#from delusional to settled down and introspective and understanding and then right back to delusional and pissed again

[mcardoso]

Backlash

And here…here is our ‘piéce de resistance’. The latest addition to our humble residential retreat: the tranquility den. This is where the ceremony will take place. As you can see, we opted for an East-meets-Midwest vibe, taking inspiration from Ayurveda principles and Feng shui. Think curved walls, an open space and lots of natural light. We find that a bright open space is just the most wonderful vehicle to connect with the absolute. Being here feels like… standing in a big mirror. Reflective. Peaceful. Absolutely transcendent. When the entire assembly gathers together and meditates, you can feel everyone actively relearning themselves, in a much deeper way than they had ever thought they could. It’s magical. To be perfectly honest, the worst thing about being the eminent chief, is that I personally don’t get to spend as much time meditating, but that’s the burden of being a visionary, a minister of light. No one can truly understand.

I like to call it our Sandals Resort for the soul. Every day, our four hundred residents and many of our loyal Instagram followers who tune in online, routinely partake in our daily introspection sessions, morning yoga, intuitive massage, dancing sessions…sometimes we even bring in a DJ on Saturdays. Whoever said soul searching couldn’t be fun? We celebrate the joyous stages of human experience just like anyone else. But we’re not like everyone else. We have a mission. A noble pursuit. To elevate our minds to a higher plane of being, the Kingdom. Dramatic, I know. However, if we are to gain access to the Kingdom, we must do the work. That’s the part few understand. We are here to work. On ourselves, on our minds and spirits. On our souls. As eminent chief, I am here to empower and instruct. I’m hoping this interview sets the record straight on that.

We couldn’t be more excited that you are joining us today. It’ll be a real treat to experience the Purifying Ceremony for the first time. I’m jealous of you! To be perfectly honest, we are long overdue for one. I think some of the recent bad press- the article that shall not be named- has really placed a hamper on our spirits. We started the day with a gorgeous morning hike, did some guided meditation and now we’re all running around getting everything ready for tonight. Don’t worry, it’s nothing crazy. No robe wearing crew around a huge caldron. We’ll just all gather together, take turns venting, purging all of the negativity out into the energy field. Then, I’ll naturally take the stage and counsel the entire assembly. That is my absolute favorite part. To stand in front of my brothers and sisters, and feel the love, the respect…the admiration. It’s… intoxicating.

I don’t really plan my lectures ahead of time or anything. I usually just close my eyes, and hope for that tranquil awakening to express itself verbally. It’s a very, very spiritual experience. Much like taking your bra off at the end of a very long day. I must admit though, tonight I do have somewhat of an agenda. I feel it is my duty to address some of the issues that have come to light that outsiders really don’t understand about our movement.

 I just despise talking about things that genuinely don’t matter in the greater scheme. I mean, why does it matter how much my sessions cost, when I’m selling enlightenment?

Yes, I do make quite a bit of money. With the lectures, and the book sales, and the sessions, and our daily Assembly collection…But all this money talk is terribly impolite. You must understand, all of our funding goes right back to the cause. And yes, as an instructor, I need to nourish my own being, and that costs money as well. When you’re running what is essentially an empire, though a virtuous one at that, you need to maintain a profit. Having good business sense does not mean I’m greedy. That we’re greedy. Greed has no place within these walls.

I fear the media has been quite unfair. When the article came out, I was not surprised by the backlash. Not in the least. I understand that the nature of my work rubs some people the wrong way. I have seen a lot of envy, and jealousy, and opposition. It’s honestly just taught us to become more mindful as to who we choose to include in our meetings or what-have you. I am a good person. I have great intentions. You don’t need to like me. Hell, you don’t even have to join our mission. But slander is simply shameful. And those who judge me will be disappointed in the Kingdom beyond.

They would also judge those who would follow us. Determining the worthlessness of any that would join some “cult”, assuming that that is the worst thing that anyone could possibly do, for they are being brainwashed. Led down the wrong track into some obscure camp, going to the devil. What does that devil look like?

Oh, and how I simply detest their language. They try to undermine my authority among our assembly, referring to me as a “delusional charlatan.” Me! Meanwhile David Koresh, Jim Jones, Charles Manson: they were never seen as charlatans. Oh no. They were “visionaries whose missions went awry”. They were cult “leaders”. Leaders! Can you believe that? Them, leaders…Those murderous fools. Excuse my language, but they were sex-crazed maniacs, who were just…just…messy. Allowing their male urges to guide their prophesizing, mixing business and pleasure with no respect to the former. Never have I been described as a leader by the media. Technically, I would prefer eminent chief or minister of light, but I’d settle for leader. Just look around! I’m running a tight ship here; a most efficient organization.

 And sure, we share some of the same strategies and beliefs. But we are nothing alike. Apples and Oranges. Our Assembly is nothing like the organizations led by those imbeciles. Not that the mainstream world would care. Everyone is so quick to condemn and judge those of us who seek to look beyond, that they will go to any lengths to make us look bad. To make me look bad. I will no longer stand for it.

I’ve fought for the platform I have. I’ve spoken, written, expended my blood, sweat and tears to create this community from the ground up. This community that trusts my teachings, accepts my ideology, believes…believes in our power. The power of belief and objective. My power. No outrageous article could bring us down.

No offense. I am sure you won’t defame our character: you’ve been here, you’ve spent time with us, you understand what we’re all about. Sincerely, I am so, so grateful to you. To real journalists like you. Thank you again for coming down and listening to our side of the story. I see greatness in you. If you’re interested, I’d love to talk to you about our organized program of thought reform. You seem like a great candidate and I just know we’d love to have you in our community.

Welcome brothers and sisters, I’m so glad to see you. It’s been far too long since our last ceremony. We have work to do. 

Original Text by M. Cardoso

Published 2020

[andthengone]

A Year in Review: 2020

To begin this series of self-reflection on a year where we’ve all been mostly kept in-doors symbolizes to me a sort of “onward and upward” mentality. For purposes of this–hopefully–life-long project at least. The world (as in people) has found creative ways of digging itself deeper despite all the signs and tools available. As I write this, I’m unsure what format to begin with. For one part, I think I’m already late to writing this - I should have maybe sat down and drafted a summary a week or two ago. Notes to self for next year.

It’s almost comedic how this year began with grandiose terms and plans for myself - I was finally in control. I knew what I wanted. I had written it down in notebooks, I would follow up. And of course, once it’s written down it is cemented, pure concrete. Only broken through great lengths and efforts. What I failed to consider is that concrete can be bulldozed. In one of those rare situations that life so happens to throw at us, COVID-19 struck the world and forced us to adapt. I think it took me eight months to even know how to properly do just that.

Re-visiting my goals, I will say I was not too far off from achieving many of them. I lost 34lbs in around five months. I paid off my credit card debt, saved up as much as I wanted to, got my CA driver’s license. I was more on top of listening to new music, created my best of 2020 playlist. I read. A lot. I believe I’m on book sixteen right now. Some of the things that did not come to fruition were truly because of the limitations of the pandemic: going to London was not realistic this time around, wine counties were essentially closed off (although Bradley and I ended up going to a vineyard near Santa Barbara, counts for something), networking coffee dates were mostly prohibitive. Could I have been more sustainable, though? Yes. Could I have put in more effort towards expanding my network? Absolutely. But, the biggest challenge this year was without a doubt my relationship with myself. Which leads me to the general theme of the last twelve months: introspection. To the max.

Spending the bulk of time locked inside my house with minimal socialization led to many an answerless question. What did those goals mean, anyway? How do I want to develop professionally? Is my relationship with my family healthy? Why haven’t I still had a successful relationship? There’s so much wrong in this world, does anything I do matter? Why can’t I write a song anymore? Why don’t I feel inspired? What is my purpose? These questions and more were especially put under a microscope as I read a book recommend by Bradley: The Velvet Rage. Now I began to wonder what were the main motivators of my existence, my career goals, my creative goals?

There was a lot of deconstructing (and therapy) that followed. To accept that you do not want to become what you had spent your whole life dreaming of is a very odd experience, albeit a liberating one. I recall telling my therapist on one of our first sessions: “I feel like there’s this well, and I dug too deep, and now nothing’s coming out”. To which he responded: “maybe there is another well to dig from?”. And so began the quest to figure out what was my next creative outlet, and I landed on poetry. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like today - to learn more about poetry, to understand it, write it, share it. I’m trying to challenge myself to be disciplined and put in the practice.

That is tied to another moment of self-realization. I had a journal entry where I wrote that I was not scared of rejection or failure anymore. That is a lie. A lot of my inactivity and lack of motivation to practice writing has been tied to not feeling good enough. Same with my failed attempt at trying to manage an artist. And really any attempt that has required building anything with results that were out of my hands. A lot of the basis of who I am was defined partly in need for external validation. Wanting the applause. I now know in which ways to honor myself moving forward, the challenge lies in following through. 

Reading through other thoughts and journal entries from early in the pandemic reminded me that Wade (the boy I was talking to right before everything closed down) had just called it quits. I think that might have played a role in the general feeling of loneliness that hovered throughout the next nine months. This time around, though, compared to past experiences, there was this awareness I think has become my suit of armor: knowing my worth and understanding that self-love comes with its highs and lows. Despite the longing, clinging to a ledge and my heart at the same time, I was able to write down: “what there was, was good, was nice. It is not what there is. And you have demands now. Do not back away from them. Do not settle. You do not beg.” I’ve been seeing someone for the last two months and a half; I won’t deny that there are still challenges with the ways I process certain emotions, but it’s easier to recognize when to hold myself accountable and when to bring up my concerns. It has felt a very healthy experience thus far.

The biggest lesson this year, however, has been the acceptance of the questions. Recognizing that loving them, that existing with the uncertainty, is the human thing to do. There is no clear path for anyone. What falls on me is to try, to figure out what are the things I love. The grass is greener where you water it. And to that point - that I can’t do everything at once, things should be done one at a time. That all there exists is the now, and to be present is an act of self-love. It took me months to get here.

So what comes next? To live, really. To practice poetry by reading, writing and analyzing it. I’m buying a guitar and learning how to play, as well - the flame for music is eternal. To make candles, ‘cause why not? To be patient with myself and with others in everything I do. It’s a cheesy sentiment, but to live in the present. The future and past do not exist - literally. To find ways to push myself professionally, even if I don’t know what I want that to look like. To do things I wish to do and not be worried about how I will be perceived. I hope come December 31, 2021, I’m saying I did.

On a final note - there’s no doubt I’m writing this for myself. I’m unsure if I’ll share it beyond select friends. I believe that to create any form of art is to be somewhat delusional, as in, I have to believe what I say is important enough to materialize and immortalize. It always starts with screaming at the wind. But as Fiona Apple said in her interview with Pitchfork: “Maybe somebody does need to see that?”