#finally got an appt with my psych this morn and FINALLY got her to write a support letter for my disability support pension claim

[bbreaddog]

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[talanarende]

So I'm having something of a health crisis, on top of the chronic pain that I normally have. In early Nov, right after my bday I started having much higher pain levels for no apparent reason, higher and a different kind of pain than I ever had before - burning/stabbing pain completely different from arthritis in all my joints, especially hips and knees, muscle cramps from my pelvis down to my knees and constantly flaring sciatica. I figured it was just a temporary flareup as I tend to have now and then, but it never went away.

I kept having level 8 pain all day every day, even with meds. my pain dr increased the dosage of tramadol I was taking when I saw her at the end of January, - I wanted to increase the Lyrica too, to help combat the nerve pain, but she didn't want to make more than one change at a time.

So that was slightly better, but only a little. Then on Feb 5th I collapsed at home and my legs just...suddenly stopped working. I was sitting on the couch in my usual spot when I had to go to the bathroom, so I stood up and immediately crumpled, I fell and literally could not get up. I could barely crawl, and wasn't able to pull myself up on anything as my legs couldn't bear my weight at all. I waited a few hours but it didn't go away, just kept getting worse, and my roommate finally called the ambulance.

In the ER they found I had pretty severe rhabdomyolosis, in a blood test my muscle enzyme count was 11,000 - way off the charts, normal is 200-250. they did some xrays and CT scan, and later an MRI which showed I have a bulging disc which is causing at least some of the pain and weakness, between the slipped disc and some stenosis it's putting a lot of pressure on the nerves there. they had me start working with PT, but I was in so much pain I could hardly move, and having muscle cramps in my thighs and the backs of my knees whenever I tried to stand. they gave me a muscle relaxant which helped with the cramps, and a steroid injection in my back the day before I was discharged to rehab, but it made things worse instead of better. I never actually hit level 10 pain before this, but I have now and let me tell you, it is not fun.

I was in the hospital for just over a week, released to rehab last Thursday (a week ago). things are going very slow and rough right now - I'm okayish, pain level about 6-7 when I am lying down or sitting still, but still about a 9 when standing or walking, so I can't really make much progress until they fix my meds.... in the hospital they cut my tramadol dosage in half for no apparent reason and wouldn't fix it even though there was an existing script for 8 tablets per day.

I also had been taking the Lyrica for anxiety more than pain, but they think the rhabdomyolysis was caused by a rare reaction to Lyrica, so I can't take it anymore. switching back to gabapentin means much better sciatica control but it does very little for the anxiety, regardless of the dosage. instead of helping find an alternative for the anxiety, the hospital changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Zoloft, again for no apparent reason. the only thing I'm taking now for anxiety is clonodine, and it's at max dosage.

l did see my regular psych nurse who handles my mental health meds yesterday and she decided to leave me on zoloft for now. she was also able to put me back on gabapentin, not for my levels of pain but for anxiety. so that (gabapentin) is still a half dosage too, but it's better than nothing.

once I finally got ahold of my pain dr and let them know that I was in the hospital and heading to rehab, unable to take Lyrica anymore, my dr decided to keep me on the same dosage of tramadol but the rehab centre refuses to give it to me as written - my dr said i could take 3 in the morning, 3 at night, and 2 in the afternoon, but rehab insists on dispensing it as 2 every 6 hrs, which is WAY less effective, and I told them so.

but apparently they can't fix anything else without written orders from the dr and the dr can't do that until they see me again - I have an appt on the 27th, and then can straighten out the remaining issues with the dosages, but in the meantime I'm making very little progress in PT, and wont really be able to make more until the pain is less.

when I stand, there is an explosion of pain at the site of the slipped disc/injection which radiates briefly to each side of my lower back, then up my spine and down my legs, a sharp burning.

when I then go to take a step and try walking with the walker (because I can't even put any weight on my legs, too weak, they buckle with excruciating pain), every step feels like an ice pick stabbing at the base of my spine, even though I'm barely picking my feet up.

so none of that can begin to be resolved until my appt on the 27th, and in the meantime they are completely wasting their time getting me to do small, incremental things that both hurt and have no effect, nothing really will until my pain levels come down.

so I'm hanging in there, but frustrated - and I need to call medicaid today and make sure they know I'm in rehab and likely will be for the foreseeable future, make sure they have it covered. the last thing I need is more medical bills when I have no income or savings and couldn't possibly make any payments.

as far as the slipped disc and pinched nerves there, there is only so much meds can do, and I may need surgery. I have an appt with a surgeon in Butte on Monday to evaluate that, seeing my regular GP on Weds and an appt with my pain dr in Great Falls on Thurs, so hopefully in the meantime it won't be too bad.

I haven't been able to write or even read much, brain's too crowded with anxiety about what is happening to me - worst case scenario, I could be permanently stuck in a wheelchair now, even surgery might not help. we can't tell at this point how much of the pain and weakness is from the sciatica and the rhabdo, and how much is because of the slipped disc and stenosis. depending on the true source of the problems, physical therapy can only do so much to restoring function either, so.... we just don't know yet how much mobility I'll be able to get back, if any.

so we'll see what happens! cross all your fingers and such 😒💜❤️

[thesoftestcloud]

none of this is going to be coherent and you dont have to read it im writing it for myself,,   

this morning my mom came and picked me up and drove me to the psych clinic appointment and i cried the whole way there, we sat in the waiting room for like a hundred years and i was dying the whole time and then when the dr eventually came and got us there was no room available so we were just standing in the hallway like idiots for a while until one was free. my mother was with me at first and she did all the talking i was just sat staring at the floor sobbing and shaking and wanted to Die and the dr started talking about my self harm issues which my mother Did Not Know About cus i don’t think she needs to know about it but.  she does now lol. then i was asked to fill out one of those ‘on a scale of 0-5′ forms and they both left the room, i filled it out it took like 5 seconds and then they? never fucking came back????? well they did but they took forever and by this point i was a proper mess so i was like . thinking they forgot abt me or maybe im nnot real and i was like looking arounf the room for things to **** *****f with it was Real Bad but mom came back in like 10 minutes later, she’d been to the restroom and then waited right outside the door the whole time thinking i was in there talking to the doctor but i wasn’t obviously. so we waited in this room for what felt like a solid year but realistically it was probably at least 15 minutes and i was freaking out i was so sure she’d like finished for the day and went home or smth,,,, when she Finally returned she had been trying to get ahold of one of her colleauges to discuss what sort of medication to put me on temporarily but they were too busy or something so she never actually talked to them so i didn’t get any meds. Also, it turns out this appointment wasn’t actually meant to like, do anything for me at all she wasn’t going to prescribe me with anything to begin with and did not inted to set up any sort of treatment plan or literally do Anything At All, she won’t be treating me i will never see her again it was just meant to be like ??? something to trick me into thinking i’m getting help while i wait for a real first evaluation appt in like a month or smth??? so basically it was completely unnecessary??? i had to go thru that for literally nothing lmao???? and they called it an “emergency psychiatric appointment” ??? why call it that if they don’t intend to do anything at all to help u,,,?  what the fuck honestly??? .....so yea i went it was absolutely horrendous and nothing came of it i wouldve been better off staying at home lmao

[sumergosuigeneris]

January 23, 2019, Part I

Had the shrink appt this morning. Didn’t go to work beforehand, so was worried, but everything appears to be okay-ish. The one thing that makes me nervous is the boss and the other-boss have a meeting next week. They have a lot of things that overlap (hence why I was assigned to her) but it makes me nervous that they might discuss me, and if so, that it might be negative.

Shrink appt was productive. I thought I screwed up something else medication-wise, but after the appt she clarified a pill question and it turns out I didn’t! I hate that the attending has to come in the room every session. It didn’t work that way at my old university depression clinic. And I finally said something today, because she’s a 3rd year resident, but apparently here it’s all four years. The good news is it occurred to me to talk about the PMS/MS symptoms and she said I didn’t have to wait. I kind of wanted to ask about LSD or similar things, but nah. She asked about therapy. I told her the truth that I’m not crazy about it, but I asked her to keep it between us. I think she told the attending. I suppose as long as she doesn’t tell the therapist.... She asked again where I work. We’re in the same ‘company’ so no, I really don’t want to say what department. Although of course she can look it up. But why does it matter really? And I don’t know why I call them shrinks. They’re mostly just medication management. It’s got to be one of the easiest in medicine.

The old friend is thinking of a trip to my city. That’s why it occurred to her to contact me. I was thinking about my attitude towards people’s ulterior motives. As I’ve mentioned I hate my thought process in those regards. But this morning I was wondering if the problem is more about not having an attitude of gratitude. I mean, why did I stop talking to her? Because she didn’t have time after my mother died, and didn’t invite me for the holidays. I was hurt, and figured I didn’t really mean anything to her. Especially knowing there were times they traveled through the old state to visit extended relations but never tried to catch me. But here she is reaching out. I mean, it could be argued that I was being selfish and all-or-nothing about the whole situation.

I have never rid myself of the feeling that the front desk person at the psych dept still thinks I’m a racist. My words sometimes come across badly when I assume other people are on the same page as me. And when I forget that I don’t look like a URM. I won’t apologize for wanting to have a URM psych, but I’m still embarrassed that it came out in such a way that she assumed I *didn’t* want a URM psych. Instead of saying ‘are either of my options black’ I should have said ‘I’d prefer a black psych if possible.’ It’s like 9 months later, but she still seems weird around me. Could just be my imagination though.

I really need to get a new job. Because I keep falling into the same trap of being exhausted and not motivated to do anything after work. Also, need to figure out archery, scipol, latinx group, etc... particularly without checking my email.

I woke up around midnight last night, I think, and didn’t get sleepy again until around 3am. I dicked around on the internet. Ticks me off b/c this morning it occurred to me I could have read a book. I’m too out of practice.

I still feel unsettled but hopefully some food and writing this will clear me up. Second day eating ramen. Proud of me still for going shopping and bringing it to work and remembering I have it. Save money!!!!

One big reason I don’t want to continue being a clerical is  that even though we’re really important (in the team of things), we’re treated like we’re lesser, like we’re less intelligent, less hard working, less than in a weird way as people. Definitely most people treat us like servants, and way too many treat us like we’re THEIR servants. I don’t want to be a servant all my life.

[aquarianlights]

how have you been doing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

No, actually, I’ve been okay. Haha. Thank you for asking. Just been.... adulting like crazy. Like... I scheduled all these appointments at the last second...moved in with my friend and his bf... have driven three hours to these appts and three hours back... every day for a week except yesterday. I had to drive to the fucking DMV and get an NC ID card coz my Drivers License is still Florida.... And idk where my legal residency actually is...lmao. But I had to have an NC ID to get in with the pain specialist. So I drove 2.5 hours to the DMV....got that changed...2.5 hours back. Next day, chronic pain specialist appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back... with crippling joint pain.... Next day, psych eval appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back. And this all happened like...2 days after I moved here... a close to 4 hour drive...from where I was...and I’m waiting on a fuckton of calls back... but monday is a holiday AHHHHHHH so I can only call certain people and do certain adult things on monday...then I gotta call EVERYONE on tuesday and do all the things I couldn’t do monday on tuesday... I have a whole damn list. So finally...yesterday and today have been free days. So I spent them spending 25 dollars for an application fee to this new college I’m attending as a transient student. I now have 6 vet tech classes and am adding 2 gen ed transient classes. I will have my AA by the end of this coming semester...and have my OTHER AA by the time I have my BA or am almost finished with my BA. And then I will have two AA’s...one in vet tech and one in a medical transfer track degree.... And my BA.... and then onto my masters..IF I PASS THIS FUCKING TEST AND DON’T GET WAITLISTED.I have been relentlessly studying for the TEA’s all weekend. Just nonstop. Started adding exercise coz apparently the treatment for lupus and fibromyalgia is exercise???????? So I just...pop 100mg of lyrica or more in the morning, exercise via sit ups and push ups, make some iced coffee, take a mini jog, go home and do chores like dishes and taking trash out (there’s not a lot to do cleaning wise coz this place is spotless), then I get on my tasks for the day which I have been forcing myself to do no matter how much physical/mental pain I’m in. If I have to take a 5 minute break to slit my wrists or thighs or sides, that’s fine. I do it, play with the blood, feel the endorphin rush, pop more lyrica.....maybe add in some valium if I’m feeling I need it (that’s rare, though...I don’t fuck with benzos too much anymore coz I control my panic disorder through exercises...like...jumping jacks and running and sit ups and acting like I’m in the military and being screamed at by The Rock or something lmaaaooooo...it actually does calm my panic attacks down a fuckton because it forces endorphins through my body and reduces adrenaline and forces me to focus on my breathing...so my valium script is..... well... I pop em when I feel the “need”. or when I actually cannot slow my heart down via a panic attack). Drove to the college here....talked to advisers...they couldn’t help coz they don’t have late start semesters...had to call my other transient class school and cancel coz I don’t live there anymore...went to another college talked to another adviser about transient classes...they set me up with another college...it’s a 45 minute drive, but hey. For two classes? Bruh, I got that.Uhhhhh.....been doing a LOT of paperwork....catching up on vet tech seminars I missed via recordings. Getting in with the “back to work” program with my disability people... TRYING to get a job without getting my disability taken away...but I have to see a rheumatologist first and I’m waiting on a call back from the one my PCP referred me to...and waiting on a call back from my PCP about a fuckton of stuff...she’s a 4 hour drive away so.

trying to find time to make a 12 hour drive to NOLA to get all my stuff and say goodbye to my roommates for 6+ months.

Again, relentlessly studying for the TEA’s coz I’m scheduled to take them this summer after my AA is earned. And I’m legitimately terrified..... I mean, I’m applying to a fuckton of pre-med programs but........... the admit rate for EVERY pre-med program is insane.... Like...if you don’t get a perfect score on all four sections of the TEA’s...you’re fucked. Akjghfkklaglskjf NO CALCULATOR. [internal screaming]

I have a 2-page-long list of things to do on monday and tuesday. Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. It’s 1:53am right now.....I have to be awake at AT LEAST 8am and I’m STILL studying for the TEA’s but I think I’ve given up coz I was looking at a bar graph and it asked me what kind of graph it was and I put down line graph as my answer and I just looked at what I wrote and was like “....????????” So it was at that point that I knew I needed to stop. They suggest 50 minute study sessions with 10 minute breaks 3-5 times a day for about 6 weeks minimum. My personal TEA’s test guidance counselor person....told me to study for 8 months. He told me the average TEA’s studying is 8 months. I FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A FUCKING BOARD EXAM JFC. The TEA’s are so daunting and intimidating....ugh. Shoot me. Like... I have NO PROBLEM with 3 sections...there’s just...1 section...that I’m destined to fail........ So I’m terrified.

Getting psych help. They wanna set me up with an ACTs team. Which is... a doctor, a nurse/PA/CNA/whatnot, a therapist (psychologist), and a psychiatrist. People for med management and for me to talk to. All in one sitting... minimum of 3 times a week.... Coz I’m having anger blackouts as though I have weed in my system and I have NEVER had anger blackouts without an herbal substance in my system, specifically weed. Holy fuck it’s scary. And my intrusive thoughts are no longer thoughts...they’re genuine desires and pleasure dreams. (Not sexual...mental pleasure.) I lost 6 hours of time the other day while sending voice clips to my friends while going over 100 miles an hour on a highway. I sounded literally psychotic in my voice clips (albeit, my diagnoses dictate I am psychotic, I have never sounded like it before). I mean...I could have KILLED people. Or myself. Or both. or animals....Holy fucking hell. 6 hours...a lot of driving... some of it was parking in an abandoned parking lot and doing... I’m not sure what... 6 hours of time gone. And I’m losing more and more time every day due to anger-induced blackouts. I literally called my mother a cunt. I...I attacked her verbally like a 12 year old hormonal boy who needs to be put in a fucking time out. And I have no recollection of it. At all. But the texts and voicemails and call logs are all there. It’s fucking scary coz I could hurt or kill someone...or myself. Came close NYE. Sheriff talked to me NYE....I somehow have this weird theatrical charisma that everyone just....... believes is real when it’s really just me acting. And I talked him down from him being all “There are multiple reports of you having slit your wrists open and downed pills and multiple reports of you saying homicidal things” to “Oh okay I will call them back and tell them you’re okay. You should text them and tell them you’re okay yourself, though.” I was in a hotel for a week....that was... I lost a lot of time there. Going back and forth between the hotel and my PCP. Getting my room in order.... keeping track of my finances for the first time in my entire life.... getting my car switched to my name and under a new insurance...changing my license... lots and lots of document-related stuff...lots and lots of phone calls and voicemails and call-backs...lots and lots and LOTS of appointments.... SO MUCH joint pain. I have lupus and fibromyalgia...but they think it’s a flinching disorder that is in my head from childhood physical abuse and adult sexual and physical abuse. Like...apparently my brain is producing pain and visible lesions akin to lupus, fibro, osteoprorosis, arthritis, etc... and the pain is VERY real...but it’s cured psychologically because it’s psych based...not physical. Like..the physical pain is real...but it’s produced by my brain? If that makes sense? Like...you know the report a million fucking years ago (idk maybe like 5 or 10 years ago???) or that lady (or was it a guy?) who froze to death while trapped in a freezer that was turned off? Yeah, that’s me. I’m the type of person who---if trapped in a freezer that was turned off and I didn’t know it was turned off---would freeze myself to death with my own brain. So...the trauma from childhood physical and mental/emotional abuse and neglect...and trauma from adult sexual and physical abuse and a bit of verbal/emotional abuse....apparently is causing this “flinching disorder”??????????? But I meet criteria for both lupus and fibro...but he thinks it’s this other thing...and ....

Like I said at the beginning...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Also trying to get Echo here.... but need to go to NOLA first...which I will be doing this month. Figuring out when exactly after Monday and Tuesday’s stuff I need to do..... Go to NOLA for at least a week...come back...get Echo and the rest of my things... Cut a certain two people out of my life entirely. . .SO MUCH TO DO.Fuck, bruh. I’m exhausted and in CONSTANT extreme physical pain BUT.......................................................it’s cool. Did you know you can get high on lyrica? I sure as hell didn’t. I accidentally took over 500mg in one sitting....all at once... Bruh, it felt like I had taken 2 tabs of acid, popped maybe 4 blues, and drank a full Four Loko. It was intense. The walls were breathing, I couldn’t walk, everything was blurry, felt like I was floating, kept dropping things, laughing at everything...couldn’t see...couldn’t read or write... felt tingly all over...  Imagine constant vertigo like...no matter what position you’re in or if you move or stay still. Just.. That feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Yeah. Imagine that.....for hours....no matter what you do... CONSTANT VERTIGO/LIGHTHEADEDNESS FOR HOURS! Felt like I was on a cloud... but also... Even the appropriate doses of lyrica make it so I can’t walk in a straight line.... I keep bumping into walls and falling up stairs and dropping EVERYTHING and falling over ....OH MY GOD I FELL OUT OF BED THE OTHER NIGHT. THIS IS A QUEEN SIZED BED...I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE....AGAINST THE WALL...AND SOMEHOW I FELL OUT OF BED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A QUEEN BED THAT COULD FIT FOUR OF ME.............. ?????????????? I was on the ground like...with the vertigo ...going ... “?????” Oh my FUCK.

I’m not even stressed, though. Like...high pressure, high risk, chaos, spontaneity, impulsivity, self gratification, advancement, pressure pressure pressure, strict deadlines, things that could change at a moments notice, being on call practically all day every day for certain things.... Like... I love it. That’s why I chose emergency medicine... It is when I perform best, when I feel best, and when I can focus best. I can’t focus if nothing is going on around me.... It makes me extremely distracted by my own LOUD AF thoughts and minor whispers of voices that are coming back so SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH MY MEDS but they’re gonna fix it but I refuse to EVER get back on an anti-psych so I will ONLY work with them on trying to fix my current meds or switching to a different mood stabilizer...IDK.

Bought  a fuckton of medical textbooks that I have just been...pouring over...while I should be devoting that time to studying for the TEA’s...... UHAgain... “How am I” is answered as:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I turn 26 next month. Holy fucking wow................................................................

Uh. Okay. Rant over....Wow, good job, Killian. Verbosity wins again.It’s 2:16am now. Jfc. I need to lay down. My world is spinning. Fucking lyrica, man.........

Thank you for asking, though.... Makes me feel like maybe someone cares about my general wellbeing...or something... Idk. Makes me feel good,though. And happy. Happy that someone cares enough to ask. I appreciate it, fren. I really do. And I hope you’re doing well and thriving like I am. c: