#first things ive finished in a while yippee!!

[art--harridan]

[Image description: A digital drawing of Amanda Young from the Saw franchise. She's wearing her outfit from the third film, but has her hair from the first. She's wearing the reverse bear trap, which leaves only the top half of her face visible. Her eyes are open wide and staring directly at the viewer. Eyeliner runs down her cheeks. In one hand she holds overflowing needles which are falling from her loose grasp. In the other she has a tape recorder. Her arms are stiff, as if she's a posed mannequin. Bandages are wrapped around both of her wrists. These bandages, the tape recorder, the needles and the reverse bear trap are all coloured a bold light blue. Amanda is coloured bright white with grey shading, while the background is a darker grey. It also has a subtle spiral pattern to it.]

[devondespresso]

Writers 20 questions tag game!!

tagged by the beloved @eriquin 💕💗💖 i haven't been able to participate in a lot of tag games lately (as evident by this being at least a week late ahnsgdsynkd)(edit: its been way more than a week) but i still really really appreciate the tags!!

divider by @/saradika-graphics

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

7 !! I think i still need to put one up there but i haven't yet cause i wanna edit the ending a tad

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

10,746

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Stranger Thingssssss, and i think its fair to say the Steve Harrington fandom specifically gdnzngxngxgn

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Sweet and Spicy (the one steddie drabble tdnydyndny), My Sunshine, I Can Only Hope Now, Never Again, and Mr. Crayola Henderson

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes absolutely!! its usually a lot of heart emojis and keyboard smashes mixed in with my actual response zgnzgbzgnzng

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

uhhh itd probably have to be Never Again still, i usually like to lean positive with my endings, that whole love-being-alive thing, so whenever i don't its usually because the focus is a different strong emotion that'd conflict with blatant positivity.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oo okay also hard to decide for the same reason, I'd say the ending that feels happiest is probably from either I Can Only Hope Now (the Claudia prompt) or Now That We're Alive because both go from sad to happy and hopeful for the future. My Sunshine ends on a good note but its less "aw yippee!" and more "AAAAAAAAAAAA". I like my drabbles (under 400 words) to end pretty fluffy so far, and stuff like Mr. Crayola Henderson stays a pretty consistent light and fun so I don't think the happy end hits as hard.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, thank god, not yet anyway

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nopeeee tho Never Again has an E and M version it's not exactly fun enough to be smut i don't think

10. Do you write crossovers?

also nope

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that im aware?? I'd be pretty pissed if it was but also like. is it doing well? is it popular? 👀

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that im aware but i give full permission if anyone wants to

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope, most ive done is bounce ideas or beta, but I'd be down to try it!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

i don't know if i have one?? just in general for stranger things i enjoy steve ships a lot. big fan of Vi and Caitlyn from Arcane but im not really in fandom for that show cause what would i change?? im very much a gen fic enjoyer and if i had to list all my fav platonic dynamics... we'd be here a while xgnzngzgn

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

oh irony my cruelest adversary. a few months ago i was happy and ignorant in my haven of only one active wip. Now there's a small handful, and unless i get possesed with the same emotions i was venting in it, i fear the short Robin-centric letter style thing won't be finished soon. its decent so far but there would be a good bit of editing trying to actually articulate the feeling in a realistic way plus fitting it to Robin's first-person writing style. I don't intend to drop it but lately it just calls to me the least, but that could change

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think its a strange mix of intuition and a technical understanding of writing that works really well for the way i think. Its very broad and basically has no rules, just a understanding of how my favorite stories work, how most writing rules are really trends that tend to work better and then you can dig deeper behind a lot of them to see the *why* behind it. that plus trusting the nagging feeling that something's off makes editing my most productive stage, i can vibe check the area and then start digging dgnxnhxngxng

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

god this changes every time i revisit this draft xumxhmxmxhm this time its probably character introspection. i love writing like a movie and having character action or dialogue or setting or symbols communicate things, but putting down what the characters thinking with similar tact is soooo harddddddd and especially in angst or emotion moments, i want my readers caught in the same thought process as the pov character, i want it to feel so real that even if they never experienced the situation the characters in and even if they know logically the characters wrong, they understand. and that unfortunately involves bypassing their stance as an outside perspective on the matter, which is uhhhhh very very hard xhmznhxhnxhm

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Depends on the intent, i think it works best when the author speaks the language themselves, and especially with stuff like asl it helps clarify the grammatic differences. I think if its a language the pov character isn't supposed to understand then "said something in x language" works better for universal immersion.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Stranger things babeyyyyyy, i actually started writing the Steve Henderson au first, tho the first drafts of chapters are very different from current ones

20. Favorite fic you've written?

MY SUNSHINE!!!!!!! i am so open about my favouritism with that one, its the most contemplative and atmospheric and emotional and its short enough that i was spending time on every word, every line to make sure it felt right and contributed to the picture i wanted. they say its more achievable (compared to long fiction) to make a perfect short story and that's what My Sunshine feels like to me, the perfect little taste of themes I'm enjoying most in writing rn, specifically with the Steve Henderson au (my second favourite fic xgnxngxgn)

i forget how many ppl im supposed to tag so im gonna do 20, no pressure ofc!! @marvel-ous-m @acasualcrossfade @pearynice @imfinereallyy @tinytalkingtina

@klausinamarink @puppy-steve @queenie-ofthe-void @eyesofshinigami @stellarspecter

@dreamwatch @lightoftheseraph @withacapitalp @findafight @hbyrde36

@vegasol @carolperkinsexgirlfriend @lingeringmirth @momotonescreaming @sourw0lfs

[seannessy]

look into my autism eyes. look into their depth.

thats right!!!! the cat is still working on the new vtuber model!!! i am really bad at finishing things even while medicated it turns out!!! i also forgot to disable the UV Mesh Lines when i exported the texture of the face!!!

look at this actual stupid idiot and how few thoughts exist in his head

majority of textures are done in their first draft phase! (the big yellow block stuff on the leg stripes, vent internals, eyes, etc are placeholders for now) i made a few mistakes in krita with some of the other textures so i'm probably gonna need to do a few more tweaks on them to rebalance some of the colors and add some more detail, then i'll screw around with texture baking to see if i can add in a few shadows baked into the textures, then im off to rigging hell yippee!!

to be honest ive actually learned a lot from doing this and im already really excited to start on the next project once this one's done, though they're still a ways away lol.

the blending continues!!

(if you look really really really closely you can see that there IS actually texture on the hair but i was just really bad at shading it and it needs a LOT more saturation)

[someone-called-efg]

everything i know so far regarding religion and my experiences (big post with a lot of words and some pictures too. i tried doing the image id thing so hopefully i explained it all alright) skip at your own discretion

so, for everything ive made either a comic or drawing, then i'll explain what happened a little more underneath.

~~~

first and foremost before i start, so were on the same page, visits to heaven can occur during the time someone is asleep. this could even happen to you if you see in your dream a recently passed relative (or any passed away relative in general but for the most part it happens when the passing is recent and goodbyes didnt happen for one reason or another) and if it hasnt happened to you personally yet, you probably know someone who's experienced a visit.

with that out of the way, lets get started

---

{ image id: an 8 panel comic. 1st panel shows myself with two others sat around a table, as i joke "God, if this is a sin, strike me down". 2nd panel simply says * later that night * . 3rd panel is in 1st person perspective of me in my dream, opening a door. 4th panel shows that behind the door from panel 3 that God is there floating, his hair/beard flowing into the cloud his head is casually floating on in the middle of the room. 5th panel simply shows a lighting bolt. 6th panel shows me falling through the floor. 7th panel shows me waking up in a state of panic. 8th panel simply says: TLDR: If you call upon him, he'll answer. end id }

this is a comic regarding my first visit. at the time irl i was considering becoming an atheist, so this put a solid halt in that. the reason both people with my in the 1st panel dont really have any defining features is because i was at a psych ward at the time for wanting to unalive, and they make you sign nda's there soo, thats the best i got. in the dream/visit itself i was at home, opening the door from the living room to the porch. and God wasnt just there waiting, they kinda came through the ceiling without breaking it. dont ask me how cuz even i dont know.

---

{ image id: another 8 panel comic so here goes more typing yippee! 1st panel shows God from the side, simply saying "So". 2nd comic shows God turning forward, asking "Are you alright?", as though finishing what they were saying in the 1st panel. 3rd panel shows God an i sat on a couch, and while God looks normal sized, i look tiny by comparison, showing basically the setting. 4th panel is a zoom in on me as i rub the back of my neck, saying "i mean ...". 5th panel simply tldr's what happens as i * proceeds to vent ... a lot * . 6th panel shows God saying nothing, but, they * listens to every word * . 7th panel shows me, clearly upset from venting so much, but also now parched, as i tell God "I'm sorry, I've been talking so much, my throat got dry. Do you have anything I could drink?". 8th panel shows God from the side, for the first time smiling as they say "Of course" and a fridge magically appears at opposite from where i am in comparison to them. end id }

so, not even i really knew what all happened until years lated when i asked God if that visit was a therapy session because all i remembered upon waking up after is the last two panels and afterwards, when my mom and step dad came and told me that the year for earth was 2077 and that the north pole was a desert, then we went and had a mini feast with relatives (and maybe ancestors? idk, there was a fair lot of people and i didnt recognize a lot of them so maybe?) , then i woke up. and if youre going to ask why gods eyes arent visible in this comic when they were visible in that last one, at the time of drawing this comic in particular i didnt feel deserving of him looking at me and smiling, cuz lets face it, were all a bunch of sinners here all trying to do good at least. but at the time if i remember right i had a caffeine addiction to the point i needed 8 coffee/monster energy to get me through the day (4 in the morning + 4 in the afternoon), i since went cold turkey against both.

---

{image id : a 4 panel comic because i finally learned my lesson so i dont have to type as much pog! 1st pannel shows myself and my brother (ftm) stood in Gods temple, and i casually ask "Hey, so, can I reincarnate?". 2nd panel shows god towering over both of us easily, their response is a smile with a "Yeah, sure" as they hold something glowing in their hand that i look into. 3rd panel is glitchy, as it shows a child 1st person perspective, the child is looking down, admittedly a bit overwhelmed while saying "mom, i memember my last life". 4th panel is glitchy as well, this time showing the vague image of a woman reaching out her hand presumably to the child, asking "what do you remember?". end id }

so, for a bit of context, the dream/visit didnt start out like that. it actually started at my great aunts house (who at the time was still alive but died very soon after) it wasnt her house when she was alive, but rather, her house in heaven. my godmother was also there, and i was helping her to remember how to fly because she had forgotten the lesson. so, in total there were 4 people there (my great aunt, my godmother, my brother, and myself) and mid way through me teaching how to fly, another of my brothers teleported into the room and just casually took a seat. after the lesson we went outside and walked around my great aunts heaven house, and when we walked a little ways away there was some kinda conflict, and i simply prayed and the conflict was over within under 10 secs. then as the group of my relatives and i went walking back to my great aunts house, i mentioned to my brother my thoughts of asking to reincarnate soon, and he says to me "why not go right now" and i agree, so we teleported to Gods temple and thats where the comic picks up at. what this told me is that being lgbtqia+ isnt a deadly sin, so any member of the rainbow community isnt going to hell for simply being lgbtqia+, which i see as an absolute win.

~~~

thats the most i got for when it comes to visits, which occur when someone's asleep. but, now, its time to go over a couple visions ive had (and no im not gonna talk about when i died cuz that would be 3 posts in a row, so if you wanna see any of that just check it in your own time) because its just visions, i didnt make comics, but just drawings, which, comics are drawings sure, but not all drawings are comics. and, so i stop rambling, lets get started.

---

{ image id : the great flood. as a man drowns under the fermanent from the quickly rising water level, his soul is outside the fermanent, walking up alongside his dying body, unable to help and can only comfort his souless body by watching it slowly unalive. end id }

when i saw this, i honestly saw at least a dozen others doing this too, i also watched who i could only assume was some past incarnation of myself succumb to the same fate. and for those wondering how a soul can be out when the body is clearly still alive, well, 24 hours before someone dies, their soul's already passed on to the afterlife. where the saying 'dead man walking' comes from, because for those 24 hours, the person's already dead, the rest of the world just doesn't know yet.

---

{ image id : the battle at the end of the world. vegetation is barren from the hills as a giant serpent with black scales and glowing yellow eyes makes its way through the landscape. two angels stand in the foreground, aiming their swords to the heavens, causing a pillar of light thats base covers the two. in the distance, the sky is crimson and the clouds are dark grey almost black. end id }

so. also worth mentioning that when i looked to either side of me, there were armies of God all ready for the greatest battle and ready to take part. needless to say it was overwhelming for a lot of reasons.

~~~

so, thats all really. i could get into the couple times i saw the son of God in visits, but the first time was me in a back room with boxes and he was running by and seemed to be busy and i didnt wanna bother him because of that so i didnt say anything, and the second time we were at this park near my childhood home and i asked him if him and adam are technically in a way brothers and we both ended up laughing causing me to wake up.

~~~

from all this i understand that theres stuff im not allowed to know of my visits for one reason or another, and i kinda figure its so i dont cheat at life. because if i had all the answers, than how else is life supposed to test me.

earth is a school after all, and i at least want my place earned on Gods fridge with a magnet hopefully 🤞

[elegyofthemoon]

😊

having a very happy and dumb little moment of kicking my legs around bc ive missed doing this hobby sm asldfjhal and its been nice to actually do it again with a friend now ; v ;

...oh right yeah we're supposed to NOT be shy about talking. my blog i do what i want. and ramble forever.

so um. i've been picking up voice acting again and nick's been indulging me with it lol it's a bonus for me because the way we'd do it is we'd both pick different scenes and we'd go through them together, giving each other delivery lines and etc. it's silly but it's fun for me anyways.

but it was suuuuch a ++++ for me because 1) i got to do my fave hobby again and like. kinda first thing in the morning. it's wild though because i woke up and was like :I i'd rather not do ANYTHING anymore i'm tired. but seeing how i went from :I to ^u^ the moment i started and then eventually losing track of time was .. nice lol and being able to do voicing for certain things i get nervous about voicing and basically trying to overcome things i was hesitant about was such a nice thing !!

2) it was very much an excuse for me to infodump to nick about what i've been getting into lately (yeah we were voicing some of the h.i3 scenes aslkfalkhj). i've been wanting to for a while but i always get so nervous about it being seemingly Dumb or getting so overly excited over something that might seem dumb to someone else.but :) my brain feels like it has been reset now thanks to me verbally infodumping so YIPPEE

sighs. but anyways. i'm in a good mood alksdfah i have to prep to go out of town this weekend, but i reaaaaaaally wanna go finish the h.sr story... i don't think i actually will before i go 😭😭and i was getting kinda sad about that last night but. letting the story boil in my brain for a bit and process is probably better for me anyhows. so i'll try not to rush myself on trying to finish everything. besides i don't interact w the fandom and keep to my own secluded corner of the universe so lol it's not like i'd be risking anything

[jimmyunsolved]

wish there was a crying emoji with all this art i do of her crying

[yuukei-yikes]

ah! if you're taking questions about the fankids, can i ask about what's going on about the whole reincarnation thing? (how konoha finds out, if anyone else figures it out, even how he finds out about konoha (before he died) and the whole "daze" thing in the first place. poor kid's got a lot to deal with lol)

YIPPEEEEEEEEEE <- this yippe was written before i finished writing the reply. no yippee anymore. under the cut bc i also went crazy long with this and its embarrassing and erm erm erm erm. hehe. so much mental illness i basically wrote a fic under the cut

i've actually answered this before BUT im changing my answer. when i answered that ask konoha and ayame were only like 40 hours old so now it's simmered in my head better...hehehehheheheeh <- my evil laugh because im abt to give konoha 80 mental illnesses.

so i know i linked to the old answer but if u went to read it just forget abt everything i say in there

yknow how i talked abt like overprotective parents haruka&takane in my last ask LOL i actually had a big wall of text that i deleted while answering because it was rly sad and it got super long and i was like erm. maybe another time and THEN I GOT THIS ASK AND IM LIKE BOYYY WHY DID I DELETE THE TEXT but whatever i'll just go crazy now and even more bc i can dedicate the whole space to it HEHEHEHEHHEEH

konoha is nonverbal for years and since ayano works with kids i think she knows sign language teehee and when it became obvious konoha wasn't going to speak as a kid haruka&takane are like. well. let's do that ig. mekakushi dan learning sign language arc 💖 still is nonverbal most of the time i think. if i had thought of it beforehand i would've kept it for present time JUST IMAGINE THE DOODLES I MADE THE FIRST TIME HE'S SIGNING EVERYTHING IVE DECIDED MY NEXT GEN KONOHA IS NONVERBAL. HE DICHO. CASO CERRADO

ok they're overprotective not only bc they're disabled4disabled and terrified that konoha will one day wake up and be diagnosed with u got 6 years to live type of thing but also. konoha autism swag

and when konoha becomes a toddler shit goes down. then he starts hallucinating and having all these night terrors abt stuff like hibihiyo's timeloop and reviving azami over and over while she was living in the real world but also he's a kid so he doesn't really register all this horrifying stuff the same an adult would duh. and he kind of ALWAYS saw it he just can put it into words now ig. so he's not like AUUUUGHHH he's more like.. confused and scared. he's also not super communicative and i dont mean that bc he's nonverbal like even if he is, he still speaks through signs!! but he's still kind of quiet and slow and etc. like he IS konoha yknow?? he's just like playing and hanging out and suddenly just sees azami and he's like erm mom can u tell the lady in the corner to go away :(( and takane's like LOL. GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. he just gets diagnosis or derivations to other doctors and a child therapist etc and its not wrong bc HE IS completely human now and that whole thing IS translating into not only a human mind but like A TINY human mind. basically mental illness. so many mental illnesses.

HE'S STILL A RLY HAPPY KID...BUT THERE'S SO MUCH TO GET THRU... it's not like he's permanently hallucinating or having night terrors every night either he leads a fairly normal life!!! and is a little kid and has fun and plays around and he's so so so sweet and rly happy!!! but. there's also The Horrors.

i dont think the dan would hide their powers. like yeah sure kano can turn into a cat yippeee!! if we lose a toy we go to hibiya he can find anything!! seto can ALWAYS guess what number we're thinking of it's so funny!! LIKE IT'D BE CUTE RATIO + PLAYING + HAVING FUN OK? PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH, OK!?!?!?!?

but the thing is that haruka saw everything konoha did like THEY WERE. YEAH. haruka & konoha is a THING so i think konoha can ask something and haruka's increasingly like HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT bc there is no way ANYONE could've told him that like the only person who would know is. WELLLLLL KONOHA? i think the big reveal can happen thru konoha being like hey. do u remember when we talked. in that big white room that never ended. that was rly weird lol like when did that happen. where even were we lol. also u were yelling thats so weird u never yell it was scary. lol!! and haruka's like Hehe(shaking) bc as soon as he realises He Cannot Stop realising

what the dan doesn't say is their story ofc bc it's rly sad and like why would they tell their kids abt that lol but. konoha starts asking Questions... Very Specific Questions.

ok sorry i havent even gotten to the way he finds out he's even awakening eyes LOL i think haruka realises btw. he realises before konoha realises. well konoha DOESNT realise. but he HAS been having this identity crisis and he's like damn i already transed my gender WHAT IS IT THIS TIME and he keeps asking these oddly specific questions that are freaking everybody out because he's not even really asking about their pasts?? he's just like mixing his old memories to his current memories and being like uncle shintaro remember when we fell off that high place together :3 and shintaro's like what the fuck are u talking about. like he doesn't describe it specifically enough or whoever he's talking to just assumes someone else told him abt something that happened back then.

like THATS HIS OTHER SELF so haruka isnt even doubting it, as soon as he realises HE DOESNT UNREALISE HE DOESN'T TRY TO CONVINCE HIMSELF OTHERWISE once he knows HE KNOWS. but konoha still doesn't know he's just kinda watching haruka having like a crisis or something.

from then on erm.... about how to manage it... well it'd be a complicated situation. haruka obviously tells takane and she's like ur fucking crazy lol im gonna go talk to him *leaves* *comes back* ok u were right. how the fuck did we even create this.

basically the dan knows before konoha does and it becomes a rly complicated subject about what to do about it because most of them are like the only way to rly make sure is to talk to konoha and they dont know if they wanna do that because they'd have to come clean about their horrible story and yknow konoha's just a kid!! but also if he IS konoha and everything he is seeing are those awful memories then he should know? for peace of mind? maybe? it's... a whole thing. like konoha isn't.... suffering. like obviously all his mental issues are awful but it's not like they will go away just by having context to some stuff. he's still a happy kid. the dan's like ok somehow haruka and ene created a freak of nature. it happens.

like what if they tell him and then all the memories become super clear. why would they wanna do that. most of the memories are total ass and awful. but also konoha's clearly confused and feels so lost. but maybe that's better than him being properly traumatized by remembering everything??

at the end of the day haruka and takane are the parents and they have to decide lollll man they'd be so torn about it. konoha probably throws a line like i just always feel like im forgetting something. THEY'D BREAK DOWN ON EACH OTHER SO BAD AND KONOHA'S LIKE WHYYYY ARE U GUYS CRYINGGGG!?!?! srry haruka and takane for putting u thru the horrors. i think it's funny to do that. congratulations on the marriage and the kid but also cry about it

erm. idk if or how they'd tell him. this is all i can come up with now. bye tune in for next chapter i fucking guess

[fruit-of-infidelity]

// Thank you so, so much for the tag @dryams03 & @khaarl-i !!

I. Favorite Colour:

Purple!

II. Currently Reading:

I'm supposed to have read H. G. Wells' War of the Worlds, amongst other novels, for my English minor at university but... I haven't.

I suppose what I have last been reading was the manga for JJBA Stone Ocean, but that was a little while ago. I've been a lot more focused on other things besides reading lately. >&lt;

III. Last Series:

Again, JJBA Stone Ocean. Still finishing it off as I didn't want to binge it all the moment the most recent batch came out >< Aside from that? Nothing of note as I don't really watch many television, nor Netflix, series. I'm a YouTube sort of person, lol.

IV: Last Movie:

I recently went and saw that new horror movie, Smile, with my mother! I enjoyed it, for a psychological(?) horror as far as its jumpscares and general plot went (and yippee for less audio-dependable spooks than a lot of other movies *cough cough* Conjuring *cough cough*)! I wasn't a big fan of the ending by any means, but it reminded me a lot of another horror by the name of Truth or Dare, actually!

V. Sweet, Spicy or Savory?

Ooh, I love all. I've really been into spicy foods lately, but I don't have a real preference for one over the other!

VI. Currently Working On?:

In between the mountain of university work? Phew, hold onto your hats, because this is gonna be a long list. This isn't in any particular order aside from Ryuuto's route being my first and foremost priority!:

i.) Ryuuto's Haunted Dark Bridal Route: This one, not only includes Ryuuto's route itself (with its unique scenarios, plot, AND tons of new art for him) but mini route scenarios for the other DiaBoys to tie Ryuuto into the universe more, to play a minor antagonist role in the other routes! I did plan on making into a playable route (and this is still a project I'd like to work on!), but that is for the future.

ii.) Various Ryuuto-related Drama CDs: I have a long list of scenarios I want to revolve some Drama CDs around for this blog! You can get a gist of some of the plots on the masterlist I have kicking about. These are just usually some fun in-between bigger projects ^^

iii.) Richter's Haunted Dark Bridal Route: This is one project that I'm not really in a rush to complete, but I'm hoping to get around to eventually. I have a really basic idea for it, but I wanted to give Richter some love too, with a route of his own where I can really see Ryuuto shine in the antagonistic role a little more!

iv.) A Richter Self-Insert blog: This has been on the back burner for a few months now, but I know the plot for a route, and have all the art I need for sprites already done. I have just been procrastinating doing the layout for the blog, before I promote it at all >&lt;

v.) JoJo's OC + Self-Insert Blog: When I tell you that I have a WHOLE plot for a JoJo OC planned out? Omg. It features a self-insert too, but more on that in the next point. I just want a creative outlet for all my JoJo thoughts, with a fun OC to tell my own little spin-off JoJo story. Again, I have to figure out a layout, and do some art but that's something that will only get done in the holidays, I think!

vi.) Cosplays: In-between uni and tumblr stuff, I have recently gotten into cosplaying, and I have so many cosplays planned! I have a meetup this weekend, in fact. Recent plans, however, have been for my own self-made cosplay for JJBA's Polnareff and Hol Horse! I have what I need on the way, and have already been sewing a few things!

// I think that's mainly it, though! This was super fun to do! I'd like to tag so many people but I'll stick to only a few, but please do feel free to jump in if I don't mention you too! @mukami-kuron-mrsadisticcat , @sakamaki-richter , & @kindan-no-kanojo !!

[stephfights]

First post...waiting for my fate

You have a lump.  Wait, what?  My entire life was about to change.  But let me back up and tell you what has led me to this point.  At 38 years old I have been relatively healthy my whole life.  Mean as a snake, country as cornbread and loyal to a fault....that’s me.  But not sick.  I married my soulmate, Chris, in 2003 and had our son (my angel), Clayton, in 2007.  I was a stay at home mom for the first 8 years of Clayton’s life.  I then decided it was time for me to get out of the house and I have now been working at Kroger for over 4 years.  I have a wonderful family, the BEST friends ever and the most awesome customers anyone could ask for. 

In the last couple of years my hair seems to be thinning more that it always has.  I am always hot...not warm....HOT!  I sweat uncontrollably...mostly from my head/face/neck by just doing simple tasks.  I don’t sleep well.  I have gained quite a bit of weight that will not go away.  And I have more acne now than I ever had in high school!  But...I am that person....that person who doesn’t really care for doctors and thinks nothing bad will ever happen to them.  I am the strong one.  I take care of everyone else.  I guess that is what has gotten me to where I am today.  I have spent so many years taking care of everyone else that I put myself on the back burner.

Fast forward to May 2019.  I wake up with a horrible case of vertigo.  Drunk as pet monkey and vomiting I go to the local family physician’s office that I have been going to for 5 years (only for small things like the flu)  Of course...there was a new nurse practitioner.  This was about the 5th different one in the last 3 years.  He started asking me questions about my medical history...and wanted to know why I hadn’t had a well care check up in years.  I told him I didn’t have time...and I didn’t really see the point. At this time my husband shows up at the office.  He has left work because he thinks his wife, who never gets sick, must be on her last leg.  He made me promise before I left that I would come back and have that visit.  Then he lectured me about smoking.  That’s right, I have been a cigarette smoker for 22 years.  I smiled and thanked him and went on my way.

Over the summer Chris starts riding my ass about my promise to the NP to have a well care check up.  He then proceeds to tell my best friend, Amber, who also rides my ass.  After getting tired of listening to them I finally agree just to get them to shut up!

August 2019.  I go for my well care visit.  I decide if I’m going to do this I might as well tell him every little thing that I think is “wrong” with me.  I have had a large thyroid for many years (thanks Dad) but never had any problems with it.  I haven’t had a thyroid ultrasound or blood work in 10 years.  He thinks that may be the cause of some of the symptoms I am having.  So I agree to do both.  The blood work comes back perfectly normal.  The ultrasound shows a goiter and 2 small cysts.  No big deal really.  He didn’t do anything else.  He doesn’t do pap smears or breast exams.  So I think I am home free!  But he wants me to see a specialist.  Just to see what they think.  I am referred by one of my customers to an Endochronologist at Vanderbilt.  Of course I can’t get in until November 4th.  I was pissed but what could I do.  I wanted to see the best.

November 4th comes.  Chris takes off work to go with me.  I have to admit...I was SO nervous.  I don’t know why.  I just don’t like doctors.  After self diagnosing on the internet (don’t EVER do that)  I was convinced I had a brain tumor.  Dr. Craig Sussman comes in and is the nicest man I have ever met.  Like Mr. Rogers nice.  I was totally at ease.  He asked about a million questions and answered any questions I had.  He wants to do an exam from the waste up.  I’m like okay...whatever floats your boat.  So I put on a lovely (enter sarcasm) gown and he comes back in to do a breast and thyroid exam.  Right breast...all good.  Left breast....he finds a lump.  I couldn’t believe it!  I made him show me where it was.  Then he showed Chris where it was.  Damn, it was large!  Where did that come from and how did we miss that?  Even though I had not been to a female doctor in about 8 years I still did a self breast exam.  A lot of times at night while I was laying in bed watching TV.  Dr. S then does a thyroid exam but doesn’t really feel anything worrisome.  I can tell his worry is about that lump.  He wants to schedule a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.  Of course...he tells me it is probably a cyst.  I still had a super uneasy feeling.  My mom has had several breast cysts and I think maybe I have inherited it from her.  So I schedule the tests....and wait for 2 weeks until that appointment.

November 18th.  I have dreaded this for 2 weeks.  I have heard all of the horror stories about how horrible and painful a mammogram is.  I do not like pain...in fact...I’m kind of a wuss.  I ask Chris what if the scans do show something.  But he doesn’t really want to think about that.  I am hoping he can come back with me for the tests....of course they will not let him.  I am literally shivering with tears in my eyes waiting for my mamm.  The tech, Jessica, is so wonderful.  She tries to calm my nerves and gets me in position for the first picture.  Beep...that’s it?  Yep....a mammogram is nothing.  I thought they were going to try to squeeze my boobies as flat as a pancake.  I knew that wasn’t going to work!  But it is literally as easy as an xray.  Jessica laughs and we go on and finish all of the scans.  You have to have a lot more pictures with a diagnostic mammogram as opposed to a screening mammogram.  Then onto the ultrasound.  It’s your typical u/s with the sticky gel and them pushing on you with the little flat scope.  I watch as she measures and pauses.  Then she goes up into my arm pit.  I’m thinking hey...I know my boobs are not perky anymore and they ain’t way up there, but I let her do what she’s doing.  Trying not focus on the weird position she has me in and the cramp that is developing in my shoulder.  She then goes and gets the radiologist.  I know something must be up...but maybe it’s just my fat non perky boobs not cooperating.  She pushes and pauses, pushes and pauses and they whisper back and forth.  Telling me that they are just looking for certain things.  After they finally get done...they ask if my husband is with me.  They are going to give me my results today.  Yippee...I don’t have to wait another flipping week and worry about this!  They go get him and put us in a little room and I tell him that it was “easy peasy” and I don’t know why I was so worked up over it.  We sit there and laugh about how dumb I was and how crazy I had been leading up to this appointment.  Then the radiologist comes in.  I swear she must be some kind of angel.  Her name is Dr. Sara Harvey.  She is sweet, kind and gentle.  She sits down, looks me in the eye, and says you do have a mass and it is solid.  Solid?  Cysts aren’t solid?  She continues with you need a biopsy ASAP.  Do they biopsy cysts?  Nothing is making any sense.   I look up at her and ask is it cancer.  She says yes...I am 90% sure it is.  At this moment my whole world changes.  I can’t look at my husband.  I can’t look at her.  I can only look at the ground and think wow, so this is how I’m going to die.  Chris takes over and asks if we can do the biopsy that day.  She leaves the room to go see what can be done.  As she walks out and the door clicks shut I lose it.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  Begging my husband to tell me what I am suppose to do now.  He has no words.  He just holds me.  Dr. Harvey comes back in and says the biopsy can be done at 1:30 that afternoon....or the following Monday.  Again, I can’t speak.  So Chris tells her we are going to do it that day.  I finally find my voice and ask her who would be doing the procedure.  She says there are a number of radiologist who can do it.  I don’t want them.  I want her.  I don’t know why but I feel this weird connection with her.  She tells me if I want her to do it then she will change her schedule around and do it.  We leave the office and have an hour and half to wait before I have to go back for the biopsies.  I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can only sit and cry.  Chris starts making phone calls.  To my dad so he can pick up Clayton from school.  To my best friend, who is absolutely beside her self.  To my boss, who is not only my boss but a wonderful friend.  To my brother, who lives 9 hours away.

That was the shortest hour and a half in my life.  As I said before, I do not like pain.  But I REALLY do not like needles!  I have no tattoos, I refuse to take shots, IV’s send me into a panic attack.  But I know I am fixing to have a huge needle suck in my left breast.  And again my husband cannot go back with me.  I have to do this by myself.  I am taken back to a room and the nurse goes over exactly what they are going to do and any complications that could arise after.  Dr. Harvey comes in....and wraps me in a big hug.  I cry and cry.  And she just keeps on hugging me.  I lay down on a gurney and they put a warm blanket on me.  Dr. Harvey explains that she will tell me every little thing she is doing before she does it.  First things first is another ultrasound the see exactly where she wants to start.  Then it’s time to numb me up.  I have expressed my fear of needles and they both tell me how great I am doing.  She says it will be a little bee sting and BAM....that is one big ass bee!  I’m not going to lie and tell you that it didn’t hurt....because it did.  But it slowly became numb.  Then BAM....there’s that damn big ass bee again.  She continues over and over until she thinks we are good.  Here comes the biopsy needle.  Which I learn is a core biopsy so it is a much larger needle.  It is so large that she has to cut a slit in my breast with a scalpel to insert it.  She puts it in and it doesn’t really hurt.  It doesn’t feel good but it is tolerable.  She tells me I will hear a click....CLICK....she’s got it.  I am thinking that I am so glad this is over.  Then she tells me that she needs more.  She wants to make sure she has enough so there are no questions later.  I tell her to get extra.  I do not want to do this again!  Click, click.  Okay I’m going to make it.  When she inserts the needle for #4 I feel a sharp stab.  Seems she has to go very deep for this one.  So more numbing meds for me.  Click, click.  She ends up doing 5 total biopsies.  They are telling me how proud they are of me and how strong I am.  I don’t feel very strong.  In fact I feel like I have been beat down.  Both emotionally and physically.  I will get the results in 2-4 business days.  So guess what....more waiting.

Chris stays home with me on Tuesday to make sure I am okay.  My mom comes down and stays with me Wednesday and Thursday.  And we sit and wait.  Every time the phone rings I am looking at the caller ID wondering if this will be the call.  At 2:45 my mom leaves to go pick up Clayton at school.  At 2:48 the phone rings.  It is the call I have been waiting for and I am here by myself.  The lady on the phone must be a saint.  There is no way I could do her job.  “Mrs. Preston I am so sorry to tell you that your biopsies have come back and it is malignant.  You do have cancer”  And just like that.  I am now a cancer patient.  I start trying to ask questions but she doesn’t know any more details.  I am set up with an appt on November 26 with an oncology surgeon and a medical oncologist.  Wow, I get 2 specialist.  She tells me I will find out exactly what type of cancer I have and what stage it is at those appointments.  So once again....we wait.

The worst part of this was having to tell my 12 year old son.  The first thing he said was “But Mom I don’t want you to die”  Yeah...try not to cry after that!

It is a very weird feeling waiting to see if you are going to live or die.  Can this be treated or are they going to give me a certain amount of time to do the things I have always wanted to do?  I do know that I am a fighter.  I have went thru being scared and sad...and now I am just pissed off!  Breast cancer will not beat me!  I have to watch my son grow up!  I can’t kick the bucket and have my husband bring some hoe up in my house!  My parents are not going to have to bury a child!  And my brother will not be an only child!

I am ready for the news tomorrow.  Let’s get going on get this done so I can get on with my life!  Cancer can kiss my ass!

Love to all,

Stephanie Preston

[stephfights]

Looking for my big girl panties

It’s been a while since I blogged.  Too long really.  But I have been in and out of depression, anger, sadness....pretty much any bad feeling.  It’s been a weird summer.  But I’m back and ready to finish the middle of this race so I can get to the end and be done with all this cancer mess!  Buckle up y’all...this is going to be a long blog!

I had a small hiccup on June 30th.  I was sitting watching tv when I got a horrible pain in my bottom right jaw.  It quickly moved down the right side of my neck and into the right side of my chest.  Then it would go away.  Then it would start all over again.  I called Chris to come to me and he was as baffled as I was as to what it could be.  But it wasn’t getting any better.  We finally decided we better call for an ambulance to come check me out.  Of course with me being a cancer patient they were very attentive.  Well...the ambulance people were....but a couple of the first responders were useless.  They didn’t do anything.  Chris was severely pissed.  The paramedic took my blood pressure and it was 180/100.  They wanted to take me to Vandy.  I didn’t really want to go with all this covid mess but the chemo I take can affect your heart so I decided to give in and go.  They wanted to start an IV in route and I told them I had a port and they could just access it.  But the paramedic said that Sumner County would not provide them with the equipment to access a port.  Thanks a lot Sumner County!  He said we could wait until we got to the hospital and they could access it.  When I got to Vandy 3 doctors were waiting for me and they put me in a room by myself to isolate me from anyone else.  They started running EKG’s and ordering other tests.  But of course...when I go to do something medical it is usually a shitshow....and this time was no different.  My nurse was a guy named Cody.  I looked like I could be his mother.  He started out sort of nice I guess.  He was pissed off because I did not have an IV in.  i told him that I had a port and he could access it and he looked at me like I had 2 heads (red flag #1)  So he huffs off to go find the kit to access it but stops at the door and asks me if I know what size needle they usually use (red flag #2)  I tell him 1/2 inch.  He drags back in and tells me the only size they have is 3/4 inch...yippee.  He opens the kit and starts getting all of the stuff out, wiping my whole chest down with alcohol and feeling around for my port.  Luckily my port is right under the skin.  It has 3 raised dots on it and you stick the needle in the middle of those dots.  He is rubbing and pushing and feeling with this intense look on his face.  So I casually ask “You have done this before, right?”  And he says “Of course!”  Okay, cool.  So I am sitting there looking to the left so I don’t breathe on my sterile chest and I wait and I wait and I wait...nothing.  So I sneak a peak to my right and I shit you not this KID has got the directions out of the kit and reading them. (red flag #3)  Why would he have to read the directions if he has done this before?  I mean has he only done it once before when he was in school or what?  I ask “everything okay?”  And he says “Yes, these are new kits and they are different from the old ones so I want to make sure I have this right.”  Uh..,,yeah!  So he finally gets all his ducks in a row and asks me if I’m ready.  Dude...I’ve been ready for 30 minutes!  Let’s go!  Bam he inserts the needle and I immediately know something is wrong because it has never hurt that bad.  He missed.  He freaking missed the whole port!  He has put this 3/4 inch needle into my chest.  I open my mouth to tell him to stop and he starts twisting it thinking he can maneuver it enough to get it into the port.  Y’all....I aint gonna lie.  I didn’t know whether to pass out, cry or punch him in the face.  He finally pulls it out...of course blood starts running so he slaps his hand on my chest and throws the needle onto the tray which causes blood to splatter on the counter and the wall.  He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him.  He says “I missed.”  Well no shit Sherlock...ya think?  He gets the bleeding to stop and leaves the room.  I sit there and plot his death and he comes back in with another kit.  I grab ahold of his wrist and tell him that he has one more shot at this or I am putting it in myself.  He looked terrified and just shook his head yes.  On the second try he got out an ink pen and marked the center of the port and got it right in with no problems.  What did I tell ya...shitshow.  I should have been more aware of the red flags.  Trying to make a long story short they did multiple EKG’s, chest xrays, CT scan and ultrasound.  Everything came back fine.  They think maybe the port shifted and caused the pain.  So after 13 hours in the ER (by myself because no one could be with me) Chris brought me home. 

We did get to go camping 3 times this summer....finally!  And we had so much fun!  It was the only thing outside of the house that I could do.  We fished, talked, sang, ate junk food, played games and just hung out.  It has been wonderful!

I saw my surgeon, Dr. Mary Hooks, on July 7th.  We finally got my surgery scheduled for August 21.  I am nervous but I am trying to find my big girl panties to put on so I can get thru this.  I think I am down to my last pair.   As of right now Chris can go with me but he will have to drop me off at surgery that morning and wont see me until that night when I get in my room.  Surgery will be a minimum of 4-5 hours.  I will blog more details about that later on. 

I had treatment #6 (out of 11) this week.  My awesome infusion nurse (seriously, I love her)  had a little trouble with my port....she says it has moved.  So that explained everything that happened to me the day I went to the hospital.   And of course....I had a reaction to my treatment.  I once again had to be pumped with emergency meds.  But I’m okay.  It has made the last couple of days hell but I am hoping for a better tomorrow.  The steroid jacks me up and the benadryl wears me down.  So it is like my body is constantly fighting with itself.  It definitely screws with your mind!

So that is my update as of now.  I am still in menopause hell but no one wants to hear about that today.   I will lay out all of the surgery details within the next 2 weeks.  I am so thankful for all of you that have called, sent cards, texts, etc.  It means so much to me.  I miss everyone!  I know I still have a few more months of quarantine but man when this is over I am going to paint the town red.  Or maybe just light pink.  (wink wink)

Love to all,

Steph