#fundielegacies sue linda

[biblethumpersims]

While Candace deliberately tried to steal one of the boys, GodsMiracle was doing it by accident.

Although they rarely spoke - what are they, whores? - Simon had been ~noticing~ GodsMiracle. Mostly noticing that she was hot and, very unlike GodIsParadise, loved farming and animals.

Fundies, of course, don’t see women as people, but any moron would realize that marrying a girl that shares your interests is better than marrying a girl that doesn’t. So Simon went to Jason and asked to drop out of the competition to court GodsMiracle instead.

Jason, who wanted all of his kids out of the house ASAP so he can finally live in peace, was only too happy to agree.

Sue promptly made a much-too-long video about it, trying to get as many views as possible from the situation.

[biblethumpersims]

For the next episode, Sue took everyone to a local park to bring Jesus to the heathen townies. Sue was especially impressed by Jasper and Samuel harassing the elderly, which she framed as them “trying to help save their souls before it’s too late!11!1″, as well as adding in a dash of “women must learn to submit to and obey men even when he’s 60 years younger than her!”

(Ed, meanwhile, took a bunch of selfies instead of talking to anybody, which put him high up on their shit list.)

[biblethumpersims]

To ease the transition from “each Sim day is one Real day” way of telling time to the "pregnancy last three days” way of telling time, I’m going to do a timeskip.

TL;DR The married couples this gen are Samuel Eaten/GodIsParadise Smith, Robin Mills/Candace Nixon, Jasper Flanagan/Dorothy Talbert, and maybe Simon Eaten/GodsMiracle Smith if I feel like it lmao. All four wives are expecting their first child.

Simon and GodsMiracle were the first to marry. After the wedding, they moved to the countryside and established a small farm. GodsMiracle is currently in her third trimester.

As an excuse for me to kick their asses out of SanMy, the Talberts decided to relocate to Del Sol Valley to further pursue Brona’s acting career. Their penthouse was left to son-in-law Jasper Flanagan since Westley eloped to Oasis Springs with HeIsTheLight Smith mysteriously disappeared and their other sons already had homes.

GodIsParadise married Samuel Eaten in a lavish ceremony. Once the Smiths moved out, their fancy penthouse was passed down to this branch of the Eaten family. GodIsParadise is in her second trimester.

Jason and Sue Smith moved to Sulani shortly before their Elderhood birthdays and plan to live out the rest of their years there.

Candace got what she wanted when Robin Mills married her in a ceremony that was, thanks to her father, exaggeratedly expensive. After the wedding, once again thanks to Mr. Nixon, the Mills bought a fancy apartment in the Uptown area. Candace is currently in her second trimester.

Nobody was expecting Jasper Flanagan and Dorothy Talbert to court or get married, but they did. Jasper officially inherited the Talbert’s old apartment and the Flanagans are residing there now. Dorothy is in her first trimester.

(Note: to distinguish between Simon & GodsMiracle Eaten and Samuel & GodIsParadise Eaten, they will be tagged ‘s gm eatens’ and ‘eatens’ respectively.)

[biblethumpersims]

Sue takes what’s left of her cast and brings them to a romantic group date at... the nursing home. Her park video had one (1) more view than average, so naturally screaming at old folk is what The People want. Also, something something bring Jesus to them before it’s too late something something.

Reactions... varied, but Sue was more interested in outrage than saving souls anyways.

Another round of one-on-one dates later and it’s time for the next elimination.

[biblethumpersims]

The next few days of videos covered a string on one-on-one dates. All of them featured the boy of the day talking about how he’s a scripture-obeying Godly Man (tm) followed by Sue obnoxiously telling the viewer about how God-fearing her kids are. Between the two, GodIsParadise speaks around two sentences per video.

After the dates, the second Elimination Round arrives. But that’s another video for another time.

[biblethumpersims]

Sue, voiceover: Here’s a neighborhood I never thought I’d see again! This is where I spent my earliest years, before my whore mother stole me away from my virtuous father, may he rest in peace. The house I grew up in now belongs to my half-brother, Deighleighveighhraunsse (a/n: Deliverance). But that’s not why we’re here!

Sue: Jasper chose to take Paradise on a romantic date to a demon-infested Hell lot!

Sue: As always, I’m coming along to preserve purity! And Miracle’s here as an extra camera.

Sue: My father told me that, before I was born, a fire killed the people living in this house. But I stopped by this neighborhood a lot as a teenager, and it wasn’t trashed like this back then! This is what happens when there aren’t Godly residents of a home - it becomes a filthy mess! But, apparently, nobody wanted to buy the house because of demons. Imagine, good Christian residents of Bunch Creek being afraid of demons! If you were truly Godly, you wouldn’t be scared of the enemy - you would defeat him! Can I get an amen?!

Sue: ...oh, they’re inside.

Jasper: Stay behind me, girls. Your weaker bodies would never survive if a demon lunged at us.

GIP: So, how are you planning to perform the exorcism? I thought you needed to be a priest?

Jasper: No, anyone can cast away demons. First, you grab the Bible and...

Sue, running in: I’m here! Miracle, have they been pure?

GodsMiracle: You were only gone for a minute.

Sue: A minute is all you need to commit pre-marital hand holding - or worse, kissing! In a house of Satan like this, the sexual temptation is thick and heavy. We need to be on our guard!

GodsMiracle: Sorry. No, nothing has happened.

Jasper: ...and post!

Sue: Post what?

Jasper: My #exorcism selfie.

Sue: I thought I would be the first to share this with social media?

Jasper: Sure, sure. Think of it like a teaser. I’m getting people hyped for your show, Mrs. S. You wouldn’t have half your views without me.

Sue, tensely: Maybe. Maybe not.

GodsMiracle, quickly: Let’s go explore the building!

Jasper: Still no demons? What kind of lame haunted house did you bring us to?

Sue: Excuse you, my father swore that this house was reputable for its demonic-

Miriam: Pardon me, but you’re in my home. Is it that my father invited you here?

Jasper: Your home? So that means-

Sue: -this little girl must belong to the squatter atheists that trashed this place! Hey, kid, where are your parents?! I need a strong word with them about how to keep a tidy home, even as homeless filth!

GodsMiracle: Hey, mom, the camera’s acting up. It’s just a bunch of fuzz.

Sue: Then fix it. Paradise, be a doll and use Miracle’s weird old camera to take some pictures. We need something for the video! Now, girl, where are your dirty hobo parents?!

Miriam: My mother told me to only speak with Godly folk. Women of sin like you rot the spirit.

Sue: Women of sin?! I’ll have you know that I’m a highly pious woman, and-

Jasper: Looks like I’m exorcising the little girl.

GIP: You don’t have to. We can’t film it, anyways.

Jasper: No, I’m going to. You guys hold her down and I’ll banish the demon from her.

Sue: Hey! Stop running! Guys, go after her!

Sue: Looks like she ran off the lot. Good riddance! I hope her disgusting, slobby parents learn from this. Let’s go home, kids.

Jasper: But I never got to exorcise anything.

Sue: With reception like this, you won’t get to! If you want to play priest, do it where I can film it!

Jasper: ...fine, whatever.

[biblethumpersims]

It’s Tuesday, the first real day of the challenge. Before the day really starts, Paradise shows off what an uwu mommymaid housewife she is by cleaning up after everybody at breakfast.

(And leaves them in the sink because Sue isn’t about to let her waste precious film time doing dishes like some kind of maid.)

Then it’s time for a group outing.

They end up at a Karaoke Bar. Sue would blather some excuse like “ummm it’s to test how easily tempted they are :)”, but the reality was that the three Christ-centered lots they went to first kicked them out. Only the Karaoke Bar didn’t give a shit about Sue’s camera.

As soon as Jason lets them interact, Robin goes right up to GodIsParadise and shares his ideas on how this whole thing could be Godlier. Not because he thinks her opinion matters or that she has any influence over this, just because he wants her to think he’s extremely smart and creative and Godly. And sure enough, GIP giggles nervously and mumbles something about how big brained he is.

Meanwhile, Samuel aggressively inserts himself into the scene and one of the red shirt bachelors takes a selfie.

Westley autonomously sobs, and Sue’s camera is focused in an instant. She uses his picture as the thumbnail and titles the video “This SECULAR KARAOKE VENUE was SO UNGODLY, it made him CRY?!?!?!??!?!!!” Jason, meanwhile, docks several points because no son-in-law of his will be a wimpy-ass crybaby.

(Not pictured: Edward trying to shove his face in the camera as much as possible.)

Then Jasper decides to belt out worship music. The machine only has the music to secular songs, but he makes it work.

Robin decides to watch and immediately regrets it. If he doesn’t like Awesome God to the tune of Dancing Queen, then that’s his loss.

Then this poor woman walks in, and I told every man to insult her to simulate them trying to convert her.

Except for Jasper. Rather than sing, he uses the microphone to give an impromptu lecture to everyone about how immodest women are going to Hell, and by the way, have you heard about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Jason was a fan, but the Karaoke Bar wasn’t. On to the next date, then. And given how Free Will has failed me, I’ll have to intervene a little more.

[biblethumpersims]

The Heiresses

Because I really should introduce them, huh. Lots of copypasting PlumTree bios in this post lmao

Rebecca Elizabeth Nixon (left)

The 10th child of Peter and Hannah Tidwell.

Rebecca always wanted to be an actress, so she married an aspiring actor and they moved to San Myshuno.

While her aim was the big screen, she also found fame as a SimTuber. This infuriated her childhood rival, Sue Smith, and because the two women detested each other they often tried to upstage each other.

But after a long life of raising 16 kids, fruitlessly chasing the spotlight, and nitpicking everything Sue did, Rebecca is finally slowing down. Elderhood is just around the corner, and like it or not she'll have to face it...

yes I copy pasted her PlumTree bio

Candace Ruth Nixon (right)

The 10th child of Calvin and Rebecca Nixon.

She’s basically the popular girl in every 2000s high school movie: vain, mean, and cheerful. While hates every Smith by principal, her hate for GodIsParadise in particular skyrocketed after GIP got her own SimTube series.

Brona Talbert (right)

The 7th daughter of Abel and Leah Morrow.

Brona had big dreams to move to the city and become an actress. Unlike Becca and Sue, Brona achieved some success. When you needed a stern, joyless older woman - controlling mother, harsh school matron, evil atheist mother of the kid the main character brings to Jesus because it's a Christian film - Brona was one of the best picks for the job. However, Brona mostly stuck with heavily religious films, a career move that would prevent her from breaking into the mainstream.

Gregory "allowed" Brona to decide early on that she would abandon her mother's "have all the kids you can" ideology in favor of ~only~ having a child once every so often. In real world terms, she had just 7 kids (6 pregnancies) over a 27 year period. The gaps between her children's ages grew as her career did, but not intentionally - it was just harder to find the time. It was hard to remember when she didn't particularly want to have more, anyways.

At her age, Brona's chance for one last pregnancy is quickly diminishing. But she may not be in such a hurry to use it as her family would want...

Dorothy Fran Talbert (left)

The 5th child of Gregory and Brona Talbert.

Dorothy is a nature-oriented teen that wants a large family. Not much going on there tbh.

Sue Linda Smith (left)

The 8th child of Michael Hopper and Jessica Peterson.

A woman ignored since birth and so desperate for attention that her adult life has been filled with sad attempts at social media fame including but not limited to cringe SimTube videos, naming her kids shit like “GodIsGood” just so ~~~the haters~~~ will drum up outraged attention to her, and now putting her daughter and teen boys in bear costumes just so people will pay attention to her miserly SimTube channel who is a mother to 12 children, and if you asked her children to describe her they would respond, probably with words.

GodIsParadise Smith (right)

The 8th child of Jason and Sue Smith.

One of the most doormat-iest doormats. Will go along with anything and everything someone even slightly ranked above her wants her to do. Unless it upsets Sky Daddy or even Earth Daddy, in which case she stutters out whatever Bible verse says it's wrong and then runs out of the room.

[biblethumpersims]

After church, the kids are sent to school, Mike goes off to work, and Jessica runs off to odd jobs. This left Tammy with two Hopper toddlers, two Hopper babies, and of course her own toddler to look after.

...until screaming from the nursery tells Tammy that the twins had Aged Up.

Even so, with TV and toys Tammy was able to subdue at least one, sometimes two, toddlers at once. (We won’t talk about Gunner trying to eat a fork while Louise "played” with the lamp she knocked over.)

At 2:53, Jessica returned with $100. It was extremely good considering the hours she worked, but when the goal is $2k it was also discouraging.

But Tammy had no time to talk. They didn’t want Jessica’s kids to see her, so they restored the house to how it was and then she quickly left.

[biblethumpersims]

Sue, voiceover: Today is Elimination Day! Today, one of our young men will pack his bags and leave!

The next ten minutes of the video is Jason giving the boys a crucifix one by one, drawn out to hit the mid-roll ad mark ~heighten the suspense~.

Finally, two remain: George and Edward.

Jason gives the final crucifix to Edward, and Sue’s shrieks cause many listeners to wince.

Sue, in an exaggeratedly tone: Oh my glory, I did NOT see that coming! The Lord has spoken to and through Jason, and it looks like George is the big loser of the week! Remember to leave your thoughts in the comments and leave a like if you were totally shocked - or even if you saw this coming!

Jason: I’d rather die than let my little girl marry a man that likes beige :) Now get out.

The next shot is George leaving the penthouse.

George: I can’t believe I’m going home. I don’t have a freak chin like Jasper, I don’t cry like Westley, and I’m not vapid like Edward! I’m the perfect man, and Jason was too stupid to see it. He’ll regret not picking a nice guy like me when his daughter’s miserable. I know this is part of God’s unfathomable plan, but I’m going to need a lot of prayer to make peace with this.  

[biblethumpersims]

The twins had very successful dates.

[biblethumpersims]

Sue: Welcome back to the channel, my name is Sue and today we’ll watch as Robin takes Paradise on a wonderful library date!

Sue: Sadly, Paradise started off by trying to talk to Robin, which I reminded her was strictly forbidden! How will Robin ever love her if she tries to usurp him as the leader?!

Sue: Robin kindly forgave her and even shared his ideas on how she can be a better future helpmeet to him! Understanding and generosity like that are definitely future husband traits!

Sue: Then he talked about solving logic puzzles! He knew that, as women, we would never understand, so instead of wasting time trying to explain he emphasized how smart he was to solve them! Sure enough, he sounded very intelligent even though we had no idea what he was talking about!

Sue: When you’re at the library, you read, and they chose to read the Bible together! Robin spoke at length about the meanings of certain verses, and as a good and submissive young lady Paradise nodded along and agreed to everything he said! Women aren’t meant for discussions, we’re meant to believe whatever our husbands tell us as Gospel truth!

Sue: That’s all for today! Remember to like, comment, subscribe, and pray! God bless!

[biblethumpersims]

Sue: Time for our next date, and this time Edward chose to bring Paradise back to the karaoke bar! Jasper may be banned, but all three of us were allowed in without question!

Sue: Edward had to drag Paradise to the stage, but as a submissive girl she got there in the end!

Edward, singing poorly: Humbly, You came to the earth You created, all for love's sake became poor~

GIP, silently bobbing her head along:

GIP: I didn’t have to sing after all. But that’s okay! Edward is... I don’t like singing, anyways. I’m glad he did it for me.

Edward: ...and then we’ll use your inheritance to go to Del Sol. That’s where real stardom lies! Nobody ever got famous in a big city.

GIP: ...No, of course not.

Edward: My debut album, Top Ten, is almost done. I take secular songs and change the lyrics to be about God.

GIP: And it’s not copyright infringement?

Edward: No, ‘cause I changed the words a little.

GIP: You’re the man. You know best.

Edward, loudly and forcefully: Mrs. Jason Smith sure knows how to raise a daughter. Paradise is one of the women I have ever met- was there supposed to be a word there?

Sue, off camera: Da- Darn! Uh, yeah, the word is ‘Godliest’.

Edward, normally: Cool.

Edward, loudly and forcefully: Paradise is one of the Godliest women I have ever met. I pray that her attractive and wealthy parents will give her to me.

Edward, normally but quickly: And my debut album will be dropping on Soundcloud in just one month so hit up guccigroovesforjesus and listen to my Godly covers-

Video abruptly switches back to the date.

Edward is droning on, but it’s Sue’s muttering that’s most audible.

Sue: The nerve of that whore! Everyone can see the back of her knees! Now I need to censor the video.

Edward: ...and if you play it backwards, you hear a Satanic ritual chanted in dead Latin! Most say it’s gibberish, but I know the real truth. That’s why I will never listen to my atheist grandmother sing, even at birthday parties.

GIP: Incredible!

Edward: I sure am.

Sue: And that’s it for today’s video! You know the drill - comment, like, subscribe, and pray! Bye for now!

[biblethumpersims]

Sue, voiceover: And for the rest of the week, we’ll be doing one on one dates! Don’t worry - I’m always right behind the camera, ensuring purity! We will have two dates each day, one in the morning and one in the evening!

Sue, continued: We go alphabetically, so George is up first! (a/n: it should be Edward.) He took Paradise to a cafe, and was smart enough to bring an umbrella to stay dry on the way there! Sadly, Paradise’s smaller brain forgot to grab one, and if they shared an umbrella they would not have been leaving room for Jesus, so she was rained on! Better luck next time, Para!

George: I ordered you an expresso. I know how you women love your fancy drinks.

GIP: Thank you.

George: Are you lactose intolerant?

GIP: No.

George: Good. I love eggs and I will only wife a woman that can eat them.

GIP: I didn’t realize eggs are dairy.

George: They’re in that section of the supermarket. You’re lucky you’ll have such a smart guy like me as your husband. Between this and the umbrella, it’s obvious you wouldn’t survive without a man’s guidance! But that’s how God made you ladies. Now, let me tell you about me extensive toothpick collection.

GIP, stiffly, as if reading a cue card: I am glad that George is a leader. Women need strong leadership because their weak wills are vulnerable to Satan’s attacks.

George: One moment, Paradise.

George, sitting down: Hey slut, don’t you know that lying is a sin?

Megumi: What? Who are you?

George: You may remember me as the handsome man that spoke to you at the karaoke bar about how Jesus prefers modest women. You said ‘okay, I’ll think about it’. But here you are, exposing your torso to the world! Good husbands will stumble because of you, and you’ll burn in Hell forever for being a homewrecker! How can you sleep at night?

Megumi’s mouth moves, often shaped like profanities, but the audio is Sue in a falsetto poorly laid over the footage: You’re completely right! God’s way is the only way! I’m so glad Christians like you are here to save sinners like me!

Megumi angrily stands up, towering over George, and the video abruptly cuts to Sue.

Sue, loudly: And that’s it for George! I need to cut his segment short because we need time to Edward to have his date with Paradise, of course! Don’t forget to like, comment, subscribe, and tune in next time! God bless!

[biblethumpersims]

Sue, voiceover: Hello again, SimTube, and welcome back to Godly Bachelorette! After the last episode, where George accidentally smashed the front window at Christ-Fil-A - good luck winning Jason over after that one, George! - we went back to our apartment for lunch! (a/n: in reality, going to a restaurant was actual free will hell so I sent them home.)

GodsMiracle, in the background: You’re so embarrassing. This isn’t how the Bachelorette goes!

Sue, whispering: Shut your mouth, these Godly men are listening - what would they think if they thought that I raised opinionated daughters?!

GodsMiracle: ...

Sue, continuing her voiceover: But that doesn’t matter, what came after lunch does! We did a speed dating session, where each boy had 10 minutes alone with GodIsParadise - with Jason and I there to monitor, of course - to really let her know who he is as a person and what she can expect if God binds her to him forever! We went alphabetically - God created the alphabet, after all!

Edward goes first, but instead of talking to GIP he stares at the camera and talks at length about his “upcoming” music career, complete with impromptu singing. He’s not as good as Jasper... or good at all.

Jason: What does this have to do with Paradise?

Edward: I believe my creativity is best displayed by this song, and I’m sure Paradise would love to marry the genius behind ‘Christ-alicious’. Now, where was I?

Paradise: ‘His wrath stay vicious, He be up in the clouds just working on His judgement, I’m His witness.’

Edward: Right, thanks. He put His boy on Cross, Cross-

George decides to go on a 10 minute ramble about how he forgot to pack his toothbrush and had to buy a new one last night.

George: ...but brown and tan and white and beige and the occasional spicy blue are the only colors that a man can associate with-

Jason, quietly: He’s leaving this week.

Sue, quietly: Let’s see how the other days go, dear.

George, too invested in his own story to realize other people were talking: -so finding that toothbrush was a very frustrating demand! But I’m sure a girl like you appreciates a man with teeth, good ones especially. I found a sturdy brown one in the end. All a man needs is a stick, no fancy ‘vibration’ or ‘bristles’ needed!

Jason: And ten.

George: Wow, Paradise, you didn’t say a word this entire time! You sure understand God’s design for women to be silent when a man is speaking.

GIP’s head jerks up and her voice is dazed: Oh, huh? She yawns. Thank you?

Jasper takes a seat. I’m going to summarize because I’m not writing out 10 minutes worth of dialogue: his Bookworm trait and Self-Absorbed trait mingle to create someone who thinks highly of himself and has the words to convince an airhead like GIP that he’s exactly as great as says he is. He would have done well if he hadn’t decided to end it with a story that totally happened.

Jasper: ...and then the homeless man sunk to his knees and repented on the spot after hearing my testimony! The entire bus started clapping and several attractive women asked me which church I went to.

GIP: ...

Robin goes next. His Nerd Brain aspiration and Genius trait shine through, leaving GIP hopelessly confused.

Robin: I can try to explain the solution-

Jason: -but don’t bother. It’s beyond a girl’s understanding. God created women with inferior brains that cannot understand Logic or intellectual pursuits. That’s why “educated” women become liberal Satanist feminists, it’s inherently against God’s will. No daughter of mine will receive more than the basics of education!

Robin, nodding: Of course.

Samuel: ...and, because your mother kept mentioning during the house tour that your future husband will inherit the penthouse when your father dies, our kids will grow up here as well.

GIP: I’m glad. I like the city.

Sue, quickly: But she’s obedient and would follow her husband to any location, wouldn’t you, Paradise?

GIP: Yes, mother.

Simon: ...and when we're married, we will move to the countryside.

GIP: I will follow my husband to any location.

Simon: Okay? That’s good to hear. We will also have a farm and animals.

GIP, trying to mask her disappointment: ...Great.

Westley: ...and then the Lord uses the pull of gravity, a dear enemy of mine, to rip me from the dark, moist comfort of the womb and into His Earth. Seeing that I was no longer in His arms, I cried. Ah, but my mother was not yet finished suffering on Eve’s behalf! After me, from mother’s dark tunnel of life, came my sister-

Jason: Time’s up.

Westley: But has it not only been three minutes?

Jason, hiding the timer: Time’s up. Stop talking.

Sue, face in the camera: And that’s it for today’s video! Thanks for sticking through all 75 minutes, and leave a comment down below to let us know who your favorite boy is! And don’t forget to like and subscribe to keep updated on Paradise’s Godly journey to wifehood! Goodbye, God bless, and amen!

[biblethumpersims]

“Ok, mom, we’re filming.”

Sue grins broadly and walks through the door, seven boys trailing behind her. It’s their first time seeing the interior, and many of them look around in interest while Sue babbles. “Now that I’ve introduced you to the seven bachelors - a number chosen for its Godly nature, of course - it’s time to introduce them to my modest home!” Sue’s home was not modest. It was a Fashion District penthouse worth almost 250k Simoleons.

Sue continues talking, but in the SimTube video her words would become a voice placed over footage of several cameras. “Sweet GodsMiracle, my second youngest and, note to the boys that don’t win Paradise, currently single daughter will use our main camera to film the big moments, but she can’t catch everything! So we’ve placed cameras everywhere except the bedrooms and bathrooms. Don’t think you boys can take advantage of that to commit sinful acts! We’ll be watching your doors, and we’ll know if you take my sweet daughter behind them!” What Sue doesn’t mention is that many of the boys being under-aged was the only reason she didn’t place cameras in vulnerable areas.

“And speaking of my daughter, GodIsParadise has agreed to wear this Girl Robot costume! That way, we know that her man is attracted to her Godly countenance and servant’s heart, not lusting after her body!”

Several boys exchange glances. Between Paradise’s appearances on Sue’s older videos, her 6 sisters, and generally seeing her at church, most of the boys had a good idea of what she looked like. They were just smart enough to know not to mention it. And idk what the fuck Robin thinks he’s doing

Sue continues. “Before I move on to the tour, there’s something very important I must mention!

The secular Bachelorette has the woman make the decision of who she will or won’t date, which is blasphemously unBiblical! We do things by God’s Word in this house! So Jason will monitor each of Para’s interactions and dates with the boys, and he will decide who isn’t good enough for her!

But don’t think that means you should spend all your time trying to butter up Jason! We want our little princess to be happy with the man leading her for the rest of her life, so pay your attentions to her!” That was bullshit. Sue knew that most Bachelorette fans were women, so she wanted a ““““““““romantic”““““““““ show to draw them in, and there would be no romance if Jason was the focus. And if that meant pushing aside her belief that relationships were a business transaction between father and suitor, so be it. Sue was used to moral compromise.

Sue continues talking, sounding much more confident than she had the right to. “The TV method of elimination is the ‘Rose Ceremony’. I’ve never seen the show, but the name alone makes it obvious that it’s when the girl strips nude and shows her ‘rose’ to every man but one, and then the winners celebrate with an orgy ‘ceremony’! It goes without saying that we will not be throwing an orgy every week! Instead, Jason will pass on a Jesus statuette as a way to say ‘Jesus Approves... This Week’!”

“With that out of the way, let’s talk sleeping arrangements! Our home has 8 bedrooms aside from the master’s, and I’ve color coded each one! Each bachelor has been given one at random. Returning viewers will know I still have three of my twelve Godly children still living with me, and you may wonder where everyone is sleeping! Well, my considerate and servantly GodsMiracle was willing to move in with her big sis so her old bedroom could be freed up! And she’s so pleased to help, aren’t you, Mir?”

“Thrilled.”

“That’s the spirit! Because one of the boys will move out in a week, there’s no point in building an extra bedroom! So one of the bachelors will be rooming with my wonderful son, HeIsTheLight, until the first elimination. These men are our honored guests, so I refuse to degrade any of them by making them use the butler’s room! Westley has the shortest stick, so he’s the lucky guy that gets to sleep with my son! Now, to the tour...”