#evidently also has very big self harm and self hatred problem and thought that it would never matter bc the clone would disappear and is

[aromanticannibal]

i find myself in a pickle because i created a situation that can never happen in real like and has incredibly strange circumstances and then put a thing that can very much happen in the fic and is very bad and now idk how ot deal with it

[allmycrushesaredead]

Sad

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480694/chapters/59088052

Summary:  

Patton needs help, and finally, he gets it. Can be seen as a continuation of my previous fic, Happy.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, self-esteem issues, self-harm, panic attacks, cutting

ANGST!! You have been warned!

Originally published on 06-01-2020

Words: 2828

Chapters: 1/?

Patton didn't think that anyone noticed.

After all, he had done this several times before, although never to this extent.

But, if they hadn't noticed it before, they wouldn't notice now. At least, that's what Patton told himself.

He knew that a part of him wanted them to notice, wanted them to help him, to make him stop…

He wanted to stop…

Except he didn't.

He didn't want them to find out, didn't want them to take this away from him, not now that he was so dependent on it.

Patton shook his head in an attempt to clear it, stowing his razor away in his sock drawer.

Stop feeling bad for yourself , he thought, wrapping his arm with his bandages and pulling on a long sleeve shirt. You did this to yourself so suck it up. Put on that smile everyone expects you to have and go out there and take care of the others.

Patton spared one last glance at his reflection before plastering on the smile and stepping out to greet the other sides.

---

Logan was the first to notice.

To be fair, he wasn't particularly prone to notice changes in emotion, or even to recognize emotion in general, but he was quite skilled at recognizing changes in patterns, behaviors, and routines.

Thus, it was reasonable that he would be the first to notice that something was abnormal.

At first, Logan only had suspicions that something was amiss. Nevertheless, he could not gather enough evidence that anything was truly out of the ordinary for quite some time. That is, until this morning.

He knew immediately when he woke at exactly 6:30 a.m. that something was off in the mind palace. Call it what you wish, a hunch, intuition, a sixth sense, something in the air did not feel right. Something was different, and he was not looking forward to witnessing the consequences of such a detour from routine.

Seven minutes later, Logan stepped out of his room, trivia book in one hand. He quietly shut the door behind him before turning to go down the stairs to the kitchen.

Before he could take more than two steps, Patton's door opened with a click, the moral side stepping into the hallway, dressed in… a long sleeve shirt? Confused by this unusual choice of clothing, Logan forgot to greet the side, only to be refocused by Patton's greeting of, "Morning, Logan!"

"Salutations, Patton. Did you sleep adequately?"

Patton twisted the end of his sleeve between his fingers before replying, "I slept alright. How about you?"

Logan's eyes locked on the nervous movement, confused. It was unlike Patton to present such behaviors. In fact, the nervous fidgeting was a behavior that Virgil expressed frequently.

Logan took mental note of this discovery before replying, "I slept the recommended amount for someone of our age, so I am suitability well rested."

"Oh. Good," was Patton's weak reply.

Under further examination, Logan noticed the dark marks blemishing the skin under Patton's eyes. Despite his claims, Patton clearly had not slept well, possibly not at all. Furthermore, Patton was always bright and bubbly, no matter how early he woke up, so his quiet demeanor was concerning.

Analyzing these findings in his computer-like mind, Logan decided to question Patton further in order to gather more information.

"Are you cold, Patton? I noticed you are not wearing your usual outfit."

Patton let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah, I'm just a little chilly," he remarked, not meeting Logan's eyes. "Don't worry, though, I'm fine. I'm nice and toasty in this shirt."

Logan watched as a bead of sweat traced a path down his neck. "Of course," Logan replied, deciding not to question the side any further at the moment. Unnecessary prying would only make it more difficult for him to determine the problem.

Taking a step towards the stairs, Logan turned to Patton. "Would you care to accompany me to make breakfast for the others?"

"Of course!" Patton replied. "Maybe the smell of food will lure the kiddos out of bed before noon!"

---

Several minutes later, Patton had procured a heaping stack of pancakes, along with a pan of bacon and scrambled eggs.

Logan gazed fondly at the fatherly side, whose tongue was poking between his teeth in concentration. He always seemed most in his element when he was taking care of others. It was quite endearing--

AUGHHH! Logan screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head. Bad Logic. Emotional attachment serves only as a barrier to advancement. Stop it.

He took a sip of his coffee to hide his frustrated blush. Glancing back at Patton, he noticed another peculiar detail. He had not rolled his sleeves up, despite the fact that he was cooking and, quite frankly, they were in the way. Even now, with flour coating the fabric, he made no effort to move them.

"Patton?" Logan called curiously. "Why are you not rolling up your sleeves? Surely it cannot be comfortable for them to be in the way and getting covered in food."

Patton froze, eyes widening, staring blankly at the pan in front of him. "Um… uh- it's not that b-big of a deal," he stuttered, still not meeting Logan's gaze.

Time seemed to stop as the puzzle pieces clicked into place. Logan's breath caught in his throat as he came to a conclusion. For the first time, he desperately hoped he was not correct.

"Patton," Logan said slowly, "show me your arm."

Patton dropped the spatula with a clatter, backing into the cabinet. Now he met Logan's eyes, panic clear in his face, even to Logan. "Please… please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry, please! Don't- don't- I- no-"

"Patton. Just breathe. I am not mad at you. I just want to help you and understand what is going on. So, please. Show me your arm."

Patton drew in a shaky breath, screwing his eyes closed and nodding. After a moment, he thrust out his sleeved arm, turning his face to the side, eyes still screwed shut.

Logan took a cautious step forward before gently gripping his extended hand and peeling back the sleeve. He breathed a small side of relief at the fact that it was bandaged, but quickly changed his mind when he noticed the supplies that Patton had used. He appeared to have used toilet paper that had been folded a few times over and secured with medical tape. No. This would not do.

Logan moved to remove the makeshift bandage before hesitating. "Patton?" he called gently.

The moral side made a small noise in response, cracking an eye open.

"Would you prefer to move this to a more private area, as well as one not in the same region as where we cook and eat?"

Patton gave a slight nod, gripping the logical side's hand tightly.

Slowly, Logan sank out of the kitchen, rising again in his own bathroom.

"Is this location adequate? I have more supplies in here that I can utilize than somewhere else."

Patton nodded again, opening his eyes slightly more.

"I am going to remove the bandage now," Logan said softly. "I will need both my hands, however, as well as a moment to wash them before I begin."

Reluctantly, Patton loosened his grip on Logan's hand, moving to clutch his thighs, digging his nails into the flesh before wincing, a hiss of pain escaping his lips.

Logan dried his hands on a towel before rummaging in the medicine cabinet and removing a few labeled and meticulously organized first aid kits and tubs.

He turned to Patton, who was still standing, staring blankly at the tiled floor. "Do you have any other wounds on other areas of your body?" Logan asked gently. "I noticed you seemed pained when you touched your thighs. I will not be mad if there were other areas, I merely wish to tend to any and all of your needs to assist you in any way I can."

"Arms and thighs," Patton murmured.

Logan nodded, pain and sympathy flaring up in his chest. The fire licked at his eyes, threatening to tear up. Taking a slow breath, Logan refocused.

"Could you remove the articles of clothing that are covering said areas?"

Patton nodded once more, wincing as he pulled his arms free of the shirt, tossing it on the floor before attempting to wriggle out of his pants. He didn't get very far before his belt scraped against his thigh, dragging a strangled cry from his lips. He teetered slightly from the rush of pain, almost toppling to the floor before Logan grasped his sides with two steady hands.

"I have you, you are alright," Logan assured, being careful not to bump Patton's arms.

Patton nodded again before shucking his pants off the rest of the way.

Logan continued to support him with one hand as he closed the toilet lid, pulling a towel from the rack to cover it.

"If you would sit here," he requested, guiding the side to the seat.

Snapping his fingers, Logan summoned a small stool. He hated summoning, but in a time such as this, it was the most logical decision.

Seating himself in front of Patton, Logan eyed the twin bandages on both his arms and legs before noticing Patton's hands frantically clenching and shaking. Reaching out his mind, he found a tool that would aid this problem. Snapping again, he summoned a stress ball shaped like an atom, Logan's personal favorite. Silently, he handed it to Patton, who took it gratefully. Now Logan began to remove the bandages on Patton's right arm. 

Despite his attempts to remain calm and passive, Logan felt his eyes widen at the sheer amount of cuts littering Patton's arm. From about an inch and a half from his wrist to about an inch from the crease in his arm, Patton's skin was utterly covered in cuts. There wasn't so much as a sliver of skin free from a mark, to the point where it appeared to be more cut than skin.

He also saw the remnants of old cuts above and below the fresh wounds. This was not the first time this has happened.

Tightening his grip on Patton's hand, Logan reached to the counter to grab an alcohol wipe. "I apologize in advance, Patton. This is going to hurt, but I need to ensure that you do not run the risk of an infection by not cleaning the wound."

Patton nodded again, screwing his face up in anticipation and clutching both Logan's hand and the stress ball like lifelines.

"One… two… three."

Logan swiped at the skin both as quickly and as effectively as he could, all the while trying to inflict as little pain as possible.

Patton let out a strangled scream, both from the burning alcohol and the pressure on the sensitive skin.

Logan began blowing cool air in the skin, hoping to quench the fire burning in Patton's arm. He watched, pain tight in his chest, as the veins stood out in Patton's neck, beads of sweat forming on his brow.

After a moment, Patton slumped back, taking a shaky breath.

Pulling out another tube, Logan squeezed a large dollop onto his fingers. "This is an antibiotic ointment," he informed the other side. "It also has a pain reliever in it, so this should not hurt as much." Slowly, he began spreading the ointment onto Patton's skin, covering each inch of skin with a thin layer before wiping the excess onto the towel.

"Now I am going to bandage it."

He took out a roll of medical tape, securing a length to each side of Patton's arm on either side of the wounds.

"What's that for?" Patton wondered aloud 

"This is just to secure the bandage so it does not slide around. It is placed under the bandage wrap to secure it to the skin, and in a few steps, I will twist the remaining tape around to attach to the top of the bandage itself."

Patton nodded thoughtfully, relaxing slightly at the knowledge that Logan was more experienced and knowledgeable than himself. He knew he was in good hands.

Logan placed a tongue depressor to either end of the tape. "This is just so the remainder of the tape does not stick to the skin, as I will use it later to tape the bandage."

Now he took out two non-adhesive pads, placing them over the cuts. "Do not move your arm," he warned. "Those are not secured in any way and I do not want them to fall."

Reaching again to his first aid kit, he pulled out a roll of cotton gauze. He slowly wrapped around the arm, then tore the end and set the roll back on the counter.

Now he took a roll of elastic gauze to secure the cotton one. This gauze was very thin and was basically just elastic strings fashioned into a fishnet pattern. However, it did its job well, holding down the fluffy earlier and somehow sticking to itself to secure it.

Now Logan removed the tongue depressors from the tape, twisting it where it stuck out under the gauze and taping it to the top.

"Almost done," he assured Patton, who seemed to be distracted from any pain caused by Logan's actions, seeming entranced by Logan's movement, watching him with fascination.

Logan smiled slightly to himself as he procured a cohesive wrap decorated with cartoon dogs and cats.

Patton let out a gasp of excitement, his eyes lighting up for the first time that day.

Logan chuckled lightly before freezing, slowly looking up at Patton.

"Did you just-"

"No, I did not, and whatever it is that you are asking, I do not know what you mean."

"But you-"

"No, I did not."

"You did! You just laughed!"

Logan groaned. "This stays between us, agreed?" He couldn't handle the looks he would receive from the other sides if they knew he was not the stone cold person he made himself out to be.

Patton's smile widened as he held out his pinky. "I pinky promise."

On any other day, Logan would have protested such childish activities, but he conceded, figuring that it would make Patton happy, which he needed desperately right now. "Pinky promise," Logan agreed, linking his pinky with Patton's. "Now, can I finish your wrap?"

Patton nodded, a smile still lingering on his face.

"This will stick to itself so it can stay in place," he informed the moral side.

As he began wrapping the bandages, Patton cheerfully announced, "You do have a cute little laugh, y'know."

Logan blushed furiously. "I thought that we had retired that topic of conversation."

"Nope!" Patton replied, popping the P. "I'm just so gosh-darn happy that you can laugh, kiddo! You hardly ever do it, so I thought that maybe your giggle box was broken or something!" Patton continued, a giggle of his own punctuating his statement.

Logan's face burned as he muttered, "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Sure thing, but we are gonna talk about this later, kiddo!"

Logan groaned again, but continued wrapping the father side's arm.

After a moment, he continued on to the next arm, repeating the steps as Patton rambled on about seemingly unimportant topics. Logan gave input every so often as he finished cleaning and wrapping all the cuts on Patton skin. The conversation helped distract Patton, which allowed the process to speed along uninterrupted.

Once Logan finished, he packed up his supplies, placing them into the medicine cabinet and helping Patton out of the bathroom and into Logan's room, all while he chattered happily about this and that.

Sitting down on the edge of Logan's bed, Patton watched as Logan rummaged through his drawers in search of something. Finally, he found what he was looking for, and he presented a pair of thin sweatpants and a thin, breathable long sleeve shirt to Patton.

"You can wear these," Logan explained when Patton looked confused. "They are looser and less stuffy and oppressive than what you were wearing."

Patton nodded. "Thank you."

"Of course. I will also wear a similar style outfit so as not to draw unnecessary attention to the fact that you are wearing long sleeves. I will also turn the air conditioning down a few degrees so neither of us overheat."

"I really appreciate it, Logan. Thank you for…" he paused, tears welling in his eyes. "For everything."

Logan nodded, then quickly changed into the comfortable clothes before helping Patton into his. "I do wish to talk with you about this. Not immediately, however," he added, saying panic flare up in Patton's eyes again. "Just... Sometime later. As for right now, I believe breakfast is still waiting for us downstairs. Let us go and get some food before the others finish it all."

Patton gave a small smile before taking Logan's arm once again and sinking back into the kitchen.

[slytherinknowitall]

To Bed A Death Eater

Chapter 2: Doubt

(Click here for chapter 1!)

Disclaimer: I don’t own the “Harry Potter” book series. The story of “Harry Potter” is the property of J. K. Rowling, it is not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Less than ten minutes later, there was a timid knock at her door, and Hermione would have been lying if she had said that that sound did not make her heart skip a beat.

Putting aside the book she’d been absentmindedly flicking through, she walked to the door with a rather stiff and unsteady gait before pulling it open to reveal the familiar figure of the Potions Master.

“Professor Snape,” she whispered breathlessly, trying hard to ignore the sudden lump in her throat. “Um, please, come in.”

Stepping aside, she watched as the man hesitantly took one cautious step into the crammed room; and the unusual sight of his visible wariness made her mentally smack her own forehead.

Of course. He can’t see!

“Here, let me help you,” she offered, reaching out her hand without a moment’s thought. When she touched his forearm, he drew a sharp intake of breath. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, sir.”

Snape did not say anything in response. For an agonizingly long time, they just stood like that in the doorway of her bedroom, her hand on his arm, the awkwardness in the air virtually palpable. It was only when there was suddenly the sound of commotion coming from downstairs that Hermione summoned up the nerve to pull him inside, locking the door behind them. Getting out her wand, she applied a silencing charm as well as some protective wards for good measure.

Better safe than sorry. It certainly wouldn’t do any good to have someone just barge in.

Turning back around to face him, she tentatively grabbed his elbow and guided him towards her bed. She could not help but silently cringe as she saw him there, seated on her tiny twin-size bed, thinking about what might be happening soon in that very spot. But alas, her small bedroom, which she had moved into a mere two months earlier, did not offer any other sitting accommodations. And so, though her heart was trembling so very terribly, she went and sat next to him.

For a while, neither one of them spoke. Kneading her fingers, the young woman struggled to ignore how uncomfortably close she presently was to her former teacher as she stared out the window overlooking the deserted street outside. Looking back, she could not have said with certainty whether it had only been a few minutes or several hours, but by the time the streetlights came on, she finally plucked up the courage to say, “I’m glad that you decided to come here so that we can talk in private.”

“I did not have much of a choice,” Snape admitted huskily. “Alastor practically pushed me upstairs while Albus tried to contain everyone else in the kitchen.”

“They’re still not very thrilled about this, aren’t they?”

He gave an affirmative grunt. “Most of them were ready to jump at my throat and kill me with their bare hands right there and then.”

“Oh …” Hermione had to swallow hard. “I’m sorry. They really ought not to treat you like that.”

“I don’t blame them. I truly have half a mind to turn my own wand on myself.”

A troubled frown creased Hermione’s forehead. There was an obvious hint of blatant self-hatred dripping from his words, and she did not like that. She did not like that one bit.

But before she even had the chance to respond, he continued, “I will be honest with you … I do not even know what to say to you right now.”

Vaguely tracing the diamond pattern of the quilt they were sitting on with one finger, she tried her best to sound nonchalant as she mumbled, “Well, why don’t you simply tell me whether or not you accept my offer.”

“Miss Granger, I –”

“Would you mind if we used first names?” she interrupted him. “Just for today. It’s just that formalities would make this whole thing even weirder than it already is.”

She saw him hesitate for a second.

“All right … Hermione,” he ultimately conceded, and it was so weird to hear him properly address her by her given name for the very first time – though she had to admit that it sounded quite nice coming from his lips. Something about that deep voice of his made her stomach clench up into knots. “As much as I appreciate it, I obviously cannot accept your proposal.”

“Why not?”

“Even forgetting the fact that you were my student for seven years and that I am a lot older than you, I could never in good faith make you endure such a thing. This, this curse,” he spat out the word with disgust. “Is a lot more powerful than you could ever even imagine. It would strip me of all control and force me to do unspeakable things to you that could very well destroy your sanity.”

He turned away from her in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his facial expression which was filled with nothing but self-loathing. “Even now, I can feel the dark magic coursing through my veins, tugging at my mind. It senses your presence. I can hear it whisper to me, bidding me to just rip off this stupid blindfold and take you right here. Merely sitting next to you already requires more will power than any time I have had to shield my mind from the Dark Lord.”

The witch’s breathing hitched in her throat. His crude confession made her heart beat so fast that it was almost threatening to break out of her ribcage. Willing herself to take a deep breath, she squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to stay put.

No. No, you can do this. For the Order. For Harry.

“I don’t believe that Professor Dumbledore would have sent you up here if he thought that there was a chance of me being seriously harmed,” she said softly, her eyes still closed. “And I also don’t believe that any kind of dark magic would ever be able to entirely overpower your morals and your good heart.”

He snorted with biting laughter. “Then you clearly do not know me well at all. Or him, for that matter. All that old madman cares about is the cause. We are all nothing but mere chess pieces in that little, rigged game of his he likes to play.”

“Don’t say that –”

“But it’s the truth! Don’t you see?” His tone gradually got louder and louder. “Any reasonably sane man in his position would have simply hired an unsuspecting prostitute, slipped her a couple of potions and then sent her back home with an altered memory and a nice, big bag filled to the brim with Galleons, blissfully unaware of any specifics. But not Albus. No, in his mind, raping the Muggle-born third of the Golden Trio is the perfect way to feign loyalty to the enemy and thus securing his plaything’s rank among the Dark Lord’s inner circle. Ha! As distraught as he might have acted, he knew from the beginning that you’d be the one to volunteer. Only you’d be foolish enough to let the greasy git of the dungeons fuck you in an attempt to save his pathetic, miserable life. You and your stupid saviour complex. So please, don’t be so naïve. This is all just a fucking charade to that bloody bedlamite!”

What followed that angry outburst was silence – complete and utter silence. Not even the rustling of the trees outside or the rapid palpitations inside both of their chests seemed to be able to penetrate their noiseless bubble. Hermione could feel her own pulse thumbing in her ears, and her mouth felt almost disgustingly dry. Wordlessly counting to a hundred, she at last opened her eyes and dared to cast a glance at the wizard. He was sitting in a hunched-over position, his face buried in his hands. Never before had she seen him like that, so evidently helpless, so vulnerable. For some reason, it nearly made her feel physically sick to witness him in such a state.

“I understand your apprehension, I really do,” she muttered gently. “I’m not quite keen on having to do this either. But I honestly don’t see any other way out of this mess. Somehow or the other, the curse must be broken … and time is running out.”

“I know,” he croaked out, the words muffled by his hands.

“And for all his faults, Professor Dumbledore is right. We cannot put ourselves before the cause. Especially not during dark times like these.” She could not stop her face from twisting into an anguished grimace. “Besides, I dare say that you are being a bit naïve yourself if you think that tricking a stranger would not weigh heavy on your conscience, too.”

Snape slowly lifted his head a little, allowing his chin to come to a rest on the pressed-together tips of his fingers, which were horribly stained from years of daily brewing.

“I don’t think that you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into here. This would not be like any of your previous sexual encounters, Hermione. There would be no romance, no pleasure, no satisfaction. It would be hard and fast and downright animalistic.” He squared his shoulders. “And though I have never made it a habit to keep up with my students’ private lives, I do not think that it would be wrong of me to assume that an ever-busy academic like you most likely has little experience with such things.”

Hermione felt the warmth creep into the apples of her cheeks as her whole body stiffened, and that movement did not go unnoticed.

“I mean, you do have some experience, right?”

No answer.

“Oh god, you aren’t still a virgin, are you?” Snape rasped despairingly before letting his head fall back into his hands.

Hermione shifted her weight with unease. “I do not attach any value to my virginity if that is the problem, sir,” she was quick to assure him, glad to know that he could not see how awfully red-faced she was at that very instant. “When you think about it, it’s really nothing but a social construct. Will I be a different person afterwards? No. Will you be dead should I refuse? Most likely. So the decision is easy, really. The only reason why I … why I haven’t done it yet is because such a situation has simply never arisen before.”

“No! No, this is deranged!” he cried out as his entire body seized up and started to shake. “How could I ever live with myself knowing that I took something like that from you?”

She bit her lower lip. “I very much doubt that it would be that much better to wait for my first true love or maybe even just a drunken night out to come around first,” she argued with furrowed brows. “Because even in that case, it would be awkward and fumbling and, in all likelihood, disappointing. With you, now, it would at least serve a bigger purpose. It would be special – in its own absurd way.”

“I can’t,” he whispered in a quivering voice.

Suddenly feeling bold, Hermione grabbed his wrists and pulled his arms towards her, forcing him to face her.

“You don’t have a choice,” she told him in a beseeching yet stern manner. “You are far too valuable to the Order to stupidly risk your life like this.”

Snape opened his mouth as though to say something in response, but then he quickly closed it again. Pulling free from her grasp, he leaned back until his shoulders were touching the wall against which her bed had been pushed. He looked like a picture of misery. His complexion was of a deathly pale colour, his jaw was clenched, and a few beads of sweat could be seen running down his forehead.

“I do not want to do anything against your will,” he insisted weakly.

“I wouldn’t be too concerned about that if I were you. I –“ She dithered for just a second. Come on, Hermione. Don’t lose him now. “I am rather physically attracted to you.”

His head jerked up in surprise. “You are?”

“Y-yes,” she replied bashfully, all at once feeling dreadfully shy. “I find you quite handsome, actually.”

She was not lying just to make him feel better either. Truth be told, she’d had a slight fascination with him ever since he took over the Defence Against the Dark Arts position during her sixth year, when his passion for the subject really started to shine through – particularly during his more physical demonstrations.

Still, she was glad when he did not ask her to elaborate any further. Watching as he ran a tremulous hand through his jet-black hair, she heard him say, “Surely you are aware of the fact that some men would not take kindly to the fact that you are not chaste anymore?”

“Good!” Hermione huffed exasperatedly. “If they truly measure my worth as a person by who I have given my body to, then I’d rather have them think of me as used goods and leave me alone all together.”

“And what about Weasley?”

She looked at him with confusion in her eyes. “What about him?”

“He seemed … very much opposed to the idea.”

“Oh, he can sod right off!” she snarled angrily, leaping to her feet. “I don’t want anything from him. I never have.”

Walking the short distance to her nearby dressing table, she pulled open one of its drawers and fished out a black hair tie which she then used to fasten her brown curls into a low ponytail at the nape of her neck. Checking her appearance in the half-tarnished mirror, she could see the man rub his hands across his thighs in obvious discomfort.

“It could hurt,” he said in what sounded like a last-ditch effort to keep from having to yield himself to his fate.

Turning around, her mouth twisted into a wry smile.

“I’m sure that I have experienced worse,” she told him calmly, and for a moment, neither one of them said anything. Hermione sat back down next to him. “But like I said, I don’t think you’d ever be actively out to hurt me. I trust you, you know?”

Even though they were mostly hidden behind the blindfold, she could still see his eyebrows lift in surprise. It was abundantly clear that even the mere notion of someone like her trusting someone like him seemed utterly unfathomable to the dark wizard.

There was another short moment of heavy silence. Then, a deep sigh escaping his lips, he finally asked, “Are you really sure?”

The tone of his voice nearly broke her heart. He was normally such an assertive and stern man, but now he just sounded so defeated. It made for an easy choice.

“Yes.”

(Click here for chapter 3!)

[identityonfilm]

Character analysis - Lucifer Morningstar

Staying true to my chosen topic, identity and the importance of representation on cinema and TV, I decided to analyse one of my favorite, most complex characters from TV. I went through this based on watching the episodes of the show, watching and reading interviews from the creators and the cast of the show, theories and also talking and debating with friends who have watched the show and can relate to him and his experiences, putting in evidence the importance of representation.

Being such a complex character that represents and normalizes a lot of stigma, he allows me to explore trauma, coping mechanisms, sexuality, mental illness and above all, identity.

Lucifer Morningstar is a character from the Lucifer TV show (originally from FOX and found a new family on Netflix after being canceled in 2018) based on the DC comics by the same name.

Lucifer is, quite obviously, the Devil. We’ve since our childhood been taught to think he’s terrible and to fear him, but that’s practically impossible with this fictional satan. If anything, he shows us the biggest, hardest path to redemption humanity could ever witness and that if he can, so can we.

Even though this Lucifer isn’t completely based of the Bible, his origins are. Lucifer Morningstar, born Samael, is the son of God and Goddess, the favorite son, the Poison of God, the Lightbringer. His task was to light up the stars. He and his siblings were neglected from a young age, since Dad was too busy with humanity and his only contact with his children was to command them. Our hero got enough of the neglect and, fascinated by the free will humanity possessed and angels lacked, started a rebellion against his own Father. In result, he got thrown out of Heaven and into Hell as his sentence, becoming its ruler. In the Underworld he created his own identity: Satan, the Devil, detaching himself from his angelic nature. From there, he commanded demons and gave out punishment to the most rotten, guilty souls that got into his realm. There, the demon Mazikeen became his friend and protector, until both of them left to Earth for a “vacation”.

Lucifers backstory is tragic and clearly traumatizing. The Lightbringer went from being the purest angel, God’s favorite son, to being the Devil, owning up to his original name’s meaning, the Poison of God. Lucifer became violent, impulsive, frustrated and, under his carefully crafted layers of confidence, a very insecure creature, full of self hatred. He’s an immensely relatable character to a lot of viewers, for a multitude of reasons. Along this post i will explore these topics.

 Daddy issues: The root of all of Morningstar’s issues is undoubtedly, God Himself. His own father, who’s supposed to love and protect His son, failed, abandoned and vilified him. Throughout the series Lucifer vents and rants about the pain He caused, His injustice and unfairness. His family is the root of all his trauma and the abandonment from a parental figure is something a lot of children and teens unfortunately go through and seeing this strong, seemingly indestructible character breaking at the thought of his Dad, just like they do, is extremely important.

 Trust issues: Alongside the daddy issues blooms his trust issues. He was wronged by his family, everyone he’s ever met and even has been vilified by all of humanity. In the 13 billions of years he’s been alive, he has learned how to build his walls up and close himself off from possible friendships and even relationships. He doesn’t completely trust anyone, not even himself, but we see his walls crumbling down throughout the seasons, especially with Chloe Decker, his partner and eventually, his lover, and Linda Martin, his therapist.

 Interpersonal difficulties: As mentioned before, Lucifer has his walls way up, which doesn’t allow him to have healthy relationships. Most of his relationships are rocky and unstable, big part of that due to difficulty in communication. While his most toxic friendship is with his oldest friend Maze, his rockiest is possibly with co-worker Dan, all the way through his growing relationship with his only present brother, Amenadiel, sweetest sibling-like relationship with Ella, a very awkward friendship with the detective’s “spawn”, Trixie, to the most focused on relationship of the show - “Deckerstar”- his relationship with Chloe Decker, his co-worker becomes friend becomes best friend becomes lover. Chloe is Lucifer’s soulmate, the one who makes him emotionally and physically vulnerable, the true love of his life. The key to his path to redemption. But his most important friendship is, without a shadow of a doubt, his therapist, Doctor Linda Martin. The normalization of therapy is such an important point of this show. Lucifer starts therapy in the beginning of season 1 and continues throughout the show, where she helps him breakthrough most of his issue and teaches him how to deal with his emotions and himself. His character is full of denial. He refuses to be seen as weak, fragile, “human”. He sees emotions as a flaw and weakness. His sessions with Linda help him open his eyes to a new reality and to connect with and embrace his vulnerable side.

 Self-destructive behavior/unhealthy coping mechanisms: Lucifer often falls into unhealthy behavior when something somewhat tragic happens. That unhealthy behavior ranges from excessive use of drugs, abuse of alcohol, sex, self-harm, cutting his wings off often because they’re a symbol of divinity that represent his loyalty to his Father), all the way to being completely reckless and attempting to get himself killed. His complete disregard for his own life and well-being is a constant in the series, going as far as dying to protect/save someone, but in these moments of despair, it goes from a place of protectiveness for the ones he loves to suicidal behavior rooted on his self-hatred and guilt.

 Hypersexuality: As mentioned above, one of Lucifer’s coping mechanisms is engaging in sexual activity. This is often linked to childhood trauma, either by abuse where victims need to reclaim the power over their own bodies or by neglect and lack of physical affection in formative years. He chooses to numb his pain and emotions with pleasure.

“They are addicted to the neurochemical and dissociative high produced by their intense sexual fantasy life and ritualistic behavior.” by Robert Weiss on Psych Central

 Isolation: Due to depression, trauma and spending years alone in Hell, Morningstar tends to isolate himself when things get rough. While he craves love, friendship and affection, he denies that to himself, he doesn’t understand that he can be loved, fully, for who he is, both angel and devil, without it being a manipulation from his Father.

 Sexuality: Lucifer Morningstar is a canon bisexual character, and the best part about it, is that it’s normalized. There isn’t a big storyline about his sexuality or homophobia, he just openly talks about and is shown with both women and men. And it’s normal. Actually, most of the characters on the show are canon LGBTQ+, which is one of the reasons the show is so loved by many. Representation is so important and seeing ourselves and our experiences represented on TV is immensely important in helping us feel more normal and seen. As of 2020, the actor Tom Ellis has won two bisexual representation awards for playing Lucifer. (x)

 Upon this analysis, we can confirm that his trauma, behavior issues and his identity as we see on the show is widely shaped by his childhood and his background story, mainly by his Dad, Mum and siblings. According to the NSPCC, some effects of neglect are:

 l “taking risks, like running away from home, using drugs and alcohol or breaking the law.

l getting into dangerous relationships

l difficulty with relationships later in life, including with their own children

l a higher chance of having mental health problems, including depression.”

 However tragic it may be, his story and his path to redemption and happiness is extremely inspiring and shows the audience that no matter where you came from, your past does not define you. No matter what you’re going through, it gets better. It’s a message of hope, love and identity.

 References:

 Weiss, Robert. (2018). Hypersexuality: Symptoms of Sexual Addiction. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/hypersexuality-symptoms-of-sexual-addiction/#:~:text=Sexual%20addiction%20or%20hypersexuality%20is,of%20at%20least%20six%20months.

NSPCC. Effects of neglect. Retrieved from https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/neglect/

Feser, Madison. (2019). The Doctor Is In: Therapy Is The Medicine Of Choice In Fox’s ‘Lucifer’. Retrieved from https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/lucifer-fox-therapy-mental-health/

https://lucifer.fandom.com/wiki/Lucifer_Morningstar

[garywonghc]

Finding Peace in a Troubled World

by His Holiness Sakya Trizin

Now in this world in which we live, there are many different races and many different religions, many different philosophies and many different cultures. But one aspect they all have in common is that they all aim to help their adherents attain happiness and be free from suffering. There is no disagreement about this.

Every individual, every organisation, every society tries to achieve happiness. In order to gain happiness, we make many efforts at the material level. During the past century, we have made tremendous progress in the fields of science and technology. This has brought many benefits to mankind, such as improved medical treatment, communications and so on. But by the same token, it is clear that material progress alone is not enough. It is very important for us also to make inner spiritual progress. This is because if we do not make inner spiritual progress, outer material progress, though it confers many benefits, can bring with it much harm and destruction. Therefore, to find real peace and happiness in this world, it is important to acquire inner peace and happiness. If outer material benefit is combined with inner spiritual development, real peace and happiness will be achieved.

I personally believe that all of the major world religions have a role to play in this. From the Buddhist perspective, the Buddha himself gave many levels of teachings. One kind of teaching is not enough, because human beings are innumerable and their levels of defilements and their spiritual propensities are so varied. One kind of medicine cannot cure all the different diseases that exist in the world. Not only do we need many different kinds of medicine, but we need many different systems of medicine, e.g. for certain diseases allopathic medicine is more effective, but for other diseases ayurvedic medicine is more appropriate. Similarly, one system of teaching is not enough. We require many different kinds, as we each have different tastes, different mentalities and so on. Therefore each one of the world’s religions has an important role to play in helping mankind. All the religions need to cooperate and unite in their efforts to help mankind and to show sentient beings how to make this world a better, happier place to live in, with less suffering.

As a Buddhist, I can say that according to the teachings of the Buddha, not only human beings, but all sentient beings possess the Buddha nature. The true nature of our mind is unstained by obscurations. Our mind has been pure from the very beginning. At the moment we can’t see the actual true nature of our mind, as it is stained by two obscurations: the obscuration of defilements and the obscuration of knowledge. The obscuration of defilements covers negative emotions such as ignorance, desire, hatred, jealousy, pride, stinginess, and so on. The obscuration of knowledge means the dualistic stream of thoughts related to the three realms, such as subject and object and the thoughts themselves. These obscurations block us from seeing the true nature of the mind. As long as we have these obscurations, we are not free. We remain in samsara, which means the circle of existence. The wheel of life goes around and around in never-ending circles.

Now as sentient beings, we have a physical body and a mental consciousness. We know where the physical body came from, how it is maintained and how it will be disposed of. It is something we can see with our naked eye and touch with our hands. We can describe its colour, shape and so on. But, where is the mind? Mental consciousness is something we can’t see with the naked eye, we can’t touch with our hands, we can’t measure. We can’t describe its shape, colour or size.

The mind and body are very different. Mental consciousness has its own requirements; it can’t arise, continue and develop out of nothing. It can’t arise out of things which have a different nature, such as the elements of the physical body or material substance. It must have its own kind of continuity from one moment to another. If we ask ourselves where this mind came from, we can prove that we had some kind of life before taking on our present physical body – we had a previous life before we took this present form. It goes on – before that another life, and before that another life. There is no such thing as the beginning of a person’s consciousness. In other words there is no beginning. That is why we refer to ‘beginningless time.’ We have been born previously in many different forms, taking many different physical bodies. We change bodies just like we change clothes. But the same continuity of mental consciousness continues from beginningless time right up to the present. It will keep going on well into the future too, until such time as we attain enlightenment.

As long as we remain in samsara, we are not free from suffering. In fact, the very nature of samsara is suffering, just as the nature of fire is heat, regardless of whether it is a big fire or a small fire. Since the nature of samsara is suffering, to overcome this suffering we must eliminate the two obscurations.

It is important to know about suffering and where it came from. What is the root of suffering? The answer is, the root of suffering is lack of wisdom. It is due to ignorance, that is, not knowing the true nature of the mind. Without logical reasons, we cling to a self. When we cling to a self, we also at the same time cling to a sense of ‘others’. When we have a situation where there is a self and there are others, we develop attachment and desire for our own side and anger or hatred towards others.

But in reality, there is no self. If there were a self, it would have to be the physical body, the mind or a name. But a name is a mere label, which can be given to anything at any moment. With regard to the physical body, if we examine every part of the body, such as flesh, bones, blood and so on, we will not find a single substance that can be called the self. Even in common usage, when we talk about my body, we mean the body that belongs to me, just like my car, my house, etc. But the body is not the self. What about the mind? Could the mind be the self? But the mind is changing all the time. The past mind has already ceased and the future mind is yet to arise. The present mind changes moment by moment. Something which is changing all the time cannot be the self.

If the name, the physical body and the mind are not the self, where is the self? Despite not being able to find it, we all have a very strong habitual tendency to cling to a combination of the physical body and the mind as the self. This habitual tendency has been with us from beginningless time up to now. It is very strong in all of us. We always cling to the notion of a self. No matter how much we love other people, we always care more for ourselves than for others. We have always been very selfish, because of this self-clinging to a personal self, our present form, feelings, etc. Yet when we try to investigate where this self is, we cannot find anything. So we cling to this self in spite of the lack of logical evidence that it exists.

This self-clinging is the source of all our problems. It is the basic ignorance from which all the negative emotions start. If there is a self, then there are others and if there is a self and others, there is attachment to the self and anger towards others. This situation creates the basic three defilements, which are greed, hatred and ignorance. From these three basic defilements arise others, such as jealousy, pride, stinginess, etc. Once these emotions are present, they soon develop into physical, verbal and mental actions. When we perform such actions, it is like planting a seed which leads to the growth of suffering.

Any actions created under the power of these emotions are known as negative or non-virtuous deeds. These deeds create all our problems and suffering. The negative experiences people face in life, such as having a short life span, poor health, mental suffering, anxiety, poverty and inability to fulfill their wishes are not produced by any outside force. Neither do they happen accidentally. They are created by our negative emotions, which lead us to commit negative deeds. The result of committing negative deeds is yet more suffering.

There is no point in blaming our problems on what is going on outside. All problems begin within our own minds, from our negative emotions. We should not blame others when things go wrong, because all problems originate from our own negative emotions. Buddhism teaches us that everything arises from causes and conditions. Even natural calamities such as floods, earthquakes and so on are the products of our own actions. This is because when many people indulge in negative deeds together, it results in natural disasters. We can tell from our own experience what the consequences of negative emotions, such as anger, are. We lose our peace of mind and become unhappy. Our face becomes grim, we lose our peace, our happiness disappears and even our family members are affected and cannot experience peace and happiness either. This may extend to our neighbours too. People who are selfish and angry may destroy the entire world.

When our minds are relaxed, our physical body will be healthy. When our minds are angry and disturbed, feelings such as jealously and pride arise. We cannot find peace and happiness. These negative emotions also affect the body. Doctors tell us that many diseases are related to mental tension and anxiety. In short, all our physical problems and all the problems in the outside world are caused by our negative emotions. Yet it is very difficult to avoid negative emotions. It may be easy to recognise them, but we have been bound by these defilements since beginningless time. As I said, our individual mind has no beginning. Our consciousness has continued from beginningless time up to now. The first step is to know this. So instead of blaming our problems or the community’s problems on others, we should look inside and blame our own defilements, our own negative emotions. No external enemy can do as much damage as our own negative emotions can. Besides, no matter how many outside enemies you destroy, whenever you destroy one enemy, another appears. It goes on and on. There is no end to it. On the other hand, if you turn inwards and address you own negative emotions, such as anger and jealousy, all the enemies disappear. The person who is without anger has no enemies. That’s because the actual enemy is not outside, it is within our own mind. And the worst enemy of all is anger. The worst negative deeds are those initiated by anger. So anger is the worst negative emotion we can have.

The realisation that negative emotions are the cause of all our problems is a great step, but it is only the first step. The second step is to try to reduce our negative emotions. It is just a matter of how much effort we put into it. For example, it is very easy to become angry about the slightest matter – like a person’s way of speaking, acting or looking. To overcome anger, we need to practise patience. Now it is very difficult to practise patience, so we may not be able to control our anger the first time we try, but the second time we may handle it better, and the third time we will do even better. Though we may not control our anger completely, we will start to be able to reduce it. By even just reducing the level of anger, you will already feel the benefits. Your mind will be calmer, and you will start to feel peaceful and happy. It will also have a very beneficial effect on the body. When you are healthy and happy you will live longer. Not only will you be a happier person, but by refraining from anger, you will not disturb other people’s peace and happiness. This is what we call a purposeful life: being happy and at the same time benefiting others. Otherwise, if we exist just to find food, clothes and shelter and continue living a miserable life, being unhappy, harming others and making them miserable too, what is the benefit? If we want to have a purposeful and beneficial life, it is very important for us to work on our negative emotions.

We can see that the first step is to recognise the root of the problem, and the second step is to try to work on it until eventually we can control it. If two or three more people also continue to work in this way, it will spread and bring benefits for all of us. If we can combine the progress we are making in the fields of science and technology with the positive energy of a peaceful and happy mind, it will be of great benefit to so many beings. On the other hand, if the developments in science and technology are linked with negative emotions, they will produce great harm. Such developments may make it possible for the destruction of many people within a short space of time. We then become far worse than the most dangerous of animals, such as tigers and snakes, that we fear so much. But how many beings can animals attack? Basically they attack only to provide themselves with food. They can only attack very few other creatures. They are incapable of killing thousands of beings at a time. But if we humans continue to develop high technology without dealing with our negative emotions, we will be capable of destroying the whole world in a very short time. That’s why it is so important for us to work on our negative emotions.

In addition to working on our negative emotions, we should try to develop a positive mind. All the good things in our lives, such as good health, prosperity and the fulfillment of our desires, all the happiness we long for – these things must have their own causes. They don’t come about by accident or through any external cause. They are produced by our virtuous deeds. We may define virtuous deeds as actions without defilements – arising from loving kindness, compassion, patience and forgiveness. All positive qualities arise from these states of mind. We all long for happiness. If we truly want happiness, we must create the causes of happiness. We cannot experience happiness unless the causes are in place.

In short, whether we suffer or whether we experience happiness, it is all in our own hands, nobody else’s. The Buddha’s way to help human beings was through giving instructions or teachings about the right ways and the wrong ways of living. We must not follow the wrong path. We must definitely follow the right path, for the right path will lead us to liberation and enlightenment. The Buddha said, “I have shown the path to liberation. The attainment of liberation depends on the individual.”

That’s why the Buddhist teachings say that you yourself are your own saviour. Nobody else can save you. When we are sick, it is important to have competent doctors and correct medication. But at the same time, the patient also has to do his part. He has to take his medicine and follow the doctor’s advice to avoid creating causes for sickness. Otherwise, he cannot be cured. The Buddha is like a doctor, the Dharma is the medicine and we are the patient. In brief, to cure our negative emotions, we must do the correct practices and avoid the incorrect ones. If one wishes to follow the Buddhist path, there are various levels. Basically, the first step is to take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. The Buddha is the guide, the Dharma is the actual path, because it is through the Dharma that one makes progress on the path and the Sangha, which means community, are the companions on the path.

Taking refuge is the first step and it is the foundation of all the vows.

As I am going to give the major empowerments tomorrow, I think it is important for you to know about taking the three vows: the pratimoksha vow, the bodhisattva vow and the vajrayana vow. Pratimoksha means individual liberation. We take this vow to be able to free ourselves from the sufferings of samsara and to attain liberation. To do this we must abstain from negative deeds and for this it is necessary to take a vow. This vow has different levels, such as the lay vows and monks’ and nuns’ or renunciates’ vows. The cause of individual liberation is the aspiration for renunciation. This comes with the realisation that samsara is nothing but suffering, and that to liberate ourselves from suffering we must renounce the world. It is a vow to keep the five precepts – the general precepts adhered to by all the Buddhist traditions. There are basically two forms of the vow: one form for lay people and another for renunciates.

Then there is the bodhisattva vow, which also has different levels. Of course we all want happiness and we want to be free of suffering. But it is not enough to seek liberation for ourselves alone. After all, everything in our life depends on other beings, and this has been true during every one of our lifetimes since beginningless time. It follows that at one time or another, we have been connected to every single living being. They have been our parents, siblings, friends or partners. But because we have moved from one life to another, we do not recognise each other. We see some beings as enemies. But these people we now see as enemies have been dear to us in the past. Therefore we must think about the suffering, wellbeing and liberation of all sentient beings. Sentient beings are limitless in number, they are innumerable, they are infinite, like space. All sentient beings are undergoing suffering, although no beings want to suffer. However, due to their ignorance, they are creating more and more causes of suffering. We must try to rescue them from their misery. The only way to help sentient beings effectively is to attain enlightenment.

Although the state of nirvana is free from sufferings, that state does not develop all qualities. For this reason, one on this level cannot help all sentient beings. To help all sentient beings, we must attain full enlightenment, also known as ‘non-abiding nirvana.’ The state of ‘non-abiding nirvana’ is above both samsara and nirvana. When one reaches this state, through great wisdom one does not remain in the extreme of samsara and out of great compassion one does not remain in the extreme of nirvana. That is why we say it is above both the two extremes of samsara and nirvana. In order to attain full and complete enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings, one takes the bodhisattva vow. There are different sets of rules depending on the type of person taking the vow. But basically the main thing is to take the vow to attain full and complete enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings.

The next is the vajrayana vow. The vajrayana teachings are the highest level of teachings given by the Buddha. It is said that through these teachings, one may attain full and complete enlightenment during one lifetime. This vow has its own set of rules. Basically, by taking these three vows, one enters on the path.

[janegilmore]

New Post: http://janegilmore.com/fixedit-grooming-children-is-not-seduction/

FixedIt: Grooming children is not seduction

Fox News reported that a man was sentenced to seven days jail and 120 days on house arrest after pleading guilty to importuning, disseminating matter harmful to juveniles and possessing criminal tools.

Albert Maruna, 23, turned himself into police after he discovered the 15 year old boy he thought he was communicating with online turned out to be an undercover police officer.

It’s lucky Maruna wasn’t actually talking to a young boy but it was his intention. Adults attempting to groom children for sexual abuse is not seduction. Seduction is an attempt to persuade someone to have sex, children cannot have sex so it’s not seduction, it’s grooming.

Children cannot have “sex”. Sex requires consent, children cannot legally or morally give consent so it is not sex. Rape, sexual abuse and sex are not the same thing and they can not be used interchangeably in headlines.

Here are the reasons this matters, in every case, with every headline.

The victim impact statements from child abuse trials are harrowing, a testament to the lifelong injuries suffered by people who were sexually abused as children. They are the litany of drug addition, alcohol dependence, gambling problems, depression, crippling anxiety, relationship breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, shame, self-hatred, mistrust of others and long term emotional damage so common in survivors of child sexual abuse. Children who have been abused are also significantly more likely to suffer further abuse, both as children and as adults.

The effects of sexual abuse of children then lead to the cycle of horror where victims become unreliable witnesses to their own abuse.

When the media, as it so persistently does, labels sexual abuse of children as “child sex”, we are weakening the public understanding of the extent and effect of such abuse. This has serious effects. A study conducted for the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse found that juries who have a better understanding of the facts of child sexual abuse are less likely to make mistakes in their assessment of evidence given in court.

Children cannot have sex with adults. Sex requires consent and children, by definition, cannot give consent, so it’s not sex. It’s rape, it’s child abuse, it’s sexual abuse, it’s any number of terms that accurately describe a crime. An act perpetrated on an innocent victim, someone who was unable to defend themselves from the violence done to them, and who suffers for years, possibly decades, from the trauma caused by an adult’s choice to commit that violence.

That word choice is the key. Sex is a choice made by every person involved. Rape and abuse are a choice made only by the perpetrator. The victim has no choice.

No child has ever chosen to be abused. No child has ever done anything that caused or incited abuse. No child has ever wanted to be abused. No child has ever willingly participated in their abuse. No child has ever been in any way responsible for abuses committed against them by adults.

Despite this, many abused children believe they are willing participants. It is tragically common for abusers to manipulate vulnerable children into thinking the abuse is something that makes them special. Because they are children, they don’t understand that it is abuse and they don’t know what their abuser is doing is wrong. They only know that it was a secret, that they were the special ones for that moment because they were manipulated by their abuser.

That belief can become so central to the abuse that it can stay with the victims well into adulthood.

This is the tragedy of abuse, that so many victims do feel responsible for what was done to them. The shame that belongs only to the abuser is taken on by the abused child and incorporated into their lifelong view of themselves and their worth as a person.

Words matter.

When we name abuse as “sex”, we imply victims had a choice. We tell them the violence someone else chose to do to them when they were a child is the same as sex they can choose to have as an adult.

It isn’t.

Raping children is a horrific concept, we should feel a natural revulsion at the very idea. But we can’t protect vulnerable children or deter predators by diminishing the reality of sexual abuse. And we further damage survivors with the implication that the crimes committed against them are something less than a horrific and violent crime.

There are far, far too many of those victims. You could fill the MCG eight times over with the number of children living in Australia, right now, who have been or will be sexually abused. You could empty out Brisbane and entirely refill it with adults who have suffered sexual violence in their lifetime. All these people see headlines.

Sexual abuse is not sex. Children cannot have sex with adults. Stop calling it what it isn’t and start calling it what it is.

FixedIt is an ongoing project to push back against the media’s constant erasure of violent men and blaming of innocent victims. If you would like to help fund it – even $5 a month makes a big difference – please consider becoming a Patron

1800 RESPECT Sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling and support. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Ph: 1800 737 732 www.1800respect.org.au  Suicide Call Back Service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Ph: 1300 659 467 www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au Kids Helpline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Phone: 1800 55 1800 www.kidshelp.com.au

MensLine Australia 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Phone: 1300 78 99 78 www.mensline.org.au

Child Wise National Abuse Helpline Mon-Fri: 9 am – 5 pm Ph: 1800 99 10 99 www.childwise.org.au

  ##FixedIt

#FixedIt

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i constructed this personality. and ts like.. i’m not going to say arrogant because i wouldnt call it that. it’s really like a borderline manipulation? maybe? it’s hard to speak about yourself in such terribly harsh terms. but i think it is manipulative in .. a number of ways. like i definitely control how i could be perceived on a certain level and i’m intelligent enough to follow cues of like how i can “get over” on certain people.

this is very much like my own mother.

and then these people, i “use” them as a way to continually cement whatever delusional beliefs i have in myself at that time. and this is why i prefer to cultivate individual relationships rather than group ones because i can better control perception and beliefs with one person at a time. and this is why its very easy to drop people when my perceptions of myself have shifted. but many of these perceptions are negative - i feel depressed. i want the people around me to feed my depression and if they dont, well they don’t understand or respect how i’m living. 

and the thing is - i totally bought into my own bullshit. in these moments, i whole heartedly believe i am a true victim of life and circumstances - maybe i am, who the fuck knows but that is my fucking identity and it needs to be acknowledged. 

if one version of my beliefs contradicts another and ive sold them to two different people, those two cannot co exist in my life.

i definitely use sex as a manipulation tool as well but i also have genuine love. like it’s probably sick mental illness love but i really do have love. 

im failing in large professional group situations because i cannot control the individual perceptions of me and i am very... sensitive but not necessarily insecure to any perceived negativity towards me and those things ruminate so i try to avoid those people again for that particular reason. 

but the thing is i’m not trying to control their perception so they think i’m great. i don’t care about that. i just want them to believe what i think of myself. and i generally think i’m a victim and incapable and traumatized to paralyzation. but again, i believe this. i whole heartedly believe i am this person at this time and it affects me; i’m depressed, suicidal, trapped, isolated etc. and i express these feelings to have them confirmed from others, much like seeking approval, so that cycle can continue and i end up in a complete breakdown, wanting to die and suffocating, reaching out for help that i’m never really going to get.

but this personality is really really really ingrained in order to protect myself. i dont want people to know that this is all just a rouse and i’m just building a weird psychosis against society until my mental barriers of right an wrong break down. i’m nuts. i would never in a millio years show anyone these rwritings because it is a true testament to how bat shit insane i truly am. there are small breaks in between but its soooo up and down. 

in january - while being on medication, i had a bit of apathy and some issues with warren which worked themselves out but i still felt isolated which probably had something to do ith “under appreciated” and “being misunderstood”; both pretty big red flags to a negative perception of reality. i had some lingering anger about society. in march i continued to feel isolated and i guess thought living together ould solve the problem because i was happy ith him but also happy about answering to no one. 

in april i decided to apply for college; i was sometimes taking the medication i as prescribed but would miss 2 - 3 days before i stopped taking it altogether. still, i felt isolated but also seemed to just be ignorant to how much harm i had caused in the previous three months of dealing ith someone who was living in their own altered reality. 

by june i hit a severe depression; i wasnt taking any medication at all and i was severly unhappy with everyone around me. i had to move, i was accepted to college but couldnt bear leaving and starting over again 

july i had been prescribed anti depressants that i did not take at all. i was very aggravated and very depressed and felt like he didnt care about it (probably because i was unhappy with everyone for a month)

in august i had a lot of seperation anxiety and frustration with my ‘professional life’ i’m not even sure exactly what it was but i wrote in my notes ‘self delusional’ and underlined it so i feel like i as super delusional about myself or how i was acting and i was beginning to ruminate much more on my trauma. 

by september im completely focused on my trauma and shifting the blame and a lot of stress about moving and the whole finding him apartments thing and just an overall disconnect in communication.

in october, i’m now just in rambling self delusions and resentful at him, probably about moving. i am back to being unhappy about society 

by november i’m focused on socieety, i feel isolated, i have extreme anxiety and victimizing myself. 

this is really rare evidence in my life, written by the most accurate source. i cannot argue with myself. all i can do is look at it and accept it for what it is and i would really rather forget how really not good this is. like lbr, it’s look like had i continued to take the medication even at a super staggered pace i wouldve been 5% better in life. instead i went off of it and went back to severly wanting to die. 

so i guess - kudos to myself for being pretty fucking insane and still making it to 28 years old. thats actually really good. 

i think im ready to genuinely lose him. not in like a “oh fuck u  i hate u” kind of way but that i understand that for what i do want, i’m not mentally well enough to have it from him, someone who has all the right in the world to go live a normal rich life. even crazy, i do deserve someone who loves me and ants to be with me and will also help me. its like my former best friend; i knew she deserved better and i think he deserves a better chance at least. 

he told me to write him a list of ways he could help me. 

- i want to share a life with someone. you either continue out of pity or by defaullt to ask me to come to your house and participate in your life but you do not understand the weight of “sharing a life”. it means having and planning a future together, to have the expectation that this person will be around and apart of your support system and you might need to accomidate them to do so. right now it’s easy. youre “fulfilling the role” except for any indication of stability or a future. the more time i spend with someone who pretends to share a life with me but doesnt actually commit to a stable future, the more it feeds into my own self hatred, perpetuating the cycle. i would not second guess everything if i truly believed i have a normal legitimate future with you. i wouldnt spend time ruminiating and second guessing and cycling and spiraling into past trauma. to help me is to commit or walk away. 

[janegilmore]

New Post: http://janegilmore.com/fixedit-its-not-sex-if-she-cant-consent/

FixedIt: It's not "sex" if she can't consent

Kotaku reported that Counter-Strike co-creator Jess Cliffe, 36, has been charged with commercial sexual abuse of a minor.

The article states:

Washington state law defines “commercial sexual abuse of a minor” as a crime of providing “anything of value” to a minor in exchange for sex, whether or not the minor consents.

AC told police that Cliffe wanted to record one of their sexual sessions, to which AC said she declined. Then, AC said, Cliffe recorded the encounter regardless. Says the police report: “Despite not wanting him to do so, AC refrained from saying anything else out of fear that she could be harmed or killed based on her small size and accounts of other people who had been violently assaulted during a prostitution date.”

This police report is not describing “sex” and he has not been charged with “sex”. Sex isn’t a crime.

To be clear, the case has not yet been heard by the court, therefore this commentary is nothing to do with the accused’s guilt or innocence, it is entirely about the way the charges against him are described in the media.

Children cannot have “sex”. Sex requires consent, children cannot legally or morally give consent so it is not sex. Rape, sexual abuse and sex are not the same thing and they can not be used interchangeably in headlines.

Here are the reasons this matters, in every case, with every headline.

The victim impact statements from child abuse trials are harrowing, a testament to the lifelong injuries suffered by people who were sexually abused as children. They are the litany of drug addition, alcohol dependence, gambling problems, depression, crippling anxiety, relationship breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, shame, self-hatred, mistrust of others and long term emotional damage so common in survivors of child sexual abuse. Children who have been abused are also significantly more likely to suffer further abuse, both as children and as adults.

The effects of sexual abuse of children then lead to the cycle of horror where victims become unreliable witnesses to their own abuse.

When the media, as it so persistently does, labels sexual abuse of children as “child sex”, we are weakening the public understanding of the extent and effect of such abuse. This has serious effects. A study conducted for the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse found that juries who have a better understanding of the facts of child sexual abuse are less likely to make mistakes in their assessment of evidence given in court.

Children cannot have sex with adults. Sex requires consent and children, by definition, cannot give consent, so it’s not sex. It’s rape, it’s child abuse, it’s sexual abuse, it’s any number of terms that accurately describe a crime. An act perpetrated on an innocent victim, someone who was unable to defend themselves from the violence done to them, and who suffers for years, possibly decades, from the trauma caused by an adult’s choice to commit that violence.

That word choice is the key. Sex is a choice made by every person involved. Rape and abuse are a choice made only by the perpetrator. The victim has no choice.

No child has ever chosen to be abused. No child has ever done anything that caused or incited abuse. No child has ever wanted to be abused. No child has ever willingly participated in their abuse. No child has ever been in any way responsible for abuses committed against them by adults.

Despite this, many abused children believe they are willing participants. It is tragically common for abusers to manipulate vulnerable children into thinking the abuse is something that makes them special. Because they are children, they don’t understand that it is abuse and they don’t know what their abuser is doing is wrong. They only know that it was a secret, that they were the special ones for that moment because they were manipulated by their abuser.

That belief can become so central to the abuse that it can stay with the victims well into adulthood.

This is the tragedy of abuse, that so many victims do feel responsible for what was done to them. The shame that belongs only to the abuser is taken on by the abused child and incorporated into their lifelong view of themselves and their worth as a person.

Words matter.

When we name abuse as “sex”, we imply victims had a choice. We tell them the violence someone else chose to do to them when they were a child is the same as sex they can choose to have as an adult.

It isn’t.

Raping children is a horrific concept, we should feel a natural revulsion at the very idea. But we can’t protect vulnerable children or deter predators by diminishing the reality of sexual abuse. And we further damage survivors with the implication that the crimes committed against them are something less than a horrific and violent crime.

There are far, far too many of those victims. You could fill the MCG eight times over with the number of children living in Australia, right now, who have been or will be sexually abused. You could empty out Brisbane and entirely refill it with adults who have suffered sexual violence in their lifetime. All these people see headlines.

Sexual abuse is not sex. Children cannot have sex with adults. Stop calling it what it isn’t and start calling it what it is.

FixedIt is an ongoing project to push back against the media’s constant erasure of violent men and blaming of innocent victims. If you would like to help fund it – even $5 a month makes a big difference – please consider becoming a Patron

1800 RESPECT Sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling and support. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Ph: 1800 737 732 www.1800respect.org.au  Suicide Call Back Service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Ph: 1300 659 467 www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au Kids Helpline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Phone: 1800 55 1800 www.kidshelp.com.au

MensLine Australia 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Phone: 1300 78 99 78 www.mensline.org.au

Child Wise National Abuse Helpline Mon-Fri: 9 am – 5 pm Ph: 1800 99 10 99

##FixedIt