#fabail life

[fabail]

I know this won't matter much because it's coming from an anonymous user, but I hope whatever situation you are going through gets better, sorry things have been like this. take care

Oh hey, thanks for the kind words. I think it will get better, after all I have learned an important life lesson that I should never overestimate my importance to another person, even if I had been invited to their family events multiple times. No expectations, no disappointments, no heartbreaks.

Yeah I’ll get better. I’ll survive. I’m a survivor.

[fabail]

Still traumatized but I am coming to terms with the reality that I have never been, nor will I ever be important enough to another person to claim me as found family. I am unloved and unlovable. I will never be cherished and protected.

Nightmares do come true.

[fabail]

I kinda regret not making more friends in my youth. Now that I’m older, I’m losing friends left and right, and I really don’t have the time, energy and safe space in my sad little life to find like minded individuals on my wavelength. With my laughably pathetic family life, the only good company I have on a daily basis is my cats.

[fabail]

I’m thinking about the ways I could offend Aunt Starscream when she comes to visit in October. Of course I WILL be away from home to avoid her altogether (I have gone no contact with her since Nov 2016), but I need to put up some blasphemous decorations to really piss her off.

[fabail]

I’m stressed out about finding my two wonderful lovely cats a reliable and trustworthy sitter for around 7 weeks.

It’s a very long period, but for their safety, I must get them out of the house by the 28th, because my dad, a world class asshat who has no respect for anyone, is coming to visit my family and he is not leaving until the lunar new year. I myself am evacuating on his day of arrival, and thankfully, my fake boyfriend and his parents are happy to house me for free during my dad’s visit. But unfortunately, my cats cannot come with because the family has a very excitable one-year-old Pomeranian.

I can’t consider conventional boarding. While my cats are well behaved and easy to care for, they love to be around people too much to be kenneled all day for 7 weeks. They need to be in a house with people.

Boarding at a sitter’s home would cost a lot of money. I was prepared to spend money on home boarding for 3 weeks, the usual length of my dad’s winter visit. However, this year my dad (a world class asshat) has apparently decided to stay much longer.

I’m not gonna go into detail about all the terrible things my dad has done over the past 30 years and will continue to do, so all I’ll have to say is that my parents are divorced, my mom gets the house, but my dad still feels entitled to stay here and acts like he still owns the place. He doesn’t like flushing the toilet after himself, and even my cats, who love people and have never hissed or scratched (not even when my baby nephew pulled their tails), hate him (they showed their aggression another way).

I don’t know what I’ll do about my cats. I don’t feel comfortable enough to hand them over to a stranger on Rover for such a long period, for such a hefty amount of money, and on such short notice. I don’t have any local friends that are both capable and willing to take on the job. And I can’t and definitely shouldn’t test the limits of my fake boyfriend’s family’s generosity by bringing them along. I will NOT be an inconsiderate asshat like my dad.

I hate this.

[fabail]

“Knife Therapy”

[fabail]

Going on vacation!

[fabail]

The button badges are here!! The dark red came out a liiittle tiny bit darker but I think it still looks good.

[fabail]

I didn’t take many photos at TFN this year (because I found myself spacing out a lot- maybe too much).

Highlights this year (for me):

- People got a kick out of my “Victimized by Starscream Getaway” badge; in particular, Jack Lawrence and Nick Roche had a good laugh about it.

- Stan Bush concert!

- Meeting Stan Bush and telling him that his music saved me life in some of my darkest hours. He is a really, really cool guy and I’m glad that I got to see him perfom live. He signed on my hoverboard (because a hoverboard was in TFTM when Dare played). I got so overwhelmed and cried after I left his table. Many thanks to the woman and the volunteer who checked on me and gave me tissue!

- Got a good laugh from Nick when I asked him to cross out Getaway on my copy of the Lost Light print. He happily did it.

- Meeting @hopperlicious!

- Seeing @stlplaybox again!

I went to the Forge first on Saturday and spent 113 pounds at @coralus’s table lol.

I cosplayed two versions of human Tailgate this year- the hoodie rendition on Saturday, and the baby dress from MTMTE#43 on Sunday. I think other people got photos of my cosplays.

I got some people asking if I’m selling my badges. Maybe I’ll open a real online shop and start taking preorders when I get back from my vacation? And design more badges?

[fabail]

I had a fun night out with @tfwatermelon and co.! We had a huge dinner at a fancy Japanese buffet restaurant where sashimi were sliced on demand. And I finally got these two adorable Happy Meal toys from Fina! She had to import Shockwave and Grimlock “Green Dinosaur” from China since they’re not available in this country. We shopped around the underground mall for toys until it closed. Now I’m exhausted lol. Gotta start packing for TFNation tomorrow.

[fabail]

About reaching out

In the light of recent events, I feel that as a survivor, I really have to say this.

For someone who is suffering, reaching out is incredibly difficult.

When you’re severely depressed, your perceptions change, and what you think is an act of reaching out may be nothing out of ordinary in the eyes of other people. I myself, I only learned how to ”properly” ask for help because I survived, and I only survived because others reached out to me first.

At first, I tried to reach out but gave up altogether because I got no response. Unnoticed, unloved, uncared for, that was what it felt like. To me, the isolation was more real than anything else. And since my family refused to acknowledge that I had problems, I continued to suffer in silence. I believed that everyone either hated me or didn’t care about me at all. I had no friends at school (or so I thought), I had no one to turn to (except my imaginary friends and a few people on the internet whom I had never met). Being the only daughter at home didn’t help, being the only Asian in a white school didn’t help, being an as good as mute and almost (socially) invisible introvert didn’t help. Blinded by pain, I was so alone in my misery, I hated everyone and I hated myself.

It took a long time before my behaviors became increasingly unhinged, and people at school became concerned.

One day, I accidentally walk into a classmate, who then yelled at me. And so I fell to the ground, unresponsive. The teacher called the adjustment counselor to come and get me.

Another day, while walking the lap in PE, I suddenly felt so tired and fed up, I lost the will to move at all, and just let myself fall to the ground. People fussed around me, but I felt nothing. I didn’t resist or do anything as they wheeled me to the nurse’s office.

Another day, two classmates saw me crying at lunch for no reason, and alarmed by my previous incidents, they decided that they had to take me to the office, and they made sure I was delivered to a peer counselor. That was the beginning of my long road to recovery.

Before long, the adjustment counselor decided that she had to book a psychiatrist appointment for me and get my mom involved.

People at school made sure I got proper help. If it weren’t for them, I would’ve either died or eventually turned into a violent, murderous criminal. I was saved only because people reached out to me and stood by me. If it weren’t for them (and many others), I wouldn’t be here today, with a bachelor’s degree, working a full time job, going to cons with friends, and planning for vacations on my own.

Please, stop making the whole “reaching out” thing a responsibility only for the afflicted. A lot of people don’t even know how to reach out to the right people in the first place. I didn’t. I was lucky that people around me knew what they were doing, but many out there aren’t so lucky.

Please, do educate yourself and people around you about depression, other mental illnesses, and mental healthcare in general. You never know if someone you know may need you to reach out to them. You can save someone’s life.

[fabail]

A pencil-holding bird-headed child mannequin that pours water from under its head. This is The Most Recognized Landmark of Taipei Main’s massive underground labyrinth.

[fabail]

Rules: copy this post into a new text post (except I had to type this whole thing down because I’m on mobile), remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you... and most importantly, have fun!

A- age: 26

B- biggest fear: having no control over my life

C- current time: 20:09

D- drink you last had: grass tea

E- every day starts with: breakfast and meds

F- favorite song: changes from time to time, right now it’s Pravda Vitazi

G- ghosts, are they real: yes

H- hometown- Lubbock, TX. No one believes it though, and I haven’t been there since I was 40 days old.

I- in love with: robots and animals, the purest things in this world.

J- jealous of: ok first off, the correct word is envious.

K- killed someone: do my OCs count?

L- last time you cried: when I watched Deadpool 2 with @officialthundercrash.

M- middle name: I don’t have one. My full name is only 8 alphabets.

N- number of siblings: 2, I’m the middle child and growing up as one sucked.

O- one wish: become ultra rich

P- person you last called/texted: @catussnake

Q- question(s) you’re always asked: “Are you 18?”

R- reasons to smile: cute animals

S- song last sang: Husk, by Dry The River (the band has dissovled), or The Girl in the Window, by Mark Lenover. Can’t remember which one.

U- underwear color: ok that’s too far, let’s try something else

U- unsung hero: anyone who changes a suffering child’s life for the better, forever.

V- vacation destination: this year? Okinawa and Guernsey (again!).

W- worst habit: being lazy

X- x-rays you’ve had: teeth and airport fullbody scanner.

Y- your favorite food: too many, but generally I love Japanese food, a lot.

Z- zodiac sign- Scorpio

Thanks @lucy300, but why isn’t there a question for T? Can I make one up?

T- transportation method- currently, public transit and walking only, because Taiwan’s road culture is terrifying for an American suburb kid like me, who is too used to wider roads and generally more civilized drivers.

Tagging: idk, @eabevella? @catussnake? @nukenai? @thatbuggygirl? @pockysquirrel? @smilingbirdmom? @robotseverywhere? You don’t have to do this if you don’t wanna.

[fabail]

Lately my life has just been dumping my hard earned cash on posable mannequins I’ve lost all self control Send help

[fabail]

My favorite place at a mall is the toy store, and my favorite thing in the toy store is the displays.

[fabail]

I forgot to post more Guernsey adventure pictures! Castle Cornet was really fun, Little Chapel was super beautiful, and the West Show had so many animals! It was the first time I saw Oxford Sandy and Black pigs! Oh yeah and I found Megatron in the German Occupational Museum.