#freaking seminary failed me

[cateyedfox36]

Freaking seminary failed me! Aim's codename is Messanger. The literal translation of Malak, the Hebrew word for angel, is messenger. So bc of the transliteration stuff, Hot Sauce heard Malak, got Angel, not messenger.

[skullhaver]

I would also like to know wheel of fortune and temperance in reverse for my good friends question, dermot, and tarsenna

Beloved NPCs! I dug into some rotation depths for these.

The Wheel of Fortune: What are your character’s proudest successes?

Question - So far: being the first Cobalt Soul member to connect the hazy legend of the Apotheon to the very-real historical ruins of Cael Morrow. In the future: she dreams of contributing a detailed, written account of Alyxian's story (and the Moonlighters' story!) to the Cobalt Soul's archives.

Dermot - The first time he ever saved someone's life using healing magic. It was only a month after he'd returned to his home village after years of Luxon seminary. His sister was fishing in the Emerald Gulch and was attacked by a stingray, badly wounded. Although Dermot was very afraid for his sister and very afraid of failing, he stayed brave and saved her life!

Tarsenna - Attending the graduation ceremony of the first class of Aurora Watch trainees that they were primarily responsible for training and overseeing. We've mostly seen Tarsenna be relaxed and jovial, but the pressure of their first time being In Charge messed with their head and really stressed them out. It was immensely satisfying for them to realize they did have what it took to be a good teacher and mentor.

Temperance in Reverse: When has your character felt overwhelmed?

Question - Question spent a decent amount of time in Bazzoxan with y'all feeling pretty overwhelmed tbh! That was her first big mission, and she got so freaked out her by the things demons whispered to her in the Rise, she left! Then she found out that she'd been working for the Icozrins to a greater extent than she even realized at first. And then wanted out but wasn't sure she had the power to negotiate that. If she seems really chipper and relieved these days, a lot of the bad shit has resolved for her!

Dermot - Respectfully, lovingly--Dermot Wurder wakes up feeling overwhelmed and often goes to bed feeling overwhelmed, too.

Tarsenna - Tarsenna is a pretty challenging person to overwhelm. They have a good sense of their limits and tend to either delegate tasks or remove themself from situations before they get too gnarly. The last question really got me thinking that Espen has definitely seen Tarsenna overwhelmed during those first few cohorts of Watch recruits that Tarsenna was put in charge of training. Tarsenna was genuinely intimidated by the responsibility and lost their cool on more than one occasion. ("Am I even doing this right? What are they even doing, looking up to me?") Needless to say, they've come really far from that time!

[jeonsduck]

Messy

Incubus!San

Genre: Smut

Warnings: 18+ only, no minors. Dirty talk, oral sex, semi-public sex, cursing 

In your defense, it wasn't like San looked like a demon. Though you were quickly learning demons didn't look that different from humans anyway. Other than the forked tongue, horns, and cat-like tail, there was very little that marked San as 'demonic' physically. He didn't act much like a demon either, more like a very large child. He told you it was just a facade to attract prey (such as yourself). However, you suspected that his sunny disposition was just the default for him. But maybe the two week long barrage of intense wet dreams starring only San should have tipped you off. Especially considering, at the time you'd never even met San in person. But you put it down to it having been way to long since you last touched another human being in a romantic way, and decided to change that by going out. And maybe when the literal subject of your wet dreams appeared at the first bar you decided to hit up, that probably should have set off some warning bells. And maybe it did, but you ignored it becuase San was attractive and interested and well, San. And maybe there were other red flags, like the sharpness of his teeth, or the red glint in his eyes. (Or the sigil burned into the floor of his apartment, but it was dark and you were distracted, okay?) Whatever warnings you did or didn't miss didn't matter, because you still woke up in his bed the next day with his sigil carved into your hip. From that morning forward, your soul belonged to San. But not in a fire and brimstone kind of way, more like love bites and blowjobs. Anytime San got hungry (which was often), the sigil would glow red, and you'd start to feel his hunger. And it would keep building and building until he fed. In the beginning of your relationship, you'd been so freaked out you tried everything keep him at bay. But nothing worked. Not crosses, not exorcisms, not holy water, or even your threats to join seminary. "That would be kinky, but it wouldn't keep me away. I'm not that kind of demon." Theoretically, if you had ignored the pull long enough, the urges would have kept mounting leaving you completely insatiable and eventually insane. Ah, the old 'fuck or die', a true classic. So with no more ideas on how to get rid of San and a nearly constant need to get railed, you gave up and tried to make the best of your new position in life. "Look at it this way." San explained after he'd popped in for a 'snack' one afternoon. "It could be worse. If I was a vampire you wouldn't be having nearly as much fun." Which was true. You liked having sex with San, becuase he was fucking good at fucking you. (He liked to boast that no mere human could compare to one of his kind, but whatever.) What you didn't enjoy so much, was San's timing. He didn't quite understand arbitrary human things like responsibilites, and prior engagements, and public decency.  Like today, when he decided he was absolutely starving in the middle of your history lecture. You felt the sigil heat up and gasped. Seriously? Right now? You sneakily slipped your phone out of your bag and shot him a text. (Whay a demon had a phone, you didn't know, but at least it was convenient for you.)

You: You've gotta be kidding. Right now?

San replied almost immediately, like he'd been waiting for you message.

Demon Boy: Yes, right now! I'm hungry! :(((

You sighed and rested your head against your desk, trying not to scream. Was it getting hot in here already?

You: You fed on Monday. Anyway, I'm in class right now, can't you wait, like, 45 minutes?

Demon Boy: No, I can't, and it's not like you'll fail if you miss one class. -_-

You groan as silently as you can. San never had been one for delayed gratification.

You: Not this class! The professor will skin me alive if I'm not here for roll call and the attendance question at the end.

San takes a few minutes to reply this time, typing and retyping his response. The need you're feeling doesn't let up though and you end up squeezing your thighs together for some kind of relief.

Demon Boy: Oh it's THAT class. >:[ Demon Boy:.... You just need to be there for roll call and a question???

You squint at your phone. You don't like that, sounding like San is planning something. Never a good sign.

You: ....yeah? Why?

Demon Boy: I have an idea ;p

You: What do you mean? You: San, what are you talking about?! You: San, answer me! You: CHOI SAN

The second your last text goes through there's a soft 'pop!' and a puff of black smoke and San is suddenly reclining in the seat next to you. Thank God, you sit at the back of the class where no one can see your demon boyfriend spontaneously generate.

"What are you doing here?!" You hiss as San looks around the lecture hall. "So this is college. Gross. I can't understand why humans put themselves through stuff like this. As if Hell isn't a real place. Shouldn't you at least be happy while you're on Earth?" he drawls.

"Can I help you or did you just come to sit in on my lecture? I thought you were hungry." You snap and San's eyes flash red.

"Oh I am. Starving honestly. You never feed me on time." San pouts, playing with the drawstring on your hoodie.

"No, you're utterly insatiable, so there's no such thing as on schedule." You reply and San giggles.

"You're right about that. Now, this professor... where's his office?" San asks, looking up from under his lashes at you.

"The history building, second floor. Room 234, but why-" your question is cut off by the feeling of being sucked through a tube and spun around a G-Force simulator. "Jesus Christ San, I thought I told you to warn me becore you do that." You griped, stumbling into him.

"Sorry. Is this the right office?" He asked, holding out an arm to steady  you. You looked up to see that San had transport the both of you into your shitty professor's office.

"San what exactly are you planning to do?" You ask, suddenly nervous. "You." When San answers you can see he's let the illusion that hides his demonic appearance slip. Red eyes, stubby horns, sharp teeth, and his tail lashing behind him.

"No, I mean in here." You venture, even as San hoists you into his arms. He carries you around the desk, setting you down on the professor's side. He kisses you before he answers, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip, making you gasp. He takes the opportunity to lick into your mouth a little before pulling back to answer you. "We are going to make a mess. All over your professor's desk." He says, trailing kisses down your neck. You arch into them and simultaneously try to push him away becuase oh hell no, you are NOT failing this class because of San. "Nope, no no no. You wanna eat? Fine, fuck me in the quad for all I care, but not in this office." you say, finally succeeding in removing San from where he'd been sucking a mark onto you collar bone.

San looked up at you, red eyes nearly glowing. He scoffs, pressing a gentle kiss to your shoulder.

"I promise, we won't get caught. You won't fail because of this. Anyway, you don't want to show up that asshole? You don't want to get back at him for degrading you and calling you an idiot in this office?" San reasoned, but he sounded pissed.

"San, are you... mad at my professor?" You ask, coking your head to the side.

San pouts, but hides his face in the crook of your neck before you can properly see it. He wraps his arm around your waist and huffs. You loop your hands around his neck to return the hug. "You're perfect. Who the fuck does he think he is, insulting you?" He mumbles into your neck and you can't help but chuckle at him.

"Aww, you care about me." You tease but San pulls back and looks you in the eyes.

"Of course I care about you. I chose you in the first place. Now, do you want to keep being sappy or can I eat now?" He says, eyeing you up like a buffet.

You laugh, pulling him back into your arms.

"Let's make a mess."

As always, San started off gentle. He kisses his way down your sternum, slowly removing your shirt and then unbuttoning your jeans. You lift your hips to help him slip the pants off of your legs. At the same time, he placed a kiss above you bellybutton, glancing up to catch your eyes. Whenever San fucked you because he was hungry, he wasn't much for foreplay. It wasn't necessary because you've spent the last fiteen or so minutes just as desperate as he is. He held your eyes as he peeled off your underwear, chuckling as you lifted your hips up for him again. He put one of your legs over his shoulder and placed a kiss on your knee. The other thigh he splayed his fingers across, pinning it to the desk and leaving finger shaped bruises behind. He held you legs apart as he pressed another kiss to your inner thigh, slowly trailing closer and closer to where you really wanted him. San tended to enjoy overwhelming you, making you come again and again until he was tired of seeing your face contorted in pleasure. This often meant that he took his 'feeding' quite literally. You whined when he first licked over your hole, hands flying to your mouth to keep yourself quiet, lest any of the faculty come to see what's going on. San chuckled, licking another long stripe over you. "Always so sensitive." He hummed before continuing to eat you out like a starving man. Even with your hands covering your mouth, a good portion of your whimpers and moans made it out, filling to room with muffled desperate noises. San quickly became bored with just making you squirm and writhe with his tongue. He wanted you to cum. He moved the hand that was holding your thigh down to slip a finger into you alongside his tongue. You squealed at the sudden intrusion, clenching in surprise and San finally came up for air. "You would think after  a while maybe you wouldn't be so tight, but you never cease to amaze, do you babe?" You nodded absently, your head thunking back against the desk. San,continued to lick around his finger before adding another and crooking them both up, looking for that spot that woild make you see stars. Either becuase he was a sex demon or becuase you'd done this so many times he hit it straight on, making your back arch up off of the desk. "Does that feel good baby? Hmm? Do you like that?" He asked, smirking as you struggled to answer him. "Yes! Nng, fuck yes that feels good Sannie."  You moaned in response. "That's good baby. Are you gonna cum for me?" He asked, now pumping his fingers into you at a rapid pace. You nodded again, not trusting your voice as you barreled towards your orgasm. San chuckled, reaching with his other hand to tweak at your nipple. The sigil on your hip was pulsating almost in time with San's fingers as he worked to get you off. "Gonna-, gonna cum!" You managed to squeak out before your orgasm hit you. San fingered you through it, right up until you grabbed his arm to make him stop. He inhaled deeply, absorbing the sexual energy your orgasm gave off. He wasn't sure what it was about you, but you made feeding so much more delicious. After one orgasm technically you could have stopped. In fact, San cumming didn't give him any more energy at all. However, being full didn't mean he was finished with you. He peppered kisses over your chest and torso as you recovered from your first orgasm, leaning up at the end to catch you lips with his. His kisses worked to relax and distract you, and you didn't even know  he'd taken his pants off until you feel the head of his cock press against your entrance. You looked up at him with a quirked eyebrow but he jsut kissed your chin and said, "We agreed on making a mess." You snorted and slid your legs farther apart to give San better access. He slid into you in one slow thrust, his face scrunched up in pleasure as you sighed beneath him. He wraps his fingers around your waist, his thumb rubbing over the sigil as it started to glow again. "You know what?" He said, pulling back slowly and thrusting shallowly so you could adjust. "Hmm?" You wondered absently. "I don't think I could ever get tired of this. You feel so good, wet and tight on my dick.... perfect." He mused, finally giving you a thrust with some actual force behind it. You gasped, smiling. You weren't sure you'd ever get tired of San fuckimg you either. He setna moderate but rough pace, punching breathy little 'ah, ah, ah's' out of your mouth on every stroke. You clawed at his back, trying to find something to hold onto as he fucked you up the desk. "My baby makes such pretty noises when we fuck." San hummed, lazily rolling his hips into you just so he could hear you beg him to go faster. "Faster? Like this?" He asked pushing your knees back and pounding into you like a... well like a demon. "Yes! Ah, yes, just like that! Don't stop!" You cried, no longer worried about someone walking in on you. "That's silly, why would I stop when my baby feels so good?" San mused, leaning down to lick over your nipple. You were getting close again, and warned San of your approaching orgasm. "Mm, go ahead if you want to, but I'm not going to stop just because you cum. I want to get off too." He simpers and you're so jealous of his ability to speak coherently while fucking you into next week. But San is getting close too unable to keep the even rythym he set up at the beggining, jackhammering into you in order to chase his own orgasm. You cum first, bak arching off of the desk and your head rolling back with your mouth open in an 'o' shape. San isn't to far behind you, your cleching hole pulling his orgasm out of him.  You get to take all of three seconds to catch your breathe before the door to the office starts to open. "What the fuck is going on in here?" your professor asks, but by the time he's got the door fully open and enters the room, you and San have disappeared in a puff of black smoke. You do leave behind a stack of test papers and lecture notes covered in sweat and cum.

"You.promise he didn't see us?" You ask, for the fifth time. San sighs, rolling his eyes at you. "I promise. Don't worry about him anymore, okay?"

As it turns out, San was right. You didn't have to worry about that professor ever again. When the university cancelled your class the next week, some snooping revealed that your teacher had been fired from his position, after supposedly becoming a nymphomaniac overnight, getting arrested for public indecency over the weekend, and then being admitted for treatment for his sudden and acute sex addiction. The multiple cum soaked test papers in his office didn't help his case.

Demon Boy: Want to grab a snack?

[a-queer-seminarian]

(not really a content warning but maybe content warning?) um head’s up, weird venting ahead! uhhh please do n’t rebl og this!

hey friends! ...can i call y’all friends? do i actually have any friends on this site??? .........anyone else wish they had more friends in this time of pandemic?

......i’m super sunburned from protesting for 5 hours and i think. it has made my brain woozy????

ANYway!! i’m really happy to say i’ve started my summer internship at my church in Alabama, from over here in Atlanta! since everything is online these days it’s possible for me to help virutally!!! it means a lot to me to get to connect to my home church, which i found while a lost little baby queer in undergrad. ....but i’m also scared that i’m going to fail them. gosh. i’m so nervous!!!

i believe i’m set to do about 20 hours of work per week and i’m just like. what if i don’t do enough??? and they’re counting on me!!!!!

i’m trying to remind myself that the stakes are not so high that if i fail the whole church will collapse or anything. it won’t even hurt me that much -- i am so. so privileged to have a wife with such a good job that she’s able to support the two of us on her paycheck.

,,,but i want to do good by this church. it’s such a lovely church.......even if part of me is like “gosh. y’all, get a dang twitter already so you know what the heck is going on in the world and don’t mix up ‘defunding the police’ with ‘abolishing the police’ already”

anyway. i could use some...prayers? advice? i don’t even know. just some love as i do my best to help this church.

because of the protests that are, thank God, exploding across the US, a large part of my job is helping facilitate some discussions on racism with this white-majority church. and i just want to do that well, because i do believe these folks will walk the walk if i can talk the talk with them, if that makes sense. it’s very much a church that shows up when called upon, which is more than some churches can say, so i am very proud of them.

but......gosh. what if i fail. what if i don’t do enough.

......meanwhile!! my fellow seminary grads have real jobs as actual pastors, and chaplains, and so on!!! and here i am freaking out over another low-stakes, low-income intern "job”. ........kinda pathetic.

again. gotta remind myself that ya know, “one spirit, many gifts” -- I’m autistic, and my progress in a world not made for me is not going to look like non-autistic, abled people’s progress. and that’s okay.

but i’m also like,. Damn! get a real job already!!

while also at the same time, the more session meetings and church groups i sit in on the more i’m like....i think i might actually lose all my very limited marbles if i were to be a full time head honcho pastor!! ....am i called to teaching/??? or.....nothing. oh jeeze the world won’t be very impressed by that no one takes my ~~~online ministry~~~ seriously

,....

me at everyone else: f!!k what the world says!!! your worth is NOT determined by what you contribute to capitalism!! you are worthy even if The World deems your societal input as “nothing”

me at myself: wow you suck for not being able to hold a job, i bet leah’s so sick of having to support you, i bet your parents think you’re a failure......

[windmilltothestars]

Random Facts About Me

I was tagged by the glorious @dwarven-beard-spores to say 5 random facts about myself!  So here goes!

1.) At the moment, I work as an English language teacher in Yeosu, South Korea.  I am heavily considering applying to seminary to become a deaconess in my church synod in the future.  It was my Pastor’s idea, but there are a lot of reasons why it appeals to me for my future.

2.) I’ve never had a boyfriend, despite constantly wanting one since I was about 14. The closest I came was having two dates with a guy on consecutive weekends.  Midway through the second date, the guy told me we should just be friends.  Sometimes my students ask if I have a boyfriend, and when I say no, I always hold out a vain hope that they’ll offer to introduce me to their single older brother/cousin/youthful uncle.

3.) I own a couple of ‘advice animals.’  Meaning, in this case, a stuffed animal named after a fictional character, whom I can personify as that character, giving me advice.  So I have a rabbit named Obi-Wan for when I’m feeling young and foolish and emotional, and I need wise, patient, noble, enduring Jedi advice.  And I have a tiger named Alexander (Hamilton), for when I’m unsure and timid, and need aggressive, determined, unyielding, go-for-it advice.  I have mildly freaked myself out with getting into character giving my stuffed animals voices to tell me what to do.

4.) Despite deep emotional investment, I very rarely actually cry at TV shows and movies.  So the things that DO make me cry tend to stand out a lot.  The list includes 1) the first time I saw Tangled, during “I See the Light” and when Flynn fake-died, 2) a film adaptation of Great Expectations when Pip returns home and Joe forgives him for everything, 3) the song “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat world, in a grocery store on what I guess was a stressful day, 4) The Island of Dr. Libris, a children’s book written by a librarian that I heard on tape, in which a boy goes to a magic island and meets characters from his favorite books. When he is sad to have to leave the island and his fictional friends at the end of the summer, Maid Marian assures him “we will always be with you” - meaning inside the books themselves, 5) one of the final pages of the Yu-Gi-Oh! manga in Shonen Jump, in which Atem departs for the afterlife with all his friends crying as they bid him farewell.  The page still bears my tear.

5.) I’m attempting NaNoWriMo again this year, gorrammit!  I’ve failed it about five times in the past, and usually conclude it’s not for me, it just causes misery.  But once when I was younger I wrote down a career goal as “get a book published before I’m 25!” and I’ll be 25 next year and this seems like my best way of sort-of fulfilling that goal.  It’s not going well so far, but I’m trying to work out a new system for writing times, and get past these first few scenes into the ‘good stuff’ I have planned.

Whew, I probably got carried away by details - as usual - but there you, go, five facts!  I tag @skeleton-richard, @magnetocerebro, @scienceoftheidiot, @star-struck-and-waiting and @nikniknikin to participate if they want to!  No pressure! <3

[wits-writing]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 3 Ep 3: “Josh is a Liar” review

[My other Crazy Ex-Girlfriend reviews here]

Rebecca puts her plan to destroy Josh into high gear before he has the chance to potentially destroy her. Meanwhile, Heather is forced to deal with her impending graduation and Nathaniel tries to get over his crush on Rebecca.

[Full review under the cut]

Rebecca’s efforts at damage control comprise the majority of this episode’s story and there’s a lot to dig into there. However, since the two songs in this episode are more directly connected to the Heather and Nathaniel’s respective subplots, I’ll be starting with them.

The story this week that has the least immediate effect or connection to anything else going on is a story that marks the end of one of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s earliest running jokes, that Heather always talks about being a student when people ask her what she does. Her story starts this episode with the bursar at her community college telling her that she’s taken every class they offer at least once, so she has no choice but to accept her graduation. Heather, from the moment she first appeared, has been shown as a perpetual underachiever. This was explained last season when we saw how her parents supported her willingness to quit any goals she set for herself in the episode “When will Josh and His Friend Leave Me Alone” (not the only tie back to that one in this episode.)

While she’s dealing with these new possibilities, she gets trapped into performing a hilariously cliched inspirational song called “The Moment is Me.” Her lack of enthusiasm while singing about “following that rainbow” and “soaring like an eagle” make a great sendup of the dime-a-dozen songs about uncertain futures that are often played or sung at graduation ceremonies. The lack of energy in her performance is put into contrast with the overly-energetic pair of backup dancers that follow her through this number. The resolution to Heather’s story ends up being that she does go along with her graduation, after not going along with the suggestion of an absentminded Rebecca that she should fail her last class on purpose.

Also dealing with Rebecca’s lack of attention towards anything that isn’t her own problems this episode is Nathaniel unsure of how to deal with the way he feels about her. After nearly destroying the lives and reputations of Josh’s family last episode, Nathaniel tries to apologize to Rebecca for it but with her mind on her own dilemma she pushes past him and leaves him alone with these feelings. He gets advice from the perpetually fired/re-hired George telling him that he needs to reassert his status over Rebecca by asking her out on another date then leaving her in the morning. When Rebecca is once again to far caught up in her business to follow through on that date, Nathan does the one thing that’s guaranteed to cheer him up.

What he does is detailed in a sendup of “Hotline Bling” called “I Go to the Zoo”, which is about exactly what it says on the tin. Nathan just kind of wanders around the zoo and takes in the sight on the animals to relax and he does this often enough that he’s on a first name basis with the night guard at the San Diego Zoo. The comedy in this song mostly comes from a subversion of posturing hip hop songs about the singer drowning their misery in alcohol and meaningless hookups with girls at the club. It starts by seeming like that’s the route it’s going before the first swerve into the titular chorus. The passion Nathan has when he sings about the connection he finds with the zoo animals relaxing him and when he ends up getting kicked out of an aquarium help make this the better of the two songs in the episode, even if Heather’s song is funny as an in-show moment I don’t see myself listening to it much on its own. After his trip to the zoo does nothing to quell his feelings for Rebecca, he’s finally able to accept on some level that he has feelings for her that go deeper than he’s let himself admit.

Finally getting around to the plotline the episode is named for, Rebecca is panicking over the fact that she told Josh everything she’s done in her attempts to be with him. Her anxiety gets so intense that it mentally manifest to her in the image of her younger self. She goes back and forth with this delusion about how she should go about handling this and the guilt she’s feeling over all of it. Her first instinct is to tell Paula that they’re dropping the case against Josh for leaving her at the altar, lying by saying she doesn’t think the case is strong enough to take to court. When she finds out Josh is leaving seminary and coming back to West Covina with the intent to tell people about what happened, she takes some of the most drastic actions we’ve ever seen her take in the series.

She uses an interview about her case against Josh with a feminist blog that Paula set up as an opportunity to wreck Josh’s reputation in the eyes of the public. Rebecca tells the blogger that Josh is a “lying liar man” who’s also a sexist, racist, homophobic anti-vaxxer and Holocaust denier. She makes sure that after the article gets spread around as much as possible among Josh’s social circle once it gets posted. Her shady plan does end up working as we see when Josh makes it back to meet up with his friends when he gets back in town and they all reject him trying to reconnect, while not believing any of the stuff he tells them about what Rebecca actually did to him. She gets what she wanted, even if it leaves her feeling uneasy. However, Josh doesn’t let his reputation go down without finding some way to save himself, as we see when he pulls out the file on Rebecca’s past that Trent gave him at the end of season 2, which he never opened because he was afraid of what it said but kept in case he needed it.

He takes the file to Father Brah, who opens it and they find out the full truth about who Robert is, how Rebecca burned down his home and why she went to Yale Law instead of Harvard after she had a restraining order put against her. The information within this file is enough to shake everyone who finds out about it, which essentially means everyone in Rebecca’s immediate social circle, Paula even says “It’s like we never really knew her.” Rebecca freaks out and plans to run away by taking advantage of Nathan’s offer to travel to some place far away on his private jet, but before she can she’s confronted by all her friends.

“Josh Is a Liar” is another step on the downward spiral Rebecca has been on since the start of this season as she takes some of the worse actions we’ve seen from her since the series began. She’s dived headfirst into these drastic measures and it has her questioning if the friends she’s made since she arrived in West Covina were ever really her friends. The fact that the Heather and Nathaniel’s subplots are relatively lighter material is a good respite from what Rebecca is doing this episode, so the tone of the show overall remains balanced. It leaves our main character in a tough spot and wherever it goes from here next episode in “Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend is Crazy” will certainly be interesting to say the least.

[obviouslyelementary]

Switched up

After @lunarhowl ‘s switch AU I spent days imagining what the other universe would be like so...

I made a small list of characteristics.

Go check out their blog it’s amazing!

-----

Secondary Switches:

Father Anxiety (switched with Morality);

-          All the sad, depressing jokes;

-          Very dark humor;

-          Glasses;

-          Mean dad;

-          Sarcastic af;

-          Will physically hurt whoever hurts his children;

-          Gives surprise presents;

-          Denies it was him.

Nerdy Prince (switched with Logic):

-          Extremely shy;

-          Knows everything there is to know about Disney;

-          Has read all the original stories to every Disney movies and all the references;

-          Glasses;

-          Tries not to get over excited about everything;

-          Fails

-          Wants hugs 24/7 but never asks for them.

Sad Morality (switched with Anxiety):

-          Sad dad;

-          Smiles for kids;

-          Cries alone in his bedroom every day;

-          Hates his job no matter how much he says he doesn’t;

-          Currently with a headache;

-          Wants to die 24/7;

-          Much tears;

-          ‘You hate me, don’t you?’

Hot Logic (switched with Prince):

-          ‘Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I’m hot for teacher’;

-          Terrible morals;

-          Extra credits;

-          Constant sexual jokes;

-          Has slept with everyone;

-          Teaches by watching 18+ movies;

-          College teacher;

-          Death stare.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

Tertiary Switches:

Professor Anxiety (switched with Logic):

-          Hates his job;

-          All the black clothes;

-          Gives either 50 pages of homework or nothing at all;

-          Glasses;

-          Done with all the shits;

-          Protects shy students;

-          Makes fun of bullies during classes;

-          ‘I don’t want to teach this subject so you are all doing a seminary’.

Soft Prince (switched with Morality):

-          Soft;

-          Wears glasses;

-          Loves Disney but likes adult musicals better;

-          Very silly;

-          Giggles for no reason;

-          Wants no dates;

-          Asexual aromantic snowflake;

-          Is actually the king of his kingdom but tells no one.

Flirty Morality (switched with Prince):

-          The biggest DILF that ever existed;

-          Wants people to call him daddy;

-          Flirts with EVERYONE;

-          Shitty pick-up lines;

-          Dramatic af;

-          Fuck boy;

-          An old fuck boy.

Panic Logic (switched with Anxiety):

-          Desperate;

-          Knows about all the diseases;

-          Constantly freaking out;

-          Afraid of death;

-          Afraid of life;

-          Constantly scared;

-          Help;

-          Has panic attacks every day.

[boldncourageous]

Just wanted to process here... because I’ve been failing at processing everything that’s been hitting me these days. 

So let’s start with my current state of being. I’ve been feeling really sad lately. I don’t want to say depressed, because I’m not entirely sure it is depression, but perhaps it is close to it. Another reason why I don’t want to say its depression is because in a way, I feel like I’m not supposed to be depressed. My reasoning being: I’m a seminary student and I’m studying at church. I’m not supposed to be depressed. But maybe... I am. 

I’ve been discovering a lot of brokenness in me lately. Part of it is due to my spiritual formation class and meeting with my spiritual director. Another part of it is... life. It’s hard to go into full detail, but I’ll try to explain everything succinctly and briefly. I am struggling with a form of perfectionism, and I think I have been since I was a child. To be more specific, I’m always envisioning a perfect, ideal version of myself who is what everyone expects from me and what I expect from myself. Some things include: being disciplined (reading the Bible daily, waking up early, sleeping early, being organized with my schedule and not making mistakes), being a good friend (who doesn’t ever say anything really negative in fear of being rejected, unloved, or disliked), being a good church girl/youth leader (arriving at church early, always having something “holy” to say to people, always being kind, always saying the right thing), being a good daughter (who is busy, makes money, tries to spend time with parents), being a good seminary student (who is always engaged in classes, giving good advice to people, etc). This is most of it, but so many other expectations are orchestrating my life. 

A lot of these pressures I put on myself come from me desperately and constantly trying to please my parents as a child. I am a pastor’s kid, so I’ve learned to pretend and adjust to people’s moods and behaviors. And I think my parents’ behavior towards me were catalysts to me thinking this way. For example (even now), whenever I excel at something, I am praised and loved. But whenever I fail, whether it be waking up late, not doing homework, etc. they don’t talk to me or they have a negative comment about it. And now it’s been a lot better, but the thing is, I subconsciously expect being scolded whenever I make a mistake. There’s a voice in my head that curses me whenever I “fail” and sin. Like: “wow, you did this again. If I were God, I would hate you,” “I wish you would never wake up,” “you aren’t loved by anyone,” “why are you making so many mistakes? Aren’t you supposed to be holy? Aren’t you supposed to be better than this?” Of course, these thoughts aren’t true, but sometimes I take in those voices and collect them in my heart. 

And now, I’ve collected enough thorns. I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of living up to expectations. I’ve cried to God so many times yesterday-- that He was the only one who knew me completely and yet loved me. He didn’t love the fake, ideal version of me. He loves the absolutely messy me. But it’s hard for me to accept that. It’s hard for me to love myself and my failures. So when I’m sad, I try to convince myself I’m not sad-- that I’m okay. And I convince myself by constantly focusing my mind on other things. But yesterday, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get out of bed because my sadness was so debilitating. I cursed myself for being so pathetic, and I despised my parents for giving me this mindset. I tried to sleep everything away, but of course that’s not possible. When I woke up again and again, I tried to distract myself out of my sadness, but that just ended with me sobbing and feeling empty. But even through this sadness, I didn’t feel too lonely, because I had God to talk to. Right now, He is the one I’m clinging onto and for that I’m thankful. But it’s so. freaking. hard. 

So this is me now. I hope and pray that I learn to be imperfect with other people. Even telling others that I’m having a horrible day is a step forward to something. I hope that I will learn to be honest with how I feel, that I would not despair about other peoples’ thoughts, and most of all, I hope that I would continue to cling to God. In these types of moments though, He is the only one I can desperately cry out to. So thanks Father, for being good, for loving this sad me, and thanks for knowing me.