#feeling fantasic feeling refreshed feeling astounding

[cereal-bunny]

(⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

[pretentious-inklings]

A life by choice

I’ve always dreamed of escaping the suffocating streets of the city. Fantasized about the freedom of faraway places, of pristine sands lit by the suns gentle glow. Where the sapphire sky melts into the sea and every breath fills you with the refreshing life of a world at peace. That’s where I was taking you, a place where you could grow free of society’s boxes, where you could live an honest life, unaffected by the evils of humanity. Arrangements had been made, we had to leave soon.

The plan had been running through my mind all night, building my anxiety with every lap. “It’s ok, we’ve waited long enough” I told myself, hoping more than anything that they had moved on. A police siren somewhere in the distance snapped me out of my obsessive thoughts. It was time. I strolled over to the bundle of blankets in the corner and gave it a gentle nudge. A little face popped out, dazed, no doubt still navigating your way back to reality from the labyrinth of your dreams. But the confusion on your face was quickly consumed by an eager smile and the glimmer of excitement in your bright eyes, a light that only she brought to your face. “Todays the day!” you said, “We get to see mom today.” My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and it felt as if my throat had tied itself in a knot. I had forgotten about that, but despite my internal screams I forced a smile onto my face and replied “Well then, we better get going if you want to get there early.” We made our way out of the dark, abandoned restaurant and into the grey, smog choked streets.

By the time we arrived at the yard, my face had frozen solid and I wasn’t sure if I even had hands anymore, but you were undeterred. As soon as you saw it you threw all composure out the window and bolted past rows of trees and benches to lightly seat yourself on the patchy grass in front of a small, grey stone whose engraving was still sharp and clear. Then you began “Hi mom, I hope you’re having a good day, you’ll never bel…” I could never bear to listen to your conversations. The raw wound that her passing left in my heart was still fresh. It hurt too much to think that all that had happened was a direct result of a life I chose to live. So I sat on a bench and watched from afar.

The past haunted me. I forfeited the right to sleep the day I decided to deal, but the nightmares only arrived after she had gone. They barged in, making my every thought their playground and burning themselves into the depths of my mind. Never letting me forget that it was my stock that she overdosed on. Sweet poison intended for street kids and people who above all, craved an escape from the backbreaking burdens of life.

After what seemed like hours alone with my thoughts, you turned around and called me over “She wants to speak to you.” You said with gentle encouragement. Kneeling down beside you I fought to free the burdens of my mind, but the words would not form. So you held me tight keeping me strong as my eyes began to flood and the content of my broken heart spilled through quivering lips.

Then came a long breath of recovery and we sat in tender silence. Your courage and strength never ceased to amaze me; I only wish that I could understand the world as you did. When we were both ready to leave, your little body strained in an attempt to lift me from the tear soaked ground on which we sat.

On the long walk to Chad’s place I was bombarded by questions “Why don’t chickens fly?” you would ask, or “Where do the people in the TV go when you turn it off?”, and the one I dreaded most of all “Ooh, When are we getting a puppy?” The avalanche of questions however was cut short as we strolled past the outskirts of a school. You stared longingly past the tall, rusty fences into the classroom windows where children years younger than you keenly practiced their alphabet, the determination on their faces broken only by the occasional giggle and outburst of chatter. As I watched you I couldn’t help but wonder when my vague, compromised answers would no longer be good enough for you, when you’d go out in search of the company of those your own age that our nomadic lifestyle had robbed you of.

Eventually we came to a dainty little house with guarded windows and fragrant smoke flowing from the chimney. Just moments after knocking, the door swung open to a man who filled the entire doorway with his astounding bulk. His face almost completely consumed by ridiculously large beard that failed to hide his childish grin. “There they are!” he said in his jolly tone “Please come in.” He stepped aside, revealing a cozy, fire lit living room from which warm air poured, thawing our frozen bodies. After sitting you down in front of a Scooby-doo cartoon with a cup of hot chocolate Chad ran upstairs and returned to meet me in the kitchen, handing me a large envelope, what looked like an ordinary credit card and his car keys. “Everything’s ready new ID’s, Passports, tickets and enough money to feed a starving family for life” he said with a hint of disapproval in his gruff voice. I had no reply; his concern was more than warranted. ”They haven’t come past here in a while but that doesn’t mean you’ve been forgotten” he whispered, his voice heavy with worry “Stealing from a cartel that big is no joke.” “I have to get her out.” I replied sticking out my hand as a gesture of thanks ”I’ll send you a postcard .” He shook it firmly and a broad smile spread across his face “Be safe brother.” With that I headed for the door, “Aliya, it’s time to go, don’t forget to say bye to uncle chad.” I shouted much to your disappointment.

For most of our trip you sat in the backseat devouring the bag of chocolates from your uncle as we drove towards the airport. We were home and dry, or so I thought.

Bang! The car jerked violently and my neck whipped forward, smacking my head in the steering wheel and flooding my face with excruciating pain. The car in front of us had braked unexpectedly. But I couldn’t care. In a panic, I looked to the back seat, you lay there, limp, forehead drenched in the crimson blood, a look of frantic fear stamped onto your face. Another car started to push us off the road, onto the river bank and you let out a bone chilling shriek. I was terrified. My heart pounded hard in my ears and my hands trembled violently as I fumbled to free myself from the seatbelt to get to you. The car slid onto the river bank and a woman wrenched the door open, grabbed you and stumbled down the slope toward the water.

I forced myself out of the tangled belt and through the shattered passenger’s window. I could see her, standing at the edge of the raging water with a death grip on your semi-conscious body. I took a step forward, the ground slipped from under me and I tumbled down the muddy hill. “Did you think we wouldn’t find you?” she shouted over the roaring rapids, pulling out a gun. “Give me the card or I’ll put a damn bullet through her head!”  “Nooooooooo!” I let out a gut wrenching scream that tore at my throat. Reaching into my pocket for the card I walked slowly towards her and held it out for her to take. In an instant she snatched it from me and shoved you into the thundering river. My heart leaped into my throat and shock ran through my body as I leaped in after you in a fearful frenzy.

The icy water kicked me in the gut as I struggled frantically against the tide to save you. My entire body cried out for mercy but relentless in my efforts, I would not give in. When I finally reached you I pulled you to dry land and hoped against all hope that you were alive. In a desperate attempt to bring you back to consciousness I pumped the water from your lungs.

To my eternal relief you came sputtering back to life, opened your eyes and looked up at me. I forced myself to keep my eyes on you. The unbearable pain that twisted your gentle face and the fear in your eyes made my stomach curdle. I could do nothing to help my baby. But you smiled, your face filled with a familiar light as your breathing slowed and your heart stopped.

I sat there, a man broken.

The sharp gravel cut at my skin. The world was lit by the brutally pale sun that shed no heat. The miserable skies clash with the muddy waters and every breath I take burns my insides. I had failed you. Your body lay cold. Devoid of the beautiful soul it once sheltered. And your eyes, your eyes which were once my escape into blissful innocence are now dark and ominous caverns into which I dare not look for fear I may never return.

The world around me fades away. I feel nothing but the biting cold of a gun barrel behind my head.

Click.

{A short story by pretentious inklings}