#feeling like a shitty research student because I’ve barely been to the lab in weeks

[yearning-butch]

Everything is so much all of the time

[brujeria-histeria]

The Surprise

hacy fic for @theballetslippertheblackhoodie prompt: Harry finds out he’s going to be a father ......again. 

Harry has had many bad days but this had to be one of the worst, maybe the the worst day of his second life. It had actually started last night though and the usually upbeat whitelighter didn’t let last night’s fumble try to ruin his day today, but oh no fate insisted his day be ruined. 

First, last night his date with his Girlfriend, Macy was cancelled. She was running late from a science conference on the future of bioengineering and space and had grabbed something to eat at the conference center’s cafe. Then when she finally got home they at least tried to fit in some intimacy and Macy was too tired, again, to keep going, he let her fall asleep on his chest then slid out of bed and went to the bathroom for a cold shower. 

Macy hadn’t been wanting to get intimate with him, sexually, for the past two weeks except once for one round of love making. When he gently asked her if everything was ok and if had done anything wrong she denied it and kissed him and told him how sweet he was. He was beginning to question if she wasn’t that into him anymore, if she only got with him on a whim and a year and 3 months into their relationship maybe her affection for him sizzled out. He shook his head under the cold water and tried not to let those thoughts intrude again. He’d do anything for Macy to be happy, but it hurt him to think it might mean to let her go if it would make her happy again. 

Then today he had gone to work as usual, and was checking his twitter and was of course doing numbers with the academia side of twitter but spied a suspicious activity of tweets in his mentions. A faceless twitter troll had taken to attacking his person, calling him and women in general all sorts of unsavory names and slurs, while he blocked and reported the troll instead of engaging them, it made his blood boil when the troll especially said very tasteless and racist things about his Macy, when he tweeted an article done on her recently. You could insult him, but never insult women and never ever insult the woman he loves. He stormed to his office and set down his things with his research text making a slam. If his day couldn’t get any worse in walked in Professor Crollins, the head of the political science department to bother him. She was an older woman, in comparison to his physical 37 and her actual age of 53, and she apparently was very into Harry’s “vibe” as Maggie put it after she busted out laughing when he told her of the predicament. The situation of Crollin’s infatuation had began a few weeks ago when a benefactor and tenured professor of the school wanted both department heads to work together to form a joint class for next semester’s class options. 

“Hello, Professor Greenwood. I came by to drop off another rubric for a possible project for next semester class. I can’t wait to teach it with you, I’m sure it’ll be an enriching experience for everyone involved.” she smiled. 

Harry internally shuddered, it wasn’t well known outside his charges that he was in a committed relationship with the resident head of the science lab, Dr. Macy Vaughn. And even though it wasn’t public he had told Prof Crollins that he was not available to go out for drinks, ever, the last time she asked him to grab a drink with her. 

“Actually Prof. Crollins I’m not going to be teaching that class, my TA Melanie Vera will be taking it. I offered her the position yesterday and the benefactor interviewed her.” He stated. Prof. Collins straightened and fixed him with a look. 

“What is it with you and those Vera Girls, and the other one that’s their sister. You’re around them an awful lot, in fact don’t you live with them? I thought you had your own place?” she accused. 

“Um, we’re family, of sorts.” he fidgeted. He tried to tone down his public appearances with the girls he could excuse Mel because of her work in the women’s studies department, but not with poor Maggie who got some weird looks when he escorted her around arm in arm to discuss demon and witch things. They started using the excuse that he was their “Uncle” of sorts from their dad’s side, except Macy who just would call him a close friend. 

“Hmph, well if that’s how you want it.” she walked off in a huff, and Harry exhaled, now he was annoyed and upset by a twitter troll and a woman who couldn’t understand the word no. 

After that his day was just full of little stupid things that just added on to his annoyance. His favorite tie got ruined when someone tripped into him with their Starbucks drink and even though he orbed home to change shirts the tie was completely stained. He got into a heated discussion with one of his headstrong students who he hated to refer to them as, but it was true, a pain in his arse. The student even annoyed Mel with how bold and one track minded they were. His lunch went poorly too as he couldn’t even leave his office because he was swamped with papers, his tea supply had ran out, which he cursed himself for not realizing it, and he’d forgotten his lunch. He had to eat some rubbish tasting crisp from the vending machine. Macy had barely texted him back all day. Now he was feeling really shitty....

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Macy was thinking of a way to tell Harry the big news, she was pregnant, and 6 weeks along. She had tested herself 2 or so weeks ago, and a test she did at the lab confirmed she was pregnant, with a baby, by Harry. She had been nervous for the past couple of weeks since finding out, unsure of how to tell Harry, but she decided to do it tonight in a casual way because she could feel Harry getting more upset with himself as the days passed, knowing Harry he probably was beating himself up about whatever he thought he did wrong, which he did nothing wrong. 

The night their baby to be was conceived was a night Macy remembered and she knew exactly what day it was. Mother’s Day, she was sad as hell that day along with her sisters and after they all celebrated it together, in honor of Marisol(and Mama Roz) she sat in her room crying because while she braved it, it was a reminder that she didn’t really know her mother as well as her sisters. She released the pain that caused her to lose her mind to the Source 2 years ago but she still felt a human pain inside. Harry had found her and she had him take her surface pain away by replacing it with pleasure and comforted her with kisses and passion. 

She actually had left work early and made her way out on a task of shopping at multiple stores. She picked up soft wool yarn & a guide on how to knit for beginners, color swatches, some premium tea(for Harry), a toddler’s sectioned plate(it was so cute she couldn’t resist snagging the last one), and a prenatal yoga book. She of course knew it was too early to be buying some things, she had hear fears about her own baby’s health but she decided to focus on positive things. Like her adding another member to the Vera-Vaughn-Greenwood family. She was so engrossed in shopping she didn’t noticed Harry had texted her a few times. When she made it back home, she texted Harry that she was off work a little early and she’d be at home if he wanted to see her. He texted back ‘Yes, Please.’

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Harry dragged himself to his feet when he was finally done with a pile of papers, and orbed himself to the Vera Manor. 

“Macy?” he called out. 

“I’m in the living room Harry, could you make some tea? I bought some premium stuff from that high end food shoppe today.” she called back. 

“Sure, my love.” he sighed, he really wanted some tea to be honest. Harry walked to the kitchen and found a plate with children’s characters on it, from that Sesame Street show, he thought maybe at first it was a childhood plate of one of the girls, but it looked brand new, it had dividers in it, maybe they wanted it for meal prepping? 

“Macy, why is there a plate in here with elmo on it, is this one of Maggie’s new meal prep things?” he asked confused. 

“Its toddler’s plate silly, for toddlers to eat out of.” she replied. 

Hm, whatever, he learned to stop questioning the girls quirky antics further long ago. He inhaled the fresh tea and it almost made his rubbish day disappear. Once he got into the living room to cuddle it would be better. He made his tea tray up, and grabbed some small bite sized cookies he found, pink and blue sugar cookies. 

“Macy, I’ve been wanting to see you all day darling.” He gazed at her with love. “Erm, what are you doing?” 

“Hm?” she looked up. Macy was currently sitting on the couch surrounded by a big pile of jumbo sized yellow and white wool yarn. “Oh I’m going to learn how to knit, and make a small blanket.” she answered. “Maybe some little shoes or a scarf afterwards.” 

“Macy, a knitted pair of shoes aren’t practical unless your a baby, which those are more like socks. Socks are more practical.” 

“I also got some color swatches, I wonder which one is a little more gender neutral, maybe this pastel mint green or pastel yellow?” she asked. 

“Either one seems fine, dear.” he said preparing their tea.”What for?”

She hummed with a grin, and he sat down next to her and shot back up to see the rectangular object he just sat on. “What is this?” 

“Oh I picked up a new book for exercise.”

“Oh” he responded, pouring a cup of tea for her before reading the title. 

“Prenatal Yoga for First Time Mothers.” he read aloud. “I’ve heard it’s actually quite good for women in pregnancy to take up specialized Yoga, in fact I was discussing the other day-” Harry paused for a minute, blinked, and turned his head slowly to Macy who was stirring some sugar in her tea. “Macy dear.... why did you buy a book of yoga for pregnant women?” 

Macy sipped her tea, and looked at him with mischief in her eyes.

The fatigue of not wanting sex, the toddler’s plate, the yarn and knitting baby shoes, the book, the color swatches in colors suitable for a baby... bloody hell the pink and blue cookies... she’d even had been touching her belly a lot lately.... was Macy? Could she be?

“Are you?” his eyes began to gleam with tears threatening to burst in pure joy. 

“You’re going to be a Father, again, Harry Greenwood. I’m 6 weeks pregnant!” she said setting down her tea cup, to clasp his hands. 

“You are pregnant... you’re pregnant. I’m going to be a Father...” he stood up and scooped Macy up twirling her around, away from the yarn as to not trip. “I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER! OH, Macy, my love, I love you.” He kissed her all over her face. She laughed, and some tears of joy streamed down her face as well. They laughed and kissed for what seemed like ages.

“You wanna go celebrate?” she nuzzled her nose to his and nodded upstairs. He responded by kissing her. 

Perhaps this was the happiest he’s been in a long time. This was one of the best days of his life.

[cardioasscular]

Hi Julie! I'm new to tumblr so I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this. I think that I may have autism. I wasn't diagnosed, but I know that some people aren't diagnosed until later in life for a lot of reasons. I'm just curious if you had any advice for figuring out whether I am on the spectrum? I've done some research but it's hard to know where to start. No pressure if you can't/don't want to answer! :) From, Bee

It’s okay! No problem, and feel free to message me any time! I actually don’t know exactly what to tell you in all honesty because I can’t remember what my life was like before I was diagnosed (I was diagnosed at a young age - I think either 3rd or 4th grade). But I can definitely tell you some things that I know about myself/that I’ve experienced that may be able to help you!

-I’ve always had an intense obsession with one specific topic (usually one main one at a time, with others that are still intense, but not AS much), which has varied through the years. Many autistic people call it a “special interest,” mine right now is TGD. The first one I can remember is dogs, which (of course) I still and will always love. 

-Everything used to be way too loud for me. I do remember that I used to wear earplugs and snow earmuffs in the cafeteria in elementary school. Over time, I learned to be able to tolerate loudness more, but it can still get really overwhelming at times, especially if there’s more than one type of noise at the same time (like when I’m at work and the oven and dough presser are both going, along with people talking and phones ringing.)

-I can’t stand certain textures. Mine are greasy things, like liquid butter or bacon (I still eat it, but I have to get almost all of the grease off with paper towels), and those holographic/3D things that people love to scratch (and make THE WORST sound that I can’t stand, either). I have an autistic friend who can’t stand chalk or fleece. It varies - unlike my friend, I love fleece!

-I either talk way too loud when I’m comfortable around people, or if I’m not, I don’t talk much, if at all. I find it hard to look people directly in the eye and tend to look above or below their eyes. 

-Light, like sound, can get intense for me as well. I have to carry sunglasses with me because sometimes, especially if I’m tired because it seems like my sensory overload problems get worse when I’m tired, the sun is just way too bright and I can’t always get inside to avoid it.

-I tend to do some repetitive actions, and they bring me comfort. For example, I run my hands through my hair a lot, and I pick at/bite my nails and the skin around my nails (yeah, I know, it’s not good for me, I’m trying to kick that habit).

-I find “fidget toys” useful. My favorite are these spinner rings that I have: I have one that’s blue and silver and one that’s kind of rainbow-ish and silver - I got them as a set of 2 on Amazon for like $10 if you think you’d enjoy them!

-I love to hold and squeeze things like pillows and stuffed animals. It’s comforting to me, and the pressure feels amazing - I REALLY want one of those weighted blankets, but they’re expensive and I’m not 100% certain that I’d use it as much as I’d want to (I get really hot at night). 

-When I’m overloaded, sometimes I shut down. I don’t talk, I barely move, I space out, and I stare at one specific spot. Sometimes it scares both other people and myself because they don’t know what’s going on, and I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t physically get the words out. 

-Sometimes I feel my own emotions too intensely. If something makes me really excited, some people would say that I get “too excited.” On the other hand, the worst part is when I’m sad or upset because a minor thing that might make someone else stressed or sad (for example, I got confused about when lab met last week and missed it, and ended up having a meltdown because of it. Most people would probably be stressed and/or upset, but wouldn’t be as upset as I got.)

-On the flip side, I have an EXTREMELY hard time feeling for other people, which I hate because it makes me seem like the stereotypical “empathy-less autistic.” It’s hard for me to relate to others’ troubles, and even though I try to be comforting, I always feel like I’m not doing it right, or that I’m making it worse. There actually have been times when I HAVE made it worse, and it made me feel completely shitty. I’m horrible at giving advice (so if none of this helps, I am extremely sorry). 

-I’m horrible at teaching and giving advice. I have difficulty saying exactly what I mean sometimes, which means that sometimes, people get the wrong idea, or they just don’t understand what I’m trying to say. Most of the time, it’s fine and I can just explain more and people eventually know what I mean, but it’s gotten me into some deep shit before. 

-I’m incredibly observant, which is both a blessing and a curse at times given the situation. I notice things that others may not. A good example was when a few weeks ago, my psychology professor was trying to log into the computer, which was projected on the front of the room. It kept giving the “username/password is incorrect” message, and I noticed that she had accidentally hit the spacebar and there was a space before her username, which fixed the problem. A bad example is when there’s a ton of noise, like I mentioned earlier, or multiple people having multiple conversations. 

I could give so many more examples, but I feel like this is already much longer than I wanted in the first place. 

One thing that I would try is to ask some people around you that you love and trust if they notice any typical actions that seem “weird.” If you’re close with your parents, ask about your actions as a child. 

Questions like, “When did I start talking?” “Did I seem unattached to Mom/Dad at first?” “Did I have any ‘odd’ obsessions?” “Did I fit in with other children my age, or did I stand out due to ‘weird’ actions?” may help. 

Observe your actions, and see if you catch yourself doing something that you don’t know exactly “why” you’re doing it, that other people don’t typically seem to do. 

One thing that I think would really help, if you haven’t already, make some in-person friends (online friends are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but most of the time you can’t see how your online friends act) who are autistic! Observe some of their behavior, maybe ask a few questions like, “why do you do (x)?” and explain that you have some questions about autism, that you’d like to have a better understanding. Although I do feel uncomfortable talking about myself a majority of the time, I am always happy to explain to others who have a good heart and just want to understand, learn, and support. 

Every autistic person is different, so what others may do/feel may not apply to you, and that’s perfectly okay! 

It’s always good to ask questions, and I don’t know about your situation, but many public K-12 schools do some academic testing that can point you in the right direction. If you’re a university student (I’m not 100% sure about it, but the University of Tennessee in Knoxville does this), maybe look into your school’s psychology program. Students (under the direction of their professors, of course) can perform academic testing. I think this does cost, though, and I have no idea what the prices are. My college’s disabilities services program sent me to UT for testing and paid for it so I could have updated information, as my last evaluations were done in elementary school. 

Again, feel free to message me any time! I’m usually available, but sometimes I do get busy, which is why (and I’m so sorry about this) I took a super long time and answered you super late. 

(If you’re autistic as well and have any advice to offer, please feel free to add on!)