian history is also just such a rich and dramatic and WILD history. Theres so many things to focus on like an entire semester was spent JUST studying the revolution and that was only an introductory course

Anyways since I’m here and can rant lets talk about two fun things! Lenins  name and his family as well as Vasily Grossmans greatest and most controversial works!

So Vladimir Lenin is a pretty iconic name. A pretty cool name in fact! Really rolls off the tongue and strikes FEAR into enemies hearts.

Did ya know it’s not his fuckin name? Nope! the guy straight up chose a new last name for himself! This former law student (oh yeah he wasn't even a politician no wonder the fucko didn't know how to run a country) was actually born Vladimir Ulyanov! 

but why the name change? Ulyanov is still pretty easy to say, still pretty memorable. Rolls of the tongue so on and so forth.

this, ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between and beyond, is because of Lenins older brother Aleksandr Ulyanov! 

(this guy has better hair than i could ever hope to, thanks diluted slav genes) 

now sweet Aleks here was also four years Vladimirs Senior and was also a revolutionary! (seems like it ran in the family) 

Not only was he a revolutionary but he was a MASSIVELY FAMOUS ONE and kinda helped set the ENTIRE downfall of the soviet union in motion long before the revolution was even a whisper of a thought. 

How you ask? well uh.

he tried to kill Tsar Nikolas II’s dad. 

yes, that Tsar Nikolas who later was overthrown and was executed by firing squad. Sorry the Romanovs are all very very dead we found all their bodies the animated movie was very wrong. 

Anyways, sweet kolya’s father was Tsar Alexander III and he was known throughout the land as the Peacemaker! 

(also yes they're both called Aleksandr. Russians only have like. Ten names to choose from)

wow sounds like he must be a great guy with a nickname like that huh? Why would anyone wanna kill him! Sadly, the nickname is only because Russia entered no wars under his rule. He was in fact, a huge bastard. Outside of being physically and emotionally abusive to his family (he would often berate Nikolai for being weak which definitely led to some of his issues with his authority and pride being questioned later on...) he was incredibly reactionary and heavy handed when it came to ruling. he opposed ANY movement that might minimize his authority as emperor. He was famous for executing a LOT of anti-imperialist terrorists.

he also looked like this

not to insult bulldogs but this guy sure looks like one. 

Anyways, Aleksandr Ulyanov helps devise a plot wherein he and a bunch of other revolutionaries will ride by Tsar Alek’s carriage and chuck a bomb through his window and then boom no more emperor. basically, it was the 1887 version of a drive by shooting. 

Naturally, it failed, otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about this! Anyways, All the conspirators were captured and sentenced to death. (5 were later pardoned none of which were Lenins brother.) They were all hanged.

Although Lenin was involved in politics before this to some degree, this action really radicalized him and really got the ball rolling for the eventual Soviet Union. Talk about butterfly effect. 

Alright time for history lesson part TWO!! Lets talk about Vasily Grossman and his work In The Town of Berdichev! Though more technically I will be talking more about the film adaptation titled Commissar(1967). 

quick background time! Vasily Grossman was born to a Jewish family and due to prosecution (of both Jewish people and Ukrainians) at the time was forced to conceal his heritage. He actually studied to be a chemist at first and was quite successful until he transitioned later in life to being a writer and reporter! His accounts of the Ukrainian famine are the some of the most detailed accounts as well as the most controversial (to the Russian state) he also was a war reporter for WWII and intensively documented the ethnic cleansing going on. Understandably.

he was strongly supported by Maksim Gorky! (yes that Maksim Gorky, famous writer, and the man who helped develop the entire soviet education system that kinda was just brainwashing and propaganda. Reportedly later in life he considered that to be one of his greatest regrets((he was also a massive homophobe too because same sex relationships were actually legal for a while there in russia!))

Long story short, Vasya believed strongly in several things. he believed in the human spirit, he believed in supporting his Jewish brethren, he believed strongly in mother Russia and the communist party. But more than that he believed that those who do not learn from our mistakes are doomed to repeat them. 

Thus came about his work. I’ll post a quick plot summary here from Wikipedia of the movie. it’s a really good film honestly I highly recommend it. 

“During the Russian Civil War (1918–1922), a female commissar of the Red Army cavalry Klavdia Vavilova (Nonna Mordyukova) finds herself pregnant. Until her child is born, she is forced to stay with the family of a poor Jewish blacksmith Yefim Magazannik (Rolan Bykov), his wife, mother-in-law, and six children. At first, both the Magazannik family and "Madame Vavilova", as they call her, are not enthusiastic about living under one roof, but soon they share their rationed food, make her civilian clothes, and help her with the delivery of her newborn son. Vavilova seemingly embraces motherhood, civilian life, and new friends.Meanwhile, the frontline advances closer to the town and the Jews expect a pogrom by the White Army as the Red Army retreats. Vavilova attempts to console them with a Communist dream: "One day people will work in peace and harmony", but the dream is interrupted with a vision of the fate of the Jews in the coming world war. She rushes to the front to rejoin her army regiment, leaving her newborn behind.“

- White army was the anti-soviet army during the revolution. Red Army was the soviets. Pogroms were targeted areas of ethnic cleansing against Jewish peoples, namely they were villages or towns that were wiped out. 

this film was banned for something like forty years for anti-soviet sentiment. But why? it seems pretty damn pro-soviet doesn't it? 

Well firstly lets talk about how oppressive the soviet regime was by this point! In 1967 Russia was in the dying throes of Stalins regime. Yes he had died a little over a decade earlier but the government was still very much being run by his ideals. All independent newspapers were banned. EVERYTHING every single piece of art, literature, news, commercial, WHATEVER, had to be state approved. And by god was it hard to get things approved. Grossman routinely wrote of his frustrations and struggles of getting anything published because if a Russain character was portrayed as anything but a happy go lucky communist then it would be censored. Grossman first ran into this issue when he was reporting on the iron and coal mines in siberia. the conditions were terrible but Grossman had to lie and say everything was fine. It let to a real crisis of ideals for him.

The first red mark against this movie is that well, it focuses on a woman. It’s an incredibly feminist movie, with the idea of motherhood and duty and the strength of a woman being just as much if not more than a man. (for reference a Commissar is like an army Officer) 

Secondly, she abandons her post! to have a child! In communist Russia NOTHING comes before your duty to the motherland. But again she eventually realizes that the call of her country is stronger than the call of this simple maternal life and she does go on to fight so why is this a problem?

Well ultimately, it boils down to the final scene. 

"One day people will work in peace and harmony" she says. An entirely pro-soviet message. But then it is instantly contradicted by footage of the holocaust. This is a visual representation fo Grossman saying that although the communist ideal is strong in the soviet union that they are being blinded by false enemies, prejudices and will find themselves committing such atrocities (of course they already are but again he DID still support the Soviet State) Basically it was a warning to the Soviet Party! Learn from the mistakes that were made and gentle themselves!

And this, this was a criticism of the Soviet party! And thus, it was shelved for nearly twenty years.

It finally was shown again in the late 80′s  

Grossman, after attempting to publish his magnum opus, Life and Fate, had his flat raided by the KGB and all his notes, manuscripts, letters, books, publications, and pretty much his life's work were confiscated. Grossman died in the mid 1960′s of stomach cancer not knowing if any of his writings or best works would ever be seen or published again. 

Thankfully they were found and published and his massively important legacy lives on in the people who know about him. But his story is a very bittersweet one indeed. 

you can watch the full movie here with English captions! 

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(tw: imagery of holocaust, some anti-semitism (if i recall) some children without any clothes bathing if i recall (its not weird but I know it was shocking for me to see at first))

(maybe I’ll talk about the TRUE story of Rasputin another time...) 

[rozcdust]

Waste it on me

Pairing: Takeomi Akashi x f!reader

Genre: Crack, SMAU

Word count: 700ish and pretty pictures

Warnings: Canon divergent, profanity, ooc, sugar daddy/ sugar baby relationship, age gap (both are consenting adults), suggestive, breaking and entering, reader is a petty bitch, everyone is what the french call a fucking idiot

pt. 1 | previous | pt. 28 C | next | playlist| backstory | angst route

To say Taiju was thrilled when you shot him a text, requesting him to go shopping with you, would be an understatement.

He was absolutely delighted.

You rarely ever spent time with him lately, always busy and caught up in your own life, but he still appreciated those days you chose to spend with him, even if it is to irritate him as a reminder why he has to practice breathing exercises and go to anger management classes.

Or try to convince him Jesus was reincarnated in the form of Lenin with a 38 slideshow PowerPoint.

“Tai, over here, dumbass!” You yelled from a swing set in front of the mall, alerting him to your presence.

He would have scowled at your childish antics if he were younger, but he has long since grown used to your bullshit, so he merely walked over with his usual resting bitch face.

“Okay, so,” You started, hopping off the swing set, dusting yourself off, “I need your help.”

Taiju raised a sceptical eyebrow.

“So Valentine’s is coming up and-“

Taiju tuned you out, and made a quick mental note to pray for your already damned soul.

“And I really don’t know, so can you help?”

“Sorry, what?”

“Were you thinking about sky papi again?”

“Don’t call him that, I beg of you.”

“Keep begging and I’ll think about it.”

“I won’t pay your tuition anymore.”

“Now hold up-“

“What is she doing?” Senju muttered, her hair under a cap with sunglasses and a fake mustache covering her face as he stares at you from the store opposite the jewelry shop, hiding in between clothing racks.

“Cheating.” Sanzu muttered next to her, hiding his totally unnoticeable hair underneath a wig, hiding his face and scars with a surgical mask.

“You two are insane.” Kakucho mumbled, who has a bucket hat and unibrow forcefully drawn on his face.

The three of them were absolutely the most suspicious people in the damn store.

“I don’t like the way she is dragging that guy around.” Sanzu narrowed his eyes, peeking above the clothing rack to see better.

You dragged Taiju away, out of their sight, and Senju quickly put away the dress she pretended to look at, gesticulating at Sanzu they have to move***.

Sanzu nodded, and on cue, pulled Kakucho along.

Kakucho merely sighed.

He really didn’t think you were cheating, Takeomi and you weren’t even fucking dating, and Kakucho was damn well aware how disgustingly in love with Takeomi you were, he saw it every time he was forced to witness your overly affectionate actions towards the older man at meetings.

And the fact you called Kakucho a minimum of 3 times a week to just talk about ‘Takeomi this, Takeomi that’.

While his own love life was suffering.

Ugh.

“They’re entering a jewelry store.” Senju noted, quickly turning to Sanzu and Kakucho, “Let’s split up so we cover more ground. Sanzu, go in this store, I’ll go in this one, and Kakucho, sit on a bench and pretend to be on your phone.”

Kakucho would have said no, but something told him that was in fact, not a damn option.

The 9th circle of hell had nothing on his life.

“Do you think your partner would prefer a watch or a bracelet? Maybe a necklace? Or a ring? The jeweler suggested, showing you multiple pieces of way too shiny rocks and metal that probably cost half a year of your rent.

Luckily, you saved up quite a bit of money Takeomi gave you, and sold some things he bought you that you determined to be not your style, plus put aside the money Taiju paid you for your work with his restaurant, so you could afford it.

Probably.

Hopefully.

You helplessly looked up at Taiju, trying to ask him for advice, but he merely shrugged, shaking his head.

Useless, I tell you.

Useless.

You smile a tight-lipped smile at the jeweler.

“Sorry, may I take a second to ask my partner’s sister?”

The jeweler smiled politely.

“Naturally, ma’am.”

You needed the gift to be perfect.

After a couple of lengthy conversations with Mitsuya and Hakkai, you decided to finally grow some balls and ask Takeomi out, for real, for a real cutesy cheesy date.

What’s the worst that can happen?

🔖Taglist (closed):

@1818cigarettes @dilf-city @wakasa-wifey @rinsie @kisekihany @missarabellla @bajifairyy @cryszus @r-xochitl @emilywaters @m0rrax @levistiddies @bxnten @spookygeto @graythecoffeebean @yukihime-mikeys-girl @mukounisuru-gashadokuro @sunahyejin @crybabylisa @yamaguccitadashi @minoozi @trashmemebitch @frogtits1 @sup-zfam @whydohumansss @xashiui @bontens-whore @nqctre @kennyb0y @chaoticyuna @haitanihime @adeptiixiao @denkis-slut @wakasagurl @dontfollowmelol @yukimaniac @marrymemanjiro @icedsnowbow @somniari-94 @haikyuu-simps-assemble @gulfkfl @lumi-does-some-stuff @hana-patata @snowyseungs @sanzuswh0re @itsyournumber1whore @lem0nsquizy @nana-phobia @nina-and-the-mirror-realm (second taglist in the comments! please let me know if i forgot to tag you 💕)

[floatingstirnerhead]

lame but i appreciate your posts about marxism sm. my ex was ML and was mentally controlling overall. she would treat me like a demon against the people if i even slightly questioned her rants. like saying i think that The ppl are Stupid if i said a lot of them will have no interest in reading marx and lenin. when she was the one implying theyre too dumb to come up w ideas outside of those people. it can be hard for me to question it bcos of the way she treated me but ur posts bring me out of it

I don't remember the post but thank you.

I've honestly known decent people who were/are MLs but like.... you really can't get past that they support regimes that actively tried to kill people like me. It's not "uwu why won't you left unity" like.... no bitch that's it! No unity with people who will justify my state-sanctioned imprisonment and death!

It's so demoralizing trying to organize around people who literally just want to be the dictators of the revolution, but I take solace in the fact that every ML project from the past 100 years has ended in totally predictable embarrassment and every day they get more out of touch with worldwide revolt.

[science-fiction-is-real]

In which i talk about joseph stalin for a long time and also about intersectionality

You know who i’ve been reading a lot about recently?

Joseph Stalin.

And I’ve been reading, and while i’m at work all day, working mostly alone, no music or distractions, i’ve been thinking about everything i’ve been reading.

and this fucker who died before my parents were even born has been on my mind, because i just don’t fucking get it.

This idiot was a revolutionary.  a god damn REVOLUTIONARY.  Did hard time in siberia as a political prisoner.  (I mean, probably also a prisoner for all the organized crime he was doing---to fund the REVOLUTION)  That’s not the sort of thing a grifter, who is only interested in power, gets into.  It’s an absolutely terrible grift.  It’s a lot of risk to take if you aren’t a true believer.

And in between all the bank robberies and what not, he edited a newspaper and did a lot of writing.  There’s a database online where you can read pretty much everything Stalin ever wrote (Along with pretty much every thing pretty much every other famous Marxist ever wrote).  I can’t really bring myself to read too much of his stuff.  Eww.  Why would I want to.  Gross.  But also I feel like i should in the name of fact checking, and understanding what I’m talking about before I talk about it.

But the stuff i did read, was...... not terrible....? Some of it was replying to other socialist writing (because what do lefties enjoy more than arguing with other lefties, amiright???), a lot of it was old fashioned marxist stuff talking about working class vs capitalists, and a lot of it was describing legitimate complaints about the Czarist government.  Expressing anger at the pogroms and the suppression of ethnic minorities and hunger and poverty.  Sounds like a good reason to have a revolution to me.

Of course, those were all the same sorts of atrocities he himself would go on to do.  again.  eww.

But, after all of this, it’s pretty clear to me that pre-revolutionary Stalin was a true fuckin believer.

And that kept me up at night.  Because how come that would change when he himself came into power?

Is it because once you’re handed power, the temptation to abuse it is just far too great?  Is it because when the revolution is over, and the complexities of the ‘’Real World,’’ are obvious, and it’s all to easy to abandon idealism in order to get things done?  Are all post-revolutionary periods destined to be violent and oppressive, because the new government wants to assert its power?  How much blame does he get personally, and how much goes to the other founders of the revolutionary movement--Lenin and Trotsky and the like-- who laid the groundwork for how things would function?  IS socialism itself just cursed to fail like my republican grandma told me?

Or is this just a classical example of the other thing our republican grandmas warned us about, radical idealists turning cranky and cruel and conservative in old age just like they did? I mean what sort of things did stalin do while in power?  A lot of pretty republican things.  LMAO.  Banning the gays and abortion, enforcing strict gender norms, getting TOUGH ON CRIME!  Beefing up the military on money that should be used to provide for people’s basic needs....

If the right gets to try and pass off Hitler as a socialist, the left gets to say that Stalin was a moderate republican.  (Not full republican.  I mean, he did actually react appropriately when he found out there were Nazis in his country.  Just moderate republican.)  LMAO!

But then i thought about it a little more.

No.  He was not a right winger.  No one who spends the first half of his adult life trying to overthrow a government that had been ruling for 300 years is a god damn fucking right winger.  He was left wing.  But.....  Old timy left wing.

Because he did make good on a lot of the socialist ideas while in office.  I’m pretty sure he set up a fairly solid welfare state, free housing and education and healthcare and whatnot.  That was pretty new and revolutionary for the time.

But... Old timy left wing.

and if you think about old timy left-wingers.  most of them are only left wing in SOME areas.  The right absolutely LOVES to point this out.  ‘’Sure Margaret Sanger was a radical feminist, but she was also a racist!’’  ‘’This person was a racist, this person was homophobic!  All your icons are fake frauds!’’  I mean, they probably were all racist and homophobic and whatnot, but that doesn’t actually deminish the radicality of the stuff they were ‘’woke’’ on.

And that’s true for the pre-marxist left too.  We can hate on Thomas Jefferson all day long for being a creepy rapy slave owner and rich asshole who should have been tarred and feathered and  (sorry, i brought up thomas jefferson, i have to go take 5 and cool down before i punch something)  But he still was..... left.  To say ‘’all men are created equal,’’ even if you just mean straight white men, was still kind of radical in the 18th century, when the world was still divided up between the gentry and the common men, and people were presumed to have class status that was bred into them and was part of their very inner nature.  The idea that you could just throw out the idea of a nobility ruling class, or the monarchy, and initiate some sort of meritocracy based system, was out of this fucking world at that point.

And you can say the say the same thing about the russian revolutionaries.  You can criticize them up and down and left and right for being undemocratic, but the idea that wealth should be something everyone has guaranteed access to, that no one should hold economic power over you, that working people deserve some sort of dignified recognition for what they do, that was--AND STILL IS--radical.

Lenin, who lived in monarchical empire, saw the western countries move away from monarchies and embrace our versions of Western Capitalist Democracy (TM).  He decided his revolution would go in a different direction, one of economic instead of political democracy.  The western style of revolution had been tried, and now it was time to try out an eastern style of revolution.

I think he would have said something like ‘’look, ya’ll in france and england can vote, and i’ve been to france and england.  Those places suck ass.  You’re poor and hungry and miserable and working 10 hours a day for shit pay and going home to your crammed tenement apartments before dying of cholera at the age of 12.  Hell of a lot a good DeMoCrAcY does.  We need ECONOMIC democracy instead.’’  

I do remember a quote from lenin, that said something along the lines of ‘’Yes, my system isn’t ‘democratic’ but if you think about it, it’s a hell of a lot more democratic than anything they’re doing in capitalist countries.’’

Of course, we modern folk who fancy ourselves so enlightened by hindsight will point out that you need BOTH economic and political democracy.  A democratic government being run alongside an undemocratic economy is oppression. Anyone who lives in the United States and has read more than three books in their life can see this.  It SUCKS.  Likewise.  An egalitarian economy being run by an undemocratic government is also oppression, because the government can do whatever it wants to the economy, like, say.... sell all the country’s food on the international market to fund various different 5-year-plan projects.  Had Stalin been subjected to democratic processes, he never would have been allowed to do that.

In the early 20th century, there wasn’t really much of a concept of INTERSECTIONALITY.  in the modern left, we pretty much agree that if you want to have freedom and equality in one sphere of life, you also need to pursue freedom and equality in other spheres.  Oppression is contagious.  If you allow discrimination against Gays for example, this leads to discrimination against the sexes because people are going to be forced into stricter and stricter gender norms.  And of course, if you want political equality under the law, you also need racial equality so that one group of people isn’t disenfranchised from voting or fair treatment by the courts.

Just like how political democracy has to happen alongside economic democracy.

So yeah, I guess after the end of all this long ranting and shit.  I think it makes sense why a serious revolutionary true believer like Stalin can grow into a tyrant.  Because Old timy left-wing politics was underdeveloped and had lots of blind spots.  People didn’t realize that it was important for movements to be led by people who were seriously committed to intersectional emancipation.  Young Stalin when he would go hang out with all of his socialist dude-bro friends, planning their bank heists, wearing their newsboys hats, trying not to die of cholera,  he probably wasn’t being called out on sexism or racism.  They were just an economic-left movement that didn’t care much about the other stuff.

But there isn’t really a whole lot to gain by doing a character analysis on some ass wipe who kicked the bucket before color television was even invented.  All the terrible things he did and all the good intentions, sincere or not, that he had, that is between him and whatever God is governing this bitch of a universe. We on the left know better than to look at individuals to answer important questions, we know to look at systems.  And gather lessons so that we can build better movements in the future.

Yeah, whatever, intersectionality.

Sorry this was so long and poorly written.  I shall cite no sources and do no editing.  Fuck you.  Thanks for reading.

[shootwinterfest]

GenXmas

Shoot Secret Santa by @hufflepufflovespizza!

        The snow started coming down heavy in buckets on the streets, blanketing New York in deep banks of ice and real snow; not white blankets as seen in certain television holiday movies. 

        Shaw looked out of the frosty apartment window with furrowed brows, she was glad to not be out in the bitter cold. Glad her robot boss believed in holidays even if she didn’t. Shaw walked back over to her comfortable couch and sat down to clean her gun while an old black and white holiday movie played in the background on the television. As soon as she sat down, Root moved her feet to fit under Shaw’s legs. Root had her glasses on as she worked on her laptop. It did not go unnoticed by Shaw that Root had her feet tucked up under her legs to keep warm. 

        “Hey, I’m not a human blanket. Get a real blanket,” Shaw threw over a blanket on the edge of the couch and hit Root in the face. 

        “Your legs are much warmer and then I get to see your face when I do this,” Root pulled the blanket down on her lap as she ran her foot completely under Shaw’s leg, moving up further along her thigh. Shaw scowled back at her. 

        “Jesus, Root your feet are like blocks of ice, put some fucking socks on,” Shaw grabbed one foot with her hand and began rubbing it. Her slightly, rough calloused hand over the smooth skin of Root’s ankle back and forth, massaging her arch and getting a moan as a result. 

        “Can you rub another cold part of my body?” Root raised her eyebrows and stared hard at Shaw. 

        Shaw rolled her eyes but didn’t move the foot, so Root ran her foot up higher. 

        “Did you put this movie on?” Shaw pointed to the television. 

        “No, I think it’s one of her choices again,” Root went back to typing on her laptop, not glancing at the television. 

        “Tell your robot girlfriend to stop commandeering the television,” Shaw rubbed Root’s harder which got the hacker’s attention away from her laptop. 

        The Machine at times was known to switch the television in the apartment on many occasions. Shaw would go into a rage when the Machine changed the channel during a sporting event she was watching. The Machine didn’t seem to be into sports as much as after life comedies, warm-hearted baking competitions and haunted house family dramas. 

        Root smirked; she stopped typing and moved her laptop off her lap. She leaned over to Shaw and whispered in her ear as she ran her nose over Shaw’s neck. 

        “She knows how much you enjoy the Great British Baking Show,” Root’s mouth latched onto Shaw’s neck. 

        Shaw growled back, “Bake off.” She was losing the will to keep fighting as Root’s mouth sucked harder on her neck. 

        Before Root could come back with a witty comeback, Shaw pinned her down on the couch and crashed their lips together. Root responded immediately by wrapping her legs around Shaw’s torso. Shirts were discarded quickly and if it was up to Shaw pants would be next as she needed more than dry humping.

        KNOCK. KNOCK. 

        Root and Shaw both whipped their heads to the front door of the apartment with confused expressions. 

        “Did She tell you anyone was stopping by?” Shaw asked in between labored breaths, she was still pissed that no matter how many times she had sex with Root the damn annoying woman could leave her literally breathless every time. 

         Shaw grabbed her tank top from the floor and pulled it on over her head. 

        “No, so at least this person must not be a threat,” Root smiled big while pulling her shirt over her head. “So it must be a nice surprise.” Although, she was disappointed they were interrupted. 

        Shaw scowled back at Root. 

        “Nice, my ass. When has the Machine ever delivered a nice surprise?”

        “Maybe it’s a pineapple pizza?” Root raised her eyes mischievously and tilted her head. 

        Shaw looked back at Root and scowled even harder, she kept her hand on the glock in the back of her jeans as she opened the door. She opened the door cautiously, ready to attack if need be. 

        “Hi Shaw,” there in the doorway was a young familiar kid with beautiful curly hair and a wide grin. “It’s been awhile, you look almost the same but a little more haggard. Saving people might not be good for your skin.” 

        Shaw’s mouth hung open. “Gen? What are you doing here?” She poked her head out in the hallway and looked back and forth. 

        “I got a text message giving me your address and saying you invited me for winter break,” Gen pulled out her phone to show Shaw. 

        Shaw squinted at the text. It was the to the point with no stupid emoijs, the Machine was getting creepy good at matching Shaw’s typing and speech patterns.  

        A huge grin spread across Root’s face, she had not been privy to this plan by the Machine; that sneaky bitch sometimes. She stood up from the couch and waltzed over to the doorway.  She had heard so much about Gen mostly from the Machine, but a few bits here and there from Shaw. She had always wanted to meet Gen and hoped one day she would get the chance. Shaw always kept the Lenin medal in a safe place, no matter how many times they moved.

        “Did you not text me?” Gen furrowed her brows and stared at Shaw. Then to her surprise another woman appeared in the doorway standing next to Shaw. 

        Shaw gritted her teeth. Of course she hadn’t sent a text inviting a kid to spend the silly ass holidays with her. She hadn’t even really paid attention that it was the holiday season. 

        “If you didn’t, I guess I could go back to the school campus,” Gen’s face fell, she shuffled her feet together on the wooden floor, there was a small suitcase sitting next to her. 

        Root looked back and forth between Shaw and Gen, she couldn’t let this opportunity go, plus she didn’t want to see a kid turned away. She hadn’t realized it was so close to the holidays; they had been very busy lately saving numbers and testing out new things with the Machine. Not to mention now that Harold disappeared there was more coding on her end and overall admin duties along with her analog interface duties. 

        “Hi, I’m Root,” she offered her hand to Gen. “Of course she sent the text, she’s being modest.” She pulled the young girl’s arm gently, bringing her fully into the apartment and closed the door. 

        “Shaw? Modest?” Gen squinted her eyes at the tall, lanky woman. She looked at the woman and really studied her. Her eyes took in the loose t-shirt and what seemed to be pajama shorts and she really wondered who this woman was and why she was at Shaw’s apartment. Then she thought, the best way to get intel sometimes was to infiltrate. “Hi, I’m Gen.”

        “I’ve heard a lot about you,” Root smiled warmly at Gen then glanced to Shaw who was scowling at her. “Maybe not from Shaw directly, but from Harold and another…mutual friend.” 

        Gen had no idea who this woman was or who the mutual friend was, but she definitely knew Harold. The man that had changed her life by sponsoring her at the swanky school, which sometimes still felt like Hogwarts to her. Shaw didn’t really seem the type to have friends over to hang out. Maybe they were working a mission? She really hoped they were working a mission. She looked around the sparse living room and saw two laptops on a coffee table next to organized gun parts and various computers parts strewn about messily. Could be a mission, but they also looked like they were in their pajamas. 

        “Please, come in,” Root motioned with her hands and offered to take Gen’s coat. 

        Shaw threw up her hands and moved so Gen could enter the apartment fully. 

        “Is this a stake out for a mission?” Gen filed away this information. “What kind of mission is it this time?”

        Shaw rolled her eyes. 

        “Why would I give you my address if this was a stake out?”

        “Did Shaw tell you about the mission we worked together?” Gen turned to Root and looked up at her with a big smile. “I’m going to make a great spy one day.”

        Root did remember that this kid basically almost took down the whole HR bad guys with her cassette recordings; she was impressed with this young woman. And the Machine was always keeping an eye on Gen; she was definitely potential Primary Asset if she wanted the job one day. 

        “No, we’re not on a stakeout,” Shaw crossed her arms against her chest. “How long is winter break?”

        “Two weeks,” Gen grinned back to Root who returned her grin, then both turned to Shaw who rolled her eyes. 

        Shaw wanted to groan loudly, but kept it inside. Two weeks. They had numbers to save. Possible other missions. And other things that wouldn’t be good for a tween to see or know of thought Shaw. 

        “Through Christmas and New Year’s,” Gen looked around the sparse apartment. “You’re not much for decorating are you Shaw?”

        Root smiled watching Gen talk to Shaw. 

        “So if this isn’t a stake out or mission. Who are you?” Gen stared at Root. 

        “She’s a co-worker,” Shaw snapped back to the young teenager. She thought adding, ‘co-worker with benefits’ wouldn’t be a good visual for Gen and it would probably piss off Root. And she wanted the benefits later tonight. 

        Root glared at Shaw, then her face softened at the confused expression on Gen’s face. 

        “Well, it’s getting late, I’m sure you’re tired,” Root offered. “Unless…you’re hungry?”

        “No, I’m okay.” Gen walked slowly, checking out the apartment more. “It’s less than a week from Christmas, no decorations?”

        “Do I look like a tinsel kind of person?”

        “No,” Root and Gen answered at the same time. 

        Root motioned to Shaw, raised her eyebrows and nodded down to the couch with some gun parts sprawled across it. 

        “You can take the couch,” Shaw picked up various parts of her gun. She didn’t like to admit to herself that her and Root had been sharing a bed since the fall of Samaritan. At first it was mostly celebratory, then it was finically practical and now she wasn’t sure what it was. She wasn’t going to make a big deal of it and thankfully Root didn’t either. 

        “Do you live here?” Gen asked looking at Root. 

        Root looked like a deer caught in headlights, she had almost a literal thought bubble over her head with dots appearing and disappearing while she opened and closed her mouth several times. 

        “How about tomorrow we get a Christmas tree and some decorations?” Root smiled at Gen as she closed her laptops and moved them both to the kitchen table. 

        Shaw groaned, she walked over to the kitchen and poured two glasses of water. She walked back over and set a glass of water on the coffee table near Gen. 

        “If you need anything, don’t wake me up,” Shaw put a pillow down on the couch and an extra blanket. 

        Bear trotted over and sat down in between Root and Shaw. Shaw furrowed her brows while Root couldn’t hold down a smirk. 

        “You have a dog?” Gen asked with a smile. “Oh wait, is this the dog you talked about?”

        Bear looked up between Root and Shaw, he then went over and sniffed Gen. Bear was getting older now but still went on a few missions here and there. 

        “We don’t have Bear, he’s his own dog.” Shaw let out a deep sigh. Had she just said ‘we’, she cursed herself. And she noticed that Root’s grin got wider at her slip. 

        Gen looked around the apartment and only saw one bedroom. She wanted clarification if this Root woman lived here too along with Bear, but didn’t want to push with too many questions right away, sometimes to get the best information, the timing has to at a good calibration. Tomorrow she would do some reconnaissance like checking coat closets for multiple coats, checking the master bathroom for two toothbrushes and testing Root’s knowledge of kitchen inventory – all giveaways of co-habitation. 

        “Get some sleep kid…” Shaw nodded to Gen then shuffled off to the bedroom. “…see you in the morning.” 

        Shaw walked off to the bedroom. Root and Gen watched her. 

        “Very nice to meet you Gen, hope you sleep well,” Root smiled as she trailed after Shaw and closed the bedroom door. 

        In their bedroom, Root tilted her head, she never really thought of the bedroom as their bedroom but she had been mostly living with Shaw since the take down of Samaritan. Shaw’s apartment was the only place she stayed when she wasn’t on an out of town mission; except for nights she got too tired working at their new subway location and spent the night in her purple dorm room as Shaw called it. 

        Shaw exited the bathroom and got into bed. She looked over at Root who had that ‘the Machine was downloading information into her brain’ look. 

        “What is she telling you? Is Gen okay?”

        “Yes, she’s fine. She got bullied last week at school when it was revealed she started a Santa blog,” Root looked over to Shaw with her brows furrowed. 

        “A Santa blog? Gen? The girl who’s going to be a spy? The girl who actually made me when I was trailing her? The kid who nearly took down HR with her low tech recordings?”

        Root walked over and crawled into bed with Shaw, it wasn’t lost on either of them that sleeping in the same bed while talking about a kid seemed very domesticated. 

        “It appears that Gen is running a Santa blog for kids with questions for the magical bearded man with eight reindeer.” Root scooted down on the bed and laid down on her side facing Shaw. “And it’s a place digitally for kids to send letters to Santa since some kids don’t know what stamps are.”

        Shaw rolled her eyes. She continued sitting up in bed. Root snaked her arm around Shaw’s waist. Shaw would have stopped Root’s roaming hands, except the hacker had been gone for two weeks and while she didn’t do lonely; she did get horny and nobody compared to Root. Not even herself. In a swift few seconds she was straddling Root’s hips while Root’s hands were already dipping underneath her sweatpants, firmly grabbing her ass. Shaw was leaning over Root, staring at her lips until she inched closer and closer. Root wiggled underneath her in anticipation of Shaw’s lips and tongue in her mouth. 

        “Shaw?” was heard through the door. 

        The muffled shy, yell was heard by both women who stilled their amorous actions. Shaw stayed motionless on top of Root. 

        “What Gen?” Shaw yelled back towards the living room, but sounded more like a growl. 

        “I think there’s something wrong with your TV,” Gen yelled back. “It’s stuck on some baking show.” 

        Root couldn’t help but let a little giggle slip out. Shaw raised herself up on her knees then stormed out of the bedroom back into the living room. By the time she got back to the bedroom, Root was fast asleep.

*****

        The next morning Root, Shaw and Gen were sharing pancakes around the kitchen table, courtesy of Shaw’s cooking. 

        “So probably too many secret missions to go Christmas tree shopping yet?” Gen thought to herself, she was going to start her investigation into what the relationship was between Shaw and her co-worker Root. She didn’t necessary want to jump to conclusions since the two were sharing a bedroom; maybe Root usually took the couch when she stayed over Gen started developing multiple theories. 

        “We’ve been busy kid,” Shaw wanted to add saving the world and too many dumb ass people. 

        “Neither of us are big decorators and like Shaw said, it’s been busy,” Root added only a little more explanation to Shaw’s. 

        Gen seemed a little sad. “Usually, I have to spend the holidays at school or sometimes Harold would arrange a ski trip for me with other kids where there were always these big Christmas trees at lodges. I didn’t hear from Harold this year.” She pushed some food around on her plate. 

        Hearing Gen’s voice dip a little into sadness had Root flashing back to her own holidays when she was younger back in isolated small Texas town. 

        “How about we go get a tree?” Root said as she took a sip of her coffee and looked over to Shaw who gave her an annoyed look. 

        Shaw left the dishes for Root and Gen to do, she couldn’t shake how all domestic this felt. Normally, it would have her skin itching but this was Gen, she liked the kid. And it was Root. 

        While Gen helped Root with the dishes, she asked the co-worker some more questions, she was getting a really strong vibe this woman was Shaw’s romantic partner and not just her co-worker. Which made sense now as Shaw had scoffed when she first met her about dating some guy named John; however, Shaw called them both co-workers. She wondered if Shaw had any friends or just co-workers. And her first point for romantic partner over worker partner was that Root did know where all the dishes were kept in the kitchen. 

        After doing the dishes with Root, Gen was more puzzled Root didn’t seem to know where everything went, which lead to two more theories – either Root never cooked or she didn’t spend much time here in Shaw’s apartment. She would do some more snooping while Root left her to go get dressed. 

        Shaw felt a cold breeze hit her backside in the hot shower and immediately knew that Root had stepped inside with her. 

        “Root, what are you doing?” Shaw didn’t look back. She didn’t want to get an eyeful of something she couldn’t have at the moment. 

        “Thought you might need an extra hand,” Root moved slowly up behind Shaw, she leaned pushing her breasts against Shaw’s wet back while snaking her hand around Shaw’s waist. 

        “Gen is right outside,” Shaw croaked out with her eyes already closing and waves of arousal coursing through her body. She kind of hated how Root could turn her body on; it was as quick and easy as flicking a light switch. She was a highly trained operative, not some schmoopy person who only wanted to have sex with one person for the foreseeable future.

        Root smirked as she ran one hand over Shaw’s breast, giving a firm squeeze then pinching a hard nipple. 

        “Gen is in the living room,” both of Root’s hands were now squeezing and massaging Shaw’s breasts. “She’s in a completely different room. We are in the bedroom with the door closed, in the bathroom with the door closed and in the shower with the door closed.”

        “Thanks for the virtual tour of the apartment,” Shaw pushed back against Root needing more friction, heat pooling in the lower half of her body intensely. 

        “Well, we didn’t get to finish what we started last night,” Root brought her lips down on Shaw’s neck and started sucking, her hands trailed down Shaw’s stomach and slowly found it’s way to it’s much needed destination in between her legs. 

        Shaw spun around and pinned Root against the shower wall. She crashed their lips together and Root slipped her tongue into Shaw’s mouth. Root began to quietly moan when Shaw plunged her tongue into her mouth.  Suddenly, there was a loud CRASH. She sprang from the shower with shampoo still in her hair and clutching a towel as she sprinted into the living room. 

        Gen and Bear stood in the middle of the living room with shattered glass all around them. 

        “Sorry, Shaw…” Gen looked wide-eyed as she saw Shaw burst into the living room in a towel. “Bear and I were playing and broke some dishes. I’ll clean it up,” Gen’s face was all scrunched up, Bear sat down and stared at Shaw. “Do you have shampoo in your hair?”

        Shaw growled and went back to the bathroom. As she was entering the bathroom, Root was getting out of the shower. She let out a heavy sigh, despite the chill on her wet naked skin; Shaw could still feel Root’s warm fingers over and in her body and was very angry that there was going to be no happy ending to her shower. 

*****

        Before they left the apartment, Gen did notice that both Shaw and Root got out their winter coats from the hall closet. Score another point for romantic partners over work partners. She smiled to herself. 

        The Machine had them diverting to a Christmas store before going to the Christmas tree lot for decorations. Shaw scoffed at not believing there was a whole store devoted to selling Christmas crap. She followed along behind Root and Gen as they filled their cart with lights, ornaments and way too many holiday themed toys for Bear that was necessary. 

        After shopping for far too long by Shaw’s standards, they all stopped at a holiday themed café for hot chocolate and cookies. Shaw didn’t mind the snack break. As they were sitting enjoying their holiday treats, Root got that Machine look on her face. Shaw knew that Root Machine look all too well, she nudged Root’s knee with her knee under the table. 

        “What’s going on?” Shaw asked in between bites of snowflake shaped cookies. 

        Gen noticed the small physical action Shaw did under the table with her knee, another point for romantic partners. 

        “It’s work,” Root replied while taking out her phone and typing something on it. 

        Gen furrowed her brows, a point also for work partners. Before she could ask a question, Root and Shaw excused themselves to talk privately. The almost teenager watched the two intense women become even more intense with each other as they looked like they were arguing. Shaw threw up her hands and walked back over to the table. 

        “So kid, wanna work another mission?” Shaw let out a deep sigh. 

        “Yes! My Christmas wish came true!” Gen pump fisted in the air, jumped up from her chair and smiled at Shaw and Root. 

        The Machine had informed Root who had instructed Gen and Shaw that they were to infiltrate a Christmas tree lot as workers to help someone. What surprised Root was that both Shaw and Mini-Shaw as she was calling Gen now, refused to wear their costumes for the mission. 

        “No, we are not going to be elves,” Shaw crossed her arms against her chest and Gen mimicked her action. 

        “Yeah, no way,” Gen scoffed and followed Shaw’s stern look. 

        “Hey, if she’s not doing it neither am I. And she runs a Santa blog so there,” Shaw pushed the elf costume Root had given her back into her hands. 

        “How do you know about my blog?” Gen asked with wide eyes. She moved closer to Root and Shaw and whispered to them, “I guess as spies you two are like Santa, watching every hour of every day. Seeing everything.”

        Both Shaw and Root turned to each other then just nodded and shrugged. 

        “Well, no elves. No mission,” Root tilted her head to Gen and raised her eyebrows, adding a hard stare. 

        Gen only had to think for half a second before she knew she wasn’t going to miss her chance to work on another real mission again; even if that meant being in a dorky holiday costume. 

        “C’mon Shaw, let’s elf it up,” Gen gave Shaw a smile. 

        After Gen convinced Shaw to be the angriest elf, they were dressed from head to toe as Santa’s helpers, complete with jingle hats and pointy shoes. Gen got into the mission spirit, not the holiday spirit in her outfit as they began their task of locating and saving the number while Shaw remained grumpiest elf ever. 

        Thankfully, saving the number was one of the easiest missions. The three elves saved the day and their fellow elf worker at the Christmas tree lot and without telling Gen about the all-knowing artificial intelligence checking the naughty and nice list, not only twice but a few googol times. 

        Gen couldn’t contain her excitement as they walked the streets after their successful mission, “That was so cool!”

        “It would be cooler if we could change out of these silly ass outfits now,” Shaw grumbled. 

        Root stopped walking, Shaw and Gen turned back to her to see what caught her attention. 

        “Do you want to build a snowman?” Root asked Shaw and more specifically Gen. 

        “Let’s go and play,” Gen’s face lit up, making her look even younger than her twelve, almost thirteen years. And she was so dangerously close to breaking into song but judging by Shaw’s scowl she decided against it. 

        “No,” Shaw spat out. 

        “It doesn’t have to be a snowman,” Root grinned to Shaw. “We could build a snow person and we could win a prize.” 

        Root pointed up to a sign that read – ‘BUILD A SNOWMAN CONTEST’. 

        One of the borough parks was taken over and turned into a holiday village with all kinds of activities from building snow people and ice-skating to competitive snow ball fights. 

        Shaw shook her head; she guessed it made sense since a lot of New York snow was disgusting from garbage and urine. She let out a long, deep sigh as she resigned herself to participating in more holiday crap. 

        “Fine, I’ll help build a snowman as long as nobody sings that song,” Shaw headed towards the holiday village with two happy elves following behind her. 

        Gen ran and caught up with Shaw, “You know the song?”

        “I know it’s a very annoying ear worm created by Disney to sell toys,” Shaw glanced over Gen and was surprised such a smart kid was taken in by a princess story. 

        “No, it’s not. It’s a song about estranged sisters and one girl dealing with being different than everybody else and embracing it and loving herself,” Root said, with a raised voice laced with passion. 

        Both Shaw and Gen looked at Root surprised. 

        “What?” Root looked at both Shaw and Gen with her eyebrows raised. “Elsa is a cultural icon…and gay.” Her smile was wide, and she did her ‘wink’ towards Shaw. 

        “You have a crush on an animated character?” Shaw shook her head and squinted her eyes at Root. 

        Gen put another point down on romantic partner versus work partner since Root basically acknowledged she was gay or bi and Shaw was clearly jealous of Elsa. And she made a note to talk Root and Shaw into getting Bear an Olaf stuffed animal. 

        As the three elves entered the contest and gathered their supplies, the Machine started talking to Root, giving strategy and best building techniques. Things were going well until a few teenagers wandered past the three elves building their snow person and heckled. 

        Shaw whipped her around to see what the annoying teenagers were saying. “Gen, do know those kids?”

        “Unfortunately, we go to school together,” Gen rolled her eyes and kept her focus on the snow person building. 

        Root and Shaw gave the kids the side eye as they continued to build their snow person. 

        “Leave it to Genrika to still believe in something as lame as Santa Claus, she’s probably writing fan fiction about him and his elves,” said one of the heckling teenagers. 

        “Hey, that’s disrespectful to fan fiction,” Root blurted out to the rude teenagers. 

        The tweens looked shocked Root and talked back to them. They lost interest in watching the three elves building a snow person and started to walk away. 

        “It’s pretty cool though that Gen has two moms,” said one of the tweens as they walked away. 

        Root, Shaw and Gen all froze. Then Gen got a huge grin on her face when she saw how angry Shaw looked. 

        “Not a word,” Shaw glared at Root who was beaming heart eyes at her. She picked up some snow, made a quick snowball and threw it Root. 

        Gen giggled so Shaw threw a snowball at her too. 

        The three elves worked together building a big snow person with big muscles, Shaw insisted the snow person have snow muscles. Root insisted the snow person be holding a candy cane in each hand. She was going to say two guns but Shaw cut her off before she finished verbalizing her idea. 

        All three of them were surprised they ended up getting third place. Shaw was mad, she felt they deserved at least second place, she lamented this on the walk home many times. Root and Gen laughed watching how invested Shaw had become over the contest. Once Root and Gen started singing, ‘Do You Want To Build A Snowman?’, Shaw rolled her eyes and walked further ahead of them; putting as much distance between herself and the two nerds. 

*****

        The rest of the few days went by quickly, even Shaw agreed. The three of them did some holiday related activities along with some more Root and Shaw activities. Shaw taught Gen how to dissemble and reassemble six different types of guns. Root taught Gen how to hack into her school system and few other places that Shaw didn’t know about. Gen taught Shaw and Root how to play her favorite video game. Bear was happy to have another person around to play and rub his belly. 

        When Christmas morning finally arrived, three people who haven’t had the best Christmases in the past were all pleasantly surprised to wake up to find a tree filled with presents underneath. 

        The opening of presents went by in lightening fast rounds as no one had patience to wait much longer to see what was underneath. Shaw got some more black tank tops along with a new gun she wanted. Root got a new leather jacket and along with a start of the art high-powered server stored in a remote location that no one could hack. Gen got everything she could possibly wish for and more. 

        Root went digging around the tree and pulled out one more present and walked over to Gen. 

        “There’s one more present for you,” Root smiled as she handed over the wrapped represent to Gen. 

        Gen excitedly tore off the wrapping paper revealing top of the line headphones. 

        “Wow, these are top of the line headphones. For spying right?” Gen’s face lit up as her eyes darted back and forth between Root and Shaw. 

        “And noise cancelling…” Root looked over at Shaw longingly. “…for later when I give Shaw one last Christmas present.”

        “Ew, gross,” Gen replied even though she was smiling. And that point pushed the tally over the edge, romantic partners for the win over work partners. 

[majorgarrett93]

5 Guests Check Out

Jim Harris, a mortician at the age of 79 has been reported dead but there’s no evidence as he was technically missing. On his last day of work, he had five different “customers” that were all strangers to each other that died at different locations and different times of the day. There were only two things they had in common: the day of their death and strange causes of death.

  The Mask Nazi

Dimitri Lenin, age: 70  

Officially dead: 1:15 PM

  Dimitri worked as a manager at a store and when it came to the COVID19 mask mandate, he was a total Nazi and would scream at anyone that wasn’t wearing one. Once fired an employee because he saw him out in his car during lunchbreak not wearing one.

He also fired his hardworking employee Miranda saying, “women shouldn’t work”; He once kicked a black man out of his store referring to him a "gangbanger" and a mid-eastern kid referring to him a "little terrorist". He actually once followed an employee home to look inside his house to make sure he was wearing his mask still. He would pig out on junk food, was 200 pounds overweight, get smashed on vodka, sleep with hookers and beat his wife occasionally.

It was the weekend; his grandkids were coming over which he once told one that he should’ve been aborted. He was taking them to the theme park after drinking vodka and eating leftover stroganoff and as he gets his grandkids into his car, he sees his neighbor Vito across the street mowing his lawn and wasn’t wearing a mask. He tells him to “put one on now or go back inside and finish your spaghetti and Godfather marathon!”

Arrives at the theme park only to abandon his grandkids which the oldest was seven out of the three and goes across the street to a bar getting wasted and pigging out on greasy foods for an hour, shoved his skintight mask on as well as his face shield, leaving the waiter no tip.

He goes over to the theme park to ride a roller coaster with his grandkids. From all the greasy rich foods he consumed along with all the alcohol, gets severe motion sickness when the roller coaster drops vomiting with a mask over his mouth, getting all over his grandkids but most went back down, he began to choke violently.

After the ride was over, went right over to the waterslides. Ex-employee Miranda just happened to be there. She wanted to kill him for firing her and for his sexist remark. She bitch slaps him and kicks him in the groin as well as the gut making him choke even more on his vomit, gets even sicker. Lifeguard John O’Connell asks if he needs any helps like calling 911 when he sees him wheezing for air and making a horrible, guttural scream, “fuck off, leprechaun mick!” he responds and then takes the last ride of his life down the waterslide first drowning on his own vomit then the bottom of the pool to finish him off. John helped him and tried everything he could but was already dead and it took him almost a minute to get his mask off. Asked if he was swimming or bathing in vodka and was legally drunk after performing CPR.  

 Basically Dead

Ashley Williams, age: 32

Officially dead: 2:44pm 

 Ashley was totally basic: worshipped T-Swift, drank a hundred PSLs every fall, would only drink Whiteclaw or vodka sodas at the bar, took selfies all the time…

She would manipulate people like getting guys to buy her drinks at the bar and all her boyfriends, she would spend hundreds of dollars in merchandise of theirs by either manipulating them or stealing their credit card from their wallets. Would shoplift at the mall and various stores all the time. One day her boyfriend was being abusive and was inconveniencing her because he had to take his own car to work that day and she had to take an Uber. Caught at the mall for stealing a diamond ring, security tried stopping her, confronted her asking to search her purse. She quickly replied,” No, I can’t even!” and took off running in stilettos. Cops were outside but she managed to outrun them and actually got away with it and was several streets and backstreets down, almost home. 

She lived not too far from the airport, got home, ready to go inside but unfortunately there was a huge plane crash, blowing her and her house to pieces.

 Supposi-Gory Joey DeVito, age: 27

Officially dead: 5:58pm 

 Joey lived in a flophouse apartment who was slamming dope like it was water. He did about every drug known to man. Got involved with the mafia at the age of seventeen, had promise as a gangster to become rich and quit while he was still ahead but fell into a severe drug habit which he was always high and late to several places he was supposed to meet up with his people. They had it with Joey after he failed to show up and wanted him whacked.

He went back to his apartment after scoring dope all day and walking to the store for a can of spray paint and 2 bottles of whisky. He was higher than a kite by 4:30pm. He had downed a whole bottle of whisky, shot dope, took several pills and finished off several rocks in his pipe.

Joey felt like he wanted to get higher, spray paint did part of the trick then got so strung out, got the idea of doing an alcohol enema to get drunk quicker; It was a real “pain in the ass”. He was bleeding profusely from his bowels in the bathroom but couldn't feel anything since he was so high.

Meanwhile, the mob had sent their hitman, Anthony “Fast Bullets” Rossi to whack him and was on his way. Arrived and tore his door down ready to pump him full of lead.

Entered his apartment, only to find he had dropped dead a few minutes prior, still had a temperature when feeling his skin. Found him dead, naked on the bathroom floor covered in blood and whisky, enema inside him and lying next to a brown bag and a can of spray paint.

 Deaths-Bed Revisited

Paul Hayden, age: 80

Officially dead: 10:35pm

 Paul had been retired for over a decade but just got a job as a janitor to distract himself from the grief of his wife that died in a car accident. He had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and cancer which he was prescribed pills for his pain.

He came home looking for his wife as he started losing memories frequently and reported to the police she was missing and thought she was kidnapped or ran off until they reminded him that she’d been dead for 2 years. He has dinner with a bottle of whisky and takes all the pills he has.

Paul is found dead with a note saying he’s happier with his wife in heaven now.

 Trouble with the Perv

Todd Weiner, age: 72 

Officially dead: 11:14pm

Todd was a total perv wanted for exposing himself on multiple occasions but would run off before police were even there, would often be drunk and pass out in the bushes in a random location. One night after scoring cash panhandling, he gets wasted at the bar and police get reports of an intoxicated man in the park and come after him for indecent exposer. While flashing someone in the park, he ran hearing sirens but forgot to close his trench coat and it came off. He ran completely nude down the street and stopped at the adult store stealing several items. He was wanted for shoplifting, but it only took him about a minute being a frequent customer, was a mile down the street running with a bag of sex toys and a blow-up doll in the other hand. Cops found him, he was by the edge of a cliff highly intoxicated and enjoying himself too much. One cop tells him to put his hands up but he runs, fired at him but only got him in the leg so he was OK. Falls off the cliff but even that didn’t kill him. There was a house with an inground pool below which caught him but was so intoxicated that he drowned.

 The Dark Man

Jim Harris, age: 79

Officially dead: ?

 Jim was just off work after a long day and was last seen leaving before midnight; He was telling stories to his coworker about weird events happening in his house like cracks in the wall that showed up and disappeared as well as a man he believed to be following him and often saw from the corner of his eye while at home. Everyone thought Jim was on drugs or crazy until his disappearance which hasn’t been solved, no trace or evidence.