#fuck this useless bitch officer singer

[expecto-kedavra]

A Basis for Blackmail

[holylulusworld]

Ms. Bodyguard - The knife

Summary: Jensen is used to be the hero on his show. He’s not a coward, not at all - but when he gets attacked by an unknown man the studio insists on a full-time bodyguard. Specialist in protecting people while living with them - you agree to protect Jensen, but he doesn’t like the fact a ‘small’ girl shall protect him. Will you be able to protect the unwilling actor?

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Bodyguard!Reader

Characters: Clif Kosterman, Jared Padalecki

Warnings: angst, mentions of stalking/mental health problems (nothing graphic), blood, mentions of attempted murder, arguments, grumpy Jensen, mentions of injuries, language

Ms. Bodyguard Masterlist

A/N: Lyrics are taken from Paul Simon’s – Call me Al

* The reader likes to use songs as passwords (in this chapter Call me Al) and names of Greece Gods as special passcodes. Here’s a short explanation of what every code means:

Artemis – danger to life (client got attacked)

Ares – drop everything and run

Aphrodite – the client wants to be alone with a lover/love interest

Dionysus – the client is drunk/took drugs

Hades – client got hit/heavily injured/close to death

Hera – family of the client is in danger

Zeus – attacker sighted

Athena – backup needed/call the police

Poseidon – distraction needed to transfer the client safely

Nemesis – attacker/stalker down

Hephaestus – weapon needed/weapon got lost

“Hey-Betty.” Clif runs one hand down his face while he tries to make you answer his call. “I know you listen to me talking to your mailbox. I got a problem. - It’s Al…”

If you want an answer, do the whole song… An automatic answer replies and Clif takes a deep breath. He knows you do this kind of game to keep your clients safe but sometimes – it’s annoying to ‘play’ with you.

“Y/N come on. You know that only me got this number since you work alone. Give me a chance. I’ve got a client, or rather a good friend who’s in danger. Please.” 

If you want an answer, do the whole song… Again, Clif sighs but he’s got no other choice, so he clears his throat and starts singing the song you chose as his password.

If you'll be my bodyguard

I can be your long-lost pal

I can call you Betty

And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al

While Clif sings the song, you hold your stomach, laughing hard as he is, by all means, an awful singer. Tears well up to your eyes and after weeks of being bitter you have a soft smile on your lips remembering the training with your friend.

If you'll be my bodyguard

I can be your long-lost pal

I can call you Betty

And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al

The song ends and you listen closely, waiting for Clif to use a specific passcode to inform you about his current situation. If you trust anyone, it’s your old friend and training partner but in your business – you can never be careful enough or you end up dead.

“Passcode: Artemis,” Clif said the password for a worst-case scenario and you answer his call.

“Y/N, my friend got a serious problem. It’s red already. Are you still in Saudi Arabia or can you come back to the states?”

“I packed my stuff Clif and you can speak freely; the line is safe.” Rubbing your sore eyes, you sit up to listen to your friend’s explanations. “But let me tell you one more thing before you start – you are one awful singer.”

Clif huffs before he grins on the other side of the line. “Did you finish your ‘princess’ job? I don’t want to mess with another job.” 

A soft smile tugs at the corner of your lips hearing your friend is worrying about you and your job. “I heard she married…”

“Married and became a spoiled bitch. Let’s say we parted ways before I had to split her skull with my combat knife, Clif.” He chuckles lightly but this time, you can’t laugh with him. “Now back to your problem.”

“That bad, Riffle? What did she do?” Clif avoids your question and you wonder who is in trouble. 

All you know is he worked for a TV show over the last years, nothing else. It’s not as if you had the time to stay in contact with friends while protecting a princess.

“What happened, Y/N?”

“Husband said I am no longer needed. She agreed. End of story.” Looking at your gun on the nightstand your eyes sadden. 

“I protected her for six years, Clif. Now she married a rich guy and I am…disposable. I got hit by a bullet for her…twice. For years I believed she’s different, my friend, but in the end they are all the same.”

“I am sorry to hear, Riffle. Never thought that she’s a…” Clif gulps when you laugh bitterly. “A spoiled brat? At least I learned my lesson, buddy. No more princesses…”

“Great. My friend is a guy, actor and he got attacked by an unknown person last week. He tried to play it cool, but the studio is on high alert. A guy managed to sneak on set, waited for Jensen to be alone, and stabbed him.” Clif huffs at the other end of the line and you know he wants to take the blame.

“Clif, I love you but stop right now. It’s not your job, it’s the security guards’ job to keep the set safe. We both know how often people can sneak on set to take pictures, steal scripts, or crap. I will help you but only if you stop taking the blame.” Now you huff as Clif chuckles lightly.

“Okay, Riffle. When can I pick you up?” Glancing at your packed suitcases and duffle bags you try to remember which time it is in the US. “Y/N?”

“I will book a flight in the morning. Tell me where I have to be and send me his profile. I need to know everything about that guy, his family and working place. I need to meet him too before I agree to protect him.” You are adamant about your rules, so Clif agrees without arguing.

“I’ll send you the information to the FTP server. Give me three or four hours. The destination is Vancouver. I’ll pick you up and we can talk on our way. Do you know anything about Supernatural?”

“Did a ghost kick his ass or Bigfoot?” Smirking you hear Clif explaining he meant a TV show called ‘Supernatural’ and not the supernatural in general. 

Good thing your friend can’t see you as you roll your eyes at his explanation about the ‘cool’ show he’s working for.

“Clif, I did not watch TV for like six or seven years. Oh-fifteen years? That’s a freaking long time for a series, dude. Now let me have some sleep. I suggest you tell your friend to stay at the hospital. There are cameras, a security team and the cops will guard his room. Do not let him go home…”

“Got it, Y/N. Goodnight and thank you.” When Clif hangs up you sigh deeply. Tomorrow you will leave the land you called home for the last six years. Even worse – you will leave a friend, as she no longer needs you…

Reaching US ground for the first time in six years feels odd, strange even. Saudi Arabia was your home for so many years and being away from Soraya, the first client you would call family feels wrong, but you had to leave.

She lied to you. She betrayed you. She wanted you gone…

Her father called you to his office right before you were ready to head out to the airport, asking you why you quit as his daughter’s bodyguard out of the blue. 

You could’ve told him the truth, that his daughter is an ungrateful brat, but Abdallah was always good to you and doesn’t deserve to get into a fight with his daughter and son-in-law.

At first, he didn’t like the idea of having a woman around to protect his only child but with you, not being a man, he could be sure you can stay by her side in any situation.

It pained you to lie to him, but this was the last time you could protect your client. One last time you took the bullet when you told him you want a change of scenery. 

He looked at you with disgust and kicked you out of his office. Well, that’s what you get when you try to save his daughter. 

“Y/N!” Clif waves at you, a big smile on his face as you walk toward the exit. “Wait. I’ll take your bags.”

“Clif, don’t get me wrong. I know you are a gentleman and all, but I can carry my shit, okay. Now let’s get this straight. Your client is Jensen Ackles, he got attacked by a guy who blames him for fucking a z-list starlet and the cops didn’t get him so far.” Ignoring your speech Clif grabs your suitcases to place them into his car.

“Correct. Jensen had like two or three dates with that girl. They uh—Aphrodite* me a few times and after the third date they got into a fight.” Clif explains while you take notes. 

“She accused him of cheating on her, he yelled back they only fucked, and I drove her home while Jay stayed at the bar.”

“Okay. What happened next?” Opening the door to the passenger seat for you Clif tries to explain the girl started to stalk Jensen.

She called him daily, send disgusting messages, and nudes to his twitter account and stood in front of his house more than once.

“Did he call the cops?” Hopping into Clif’s car you watch him shakes his head. “Let me guess. Mr. Ackles didn’t want to look like the victim. So, he’s a macho?”

“Listen, he tried not to get her into trouble. Jensen believed she would cool off and stop with that shit she pulled. He changed his number, reported her doings to twitter, and told me, the security on set and his colleagues about it.”

“I assume she didn’t stop?” Your friend shakes his head while he pulls out of the parking lot. “It got worse?”

“Awful even. She came to set, naked only wearing a thong. She cut Jensen’s name into her stomach and we had to call the cops, an ambulance, and fight off the press.” 

Nodding you check the files Clif sent to you. “She’s at an asylum for four months and gets better. After she got medicated the girl realized not Jensen was her problem.”

“Maybe she lied? Maybe she’s behind the attack?” 

“We checked her contacts thrice, Y/N. I am not as good as you or your former team, but we normal bodyguards are not useless either.” Patting your friend's shoulder you give him a soft smile. “No one visited her or contacted her before the attack.”

“I know, Clifie. Relax. I would never thing low about you, okay. I just need all information to see the picture.” Clif keeps his eyes on the street while you scroll through the files. “No parents. No siblings. So, no angry family. No ex-boyfriends or husbands. Check.”

“She was a loner. The girl tried to help us, but no one came to her mind.” Clif explains as you shut off your iPad.

“No secret admirer sending her flowers or cards? No one claiming he was the one attacking your client?” Your friend shakes his head and you frown.

“That’s odd, Clif. I mean, if that guy did it to avenge that girl, he would’ve shouted it from the rooftops to get her attention.”

“I know, Y/N. That’s the reason I called you for help. This is…fishy. My instinct tells me something is off with that attack and the way Jensen met that girl. I don’t want to sound like a lunatic but…”

“Dude, only as you are paranoid doesn’t mean they are not after you.” Chortling you give Clif a wink. I will dig deeper and see what I’ll find. Let me call a friend of a friend.”

“C.I.A., F.B.I., or someone else?” Giving you side-glances your friend gulps when you whisper, ‘someone else’. “What will you have to do to ‘dig deeper’?”

“Nothing. That asshole owes me his life and balls.” You smile at Clif, but he can see it’s a fake smile. Whatever past you have with this man, you’ll never tell anyone.

“I don’t need another bodyguard, Clif. For fuck's sake! She looks like a tramp or schoolgirl!” Jensen yells when you enter the room with your friend.

No matter which insults he throws at you, your face remains stoic, your eyes are trained on his face and your posture never changes.

“I don’t need a little girl protecting me! I bet if she sees Jared that girl will go for a run.” Jensen gets out of the hospital bed, hissing as his wound still hurts and he refused to take pain meds.

“Jay-uh—hey!” A tall man enters the room, a knife in his hands, and before Clif, Jensen or the guy can blink you lunge out to twist his arms behind his back to pin the tall man against the wall, face first.

He struggles in your hold but there is no escape when you kick his legs apart.

“Y/N don’t kill him! That’s Jared, Jensen’s friend, and colleague!” Clif gasps and the man you still hold pinned to the wall nods eagerly.

“He had a knife!” Voice controlled; dominant you do not let go of Jared. “Why did he come into Mr. Ackles's hospital room, a knife in his hands?”

“Sorry, but that’s a knife made of chocolate. I thought it’s funny, but I guess, the joke is on me.” Jared huffs and you look at the knife which lies abandoned on the floor. 

“Okay, Jared. I will let you go but you will wait until I checked on the knife or you’ll feel my knife pierce your lung.” Warning the tall man, you reluctantly let go of him.

Clif already picked the ‘knife’ up only to break it into two halves. “Chocolate, Y/N.”

“Holy fucking shit!” Jensen gapes at you holding a combat knife in your hand. “Did you call for the Terminator?”

SPN Forever Tags

@donnaintx​​​

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@nickyrose3123

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@matsumama​​​

@rynabarnesrogers-reading​​

@homeorbust​​

--------------------------------------

Dean/Jensen Forever Tags   

@spnfamily-j2​​​

@supernatural-bellawinchester​​​

@negans-lucille-tblr​​​

@deans-baby-momma​​​

@thefaithfulwriter​​​

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@myopiamystical​​​

@rintheemolion​​

@isthatabutterfly​

@bluecornflowers​​​

@rosalynshields​​​

A/N: If your name is crossed out Tumblr won’t let me tag you.

[artificialqueens]

I'm Not Into Sometimes, Chapter 1 (Rosnali) - SnowBun

A/N: After who knows how long, I am finally writing again. A true shocker. This one will be about 5-8 chapters long (again, who knows? I’m just winging it) with much emotion. Hope you guys are all well during this difficult time xx

For me, because self-love is admitting that you’re suffering through the writing process for your own pleasure.

Summary: Denali goes viral on the internet and is hired to choreograph for Rosè.

–

Two weeks.

It’s been two weeks since Denali posted the video of her choreography to 100% Pure Love. Two weeks since she posted a video of her spilling all the passion in her cup on the dance studio floor. Two weeks since the world has watched and decided to give her five minutes of fame.

At first, it was validation. She thought that her existing followers and a few other people would see the video and think, “Denali’s fucking Talented with a capital T.” It was the way every other video she had posted had gone down. She knew the video was above even her standards, but the larger than usual wave of gratification didn’t feel like anything special.

But then Monet X Change jumped into the party, sharing the video and telling her millions of followers that she was one of the best choreographers and dancers she’d ever seen. That’s when she knew this one was different. This was more than validation; this was the world suddenly turning its head to put its eye on her.

Yet, she thinks that two weeks might have been the limit. She’s posted more content to keep people interested, but nothing has quite captured people’s attention like that first video. The stream of DMs, comments and views have been decreasing and she thinks, “Well, I just have to keep trying.”

But here she is, sitting at her desk job, feeling utterly fucking useless. She’s staring at a screen when her heart is all the way on the other side of the city, its thump, thump, thump beating along to the rhythm of music.

She’s aware of the student loans that beg to be paid each month, but every breath is a punch of anxiety to the stomach. Inhales of whispers saying, “Look where your passion has gotten you.” She chokes on the air, leaving her lightheaded and powerless.

Her phone lights up. “There goes another one.” She thinks to herself as she swipes to open Instagram. If she follows the pattern of the last two weeks, it’s either a new fan complimenting her or a dipshit asking for her nudes. Oh, the sad reality of virality.

But she stares at the bright blue check mark beside the username. She thinks it’s staring back, laughing and saying, “Look at your face, priceless!”

“Hi Denali!” It reads. “I’m Tamisha Iman from Iman Entertainment. I’ve been loving your videos and I wanted to reach out with an opportunity to choreograph some projects. Here’s my email so we can discuss details. Hope to hear from you soon!”

Her brain can barely register the words on the screen, but she knows that there’s only one thing left to do. She knows that the last few months of working her ass off as a part-time choreographer have led up to this moment.

She walks away from her desk, the sound of her pumps on the floor echoing in the aisles of the bland beige office. She hears the receptionist say something about him being on a call, but she doesn’t even stop to take a breath before swinging the door open. She’s face-to-face with her boss, a man who probably doesn’t even know her name, with a smile and a look in her eyes that’s almost delirious.

“I quit.”

—

On her way home, she realizes that she’s an idiot.

“You’re so stupid!” She says to herself as she swings open her apartment door. She hasn’t even replied to Tamisha and she’s already indulging spontaneous moments of catharsis over security. What if she found someone else in the span of an hour? The woman was in the business long enough to know someone just as good with far more experience. That last thought threatens to send her into a spiral, so she pulls out her phone and rushes to email a reply.

“Thank you so much for thinking of me, Ms. Iman! Really glad you liked the video. Could I have some details about this opportunity? I would love to work with you on any upcoming projects.”

For a moment, her thumb hovers over the send button. She takes a snapshot of this moment in her head. “This is it,” She thinks to herself. “This is where it all starts, Denali.”

She presses send and lets out a long exhale.

—

Three days.

It’s been three goddamn days since she quit her job and emailed her reply. It’s been three days of complete and utter suffering as the receiver of radio silence. The first evening, she had remained wonderfully calm in the fact that it was too soon. The second evening was more hellish, each notification popping up on her phone looking more and more like mockery. This third evening was the worst of them all, leading her to wallow in the idea that she had prematurely quit her stable job for an opportunity that she had never been promised.

“Denali, you can’t just stay there.” Kahmora says from the kitchen, her tone soft and understanding.

She knows her roommate is right. She knows that she has to get up and face the music. She knows that her only two options right now are to God forbid, crawl back to her old job or call every single one of her contacts to stock up on gigs; but there it goes again, that little voice in her head that won’t quit, that stupid tiny voice that gives her hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight is the night she’ll get a reply.

She clutches the phone in her hand like the rosary from her all-girls Catholic school days. Every time she thinks about letting it go is accompanied by a sense of hope, faded like the old pictures her mother left in the attic at home.

Kahmora sits beside her and she leans on her friend, willing herself not to burst into tears. “You’re not any less amazing, you know.” She reminds her as she strokes her fine, blonde hair. “Maybe this opportunity just wasn’t meant to work out.”

It doesn’t take a philosophical genius to know that Kahmora is right. She’ll lay awake tonight and replay the words in her head like a mantra straight out of one of those self-help tapes they used to use on smokers in the 90s; but damn, did it sting like a bitch.

The phone comes alive in her hand, a notification glaring at her through the screen. She swipes so fast that she thinks she might have just broken some world record. As she rushes to check what it is, she prays to whatever higher power that is out there that this was it, that the snapshot in her head wasn’t for nothing.

Her eyes dart across the screen, expression the very picture of stunned. She turns her head to look at Kahmora, staring at her with anticipation.

“What is it?”

“I’m choreographing Rosé’s new music video.”

—

For a week, Denali lived, ate and breathed making the choreography for Phenomenon. Every waking moment was spent perfecting the moves. She made sure that every jut, pivot and turn was sharp and purposeful. She wanted to make sure that there was no doubt in Rosé’s mind that she wasn’t just a ten-minute internet sensation, but a damn good choreographer.

Part of that job description was to study Rosé’s movements in her past music videos. She had heard the singer’s voice everywhere (who hadn’t, really,) so there was no denying her incredible vocal talent. However, watching her move was just as breathtaking. She was a spectacular performer with a beautiful toned body, so unlike what she was used to seeing for other artists.

After Kahmora had dropped her off and she’d promised to return in three weeks in one piece, she boarded the plane with a ticket Tamisha had bought for her. Even with all the comforts of business class, she could not bring herself to settle. Anxiety-inducing questions popped up in her head and she did her best to swat them away like flies.

“What if she thinks I’m just that girl from the internet?”

“What if she hates the choreo?”

“What if we don’t get along at all and I get blackballed?”

By the time she gets into the car that Tamisha had sent to pick her up from the airport, her thoughts have swirled and mixed, creating a dangerous cocktail of nerves that settles in the pit of her stomach.

As the car stops in front of the Iman Management Agency office, she settles for a nice deep breath. “You’re going for the gold, Denali.” She whispers to herself.

When she swings the door open and quickly lets her eyes roam, she comes to the disappointing realization that Rosé is nowhere in sight. For a week, she’d hyped herself up to make a good first impression.

The disappointment is quelled when Tamisha Iman stands up from her desk. She is nothing short of glamorous, with her gorgeous dark hair and tailored suit. Her smile is warm and inviting, and she almost forgets that the very thought of this moment would have made her throw up a few days ago.

“Denali!” She beams, walking over to shake hands. “So nice to meet you, I’m Tamisha. I gotta say, I thought I had seen everything after 30 years in the business; but I’ve never seen anyone move quite like you do.”

“That’s so nice of you to say, thank you.” Denali replies appreciatively, albeit somewhat shyly. “That video popped off so unexpectedly. I’m really glad you liked it.”

“Oh, who wouldn’t?” Tamisha gestures for her to take a seat in front of her desk. As she moves, Denali notes the utmost grace and poise that she carries herself with. With all her experience, she expected nothing less than this type of professionalism. “I see someone move like that and I know that they have what it takes to work with my talent.”

“Speaking of which,” She starts hesitantly. “I was hoping to meet Rosé. You know, get to know her and be comfortable before we start working.”

For a moment, Denali senses an exasperation when Tamisha sighs; but then, she just smiles apologetically. “I’m really sorry, but you’ll have to wait until your first session tomorrow. She’s really throwing herself into finishing this album, so she couldn’t make much time in her schedule.”

At first, she feels disheartened. It’s a mixture of, “Am I not worth meeting?” and the excitement of finally meeting the woman whose talents she’d been studying for a wholeass week; but then, the disappointment gives way to more anticipation. Meeting her in the studio means meeting her in her wheelhouse. There was no way, shape or form that she could disappoint anyone in her area of expertise.

“No worries, Ms. Iman. I’m looking forward to meeting her.”

—

Denali expects that she’s going to wake up with a headache that feels like her brain is in a meat grinder when she gets up the next morning from a restless night; but it’s only 5:30 and she knows that the idea of today, the culmination of a lifelong dream, is far too thrilling for her to have no energy.

She swings her legs out of bed quickly, not giving herself too much time to think. She knows that the studio is barely five minutes away from the hotel and that the call time is 7:00, but if she sits still too long, she knows she’ll concoct another dangerous cocktail of anxiety and insomnia. If possible, she’d like to avoid that.

She steps into the shower and lets herself breathe deeply, relishing in the way the lungs fill with air and her muscles contract. She focuses on her senses and lets it flood her head. Better that than a doom scenario her mind will inevitably come up with.

She puts on her leggings and a sweater over her mesh top to protect herself from the chill of New York air. For the shortest moment, she allows herself to stare at her reflection and hype herself up.

“Move aside world, it’s your girl, Denali.”

When she gets to the studio, it’s predictably empty. It looks little like the studio she went to in Chicago. All the walls are a deep cool grey instead of the white walls with a brick accent that she’s used to. The floor is a much darker shade of brown too; but even then, she is reminded of home. This little box is where her love lies and she feels safe.

She checks her phone and sees that it’s only 6:40. “Huh.” She says to the empty air. She walks towards the mirror at the front of the room, the click of her heels echoing against the four walls.

“Might as well.” She says to herself as she sticks her phone in the dock. She chooses 100% Pure Love and starts swaying along to the music. If she’s honest, she hasn’t fully listened to the song since she recorded that fateful video; but when the music hits, her body remembers the movement. She watches herself in the mirror, the planes of her body shifting in fluid motions. She can see her body come alive, marrying freedom with control and she remembers then why the feeling is unparalleled.

Right as the song finishes, she hears another set of heels tapping against the floorboards. She sees someone come into view through the mirror. She spins as gracefully as she can to greet her, but her brain suddenly stops working.

Rosé is special and she knows it right away. She is somehow exactly the same but completely different from what she had expected. She sees the same face, sternly set jaw and amazing body that she had seen on a screen. The fact that she looks just as good in person leaves her completely dazed.

“Hi.”

Denali shakes her head, laughing lightly to hide that she’d been staring like an idiot. “Sorry, I just got a bit surprised.” She walks over, hand extended. “I’m Denali, the choreographer.”

“Rosé.” Her lips are pressed into a tight-lipped smile as she shakes Denali’s hand. The response is verging on cold, but it’s nothing for her to cry home about. She wasn’t so naïve as to think that this would become a ‘I’ll be your new best friend’ type of situation.

An awkward silence falls over them and Rosé refuses to look away. She feels like she’s being studied and she thinks her skin might start to itch from the discomfort. “So uhm,” She claps her hands together. “Let’s get straight into it?”

“Sure.”

Denali squats down to change the track as Rosé drops her bag in a corner of the room. “I’ll show you the choreography first, then we’ll go off from there. Sound good?” She called over her shoulder.

“Yeah, let’s do it.” Rosé replied as she sat at the side of the room.

Denali stands to the back of the room, staring at her reflection and willing herself to ignore the head of pale pink hair to the side. She marches forward, all attitude and spice, forever thinking of how to make every single moment an amazing performance, no matter the audience. As she sees herself dance, she realizes just how proud she is. This choreography is one of her best and she knows it.

She ends with her arm straight out and pointing at the mirror. She catches her breath, realizing that she’d been holding it. Her eyes move to Rosé who, apart from slightly raised eyebrows, is expressionless. She tries her best not to feel offended. She’s this proud of her work and she can’t even get a smile?

“So, what do you think?” She asks, hoping for a comment, quip, any response that could validate her work.

“It was good but,” Rosé pushes herself up and stands next to her. In the blink of an eye, there’s a shift. She becomes fully immersed in the work, nothing short of absolutely serious and a picture-perfect professional. “That part right before I enter the second verse. I was hoping for something like…”

She goes to the back of the room and spins to the front, a flurry of cotton candy clouds sweeping through the studio. Denali feels dizzy, but she can’t deny that Rosé looks fantastic doing the move and, to her chagrin, it does suit the music more. Even then, there’s an ache that comes with admitting it.

“Yeah, I think we can make that work.” She looks at Rosé and their eyes meet. It feels like too much, like sinking into a hole in the ground because holy shit, she can see straight through me. She’s never seen eyes quite like that before.

“Okay!” She exclaims quickly, giving herself an excuse to look away. “Let’s start from the top.”

The next two hours pass fairly quickly. By how quickly Rosé catches on and the number of edits that she makes to the choreography, she can tell that she’s had some type of professional training. The idea of that leaves her intrigued, but it’s overshadowed by her dejection. She’s a spectacular student, but the detached responses and almost too professional attitude leave Denali thirsty for some kind of gratification.

By the end of the session, Rosé has learned at least half of the choreography and Denali can’t deny that she’s impressed that she could keep up. She turns to look at her and is surprised to see her smiling for the first time. It lights up her whole face, even those damn eyes that she can’t bear to look at.

“Oh God, that was great!” She exclaims and it reminds Denali of a child after getting off a rollercoaster. “This is going to be my best video yet.”

Denali smiles back, finally relaxing after getting a hit of that delayed validation. “I think so too.” She agrees, looking down at her feet. “I mean, your work is fantastic and it’s honestly such an honor to do this with you.”

Rosé laughs and she decides that she likes the sound. It’s not the tinkling of windchimes on her mother’s porch. It reminds her of the beat of music when it moves through her. It’s deep, genuine and comforting, pulling at the rope bundled up into knots in her stomach.

“Are you kidding, Denali?” She says in disbelief. “Your choreography for this has been so good and I could not have asked for someone better to work with.”

She lets herself look into her eyes, now so full of joy and warmth. It feels like a different person, but she knows that it’s just two sides to the same coin. There’s something about the blurred line between the professional student she had just taught and the sincere woman speaking to her that blows her mind.

“Not gonna lie, that makes me feel really relieved.” She admits, pretending to wipe sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. Rosé laughs again and she has to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling too wide.

Rosé’s phone suddenly rings and she runs over her to her bag to check it. She groans and turns to Denali, looking irritated for a reason she can’t quite place. “Shit, I should get going.” She picks up her things and smiles again. “It was nice to meet you, Denali.”

“You too, Rosé.”

The singer is walking away when she stops in the doorway. She turns around and gives her a wink, so private and secret that she thinks it might be hiding from the glare of the sun streaming in through the windows.

“See you tomorrow.”

When she hears the door close, Denali all but collapses onto the ground, folding her legs under her and sighing deeply.

“Well, fuck.”

[inspector2ndclass]

The Mechanisms as Random Birds I Found on the Internet

Did anyone want this? No. Do I know anything about birds? Also no. Anyways, here’s a shitpost I spent way too long on.

Jonny d’Ville: Northern Mockingbird

First and foremost, here’s Jonny! An asshole! A bastard! An all around terrible person! He shall be a northern mockingbird. This fucking bird has no redeemable qualities other than that it is pretty and a GREAT singer. This is a very aggressive bird. Very territorial. If it had opposable thumbs, it would probably shoot you in like the foot or something. I don’t think these birds are very smart. Just like a certain “captain” that we know. The state bird of Texas, among all places. Never trust a texas. In true Texas fashion, the 1927 legislation declaring the Northern Mockingbird the state’s official bird stated that the species is “a fighter for the protection of his home, falling, if need be, in its defence, like any true texan.” Now Jonny burned down a Texas - maybe not this Texas but whatever. I read somewhere that a mockingbird could peck someone’s dick off, and honestly? Valid.

Gunpowder Tim: Southern Cassowary

Okay, hear me out. This bird is a little bitch - or rather a b i g bitch. In a good way. Look at this fucking bird. It’s majestic. Doesn’t it look just SO trustworthy. What a trustworthy man. And very pretty. Pretty, pretty bird. Who could squash you like a fucking ant. This is one Violent bird. Tim is one Violent person. The cassowary makes a low roaring sound like a fucking dinosaur. I love dinosaurs. DID I MENTION IT LAYS GREEN EGGS. Now you might say, well Tim is a human and humans don’t lay green eggs. Fuck you. It’s never explicitly stated that our very own Gunpowder Tim doesn’t lay green eggs. Also comes with a built-in helmet. As everyone except Tim and the southern cassowary says, safety first! Strikes me as a very egotistical bird. If the cassowary weren’t a bird, I don’t think it would wear a seatbelt.

Ashes O’Reilly: California Condor

Okay, so. This is a cool fucking bird. Just look at it. M a j e s t i c. Do you know who else is really fucking cool? Ashes. They have so much power. Also condors are beautiful birds. Oh my god. California condors are very graceful fliers. For Ashes, I almost went with the brown falcon - one of “Nature’s arsonists”, but other than arson, it’s a rather boring bird. Just brown. And a falcon. BUT THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR. Now that’s a cool bird. The god of the sky. Actually, in the “research” for this post I found a blog post in 2011 from someone who has genuinely worshipped condors as gods since they were a teenager and honestly? Valid. (disclaimer; I am aware that many native cultures worship animals and nature, however I don’t feel qualified to talk about that. I don’t mean any harm by this post.)

DrumBot Brian: Shoebill Stork

Well. I did have a rather difficult time finding a bird that has a complex set of moral values. Who would’ve thought?? I did almost use a praying mantis, just for a little variety. I’ve never met someone who wouldn’t rip off the head of their lover. BUT ANYWAYS. Here we have Brian the Shoebill Stork. He looks so nice. But he will not hesitate to decapitate your baby crocodile. Also very patient!! Like a dinosaur! This bird has the most complex set of moral values of any bird I could find in about thirty seconds. If Brian didn’t decapitate so many young crocodiles there would be much too many! Too many crocodiles! The horror! I’ve also seen a gif of Boring Brian delicately picking up a duckling and placing it back down. Dunno what happened after, though. Don’t ask. Apparently the shoebill stork makes “machine-gun noises” which I think Jonny would enjoy fucking around with. A place that I forgot to write down reportedly called the bird “Abu-Markhub” meaning “father of the slipper” which,,,, yeah.

Raphaella la Cognizi: Kea

Also known as the “clown of the alps”, the Kea resides in the mountains, as the only alpine parrot. Pretty cool. I want to be a clown. But like, a cool clown - not one that hides in a sewer and eats children… Anyways, I’m getting off topic. The kea is the smartest bird I could find. Raphaella is the science officer of the Aurora so it seemed fitting. Look at this photo. That’s science at work! Kea can use basic tools! And reportedly have the intelligence of a four-year-old child! That’s pretty smart! Also it has wings! Raph has wings! Apparently kea enjoy attacking sheep, dogs, horses, etc. and just generally fuck around with people. Imagine what this bird could do with opposable thumbs…

Marius von Raum: Victoria Crowned Pigeon

My criteria for Bird Marius was essentially a stupid looking bird with a ridiculously long name. I was originally going to go with the King of Saxony Bird of Paradise solely for the name (just look at it! It’s so dumb! Who the fuck is the king of saxony!) however it bored me. So! Here we have Doctor Baron Marius von Raum as the Victoria Crowned Pigeon (also sometimes referred to as the Blue Crowned Pigeon). Genuinely, this was my favourite bird as a child. I fucking love this funky little bastard. Apparently, it’s the largest pigeon species in the world and can grow to be the size of a turkey. A turkey! What the fuck! This bird thinks it’s all that. (I mean, it’s not wrong). It was named after Queen Victoria but like,,,,, Fuck The Monarchy. Also eats a lot of figs. The bird - not the queen. Or maybe the queen I dunno. Marius seems like the kind of person who hates figs but eats them anyways so he doesn’t feel inferior to the Fig Lord. How the fuck is this bird not extinct yet.

Ivy Alexandria: Common Raven

Ivy Alexandria, the Common Raven. Ravens are extremely smart! Like seriously - near where I live, there’s an animal shelter with a raven and you can hold a conversation with it. It’s amazing! They also have great memories and hold grudges - so don’t mess with them. Oh! They can also use hand gestures, which for birds is insanely cool! They are the literal “birdbrain”. Sometimes they collect little trinkets, which I think is really sweet. Now, I don’t believe ravens can read but like,,,,, I dunno. I read an article recently about ravens doing “weird things with ants”. Apparently they like to play with them. Ravens have been known to sit in an anthill and let ants crawl all over their feathers for no apparent reason. Now, while nothing has been canonically stated involving Ivy and ants, you can’t prove Ivy doesn’t go sit and hang out with a bunch of ants.

Nastya Rasputina: Andean Potoo

The Andean Potoo is the most mysterious breed of the seven or so potoo species; almost nothing is known other than their vague appearance and their stomach contents (large insects like beetles and grasshoppers, if you were interested). While we do know quite a bit about Nastya, I thought this bird fit her pretty well. In answer to the question “Are potoos friendly?” a website said: “The short answer is ‘no’. The slightly longer answer is ‘it depends’.” This sounds like Nastya and her lesbian spaceship girlfriend. Potoos are VERY good at camouflage; like Nastya in Aurora’s veins?? I dunno, might be a bit of a stretch. They are shy, secretive birds. Sounds fun. Potoos are also VERY good at catching insects and shit. This point might not be relevant, but whatever. Andean potoos might mate for life; scientists don’t know. Let’s say that they do. If Nastya were this bird, she could be eaten by a weasel. Weasels said fuck Nastya rights. Fuck weasels.

The Toy Soldier: Atlantic Puffin

OH MY GOD. I love the Toy Soldier. The Atlantic Puffin. I don’t have many reasons for this one other that IT’S ADORABLE. This is my favourite bird. Just look at it!!! Hnnnnnnn. Baby puffins are called pufflingssssss. Oh my god. Also look up the bird call of the atlantic puffin; it is the best thing ever. Puffins are very sociable birds and live in like giant flocks or something. They’re very neat birds and also waterproof! Like wood! They shed the outer layer of their beaks once a year! Like wood! They live in burrows! Like wood! They can hold a fuck ton of fish in their beaks! Like wood! They have a really fucking wierd tongue! Like wood!

BONUS: Dr. Carmilla: Lammergier (Bearded Vulture)

Do I know anything about Dr. Carmilla? Nope! I think she’s a vampire but like???? Anyways, just look at this bird. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The Lammergeier is one Badass Bird. It is one of the largest old-world vultures. I don’t know what that means. It can grow up to four feet tall, though! And has a wingspan between seven and nine feet. That’s a big fucking bird! They have no natural predators, much like a certain immortal vampire (maybe???). It eats primarily bone and bone marrow and has a nasty habit of carrying off lambs, calves, and dead children. Remind you of the Good Doctor and her Band? Probably not. I bet Jonny has eaten at least one dead child, though. The lammergeier can also live up to the ripe old age of 45 (old in bird years?). Supposedly a lammergeier killed the greek playwright Aeschelus by mistaking his large bald head for a rock and dropping a turtle on it. Sounds very Carmilla. BUT WAIT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE BEST PART. This bird dies it’s fur the colour of blood to look more intimidating! Supposedly this is a mark of status, as well. That’s one badass bird!!!

WELL THAT WAS AN ADVENTURE. A useless adventure, sure. Fuck you. I had fun.

[missjackil]

My 14x20 Season Finale Opinion

Moriah

This was absolutely AMAZING!! It ranks in there with the Season 4 and 5 finales with me! Definitely one of the best!! I came away from 14x19 saying “ooooh my boys done fucked the fuck up!” and came away from this with “OMG MY BOYS REAAAALLLYYY FUCKED THE FUCK UP!!!!”  So without further ado, let's get to it.

Absolutely nothing I predicted to happen happened. Even with clues given from trailers, sneak peeks and spoiler shots, which is fantastic, because that means they can still surprise me, have not gotten too predictable, and the writing is STILL top notch!

I was completely and pleasantly thrown by the segment where no one could lie. This is the first finale that had a good strong dose of comedy, where it would seem to not fit but was so well done it was great! It was reminiscent of Lebanon which started off very light and humorous and quickly changed to deeply dramatic. Since the beginning, one of my favorite things about this show is its ability to take me through so many different emotions in just one episode.

We start off with a very angry Jack. Sam Dean and Cas looking on in terror as he emerges from the smoke. Sam, though a little terrified, actually shows a little relief that Jack made his way out. .Now Dean and Cas have at it, because Dean wants Jack dead and Cas does not. Which solidifies that this, season 14, is the first season in 10 years that had absolutely 0 Destiel moments (Thank you Dabb!!) not a welcome back hug, no “sex eyes” no stupid mixx tape... nada zip nothing :)  so while so many of you have bitched since Dabb took over in S12, that he's breaking down the brothers’ co-dependency and is a Destiel stan, he has proven both accusations wrong by a long shot. 

Now let's move on to the story.  Jack walks through town and hears everyone lying to each other. One of the first things we know he has learned is that lying is bad. He’s expressed this a few times that he is uncomfortable with it, now even without a soul, he doesn’t like it, so he orders everyone to stop lying, simply by shouting it. I knew this was going to be fun. 

Sam and Dean go to a facial recognition company to try to find Jack. Right away I notice that the sign says “Mirror Universe” and they hold the shot for a moment, making me wonder if this is something I might want to remember later. Not unlike in Lebanon when the boys walked up to the pawn shop and their reflections appeared over the sign “Precious Pawn”. Are these things a hint to something, like in 7x02 when Sam and Hallucifer/Dean got to the office building that was named “Morning Star Inc” (Lucifer is Latin for Morning Star)? Could just be a coincidence but Im going to put that on my “hmmmm” shelf. 

Right away Dean comments about the nerds and Sam says “Takes one to know one” and we know they can’t lie either. We learn Dean is not only a geek also, but watches Jeopardy every night, and Sam’s favorite singer is Selene Dion! This tickles me because I love learning new things about Sam, and my little wincest heart sighs at the thought of My Heart Will Go On, Because You Loved Me, and It’s All Coming Back to Me Now are songs maybe he thinks about Dean to?

On that note, I must include that my good friend @supernaturalnardog pointed out that in the early years, being made to tell the truth, led the brothers to say biting, resentful things about each other, and now it was just silly brother teasing. How much closer and trusting they have grown since those days 😍 

Meanwhile, we have Cas doing something that made no sense to me. After bitching at Sam and Dean about trying to contain Jack in the Malak box, he is now trying to get into Hell so he can see if he can put Jack in the cage?? Ummm sure yeah Cas, that's a much better choice.  Jack goes to find Kelly’s parents, and sadly, they don't like him anymore. They looked him up and no one heard of him, and Kelly’s peers believe she is dead. Grandmom believes Jack killed her. She screams at him and all we see are glowy eyes and STOP!! Ugggh did he just Mary Winchester another grandmom?? Back at the ranch, Chuck shows up agrees with Cas that Jack is a problem and they go meet up with Sam and Dean. Dean is automatically pissed and breaks Chuck’s guitar, the office is crazy with people telling the truth, so Chuck zaps them all back to the bunker to talk. Emotions rise from there...

Cas splits to go find Jack, Chuck talks to the boys makes them a gun that can kill anything, but the catch is, that whatever the gun does to someone else, it also does to the shooter. Dean takes the gun. 

After some monologuing between Cas and Jack, we go back to Dean in his room, filling a flask. Sam is looking for him, so Dean invites him in and asks him to have a seat. Here comes “the talk” that Sam must be all too familiar with now. Dean informs Sam that he’s going to kill Jack, and consequently kill himself as well. Looking for Sam’s approval, blessing, acceptance, or whatever, Sam isn’t having it this time. He admits he’s still angry with Jack and part of him still wants him dead too, but

 “Dean, we never even tried to save him!”  “He killed mom!” “He has no soul!” “And who’s fault is that?” I actually thought Dean was blaming Sam for a second, until Sam took the blame himself and Dean’s expression clearly showed that wasn’t what he was trying to say, he was trying to say it’s Jack’s fault he has no soul. 

Sam says it’s his own fault because he brought him back, and Jack burned his soul off saving both of their lives. So Sam tells Dean if he thinks hes going to give him permission to go kill Jack and himself, so he can lose them both all at once, then no... just no.... he’s lost too much already. Sam peaces out.

Sam meets up with Chuck and the meta here made me a little dizzy to be honest. Chuck reveals that Sam and Dean are his guys, of all the Sams and Deans in all the universes, they’re his favorite. They’re SO interesting. And now Sam manages to make me feel guilty about watching them over and over and even writing fic. I empathize with Chuck a little bit here because he “writes” them this way because they're his favorites. They’re the most amazing heroes ever, they save the world but to BE those heroes, they need to go through tragedy. Show of hands here how many of you Sam girl’s write or enjoy fics with hurt!sam? Or Dean girls who write/enjoy hurt!dean? Wouldnt it suck if the boys in your stories started yelling at you to stop it?? What a dark and crazy thought! And I empathized with Sam too, because of how much I love episodes like Red Meat because Sam is badass... but now hes kinda saying, “why did I have to suffer like that to show you Im a badass??” ya feel me fam?? 

Anyway. Sam gets very angry and then Chuck tells him Dean already left. Dean is at the cemetery about to shoot Jack with the special gun, and Sam doesn't want this, Jack is on his knees, telling Dean he understands and its ok. It flashed me back to the end of S10. Dean cant do it and drops the gun. Chuck is like “nooo pick it up this is the big Abraham sacrificing his only son on Moriah and Dean’s like “nope” and he doesn't even care if Chuck brings mom back in the trade. He’s done, Chuck can fekk off... Chuck’s like fine snaps his fingers and the lights all go out and Jack dies, Dean goes after Chuck and Chuck flings him hard. Sam is completely done, gets the gun and is like fekk all “Chuck dies, I die, Dean dies, the whole freakin universe dies... GAME OVER!” But (un)luckily Sam misfired. And dont @ me Sam and Dean both are crack shots, but they also miss pretty often. And Chuck, from what Ive seen between the show and the fandom said “If all you can do is bitch about the show? Welcome to The End” 

Now we are being shown all Sam and Deans hard work being undone. From the Lady in White in  1x01 to John Wayne Gayce’s ghost in Lebanon. All the demons rising and the graves spitting out their dead and ganging up on 2 pretty helpless Winchesters and a pretty useless angel. My boys done fUcKeD tHe FuCk UP!!!! Jack is in The Empty, he’s awake with The Entity and Billie... I cant even imagine where this is going. 

 Im fairly sure this storyline won't come to a close in a few episodes in the beginning of next season. Since its the final season (side eyes the haters who made sure of it by bitching and not just changing the damn channel like civilized humans would) it will probably be a season-long arc and have reconciliation between the boys and Chuck by the end. If we have learned anything from the past 14 years of this show, its that good intentions don't always turn out good, with love we can forgive some pretty bad shit, and unfortunately, we tend to hurt the ones we love most. 

Overall I think this was one of the best finales we’ve seen. I plan to write about and meta the crap out of what's gone on this whole season, because I think the season itself, aside from a few crapisodes, (which every season has) was by far one of the best!

So on a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, Im giving this a 9. Well done everyone... well done!!

[iwilldevourthebodies]

Things people have said in my classes over the course of the 2016-2017 school year

“One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a military officer is try to invade Asia”

“Napoleon looks like he’s about to dab”

“Donkey!”

“No you have to do it in a Scottish accent. It’s Donkeh”

“Eric. Do you want carrots? Diced,,, carrots”

“How many couches do you have?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it”

“I think the cereal aisle is amazing. I do”

“I’m a hoe for Obama”

“So what you’re gonna make him turn into the next Bill Clinton?”

“Wow. The sass. Didn’t I say there was always one delinquent?”

“Is Neanderthalian a word?”

“It’s not a word, Sufana, don’t be an idiot”

“Can we just like… abolish death?”

“Let’s just take it and,,,, fling it into the sun”

“It’s not a race if I don’t care" 

"I didn’t know what you were asking me”

“Yeah, but you acted like you did so confidently. ‘Yes! Sí, señora’

"You’re Muslim? I thought you were Indian”

“Guys, I’m gonna take a spaceship… and I’m gonna land it on the sun. And if it gets too hot I’m gonna take a parachute back to Earth”

“No, no, they’re too dumb to think like this”

“You’re crushing my heart. The more you go on the more I know I did something wrong”

“So let me get this straight. You quoted Hamilton at dinner. At your boyfriend’s house. In front of his parents. And he’s still your boyfriend?" 

"You’re being a racism”

“Sometimes I turn my os and us into a single character. It’s because I’m efficient. /Not/ because I’m illiterate”

“It’s about personal growth! I like to challenge myself! It’s not because my brain’s broken!”

“It is the wagon void”

“Up until I was 5 I was a wanderer. I was raised by seagulls”

“Honestly I don’t ever try to be dumb. It just comes naturally”

“But we aren’t octopi, unfortunately”

“Wouldn't  be a Monday morning if I wasn’t ruining his life”

“My dad works so he escapes the living hell that is my house”

“Was it fine?”

“Yeah, I got food”

“Is that a 7 or a live chicken?”

“I’m not from America, but I’m from the United States”

“Oh yeah I drove a go cart with a wheel made out of a Quaker Oats container”

“What do you mean you’re not fluent in Indian?”

“Well I wasn’t about to eat the tampon”

“If Satan Spoon starts talking to you let me know”

“Did he just say blame the gays on the mafia?”

“Dude we should test arsenic as a cure for Alzheimer’s”

“You dated him”

“Yes, well that was before I learned he was racist. And gay”

“Get off me I need to make a meme”

“I’m going to be that one awkward person who ends up sexually attracted to pianos”

“I don’t kms, I pms”

“Put that in your quotes I think it’s a good one”

“I really meant people conception. Misconception is gender exclusive”

“So what’s your point?”

“I don’t know”

“If your results end up to be true, like yes”

“Adolf Hitler becomes the chancellor of Germany”

“Wait who?”

“It’s a giant concrete chicken in Vietnam. Read the fucking caption”

“At least it won’t be Cold War part 2 because Trump’s in bed with Russia”

“Wow that is actually hot”

“Well it is fire”

“Well let it be the best stick it can be”

 "I had an English muffin today. It just wasn’t the same"

“Doesn’t covering your head make it harder for God to hear you?”

“No that’s tinfoil, Michael”

“Publishificating is good”

“Out-publish Bill. Cause Bill is the devil”

“Why are cheeseburgers such sexist objects?”

“Illinois”

“Illin-wah”

“Wait I just drew the Canadian parliament building”

“He looks kinda like a mop and I like”

“I could never be a murderer it’s just so confusing”

“Alex stare at her chest not her butt. Will is already staring at her butt”

“Russia is Serbia’s sugar daddy”

“Did they convert to Muslim?”

“What other fairies do you know?”

“Twinkle toes! No wait. Tinker bell”

“Captain America is Wartime Propaganda”

“Yeah man that’s yogi bear! Wait what the hell?”

“What’s that brown potato?”

“That’s a squash”

“Bob Marley died and so should I”

“Melanoma’s a disease”

“That’s not a disease that’s a cancer”

“What was the turning point of WWI?”

“The Versace treaty!”

“Don’t put orange juice in your iPad”

“We’re making cubes and he’s talking about concentration camps”

“Where do you think the Paris peace conference happened?”

“Berlin”

“Anything’s a UFO if you try hard enough”

“Jesse what are you working on right now?”

“The ICarly theme song”

“Why are white people so extra?”

“Is it offensive to call Rasputin daddy?”

“Zoie can you stab me?”

“No, sorry, that’s a Friday activity”

“Are Israeli passports made out of couscous?”

“What’s that thing from BFG called..? Cumberbumber?”

“So my sister’s a Russian major..”

“Can you major in a country?”

“Mown, like freshly mown grass”

“You can tweet from dead people”

“Wealthy farmers have fists”

“So do other people”

“Hitler killed Hitler, so he can’t be that bad”

“Three billion fists died”

“Everything’s a sphero to me now”

“Hey kids wanna buy some zip-ties?”

“There will never be a time where both of you are in the boat.. /amphibious assault vehicle”

“Did you know Italians get 8 weeks of paid leave”

“You know what fuck Italians. Actually wait yeah let’s /fuck/ Italians”

“What’s worse than the Gulags?”

“Siberia”

“My favorite satellite station is Hitler and Stalin. Hitler played the bass, Stalin played the spoons.”

“Shit. I missed my ass”

“Are you gonna sue me?”

“No”

“Are you gonna sue my kids?" 

"Yes”

“How are you a Jew and an atheist?”

“I’m a jewthiest”

“He deserves to be hugged. By an 18-wheeler speeding down the highway”

“My talent is…”

“Deepthroating a cinnamon stick”

“Does anyone know what the 21 game is?”

“Is that when you turn 21 and get to drink?”

“What’s next year’s musical?”

“Connor Gale: The Musical, starring Lisa Liubovich as Connor Gale”

“Somebody just compared Germany’s republic to the republic from Star Wars”

“The darkest blanket of Bill Nye”

“And her beauty was that of Medicare”

“Alright homework tonight, research vampires”

“Well I wasn’t gonna follow his mom’s twitter”

“28 lockers is inside your gastrointestinal tract”

“My dad hates Jews. Not actively though”

“That sounds like a cat choking out a hairball. Catholicism.”

“We’re catholic. And we’re not batshit insane”

“It’s not crack, Ms. Wright”

“Do they even know what vegetables smell like?”

“Why is there a cabbage in your backpack?”

“Hannah. Egg”

“Nothing’s fun when donald trump is president”

“What kind of gum is that?”

“Doritos”

“I’m better than Justin Bieber at guitar. I’m Kurt Cobain now”

“If George Washington tried to rap his dentures would fall out”

“Why did he come over here was I not Jewish enough?”

“Alright so we have bird images, and we have death images”

“You just fuckin stabbed me in the leg with a plank of wood”

“I have a velvet Jesus in my cupboard”

“Cow vigilantes?”

“There’s a meat ban”

“What did they ban?”

“Meat”

“I’m wrenching, bitch”

“What were they on?”

“Judaism”

“This kebab guy looks like wolverine”

“We have a common Jew”

“That’s like Hannah being gayphobic”

“According to my zodiac I’m light, hot, and wet”

“Haroon dropped his wood”

“I’m not racist I’m just ignorant”

“Why do people even harvest organs when they could harvest corn?”

“I’m not saying that cone heads is super high quality but let’s be real here”

“It is almost May don’t talk about snow or I’ll backhand you into the fucking sun”

“People are hanged, pictures are hung”

“People can be hung too”

“Jello monster incest”

“I just hit myself in the head with a boat”

“Dentists are people too”

“Really? I thought they were just a bunch of teeth stacked together in a lab coat”

“An interloper is someone who interlopes”

“Guys enough with the atomic bombs”

“I had weaponized the name quiz”

“Sin is a polygenic trait”

“Revenge is a dish best served under a tree”

“There’s Vaseline.. but it looks shady”

“Where’s the Cape? Is it in Maine?”

“The Soviet Union is cheese”

“Gets tetanus on boobs”

“Where’s that video of that woman aesthetically biting pickles into a microphone”

“I was too lazy to shave so my solution was socks”

“Anything is right if you can pull it off”

“Do Brooklyn have accents”

“Meme is my native language”

“When you smell me I don’t even feel uncomfortable anymore”

“That sounds like a great job. I’m gonna be a dick disector”

“My right pinkie is stronger”

“What if I just face slam on the keyboard, will my essay write itself then?”

“I wrote nyet instead of net on my paper. Figurative language dot nope.”

“Can I just remove both of my uteri?”

“Hannah you have one uterus”

“I’m dumb completely independently from the fact that I’m old”

“Why dinosaurs do not have the capacity to be fascist”

“Amanda and I are on team daddy”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hydra kink”

“My eyelashes are too short”

“Like your di- I mean, I’m fasting”

“Walmart brand eighth grader”

“Does anyone know who the daughter of Zeus is?”

“Hermione”

“Give your partner a hand-job from a million miles away for only $88 plus tax”

“The vase is thicc”

“Do you not recognize my supreme overlord?”

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz?”

“Stop sensually licking the mango”

“Triangular foot bath”

“I’d rather be peed on by a sheep than eaten alive”

“What’s the place where planes go?”

“Airports?”

“Oh yeah. I thought they were called plane stations”

“Did you say egg or dick?”

“They would give you a gallon of the white baby vomit and then you have to drink it”

“I have nightmares about Russian grammar”

“You could tell I was ignoring you, right?”

“I hear you talking about your grades in my sleep”

“Freshman salads”

“I wanna be a song… singer person”

“What do door locks keep out?”

“Your insecurities”

“I’ve never been attacked by a gang member”

“The gays worship the Babadook”

“I love Joe Biden, he’s so cute. I want a pocket Joe Biden”

“Surrogate sneezing”

“Golfing doesn’t require ankles”

“You guys all have boners but you don’t have any notecards you’re all useless”

[isakthesnake]

so I was tagged in this by @smolsonisak (<333333) like a week ago and I’ve finally done it nobody actually has to do this but hey if you’re bored and have no life like me then hey

congrats u may now waste ur time learning random useless facts about me

Instructions: Tell your followers 11 random facts about yourself and tag 11 people. Tag backs are allowed but if you get tagged again you must not repeat any of the facts you mentioned in the previous round. The facts can be absolutely anything, whatever you feel like sharing and whatever comes to mind first. 

I have a bat formation tattoo on my left forearm and people always think they’re birds BUT IM MORE CREATIVE THAN THAT OKAY

I haven’t had a haircut since july

i’ve never seen a single star wars movie in full (I know its insane)

I have a sticker of harry styles’ face over my laptop’s camera (I feel safe and protected)

the first fandom I joined online was narnia (no srsly I was like 10 it was lit)

I sprained two of my fingers yesterday on my dominant hand so thats fun

I drink minimum 6 cups of coffee a day its cool

I still don’t have my license and tbh will I ever? probably not

i’ve eaten pancakes and only pancakes for 3 days now (I should go grocery shopping but lbr its far and theres the whole lack of licence situation)

until today I genuinely never knew what flotus or potus were acronyms for (i’m canadian sue me)

i’ve spent over an hour just filling this fucking section in and I have no more facts i’m boring and i’m sorry

Rules: Tag 20 of your followers you want to get to know better

Name: taylor Nickname: t, tater tot, philly, philly cheesesteak, philadelphia cream cheese (all based off my last name) Gender: i’m not a girl NOT YET A WOMAN Star Sign: leo Height: 5′2.8 (the .8 is important k) Sexual Orientation: bisexual af Hogwarts house: gryffindor Favorite Color: turquoise, burgundy, black, gold, grey Favorite Animal: lion Average Hours of Sleep: either 4 or 10 theres no inbetween Time Right Now: 19:00 on the dot Cat or Dog Person: both. both is good. Favorite Fictional Character: depends on the day.. today i’m feelin dwight schrute Number of Blankets I Sleep With: 4 Favorite Singer/ Band: does 1d count....... also the 1975, ed sheeran, borns, arctic monkeys and I really don’t know how to pick just one thing Dream Trip: world trip starting in new york to brazil to london to paris to norway to italy to india to dubai to australia to new zealand and I just wanna go everywhere really  Dream Job: editor in chief for british vogue (I dream big) When was this Blog Created: like 2009 Current Number of Followers: 1097 (I love all u bitches) When did your Account Peak: i’ve peaked oh god What made you Decide to Make a Tumblr: I was on livejournal back in the day and moved over when I was like 14 Why did you pick your URL: bc isak truly is a snake

pronouns? she age? twenty-one favourite skam character? isak when did you start watching skam? november and I haven’t gone back since who are you cheering for to be s4′s main? EVEN MY SON who do you think is most likely to be s4′s main? probably sana or even what are your main interests? tv shows and memes something you’re always up to discuss? my favourite characters/tv shows/harold the love of my life something you refuse to discuss? nothings really off topic

things i am currently in love with: ▪one song: fireflies (said the sky remix) - owl city ▪two movies: kingsman: the secret service.... thats the only movie i’ve seen recently. does the get down count? I feel like it should count ▪three TV shows: skam (obviously), full house, the office (always) ▪four people: my son tarjei sandvik moe, harry styles, cara delevingne, taron egerton ▪five foods: cheese, pasta, burgers, chicken, peanut butter

Share at least 2 good things that happened to you in 2016 ▪ skam ▪ I moved out??? ▪ 2016 ended

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo yeah i’ll tag @arcay9 @sanasevaks @foolshome @evenftisak @bunbunharry @perfdorable (i know u don’t watch skam but w/e) @tarjeitrash @sanaandthesun ok cool do whichever sections you want or none at all thats chill too k bye

[augustdecaymuse]

Aidan App V2

<span><b>name:</b>Aidan Hunter Thiessen</span>

<span><b>birthday:</b> 10/14/1990</span>

<span><b>occupation:</b> Thief/Entertainer</span>

<span><b>species:</b> Kokopelli</span>

<span><b>gender:</b> Cismale</span>

<span><b>orientation:</b> Androsexual</span>

<span><b>birth place:</b> Weston, Massachusetts</span>

<span><b>father:</b> Sigmund Thiessen</span>

<span><b>mother:</b> Cathrine Thiessen</span>

<span><b>sibllings:</b> Many</span>

<span><b>significant other:</b> None</span>

<span><b>children:</b> None that he knows of</span>

<span><b>personality traits</b> Sarcastic, Witty, Flirtatious, Self-Motivated, Generous, Wary, Vain, Pessimistic, Loyal, Adaptable.</span>

<span><b>likes:</b>Motorcycles, Cars, Energy Drinks, Birds, Shots, Naps, Money, Classic Rock, Leather.</span>

<span><b>dislikes:</b> Tea, Feet, Big Dogs, Police, Tight Spaces, Cold Temperatures, Ask Him He Can Rant Forever.</span>

</div></div></div>

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tw: neglect, crime

<p>

WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT IDEA OF HAPPINESS? <p>

“White picket fence covered in barbs and electricity, a pool, and a hot hunk in speedo with my name tattooed across his ass serving my cocktails.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? <p>

“Fear itself? Fuck, I don’t know. Isn’t there an expression that only idiots don’t get scared. I don’t like to think about that stuff. I like to pretend that I’m not going over the hump of getting older, wiser, and ever the more useless. I don’t want to have to ever give up my lifestyle out of my own free will. Though sometimes I worry that I’ll never grow because of that and I’ll be a selfish brat until the day I die no matter how many have to go before me.” <p>

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF? <p>

“Oh boy there’s a plethora to choose from. I’m selfish, immature, and cowardly. I also have some pretty nasty morning breath I’ve been told too so there’s that. Yuck.” <p>

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS? <p>

“Entitlement for sure. Nothing worse than trying to split up loot with someone who thinks they deserve more than the rest.” <p>

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE? <p>

“Any person who has clawed their way so far in this world ain’t good, so no one.”

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE? <p>

“My half a life.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND? <p>

“Hangry af.” <p>

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDEER THE MOST OVERRATED VIRTUE? <p>

“Chastity. It’s going to go eventually, might as well trade it away for some Doritos.” <p>

ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE? <p>

“Whenever it makes things easier. Lies are about convenience. Telling the truth isn’t always the solution, but neither is getting caught up in a ball of lies. It’s all about being smart. People think criminals are stupid but most of us aren’t dumb as they might think.” <p>

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE? <p>

“Without the beard strange people offer me candy and try to get me to hop into their vans to play.” <p>

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST DESPISE? <p>

“Wardens, judges, police officers, politicians, pretty much everyone. I never got hugged growing up, what can I say? Blame my parents. I hate them too.” <p>

WHAT QUALITY DO YOU MOST LIKE IN A MAN? <p>

“How big their ‘personality’ is of course.” <p>

WHAT QUALITY DO YOU MOST LIKE IN A WOMAN? <p>

“If she’s sweet enough to help me through tough times, slick enough to make a steal, and strong enough to slap me up when I need it.” <p>

WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVERUSE? <p>

“Pet names, baby, sweetheart, bitch, dead-to-me, I spare no one.” <p>

WHAT OR WHO IS THE GREATEST LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? <p>

“Chips. RIP my waistline. Thankfully running for my life and performing keeps a body good.” <p>

WHEN OR WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST? <p>

“On my bike, wind through my hair, engine roaring. Would kill to have those days back. I miss the open roads and taste of true freedom.” <p>

WHICH TALENT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HAVE? <p>

“Fart dollar bills?” <p>

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE? <p>

“I don’t like to think about this but sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if I was my dad’s child. Would I have been treated like part of my family? I would have been spoiled like the rest of the brat pack. Never would have run away. Lived a normal life of a rich kid. I wouldn’t have become /me/, but would have I been happy? Who knows… It’s not worth the energy…”<p>

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? <p>

“Getting the guts to actually leave home and become my own man.” <p>

IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR THING WHAT WOULD IT BE? <p>

“A bird would be cool, get lots of frequent flyer miles.” <p>

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO LIVE? <p>

“Don’t know. Here’s pretty nice for now. I like the heat and the strange mix of anonymity and familiarity in the town.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION? <p>

“Leather jacket, provides some storage, keeps me warm and looking damn fine.” <p>

WHAT DO YOU REGARD AS THE LOWEST DEPTH OF MISERY? <p>

“Knowing that I’m not my father’s child but I’m not even human. They weren’t right to ostracize me for the reasons they did but they should have stayed away. I’m a monster.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION? <p>

“Before shit went down I was a thief if you call that a job. Ran around with the biker gang I went with and we’d break loose. I’d swipe stuff and pawn it to get by. Went to prison for it and that’s how I ended up like this so I wouldn’t say it’s exactly my favorite job, but at the time I liked the adrenaline. The dominance and most everything else about it.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR MOST MARKED CHARACTERISTIC? <p>

“I’m a brown eyed boy.” <p>

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS? <p>

“Loyalty. I want friends that won’t betray me even when I feel like I can’t trust myself.” <p>

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE WRITERS? <p>

“The fucker who writes Toy Story 2 was ok in the bathroom stalls.” <p>

WHO IS YOUR HERO OF FICTION? <p>

“Ugly duckling. Guess who’s a swan now bitches?” <p>

WHICH HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH? <p>

“Probably some guy back in the medieval ages who walked out his door and a chamber pot randomly got emptied on his head.” <p>

WHO ARE YOUR HEROES IN REAL LIFE? <p>

“Zippo.” <p>

WHAT ARE YOU FAVORITE NAMES? <p>

“Mike Hunt.” <p>

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MOST DISLIKE” <p>

“Not being sure whether I want to change my ways or not. On one hand I could give up being a thief, keep entertaining as my income and settle down here. Or I could do what I always do, give up and run. I just don’t know anymore. It just seems like instinct now to do the latter. Fight or flight I always have given into fear.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST REGRET? <p>

“Getting caught and going to prison.” <p>

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?” <p>

“I would have liked to die before I was even born to be honest. Would have saved me a lot of angst and money on Marylin Manson merch. Probably some other people their lives too.” <p>

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? <p>

“I don’t bite, unless you want to play rough.”

</div></div></div>

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<p></p><span>friends</span> Aidan has been in town for a few months and is likely to have some friends by now. He’s extremely social and likes to hang around bars, clubs, and other entertainment establishments to raise hell merriment. He mainly works as a singer in town so far but has been known to do odd jobs as well to get by. He’s also likely to have met people on the road in the past since he’s traveled a lot in his lifetime ever since he was sixteen. Since he’s also got a criminal history with thievery and a criminal record he might have some people who know him from prison. He doesn’t like to get close to many since there’s a lot of abandonment in his history. That and he fears of hurting people being a kokopelli, but to those he truly considers himself loyal to he’s generous and extremely protective of.

<p></p><span>enemies</span> Oh boy this one’s got a mouth on him. He’s extremely snarky and doesn’t have respect for authority. In fact quite the opposite, he goes out of his way to antagonize those he perceives with power (i.e. law, money, education, etc) with biting remarks and almost teenage antics. However he’s not particularly violent. Only in times of desperation has he used his powers for his gain. He doesn’t to want mortal enemies, but some might not take too kindly to his playful nature.

<p></p><span>lovers</span> He’s never been in love before and honestly never plans to be. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in love, it’s just he doesn’t think he’s lucky enough or deserving for it. He however is very sexual. He uses his body to get ahead at times. And has explored many facets of different kink communities. But he keeps emotions out of things and makes that very clear with those he ends up around, for better or for worse. However perhaps there’s someone out there who could change things for good.