#WHY AM I LIKE THIS

[bluegirldreams]

[itrulyhatethisworld]

it hurts

talking to someone that’ll never be yours

that’ll never see you the way you see them

will never care about you like you do them

it hurts

[faerunsbest]

"Do you regret marrying me?"

-Rolan

imagine rolan getting married and being who he is he's still very work focused. He gradually increases his own workload without meaning to, falls asleep in his study. His partner always going to try and call him to bed, but just one more thing... just one more minute.

He has an idea so wakes up skips breakfast and hurries to work and when he gets back to his desk, there's a cold cup of tea and breakfast.

When he does make it to bed, he just passes out and when he wakes he hurries out if bed without a thought. And the store is flourishing.

The tower is brilliant but

Something isnt right...

This time, he lays down in bed and realizes his partner is sleeping close the edge with their back to him. He makes a face but assumes it must have been a long day.

When he wakes the bed is empty, he looks across the blankets not sure why it bothers him. Are they always up so early? He gets up and looks around the room, smiling when he sees them brushing their hard in the bathroom. What are they getting ready for?

When he asks, he's surprised to them look him suspiciously before just leaving the room. No good morning, no teasing, nothing. The silence is heavy as they just pass by, leaving for the day.

In his office that day, he sits down and finds himself staring at an empty teacup that had just become part of the decor. The longer he stared at the cup, the more he wondered how long it had sat there untouched.

Guilt formed in his stomach as he picked it up and turned over, looking the dry tea stained rings inside it. They used to come in here every day and take the cup away and bring him something warm.

When was the last time they came in here? He stood, taking the teacup and it's saucer. His reflection glinting in a mirror.

He stared and for a moment, didn't recognize himself. Longer hair, down to his shoulder blades with streaks of grey. Crows feet and dark under his eyes, his chest tightened as he suddenly thought about his spouses bizarre expression this morning.

Later on, when dinner is set at the table for his spouse and siblings, he finds Cal leaving a plate for him at his desk.

When was the last time he was down there? He isn't sure what to do. Suddenly, his world feels like water and desperately trying to hold on. It's just pouring through his fingers.

That night, he made a point of going to bed at a decent hour. His partner had been laying tossed across the bed comfortably. At the sound of the door opening, he watches them roll to the edge and curl up.

They were staying away from him on purpose.

The first urge is to leave them alone and let them have that space. But he misses them and wonders if he can fix whatever he's done, or not done. So he lay in bed, looking at their back.

He's cautious as he reaches out to touch their shoulder.

"Hey"

"...?"

"Where were you today?"

They looked over their shoulder at him, confused. For a moment they just stare at him and he can't read that look. He doesn't know what's going in their like he did before...he doesn't know them.

They lay back down without answering and his heart sank. Rolan couldn't remember falling asleep, though he woke up in a cold sweat damn near screaming when the first night terror in years reared its head.

They shook him til he woke and pressed him to their chest, gripping him tight. Rolan thrashed for a moment before his ear was pressed over their heart. The sound felt like home and it had been so long since he heard it. His strung his arms around their middle and held on as if they might just disappear if he let go.

When he woke up again the bed was empty, he placed his hands over his face and tried not to feel the way it ached. Had they left already?

Beside him, something was set against the nightstand with a soft 'thup'. They set down a glass of water and didn't look at him. The words fell out before he could think about it.

"Are you leaving?"

They looked at him, again unreadable.

"I gotta to work, you'll be fine without me. You always are."

When the door shut behind them, panic set in again and was lost. He didn't go to his office, instead he pulled on a robe and went downstairs. His siblings were chatting, Lia froze when she saw him standing there looking haggard and exhausted.

"What happened?"

"I don't know what to do..."

The day passed again, his love nowhere in the tower until late at night he found them trudging in from the docks and going to sit on a balcony with a lump of cheese bread and wine bottle from somewhere else. They didn't eat here?

Rolan stepped out, finding them looking at him from the corner of their eye.

"You were at the docks?"

"Yea, I work there."

"Why? Is there something you want? I'm sure I can-"

"I don't want your damn money Rolan."

His name was said with bite, when has it sat on them like that? Since when they stop smiling when they looked at him.

"I just..."

"What's this about? You're acting weird as hell the last few days. What's going on?"

They turned in place to look at him with a pointed glare, wiping wipe from the corner of their.

"I just...was worried I..."

That hard stare was cold and heavy and... something he couldn't place.

"Do you regret me?"

They looked at him, frozen. Eyes searching him though they stayed quiet so he asked again.

"Do you regret, marrying me?"

"Why would you ask that?"

His partner suddenly stood, brow set in a deep frown. They huffed and shifted their weight back and forth from one leg to the other. He couldn't tell if it was anger or anxiety or both.

"You seem so angry... I was"

"What the fuck do care!? YOU DONT EVEN LIKE ME ANYMORE ROLAN!"

His eyes went wide and he realized it was hurt that he didn't see before. They moved to push past him, terrified he grabbed their sleeve to stop them before they could run away.

" I love you. Please, please do you still love me?"

They stood there, paused in midstep...letting him hang on to their arm.

"I'm still here aren't I? I'm so stupid that I stay. I don't want to anymore, I don't wanna love you anymore. I could die you wouldn't notice for a week."

Such hateful words cut deep, rolan feels his eyes sting and tries to pull them close but they won't budge.

"Why would you say that?"

"Rolan... what happened? Why are you doing this now?"

" I just, I miss you."

They turned around to look at him furious, angry tears welling up.

"You didn't care when I missed you. I told you all the time and you didn't even hear me, you didn't listen to a man thing and now, and NOW YOU MISS ME!?"

"I'm sorry i-"

This time, they yanked their arm from his grip to face him. He didn't know what part her hurt more, knowing all this bottled up outrage was his fault or that he may not get a chance to fix it.

"You what, Rolan, WHAT."

"You didn't answer...do you still love me?"

He watched them take a deep breath, a refreshed wave of tears spilling down their face.

"YES! YOU ASSHOLE! I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU! IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT EVERY DAMN DAY."

Their hands curled up into fists shaking at their sides as they glared at him,

"I'm so stupid, that I stay. I stay and I used to try every day, try to just ...be near you and you kept pushing me out. Telling me you're busy. And when I tried to kiss you I couldn't becautheres people around and when were alone you're too tired for me because you just work and work until THERES NONE OF YOU LEFT FOR ME!"

Rolan felt a lump forming in his throat while they screamed at him, sobbing and wiping at their face.

" I'm so stupid I stay, I stay hoping for crumbs of you like a fucking rat."

He reached out slowly, putting his hand in theirs, just listening.

"Now, when you look at me, I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want cause I know it's not me."

"I love you."

He was sure what to do or say but all he knows is that he hasn't said it enough, he hasn't shown it. Or felt it or anything. He closes the space between them, pressing a kiss to their forhead.

"I'm sorry I've let this happen... but I love you. And...you still love me? So can I try again?"

[drawlody]

5m doodle turn serious x my blorbos x cn palette

Alts

[karengillanslefteyebrow]

What if. What if. What if one of the recordings we hear. Is one of Gertrude’s tapes before the institute burned down. What then.

[the-fools-hat]

Shadow-Milk and Pitaya cookies :))

[wat3rlem0n]

he's so kooky omg

[lainaabee]

im so ready to sleep but i just can’t i’ve been staring at my ceiling for soo long😭😭

[covert1ntrovert]

Of all the things I’m worried about for the finale- I can’t stop thinking about the status of where Echo’s TBB Arc Trooper armor is since he had to do a costume change????

[porchlightstudios]

I did this out of pure boredom and free will

[bluegirldreams]

[itrulyhatethisworld]

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧, 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

[uzguncilek]

Hi cutie

[aziraphales-flaming-cock]

I join the Discord server

I mute the Discord server

I'm never seen again in the Discord server

[wistfulenchantress]

completed.

EDIT: this has now, as of this edit, reached over 2,000 notes. And I have started doing the things. My life is still far from perfect, but I genuinely do scroll through all the replies and reblogs and watch people get other people to help and reassure me and check on me and it makes me feel so much more loved than i normally do. i'm even going to bed earlier because you said i should. i love all of you so much, and i owe you 2,053 times. all my love, witch.

ORIGINAL POST:

ok here goes. i haven't taken enough care of myself recently. so here we go

if this reaches 100 notes i will start doing yoga again, to help with my anxiety COMPLETE (how you guys are insane)

if this reaches 200 notes i'll start studying more and putting in more effort COMPLETE (o my gosh)

if it reaches 500 i will actually try my best to exercise for the right reasons, instead of random bursts of self-hatred/body hatred COMPLETE (i posted this yesterday evening)

if this reaches 700 notes i will try my absolute best to fix my sleep schedule COMPLETE (ok this is insane)

if this reaches 1000 notes i will be more honest with my therapist COMPLETE (dammit you guys ilysm but this is gonna be hard)

if this reaches 2300 notes i will be more honest with myself about why i am turning to tumblr for this kind of thing and write a poem about it. (this one is a joke since i think 5000 is impossible, and i will write a poem for you guys anyway. i love you) (i’ve now changed this to a more reasonable goal - one really close to what i have now - because honestly i want you guys to succeed because the fact that people are still on this post is insane and it makes me smile.) AND COMPLETE! (i love every person who interacted with this post so much it isn’t even funny. all my gratitude and adoration, witch)

this ends at the beginning of may. you can spam i guess i have 35 followers it prob wont even reach 100. but go ahead, tumblr, do your thing. lol

[cinnamongirlsdiary]