#fyi by straight marriage I mean two straight people not just a man and woman married lol

[serialunaliver]

straight marriage tiktok is terrifying. why are you bragging that you take care of your husband like he's a toddler? it's so dark in here . hello?

[aw-eather]

Heather Watched the Extended Threads.

As if I haven’t already had a bad morning, lets emotionally torture ourselves shall we. Here is my running commentary:

Under a read more cause it was 8 pages of notes. 

That Previously On just shows that the main point of this episode is to get Sam and Jack together so if y’all don’t think they’re together after this, I have some news for you.

Gucci Douchebag making an appearance in the Previously On is not my idea of fun

JACOB I MISS YOU I AM ALREDY CRYING GOD HELP ME

Alright the episode has started with KERRY JOHNSON LOVE OF MY LIFE

Sam, you can’t be jealous, you’re literally MARRYING ANOTHER MAN.

Lol Jack you moron as if Daniel would walk through the door right now.

Sam is glaring at you funny just fyi.

But he’s right, Daniel is just waiting for y’all to be nice about him.

Oma I would like to order a plate of fucks to give about Daniel’s story at this point

Teal’c of the Tau’ri is a cute title I love that man

Aww I feel so proud of Teal’c.

FUCK OFF PETE

JAAACOOOB

Pete is so cringy

Jacob let Jack call him Dad once.. Pete has to wait until after marriage.

This is awkward as fuck

Pete you are so insensitive,

Jacob hates him. Same honestly.

You can tell he hates him tho, he’s not hiding it. My partners mum did a better job and she’s homophobic.

Sam is SO NOT in love with this guy

Oma being cryptic, checks out

Anubis makes me wanna punch someone.

This episode is really just tying up loose threads (probably hence the title) but its nice to know Pete is considered a loose thread 😊

Teal’c having to decide between the Jaffa and the Tau’ri is sad

Agh the newspaper and Daniel finding out about plans is an aggravating storyline

“I’m gonna marry him” reads the same as “Dad, I am happy”. Honey who are you trying to convince??? We don’t believe you.

“I know how happy he makes you” *Cut to Sam who looks nonchalant* *cut to Jacob who knows exactly what he’s doing and what he’s doing is attempting to stop her marrying Gucci Doucebag*

Selmak isn’t alive to make that call Jacob stop lying

I’M GONNA CRY AGAIN

She is really thinking about this. Like she looks like she’s second guessing herself constantly.

KERRY

JACK

KERRY AND JACK

JACK AND KERRY

WAKING UP TOGETHER

OH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!

I love how soft and tender he is with her, I imagine he’d be the same with Sam.

I love how he cuddles her and kisses her and plays with her hair and that hand on her face I--- *insert heart eyes*

I just really love them so much I wish we got more of soft, boyfriend Jack

Trouble in Jaffa land lol

I think he did really like her though.

Anyway back to Half Ascended!Daniel

Oma ya shouldn’t have helped the first two times, that’s the fucking problem babe

I literally do not give a shit about Daniel, I’m sorry. I really try but I can’t

OH NO THE PHONE CALL SCENE

She is SO sick of Gucci Douchebag

I can’t believe he called her at WORK over FLOWERS

AND SAYING ITS URGENT FUCK SAKE

I love Peter in the back

Jack watching her

Jacob is playing matchmaker so hard I fucking love him

Sam’s face tho is sooooo funny LIKE DAD SHUT UP WE DON’T MENTION THIS IN FRONT OF MY CO

Oh the little sigh he does before telling her to go pick flowers I can’t handle that man, he’s so heartbroken its like a lost puppy

Jack smiles but his eyes say oh yeah, I lost her and she’s happy with someone else now. PLOT TWIST: she’s miserable

Sam looks hurt because she still loves Jack

FUCK ME IT HURTS THEY DESERVED MORE

Jacob don’t play dumb babe, we know what you’re trying to do

Oh she MAD MAD at Dad

Why is it ok to break some rules and not others, you ask? Because y’all are white and can get away with it?

Oma just stop helping people. You don’t need to help them, just stop. I don’t want to be an ascended being y’all suck

Chocolate or vanilla like go HOME WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE

Sam shaking her head no about getting blown up by aliens is so cute I love her so much

This feels like friends talking

Or like these two people I know who claim they’re in love but its always soooo awkward around them.

Generally speaking that’s my type like you haven’t had two alien boyfriends in the last 8 years babe

“I have a surprise for you” YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING HER YOU CRETIN

THAT’S NOT A SURPRISE THAT’S CONTROLLING AND WEIRD

I hate that she looks happy. Don’t get me wrong I want her happy, I really do. And as much as I’m sure she loved Pete, she wasn’t in love with him. But I suppose she was happy for the first time with some one she could have… feelings are complicated, best not to have them honestly.

Jack has really long eyelashes. Just an observation.

That’s a lotta sugar, Danny boy. And Its not gonna make you any sweeter, I promise.

I love that he took the cup with him like he’s gonna drink it with THAT much sugar in it

Exposition, exposition, exposition.

Go away Anubis ya pain In the arse.

Oh the HOUSE

Have I said how much I hate that outfit cause I hate that outfit

It is a beautiful house to be fair but like…

Look at the PANIC in her eyes

I already have a problem with how they got engaged and the fact they stayed together after he STALKED HER.

Pete’s ability to control a situation and guilt trip her (literally he ran away and had her investigated by the FBI when she wouldn’t tell him about her work) reminds me of my ex. Which is probably why I hate him so damn much.

THE DECK SCENE

HER LOOKING AT HIS HOUSE

THE MUSIC

HE LOOKS GOOD IN DARK BLUE

I’M SORRY ITS ALL IN CAPS I’M TYPING AND WATCHING AND I’M SCREMING ON THE INSIDE DEAL WITH IT FAM I’M SORRY

THAT SMALL GRIN ON HIS FACE WHEN SHE SAYS SHE’S BEEN WORKING UP THE NERVE TO COME AND TALK TO HIM

TRUTH IS I’VE BEENTRYING TO WORK UP THE EVER FOR A LOT LONGER THAN THAT STOOP

ITS NOT GREAT JACK

YEAH BUT JACK HAS AN EVEN NCER HOSUE

SECOND THUGHTS

YES YOU ARE. GIANT MISTAKE INFACT

SHE’S REHEREDSE THIS SO MANY TIMES

KERRY FUCK OFFF NOW IS NOT THE TIME SWEETIE

THE BEER LOL

UES IT IS AWKKWARD

JACKS FACE OUCH

KERRY IS SO SWEET ASKING HER TO STAY FOR LUNCH

NO NOT DAD FUCK

Kerry caught him looking a little too long tbh

I’m not editing typos out of that btw it shows my rage

DAAAAAAD

JACOB YOU SWEET MAN

Oh sam honey I’m so sorry

I’m gonna cry again

FUCK OFF DANIEL JFC I literally do not give a shit

I only found out about Carmen’s death a couple months ago so I’m not gonna handle this well fam

Oh no

I’m typing and not looking again

Because Jacob is gonna tell her to go after Jack

I can’t breath

Six years ago

I’m not letting that go

It’s a continuity fuck up

Not that important but drives me nuts

No you’re not

He’s talking about jack

Come on sam he’s not dum

Everything you want is a house, a marriage and JACK

KERRY

LOVE OF MY LIFE

BREAKING UP WITH JACK FOR THE GREATER GOOD

I really like YOU Kerry

He’s so sad

He really liked Kerry

Retire please sir

Bye Kerry, I miss you already <3

If he told Sam he loved her right now she’d drop everything for him

He’s contemplating it

He’s confused but he’s thinking abut it because she’s stressed right now and ENGAGED but damn Kerry makes good points

More explanation and blah blah

Like if this was the main point of the story, there would be more talk of it outside of Daniel and we wouldn’t have just had 20 straight minutes if Sam and Jack pining over each other

Sorry can we talk about how PETE put a down payment on a house with OUT talking to her?? What if she didn’t like the neighbourhood?

Sorry I’m still mad about that

To be fair that green does look good on Daniel

Oma looks so proud

THEN STOP -B R E A K I N G- IT YOU GOOSE

Fuck sake woman

I’m so emotionally traumatised by this episode that I can’t remember half of what is added and half of whats in the 40 minute cut because I am repressing it lol. Obviously the scene with Kerry and the ones with Pete

NO JACOB

AND JACK BEING THERE FOR SAM

AND THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID I LOVE YOU ALL OVER AGAIN

SORRY I NEED A TEN MINUTE BREAK TO CRY

OK I’m back

Sam looking at her like he wants to tell her he loves her breaks my tiny stone cold heart even more

He didn’t actually NEED to put his arm around her but they both actually really did need it

The way she rubs her thumb on his hand and leans into him I fucking can’t

AND MORE DANEIL FFS

Sorry I just feel like this was supposed to be the A plot, Dakara was the B plot and Sam/Jack was the C plot but it ended up Sam/Jack = A, Daniel and Anubis = B, Dakara = C

Took ya long enough to catch on, Danny boy

Good BYE PETE

You didn’t know shit from the beginning go home

That’s the same shade of blue Jack had on before… interesting

I mean it does have something to do with her father…

She will, babe, don’t stress

To be fair, to give him some credit, he took it like a champ

But also don’t be a creep ya know

Why does Sam’s jacket look awkward

She just looks awkward this entire sequence

INCOMING WORMHOLE

What, pray tell, is the point of the self destruct if it doesn’t blow up the gate? Isn’t that part of the point?

Daniel ya tit, that’s not gonna work

Fuck YEAH OMA

BEAT HIS FUCKING ASS

Now Daniel can come back to earth and be with Vala thanks

Literally the only time I like him is with Vala and then its with a push

This seems a little too convenient tbh

I know it was OMA but this episode just feels…. Disjointed

Ah but will you destroy it? Probably not knowing the Jaffa

I wonder if Sam and Jack have spoken by now. Clearly not the same day because different clothes.

I’d say two days since Dad?

Ack Naked!Daniel

Jack is so AWKWARD I LOVE HIM

SAM CAN’T LOOK AT HIM

BRA’TAC IS ENCOURAGING THIS BULL SHIT

F I S H I N G

I can believe it, Sam.

She’s leaning towards him

Aw that giggle

That look she gives him

They’re so happy

This was the perfect ending

It should have finished there

How much time passed between then and s9 I wonder

At least a month right because Sam had been away a month?

Well that was good.

Hurt my heart but it was good

Final notes:

Jacob and Janet deserved better

I want more Kerry

They should have stopped at s9

Sam and Jack are together now, TRY and convince me otherwise

I’m thinking of smutty fic ideas for the cabin please stop me

Thanks for coming along on that emotional roller coaster ride. Ended up being 9 pages of dot points so I’m sorry! But I feel like I’ve said my bit.

Oh one last thing

Fuck Pete 😊

[ltwilliamhavers]

New Years Eve (Rosawatts)

authors note: it’s a to the moon fanfiction! my first one ever! fun times. so, number one, i did write this pretty quickly and only went over it once so if theres mistakes im really sorry! and two, i feel like in one of the minisodes they mentioned eva’s canon family but i just. completely forgot about that. so if eva does have a canon family sorry about that- all of her family members i just completely made up. this fic is also pretty long- or at least i think so. its a little more than 5k words. just an fyi, i guess. anyway, thats about all i have to say, so thanks!

Neil was awoken to the sound of incredibly loud banging outside of his hotel room.

“Neil! Neil Watts! Open this door right now, I know you’re in there! I am not afraid to open this door by force, I swear!”

Neil sat up in his bed, feeling slightly uncomfortable due to the hard mattress and also the fact that this was not his usual bed. He wipes the sleep out of his eyes and quickly puts his glasses on so that he’s able to see more than two feet in front of him. He takes a quick scan of his surroundings. There’s cheap art of fruit baskets and lakes all around the stark white room, an old TV that he’s surprised even works anymore, and the weird, popcorn effect of the ceiling. He quickly realized that he wasn’t in his apartment he shared with Eva- but he was still groggy enough to not remember the reason why.

The woman outside the door continues to yell, obviously either not aware of the other patrons in the hotel, or she quite simply doesn’t care. She starts banging on the door again. “Come on, groom to be! Eva will literally kill you if you’re late, so if I were you I’d hurry up.” A brief silence ensues, giving the still tired Neil- not really listening to anything the voice outside says- the time to finally step out of his bed, wipe off his glasses, and head towards the door. The noise outside quickly pipes back up. “It’s also a possibility I will kill you before Eva gets the chance to. So you better hurry up.”

Neil groggily walks towards the door, it still shaking even though the person outside knows for a fact that the door is locked. Still stretching his face out, trying to wake himself up, he finally answers the person outside. “…Roxie?” Neil says, slightly yawning.

“Yes, Neil, it’s Roxie. Who else would be yelling at you at 9 am?”

“Eva.”

“Other than Eva, idiot. You guys aren’t allowed to see each other today.”

This sentence quickly jumpstarts Neil’s memory- even though Eva and Neil aren’t really ones for superstitions or traditions, they decided to do the whole thing of not being able to see each other on their wedding day.

Their wedding day.

On this day, Dr. Neil Watts is going to marry Dr. Eva Rosalene.

“I’m assuming you just woke up, considering it took me about 20 minutes to even get a response out of you.” Neil assumes that Roxie is exaggerating this, as she does with most stories, but he wasn’t entirely sure. He decided to go the safe route and not question this in case the story actually was true.

“Yeah, can I just… uh…. can you hold on a quick second?”

“Are you going to let me in or do I need to sit out here for another half hour?”

Roxie increased the time again, so Neil can safely assume that she did exaggerate how long she was outside, banging on his door.

“Just hold on!”

“If you’re in your little Pokemon boxers, I’ve seen them before. I’ll be fine. Just let me in, Neil, oh my God.”

Neil turns a bright red as he looks down, seeing his bright blue boxers with the little red Pokemon logo on it. “Wait, Roxie, how do you know I have… better question, when have you seen them?” There is silence from the other side of the door, but Neil has known Roxie long enough that she’s probably rolling her eyes.

“So, obviously you don’t remember anything about your bachelor party.”

Neil is too embarrassed to answer. He’s always been a little self conscious about how much of a lightweight he is- it doesn’t take him much to get him blackout drunk.

“Okay. Long story short, you got blackout drunk- obviously- and you wouldn’t stop taking off your pants to show everyone the ‘super cool Pokemon boxers’ that your ‘beautiful wife’ got you, even though you weren’t married yet. I tried to help you to your car because you literally could not stop stumbling, and you yelled at me multiple times for ‘trying to flirt with a happily married man.’”

Neil blushes thinking of drunk-Neil’s shenanigans, but he does think it was really funny he was telling everyone he was married. He’ll probably tell Eva about this story after the wedding- he’d like the embarrass himself as little as possible in front of her before they get married.

“Neil, I will start yelling again.”

“Just let me put my pants on, Roxie! I’d rather you not have to see my boxers while I’m sober.”

Roxie lets out a long, drawn out ‘ugh’ outside of the door while Neil quickly goes through all of his things, looking for pants. The first thing he finds are the dress pants that go with his suit, so he quickly pulls those on and opens the latch on the door, before Roxie ends up waking up the people in the building next to the hotel.

Neil opens the door, looking straight ahead, before quickly looking down to make eye contact with Roxie. He stands almost a foot taller than her, and it infuriates her whenever he jokes about her height or rests his arm on her head. He decided not to bring anything up today. He can already tell Roxie is angry.

“You owe me so many gallons of ice cream for this.”

“I really think you were only out here for a couple of minutes-”

“So. Many. Gallons.”

Neil shuts up quickly, staring into Roxie’s glaring eyes. Roxie quickly scans over him, giggling. “Graphic t-shirt and dress pants. It’s a really good look for you, Neil.” Neil turns bright red once again.

“Wedding’s at 6, Watts. All the groomsmen are downstairs. The bridesmaid are all helping Eva out- except for the best one, of course.” Roxie does the fingers in the cheek thing, smiling warmly at Neil. “None of us are dressed up yet. We’re gonna dress up a few hours before hand. We’re all going out for brunch.”

“Wait, why aren’t you helping Eva out?”

“Well, she did tell me that I could help out, but I know myself. I’d probably end up spilling everything humanly possible onto her dress. So I just decided…. not to.”

“You think it’s fine to spill stuff on my outfit though.”

“Weddings are for two people and two people only- the bride and the bride’s mother. So, no, you don’t really matter in the whole equation.”

“Yeah, because the whole marriage and love thing doesn’t matter at all.”

“Exactly!”

Neil sighs, not bothering to deal with Roxie’s logic of marriage and weddings this morning. “So I’m gonna get changed so that… I don’t want to go to brunch looking like this.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“Thanks, I try,” Neil says, with a cocky grin. Roxie rolls her eyes as Neil closes and latches the door.

* * *

Eva keeps twirling the engagement ring around her finger. She has a lot of pent up nervousness about this day- it needs to be perfect. Not that she’d ever tell Neil, but she’d daydreamed a lot about her wedding day. Sure, as her third-grade self she had never imagined the man she would one day marry would’ve been a snarky, sarcastic asshole, but she did know that she would’ve never picked someone she wasn’t sure she truly loved. She knew she made the right choice, she just didn’t want to kick off their marriage with a horrible start.

Her mom, Estella, walked into the bedroom alongside Eva’s twin sister Charlotte (who was called Charlie by basically everyone who knew her). They looked like they were glowing.

Charlie started lightly jumping up and down, clapping her hands and smiling cheerfully. “Evie, it’s here! You’re getting married!”

Eva jumps up with a start at this, not realizing that they were in the room. Eva starts, “How long have you two…” when Charlie sprints towards her and envelopes her in a bear hug.

“Evie, oh my god, you’re getting married! It’s finally happening! I’m so excited, oh my  god! I’m the most excited I’ve ever been!” Charlie pulls away from the hug, still slightly bouncing. “Well, okay, probably not the most excited, I was probably more excited on my wedding day, but you know what I mean. And you’re probably more excited than I am. I mean, that makes sense, right? Anyway.” Charlie takes a deep breath from chattering excitedly. Eva smiles warmly to herself- there’s really no stopping Charlie ones she gets talking. Not that she minds, Charlie’s always been her best friend since day one and she appreciates that she can do the talking for the both of them.

“Umm… thank you, Charlie. I am also very excited,” Eva says, stifling a laugh. She looks behind Charlie, seeing her mom still standing by the doorway. She sees Eva looking at her, and she gives her a warm smile, closing her eyes. Eva smiles back.

“So… when are we starting with the makeup? I’m so excited! I can’t wait to do your makeup! Oh my goodness, you’re going to look so beautiful! Not that you don’t already. I’m just super excited!” Charlie starts bouncing up and down again, along with her natural curls, while Eva starts giggling while Charlie keeps prattling on excitedly.

Eva looks around towards the doorway. “Mom? Where are the rest of the bridesmaids?” Her mom was one of the bridesmaids, and she had agreed to keep track of everyone. Usually that job went to the maid of honor, who was Charlie (technically matron of honor, in her case), but they all had mutually agreed they would not have Charlie in charge of keeping track of everything. Her mom responds in a small voice, “They’re all carpooling here. As you know, that girl… Roxanne? She’s staying with Neil. Too clumsy.” Her mom smiles with this last sentence. It wasn’t meant maliciously, Estella loves all of Eva’s friends, but anyone from a mile away can tell Roxie is one of the clumsiest people to grace this Earth.

The last three bridesmaids- Sophie, Maria and Valentina- were close friends from college that Eva was able to keep close in touch with. They weren’t doing anything in particular to help Eva out with her wedding, they were there for morale support and to give Charlie other people to talk to. Charlie was a professional cosmetologist, so she was in charge of doing Eva’s hair and makeup; Estella was in charge of making sure everyone was in the right place, at the right time. All Eva had to do was make sure she looked presentable, and show up to her wedding on time.

Eva hears the doorbell ring from the front of her shared apartment, and Charlie lights up. “Oh! They’re here! I finally have company!” Eva started to say something along the lines of, “Am I not good enough company for you?” but Charlie had already sprinted towards the door. In just a few seconds, she heard the hellos and semi-quiet screaming of girls by the door. Estella turns to Eva. “I’m going to step into a different room. I need to check on the Neil and the boys…” She smiles to herself. She had always loved Neil- he always managed to curb his tongue whenever he was near her. “Oh! And Roxanne.” She pats Eva’s arm appreciatively, and heads into the living room as all the other girls file in to the bedroom.

Charlie holds up a hair dryer in one hand and a hair straightener in the other. “Alright, Evie! 11 am. Gotta head out at 4. Five hours to get you ready for your wonderful groom!” Charlie smiles with all her teeth as Sophie, Maria and Valentina cheer behind her. Eva smiles sheepishly as she sits down at her vanity, waiting for Charlie to work her magic.

* * *

Neil, Roxie, Alistair, Rob and a few others who were Neil’s personal friends were still all sitting down at the brunch place. The wait had taken a while (this place was always very popular) and with the amount of people in the restaurant, the food had also taken a while to arrive. Everyone was already mostly finished up as Neil got the phone call from Eva’s mom. His phone started vibrating as the contact ‘Estella ❤’ popped up.

“Uh… I’m gonna go take care of this okay? You guys got the bill? Thanks guys love you bye!” Neil finishes quickly and leaves the restaurant to step outside as Rob yells after him.

Neil steps out into the cold winter air- Neil thought it would be romantic if they had gotten married in the winter. Eva didn’t care either way, she was just excited for the wedding. They had both decided on New Year’s Eve (which Neil had also suggested, thinking that it would be symbolic for their ‘new beginning.’ Not that Neil would ever admit this to Eva.)

He immediately regretted not bringing a heavier jacket or maybe some gloves, which Roxie had pestered him to do so and Neil had brushed her off. He picked up the call for Estella, fingers already freezing.

“Hello?”

“Ah, Neil!” He smiles to himself. He always loved how happy Estella was to hear from him.

“Yes, hi, Estella. What’s going on?”

“Just checking up on my boys! How’s Roxanne?”

Neil looks inside the window of the restaurant, watching Roxie pick up her drink and accidently spill some on herself. He turns back around. “Well… she’s exactly how you’d expect her to be.”

He hears Estella giggle on the other line. Neil smiles.

“So? Neil? Are you ready? I know I am a nice woman but if you are late I will find you.”

“Yes- yes, Estella, I’m going to be ready. All of our suits are dry cleaned and at my hotel room. Is Eva almost done with her makeup?” Neil smiles to himself again. It hasn’t really hit him yet how big of a thing this is- he’s getting married. To Eva Rosalene. The girl he’s had a crush on since high school.

“Oh, she hasn’t even started on makeup yet! She’s still straightening her hair. It might be a while.”

“Estella, not that I don’t love talking to you, but could you hand me to Eva? I’d really appreciate it.”

“Yes! Sure! Just one second.”

Neil hears shuffling on the phone and takes this moment to look back inside. He sees Rob paying the bill, then he turns back to Neil, giving him the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. Neil quickly turns back around.

He then jumps, hearing a loud cacophony of noises from the other line. Lots of girl’s voices yelling “Hi, Neil!” and some other squeals in the background.

“Hi, hi, everyone.”

He hears some whispering that he can’t really make out, but soon he hears Eva’s voice.

“Neil?”

He puts on his sappiest, mushiest voice. “Hi, babykins!” he says, drawing out each word.

“I swear to god, Neil, if you ever say that to me ever again I will call off this wedding.”

Neil laughs. “So, babe, what’s happenin?

“I’m just getting my- OW! Charlie!” He hears some muttered apologies, presumably from Charlie. “I’m getting my hair done, if Charlie doesn’t rip it all out first.” He hears Charlie go, ‘hey!’ in a mock-offense tone.

“Sounds like a really fun time.”

“Yeah, I can tell how enthralled you are by your voice.”

“So… whatcha gettin done?”

“Neil. Come on. You know I’m not allowed to tell you what I look like.”

Neil grins. “Not allowed to say what you look like?”

“Wait, I didn’t-”

“Oh no, Eva, I’m forgetting what you look like! What color is your hair? Do you still have those beautiful dark brown eyes? I don’t know. And you can’t tell me.”

“Neil, I swear, you know what I meant.”

“Please answer my questions. I’m getting so worried. I can’t remember.”

“I hate you so much,” Eva answers, but he can tell she’s speaking with a smile.

Neil sees the group leaving the restaurant, Roxie turning around and waving at him to follow them. Neil turns back to his phone.

“Alright, I gotta go. Hanging out with my crew, you know the deal.”

Eva sighs from the other line. “Bye, Neil.”

“I love you!”

Eva smiles. “I love you too.”

“Okay, bye for real this time. Roxie has been glaring at me this whole time.”

“Bye.”

“Adios, Eva.” Neil hangs up the phone, puts it in his pocket, and walks over to Roxie to rejoin the group.

* * *

“I cannot believe you don’t know how to tie a bowtie.”

“This would’ve been much easier if everyone could’ve worn a tie, not just the groomsmen.”

“Would I have had to help you out with tying a tie too, Neil?” Roxie asks with a smirk.

In the church’s dressing room, Roxie was standing on her tiptoes to try to help Neil get his tuxedo on. Neil was able to get everything else on- Estella made sure he could button everything and that everything was the correct size for him. However, Neil had never learned how to tie a bowtie.

“Well, you see, I know how to tie a tie. I just never wear bowties.”

“It’s really not that difficult.”

“Don’t patronize me, Roxie. Not on my wedding day.”

Roxie giggles a little bit, as she finished up his bowtie. Neil makes eye contact with Rob, standing by the doorway. He’s there to make sure Neil and Eva don’t see each other before the big moment.

“You really should learn how to tie a bowtie, Neil.”

“Rob, do not make me resend your best man responsibilities.”

Even though Neil and Rob had more or less hated each other when Neil had started working, Neil had eventually warmed up to him. Rob was one of the ones who first caught on to Neil’s crush on Eva, and prompted him to ask her out. Neil decided that this was good enough to give him the position of best man.

Rob smiles. “You’re going to resend my best man responsibilities.”

“If you keep talking like that, yes, absolutely.”

Neil walks over to the tall mirror to check himself out. He does a few poses in the mirror, giving Rob a glare when he sees him laughing in the background.

“I can’t believe I’m going to look better than Eva on our wedding day.”

“That part’s debatable,” Rob answers.

Roxie adds onto this. “Yeah, you haven’t even seen Eva yet. Trust me on this one, she looks absolutely stunning. I can’t wait to look that good on my wedding day.”

Neil turns around, putting on a self assured face. “No, trust me, I definitely look better than her. Me and Eva are having a little competition for whoever looks better today.”

Roxie raises an eyebrow. “…Eva agreed to that?”

“Well, no, but… I did. And that’s what matters.”

Roxie and Rob sigh at the same time.

“Are you nervous?” Roxie asks.

Neil has felt butterflies in his stomach the whole day, and now knowing the wedding’s going to start in half an hour his hands have started to shake.

“Absolutely not. I was born ready for this, are you kidding?”

Roxie and Rob obviously saw through this, but they said nothing.

Roxie starts backing up towards the door. “Gotta go meet up with the bridesmaids- haven’t even gotten into my dress yet.” Roxie ducks out into the hallway. “Adios, losers!” she yells, voice echoing down the hallway. Neil sighs.

Rob and Neil stand in silence for a few moments, before Rob pipes up.

“Are you ready?”

Neil turns to himself in the mirror again, giving himself a once over. His tuxedo is all buttoned up, none of his clothes have any wrinkles, and his white boutonniere was perfectly placed in his pocket. He looked good to go.

But how are you ever ready for the most important moment of your life?

Neil turns back around to Rob. “The readiest I’ve ever been.”

“I don’t think readiest is a word.”

“Shut up, Rob.”

* * *

All of the many guests have sat themselves down in the large church. The officiant has made his way to the altar. Neil and Rob have made their way to the altar from the side door. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen have made their way to the top; all the groomsmen in black tuxedos and ties; all bridesmaids in cream colored dresses with gold sashes. Charlie then walks up to the altar by herself, in a full length gold dress. The ring bearer has delivered the rings, and the flower girl has sprayed flower petals over the aisle.

The only thing left was Eva and her father, James, to walk down the aisle.

Neil kept fidgeting with his pockets. The only other wedding he had been to before was Charlie’s, and he didn’t pay attention to what the groom was doing because he was too busy getting yelled at by Eva for not paying attention.

He now wishes he would’ve actually watched the reception instead of trying to get Eva to laugh at his jokes. Almost all eyes are on him. He’s never had stage fright, he was always a theatre kid at heart, but he has never been this nervous before in his life.

The organ player starts up and Neil quickly picks his head up to watch the big church doors at the end of the aisle. Everyone in the pews stands up, facing the doors too. Neil’s heart is beating faster than it ever had before.

The big church doors burst open, as the organ player plays a crescendo. James and Eva walk through the doors, and-

Eva looks the most beautiful Neil has ever seen her.

Her hair is in a low bun, held up with silver hairsticks. She is in a beautiful, long a-line sweetheart dress with long lace sleeves. Her face is covered with a veil, but Neil knows she looks as beautiful as she always does.

James and Eva slowly walk down the aisle, and Neil realises he’s tearing up. He remembers what he said to Eva one time- how ‘liquids and solids’ come out of his mouth at weddings- but he knew that was a lie. He was a sucker for weddings, he just couldn’t help it. He tries to wipe his eyes, before actual tears start rolling down his cheeks. He keeps his hand up by his face the entire time Eva is walking towards him, he can hardly believe this. He’s really doing this. He’s really going to marry Dr. Eva Rosalene.

James and Eva reach the end of the aisle, and Neil can finally see Eva’s face through the veil. She’s smiling at him. Neil smiles back, eyes tearing up again.

James takes a seat in the front row, watching Eva step up onto the altar to join Neil.

Eva takes Neil’s hands in her own. She looks up at him, smiling warmly. Neil keeps looking at her with bewilderment- she’s here, right in front of him, and she looks so beautiful. Neil can’t help it this time- tears start rolling down his face. He can’t wipe them away, he doesn’t want to stop holding Eva’s hands.

Eva starts giggling. “Thought you weren’t the sentimental type?” Eva whispers under her breath, while the officiant talks behind them.

“Eva. Not on my wedding day.” Neil whispers back.

“Just your wedding day, huh?”

Neil was about to respond, when the officiant said, “And do you, Dr. Neil Watts, take Dr. Eva Rosalene as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

Neil looks at the officiant, then back to Eva, staring into her beautiful dark brown eyes. He chokes up a little before answering. “I do.” He says this while not looking away from Eva’s eyes.

(Not that he’d ever tell Eva, but he did consider saying ‘no’ as a joke when answering this question, but then he realised that almost every person there would murder him. So he decided against it.)

Eva smiles at him. The officiant turns to her. “And do you, Dr. Eva Rosalene, take Dr. Neil Watts as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

Eva looks up at Neil, and holds her gaze for a few moments. “I do.”

The officiant smiles at the both of them, and then to the crowd.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

All the guests cheer loudly as Neil lifts Eva’s veil, cups his hands around her face and kisses her. When he pulls away, he sees Eva’s eyes shining. “Not bad,” she whispers to him, in  a sarcastic tone. When they both turn to face the front, Neil elbows her a little bit. Eva smiles and glances at him for a moment.

They laugh as the groomsmen and bridesmaids pull out gold confetti poppers and sprinkle them with the confetti.

* * *

“Are you ready for our first dance, m’lady?” Neil extends his hand out towards Eva, who was sitting next to her family, when the lights had dimmed and the DJ had introduced the two of them to come out onto the floor.

“Call me m’lady again and I will divorce you.”

“You won’t, you love me too much.”

“That, and it’s expensive,” Eva responds with a smile. Neil frowns good naturedly.

“Oh, come on. Dance with me.”

Eva allows herself to be pulled up by Neil, leaving her family who all turn to face towards the floor. Neil turns the ‘dragging Eva’s forearm’ into ‘holding Eva’s hand’ as they get closer towards the floor. They step onto the middle of the floor, holding each other close as the song turns on. Eva looks confused for a few seconds, then looks up at Neil, eyebrow raised but still smiling. “You chose ‘You Were Meant For Me’ by Jewel? Really? How sappy are you?” Neil blushes. ‘You told me you liked this song.” Eva, smiling, leans in close to Neil, moving her arms to his back and resting her head on his shoulder. “I do like this song.”

Eva and Neil stayed on the floor throughout the whole song, swaying with each other and keeping each other as close as possible.

* * *

It was nearing the end of the reception, which meant that it was time for Neil and Eva to cut their wedding cake. The cake was 3 tiers tall, the bottom tier chocolate (Neil and Eva’s shared favorite), second tier vanilla (they both decided that they needed something basic for anyone to enjoy), and the final, smallest one, carrot cake. Eva took it upon herself to show Neil that carrot cake can be delicious if cooked by the right person.

They had done the sappy thing where they both held onto the knife while cutting into the cake; Neil playfully elbowing her, trying to get her to mess up, while Eva laughed.

When they had both gotten their slices onto their plate, Eva said, “Do you want to do that really cheesy thing where the couples shove the cake in the other person’s face?”

Neil tried to remain as straight faced as possible. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Eva took this moment as a teaching lesson for Neil, not noticing the grin growing on his face. “Sometimes, at weddings, when the betrothed are cutting their cake, they ball up some of the cake in their-”

Eva was cut off from the rest of her sentence as Neil had picked his slice of the cake in his hand and shoved it into Eva’s face. She looked confused for a few seconds, then looked back up at Neil with steely determination, a sly smile on her face. “Oh, you are so paying for that one, Watts.” Neil was about to correct her, saying that technically today, they were both Watts, but got interrupted because of the cake that was thrown in his face.

Eva had another fistful of cake, laughing, and Neil went to grab another part of his slice, when they were interrupted by a flash in front of both of them. They lower their pieces of cake and turn towards the bright flash, seeing a smiling Charlie holding her phone. “Oh, sorry! You two just looked so cute so I thought I might as well get a picture, right?”

Neil was about to say something along the lines of ‘that’s alright,’ but was once again interrupted by the act of cake being shoved in his face. He turned to the Eva laughing beside him. “You’re paying for that one too, Watts!” Neil said, as he picked up Eva, now laughing even louder, and slung her over her shoulder. She playfully hit him, yelling, “I swear, Neil, put me down!” if she could get it out between bursts of laughter. Neil was smiling too, and Charlie continued to take multiple pictures of the newlywed’s shenanigans.

* * *

Most people had already filed out at this point. Only Eva’s family, the groomsmen, the bridesmaids and a few stragglers were left. It was time for the final dance.

“You picked this final one too, yeah?”

Neil looked at Eva. “I absolutely did. And you’re gonna love it.”

Eva rolled her eyes in a good natured way.

The DJ introduced the final song, saying it was almost time to pack up, as Neil stood up from his chair and once again tugged on Eva’s arm to get her to follow him.

“I’ll stand up if I find out it’s a good song.”

“Alright, well, I guess you’ll just have to watch me out there, alone, busting some pretty awesome moves on the dance floor.”

“So you do admit it’s a bad song?”

Neil sighs while smiling, as he makes his way to the dance floor. He stands in a pop punk boy band pose while waiting for the song to start, making Eva giggle. The first beginning notes of the song start, as Neil starts to dance horribly. He watches Eva put her head in her hands while laughing, causing Neil to smile.

On the loudspeakers, Come on Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners was playing.

Whenever the lyric, ‘come on Eileen!’ played, Neil sang ‘come on Eva!’ loudly over it. Eva turned bright red from the embarrassment of her husband, but was smiling nonetheless.

Neil had stayed out there for about 30 seconds, starting to get worried that Eva wasn’t joking when she said she wouldn’t join him. But when he turned around, and he saw Eva standing up from her chair, smiling and shaking her head, with a glint in her eyes-

He saw his whole future.

[mejomonster]

look i cant say that LORD critical world is good but i can say that it got my attention ToT:

im simple, it reminds me of xena and drakengard in a weird mesh

i can tune out

ok but in one fairness to it, its pacing so far is consistent and fast. the slowest pacing has been certain plot clarifying fights or character intros but since its plot setup its doing something 

like i love the untamed but that was a slower pace, so was tlt2

kinda reminds me of men in sword but like in the opposite direction of the same spectrum (weak af budget, actors i ???, weirdly intense political plot full of death but im not sure how to take it seriously the way its being presented in such an anime way, still managing to get me to care, kinda intensely gay and like in a the worldbuilding just Makes it that way? idk it is an Experience)

main 2 remind me of moshang so much it gives me constant whiplash

speaking of whips at Least once an episode someone has been tied up or whipped this show really be Bouncing between bdsm and comedy i ???

u could theoretically come for ‘sexy’ tied up Zhang Mingen because it happens a LOT but i’d say its more physical comedy than sexy so oogle at your own risk

Zhang Mingen is SO good at comedy

you know what else it reminds me of? Romance of Hua Rong! Because like the plot could still be a mess for all i know but each individual episode is fun and i can just chill and have fun (tho like drakengard some fucked up stuff just, might happen sometimes)

Also reminds me of Once Upon A Time in Lingjian Mountain just with how chill it is about ‘yeah u could just read everyone as not straight’ and ‘we will in fact push those agendas ourselves as a show’. Lingjian Mountain pretty notably did a pretty in ur face bl along with a very in ur face gl (and i loved them both) and it was kinda fun to just chill and know anything could happen and would be treated nice and be a possible plot point. This show feels kinda similar.

We got Qiling who thinks Shen Yin is hot and thinks Lord Yin Chen is hot, not to mention his very open minded assumption that anyone of any gender could be into him or someone else could be into any gender if they haven’t told him (which is like the antithesis of Ashes of Love that insulted two women marrying and queer people and -.- i just was really let down by that show’s hostility so when a show Isn’t hostile but is pretty open minded i appreciate it - which an fyi Eternal Love didn’t push it but was pretty open minded, and Love and Redemption was also open minded and supportive, by all of which i mean their stories acknowledged all kinds of people can exist and love others and get married and have families and they’re all good and a regular thing). 

We got Princess (Lord 6/Liu i messed up her name). who meets Qiling while dressed as a man, who Qiling asks about the rules of the contest to win the princess’s hand in marriage “so if a woman wins, she can marry the Princess?” as literally their first convo (the answer is YES, and will again be confirmed as YES when Qiling is asked as one of the competitions “so the princess cannot marry someone who?” and he goes “a woman” and the contest judge goes “incorrect” and then the Princess gives him a hint - the right answer is “a magician”). 

Speaking of a woman winning the contest, Shen Yin shows up and almost wins the first contest for the princess which i just think is Cute. (Tho no idea what the plot motive was except maybe wanting to save the Princess from bad marriage prospects - which is why the Princess herself was going into the contest to win it real quick)

While talking to princess in disguise as man, Lord Liu, Qiling mentions he has a ‘friend’ and she goes ‘woman or man?’ (which i’d love to Stretch and say is she’s bi too ok she’d marry a woman and she thinks a ‘friend’ might be anyone i love her even tho she’s a Danger Babe). And then he says man, waxes poetic about how charming his Lord is, then asks someone disguised as a man “why? are you interested? I bet you’re interestedddd!”

so like just Princess Liu in general got a very fun vibe about her whole intro. And then we got Shen Yin and Lotus who yes have no reason for me to think they’re into women BUT one wears white one wears black, they’re enemies who need to fight each other but keep letting the other go, they keep having cool fights and flirting, can they fall in love Pleaseeee

Zhang Mingen is such a good actor? I mean i didn’t expect him to be bad. But this is not like a high quality show, but him as the lead helps a LOT. 1. A comedy does better when ur lead isn’t afraid to look ugly/unattractive and Zhang Mingen goes ALL out on the comedy (similar to Lingjian Mountain where the leading actress is in part so impressive because she doesn’t moderate her performance to remain pretty at all times, she gets ugly and gross and dumb and ridiculous sometimes). He has a big enough presence he makes scenes with anything interesting whether its an extra, Lord Yin Chen, or a cgi monster. He also manages to make me feel some emotional impact when tragedy hits in this show - which is a feat since the overall vibe is comedy/action mostly so u need that skill in the lead actor.

vibe is kinda like Drakengard 3 but less explicitly rated idk how to put it? Like there’s Lords and Disciples (Like Intoners and Disciples). The Lords possess and are usually lovers with their disciples, they’re magic and like Gods among this fucked up world, they kill people at large and random and so do magicians and monsters (which are a middle ground between lords and civilians), there’s a LOT of dirty jokes but just unlike Drakengard 3 less cursing (like... a joke about a grower not a shower, bdsm spanking ur new disciple when he’s grieving, tying up a man for a wedding and putting him in a giant cage, constant gagging people, im fairly sure the magic being right above his ass where they bonded and needing to be summoned from there is some kind of dirty joke about sex, Qiling simply existing is a walking joke that sexual half the time). But like i said... cause of the lighter tone (so far) it doesn’t come off quite as intense. Like people Are dying in this show for sure, but in Drakengard 3 the intoners are also losing their minds and hunting each other and. While that might be happening in this show tbh? If it is the plot hasn’t let me know that explicitly yet. 

idk what to say i love ugly cgi monsters i really do, especially when they still have cute faces so i feel they got Character even being ugly as all hell

not kidding when i say Zhang Mingen has probably been tied up every single ep so far

[mythicalmodernity-blog]

OK so since @tom-hiddleston-god-of-mischief and other people showed interest, I bumped up my schedule and so... Here is my ‘Craig is totally gay and was in love with the MC in college’ post! So, first off- this is Craig Cahn and the thing that made me first think that he was gay instead of bi. (And fyi I am a Bi myself, so this is more headcanoning and exploring character and not trying to stomp on other headcanons, jsyk.)

Yeah the very first time we met. But look- divorces do happen, and do happen in a chill manner. But... let us note a couple things. One, the divorce literally only happened ‘last year’. Which could mean anywhere from (assuming this is the spring due to college letters and school timetables) 12+ to only 3-ish months ago depending on what counts as ‘last year’. You only get a SECOND of him being uncomfortable while breaking the news before he is on even ground and is like ‘yeah it’s old news and everything is in perfect order now’. AND THE DIVORCE HAPPENED EITHER WHILE SMASHLEY WAS PREGNANT OR JUST HAD RIVER. Now, this could be a him lying, except... it’s never really brought up again as a thing? Like, we deal with Mat’s feelings for his dead wife, Joseph’s failing marriage, and etc but despite how recent it was we are lead to believe their divorce was perfectly amicable despite the timing.  (Now placing a cut here because this gets long and has more pics.)

My theory is that it’s because Craig, who emphasizes the Romance in bromance, was open to Smashley when he started going ‘wait... I think... I’m not attracted to women???? At all???’, but that is a lot to unpack and Craig is the overachiever who is desperate to be great and responsible on all levels, so I imagine it was a long process of discussions and figuring stuff out and recognizing their marriage was failing, and maybe a couple final sexy times to confirm whether or not he really WAS attracted to women, because if Smashley isn’t just as much of a bro as her name implies I Will Be Disappointed (and I mean, not just doing it for Craig, but also sex is fun and he’s sexy and she loves the dude who is her bro and husband). River was the result of that near the tail end of their marriage. That also explains the age gap between River and the twins, if she was the result of years of sex just never happening, and then it suddenly WAS happening because Confusion and Confirming if the Marriage is Really Dead And I’m Gay. Not to mention Ok she goes by Smashley (while in her late 30′s/early 40′s), was the kind of cool person who probably hung out with the MC who has the possibility of being a trans gay man- so she’s probably not bigoted and to a degree Gets It, and so really when the marriage ended it was fine. Now, we’re gonna put a bookmark into this and come back to it near the end for a finishing move, but now we are gonna lay down the ‘...and Craig was in love with you in college’ bit.

This is how we get re-intro’ed to Craig. Doooooeees anyone remember the ‘so I was kinda plain back when we knew each other in school but now we are meeting again years later and I got hot and suddenly you’re noticing me and I had a crush on you years ago and I’m suddenly realizing I never really got over it holy shit’ cliche? From Craig’s perspective, this is what this is. Look at how happy he is by you complimenting how he looks. And before you go ‘well... it’s a compliment!’, think about all the compliments he gets in his first date from other people and how he reacts to THAT. Yeah. And it should be noted that, out of all the Bachelors, he is the only one who asks you to go out with him first. To ‘catch up on old times’, yeah, but it’s a break from the narrative with the others. Joseph invites you to the neighborhood grill event and possible counseling, but other than that? Craig is literally the exception here. And not only does he go ‘Hey you should come jogging with me!’, he then FOLLOWS UP BY BADGERING YOU WITH MULTIPLE TEXTS LITERALLY THE NEXT MORNING AFTER YOU MOVED HOUSES. THE BLESSED THIRST OF THIS MAN.

And what does he do the first time you meet up? He tells a story from your college days. But the funny thing is, the first thing he recalls about it is not some epic stunt they did together but... how you vowed to make him feel better. This is what Craig remembers about you. Not so much the epic bro who did epic things with him- nah, we know from some other stories you/the MC was often on the sidelines watching and worrying at times. But he remembers that you CARED and did something utterly ridiculous for him to make him feel better. And the way he tells it, it’s not ‘hahaha remember that time you stole a fish for me in the most stupid fashion possible’ (which is how the MC remembers it). Nah, he tells it like it’s the Best Story Ever, a Tribute to Your Bro-hood And Why You Are Awesome. And the thing is, I’m not sure if Craig has had someone be there for him like that for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, my headcanon is that Smashley was awesome, but she was busy too. And a chunk of Craig’s romance revolves around needing someone looking out for his emotional wellbeing, which you always had his back on. And then, the first official date happens.

Look. In most other dates you are only get a kiss on the final date. Some have some hand holding by the second, but you go straight to flirting and forehead kissing on the first here, leading to a very Unimpressed River. (I love her.) And LOOK HOW MANY POINTS YOU SCORE WITH THAT. Like. LOOK AT ALL THOSE EGGPLANTS, SWEAT, AND HEARTS? THAT IS A LOT. And that is AFTER he turns down a bunch of moms, after he talks about being ‘too busy’ to find someone. But the MOMENT you hint at him giving you a kiss, even ‘teasingly’ he does and is all. over. it. First date after roughly 17-ish years of not seeing each other. Oh, and earlier in the date, when you go ‘I’m sure someone will come along for you and fit right in?’ That was another big scorer. Because he hopes you mean yourself. And earlier on he kept on apologizing for not being able to be alone with you, and actively takes you back to the empty baseball field where he knows literally NO ONE will be. That’s not a ‘maybe we should go to a coffee shop and be by ourselves’, that’s... setting up a atmosphere man. That’s a hopeful move. That’s a ‘I just want it to be the two of us, even if it’s just for a second’.

This leads us to the second date, where you display you are a good dad to his baby and are not a dick about inconveniences. (Important in Craig’s route, man.) But here I want to bring up Why I Think He’s Gay. Because even when the Waitress is not hitting on him before this, he kinda just... wants it to be the two of you again. He kinda ignores her a bit. And then when she interrupts you/the MC and hits on him... man he gets super sad/uncomfortable really fast. And he gets uncomfortable ALL THE TIME when women hit on him. Now- many of these women are nice, motherly types. The Waitress was hilarious with River before hitting on him.  But he shows less than 0 interest. It legit bothers him. Because he just recently is slowly accepting he’s gay, then you just happen to come back into his life after he moved back and the divorce was finalized (though I wonder if his reasons for moving back to Maple Bay didn’t happen to include a vague hope or two there), and he can’t get a moment with you without a woman hitting on him and making him feel weird and kinda guilty and heeeey doesn’t dealing with internalized homophobia suck ass. And then, the third date. Which is aaalllll about you two being Alone, with a capital A. Now, here I want to briefly touch on my bookmarked Smashley bit, because she is totally cool with taking the kids in for a couple days (which, good since she is their mom), when if all of the above is a correct interpretation she KNOWS they are gonna bang. Like. I’m just saying. (Let us take a moment to picture Smashley talking Craig through things and being like ‘Bro, you can do it. You can make this move. Just first swimming opportunity? Strip, your butt will call to him.’) And ok even if this DIDN’T happen, if Craig was going on a overnight vacation with a guy when I knew he was attracted to men, and this is a friend he gushes about and kinda adores? Yeah she knew. And was cool with it. But my final piece of evidence your honor in the ‘Craig was in love with you back in the day’ is this lil’ series here.

HE. MAKES. THE. FIRST. MOVE. AND PROGRESSES IT HELLA FAST. You move closer? Oh he turns over towards you immediately with his head close enough to breath on your neck. You turn over? His eyes are opening and his hand goes to your waist. You both go in for the kiss, but immediately after he confesses to you. And here’s the thing... this happens whether or not you end up together. And while the other bachelors have emotional moments leading up to the confession/kiss which might overrule their ‘Oh I don’t actually want to end up with this guy’ brain, this is a chill, quiet moment. A chill quiet moment which IMMEDIATELY leads to sex if you interpret the final lines of the night that way. The only 2 other bachelors you are implied to immediately have sexy times with on the 3rd date is Joseph because of high emotions, hopes, and a failing marriage and cheating, and Mat who is on a high of playing for the first time in forever and realizing you enable him to do it and WOW. oH, And Hugo I think? Need to replay but once again- he just went to a wrestling show, met his hero, slammed his horrible student in glorious fashion, and wrestled you. I’m just saying, emotions high in every case... except Craig’s. So, on the ‘bad end’, why would Craig do all this if it turns out he ‘didn’t mean to lead you on’? Maybe it’s because it’s something he’s been thinking about off and on since college, and then it was ALL HAPPENING, and then... it happened, and it wasn’t like he thought, and he realized you weren’t what he thought anymore. In the bad end, he still gets some kind of closure on his feelings. But in the good end, let’s think about this. ‘Feelings I can’t deny anymore’. How long has he had those feelings? How long has he DENIED them? If in the very first date, after not seeing you for 17 years, he was desperate to spend alone time with you and leaped at the chance to give you a forehead kiss.... I say it’s been a long ass time he’s had those feelings. And that is my ‘Craig Cahn is hella gay and was in love with you in College’ post. Thanks for reading.

[abumblebeeat221b]

Sherlock and the Female Gaze

If anyone asked me to point them to the most revolutionary piece of media ever created I’d probably show them Doctor Who (because guys - nothing beats a show that is basically Sherlock Holmes in space and keeps reinventing itself every other year).

But the second thing would be Sherlock. Not Doyle’s original, not the Rathbone, Granada, Soviet, new Russian adaptations (even though they are dear to me). Just 13 episodes of a TV show that was only ever meant to win some obscure film award in Eastern Europe and became a success over night instead.

The fandom that does its research has spent seven years trying to pinpoint its secret and the only thing we can agree on are three little words: it looks pretty.

On a more serious note: it is probably the first thing which made male eye-candy unashamedly mainstream. It is the millennial version of Pride and Prejudice, of Mr. Darcy, only that this time society doesn’t expect the story to bore our boyfriends to death.

And I’m not even sure that was something Mofftiss and Co were aiming for.

You see. It is a truth universally acknowledged that men have no idea what women like. They confuse it with male power fantasies ALL THE TIME because that’s what the media tells them we are day dreaming about. They are shocked to learn that we think Loki to be the sexually most appealing hero villain in the Avangers, that we consider Rodger from the original 101 Dalmatians to be perfect boyfriend material, that yes, we’d happily choose a dog loving, kind individual (with great hair) over most more manly super heroes out there.

And Sherlock ticks all the right boxes for women to find him attractive, while most guys wouldn’t think that lanky nerd to be much of a competition for them.

The cherry on our metaphorical fandom-cake is that Sherlock  is pretty much the first thing produced for a main stream audience I know of* which treats its leading male character as if he was a woman in order to cater to the female gaze (because the lgbqt+ community was not the only reason why the name Cumberbatch has showed up on most versions of the sexiest men alive lists since 2010/11).

Women look at Sherlock and think ‘sexy’ because we’ve been conditioned by the media to recognise this is what ‘sexy’ looks like.

And this my friends is where the magic happens.

You want the list? Here have the list:

A well-tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men. And let me tell you Sherlock wearing suits doesn’t look like a coincidence from over here.

The coat. It’s like a cape. Only way cooler.

The buttons which deserve their own award™. We all know the story behind the coat™, but I’m not aware of the official one explaining why Sherlock couldn’t buy the purple shirt of sex™ in a bigger size (lucky us he didn’t). On a sidenote: too small dress sizes and strained buttons are exactly what actresses are expected to wear in front of the camera.

The white sheet of possibilities. Sherlock Holmes visits Buckingham palace wearing nothing but a sheet BECAUSE THE SCRIPT SAYS SO and I can’t be the only one feeling reminded of the long standing tradition of women having to take off their clothes for very important plot reasons™. Two series later, Moffat does it again, and while IMHO Sherlock should have kept his hospital gown on in His Last Vow, I’m aware that is a pretty problematic™ thing to say given how it belongs to the most beloved (i.e. gifed and photoshopped) bits of that episode. (While at the same time, apart from Irene Adler, we have no idea what the Sherlock ladies wear underneath).

The cheekbones. Oh. The. Cheekbones. It is shocking exactly no one that Carrie Fisher was asked to lose weight every time she played Princess Leia (yes, also that one). Benedict Cumberbatch lost weight for series 2, then went to play the villain in Star Trek: Into Darkness, came back to series 3 having to lose those muscles and some weight - which goes against the *typical* male beauty standards in the industry, just saying. (NB: I’m pretty sure he did it again for TAB and series 4, but series 2 and series 3 are the only instances I’m aware of him mentioning it).

The weapons of a woman. When was the last time the male hero was allowed to lose? James Bond gets the girl because he is the best agent out there. It’s always the best knight who slays the dragon and saves the princess. I agree today personality matters - but that just means that now he needs to slay the dragon AND be charismatic on the top of it.

Heroes aren’t damsels in distress, they don’t get favours because of their looks and smiles, they don’t rely on other people or need emotional support. They are lone wolves, strong and self-efficient in every possible sense of the word and they have more than just their muscles to show for it.

Not in Sherlock.

Odds (*literally odds*) are Sherlock wouldn’t have survived the first episode without John.

Here we have someone who manipulates Molly (and clients alike) using his charm to get what he wants. Sherlock relies on his social network all the time, his adventures are about showing us how being the Cleverest™, the Best™ does not equal success.

He gets saved, beaten and drugged by Irene Adler, and just in case we’d still have some illusions left, the script for that scene describes the leading male character with the words ‘weak as a kitten’. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.

In the same episode he wins a fight because of pepper spray.

He relies on his brother’s help to beat Moriarty. He shoots Magnussen because even Mycroft’s long arm doesn’t end up being long enough. The only reason he makes it out of that mess alive is his freaking sister he isn’t even aware of.

The point is. Sherlock is right when he points out the obvious: he is no hero, but a mess who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. Yes, he is phenomenally good at what he does. But he also needs an assistant, someone who takes some part of the responsibilities off his not-so-bulky shoulders and helps him to win those victories.

The fairytale of the high-functioning sociopath. For some baffling reason, sometime between now and the dark middle ages humankind decided that European culture only ever allows men to seek companionship when somehow sex (or bragging about sex) is involved.

This is why “being friendzoned” is the worst that can happen to the modern man™. This is why they honestly don’t get the concept of just friends™. To a good deal of them female friends are like unicorns in that they don’t exist. To them the age old “if I’m not getting sex out of it then why should I bother?” argument works on both sides: “if you are not getting sex out of it then why should you care?”.

(Before you spam my inbox yes, I know Scrubs exists, I’m more than just familiar with House MD *laughs uncomfortably for ten years*. But. For every single piece of media that happens to get it right there are 10 AU remakes of Fifty Shades of Grey being published).

Now. What on Earth does this have to do with Sherlock?

NOTHING.  We see Sherlock having more healthy relationships in every single episode (yes even that one) than Bond will have in a lifetime. And no matter how much Sherlock insists on being a sociopath, the hero in this story has friends, imperfect friends, and whether he likes it or not they do care about him. And he cares about them too.

Otherwise Mycroft wouldn’t need to tell his little brother that caring is not an advantage and Sherlock wouldn’t meet those words like an old friend.

On top of it, the writers never code Sherlock and John as gay. No, they don’t. To be fair, they also don’t say he’s straight. However, they do make him canonically fall for Irene Adler (FYI: if him going ALL THE WAY to Karachi for her sake wasn’t a big enough clue, then MP!Sherlock keeping a picture of her in his pocket watch should have been).

And while we do see Sherlock invested in plenty of typical male stuff (he fights, he wins, he plays the rude smart arse, the hero, the brilliant detective) at the same time he also accepts it when in TEH John decides he wants to keep his distance, and Sherlock leaves the matter in Mary’s capable hands, John’s love interest, the woman who should be traditionally the mortal enemy of male friendships.

We had a whole episode which was basically Sherlock helping Mary with wedding preparations and not (just) having a bad time.

The next episode has him do his best to save his friends’ marriage. It also has him fake a relationship with a woman (who ends up owning a cottage in Sussex that comes with bees). But he never takes advantage of her even though she wouldn’t mind being taken advantage of. And when she gets her well deserved revenge he admires her for her agency. That boy is so smitten by Janine Hawkins that the original shooting script for His Last Vow  had them agreeing to marry each other should they end up without anyone else by the time they are old end grey (page 72, you’re welcome).

Sherlock gets his support system and it doesn’t ask for anything in return. He is allowed to struggle, to become emotional, to not deserve his victories and still be the hero of the show. Those 13 episodes have Sherlock stumble from one failure to the next but every single time we learn it doesn’t matter. He gets to learn from his mistakes, he gets to grow.

Yes, he has his ghosts and demons but he never needs to face them on his own, which is something I’ve only ever seen on this stupid show

_____ * If anyone wants to point out the masterpiece that’s George from the Jungle then yes, I’m aware of it (also, surprise surprise another film that was pretty popular with the LGBTQ+ folks). However, generally speaking it never became mainstream. Which is what I’m talking about here. And while Marvel’s Loki is mainstream, he is not the main character in The Avengers.