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trophywifejimgordon · 4 years

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okay so, oswald’s stupid aliases meta? oswald’s stupid aliases meta.

after returning to gotham in 1x3, oswald fairly quickly takes on a few false titles, first when confronted by a fish mooney lackey in an alley who recognizes him as the ex umbrella boy (in a panic, he tells the man that he must be confused, his name is dmitri... yeah, no), then when trying to endear himself to don maroni (trying to claim italian heritage, he calls himself paolo), and finally, in 1x4, when introducing himself to barbara (”i’m peter. peter... humboldt.”).

so.

of these, and i’m separating the last one into two parts, i pretty much have the least to say about dmitri. while oswald has some time off screen to think about the other names, the confrontation with the mook forces him to come up with that one on the spot, so imo it’s the least likely to have heavy significance; likely he just chose it because it’s a very slavic name to fit the very slavic accent he’s not fooling anyone with. if i were really pressed about it, i might point out that dmitri is derived from demeter, the greek goddess of the harvest (among other things). demeter is responsible for the growth of the crops, but also presides over the cycle of life and death and the sacred law; one of her titles is “law-bringer,” referring to the idea that idea that law and order formed in agricultural society. the interaction oswald has here with this mook is notable in that--before he kills the guy--oswald insists that “gotham needs him! [he is] its future!” oswald aligning himself, consciously or not, with being responsible for gotham’s fertility, its health, and most of all its structure, would not be out of character for him, and is in fact directly supported by his interactions with the man to whom he gives the fake name.

but that’s all pretty tenuous.

next up, paolo! this one, i had fun with. see, i had a somewhat classical education. i read the inferno. that being so, my immediate connection with the name paolo (and, indeed, the only major literary connection i could find) was to the story of paolo malatesta and francesca da rimini. they’re condemned to the second circle of hell for their lust, yadda yadda, whatever. i’m mostly just concerned with the man himself; one source (from the owlcation page on paolo and francesca) describes him as “a romantic sort, a man not really interested in the world around him.” (emphasis mine.) which is fun, because guess what oswald’s doing at the time that he gives this name? he’s almost just been hired as a dishwasher at bamonte’s, maroni’s favorite restaurant. given the job, he’s warned that he hears nothing, sees nothing, says nothing. in all likelihood, oswald gives maroni this name mainly for its obvious italian origin, attempting (successfully) to endear himself to the obviously italian don by claiming “his mother’s” italian ancestry. however, there are a lot of italian names he could have chosen from. i don’t see why his choice of this one couldn’t also be a subtle way of reaffirming that he’s following the rules set out for him. paolo malatesta’s wikipedia page (and like, wikipedia as a source, i know, i know, but) takes this a little further, recounting that paolo is traditionally portrayed as a man “not very inclined to aspirations for power.” very NOT oswald, obviously. at the same time, very appropriate for his meek act as he slowly endears himself to maroni. even spicier, though, is this: “recent investigations, however, reveal [paolo] as a young man very attentive to politics and immersed in the political intrigue of the time.” so, could this mean that his fake name is not only a reaffirmation of his lowly position, but also a very, very veiled hint that he’s more than he seems? it would feel appropriate, in this case, that the traditional interpretation of malatesta is the one that oswald is banking on to facilitate his squirm into maroni’s inner circle, while the contemporary reading is the one he actually identifies with. that’s oswald all over; in touch with the old ways, yet in a class all his own.

a little less dramatically, paolo, like the anglicized “paul,” has roots meaning “small” or “humble.” so, in more ways than one, the name can be seen as oswald bending at the knee to maroni’s apparent superiority... and beginning to bide his time.

now, peter humboldt.

you know, i really never did like this name? i’ve watched 1x4 at least six or seven times, and it always kind of made me go :/ when he offered it, because it’s just kind of... ugly, i guess. i have to say though (while i still think it’s ugly on sound alone), i’m fully obsessed with it now.

like i said, i’m breaking this down into two parts. my analysis of the “peter” half, as with my analysis of “dmitri,” is a little more tenuous, just because it’s a fairly plain, common name. however, the low hanging fruit is the apostle peter, and never let it be said that i don’t take the low hanging fruit. so... peter. on the surface, oswald doesn’t have a whole lot in common with the story of peter the apostle, and that kind of threw a wrench in my analysis for a while. being inclined to fit that particular square block into this particular round hole, though, i got there. don’t worry, y’all. my penchant for bullshit knows no bounds.

first thing’s first, it bears note that “peter” was an alias of sorts for the apostle, too, since his given name was simon/simeon. he was jesus’s first disciple, and went from that to eventually heading up the church after the crucifixion and all following, becoming the “first pope.” such an ascension is a little reminiscent of oswald’s from umbrella boy to the head of the gotham underworld, i guess. and that’s cool. But We Can Go Deeper. i think it’s always kind of useful to keep in mind who the alias is for at the time; who oswald is trying to fool. in this case, the recipient of his bullshit is barbara kean, with an audience of an already in-the-know jim gordon. before his ascension, and furthermore, before either of them joined with christ, peter was already affiliated with a few other disciples: andrew (his brother), john, and james. (neither here nor there, but st. james was the first of the disciples to be martyred. jim...) peter and james--and the others, but i’m talking about peter and james--worked together; they were fishermen. in light of his audience, i think that it’s not entirely inconceivable that oswald is affirming his pre-ascent connection to james gordon (who he does exclusively refer to as james for the duration of the scene, rather than the ‘jim’ we get a lot more later on). not to mention, you know, the whole nautical theme. it’s not a particularly inspired link, but it does kind of work for him. additionally, while i still admit this is not the strongest meta i’ve ever written, oz choosing this name for these reasons would pair nicely with a running theme later in the season (that gets more or less dropped off by season 2, disappointingly), wherein oswald is repeatedly implied to have at least a tenuous christian background and some possible lingering expression of faith... think about the season finale, when falcone tells him he’ll burn in hell and oswald is momentarily taken aback, admitting, “i do worry about that.”

(while i’m on this particular bullshit, one other thing that peter is known for is denying jesus three times after his death, but ultimately being forgiven and heading jesus’s church anyway. because i am a lover of Increasingly Tenuous Connections, i kind of see this as foreshadowing of the twist in 1x7. oswald’s protests to fish in the pilot that he would never betray her are reminiscent of peter’s insistence that even if every other disciple renounced jesus, he would not. naturally, he did betray her, and implicitly falcone through her. he continues renouncing his falcone ties, first by secretly joining maroni and then by openly joining maroni and threatening to spark a gang war... but at the end of it all, we learn that his “loyalties” (such as they are) never actually changed--he’s still falcone’s man. just. idk. idk. i’m Thinking About It.)

aaaaand, finally, humboldt.

so :)

this is the part that i honestly wrote this whole thing to explore. because the thing is? i looooooove that he chose the name humboldt, now that i feel like i know why he chose it. i still think it sounds like a stupid name, but the subtext? the implications? UGH!

right off the bat, my first impression was just that it sounds like the word “humble,” which goes back to the thing with paolo. neat enough. but, this name isn’t given to don maroni--it’s given to barbara. and remember, that’s important. so, what does humboldt mean, other than that? well, the one person with that name famous enough to bear mentioning is apparently alexander von humboldt. i’m certain that the name is, one way or another, a reference to him... and i’ll get to why in a second. he was a prussian (so, eastern european--check) polymath, as well as a naturalist, romantic philosopher, explorer, etc, and raised mainly by a single mother to boot. not all of his hats are directly related to oswald’s interests and skillsets, i’ll grant you, but the fact that he was a naturalist does have direct implications for why i think oswald choosing this name was a deliberate reference to this person by the writers of the show, because see, the thing is, there were quite a few animals named after him... including Spheniscus humboldti.

the humboldt penguin.

given that it’s gotham, i do have to acknowledge the possibility (probability) that that’s as deep as it goes. the writers were looking for a clever way to slip another penguin reference in there (they’re not. exactly. subtle, especially in season one, with the way that the characters are going to turn out), they looked up breeds of penguins, found this one, that’s it. but, on the other hand, there are other breeds of penguins that they could have chosen, and they chose this one. whether it was deliberate or only an accident, the decision was made, and i am running with it.

because, like, another fun thing about humboldt: he was gay.

(side note 2: you know tfw you’re on someone’s wikipedia page and there’s a ton of information about them and their life and their contributions to science but you’re like outta my way i ONLY want to know this man’s sexuality? ah, the personal life tab. where would we be without you.)

well, it’s one of those situations where you have to decide if you’re going to try to ascribe modern sexuality labels to historical figures, and at the end of the day, i won’t really get into it. however, though there is some scholarly discourse that cites him as a largely asexual figure (and while i’m definitely not getting into it and do not intend this as an attack on the asexual community in any way, i have to say an obviously gay man being desexualized to make him more palatable feels... familiar), the facts seem undeniable that he experienced same-sex attraction, whether or not you want to define this as exclusive. it is speculated that he had notable affairs with or at least vehement attraction toward wilhelm gabriel wegener, reinhardt von haeften, françois arago, and possibly his valet seifret, among others. maybe gotham writers didn’t intend for this little throwaway alias to be read as an announcement of oswald’s sexuality (although, even if “humboldt” wasn’t, the exchange he has with barbara--“i never get to meet any of jim’s friends, because he doesn’t tell me anything” “men.” “don’t i know!”--sure was... something), but as i am not a coward, i am perfectly content to read it as one anyway. and don’t forget what i said--this is the alias he gives to barbara. barbara, about whom he knows a possibly suspicious amount, given that she’s almost irrelevant to his political schemes. barbara, whose apartment he went to for jim gordon. barbara, who is, perhaps, his perceived romantic rival.

look, it’s probably just a name and a penguin joke. but what’s the point of metatextual analysis if you can’t be like “he showed up and told barb his name was peter humboldt because he wanted to affirm that his origins are tied to saint jim’s and let it be known that the two of them are in competition for jim’s attention all in the most dramatic way possible and while smugly congratulating himself on being so clever and subtle”?? this isn’t really a threat--in contrast to how creepy he is with women he is threatening, namely fish and liza, oswald is downright courteous to barbara--so much as it is an indulgent expression of petty jealousy. i think he wants jim but perhaps doesn’t even realize the extent or in which way yet; he just wants barbara to know, on some level, that she’s sharing, and jim to know (because jim is just as much an audience to his performance here, and he knows that the alias is fake, might be driven to consider, with that detective brain of his, why he chose what he chose...), on some level, that they’re tied.

oof. ok. that was a lot, but one last thing. since i’m already indulging in gratuitous oswald parallels with humboldt anyway, i might as well point out this line from a letter he wrote to reinhardt von haeften, after von haeften’s engagement to a woman: “Even if you must refuse me, treat me coldly with disdain, I should still want to be with you... the love I have for you is not just friendship or brotherly love, it is veneration.”

i’m on my bullshit, but... you can hear it in his voice, right?

#gotham #oswald cobblepot #meta #text post #.....#gobblepot #look. look. the fact that dissecting gotham like this is inherently futile vs. I Want It To Be That Deep Dot Jpeg #i was writing my notes on 1x3 and 1x4 of gotham last night #and on a lark #a laugh #i went down a rabbit hole of 'hey i wonder if that name was supposed to mean anything'#TURNS OUT!!!!!#i could have done this in a 'in this essay i will' format but that would rob me of the opportunity to actually go ham #which is obviously unacceptable. given the circumstances.

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imaginesbymk · 5 years

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fandom list.

categories:

Films

TV Shows

YouTube ASMR Voice Audios (misc.)

* Italics = a character I will only write platonically.

—films

The Maze Runner

Thomas / Teresa Agnes / Newt / Minho / Frypan / Gally / Brenda / Aris / Sonya / Harriet

Janson / Ava Paige

The Hunger Games

Katniss Everdeen / Primrose Everdeen / Peeta Mellark / Gale Hawthorne / Finnick Odair / Haymitch Abernathy / Cato / Clove / Glimmer / Foxface / Enobaria / Johanna Mason / Effie Trinket

Rue / President Snow / President Alma Coin / Cinna

Titanic (1997)

Jack Dawson / Rose DeWitt Bukater / Fabrizio / Cal Hockley / and maybe the ship officers

Triple Frontier

Tom “Redfly” Davis / Santiago “Pope” Garcia / Francisco “Catfish” Morales / William “Ironhead” Miller / Ben Miller / Yovanna

Reservoir Dogs

Mr. Orange / Mr. Pink / Mr. Brown / Mr. Blonde / Mr. White / Nice Guy Eddie

Pulp Fiction

Vincent Vega / Jules Winnfield / Mia Wallace / Butch / Ringo "Pumpkin

Inglourious Basterds

Aldo Raine / Donny Dorowitz / Shosanna Dreyfus “Emmanuelle Mimieux” / Marcel / Archie Hicox / Bridget Von Hammersmark / Hugo Stiglitz

Hans Landa, Major Dieter Hellstrom, Fredrick Zoller (in some cases, I can write implied topics but nothing of my writing condones Landa, Hellstrom or Zoller’s actions as N*zis - in no way am I tangentially condoning their actions in this film - so they are written platonically - preferably as enemies of the reader)

Dunkirk

Tommy / Peter / George / Gibson / Alex / Collins / Farrier / Soldier (Cillian Murphy)

Midsommar

Dani Ardor / Christian Hughes / Josh / Mark / Pelle

Heathers (1989)

The Heathers / Veronica Sawyer / Jason “J.D” Dean

Scream franchise

(1996) Sidney Prescott / Billy Loomis / Stu Macher / Randy Meeks / Tatum Riley / Dewey Riley / Gale Weathers

(2000) Roman Bridger

(2022) Tara / Sam / Amber / Richie / Chad

—tv shows

Gotham

Bruce Wayne / Selina Kyle / Edward Nygma / Oswald Cobblepot / Jim Gordon / Jerome Valeska / Jeremiah Valeska / Ecco / Barbara Kean / Tabitha Galavan / Jervis Tetch / Lee Thompkins / Ivy Pepper (older), Fish Mooney, Eduardo Dorrance “Bane” / Ra’s Al-Gul / Victor Zsasz, Jonathan Crane “Scarecrow”

Harvey Bullock, Alfred Pennyworth, Butch Gilzean

Squid Game

Gi-Hun / Sang-Woo / Kang Sae-byeok / Hwang Jun-ho / Ali Abdul / Ji-yeong

Arcane (League of Legends)

Vi / Jinx / Caitlyn Kiramman / Sevika / Silco / Vander / Ekko / Jayce Talis / Viktor / Mel Medarda / Deckard

Powder (younger)

Euphoria

Rue Bennett / Jules Vaughn / Maddy Perez / Cassie Howard / Lexi Howard / Kat Hernandez / McKay / Fezco / Elliot

Gia Bennett / Ashtray

***will not write for Nate, Cal or Aaron Jacobs***

Skins (UK)

Generation 1: Tony Stonem / Sid Jenkins / Cassie Ainsworth / Michelle Richardson / Jal Fazer / Chris Miles / Anwar Kharral / Maxxie Oliver (no female pairing unless platonic/familial)

Generation 2: Effy Stonem / Pandora Moon / James Cook / Freddy McClair / JJ Jones / Thomas Tomone / Katie & Emily Fitch / Naomi Campbell

Generation 3: Franky Fitzgerald / Mini McGuiness / Alo Creevey / Rich Hardbeck / Liv Malone / Grace Blood

The Haunting of Hill House

Steven Crain / Shirley Crain / Theo Crain / Nell Crain / Luke Crain

Young!Crain siblings, Hugh Crain, Olivia Crain

The Haunting of Bly Manor

Dani Clayton / Jamie / Peter Quint / Rebecca Jessel / Owen / Hannah Grose

Henry Wingrave / Flora Wingrave / Miles Wingrave

Black Mirror

Bandersnatch: Stefan Butler / Colin Ritman

Fifteen Million Merits: Bingham Madsen / Abi Khan

Be Right Back: Ash Starmer

White Christmas: Matt

San Junipero: Kelly / Yorkie

Hated in the Nation: Karin Parke / Blue Colson

USS Callister: Nanette Cole, Walton, Elena Tulaska, Shania

Hang the DJ: Frank / Amy

Kenny (Shut Up & Dance) / Robert Daly (USS Callister)

*I do not write for all Black Mirror episodes*

The Pacific

Bob Leckie / John Basilone / Manny Rodriguez / Lew “Chuckler” Juergens / Wilbur “Runner” / Conley Andrew “Ack Ack” Haldane / Eddie “Hillbilly” Jones / Bill “Hoosier” Smith / Eugene Sledge / Merriell “Snafu” Shelton / Sid Phillips / Jay D’Leau / Bill Leyden / R.V Burgin / Vera Keller / Lena Riggi

Superstore

Jonah / Amy / Dina / Garrett / Cheyenne / Mateo / Marcus / Bo

Glenn Sturgis

The Queen’s Gambit

Beth Harmon / Jolene / Benny Watts / D.L Townes / Harry Beltik

The Good Place

Michael / Eleanor Shellstrop / Chidi Anagonye / Tahani Al-Jamil / Jason Mendoza / Janet

The Walking Dead (S1-11)

Rick Grimes / Shane Walsh / Daryl Dixon / Carl Grimes / Glenn Rhee / Maggie Rhee / Beth Greene / Michonne Hawthorne / Negan / Simon / Enid / Rosita Espinosa / Yumiko / Magna / Connie / Kelly / Jesus / Siddiq / Noah / Cyndie / Tara Chambler / Dwight / Sherry / Sasha Williams / Eugene Porter / Jerry / King Ezekiel / Abraham Ford

Aaron, Lydia, Judith Grimes, Henry Peletier, Sophia Peletier

Dracula (BBC/2020 Netflix original)

Count Dracula / Agatha Van Helsing / Zoe Van Helsing / Jonathan Harker / Jack

Peaky Blinders (S1-S6)

Tommy Shelby / Arthur Shelby / Ada Thorne / John Shelby / Finn Shelby / Polly Gray / Michael Gray / Grace Burgess / Lizzie Starke / May Carleton / Alfie Solomons / Luca Changretta / Tatiana Petrovna / Gina Gray / Aberama Gold / Bonnie Gold

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake Peralta / Amy Santiago / Rosa Diaz / Charles Boyle, Gina Linetti

Raymond Holt / Kevin Cozner

Shadowhunters

Clary Fray / Jace Wayland / Alec Lightwood / Isabelle Lightwood / Magnus Bane / Simon Lewis / Maia Roberts / Luke Garroway / Raphael / Jordan Kyle / Seelie Queen / Meliorn / Hodge Starkweather / Helen Blackthorn / Aline Penhallow

Jonathan Morgenstern / Sebastian Verlac (as disguise) / Valentine Morgenstern / Jocelyn Fray / Maryse Lightwood / Max Lightwood / Camille Belcourt

Stranger Things

Steve Harrington / Jonathan Byers / Nancy Wheeler / Robin Buckley / Eddie Munson / Chrissy Cunningham / Dmitri Antonov / 001/Henry Creel/”Peter” (not writing him as Vecna) / Jim Hopper / Joyce Byers

Eleven / Mike Wheeler / Will Byers / Lucas Sinclair / Dustin Henderson / Max Mayfield

***no longer writing for Billy Hargrove***

—youtube asmr voice audios (misc)

ZSakuVA

Professor Andrew Marston (Strict Professor series)

CardlinAudio

#fandom list #fandoms #imaginesbymk #multifandoms

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papermoonloveslucy · 7 years

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Lucy Gets Jack Benny’s Account

S6;E6~ October 16, 1967

Synopsis

When the bank needs to find unique depositors, Lucy sets out to convince notorious miser Jack Benny to become a customer. But first, they have to build a vault secure enough to satisfy Benny.

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carmichael), Gale Gordon (Theodore J. Mooney), Roy Roberts (Mr. Cheever)

Mary Jane Croft (Mary Jane Lewis) does not appear in this episode.

Guest Cast

Jack Benny (Himself) was born on Valentine’s day 1894. He had a successful vaudeville career, and an even greater career on radio with “The Jack Benny Program” which also became a successful television show. His screen persona was known for being a penny-pincher and playing the violin. His theme song was “Love in Bloom.” Benny was a Beverly Hills neighbor of Lucille Ball’s and the two were off-screen friends. Benny previously appeared on the series as Harry Tuttle (a Jack Benny doppelganger) in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2) and did a voice over cameo as himself in “Lucy With George Burns” (S5;E1). He later appeared on three episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” Benny and Ball appeared on many TV variety and award shows together. He died in 1974.

Gladys (voice on the intercom), six Native Americans in full war paint, and Irving the gorilla, all go uncredited. It is possible, however, that actor George Barrows was inside the gorilla costume. Barrows played gorillas in three previous “Lucy Show” episodes.

The episode was filmed on September 15, 1967.

The script, written by Milt Josefsberg and Ray Singer, won an Emmy nomination in 1968, the only writing nomination of the entire series. The episode was so popular with viewers that it was included in “The Lucy Show” rerun series presented on CBS in prime time every summer through 1971.

Lucy proposes that the bank go after unique accounts like the Queen of England or the King of Thailand or Mickey Mouse (“Put your money where your mouse is!”). Lucy calls Benny “the Maharajah of Beverly Hills” because he doesn't trust banks and keeps all his money in his home.

The scene at Benny's home begins with him practicing the violin, but when the doorbell rings he stops 'playing' and the music continues. Before answering the door, he shuts off the stereo and says “I'll be right back Jascha.” Jascha Heifetz (1901-87) was a Russian-born musician considered him to be the greatest violinist of all time.

In Benny's home there is an autographed photo of Bob Hope prominently displayed. At one point the camera actually nudges a few inches mid-shot in order to get the photo in the frame. Hope had a cameo the first time Benny appeared on the series in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2). Throughout their careers, Hope and Benny would appear on each others programs and even did two films together. In the episode, Benny describes Hope as “one of his fans.”

Benny says he used to have a polar bear named Carmichael. On Benny's radio show he often referred to a pet polar bear named Carmichael, voiced by Mel Blanc. Blanc did the voice of a parrot in The Fuller Brush Girl (1950) starring Lucille Ball. He will also lend his voice talents to a 1969 episode of “Here's Lucy.” Coincidentally, Carmichael was Lucille Ball’s surname in her previous sitcom, “The Lucy Show.”

Seeing a photo of Jack Benny in the navy Lucy asks if he was in the Korean War. Benny takes one of his famous long takes and then says “bless you!” Benny actually served in World War I, often entertaining the troops with his violin. The Korean War started in 1950 and ended (unofficially) in 1953.

Lucy also spots photos of Benny with two presidents. Benny met several times with President Harry S. Truman and also met John F. Kennedy in 1962.

Lucy recognizes a photo of Rochester. In 1937, Eddie Rochester Anderson began playing Rochester Van Jones, Jack Benny's valet, on his radio show “The Jack Benny Program.” Anderson became the first Black American to have a regular role on a nationwide radio program. When the series moved to television, Anderson continued in the role until the series ended in 1965.

When Lucy admires a cast photo of Benny's old television show, Benny says he often sees Dennis Day and sometimes “trips over” Phil Harris (right), a reference to Harris' persona as a lush. In “Lucy and Joan” (S4;E4) Joan (Joan Blondell) says she’s been in pictures so long she saw Phil Harris take his first drink. Harris was a bandleader who became a comic radio star as a Jack Benny sidekick in the 1930’s. Although his fondness for bourbon was largely a creation of the Benny's writers, Harris played the part to the hilt. Dennis Day (left) appeared for the first time on Benny's radio show in 1939 and remained associated with him until Benny's death in 1974. He was introduced as a young, naïve boy singer – a character he kept through his whole career.

There is a flirtatiousness between Benny and Lucy that ignores the fact that Benny was married to Mary Livingstone. Lucy even proposes that she and Benny go out on a date. Curiously, Livingstone is nowhere to be seen at the home (nor are any servants, but perhaps that is due to Benny's frugality).

Jack Benny gets entrance applause in his second scene, indicating the episode may have been shot out of sequence to accommodate the unusual settings.

Benny tells Mr. Mooney his social security number is 1. Benny says his father's name is Mortimer and his mother's maiden name is J.P. (Judith Priscilla) Morgan. In real life Benny's birth name was Benjamin Kubelsky and he was the son of Meyer Kubelsky and Emma Sachs.

Benny says he has a tattoo that says “J-E-L-L-O” because “in those days sponsors were hard to get.” In 1934, General Foods, the makers of Jell-O and Grape-Nuts, became the sponsor strongly identified with Benny for 10 years. The Jell-O jingle spelled out the name of the gelatin desert product.

The Westland Bank's new Benny vault is 300 feet down. Lucy notes that due to its subterranean location, the vault is “smog free.” This the third mention on the series of the Los Angeles smog problem. It was previously joked about in “Lucy and Tennessee Ernie Ford” (S5;E21) and “Lucy Meets Sheldon Leonard” (S5;E22).

The vault is equipped with land mines, a guillotine...

knife-throwing wild Indians (who demand overtime)...

a pool filled with piranha...

“Piranha fish? What a picnic they'd have with Jackie Gleason. You know, by the time he could say, 'Away we go,' he'd already be gone.” Lucy has done Jackie Gleason's famous “away we go” exit move several times on the series. Gleason himself will make a cameo appearance on the 1968 “Here's Lucy” episode that features Jack Benny.

snapping turtles...

Irving the gorilla (who is managed by Benny)...

and a pit of quicksand. Milt Josefsberg, writing in his book, The Jack Benny Show, talks about the episode's quicksand effect:

“For the quicksand routine, we had to build a small special elevator in this hole. The floor around it was raised about a foot via a small sloping wall, and the entire area was then filled with lukewarm water. Then this small lake was covered with a dark sawdust-like material, a couple of inches thick, which floated on the surface, giving it the appearance of solid ground. As Lucy and Jack walked into this pit, the slightly sloping walls made them seem to sink. When they reached the ‘elevator hole,’ they stood still, the machinery was turned on, the elevator went down, and they slowly began to sink from view. Because the machinery powering the elevator sat beneath it, the floor could only descend four or five feet. When Lucy and Jack felt the elevator stop as it reached bottom, they were almost shoulder high in the gooey mixture, but now they slowly bent their knees, giving further illusion that they were going to disappear into a bottomless pit.”

The effect almost doesn't happen. Benny was apprehensive about being able to stay on his feet, and Ball had an attack of claustrophobia. However, both got through the scene like professionals.

The quicksand effect cost Desilu $25,000, the most expensive television episode at the time. Lucille Ball later commented, “I don’t mind how expensive a gag is, as long as it gets a good laugh!”

Callbacks!

Piranha ate Lucy's purse in “Lucy Gets the Bird” (S3;E2).

Blooper Alerts!

When Benny bars the door to show Lucy the secret entrance to his vault, the doors make a metallic clinking sound as they are secured. When Benny goes through the secret passage, the sound happens again, causing Lucille Ball to look around wondering what the noise was.

“Lucy Gets Jack Benny’s Account” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

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tube thoughts vol. 3

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

GLOW 'The Story of the Glorious Ladies of Wrestling' *What they lack in testosterone they make up for in tenacity and triumph.* 3 stars

'Heavy Metal' *You don't have to be high on cat piss, like the southpark heavy metal homage, for this trip.* 3 stars

G.I. Joe 'Retaliation' *Joe Pros: Firefly portrayal, really badass toys/tech and actor. Cobra Commander, creepy even in a prison fishtank. Brief Storm Shadow vs. Snake Eyes faceoff (wish was longer). Red Ninjas. The Rock's tumbler tank & hover-boat-gun-boat. Bruce Willis' stash of high powered weapons littered throughout his suburban home (quite funny). Cobra Cons: All the pop culture references. RZA's acting. Moronic score/soundtrack. Roland Emmerich style large scale CGI destruction of a major city. Cliche'd walking away from an explosion while not looking back -scene.* 2 stars

"Second Glance" 1992 --Christian themed after school special-- *A Jason Segel look-a-like gets really pushy about his politeness and preachiness getting in the way of his puerile attempts at procuring poontang at a 1980s style high school where the people, and setting, are so awkward that it must be the town over from Napoleon Dynamite.* 2 1/2 stars

Russel Mulcahy's 'Tale of the Mummy' *When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, dirty toilet paper will CGI creep across the planet. Cursed with some of the flaws of other late 90s horror thrillers, this movie at least tries and is earnest in its attempt at an homage and modern updating of a classic genre. Moreso than Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' which was somewhat entertaining but chose to take the Universal Monster character and turn him into a showy villain in an action adventure movie.* 2 1/2 stars

Fox's "Gotham" Season 1 Episode 1 *I'm not a fan of shoehorning Renee Montoya into Jim & Barbara Gordon's relationship. Jada Pinkett Smith's character Fish Mooney looks to play too much of a major role in the show. I don't care about seeing a child version of Ivy or Catwoman looking like cosplay fan service early versions of both characters. Not liking the new character relationships, like mentioned above, and the inclusion of the Fish Mooney character's overbearing presence just might keep me from coming back to see what I do like most about the show, which is Bullock, Penguin, and Jim Gordon's personal quest to make things right with the Wayne homicide and corruption surrounding it.* 2 1/2 stars

Captain America: "The Winter Soldier" *A couple of old song and dance(s). Would you feel safer with guns pointed at everyone on the globe? Sometimes you have to say you don't know the people that you used to know.* 3 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Pacific Rim" *It's easy to believe a mad scientist would try to synch his brain with a giant lizard, from another dimension, when you've already seen the same actor eat the cheese from slum land rat-traps and digest catfood in a sleep experiment. Asian women driving cars is bad enough, let alone giving them the keys to a transformer. In this world, the weather channel is better than the WWE.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Thank God It's Friday, Again" *Wastin' Away In Margarita Village of the Damned Josefine Stalin Turnip Farm Rave Party* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: "White Light Fever" starring Bruce Davison *To hell with natural death. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the reaper gets the final jolt.* 3 stars

X Men: "Days of Future Past" *The Sentinels are realized, on film, in the scary and overwhelming manner they should be. And you can't go wrong with Peter Dinklage.* 3 stars

Transformers: "More Than Meets The Eye" (3 part 1984 debut) *Dear diary, Otimus Prime would make a neat president. 1984 presidential election-- Otimus Prime & Michael Jackson vs. Megatron & Ronald Regan* 3 stars

Fred Dekker & Stan Winston present "Monster Squad" *The only time you'll see Dracula dynamite a kids' clubhouse in order to make a statement.* 3 stars

SYFY & The Asylum present--- Z Nation: "Puppies & Kittens" *Captures the style of AMC's "The Walking Dead" closely except for the great storytelling and practical visual fx of Robert Kirkman & Greg Nicotero. That being said, it's debatable whether DJ Qualls as disc jokey of the z nation is more debonair than Daryl Dixon, the possum eating sex symbol of the world of "Walkers."--* 2 Stars

Charles Band presents "Ghost Town" *Going mad, on the lone prairie, chasing tumbleweeds. A role reversal High Plains Drifter.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents Larry Cohen's "It Lives Again" *The still grieving father, from the first film, leads a fringe group of citizens and scientists who fight the pro-life fight for the killer mutant babies because they believe the distubing infants could be the next step in human evolution. Yep, another misguided organization, like PETA, this time with even more disastrous results.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Dream Cruise" *The Japanese tell a decent ghost story. This one involves treachery, trying to forget, and the curse of the dead at sea.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Choice" *Paige Fletcher, The Hitchhiker, hires a scanner nanny to look after his American Beauty daughter who suffers the same condition. The nanny wants to abduct the daughter into a Lillith cult, while a G-man witchhunter searches for the cult, the little girl, and the nanny to experiment on them in a concentration camp.* 3 stars

"Without Warning" (1980) *You don't want to be stranded in the middle of B.F.E. stuck between batshit Martin Landau, batshit Jack Palance, and a shadowy Slender Man like alien with his flying leeches.* 3 stars

Thundarr: The Barbarian-- "Secret of the Black Pearl" *Nomads living in the ruins of Manhattan, after a great cataclysm, discover a power to fight against an evil two-faced sorcerer. They entrust it to a Conan, with a lightsaber, his musclebound Wookie, and a hot sorceress. The heroes use it to fight off Two-Face and his torch flamethrower wielding animated Statue of Liberty.* 3 stars

"Hot Dog: The Movie" guest starring Shannon Tweed and the guy from American Werewolf in London-- *Sex crazed 1980s party animals versus stuck up German snobs on the ski slopes of Squaw Valley, USA.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Genesis of the Daleks" *The Daleks originated on a planet where two civilizations fought in their own version of WW1, WW2, and the Cold War for over a thousand years.* 3 stars

Disney's Gummi Bears "A New Adventure" *A kid in a king's court stumbles onto the truth about his favorite fairy tale creatures. They're real. He teams up with these Renaissance Beverly Hillbilly bears to stop a dastardly duke, and his bumbling ogre henchmen, from catapulting the king's castle to ruins.* 3 stars

"The Peanut Butter Solution" (1985) *Polite, Canadian hair'em scare'em. A kid gets a strange fright. His hair falls out like Uncle Fester. Two ghosts convince the kid to spread mudpie on his scalp. The kid turns into Cousin It. Then, the kids, in town, all get abducted by the Frenchy former art teacher and he puts them to work in a sweat shop making brushes out of the kid's long hair so that Frenchy can paint magical paintings of his dog.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper presents Stephen King's "Salem's Lot" *The sweetest singing and a feeling like drowning* 3 stars

rifftrax riffs "It's like Rob Schneider's "The Animal," only this is a comedy." & Richard Stanley(sort of), John Frankenheimer, Stan Winston, and H.G. Wells(sort of) present "The Island of Dr. Moreau" *Distractingly bizarre / defiant / spaced out / aloof / odd for odd's sake are Brando and Kilmer. Their enemy is not the cruel repression of a species, but instead the art of filmmaking as they figuratively fling thespian poo like dramatic monkeys at the zoo.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Cowboy Bebop "Asteroid Blues" *Coyote, with red eye, on the run to mars. A couple of bounty hunters looking for beef.* 3 stars

The Galaxy Invader (1985) *"The greatest scientific discovery, of the century, gets lasso'd by rednecks."* 2 stars

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 *Crucified to the supper table. "There's roadkill all over Texas." A subpar, but still somewhat sinister, Sawyer family portrayal.* 2 stars

Hammer Films "The Curse of Frankenstein" starring Peter Cushing as the Baron Frankenstein & Christopher Lee as the monster *Cushing's descent into madness is mesmerizing.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker "Demon In Lace" *Co-ed blueballs and the stench of brimstone* 3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Trouble Down Below" ---xxx--- (1981) *Warning! This is not a daring expose' on downstairs mixups. It's instead the slow-hell of having to stare at the shriveled coin purses of men from the era of Ron Burgundy.* 2 stars

Victor Salva's "Clownhouse" *The director is a perv for little boys, Sam Rockwell bullies his two younger brothers, and three escaped mental patients stalk about in the shadows.* 3 stars

New World Pictures "Saturday, the 14th" (1981) *Arrested development in Eerie P.A., where you can't piss on hospitality, the necronomicon,or an electric can opener.* 2 1/2 stars

"Student Bodies" (1981) *Psycho-sexual-slap-stick* 3 stars

"The Kindred" (1987) *Aquatic hybrid sibling. A forgotten special fx gem.* 3 stars

"Queen of Blood" (1966) starring Dennis Hopper & John Saxon-- *She has glowing eyes, green skin, a beehive hair-do, and likes to slurp spacemen as if they were Hi-C.* 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Reform School Girls" (1986) *Trashy twats terrorizing troubled tarts.* 3 stars

"Don't Go In The House" (1980) *There are no haunted places, only haunted people. Yet another Ed Gein, this one with a dragon in his guilty belly, 'cause mama tried to purify "his evil" using flame.* 3 stars

--- Joe Bob's Hollywood Halloween (1999)

in search of The Nair Witch segments

and the feature movie Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm" (1979)

*Here we have an outdated skit comedy about a late 90s found footage horror movie, and the braintrust at TNT's moronic attempts to turn Monstervision into Three's Company with Joe Bob hanging out with two babes in the Hollywood hills.

He gets to talk about the movie, a little bit, but not enough.

The TNT censors also butcher some of the great gore special fx, but the eerie setting and story still holds up as classic.

A story about a boy who should be dealing with coming of age problems instead of morbid things like the loss surrounding death.*

1 1/2 stars for the Nair Witch garbage

2 1/2 stars for the censored version of Phantasm as it's sandwiched between all of that

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Walking Dead: "No Sanctuary" *No Safeway, either, and very little humanity, but they've got a people Piggly Wiggly, or maybe it's a Publix, these cannibals are rather new age in attitude.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Variations and Relations" *sonnets and soirees* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "PK Tech Girl" *Ghost-ship grievances, goading smokescreen, attracting polarities, fireball spitting frog fiends.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Virtual Future" *Lawnmower Man computer program wiz, Josh Brolin, gets caught up in his corrupt boss' (David Warner) Dead Zone political run.* 2 stars

Dario Argento's "Creepers" (1985) *"Fate... up against your will..." It also doesn't hurt to have telepathic control over insects and a chimpanzee backup.* 3 stars

"Skin Games" (1985) ---xxx--- appearance by Peter North *A lotta lovemaking. Not a lotta creativity or allure.* 1 1/2 stars

The Nether Horror Collection (1996) ------------------------------------

"The Bitch Is Back" *A man has a bloody tussle with his movie quoting, maniacal blowup doll. Though, a guy with an Alien 3 poster on his bedroom door kind of deserves what's coming to him.* 2 stars

"Burp" *A hooker and a business man have a bad night on the surreal streets of some European city.* 2 stars

"The Prodigal Son" *A gigolo gets purchased for a golden girl mom who sucks and bites his nipple off. Then, all hell breaks loose when the jealous brother shows up.* 3 stars

"Pick Nick" *A man tries to trick a nagging blind woman to get out of the car at a lion preserve.* 2 1/2 stars

"Zombi Orignale" *"The statue needs blood, human blood, or else the gates of hell will open and the dead will rise." Great, little homage to Night of the Living Dead and the king of gore, Lucio Fulci, too.* 3 stars

"La Mouche" *Plodding, and plodding some more, man versus fly.* 1/2 a star despite ok end

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre" *A nerdy Colonel Sanders finger licks a guitar while some youth and a critter-esque muppet get depraved.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre 2: The Resurrection" *Bloody guitar player rises from the grave to rock out, once more.* 2 stars

"Inkt" *A Victorian lifelong fear/obsession with squid leads to time spent in a watery and nightmarish asylum.* 2 1/2 stars

"Visire" *Black & white short about grey, dreary European city life where the maggot covered dead body of your upstairs neighbor falls onto your bowl of cereal as you try to watch Looney Tunes.* 2 stars

"Bloody Mary" *Big, bald bully bothers a barmaid before getting a bloody boo boo and blacking out, bringing the barmaid to bare her fangs.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Transformers: Transport to Oblivion *Megatron's hard ticket to Cybertron* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents "Project Metal-Beast" *Corrupt and crazy CIA man thaws his old werewolf buddy out of storage so that some young military scientists can have an ethical dilemma hissyfit over sewing patchwork synthetic, so-called indestructible skin all over him, when he's not gnawing on them.* 2 stars

Sundown, The Vampire in Retreat (Shouldn't it be Sunup?) featuring M. Emmett Walsh, George 'Buck' Flower, Bruce Campbell, & David Carradine *A family goes on a trip to a sleepy, desert town where the dad is helping set up a Snapple-esque blood substitute plant for the incognito vampire town residents who have given up their gruesome ways, for the most part, and are living a gentle life behind sunscreen, umbrellas, big floppy hats & sunglasses. There's also a hokey deal about Dracula getting forgiveness from Jesus, a group of dissident cave cowboy vampires, and a Straw Dog love triangle between the husband, the wife, and an old friend who has gone over to the darkside.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Space Raiders" (1983) *Little Anikin Menace Phone Home Alone* 1 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Harvest of Doom" *Snakes, on a train, delivering poppies to the wizard, and a swamp girl, Huck Finn, who wants the train as her own personal playset.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Living Hell" *A drifter, and all around nice guy, with a scarred past, becomes a gunshot, to the head, victim. He receives a revolutionary brain chip that saves his life, but also allows visions from the mind of a serial killer who has the same kind of bug in his head. The nice guy's sympathetic, and beautiful, brain surgeon helps him as he deals with the gruesome visions and they try to stop the killer.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: "Stray Dog Strut" *Give him the once over, twice, and get enough for duck. Bumbling a bounty, but scoring a sought after puppy stuffed with precious data.* 2 1/2 stars

"Ghostwatch" (1992) *BBC mockumentary about a live, Halloween night paranormal investigation at a suburban home in London. The two girls and mother do a believable job, some of the reporters make it a little more silly than it should be, but maybe that works to the advantage of making the viewer comfortable and then disturbing them. The comments on having created a social t.v. seance and having other viewers and the studio experience outlandishly spooky events might have been a little over the top, but all in all very entertaining.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: "Awakening" *Betrayed, a millenium ago, by the humans they were sworn to protect, a group of winged beasts awake from a rocky slumber in pre-9-11 NYC. A ponytailed, shady and extremely wealthy CEO hopes to use their battle skills to wage corporate espionage from high atop a castle above the largest skyscraper in the city. Realizing the trickery, the leader, of the gargoyles, Goliath, severs ties with an old love who is showing too much of a demonic side like the human who awakened them and attempted to exploit them. The gargoyles don't lose complete love for humanity, however, as many of them find that they love modern city life and Goliath catches urban fever from a saucy, lady detective, friend. The show has a similar moody, gorgeous, compelling style as Batman: The Animated Series.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Angel Boy" *A dorky dad becomes eeriely enamored with a fairylike neighbor boy's Lady Gaga wannabe avant garde singing. So much so that he surprises his own aggressive whiteboy monstertruck driving son with a special musical performance of Angel Boy at a pool party for bitches and bros. They of course begin to haze Angel Boy, to the idiotic shock of the dad, and make him face his worst fear, water, when they toss him into the pool. He boils like a mogwai, for a moment, and then rises above the pool, in the air, and makes a demonic pitch of sound that causes everyone to shit their pants. Aside from the painfully non-humor music video moment, the story sticks to the point and manages to poke fun at people in Tim & Eric's unique and sort of spot on way.* 2 1/2 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army" *It comes down to the imaginative creatures being more interesting than the dark elf plot to unleash tin man terminators on the world.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "That Old Black Magic" *An evil being savors suffering and is willing to make you feel shitty in order to get his own star destroyer spaceship.* 3 stars

Martin Landau, Ruth Buzzi, and Jose Ferrer in "The Being" *Dazed & Confused town is more concerned with selling potatoes and stopping so-called smut than they are the toxic waste dump that's spawning gooey cyclops menaces.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Revenge of the Cybermen" *Metal Slug induced "plague", dastardly double agent, satellite collision course, moon-planet of gold, human detonators for the biggest explosion in the solar system, generational power struggle, Tin Man Butcherers with a 14 karrot Achilles' heel.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Mindok, The Mind Menace" *Doctor-Doom-esque villain's brain refuses to die, so he seeks out frozen scientists from the 20th century to help build a giant robotic body to house his vile intellect. Our boneheaded hero, his even more boneheaded bigfoot friend, and the only smart one, the sorceress, try to free the scientists and stop Mindok. The awkward line delivery and odd moments of animation make this show unintentionally hilarious, often.* 2 1/2 stars

"Spookies" (1986) *Farting mummies killed by red wine, 13 year old boy who gets a surprise birthday party at a haunted mansion and then buried in a shallow grave by a werewolf, Jersey Shore couple victims, Grim Reaper that explodes when it falls off the 2 story roof, graveyard full of groping zombies (no flesh eating), Aleister Crowley type who is playing a big game of chess with victims for a brought back from the dead bride who never loved him, wolfboy with a hook for a hand, girlfriend possessed by demon, dorky mustache guy with puppet who gets the life, literally, sucked out of him by an Asian spiderlady, British prude lady who controls her boyfriend and they both get eaten by creatures from the black lagoon big & small. Some okay gooey special fx creatures and makeup mixed in with some cheap and crappy Halloween makeup on ghouls and an unfocused story/climax/ending that felt like they didn't know what to do and just gave up.* 2 stars

"Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy" --------------------

*Nightmare 1: Smug filmmakers think they're above the slasher genre. Bob Shea is responsible for the great 'gotcha' ending.

Freddy's Revenge: It's realized how important Englund is. Actors, screenwriter, production crew look back fondly on the silliness and gay over/under tones.

Dream Warriors: The boy actors crush on Patricia Arquette. The director is manic and jerkish about making a bold production.

Dream Master: Everyone disappointed Arquette doesn't return. Viking director takes Freddy into MTV pop culture direction. Freddy is now mainstream. We, the public, felt it.

Dream Child: Bug eyed kid actor would make a great Golum in LOTR. Fresh influences help series, including splatterpunk writers and visionary KNB special fx guys.

Freddy's Dead: Hack director gets praise for over the top looney tunes crap filmmaking. Publicity stunts help New Line and the director con people into thinking it's bye bye.

New Nightmare: Wes Craven returns to take the movie in a meta as meta can get direction. More smugness and even more Heather Lagenkampf. She's no Jamie Lee or Sigourney.

Freddy vs. Jason: In gestation for years. Many scripts. A director who didn't like the characters. An ending no one can decide on. Test audiences. Apologies. It's no Frankenstein vs. The Wolfman.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Barbara Hershey in "The Entity" (1980) *Psychologists are stuffy foggies puffing pipes. Parapsychologists are vibrant, videoage pioneers. Hysterical, lonely women with child abuse / unwanted motherhood regret invent undefinable, unstopabble forces of nature to avert dealing with menopausal personal crisis, or do they?* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Monsters Among Us" *Paints with very broad strokes and overacting and power guitar performances in the wrong era. It's not as garish and actually shocking like Tod Browning's 'Freaks.' It's not moody and timeless like 'Carnivale.' It's not compelling like 'Fur: A Portrait of Diane Arbus.' And it's not truly weird like Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely." It's a cliche killer clown, here, a fornicating lobster boy, there, and more uninterestingly freakish characters aside from the cgi siamese twin and the overbearing cabaret leader.* 2 stars

Town of the Living Dead: "Zombie Karate" *It's hard to tell whether these characters are a creation of the show's production or if these smalltown, extremely passionate moviemakers are really this stupid and odd.* 1 1/2 stars

"Motel Hell" (1980) *"It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters." Those fritters include hippy bandmates, nosey health inspector, and kinky husband & wife swingers to name a few. "Meat is meat, and people gotta eat."... in this Jimmy Dean smokehouse massacre.* 3 stars

"Basket Case 2" (1990) *The Times Square Freak Twins flee to Staten Island where they find sanctuary with a Nightbreed Muppet Babies group lead by a loving granny. They're hounded by a weekly world news type tabloid reporter and both find out how tragic love and acceptance can be.* 3 stars

---- "The Willies" (1990)

*Sean Astin (LOTR & Rudy) is on a backyard campout, with his cousins, telling kid-friendly tales of terror. One tale is about a piggy lady who finds a fried rat in her KFC.

Another tale is about an old man who dies on a haunted house ride at the carnival.

Then there's the tale of the the monster who wears a janitor's skin and eats elementary school bullies who have mullets and wear iron maiden t-shirts along with pinch faced teachers, but he spares the picked on nerds who pee their pants.

The final tale is about a live action Eric Cartman. Gordy Belcher (Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts) gets twisted pleasure from the misfortune of others and stealing whatever he wants to the point of everyone in town, even his parents, disliking him. He also is methodical in his perverse obsession with flies. He experiments with them, like a god or mad scientist. The Weird Science comic covers taped to his bedroom wall reflect his personality. He has more problems than suspension from school, and punishment from his parents, when he ticks off a crazy farmer who has came up with a smelly solution to get rid of Gordy for good.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

---- "Fear No Evil" (1981)

*The pubescent Prince of Darkness mopes around, like the lead singer of Bauhaus, at his 1980s highschool where there's always MTV rock music playing, like The Ramones.

He's picked on in homo-erotic ways by the school's John Travolta look-a-act a-like, and they share a homo-erotic-satanic kiss in the showers.

He's a straight A student, accepted into every ivy league college imaginable, but his presence, since his botched baptism, has put his folks into a deep depression as they walk around like shells of human beings- in a decrepit, falling apart house they no longer tend to.

The dad just drinks and tells people, at the bar, that his son is the devil.

They laugh him off and say there's is too.

The prince tries to mind rape a girl he's obssessed with and ends up causing the stereotypical crazy gym teacher to kill her boyfriend with a dodgeball.

The girl goes into mourning and finds out she's one of three reincarnated angels sent to stop Satan.

The prince goes all Caligula on his town during a Jesus play and the low budget horror fx begin, including a hilarious scene where he gives Travolta guy breasts, playing off a joke/dare Travolta kid teased Satan kid with earlier when he wouldn't share a homo-erotic puff puff pass pot joint with him.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cowboy Bebop: "Honky Tonk Women" *The giant roulette wheel in the upper atmosphere.* 3 stars

Transformers: "Roll For It" *(with enthusiasm) "It's time to create anti-matter!" Megatron, again, comes close to causing himself to become permanent, 'instant junk.'* 3 stars

Dino De Laurentiis presents Stephen King's "Cat's Eyes" *This cat really got around in the 80s. In the 90s, not so much. But man, the 80s... if it went down, the cat was somewhere lurking about. Lionel Richie walking on the ceiling, the cat was down on the floor saving Billy Ocean's breath, while he was napping, and being the inspiration for 'Get Out of My Dreams, Get into My car.' The night that the Elephant Man's bones came alive and attacked Liz Taylor because Michael accidentally let her get drunk and do witchcraft, the cat was there to save the day. The only time that the cat ever did wrong was when he watched a guy drown, and didn't lend a hand, luckily Phil Collins was there to witness it, and shame the cat, later, in song.* 3 stars

"Pulse" (1988) *Tense horror thriller where phenomena thrives in the disbelief it allows in some and the despair it causes in others. Set in the 1980s revival of the love for modern, electrical conveniences and the fact that there might be some sinister force dwelling on the edges of that lifestyle. Added twitch of the personal drama of how distance and divorce does disrepair to developmental years, for a child, if not dealt with in a down to earth and off the grid manner.* 3 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Raiders of the Abyss" *It's death from above as foul, shriveled monks on massive mutated bats pluck stranded passengers off of an ancient cruiseliner impaled sideways on a sharp mountain. The flying mouse brigade wanna sniff the life out of the captured, like a glade plug in, so's they can be young again. Thundarr, and his trusty wookie, are willing to blindly ride their horses off any chasm to save a fellow hugh-man, but the sorceress is wise enough to use logic and light bridges to make plausible path, and risks her skin- more than once- to save the day.* 3 stars

"The Midnight Hour" (1985) *For a town with a lynching past, 1985 seemed pretty light-hearted and accepting. How can you not like a movie with Thriller style dance numbers, Kurtwood Smith as the sheriff, Wolfman Jack as the disc jockey, LaVar Burton as a horny teenager, and an earth angel style ghost romance that saves Halloween from a vampire herpes outbreak?* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: "Strangers" *How many times has this happened, on the show,... our heroes regroup after a highly tense battle, divisive and long drawn out disputes are settled with a pat on the back and words of understanding, it's decided that a supply run is once again needed, a handful of zombies stand in the way and are quickly/watchoutohno/easily dispatched, someone in the group feels angsty, anxiety & mistrust settles back in during a comfortable moment, the show ends on a cliffhanger? We come back the next week, like the suckers we are...* 2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 4: All Musical Edition *"In a room with no windows, in the corner, I found truth."* 2 stars

Z Nation: "Fracking Zombies" *Post-zombie tech support outsourced to the polar ice caps. Zombie sled dogs in the snow. Sons of Anarchy Sex slave ring? Zombie oil spill. Zombie boredom game of 'Go Fish.' Zombie s.u.v. leering hissyfit. Z nation satellite surveillance spots a rare telephone booth. Zeriously, zthough, DJ Qualls lonely and wanting a puppy pulls at my heart strings more than Rick & Carl have in a while.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Supernaturals" (1986) *A platoon of privates, stranded in the deep south wilderness, encounter some undead rebel soldiers and a resurrected civil war army mother/widow. The hundred plus year old son has been keeping dear old mom alive since a group of yanks caused her death during cruel torture/execution at a confederate minefield. Our hero, one of the army privates, has to convince the son (who he might actually be the father of in a past life) to stop using his supernatural powers to keep these old war wounds open.* 2 1/2 stars

"Lady in White" *Charmingly crafted tale of a writer who returns to his smalltown where, during his childhood, a Halloween prank puts him on the path of ghosts, and a child murderer, set against the backdrop of a quirky schoolroom, a quirky Italian family with sweet & silly grandparents, and the issues of race during the early days of the civil rights movement.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Summer of Fear" aka "Stranger In Our House" a Wes Craven tv movie (1978) *An Ozark Mountains witch poses as a distant cousin so that she can spellcast her way into the top spot in a California ranch home and ruin the teenage life of the family's spunky, horse-lovin' daughter. The Poison Ivy plot can be forgiven, for it was fresh at the time, but some of the silly moments like the notion that a witch can't be photographed, and that the dad doesn't remember the entire week where he was cheating on mom, with the witch, are harder to not criticize.* 2 1/2 stars

"In Search of the Wild Beaver" ---xxx--- (1986) *College buddies devise a plan to fur-trap some girl game and pop their poindexter friend's cherry so that he'll let them take his winnebago on a raunchy roadtrip.* 2 stars

"Taking Tiger Mountain" (1983) *Feminist fascist scientists chemically castrate, sexually re-engineer, and generally just mind fuck typically horny young males, like Bill Paxton's character, in order to experiment in the balancing of the sexes. When they're royally screwed up, they send these fuck fixated fellas out into the world as sleeper agent assassins against the femi-nazi's political enemies. Europe is full of North American expatriates, due to a state of post-apocalyptic chaos west of the atlantic. We hear this on a constant radio broadcast in our head. Europe isn't much better as radicals try to overthrow the patriarchy and groups of young people are auctioned off in prostitution meat markets. Aesthetically more of a filmschool artfilm than a surreal masterpiece like Cronenberg's "Naked Lunch."* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Treasure of the Moks" *River-Queen pirate raids the village of legendary rich Wookies using salvaged torpedos from a Naval graveyard. She's sitting pretty on the deck of a battleship nailed to a raft of logs. Her crew looks like casino drunks or adam west batman's penguin henchmen with their navy frog suits with skull and crossbones on the front. She's more of a villainess fashion victim with a men's necktie substituting for a pirate's bandana. On a serious note, this episode is great because it's the first time we see actual human beings as the greedy, dangerous ones in this post-apocalypse instead of the usual mutant creature, sub-species, or inhuman tech or magic entity.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Terror of the Zygons" *Loch Nessie in a fetching scarf floating up the Thames.* 3 stars

42nd Street Forever Vol 2: Grindhouse Exploitation Trailers *Fast rides, wild teens, hot women, hard edged bruthas, controversial facts of life, unspeakable creatures, inhuman terrors, horrors of science, rowdy rednecks, energetic espionage, sword and sandal, roller disco.* 3 stars

The State "43rd Annual" All-Star Halloween Special on CBS (1995) *MTV's The State get subversive on network tv with stunts like coming out to an opening musical number through the legs of hanged men, having a well adjusted kid smoke a joint, for the first time, and take a police station hostage, and showing soldiers holding a dying squad mate and being uncomfortable with his last wish for them to tell him they love him because it would be gay and ending the skit with the soldiers 'making out' over the dead soldier's body.* 3 stars

Night Stand: Death in the Trailer Park aka Homicide in a Double-Wide *Billy Ray Jim Dick's mama is still sore at her slut daughter in law for hitching up with two-ton tubbie trailer salesman after her son's tragic truck accident. Surprise, though, Billy Ray faked his death and is now a Joan instead of a Jim. Night Stand, a great parody of Jerry Springer.* 3 stars

Disney's DTV Monster Hits (10-30-87) --------------------

*Electric Light Orchestra's 'Evil Woman' plays over a montage of Disney villainesses,

awesome 80s Pepsi & Burger King commercials -one with the Miami Sound Machine,

Donald Duck delivers a package to an unlucky address as Stevie Wonder's 'Very Superstitious' plays,

Pat Benatar's 'You Better Run' plays as Snow White flees for her life into the forest,

Spike Jones' 'That Old Black Magic' plays during some of Mickey & friends more mystical moments,

Hershey's Bar-None candybar commercial about satisfying the hungry beast,

Michael Landon promises new surprises in this upcoming season of 'Highway to Heaven,'

Daryl Hall's 'Dreamtime' plays along with gorgeous hand-drawn classic Disney animation,

"Heffalumps and Woozles" for Winnie the Pooh,

Ronald & Grimace in the story of Cosmic- a cheeseburger sharing lesson,

Golden Girls in the U.S.S.R. preview,

Annie Lennox sings 'Sweet Dreams' during a dream sequence,

all hosted by the Man in the Magic Mirror.*

3 stars

==============================================================

Halloween 666: The Curse of Michael Myers *Satanic cursed child cult, Tommy Doyle Rear Window style watcher, Laurie's daughter's baby, Dr. Loomis comes out of retirement, runes, Strode family strife.* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Tobe Hooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" *I had imagined Freddy being more cowardly in his life and not releshing in his own execution.* 2 1/2 stars

Frank Grillo in "The Purge: Anarchy" *A young Charles Bronson type takes by the hand and leads Fred Sanford's girls and a car trouble couple through a dream night for supporters of the NRA and players of GTA. Meanwhile, Chuck D & the Public Enemy try to lead a anti purge revolution that will not be televised.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Jasper Needs Zombies *The inept, bumbling director name drops Robert Rodriguez. The crazy investor lady has spent tens of thousands of dollars on a movie that was doomed to make nothing until SYFY stepped in. Six years of everyone involved wasting their time on a movie in a tired, oversaturated genre... I will give them credit for exploiting their crassness on cable as a way of maybe recouping some of what they've lost in this venture and gaining a coin or two of fame/shame.* 1 star

"The Simpsons Guy" *Long awaited crossover. Too bad SouthPark already pointed out how Bart's rebellious antics are nowhere near as sadistic as other cartoon bad boys in Cartoon Wars where Bart meets Cartman and too bad they wasted so much of the episode with the tired, uncomfortable Meg moments and the 'chicken fight' between Peter & Homer. I would have liked to seen more how Quahog and Springfield clashed in cultures and attitudes.* 2 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Toes" *Patients pay Dr. Bob Odenkirk to butcher their piggies. Detective M. Emmett Walsh sniffs around, making Dr. Bob uncomfortable, wanting to be his sailing buddy, but Emmett knows Bob's dark secret. He eats the toes.* 3 stars

Three Stooges Fright Night TBS Superstation (1992) --------------------

*Stop seeing things, before I gouge your eyes out. Go to sleep, before I murder you, ya sonambulist. - a few great quotes by Moe in this first 'Old Dark House' horror comedy.

Then there's a truly horrific commercial about a grown woman who was a botch aborted fetus at seven months.

Then an awesome commercial for Copolla's Dracula coming out the 13th of November.

Next is 'I Want My Mummy' about the curse of King Rooten Tooten, where the Stooges are Sherlock Holmes investigators who catch a cab from NY to Cairo to find a corpse of a midget and destroy his wife Hotsie Totsie.

Followed by 'Dopey with Dicks' (featuring Shemp) A mad scientist seeking a human brain for a mechanical man and maybe the first comedic mention of 'braaaaiiins' in a horror/comedy.

Lastly, it's 'Pests in a Mess' Stooges think they're trying to hide a stiff, they never bothered to look and see it was a mannequin, and wind up in a spooky cemetery where the scares literally cause the boys to jump out of their shoes.*

3 stars

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Swamp Thing: "The Emerald Heart" *A little boy with a questionable imagination gets to spend the Summer in the swamp, and meets the Swamp Thing. Yuppy douchebag mad scientist toys with his skanky girlfriend and moreso with a poor dwarf.* 2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Attack of the Amazon Women" *Han and Chewie get all sexist caught in the midst of a shark ridin', amphibian, estrogen civil war. Also a laser tentacles Kracken, a patriot missile trojan horse, & a lady-magic showdown.* 3 stars

Friday Night Videos (10-30-1987) hosted by Elvira special Halloween Edition ---------------------------

*Springsteen strumming alone in his kitchen, late at night.

Earth Wind & Fire show us innercity life in 'System of Survival' an awesome retro street video.

Cheesy lifesavers and scruples commercials where nerdy yuppies love & hangout.

White man blues Levis 501 blues.

Elvira answers (valley girl voice) "So Weiiird" fan letters from the likes of Madonna & Jon 'bulge in the pants' Bon Jovi.

REM sends one out to 'The One I Love.'

Phillip Morris wants to know if Elvira smokes after sex, Elvira doesn't know, she's never looked.

Tammy Faye Baker thinks Elivra exploits her body. Ha.

Then a flat busted girl wants Elvira's advice in dressing as her for Halloween, Elvira says to dress like Cher, only backwards.

Then the video for that cheesy love song from the end of 'Dirty Dancing' by Billy Medley and Jennifer Warren. Swayze crazy. These two singers must be really ugly, as they're kept in total shadow. Ha.

Jon Cryer is Hiding Out rated PG 13.

3D Toyota car for 1988.

Hershey's one of the all time greats, just ask Van Gogh and Mona Lisa.

Joe Montana knows about Nissan 'built for the human race' automobiles.

A pumpkin head helps sell us water & sofa beds.

Elvira teases us some more with her incredible legs and invites women to wear mattresses on their back, having one eye brow like brooke shields, and wearing a box on their head like Max Headroom.

Steve Winwood uses blurry 80s video editing to ask Valerie to 'Call on Me.'

Squeeze get all Renee Margarite artsy in 'Hourglass.'

Andrew McCarthy, Robert Downey Jr, and James Spader are 'Less Than Zero.'

Grab a stick, take a sniff, pull it out, on the ski slopes 'cause Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya.

"Hey, where did you learn about COMPUTERs?" response "In the Army." "

The Nighttime is the Right Time" to be with the one ya love and to drink Michelob, so tells us a bluesy beer commercial. Man, 80s yuppies loved them some white man's blues.

Elvira gives tips not tits... tips for a safe Halloween. No Smurfs covered sheets ghost costume, take trick instead of treat, and accept no candy apples that you can shave with.

U2 where the streets have no names but do have rooftop spastic Bono belting out a soaring anthem.

Whatzit? board game.

New fresher taste Baby Ruth for letter jacket wearers.

Claim to Fame the gameshow where kids, dressed as Freddy Kruger, juggle fire.

Elvira says not to give out 8 track Frampton or bakedbeans/sushi to trick or treaters, but Sony Walk-man instead.

'Blue Heaven is a Place on Earth' and Belinda Carlisle a dreamy chick on earth.

Cajun spiced Ruffle chips

and spoken word white guy Levi 501 blues.

Crocodile Dundee's buddies sell us Matilda Bay brew.

Flashdance esque advertisement for a hot Pontiac ride.

Stevie Wonder is in suburbia talkin' bout Skeletons in your Closet' and keepin' an eye on the scandalous goings on.

A chick with a Michael Jackson hat and huge earings wants more comfortable contacts.

Get a better butterfinger now.

Dreyfuss & Devito duel in a new comedy.

Not agent Dale Cooper must stop a female alien in The Hidden.

Elvira wraps it up for the Halloween weenies.*

3 stars

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The CW's "The Reaper" unaired pilot *A slacker gets special powers, from Satan, on his 21st birthday because his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. The guy has to go around with a mini-vac and suck up escaped souls and send them back to the pits. The devil turns out to be a decent mentor for the guy to get his life back together. Along with his new Jedi powers and his Tucker & Dale versus Evil buddy, he's able to snare a firebug. This show is like a cross between the teen horror comedy Idle Hands and the S-Mart stuff from Evil Dead.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs special guest Chucky from Bride of Chucky "The Gate" *Before Steven Dwarf stunted his size by smoking, he was listening to Satanic rock and summoning Stygian, synchronized- shape-shifting shorties and having to stop them from summoning their Set-like snake-god via a second sacrifice* 2 stars

American Horror Story: Murder House episode 1 *Filthy horror show. Haunted victorian house, 1970s horror vibe, screwed up characters. my curiousity is peaked.* 3 stars

South Park: The Cissy *Cartman finds a new, controversial scheme to exploit a civic issue, and this time Randy, through his strangeness,brings everyone together, uninentionally, to throw a wrench in Eric's plans. This show needs to quit following the same pattern, though, I appreciate the mentions to recent episode events. It gives the show a touch of continuity.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Philly Feast *Trailer trash cannibal cult use whores to lure unlucky men to the meat freezer. The Liberty Bell rolls down the streets of the City of Brotherly Love smashing zombies.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Full Metal Zombie *Amish Zombies, Romero mentioned (interesting self aware moment. Has it been done before, in a zombie show/movie?), zombies liking to eat brains mentioned (hmmm, kind of dumb self aware moment), toilet paper rationing moment (ha), carjacked by phony zombies, nice family carjacks phony zombie carjackers and then violently executes them, nice family (including kids) get eaten (wow, TWD wouldn't show a kid getting eaten), using a fast food drive thru to talk to DJ Qualls *Citizen Z* in his igloo, old hippie shotguns pot with a zombie, horror icon Bill Moseley as a crazy army official with a ridiculously over the top death, giant zombie chokehold, only one moment where they seem to really rip off TWD in where they mistake the old man as a zombie like Rick's group almost shot and killed Daryl after his bloody zombie walk.* 2 1/2 stars

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