#fuck you brain!! the meds are supposed to help!!! thEY ARENT DOING SHIT

[fregget-frou]

I had a good day!!!!!!

[glitchdollmemoria]

continued addiction talk

RESEARCHING IS NOT HELPING. come on google youre supposed to say "yeah man caffeine is gonna give you ten bajillion seizures" not "actually some people with epilepsy find caffeine helpful but too much can increase seizures so be careful" because then my brain discards the last part and the fact that im ABOUT TO PROBABLY GO BACK ON SOME MEDS THAT MIGHT HELP MY SEIZURES bc i have no real faith in epilepsy meds and am desperate and willing to do science on myself when i feel like doctors arent able to help me enough. points at self in mirror. hey man. you have TACHYCARDIA. and SHIT ASS MUSCLES which will likely be NEGATIVELY AFFECTED IN THE LONG RUN IF YOU GO OVERBOARD ON CAFFEINE. sooo QUIT IT YOUNG LADY. and then another piece of my brain pipes up from the back like in that one "lowballing the furry porn artist amount" comic and goes "hey what if we had booze right now" and i look into the crowd of other me's and i look directly at the booze loving me and i go WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL MAN. COME THE FUCK ON. GET REAL. ohhhhh im in the spiral

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.