#fun goofy name. almost always wearing a shirt. also because I think he is charming and I think a trans reading of him is fun

[4st4rion]

maybe I'm not looking in the right places but we should talk more about trans wyll

[miekasa]

random boyfriend eren hcs (modern/college au)

↯ pairing: eren jaeger x (fem) reader

↯ genres and warnings: modern/college au, himbo eren supremacy as per usual, but can you imagine eren, armin, and jean living together in one house bye

↯ notes: this is me once again trying out this headcanon format, also because i have lots of thoughts about eren (being normal) and going to college lmao

↯ more notes: sorry i have to repost this again tumblr is being dumb ://

Not a frat boy, but definitely lives by the mantra “work hard, party harder.”

Likes going out to frat parties and keggers first year, but calms down as time goes on. Sophomore year is more house parties and occasionally going downtown to clubs. By the time junior year rolls around tho, he and Jean are thee party hosts. Homecoming, Halloween, Pre-Thanksgiving break, you name it, those two have a reason to throw a party for it

But party doesn’t always mean absolute rager. Sometimes it’s just drinking with your friends, playing pong, and absolutely crushing Jean at uno. 

At parties with lots of other people, Eren really doesn’t let people fuck around with you, or any of his friends really. Once almost got into a fight because he watched a guy out his hands on yours and Mikasa’s waists to “move around you.” As if. 

Wears his key necklace around all the time, obviously. So he gives you a necklace with a lock on it, with both of your initials engraved on the back. 

Nobody really notices it at first, since the chains are long and the necklaces are you usually tucked inside your shirts. But one day, ever the observant one, Armin catches a glimpse of yours resting on top of your shirt. Cue squinted eyes looking back and forth between you and Eren before—eureka! “You and Eren have matching necklaces!!!”

Plays sports, not for a scholarship but just for fun. Gets very pouty when you can’t make it to his games; and gets extra pouty if you show up, but you’re not wearing his jersey.

On the flip side, gets very giddy when he sees you in the stands with his jersey on and very ostentatiously scoops you up into a hug after the game is over.

Literally does not know where the library is until you show it to him. Any of them. Help him.

The worst person to study with if he doesn’t have any actual work to do. Will bother you and prefer to gossip than to let you do your work in peace. If you need an actual study buddy, you should try Mikasa.

Drunkenly hits on you a lot. Scratch that, he hits on you regardless, drunk or sober, despite the fact that you’re literally dating him already.

Literally reserves at least two nights of the week to have dinner with Armin bye and you couldn’t even interrupt them if you tried.

Waits for you outside of your classroom if you’ve had an important presentation or something. Not always with anything cheesy or loud, but just to be able to cheer you on and congratulate you after.

Hates the act of going grocery shopping, but loves going with you. Also because you force him to buy things other than Anytizers and Kraft Mac and Cheese.

Steals your hair ties and scrunchies to put his hair up. Does not fucking give them back, and denies having them, even if they’re piling up on his wrist.

Will drive you anywhere and everywhere. He is your personal Uber. Even if you don’t want him to be, he would rather die than let you get into an actual Uber—and if it’s late at night? Forget it, Eren doesn’t care if you’re 45 mins away, he’ll come get you.

After you stabbed him with your pen for drawing in your notebook (with your very pristine notes), he started leaving sticky notes inside of them instead.

They’re all super random, usually incoherent, and sometimes just drawings, and you’d never tell him, but you keep every single one.

Cuts class a lot, but not to the point where he’s failing. Just when he feels like it’s deserved, you know? Like, if he attended lecture for a class all week, he deserved to skip Friday’s lecture. As a treat.

He’s embarrassing. Endearing, but so embarrassing. Like, singing in the middle of the street embarrassing. Asking you to do a TikTok in public embarrassing. Why do you even love him.

Moves off-campus during junior year and rooms with Jean and Armin in three-bedroom house. So, he’s never actually lonely, but he’s a little crybaby and will whine to get to you to come over.

LOVES sleeping over at your place, though. Because you live with Annie and Mikasa, so your place is always clean and always smells good. Plus Mikasa and Annie are usually busy, which means you get more privacy at your place.

Mikasa honestly just starts making breakfast for Eren in the mornings when he does sleep over, and Annie is so unfazed by his presence.

Jumps at the opportunity to join in on your girls wine-night or skincare-routine night. So what if it’s him and three other girls drinking red wine with face masks on and talking about Anne Hathaway movies while playing Monopoly Deal? It leaves him pleasantly buzzed and his skin is absolutely glowing, suck his dick, Connie.

Likely doesn’t understand a thing about your major/program but listens enthusiastically when you talk about it anyways.

His lock screen is the only selfie he’s ever convinced you to take with him. (That’s okay because he has many screenshots of your snaps for safekeeping and blackmailing).

Tries to get you to exercise with him. If you’re into that, then great. If you’re not, it’s okay, he always has time to stop and take a mid-workout thirst trap to send your way. Because he’s annoying like that.

Once accidentally replied to the whole class instead of just the professor on an email asking him to be a g and bump his 89.9 to a 90. Embarrassing. (The prof did raise in the end tho, so maybe he really does have some charm to him).

Has to wear reading glasses when studying for a long time/or at his computer for a long time, and even though he doesn’t like them, you think he looks super cute in them; so he wears them more often than usual. 

Calls you asking for the most obscure school supplies/stationary. “Babe, hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare 4x8 poster board laying around now would you?” 

Mind you this is at, like, 3am, 12 hours before the poster board in question is due. 

Speaking of stationary, is an absolute little shit and steals your good pens. He’s partial to the sparkly ones, if he’s being honest. They make his notes look better, fuck you, Jean. 

“Eren, give me back my purple 0.4mm pen.” “I don’t know what that is, sorry.” “Eren, I can see it in your hand!” 

Brings you snacks while you’re studying. If you’re really trying to crack down and be serious, he won’t even bother you. Just bring the snacks, bring you water and boba, kiss your little forehead and be on his way.

Has a polaroid camera he got as a birthday gift, and uses it to sneak pictures of you whenever you’re not looking. He keeps the good ones hung up on a sponge board in his room.

He has a few.... riskier ones too, but those are for his eyes only.

Loves to pick out your nail color when you get your nails done. Honestly gets a little pouty when you don’t ask him lmaoo

Purposely leaves his clothes around so you can wear them. Isn’t subtle about it in the slightest. Sometimes leaves them with a note: “Please wear this, you’d look cute as fuck. Thank you. —Management.”

(slightly nsfw below)

Is not too proud to ask you for risqué snaps. Not necessarily full nudes, thought he doesn’t object to those.

Will literally give you hickeys out of boredom. Will pull you onto his lap and start kissing your neck because he has nothing better to do. Also because it leads to sex 7/10 times. The other 3 times, it’s because he falls asleep with his head in your neck lmaoo

Might have once fucked you with one of his lectures playing in the background, but you’ll never tell.

He really likes phone sex. He’s shit at being quiet, so he can only really do it when Jean and Armin are out of the house, but there’s something about only being able to hear your moans to get off that really does it for him.

He’s kind of goofy and absentminded sometimes, so sometimes you’ll be mid-sex and he’ll look at you like “Hey, did you finish your assignment, it’s due tomorrow right?”

And honestly, you kinda wanna be upset, but then you start thinking—“Did I finish my assignment?” And then you realize you did and nod and he’s like “Ok, cool,” kisses your forehead and resumes where you left off.

[diaphragmjellyfish]

Miguel Diaz fluff alphabet

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Miguel loves your smile. He’s a funny guy and he thinks your smile lights up a room so he makes it his mission to make you laugh as much as possible. If you have some crooked teeth, he thinks it’s adorable. Also, looking at your smile makes him think about your lips which just makes him want to kiss you.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Yes, after he gets a stable job. He would love kids but he doesn’t want to be like his dad and end up abandoning his family so he would make extra sure he could support the child and you and makes a conscious effort to be there for his family no matter what. Asking about their day, being involved in their sports/clubs/hobbies, making snacks when they have friends over. He just wants to be the Cool Dad ™ and would probably try to teach them karate before they could even sit up.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

He loves to have you sit between his legs and lean back against his chest so he can wrap his arms around you and make sure you’re always safe and warm. It’s the perfect position for movies, video games, deep conversations, baths. He will also often come up behind you at a party and hold you like this if someone is hitting on you or if you look uncomfortable or bored. He can whisper little jokes in your ear or kiss you on the cheek.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

He loves fun dates. You both have always found fancy dinner dates really awkward. He likes something where you guys can move around, do activities, and just let loose. The go-to’s are usually mini golf, the arcade, the zoo, or just a nice picnic in the park. He often gets you little gifts before dates, though, like flowers, a stuffed animal, or a cool rock he found. His Yaya taught him never to show up for a date empty handed. And he’s a total gentleman, never making you uncomfortable or rushing things. Miguel keeps his hands to himself unless instructed otherwise.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…)

You are my sunshine. As cheesy as it is, Miguel sees you as the shining light in his life. You make everything better, whether that’s an injury, a bad day at school, or losing a fight at training. He knows he can always go to you and be distracted by your beautiful smile.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

Miguel first knew he was in love with you when you met his family for the first time. They invited you over for dinner one night and he told you his Yaya didn’t speak much english, so you asked him to teach you some spanish so you could talk with her. It wasn’t perfect, you made lots of grammar mistakes and really only said a couple sentences to her, but the effort you made combined with the smile on Yaya’s face made him fall absolutely head-over-heels.

If you already speak spanish, it would be seeing you talk with his Yaya and joke around with her over dinner.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

The most gentle boy on the face of the Earth. Like I said earlier, Miguel keeps his hands to himself unless you tell him otherwise. The first time you guys kiss, he barely moves a muscle. You had to grab his hands and put them on your waist. Even now, when he’s teaching you karate, he refuses to hit or grab you, so you honestly don’t really learn anything lol and if you’re sick or sleeping, he’s like a feather, so scared to disturb you. It’s like touching a kitten honestly

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

All. The. Time. He’s not too big on PDA, except for hand-holding. This is how he lets everyone know you’re taken without seeming possessive or gross. Miguel will grab your hand at the mall, at school, while y’all are cuddling, at the beach, literally whenever you’re in arm’s reach from him, he’s holding your hand.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

Miguel’s first impression of you is that you’re this bright ray of sunshine. He’s drawn to you like a magnet. Your eyes, your smile, your laugh! And when he finally works up the nerve to say hi (Strike first!) he thinks his heart might actually melt. When you actually laugh at the joke he makes and hold out your hand to introduce yourself, he turns bright red and can barely speak omfg this poor boy. But luckily you think it’s sweet and keep talking to him.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

He did at first, we’ve all seen how he acts with Sam and Robby, but you lay down the law. You have to tell him that it’s not cool, it makes people uncomfy, and then he finally starts to work on it. Now he’s better. He still feels jealous sometimes, but he trusts you and can control himself a bit more.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

So your first kiss. You were giving him The Look for like 10 minutes straight and he never made a move. He just stared at you. So you had to be the first one to actually lean in, but once you did, he met you halfway. His kisses match his personality. Sweet, gentle, and goofy, but with a more dominant, aggressive side if you know how to bring it out ;)

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

He did. After you had dinner with his family and he realized he loved you, he told you almost immediately. This boy just wears his heart on his sleeve. He was walking you home and when you got to your house and turned around to kiss him goodnight, he had a funny look on his face. When you asked him what was wrong he kind of went ILOVEYOU! Really fast and you had to make him say it again slower because you thought he had a stroke or smth lmaooo but once he took a deep breath and said it more clearly, you jumped on him and kissed his whole face and said it back a hundred times.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

When he first introduced you to Sensei Lawrence. He thought Sensei was gonna be super mean and make fun of you, but turns out you guys had a lot in common. You loved 80’s rock music, and responded to his sass with even more sass. Johnny almost couldn’t believe Miguel was able to get such a cool babe. You guys all had lunch after taking a tour of the dojo, and it was a super fun day! You all drove around in Johnny’s car with the windows down listening to Guns ‘n Roses.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Miguel spoils you in his own little way. His family isn’t as fortunate as others, but he still finds ways to make you feel special. Instead of a diamond necklace, he gives you a cool rock he found outside and cleaned up. Instead of taking you to expensive restaurants, he spends all day cooking with Yaya to make a nice picnic for you guys to have on the beach. And he saves up to buy you nice gifts for your birthday or anniversary.

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Rose gold. You’re so beautiful to him and have this natural charm that everyone falls for. You’re so radiant and yet soft and unique. He just love love loves you.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Sweety, sweetheart, baby, gorgeous, and Princess during more intimate moments.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

80’s rock music. He learns to love it through Sensei Lawrence. He even saves up to buy a record player so he can feel more connected to the past.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Build blanket forts, cuddle, bake cookies, he might even let you put makeup on him if you ask nice.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Humor. He loves cracking jokes and lightening the mood. If you’re ever feeling down you know you can go to him and he will turn that frown upside down in mere minutes. Honestly even just being in his presence makes you happier. He cheers himself up by working out, taking some alone time to get his feelings out, and then going out with some friends or with you.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Umm, karate! Duh lol the boy is obsessed with it. Also superhero movies, video games, his day, he’s honestly kind of a rambler. He can talk about anything and everything if he’s nervous enough. Let’s not forget the gas station scene in season 1…

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

You, dark rooms, white noise, puppies, linen scented candles, his mom’s cooking.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

His new muscles. Ever since joining Cobra Kai, he’s gotten pretty ripped and now it’s a struggle to get him to keep his shirt on. He worked hard for that body, he wants people to see how good he looks!

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

After college, he takes you on a hike up to this ridge overlooking a lake. It’s fall, the leaves are changing colors, and there’s no one around. You guys have been holding hands the whole time, but his hand is super sweaty even though it’s like 50 degrees out. You guys finally get to the top of the ridge and he grabs both your hands and tells you all the things he loves about you. This boy basically recites your whole love story, and as soon as he sticks his hand in his pocket you know what’s going on. He barely even got the box out of his pocket before you were jumping on him screaming Yes! You guys fell to the ground and he stopped you so he could officially get the words out. You were both crying, it was very beautiful.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

More Than Words by Extreme. You guys dance to this at your wedding.

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Absolutely. Y’all marry pretty young, like right out of college. He knew you were gonna get married on the first date.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Iguana. He thinks they’re like little dinosaurs! He would name it Wade because we know he loves Deadpool.

[usemeasabadexample]

Bechloe Fic: The Kraken Has Been Unleashed

Summary: Chloe has a way with her. That’s for sure. And, as uncomfortable as it might make her to think about it in this very moment, Beca’s starting to wonder just what that really means.

Set at the beginning of Pitch Perfect 2. Kind of canon, kind of...not canon. Mostly fluff and fun and maybe some very mild angst at best. Nothing too stressful. We’ve been through enough of that!

Read on AO3

Chapter 10

Beca's alarm wakes her up way too early the next morning.

Usually, she'd snooze the clock ten times, roll out of bed and barely have time to brush her teeth before running to class. This morning is different though. It's the first day of her internship and she wants to be prepared.  Wants to look professional. And she's pretty sure professional doesn't include a messy bun with sweatpants and one of Chloe's Barden t-shirts.

So she gets up early. Showers and puts on something nice before grabbing a bowl of cereal.

“You look hot this morning DJ. What's up?” Stacie ambles into the kitchen and gestures to Beca's outfit while opening up the refrigerator.

Beca looks up from her breakfast. “Hey Stace.” She swallows the bite she just shoved into her mouth. “Nothing. Just...won't have time to change before the party later.” The stool screeches across the floor as she stands and drops her bowl into the sink. “See you tonight.” She grabs her things and rushes out before Stacie can ask anymore questions. Stacie can sniff out a lie from a mile away so the last thing she needs to do is play a game of 20 questions with the house genius.

“Can’t wait!” Stacie calls out as Beca hustles out of the door to get to her first class on time, excited for what the day holds.

-----

Jesse’s car is rounding the corner as Beca walks away from her last class so she picks up speed. She doesn’t trust him. He has a knack for embarrassing her in public places. Not maliciously. Just...dorky.  

“Hey superstar!” Jesse shouts out of the car window as he screeches to a halt. He leans over the center console to sling the passenger door open for Beca. “Damn! Work it Bec!”

Beca practically sprints the rest of the way to the car. “Oh my god.” She jumps in and slams the door, frantically trying to roll up the window. “Please shut up.”

Jesse laughs. “Is that any way to talk to your chauffeur for the day?”

“Keep it up and it’ll only get worse.” Beca side eyes him and adjusts the radio.

Jesse always plays late fifties pop songs and while Beca appreciates all types of music, she can't sit there and listen to it for extended periods. Although it does give her ideas for new mixes. Chloe always loves it when she mashes up old school songs with new stuff. Her thoughts stay trained on her best friend and she wonders what Chloe is up to. Between the rush of getting ready and trying not to freak out, there just wasn't time to see her this morning.

That's her excuse anyway.

If she's being honest, avoidance tactics may have been at work. She feels like absolute shit for keeping the internship from the redhead but she doesn't know how to broach the subject. Under normal circumstances, she knows she would be excited to tell Chloe. But there's a lot at stake for the Bellas right now and she doesn't want to add anything else to the older woman's plate. She wants Chloe to know that she's there and she's present and she's going to fight for them because letting Chloe down would be the worst feeling in the world.

Jesse's small talk forces her to dismiss the thought. They talk about classes and auditions and their last hood night party the Trebles are hosting later tonight and before she knows it, they’re pulling up to the Residual Heat Recording Studio.  

Her nerves bubble up again.

She's excited and hopeful but she still has the weight of guilt lingering in the back of her mind. Jesse reassures her that everything will be okay. He reminds her that she's worked hard for this opportunity and she deserves this shot.

She gives him a quick kiss before running away while he continues to holler out more embarrassing comments. He's definitely a nerd but he knows her well. His goofy antics have calmed her down considerably and she takes a moment to appreciate his charm before charging ahead.

-----

The afternoon is a blur.

She fucks up her name tag picture, makes a shit ton of coffee and hands out a lot of snacks. She's nobody important here but that's not the point. There's a lot to be learned. A lot to be gained. This is her shot. It's her first step into the world of music production and she's looking forward to paying her dues.

In a bizarre series of events, her boss unexpectedly storms into the office and announces they'll be producing a new Christmas album for Snoop Dogg. The Snoop Dogg. It's crazy but she stifles her excitement. She doesn't want to be labeled as some psycho newbie on her first day but relaxing isn't easy. Between draining her brain for a quick idea on how to make Snoop's new album original and the exchanges happening between this Dax kid and her boss, she’s struggling to control her reactions. Her facial expressions always give her away and the one she's wearing right now screams absolute confusion because Dax is now high-kneeing around the room and this is all really fucking weird.

Thankfully, her phone buzzes and it gives her a reason to look away from the train wreck happening in front of her. She has four messages, none of which she noticed earlier. They’re from Jesse, Amy, and Chloe respectively.

She opens Jesse's message first. It's some idiotic, cheesy 'hope everything is going well’ message and she replies by calling him a dork. It seems like her go-to word when referring to him.

She hesitates before opening Amy's messages because she never knows what the blonde is going to say. It's almost always inappropriate and usually impossible to understand, but she opens it anyway.

Shorty! Where is our toothbrush?!

Yep.

What the fuck does Amy mean by our toothbrush? Beca refuses to believe the obvious. That Amy is implying (more like directly stating) that they use the same toothbrush. That just cannot be right. And even if it is, why would it be missing?

She makes a mental note to buy a new one immediately.

Maybe two.

The second message is almost just as cringeworthy.

Your acawife was asking where you were! You're gonna be in the dingo house tonight!

The urge to roll her eyes is too strong to avoid so she rolls them around before deciding she will not be messaging Amy back. She clicks Chloe's message instead. It's the most recent one.

Trip to Copenhagen is all booked! AHH! :-P

Beca chuckles to herself. She can hear Chloe's voice singing the message in her head. It's cute but it also makes her feel bad because they haven't even discussed the issue of Worlds and Beca promised she would be there for Chloe.  Yet, here she is. At an internship that she still hasn't told Chloe about while the redhead sits at home and plans alone all afternoon. She knows she's going to have to address all of this at some point but how? This isn't really her area of expertise.

Another message comes through.

It's Chloe again.

You okay? Haven't heard from you today! :-(

Ouch.

Beca wonders why she acts like such a dick sometimes. There doesn’t seem to be any logical excuse. Especially when it comes to Chloe. She's the last person on Earth Beca wants to disappoint but it seems like it's destined to happen.

She takes a deep breath and types out a reply.

Sorry Chlo! Busy day. I'll see you at the Trebles’ later!

It's vague and lame but she can't tell the truth and she doesn’t want to outright lie to Chloe so she hits send and shoves her phone back into her pocket as her boss storms back into the room. She straightens in her seat and tries to blend in for the rest of the day.

-----

Beca exits the studio, overwhelmed and stressed, and throws her bag into the back seat of a cab before jumping in and giving the driver directions to the Bellas’ house.

She leans back and takes a deep breath that vibrates her through her lips on the way out. She knew this business would be cut-throat but wow . Today proved how messed up the music industry really is. The people are self-serving and the pace is incredibly fast and it feels like the multi-tasking skills needed to get through each minute are nearly impossible to master.

She’ll get through it though. She has to. This is her shot to get out there and start making a name for herself. This is her dream.

Plus, she’s glad to have the first day out of the way. It can only get easier from here.

Hopefully.

Possibly.

Who knows.

She shakes it off and pulls her phone out of her pocket. She hasn’t had a chance to check it since she messaged Chloe back earlier. Sure enough, there are a few new messages from her best friend. Chloe has no qualms about sending Beca multiple texts in a row. Even when Beca doesn’t answer right away, Chloe will continue babbling without worrying about whether or not she's being annoying.

If it were anyone else, Beca would probably send a string of expletives and permanently block their number. But, like everything else, Chloe is the exception. She smiles and opens their text thread.

Okay! Can't wait! XO

I hope they have the green punch!

Please bust out the cell phone dance move! I love it!!! ;-)

So, a Legacy showed up to our door tonight to audition and we accepted! She's totes amazing and you're going to love her!

I don't think we are breaking the rules bc she came to us! Loophole! :-D

BTW, Legacy means that her mom was a Bella. Her mom is THE Katherine Junk! Omg!

Beca chuckles at the enthusiasm in the messages and pictures Chloe grinning excitedly as she wrote them. A wave of anticipation hits her and she’s overwhelmed with the sudden need to get home as quickly as possible. She tells herself that she’s just anxious to get home after a long day but she knows that's a lie. Before reading those texts, she was tired. Even considered not showing up to the party but there’s a new energy flowing through her and she wills the cab driver to hurry the fuck up already.

When she finally makes it home, she throws her bag down, uses the bathroom, and races through the bushes to the Trebles’ house.

-----

Beca approaches the party, surprised at how out of control things seem already. It's still pretty early but the acapella crowd clearly came to party tonight. She wonders what type of trouble the Bellas are getting into and smiles thinking about all of their past Hood Nights. They've had some wild ones and she's sure this last one will be no different. Especially if Chloe has anything to do with it.

Chloe has a way of making Hood Nights, and most parties in general, more fun than they probably should be. Some of them, in particular, stand out for reasons that Beca isn’t prepared to think about right now. Mainly because they involve Chloe getting way too handsy.

But she already said she’s not thinking about that and scans the crowd for red hair instead.

Oddly enough, she can’t quickly spot her best friend but she spies Jesse sitting up on the deck. And because the night has her feeling light and giddy, she creeps up behind him and grabs him by the shoulders before giving him a quick peck on the lips.

His drink almost slips out of his hands and Beca mutters a quick “oh shit” before dropping down next to him. She takes a deep breath, ready to de-stress after such a crazy day, but Jesse starts asking about the internship and about Chloe and damnit.

“Oh, she’s just..she’s like, locked into the World’s right now and I’m looking for the right time. It’s-- I’ll tell her.” Beca tries to shrug it off like it’s no big deal but it dampens her mood and she excuses herself to grab a drink at the tiki hut. Why did Jesse have to bring up Chloe and the internship in the same sentence? Beca already feels like the absolute worst person in the world and the thought of Chloe having to ask Jesse for her whereabouts just makes it even worse.

This sucks.

Beca takes a huge gulp of whatever concoction is being served tonight and notes that it’s not the green punch that Chloe was hoping for but she can't dwell on it because she notices there’s a really tall girl just standing there staring at her. The girl's arms are stretched out towards Beca and she has no idea what’s about to happen.

“Hi!”

“Hi…” Beca responds hesitantly, still completely unsure.

The taller woman rambles something about being sisters and then it clicks for Beca. She realizes this is the girl- correction- the Legacy, that’s been added to their team.

“Oh yeah! Hi. Chloe texted me that we added a Legacy. I...didn't even know that was a thing.” She lifts her shoulders and gestures with her hands as she speaks. It feels odd.

The girl giggles and keeps staring at Beca so Beca just chuckles uncomfortably and takes another sip.

Then another.

And they're both just sort of standing there awkwardly.

Beca gives a tense smile and widens her eyes, which finally seems to break the other girl’s manic look.

She slaps her hands to her forehead way too hard. “Ouch! Oh my god. I’m sorry! I'm Emily. By the way. Sorry. I forgot that you didn’t know my name yet and I think the others have already started calling me Legacy so it’s totally okay if you want to call me that too I just figured you should know my real name because I totally-”

Beca reaches out and briefly touches Emily’s arm to stop her rambling. “Emily.” She pulls her hand away. “Nice to meet you.”

Emily beams and Beca really wants to get as far away from this interaction as possible.  

“We can get to know each other better later. Right now…” Beca uses her head to gesture across the yard where she can see a few of the Bellas bouncing up and down. “Let’s go catch up with everyone else.”

“Oh!” Emily nods rapidly and Beca thinks she looks like a battery operated bobble-head. “Yeah, definitely! Let’s go!”

Beca nods once before taking a shot and refilling her cup as Emily follows her into the crowd.

-----

“Beca!” Amy is the first person she encounters.

Of course.

She is immediately picked up and twirled around by the blonde. “Where have you been? Oh my god! Have you gotten taller? No! That’s not possible!”

“Amy!” Beca kicks her legs and starts to protest the manhandling but she sees a flash of red hair as she’s being spun around and the words die on her lips.

She starts laughing because jesus christ. It’s been a long day and it feels like she’s been waiting to see that red hair for way too long now. She presses on Amy’s shoulders and frantically wrestles herself out of the tight grip, almost toppling them both over in the process. Amy strings together a few choice expletives and she can hear Stacie muttering something inappropriate but it doesn't stop her.

She bounces right up to her best friend with a smile so wide she thinks her head might explode. “Chlo!”

Chloe’s head whips around and when her eyes land on Beca, her face actually does explode into a display of pure joy. She reaches out and grabs Beca, hooking her arm firmly around the shorter woman’s shoulders to drag her in close.

Chloe's laugh echoes in Beca’s ear and Beca can’t stop her smile from growing impossibly wider as she wraps her arms around the redhead’s waist as best as she can and squeezes back. The scent of fresh laundry and liquor invades her senses and it’s all a little overwhelming but it feels good and she can't help but sink further into it. She lets her body sway back and forth with Chloe's as she breathes her in. Exhilaration and borderline manic happiness taking over in the moment.

“Beca!” Chloe pulls back but keeps her arm firmly around Beca’s shoulder. “Where did you come from!? Where have you been!?” Chloe’s mouth is wide open and the way her eyes are bubbling with excitement reminds Beca of a shaken soda bottle. The look is scary powerful and Beca can’t find it in herself to formulate a response so she just laughs like crazy and brings her cup up from around Chloe's waist to clink it to redhead’s before taking another sip.

Chloe’s eyes stay trained on her as she downs the drink and it makes Beca feel like a shot of Red Bull has been directly injected into her veins. It travels through her entire body with lightning speed and everything inside of her buzzes to life.  She crushes the cup in her hand as she continues to drink, eventually cracking it. Remnants of the liquid leak down her arm but she keeps chugging. The atmosphere and the energy of the party has her head spinning and she just wants to let loose. Have fun.

She’s buying time too. Chloe’s presence is taking her to another level of excitement and she doesn’t know how to quite contain it at the moment. It feels like the cup is the only thing anchoring her to sanity at the moment.  

“Beca!” Chloe swats the crushed cup straight out of Beca’s hand, the last few drops splashing out when it hits the ground and Beca’s eyes widen but she doesn’t move. Her arm stays frozen in the air, invisible cup still in hand. Mouth still open.

And Chloe smiles.

It’s that mischievous, self-satisfied smile. The same one she used after their shower duet so many years ago.

Beca won't forget that look.  It makes her shiver but she smiles back, hand coming back down to squeeze Chloe around the middle again. "You're going to get into trouble tonight." Beca tuts, pretending to be put-off, "I can feel it."

Chloe nods enthusiastically, apparently thrilled by the notion, and moves both hands to Beca's shoulders. It brings the two of them face-to-face and she leans in to speak directly into Beca’s ear. "And you are already in trouble for getting here so late."

Beca’s chest tightens as Chloe pulls back to lock eyes but she keeps herself together. "Is that right?"

"Mhmm." Chloe is still nodding, all breezy happiness and cool confidence.  

"Well," Beca shrugs, doing her best to appear nonchalant, "what are you gonna do about it?"

Chloe drapes her arms further around Beca’s shoulders, big blinking eyes boring into Beca, “I’m going to dance with you."

Beca’s hands involuntarily squeeze the redhead tighter, fingers eventually pressing into Chloe hard enough that she’s afraid she might leave a mark. She panics momentarily, not wanting to hurt her best friend, but then Chloe’s laugh cuts through the party noise and the redhead is dragging her through a crowd of people back towards familiar faces that instantly start shouting when they see the duo approaching.

“Beca!”

“Chloe!”

“Bloe!”

“What’s up bitches?!”

“Where were you guys!?”

Beca dodges Amy’s swinging arms as Chloe continues to pull her into the circle of Bellas but all of her ducking and dodging distracts her right into Stacie’s waiting hands.

“DJ!” Stacie shouts, squishing Beca’s cheeks and before Beca can react, Stacie starts moving in with puckered lips. There’s nothing Beca can do because one of her hands is still wrapped up in Chloe’s and the other is no match for Stacie’s strength so she braces for the onslaught coming her way, eyes shut and lips sucked in.

But it never comes.

Instead of sloppy Stacie kisses, Beca feels herself being pulled out of the taller woman’s grasp. She sees a flash of red and green and her favorite smile and she lets herself collide with the person reining her in. Hands squish her cheeks again but this time, she doesn’t even consider trying to fight them off. Instead, she wraps her arms around Chloe and returns the smile, letting everything around her disappear because Chloe leans in and peppers her face with kisses that match the beat of the song and the thump of her heart.

It makes Beca feel giddy.

Goofy.

Like she’s already had too much to drink but she knows that can’t be.

And really, in the moment, Beca honestly doesn't care what the reason is.

What the feeling is.

All she knows is that Chloe is here and everything feels perfect so she grabs on tighter and pulls Chloe in closer. Squeezing and laughing like a crazy person.

"You're insane! You know that, right?!" She's borderline shouting to be heard over the music.

Chloe pulls back just long enough to look directly at Beca. Eyes dancing and hands squeezing Beca's shoulders tightly. She mutters a quick, "mhmm" and leans in again, bright blue eyes crossing briefly as they come nose-to-nose.

It makes Beca chuckle.

"I know." Chloe mumbles the words and kisses the tip of Beca's nose.

Beca takes a deep breath and lets the tingling feeling take over as the beat drops and she falls into step with Chloe.

[theoreticalmindgames]

puppies & questions - a klance oneshot

klance buzzfeed puppy interview AU :)

So a @lancemcclain wrote this AU and I just kinda took it and ran so thanks for the cute idea and enjoy! 

~

Keith usually didn’t do filming stuff. He was used to sitting at his desk and editing all day. Meeting with different video groups. Editing some more per their wishes and requests. But Shiro asked him for some help with filming a puppy interview, and even though Keith never really liked it when Shiro asked him favors because there was usually a ‘but’ or a ‘and also’ attached to it later-he wasn’t immune to the charm and adorableness of puppies. 

So Keith sat behind the camera on a very comfy stool while Shiro chatted with the human shelter volunteers. A playpen had been set up in the corner, the pee pad all crumpled from the puppies frolicking throughout the pen, trying to say hi to everyone walking by. 

“So who’s coming in today?” 

Shiro had walked over, now holding a coffee and a bagel from Adam who stopped by during his lunch break at the nearby university. 

“Oh, It’s Lance McClain.” He said nonchalantly as if he was not one of the most popular celebrities at the current moment. As if he wasn’t seriously attractive. As if Keith didn’t have a mild crush on said celebrity. 

“Oh, okay.” Was all he could manage, as he turned back to the camera and began to fiddle with the settings, only to have Shiro fix it right after him with a quiet huff. 

A few minutes later the door opened and a tall woman with her hair drawn back in a large white ponytail glided in, followed by a casual looking Lance McClain. Keith swallowed, and stood up, then sat back down because was he supposed to say hi? Or just sit there? 

Shiro walked up and gave him a handshake, Lance McClain smiling back with an impossibly bright smile with impossibly straight teeth. They exchanged words but Keith was too busy staring at the way his bomber jacket stretched across his shoulder. But then Shiro was walking towards him gesturing and talking and then Keith was looking Lance McClain in the eye probably looking like a doe-eyed idiot. 

“Hi, I’m Lance,” He said, extending a hand which Keith took. It was strange hearing him say his own name. Like they could have been meeting at a coffee shop. 

Keith’s vision came out of tunnel mode when he heard Shiro. 

“-eah so Keith is gonna be doing most of the interview stuff, and I’m just here to make sure no one dies.” 

“What?” Keith looked at Shiro, who gave him a grin. A grin that said “have fun with this really attractive celebrity play with puppies while you get to sit there and watch.” 

Lance laughed at Shiro’s comment. “I am very ready to cuddle every puppy in this place so let’s bring it on.” He flashed that perfect smile again, and Keith noticed a dimple form in the left corner of his lips. 

Keith resituated himself behind the camera and turned on the camera. “Um, you can just sit on the green ex on the ground.” Keith pointed, and Lance smiled at him, lingering, before going to sit. The volunteers brought over the puppies and Lance’s grin grew as they attacked him in a playful herd. 

One immediately went for the jar of questions and began to eat the small slips of paper. 

“Oh geez,” Lance giggled, pulling the puppy away, and Keith swore his heart imploded from the sound of Lance giggling. 

“Okay-” Keith cleared his throat, as a very fluffy puppy settled itself in Lance's criss-crossed legs and fell asleep. “So um, just choose questions from the jar- oh gosh-” 

The same culprit had found his way back to the jar and was batting it around. 

Lance laughed again, scooping up the puppy in his arms. “Maybe this will work better if you ask the questions. I think I’d like that better. Interviewing myself is kinda weird anyway.” 

Keith blinked at him, before getting up and crouching to grab the jar, which was slightly wet from slobber. “Uh, yeah, that works. Yeah.” 

“Sweet.” Lance smiled at his quick before his attention was taken by two puppies starting up a tussle on his legs. 

“Okay, so the first question-”

“Wait, I- Sorry, I can’t see you behind that huge camera.” Lance chuckled, peering to the side, the two fighting puppies now hoisted under his armpits. 

He wanted to see Keith? As in look at him? Oh god he just realized that he was literally wearing joggers and a t-shirt from his dirty laundry bin. Okay, no time to panic now just do the damn interview and this will all be finished soon. So Keith scooted the stool to the side, the jar of questions sitting in his lap, and his shoulders hunched. 

“Much better.” Lance nodded in approval, a smirk threatening to appear. 

Keith nodded back, trying to not look Lance in the eye because wow they were really nice and blue. “Okay, first question. If you could go back in time and play any role in any movie, who would you play.” 

Lance gave one of the puppies a quick kiss on the head before answering. “Okay, this is easy- definitely Jack from Titanic.”

Keith hated that he smiled. “Okay, next-who has been one of your favorite costars to work with?”

Lance pondered for a moment, drumming his fingers on one of the puppies’ back, while another knawed on his wrist. “Probably Gina Rodriguez- she is just super fun and lighthearted and we have the same like, goofy sense of humor which was super cool.” 

Keith nodded, listening intently because here he was, just chatting with Lance McClain. 

“So you’ve been in a mix of lighthearted and serious films- which genre do you prefer to act in?”

Lance looked at Keith as he asked him the question, before scooping up a runaway pup, and holding her close. “Um, well the comedies I’ve been in are always super fun and I think that’s the most like, enjoyable? But I also like the chance to kind of switch roles and play some more serious parts- and it’s the serious movies that get to tell deeper and more personal stories, which I really like as well. So both.” He smiled like he had broken the rules and Keith found in unfairly cute. “Are you a comedy movie kinda person?”

Keith almost missed the question that was fired back at him because- well this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, right? He figured it wouldn't hurt to answer it real quick though. He didn’t want to be rude or anything. 

“Um, not really? I mean I like some comedy shows but not really movies.” 

“Nice,” Lance nodded, holding a puppy up to his face and letting it lick his nose. 

Keith continued with the questions, and almost every time, Lance would ask him one in return. And it wasn’t like- it wasn’t like he was just doing it to maintain some kind of image. He seemed genuinely interested, which is what threw Keith off the most. 

“Ghosts are not real,” Keith scoffed. The jar of questions had been finished and they had just been going back and forth for the past ten minutes asking each other things. Their conversation flowed easily and Keith felt like he could talk to Lance for hours without getting tired. 

“Um, ghosts are too real and I’ve seen one.” Lance puffed his chest out, holding a puppy protectively like Keith had offended the dog as well. 

“You’ve seen a ghost?”

“Yes! At my grandmother's house. Her house is like a million years olf so it had like a hundred ghosts in it.” 

Keith snickered at his exaggerations and covered his mouth when a tiny snort escaped. “Oh my god.” He breathed. 

Lance laughed loudly, his body tipping from front to back with laughter. “You-you have a cute laugh.” He said as his giggles calmed down. 

Keith shook his head, feeling his cheeks get warm. “Anyone who snorts does not have a cute laugh.” But all Keith could hear in his head was cute cute cute cute cute he called me cute. 

“Well I like your laugh,” Lance said quietly, looking at Keith through his lashes like some kind of- well some kind heartthrob movie star. 

The sound of clicking heels interrupted the moment as Lance’s manager walked over with Shiro. 

“Alright Lance, we’ve got to head out soon if we’re gonna make it to your next interview.” 

Lance pouted, his lip jutting out as he gave each of the puppies a kiss and a hug before letting the volunteers take them away. 

Keith turned off the camera, glaring at Shiro's shit-eating grin as he took over packing up the camera gear. Lance stood up and straightened out his clothes and walked up to Keith who was lingering near the set. 

“Thanks for the interview, it was really fun.” Lance smiled warmly, stepping close to Keith. He could smell his cologne, fresh and beachy. 

“Yeah, it was - it was nice.” Keith smiled, shoving his hands in his pocket. 

“Um, I was wondering- well I don’t know um-” 

Lance fidgeted with his hands, and Keith smiled at the nervous boy in front of him. 

“Yeah?” Keith urged him on. 

“Um, well I wanted to exchange numbers and see if we could hang out. Sometime. Whenever.”

Keith let out a breath, and he was pretty sure Lance could hear it, but he didn’t care as he slipped his phone from his pocket- unlocking it and handing it to Lance. 

“I like your lockscreen,” Lance said as he handed Keith his phone back. “I like space too.”

“Yeah, yeah it’s cool.” Keith bit his lip, peeking down at his galaxy background, still having a hard time believing that Lance had just put his phone number in his phone. 

“So, text me and we’ll grab coffee or lunch or something.” Lance looked at him with those bright eyes and that bright smile and Keith, for a moment was convinced that this wasn’t a real thing. But then Lance was coming in a for a hug and Keith leaned in with a little more force then he meant. But Lance delivered with a similar enthusiasm and his hands spanned across his back, and Keith got an even better whiff of whatever kind of scent Lance was wearing and it was so clean and calming Keith felt like he could fall asleep right here. 

When they pulled away, Lance’s cheeks were pink and Keith was pretty sure his were as well. 

“I’ll text you,” Keith said. 

Lance's face broke open into a grin. “Okay. Okay cool.” 

Keith clutched his phone to his chest and let out a sigh, just to make sure he was still breathing. 

~

Lance texted like a maniac and Keith kinda loved it. 

OH MY GOSH KEITH 

I just saw the ugliest bigfoot statue 

It kinda looked like you 

Just kiddingggg

But you would have loved it 

Keith snickered as his Mac pinged with every text.

 Lance i’m trying to work here 

I know which is why I’m giving you a much deserved break 

But if i’m bothering you i can scooch outta here 

You’re fine Lance 

Thank you for the entertainment 

Okay sweet :))))))

~

They got coffee at a place tucked away in the city, and only two people came up to ask for a picture. They talked for three hours, both ordering seconds, and then thirds of their respective drinks. Lance, a medium latte with vanilla and cinnamon. Keith, a London Fog. With every new topic they discussed, every giggle Lance let out, Keith liked him even more. He saw how human and how real and raw Lance was. He made Keith feel comfortable and welcome and valued. He would listen and respond with intent and it made Keith feel things that he wasn’t sure what they were. 

At the end of their coffee date- “Can I call it a date?” Lance had asked and Keith had said yes- they walked out of the building and Lance whisked Keith into a nearby alcove to kiss him gently. It was so soft and delicate that Keith was pretty sure he was gonna melt on the spot and disappear into the drain. But he let himself indulge and wrapped his arms around Lance’s back, while long brown fingers cradled his jaw. 

When they pulled away Keith was breathing heavy, despite the lack of tongue. Oh god, did he want to know what that felt like. 

“I’ll text you.” Lance said, pressing a last quick kiss to Keith’s cheek before getting into the black SUV across the street. 

Five seconds later his phone buzzed. 

U are very cute and i wanna kiss you a lot now so when can i see you next ?

Keith rolled his eyes and bit his rising grin as he opened up his calendar app. 

            the end :) 

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Supercorp Artist AU

Kara Danvers is something of a local celebrity artist in Midvale. Every street fair she can be found drumming up interest in the arts by taking improv requests from the crowd and drawing each idea on the spot, from memory.

Most are goofy: lazy dogs with lolling tongues begging for belly rubs, a little girl with a bubble of gum exploding across her cheeks, cartoon ducklings splashing happily in hyper realistic puddles. All the while, she explains the color choices she makes, reducing her figures to their basic shapes, the concept of scale.

She also puts in shifts at the face painting station, drawing long lines so they can receive whatever ornate design she'll bestow on their cheeks. All of them are clever and fantastical-- fire engines turned to water dragons, pandas with bamboo pompoms cheering on their wearer, tigerish housecats prowling jungles of books.

But she also takes time for larger projects. Each festival, she can be found in front a wall of canvas, painting whatever strikes her fancy as crowds gather to watch for ten, twenty minutes before wandering off in search of candy apples and funnel cake.

During one such festival, a photographer from out of town is prowling the cordoned off streets, snapping photos to capture the charm of small town americana. They pause at Kara's wall of canvas, and... don't leave. They stare, captivated, as Kara swirls colors together in amorphous shapes that don't resemble anything at all but somehow convey... comfort.

The photographer snaps just one more photo: Kara, oblivious to the world around her as she focuses on the world of color blossoming in front of her. They longer a little longer, hoping to speak with her, but Kara doesn't look up from her work for hours more, long after the festival closes down.

A few days later, the town paper is delivered to Kara's doorstep. A picture of her graces the front page, but one unlike any she's seen before. Haloed by the lights of the festival behind her, Kara's profile was captured in a moment of utter concentration. The crowd at the edges of the image were hazy, but Kara was in perfect focus.

The photograph is breathtaking. A balance of color and proportion that draws the eye to her frozen image. What catches Kara's focus the most, though, is her own smile. It speaks of some hidden knowledge, of happiness. She can't recall what she might have been thinking about-- all she remembers of that session is being entirely in the zone.

The credit at the bottom of the image lists the photographer's name.

Lena Luthor.

It's not long before Kara's agent calls her.

"I've got a buyer for your festival painting," James tells her, the sound of his smile plain even over the phone.

"You know I don't sell those, James."

She donates them around Midvale, as a thank you to libraries, cafes, and schools.

"I know, but you were already not sure where this one would be going." It's true. She's already running out of new recipients around town. "And trust me, what the buyer is offering is worth breaking tradition."

He tells her a figure, and Kara nearly chokes on her coffee. "Are they insane? It's not worth that much! I did it for FUN--"

"A painting is worth what someone is willing to pay. And that was only their first offer. I could probably broker more..."

"Who is it?"

James makes a hesitant noise. "The client wants to remain anonymous. I've only spoken with an intermediary."

Kara scrubs a hand over her face. She can hardly wrap her brain around it.

"Youve been saying you want to grow for a while now. What do you say to taking that first step?"

She sighs. Midvale is comfortable. Her work is beloved, even the stuff she doesn't like. A precipice looms under her feet, and far below her small fish is about to leap into a large pond.

"Yeah, okay."

"Great! I'll make it happen. How soon can it be ready for transport?"

"As soon as they want." For that kind of money, she'll deliver it herself.

---

The painting is shipped that day, and so begins a whirlwind of notoriety. The picture in the Midvale Chronicle spreads to the county times, and then to the internet as word of her painting's fate spreads.

Galleries all along the coast invite her to show more pieces, and private collectors reach out in droves. Other artists start sending her invitations to art shows of their own, and suddenly she has connections and contacts across the country.

People want to know her.

It blows her mind, but she loves it. She loves it so much that she moves to National City and open the private studio she's always wanted. Barely a week after arriving, she receives yet another invition to a gallery opening, this time for a local photographer. She almost tosses it before she catches sight of the artist's name.

Lena Luthor.

Kara makes James come with her as backup. She doesn't know any photographers, and anxiously worries that her invitation had simply been a mistake. But when they arrive, the other guests smile at her like they've already met, nodding in greeting as Kara tries to scope out which one of them could be Lena.

She finds herself before she finds her host.

That is, on the wall under a warm focus of light, she finds the same photo of her that had run in the gazette. Again, she's captivated by her own face, somehow even more beguiling in a gallery full of other, equally breathtaking art.

"Can I tell you a secret?"

The unexpected voice beside her makes Kara jump. She turns to find a tall woman in a patchwork velour dinner jacket and wide rimmed glasses.

"This one's my favorite."

There's something about the way one hand is tucked into the pocket of her trousers, and the sharp study in greens eyes that sparkle in a smile, that clues Kara in.

"You're Lena."

Ruby lips spread into a smile. "Guilty." She extends a hand in greeting. "Thank you for coming. I was hoping to meet you."

"L-likewise," Kara stumbles, struggling to maintain her composure and not focus on the heat of Lena's palm in hers. "Wow. Y-your work is amazing."

"Thank you."

"This photo launched my career," she blurts. "And the rest... just, wow."

It's true. There are pictures from all across the country. Some are pastorals, but more feature the people that populate the towns she visited. Twin girls busting a gut laughing over a dripping ice cream cone-- a farmer's face in zoom, weathered and creased by life-- a woman alone on a bus bench, tears in her eyes. On and on and on Kara sees life captured in plain honesty.

"That's kind of you to say," Lena says.

"No, I mean it! It's amazing! I mean, when I paint like that," she gestures towards the photo, "it's because I don't see what I want to, so I have to make it. But you... its like you see the beauty that's already in the world."

Lena looks at her in warm regard, her smile turning quiet.

Only then does Kara realize that their hands are still joined together. "Oh! Sorry."

"I didn't mind," Lena returns smoothly.

Kara's heart pounds furiously. Before she can think of something else to say, a suited man sidles up to Lena and speaks low in her ear. She watches Lena nod, before turning to face Kara directly.

She's not wearing a shirt. The lapels of her jacket plunge downward to meet just below her ribs, framing another work of art in the form of pale skin and gently curving cleavage.

"Mingling duties call," Lena tells her, apology in her voice. "It was lovely speaking with you."

Kara nods dumbly.

"Please enjoy the champagne. It was very expensive."

From anyone else the comment might have seemed pretentious, but the devilish smile that comes with it has Kara laughing.

"Sure thing. I'll take care of those potstickers too."

She keeps an eye out as the night progresses, but she never gets a chance to speak with Lena again. She makes some new friends though, and regales them all about which stall to get the best popcorn balls from at the Midvale Festival, and how they'd need to stop by Buzzed and Toasted for the best cocoa and cupcakes on their way out of town.

Exhaustion drags her home before she can catch Lena's eye again. Disappointment stains the thrill of their meeting, and she spends the next morning picking apart the few words they'd shared for where she'd gone wrong.

When her phone buzzes, she's distracted enough not to notice that the caller is an unsaved number.

"'Lo?"

"Is this Kara Danvers?"

"Um... yeah?"

"This is Lena Luthor."

Kara jolts, banging her hip against the corner of her kitchen table. "Oh! Hi! Hi. How are you?"

"To be honest, I'm a little disappointed we didn't get the chance to continue our conversation last night."

A flush heats Kara's cheeks as she nervously adjusts her glasses. "To be honest... I was just thinking the same thing." She pauses. "Wait, how did you get my number? I mean, I'm glad you did, don't get me wrong, but how?"

"Mr. Olsen left your card with my assistant last night."

James is getting a bonus. Immediately.

"So, I was wondering," Lena continues, "would you be at all interested in joining me for dinner at my place tonight?"

"Wuh-- yes! I definitely would be interested in doing that."

She can practically hear Lena's smile. "Great. How does seven sound? I can text my address to this number?"

"Yeah. It's my cell. Seven sounds great."

She'll have to pre-game a snack in order to make it that long til dinner, but she can do it.

"I'll see you then, then."

"Looking forward to it."

She barely manages to end the call before her knees go weak and she slithers to the ground to lay in a pathetic heap.

"What is my life right now?"

----

The address Lena sends leads her to an upscale neighborhood near the wharf. Color lurks behind every corner: graffitied on the sides of buildings and traced onto shop windows and adorning every bus stop overhang.

Kara knows why James hadn't directed her to this area when she'd been scoping out apartments-- even with her recent windfall, she couldn't afford a place here long term. She half expects a doorman when she approaches Lena's building, but all she finds is a normal callbox.

She's buzzed in immediately and one short elevator ride up deposits her into a short hallway left artfully unfinished with polished concrete floors and exposed lighting.

Lena's loft is little different, but the industrial feel works with the high ceilings and simple floor plan. Art exists everywhere Kara as she steps inside: sculptures and beautifully blown vases, and art hangs on every wall.

Including one very familiar piece.

"You're the anonymous buyer!"

Lena looks not at all embarrassed. "I fell in love with it that night in Midvale. It makes me feel."

"Feel what?"

"Depends on the day." Lena tilts her head towards the kitchen, where tantalyzing aromas brew with promise. "Shall we?"

Pasta and wine occupies them for one hour, then two. Over chocolate cake they talk for hours more, about everything and nothing. Lena is smart, and funny, quick to smile and wildly disarming when her eyes soften halfway through their second bottle of wine, focusing on Kara like she's suddenly the only art that exists.

"You intrigue me, Kara Danvers," she says as the clock nears midnight.

Kara holds her gaze, emboldened by the wine humming in her veons. "Can I kiss you?"

"You're welcome to do more than that."

Their lips meet in a tangle of wine and chocolate frosting, and the rest of the world falls away. Kara doesn't leave until morning.

[acidblackpirate]

A Bad Commencement 1

Hey, we didn’t do this in a while: Single chapters that only get updated every 100 years, please look forward to it :D

The party was pretty boring and far too loud.

Hyde couldn't recall the last time he had enjoyed himself at an event like this. Probably he never had. A thin layer of loneliness kept sticking to his skin whenever he was surrounded by a crowd.

Moreover, his manager was circling him like a mosquito right now, desperate to suck his blood.

“I know, I know”, he repeated for what felt like the hundredth time and scanned the room.

All the established musicians were having a go at the free drinks, while all the young musicians were trying to shake the right hands. Hyde felt far too old to be kept away from the alcohol, but his manager did not agree.

He was nervous and Hyde could make out a few drops of sweat on his temple.

The room felt overheated and sticky indeed, but he was less stressed out about his own career, or maybe just too tired to bother at all.

“Making contacts is even more important now that you just started out solo”, his manager reminded him and Hyde tried hard not to roll his eyes.

He had heard all of this over and over again, and he was sick of it, sick of the words that seemed to fill his stomach with a heavy ache. For some naïve reason he had hoped that going solo would be more peaceful, more silent, but he had been gravely mistaken.

“For the marketing campaign it would be just great if you could do collaborations with other artists, so please play nice today. One company approached me already. One of their vocalists seems to be a big fan of you and you are supposed to meet him tonight. Their band is quite popular, their name is Janne Da Arc, maybe you've heard of them. They'd be doing us a big favour, so you better make sure to get along with this guy, whatever it takes.”

“I know, I know”, Hyde said again, but he wasn't really listening.

Collaborations, just what he was looking for. As if had tried to get away from the band structure just to fight over his ideas with strangers instead. Couldn't they just leave him alone?

Once more his eyes trailed over the people standing around awkwardly, forcing conversations on each other. The thought that soon they might start forcing conversations on him as well horrified Hyde deeply.

Parties to make connections were plain awful. He remembered when parties were still about getting laid. It had also been painfully boring most of the time, but the outcome was undeniable more rewarding.

Quietly he sighed.

Getting laid was so much harder now than it used to be. Instead of making it easier the fame made it even harder to pick someone up. You couldn't do it with fans, because of the image. You couldn't do it with colleagues, because of the connections. Stupid connections.

“Hyde, are you even listening?”, his manager hissed and he nodded, although of course he wasn't.

His gaze had just caught something very surprising. This was a high-class event, only people with a lot of influence, a lot of money, or both would manage to get invited. Security guards were lining the doors to make sure that overly ambitious fans stayed away tonight.

Nonetheless the boy was there.

His light hair was barely falling down to his chin, and he was dressed from head to toe in merchandise. Hyde could identify a L'arc-en-ciel shirt from their latest tour and a towel wrapped around his shoulders, that – judged from the distance – had to be at least three years old. Moreover the young man was clenching something to his chest that might have been a set of postcards.

Maybe he was hoping for an autograph.

Hyde took in his slim waist and his rather long legs and the way he moved his hips.

He was feeling generous tonight.

Maybe his chances for an autograph weren't that bad at all.

“Excuse me”, he turned to his manager, who still hadn't stopped talking about all the things that Hyde should keep in mind and that he had already forgotten about. “I think I'll try to be charming now.”

The man seemed relieved by that promise, because Hyde wasn't actually known for being charming. He was polite of course, and people usually agreed that his smile looked pretty, but he was not very good at making himself likeable. He kept to himself too often, did not talk enough, and sometimes his mind would just drift off in the middle of a conversation.

Hyde just got bored very easily.

Now he made his way through the chatting people, his eyes set on the fanboy who had drawn his attention earlier.

“Looking for something?”, he asked when he finally got into hearing distance.

The guy flinched and then turned towards Hyde with a slightly blank expression.

He knew this kind of face very well, fans often displayed it when trying to contain their excitement.

“Oh my goodness”, he exhaled. “Hyde, it's you.”

Hyde smirked and bowed his head mockingly.

Up close the boy made him feel even more generous.

He seemed to be a couple of years younger than himself, and his cheeks still looked a little chubby as if he had left behind puberty only recently. But he had beautiful, dark eyes with heavy eyelids, and his lips shone somehow pink as if he was wearing lipstick although obviously he wasn't.

A spark of interest flared up at the back of Hyde's mind, which was extraordinary to begin with. Lately, he did not feel a lot of interest for anyone.

“Yes, it's me”, he admitted. “And who are you?”

For a moment his pretty fan just stared at him as if he had forgotten anything he had to say. Hyde was familiar with this phenomenon as well.

“Eh, yasu”, he finally stuttered. “My name is yasu, nice to meet you. I really hoped I would see you tonight, I'm a big fan of yours.”

Hyde looked down on the merch collection he was wearing.

“You don't say”, he mumbled dryly. “But it's nice to meet you, too, yasu.”

Still, he wondered how he had passed by the guards at the door. Maybe he knew someone, who knew someone. The nephew of the friend of some manager maybe. He didn't care enough to ask.

“I noticed you from across the room”, Hyde added.

It was so much easier to be brave with fans, because you already knew that they liked you for sure. The chances that yasu would be taken aback by his advances were close to zero.

“You looked so pretty that I wondered if you would join me for a drink.”

Without turning his face away yasu had still managed to avoid his eyes so far, but now he was looking at him straight ahead.

His eyes weren't only dark, they were also slightly cheeky. Hyde caught himself thinking that he had friendly eyes, the kind of eyes you wanted to take out on a proper date. Carelessly he brushed the thought aside.

“Okay”, yasu agreed. “But drinks are on me.”

For a second Hyde hesitated, not sure if he might be joking.

“Drinks are for free”, he pointed out.

“I know”, yasu winked; his shyness had faded fast, almost immediately to be replaced by a sort of goofy self-confidence. “That's why I can afford to get you drunk. So better watch out.”

Hyde had not expected that anyone would make him laugh tonight, so his own chuckle caught him by surprise.

“You are shameless”, he exclaimed, scandalized and flattered by the open way yasu was flirting with him.

The brunette shrugged.

“And that's when I'm still sober”, he grinned, and turned around to stroll over to the small bar where a waiter was handing out drinks.

Hyde followed him in fascination. Yasu wasn't the usual guy you met at parties like this. As far as he could tell yasu wasn't the usual anything.

To keep it simple they ordered two beers.

Originally, Hyde had planned to get totally wasted tonight, but after meeting his new acquaintance he had changed his mind. There was something ahead that promised to be even more fun than free alcohol.

He took a sip from the cold bottle and eyed his fanboy curiously.

Yasu had an air about him that was nervous and carefree at the same time and Hyde found it hard to determine if he was feeling comfortable in his presence or not.

“I should probably thank you for your support”, he nodded towards the merchandise yasu was wearing.

“You could thank me with an autograph”, yasu suggested and now held out the cards he was still clenching in his left hand.

Hyde had guessed right. It was a set of postcards indeed. His own face stared back at him from the very top one. He didn't like it much. It looked cold and strangely far away.

“Sure”, he agreed nonetheless and felt his pockets. “But I'm afraid I don't have a pen on me.”

“Wait”, yasu held up his hand and fumbled with a small bag he was carrying.

Finally he handed a black pen over to the vocalist, which Hyde took with a slight smirk.

“You really thought of everything, didn't you?”, he observed.

“I always make sure to prepare myself properly”, yasu confirmed. “You can save yourself a lot of pain with that.”

Hyde looked up from the card he was supposed to sign, scanning yasu's expression shortly to tell what he meant by that. He kept a straight face, but his lips gave him away. They twitched slightly while he was holding back a laugh.

Yasu was a very likeable guy, he decided.

He also decided that he wanted him, even if it was the wrong thing to think about. Hyde didn't care that he was a fan and he didn't care that he would probably never see him again after tonight.

“Here”, he put his name on the picture of himself, but yasu didn't take it back immediately.

“Will you add your number to that name, if I promise to send nudes?”, he joked.

Again the laughter hit Hyde without warning.

He couldn't recall the last time someone had made him laugh twice in a row.

“I might, if you let me take off the clothes myself”, he returned.

Somehow yasu's easy-going attitude made him feel relaxed and smiling did not feel difficult for a change.

The other man did not reply to that but put his own beer to his lips instead.

He had beautiful lips and the way his Adam's apple bounced as he swallowed made Hyde slightly dizzy.

“Tell me about yourself, yasu”, he asked, hoping that his lack of honest interest wouldn't show too clearly.

Truth was he didn't care much for yasu's life, didn't care for his hobbies, his friends or even his taste in music. He cared for his soft lips and the veins showing on the back of his hand holding the beer. But it wasn't the kind of thing you said out loud.

“Oh, there is nothing much to tell”, yasu brushed it off. “There's the band of course, and someday I hope to become as cool as you. I'm kinky as fuck, and although I moved to Tokyo quite a while ago, I'm still missing home. Also, I strongly dislike liquorice and clear vodka.”

For a moment Hyde just stared at him, trying to order those pretty random facts in his head. He wasn't quite sure on which of them to focus without running the risk of things getting awkward.

“I don't like liquorice much, either”, he stated lamely, surprised that yasu granted him with a wide smile in return.

“Damn, if our zodiac signs match as well, we should start to chime the wedding bells”, he joked and caused Hyde to chuckle again.

He really wished he wouldn't find him so extremely charming, it would only make it much harder to walk away at the end of the night.

“And in your band? You're the vocalist as well?”, he guessed.

The fact that he played in a band did not surprise him much. A lot of fans tried to imitate their idols, but few of them ever succeeded. He had to be careful about displaying interest in his music, it often led to handing over demo-tapes and lots of disappointment.

“Yeah”, yasu nodded, but he did not seem keen on dwelling on the topic either.

“You have a good voice”, Hyde added anyway, because he knew that compliments always improved your chances for casual sex.

It wasn't even a lie. Yasu had a striking voice, sweet and full, and very unique.

“Thanks”, yasu smiled shortly, and somewhere next to them a group of musicians started to laugh.

They were all very young and laughed very aggressively, so the person who had made the joke was most likely old, important and not funny at all.

Without meaning to Hyde rolled his eyes and caught yasu's gaze, who looked almost equally annoyed.

“Want to go somewhere else? Where it's quieter and we can talk?”, he offered, and felt a bit guilty about the way yasu beamed at him.

Of course he had not the slightest intention of talking, the timing for the excuse had just been perfect.

“I would love to”, the young man admitted, and allowed Hyde to lead the way, leaving the loud voices and false laughter behind them for good.

Aside from the bathroom there was only one other room away from the party.

Hyde pushed open the door to the small cloak room next to the main entrance, where a security guard in black clothing stood and looked the other way professionally.

“This is...ehm, not quite what I expected”, yasu confessed, and laughed nervously, looking around in the small space.

The room had obviously only made it cloak room, because it was too small to become anything else.

There was a wooden desk and two rows of coat hooks, filled with some jackets but not too many, because the air outside was still warm and summer wasn't quite over yet.

Yasu was now leaning against the desk on which he had also placed his bottle of beer, and touched the tips of his hair jumpily.

Hyde could tell that he was feeling uncomfortable and obviously wished they had gone somewhere else.

“Could we maybe switch on the lights? It's pretty dim in here”, yasu begged, and his voice got a little higher at the end of the sentence.

The room was dim indeed, too dim for two strangers to just casually hang out, Hyde had to admit. But still it was bright enough to see each other clearly.

“I'm sorry, I know it's not a very nice place”, he agreed. “But I can't leave the party just yet. My manager will kill me, if I don't talk to some other people before going home. But I really don't want to talk to them now. They are boring and annoy me every time. I want to talk to you, because you are charming and interesting, yasu. So, please, excuse the fact that we are hiding out in a shabby room like this, but I'm rather here with you than out there with a bunch of idiots.”

He could see yasu soften immediately. His shoulders slumped down a bit and his whole body seemed less tense all of a sudden.

Hyde felt a little bad for not saying the truth, although he hadn't really told a lie either.

He preferred being here with yasu right now to pretty much all the alternatives, but he could not be sure if the other man really was charming and interesting, and most of all he really didn't want to talk to him to find out.

“You are very nice”, yasu smiled, and immediately Hyde wished that he really were.

Because he knew that he had not the slightest intention of considering yasu's feelings in this. He would promise him the skies and the stars tonight, but he would not call him. Ever.

“Just because I want you to like me”, he winked, because at least that was true, even if yasu would misunderstand it completely.

“I thought you might be arrogant, or cold because you think I'm just a stupid fan. But you're really nice, Hyde. Thank you for that. It makes me so unbelievable happy that you really want to talk to me, and that you are actually interested in what I have to say.”

Hyde found it hard to look at yasu's beaming face. It was difficult to lie to someone who meant everything they said.

“So, tell me some more about yourself”, he mumbled to drop the topic, and leaned in.

They were standing close to each other already – something else was not even possible in the small room – and he could smell yasu's perfume and sense the warmth of his body.

He kissed his cheek lightly, his lips lingering on his skin for a few seconds like a promise that there was more to come.

“Oh”, yasu exhaled softly, a little shaky and obviously insecure.

After the way he had flirted with him Hyde was a little confused he hadn't seen it coming, but he didn't grand him time to back off.

He placed his forefinger against yasu's chin, forcing him to turn his face towards him with light pressure.

This time he went for his lips, covering them gently with his own, not rushing things, but parting them slightly to make sure that yasu could taste his breath on his tongue.

Only after pulling back again he stopped for a second, eyeing his counterpart to check for his reaction.

“So, we're having this kind of conversation”, yasu whispered, seemingly still nervous.

Again, he was avoiding Hyde's eyes like when he had first called out to him.

“Only if you don't mind”, Hyde hurried up to assure, and he noticed yasu's full lips forming a smile, although he still wasn't looking at him directly.

“I don't”, he admitted, and Hyde kissed him once more.

It was less hesitant this time, he shoved his tongue into yasu's mouth curiously, exploring his taste and bringing their bodies closer together with a small step.

The brunette's frame felt warm against himself and arousal already made him grow hard.

He broke their kiss for a moment to catch his breath and to make sure yasu was still okay with it.

Fanboys could be difficult. They adored him, and found him attractive, but usually they weren't too experienced with men, which meant they grew scared fast. Yasu had probably sneaked into this party just to meet Hyde and was now eager to please him, but he had to be careful, if he really hoped to take this any farther.

But instead of being insecure, yasu now snatched for his lips again himself. He even reached up to grab Hyde's collar and pull him closer. He forced his lips open and now it was yasu's tongue circling his own playfully and demanding.

He did not kiss him like he wanted to do Hyde a favour as a fan. He kissed him with honest desire.

Letting go of his lips shortly Hyde trailed sloppy kisses over yasu's cheek, until he reached his ear.

Maybe he did not have to be so careful after all.

“I want to fuck your mouth”, he murmured, feeling yasu's body tensing up against him instantly.

“Eh”, the other one hesitated, tilting his head so that his words brushed against Hyde's neck with a warm tingle. “I don't know about that.”

“Hush, you don't have to”, Hyde soothed him. “But it's your own fault for making me want it. Flirting with me like that and looking so absolutely gorgeous.”

Yasu chuckled against him, and he sounded way too happy about his compliment.

Hyde's stomach did an uncomfortable twist at the realization that yasu really liked him. That he really believed in what he was saying.

“Okay then”, he permitted and for a brief second Hyde wished that he would have said no.

Yasu did not deserve to be used like this, but Hyde had made his decision earlier – knowing that it was the wrong one – and now things had gotten out of hand.

So he just smirked:

“Good”

and grabbed yasu's shoulder, pushing him down to the floor quite roughly.

But the younger one did not protest, and got down on his knees in front of him, parting his beautiful, pink lips in expectation.

Hyde hurried to unbutton his pants and get out his dick, that was already properly hard and twitched slightly at the prospect of yasu's inviting mouth.

Before either of them could change their mind he grabbed yasu's hair, pulling him towards himself so he had to close his lips firmly around the head of his erection.

The hot and wet sensation of his mouth drove a loud moan from Hyde as he started to move his hips a bit, now entangling both of his hands in the brunette hair.

“Come on, use your tongue”, he ordered, his voice hoarse and trembling around the edges.

Yasu followed his instructions immediately, using his tongue to lick and circle the tip of Hyde's boner with gentle pressure.

He was looking up to him with dark, clouded eyes, while Hyde kept up with his motions, teasing yasu by retreating and then filling his mouth over and over again.

The strands of his hair were wound around his fingers, making yasu moan around his hot flesh whenever he pulled a little too violently, and the vibration around his dick shivering all the way up his spine.

“I want to go in deeper”, he moaned. “Try to relax, babe.”

With a sudden jerk he pushed his hips forward, holding yasu in position while he sunk into his mouth deeply. His skull felt weirdly fragile beneath his palms and it was easy to keep him steady, although he heard him gag slightly as he hit the back of his throat.

Once more Hyde moaned loudly, not trying to restrain his voice at all.

It didn't matter. He would never see yasu again. He didn't need to hold back.

Severely he thrust into his mouth, going in so far that his balls brushed against his chin.

Yasu had now grabbed for his leg, digging his fingers into Hyde's thigh, obviously trying to steady himself. He was not struggling, although he could still hear him gag under his own, loud moans.

Looking down he could see drool running out of the corner of yasu's mouth, because he couldn't swallow around Hyde's dick. The slick length slid in and out in hypnotizing motions, the lips around it wet and shiny.

Hyde hurried to close his eyes.

He didn't want to feel guilty, he wanted to feel good. He wanted to enjoy this and not think about the way he was using someone who was gorgeous and deserved better than to be on his knees in a shady cloak room.

Angry at himself Hyde's thrusts gained even more impact, he was shoving hard and fast now, his eyes still closed.

He focused only on the sensation, of the heat and wetness, on yasu's tongue and how tightly his throat clenched the head of Hyde's dick. His whole body felt hot and was shivering slightly. It had been so long since the last time someone had made him feel this good.

With a last moan he jerked yasu's hair violently, causing him to exclaim a weird little noise as he spilled himself right into his mouth.

For a moment he just stood still, letting the orgasm wash over himself with heavy relief, spreading lazy warmth through all his limps.

Only then did he pull back and opened his eyes again, looking down on yasu to see him touching his own jaw and neck as if to check that everything was still working.

Immediately he felt sorry for going a little too rough on him, but the younger one managed a shaky smile for him.

“Wow, that was pretty intense”, he stated, his voice hoarse as well, and a little broken as if talking with a sore throat.

“Yeah”, Hyde agreed awkwardly, still a little out of breath, but forcing himself to speak evenly. “Thanks for that.”

A little too hastily he buttoned his pants again, straightening his shirt to make sure he looked as if nothing had happened just now.

This part was the worst. Getting away was the worst.

Yasu got up and the smile on his lips had stopped trembling again.

It looked expectant and scary.

“Okay, I should go back. I already missed the party for long enough”, Hyde announced and turned around fast.

“Hyde, wait”, yasu called out and a firm grip closed around his arm.

Unwillingly Hyde turned around again.

Yasu's eyelids were extremely heavy and his lips were still glistening with drool. He looked horny and beautiful and like Hyde really ought to get out of this room fast.

“What about me?”, he asked, still sounding hoarse and sexy. “You can't turn me on like this and then leave.”

Hyde pulled free with a shrug and opened the door to step outside of the small room into the corridor.

The thought of staying here with yasu – or maybe even going somewhere else, a nice hotel for example – was very alluring, but he knew that it would only lead to trouble. To emotional attachment even, and that was always dangerous, but with a fanboy it was like a deathblow.

“You'll live through it”, he therefore said coldly and stepped outside.

He had not expected yasu to follow immediately, but he was right behind him, looking over to the next room, where Hyde could already see the people laughing and chatting and getting drunk.

“So, we're going back to the party just like that?”, yasu assured, disappointment filling his voice.

It wasn't just the disappointment of sexual frustration, Hyde could tell. It was the disappointment of someone realizing they had been used.

He wanted to apologize, but couldn't.

“Well, I will go back to the party, I really don't care what you will do now.”

He did not want to look at yasu's face, but forced himself to do it anyway.

Slowly the brunette nodded, disillusion shadowing his features now.

“Will you give me your number? I mean, are we gonna hang out again some time?”, he wanted to know weakly, but it was obvious he didn't really get his hopes up.

And for a brief moment Hyde even considered it.

Yasu was extremely good looking, he was funny, and obviously not exactly prudish. Dating him would be nice. Hyde felt ready to date again, he hadn't allowed himself to fall in love for far too long already; but in this case it wasn't an option. Even if he wanted to take yasu out on a proper date, wanted to get to know him better, and make him breakfast in the morning - he was still a fan. If it leaked, it would be disastrous for his career, and also for yasu's life.

“Don't be ridiculous”, he brushed off the sudden feeling of wistfulness, and took a step towards the party again.

Yasu followed him and Hyde felt horrible for the thing he would have to do next.

But it was the best for both of them.

The security guard was still standing next to the entrance door, pretending to not notice any of their private drama, and also pretending that he had not the slightest idea of what might have happened in that cloak room.

“I'm sorry, sweetie”, Hyde sighed, and waved for the guard.

The man in black turned towards him and bowed his head lightly.

“Excuse me”, Hyde called out. “This fan has been harassing me all evening already. I wonder who even let him in. Could you please make sure someone takes him out of here, so the other guests can enjoy the party in peace?”

He watched the disappointment on yasu's face turn to anger as the guard approached him to grab his arm, but Hyde turned around towards the party before the real protest started.

If this got ugly, he wanted to be as far away as possible.

Unfortunately, it promised to get ugly anyway, because facing the party guests again he first caught the eyes of his manager.

Once more he sighed quietly as the man hurried towards him in anticipation.

The drops of sweat on his forehead had even increased and he seemed extremely stressed.

“Hyde, I've been looking for you everywhere”, he exclaimed way too loudly.

He stepped outside as well, so the four of them were now standing in the corridor that led either outside into the night or towards the cloak room.

Hyde did not turn around to check, but he really hoped that yasu would not put on a scene right now. A scene was what he dreaded the most.

“Oh, and I see you have already met yasu, that's great”, his manager said, and the words trickled down Hyde's back like cold water.

He suddenly had the horrible feeling of having missed out on something very important.

“Yasu?”, he repeated with a dry mouth and did turn around now.

The guard had let go of the yasu in the meantime and the young man watched Hyde with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

He seemed frightfully mad.

“Why, of course, yasu! The vocalist I told you about. The one we want you to do a collaboration with”, his manager insisted. “Yasu of Janne Da Arc.”

[professionalfoodstalker]

One In A Million // Kevin

Girl you're so one in a million You are Baby you're the best I ever had Best I ever had And I'm certain that There ain't nothing better No there ain't nothing better than this ××× It's too damn early for this. Why I had to be the one to go the grocery store I don't know. They woke me up out of my sleep knowing damn well out of everybody in the house I like my sleep the most. "Kev. Kev. Kevin we need to go to the store." Brian said, lightly shaking me in my bed. "Then go to store and leave me the hell alone." I groaned in my pillow, then flipped myself over to where my back was facing him. "I'm sorry. What I meant was: you need to go to the grocery store." "Rok, you're already up, why can't you go? Are you disabled in any way shape or form?!" He flopped on my bed and I was tempted to push him off. "Nah, man, me and Nick were about to get into an intense game off Mario Kart when I realized we're out of breakfast food." "There are 2 other guys in this house you could ask so why are you bothering me specifically?" To my dismay, I could feel myself slowly waking up. "If Jay went, he wouldn't be back until like five o'clock in the afternoon. If D went, he'd come back in time just not with the correct groceries. (Ya know, I think he does that on purpose so I won't ask him again.) I'm asking you because I know you're the most responsible and you'd go and get the right stuff in a timely fashion." Eventually I sat up and pushed Brian off my bed, hesitantly agreeing to go get groceries. I slowly push around the metal cart, thinking of all the ways to hurt those inconsiderate bastards when I get home when I hear metal clashing. I shake off those thoughts and look up to see what happened. "Holy shit! I am so sorry. I wasn't paying attention and it's so early. I haven't had my morning coffee yet so I promise I didn't mean to do it on purpose!" This woman stammers and I can make out the fatigue in her voice. She doesn't even glance up at me. She has fair brown skin and her hair is in a messy bun atop her head. The fact that she's not wearing makeup tells me that she really is tired and doesn't care that's she's out in public looking like she just woke up. I don't know what color her eyes are under her shades but I can surely tell that she looks tired and her lack of effort to smile doesn't help. Her baggy Lion King sweatshirt hangs off of her left shoulder and her sweatpants are seemingly held up by the jaw string. "It's alright, I promise. Clearly I wasn't the one paying attention." I say presenting a small smile. (One I'm hoping she'll reciprocate.) When she finally gives me her attention, her face stills. She bears an unreadable expression and I don't know what for. In what seems like a flash, she untangles her basket with mine, reverses it and changes her direction. Maybe she's not a social person... "Hey, wait..." My voice fades out in realization that it's not even worth it. Moving on, the first aisle I step into is for cereal because Howie can't go a day without his Lucky Charms and will be pissed if I don't get them. It makes me chuckle, remembering when AJ ate the last of the Lucky Charms one time and Howie cussed him out in Spanish. And Nick was mocking Howie, then he got cussed out in Spanish. Yesterday was fun. Next Brian wanted me to get him some macaroni and cheese, ice tea, and ginger ale for him. Nick and I both like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, that reminds me to get two separate pints this time because next time he eats mine I will kick that kid's ass. I search through all the various flavors of dairy delicacy and my ears unconsciously pick up on a conversation being held in the next aisle over. "Mama, you don't understand! He was fine...as in fine as hell fine!" The voice sort of matches the one to the female that I had a semi pleasant encounter with no less than five minutes ago. I continue my actions with pulling two cartons out of the freezer and her voice gets closer. "No, I know, Mama! Yeah you didn't send me to the store to find a man. I got it. But he was fine! Now what type of bread do you say get?" Now I don't want to get cocky because I hate arrogant people but what are the odds that she isn't talking about me? Honestly. I have no intentions whatsoever to confront her but the bizarre thought of this woman openly talking about me is kind of exciting! Calm down Kevin! This woman could be talking about some other good looking gentleman at this market at 10 o'clock in the morning. As my luck would have it, just as I'm turning out of the frozen section I crash into another cart. Or rather the same cart as before. I was most definitely distracted by that woman's conversation and that's exactly who I run into. Seems like she didn't expect it neither, her shades fell off her face but she held onto that phone like it was her lifeline. "Oh my fucking God!" She hisses under her breath but loud enough for me to hear. And she cusses, that's not very ladylike. I like it. I see there is coffee in her basket along with creamer, zebra cakes, swiss roles, cheese crackers, white milk, hot pockets, and bread. Is that for her because that is junk. Straight junk. But who am I to judge? She drops to her knees to pick up her shades and when she comes back up I am bitch slapped by her beauty. Her cheekbones rival that of my own and her eyes are a shade of green and brown. Out of all the guys I know, I've never been ashamed to admit to myself that I have a black woman fetish. Well, my cousin's got a bit of one himself; they obviously love the jawline, baby blue eyes and the goofy personality. But I can't blame him, we grew up the same way and they were almost like forbidden treasure to us. And people know that when you can't have something you without a doubt want it even more. "I don't know whether to say this is funny or very awkward." I comment jokingly. "Same. I feel like I have introduce myself now since I've interrupted your day twice now with my carelessness." She chuckles, putting her shades atop her head and I am literally mesmerized by her eyes but it appears like she's trying to avoid eye contact. Nor does she remove her basket from mine. "Well that shouldn't be too hard. My general southern hospitality requires me to go first, I'm Kevin." I hold out my hand for her to shake (and I want to look into her eyes, if she gives me the opportunity.) Yes, my heart speeds up a notch when she giggles at my lame joke. I don't even know this woman's name! Come on Richardson, get it together! "Southern hospitality, huh? Thought I heard a country accent in there somewhere. Eva." My heart rate kicks it up another two notches as she shakes my hand and meets my eyes all at once. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× I rush into the house, nearly throwing the groceries into he kitchen. Brian and Nick were – just like he said – engaged in a severely intense game of Mario Kart. Looks like their trying to beat Rainbow Road again. "Hey cuz! Did you get the stuff from the store?" Brian asks, not moving from his position. I'm moving so fast, I'm struggling to take off my jacket to get upstairs to change. Someone comes up behind and tugs my jacket sleeve and everything fell into place afterwards. I turn around and see it's just Howie and he looks like he woke a second ago. He goes to lay down on the couch and watches Bri and Nick play the game without any words. That could've been me but then I wouldn't have gotten Eva's number! And I sure as hell wouldn't be meeting her at Starbucks for lunch! "I sure did!" I yell from the hallway. "Oh since you're so helpful can you also–" "No. No. And hell no. Cook you're own damn food! I have a place to be." "But I wasn't–" "I don't care. I have a place to be." I steady my breathing by walking up the stairs then I hear: "Damn, you'd think he's getting his dick sucked at this place where he has to be!" The his unmistakeable giggles to follow. "The fuck did you say Nickolas?!" I pause on the carpeted stairs. The childish giggles turn in coughs real quick. If I wasn't in such a hurry to take a shower and choose a casual outfit for Starbucks, I'd go back down there to threaten him with my fist. That always works quite effectively. We plan to meet up at 12:30 so that gives me roughly an hour. I took some time in the shower to wash my long hair and it needs to blow dried which I will do after I put on my clothes. A white T-shirt, red flannel, and jeans is casual right? White Converse are like the epitome of casual in my book. I check my watch and see that I have 10 minutes and it takes me a minute or so to get over the shock of that I clearly stayed in the showers way too long. Now I don't have time to dry my hair. Good Lord, I sound like a woman! Man bun will have to do I see. Cologne, check. Deodorant, check.  Groucho Marx eyebrows, check. Wallet, check. I'm good to go. I basically jump down the stairs and now everyone is playing Mario Kart game. Appears to be DK Summit this time. "Ah fuck you AJ! How dare you throw that blue shell at me! It's the last lap too!" "Nicky it's not my fault your ass was in first place. Keyword being was." AJ cackles. "Language!" Brian scolds. "And you're in last place that wouldn't have helped you anyway." I comment. Nick looks up at me and pauses the game with his controller. "Kev, where're you going? Are you really going get your dick sucked?" "Language!" "Nick...You better hope you're not the first person I see when I come back from Starbucks." "Starbucks?!" They question in unison. "You hate Starbucks! You think all the people who drink Starbucks are uptight and full of themselves!" Howie says. "And I still do. I have a lunch date with this woman I met at the store so that's the only reason I'm going. Don't wait up kids. Don't burn down the house. Don't starve. Daddy will be back later." I grab my keys, jacket and walk out the door. ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× On the way there all I could think about was what this Eva woman was like. There's no doubt that's she's cooler than Elsa on ice. I just want to get to know her. She's obviously gorgeous and that makes me nervous. And this will be the first time I was asked out by a black woman, normally it's the other way around but I have no problem with that either. I enter the coffee shop and there she was standing at the front of the line in a yellow sundress with white Converse and her hair is out of that perfect messy bun. Gorgeous. And casual, like I thought. I don't know what she was ordering but I thought I should pay for it. "Hey you!" I greeted her and she jumps, holding her chest. "Hey you! Don't do that I have a weak heart." She laughs to herself. "Oh my God, really?" "Oh hell no but don't do that. I was just ordering if you want anything." "I don't eat here so I wouldn't know what's good. Why can't I just have what you're having?" "Because I'm getting a salad, do you want a salad?" "Oh hell no." I chuckle, my eyes graze the menu. "Get whatever you feel won't ruin my taste buds. I trust you, girl." "But you don't know me." I lean down to whisper in her ear. My lips graze her ear. "That's what I'm here for, Eva." I turn on my heels and search for a booth to sit at. An hour later we're chatting like we've been friends for years. I finished my sandwich and she finished her salad. "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure babe." That came out oddly easily. It rolled off the tongue like water rolled off a duck's back. "Do you know that you are insanely gorgeous? Like you are fine as hell!" Suspicions confirmed. I drop my head and when you're white, the blush is right there front and center. "You must make men feel real insecure when you're standing next to them huh?" "And you're one to talk! I feel like I'm on a date with a supermodel." "I don't know about the super part but that's probably because I am a model." My eyebrows nearly shoot off my face. I stand no chance of hiding my shock. "Really I'm model too!" "I'm gonna have to come see one of your shows then. I'm sure I won't be disappointed." Eva winks at me and I can't stop smiling. "I guess that means the same for me. I know I won't be disappointed." Then I add my wink and she tucks a braid behind her ear and that's probably the sexiest thing I've seen in a while. The flirting continued all throughout the rest of the date. It went so well. Better than well more like fantastic. I stroll in the house with a sack of Chinese food and a stupid ass grin that's going to break my face sooner or later. Those little bastards snatch the bag out of my hand but nothing can kill my vibe. I know its too early to tell but damn, Eva might be the one. I don't think I will be able to find another one like her. Brian walks up to me putting soy sauce on his teriyaki chicken and rice. I look down at my little cousin and the grin still hasn't wavered. "Aren't you glad I sent you to the grocery store?" I don't even respond I simply nod and join the boys in the kitchen. ×××××× @nessaimagines

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

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"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars