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one-leaf-grimoire · 4 years

Text

“triad”

Chapter 4: the three votes

AKA the main character manipulates men into doing what she wants.

Link to the full Ao3 work

Three votes.

Three votes, that's all I need.

Yes, the threshold I need to win is actually five votes. But once two of those votes swing my way, the others will follow. Well, maybe I just need two votes now. The one that was withheld last round and one from the pair of rivals.

Fuegoleon and Nozel... to gain both of their votes, I just need to convince one.

My grandparents once told me that the foundation of every Dyad is a strong relationship. It can be that between a husband and wife; lovers; maybe two best friends. But the most interesting yet volatile Dyads came from those formed from two rivals. Admittedly, it's been a long time since I had a true rival. Back when I was a kid, I mentally competed with Horatio. He was strong and powerful, at least for a commoner, and I wanted nothing more than to beat him. But that seems like a lifetime ago. Several lifetimes. I hardly recognize the girl I was back then, as if she's a stranger or just someone I made up in my own head.

The point is... the rivalry between Fuegoleon and Nozel is something I've never fully understood. They push each other to get better in the hopes of one day beating the other to the throne, but the understanding between them was that, at the very least, one of them was worthy of it. And no one else.

Not even me.

So...

In order to defeat them, I have to destroy it. Their rivalry. I'll crush it with everything I can muster. I'm sorry... but I can't let you stand in my way.

I walk for a long time, formulating my plan, until I make my decision. First, I'll go to Fuegoleon. Then, to Nozel. And finally... to William.

William...

My plan to get his vote is not solid. It relies completely on my ability to pull at the well of shame and guilt I know is building inside him.

... I'm sorry.

"Hey, Fuego~"

I find Fuegoleon leaning on the edge of a window, staring down at the city below. He turns quickly at the sound of my voice, and his eyes widen slightly as I approach. However, he can't help the small smile that etches itself on his lips. "Oh... hello." He straightens up, letting go of the edge. "If nothing else, you're surprising us all today."

"What? That sounds like an insult," I tease, walking up next to him and looking out as well. The city is busy with repairs, people moving around the streets like little ants. It's a view I'm used to, one I've known for almost 7 years now. "And surprises are good, right?"

Fuegoleon shrugs, his gaze following mine down to the city. "I suppose..."

We sit there for a long time in silence, just staring out at the Kingdom that one of us will rule by the end of today.

"...Fuegoleon?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember... that time you got turned into a frog?"

Fuegoleon's jaw drops and he makes a surprised noise. It comes out in a choked CROAK, and I can't help but burst out laughing at it. "Wow, I guess old habits die hard!"

"What?! Ah- AHEM!" Fuegoleon blushes as he clears his throat, but the sound of my laugh ensures that his smile stays on his face. "Yes, yes, I remember... although I'd like to forget." He lets out a soft chuckle. "That was so long ago..."

"Yeah, it really was." I shake my head a bit at the memory. "Back before you were captain and I was an advisor. Back when..."

I don't really know what I want to say. Back when things were simple? Before I was disgraced? Back when Julius was alive?

Back when Julius was alive... that wasn't even a week ago.

"I know today has been a big surprise. I know you never expected me to throw my hat into the ring. I guess I'm sorry about that..." I sigh, closing my eyes, the fleeting joy of the last few moments already ebbing away.

Fuegoleon draws in a heavy breath. He's tired, I can feel it, every bone in his body aching and his mind reeling to just stay awake. He woke up from a coma just a few days ago, after all, and has been on his feet ever since. It must have been scary and confusing to wake up in the midst of such a ferocious battle, but he got everything under control at his base and went on to fight inside the shadow palace. At his core, Fuegoleon is a leader, someone strong who can be looked up to and followed without question. I was proud to call him my comrade and captain.

I know in my heart that he would be a great Wizard King. Maybe it's selfish to take it away from him. But I have to.

I promised.

"Don't apologize. I can't pretend I'm not surprised... and a little confused." Fuegoleon glances over at me out of the corner of his eye. "You really haven't been planning this for a while?"

"No, not at all! Do I seem prepared?" I shoot him a little grin to keep things light. "But what is it you're confused about? I thought I made a pretty good case for myself-"

"You did, you did!" Fuegoleon, to my surprise, cuts me off. I look up to see him facing me, smiling despite the challenge I've created for him. "It was a very good case, too."

I raise an eyebrow. "Oh? You don't sound like someone that determined to become Wizard King."

Fuegoleon snorts. "No, no, I am... But just because I'm determined, doesn't mean I can't recognize those with worth of your own." I blink, a little confused, as he closes his eyes and smiles. "I think... you would make a fine Wizard King."

He lets the statement hang in the air for a moment before opening his eyes again, his expression turning grim again.

"But, the case you made today... those were just reasons why we should want you to be Wizard King. What I really want to know..."

He narrows his eyes.

"Why do you want to be Wizard King?"

...

I made a promise. I want to continue Julius's legacy. I deserve it. I've worked harder than anyone else. Spite. I want to be the first commoner to do it.

I want to be Wizard King... because I WANT to be Wizard King.

About thirty different reasons flash through my mind at once, blurring and blending into each other all at once. It takes me by surprise, the sudden animosity that wells up in response to the question, like a flame being fed by air... before suddenly sputtering out into nothing.

"...I..."

I feel Fuegoleon's hand on my shoulder, squeezing for a moment. "I meant what I said. I think you would be amazing. You're strong, confident, and people follow you. You're probably more powerful than any of us. And you carry Julius's soul in your own. But..." He lets go. "I don't want you to do this because you think you're expected to. That's too much pressure to bear."

Fuegoleon turns away, starting to walk off down the hallway to leave me alone again.

... I can't give up...

I ball up my fist, and my prior conversation with Marx and Yami.

"I don't think you should keep acting like nothing happened. It has to hurt... right?"

"... too much to bear?"

He pauses at the sound of my voice, which is wavering dangerously on the edge of a void. Slowly, he turns around to still see me staring out the window. My eyes feel hot and wet, but I don't let even a single drop of emotion escape. Sucking in a shaky breath, I finally look up at him, and I see his facade drop.

Look at me... see me. See what I want you to see.

"Do you have any idea... how much pain I'm in right now?"

Fuegoleon's eyes widen, his mouth opening as he realizes what he's done.

He made me cry. Me, the girl who never cries, is letting my eyes tear up in front of him. It's a vulnerability I don't dare show to people, except for those closest to me. Marx, my father, and Julius... I can count the number of people who've seen me cry on one hand. And now, Fuegoleon thinks that he's added himself to that list.

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-"

He steps forward, his non-fire hand reaching out to comfort me, put I pull away before he can touch me. I cover my face, drawing in one long, shallow breath.

"It hurts, Fuegoleon... It's the worst I've ever felt in my life. Everything I ever wanted is gone. Julius..." I gulp thickly, squeezing my eyes shut. "He's gone!"

With each word I speak, I fly closer and closer to the sun. If I fly too far, I'll burn up and fall back down into that dark, deep emptiness.

That emptiness... it engulfs this whole world. It is the world without him.

Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Just speak.

"I'm sorry..." Fuegoleon has no idea what to do, and he's panicking just like I predicted. He steps to my side, then to the other once I turn away again and again, avoiding his gaze. "I-I didn't mean to upset you-"

"It's not you! Don't you get it!" Finally, I let my voice raise, just a little, which silences him again. I let my hands drop to my sides as I look back up at his horrified face. The tears streak down my cheeks now. "I can't make you understand. You and your rivalry... you wouldn't, would you? You don't know what it's like to lose."

Fuegoleon opens his mouth, but he can't possibly have a good response to that. I sniff deliberately, reaching up and starting to wipe off my face.

"I loved him with everything I had... and now I have to replace him, or this void..."

One of my hands clutches my chest, right over my heart.

Yes, it does hurt... but I can't think about it.

I close my eyes for a long moment, and when I open them, they're empty.

"The only think I can replace him with is the Kingdom. I want to be Wizard King, because I want to love something like that again."

The hand outreached to me finally falls, and forms a fist by Fuegoleon's side.

He's making his decision.

The first tightens.

Fuegoleon...

And finally, he lets it relax. His shoulders slump.

He's been defeated. A few tears, a crying friend... and a sincere statement. That's all it took.

You revealed your own weakness. You let yourself consider another option, other than yourself and Nozel. You considered me. And once I came up with my reason...

You can't refuse this last request from a friend, can you?

I'm sorry.

"...I see."

Fuegoleon's voice is soft.

"I... I'll see you back in the conference room. Let me know if you need anything."

"...thank you."

I keep staring at the ground until his footsteps fade out of earshot, and then finally look up at the empty hallway. I reach up and wipe away the lingering moisture, wondering how much of it was real.

Wow... I really am the worst, aren't I?

For a brief moment, I started to fall. The emptiness threatened to consume me. I know it's inevitable at this point, and before long I'll have to get it out of my system, but I don't have that luxury right now. I just have to tough it out until this day is over.

On that subject, there's just one more person to see, now that I basically have Fuegoleon wrapped around my finger. With that one conversation, I'm certain that I've secured two votes. Fuegoleon votes first, and once Nozel sees that his rival has given up...

It's mine. But not yet.

William.

I find him standing by himself outside the conference room. He looks up once he hears my footsteps, giving me a little smile. "...hello."

"Hey." I give him a smile before leaning on the wall next to him. "Are you waiting for everyone to come back?"

"Yeah." He nods slowly, his gaze meeting mine for just a moment before dropping to the ground. Ah. This is going to be hard. It's no secret that, despite what I told him on the night of the attack, William is drowning in guilt. He almost single-handedly destroyed the kingdom, but against me, personally... he committed a crime he'll never forgive himself for.

It's that guilt that I'm betting on now.

"I guess I have the easiest decision... I'm abstaining again." William's eyes close, their lavender shades hidden from my view.

His eyes...

Julius had eyes just like that, too.

"I don't want you to feel like this is a vote against you, though," William turns to me, suddenly very concerned about this point, almost frantic. "I mean- I just feel like-" He starts to stumble. "I think you would be great-" Gee, like I haven't heard that before! "-I just..."

For a brief moment, William looks like he's about to cry.

"I think I gave up my right to vote... when I let Patri kill Julius."

He winces at the sound of his own words, but they bounce right off my skin.

Oh... oh William...

Just like Fuegoleon, William has revealed his weakness.

"That's not true."

With every ounce of strength I have, I extinguish anything warm I feel towards this man.

He just made a mistake. Don't do it, please... It wasn't his fault.

It's just for a moment... but the light extinguishes.

"William..."

His eyes meet mine. There's a flash of fear as he beholds the cold emptiness within them.

"You gave up your right to be silent when you let Patri kill Julius."

Confusion mixes with the fear. "...huh-"

"William. I told you before-" I hold up my hand and point at him accusingly.

"If you want me to forgive you, you'll need to help me. And right now..."

Despite the bitter regret that taints each word I say to my old friend, I smile.

"I need your vote. So... vote for me."

Vote for me.

I say it like I normally would, as if I was just asking a favor of a good friend. Which, in the end, that's all I'm doing. But there's a weight stringed against my words, a weight that drags behind both William and I. If he knows what's going on here, he can't do anything to resist. Because, I have the one thing he wants most: my forgiveness. He doesn't know that I've already given it to him. I'm not stupid- I know that there were otherworldly forces at work, beyond even Patri's command. Patri's hands held the sword, but the Devil was the one who struck down Julius in the end. However...

It doesn't matter if I've already forgiven William; He has no idea if I have. So I'll withhold it until he does what I want.

"I'm going inside... see you soon, William."

His lavender eyes follow me silently as I walk away, the door slamming closed behind me.

And now... it's time to see if my bet pays off.

The final vote occurs and MC/Lisa finds herself at the center of a trial once again... but this time, she has something to say. Next time, chapter 5: the payoff.

#triad #fic #oc: lisa #this was kind of hard to write #when your goal outweighs your friendships aha

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douchebagbrainwaves · 5 years

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YOU START BY WRITING A STRIPPED-DOWN KERNEL HOW HARD CAN IT BE

Both of which are false. You must resist this. The main value of the succinctness test is as a guide in designing languages. They'll be fine.1 A typical angel round these days might be $150,000 raised from 5 people. If a hacker were a mere implementor, turning a spec into code, then he could just work his way through it from one end to the other like someone digging a ditch.2 I never read the books we were assigned. So please, get on with it. No one has to commit explicitly to what the central point is. But due to a series of historical accidents the teaching of writing has gotten mixed together with the study of ancient texts was the essence of what scholars did.

If you expressed the same ideas in prose as mathematicians had to do without. But actually being good is an expensive way to seem good. Because the fact is, if you believe as I do that the main reason we take the trouble to write two versions, a flame for Reddit and a more subdued version for HN. In a real essay you're writing for yourself. The reason they like it when you don't need them is not simply that they like what they do. The Internet is changing that. That's why I'm so optimistic about HN. And unless you already have if you can't raise the full amount. And so once university English departments were established in the late 19th century the study of literature. I'm not proposing this as a new idea. Bill Gates would probably have something to read.3 There's always a temptation to do that completely.

They raise their first round fairly easily because the founders seem smart and the idea sounds plausible. So the ability to ferret out the unexpected. Even if you only have one meeting a day with investors, somehow that one meeting will burn up your whole day. And anything you come across that surprises you, who've thought about the topic a lot, will probably surprise most readers.4 For a painter, a museum is a reference library of techniques.5 I can't. It means that a programming language is obviously doesn't know what a programming language should, above all, be malleable. The true test of the length of the delay inversely proportional to some prediction of its quality. Almost everything is interesting if you get deeply enough into it. It hadn't occurred to me till then that those horrible things we had to rely mostly on examples in books. And once you start to doubt yourself.

So no matter how many good startups approach him.6 But I know the house would probably have ended up pretty rich even if IBM hadn't happened to drop the PC standard in his lap. Why is it conventional to pretend to like what you do or what I do is somewhere between a river and a roman road-builder. And open and good.7 A couple hundred thousand would let them get office space and hire some smart people they know from school. And yet a lot is at stake. Browsers then IE 6 was still 3 years in the future, and the power of the more unscrupulous do it deliberately. Hacker News is an experiment, and an experiment in a very young field. So when a language isn't succinct, it will feel restrictive. The paperwork for convertible debt is simpler.

Their search also turned up parse. The study of rhetoric, the art of arguing persuasively, was a kind of final pass where you caught typos and oversights. Colleges had long taught English composition. The existence of aggregators has already affected what they aggregate.8 Study lots of different things, so you can learn faster what various kinds of work. I think he really wishes he'd listened. The advantage of the two-job route is less common than the organic route. There is nothing investors like more than a plan A. Long but mistaken arguments are actually quite rare. Scientists don't learn science by doing it.9 Even the concept of me turns out to explain nearly all the characteristics of VCs that founders hate. Relentlessness wins because, in the Gmail sense everything I've told you so far.

Hacker News is an experiment, and an essai is an effort. Users have worried about that since the site was a few months old.10 So a plan that promises freedom at the expense of knowing what to do, so here is another place where startups have an advantage. It sounds obvious to say that the answer is a simple yes, but no one can predict them—not even the protagonists: we're just the latest model vehicle our genes have constructed to travel around in. There are lots of other potential names that are as carefully designed and, if possible. Another easy test is the number of both increases we'll get something more like an efficient market. For example, in a recent essay I pointed out that because you can start as soon as the first one is ready to buy. Why is it conventional to pretend to like what you do? Twenty years ago, fascinating and urgently needed work. Fundamentally an essay is a train of thought, as dialogue is cleaned-up train of thought—but a cleaned-up train of thought—but social and economic history, not political history. It will always be true that most great programmers are born outside the US.11 The whole room gasped.

I've met a few VCs I like. There's nothing intrinsically great about your current name would seem repellent. Since we hosted all the stores, which together were getting just over 10 million page views per month in June 1998 I took a snapshot of Viaweb's site.12 The advantage of the two-job route, if you have $5 million in investable assets, it would seem an inspired metaphor.13 The advice of parents will tend to feel bleak and abandoned, and accumulate cruft.14 The good things in a community site come from people more than technology; it's mainly in the prevention of bad things that technology comes into play. Investors like it when they can help a startup, but they did have to go to school, which was a dilute version of work meant to prepare us for the real thing.15 Or at least, a thesis was a position one took and the dissertation was the argument by which one defended it. I didn't realize this when I was about 9 or 10, my father told me I could be 100% sure that's not a description of HN. Indeed, you can start as soon as the first one is ready to buy. It's kind of surprising that it even exists. And there was the mystery of why the perennial favorite Pralines 'n' Cream was so appealing.

Notes

Html. If early abstract paintings seem more powerful sororities at your school sucks, where many of the War on Drugs. Most unusual ambitions fail, no matter how large.

The quality of investor behavior. 03%. Bullshit, Princeton University Press, 1981. Source: Nielsen Media Research.

There is no different from deciding to move from London to Silicon Valley. Sites that habitually linkjack get banned. Xenophon Mem.

Hypothesis: A company will be big successes but who are good presenters, but we do the right thing to do some research online. Here's a recipe that might work is in the general manager of the products I grew up with elaborate rationalizations.

Sometimes a competitor will deliberately threaten you with a cap. It's a bit more complicated, because you have to keep them from the DMV.

A single point of a powerful syndicate, you now get to go deeper into the work of selection. The Sub-Zero 690, one could aspire to the hour Google was founded, wouldn't offer to invest the next investor.

At first I didn't care about, like languages and safe combinations, and one VC. Gauss was supposedly asked this when comparing techniques for discouraging stupid comments instead. Proceedings of 2003 Spam Conference.

In part because Steve Jobs doesn't use.

So as a rule, if an employer, I have no decision-making power. Your user model almost couldn't be perfectly accurate, and that most people will pay people millions of dollars a year for a patent is now. Obvious is an understatement.

It wouldn't cut their overall returns tenfold, because when people make the people working for me was the ads they show first. It's hard to say they prefer great markets to great people to claim retroactively I said yes.

Candidates for masters' degrees went on to study the quadrivium of arithmetic, geometry, music, and that modern corporate executives would work better, and b I'm pathologically optimistic about people's ability to solve a lot of legal business. One of the iPhone SDK.

Cost, again. And they are building, they were. If a company growing at 5% a week for 19 years, it means a big company. However bad your classes because you spent all your time working on is a convertible note with no deadline, you should push back on the parental dole, and journalists—have the perfect life, and stir.

This is not an efficient market in this essay talks about the distinction between money and disputes.

That name got assigned to it because the ordering system was small. In fact, we should make the argument a little about how to deal with them. Auto-retrieving filters will be big successes but who are weak in other ways to do more with less? By your mid-game.

No big deal. This is isomorphic to the frightening lies told by older siblings. It was revoltingly familiar to slip back into it. But should you even working on that.

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firegrilled · 5 years

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Mommas’ Boys - Part 2

@erejeanweek2k19 Prompt: Road Trip

Part 1 | Part 3

Summary: Raising their boys was never easy but Jean’s penchant for trouble, Eren’s brash nature, and middle school were their own special challenge for Celine Kirschtein and Carla Jaeger.

“Yes maman, I’d run all the branches in Sina county! It’s a big promotion,” Celine spoke, pride radiating in her tone. She placed her purse on her desk with a dull thud as she prepared for the last part of her day. Glancing at her watch she smiled. “The hours are a tad bit longer but the bonus and raise more than compensate for it. No more scholarships to keep Jean enrolled at Trost Prep, and just in time for high school!”

Celine sat down at her chair, still trembling from excitement of her last meeting. Her hard work and long nights finally paid off in dividends.

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” an elderly voice, her mother’s, congratulated. “But what about Jean? You barely see him and your window before college is closing. Providing is important but so is being there for him.”

“He’ll understand,” Celine sighed, her gaze falling to a portrait of her son in a track uniform on her desk. “I’ll finally be able to get us into a house and out of those shabby apartments.

“Well don’t forget to take a break and make time for him and me. I haven’t seen you two in forever. Why not come up for the summer now that school is out?”

“I can’t stay the whole time but I’m sure we’ll find some time to come up.”

Filing the idea of a vacation to the back of her mind, she thought about going north to see her mom. It really had been years since they visited.

“You could come up tomorrow and I’d be ready,” her mom joked.

“Of course, maman,” Celine rolled her eyes. A beep from her phone drew her attention away from the conversation. The screen read Carla Jaeger. Shit. “Maman I need to go, an emergency meeting just got on my schedule.”

“Always so busy, but carry on. Don’t forget to visit!”

“Bye!” Celine said before pressing the icon to switch callers. “Hello, Carla. What’s going on?”

“Hi Celine. I’m sorry to call out of the blue but Mrs. Bodt just reached out to me about something going on at the school and I don’t know what’s going on but she said we needed to get there immediately.”

“Maria? Is everything okay?”

Celine was already throwing her belongings into her purse and glanced at one of her coworkers. They exchanged knowing looks before Celine power-walked to the door.

“She mentioned drugs and graffiti and fighting but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it… I hope the boys are okay.”

“Thank you for calling, Carla. I’ll see you soon.”

Hanging up her phone, Celine pressed the button for the ground floor button repeatedly as the elevator door closed slowly. She crossed her arms and tapped her fingers against her biceps to remain calm. Calls from Erwin she got used to and accepted but if Carla Jaeger called her directly that never bode well. There was a reason they exchanged numbers in the first place after all. The boys had been so good after the joint birthday all those years before, even if it was just tolerating each other.

Her dated Honda Civic made great time on the streets when she considered the speed limit a suggestion rather than a law. She reached her son’s school just ahead of two other familiar vehicles. Even from her car Celine could see a group of students on the side with spray cans but they scattered amongst the grass along with a pile of students.

Jean’s mop of light brown hair stood out in the group of fighting students.

Anger pulsed through Celine’s veins as she slammed the car door shut. Before she could shout at the students another person beat her to the punch.

“Oi, shitheads!” A male voice called out as he sprinted over to the kids. They didn’t have enough time to even untangle when he arrived, easily pulling the kids apart.

“Levi, language!” Carla called after the man, quickly chasing after him.

Celine shrugged, briefly thankful for the man vocalizing her thoughts, and followed her as well Maria Bodt who ran after Carla. By the time they arrived Eren, his sister Mikasa, and Armin were sitting on one side of Levi while Jean, and his group of friends sat on the other. Marco sat a bit away from everyone, pale and shaking.

Jean sat with his arms crossed, covered in grass stains, dirt, and bruised up. Traces of bright purple were on his hands and shirt. His friends and Eren’s friends were in similar states of mess though Eren’s group lacked the purple paint.

Celine stared at the side of the school where in bright purple Trost sucks was written but the last s was a mess as if someone interrupted the ‘artist’.

“Jean Alexandre Kirschtein, what is going on?!” Celine demanded to know.

The blood drained from Jean’s face upon seeing his mom.

“M-m-mom?” Jean stuttered as the kids took into account the new adults.

“Eren Grisha Jaeger!” Carla yelled at her son. “What happened?”

“Th-th-they were spraying the school and we told them to stop,” Eren started to explain.

“No we didn’t, you were the ones spraying the school!” One of Jean’s friends alleged.

Celine narrowed her eyes, glancing over the kids. She confirmed her previous observation that Eren, Mikasa, and Armin lacked any paint on them. That was until Eren turned around and revealed a giant patch of purple paint on his back. Not even a kindergartner was that bad with spray paint.

As much as she wanted to trust her son’s friends, history had proven that wasn’t always the right choice.

“Y-yeah. Eren and them were-” Jean started to reply, his voice shaky.

“Don’t lie!” Marco shouted, tears at the edges of his eyes. “You guys smoked and thought it’d be a brilliant idea to graffiti the school. Eren tried to stop them while I called my mom.”

“Marco, you tattletale!” Jean squawked back, his eyes wide and filled with betrayal.

“Marco please go get Mr. Smith,” Celine gestured to the building, taking a few steps towards her son. She grabbed him by the ear and yanked him to his feet. A quick sniff confirmed Marco’s statement about the smoking. “Marijuana, property damage, fighting, and then lying to me?”

“Ow, ow, ow! I didn’t lie, it really was them!” Jean tried to shift the blame but never made eye contact. His gaze stayed focused on a rather interesting patch of grass.

“Don’t you lie to me young man! I raised you better than that.”

To Celine’s astonishment, Jean pulled away from her and glared at her.

“Raise me? You never raised me! You’re always at work and too busy to be with me,” Jean disagreed, puffing his chest out more.

Was that what this was about?

Goosebumps ran down Celine’s arms at her son’s defiance, her jaw dropping at his words.

The others watching immediately quieted at Jean’s brazen words. Even Carla and Maria Bodt were taken aback.

“Not raise you? Who do you think puts the food on the table? Who pays for you to attend the best possible school so you can have the opportunities your father and I never had? Who cleans after your messes and buys your videogames? I work late hours so you can have what you want and what you need,” Carla narrowed her eyes, reminded her son.

“What I want? Who said I ever wanted any of that! You’re never there to take me to school or track, never there in time to cook dinner. The only people who’ve ever been there for me are them!” Jean pointed to his friends, who nervously stared between themselves, then moved the finger to his mom. “You’ve never been there for me.”

That last statement felt like a dagger of ice was driven in Celine’s heart and someone twisted it as her blood chilled. To be called out by her son publically after he caused such a ruckus was definitely a new low, and her normally porcelain façade cracked but didn’t shatter.

“Don’t point your finger at me young man,” Celine replied, her voice eerily calm. She didn’t register Marco returning with Erwin and Hanji when the grass crunched below their feet. “Now I know I haven’t always been there for you but I’ve always provided, and clearly those that have are a bad influence. Drugs, fighting, and vandalism are nothing I taught you. Perhaps you learned lying from me since I’ve been telling myself the same one every day: that my son is capable of being a mature and smart young man.”

Jean’s proud appearance fell to his mom’s quieter tone. He flinched at her unusually harsh words, nothing like what he’d seen before. They were stoic, pointed, and hard. “Mom…”

“Perhaps you need a more constant and better influence. Go to the car.”

Jean wrinkled his nose at the idea, anger bursting forth once more.

“Why? So you can leave me at home and go back to work?!”

Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, Celine shook her head. “No, so we can pack your bags. You’re going to spend the summer with grand-maman so you can learn proper manners.”

Jean’s face fell at her punishment. “Wh-what? But what about camping with Marco? He’s moving at the end of the summer!”

“You should’ve thought about that before pulling this stunt. While he’s clearly the best influence in your life I’ve made up my mind. I can’t be there for you during the day and those that have are worse. Maybe you’ll finally grasp that actions have consequences at the end of it.”

The expression of utter hurt that crossed Jean’s face cut his mother deeper than any of the venomous words he hurled at her.

“But-!”

“No buts. Car. Now!” Celine pointed at the car.

Water formed on the edges of Jean’s eyes, threatening to fall. His shoulders slumped over as he dragged his feet to the car.

Celine turned to face the others, a strange mixture of calm and hurt.

Even Erwin remained tight lipped until he heard the door of the Honda Civic slam shut.

“Ms. Kirschtein you may go home and discipline Jean. We can talk about this mess later,” Erwin offered, much to Celine’s relief. “I can get the perpetrators this clean this later.”

“No, we do this now,” Levi disagreed.

Those present turned to see the smaller man already back with a giant blue bucket full of steaming water and equipped with a belt of various spray bottles, brushes, and pristine white cloths.

“And you are?” Erwin quirked an eyebrow, doing a once over of the smaller man.

“Levi Ackerman, Mikasa’s uncle. These brats can get this cleaned in 10 minutes if they put their backs into it.”

Cracking a tiny smile, Erwin looked at Jean’s friends. “Well you heard the man, get to it Mr. Wagner, Mr. Kefka, and Ms. Woods.”

The kids grumbled but got to their feet, trudging over to the small yet intimidating man.

Celine stifled a chuckle at the bemusing sight before taking her leave. She had plane tickets to buy and clothes to pack after an incredibly quiet car ride.

---

The looming shadow of high school prepared Carla Jaeger for many changes: her children going through puberty, the inevitable birds and the bees talk, failed tests, perhaps more fights involving her brash son, and Mikasa inevitably bailing him out. But it was the little things she could never anticipate like her son’s spontaneity. She was curled up in a warm blanket watching Wheel of Fortune while her husband sat in front of the fireplace in his armchair deep in thought reading a novel when Eren boldly strode into the room with Mikasa on his heels.

“Eren-” Mikasa tried to warn but he cut her off.

“Mom, dad, I’m gay,” Eren declared, placing his hand on his hips while wearing a wide grin.

Mikasa sighed, falling to the floor and sinking into her face into her crimson scarf.

Carla blinked twice before her husband slammed his book shut.

“You’re what now?” He asked.

“Gay.”

“Really?” Carla replied, shock slowly sinking in. She hadn’t prepared for that. And neither had her husband apparently.

“Why do you say that? Did you just decide to be?” Grisha Jaeger wondered, his tone hardening. “You’re just about to enter high school.”

“Nope, I just realized it,” Eren shook his head.

Carla shook her head, smiling at her son’s silliness. “Honey, why do you say that you like boys? Do you have a crush on someone? Is it Armin?”

“Carla, don’t encourage him!” Grisha sighed.

“No, Armin likes pots,” Eren shrugged.

His two parents were speechless by that statement, unsure what to make of it. The sound of Mikasa smacking her head with her hand broke the silence.

“That’s not what pansexual means,” Mikasa mumbled into her scarf.

“That’s not important, honey. What matters is that we support you, whatever your preference is,” Carla smiled. While not an outcome she expected it didn’t change her love for her son.

“I’ll be in my study for the evening,” Grisha informed his family, a frown on his face. “We have an important paper that’ll decide the fate of my lab so please don’t disturb me with any more inane news.”

To be Continued

#fic: Mommas' Boys #Jean Kirschtein #Eren Jaeger #erejean #jean's mom #carla jaeger #angst and fluff #enemies to lovers #they're getting there i swear #side eruri #snk #shingeki no kyojin #erejeanweek2k19 #jean's an idiot but he's growing #and eren is eren

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peachyjie · 6 years

Text

For ‘Love‘, I Will || Cai Xu Kun

—Author Note :

Well, I decided it was best to post this one. So yea, requested by a lovely anon and I hope you enjoy this piece of mine :>

—Warning : tbh, I just felt like this whole scenario is a roller coaster and I kinda suck with the ending

—Wc : 8.4K+

—Pairing : Cai Xu Kun - Reader

—Genre : Bestfriend!au + semi!angst + slight!fluff

—Summary : When the reality of Love dawns upon you, you realized it takes more than mutual feelings for both to last

By any means, you had always hated the word Love.

It is delightful to watch movies based on romance. People would often get themselves engage in such scene, fall down in the usual cliché storyline before bawling their eyes out by the sappy romance.

The books based out of Love aren’t an exception. Despite the storyline would be the same cliché and predictable plot, where the male or female would fall for one another and the story pulls on testing their love by giving them random obstacle, before at the end of the book they end it with a kiss.

But why do people still find themselves buying into them despite it’s the same thing every time?

Was it the feeling of thirst? Or for the imagination of a perfect love story?

You were by no means an exception. As a human being, everyone has the right to thirst on love and you’re one of them. It’s cute seeing how two characters could fall in love so gracefully then have a journey so beautifully in the name of love.

You hated it, you had and always hated the word love, the concept of love, the reality of falling in love.

In your on-going long journey in life, you’ve only fallen in love 2 times. 2 times the sweet memories, 2 times the heartbreak.

Your first love was during Junior High, 7th grade aka the new kid on the block thrown into the sea of people who’ve known one another since Primary. You were new or freshly moved in the neighborhood, trying to adapt to the sudden changes of school.

You would say that being the awkward teen in puberty also hit your social skill in being awkward. But this one boy, known as the troublemaker, always teasing you and the jokester who always tried to make you laugh and less awkward in class, the one and only, Wang Lin Kai.

You didn’t know how or what were you thinking that time, you had a small crush on him. Turns out that crush continued for more than half a year and you guaranteed yourself that you truly do like him. You thought to yourself that it was finally time to experience the scenario so called love like the TV shows or the books.

No, reality had better plans.

During the second semester, Linkai called you out to talk. You were beyond elated and willingly followed him. It wasn’t until he looked down in the dumps, you finally noticed something is wrong.

“I won’t be coming to school tomorrow”, now you didn’t click right away. Because Linkai was always absent every month. Every month, Linkai would take a week off out of school and those were the most dreadful week for you. It wasn’t a surprise when he tells you that he won’t come to school tomorrow, because you knew he will come again next week.

Well, it wasn’t until reality hits you hard.

“I’m moving to the US tomorrow, Y/N”, oh you didn’t remember how you reacted to that. It was either you stood frozen as you stare the living soul out of him, or immediately bawl your eyes in front of him, or better you actually passed out right there on spot.

The only thing you knew was, your first love journey ends there.

The second time you attempted to fall in love happened during your time in College. This time, you’re far confident with the outcome. You were sure the probability of him falling for you is bigger than Linkai’s, especially since he’s been by your side since High School.

The prized star of the dance major in campus, the campus star that everyone loves, the best-friend who had spent a good amount of 4 years by your side but also the male who has his hands around your heart.

You met him during the first day of High School in the bus, that time you’re not awkward like when you were in Junior High, you were far than the word awkward.

You messed up.

It was early morning, the first morning you had to wake up early after your long lazy break. The usual morning routine you had to drag yourself to go through before you could go to school. With a small carton of milk you had in your hand for breakfast, you let the bus scanned your student card. When it beeped, you proceeded to find a vacant seat.

Opening the flap, your lips came in contact with the soft carton to sip on the milky liquid.

You turned your head sideway, mouth still savoring the sweetness in the milk to even notice a figure had already taken the vacant seat beside you.

“Morning, I hope this seat isn’t taken”, oh wow his voice sounded so ethereal.

In all day light and hallelujah, he smiled so charmingly it caused you a big jolt in your system. Without any warning, in the speed of light, you accidentally spit the whole substance on his magnificent facial feature.

You didn’t have time to laugh as you whole body was too busy panicking.

You stare down at the blazer, the color of navy blue with the High School’s logo. Great, he goes to the same school as you and it’s only the first day and you’ve made a fool of yourself. Let’s see until he spit the words about you to the whole school’s existence. The girl who spits milk mist for free, he would probably say.

“I am so sorry!”, you yelped as you frantically dabbed your handkerchief to dry his face off the liquid. He was frozen, very much not moving as he kept his eyes closed, obviously not letting the liquid get into his eyes nor mouth.

But who knows fate always does things with a dash of surprise

Instead of being mad or completely disgusted by you, he laughed, loudly. You were in the state of shock and pure confusion, did the milk mist made him lose his mind? Or is he just pure crazy?

“I like you”, he said suddenly catching you by surprise.

A confession in the morning? Aren’t you living the life. A handsome male beside you suddenly confessing when both of you barely know one another. Bucket list checked.

“Nice to meet you”, he said. His hand slowly extended towards your side, the dashing smile plastered itself on his face. “I’m Cai Xu Kun, Xukun”, you smiled and accepted his hand.

The start of your friendship but also, the start of your journey with him.

*****

You didn’t know how you lasted this long with Xukun.

It all started with the milk mist and without warning both of you suddenly became best friend. You were different from Xukun. He’s always been the popular kid that’s loved by everyone ever since High School whilst you were the awkward sidekick of his who only care about surviving school.

But that never stops him from advancing his ways to you, instead it made both of you got closer to one another.

You smiled thinking about the countless memories both of you had made for one another, there was too many to choose. And telling them all would only resolve you to release a book about you and Xukun.

Other than those memories, Xukun has always had that small space in you.

He wasn’t only the closest thing you have in life or your best-friend, he’s also the person you’re currently in love with.

It wasn’t a surprise to see him hanging around with you in campus or out of campus. He would sometimes sneak into your class in excuse of “I’m too lonely when you’re not beside me”, which resolve to you calling him clingy but secretly you also like having him right beside you.

You would also do the same to him. Staying by his side until late night, waiting for him to finish practice. Despite he nags you to go home and get some sleep, you would just brush it off and say “I’m too lonely when you’re not beside me”, which caused him to stare at you judgingly for teasing him before smiling fondly at you.

Basically, in conclusion everyone in campus already know about you and Xukun. New kid in campus who’s suddenly interested in Xukun or you? Don’t worry, they get the hint both you and him are inseparable or just get told off that Xukun and you are basically dating.

Oh what? A female interested in him but won’t back off? It’s fine, Xukun will be too busy haunt you down for movie nights than spare them a single glance.

As time pass by, you could conclude that your feelings for him is true and sincere.

Him? You’re can’t guess. But there should be a bigger possibility for him to like you back, right?

4 years you’ve spent with him, you’re far confused about his feeling towards you. It’s wasn’t like you assume he has the same mutual feelings as you, its simply because Xukun here loves to give out mixed signals to you.

During Valentines day, he announced to the whole campus he’s your valentine. Took you out to many dates instead of calling it the usual hang out. He would often give you surprise pecks here and there anytime and everywhere, A small gift for working hard he would often quoted when you ask why.

During times you told him you got admirers, showing him the notes that you got from your lockers. He would often react by pouting and sulking for the whole day, until you reassure him that you had no interest in any of them.

“Then who do you like?”, he would ask you. Flustered, you always get flustered and shy when he asked the question.

“Eyyyy, it’s me right”, he would say. He sounded confident, as if he already knew the answer all along. You only brushed him off, getting teased for the whole day by him.

But it’s fine.

You know your relationship with Xukun will never change, because both of you are probably far too committed being stuck with one another to even think of growing distant.

Or so that’s what you thought.

One day, without any sign of a thunderstorm, you saw him striding to your side. The happiest expression stuck on his face as his lips kept tugging into a wide smile, you smiled at him asking him why was he so giddy so early in the morning.

The answer you weren’t expecting, because once again reality comes dawning itself on you.

“I came to you to announce, I have a crush on Cheng Xiao”

Once again, your love story was put on a hold.

You only smiled at him, trying your best to think a way out of the whole situation. “Con-Congratulations Xukun”, you manage to stutter it out. Xukun was far than delightful to hear your blessing, he went on blabbering about his on-going new-found crush, clearly oblivious on whatever is happening inside of you. You simply tried to plaster a smile as he rants on, completely pushing aside whatever sweet feelings you have for him.

Your ears weren’t even working, all the things he was telling you just went pass as your mind was too busy thinking about all the time you had with him. Thinking that both of you would never even have the change or the small change of growing a gap. It happened anyways, at the time you least expected.

“You’re going to help me, right?”, that snapped you back to reality. You stare at him in confusion, blinking rapidly. Xukun chuckled at your small act. “I said, you’re going to help me win her right?”, he repeated slowly.

You didn’t know what you were progressing in your mind, because when your beating heart said no rapidly. You choked out a small, “Yea, sure!”. Causing a bigger smile on his face.

You smile a little. For love, you’ll try for him.

So, you set up a small meeting between him and her. And like expected, things escalated quickly.

*****

Cheng Xiao, the dance goddess in campus. You know her, everyone knows her. Cheng Xiao is that typical humble yet perfect female every girls aspire to be, every boys dream girl. You’ve had your fair share of encounter with her. From being putted in the same class, to grouped into the same team for a group project, until spending a good amount of girls night out with her to be considered good friends.

Comparing to Xukun, she’s probably the second closest person in campus to be your friend.

There wasn’t that much minus point in her. Cheng Xiao is always hard working, she cares a lot on details and sharpness in every movements, she’s humble and caring to others, basically the list goes on. You had seen fair share of confession given to her, during lunches or small letters in lockers.

Like Xukun, she rarely date. Never had you seen her one to one with a male aside of dance practice.

The more you think of it, the more you realized. Xukun would be better off with Cheng Xiao anyways, why did you even bother making up the whole scenario about you and Xukun anyways.

You groaned a little, scratching the paper in front of you with you pen. The dark liquid seeps into the paper, causing the once white clean paper stained with black ink. “Stupid, this is all dumb”, you grumbled silently.

The library, your escape place from reality. You stare silently at the stack of books in front of you, then your eyes wander down to the vacant seat across you. Xukun had asked you to tutor him on history as the next exam is coming closer, like usual you obliged.

Where was he, you may wonder? You stare at the far end table near the window, he was busy talking with Cheng Xiao to neglect his tutor session, neglecting that you even existed.

This is how you hate love. It’s such a strong feeling, it controls your whole mind and system. It’s the expression that made you think otherwise, caused everyone to prioritize the wrong thing and forget about the reality.

Love, the strong feeling that made everyone irrational. And you’re one of them.

You sighed a little, trying your best to force down more materials in your brain. You wanted to leave him alone, quickly going back to your dorm. But you didn’t, instead you waited for him like a complete bimbo. Why?

Because he has more control against your heart and you would do anything to see that smile on him.

Stupid? You could say that again. For him, you try to help him win her. For him, you sacrifice time and effort so he could progressed further. For him, you sacrifice your heart just to see him smile fondly with sincerity for her. The things you do for him, for love.

“Y/N?”, you jerk in surprise, staring at the figure in front of you.

Caught in complete surprise, you stare at the new stranger who was grinning widely at you. A stranger who seems so familiar. Defined jawline, tall posture, sharp eyes and high nose, the same playful grin from 7 years ago.

You smiled in recognition. “Wang Lin Kai?”, he lights up in joy hearing the familiar roll from your tongue.

“Yo, you still remember who I am?”, he said in compete surprise.

You laughed softly and nodded. Like other tales would say, your first love will always have that special place in your heart and your memories.

“I didn’t know you study in this campus, Linkai”, you said. He shook his head, eyes in disapproval. “I go by Lil Ghost AKA IMP now”, he said causing you to snort. He looked at you in pure shock, almost offended. “The US really got you hard huh, Linkai?”, you said laughing a little.

“Nah, it’s called passion for music”, he said back. You smile at him, nodding a little. Linkai took the seat across you, despite having Xukun’s bag on it. But Xukun wouldn’t mind, he’s too busy over there anyways.

“I came back to China a week ago, enrolled here yesterday”, he said.

“Why did you come back?”, he stare at you in question causing you to went full flustered. “No—I meant, The US must be more fun and all. Why did you choose to come back here, in boring old China?”, you said trying your best to calm yourself down.

He smiled fondly at you, you will never change from the awkward as you’re still the same like when you’re still in Junior High.

“Just because, I kind of miss being here”, he said coolly. He studied you longer, taking the few changes from the past 7 years. He must admit, he missed teasing you around or making random jokes just to make you laugh. Who knew, 7 years change a lot of things between both of you.

“We should hang out on weekend, you know show me around the campus and then we could grab lunch or something”, he said.

You light up at the invite. You nodded eagerly, accepting his offer.

Out of the corner of your eyes, you saw Xukun coming closer after bidding Cheng Xiao a small goodbye. You noticed his eyes changed when he saw Linkai who’s occupying his seat. You gave him a small smile which he didn’t reply as he was too busy boring his eyes on the other male.

“Xukun, this is Linkai. He’s my friend from Junior High”, you said.

Linkai faked a hurt, staring at you in sad eyes. “I-I thought we had something more, Y/N.”, he said. You laughed a little, giving him a small hit on the arm.

Xukun just stare at the whole situation unfolds in front of him. This is the first time he seen you all touchy and close with another male other than him.

“Give me your phone, I’ll give you my number”, you said to Linkai as your arm reached out for his phone. He willingly gave it to you, causing a wide sincere smile on your face.

As you were typing in your number, Xukun on the other hand was far in confusion. He felt left out, as if you were growing distant from him due to this Linkai kid.

“I manage to get a date with Cheng Xiao”, he suddenly said.

With all will, you tried to keep the smile on your face. Your fingers stopped typing as your heart rate fastened. You stare at Linkai’s phone longer than expected, before you looked at Xukun. Giving him the usual smile you will always give him, you nodded.

“I am happy for you, Xukun”, you said. Xukun smiled and nodded at your approval. You handed the phone back to Linkai who sat silently watching the scene unfolds, then frantically took all of your belonging and shove them in your bag.

“Text me the detail, Kai”, you said to him before you divert your attention to Xukun once again. “I’m heading back first, I’ll see you later”, and like that you ran out of the library.

Running away from him, from your own feelings.

*****

“Get that bunny one!! I don’t want a Huba doll, Linkai!”, you whined when you saw the claw went pass the bunny doll you wanted. He laughed as he tried to aim towards the Huba doll in sight, his tongue was pressed against his lips, the usual habit he has whenever he’s trying to concentrate.

“And, bam!”, he hollered and at the same time, the claw aimed down directly at the Huba.

You groaned as he celebrated with pure glory on the catch. He smiled proudly presenting the doll at you, making you grumbled more.

“It’s cute!”, he said. “See, it looks like you”, he put the doll right beside of your face making you smack him on the face. He laughed louder, still giving you the Huba despite your whining for the bunny doll.

It was finally the day where you went on a hang out with him, so far everything is amazing. Both of you took a small stroll around campus, catching up here and there before heading for a late lunch. When lunch passed by, Linkai decided it was a great idea to go to the arcade near campus.

In which, it resolved to you getting a Huba doll. Or what Linkai would call, his child.

You sat down waiting for Linkai who’s ordering drinks for both of you. Mindlessly scrolling through your social media and replying to any text messages from the last few hours. You raised your vision to look at Linkai who’s already staring at you, you tilted your head in confusion.

He made an ugly face, causing you to erupt in a fit of giggle. You replied his action back, making him shake his head in judgement but you only smiled goofily at him. A ding on your phone caused you to jerk back to stare at the notification.

You froze, eyes glued on your screen as it fades back to nothing but black. You felt your body turned cold, your throat dry.

As Linkai set down the cup of tea, you took it and sip a good amount of drink. Linkai stare at you in bewilderment, mostly caught off guard on how you went from happy and smiles to a disoriented and panicked mess.

When another ding came on your phone, you tried your best not to look at the screen. You restrained. But Linkai, he saw it. It took him mere seconds to finally understand why the smile was stripped away completely off you.

15.56 – KunKun : It’s official! I’m dating Cheng Xiao!

Linkai took you back home earlier than the normal plan. When you were in front of the dorm’s gate, you smiled guiltily at Linkai. “Sorry we had to cut the hang out short, I’m feeling tired suddenly”, you said softly.

It took Linkai a while to react. He pulls out the same usual cheeky smile and knocks you a little on the forehead, completely catching you by surprise. “You idiot, it’s fine”, he said ruffling your hair a little. Then his hand reached down to his pocket, throwing the small bag to your side.

Flustered, you caught it carelessly before it hit the ground. You stare at Linkai in question, he only ushered you and told you to open it. In the small bag was a small rabbit doll keychain, it’s the size of your palm for the convenience to hang it on your bag.

You smiled fondly at it causing Linkai to smile. “That one is far cuter than the arcade one, plus you can bring it everywhere and think of me”, he said suggestively.

You only laughed louder. “Thanks, Linkai”, you said.

Linkai kicks the pavement as he stared down at the small rocks on the ground. “Don’t think about him too much, and don’t get sad just because of him”, he looks up and locks his eyes at yours.

“Okay?”, he asked.

Your palms rubbed itself on the soft material of the rabbit. “Okay”, you said back making him nod in satisfaction.

“Good. Don’t let your feelings bring you down, Y/N”, he gave you a small peck on the forehead and then he was off to his side of dorm. Leaving you to daydream on the sudden affection he just displayed.

*****

4 months, that’s how long you’ve gradually felt the distance widen as each day passed by.

It happened in a blink of an eye, where once you would be by his side 24/7 soon turned into his shadow. He rarely made time to hang out or go on dates with you anymore, no more invites to see him during practice hours, he just cuts you off whenever you’re trying to commit on a topic to talk to.

“I have a date with Cheng Xiao, maybe another time”, he would often say with a smile on his face. Without bidding a goodbye at you, he dashes out of campus without much thought.

There’s never the promised maybe another time, because whenever he tried to do it, it will only resolve to “Oh… I forgot I have practice with Cheng Xiao” or “I promised her for a study together after lesson”.

Xukun, your best-friend had been ripped off completely from your life.

You would often find yourself staring mindlessly at Xukun in each class, during lunch or even self-study session in the library. The sudden emptiness hits you harder than you expected, especially since Xukun here literally sacrificed all of his time with his girl.

Sighing, another lesson is done and you’re off to another day without him bothering you. Because he’s already had plans again with her.

As you were packing up, out of the corner of your eyes you saw Linkai’s head popping in searching the whole room. When his eyes met yours, his hand waved wildly on the air causing you to smile. You motioned him to come in as the professor is already out, he obliged and strode over in big steps.

What you didn’t realize was Xukun who kept glancing when he saw Linkai came in. Linkai who noticed the stare gave him a little nod which Xukun takes and give back. His eyes stayed glued until Linkai stops by your table, clearly start talking to you about whatever new topic he got during his part of the lesson.

Xukun stare at Linkai in displeasure, wasn’t his class’s building like all across from this building?

When he heard another laughter escaped from you, his irritation just rise up. No, he shouldn’t be thinking like this. He has his own life now and you have yours, it’s your right to choose who you want to be with and he is already committed with Cheng Xiao.

He shouldn’t feel like this, he shouldn’t.

“I heard there’s this good ramen place near campus, let’s get lunch there”, Linkai said casually. You perk up at the sudden offer and thought about it. Cafeteria food where you have to fight with other people to get the most decent food or sweet savory broth of ramen noodles with elegance.

Linkai smiled a little when he sees your expression change. He took your packed bags and without warning, his hand clasped on yours and soon he drags you out of the lecture room. “Ramen noodle for the Queen then!”, he hollered as you squealed trying your best not to lose your balance.

Xukun stare quietly at the scene that had unfold in front of him. Silently taking in the whole situation in him.

“Did you see the way he held her hand? It’s so cute”, Cheng Xiao squealed to herself.

He smiled slightly at her and nodded.

When he got out of the lecture room with Cheng Xiao by his side, her arm interlinked with his. Xukun couldn’t help but feel the dissatisfaction in his system.

“Where should we have lunch?”, Cheng Xiao asked in pure glee. Xukun stops his track, mind racking in the question. Then it clicked in him, he knows exactly where their lunch date is going to be held.

“Let’s go to the ramen place down campus lane”

And so, they did.

This isn’t how you expected your 2 hours break to pass by.

You were expecting having the fun conversation with Linkai, basically joking around with the male. Served with good food that will make for you forget about dieting or calories, just pure guilty pleasure. Then maybe after lunch you would go to the library and catch up on some worksheets that hadn’t been done and then you would go home.

What you weren’t expecting was the couple joining in your lunch with Linkai. You stare at Linkai across of you, he smiled apologetically.

Then your eyes wander towards Cheng Xiao who’s sitting beside Linkai, she was too busy flipping the menu in pure happiness like a child who recently got sweets for doing some good deeds. Until out of the corner of your eyes, you see the person you least want to encounter.

The Cai Xu Kun, Xukun is here sitting beside you.

The moment you heard the ding from the door, you would never expect Xukun and Cheng Xiao to come here. Xukun rarely want anything soupy during summer, yet he barges into the place like he owns the place.

Cheng Xiao was probably in pure confusion and surprise when she saw you and Linkai. Willingly, Xukun let her stride over to your place. Linkai who was supposed to sit beside you, only stare at the scene unfolds.

“I never expected to see you both here”, she said. You only laughed awkwardly and waved at her. “Such coincidence”, you tried to say but it sounded more un-willing and a question why are you here?

“We should have lunch together!”, Cheng Xiao said in excitement.

Linkai who was clearly more aware of your situation took the call. “Ah, I don’t think your boyfriend would like your date to be bothered”, Linkai tried to reason out. Cheng Xiao hummed a little, almost agreeing to Linkai.

“No, I’m fine. Let’s eat together”, gosh you hate your fate with Xukun sometimes.

“Great! This will be fun!”, Cheng Xiao was clearly far excited and very much un-aware by the other 3 actors in the drama

Cheng Xiao smiled as she puts her bag across the seat of Linkai. Xukun here only place his bag beside Linkai, causing you and Linkai to look at him in confusion.

“I’m allergic to sunlight”, Xukun said as he pointed out the window seat beside Cheng Xiao.

You swore it took all your will to not laugh. Linkai stare at him, a small smirk finds itself rested on his face.

“What are you? A vampire?”, to say the least, Xukun was caught in surprise by Linkai’s comeback. Linkai simply leans on the seat more, obviously trying to piss the other male off.

You on the other side was not enjoying the whole drama, tried to think another solution before they both bite each other’s head off. You took your bag and slowly stood up.

“I’ll move next to Cheng Xi-“

“No!”, both of them snapped back causing you to jump back in surprise.

Linkai sighed a little, massaging his temple to calm himself from Xukun’s tantrum. “I’ll move”, he said as his arm grabs his bag rested on the seat. Just as Linkai passed by Xukun, he made sure both are close enough without a single gap in sight. “Asshole”, he said softly enough for Xukun to hear.

You leaned your head on your hand that’s rested on the wooden table, clearly finding this whole situation turning into a hassle.

Linkai tapped his finger at the menu, the slight small voice was enough to catch your attention. He smiled when you leaned in closer to take a small peak on what’s new.

“Should we share the tempura set?”, Linkai asked in a soft manner. You hummed still thinking about it, will you be able to finish it. “You’re paying the meal, right?”, you asked him almost hopeful. Linkai laughed at you and nodded.

“Then I want dessert after, let’s share it also”, you claimed to him. “Anything, anything for you”, he said back.

When Cheng Xiao was too busy squealing at how cute your tiny interaction with Linkai was, Xukun was almost at the edge of his sanity.

Sure, he noticed the sudden changes happening between you and him. Both of you would rarely have any time to spare for one another, but also because Xukun himself is already in a commitment he has to commit to.

His dating life had been nothing but bliss with Cheng Xiao. She’s beautiful, nice and hard-working by any means, basically everyone’s ideal lover. But then again, whenever Xukun she’s beside him being all cuddly like the usual couple things do, he couldn’t help but always thought about you.

He didn’t know why, he just can.

He tried to brush it off countless time, trying to hypnotize himself that he’s probably just misses hanging out with you. It’s the usual best-friend missing their other best-friend.

There had been numerous time he would often find himself resting on his bed, thinking about random things. Those were the time he would think too much and dread his life a lot. The one thought he mostly hated was the thought of having you as his instead of Cheng Xiao.

Those were the time he would just smack his head hard and go in the bathroom for a cold shower in 2AM in the morning.

How could a male who’s already committed thought about these scenarios? It was as if Xukun was willing to sin.

He didn’t know what was running in his mind. Xukun once thought about Cheng Xiao a lot, she always has the talent to draw people in. He had the idea of liking her and wanting her to be his officially, he did. Xukun will always remember the electricity jolting in his system whenever they accidentally touch, every single brain cells that never let him rest whenever he scored a date with her, and when he share the first kiss with her despite it was a small peck.

But why does he feel odd now? After 4 months being with Cheng Xiao, Xukun felt out of place and he didn’t know where he truly belongs.

“Should we order this set too?”, he snapped out of his trance to be met with Cheng Xiao’s hopeful gaze. Flustered, he only nodded. He seriously did not just bore his eyes on you.

When the food was served, all of you were far ready to devour. Xukun only lifeless took his chopsticks, feeling his appetite slipping away in each passing second. He nibbles on some a little before managing to finish half then he stopped.

Then his eyes started to wander around again, his mind getting hazy. He eyes bores itself on Linkai and you who was too busy talking to one another. The sincere smiles and laughs you gave him is always plastered on your face, he wondered had you ever done the same to him? Or was he too oblivious to know?

When Linkai shove another shrimp in your bowl, you simply shake your head. “Eat more, you need to grow”, he said sheepishly. You hit his bowl softly with your utensil, annoyed by his teasing.

“They’re so cute”, Cheng Xiao pointed out suddenly causing all three to turn back at her. Xukun was caught off guard, had she already noticed how his eyes was so glued to them?

“Do you guys ever consider on dating one another?”, she asked in pure curiosity.

Flustered, you frantically shook your head and dismissed your question before your eyes locked themselves on Xukun’s. You swallowed down a lump, very much uncomfortable on how the question and his intense gaze made you felt so small.

Without any warning, Xukun silently takes out his and Cheng Xiao’s share of bills and took his bag. The more he stayed, the more he will feel suffocated. Instinctively, his hand grabs onto Cheng Xiao’s and soon pulls both of them out of the place.

Xukun felt the relieve when the sun finally hits his skin, the feeling of fresh air and freedom rise into his system. The headache he has was slowly ceasing away, as if the whole situation was just a passing nightmare.

“Xukun”, he jolts up in surprise when he felt a hand slipped into his. He turned his head slightly to see Cheng Xiao, then slumped back in feeling the disappointment settles in.

He only smiled at her a little before continuing the path back to campus. Mindlessly, both started to walk back in complete silence.

Xukun didn’t know what got into him, what situation possessed his mind. As time pass by, he felt odd being with someone who’s not you. He felt odd seeing other people in his hand, he doesn’t feel in place. The more he thought about it, the more he just wanted to take you back from Linkai.

Was he afraid of losing you?

He stared quietly at Cheng Xiao, this isn’t right for him. The more he sees it, the more he thinks they are not compatible for one another. He noticed the differences between you and her, how would it be far better to have you beside him instead of her.

Compare to Cheng Xiao, your height fitted him better. Your height is just right whenever you stood beside him, he could easily circle his hand around you and pulls you closer to his side. The way your hand fitted in his, it felt right, it felt like home.

He missed the smile you’d often give him during any situation, he misses the time where both of you would stay up late in the night just to see him dance, he misses the time where he would crack crappy joke and you would just laugh at it no matter what, he misses the tutor session that ended up in him procrastinating, he misses the random time he would give you random thank you kisses on the cheeks.

He misses you, badly.

“Xukun”, he widened his eyes when he didn’t feel any presence beside him. The arm he once held was not there. He spun around in panic, the relieve flushed him when he noticed Cheng Xiao is still right behind him.

“I called you so many times already, you kept ignoring me”, she said to him. The smile is prominent on her face, as if the act he just pulled off was a joke to her.

Xukun didn’t know how to react towards the situation, he was far too uncomfortable by the whole scenario to even think a way out. He lets the silence filled both of their gaps, he was in no place to fix this situation anyways.

The more time passes, the more he felt both are already slipping away from one another.

“You’re in love with someone else, aren’t you?”, she asked him softly. Xukun stare at her in panic, afraid by the outcome. But she didn’t throw a tantrum nor try to be dramatic on him, Cheng Xiao kept smiling at him.

“You’re in love with Y/N”, she said. It wasn’t even a question anymore, both probably realized how this relationship will only be an act if they continue on.

Xukun looked at her in sorrow, pure shame and guilt in his eyes. Cheng Xiao nodded at him, understanding what he meant to say. “It’s fine”, she said.

When Xukun did nothing, she walked closer to him, slowly closing the gap both had. Her arm circled around him, feeling the warmth he always emitted. “Go get her”, she said when she pulled out of the hug.

“I’m sorry”, and he was off running.

*****

You smiled gratefully to Linkai when he dropped you off to your next class. It was still early for lesson, but you didn’t mind coming in early. “So… I’ll pick you up later?”, he asked. You shake your head a little, told him to keep the hassle away as you could walk back to your dorm alone.

When you were about to get into class, Linkai simply took a hold of your hand causing you to jerk back in surprise.

You stare at him in confusion when you see his distressed face.

“Have you ever considered of dating me?”, he blurted the question out. The breath hitched itself on you, very much caught off guard by his question. The slight blush crept itself on his face, he was more flustered than you’ll ever be.

“I was so unwilling to move back then, I threw a big tantrum to my parents that time”, he chuckled to himself. “It took me a while to come back and when I did, I made sure finding you was my only goal. I went to your old house, the new owner told me your family moved to the other side of town. It took me a while, until my friend who was in the same class as you told me.”

“You don’t know how my mind flew to cloud nine when you still remembered who I was, Y/N. I missed you”, he whispered.

Linkai looked at you, smiling. His face inches closer towards yours, closing the gap. You felt his hot breath tickling your upper lips as he came closer. When he finally pressed his lips on yours, you were expecting the adrenaline rise in your system, mind exploding with fireworks and butterflies in your stomach.

There was none, it didn’t feel right.

You pushed him away, in shock by what just happened. “I—no, I can’t”, you stuttered out.

“Linkai, I—I’m in love with someone else”, Linkai simply smiled at you, his hand traced itself towards yours. He held one on his, linking his fingers to yours before he pressed a small kiss on one of your knuckles.

“It’s fine”, he said.

“I’m sorry”, you said to him. Then without any warning, Linkai simply knocks your head a little. You were caught of guard when he suddenly laughed and brushed off the topic like nothing.

He sighed a little to himself. “If I never moved, do you think we would ever happen?”, he asked you softly. You pressed your lips against one another, thinking back during the days of Junior High.

“Probably, since I also liked you back then”, you said. He smiled at you, ruffling your hair a little. “I know, I missed my chance then”, he sighed.

“I’ll see you after class then”, he said already ready to make his way to his class.

“Hey, Linkai”, you called him. When he turned his head slightly, enough to lock his eyes around yours, you smiled at him. “Thank you for liking me—”, you said causing him to laugh.

“—and thank you for being my first love”, Linkai stopped. He stared at you, as if thinking it was all a joke you’re trying to pull off. You didn’t laugh, the tone and smile you gave is still as sincere as ever, filled with gratefulness.

He gave you one last smile and nodded at you, giving you a small ok sign.

Then he was off, his shadow swallowed down as he disappeared completely out of sight.

Silently, you took your seat in the lecture room and took out the books that are needed. Without any hassle, you simply flipped each page in hope to get your mind settle in from all the hassle that had happened before.

Having an hour to spare, you decided it was best to take a small breather out of the room. And you did, just as you were standing up, the door swung open once again as it gave you another jolt of surprise.

Your eyes locked themselves towards Xukun’s who was breathlessly heaving for air, his eyes were frantic.

When he noticed that you were in class, he didn’t waste any passing moment and walk in bigger steps to get closer to you. You were frozen, still processing the whole situation on what just happened because you know that after lunch, Xukun doesn’t have anymore classes as it was his free time to practice.

It took him only a moment to get to your place, standing across you still heaving for air.

“Make it stop”, he said.

You furrowed your eyes at him in confusion, not grasping the whole situation. “Make what stop?”, you asked him dumbly.

Xukun smiled at you, clearly finding this whole scenario unbelievably funny.

“This”, he pointed to his heart. You swore, it was either you were high in a food coma or what Linkai did still lingers in your mind to even make you think straight. Because out of nowhere, you simply blurted out “You want me to kill you?”.

Xukun stare at you in agape, clearly wondering how you manage to get this oblivious. When he noticed you were serious, he sighed a little.

“We broke up”, he simply said.

“Uh, what?”, you swore you thought you heard him wrong. You refused to believe him, especially since both of them was too struck in love from the beginning. He must be joking, he can’t be serious.

“I broke up with Cheng Xiao”, he said it again.

When he sees that you’re not reacting as you stared at him like his soul was coming out of his body, he knows he had to continue on.

“I’m not in love with her”, he said. You scoffed a little, feeling the adrenaline in you rising as he speaks.

“I thought I was in love with her when I’m only stuck with the thought of being in love with her. I don’t love her that way”, you stare at him. You were by far already very confused in his outburst, but yet decide it was best to leave him be. “I have no time for this lecture from you, I have class in less than—”

“I know Linkai confessed to you”, you sucked in a breath at his words. He knew?

“I met him when I was coming here, he told me”, he smiled sadly. Xukun didn’t know how numb he felt when Linkai told him about the confession happening, that the male actually kissed you also. Xukun only felt the rage building up inside him, yet he felt the scared seeing you slowly slip away from his life.

He didn’t want that, he needs you.

“Don’t leave me”, he pleaded. You only looked at him in confusion, how did both of you manage to get this broken? It was amazing to sense how 4 months ago Xukun was blindly struck by Cheng Xiao and everything crumbles on, leaving you in your own dark cube. Then here he is, begging his way back and pleading for you to stay.

Hurt, you were hurt by him and you don’t know if you are okay with him coming back.

“Go back, Xukun. You’ll miss practice”, you said trying your best to brush him off. But Xukun was more hard-headed than any male in existence. He wasn’t going to let this off easily.

“I’m in love with you”, he blurted out quickly.

You only shake your head slightly, almost laughing by his words. “You’re not. Stop saying things you don’t mean, Xukun”, this time it was you who pleaded back towards him. “You think you’re in love with me when you’re probably still confused by your own feelings, so please. Stop it and go to practice”, you said almost in a whisper.

Xukun stayed silent for a while. It made you thought that he would just forget about it and just go to his part of the building. He stayed, he never left.

“How am I supposed to forget about it when I myself is already afraid seeing you slipped away from me? Do you know how scared I was when you suddenly got back close with Linkai? My mind is always hazy thinking about what will happen if both of you end up together, I would never concentrate on my works because of it.”, he said.

“I know our feelings is mutual, Y/N. Please, stop pushing it away”, he pleaded.

“You left me first, Xukun.”, you said. “You left me for her and never glance back ever since. You always brushed me off like I never existed, throwing us away and now you’re crawling back as if everything is okay”, you said, your voice cracks a little at the end thinking more about it.

You looked at him, pure sadness and sorrow in your eyes. You smiled at him.

“You’re not in love with me, Xukun. You’re just afraid of losing me to Linkai.”, you said.

“I wanted you to be happy, I tried my best to let you stay that way even if it means sacrificing myself. Because for you, everything seems so worth it.”, you whispered out.

“I thought I didn’t mind losing a bit of you at first. But as days passed and I see you’re slipping away, I can’t help but feel the remorse settling in”, you gave him a small smile. “None of that matter, I always pushed my feelings away anyways. Seeing you smile was enough for me.”

Xukun scoffed a little. “Did you know how those 4 months suddenly become dreadful to me?”, he questioned you back. You simply looked at him, in utter confusion.

“I thought I was happy when I’m not, I thought I was in love with her when I’m just clearly confused by the fact I want to fall in love so badly. My mind was constantly thinking its way back at you, imagining how would it be that amazing to have you instead of her by my side—”

“Did you know how many times I’ve compared her to you? Then thinking I’m sinning in that relationship because of you? How many times I reassure myself that I just missed hanging out with you, when I am clearly in love with you but refuse to believe it?”, he choked each words out.

You felt the lump in your throat, you found the whole situation became more than unbearable to bear. You missed him, truly you do. There are no facts to hide that you’re still hopelessly in love with Cai Xu Kun, but what can you do?

“You didn’t just ruin yourself, Y/N”, he said in a mere whisper.

“When you did, you dragged me down with you”, he smiled at you. The same smile that will always reassure you whenever there is a whole other problem in life. “And when you did, you made me fall in love with you”

“For love to work out, both must be willing to sacrifice enough to know the true hardship of keeping it alive. For love to bloom, both must be in equal pain to know what truly lies ahead. For love to work out, both must be ready to accept one another despite mishaps and the ugly past one left. For love, I will and am willing to do it all”, slowly he takes you hand. Caressing it beneath his, the smile still prominent against his feature.

“I’m truly inevitably in love with you, Y/N”

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shmisolo · 7 years

Text

everything stops when i'm with you

wishing the happiest of birthdays to my slytherin mom @ariannenymerosmartell, unto whom i bestow this smut with some plot as an homage to all her glory. read below or on ao3.

she wakes up fucked up next to him.

rey thinks she might still be drunk. which might be a blessing because if she can get enough water into her it might mean she evades the worst hangover she’ll have had since college.

she extracts herself heavily from the bed--he’s still asleep and his arm had been thrown lazily over her stomach as he’d fallen asleep facedown on his bed. his hair looks like they’d fucked really well last night, sticking up on all sides the way it is. (hazily, she remembers holding it as he’d licked at her, tugging it as he’d fucked her, running her hands through it as she’d kissed him. hazily, she remembers thinking he had remarkably soft hair to match the remarkably unsoft...rest of him.) when her feet hit the ground she sits down on the bed, scanning around for socks and shoes because his floor is cold doesn’t the man own a rug? it’s the middle of winter and he lives in chicago. she’s not a wimp about the cold--she’s really not--but cold feet are different from the cold rest of you and her feet are cold.

her shoes, she remembers with a sinking heart, are by the door where she’d kicked them off upon arriving, her lips attached to his as they’d peeled away her uniform, piece by piece. it was probably strewn across the apartment in a track that led to the bedroom.

in the corner, she spies a pair of boots. they’re definitely too big for her, but they’ll do for her purposes so, wincing, she scurries across the floor and sticks her feet in them. then she tiptoes out of his room to find the bathroom where she pees, drinks about five cups of water, and, finally, looks at herself in the mirror.

oh she looks so fucked and it’s incredible. if his hair looks like she’d held it while they’d boned the night before, hers is similarly a mess. some of it’s stuck together--she thinks--from some of his dried precum and there’s about five hickies blooming on her breasts, her neck, her shoulder. she’d be annoyed at him except she remembers how fucking obscene his lips are and how the only thing she’d wanted from him was those lips, on her, always, anywhere he felt was appropriate. or inappropriate.

she washes her face, because she hadn’t the night before and she still has work makeup on (god had she really not taken that off?) before clicking off the light in the bathroom and turning back to the bedroom. a little clock in the bathroom tells her it’s still before noon and she doesn’t have to be back at the airport until five pm for her flight to japan and if she’s going to fly a plane halfway around the world tonight she’s at the very least going to see if this...kylo. she’d screamed that how many times last night? kylo wants to make her scream again.

he’s awake when she comes into the room, no longer lying on his stomach and as she’s getting ready to kick off his boots, he says, “don’t,” raspily and she freezes.

he’s watching her, drinking her in, and she cocks her head at him. his eyes drip across the bruises on her neck to her breasts to the dark thatch between her legs, then down to his boots before rising again, just as lazily until he locks eyes with her.

“get over here,” he breathes.

and she does.

rey’s routes don’t take her through chicago all too frequently. she’s usually international out of new york, because that’s where she lives, and domestic without enough time spent in chicago to really justify getting too far away from o’hare between her flights. that’s never bothered her before now. she likes chicago fine as far as cities go, and the bar scene is pretty good, but she’d never had a steady “hey i’m in town let’s fuck” the way she does in most of the other cities she flies through.

that changes with kylo.

he lives along the lake with an unreal view out of his window over the water and all rey can think is that he has to have a lot of money if he can afford a place like this. a place like this probably is like twelve million a month in new york. he’d probably shudder at the size of her apartment in queens--and that she has to share it with three other people.

the next time she’s got a night in chicago, though, he fucks her against the window of his apartment, her face pressed against the glass and staring out at the wide blue water as his cock fills her in just the right way so that she’s trembling and moaning much more quickly than she usually is.

it’s not that rey’s not a sentimental person. she’s very sentimental with her friends, and would do anything for the people in her life that choose her. it comes, she’s sure even if she can’t afford a therapist right now, from the childhood abandonment. but that hasn’t ever really extended to the people she fucks when she’s passing through different cities. feeling good physically and feeling good emotionally don’t have to come from the same person, and in rey’s experience it shouldn’t.

so when she’s next in chicago, she’s surprised when kylo’s response to her hey are you around tonight?

dinner?

to be clear, dinner is preceding our usual, right?

yes. i figured it was time i took you out.

thanks for all the sex?

if you want. or the usual sort of dinner with someone you periodically fuck.

getting sentimental?

he doesn’t reply to that immediately, and when she turns her phone back on after a smooth landing at o’hare, the text she has from him is a restaurant and a time. it’s not super fancy so you don’t nec have to change unless you want to.

she doesn’t have anything to change into, so she doesn’t, but she does take the lapel pin from the airline off the jacket as well as the neckerchief because she knows better than to be recognized as an employee of the airline when she’s out on the town.

“hello,” she says when she reaches the table, bending and kissing him, drawing his lower lip between hers and sucking it slightly. “hope i didn’t keep you waiting.”

he shrugs. there’s already wine on the table and he pours some of the bottle into her glass. “flight ok?” he asks her.

“yeah. the landing was smooth and there wasn’t much turbulence.”

“where are you off to next?” he asks.

“i’m co-piloting to dubai tomorrow afternoon.” he blinks, and she recognizes the look in his eyes. “you thought i was a stewardess.”

“i did make that assumption, yes,” he says slowly.

“everyone does,” she replies. “it helps nothing that my name sounds like ‘ray’ so everyone assumes i’m a guy when i fly anyway.”

“where’d you learn to fly?” he asks her. “marines?”

“air force,” she replies and he looks impressed. there’s something in his expression that makes her ask, “did you serve?”

“marines,” he replies with a crooked smile and there it is. “i flew helicopters.”

“nice,” rey beams at him.

“yeah, the ptsd from news choppers is delightful.” his voice is dry and he takes a sip of wine, and rey understands that. she understands that way too well. she reaches her hand across the table and takes his, rubbing her thumb across the side of his hand. his eyes grow soft at the contact and god he has such lovely rich brown eyes she’s drowning in them.

she’s never drowned in eyes before.

she’d accused him, jokingly, of getting sentimental when he’d asked her to dinner.

she’d thought it was playful, thought it was funny, thought it was a reminder that sure, they fuck really well every few months, but that’s really all they are.

but leaving him the next day makes her heart wrench for some reason, and when she lands in dubai half a world away, for the first time in her life, she texts someone who isn’t finn to say, landed safely.

finn always wants to know that she landed safely. he worries too much.

kylo’s response is immediate.

glad to hear it.

and her heart swells at the four little words on her screen.

landed safely turns into selfies she takes while delayed due to inclement weather, to pictures of the bars she’s visiting and oddly not picking people up in, to skylines that she takes from the cockpit.

he always replies quickly, sometimes with a joke, sometimes with something longer.

he texts her about work--he works in tech and she knows nothing about tech but somehow he makes it easy to understand--pictures of the food he’s eating, the beer he’s drinking. he texts her--probably drunkenly--at 2am sometimes about how angry he gets about his dad, and how he doesn’t know how to look his mom in the face and how he feels so lonely because he’s not the kind of guy that just...has friends.

she texts him about her parents, about abandonment, about the friends who’ve chosen her over the years and how wonderful they are but how they don’t fill that aching, gaping hole that she doesn’t matter, that she won’t matter, that she’s nothing.

not to me, he responds fiercely. you’re not alone.

neither are you.

after that particular exchange, she slips three fingers inside herself and pretends it’s him until she comes, then cries herself to sleep into her pillow wishing he were there in nashville with her.

that is a jarring thing to wake up from.

she’s not the type of girl to get attached to a guy like this. she’s never been the kind of girl who dreams of the white picket fence and the white dress and the white veil and “until death do us part.” she’s the kind of girl who flies around the world, picks up guys in bars, fucks them for the kick of it, and then flies off without a word, on to the next adventure. for particularly good fucks, she keeps their number in case they’re interested again. but crying herself to sleep because some guy in chicago is telling her she’s not alone?

that’s new.

that’s scary.

but rey is also determined--always--to be brave. she has to be. it’s how she got this far. but the emotional exposure of it all is possibly the most terrifying part of all this, and scarier by far than anything else she’s gone through in years.

but on her next weekend off, she flies as a passenger to chicago and texts him from laguardia before she takes off.

i’m in chicago this weekend. are you free?

a whole weekend? how’d that get scheduled?

are you?

yeah. stay at my place.

that’s the hope.

text me when you land.

always.

when she arrives at his apartment that night, he takes in her lack of uniform, the shoulder bag that is not industry standard and he frowns slightly, visibly confused.

“i,” she begins, taking a deep breath, “i wanted to see you.” and she steps forward towards him, stands on the tips of her toes and kisses him softly and if there isn’t a dumb shiver that goes down her spine and everything.

his hands come up to cup her face and he nudges his nose against hers.

“is this getting a little too real?” she whispers to him between kisses. they’re still standing in his doorway.

“don’t worry,” he murmurs back. “i feel it too.”

she wraps her arm around his neck, pulling herself more closely to him, her other hand coming up to rest on his chest.

she’s used to fucking him--hard and fast. she’s used to fucking him until he’s bruised her cervix, probably, or until she’s so raw she feels it in the cockpit the next day. but when he takes her into his bedroom this time, his kisses are slow, his hands are gentle as he helps her out of her clothes, and when he’s hovering over her body, his eyes are overbright in a way that makes her heart stop. she kisses that quivering lower lip of his, cupping his face in her hands and she wants nothing more than to drown in his big, brown eyes until she forgets where in the universe she is because the only thing that matters is that he’s there with her now.

she trails her fingers along his spine, feeling the now-familiar waves of his muscles that criss-cross his back, and his lips leave hers and he’s buried his face in her neck, breathing heavily as he sucks at the skin there. she curves her legs around his hips and squeezes her arms around him and holds him while he kisses her, while he trembles there in her arms, and she runs her nose along the curve of his neck, pressing lazy, open-mouthed kisses there as her heart hammers in her chest.

fucking has never been intimate for her before--beyond the physical, anyway. she knows that’s changing and her heart is hammering in her throat because she’d flown to chicago to see him, and now he’s here in her arms, and she never wants to let him go.

he kisses his way back across her face to her lips again, and his lips are so slow against hers and she’d never felt her stomach lurch the way it does at the slowness of his kiss, at the way his tongue rubs gently against hers. she’s never felt this breathless from something that was requiring so little exertion on her part. she breaks the kiss and rests her forehead against his, and listens to the sound of his breath.

then, she rolls him over, crouching over him on her knees and pulling his lower lip between her teeth once again. she rolls over him, her stomach rubbing against his stomach, her breasts rubbing against his chest, her cunt running along the length of his shaft, and heat igniting in her like the dawning of the day as her fingers rub through that soft, dark hair that she so loves to hold when she’s fucking him. his hand slides down between them and she feels his fingers on her clit, circling it lightly, twisting it gently between two fingers in a way that makes her shudder, makes her moan.

he smiles against her lips and slides a finger inside her, knowing that that does little more than tease her because one finger hasn’t been enough in years. she bites at his lip even as he does it, which only makes him snort and slow the movement of his fingers. she whines, and stops moving completely because if he’s going to tease she is too, and when she pulls her lips away from his, pulls her face back to look at him, his eyes are on her and he looks...well he looks like he’s in love.

rey sits up and he drinks her in. she slides back so she’s sitting just over his groin, feeling how hot and hard he is against her slit now. she takes him in her hand and his eyes flutter because her grip is just the right amount of firm for him and she rubs what she’s dripped on him over his skin, circling his tip lightly until his dick twitches in her hand and he lets out a groan, low in his throat. she raises herself up slightly and locks eyes with him as she pulls his tip towards her entrance, dipping him into the wetness of her until she finds just the right spot, then sinks down onto him with a sigh, her eyes closing, her lips spreading into a smile.

this is what it’s supposed to feel like. every time--it’s supposed to feel like she’s full, like she’s wanted, like there’s no room for emptiness in the world, much less in either of them. she begins to rock her hips, and she bites her lip because she loves riding him, loves the way this angle works for her, loves knowing that, when his hands come to her hips, his eyes are open and he’s watching her, watching them fuck.

But his hands don’t come to her hips. She feels him shift underneath her and then he’s sitting up, his arms around her back, briefly for balance, then moving again so that he can cup her face between his hands as he kisses her again. When she opens her eyes, she sees any number of things flash in his eyes, but the one he lands on is the one that causes him to flip her over and bring her legs up over his shoulders as his hips start bucking into her wildly, except not wildly. wildly implies that he’s lost control, and he hasn’t. his hips are purposeful, his gaze above her is intense, and when she comes apart her heart and body and mind are so full of him that she feels everything that much more sharply, that much more deeply.

he doesn’t outlast her by much, and when he collapses on top of her, she runs her hair through his hair--now sweaty--and kisses his shoulder. he is heavy, and she breathes deeply as she feels his heart beating hard and fast against her chest, and she smiles because she’s still aftershocking, still twitching against his dick as they lie there, together in one another’s arms.

when he does roll off her, pull out of her, she curls up against his chest, tilting her face up to kiss him. and when she drifts off to sleep, she feels the same way she does every time lifts-off--like this was the way she was meant to live.

#ariannenymerosmartell #reylo fic #reylo fanfic #reylo #fic #remember when i was gonna write an axg au inspired by this song?#and how that didn't happen #WELP HERE WE GO #THIS PAIRING WORKS WAY BETTER IMO #LOVE YOU ARI HAVE A GR10 BDAY <3 #i post this 4 u 2 read on ur way 2the airport (apt tbh)#enjoy harry potter world my lovely #(idk what their ages are deal with it lol)#ben solo cries during sex pass it on #right in front of my salad #1h

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djgwritings · 4 years

Photo

Revisiting my longwinded DJG is DONE ... as it was written in 2011.

It's best to pass the torch while it's still burning ...

Ten years ago I started a design odyssey. I knew going in my intent to be quite foolish financially, but I trusted my heart. After telling a great designer my scheme he coldly told me to starve, and to do it many times over. And I did. I have. Authentic advice served cold even when paid in food at times! But, the art has heart, I told myself, and that is much more rewarding. I truly believe it still has something pumping beneath as I find this when I'm left alone to my relationship radioing in to something higher. And it means the world when others find and feel that with me in the cluttered world we're in. But, sometimes the heart and life have other things in mind. I love making art. It's the only thing I really can do and feel like I should do. Unfortunately, I just can't really do it as a business or as a full throttle self-promoter, at least not the way I have been and in these always fast changing times. It sucks something from me every time I try. And to the best of my abilities, I've given it a good try.

But, it's not just that. The industry of graphic design has swept me under it's fast flying digital magic carpet, causing me to question what I'm doing and why I'm still doing it as the stuff I really want to do is lagging behind. Heck, anyone who can work a computer now is a designer and it's gotten to the point where I'm no longer needed. Not a bad thing, but I'm in a position where my work prefers a street life, not a screen one. Also, as we all know, the music landscape has changed drastic since I started and that was my initial plug. Not without benefit in proper hands, but computers and computer things have me less and less enthused as does the vast majority of graphic arts in the digital age. It's neat to share but ultimately I feel I missed a step in evolution. iDon't have it in me. I've felt distant from many things my whole life and began feeling distant to art and design when I was first put on a computer. But, I found a way back to finding my reason for making in the first place and used the computer as just another tool in the toy box. All of this isn't a bad thing and has lent itself to my make table, but it has also hindered me in certain areas to act upon professionally, to do this for other people, to keep trying to do this for a living as computers and people become one. Recently, I've never felt more disenfranchised by all of this as well as simply by the changing of the design guard and what I'm saying on the inside. Where others would build strength in the form of some little neck of their own woods (and maybe I have thus far), I'm better off changing things up than adapting.

I whispered behind a broom at 22 that if I gave graphic design a good push to 30 and still couldn't break over the day job hump, then it might be time to hang it up or to really go solo with my own art thing. Trying to make art for others while working full time day jobs (and at times night jobs on top of those) and trying to keep it all even at the game of life has caused a boil in me. There have even been times where it's been detrimental to my health and relationships. At 32, and in my tenth year of doing what it is I do, I now feel I need to reinvent myself artistically. A voice in me feels finalized after several years of struggling with this. Just yesterday, it felt right for me to admit this and sign the inner dotted dangled line.

I've never considered myself a quitter, rather a listener to what is changing inside of me. Ultimately, this has been more challenging to me than the state of design. Though, graphic design hasn't come without it's challenges in certain areas. To be quite truthful, a lack of creativity has never been one of these. I just can't find enough valuable resources of time and energy to do it for anyone other than myself. Trying to devote what little time I've got to thinly butter others' bread has become the constant burden for me. I do the most with what I can yet it's never enough, it can also lead to disappointed parties. And all the while I have to keep extending a leash to the personal projects I'd rather be doing. With certain freedoms I have managed to make every project somewhat personal, however there is still a responsibility to client, and even viewer, that I feel can't be fulfilled if I keep it dragging on as I am. There is great disappointment in not fulfilling another man's dream, let alone your own.

This is all not to say I haven't fulfilled for others nor have been fulfilled personally in the past 10 years. I think it's fair to admit I've done a pretty good job given my circumstances and conditions. I've met many amazing people who've offered many amazing opportunities. Thank you for bobbing for me and at times believing in me more than I do. Thank you to the few bad apples too. I've worked (somewhat) hard and produced a pile of work that I'm proud of. And a pile of work possibly contained within it's own little footnote of a footnote. The work has traveled more than it's creator. I'm thankful for those who have found something worthwhile, even to the extent of a smile, and those who have expressed great interest around the globe via publishing, interview, exhibition or simply kind words of encouragement. I will continue to honor these areas of the work. I will continue to showcase the work that has brought me to this point in the journey and beyond. I am currently seeking exhibition and self-publishing to get the collective work out and about in new ways.

So, why the long-winded explanation? I stink at editing and I've been tinkering with this thing for weeks. Partly so, but I feel obligated to those who have stuck with me so they know where I'm at (and if you're in need of a designer for a project, I know some good ones). I feel good with my decision and transformation as if something has been lifted and feel best putting it out in the open. My nature could easily just walk away without a peep, but I don't want to do that to you. I will continue to create and thread my voice as a visual artist. I'm extremely excited about this and have already completed many new pieces, which for now will pile up for me and be featured publicly at a later date. All of the design work I have accomplished has pointed towards more of a working artist since day one making original art that then transformed into design, so it's nothing really new. My new endeavors may even trickle to choice personal projects with others where and whom I see fit, but nothing will be forced. Design will always be there even as it frustrates me in every confusing restaurant menu, updated logo or new technology. It's a lovely poison like that. But, it's one I need to quit nursing on for a while or at least fuse it into my expression elsewhere. Trying to make it as a working artist with a day job and life stuff is no doubt as challenging as designer, but I'll just leave it to the mercy of the day to day. And if that never takes off, then so be it. I will still have my art and time for me and it will be easier. It opens up time to commit to myself rather than keep others waiting. This new work will be made and released under my real name or at times another. I just know I'll do my best and continue to be me, whom I'm trying to work on daily.

-Danny Joe Gibson / Feb. 2011

Photos: DJG, 2021

For the Record: The “great designer” who told me to starve was Art Chantry!

#djgdesign

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laundryandtaxes · 7 years

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Hey, sorry if this is a bad question to be asking (or if you're a bad person to be asking about it), but do you have any thoughts on "amab" (for want of a better term here) re-/de-identification? Your thoughts on dysphoria and gender and so on have been helpful (thanks, btw!) but seeing as most/all gender stuff is asymmetric (being defined by power and whatnot), I'm kind wondering what this means w/r/t amab folks considering some sort of transition vs. living as (dysphoric) cis men.

First of all, no problem at all wrt sending me this question! It’s not a bad thing to ask at all.

You certainly have fewer options for community, which sucks. But I don’t think you’re in a very uncommon place- I think men just typically don’t politicize (dislike that term, but you get the idea) their experiences of disidentifying and reidentifying the same way, and I think that for most men the process of disidentifying itself is less immediately harmful to their understanding of themselves. What I mean is that I know several people who identify as amab nb or something but date as gay men, acknowledge that their life circumstances are those of gay men, and don’t really have any issue with it- for them, disidentification is about rejection of male social roles and often heterosexuality, but it doesn’t always come with an understanding of themselves as not functionally men. By contrast, many people who identify as afab nb are deeply offended by lesbians expressing sexual interest in them, do not see place for themselves in women’s spaces, etc. I know (that I know of) two reidentified men and more reidentified and detransitioned women than I can count, and for the first group (while I have a small sample) they were usually impacted the same way by contemporary “male= masculine” gender stuff that impacted women like myself who disidentified for years, but most of them express less trauma around that, or weren’t as hurt by it, or don’t feel that they were pressured specifically because they were being hated as gnc people. So there are different contexts for sure, is what I’m getting at. And I think the fact that for reidentified women, disidentification usually corresponds with childhood gender nonconformity and problems around that, issues around being attracted to other women in a queer culture that takes issue with that, inability to see ourselves as impacted by misogyny because we weren’t feminine, etc, women generally need more community around that. Which isn’t to say that you don’t! I just think a lot of men don’t crave it in the same sense.

I’m not sure, based on your ask, whether you are considering reidentifying or considering transition. What I generally tell people is just to talk to as many people as possible about it while thinking about it really intently because it’s a serious decision. So I tell most people “Talk to a bunch of women who are reidentified, talk to a bunch of trans guys, see the tons of common ground there, and just try to figure out what feels best for you.” Because of fewer men speaking out about their experiences, you’ll certainly have fewer detransitioned or reidentified men to talk to, but there are several YouTubers whose accounts could be useful to you there who’ve talked about their detransitions (I dunno of any who reidentified but never medically transitioned) publicly and that could certainly help.

I do not oppose transition, and I have never advocated making transition more difficult for people to access. I just think that “informed consent” means actually informed, which means talking to multiple perspectives and being careful- for instance, anyone (and there are maaaaaaaaaaany people who do) who still thinks binding can be done “safely” and without harming the body, likely permanently, is just not informed, and would know better if they listened to women like myself who bound “safely” for years and still have issues from it. That’s a problem. It’s a problem when a lot of young women genuinely feel that living as a gender nonconforming woman isn’t an option because nobody around them is doing it anymore because they don’t see anyone do it because it’s so discouraged and stigmatized. But it is your body and what you decide to do with it is absolutely nobody’s call but yours- so I don’t think, like some feminists think, that choosing transition is being weak or some nonsense like that, and I think it’s the best choice for many, many people. It’s also worth noting that, when women detransition, a lot of T effects can be permanent or take years to subside, whereas I think you will generally have an easier time hormonally detransitioning unless you get an orchiectomy or barring some unusual hormone levels already existing for you- you might also find that you’re happy with certain hormone effects and don’t really want them to go away, just like several women I know are quite happy with some things they did while transitioning that they cannot undo. That isn’t to say I think you should take it lightly, but it’s nobody’s call but yours what you do with your own body.

This got long because I wanted to give you a real answer, but thanks for reaching out! I would search online- there have got to be forums specifically for dysphoric men about that experience, and even if they are no longer active they might be a good place to start reading other people’s experiences. If you’re a reidentifying/ed man and want to reach out to this anon, please go ahead and reply so that the anon can reach out to you!

#Anonymous

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tellywoodtrash · 7 years

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Ok, so before I ask you my question, I just wanna say thank you so so much for making my day 10 times better every day and for making me laugh with your daily analysis of each episode. You rock, so much. Anyway, my question is, what is Ishqbaaaz to you? Is it something you watch to unwind, or laugh? How do you feel about the relationship you've formed with the characters on the show?

Hi anon!

Oh man, how to put this in words…? Ok, firstly I have to talk about the blog a little bit. This wasn’t intended to be an Ishqbaaaz blog, per se. It still isn’t. It’s a place to talk about all the Tellywood I have consumed, and whatever I will consume in the future, and my opinions on the medium in general. It’s mostly focused on Ishqbaaaz now coz that’s the only thing I’m watching right now. Not to beat a dead horse or to bore those who’ve been here for a long time and know the backstory already, but I was going through a tough time in life, and felt like I just needed to do something for ME during it, to keep myself from going insane. Ishqbaaaz had just started airing, and I thought it’d be a good distraction for half an hour a day. I didn’t have anyone to discuss the show with, and I really wanted to stay away from the soul sucking hellhole that is India-Forums, so I decided to do these little basic liveblogs here since I had this space anyway. It was just a form of journaling of sorts, doing a kind of a brain dump to get out all the thoughts I had while watching. I never thought that people would actually read these!

When I get praise for the liveblogs, I feel like a little bit of a fraud… Because all I’m doing is LITERALLY just sharing the first damn thing that flits through my mind while watching the show. It’s like getting praised for… thinking my normal thoughts? I mean sure, these days I put in SOME work into them esp. presentation-wise; it takes about double the time to watch an episode - now with the episodes being 40 min, it takes me at least 3 hours to watch & type out/proofread/edit an lb start to finish (as opposed to the first few liveblogs which were literally just a list of bullet points with no emojis or pics or anything.) I’m not trying to be overly self deprecating or humble or anything, but I just find it so unbelievable and amazing that people seem to like my UNFILTERED personality so much? I’m just THINKING here. I’m sure everyone is, when they watch anything. But *i* get praised for it? And people want to know MY opinions on this thing that I like? It’s just mind boggling to me. All I can say to everyone who engages with this blog, is THANK YOU. The words “thank you” seem awfully small and hollow to express how I feel about how much love the blog has gotten (I’ve been on Tumblr since 2009, but this blog, in less than a year, has almost caught up to the # of followers I have on my main!) but they’re all I can say. Thank you. 💖💖💖

*latkaofies 🍋🌶nimbu mirchi🌶🍋 at the top of the blog and puts a •kala teeka• behind its ear to keep the nazar away*

Coming to the show now. See, I’m aware it’s not a GREAT show. I don’t want anyone to be under the impression that I’m blind or oblivious to that fact, just because I spend so much time on it. It has a lot of issues. It’s been created by a team that I quite frankly, share a love-hate relationship with. (Mostly hate.) From a technical aspect, the show is kind of a hot mess - editing, dubbing, set and costume design and styling, etc. The writing is somewhat shoddy, and it’s pretty obvious the writing team are making it up as they go, as opposed to having defined story and character arcs. And don’t even get me started on the garbage they’re showing us from a societally responsible POV. But overall, I still love this trashfire of a show? It genuinely entertains me (and makes me feel a myriad of feelings, from happy to emotional to sad to shippy) on a daily basis. The characters feel like… part of my life now. They’re like these problematic friends/family members, whose opinions/life choices I absolutely do not agree with, but I still can’t stop loving them and wanting them to be happy. I find every single one of them compelling (even the kinda badly written ones like Shakti and Pinky; but not Prinku. She can choke, idgaf.) and I love scrutinizing their thoughts and choices. Although I’m aware that the show is being written in a very reactionary (to TRP and fan sentiments) manner these days, as of now I am looking forward to analyzing the show once again whenever it’s finished airing*, to see how the plot lines and characters stand up as a complete product.

(*Please note that I am awfully fickle, and this may never materialize if I lose interest in the show, as I do in most other things in life.)

Overall, this show and blog are a scheduled sort of “me time” outside of REAL LIFE and its responsibilities and blah blah blah. It provides me structure and routine, which is important in helping me manage my depression and anxiety. It’s my way of self care, ironic as that is; you’d think that if I REALLY cared about myself, I’d watch a better show, lol. But I love my trash show, and all the amazing people that this blog brought me, and this is my little happy space, where it’s just me and my thoughts. No filter.

#ishqbaaz #ishqbaaaz #about tellywoodtrash #answered #tt answers

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ramzie · 5 years

Text

I’ve done it to myself.

I've never had an identity for myself throughout my life due to me surrounding myself around people who decided to label with whatever title or stereotype they felt was befitting to me and my inability to express myself. I've always been know as "XXXX's black friend" throughout high school and college which made me felt more like a background character or someone to make other friends look "cool" rather than an individual with their own personality, taste, and goals. But every time I would try express my interests with passion, be it metal, anime, gaming, dreams of becoming a pianist and author of a fantasy novel, It would always end in ridicule because it never aligned with my racial stereotype, especially from other people within my race.

Today, I only have three genuine friends who lives miles apart that actually treats me like a human rather than a prop. But even as someone who felt like an outcast, I've never found that group of people or a family where we've all had difficult lives and support one another by sharing similar interests and comfort. Most nerdy people I've encountered were either too shy to engage in conversation with me, wanted nothing to do with me, or never took me seriously as someone that is into the same unconventional stuff as they were since I seem like a normal person on the outside. People gravitated towards me because they found me funny and quirky. But that was it. Just "XXX's weird quirky and funny black friend". I was never picky in how I've befriended people. I was very open to being around a group of people who didn't share similar interests but could learn from them when interacting and exchanging ideas with people of vastly different backgrounds from mine. The problem was that I never had anyone that was "like" me, or at the very least, shared the similar views or morals as me and actually understands my needs and wants. So I would get a bunch of people who would cross boundaries and don't appreciate me for who I am. Rather, they enjoyed the "idea" of me. The idea of a quirky black kid who they weren't afraid to push around.

I had a best friend I've met in high school whom I was very close with. We barely have anything in common. Him, a white country boy from the south who enjoys the outdoors whose more conservative, and me, a black kid who grew up from an inner city neighborhood and enjoys staying indoors playing MMOs and watching anime for hours. Despite the disparity, we still clicked and did almost everything together. He was a lot more popular than I was and gotten a lot of attention from girls since he went through like, 2 - 3 girlfriends a month. I've always seen him as average looking, but its his confidence and extroverted personality that drew a lot of people towards him. I was never bothered by this at all, honestly. I've never saw him as competition or someone overshadowing me. He wouldn't stop hanging out with me despite all the attention he was getting and would always try to make room in his schedule to spend time with me, and I was grateful for that. However, there were many flaws about him that bothered me but I've brushed past since I was too insecure to confront him and end our friendship.

When its just the two of us or someone that we both know well, everything is chill. But when there's a group of people we don't know that well, especially with girls, he starts acting like a douche. Like...really douchey. As teenagers we didn't know how to handle our masculinity, and he was the worst at it. He'd do stupid shit like try to wrestle me on the ground, push me to the ground, yell at me, ect. Usually when we're together with friends we know, we'd joke around throwing insults at one another since we're just dudes having fun. I'm usually the one who receive most of the jokes since I sometimes come off as ditzy and a clumsy, but again, we're guys. With strangers, I feel like I'm part of a circus. They make jokes, but ones that hit my insecurities. He would always make it apparent that I'm the only black guy at whatever party or place they're at and say how I'm the 'whitest' person he's met by making fun of the things I'm passionate about. The same things we've spent time enjoying together. Other people would just glare or stare at me awkwardly, while my other friends would just join in the public shaming. It was like they've become completely different people when we're meeting new people. Over time the jokes and insults became harsher and more racist. I know I should've cut ties with them at this point, but I was a teenager, and a boy who've taken an emotional beating throughout his life. I didn't take these insults personally, even if they seemed racist. The problem was that I didn't know how to differentiate between someone who was joking around or just straight up mocking me, and I didn't want to seem like someone who's emotionally vulnerable. I didn't realize as time went one, these instances would slowly strip away my sense of pride and individuality. I was there to make other people look good. But again, I was too blind to see.

Everything culminated when me, my best friend, and 3 others kids we knew were playing basketball in our neighborhood park. With me being black and being trash at sports, I was obviously a target for jokes. I didn't mind since we were all trash and threw insults back at them. We kept playing until some kid came up to us and offered to play. He was decked in basketball gear and a jersey showing that he plays competitively on a team from his school. My best friend and him seem to know each other and didn't mind letting him play a few games with us. Of course he dusted all of us, but he specifically targeted me. Mind you, he's white and bigger than me. He'll always steal the ball away from me, dribble around me for minutes, does layups, whatever, anything to make me look awful. He'd say things like "I can't believe I'm witnessing a black kid who can't play ball". and of course, my friends and best friend would join in the public lynching. The basketball star continued to show off around me while my friends would yell at me for being useless at everything. Then the player said "come on cotton picker, I know you can do better than this". You'd think all of my friends would gasp at hearing this. But no. They've continued. "The whitest fucking kid", "hurry up cotton picker!", "stop wasting our time", "why is he even here???". The champion would even grab me during a game, preventing me from moving and continued to say racist things to me while telling me to just go home. At this point, I wanted to beat the shit out of him. But besides not being strong enough, I told myself not to get into anymore fights since I wanted to leave that life behind from my days of New York. After reminding me that everything about me is a disappointment, Mr. champion left and we did too. It was quiet. Then one of the spoke up: "I can't believe he said all those things to (me)". and my best friend replied casually "yeah I guess".

I've never spoke for the rest of the day. Not even to my parents or siblings. I just sat in my room staring at my wall and realizing my place in the world. It was my first time realizing that maybe, just maybe, I might be hanging out with the wrong kind of people. I wish I could tell you of some heroic moment where I finally stood up for myself, got back at my bullies, or confronted people for being fake and taking advantage of me. But none of that happens. Not once. I was just an insecure mess back then. I still saw my best friend back then from time to time, but this time I was a lot more cautious of his actions, and less willing to hang out with him around others. High School finally ended and we went our separate ways. Distance wasn't a detriment to us since we still kept in contact on facebook along with others I was friends with in high school. Sometimes we've hung out, but it was like once every 2 or 3 years due to me being in college and him joining the marines. He was still a dick, but he wasn't as hyper-masculine as before. I was the optimist that believed people change overtime. That if I developed and seen the error of my ways from my years as a teen and beyond, then other people I haven't seen from years would too. Well....

One night on new years, we and a few old high school buddies decided to have a bite a hooters to celebrate our birthdays since we're a week apart, and my departure to New York. We drinked, laughed, had fun, ect. He complemented on how good I now look and how much I've changed. Then we decided to go meet up with some other people to have a little house party. I decided to come and didn't think twice since I've left all the bad memories from high school behind me. We've went and I was met with a house full of rednecks, country music, walls decked out in confederate flags, and awkward stares from all of them. Of course I felt out of place since all I wore was a leather jacket, band t-shirt and dark pants, but I didn't let it try to stop me from having fun. There was a pool table and I know for a fact none of us know how to play pool. But my best friend decided to try and immediately challenged me. I said 'what the hell' and did. I had no idea what I was doing, and my best friend sucked ass too, but he knew a lot more than me, and made it clear to everyone that I didn't know what I was doing instead to trying to dissolve the awkwardness. Everyone watched as we played, with him insulting my skill. Then he went for my race, why I'm awkward, why I dress weird, etc. and my other friend joined in. Everyone else just kept quiet. Staring as once again, I've became their punching bag. The night ended, and I just left without notice.

From there I've just stopped using social media or any kind of interaction from people I've known from high school. He kept sending me comments and sending me friend invites on various platforms such as instagram, but I never followed through. I told myself if I was going to develop as a human, I'm going to have to cut ties with 99% of my 'friends'. Again, I should've seen this miles away, especially since I've had a friend before him that treated me like dirt. It was back in New York where I just didn't trust anyone since I was surrounded by awful kids who didn't had a future and cared little for it. I've known this one kid since I was 3 and we've been best friends since. But he has his own can of issues. Insecurity, jealously, anger, cowardice, conformity, ect. He's also a narcissist, like.... a full blown one. We'd always compete with one another as kids at almost anything, but he would thrown tantrums whenever he'd lose. I know you're thinking, "They're just kids". Yes, but now that I have 2 extreme cases of people not changing from the monster they were in grade school, you'd be surprised. He's a manchild, lets put it at that. The only reason I've known him for so long because his family is like a second family to me due to us sharing similar cultural backgrounds. His brothers and friends with mine, my mom is friends with his, ect. He was like a younger brother to me. Of course he would thrown insults at me out of the blue and go for things such as my weight, teeth ect. I used to fear him but now as an adult, I just see him as a joke. He still brags about what little money he has, how growing up in a rough neighborhood made him a 'gangster', ect. What really bothers me about him is that he still believes that I'm still as insecure and uncomfortable with myself as he is, or at least, as I were years ago. These days I'm a lot more expressive in my outfits by trying to dress alternatively, but he would try to make fun of me for it by saying stuff like I'm putting a target on my back for people on the street to berate or beat up for. He'd also use it as a crutch to say that I'm not a real black person, and that I'm just a sellout. I know most of the shit he said were stupid, but I was depressed at the time after losing my apartment, moving back in with my mom, having very little money to support myself, and taking verbal abuses at work. The last time I saw him was when he was getting bitched at by his mom for sagging his pants. After that, I cut him off.

Toxic friendships are complicated, especially as a guy who took years learning to regulate his emotions and was never taught how defend themselves from people who take advantage of you. I've known these people for nearly my entire life and it took a lot of strength and self beating to tell myself to cut them off completely. Like I sad, I've never gotten a sweet taste of revenge like most people do, but all I can do is think twice before labeling someone as a friend. Know I'm alone. I do have one best friend whom I've known since elementary and has always been genuine and thoughtful for me ever since. We still see each other from time to time, but our schedules and goals make it difficult for us. He's also popular since he's an artist, but I feel like he rightfully earned it since he never let his ego get the best of him. He's just as nerdy as me, but he got out of his comfort zone way earlier than me and people gravitated towards him for it. When I'm around him and his friends, I don't feel out of place or just "XXX's black friend" not because there are other black people in his group, but also because the attention isn't drawn towards me, and whenever I feel left out, he would always make the effort to make me feel validated. But I can't rely on him all the time for social contact. We're busy, we give each other space, and we're both aware of that.

These days I would go for weeks or months without talking to anyone besides a few family members and people at work. It's understandable if you believe that I deserve to be in this position for not realizing that I have the worst case of friend picking skills. But perhaps it's best if I just stay in solitude for now. If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. This is merely the words of a weary soul who've made way too many mistakes to see any progress.

#me

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liberallifeblog · 8 years

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Your First Colonoscopy! What to Expect

Whee! Time for a Tube Up Your Tuchus!

image: wikimedia commons

By Crabby McSlacker So, some perspective here: for people with serious illnesses who've been through hardcore, painful, debilitating, invasive medical procedures? A colonoscopy is probably child's play. (Although let's be clear, that's just an expression. If your child actually plays this way? We need to talk). But for most people, there's at least a little trepidation. And for many, if statistics are to be believed, that fear is significant enough to skip the procedure entirely! Well sure, it could save your life and all, but really? Do you have to? There are actually some alternative colon cancer screening methods. But since I didn't get to use one of them myself, discussion of these will be brief, and possibly a little bitter. I've had a couple of colonoscopies now. (And an additional bowel prep due to my hysterectomy.) My second colonoscopy was just a few days ago and the memories are still fresh. So I'm thinking it's time to share some info and observations and tips? This is after all, a health blog, although with recent posts on tattoos and winter travel, it's easy to miss that part. Here's the thing: for some people the whole colonoscopy thing is a breeze. For a very few unlucky folks: it's horrible. For most people I know, myself included: the procedure and the prep are somewhere in the middle. Decidedly unpleasant but not intolerable. But being a whiner myself, I get tired of all those public-spirited accounts of the colonoscopy process that make it sound entirely innocuous in order to get you to go ahead and get yours. I'm not going to lie to you just to make sure you go do it. You need to and you will be really glad you did it! But it's not exactly fun. Here's at least one chronic complainer's take on what's involved. And for those of you who have already joined this exclusive club? I'll be curious if your experience was similar or if there are all kinds of different colonoscopy experiences. Warning: due to mature and disgusting subject matter, reader discretion is advised.

Why You Should Suck it Up and Get a Colonoscopy (or Other Screening Test)

According to the NIH, colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the United States. This blows me away, considering how slow-growing and preventable colon cancer generally is. And while overall rates are going down because of better screening, rates in people under 50 are going up. Environmental toxins? Diet? Bad karma? Who knows, but it means that screening, and even early screening, are more important than ever.

What Are Some Alternatives to Colonoscopy to Screen for Colon Cancer?

Home Stool-Testing Options: These include FIT (fecal immunochemical test) and Colorguard. There are pretty obvious upsides to not having to prep your bowels, get doped up with sedatives, and have a stranger ram a scope up your butt to see what lurks inside. But the downsides include less accuracy, and a need for more frequent testing. Do you want to send in a smear of your poop to a lab every year? (Or, in the case of the pricier ColorGuard test, every three years?) On the other hand, if you are at low risk and would otherwise skip screening entirely, these are definitely worth looking into. Sigmoidoscopy: These are in many ways similar to a colonoscopy. You still have to do bowel prep, and there's a scope involved, but the doctors' don't look at nearly as much once they're up in there. This may mean less sedation is needed, but you have to wonder: what's the point of going through all that if they're only going to look at the left half of your colon? Virtual Colonoscopy: This alternative does not generally require sedation; an x-ray technician obtains images of your colon from outside your body, not from inside. Sounds great, right? But virtual colonoscopies still involve bowel prep, plus you have to swallow a contrast agent. You will still have a tube inserted where the sun don't shine, but not nearly as far up. It's there to inflate your bowels so they can get a better look. Fun times, right? There are others possibilities in the works too, stay tuned! Like camera pills and, even more exciting, blood tests for cancer that detect cancers in early stages anywhere in your body.

When it's Time for Your Colonoscopy

1. Carefully Pick Your Provider or Facility This may not be an option depending on your insurance or geography, but if it is... there does seem to be a difference in various facilities in terms both of expertise and patient-coddling. Some clinics are brusque and factory-like, others are extremely solicitous and try to make the experience as tolerable as possible. Ask friends who've been through it, talk to doctors, read reviews if you can find any. If you are high-maintenance like Crabby is, you will appreciate having expert doctors and kind nurses and assistants to hold your hand, listen to your concerns (however misguided or hysterical), and get reassurance that you that will indeed survive relatively unscathed. 2. Don't Blow Off the Instructions, Read 'Em When You Get 'Em If you are freaked out about the whole thing, you may attempt to pretend it isn't happening. Totally understandable! Yet if in order to maintain this illusion you avoid the literature you've been given? You will run into trouble. Sorry, you can't wait til the last minute to deal with the details, or you'll have to reschedule and probably pay a hefty cancellation fee. Some of the prep starts a week in advance, with certain foods (mainly nuts and seeds), medications, and supplements you need to avoid. Then a few days out there are even more prohibitions. There is also a prescription you'll have to fill, and lead-time can be essential on this one. My first bowel prep they RAN OUT of the Rx I wanted and I had to drink twice as much of an old-school kind because that was all they had. Also, while there are "generic" prep instructions like I'm giving here, each practitioner has their own take on it, so read what THEY send, don't rely on The Google. So steel yourself, make yourself read the damn thing when they send it, then mark your calendar or send yourself a reminder or whatever on the first date when you're supposed to start doing things differently.

Colonoscopy Prep

Part 1: The Part Where You Starve Yourself OK, technically you won't be starving. The "clear liquid" diet you have to be on the day before you go in will actually let you drink and eat a days worth of calories in the form of Seven Up and chicken broth and jello. (But not red or purple jello). A clear liquid diet is no fun. You can have coffee or tea (yay!) but can't put any milk in it. You will feel cranky and deprived no matter how much of that stuff you have. But here is an important tip: Get a few calories, even if they're stupid, pointless, ridiculous calories. If you are trying to lose weight or are otherwise mindful of calories or carbs, this may seem like an excellent opportunity to bank a lot of missed meals. You can't eat normal food anyway. And really, is Seven-Up any more satisfying than club soda or iced tea or a diet drink? Why not just have a no-sugar beverage instead? Nothing you're going to have under the "clear liquids" category, whether caloric or not, resembles actual food. So why not just hydrate and skip the sugar? Well, a little of this caloric deprivation is fine, especially if you are used to fasting. You will probably have a pretty low-cal day just because of the "no fun" aspect. But I discovered something interesting: Even though I occasionally do some intermittent fasting , and I'm totally used to functioning normally without calories for a day? Total fasting can be a really bad idea before a colonoscopy because you need a reasonably strong stomach for disgusting nature of the upcoming bowel prep. The combo of the laxative regimen below, combined with low blood sugar from fasting was, for me, pretty much a disaster, even though I was very conscientious about hydrating. So my advice: get at least half a days calories in you, even if they're of necessity mostly sugar. Part 2: Choke Down the Most Disgusting Fluid You Will Ever Consume in Your Life

Photo: Missy Meyer

There seem to be many variations in formulas. I've tried three: the first was the hilariously named GoLytely. Yep, I think that's pronounced "Go Lightly." Could anything be further from the truth? Don't kid yourself: you will not be "going lightly." I've also had "HalfLytely," which is a version of GoLytely that requires a smaller volume of fluid and, as I recall, some pills. Neither of these taste totally horrible, not that they're pleasant. But the texture is icky and the grossness factor builds exponentially as you force yourself to drink more and more of the liquid. Of the two I'd go with the Half version. My third, and least favorite, was SuPrep. It required the least amount of dilution and the overall volume was the smallest. But the taste was horrific. The grapey faux-fruit overlay did not conceal the essential bitter, metallic and salty grossness it. It was a two step process, and for reasons I will bore you with below I would never, ever, ever, ever do that again. Part 3: Station Yourself Near the Toilet and Pray for Mercy (Sensitive readers: you may want to skip these next paragraphs). Again, the first two times were not so bad with the GoLytely variants. More fluid was involved in the ingestion process, so the clean-out was not painful, just extremely thorough. Sort of amazing and amusing really. But it was all over the day before the procedure, and I slept just fine the night before. This time, the SuPrep was a nightmare. I took the first dose, as instructed, at 5 p.m. the night before my procedure, but it only worked little by little. By bedtime I was exhausted but I was terrified to sleep because it was still wreaking havoc on my innards, and I was petrified I'd soil the bed. (I managed not to, thank god). But I had to get up repeatedly during the night, and as of 5 a.m. the next morning, I was still running to the john from the first dose. And I still had one more dose to come. I briefly considered doing a swan dive out the third floor window instead, but then the whole torture of the first half of the prep would have been wasted and I don't know if 3 floors would even be fatal. The second dose made me feel so nauseated that I threw it all up an hour later, and I feared that my whole procedure would be cancelled because I still wasn't entirely, um, "cleansed." I was still using the restroom minutes before the procedure.

What Happens During Your Colonoscopy?

Sedation: You change into a hospital gown (I was allowed to keep my socks and bra on) and they stick you with an IV in your arm or on the back of your hand. Or in my case, they stick you and stick you and stick you and stick you. My veins are shy that way, initially defeating even the most veteran of nurses, but eventually they always manage to get in. At this point, patient accounts vary. Most people get conscious sedation, which is supposed to relax you, ease discomfort, and induce amnesia. A few people are so resistant to the drugs they remember the whole thing, and some of these people report more than mild discomfort. Yet I've read that most people don't experience much distress at all. But see the catch here? Personal accounts of an entirely painless procedure are inherently unreliable. Most patients have no clue because they don't remember! And I suspect there's something of a health industry conspiracy to maintain the illusion that because you don't remember pain, there wasn't any. My first colonoscopy I definitely felt a sharp poke at the first bend and yelped. No memories after that. The second time? The last thing I remember was the request to roll over on my side. So I don't remember them snaking a tube up my colon but I'm confident they did. In fact, procedures were undertaken each time involving hot snares. I can't imagine I enjoyed these, but I was pretty doped up, so it's possible I didn't feel 'em much. No way to know, right? Which creeps me out more than a little. Another tip: tell the staff before they sedate you if you've had bad experiences in the past with nausea and vomiting following anesthesia. I have, so they added anti-nausea medication to the IV, and hallelujah, it worked! Not barfy at all afterwards.

After Your Colonoscopy

You have to have someone there to take you home, and don't make any big plans afterwards. My first time we'd scheduled dinner with friends and I was practically face down in my plate of tacos and we had to leave early to get me back to bed. Many people feel only a little groggy and are fairly functional afterwards. I am so NOT one of those people. I become a zombified lump of useless humanity with limited ability to speak or move, though my wife claims I am quite adorable in this state. All I can do is sleep. Possibly this is because the staff know a high-maintenance whiner when they see one coming and they dope me up accordingly. This time I was even more out of it than before, and it became quickly apparent when I tried to leave that I needed a wheelchair to get to the car. Once home, my patient wife got me to bed and I went straight to sleep in my clothes and slept all afternoon. I woke up for a couple hours, ate, and went back to bed and slept like a dead person through the whole night. But the next morning... It was over and I felt great. I was Queen of the World! This is a cool thing about a colonoscopy. You survive it, and it's like a rite of passage. Even more than that stupid AARP card you get in the mail, your post-colonoscopy status qualifies for full membership in the Sensible and Responsible Middle-Aged Person Club. And let's stop apologizing for that, ok? We Responsible Middle-Aged People rock and we are setting ourselves up to be healthy, vital, and Bad-Ass Old People. We should all have wild tribal post-colonoscopy ceremonies or something a few days after the procedure. What do you say, maybe we do some jello tequila shooters and play our old Rolling Stone albums at full volume and sing and dance and howl at the moon? Well, as long as moonrise is early enough than we can be in bed by nine p.m.

What If They Find Something?

This will be the subject for a future post, since I'm one of those people who Has Things to Find. I'm still awaiting pathology results, but I can say this much: Don't panic! It's the people who have these things and don't know about them who are in trouble, not you. I'm thinking maybe I'll follow up later with a post about polyps, diverticulosis and hemorrhoids since I am lucky enough to host these. I'm sure all you readers can't wait to read about these and all the other fascinating aspects of colon health that we could discuss! Or, um, maybe not. Do you dread your first colonoscopy or have you already survived it? Any other medical procedures or tests that strike fear in your heart? Your First Colonoscopy! What to Expect posted first on http://ift.tt/2kDxLY4

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arkus-rhapsode · 8 years

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Fairy Tail Anime 2009 vs 2014

Hey there! For today’s discussion I’ll be looking at Fairy Tail and it’s 2014 sequel series, Fairy Tail 2014. Now that title may seem fictitious as we’ll be comparing the two series more than we’ll be picking a “better” one.

First a small background, Fairy Tail the series got it’s first anime adaption in 2009 done by A-1 Pictures, Dentsu entertainment, and Satelight productions which ran from 2009 to 2013. But the series made a return in 2014 done by A-1 Pictures and Bridge. With two different adaptations there became a divide in the fan base over which one was better. Now for all those wondering where I stand, I will state that the 2009 adaptation is my prefered version, but are these the words of stubborn man who isn’t willing to accept a different version or am I justified in my stance. Well, lets compare the two and find out.

Alright, first thing will tackle is probably the most prominent reason why people prefer the 2014 version of FT, the style. The 2014 anime is often claimed to better represent Hiro Mashima’s manga style and I’m inclined to agree with that. The 2014 definitely does capture the manga. I won’t say the 2009 was off but there were noticeable differences. The outlines were much more broad as well expressions being cubicle at times. So I can see that 2014 does do a good job transferring the style to it. To an extent.

While 2014 does adapt it well, it isn’t adapting all of FT’s style. A mangaka is an artist, and an artist’s will find a way to evolve as they go, it’s one of the great experiences of following a long running manga. But lets remember how FT looked when it started out.

Longer limbs, thinner lines, more exposed faces, this was FT when it started out. Heck we wanna go further back and see what Hiro’s earlier art looked like…

It’s amazing to see how far one can come with advancing their work. But that begs the question, if a style is ever evolving then how can there be a “true” transfer” of it the small screen? Well that’s simple, it’s not transferring, it’s adapting and adaptations aren’t carbon copies of the original. So while 2009 didn’t capture that more “messy” look of early FT, it still stayed true to the series and produced an adaptation that made it’s own style while keeping true to it’s roots. One thing that a lot of people love from the first anime was the magic circles, but rarely did Hiro ever draw a magic circle in the manga. This shows that something that the adaptation was able to add something to the experience that wasn’t the originally in the series. 2014 does this as well with it’s interpretation of effects such as coloring of techniques. Many anime series, such as Attack on Titan, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, and Hunter x Hunter, all feel as they represent their original series faithfully while creating their own look to it, that is an adaptation.

But does that mean 2014 fans are wrong saying that it’s better adaptation of style, well no. The 2014 style actual does capture the art style of, well, the 2014 manga. It is a clear representation of the manga, at that time and does capture it closer than any of the 2009 version did. So it’s not hard to see why people really like it.

Next thing we’ll cover is probably what I feel is why many think the 2009 version is superior and that’s coloring. Now with a series originating from a medium that’s portrayed in black and white, adding color often heightens the interest of the adaptation. The 2009 really did capture what fairy tail felt like, it was a bright, colorful world, and very vibrant. The 2014 series not so much. Now that is once again unfair because when it started off the series did have bright coloring, not as bright as the first series but still colorful. But upon moving toward the Tartaros arc the series coloring went more and more dull and darker.

It perplexes me on how 2014 went from something like this…

To something like this.

I’ve heard the defense that this more darker coloring is more to fit the darker tone of the tartaros arc and I could understand that. But making the colors and world darker doesn’t nessicarely make a situation seem dark, that seems to fall more on things that effect the mood such as the music and acting as well. But Coloring does effect mood as well but here I’ll point to the tower of heaven arc that was made using the style of the 1st series. It was still dark, but the brightness wasn’t turned down. It played with shading, used cooler colors, and had a night time setting, but the brightness was never turned down. So can dark scenes be done without completely sucking out the brightness, of course.

Now for the my big problem is the dullness. with dullness it truly did look dead, not that there was no color but it seemed it’s brightness was all washed out and hard on the eyes. This is troubling as colors tended to blend into this dull, dark image at times which did have a serious effect on my enjoyment. Another reason I wasn’t a fan of this dullness also effected character’s expression. In anime, it’s well known that expression comes primarily from eyes and with these duller tones and and filters sometimes eyes will seem like dark pools that don’t match the expressed emotion.

However there are times where I felt these duller tones actually worked. Mostly in the sun village arc. The effect of the dull coloring but with enough brightness felt as if it truly was sunlight caught in in ice. The setting feels almost out of the real world and is just visually amazing.

Another, was all of the Fairy Tail Zero. The washed out color actually gave off this sense of age as if it really from an older era. Hell, this applies to a lot of flashbacks in the 2014 series like Mirajane’s this look helps it look and feel older. Another praise for these dull colors was again in FT Zero with the dying magnolia. There really did feel this sense of a dying town. So even while I didn’t personally like the choice of these duller looks but it’d being lying if I said there weren’t times they were effective.

Now on to the part that’s a real tough one to call and that’s Animation. Both of these series do have notable differences with animation the biggest is the shots of scenes. The first series used a lot more wide shots which while did show of the the setting, it didn’t really have much going on so we’d end of having a big space with not much happening. This I think was done more balanced in the 2014 version where it had more up close shots so the situation felt more personal while also using wide shots when needed, ether to show off a set or fit in group shots. Another big thing in animation is movement. I will say that that it is a lie to say FT 2014 was nothing but still shots, there was standard movement similar to the first series at multiple points in 2014 anime. But whereas I can say that for some of the 2014 animation at points, the 2009 one was consistent with that movement throughout it’s run.

But it’s inevitable. When talking about the 2014 series to bring up it's over abundance of still shots. Now it's important to remember that not all of 2014 was still shots, that tends to be blown out of proportion, but there is still and above average amount of them. These shots were infamous for ruining a lot of scenes that many were eager to see animated. Now, I'm not going to act like there wasn't still shots in the 2009 series because there were, however none to the extent I could say I felt immersion breaking as the 2014 series did. Now the animation movement for 2009 wasn’t good all the time, there were times when it looked like bad flash animations.

But here’s a thing that I don’t hear that many mention and that’s impact. In a battle series like this the connection of attacks needs to be felt and while both these series tended to botch it up a number of times, I’ll say the 2009 series was the bigger offender. With it’s clear movement it really seems odd that it had impact that felt off. I’ll always feel the biggest case of this was Jura vs Brain when Brain used Dark Capriccio, and the impact of connecting to jura felt less like a piercing laser blast and more being hit by a rock. While poor impact seemed to not bother me with still shots, it bothered me more when there was a lot more speed and intensity put into the animation. So when It comes to animation both really do have their ups and downs.

And finally the big deciding factor, the audience. This is a tough one to get a grasp on because opinions people have is completely subjective, but here’s what I can find as trends. Many who prefer the first series often discovered Fairy Tail through it and tend to have it as something sacred to them. Others I’ve met who’ve loved the first series were fans of the manga who were so happy to she the series brought to life for the first time. But for people who really loved the 2014 series they seem to prefer something that had a much more sense of manga style and were also just happy to have FT make progress that they didn’t want it to revert back to an older style. Looking over comparing these two I, a firm lover of the 2009 series, can see it wasn’t perfect and had issues that my nostalgia helped over come. And I’m sure a lot of other 2009 fans feel that way, this sense of nostalgia that connects to us and makes it more preferable. But 2014 fans also have seen that while their series has its flaws it still is doing something different. It’s trying to show off FT that didn’t feel as represented as in the 2009 series. There is many ins and outs of people’s own opinions but that’s okay because that’s what being in a fandom is all about.

As I stated this was not a who’s better post, more a comparison post. And even though I do still stand by in my preference of series 1, I still see there are thing in series 2 that are amazing. I’m sure that we’ll all mention what’s better for many years to come, but after all this I feel as both 2009 and 2014 keep in the spirit of the series and were faithful to their series and in the end maybe that’s all that matters.

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tiqerboy-archive-blog · 8 years

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top 5 things u'd change abt SU/GF :3C

SU: 1. More Garnet and Amethyst. Garnet needs to like, actually be a character. Amethyst arcs that don’t suck or squeeze Steven in last-minute, and actual Garnet arcs. 2. Steven needs to chill in the background a LOT more. He’s become an annoying mouthpiece at this point that it’s grating to hear him talk. Make it stop. 3. Pearl needs to like actually address her shit. Stop guilting others, apologize, actively make up for her actions. I’d rather have that than not have her do the shit at all, actually. 4. No appropriation of other cultures in the fusion’s designs, and no racist caricatures or unfortunate racist implications. Remove the ugly moral from Bismuth, make Sugilite look better, have Opal’s design non-appropriative, and get rid of Andy entirely. No human zoo. 5. Fucking. Way less filler. If there’s filler, it’ll be interesting and actually have relevance to worldbuilding. Focus more on the plot without dragging the buildup. No random happy-go-lucky episodes between intense, plot-related episodes. The show can still have “slice of life” while still being mostly plot-centric. Have there actually be resolution of conflict or plotholes. (Meaning, the rubies are saved/or never were blown into space, no more introducing tons of characters/plots only to never touch on them again, just none of the structural mess)

GF:1. Mabel needs to have way more episodes devoted to her that don’t focus on boys. If I’m being honest, none of that at all. If there’s any romance involving Mabel it’ll be less hectic, and more bi/pan if yknow what I mean. Mabel needs more character besides “quirky boy-cr*zy girl”.2. Don’t rush the finale. The second season suffered because the show wasn’t having a third season, which I think was a mistake. Build it up nicely and let it lie, and leave some questions unanswered or up to interpretation. Actually do something with that damn wheel that was spat in our face every intro. Have Bill’s purpose be a little more meaningful than “I spent all this time making a complicated plot to take over the world….just for shits and giggles”. I’m not talking sad backstory or whatever, just….more substance. 3. Fuck that Wendy/Dipper shit. Just. It doesn’t need to exist. Wendy can be cool and be Dipper’s friend and nothing else. No drama with Robbie, no ridiculous thing with Dipper flirting with girls to get over Wendy, none of that stupid shit all of us fans inevitably ignored because it was aggravating. Gone.4. Get rid of bad elements such as Soos’s grandma being a stereotype, don’t have Soos be obsessed with food, no Toby weird trans analogy that was offensive in the finale, have the kids at least treat Brenda with respect and have her existence not be a joke, etc etc. Also, incorporate gay and trans shit and have it be VISIBLE. No hints. Have that gay couple in “The Love God”, have Mabel actively express love towards boys AND girls, have Brenda be trans, make the characters less white/more diverse. 5. Make Ford’s grudge less stupid. Ford’s not a dumbass, there’s no reason he should be mad about not getting into his dream school right away. If he’s really such a genius, he could have easily just finished school, gotten rid of credits easily in community, and gone to his dream college (and probably get another shot at a scholarship). Like, it’s so dumb and not worth holding a grudge over. Really. Their whole grudge thing was so aggravating it made me wanna tear my hair out, because it was so nonsensical. Just have the twins be bros who’ve been through tough times, Stan helped Ford on the portal, but Ford got sucked in, and they desperately searched for each other and tearfully reunited when the portal finally was turned back on. It’s just plain stupid and annoying having them hate each other over that. Petty fights are fine, but the whole grudge thing was just. Eugh.

So yeah those are the changes I’d make.

#mail

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musiccosmosru · 6 years

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WEEK OF July 23 – 29, 2018

Early this week, you might not be able to keep putting on that brave or happy face, Virgo. So why not let yourself feel what you’re really feeling? The passionate Sun is swirling through self-expressed Leo in your twelfth house of closure, compassion and healing. That alone can dredge up intense emotions, but on the 25th this heavenly heavyweight squares off with volatile Uranus in your candid and self-reliant ninth house. After weeks or months of putting up with an increasingly intolerable situation, you might hit a breaking point. Just-like-that you could reach the end of your rope and realize you’re better off without THAT person than shape-shifting (or torturing yourself) trying to accommodate them. Now’s the time to stop and ask yourself, “Why?” What, if anything, are you still getting out of this? You need to be treasured for all your wonderful amazingness. If you’re not receiving adequate love, support and attention, stop wasting your affection on the dried-up source. Save it for someone who will appreciate it!

Still feel like there’s hope for the future? Arriving at consensus—or finding forgiveness—might be extra challenging starting Thursday when your ruler, mental Mercury, flips into a three-week retrograde. Until August 19, the messenger planet will wing back through Leo and your twelfth house of buried issues. Just when you think you’ve resolved things, another wave of drama could suck you back into the undertow. Fighting the current will only leave you gasping for air. Instead, surrender, and accept the truth of that old chestnut: Time heals all wounds. While intellectually, you may think it’s “ridiculous” to hang on to any bitterness from the past; the heart heals at a different (and much slower) pace. If you want to preserve these fraught relationships for the long haul, put a pin in them until August 19. Then, give yourself the space you need to process all the “unevolved” emotions that come up. Sometimes you just have to hate your ex for a week or ignore your frenemy’s texts begging you to meet for coffee and talk things through. It’s better than sitting through any gaslighting conversation where they try to put all the blame for the breakdown on you!

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Romantically and creatively, this hazy Mercury cycle could bring some flashbacks. You might pick up where you left off on an artistic project—and really go in deep this time. You’ll enjoy a rich fantasy life, but do cleave to SOME sort of reality, Virgo. Rocking the rose-colored glasses could screen out the semi-obvious red flags that a love interest or charming raconteur is waving. With Mercury stirring things up, you might feel the pang of old wounds that haven’t fully healed. Don’t brush these off. Find an effective way of dealing with them, whether that means working with an energy healer, joining a support group or talking about it with a friend who’s successfully dealt with a similar issue. Remember, this isn’t just a painful, annoying thing that you’re going through; it’s an opportunity to open your heart wider than it’s ever been.

On Friday, a total lunar eclipse in Aquarius pours jet fuel in those self-care tanks! This is the last Aquarian eclipse in a two-year series of eclipses on the Aquarius-Leo axis, and because it falls in your sixth house of healthy living, you can make some big changes. And anything started under this influence is likely to stick, so don’t waste this opportunity! Full moons bring completion, so if you’ve been treating your body like the temple it is for the past six months, this could be the day you finally feel and see results. But for those Virgos who’ve tumbled off the wellness wagon, the two weeks following the lunar eclipse are prime time to reboot. The trick is finding ways to make exercise fun, like getting your cardio in on the dance floor. Or teaming up with a committed workout buddy. It will be SO much easier to drag yourself to morning spin class if you know your BFF will be on bike next to you. This lunar eclipse could bring an exciting work opportunity your way, but read the small print. It may require sacrificing a bit of freedom to move up the ladder. And the only one who can decide if it’s worth it is…guess who, Virgo?

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If you’re single and looking—and even if you aren’t—there won’t be a shortage of admirers angling for your attention. Enchanting Venus is hovering in Virgo all week, and on Friday, she gets a seductive infusion from magnetic Pluto and your fifth house of glamour and fame. Some prominent people might scroll through your Instagram or pop your name in a Google search. Give your public feeds a once over, taking down posts that don’t reflect your best self and uploading some of your latest and greatest hits. Dressing up and feting the summer soiree circuit will be an immediate mood booster this weekend. You’ll make quite the entrance—revel in it! Enjoy the flirty banter liberally, even if it’s more of an ego-booster than the beginning of a happily-ever-after. But then again, Virgo, you never do know.

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alltheshitiate · 7 years

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My New Orleans Dining Guide

Updated as of: 4/5/17

Caveat: This is far from a complete list of the best restaurants in New Orleans. This is nowhere close to the complete list of New Orleans restaurants I’ve visited. However, this is my list of the New Orleans restaurants I’ve enjoyed the most, with the exception of a couple of places locals don’t want to be discussed publicly. (You’ll have to get those names out of me at knifepoint.) There are several notable places I’ve visited that for one reason or another, I didn’t completely love at the time (Bayona, K-Paul’s, G.W. Finn’s, Muriel’s, Antoine’s, Elizabeth’s, etc.), and it’s important to recognize the broad array of opinions when it comes to dining in New Orleans. Your opinion can easily be swayed by ordering the wrong dish, the amount of rest you’ve had before dining, a server/host rubbing you the wrong way, an annoying dining companion, a broken air conditioner (it’s happened to me), etc. Additionally, it’s important to realize your food is being cooked and served by human beings, and human beings occasionally make mistakes, especially when they’re tired. While New Orleans restaurants tend to be very professional establishments with high standards for cooking and service, even the most elite places can occasionally buckle under the intense pressure of serving a seemingly endless stream of customers during a major event like Jazz Fest. I make no guarantees or bold claims here, aside from the fact that I’ve had at least one very enjoyable meal at each of these restaurants. Your mileage may vary.

Note: Listed neighborhoods may not be perfect, depending on who you talk to, but they are in the general vicinity.

*UPSCALE*

If you can, make a lunch reservation at Commander's Palace. It's an unbelievable experience at an absurdly low price at lunch. (You will pay through the nose at dinner.) The menu is constantly changing, but there are lots of prix-fixe lunchtime options, and martinis are only 25 cents! (It’s a three martini max per person.) I love Commander’s because the food is amazing, the service is excellent, but despite its surroundings, the vibe is really fun. Ask to be seated in the garden room with décor that is dated but glorious. It’s loud and boisterous. Men need to wear a jacket, although I believe this policy is slightly relaxed at lunch. Regardless, just suck it up and wear a jacket, bro. This is my favorite restaurant in the world. http://www.commanderspalace.com/ (GARDEN DISTRICT)

Commander's Palace and August are often considered the top two restaurants in New Orleans. August is great in a very different way. It's quite refined, a true "white tablecloth" establishment. While Commander's is also a white tablecloth place, they have a truly festive vibe that is a real 180 from the quiet and reserved August. August does a nice, seasonal $26.00 three-course lunch on Fridays, but reservations can be tough to come by. http://www.restaurantaugust.com/ (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Peche - If you like seafood, go here. On paper, the menu doesn't look all that impressive, but if you love fresh seafood, it'll blow you away. After a couple of years, this is still one of the more popular restaurants in the city and a James Beard Award winner. You can have either lunch or dinner here, and some of the dishes (especially the whole grilled fish with salsa verde) are served family style. Regardless, the smaller plates are quite good for a smaller party. Definitely listen to the waiter's suggestions. When I was there, he recommended some raw Alabama oysters that were shockingly phenomenal. Note that this restaurant has ridden a wave of hype, which has naturally provoked many haters, particularly bitter locals. Such is life. I still love it. http://www.pecherestaurant.com/ (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Toups’ Meatery - Very creative cooking here with lots of interesting dishes for the true carnivore. If you want things like house-made sausage, cracklins, or charcuterie, this is your place, but there are plenty of other good options on the menu, as well as solid cocktails. Ask for the off-menu beet martini. The chef/owner was on Top Chef, which is apparently very important to tourists. http://toupsmeatery.com/ (MID CITY)

Emeril's - It's somewhat cliché to recommend a place with a celebrity chef who is rarely in the house. However, when I went here a couple of years ago, Emeril's was outstanding. While I used to really love Emeril's Delmonico, and I had a great meal at his Nola last May, I think his original restaurant is still the best of his lot. I love the stellar andouille-crusted drum. They're also known for their unique preparation of Barbecue Shrimp. http://emerilsrestaurants.com/emerils-new-orleans (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Upperline - This is one of my favorites. It's a little bit of a 1980s relic, but it still packs a serious punch. Upperline invented things like fried green tomatoes with shrimp remoulade, and they excel in Creole classics. They also offer a lot of sampler platters, and they're very flexible on substitutions. The vegetarian greens will have you swearing they used bacon, and the duck (with both sauces) is the best duck I've ever had. When I write this email for people, I usually tell them to order the duck five or six times, but I will spare you the lecture. Order the duck. This owner/hostess is a quirky woman whose whims often dictate the course of the menu with interesting specials. Every square inch of the place is adorned in art, which is both tacky and spectacular, or spectackyular. It's a unique place for a great meal. P.S. Order the duck. http://www.upperline.com/ (UPTOWN)

Brigtsen's - After having people recommend it for years, I finally took the plunge and visited. Amazing. Vibe is the key here. I've never experienced a meal quite like this. It looks and feels like you're eating a gourmet meal in someone's house. The hostess is the chef's wife, and she and the waitstaff just make you feel so damn comfortable. Eating in New Orleans is all about the experience and vibe, and you will find none better than Brigtsen's. This is not the place to go for a quick bite. This is a restaurant for kicking back to relax and enjoy a meal with friends. Don't get me wrong-- the food is also phenomenal. The duck is amazing, and the seafood platter is awesome and huge. You'll need to take a 45 minute streetcar ride or a 15-20 minute cab ride to get there from the Quarter. If you're going to see music on Oak Street at either the wine bar or The Maple Leaf, you won't be too far away. https://www.brigtsens.com/ (RIVERBEND)

Carrolton Market - Looking for an under-the-radar gem in the Riverbend? Look no further. Located around the corner from Brigtsen's, when I visited this bistro a couple of weeks ago, every dish was a winner, yet it was oddly empty inside. Recommended items: Oysters Goodenough, Crispy Pork Belly "Banh Mi," and Roasted Duck Breast. If you want to drool, look at the photos on the site. http://carrolltonmarket.com/ (RIVERBEND)

Palace Café - This seafood-centric restaurant on Canal Street is enormous and offers breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s not quite as pricey as its brethren, but the atmosphere is noisy. The crabmeat cheesecake is amazing. http://www.palacecafe.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

*MID-PRICE*

MoPho - Kick-ass Asian-meets-New Orleans cuisine! I love this place, and I’m dying to return. I can’t even tell you what to order. Everything I’ve tried has been so damn good. http://mophonola.com/ (MID CITY)

Lüke - John Besh's ode to Alsatian cuisine. They offer these "express meals" that are a tremendous bargain for lunch. You can find some great German/French dishes here like cassoulet and flammenkuchen, as well as Louisiana classics like Cochon de Lait or Shrimp Etouffee. They also serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner. http://www.lukeneworleans.com/ (CBD)

Cochon Butcher - Everyone raves about its big brother restaurant, the adjacent Cochon. However, I think Cochon is hit-or-miss, while Cochon Butcher is hit after hit after hit. This is just a great, unorthodox sandwich shop, butcher shop, and bar. I highly recommend the bacon pralines. (Buy them as souvenirs for anyone whom you want to love you forever.) Pretty much anything with pork is a solid bet here. Le Pig Mac is a play on the Big Mac, but it's made with pork, and it's friggin’ delicious. I also love the Buckboard Bacon Melt, Muffaletta, Marinated Brussels Sprouts, Duck Pastrami Sliders, Hot Boudin...Hell, I’d eat anything on the menu. I’d also probably eat the actual menu. http://www.cochonbutcher.com/new-orleans (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Jacques-Imo's - It’s a perfect place to eat if you're hitting a show at the Maple Leaf next door. The food is boisterous and over-the-top (Alligator cheesecake, anyone?), but it's really tasty. The vibe is like a raucous, chaotic party. This is not a fine dining experience, although it's more like what would happen if a really good chef got drunk and decided to throw a big bash. You'll need to take a 45 minute streetcar ride or a 15-20 minute cab ride to get there from the The Quarter. (Addendum: This restaurant is woefully inconsistent. Sometimes, the food is excellent, and other times, it's under-seasoned and not noteworthy. The service is generally terrible, which seems to be a perverse point of pride. Even though I have friends who've really enjoyed their recent meals here, my last one was not good, so I'm going to wait a while before returning.) http://jacques-imos.com/ (RIVERBEND)

Three Muses - a small tapas and cocktail bar on Frenchmen with free live music. You can catch some great solos, duets, and trios here from really talented musicians. The small plates are very tasty, and the cocktails are quite good. This place is usually packed with little flexibility, so try to get your reservation in advance, especially if you hope to visit during Jazz Fest. http://www.3musesnola.com/ (MARIGNY)

Boucherie - Prices have gone up since it first opened, but it’s still very affordable, and the food is excellent. This is the story of a guy who served killer food from a truck outside Tipitina’s and did so well that he was able to open his own restaurant. Take my advice and be sure to order Grit Fries, Thai Chili Chocolate Chess Pie, and Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding. http://boucherie-nola.com (RIVERBEND)

Atchafalaya - I’ve only been here for brunch, but it was an outstanding brunch. This may be the only restaurant I know of that serves brunch Thursday through Monday. They’re open for dinner 7 days a week, as well, serving “slightly elevated Southern cuisine.” The make your own Bloody Mary Bar is a thing of beauty. http://www.atchafalayarestaurant.com (IRISH CHANNEL)

This is a nice afternoon small plate doubleheader on Poydras and Canal:

Drago's - They have a big seafood menu, but everyone gets one thing: charbroiled oysters. Broiled with garlic, parmesan, lemon, and butter, this super rich dish is often considered the best bite in New Orleans. Just split a dozen with someone (or order a half-dozen by yourself) and avoid everything else because you'll follow this up with a ten-minute walk into the Quarter to... http://www.dragosrestaurant.com/

Red Fish Grill - There are two things you must order here: Buffalo-BBQ fried oysters with blue cheese and double chocolate bread pudding. There are other good items on the menu, but those two are a must. You won't need a reservation at either place and can usually walk in any time. http://www.redfishgrill.com/

*CHEAPER/DIVES*

Coop's - It’s a classic dive with notable fried chicken, but you need to know that they serve the best Jambalaya you'll ever try. I ate here on my first trip, and I try to return every time I'm in town. Must order dishes: Jambalaya Supreme, Lamb Ribs, Green Beans with Bacon sauce. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Smoked Duck Quesadillas and Shrimp Creole are also good, but you must order the previous three dishes at a minimum. I will share dishes here, but I will not share my jambalaya. It's that good. This is a true dive. It is not what you or I would call “clean.” This place can be a haven for unsavory characters of both the two-legged and four-legged variety. (True story: I once ate here and saw the amazing Boobzilla lift a chair by only using her breasts, as the entire bar was treated to tequila shots for her birthday. It’s that kind of place. Leave your kids and nuns at home.) However, everyone I’ve brought here has been blown away by the food. Also, if you like the way your face looks, adhere to the “Please Wait To Be Seated” sign, or they will tear your face off. If you don’t like the way your face looks, have fun. http://www.coopsplace.net/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Café DuMonde - If this is your first visit to New Orleans, you’ll want to go to this famous 24 hour place that pretty much only serves beignets, orange juice, and coffee. The beignets are pillows of fried dough that are buried under a mountain of powdered sugar. Everyone has eaten here while drunk at least once. Cafe Beignet in City Park does a better job of everything Cafe DuMonde does, but Cafe DuMonde has the ideal location. http://www.cafedumonde.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Buffa’s - a very old restaurant on Esplanade, very close to Frenchmen Street. The front bar is open 24 hours, and the restaurant in the back is usually open late. If they have the potato chip-crusted gulf fish on special, get it. It’s damn good. They also have no-cover live music in the back, and I highly suggest you go here to see Tom McDermott and Aurora Nealand on Thursdays from 8-11. http://www.buffasrestaurant.com (MARIGNY)

Bacchanal - On a nice night, this popular outdoor Bywater winebar cannot be beat. However, expect it to be crowded and loud, as the secret is out. The wines are funky, interesting, and fairly cheap. The food is pretty good and the last time I was there, the prices were a steal. I had a steak with fries and whipped feta for something like $14. Helen Gillet plays here on Monday nights, and I love her solo cello work that can be jazzy, beautiful, or trippy. Unfortunately, it’s usually tough to hear he unless you’re up close. Plan on sharing a table with strangers. http://www.bacchanalwine.com (BYWATER)

Mahoney's - a new school po' boy joint on Magazine, not far from the Garden District. The menu is big and delicious, but po' boys are the focus. They've got the full roster of traditional po' boys, served in full (massive) and half (still friggin' big) sizes, as well as lots of modern creations and good cocktails. The award-winning Abita-braised short rib po' boy with onion straws, garlic mayo, arugala, and tomato is insanely rich. With every bite, I felt myself contracting gout. I can't wait to eat it again. http://mahonyspoboys.com/ (IRISH CHANNEL)

Domilese's - an OLD school po' boy joint Uptown. You'll need to get here by car. The sandwiches are huge and tasty. The beer selection is terrible, but it's cold. They close by 6:30PM M-F, 7:00PM on Saturday. Make sure they’re open before you make the trek. Don’t blame me if they’re closed. http://www.domilisespoboys.com/ (UPTOWN)

Killer Po' Boys - a new school po' boy joint in the Quarter. The sandwiches are small and delicious with high-end ingredients. They have two locations, but the original is in the back of the tiny Erin Rose Pub. http://www.killerpoboys.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Tracey’s - It’s a pretty good sports bar, but the one thing to get here is the roast beef po’ boy, which is the best I’ve had in New Orleans. Don’t expect the red carpet treatment or great service. You’re in a New Orleans sports bar. It’s not Commander’s Palace. Remember that before you write your angry Yelp review. http://www.traceysnola.com/ (IRISH CHANNEL)

Crabby Jack’s - This is Jacques-Imo’s sister po’ boy-centric downscale restaurant. I’m of the opinion that po’ boys are the way to go here, and they’ve got some gems, served in massive sizes. I’m usually torn between the Slow Roasted Duck Po’ Boy, the Cochon de Lait Po’ Boy (the meat is tastier than what’s served on the Fairgrounds, although it doesn’t have the same delicious mustard sauce), or the Fried Green Tomato and Shrimp Remoulade Po’ Boy. The Gumbo is solid. Note that they’re only open for lunch and closed on Sundays. Also, they’re just at the edge of the city limits. For me, this is usually a stop on the way in from the airport. http://crabbyjacksnola.com/

Liuzza’s - You’ll recognize the one that’s across the street from Jazz Fest because of the mob scene around it. However, if you can get through the line, they make good Bloody Marys, and their BBQ shrimp po’ boy is very unique. If you really like black pepper, you’ll like it. The Mid City location has a better menu and more ambiance, along with ice-cold shitty beer. http://liuzzasnola.com/ (GENTILLY and MID CITY)

Dat Dog - Hit it on Frenchmen, Magazine, or Freret Uptown if you need a quick something before or between shows. Their sausages are solid, and choosing the chef's preparation is a wise move. I’m a fan of the fries smothered in crawfish etouffee. http://www.datdog.com/ (VARIOUS LOCATIONS)

The Store - I go here for one thing, the Fried Shrimp & Greens Po’ Boy, which is a fantastic sandwich. They’re only open for breakfast and lunch, closing at 2:30pm. Don’t go on the late side or you’ll risk them being sold out of collard greens. You do not want the sandwich without the greens. BTW, the greens are made with pork, as the Lord intended. http://thestoreneworleans.com (CBD)

Verti Marte - Are you drunk? Is it late at night and you want something to eat near the Esplanade side of the Quarter? This bizarre 24-hour deli is your place. Don’t expect the finest clientele at this time of night. Don’t expect gourmet food. Don’t expect anything involving logic. Certainly do not expect fast service. However, you can get a giant pile of booze-soaking food or a po’ boy to go. I’m partial to the Shrimp Philly (grilled shrimp, bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, Swiss cheese, American cheese, and “Wow” sauce). Do you have heartburn already? https://www.zomato.com/new-orleans/verti-marte-new-orleans/menu (FRENCH QUARTER)

Bai Chi Canteen - cheap but delicious small plates of Vietnamese food in the Riverbend. Go for the "bacos," which are Vietnamese tacos. https://www.zomato.com/new-orleans/ba-chi-canteen-new-orleans/menu (RIVERBEND)

Kebab - no frills doner/falafel joint on St. Claude that also has good Belgian frites. I like to eat here, so I can pretend I'm having a healthy meal. The cocktails are cheap. http://www.kebabnola.com/ (ST. ROCH)

Hi-Ho Lounge - a St. Claude music club that usually has a cool, popup kitchen Fry And Pie in the back. They serve exactly what you think they serve, and everything is tremendous. http://www.fryandpie.com/ (ST. ROCH)

Cassamento's - head Uptown, not too far from the streetcar, for this mecca of fried seafood. The specialty is the "Oyster Loaf," which is a massive fried oyster sandwich, and instead of using traditionally sliced bread, they cut two enormous pieces from a butter-soaked loaf. They also do chargrilled oysters and serve fries with the chargrilled topping. (TOURO/UPTOWN)

Juan’s Flying Burrito - There are two locations for this Creole taqueria. Is it incredible Mexican food? No, but it’s pretty good, and the slight Nolafication of menu items adds another layer to the fun. Notably, you can actually have a healthy meal here, and there aren’t too many places where I can say that. http://www.juansflyingburrito.com/ (MID CITY and GARDEN DISTRICT)

*SNOWBALLS*

Hansen’s Sno-bliz - They’re the granddaddy of snowball places, as they invented the ice-shaving machine in 1939 and created their own syrups for it. Despite its advanced age, this old shack still innovates with funky flavors, such as Thai Basil or Fresh Cucumber, and they’ll get crazy with toppings, such as Bananas Foster or Pineapple Habanero Relish. I’m not an expert in Snowball technology, so I can’t explain why it’s better than Hawaiian shaved ice, but it is better than Hawaiian shaved ice. More importantly, it’s cold and perfect for a hot day. http://www.snobliz.com/ (UPTOWN)

Sno-LA - Here’s what you need to know. They stuff their snowballs with cheesecake. I really shouldn’t need to explain anything else. http://www.sno-la.com/sno-la-uptown-menu.html (RIVERBEND)

*COCKTAILS/WINE/BEER*

Bar Tonique - They’ve got a combination of vintage cocktails, as well as their own creations. In my experience, everything is mixed well by knowledgeable bartenders. More importantly, they have a few classic drinks that are only $5 at a daily happy hour that lasts until 5PM, as well as $5 daily specials. http://bartonique.com (FRENCH QUARTER)

Cane and Table - A recent discovery for me, this joint specializes in cocktails of the tropical persuasion, although you won’t find sugary margaritas and frozen daiquiris. It’s a bit more sophisticated. Some of these creations go down smooth and way, way too fast. Apparently, they also have solid food. I didn’t partake in any of that, which is probably why I spent my afternoon following around a half-naked woman painted like a minotaur. There are photos... http://caneandtablenola.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Carousel Bar - Located inside the Hotel Monteleone, the old school, classy bar is actually a slowly rotating carousel. They often have great live music for no cover, and the drinks tend to be well made. This is an ideal spot for a classic cocktail, such as a Ramos Gin Fizz. http://hotelmonteleone.com/entertainment/carousel-bar (FRENCH QUARTER)

Orleans Grapevine - You’ll want to go here during their Bacon Happy Hour. (I will pause to let you read that again.) It’s from 4-6PM and 10PM-12AM, and they give you bacon with your drinks (I will pause to let you read that again), which may be the greatest concept since human rights. There are different wine and drink specials during happy hour, and if you order certain cocktails, you get to roll dice to determine the price. Land on 1, 2, or 3, and that’s what you pay. Make Drinking Fun Again! http://orleansgrapevine.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

The Avenue Pub - If you want to find the best beer selection in New Orleans, this is your place. Apparently, Boucherie’s chef has kicked up their food menu. The good news is that this pub is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 365 days a year. Finally, somewhere you can drink at 7am on Christmas morning! http://theavenuepub.com/ (GARDEN DISTRICT)

Nola Brewing Tap Room - You can find a lot more interesting examples and novel styles of their beer here than you will anywhere else. They’ve also got McClure’s BBQ in the house, although the Louisiana legislature may soon put an end to that. http://www.nolabrewing.com/ (IRISH CHANNEL)

Bacchanal - (see entry above)

Oak Street Wine Bar - The drinks are surprisingly inexpensive here, although the beer selection leaves much to be desired. The wine list is extensive. However, I really just like it because they often have live music, particularly at Jazz Fest. I like catching Andrew Duhon here. http://www.oaknola.com/ (RIVERBEND)

Bouree - The Boucherie people opened a wing, hot boudin, and daiquiri joint next door. I’ve not had the food, but I’ve become a huge fan of the Gin & Tonic Daiquiri. They have seasonal flavors, as well. http://www.bourreenola.com (RIVERBEND)

Happy Hour at John Besh restaurants - Most of the Besh restaurants offer some sort of ridiculous happy hour deal on both certain food items and certain drinks. I’ve been to some of these where I’ve been able to get drunk and stuffed for under $15. They don’t list the happy hour specials on their website, but if you call them, they’ll give you the 4-1-1. I do know that the happy hour at Domenica has become so popular that reservations are typically required. http://www.chefjohnbesh.com/restaurants/

*MOST OVER-HYPED RESTAURANTS*

1) Mother’s - It’s exciting when you’re a tourist because you feel like you’re doing something authentic. After a couple of years, you realize everyone in there is a tourist, and you’re all paying way too much for slightly-better-than-mediocre food. On my last visit, breakfast cost me nearly $40. Never again....at least not until I’m surrounded by hungry drunk people at 7am.

2) Parkway - But Obama ate here! So what? I’m gonna guess Obama didn’t exactly have his finger on the pulse of po’ boy culture. Look how thin he is. Never trust a thin man when it comes to po’ boys. Following lunch, if you don’t have to undo your belt, better yet, the button of your pants, I don’t want to hear your opinion on po’ boys. Your opinion should be limited to kale. Regardless, this place is not terrible, but it’s certainly not worth standing in a long line when there are so many better options in town. Go here if you need to do something in the neighborhood.

3) Cochon - Yes, there are some big hits on the menu, but there are also so many swings and misses. Years after opening, the hype train still chugs at an unbelievable pace for this place. Everyone has to go there because everyone has to go there because everyone has to go there. (Hint: You do not have to go there, but you do have to go to the vastly superior Cochon Butcher next door.)

*MY PERSONAL PO’ BOY RANKINGS*

1) Killer Po’ Boys - I can already hear grizzled New Orleanians ranting about how Brooklyn has ruined the po’ boy because New Orleanians blame everything that’s wrong with their city on Brooklyn. Good thing I’m from Queens.

2) Mahoney’s

3) Domilese’s

4) Crabby Jack’s

5) Tracey’s

13) Parkway

*MY TOP 5 PLACES I WANT TO TRY IN 2017*

1) Meril - http://emerilsrestaurants.com/meril

2) Rue 127 - https://www.rue127.com/

3) Turkey and the Wolf - http://www.turkeyandthewolf.com/

4) Katie’s - http://www.katiesinmidcity.com/

5) Bevi Seafood Company - http://beviseafoodco.com/

*SAGE ADVICE*

Tom Fitzmorris is an old-school food critic with deep knowledge of the New Orleans culinary tradition. His site, http://www.nomenu.com is a bible for me, and I consult it not only when I choose a restaurant among the 1,550 he’s covered in the greater New Orleans area, but I also am sure to consult his site before I order at said restaurant. Fitzmorris tells you exactly which dishes you need to order, greatly increasing your chances of enjoying the meal. Unfortunately, his site is a bit of a relic with a bevy of broken or hidden links, and it’s been undergoing a bit of a laborious rebuild that’s taken a couple of years with no end in sight. He used to post really helpful lists (there were over 100 of them in various categories), but they have now been removed. However, I’ve found some of the links, so here they are:

500 Best Dishes in New Orleans - https://nomenu.com/?page_id=42494

Bucket List - A Dozen Best Restaurants: https://nomenu.com/?p=6606

Dozen Most Underrated Restaurants: https://nomenu.com/?p=39647

Bakers Dozen Best Restaurants for New Orleans Cuisine - https://nomenu.com/?p=51534

Dozen Best Breakfast Restaurants - https://nomenu.com/?p=4678

If you consult Fitzmorris’ recommendations, your odds of enjoying a great meal will increase exponentially.

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