#feeling the symptoms of love in a car sucks btw

[xfand0mfr34kx]

I've been feeling emotions lately so ofc I draw Pebbles to cope

[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

[guardiandae]

tl;dr version: i hate to ask but... if we are mutuals, I would be grateful if you tag posts that have blood or gore (even Genos robogore) with ‘blood’ for my blacklist :’) thanks :’)

nobody did anything so don’t feel like this is @ someone or even the fandom. today I just had an incident and it reminded me like... ok this is still a bad issue for me and I should probs keep protecting myself. 

explanation:

fun fact about me: I am really squeamish (for lack of better word) about blood, gore, injuries, etc. I have ‘blood’ blacklisted and i’ve been fine for a while to the point where I feel silly about it.  but today in the car with my friend she was talking about her childbirth experience, in detail. probably like a ten minute conversation. and the funny thing is, I was uncomfortable, but not enough to ask her to stop talking because that felt rude, but after she was done talking, it started hitting me really badly over the next 1-2 minutes, to the point where she noticed and asked me if I was okay, and I had to admit that I absolutely was not. I told her that I legitimately wasn’t sure if I was going to throw up or pass out and it took several minutes for it to go away. usually I can just keep my discomfort to myself and hide it until it stops, but this was the worst reaction I’ve had yet. she told me next time to tell her and as dumb as i think it is for me to have this problem, I guess it’s dumber not to ask...

that was the worst I’ve ever felt, but it just reminded me that I’m not over my issue and need to keep protecting myself. it’s kind of random when and how badly is affects me (depends on how much I have to think about it) and I still think it’s dumb but it is a truly miserable feeling when it affects me. I’ve had fanart of something as innocuous as a nosebleed randomly set me off.

I also get somewhat affect by the robot gore that people love for Genos, although to a lesser extent, bc he gets damaged a lot and that’s ok and it’s easier to mentally distance myself... SOMETIMES. He’s still a person to me so it can be upsetting to see him ripped apart depending on the context, which is suuper subjective. but something like wireplay, on the other hand, I can’t handle 80% of the time for this reason. at best I’m like, ‘oh nice artwork - do not think about it!’ hence why reblogs are rare for me. (I just queued a wrecked Genos tho, and this reminded me of the fact that I should... make a post.)

-blood, gore, medical topics (biology, surgery), injuries, wireplay, robogore, etc, is all kind of stuff that I try to avoid, or interact with very tentatively.

if I end up getting set off, I basically get pre-syncope (which is like... everything except for actually fainting)

basics:

-my wrists get incredibly sensitive, I want to protect them but also cannot really touch them because it’s Too Much. ditto for ankles, feet and behind the knee, all the tender spots. -hands become weak, harder to function and hold objects -lightheadedness, “feeling faint” -just an overall horrible awful feeling

extreme:

-same sensitivity to wrists/limbs/tender spots. I don’t want to touch anything but also I can’t not touch. Try to curl into self or have to actually lie down if possible. -my hands lose their strength completely, can’t hold things like a pencil for instance, and have a very hard time even typing (also hard bc i dont want to touch) -horrible feeling and lightheaded but more intense -nausea -heavy breathing -entire body overheats, apparently (new experience for me)

even the “basic” symptoms take several minutes to stop and it just sucks and feels horrible but I don’t usually mention it. the extreme I would love to avoid forever at all costs. it fuckin sucks.

btw if anyone has a better word than “squeamish” or even pre-syncope bc nobody knows what that means, lemme know or suggest it to me because this is an Issue but I always feel dumb going “oh I’m squeamish” because it sounds like I’m just a weenie, but I got no control over this. I wasn’t even mentally dwelling on what my friend was saying, and I thought I was all good bc she’d stopped talking but it was like a delayed effect that took it from "I am uncomfortable” to “I am going to die” real fast.

anyway, I ramble. but yeah. just ‘blood’ is fine or maybe lemme know if you think of another tag I should blacklist. I feel weird asking. but at the same time if anyone wants me to add a tag to my stuff lemme know! I reblogged wrecked Genos like i said and felt weirdly hypocritical so I tagged it “body horror” and sometimes I also use “gore” or “blood” as appropriate but it probably isn’t consistent and uh, I should do better.

[koganphrancis]

Last night’s Shameless was so bad, Cameron had to tweet this deleted shit to try to provide some context.

Here’s his caption: “Many notable scenes are cut each season, but I was really disappointed to see this beautiful bit of writing by Dominique Morriseau go. Hope we’ll get to see it in DVD extras.”

So once again I’ll deal with this stupid shit before I deal with the episode’s stupid shit.  I for one am grateful this bit didn’t make it into the show.  I’ll start with the obvious-it’s more dismissal/retconning of Mickey and not only what he did actually do for Ian, but also of what he meant TO Ian.  Fans over on Twitter are saying what Ian said was technically true-that Mickey didn’t tell him he was amazing or could be something.  To me that’s splitting hairs-if Ian was too dense to see that Mickey thought the world of Ian, that he thought Ian could do anything he wanted to, that’s on Ian.  Mickey, more importantly, never BLOCKED Ian from doing anything he wanted to do.  Ian had a better source of support than most people ever get, and the show keeps insisting that it didn’t happen.

The next thing that bugs the hell out of me in that speech is that IAN DIDN’T DO ANY OF THAT FOR MICKEY EITHER.  So, even if he one hundred percent believes what he’s saying, he’s also saying that he knows that was wrong, so where was he when Mickey needed someone telling him he didn’t need to be a thug/drug dealer/pimp?  

And beyond that-why didn’t Ian ever visit Mickey in prison then?  If he’s aware that having someone believe in you makes all the difference?  AND WHY ISN’T IAN THERE FOR YEVGENY?  So, sorry, Cam, this “beautiful bit of writing” sucked.  

I will say that cutting the scene made what happened between Ian and the girl and Ian and Terror completely pointless and meaningless, but, hey!  That’s Shameless for you!  

Now for the episode itself-read more if you dare...

It was so shitty I’m really not going to waste time on most of it.  A few bullet points:

Ian’s done mourning (at least this week he was.  Since every week everyone is acting completely different from the week before, maybe mourning for Monica will be a thing for him again?).

Ian still has his job despite running out before his shift last week.  I’m not surprised, but they don’t even address it?

Fiona says utilities are included in the rent she’s charging-um, really?  I don’t know anything about the housing situation in Chicago, but in Massachusetts utilities aren’t included because of the cost of heating in winter/cooling in summer-and even if Fiona doesn’t pay for whatever is heating those apartments, since electricity is included in the fixed rent wouldn’t people just buy a shit ton of plug-in heaters and let her carry the expense?  

The cock mug was back-but Debbie drank out of it, not Ian.

Ian took “a” med-guess they found he only needs one drug to keep all his symptoms in check?  

Lip dreamed about tits (sorry you had to direct that scene, Regina King-you deserve better), but not one of his dream girls looked anything like Snore, LOL.  Snore was only in the background at the diner for one scene-no lines.  She’s the new Liam.  I don’t get why they brought her back this season when they obviously cottoned onto the fact that she’s not that good an actress.  Lip winds up banging the kickass chick at  the bike shop, but they’ve telegraphed that she’s going to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous participant and Lip’s sponsor will probably wind up having to lecture him at some point.  Yawn.  Youens wasn’t mentioned at all in this episode-maybe they’re done with him too?  Lip bringing that one meeting to his house took care of that?

The stuff with Kev’s family was reminiscent of Frank’s time at the commune with the yurts and did anyone need more of that?  Also, I’m sorry if I was supposed to get indignant on Kev’s behalf that the Kentucky folk abandoned him to go into foster care-Kev has a son with Vee’s mother that he has nothing to do with either, so maybe put that rock away while you’re in that glass house?  

Frank being a turn on to any woman is something they’ve done to death and it’s more unrealistic each time.  

Fiona had some big cathartic thing happen from Sean popping up-not really though.  There was the typical trope of her spewing all her shit before Sean could say why he was there, so all she did was look like a jackass assuming he was back to win her fair hand all over again when he was actually there to make amends and tell her he’s married.  She said a bunch of stuff about never being able to trust him that Terror should’ve said in 7X12 in a final farewell to the series scene.  Fiona went on and on about how Sean ripped her world apart and he was the love of her life and all this shit that the show never showed.  It was such crap and do they really think we’re invested in any of it?  Had they shown her suffering/missing him after the wedding fell through, maybe, but they didn’t and it’s too late to convince us now.  (BTW Sean’s wife was young and pretty-of course she was.)  

The other Fiona thing for the week is that Nessa is her fucking toady at the apartment building-in constant touch with Fi and acting as her right hand when she’s not there...doesn’t she have a job as an accountant for an airline?  Isn’t that a pretty much 9-5 job?

Liam’s still in school, but Carl’s not in school?  What?  Also, Carl’s storyline is as boring as it is unbelievable and again I can’t believe that they expect us to be invested in it.  The veteran he’s going to help out-had no lines.  

Now the Ian stuff.  First off, anyone can just wander in the EMT bay where they keep the open, unlocked trucks.  The chick Ian helped in a previous episode turns up saying how he said if she needed help, she could go to him.  Then the cut scene should’ve happened, but all we got was Ian tucking her in on the couch and walking up the stairs, pausing to look back at her.  The scene was...weird.  The girl looks a bit like a poor man’s Peyton List-same moon face, just take Pey’s make up and hair extensions off and she could’ve played the role-and that just took me out of the story-we’re supposed to feel a bit anxious about Ian being involved with a teen here, so how ‘bout irl?  

Anyway, next time we see Ian, he’s waking up in his tiny bed with the girl laying there with him.  Damn Ian must be a sound sleeper if he didn’t notice someone crowding in there with him-remember, he’s only taking one med now, so I’m not buying that it knocks him out unless it was a Benadryl.  Ian’s only in boxers (so at least my prediction of never seeing him shirtless again didn’t come true-but who wants to see him topless with a teenage girl?), and he wakes the girl up and climbs over her and pulls some pants on.  She gets out of his bed in just her undies and a tight tank top and says it was creepy downstairs so she came up to sleep with him.  

So, in this week’s “there’s been no character development” highlight-here we have Ian acting as clueless as he was with Mandy in Season 1, when 15 year old Ian couldn’t find a way to let a girl know he’s gay/not interested in them/that it’s wrong for them to be all over him.  Let’s reset Ian to zero-forget all his life experience AND make him so dumb as a 22 year old that he doesn’t realize he needs to tell teen girls NOT to get into bed with him.  Nope, he just picks up her phone off his bed and puts his number in there so she can call him “the next time she needs a place to crash”.  

Lip sees the chick come out of Ian’s room-doesn’t even say anything about the age of consent or whatever.  

The girl must see herself out, because next we have Lip and Ian coming into the kitchen where Fiona has been sitting up all night smoking Lip’s pack of Camels.  Ian misses a perfect opportunity to tell Fi she’s lucky Sean’s married to someone else-he would’ve set a match to her life otherwise.  Ian’s wearing a tank top by now and he has a farmers tan and it made me sad.  

Next time we see Ian, Terror pops up in the truck bay at work.  He gives Ian shit about the teen girl, Ian says he was just trying to help, they try to argue but their lack of chemistry smothers that too.  Even though for once Ian sort of sticks up for himself and says, “Would you mind easing up a bit” (on the lecturing), it was just lame.  Terror says Ian can’t let kids from the shelter sleep with him, Ian says, “I’m gay,” (so, Terror didn’t know?) and that there was nothing sexual about it and he was just trying to help, but Terror says she’s an incest victim and these kids don’t know when something’s sexual or not (or something-I didn’t bother jotting it down).  For once Terror has a point, except he ruins it by making it all about HIM, as always.  He says it’s bullshit that Ian was trying to help (um, no it’s not?  He really was?) and that Ian’s trying to weasel his way back into Terror’s life, but then, instead of telling Ian that they’re never going to get back together, he just says, “do not use these kids to do it.”  UGH!  NOOOO!  That was as much as saying, “We’re going to get back together, but not for this reason.”  FUCK NO!!!!  DEVIL!!!!  Ian at least gives him a fuck you look to end the scene, but...

the next time we see Ian, he’s walking home in his bright red sneakers and Terror pulls up next to him in his shitty little Terror-mobile.  He gets out of the car and commends Ian for Teenie wanting to get into a junior firefighters’ program (which makes zero sense without Cam’s tweet).  Ian says something like did he do  something right or whatever, and asshole Terror says, “You’re not out of the doghouse-yet.”  NOOOOOO!  Not “yet”!  Fuck you, Terror, just walk away from this!  He’ll fuck you over and you know it!  You’re never going to keep him interested in you-no one knows why he’s ever been involved with you to begin with!!!!  Ian perks up like the kicked puppy he is with these assholes and says, “What can I do to make it right?”  Terror says he can help him find housing for the kids.  WHAT?  HOW?  Terror has contacts and ways of making that happen and he can’t do it-WTF is Ian supposed to do?  What a lame, obvious plot point to keep them “together”.  It’s such horseshit!!!  Anyway, Ian says, “OK, I can do that,” and fucking Terror says, “Thank you.”  I’m now predicting that Geneva the teen dies in the episode after next and Ian cries down at the docks and Terror follows him there to tell him it isn’t his fault, he tried, and then they’ll fuck and I’ll puke.  

The final scene is the family (and Nessa?) all gathered in the living room, and all it did was highlight what a pale shadow the show is of its former self.  They’ve lost whatever spark they used to have.  

A final thought: Terror’s eyebrows are really taking over his entire face.  In the scene in the EMT barn, they were all I could see.  They just sit there like big furry caterpillars and make his face even less expressive as an actor.  

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Either Bucky or Tony is very shy when thi gs turn towards cuddling,kissing,nudity,sex and the other helps them overcome it

As usual, please remember that unanswered prompts aren’t bad prompts. Sometimes, our authors/artists just don’t get inspired, and after a certain amount of time it makes more sense to post them as unanswered.

If anyone wants to fill one of the unanswered prompts, go right ahead. And if you send us the link to it once you’ve posted it, we’ll even share it here on the blog!

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Imagine: Tony and Bucky come out publicly after being together for years and they gotta deal with the backlash from public figures. But then a couple weeks later same-sex-marriage is legalized and fluff because Bucky proposes?    

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out of all of the Avengers Tony is actually the most health conscious. when the others moved into the tower they thought he wasn't taking care of himself but he actually takes good care of his body. and for a good reason, his immune system is all shot due to the reactor so when he starts showing symptoms of a bad case of the flu and he Bucky take care to make it so it doesn't get bad. however it sneaks up on him and hits him like a freight train, 103 degree fever, and all.  

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Somehow I can't stop imagine Tony as a Despicable Me dad. Only that the minions are his boots and those cute flying batteries from his sorcerer supreme alternative-self. And I can't stop thinking of Bucky as a teacher to those children that gets somehow sucked up into the world of this very strange and crazy man and can't help fall in love with first his children and than this strange guy and his even stranger companions.      

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(Mind the cut, mobile users!)

Imagine a parent trap-ish AU where Bucky's kid and Tony's kid are friends at school (their age is up to you :) and they're total besties and they know their dads are totally into each other even though they won't admit it, so it would be super awesome if their dads get married and they become a family right?? :DDD

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Hello lovelies, I love the work that you all do, I was hoping you could do a story where tony has asthma due to the fact part of his lungs were taken out to make room for the reactor.  Bucky freaks out when he learn that he has asthma and starts to mother hen Tony. How tony react is up to the writer.            

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how about a The Martian AU? Bucky and Tony are apart of the Hermes crew and were sent to Mars along with the others ( Steve being the commander ). Tony and Bucky were already a couple when they left earth and Bucky planned on asking Tony to marry him when they got back but then Tony is lost and presumed dead. then they find out that Tony is not dead but surviving on Mars like a badass, they get him back and Bucky finally gets to propose. Tony says yes of course!            

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Tony suddenly loses all of his money (only for a short while) And he gets super sad and scared, because he just knows the Avengers will now leave him. They have no more reason to stay right? They don't like him, so now they have the perfect opportunity to leave. He can't provide for them anymore. Who cares that he loves them so much? But to his suprise the moment they find out they just start helping and when they realise what he had thought they start hugging and telling him that they love him.   

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Hi first I want to say how grateful I am for all the amazing stories all the authors write, I can't get enough of them. (Imagine that when Bucky loses control of the Winter Soldier,he seeks physical challenge not trough fight but trough sex,for some reason he keeps finding Tony for that,but when he comes to he doesn't remember that. So tony thinks bucky only wants sex. I know the matter of consent is unclear here so I would understand if you decide to ignore this)       

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(part 1) AU where Tony is still a child when the Winter Soldier kills his parents. Because Bucky is brainwashed, he has to follow the order to kill them, but instinctively tries to hurt as few people as the orders let him (like shooting through Natasha and letting her live in MCU). Tony is in the same car when his parents are killed, but doesn't see much. afterwards, Bucky gets Tony out of the wreckage and to safety, and takes care of him until emergency services arrive, and vanishes. (part 2) Over the years, Tony may start to notice strange things happening around him that prevent him from being hurt in accidents.

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Everybody adores Tony. That means everybody wants Tony Time he and Nat watch ocean documentaries, cuddling. Steve and he draw together, Tony blue prints, Steve, usually another teammate. He bakes with Clint, science time w/ Bruce, falling asleep on Thor as he tells stories about the stars. There is always some sort of cuddling involved with Tony Time (Tony loves it) and Bucky gets the least and is grumpy about it cuz he loves Tony and wants to hold him all the time and Tony is oblivious of this.

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Imagine Bucky being the only one on the team able to handle things to Tony. Maybe the team (or pepper) realize before Tony, and Bucky not understanding why it's a big deal (or on the contrary Bucky being really proud and happy, he is the only one).... Yeah anything about Tony trusting Bucky to handle him things... Thanks!!! You guys are doing an amazing job and all your fics and drawings are beautiful!            

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My last Prompt of 2015 goes to you lovelies! Bucky is tired of  his dads (the howlies), Steve, Natasha, Sam& even Clint! giving him grief over being single every effing holiday. (They just want him to be happy, but damn.) This weekend is the annual 4th of July get away to the family cabin. Well this year he's bringing his fiance! Okay fake-fiance. Tony the sexy mechanic, he flirts with on the way to work. Only he hasn't exactly asked Tony yet.. Oops! Thank you for all the lovely fics this year!   

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Can you do one where Tony is sent back in time and falls in love with Bucky and when he comes back to the present he falls in love with James ( the name Bucky prefers to go by after regaining his memories) as well? 

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Tony takes his baby daughter to an art gallery (at the insistence of Pepper), and Bucky is there to support Steve. In front of an ambiguous piece of modern art, the baby points to a splotch in the painting and deems it "poo." Unfortunately this gets Tony into a bit of fuss with the artist, and that's when Bucky decides to help the gorgeous man he's been eyeing all night instead of the art.   

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Tony and Bucky got together but maybe it was at a bad time, where one or both of them are emotionally or perhaps physically vulnerable, so it's mostly arguments and they break it off but after a couple of years of angst and avoidance, they decide to try again   

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Imagine medieval au where King/Prince Tony and King/Prince Steve are arranged to be married but Tony fell for Steve's royal knight and best friend Bucky instead (despite them arguing a lot) 

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Maybe Avengers using pick up lines on Tony or Bucky for Bucky or Tony?

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Avengers being mean shits and flirting with Tony just to make Bucky jealous, cause they are so done with his pinning.      

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Tony is acting just fine ang happy, but then something triggers him, so he runs to the lab. A little bit latter JARVIS ask Bucky to go to the lab. When he gets down there he find Tony in the middle of a panic attack. Fluff angst ensues.      

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Imagine Tony being totally annoyed with having to help with the whole de-program Bucky shit. Really he just sits there and reads a Russian dictionary out loud and looks if Barnes reacts ... well Tony is annoyed until he finds the one phrase a young HYDRA recruit planted in the Winter Soldier programming for shit and giggles, the one that no one at HYDRA ever found out about, the one phrase Bucky has no bad memories of - the instand-orgasm-phrase!   …lol   

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Imagine prince Anthony is betrothed to somebody that he has never met and he does not want to marry so he runs away you can have this go anyway that you want     

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Prompt: Bucky has a talent for making good coffee. Amazing coffee, really. Tony, as everyone knows, has a coffee problem. (And if that makes for a great excuse to spend more time with Bucky, well...) (Basically, fluffy coffee-themed shenanigans? Please?)

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Bucky works at an animal shelter, tony finds a stray dog and they hit it off during the check up so tony actively seeks dogs around the city's streets in order to bring  them to him to spend more time with him     

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Prompt: Winter Soldier goes to kill the Starks, but (Hydra) Tony is with them. "Mission compromised. Report to handler Stark for punishment".     

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Bucky and Tony start a relationship post cacw. Tony doesn't tell Bucky that he and Steve had a relationship because he is afraid he will be like Steve and choose everyone over him       

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Post civil war Tony no longer trusts the team. He pretends like everything is normal only trusting Bucky even more so than he did the team before. The team realises how bad they fucked up and they can't fix it.     

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Oh man I'm so pumped prompts are open again okay so I've been dying for a Mr and Mrs Smith au with these two! But instead of two organizations its Iron Man doing his own thing vs Hydra (who Bucky thought was doing the right thing) ft Avengers trying to bring them both in (on the team or to jail no one is sure). Thanks!  

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"The Last of Us" AU, where someone (Tony or anyone else) is immune to the cordyceps infection and the other person(s) tasked with the job of taking them to wherever they're going to create a cure.  

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P1 Can you Write one about Tony who is blind from birth (Whether the team knows or if its a quiet afair is yours) but still manage to fall in love with Bucky voice and Bucky doesn't understand why Tony never see him but gets a gloom face when he talk P2 when in reallity thas's Tony's face of trying not to show how that voice makes him feel Thank you Btw your blog is amazin & there isn't enough words to say how much we love you! & how we wait for 11am to read all of you or how many times we read u

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Can we get a sequel to the prompt where Tony is sneaking around so Bucky follows him and finds that he volunteers to work with kids (sciencing). Maybe where they do adopt Bruce after their heart to heart.    

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Hello, how about young (18-19) Tony being Ironman and an avenger and lots of UST between Tony and Bucky. And the team finds out that Tony has been trained as a spy and that he sometimes works for SHIELD. Cue badass Tony and worried/protective Bucky.         

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[not-another-imagine-blog]

Not the Needles (Auston Matthews)

Anonymous said:

can you do #62 from the drabble list with Auston matthews where the reader doesn't want to go into the doctors office to get a needle or something like that please? I love your writing btw

#62: “I’m not going in.” - “Then we’re not going to get a treat after.”

Word count: 1435

Warnings: Mentions of needles, mentions of medical care facilities, mentions of Stranger Things (no spoilers, I promise).

Author’s note: This is way longer than I meant it to be, so it’s more of a full out imagine than it is a drabble. 

You wake up to a sudden fit of coughing for the third time this morning. As you sit up, desperately trying to catch your breath, you hear Auston at the door to your apartment.

“(Y/N)? You okay?” He asks.

“I’m...fine…” You wheeze, grabbing a blanket in hopes to stop your chills as you shuffle to the door. You slowly open it and force a weak grin to appear on your face.

“Oh sweetheart, you look absolutely terrible! I thought you said you were better last week?” You shrug.

“Yeah, because that’s what every girl wants to hear from her boyfriend.” You’re so congested that it takes Auston a second to decipher what you said.

“Do you have a fever?” You outwardly sigh as Auston lays a freezing hand against your forehead, the cool providing instant relief. “Jesus, (Y/N), you’re burning up! C’mon.” He gently grabs your shoulders and steers you towards the couch, where you basically fall, already starting to doze again. “Where’s your thermometer?” Auston says gently, stroking your cheek.

“Bathroom.” You mumble. You can vaguely hear Auston rummaging around before he appears in your line of sight again.

“Here.” He holds it up to your mouth. You take it from him and stick it under your tongue, waiting patiently for the beep. When the thermometer finally beeps, Auston takes it from you, his face instantly going white. “When was the last time you checked your temp?” He asks.

“Dunno, maybe...two days ago? It felt like it was going down. Why, is it back up?”

“You have a 103.2 fever. Here, sit up. Don’t fall asleep!” He helps you sit up and wraps you in a blanket when he notices your teeth chattering. Auston fumbles with his phone, dialing a number for what you assume is a doctor’s office.

“Hi, yeah, my girlfriend’s really sick-”

“No I’m not!” You protest. He pulls the phone away from his mouth and looks at you.

“What are your symptoms?” He asks. You tell Auston, who then relays the information to whoever’s on the other line.

“She’s been sick for about a week and a half. Cough, congestion, fatigue, chills, her chest hurts, her face is really flushed and she has a fever of 103.2. She said she didn’t check it for a couple of days because she thought it finally went down. Should I bring her in?” He asks. You close your eyes for just a little bit, hoping you can get some rest. “Hey! No, look at me, okay?” He grabs your chin and forces you to look at him.

“Let me sleep.” You whimper, absolutely miserable.

“Yeah, we can be there in 15. Thank you so much, doctor.” Auston turns his phone off.

“We’re gonna go to the hospital, alright? They think you have pneumonia.” You try and get up, waving Auston’s hands away. You’re all too grateful for him, however, when your legs give out and you go falling to the ground. Auston catches you and hauls you up, deciding to just carry you to the car.

“Auston, I haven’t changed my outfit in, like, two days.” You grumble, looking down at one of Auston’s Leafs hoodies that you had stolen and the pair of black leggings that you had been wearing after you left class early two days ago. Auston laughs.

“I promise you, that’s the least of everyone’s worries right now.” He puts you in the passenger seat and helps you get buckled up before getting in on his side, starting his car and driving more erratically than normal. You start to doze again as Auston talks on the phone, weaving in and out of traffic.

“Not gonna be at practice...She’s really, really sick, Coach...103...Maybe pneumonia?” You catch bits and pieces of the conversation as you drift in and out of consciousness.

“Are you missing practice?” You mutter, not opening your eyes. Auston glances over at you, rubbing your knee.

“It doesn’t matter. I just want you to get better.” He pulls into a parking space and quickly carries you into the urgent care clinic. The moment the two of you enter the sterile building, a doctor greets you.

“You must be Auston and (Y/N)?” He asks. Auston nods, setting you in a chair. The doctor kneels down in front of you.

“(Y/N), can you follow my finger?” He shines a light in your eyes as you do what he says. The doctor clicks the light off and checks your vitals quickly.

“We’d have to do some more tests, but I’m almost certain she has a pretty good case of pneumonia and a good bit of dehydration.”

“Is she going to be hospitalized?” Auston asks. The doctor shakes his head.

“No, we can prescribe you the medication and get some fluids in her through an I.V. really fast, shouldn’t take longer than an hour.” Now it’s your turn to go white as you sit upright in the chair.

“No!” Auston and the doctor both look at you as you shake your head. “I’m fine, I-I don’t need an I.V.”

“Can you give us a minute before taking her back?” Auston asks. The doctor nods.

“Of course.” He steps away, giving you two some privacy. Auston turns to you, lips twitching.

“Are you scared of needles?” You don’t even bother to make up some excuse.

“Maybe I am, so what?” You challenge.

“Sweetheart, I’m going to be there the whole time. You’ll only feel a little stick and then you’ll feel so much better, I promise.”

“Auston, I really don’t want to do this.” Your eyes start welling up, a combination of being sick and being scared overwhelming you.

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t be scared. Look...after you’re done, we can binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix? And we can get ice cream; I’m sure your throat must be killing you.” You both had been dying to watch Stranger Things, having made a pact that you wouldn’t watch it alone. Unfortunately, the both of you were too busy to even watch the first episode together.

“But don’t you have a game tonight?” You ask. Auston shakes his head.

“That doesn’t matter. You’re sick, I’m not going to abandon you like that.” You hold out a hand, letting him know you’re ready. He helps you up and the two of you follow the doctor to the exam rooms. You stop right outside the room, however, when you see the I.V. bag and needle sitting on the counter.

“I’m not going in.” You start trying to back up, Auston’s strong arms stopping you.

“Then we’re not going to get a treat after.” Auston says stubbornly. You laugh and look at him.

“What am I, five?”

“I don’t know, are you?” You sigh, eventually walking into the room. You shakily sit in the chair, eyes never leaving the needle. Auston pulls up a chair and sits, hands holding yours. “Look at me, (Y/N).” He coaxes. You tear your eyes away from the needle and look at his smiling face. “You’re doing really good, y’know that? I just wish you would’ve told me you were still feeling terrible.” You shrug.

“You’ve been so busy lately, and the team’s doing so good! I just didn’t want to tear you away from it because I had a cold.”

“It’s obviously not a cold. We’re a team, (Y/N). That means that we work together. I’m not going to leave you in your time of need. What’s that thing they say? ‘In sickness and in health?’” He teases.

“We’re not married, Auston.”

“Rules still apply.” He challenges.

“Is the needle in my arm yet?” You whisper.

“Sweetheart, it’s been in your arm for a good two minutes.” You look and, sure enough, there it is, sitting snug against your arm, fastened in place by tape. You let out a laugh of triumph before whipping your head back towards Auston.

“Yep, definitely cannot look at it.” You confirm. Auston chuckles before kissing your forehead.

“I hope you’re ready for nine hours of Stranger Things.” You nod enthusiastically as Auston continues to keep your mind occupied.

Auston is sucked into the show immediately, something you had easily anticipated. When the boys find Eleven in the woods, Auston lets out an actual gasp.

“This show is so good, (Y/N).” He looks at you to see your response when, instead, he sees you lying against his shoulder, sound asleep. He adjusts you to make sure you’re comfortable and pulls the blankets up over the two of you before kissing your forehead and turning on the next episode.

[mycesspoolofdemons]

August 29, 2018

It’s been over a year now since I’ve decided to take my life back and now, more than ever, I am loving it. I am doing things that I never thought I’d be doing. I never realized how much was out there because for a long time I thought that I knew all that there was to know about living. I knew how to work and I knew how to love. But what I didn’t know is that you can truly better yourself every day and that in itself is a miracle. (I’m rambling about nothing right now because that’s what I always do. My thoughts are never organized. Anyway, a boy just messaged me and it’s distracting because now I can’t help but to distract myself by thinking about him and wondering what he’s thinking and if he’s thinking of me. Okay, enough.) So I wanted to backtrack. Last year, I wasn’t happy. Not with myself or with him or with where I was living or with how I was living. It was nice to live away from home, but with that came it’s own struggles. And with him, they just seemed to be piled on and the pile never got smaller, only bigger by the day. The weight never seemed to bother me though because it was as though little by little was added every day without me noticing that it really did get heavier. But the emotional stress also got to me and I had enough. I knew that my decision was going to break me, at least for a little while. I had committed so much time and energy to this person, so it was hard to accept that I had “wasted my time” on him. (Now I know that this time wasted was actually a blessing in disguise because with it came experience and lessons learned. With that relationship, I take with it the knowledge to make better choices in my life.) So yeah, there’s that. My decision. It happened. Finally. And I broke. But for a long time I tried really hard to be okay. I even went through the motions and went to school and everything. Then I got around to taking my pharmacy certification test and I passed! So I mailed in my application and became a Certified Pharmacy Technician :) And I am so proud of that. I really feel that I pushed myself in the best direction that I could have at that time. Then Papa had a stroke that put himself in the hospital. Thinking about it right now almost brings me to tears. I don’t know what our family would do without him. He is so strong and I admire that. He got really depressed for awhile after that because half of his entire body was pretty much paralyzed and it took a long time for him to regain that back. I admire him so much. And I am so proud that he got through that without the help of the prison. He pushed himself as we all do. Anyway, then I finally gathered myself and made another decision to change. Not only did my mental health suffer, but so did my physical health. It was time for me to remove my birth control. (It was giving me really bad symptoms and periods and cramping. It was a really negative experience.) So yeah, boom. Gone. Then came the car accident. Literally the very next day. And right before finals week. It SUCKED. And I’d like to say that the accident put things in perspective for me, but it didn’t. It could have been a near death experience but it wasn’t. (Thank God.) But I really did try and contemplate life after that. I had started submitting applications for work so that I could put my license to use and get the experience that I needed. I spent time with family and I just kept on keeping on. But still, I felt numb because I think I wasn’t trying to grieve my relationship anymore. It was so hard. Then, just a month or two later I dropped 15 pounds. Who wouldn’t be happy to drop 15 pounds without even trying? I definitely was. And in February I got interviewed for my current job now and I was hired! It’s been a dream, really. Everything has been playing out so well for me and I’m loving it. Yes, there have been ups and downs along the way but whose life doesn’t have those? So then, finally, after thinking about it for awhile, I finally opened up my life to dating.And dieting, after losing another 5 pounds. I saw this guy only twice but that was enough to push me up onto the next level of my confidence and I feel like I’ve just been climbing this mountain ever since. And I joined Grace on her weight loss journey, but it’s been so much more than that. When you take control of your health, you truly take hold of your life. Every day I am learning more and more about my body and what it needs and how far it can be pushed and just how to get stronger every day. I had always been so frustrated with myself because I want things to happen right away but truthfully, these things happen when you’re not looking. Or at least when you’re not paying attention. You can become so focused on one thing and not notice that something else is developing in plain sight and you were just looking in the wrong direction the entire time. Even with relationships whether it’s romantic, friendships, work, or just human interactions. So many doors open up when you open yourself to people. Yes, it can be daunting meeting new people but how do you ever expect your life to change if you don’t? It was very out of my comfort zone going to meet a stranger in Fresno for a date and it was also very out of my comfort zone going on a date with one, two, three, four, and, even five strangers. Even trusting someone to be there for me to help push me towards my health goals. People and life are just so amazing. Btw, I’ve lost another 10 pounds :) That’s 30 in total! In one year. I feel so accomplished and I feel like my life is going in a direction I never knew was there. Plus, I now fit in size 9 jeans again which has not been possible for years. I’ve joined Grace’s fit camp with a bunch of other girls like me. I got a call Monday from a potential transfer store so I can work closer to home. I actively participate in my Physics group and we’re gonna build a catapult. I am talking to a guy that I feel like is (finally) on my level and he might like me. But that’s not the amazing part, the amazing part is that I am an adult and this is dating. Like, it’s not like hey, be my boyfriend and boom, you can’t talk to anyone else. It’s actually like okay let me get to know you and see if I like you and we can make this decision together. Plus whatever happens physically, which is a bonus. And it’s human. But making connections with people is so amazing and it introduces you to how different but similar people can think compared to you. Idk, I am just so mesmerized with life right now. So much good is happening for me right now. I love it. Oh and I’m gonna go catch up with Sam on Friday :) Another bonus. I love her and I miss her. Her moving away thought has taught me why people move away for work. Plus it’s an attraction thing. I feel like I’m attracted to bigger cities and eventually I will be pulled in that direction, but for now I will continue to grow and educate myself here until the time comes. Anyway, that’s my update and it’s been in my head for days and I needed to let it out, I just wasn’t sure how. Oh. I also go to the gym now. I try to go 4 times a week, which I think is pretty impressive compared to neverhaving gone before this year. 2018 has just been so full of progress and finding myself and learning about myself.

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

[marlaalcott]

I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.