#fighting for my life out here w the body dysmorphia

[almasidaliano]

“listen to your thoughts”

shout out to the god beings not only nurturing their god genes; also spreading truth and knowledge to the youth ‘bout what it all means. i got pulled away, i still exist within a hectic day to day however this seed simply must be spread.

here it is my two cents; listen with an open mind and then you decide what your inner truth is.

every definition society has written about what it means to be successful, accepted, even morally good are just distractions you can’t “visualize” because they’re ingrained in the way you conceptualize. i know that sounds strange, you see the things they don’t say, and/or label “fiction/fake/stay away” are answers to questions they don’t want to explain. they (& who the fuck is they anyway? they make your hell comfortable, so you found - contentment? and caved. so as their dreams went from pictures to reality, we?- scribbled on our paintings and took our place within this insanity? perpetuating stereotypes, ALL THE -ISMS, inequality, and innocent victims steadily die, because their hatred stained our minds. i’ll tell you a secret “power lies in the compliance.” the natives of this land, were too “peaceful” at the time to keep it. who the fuck is anyone to tell you who to be? or who you are? or what it is that you deserve? who is anyone to condemn you or even idolize your worth? NOBODY IS SUPERIOR DUMMIES. if you here, we all chosen in this realm for something. we are all one. you can’t be better at being me than me, and vice versa. your dreams are yours. YOUR CONFIDENCE, your DREAMS, YOUR VOICE, YOUR CHOICES- they are YOURS ALONE. when you enter this world you have to trust your senses as a baby, because you don’t naturally understand this language; or at least how to verbally communicate with it.

pop quiz : what’s society’s favorite thing to do to the youth?

answer? CRUSH THEIR DREAMS, teach them “discipline” and “obedience”. navigate their paths so they are fit their labels and view the rest of the world like that.

minorities are the majority. no one talks about that tho. the physiques of our black queens, they couldn’t copy to a T. so they redrew “beauty” so we wouldn’t fit the definition. colorism further dividing the unity we existed in. cause there’s this crazy misconception that “light skins” have it best; except we don’t cause in the end they treat us just like they treat them. the only difference is, we were their jestures, their entertainment. our humiliation satisfies them, something dangerous. we’re the guinea pigs, we’re the bastards, we’re the “mistakes” that weren’t mistakes until you saw our pigmentation. our thick curly hair and the magic we contain. envy beloveds, is a terrible thing. and reflections we love to to condemning the aggressors; it’s 2021 at this point are we any better? all this turmoils make y’all bitter. y’all keep telling them to change. they want y’all to fight so they can keep doing the same things. keep making you the villain, and taking your humanity away. change your ideology about everything. look into everything. take what hits, resonates and fits your ideal existence. if you believe in magic, you can do anything be persistent.

be original. be weird, it means authentic and eccentric. they coated their amazement with a tone of isolation, this cold negative connotation. don’t speak out, don’t stand out, they wanted to keep us caged in. athletes don’t have to dumb, nerds aren’t awkward at all, everyone can be friends, just takes a little respect that’s all. fuck your parents. fuck their ideas and their wants for you. if you want for you, why live your life based off of others? you owe no one anything. if you take advice and things go wrong, whose fault is it?

yours. why? because they ADVISED, can’t a soul make you do shit in this life. so only do what you want to, you’ll find more fulfillment, or at the least a lesson in growth. because no matter who you tryna please, the weight is all your own. so why not let it be your own?

money is nothing, if your times truly valuable. you shouldn’t do shit for money, cause you’ll hate the conditions of your routine environment that constricts your growth and then you can wilt away entirely. wealth and fortune are obtained by the bold, whether heinous or innovation it’s the risk the passion behind a dream one can’t not indulge in. if you wouldn’t die for what you’re doing, for how you’re living change that shit.

if being you makes people you thought you had leave, thank your ancestors and guides for the cleansing of your space. you have to love you like you love whatever you believe in. if your creator made you as you are, why you letting someone who has no idea what your purpose is, deter your focus?

ever heard of body dysmorphia ? they got society in a soul purpose dysmorphia. got warriors, philosophers, healers, teachers, leaders, builders, hunters, farmers etc., “magic” capabilities they got you convinced are just make believe, yet so a man thinketh so is he. you still w me? so look, maybe it’s hard, maybe it’s on the side of the unpopular opinion. matching energy ain’t what’s in, maintain your shit and balance will align with it. CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE. away with putting ourselves down, self criticism is not self bashing.

really it’s the influence the outside seems to have on people. i got beat on and bullied because i’m a nerd an athlete and i’m pretty. i don’t “condemned” for disagreeing with certain interpretations and meanings within religion because they contradicted the things “followers” were being. in the end, i defended myself by any means, even got the congregation viewing the world like little ole me, i saved and kept saving the souls shelled up in the “outcasts” the “rebels”. even some souls in the pawns tainted and evil. because when i speak, you feel my meaning. i’m the poster child for every ounce of “difference” they’re trying to label “abomination” now, and still somehow i’m America’s favorite flower child. i am the voice for the weak, and the scared, and those who still don’t have courage to share, for those who think nobody cares; maybe they don’t, sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t, for those who feel nothing but anger, just rage; for the wanderers who don’t know whether they can effect change. you can do anything, YOU WANT TO DO. people die for no reason, they die with regret, they die after a life they never truly lived. honestly, for god sakes people just fucking live. as you see fit, make mistakes learn from them. network and connect with neighbors. don’t hate ignorant strangers.

create a force field for yourself, meditate and visualize the energy around you. keep all negativity and leeching energy away. remind yourself you are as you are perfection. everyday. and then just be okay?

a.

[nrip]

Picture Perfect: Social Media and Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a disorder where one is preoccupied with an imagined defect in their physical appearance or when one has a distorted perception of their body image (Alavi et al., 2011; Franca et al., 2017; Ribeiro, 2017) which causes distress and hinders daily life functionality (APA, 2000). It stems from the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder spectrum and individuals must show the following signs in order to be diagnosed and treated:

Fixation with one or more perceived defects in appearance which are not visible to others

Repetitive behaviors and/or mental acts regarding appearance – mirror checking, excessive grooming, reassurance seeking

Significant distress and impairment in social, occupational and other functioning areas

Obsession with the appearance isn’t better explained by an eating disorder

Categories of BDD:

Mild/Moderate Symptoms:

Non-significant impairment in global functioning.

Appearance concerns are localized.

Concerns are realistic to psychosocial norms

Severe Symptoms:

Patients show impairment in global functioning and display avoidant behavior

May have depressive or anxious symptoms

Extremely preoccupied with defect and have delusional beliefs about appearance – may indulge in constant mirror checking or even self mutilation

Cosmetic procedures seem like a safety net

Both Severe and Mild Symptoms:

Frequent anxiety regarding appearance

Constantly checking mirrors and comparing self to others

Display referential thinking, feeling that others feel the same way about the defects

Resorting to unnecessary cosmetic/dermatological procedures and making abnormal demands to surgeons

Social Interaction or Social Altercation?

Social interactions have long been the primary way of human survival. Programmed by genetics to survive in packs, human interaction is one of the most important evolutionary behaviors. However, as time passed, the world changed.

So did people.

Interacting with people doesn’t necessarily mean a healthy survival. With negative behaviors of the likes of derogatation, racism and stereotyping being displayed, those with sensitivities to physical appearances might not fare too well.

Cognitive-Behavioral and Learning models have claimed that negative experience of body image (bullying, teasing) at an impressionable age condition values and beliefs about attractiveness and body image. Usually, these are accompanied with anxiety, shame or disgust at one’s appearance. (Neziroglu et al., 2008).

A study also found out that children who suffered from emotional, sexual and physical abuse may show tendencies towards developing BDD, stemming from the results of a study that showed 38% of 50 BDD patients reported abuse (Neziroglu et al., 2006).

Lifestyle

Nearly 93% of adolescents have access to the internet and 89% of the 18-29 year age group is active on social networking pages. With internet becoming a very staunch source of learning, there’s no escaping what it has got in store. (Madden et al., 2013; Neziroglu, 2004)

Adolescents consider the perfect selfie picture on their social media feed as a measurement to achieving popularity amongst their peers. While these kids upload their selfies to win the beauty race, they’re also internalizing the dark message of beauty media, peers and others are enforcing on them.

The Dark Side of Social Media

With the advent of social media, where mainstream channels like YouTube, Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Tinder, Bumble and various other channels of online social interaction exist, so does the problem of realistic beauty standards.

With brilliant photo shopping programs available for free downloads on smart phones, the world is now putting their most glamorous face forward. With options to edit your physical features like eyes, nose, ears and lips, and even change skin tone, hair and eye color, our social media feed is full of picture perfect people.

With BDD developing in adolescence, and the legal age of social media memberships being lowered to early teenage years, the presence of such perfect pictures has reinforced unrealistic beauty standards on adolescents worldwide, conditioning them to appreciate computer generation perfection. Never-before-seen freckles, a slight turn of the nose, a small scar behind the ear – all these things begin to look unappealing.

Preying on the Weak: Social Media and Self Esteem

Creating and online identity has become a very common phenomenon. Those with body image concerns can take it too far and let it impose body image concerns on them, especially females. In fact, a psychiatrist remarked that 2/3 of his BDD patients felt the compulsion to repeatedly take selfies and upload them on social media

The Selfie Fiasco

Females with BDD have rigid and perfectionist views about how they should look, indulging in negative self evaluation and low self esteem (Wilhelm, 2006). Such individuals try to indulge their narcissistic tendencies by uploading selfie photos on social media to gain validation, and according to the self verification theory, this is a means to receive self verification through positive feedback; for those with serious body issues, the constant need to seek appreciation and comparisons with others causes depression (Sawnn, 1983).

Research has also shown that since 2013, there’s been a 10% rise in rhinoplasty procedures, 7% increase in hair transplants, and a 6% increase in eyelid surgeries (Vats, 2015).

Snapchat Dysmorphia

In early 2018, the negative effects of filters on applications like Snapchat and Instagram were highlighted. Patients had begun to visit plastic surgeons and demanded to look like their filtered pictures, leading one doctor to politely counsel his patient to look towards psychotherapy to correct her body image.

A professor at Northwestern University has remarked how the unrealistic manipulation of features, skin tone and looks had led individuals to lose perspective on how they really look, and doctors are now being warned to look out for BDD tendencies in their patients.

Follow this link so see more about the Snapchat Dysmorphia.

Instagram and Orthorexi

Social media not contributes to distorted self image in the BDD disposed individuals, but also makes them turn to certain acts to achieve that picture perfect look; in some ways, BDD feeds Eating Disorders, and vice versa.

A study was conducted on Instagram influencing an eating disorder: Orthorexia Nervosa. This disorder is characterized with an obsession to eat healthy and eschew certain impure or unhealthy food groups. In this case, the echo-chamber effect of social media comes into play, where individuals perceive their own values to be common even though they may be far from the norm. The #fitspiration tag on Instagram, which follows the healthy eating movement, revealed super toned bodies alluding to healthy eating and exercise, but with dangerously objectifying elements that could harm the BDD prone (Tiggemann & Zaccardo, 2016)

Interventions for Body Image Problems Arising Due to Social Media

Mental health organizations have said that social media does not necessarily bring the onset of BDD but definitely serves as a trigger for those who are predisposed towards BDD, currently are suffering from it, or those who have low self esteem and negative self image.

Either way, real life does not come with a filter, and neither is social media going to stop introducing newer ones. Various organizations and researchers are now working together to use social media to promote positive body image.

Self Care

Practicing safe use of social media can be practiced by oneself and impose don younger children. Not interacting with social media pages that trigger body image issues and being wary of real and modified material on the internet is a must.

Parents and adults can limit their time spent on various social media applications, and monitor use of their children by observing their behavioral responses to what they are exposed to. Positive psychology has started advocating for positive self talk; practicing self esteem and self affirming self talks is one way to internalize positive feelings about oneself.

The Hashtag Control

The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) has been reportedly working with social media platforms to remove certain hashtags and ban provocative feed material.

They also launched their own website in 2011, Proud2BMe, which encourages adolescents to embrace their natural bodies and have a healthy relationship with food and self image. They also promote positive hashtags.

My Journey

Various people have realized the detrimental cost to body image with photo shopping and filtering applications. Many of those recovering from Eating Disorders or trying to fight the demons of BDD are now sharing their recovery stories to encourage others with their real life examples.

Check out how this top runway model made her vitiligo her biggest strength.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT modifies distorted thought processes through intensive talk therapy. Therapists try to understand and excavate the root cause of the problem and try to help their patient modify destructive thought patterns and equip them with coping skills to fight off their triggers.

For example, in CBT for BDD, a practitioner may focus on armoring their patient’s self esteem and modifying their self body image to make them braver and more self assured.

Psychiatric Medication

Some studies have found decreased serotonin transporter density, a depletion of tryptophan, greater white matter volume, small orbitofrontal cortex and a small anterior cingulated in certain BDD patients.

To counteract the behavior which these brain differences elicit in individuals, psychiatric evaluation and medication is also a route to recovery. Serotonin agonists, fluoxetine, and various other psychotrophics are utilized in the medical treatment of the disorder.

Social Media is Here to Stay

Social media is here to stay. With millions of people having access to all sorts of people, information and interactions online, this medium of communication is now a culture of its own. Of course, with every culture, there are those who do not benefit from the majority discourse.

It’s perfectly fine to care about one’s personal grooming and putting the best face forward; however, when the desire to be the best begins to cause distress and interrupt daily life responsibilities, that is the time to seek help. With psychiatric disorders, there’s only a thin line which distinguishes acceptable from the maladaptive.

[thatonetypicalsadgirl]

I struggled since the eighth grade with an eating disorder, i don't know where it came from (probably the internet tbh..  tumblr was the cool new thing to use and i was always the bigger friend..) 

I remember getting called into the counselors office because a “friend” of mine who chose to stay “anonymous” i guess was worried about me and accused me of purging. He or she was right, but i remember keeping this to myself like i do all my problems and simply told the counselor that they were wrong because i didn't even know what that word meant. ( to be fair i didn't, i was dumb and young and just doing things I've seen without looking further into it) the counselor was confused i could tell, why would someone tell on me at such a young age for such a serious thing? He either thought i was just really good at acting or i really had no idea what it meant. he gave me one more chance to confess to get me some help, this time he explained what purging was. I guess purging was just a fancy name for bulimia. i guess i was purging because i was slowly becoming obsessed with bulimia and anorexia. i simply lied to the man and said i would never do such a thing and he let me go back to class. To this day i still don’t know who was worried about me at such a young age and i wish i knew because i don't have anyone that cares about me that much at age 25 and i cold really use a person like that in my life. 

bulimia and anorexia stayed in my life from eighth grade all the way until my early twenties. i was obsessed. i looked at blogs all day/ had all the calorie counting apps/ planned out all my meals and what i would chose  to keep down and throw up/ the number on the scale was the deciding factor if i would eat or not. i don't know why or how it got so bad, but it was truly an obsession and i wished so bad it would put me in the hospital for being “too skinny”, that’s all i wanted in life was to be “too skinny” 

my body dysmorphia was at an all time h i g h 

I remember after my first break up/ my first serious relationship/ my first long distant relationship/ the first love of my life and my first lots of things i had anna under control and wasn't as obsessive. my first half of that relationship was when all the obsessing was slowly coming to an “end” when i moved up north i was with the “ love of my life” and i looked “perfect” in his eyes after all my hard work. I was happy to finally just be there and no more train rides, i started beauty school and life seemed easy. i got my first car, i started making new friends, i was with my new family and i was a new young adult. my relationship with food was at an all time high and i was putting on the happy relationship weight like no other because i felt like i could eat whatever i wanted when i wanted, i missed food so much. years went by and i became the heaviest I've ever been and the saddest I've ever been. I started self harming again. i drove myself to the clinic one day for my depression to try and be put on anti depressants because i was always angry and sad. I hated myself and what i looked like, what I've become and where life was going for me. the doctor gave me some anti depressants and i remember taking them for one day because i was scared they would altar me to much and i would be some kind of fake happy robot, but the winning factor of why i wouldn't take a medication that could simply help me in the long run because of a stupid side effect.

  M A Y C A U S E W E I G H T G A I N. The moment i saw those words i chose to never take those pills again because i didn't want I get any bigger, in fact i got off of my birth control because it was making me heavier. So here i was sad and angry all the time and my boyfriend at the time was to young to understand so we were always fighting towards the end of our relationship. i had no one to turn to besides what and who i knew best anna.. i stopped eating as much and i started purging again and it was my little secret that felt so good to keep from the world. I did it on and off everywhere and there and got a gym membership to try and lose some weight. my boyfriend at the time broke up with me and then anna really was there for me. I stopped eating/ stopped talking/ stopped listening and isolated myself in a room for a month. I lost twenty pounds in one month and was the greatest i ever looked besides my high school body, but i was almost as small as that again. I looked almost “ too thin” and that sick looked i always craved. so i kept up with the no eating to maintain it. 

eventually a year and a half later i got back into the dating game and i net another guy, looking back a guy i was just with to be with, a guy i really didn’t love but said i did, a guy i was comfortable with, but was definitely not good for me and not what i think about when i hear the word love or boyfriend. all we did was drink.

drink.drink.drink.drink.drink.drink.drink

i put weight back on, but i was fine, me and anna were over and it wasn’t the kind of weight i put on like when i was eating food. my life was so stagnant. i was doing noting but drinking, going to shows and feeling lost for a good year of my life. but i thought anna was gone. she wasn't apart of my life anymore, i didn’t depend on her to be there for me and i pushed her away.

 fast forward to age 25 almost 26 i find her slowly coming back into my life. my body dysmorphia never went away and i don’t think it will for my five foot plump short body, but i am better at talking to myself and and working on self love. 

something i really enjoy is thrifting and going to the goodwill. it’s so nice to get lost, lose track of time, smell all the funky smells and see everyones old hand me downs or old favorite sweaters that once had so much memory for them. i remember going to the goodwill on broadway in portland right by new new house and finding a journal. insides this journal brought me right back to high school. in this journal i discovered it was a food journal for counting calories. i took a picture and this is what the first page said

2/8

no more than 100 cal. after dinner

orange/ apple/ almonds

i wanted to so badly find a name in this food log and look up the person holding the pen. it reminded me of me and high school and eating one one hundred calorie meal a day, a string cheese or cutie for my after school snack and then excusing myself from the dinner table overnight to go throw up dinner before i rudely helped with the dishes i didn’t want to do. 

will i ever like my body? will i ever accept the fact that this is the one body “god” gave me and i need to learn to love it and all of my flaws? I'm almost 26 for christ sake and repeating this cycle again. I'm purging and almost enjoying it. I'm watching what I'm eating and watching what i buy when i grocery shop, not drinking as much when i go out with my boyfriend because of the sugar when i tell him its a money issue when sometime it is. will i be 50 and still hating my relationship with food and my body. why is this such a common problem, why does something so bad feel so good, why does it getting obsessive and when will it ever stop. 

i believe that journal in goodwill found me for a reason and it was to bring everything up from my past and stir the pot to get it going again. I haven't   stopped thinking about the person holding the pen, the middle school/ high school me and wanting to start this cycle all over again even though i know its bad for me and my surroundings.