#found the one other queer woman at my cousin's engagement party and talked to her for almost 4 hours i love her

[mashmouths]

EVERY DAY I AM THANKFUL TO BE GAY

[sapphicmsmarvel]

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You were in your home state visiting family. One of your cousins had her bridal party coincidentally around the time you were visiting your parents. You were having a great time with your cousins, but you missed Emily. 

Emily couldn’t join you this time but when you come to the wedding, she’s joining you. 

Which you were nervous for. 

Emily and you had been together for three years, you kept her a secret until your mom posted a picture of you two on facebook saying, “my daughter has the most beautiful girlfriend! Happy three years you two 💖”

It was a photo of you two baking in the kitchen, Garcia snapped it after Emily smeared icing on your nose and mouth. You were kissing Emily's nose, her face was all scrunched up and she was smiling. 

You loved your mother dearly, you just wished that she would’ve given you a warning before posting it. You got tons of texts and calls about it, your family was quite nosey. Loving, but nosey. 

You were driving to your cousin's house, Emily's voice on the speaker. “Baby, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” She reassured.

“Em, I didn’t come out to them before they found out about you! It’s weird going to a family party not having a secret.”

“I mean,” she began, “you do still kind of, have a secret.” 

You smiled, the picture of the ring coming into your head. “Yeah, they won’t find out about that for another two months though.” 

You didn’t want to show up to someone else’s wedding shower with an engagement ring on your finger. You didn’t want to steal the spotlight. Especially since you and the bride don’t have the closest relationship. 

You loved her obviously, you grew up together, but she got this I’m-Elite attitude in her teen years. That’s when you pulled away. 

If the bridal shower was farther away from the wedding, or if you got engaged before the wedding festivities started happening, that’s when you would’ve revealed the ring.

But, that was not the case. 

The ring was at home, you weren’t even telling your parents about the engagement. 

You sighed, gripping the steering wheel. “I wish you were here with me.” You said wistfully.

“I wish I was with you too. Don’t worry, next month I’ll be right by your side.” 

You smiled, pulling into the driveway, “okay, I’m here. I’ll text you in case I get anxious.” 

“I’m sure you’ll do great. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

----------------

It was five minutes into the party before you got a question about Em. 

“So no girlfriend?” 

Your relative was a very devout catholic woman. You knew that it’d be hard to see a queer relationship in the family for her. She’s never been outwardly homophobic that you’ve seen. But, she was trying to be supportive, yet, tiptoeing. That much you could tell. 

Thank God you profiled for a living. 

“Nah, she had to be at Quantico.” You smiled, picturing Emily’s ‘thinking’ face. Her lip between her teeth as her eyes absorbed the text she was reading. “But she’ll be at the wedding, that’s when I planned for everyone to know about her.” 

She nodded, “she looks very nice, your mom is just enthusiastic about you dating.” 

You laughed, “yeah, when she met Em, I almost died of embarrassment from her pulling out the photo albums.”

“But that’s all the fun of being a parent!” She nudged your shoulder. 

Your chest clenched, you appreciated the normalcy in this conversation. 

“I was worried…” you trailed off.

She nodded in understanding, “to be completely honest, we were surprised that you’re with a woman. And yes, it’ll take some adjusting. But you are family and we love you and Emily regardless.” She pulled you into a side hug. “We’re here for you Y/N.”

You blinked back tears and swallowed the lump in your throat. “Thank you.” 

She smiled again and walked away. You quickly pulled out your phone and texted Emily. 

“All is well.”

Before Em could respond, your relatives granddaughter, your cousin, walked up. She smiled at you, handing you a glass of champagne as you stuck your phone back in your pocket. “What was that?” You took the glass.

“Oh just me being emotional.” You looked down and swirled your champagne. 

“Just so you know, they asked me if I knew about her.” 

“Duh, of course you did.”

“But I said no,” she nudged your shoulder. “Why?” 

“This family is the noisiest family to exist. It’s your story, you should tell it.” “Thanks Tay.” You gave her a side hug.

“You should come back here if you want.”

You shook your head, “I’m starting a life out there. I don’t think I belong anywhere else.” 

“Just know that, we love you and I’m sorry if this family pushed you away.” 

“I know. The family cliques didn’t drive me away. The want for a place that didn’t know me did. I wanted to go somewhere where nobody knew me. Where I could be authentically myself.” 

She swallowed. “I can understand that.”

“You know you can come out to DC anytime right? Just call me and you can stay for a few days.” You sipped your drink.

Taylor smiled, “I’d like that.” 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night in your hotel room, you were thinking about what you told Taylor. How you started a new life. 

Emily was your home, her laugh was a song to your ears. Her smile could make any room shine bright. Her cinnamon spice smell was a comfort. Her weird habit of mixing scrambled eggs with ketchup, her horrendous cooking that made you both giggle. Dancing at three am when you both can’t sleep because of nightmares. 

Making hot chocolate every sunday morning. Getting pizza and watching horror movies every friday. Random walks in the park when the Japanese Cherry Blossoms are in bloom. 

That one time where you were both drunk and tried to talk to the Abraham Lincoln statue at the Lincoln Memorial. Going to Madame Tussauds and getting extremely creeped out by the wax figures. Exploring the Smithsonian museums and making Night At The Museum references.  

When you’re cooking and she’ll grind into you or smack your ass. Or when baking you guys will throw flour at each other or put dollops of frosting on each other's noses. 

Or when you’re having a bad day, you’ll just bury yourself into her cleavage and she’ll run her fingers through your hair. And she’ll do the exact same to you. 

Emily is your home. And you weren’t leaving.

[lesbianboobees-blog]

My coming out story

This is long, but to be fair, it took me 10 years. My thoughts may be a little scattered, I dont think I've told this story all the way through before.

I was 18, a senior in high school. I was that goth kid but I was also in the honors and AP classes. I mainly hung out with a small group of other goth/punk kids, a few were open lesbians. One of them, we will call her shannon, ended up being in my Spanish class. We got pretty close, and she started hitting on me. I had always liked her, and I realized maybe I did like her more than a friend. My senior year, a lot of other things had happened to really bring me out of my good girl shell. "Dont knock it till you try it" was basically my motto. So, eventually I slept with shannon. It was ming blowing. There was some typical lesbian triangle drama after that, so we never did it again or had a relationship. One time thing. I didn't really even consider that I only liked women at that point. I just thought "well, I guess I like girls too." And that was that.

My senior year, I had lost my virginity (I had been raised catholic and believed in saving sex for marriage), on a separate occasion I was sexually abused, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 2. A lot was going on. So I just decided to identify as bisexual.

As a note, I fully support all bisexuals. It is a real thing, it isnt a phase, or any of the other crap people say. In my case, dealing with bipolar disorder and everything else was already too much, I wasnt ready to deal with my sexuality.

I dated another lesbian in my group of friends for about a month. I dont even remember why we broke up, but we stayed friends after. After high school, I went back to dating guys because it was easier. I just got too nervous around women. (Yup, definitely gay). Now, I think bipolar disorder has had a big effect on this story. One of the parts of bipolar that isn't talked about is an extremely high sex drive. Since I wasnt very nervous around men, it was easier to fulfill my sex drive. I am still ashamed of that now, but shit happens. I got engaged to a guy a year and a half after graduating high school. But I freaked out about marriage and cheated on him. The one and only time I have ever cheated. I will never do that again. On to more relationships with men. I broke up with every single guy I was ever with. (Theres yet another sign). I had slept with a few more women, but still hadn't had another relationship yet. I was going to community college, and attendance failed most of my classes. Eventually I decided I wanted to become an automotive mechanic (gayyy). I moved to Arizona to go to a technical school. 2 year program, and I did not live in the school housing program. The whole school was probably 95% men. There was one lesbian I was friends with, she was in a toxic relationship she refused to get out of. So, I was with guys again. Near the end of the program, there was a party I went to. this straight girl admitted she had a major crush on me. So, we slept together. After.. she bowed to me. Full on kneeling on the floor bowing. I was sure she was just drunk and being silly. But unlike anyone else I had been with in school, I was proud of being with her. (Oh the gayness). There was one other girl I had met that I wanted to be in a relationship with, but she didn't seem interested in anything more than sex. I knew I was probably leaving after I graduated anyway. So there wasnt a good reason to pursue it.

I graduated, and moved back home. It was a rough time. All my friends were gone. They got married, or had kids, or moved away. It was so lonely. Going from having so many friends around me for 2 years.. to zero... depression hit hard.

A guy I knew from college stayed in touch and showed interest in a relationship. A few months later, I was moving to Ohio to be with him. Worst years ever. The depression was so overwhelming, and he was clueless. I was lucky enough to find a roommate so I could break up and move out. Eventually I got a job back home and went back. Again, no friends. Same damn story, a guy at my new job showed interest. I guess my thought process was "I just need to try different types of guys". Another relationship. During this one, my only gay cousin died in an accident at the age of 34. It absolutely crushed me. I was not close with him, and barely talked to him, and it took me a long time to realize why it hit me so hard.

After I ended that relationship, I reconnected with my high school ex girlfriend. He was transitioning and wanted my support. He introduced me to his friend, we will call her Jenny.

Now, this part still stings. But it was the relationship that changed things for me in a lot of ways. She pointed out things from my past that were exceptionally gay. And that got me thinking. Really, that was the only good thing to come out of that relationship. After 8 months together, I slowly found out she is a sociopath, pathological liar, and lied and manipulated her way through absolutely everything and everyone. I broke up with her after 10 months. Great first real relationship with a woman. Anyway.

2017 and 2018 (age 26 and 27) was when I really took a good look at my past and considered my sexuality. There were soooooo many things that made me think. I went from " maybe I like girls more than guys" to "holy crap, I'm so fucking gay". But at the same time, I was trying to heal from the deep scars left by that toxic relationship. I started working out at the gym, trying to lose weight, and just focusing on bettering myself. It took me therapy and a little over a year to finally feel like I had healed enough to trust again. Meanwhile, I haven't dated or slept with anyone.

I am 28 now. 10 years from my first gay experience, and I want to have queer friendships and maybe start dating again. I am overcoming the shame of being gay that was learned in my catholic upbringing. 2 of my 3 siblings know I'm gay, and are fine with it. I'm still not out to my parents. I have been living with them so I could pay off my student loans. I'm so close to getting them completely paid off. This year, my goal was to move out and come out to my parents. I dont think my dad will react well, and i would rather not be homeless. Until i can move out, i want to make friends. The vicious cycle of loneliness leading to relationships is going to stop.

I also wanted to mention, when I identified as bisexual, I felt like I wasnt accepted into the LGBTQ community. There was a few women I would've loved to be in a relationship with, but I got the vibe that they werent interested because I was bisexual. I realize now that i may have made that up as an excuse. But I understand the bi struggle. And I fully support every letter of the LGBTQIA community. I dont want anyone to feel like they dont belong here. We are stronger together, and can make a huge difference in each others lives.

That's why now identifying as a lesbian, I feel like a baby gay. Even though I have experience with women sexually, everything else is new. I've heard people say that our generation has had it so much easier coming out, mainly because of the internet. I did not find this true. I was so lost, I didn't even know where to start, or what to search. I mean, you can't search anything lesbian without filtering through a fuckton of porn. I didn't know how to find the information I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted to know. I felt (feel) like a teenager all over again trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this community.

And that's where this blog starts.

Please feel free to comment, I'm always open to advice and conversation. Also, please be respectful, it feels very vulnerable putting this out there. But I feel it is important to share these stories. If just one person feels less alone and can relate, it was worth it to share.